Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the start

Have you got a condom?

INTERCOM PINGS

My wallet's in my bag.

And it doesn't have any condoms in it.

- Oh, I think I might have one. - OK.

- Must've fallen out. - Oh.

I mean, we could still...

Erm...

What about disease?

- You what? - Oh, I'm not suggesting you've got anything.

No, it's just that advert from the '80s.

"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

Scared the life out of me when I first saw it.

I think it's, "AIDS. Don't die of ignorance."

I saw it on TikTok.

Pretty sure it's, "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die of ignorance."

Why would it be, "AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."

- Well... - That's a terrible slogan.

- Well, let's just agree to disagree, shall we? - OK.

Could all passengers please return to their seats,

as we begin our descent into Manchester Airport.

Are we doing this then or what?

Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in the sink to be sensible.

- Yeah. - OK.

- Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. - Gemma.

Hiya, Rita.

You're nearly an hour late, lady.

Yeah, I had to get the bus from Cheadle.

What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm.

Who were you doing in Cheadle? I mean, I'm not judging.

I was the same at her age.

I'm the same at my age.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, you can take those off, Stevie Wonder.

I don't want people thinking I employ wankers.

I've got a reputation to think of. Hmm?

His name's Liam. He's a painter.

Oh, did you take his business card?

I've been after someone to give my boxroom a lick.

As in artist.

Bloody hell, has this got vodka in it?

Hair of the dog.

So tell us about this new one, then.

I'm not going to see him again.

Wears the same deodorant as me dad.

Very off putting at a pivotal moment.

How is your hunky dad? Have you seen him, Winnie?

Oof!

Do you think he's ready for love again?

Maybe with a sexually adventurous salon owner?

I've told you, you're not his type.

I'm everybody's type, Gemma.

What's his new place like, then?

I don't know, I haven't been round yet.

I know, he keeps asking.

I'll go later actually.

# I work all night

# I do my thing

# Just killin' time

# Need a friend

# Is this my life beginning or... #

Dad, it's Gemma.

DOOR BUZZES

Gemma.

Hey, I'm so glad you've finally got to see the place. Huh?

I know it's not Buckingham Palace, but it'll do.

And it's all I can afford...

..for now!

I shouldn't even be here.

I mean, I wasn't the one having the affair, was I?

- Have you seen your mother? - She's in Paris.

Oh, God, Paris!

I mean, what's Paris got that this place hasn't, eh?

Art, culture,

a vibrant jazz scene.

It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh?

She has gone for the cheese.

Yeah, she's gone for the cheese.

- Sorry. - No.

It's quite trendy these days actually, to drink out of jam jars.

Oh, aye?

Is it trendy to have a wee in them an all?

Don't worry.

I put an X on that one so I don't get them mixed up.

Yeah, you don't really want to use the facilities here

if you can help it.

Oh, my God, I want to die!

That's Derek.

Yeah.

He runs the gaff.

He was married for 12 years

and his wife won't let him see the kids.

- Oh, God, what is that? - Oh, sorry.

It's just erm...

Yeah, that's just a, you know, that's just a damp patch

where I've... I've been crying.

If I can keep myself together tonight, that'll dry out nicely.

BANGING ON DOOR

Malcolm?

Malcolm, open up, mate.

- I've run out of chocolate spread... - Derek.

..because some fucking DEAD MAN at work stole mine.

Hey, Derek, come in.

Yeah, I've got some somewhere.

Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma.

- Hiya. - Hey.

Hey, lovely to meet you.

Are you wearing Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker?

Yeah!

I got a bit heavy handed in Boots earlier.

- I sat in something. A pie I think. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous.

At least I hope it was a pie.

I adore Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker.

Top three smells.

CHUCKLING

Hey, you, erm, this might seem a little forward, but...

..would you be interested in dinner tomorrow night?

I know a great Italian.

Sorry, has she...she got a boyfriend? Or a husband?

- Umm... - Dad, no, I don't.

Well, then. What do you say?

Do you know what, I can't do tomorrow. I'm working.

