Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Dad!

What?

The lights! It's the middle of the day.

Sorry, Gem.

But you're better at all that than me, aren't you?

What?!

Better at turning lights off?

That's not a life skill, Dad.

Chickens can turn lights off.

Well, it was your mum that turned the lights off

in the old house, you know.

She had her system, so I didn't like to interfere.

Well, I'm not Mum, so you need to learn

when the appropriate time to have lights on and off is.

- But do you want a hint? - Yeah.

If it's dark, turn them on.

If it's not dark,

turn the fucking lights off!

All right. If you don't mind me saying, you're a bit stressed

for someone who's just been to a yoga class.

Well, you're costing me all this money, Dad.

All the lights are on, 45-minute showers.

I need a long shower, don't I?

I need to, like, you know, get things out of my system.

Ugh, what things?!

And then this morning I find out Baris has put the rent up.

I thought you were supposed to speak to him?

Yeah, I did, I did -

but it was mostly about nunchuks.

You know, I'm just not good at confrontation, am I, Gem?

Well, strap in, because we're about to have a big bloody row.

OK.

I can't afford to cover all this.

Not once I'm on maternity leave. PHONE VIBRATES

So you're gonna need to take up extra shifts at the warehouse...

Dad! Hello? Are you even listening?

Yeah, shifts. Warehouse.

Sorry, I just need to check if this is Helen.

"Helen"?

Yeah. It's my girlfriend.

What?!

I didn't know whether I was ready, you know,

and then I got a postcard from your mum

saying her loins had shrivelled up and died the last time we, er...

- Ugh! - So I thought to myself, "Come on, Malcolm,

"she's not coming back."

You know? Time for pastures new -

and then Helen just popped into my life.

How did you meet a woman?

Well we've not "met" met, you know, just...

Well, we met in cyberspace.

You know, on an app.

Oh, Dad...

We need to have a chat about catfishing.

He's driving me nuts.

Obviously.

- He dried his underpants in the microwave the other day. - Oh!

I shouldn't have to tell my own father

what he can and can't put in the microwave.

Hey, you should put a note on it, like Mum did.

Do you remember?

"No metal spoons, Malcolm. You twat."

Ooh, maybe I should make him a sign.

- Oh, my God. - What?

You're turning into mum!

I am not.

You are!

He's turning you into a replacement wife.

Oh! Oh...

I don't know how I'm gonna cope when the baby gets here.

You need to get yourself a business plan to get out of this mess.

Your last "business plan" got you incarcerated -

but, go ahead, Apprentice me, Jeffrey Bezos.

Well...

..given your very limited skillset,

I think your best option

is to find a rich, and preferably senile, guy ASAP.

Asap!

I'm good, 'in't I?

Mm.

Fuck.

If she won't let me see the kids this weekend,

she is not getting the crunchy bears.

Bloody women.

Yeah.

Talking of women, I have been looking for a companion on this app,

and I've found one.

Yeah, and we've been chatting, you know - and her name is Helen.

She's 50 and she works at the hospital,

and she doesn't have any kids or anything.

All right. Bang her, then leave her.

Yeah. Definitely. It's just...

- I think I'm in love with her. - HE SCOFFS

She-She's really funny you know and she just says things like...

Oh, Malcolm.

Women aren't funny.

Show me.

You dirty old dog!

This is a hook-up app!

A what?

Casual sex.

No. No, Helen wouldn't do that.

Malcolm, I promise you, this app is for finding a no-strings fuck buddy.

B-But I like strings, don't I?

I mean, strings are romantic, aren't they?

Let's see if she's turned on the "mutual attraction" feature.

What?

It lets you find each other, so you can meet up and smash.

What, without going to the cinema first?

Bingo.

I use this for my casual encounters all the time.

Or I will do. I'm just, er...

..just waiting for a couple of rashes to clear up.

Give us it back.

So, you get this boring notification that alerts you

when you're within five metres of each other,

or you can pay extra for this.

- AIRHORN - Wow, wow, pussy alert.

- Want me to add it to yours too? - Wow, wow pussy alert.

- No, no, thanks. - Wow, wow, pussy alert.

- I'm fine with the factory settings. - Wow, wow, pussy alert.

Wow, wow, pussy alert...

Rita, they're out of decaf at the minimart.

- Do you want me to go to the big shop? - Oh, no need, love.

Ooh, I know - let's open the tequila instead.

It's 9am, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.

Winnie'll have one won't you? Little minx.

And I work so much better when I'm a few glasses down.

Congratulations, Gemma, love!

And we don't know who the father is, do we?

