Original subtitles

- Hiya. - Hey.

Oh, we're not a couple, by the way.

I am single and open to offers.

CHUCKLES

Maybe here's not the best place to be soliciting for male attention.

Hello! Hello, hello, hello.

My name's Twinky and I'll be leading the classes for mummies-to-be

and, er...and very good pals.

So, firstly, can I ask you all,

what is this?

The most beautiful thing in the world.

So, yeah, if you'd like to download my hypno birthing album,

it's, er, 17 tracks of me whispering affirmations.

It's only £15.99 on iTunes.

It's good.

Naughty Twinky! I'm not supposed to tell you that.

So don't inform the bosses.

TWINKY LAUGHS

Did we have any questions?

Yeah, I just wanted to ask about pain relief.

Why?

Because giving birth is really painful.

Which naughty scamps told you that?

Dorothy Downer been telling a few fibs, has she?

Sorry, are you trying to tell us that giving birth isn't painful?

Because that isn't what any of the baby books say.

Don't like books.

Actually, the most beautiful, natural feeling in the world

is the exquisite pain of childbirth.

So, let's not listen to any pessimistic little girlies.

That one's for you!

What if I tear?

Well, that's what Mummy Nature has demanded of your body,

and your body has answered her call.

Next.

What if I die?

Some people think that dying in childbirth

is actually better than medical intervention.

Although that's not something I can publicly endorse.

Again.

Oh, yeah. What now?

Twinky, how many babies have you had?

Yeah, erm...

I am mummy to three...

..very feisty French bulldogs.

They didn't travel down your cervix though?

Oh, mate, she knows nothing about having a baby.

Those doggies suckled on my teats for two months, actually.

So, take your bad attitude, you're barred. Get out.

GROANS SOFTLY

I only wanted to know about pain relief.

Did Mum have any drugs?

Oh, I can't remember.

She was definitely angry. But then your mum was always angry.

Giving birth or being annoyed at me putting up some wonky wallpaper,

it all just blends into one long shout.

Dad, why are you measuring my walls?

Oh! It's a surprise.

I'm not sure I want a surprise that involves a drill.

Oh, all right, I was just, erm...

I was just trying to be useful, you know.

No, I know. Sorry.

I just get worried about

how a baby's going to fit in to all of this.

Hey.

They're only little.

You know, in Finland, they give you a box to put them in

for the first couple of months.

Derek was telling me about it.

Hey?

Now, we can fit a box in here, can't we?

DRILLING

DRILL HITS OBSTACLE

Oh, bollocks!

So, your solicitor called me.

You're not pleading guilty, then?

Course I'm not.

You are guilty.

I have a very strong case.

What case?

Sex game gone wrong.

You paid someone to push your fiance down the stairs.

I did...

..but it was part of a sex game gone wrong.

How is that a sex game gone wrong?

Oh, I don't want to have to spell it out for you, Gemma.

Well, you're going to have to spell it out to a jury.

I knew you would kink-shame me.

You are so vanilla, Gemma.

No, it's not vanilla to not pay for someone

to be pushed off a fire escape as part of a sex game.

Yeah. Vanilla!

You and Dad will still be there, though, right? At the trial?

It's two weeks after my due date.

Gemma!

I'm going to try, I promise.

But I'm not sure I can even bring a two-week-old.

Isn't it contempt of court or something?

- Can't Auntie Jess look after it or summat? - Nope.

Her and Dad haven't spoken for years.

What about the father?

You remember I went on holiday to Portugal?

It happened on the flight back. That's where I got pregnant.

- On the plane? - Mm-hm.

In the toilet. With a total stranger.

Not so vanilla now, eh?

Oh, super vanilla.

You come back to me when you've done it in the cargo hold

next to a crate containing two drugged-up German Shepherds.

All right?

That didn't happen.

It did.

Yeah, I think the whole Becoming Mummies business model

is based on none of us having a clue.

Which is why I called Jess earlier.

Jess?

Your sister.

Who else would I be talking about?

I don't know. Erm... Jessica Fletcher?

Dead, fictional Jessica Fletcher?

No, not her.

Auntie Jess. Her and Tyrone

have invited us over for dinner this weekend.

