Original subtitles

- Good to be home, isn't it? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey...

Oh, Dad, you don't need to do this every time you clean the sink.

I know. I know. I just thought I would

because I wanted to give you a...

..surprise!

GEMMA GASPS

- Surprise! - Happy baby shower! - Oh, my God! - Yeah.

I did invite your mum but she sent some very unkind memes

- by way of reply so... - Oh...

Well, nothing's on fire, like the last party you organised.

Oh, come here, mate.

You helped him with all this, right?

- Me? No. - Oh, God!

- Hello! - Look, look, look, look, look...

- Loads of pressies. - Yeah.

Look, and here's Catherine.

Dad, it looks like she's died.

- So, yeah, Derek sorted out all the food. - Aww!

Roast beef dinner flavour. One of my favourites.

Oh, wow, that's actual baby food?

- Yeah. - We're not just eating actual baby food, are we?

What else are we going to eat at a baby shower?

And there's... There's presents!

- Sit down, I'll get them for you. - Oh...

Sit down. Look, this one... This is, er...

- This is from Baris. - Ooh!

- Adult nappies. - Yeah, and, er...

And we're not Jewish.

Well, neither is he!

Adult nappies are really handy, post-birth.

- From me... - Ooh, what's this, then?

A Tia Maria and two water damaged boxes of Calpol?

Found those under the sink, at work I thought, "Gemma'll like these."

Could open it now? Wet the baby's head?

The Tia Maria, not the Calpol. Although...

- ..cheeky cocktail? - Erm...

I just got to, erm...

There you go, Gemma, love.

Oh, thanks, Winnie!

Aww! What a lovely dog toy.

- It's a baby toy. - No.

TOY SQUEAKS

It's a dog toy.

No, baby toy.

OK.

Few essentials.

Boring but useful.

- Babe, did you see the dog toy and the menorah? - Don't...

I'm desperate for "boring but useful."

No Xander, by the way?

I don't think so.

I did invite him, though.

Don't think I've forgotten about your birthday tomorrow, king.

Don't make a fuss.

Malcolm, you and I need to have some fun before this baby comes along and

ruins all our lives, OK, which is why I have booked us an escape room.

- I don't even know what that is. - What?! Really?

Well, I bloody love them, so happy birthday.

Right, get out of the fucking way, Winnie.

What's this going to be, then?

It's a baby blanket.

Oh, my God!

This is really lovely!

Always bossing the pressies.

Aww! Yeah.

Babe, check there's nothing weird in or on this.

It's lovely, that.

Nope!

So, two weeks to go, eh?

- Yeah. - And you've got all the basics covered? Cot? - Yep.

- Pram? - Yep. - Oil for massaging Gemma's perineum?

Oh, well, we haven't talked about that,

but there's some Crisp 'N Dry in the cupboard if she needs it.

Listen, what time's this escape room booked for?

Cos I'm having a wart removed in the morning - you know,

just as a birthday treat to myself.

No idea. All I know is that they grab you off the street

and bundle you into a van.

- What, like a kidnapping? - Exactly...like a kidnapping.

It's themed on the film Taken.

Yeah, but what...? What if it's a real kidnapping

and I don't fight back cos I think it's the escape room thing.

Well, that, my friend,, is part of the thrill, isn't it?

You might think it's the escape room guys,

whereas actually it's an old enemy who wants to rip out your heart

and shit in your chest cavity.

Thankfully I haven't got any old enemies who'd want to do that.

What about your ex-wife?

Oh, fuck...

So which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end?

- Malcolm? - Oh, God, no, can you imagine?

No-one wants their dad catching a glimpse of the business end.

Hmm...

Oh, remind me, I need to pick up his birthday cake.

Do you think he'd like me to jump out of it, semi-naked?

Cake's about this big.

I could hide a boob in there?

Who IS going to be your birth partner?

Cherry's the natural choice, but she's got the kids.

I keep telling her, Winnie - pick me. Pick me!

