Original subtitles

##[Bells Ringing]

## [Bells Continue Ringing]

They don't look very happy.

Why should they? They just got married.

- Bye! - Bye!

- I do hope you'll enjoy your trip, Mr. Wallace. - Thank you.

- And your wife, of course. - Thanks a lot.

Well, I suppose we've got Maurice to thank for this.

- Hmm. - What are you doing?

Just trying to discover where the strings are attached.

Hope you have a nice trip, Mr. Wallace.

- And my wife? - Hmm.

You're entirely too suspicious about Maurice. What harm did he ever do us?

- He hounds us. - He hounds us?

- He hounds us. - Nonsense.

Mr. Maurice Dalbret for you, Mr. Wallace.

- From St. Tropez. - He hounds us.

- Maurice? - [Man On Phone, Indistinct]

Yeah.

I told you.

Of course we could have flown direct...

but we wanted to have a few days on our own.

- [Woman On Phone, Indistinct] - May I have London, please.

Joanna and me.

My wife. Yeah.

It's too late to change. Anyway, I want the car down there.

Yes, my darling. Of course I will.

Of course I won't.

Nothing's gonna fall down.

Look, we have to fly.

And you'll take care of Granny? And Nanny too? Take care of everyone.

But that makes nonsense of the whole spatial concept.

Spatial concept.

It messes up the whole lousy design.

I'll see you in three days.

[Sighs] Who is it now?

- Caroline. - Caroline?

Caroline Wallace, your daughter.

Oh, Caroline.

Hello. How's my little girl, huh?

Cigarettes?

Cigarettes?

Did you bring your passport?

Look, I'm sorry. We'll ha— We'll have to turn back.

I've left my passport. We'll have to turn back.

I'm sorry, sir. Are you sure?

Yes. I've got to go to a most important conference, and I don't want to run—

Mark Wallace, 33 years old. Occupation: Architect.

- [Sighs] - Now how about getting me some cigarettes?

- Thank you. - It's just that Maurice—

Has managed to persuade you that it's imperative that we get to St. Tropez by yesterday.

Why do you always get taken in?

Look, baby, that's how it is, 'kay?

Do you want me not to work? Is that what you want?

Just wish that you'd stop sniping.

I haven't said a word.

Just because you use a silencer doesn't mean you're not a sniper.

- [Imitates Gunshot] - [Sighs]

We're not going on like this for the rest of our lives.

[Joanna] You haven't been happy since the day we met, have you?

If only you were 10 years younger and you knew what you know now.

You can say that again.

[Ship's Whistle Blowing]

[Laughing]

[Whistle Blowing]

I wonder if anybody's picked up the wrong passport.

Um, excuse me. Do you mind? I'm looking for a passport.

- Look in your bag, sir. - I know it's not in my bag.

- Somebody must have taken it. - I doubt that, sir.

Do you know what a passport's worth on the black market?

A Britannic Majestic passport on the black market in Naples? A hundred pounds at least.

- Well, this is France. - I've not got the latest figures for France.

I can see myself stuck on this boat for the rest of my life going backwards and forwards.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

That's nice. You leave something for two seconds and—

[Whistle Blowing]

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Ahhh.

Where is— Hmm.

[Joanna] There was a time when you were really quite glad...

to be married to me, early on.

Remember the first trip we made together...

when we had wheels of our own?

- [Horn Honking] - The old MG.

Which birthday of mine was it you gave yourself that?

Was it our anniversary?

Anyway, we werejust going to drive and drive and see where we got to.

A couple ofkids with not a care in the world.

Hold your breath. We've got a long way to go.

[Engine Starts]

[Tires Screeching]

[Engine Cranking]

[Engine Starts]

[Tires Screeching]

[Engine Cranking]

[Engine Continues Cranking]

What we need is a small push.

[Man Shouting, Indistinct]

Come on.

Come on. Let's go.

[Grunting]

That's it. Very good.

Faster. Faster!

Come on. Faster.

- [Engine Starts] - Hey!

- Remember me—Joanna? - Shh.

- What's the matter? - Hear that? It's a "donk."

- [Engine Twanging] - A donk? What kind of a donk?

A medium-sized, slightly unhealthy donk.

- [Twanging Continues] - A donk.

[Joanna] When did it all start to go wrong?

Was it in the MG? Our first bust up?

[Mark] I thought we were quite happy in the MG.

[Joanna] I thought we were quite happy in the MG.

It's what I call real independence. Don't you?

- [Engine Twanging] - I can still hear that damn donk.

- Hear it? Donk, donk. - [Twanging Continues]

- It's in the engine! - Right.