- What, at night! - Mm.

The salon stays open late on a Thursday

- and it's my turn to lock up. - What about the next night, then?

Are you "working" then as well? Hmm?

No?

Yeah, well, fuck you!

Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm.

What a whore.

Yeah.

Dad!

You know, this is why I haven't come over sooner.

Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek.

- Oh, enjoy your plant. - Gem...?

HE SNIFFS

Hey, do you know if they're showing the match in here?

Ouch.

Sorry, they're just a bit sore. It's fine though.

- We should get them out that bra. - Yeah.

My flatmate won't be back for ages.

That's sexy.

You're a naughty, naughty, naughty girl.

- What the hell?! - Oh, yeah, what the hell.

Ho-ho!

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

A lovely place you've got.

Yeah. I've been burgled!

But have they taken the bed? Hmm.

Yeah. Or if not, the floor is just as good.

SHE RETCHES

SHE VOMITS

You all right?

Hon?

Honey?

Baby girl?

Gemma!

Gemma? Thanks.

I could Deliveroo us some oysters.

Someone's stolen all my things,

so unless your cock fires out Argos vouchers

I'm not going anywhere near it tonight.

Keely, did you lock up properly? Cos we've been fucking burgled.

I'm calling the police, but you need to get back here now.

I can see you.

I'll go...shall I?

Yeah.

Meeting you tonight...

..has changed my life.

- DM me, Gemboodles. - Gemma!

HE CHUCKLES

Don't ignore me.

I know where you live.

You're back very early.

Yeah.

I met...Danny at The Red Rock and we...

Anyway, thank God I came back early. We've been burgled.

Are you moving out?

I'm going to be a mummy!

Me and Sancho are having a baby.

What?

Sancho is an idiot who once stapled himself to a park bench.

Hey!

Sancho has a lovely flat.

No, you're right, he does, actually.

Very nice carpets.

Yeah, well...

We didn't plan on becoming Mummy and Daddy so soon,

but when we found out...

So, no doubts at all, then?

Yeah, a few.

Can we afford it?

Am I going to get fat?

What if I end up tearing my vaginger from front to back

and my entire poop system needs rebuilding?

- That can happen? - Can and does. - Oof.

- But in the end... - ..I knew I wanted this.

Fuck.

Congratulations, Gemma.

Do you know when your last period was?

Could have been a few weeks ago.

Or a couple of...months.

OK.

I was given a workshop on how to do this tactfully,

but these appointments are only eight minutes long so...

- Is the father around? - No.

Do you know who the father is?

Erm... Pass?

Do you want to continue with this pregnancy, Gemma?

You should probably give it some thought.

Having a baby - or not - isn't something you should do on your own.

I've booked you in with the midwife.

Is there someone who can go along with you? Mother? Sister? Friend?

Not really, no.

My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings,

my sister's on remand and my flatmate just moved out,

so my life's a mess right now.

Still...

Every cloud?

God, do you not find it a bit depressing?

Eh? No! No.

I'm quite enjoying my independence actually.

I'm living my best life, Gemma.

Well, you know, the best life anyone can live sharing a bog

with five other fellas.

THUMP

Oh!

Oh, bollocks.

That keeps happ... Oh, shit...

Oh, Jesus, Dad, I really need to eat something.

Yeah, just hang on. Hang on.

Ah!

Ow!

SHE RETCHES

Can I have this doughnut?

Eh?

Yeah...

I mean...

I mean, I was saving it, but, you know.

Oh, thanks, Gem. It's just that...

I just haven't had the chance to get down the garage, you know.

Wait, you do your food shop at the garage?

- Yeah. - Why not the supermarket?

Because your mother gave back the family car

and real men don't use taxis.

Would you like a lift one night after work?

- Oh, would you, love? - Yeah.

- I'm starving. - Yeah.

Here, look. Oh, you were going to tell me something.

- Doesn't matter. - OK.

VIDEO CALL RINGS

- Gemma, love! - Hi, Mum.

Has your father died?