I'd, erm... I'd rather not, thanks.

Come on.

See the new house. She says they've just got a hot tub.

Yeah? Well, I'm not...not a hot tubby type of person, am I?

Please, Dad.

Be really helpful for me to talk to Jess about all this.

She's been through it, you know, having a baby on her own.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked.

You're not even single-booked.

Tyrone's not that bad.

Well, not to you, but he hates me, doesn't he?

I think it's cos he used to suck cocks for crack.

Why would that be the reason he hates you?

I don't know. You know, maybe I remind him of a punter

who ran off without paying.

Dad, you can't not see your sister because her boyfriend bullies you.

I know he bangs on a lot about the cocks and the crack,

but he has a skip hire business now.

You know, maybe he's mellowed.

You can't avoid him forever.

Well, I've avoided him for three years.

Just need to carry on for a bit longer

until one of us dies, don't I?

I don't want that now.

Hold your breath, Gemma.

I'm just fixing Winnie's do.

The advice isn't to hold your breath around chemicals,

it's to avoid them altogether.

What's that, Rita, love?

Oh, apparently hairspray makes boy baby bits go all small.

It's PC gone mad.

Hairspray can cause genital growth defects in baby boys.

I'm not making it up.

Big Pharma told her.

Is it a boy then, Gemma?

I don't know. I want it to be a surprise.

- Oh, like a Kinder egg? - Yeah.

I mean, if I give birth to a small plastic camel

that comes in three parts, that would be surprising.

Do you want kids, Rita?

Me? No.

Love my fanny too much. I mean, I'm still as tight as

the lid on a jar of out-of-date Marmite down there.

You can pass that information on to your father, when you see him later.

I can't think of any information I'd want to pass on less.

A little boy with normal-sized bits.

Do you find it weird to think that

maybe you've got a little winky growing inside of you, Gemma?

I do now. Thanks.

Hiya. Lunch?

Thank God you're here!

Ladies.

He's lovely.

Brings her lunch every week and they're not even doing it.

I heard that.

Oop! Ahem...

I don't know why I thought they'd offer up wisdom.

Rita spent most of yesterday

talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan and puppy farming.

Well, er, talking about strange combinations...

..tuna and lemon curd sandwich as requested.

Oh...

You were joking about craving tuna and lemon curd, weren't you?

I'm so sorry! I didn't think you'd actually make it.

I didn't, don't worry.

I got this from the, er... the Boots meal deal.

Do you want the cheese instead?

Thank you.

Pregnancy is so weird.

It is really weird.

Does the baby kick much?

Mainly when I'm excited.

Can I? Or is that inappropriate?

Doesn't really feel like kicking anyway.

More like someone's put a bag of eels in my uterus.

Did you feel that?

Yeah!

She letting you have a touch?

Won't let me near it.

"I want to have a feel, Gemma!" I keep saying to her.

- You've got incredibly cold hands, Rita. - Yes.

And I am very proud of them.

Should, woulda, coulda been a pastry chef.

If I wasn't allergic to pastry.

Ten centimetres?

You know, I reckon I could get my head through that.

You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix?

Well, now you put it like that, I think...

You said you'd be helpful.

Sometimes baby does get stuck in the birth canal

and needs a little bit of help to get out.

Does anyone know what we would use in that situation?

- Oh, me! - Yeah?

Butter.

Nobody uses butter to get babies out.

For fuck's sake.

That's actually a very good suggestion.

Anything natural,

over those nasty instruments.

- Sorry, so butter is better than forceps? - Yep.

So, after baby's born, Mummy will need to birth the placenta.

Oh, we didn't have that, when you were little.

The placenta?

Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have that. That's a modern thing, that.

Yeah, it's... It's woke, isn't it?

So, you can have a hormone injection to speed things up.

What's better? Having it or not?

Well, having the injection cuts the chances of Mummy haemorrhaging.

But it's not as beneficial to baby.

Oh, well, you're not having that.

She's not having that.

If it's better for the baby, then you're not having that.

Now, don't forget that you can buy

my organic mummy and baby supplements.

Just £19.99 a bottle, so...

Just grab those on your way out.

LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

Oh, we do find that natural mummies like these, so probably not for you.