Do you realize this is the first afternoon I've spent in natural light in over a year?

By the time I get home from work, it's pitch black.

Originally you said you liked basements.

Originally I liked basements.

I think we were damn lucky to get the place, frankly.

Look, I think we were damn lucky to get the place, frankly.

I think one day we'll be damn lucky to get out of it, frankly.

If you want to live in one half of a suburban shoe box like your parents...

you married the wrong man.

I don't want to live in one half of a suburban shoe box...

and I married the wrong man.

Do you want a divorce?

Why do we keep on with this farce?

- Is it bloody worth it? Is it? - No, it isn't.

It was your idea. You wanted it.

And I got it.

Yes, it is worth it sometimes.

Only not now.

I don't know what you ever really saw in me in the first place.

I can't really remember.

You had hair in those days, of course.

[Mark] I don't think we had any kind of real—

you know, in the MG—bust up.

Look, if you really want big houses, fast cars...

- hot and cold running servants— - Who wants that?

I know what you want. You want big houses, fast cars—

You're right. There is a donk.

There is? I thought there was.

Mm, right there. Donk, donk, donk.

There's something loose, without a question.

If there is, you loosened it.

- [Gears Grinding] - Joanna, try and keep out of the lower gears.

You try keeping out of the lower gears.

- Joanna! - Go on.

- [Joanna Screaming] - You're mad!

You're out of your mind! Listen! Let me get this—

- [Sighs] - See? No donk if you're careful.

[Twanging Continues, Engine Sputtering]

Oh!

Oh, shut up.

I hate this! I can't see a— Oh!

I've got oil in my eye now! I could quite happily—

How is it down there?

Pitch black.

This exhaust pipe is so rusty, I could— If I could just see!

Difficult doing things in the dark, isn't it?

We cannot afford a new flat.

On our present budget, we can't even afford a new exhaust pipe.

You really ought to try avoiding the lower gears, you know.

Why don't you put a very British sock in it?

Why don't you put a hard-boiled egg in it?

[Mutters]

[Grunts] That fixed it!

You mean that's fixed it? Or that's fixed it?

Ask me in an hour's time.

[Joanna] You shouldn't have bought an MG You should've bought a tractor.

I'll never forget you sitting in the back of that chauffeur-driven tractor.

I'd never even spoken to you, and I thought you looked insufferable.

The girls were putty about you. And so, heaven knows, were you.

[Squealing]

- [All Groaning] - What are we going to do?

We'll never get there in time.

- [All Talking At Once] - Help us, please.

Hey!

- [Laughing] - [Chattering Continues]

# Oh, lovely me-a #

Hey!

## [Women Harmonizing]

## [Harmonizing Continues]

- [Laughing] - You're improving, Pat.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing! Oh, everything!

I don't think travel agrees with me.

- I hope it isn't measles. - I've had measles, clever!

It must be something else.

- [Chickens Clucking] - Oh, no!

Chicken pox. No question.

That's messed everything up but completely.

Messed what up completely? I mean, what do you want exactly?

We're supposed to be going on holiday together...

then on to the music festival at Menton.

Middle of the month. What we'll do now, I don't know.

Golly, nor do I.

Oh, no!

And then there were four.

Only one thing to do, I suppose...

let's see who's left in the morning.

Good plan.

- Well, well, well! - How are you this morning?

I'm very well. How are you?

- Very well indeed. - Ah.

And, uh, the others?

I'm afraid it's been a night full of casualties.

[Laughing]

I am sorry. Ah.

I think we should leave them and the minibus and press on.

- Does that appeal to you? - How can you be so callous? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

- When do we leave? - Whenever you're ready.

Joanna! I thought you'd gone to the doctor's.

- I drove the others. Nothing wrong with me. - Are you positive?

- Mmm. - That feeling can be very deceptive.

- Right. - I've had chicken pox when I was 12.

We're not taking the bus. We're leaving that for the others, when they're better.

- We thought we'd hitchhike. - I love hitchhiking.

- I won't be in the way, will I? - Whatever gave you that idea?

Where do you think we'll get to by tonight?

There?

- Hmm. - There.

Oh, we can do better than that, can't we, Jacqueline?

Can we, Jacqueline?

Jackie?

[Imitating Chicken]

- [Imitates Gunshot] - [Sheep Bleating]

- [Imitates Gunshot] - [Sheep Bleating]

- Lambs. - I guessed.

Well, aren't they sweet?

- It's a shame aboutJackie, isn't it? - Isn't it?

I suppose you'd have preferred if I'd been the one who got the chicken pox?

Look, you don't have to stay with me, you know.