No! Why?

Well, last time I saw him he looked as if...

I wondered if he'd got something they haven't found yet.

- He looks like he'd have a lump somewhere. - Mum!

No, I'm not wishing this upon him, he just looks ill.

Is everything else OK? Is Catherine OK?

Still in prison.

But she hasn't been shanked or anything, has she?

What is your obsession with people being dead?

It's 3am, love.

If someone hasn't died, it's a bit rude calling at this time.

- Where are you? - Montreal.

I thought you were in Paris.

Yeah, well, they speak French here, too.

- Should I go? - Yes!

Well, it's just that...

Stop looking so nervous, Gemma.

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

- Friends? - Yeah.

I've, err, got her initials tattooed on my thigh.

Wasn't strictly my choice but...

..you know...

So how is Dad?

He's a mess.

Well, Mum is ruthless.

Yeah.

She is.

See where you get it from.

- Did Gary hurt you? - What? No!

No, he really loves me.

So why did you pay someone to push him off the fire escape?

I have three members of staff,

all of whom have special educational needs.

- No, they don't. - You've met 'em.

They seem to have special educational needs.

No-one else was going to employ 'em.

Look, cashing in on Gary's life insurance was the easiest way

to keep the sandwich shop solvent.

It was a legitimate business decision.

I don't remember Deborah Meaden ever trying to have someone murdered.

Anyway, Gary's fine now, so I don't really see what the problem is.

You honestly don't, do you?

No.

Anyway, I have some news of my own actually.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- I'm... - Oi. - No standing.

- No way! - Right, nobody move!

ALARM RINGS

Fuck's sake, Gemma.

I wasn't, "rubbing a stash of yummy heroin."

- I'm having a baby. - Congratulations.

I'm still going to need to see your arsehole, love.

Don't worry, a bum search is nothing compared to giving birth.

In fact, this is good preparation

for all those midwives looking up your foof.

- A little bit of life learning... - ..on me.

BABIES BABBLE

What can I get ya?

Oh, err, flat white - decaf. Thanks.

That'll be 2.50.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck, I've lost my card.

Of course I have, cos it's me.

I expect my car'll get nicked or my kidneys'll fail next.

- Fuck. - What can I get ya?

No, no, no. I'll, err, I'll get hers.

Thanks.

No worries.

I hope the other stuff doesn't happen.

I'm not sure I can stretch to a car.

Or a kidney.

HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY

Oh, great spread, Malc.

Yeah. Here you go.

So, erm, look, I just...

I just... I just wanted to bring up the, erm...

..the bathroom.

GAME ON PHONE

What the fuck is wrong with the bathroom?

Er, nothing. No, I just thought...

I thought we could maybe, erm...

..you know, clean it?

I mean, not all the time, obviously just, erm...

Maybe just once?

That bathroom is a shrine to us

having broken free of the shackles of women.

- It's art, Malcolm. - Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, I get that, I do. It's just...

It's just that, err, you know, not everything goes into the bowl

all the time and nobody cleans it up, you know.

Are you saying you don't misfire sometimes?

Well, wee, yeah.

But you know "not wee"...

I stood in some the other day, I had to soak me foot in Dettol.

I can't expose it to direct sunlight now.

HE SCOFFS

Poor pathetic Malcolm.

The foot vampire.

THEY LAUGH ALTERNATELY

I'm not a foot vampire.

Foot vampire! Foot... Chant, Andy!

Foot vampire! Foot vampire!

- Foot vampire! Foot vampire! - I'm not...

Foot vampire! Foot vampire! Foot vampire!

Foot vampire! Foot vampire! Foot vampire! Foot...

All right, I'm a foot vampire, eh?

- Argh! - Foot vampire! Foot vampire!

Argh!

That's just fucking weird, Malcolm.

Sorry.

So that's the flat. The room's available immediately.

And did Baris, the landlord, tell you that bills aren't included?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you mind if I write my name on my food items?

See, I've been stung in the past.

Lost a lot of money not writing my name on food.