Is it that old one?

I thought you dumped that old one months ago.

I did dump him.

Because he wanted to settle down and have kids and I didn't.

- Oh! - Mm, the irony.

Adam actually asked me to marry him.

And why the hell didn't you, you silly mare?

You can't be turning men down in your condition.

I wasn't pregnant when he asked.

He owned that bungalow outright.

His trousers weren't made of polyester.

I'd kill for a man like that.

I wasn't in love with him.

Love? Pah.

I've been married four times, Gemma, and not once was it for love.

A house, a car, some exquisite crockery -

but never love.

That's really sad, Rita.

I didn't plan on getting wed at all.

When I was your age,

I was after joining MI6

and being one of those spies that shagged about for secrets.

Am I gonna regret asking why you didn't become a spy?

I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour of the Coronation Street set.

They found out - they said I wasn't very discerning.

How did they find out?

Oh, I must have done it on camera by accident.

Didn't know I did Kevin Webster too, though, did they? Hmm?

Bloody MI6. They don't know shit.

I'm sorry, what are you trying to tell me?

Well, life is about compromise.

Especially for us girls.

My sister said something very similar.

Just because she's in prison

for paying a man to push another man down a lift-shaft...

Off a fire escape.

..does not mean she gives bad advice.

And you can tell your dad he's welcome to pop in

for a Corrie Special whenever he likes.

- Rita! - I'm just saying.

Want a top up, Winnie?

Oh, you've not finished that one.

Thanks for coming with me. Um...

So, sorry, which one am I?

The blue dot that's moving, because of how you're moving.

Who's the pink one?

Fucking Helen!

OK. All right...

- There's two fucking dots, Malcolm. - Yeah, I know, I know.

- Sorry. I get confused. - Get your head in the game, man!

I don't know...

So, what's she like? Other than well up for it?

She's lovely.

We watch Emily In Paris at the same time

and then message each other about what Emily's wearing.

Weak.

Should get her to watch some UFC with you.

If she's turned on by a man

round-housing another man's head off, then she's a keeper.

She's a vegan, which is a worry,

in case I smell of meat.

Do I smell of meat?

HE SNIFFS

I mean, a bit. But, you know, in a good way.

- She runs. - Mental.

And she believes in angels.

What?

Yeah. She believes in angels.

You know, that they, like...

..they walk amongst us -

and it's very important that I believe in that, too.

- Well, do you? - Well, er...

I could. I mean, why not?

PHONE VIBRATES

OK. She's heading towards us.

Now's your chance.

55-year-old male, arrived by car.

Lacerations to both legs after a strimmer accident.

Careful...

He went into cardiac arrest on the way here.

Oh, my God, Malcolm! Did you see that?

I know.

I used to love using my strimmer.

Derek...

What kind of bloke are you after?

Other than "rich", to quote your sister.

Erm, not a prick.

Someone who is willing to look after my unborn child.

Is that a high bar or a low bar? I can't tell.

Will you help me find him?

I can if we go to Sugar Daddies.

Oh, God, it's not actually called that, is it?

Ugh, may as well be -

but trust me, it is THE place to go for your fairy-tale ending.

That good?

Mate of mine - no money, grotty flat -

went there one night, hooked up with an oligarch,

got married, he got murdered.

She now lives on a yacht with her super hot wife and couple of pugs.

Oh, my God.

A real-life Cinderella story.

Innit?!

Ooh, hello, ruffles!

Ooh.

Yeah. That's the one, isn't it?

- Gem... - Mmm.

Gem, can I ask a favour?

Oh, I'm not squeezing your back spots again, Dad.

Oh, no, it's not that...

I just wondered if I could borrow your very smart telephone to, erm...

..take a pic of my willy.

No chance.

Use your own.

I can't, can I?

I bought it second-hand off Andy, and he's smashed the camera in.

- Why? - Well, cos his brother told him to

in case he caught 5G or something, I don't know.

- No. - Oh, go on!

It's for Helen, you know, so she can...

So she can see the goods.

Dad, Helen is a six foot trucker from Didsbury.

No, she's not. Me and Derek saw her.

She's lovely.

Right!

Well, if she's so lovely, why are you sending her a picture

of your willy? Your penis?

Well, you know, I'm just stepping up the wooing to the next level.

An unsolicited dick pic is not the next level.

No, it's not unsolicited - it's solicited.

She sent me pictures of her... lady breasts.

Loads of pictures, actually.

Go on, Gem.

Oh, my God...

No.

Christ.

God.

I probably don't deserve love, do I, anyway?

Look at me.