I'd be amazing, Gemma.

I was once held hostage in an embassy and I thrived.

Absolutely thrived under those conditions.

You can't make a diamond without intense pressure.

Fine. If Cherry's not available, you can do it.

Look, Winnie, you might not see me for a while now.

I go on maternity leave on Monday.

I've got a lovely 18-year-old boy coming in to cover.

Very keen to learn the ropes...

..if you know what I mean?

Good luck, Gemma, love.

Thanks, Winnie.

See you.

- Rita... - Mm? - ..please don't groom your 18-year-old

apprentice into shagging you on a crate of toner.

LIQUID TRICKLES

What the fuck is that?

I think my waters have broke. I'm not due for another two weeks.

- It's OK, Gemma. - Yeah... - I'm here.

I'm just going to get the...

..get the "cleaning in progress" sign so no-one slips on your...

..fluid.

Rita?!

Where are you going? Rita?!

Oh, what a lovely job.

Oh...

Ooh...

- Malcolm Moscrip? - Eh?

You're about to be...

- ..taken. - What?! Oh!

Oh, right, OK.

Before we go on, can I just double check my wife -

well, my ex-wife - Davina, she's not involved in this at all, is she?

There's no Davina on the booking form.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Right. Well, crack on.

- OK, great. - Well, give me your phone. - Eh? Why?

- Because you're being... - ..taken.

Oh, right.

Yeah, there you go.

- Right, in the van. - Right! Oh!

Ha-ha! Oh!

- Head... - Malcolm? - ..hands.

This is fun, isn't it, Derek?

I think I've made a terrible mistake!

Argh!

Rita? Is everything OK?!

I'm having a shit!

I'm having a baby!

Look, a massive shit! Go away!

You know how sluggish my bowels get!

Right, so you don't want to be my birthing partner after all?

On reflection, no.

What about "I thrive under pressure"?

What about "I was taken hostage in an embassy"?

No-one comes out of anyone else's vagina during a siege, Gemma!

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

Ooh...

Oh...

Ooh...

Why are you closing early?

Gas leak.

HE SNIFFS

- I don't smell any gas. - No, there's so much gas.

You better go, actually. I don't want you exploding everywhere.

- Are you sure you're not in labour? - I might be a bit in labour.

Then why are you pretending not to be?

I don't know! It's too early, I'm taking my dad out for dinner tonight.

You are such a dickhead, Gemma!

- Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital. - OK.

Watch your step.

Oh, what a great birthday treat, Derek, thank you.

I don't...

I don't like it, Malcolm.

Turns out I don't like being bundled into a van with a bag on my head.

- Take your hood off, Malcolm. - What?

I'm quite enjoying it, actually.

Keep your hoods on. You'll spoil the magic.

I told you to cuff them BEHIND their backs.

Dad, it's happening.

I'm not ready.

Happy birthday.

Hey, let's get you in.

OK...

Do you need help with your legs?

- No, I'm fine. - Right.

Argh!

OK.

OK.

Gentlemen, welcome to your Taken themed escape room.

You have been Taken and must solve the clues to release

yourself from this lock-up and save your daughter.

Sorry. I don't want to sound like I'm not enjoying it, cos I am,

but wasn't it the daughter that got taken in Taken?

- Eh? - I mean, it wasn't...

It wasn't Liam Neeson who got taken, was it?

It was his daughter, wasn't it?

Yeah, Malcolm's right.

Are we meant to be the daughter?

I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

I said we should have done the Saw franchise.

No. No! OK.

You need to escape from the lock-up to save your daughter...

...who has been...

- ..Taken. - Taken, yeah, but WE were the ones who got taken.

So are we AND our daughters both taken?

Yeah, it is a bit confusing, isn't it?

Everyone says this, Warren! Everyone.

We've literally not taken a single person who doesn't immediately say,

"This makes no sense if you've seen the film Taken."

Well, what's your solution, Craig?

