Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Dad!

The bin's full again?

Oh, er, yeah.

No, no,

that's going to block the toilet.

Oh, nonsense.

Eh?

I've flushed bigger fish than that down the lavvy.

Goldfish are tiny.

Oh, no, not a goldfish.

Derek had a koi carp once for about 24 hours.

We had to cut it into three to get it around the u-bend,

but Diana flushed away no problem.

Right, OK.

Well, it's bin day, and this hasn't been taken out,

even though it's one of your jobs.

And that means that the bin men...

Oh, er, bin people.

Aren't going to collect it,

which means I'm going to have to take it to the tip this afternoon.

Well, just drop it into number 16.

She'll never notice.

Yeah, well, obviously I'm going to do that,

but can you at least empty it?

Soz.

- Oh. - Oh!

Is that the baby kicking?

Are you serious?

Well, I don't know when they get legs, do I, Gemma, I'm not a doctor.

I don't know these things.

I didn't even know it was bin day.

It's on the calendar - look.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh! - Oh!

Sorry, sorry!

GEMMA RETCHES

Oh!

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You've been here less than a month.

What?

Oh, my God!

It's my coat, isn't it?

Don't worry.

- What's this? Your hormones? - No, Dad, it's you!

Why can't you behave like a fully-grown adult?

Because your mum never taught me.

What? How to be a functioning human being? That wasn't her job.

It was.

Who else is supposed to teach me what to flush down the lavvy?

Or what to use to mop up bin juice?

Right, nothing but toilet roll

and literally anything but a coat.

- Better?! - Oh.

Fine, I'll ask Dad instead.

He's not even visited yet

and you're going to ask Dad to smuggle a phone into prison

up his arse canal?

Yeah.

And what if he enjoyed it?

Cos you know what men are like.

God's sake.

So how's it going with the...?

Oh, my pregnancy?

- Yeah. - There's not much for me to do now.

I just need to let the egg do its thing.

Have you told Mum?

Yeah, yeah, she texted me,

"Good luck, you'll need it."

And a gif of someone blowing their brains out.

Oh!

Eh, well, I hope Daddy Bear's loaded.

What are you asking for?

Total buyout or monthly repayments?

Jesus Christ, it's a baby, not a BMW.

All right.

And I'm not entirely sure who the father is.

I should be able to work it out once I have my ultrasound.

You should be able to?

I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiance murdered.

Tried and failed.

How can it be a crime if you don't achieve it?

That's what my girls say.

Your girls?

Finally made it onto the D-Block girls' squad.

We all look out for each other.

You know, if you're having a bad day, you got menstrual cramps,

or you need an alibi

cos some evil bitch needs a cutting.

How do you do it?

Well, usually someone just smuggles a blade from the kitchen.

No.

Make friends.

You've always had loads,

even though you're a bit of a sociopath.

Just a people person, Gemma.

You push women away.

And you push men off fire escapes.

BELL RINGS

Right, that's it.

Quick!

I told you to stop putting stuff up your arse!

I told him to stop!

I don't even need a new vape pen.

Up his arse.

Yeah.

What is going on?

It's called peacocking.

And it's a fantastic way to pick up women.

Women with no self-esteem from 2004?

Oh, so boring.

Cheers, king.

Oh.

So, Malcolm, how would you

like to be a hit with the ladies?

Maybe, you know, eventually.

Mm-hm, yeah.

Then I have three words for you.

Close...up...magic.

If you can manipulate a ball into a cup,

you can manipulate a woman into bed.

Dad, a word.

You know I tolerate him.

But I think you need new friends.

What's wrong with Derek?

He's dressed like a pantomime pirate.

BANGING

Oh, fuck, not again!

Well, he's my best mate.

Is he, though?

You're going through a divorce and I'm pregnant.

No offence, you're driving me nuts.

I think we need a support network of normal friends.

Derek's going through a divorce and all, isn't he?

He's not normal.

I got the real mouse and the fake mouse mixed up.

This is for your UTI.

Thanks.

So, how are you feeling about everything?

Yeah, OK.

I guess.

How am I supposed to be feeling?

Excited?

Happy?

Nervous, scared?

Yeah, all of those.

Except for happy, maybe.

But who's happy, eh?

I saw women on the news having babies in literal war zones,

so if they're fine, then...

Mm, I don't think they are fine.

I think they're deeply traumatised.

Ah-ha, yeah.