You want to be helpful?

Come with me to see Auntie Jess.

Whoa! I wonder how many cocks you'd have to suck

to get a house this big.

Reckon Tyrone lives there?

I really don't want to do this, Gemma.

I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.

- Oh! - Hiya! - You've found us.

Malc. Gemma.

Oh, it's not a fucking skip!

- Fuck's sake. - It is a skip.

No, it's an advert for Tyrone's skip hire company

but the neighbours think it's a skip.

- Because it's a skip. - It's not a SKIP!

Oh, it's lovely to see you both.

Shall we?

Oh...

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

- You look well, Jess. - Yeah.

Tyrone pays for me to get a colonic once a month, so...

Ooh, trifle! Thank you.

OK. Come on then.

You can do this.

Now we're in the new house,

Tyrone has a very good footwear system in place.

"Footwear system"?

Shoes off. You can pop some slippers on before leaving the air lock.

Then when we head outside,

there'll be garden sliders for everyone by the patio doors.

Ooh!

Oh, eh! Nice new house, Jess.

- Are you going to give us a tour? - Yeah...

Actually, I don't want either of you going upstairs.

But Jess can videocall you from the landing, show you round that way?

- OK. - It's fine, thanks.

How's the warehouse then, Malcy?

Been promoted to tea boy yet?

I wish!

I'm sorry again about Davina.

- Do you need a wee, love? - Yeah. - OK, go to the loo.

Don't you dare piss on those slippers!

By the way, Gemma, congratulations, love!

- Aw. - Thank you.

It's just a little something from me and Tyrone.

- Aww! - Yeah.

Ooh...

Cabbage leaves?

Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea.

You stick 'em in your bra when your boobs get sore.

I mean, they'll be rotten by the time the baby comes,

but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

Yeah. You know, I have heard some breast-feeding horror stories.

Oh, yeah. I could only face it for 24 hours.

I've got that Sad Nipple Syndrome.

- What? - Sad Nipple Syndrome.

It's where if anything or anyone touches my nipples,

I'm just overwhelmed with a sense of melancholy.

- She telling you about her unhappy fun bags? - Yeah.

- That's not a real thing. - Oh, it is a real thing.

Yeah. Sad Nipple Syndrome's a real thing.

I can't go anywhere near them

without Jess feeling existential malaise.

- Ain't that right, baby? - Yeah.

Her arse, though...

SLAPS JESS

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

- Cheeky. - Yeah.

I built that skip hire business from the ground up with hard graft.

Zero cocks, zero crack.

Amazing. No cocks whatsoever?

I've got the car, I've got the house.

All that was left was the hot tub.

Lamb casserole, Malcolm.

LAUGHS TIMIDLY

My favourite.

Davina could never eat lamb.

You know, cos she liked that film Bambi so much.

Oh, yeah.

Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb.

Oh, she must have got those mixed up then, sorry.

Yet Davina couldn't keep away from the kebab table at your ma's 70th.

Maybe she loved lamb, but you just couldn't provide her with any.

She doesn't like it, Dad.

- How many weeks are you, Gemma? - 28.

- Third trimester! Exciting. - Yeah.

I was hoping you had some advice, actually.

Never eat yellow snow.

Is that the only thing you won't put in your mouth?

I mean about being a single mum.

Oh, we don't discuss things like that at the dinner table.

Things like what?

- Jess's past. - Ty, I'll be quick.

Why don't you boys get some more drinks, eh?

Go on.

Come on.

He doesn't like to think about stuff like that.

My bits are very special to him.

Yeah.

Do you wish you'd waited to have Mia?

There's never an ideal time to have a baby.

You can be in the perfect relationship,

with the perfect bank balance and then,

in the blink of an eye, life can fuck it all up.

A friend of mine was married, great job,

had a baby with the love of her life but then he...

Cheated?

..got eaten by a shark in Thailand.

You see that?

That air fryer cost me a grand.

Never used it.

Never needed to. No idea what it does.

And I wasn't alone.

Your dad would always come over if I needed anything fixing or painting.

He'd bring you and Catherine, and babysit Mia if I wanted a night out.

God, I don't remember any of that.

Look, I know he can be a real wally sometimes, but...