Take it!

Oh, thanks, Gem!

Fucking hell.

Gem?

What?

Erm...

I don't know how to send it.

You couldn't it send to me, could you?

Cos then I can send to her, you see.

Dad, are you for real?

Please.

Oh, my God.

Cheers.

Jesus, Dad.

This is flaccid.

- Well, I didn't want to be presumptuous, did I? - No.

You cannot send a flaccid cock shot.

OK? This looks like a baby rat that's fallen asleep on a scourer.

Do it again.

But this time...

..erect.

Thanks, Gemma.

I'll just pop on a Kylie video.

Go on.

Get comfy.

Are you sure you still want to do this?

Yep.

After what I had to do to help my dad get a date,

this is going to feel like a walk in the park.

Let's find you a daddy.

Cute.

Right, follow me, babe.

Wow.

God, you really weren't joking about who comes in here.

Right.

A few little rules worth keeping in mind.

This is not the first time I've chatted men up in a bar.

- Laugh at all their terrible jokes. - Mm-hm.

Don't talk about politics.

Pretend you like golf.

DON'T slag off the King.

Hadn't actually thought of those last two.

Ladies.

He smells weird.

Oh, pregnancy early warning system.

Sorry, babe.

- Hey. - Hi. - I'm Clint.

Friends call me the Clintser.

Ooh...

Er, what's your favourite novel, Clint?

Shakespeare.

Mm-hm.

- Mmmm. - Oh.

Bye.

- Look, this won't work if you're too picky. - No, I know.

I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll make an effort with the next one.

- Even if he's gross and thick? - Yeah.

I'm not leaving here

until I have a potential father for my unborn child.

Good lass.

- Ooh... - May I buy you ladies a drink?

Champagne, maybe?

I'm Fergal.

- And you are...? - Gemma. - Cherry.

I was going to say,

"Far too gorgeous to be in a place like this."

Fucking baiter.

I knew you'd get stood up, Malc.

I knew it.

I told you not to send her a pickle picture without showing me first.

Helen was very nice about my "display", actually.

And, anyway, she hasn't stood me up.

Well, not yet, anyway.

Then why is she meeting you so late?

She's probably waiting for her jealous husband to fall asleep.

She does overtime on Fridays.

I'm sorry, Derek.

I'm just nervous, aren't I?

Oh, grow up.

You are a man,

and any man is better than any female.

Oh, what, so Fred West better than Shirley Bassey, is he?

You're fiddling the system now, Malcolm. Stop it.

I mean, what if she wants to, you know...?

Good! That's what you're paying £2.99 a month for.

I'm not ready for that...

- I'm not ready... - Malcolm?

No! No, no! Sorry!

I didn't get the alert!

I didn't get an alert. I'm not ready!

I'm not ready! I'm not ready!

- Aah! - Malcolm?

- Is he OK? - Obviously not.

And that's your fault.

Who are you?

Oh.

Oh, no, what's happening?

Oh, no, I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh...

Oh, you should probably do the thing.

Help me. Help me...!

Ugh...

Dickhead.

Malcolm, my friend, what you need is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert".

Your husband's a professional rugby player?

Yeah, he has been with the same club since he was 11 years old.

He'll never move away, though, his mum's a right needy wanker.

She has Parkinson's disease.

Yeah, and she doesn't let you forget it.

- Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? - Yeah.

Another round, Fergal?

You're so good at buying drinks, after all.

That's a terrible line!

But I-I am very good at buying drinks.

Thank you.

Mate, sorry.

Excu...

Hi!

- Er, hi...Gemma? - Mm-hm.

Are you here alone?

Er, with my boss.

Oh, right. Is he a massive douchebag?

No, he's just...really lonely.

Can I buy you a drink? Maybe?

Erm, could we get a bottle of champagne and some sparkling water?

Whoa!

Shit, OK.

Do you think I'm running some sort of Breaking Bad operation?

Because while I technically do know how to make methamphetamine,

I would have absolutely no idea how to shift it.

Drinks are on Fergal.

Sorry, who's Fergal?

Er, Fergs and I have decided this place sucks a donkey's big fat dick.

That's not quite what I said.

- Who is this? - I... - We're going back to mine.

- You coming? - Er... - Great!

You found one for me too! Thanks, babe.

- You can have this back. - Thanks.

Come on.

What did you tell her?

- That you had the shits. - Oh...

I said you'd seen an angel and it'd made your stomach go funny.

Why?!

Cos it's just as likely as anything else that would happen

if you saw an angel.

You know, I'm not cut out for this.