Well, what I'm saying is I'm not in a war zone, so I should be fine.

According to the news.

We run a coffee morning here on a Thursday

for mummies-to-be to find friends.

Two mummies got on so well, they're getting married next year.

I bet the daddies weren't happy.

No, no, they tried to sue us.

But there's a...

..flyer here if you're interested.

Thanks, but I've actually got loads of female friends.

Oh, really?

- Mm-hm. - What are their names?

Their names.

Yeah.

Well, you've got Cheryl.

Um, Nadine.

Sarah.

Kimberley and...

What's the other one called?

Nicola?

Nicola, yes!

I'm going to take one of these.

Not because I need it.

Malc,

a ropey Korean buffet has wiped out the entire front office.

Boss needs you to go customer facing.

Oh, can't...can't Jamie do it

because he likes talking to outsiders, doesn't he?

He likes showing them his extra nipple too.

He's got a thripple?

Which is why Jamie no longer works here.

So get to it, yeah?

Unless you want some shifts cutting next rota.

There's a good lad.

Cherry, hey!

Great to see you, how have you been?

What a fucking awful thing to say to me, Gemma.

What? Why?

Don't pretend you don't know.

Everybody knows.

I honestly don't.

Lance left me and the kids.

He left me for a much younger woman.

How much younger?

She's 16.

Oh, God.

You know what those rugby guys are like.

Oh, he was doing a special visit to a children's home,

and she just hooked her claws in.

Bitch.

Right.

Well, I'm really sorry that happened to you, Cherry.

Hey, maybe we should have a mad night out,

you know, like the old days.

We've never been out together before.

We've been in the same place at the same time.

Might cheer you up.

I thought you were only hanging around

with people you were shagging.

Nope, that's the old me.

OK, I've been listening to a lot of feminist podcasts.

Friendzies before menzies.

All right.

Look, Tamika Chase is having a party on Saturday at Alfredo's,

and, um, I need a wing woman to help me get laid.

Wasn't Tamika Chase a real bitch at school?

Didn't she superglue you to a tin of peaches?

A catering-sized tin of peaches.

That's why I don't want to go on my own.

Well, I can't wait.

All right, great, I'll get some coke in.

Help take the edge off the bullying.

- See you there. - See you there.

Oh!

My coffee hero.

Thanks again for that.

You're a real life-saver.

Xander.

Don't mention it. You know, buying coffee, using a defib.

It's all part of the training.

That's £9.65.

Unless you're exempt.

No, no.

Fully employed and fit.

Apart from...

Well, make sure you take the whole course,

even if it does clear up sooner...

..Gemma.

Oh, it definitely will.

There's barely an infection in my urinary tract at all...

..Xander.

Sorry.

Er, hello.

Hello.

Hello, how can I help you?

Hi!

Who's actually in charge here?

Cos I've got three jobs I'm managing,

all still waiting on those bloody tiles...

..I ordered weeks ago.

Are you looking for someone to shout at?

Well, I was.

Less so now it's just you here, hiding behind a counter.

No, I'm not hiding. I just dropped something.

It was, um...

..a good coin.

Yeah, oh, there it is.

Malcolm Musgrave.

Stuart!

Your Gemma went to school with my girl?

Stuart.

Cor, you look different.

Lost 8st.

Yeah, and had me jaw completely rebuilt.

Contact lenses.

Oh, yeah.

How are you?

Still playing five-a-side?

Oh, no.

No, my knees.

How about that pub band?

I had to sell the drum kit, you know,

because Davina wanted a pagoda, so...

Oh, pagodas are nice.

Yeah, she didn't get one in the end.

Look, I should come clean with you, Stuart, that, um...

..my wife left me.

Mine, too.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Did yours become a lesbian?

No, I don't think so.

Loads of them have, Malcolm.

Hundreds of them.

I blame the contraceptive pill myself.

You know they never really tested it properly?

I'm pretty sure that's why loads of middle-aged women

have become lesbians.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm joking.

That would be an insane thing to think.

Yeah, don't think that.

No.

I started this little group for men who were having a tough time.

We do boxing.

Does wonders for the old black dog.

Fancy coming along Saturday morning?

Oh, that sounds great.

And I like dogs.

They tried to give me the keys at work today.

Oh, no, you hate that.

Yeah, I'm not a key person, Gemma.

First they give you the keys, and then you're on a list

in case there's a break-in.