[Imitating Humphrey Bogart] Listen, sweetheart, let's get this straight.

I have absolutely no intention of staying with you.

I don't know what your plans are, but I have a schedule.

I am not, whatever you may be, on holiday.

- I understand. - I'm here strictly for the buildings.

Anything else is entirely by the way.

I haven't a minute to waste. My time is organized.

You're on a schedule.

But a tight schedule.

Mark, did you remember to pick up your passport this morning?

Mark! Mark!

If there's one thing I really despise, it's an indispensable woman.

[Mark] Nobody knows the names of the men who made it.

To make something as exquisite as this...

without wanting to smash your stupid name all over it.

Would you want to?

All you hear about nowadays is people making names, not things.

Uh—

- Oh, sorry. Did you want me to take your picture? - No, no, no.

This is really a three-dimensional camera.

It's really meant for photographing three-dimensional subjects.

I'm three-dimensional, as a matter of fact.

It's basically for buildings.

Well, I'm not a building.

[Chattering]

[Man] There we are.

We won't have to waste a minute stopping for lunch.

The trouble with women is they try to label you...

put you in a pigeonhole.

What they don't realize is...

the only thing that really fits in a pigeonhole is a pigeon.

Marriage is all they ever think about.

I've got no intention of getting married for at least 40 years.

Not that I have anything against sex. It's contracts I don't go for.

Promises oflong service and good conduct—Are you a virgin?

- Thought you were. I can always tell. - Congratulations.

I was two years at the University of Chicago.

- Studying virgin detection? - Only at night school.

Architecture during the day. I always thought American women would be different.

I thought in America they'd broken through the inhibitions barrier...

and it was all one long sex feast.

- No? - But no. But no.

Your nicely brought up American girl may play it cool and modern...

but what she wants is what her grandmother wanted.

Your head stuffed and mounted on the living room wall.

And if you don't want it that way, you can take your loving self elsewhere.

Speaking quite generally, of course.

Of course. Who was she?

[Chuckles] What do you mean?

Her name was Cathy Seligman, if you must know.

She was selfish, grasping, Philistine...

materialistic, stubborn, opinionated.

I was crazy about her.

Lucky for you, you'll never meet her.

She's now Mrs. Howard Maxwell Manchester. Cha-cha-cha.

I always knew you two had to meet.

"There's only one drawback," Howard said.

"We'll have to go to Greece." [Laughing]

- Remember saying that, Howard? - Yes, yes.

Drawback! Of course, I absolutely flipped!

[Laughing] Howie, come on.

Naturally the first thing we thought of, landing in Jolly OI'...

was getting in touch with you.

Mind you, I never thought that you newlyweds would want to travel with us ancients.

We don't care who we travel with, frankly.

- Oh, Mark. - Hey, tell me something.

Mommy, do snakes have nipples?

Oh, no they don't, Ruthie. Do they, Howie?

Uh, no, they don't.

Ruthie is hooked on nature.

It's so wonderful you two kids were free to come with us.

I just know that we're all going to be terribly terrific friends.

Of course, Joanna, you know that Mark used to be my favorite beau.

- Second favorite. - [Laughs]

Favorite favorite.

That was before you came on the scenario, Howie.

Of course. Of course.

- Well, why don't they? - Why don't who what?

Snakes have nipples.

Because they lay eggs.

Cathy, did you remember to pack the anti-snake serum?

- Mm-hmm. - Good.

Mark, do you remember David Lewinsohn?

- No. David? - It was Woody Lewinsohn.

He's become a very fine physician in New York City.

- Oh, I remember. - And he gave Howard a course in how to treat snakebites—

how to inject the serum subcutaneously and all that.

- We've invested over 50 dollars in— - Sixty.

Sixty dollars in anti-snake equipment.

Well, I sure hope somebody gets bitten by a snake. [Chuckles]

[Tires Screeching]

Well, that's my hundred exactly.

Now let me see.

Mark, it's you to drive.

So we change places, and that's all there is to it.

I'm hungry!

I think Howard's wonderful the way he organizes everything.

He's not an efficiency consultant for nothing. Are you, sweetness?

If he were, he wouldn't be married to you, honey.

- [Growls] - I'm hungry!

Hand me that guidebook, sugar.

Thanks.

I want to eat something now!

If you want to ruin your lunch, Ruthiebelle, you can.

We believe in leaving things to Ruthie's own free decision.

Does that key make the car go?

Sort of.

Ruthie! That hurt Mommy!

Howard, did you see what she did? She pinched me!

Yes, well, she probably thinks you're excluding her, honey bunch. She needs reassuring.