Davina was cruel,

but at least I knew where all her bits were and how they worked.

She was like a menopausal Ford Focus.

Hey, come on.

You'll get there, champ.

If not now, then...one day.

Besides, now I've Helen up close,

she's only a six at best on the pussy-ometer, so...

Six? I like a six.

So are you, erm, a doctor?

- No. - Oh...

I love a man in uniform.

That's nice... I don't... I don't wear one of those either.

So, I guess this is the part where you tell me you are married...?

I was married,

but we split up six months ago.

We were childhood sweethearts,

but she wanted something different.

And she was devoted to her career,

but I...

I really want a family.

God, I didn't even know that men had a biological clock.

Alexa, play Fergal's Midnight Playlist.

What the fuck...?

You're the Best Thing by The Style Council

Oh, my God, I've not heard this song for years.

My dad would sing this all the time when we were little.

Yeah. Yeah, guys.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, I'll just, erm...

Yeah.

Cheers, everybody.

So, you'll message me?

Look, I really like you, so I don't want to start with a lie.

I'm pregnant.

- What? - Mm.

Wow. That's...

- Massive. - Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, do you still want that DM?

I don't know where this is gonna go...

..but girls like you really don't come along very often.

It's such a beautiful morning.

Yeah.

Oh, no!

Chemtrails.

What?

You see that line behind the plane up there?

That's a fucking chemtrail.

Fuck!

Fucking cloud bastards.

The government use aeroplanes to pump chemicals into the atmosphere,

which keep the electorate stupid and control our minds.

It's the same with fluoride in the water.

If it's to protect people's teeth,

why have so many people got fillings?

Think about it. I mean, it makes no fucking sense.

Mm...

I'm in a WhatsApp group,

we're really trying to blow this whole thing wide open.

Let the sheeple know the truth.

Yeah, about the chemtrails?

I'll add you to the group.

OK!

- Thanks for a great night. - Thanks.

So close.

Dad! Have you had the lights on since I left this morning?

No.

You've been moping about for days.

Are you still connected to her on the app?

Yeah.

That's how I know she's been at work all week,

but she hasn't read or replied to any of my messages.

Right.

Have a short shower and get dressed.

You're going to tell her how you feel, the old-fashioned way.

What, a post-it note through the letterbox?

What?

It's just here, by the church.

I don't know what I'm gonna say to her.

Just tell her you're sorry.

Still don't think we should have brought

your emotional support dickhead along.

Yeah. She's getting married.

Called it.

She just wanted you for one last blow on the meat horn, Malc.

And you bailed on her.

Do not listen to him, Dad.

She'll just be a guest.

Have you got the flowers?

This is so not wedding-appropriate.

What if I get tagged in the photos?

I think you look lovely.

You've got that glow, the baby glow.

She's dead.

- Malcolm... - Oh Dad!

Excuse me.

Oh, God.

It's probably for the best.

Hey, she could have had a disease

she was trying to pass on as an act of vengeance.

Shut up.

I can't believe she's dead.

One minute, she's sat in the garden with a chunky John Grisham,

and the next her brain just pops.

Did you know Helen well?

Erm...

She was so lovely.

Helped me out no end with this one.

She was lovely, wasn't she?

I just wish I'd had a chance to tell her, you know...

They've put her phone in the casket,

so you can send her a little message later if you like.

Lovely.

Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber

AIRHORN

- Wow, wow, pussy alert. - Derek!

- It's you, Malcolm. - Wow, wow, pussy alert.

- Turn your phone off. Have some respect. - Wow, wow, pussy alert.

- Wow, wow, pussy alert. - Can you hold them?

Wow, wow, pussy alert.

Wow, wow, pussy alert. Wow, wow, pussy alert.

I've got it. It's off.

At least she's with her best friends, the angels, now.

Was it the start of something beautiful with Fergal?

Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group

dedicated to exposing government conspiracy theories.

Chemtrails, specifically.

Oh, mate. I am so sorry.

No, it's better I find out now than on our wedding day.

How pregnant are you?

What gave it away?

Those antibiotics you had are mainly given to pregnant people.

Plus you weren't drinking at Sugar Daddies.

Yeah. 18 weeks.

And he's not on the scene, which is why I was at the club,

because I was panicking about doing it alone.

That's, er...

That's a lot.

Fergal was really fit though, wasn't he?

Yeah. Really...fit.

Do you, er...

..fancy getting a coffee sometime?

I think it's your turn to pay.

Oh, my God, it is.

Yeah. Oh, perfect.

I can tell you all about my theory on why 9/11 was an inside job.