And before you know it, you're on the hook for corporate manslaughter.

Yeah, that's the usual order of events.

Well, I made a friend, though.

Someone brought their dog in?

No, it was a man and a nice man.

Yeah, we've got loads in common.

Like, his wife has left him and all.

And we both miss going to the Wimpy.

And neither of us likes stinging nettles,

so we've got loads in common.

Great!

I made a friend too, actually.

- Remember Cherry from school? - Mm-hm.

Didn't get on back then, but she has kids now

- so it could be useful. - Right.

Um...

..do you want some ketchup with that?

With my curry?

Right, yeah, that's fine.

Fine, yeah.

Jesus!

Dad...

- Did you buy this from Derek? - Yeah.

It's good, innit?

He said it's a wow with the ladies.

I'm telling you now, it's not.

Come on, Malcolm.

Show me that rage.

Yeah, get in contact with how Davina made you feel.

She made me feel really horrible, Stuart.

That's why I try not to think of her at all.

Come on, Mal, last big push.

U-u-urgh!

A-a-a-argh!

BELL RINGS

Derek... Derek says the best way to get over someone

is to make someone else cry.

You know, you, you shift the pain onto them.

Well, that sounds seriously toxic.

- Who's Derek? - He's my friend.

Hey.

I'm throwing Tam a big 25th tonight.

She's had a tough year

with her mum leaving,

and boyfriend suddenly passed away.

- Oh! - You'll come?

Bring Derek if you want.

Sounds like he could do with some male support too.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Keep the gloves.

They're a good fit.

Oh!

Thanks.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Hiya.

Great dress!

- Cost 400 quid. - What?

I need 400 quid's worth of dick tonight, babe.

Oof, that's a lot of dick. I can't promise anything.

I better warn you, Tamika Chase still hasn't forgiven you

for the Ross Beakfield stuff.

What Ross Beakfield stuff?

CAR HORN TOOTS

She's here.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Tamika Chase is in da house!

HORN BLARES

Let's get this fucking party started!

Oh, Cherry.

Do you want to park the bitch machine for me?

Any scratches and I will rip your hair out. Thank you.

See you in a bit. Thank you.

We're going to have a brilliant night.

As long as she doesn't glue us to tinned goods.

She might do that.

Right.

Shall I park the car?

- Yeah? - You park the car.

I think so.

Never have children, Gemma.

Do you know, since having the kids, my life has become so boring

and tiring and boring.

- Is it really that bad? - Mm.

Mm.

I'm just so sick of mummy friends and talking about Lego and nits.

Wait, what the hell is my dad doing here?

That's your dad with Tam's dad?

That's Tamika's dad?

Oh, God.

That's a DILF.

- Hey. - For fuck's sake. - Derek.

- My friends call me the big D. - I bet they do.

Hey, are you my appendix?

Because I have no idea what you do,

but I feel like I should take you out.

Absolutely not, no.

Ugh, eurgh.

- I'm going to pretend that never happened. - OK, thanks.

I just don't think there's enough support for anyone in crisis,

us fellows included.

Yeah, when Davina left, I was in a really terrible place.

Mentally?

No, it was a bedsit.

Let's just say, you know, there was lots of, like,

sticky stains and stuff everywhere.

You ain't slagging off my gaff again, Malcolm?

Derek! No, no, it was a palace, wasn't it?

I miss it, I really miss it.

Derek, Stuart, Stuart, Derek.

Malcolm was telling me about your bedsit for divorced men.

Yeah, I expect you'll turn up one day with a suitcase full of chinos.

Unlikely.

My company pulled in half a million last quarter.

Oh, well done, Stuart.

Mate, there are bags of women in here tonight.

Hey, I was talking to Stuart, he's a really nice guy.

Who likes nice men?

No, mate, these hoes are primed for you to make a move.

Come on. You know what to do.

Get the eggs out?

Get the fucking eggs out.

Are you going to get the eggs out?

We can't both get the eggs out, Malcolm.

We'd look really weird, wouldn't we?

No, no, I'm trying my hand at ghosting this evening.

Apparently chicks go mental for ghosting.

What's ghosting?

I'm ignoring every single woman in here.

Ghosting them all.

And they love it.

Watch this. Watch this.

Hey...

See that, Malc?

Master.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was great.

SQUEAL OF DELIGHT

Tamika! Hey...

- Gemma Moscrip. - Hiya.