That we kidnap people's daughters so we can make the theme land?

I just think we need to work a little harder on the world building.

You've got three hours.

Three hours!?

Your mate went for the deluxe package.

- Technically it's cheaper, Malcolm. - All right!

Erm...

..where do we start?

GEMMA MOANS

Whoa, your own room?!

I know. 48 hours ago,

she would have been on a trolley near the needle bins.

I can't have the baby today, it's my dad's birthday.

Oh, I don't think there's much we can do about that.

There aren't some stitches you can put in,

- some special glue? - Baby comes when baby wants to come.

OK. Nnngh...

Ooh...

What the FUCK is that supposed to mean?

I bet it's something to do with the light bulb.

There's always a clue in the light bulb.

Argh! it's so fucking hot. Fuck!

You fucking have a go, Malcolm. Fuck!

I don't think it is to do with the light bulb, you know?

DEREK MAKES SPARRING NOISES

Right, listen, Malcolm.

Erm...there's...er...something I wanted to bring up.

Something about Gemma.

Yeah. What about Gemma?

Well, you know, she's going to have this baby soon isn't she and, er,

you know she's going to need someone to take care of her.

Yeah, well, I'm going take care of her.

Well, you're not going to be around forever, mate, OK?

You know, someone with a good job who you know

and idolise a little bit.

And, you know, someone you think of as a really sexy son.

Which is why I would like your permission to ask Gemma...

..to marry me.

Er, aren't you still married to, like, someone else?

I'm sorry, Derek.

GEMMA GROANS

I am never having sex again if this is what happens.

What a stupid fucking stupid system, and stop breathing so loudly.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Stop saying sorry.

- It's not your fault. - No. I mean, I probably should apologise, though.

For... For... For ghosting you, after Ben.

I was ghosting YOU, buddy.

I was ghosting YOU, buddy.

I was ghosting the shit out of you.

XANDER CHUCKLES

Cherry told me what happened.

Have you heard from him at all?

We're not talking about this now.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

I'm really glad you're here, though.

Yeah?

Will you go and get me a milkshake and a bag of crisps?

Yeah.

I've done it!

Oh, poo!

Look, it's another maths clue.

Derek?!

Look!

The baby's heart rate is a little fast,

- so we'll try giving you some more fluid. - OK.

PHONE LINE RINGS

Who the fuck are you?

Er, Catherine gave me this number for emergencies.

It's Gemma. Her sister.

Oh! Hundred quid, five minutes.

Oi, shitface, it's your sister.

Gemma! I told you to only use this number if there's an emergency.

You're going to have to send her 100 quid in crypto currency.

For a five-minute call?!

Are you in hospital?

Yeah.

I'm in labour and I can't get through to Dad, or even Mum.

I mean, I...

I really don't want to do this alone.

There was summat I wanted to discuss with you, actually.

I'm literally having a baby. That's why I called you.

Well, it's not coming out of you right this second, though, is it?

No, no. You're correct. Go on.

Am I a bad person? Cos I think I might be a bad person.

GEMMA CRIES OUT IN PAIN Oh! I mean, I don't know! Maybe?

Just with the trial coming up, I'm starting to wonder

if I shouldn't have paid someone to push Gary off that fire escape.

I think it might have been a bit selfish.

I mean, it was a pretty terrible thing to do, Catherine!

He's fine now, though.

Really.

He actually seems a lot happier since it happened.

If you know it was bad, and you're not going to do it again,

then that's growth.

Thanks, Gemma.

BANGING ON DOOR

Oh, shit! Screws!

No, Cat! Don't go!

PHONE DISCONNECTS

Cat?!

Fuckin' 'ell!

Come on, mate.

You can ignore me all afternoon, we'll never get out of here.

I'm not going to lie to you, Malcolm -

this hasn't really gone as planned.

I was going to ask your permission to marry Gemma, you'd say yes,

we'd bosh our way through the escape room,

and then onto the pub for your birthday drinks and...