- Sure. - And I like to often wear gloves.

Because of viruses...

..and other reasons.

- So, Russell... - Yeah.

Do you recognise me?

Yeah, I did... I did the voiceover for Single Pringle Mingle.

The Welsh dating show. With crisps?

No.

Sorry, I thought you were a...

Stand-up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah.

Ooh-eh.

It's nice.

I like it.

Thanks. How come you're looking for somewhere now,

if you don't mind me asking?

I just got out of prison.

Don't worry, I didn't do anything terrible.

I was in the Baader-Meinhof.

No?

No-one remembers.

What a waste of a life.

If I were to uncover the secret government paedophile ring,

you'd be cool with me using this as a base for meetings?

Is there a lock on your bedroom door?

- What? - No, I'm just... I'm just asking.

I'm just asking. Yeah, I'm a feminist. So...

Yeah.

Nice.

Nice curtains.

The rent's a bit high.

Baris sets the rent.

If I pleasure you once a week, could you knock 20 quid off?

No?

£10?

Wow.

So, err, what happens if you don't get a flatmate?

Well, then, I'll have to pay all the rent myself,

which I can't afford.

Hey, Gemma.

This is like the longest you and I have spent together for ages,

isn't it?

What, 43 minutes, including the drive?

Yeah.

You never came out to tea with us. We always asked.

I know. Sorry.

Just, they put garlic in everything, don't they?

- They? - Well, they/them.

You know, the people who make the food when you go out.

They put garlic in everything.

Hey.

I should get some jacket potatoes.

Your mum used to hate them.

Dad, how many do you want?

No. They're normal potatoes, aren't they? I need jacket potatoes.

What do you think jacket potatoes are?

Well, they're special potatoes, aren't they?

They're like, err, they're covered in, like, leather.

Well, not leather. But, you know, something.

Covered in something because they're called...

..jacket, aren't they?

No.

They're just normal big potatoes cooked in the oven and/or microwave.

Jesus fucking Christ!

- Are you all right, love? - No.

I'm not all right, Dad. I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant and I'm about to be homeless

and I don't know who the father is and I don't have any women in

my life to support me

and I don't want my baby growing up to be the kind of moron

who thinks jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather!

I'm going to be a grandad!

Oh, Gem.

Come here. Come here.

Oh...

Look, I know...

I know your mum and your sister aren't here, but you've got me.

Eh?

Come here.

It's all right.

I'm going to be a grandad.

These are happy tears!

- They are not happy tears. - Oh...

Oh, Gem.

Hey, this is exciting, isn't it? Are you excited?

Eh, us living together!

Thrilled.

Yeah, love.

I really want to support you, you know,

at this important time in your life.

I got you something, from the garage.

Look.

Woohoo.

It's not for you. You know, it's for the...

..erm, thing.

Hey, you might as well leave that open, you know,

because Derek's coming with me duvet.

Oh, thanks, mate.

You're welcome, king.

Heard you're up the stick.

Lucky escape.

Who for? You or me?

DEREK CHUCKLES BITTERLY

I'm trying really hard to enjoy the company of women.

You look lovely.

- Fancy a brew? - Yeah.

Good. Eh? Get the kettle on.

MOVIE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS

TV STOPS

RoboCop.

Best film ever made.

I've seen it 15, 20 times.

And yet you still stayed and watched it again.

I wanted to see if Malcolm liked it.

- Best film ever made. - See!

And that bit where they turn the guy into the toxic sludge monster!

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, baby.

They never used to show that bit on the telly. Yeah.

First time I watched RoboCop on DVD I was like...

"Oh, ja!

"Oh, what the fuck is this? Oh, ja, this is amazing!"

- Right, Malcolm? - Yeah, amazing.

STOMACH GURGLES

Oh, God.

Anyway, speaking of toxic sludge...

Oh, God.

Don't worry, I'll go in after, make sure everything's all right.

What if everything isn't all right, Dad?

It will be.

Oh, hey. Might be a good idea to get some Dettol.