Can I get you a drink? Happy birthday.

- Our dads are really getting along. - Yeah.

Loads of fucking loser dickheads love Stuart.

He's a beacon for the pathetic.

OK.

You haven't changed much since school, then.

We haven't.

- My boyfriend says I still look 15. - Ooft.

Is your boyfriend on the sex offenders register?

Hope you got Tam something amazing.

You owe her, after all.

Oh, no, babe, babe, babe, don't worry about it.

When your daddy gets you a Jag for your birthday,

it really doesn't matter what the chaff bring in.

Come on.

TAMIKA SIGHS

Oh, my God.

Stop trying to touch stuff, all right?

Hiya, Dad.

Silly question, why are you making hard boiled eggs

come out of your mouth?

Well, Derek says everybody loves eggs, that's all.

No, they don't. Vegans don't.

Oh, well, I'd argue they love eggs more than ordinary people.

Yeah, I'd be over the moon if someone handed me a free egg, Gemma.

That's come out of their mouth?

Well, you can rinse it, can't you?

If I buy you a drink,

will you promise to stop making eggs come out of your mouth?

- Yeah, all right. I'll have a ginger beer. - OK.

- Stuart. - Dad.

Do you want this ginger beer or not?

- All right, Malcolm? - Yeah. You?

Oh, fucking hell.

Right, tell me what all this is about, then.

Ross.

Beakfield.

What about Ross Beakfield?

- You dated him. - For like a week, ten years ago.

And you slept with him.

Oh, my God. I barely kissed him.

Well, I was in love with him and you stole him from me.

And I can never tell him, because he's dead.

Yeah.

No, I don't think he is.

Well, I think he is.

Because his mum texted me about four months ago saying his number

was no longer in use, because he had died very, very suddenly.

Mm-hm. It's really funny, that, because I heard that

he moved to Basingstoke four months ago because you were stalking him.

He wasn't your boyfriend?

No, he was. Yeah, he was.

Cos that's the truth I was choosing to live by, Stuart.

- Did you know? - Why didn't you tell me?

- He's not dead? - No.

But we held that mini wake.

No, he is dead.

Because I had RIP Ross Beakfield tattooed on my...

..kitten.

- Gun. - Glue gun! - I will glue you, Gemma Moscrip.

One day, when you least expect it, I'm going to fucking glue you.

To what?

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

- No! - No!

Tamika?! Tamika?

What the actual fuck? £400 dress.

Four hundred quid, mate.

Never going to have any dick...

You were so cool, even though she threatened to glue you!

That isn't a thing. Is that going to come out?

Do you want some?

SHE BURPS

I can't.

I'm pregnant.

SHE LAUGHS

- Wait, what? - I am.

I don't know how many weeks.

My first scan's on Monday.

Babe, that is so amazing.

Why didn't you say anything earlier? Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

Cos I thought you wouldn't want to hang out.

I didn't, but I do now! Oh, my God.

Oh, you are so lucky.

Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA.

God, I'm still getting my head round it.

- I don't know who I should tell... - What you can and can't do. Yeah.

Well, any advice, I am here for you.

Thanks.

Wow.

Mm!

There's one thing I can still do.

CHERRY GASPS

Peow!

Did you steal that from her? Nice.

I got glue...

Right. I'm sorry about that, Stuart.

Don't worry about it, Malcolm.

Hey, do you think Tamika's a bit spoilt?

Well, maybe, you know. Just a little bit, like.

Yeah.

Anyway...

Now you've got my number, give us a call any time, especially

if you want to rant about the ex.

Yeah, or if I find a stubborn patch of nettles.

THEY LAUGH

My car!

YOUR car?

Malcolm!

What has your daughter done to my car?

Tamika said it was her birthday present.

- I let her drive it as a present. - Oh!

Jesus Christ!

My car.

Where's the nearest Jet Wash? I can't let it dry like this.

Are you, er, are you going to want those boxing gloves back, Stuart?

Yes, Malcolm!

Sorry, Dad.

I loved those gloves.

Yeah.

I got you a hot chocolate.

Dad!

Well, er, your scan was on the calendar, wasn't it? So...

Gemma. The sonographer'll see you now.

- Is it all right if my dad comes in? - Yeah. Of course.

Come on.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, it's all right.

Hey, do you want to go for lunch after?

Oh, hey, I brought my own.

How long has that been in your pocket?

Ha-ha-ha! A while.