..to toast me as your new son-in-law.

I'm sorry, mate.

But, you know, even if I'd said yes, I've got a feeling that...

- ..Gemma, you know, she wouldn't go for it. - Do you think?

Yeah, you're right.

- Screw her. - Screw her.

But also...

..she's the best thing in my life...

..and I love her very much.

Whatever, mate.

You're being really boring now.

Come on, let's solve this motherfucker - Derek style.

Yeah!

HE LAUGHS

Check the files! It's always in the files.

What are you doing? Fucking maths?!

Hey, look, I think I've got it.

Stop wasting time.

What?! That was the...

Let's go, come on.

Why's it not in the files?! It's supposed to be here!

- There you go. - Fuck, this is too hard!

- Oh, this is too hard, this is too hard. - It's impossible.

What do we do now?!

I'll check the pillows, you keep fucking pedalling.

Argh! Argh!

I can't find it! Argh!

Malcolm, flip this!

BOTH SHOUT AND COUGH

Oh, God! It's too hard!

- It's too hard! - It's too hard, we give up! - I don't feel well.

BOTH COUGH AND SOB

Please!

Get us out!

Oh, this is horrible.

It's going to get a fuck of a lot worse.

- Hey! - What? She knows.

- GEMMA INHALES - That's right, babe. Suck it up.

That really does take the edge off, doesn't it?

Listen, I can't stay long - the kids are waiting in a taxi

and I've got about eight minutes before one of them

- smashes a window, so... - Honestly, it's fine.

I think it's going to be pretty plain sailing from here on out.

I wonder what it's like to be really flat?

You know, like when people get slid under doors

because they're so flat?

You know like when they're really flat and they slide under doors?

God, I love gas and air.

Give us a toke on that.

Oh, Cherry, Cherry...

INHALES

Ugh... Oh, it's so good.

Hm!

Gem.

Listen to me.

Take all the drugs that you can, even if you don't need them.

Hospital-grade heroin is amazing.

Sometimes I dream about getting into a little car accident

just so I can have the bed rest and the morphine.

Mmm...

Good luck, mate.

Here you are, get your lips round that.

Thank you.

Don't you dare leave her side or I will break both your kneecaps.

Let me know when she's had it.

Cherry...

You're flat.

Slide under the door, but don't tell anyone.

All right, phones back, lads.

Why'd you make it that hard?

I don't think it is that hard, is it?

Takes all the fun out of it, you make it that hard.

Gemma's having her baby.

My daughter is having her baby!

Today? Rude.

Yeah, she was calling a lot.

Yeah, well, at least she hasn't, been Taken, am I right? Ha.

Take me to the hospital. Can you drive me to the hospital?

We're not a taxi service, mate.

Listen, you drive my best friend to the hospital...

..or I will find you and I WILL kill you.

Jesus.

Joke.

But I will leave you a scathing review, so...

All right, you two, follow me.

Thanks.

I'll tidy up then, shall I?

Uhh...

You can go if you want.

Get some food.

No.

I nabbed a bit of dry toast that the midwife

shouted at me for stealing, so I'm all good.

BABY'S HEARTBEAT ON MONITOR

Look, I'm not going anywhere.

Unless you want me to leave.

No. I want you here with me.

God, I bet I look awful.

No.

I've never seen you look so beautiful.

And you always look beautiful.

Baby's heart rate hasn't settled, Gemma,

so it's time to discuss other options.

Oh, come on.

I saw three of mine slide into this world.

Absolutely fucking disgusting.

I mean, really offensive.

It's blood and shit just everywhere.

She was screaming, I was screaming.

The doctor was screaming.

"Argh!

"What the fuck is that? Argh!"

SIGHS

CLEARS THROAT AND SNIFFS

"Out of ten, how would you rate your escape room experience?"

I just remember popping out for a Walnut Whip

and when I came back, Davina was watching Neighbours with the baby.

Both times!