..he's going to love that baby more than anything in the world.

And then, later on, if you find someone to pay for

a little nip and tuck downstairs, then even better.

Oh, here he is.

When do people get in the hot tub, then? Is it after dessert,

or are you saving it for your sex parties?

They'll be no-one getting in my hot tub.

Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub.

Thank God, eh, Malcolm? Malcy here's scared of hot tubs, in't he?

Are you?

I don't know.

He is. He definitely is.

Erm, well, you know, they're not my favourite thing anyway, so, yeah.

You two are just here to look at it and admire it.

There'll be no grubby people getting in my hot tub.

Isn't there chlorine in it?

Yeah, I can afford chlorine, Gemma! Jesus.

I just don't want people, other than me, in it.

You wouldn't get in a bath with me, would you?

Absolutely not.

No. No, I wouldn't, no.

I'd like to thank everyone for coming here today,

to celebrate me and Jess hitting a milestone in our relationship.

Ten years ago, when I first met Jess,

I was on my knees sucking cocks for crack.

I was good at it.

I sucked a lot of cocks, but I also got a lot of crack.

I didn't realise, at the time, that I'd hit rock bottom.

I quite enjoyed it, actually.

But then Jess gave me an ultimatum,

that night in Pizza Express.

She said stop sucking cocks for crack, or lose her.

So, I stopped.

And now here I am, a decade later

with the most successful skip hire business in the North West.

So, I'd like to raise a glass.

To the hot tub.

Ah, OK.

Hot tub.

You know, you and that baby are totally fucked

if you think he's going to be of any use.

Dad's been a lot more helpful than you'd expect, actually.

You all know it. Jess knows it.

Useless brother, useless husband, useless dad.

And he'll be a useless grandad to that little baby.

And he's scared of hot tubs.

It's the only reason I bought one,

to see the fear in Malcolm's eyes.

I'm not.

I've remembered now and I'm not.

Yeah, I didn't think he was.

Yeah, you are. Otherwise, what's this fucking tea all about?

Right, I'll show you!

What's he doing? What's your dad doing?

I honestly have no idea.

Malcolm! Sliders off before you go in the house, Malcolm!

- Malcolm! - Dad, what are you doing?

- Right. I'll show you. - No, no... No!

I'm going to show you.

- What are you... Oi! - Oh, my God!

- No! - Weyyyy, ha-ha!

Right, I'm going to sit in here

and eat my lovely trifle by my lovely daughter.

And I'm going to let this water float away all my cares.

Malcolm, get out of that hot tub.

No! Oh, eh...

- JESS AND GEMMA LAUGH - Whoa! - No!

That's going to fuck the filter.

- Get out, Malcolm! - Hey, this is good, love.

- Jess, he's made it all mucky. He's made it all mucky. - I know, baby.

Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone.

Look at that.

Bloody lovely.

Is your partner late again?

No, I'm doing it alone, actually.

Oh...

Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Rush.

I've been asked to take over this Becoming Mummies course

because Twinky has been arrested.

Let's get some questions and we can see where the gaps are.

Is it possible to legally force the midwife

to follow my birth plan to the letter?

And can we sue them if they don't?

Planning a birth is like planning a car crash.

We all know what we'd like to happen, steer into the skid,

but sometimes you just have to take your hands off the wheel.

That's a no, then, is it?

A birth plan is what you hope for.

Not what's actually going to happen.

That's not what Twinky said.

Well, Twinky was a bell-end.

You have no control over any of this,

beyond your own attitude.

That's what makes this all so terrifying.

But empowering, too.

Can I ask my partner to try and avoid pain relief?

I mean, she should ignore you.

But, yeah, you can ask her.

Why don't you try slamming his balls into a car door?

And if he can get through that without pain relief,

then have the conversation.

Hey. I have something to show you.

MALCOLM LAUGHS

OK.

GEMMA GASPS

Ta-dah!

Dad...

- Oh, Dad! - Yeah? Eh?

Not so useless now, am I?

No. Amazing drill work.

Yeah, well, I know my way around a joist.

I don't even know what a joist is.

I'm so glad you like it.

I'll put dinner on.

- Shit! - What was that?

Nothing, nothing.

Shite!