LAUGHS

"Too fucking hard out of ten."

That's how I'd rate it.

Go rescue your daughter!

Stop saying the cool...!

I get the cool sign-off line!

Malcolm!

What?

I just...

Just don't fuck it up, big guy, all right?

- Yeah. Thanks. - Mm.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK. Thanks.

Xander!

Is she OK? I got messages.

Gemma's being prepped for surgery.

She needs a C-section.

Only one birthing partner can go in.

I'm her father.

You know, I'm Gemma's father.

I'm not the baby's father, you know.

- I'm just a friend. - Yeah.

I mean, the father's not around, so...

Which one of you is going in with her?

Well, he's all dressed for it, isn't he?

- No, I think you sh... - Dad?

Gem...

Gemma!

- Where have you been? - Oh...

Some men took my phone off me.

- Who did? - Oh, it doesn't matter.

So you'll feel a tugging sensation.

But there won't be any pain, I promise.

Oh, God, that's really weird and gross.

Would you like me to talk you through what's happening?

No.

Talk to me about literally anything other than what's happening.

Didn't you say you'd just had your floors done?

Err, yeah, we had, er, damp proofing and a concrete pour.

God, that feels really weird.

Tell me about the screed.

This stool is bit low, isn't it?

Can it go any higher?

Or I could stand up, couldn't I?

Oh, shit, sorry. Should I touch that or is it contaminated?

- Dad... - I don't know. Don't look over the curtain.

What? Oh...

Ohh...

Nearly there, Gemma.

The surgeon's just cutting through the sac.

You know what? I think that curtain should be higher.

I'm going to write to someone about that.

Unless there's, like, a suggestion box

or something like that, you know?

Are you ready to meet your baby, Gemma?

- Should be good now. - OK. And another clamp...

Here she is.

BABY CRIES

She's a girl!

Oh, my God, Gem.

Isn't she clever? You're so clever.

- The baby's fine. - She's gorgeous.

You're such a clever girl. She's perfect.

Just like you.

Isn't she clever?

SOBS

- Oh, God. - Congratulations, Gemma.

Oh, she's gorgeous, Gem.

Oh, there you go, Grandad.

Oh, my God.

Hello, little one.

Oh, she's perfect.

Look at you, little one.

- Gorgeous. Hello, I'm your grandad. - BP's dropping...

Someone call the registrar.

- I can't stop the bleeding. - What?

- Need clamps. - What's happening?

- What? - It's going to be fine. - What's going on?

- Sorry, Grandad. - I can't find the source of the bleeding.

- Gem? - She's still bleeding.

I'll just be outside. You're going to be all right, OK?

- You'll be all right. - Five litre blood loss...

- Dad! - It's OK, my love, it's OK.

Still bleeding.

I can't see anything.

Hello.

Hey.

Hey.

All right.

BABY GRIZZLES

Shh...

She's going to be OK.

Hey.

Isn't she?

Hey.

Gemma's fine.

She lost a lot of blood, but she's fine.

- She's OK? - She's in recovery.

We'll bring her back soon.

All right.

Thank you.

Do you hear that?

We're going to be all right.

BABY WHIMPERS

Shh... Come on, come on.

Grandad's here.

Come on. That's it.

Come on.

Good girl.

All right, I've got her.

You go back to sleep, babes.

I've thought of a name.

Have you? What?

Sadie.

Oh, Sadie!

I love that!

Hello, Sadie.

Hey?

You're a much nicer birthday present

than being stuck in a storage unit with your Uncle Derek, aren't you?

What the hell have you been doing today?

I'll tell you later.

There's a visitor for you, Gemma.

Oh, could you tell them to come back tomorrow?

Oh, she's been quite insistent.

Mum!

It's OK, Gemma, love.

I'm here now.

Davina!

Malcolm.

What are you doing?

Gemma doesn't want the baby catching something

from your dirty, great warehouse hands.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry...

Hiya, Mum.

Hiya, sweetheart.