If she does it again, I'm gonna need hospitalization.

- Yes, well, we're covered. - [Ruthie Screaming]

Have you ever been in analysis?

No.

It can be very worthwhile.

Shall I tell you a story, Ruthie?

Oh, Joanna, thank you.

- There we are, love. There we are. - Come on, Ruthie.

[Sighs] Well, well, well. Quite like old times, Mr. Wallace.

[Rooster Crowing]

I see what you mean about rearranging the luggage, Marcus.

Thought you might, Howie.

Wow, that's a real sun.

[Drawling] Well, we're gettin' way down south, honey.

Mommy, I'm hungry! I want to eat something now!

I don't want anything to eat.

I think maybe she's gonna be a little late fixating.

[Chuckles] She felt we hurried her. Why don't we all relax, hmm?

Oh, Marcus, I've been meaning to say about expenses—

I think I've come up with a formula.

- Ruthie. - [Dishes Clattering]

If you're agreeable, we'll call Ruthie a half...

in which event we can most efficaciously divide everything into nine parts...

and split them in the ratio of five to four.

Yes, well, I think that's the final breakdown on this morning's expenses.

- Mark, if you'd care to check it. - I believe you.

Well, shall we go?

Mm-hmm.

You don't like my house, do you?

It's very handsome. Split-level.

Market at 25,000. I like it a lot.

It's beautiful, Ruthiebelle. Come on, sweetheart.

- I want to take my house with me! - She's feeling insecure. Only natural.

- Come on, sweetness. - I want to take my house with me!

I want it!

Ruthie, this time I have to say no.

And I mean no. Now no!

It's very reassuring at times to retain a certain flexibility of attitude.

Howard has a tremendously mature quality, Marcus.

That's what I love about him. He has quiet assurance.

Don't you think he has quiet assurance?

- Very quiet assurance. - He's the husband type.

You were always the lover type. I guess basically you still are.

I've been married toJoanna for nearly two years.

But your relationship is basically volatile. Anyone can see that.

Joanna, I don't want you to feel badly about what happened just now.

- Oh, it doesn't really matter. - I think it does matter, Joanna.

You resent Ruthie, don't you?

- Oh, a little spilt wine. - You misunderstand me.

You resent her because she represents the child you want to have.

Ow!

All right, we are 17 minutes behind schedule.

Uh, Marcus, you have 53 kilometers still to go.

- Okay? - It's hot!

Oh, sweetheart, I hate to say it...

but we should have left the car under the sun shelter, Howie.

I know, sugar bush. Let's move it, Marcus, eh?

- Mommy? - What is it, candy face?

I'm hungry!

[Horn Honking]

Very funny, isn't he? But I happen to have a schedule.

The trouble is there's two of us. That's the basis of the whole trouble.

If I ever have a car, I swear I'll never pass a single hitchhiker as long as I live.

Must we dice with death?

[Tires Screeching]

Since when has this car got only two speeds— 110 and stop?

I'll tell you what. You drive.

- I'll tell you what. I'll walk. - Okay, walk!

Come on, Jo. Don't be silly.

You'd be far better off on your own, wouldn't you?

Oh, not again. Joanna!

You want to get on. I know. Maurice is waiting.

- Let him wait. - He's got you on a line.

- Let him wait. - He's got you on a line.

All he has to do is start reeling you in—

Will you shut up about Maurice! If it weren't for Maurice, you know where we'd be?

- Happy! - Broke.

- Broke and happy! - You want to go back to living in a cellar?

- You hated it! - I loved it.

- You hated it. - I hated it.

I hate being at other people's beck and call.

As soon as someone becks or calls, I just resent it. That's all.

Okay, you run the show. You handle it.

You worry about the house and the flat and Nanny and Mrs. Rathbone.

- I don't want any of them! - Do I?

Am I the one that wants enamel sports watches?

Take your watch. I don't want it. I don't want anything.

Why is it whenever you give a woman everything she wants, she gets so bloody minded?

You don't give me everything I want. You give me everything you want to give me.

Joanna, your watch.

Joanna, I love you!

Come on. Maurice is waiting.

Bitch.

[Imitating Humphrey Bogart] Listen, sweetheart. We're not gonna make it together, see.

We don't get the breaks. So this is the kiss-off.

You take the high road. I'll take the low road.

We'll see who gets in where before who, 'kay?

If we meet again, great. If not, happy holidays.

No hard feelings, but, uh—

- You have a schedule. - Right.

[Laughing]

What happened to your slick friend in the Alfa Romeo?

I told him I was in love with you, so he put me down.

I warn you.

Don't.

[Truck Horn Honking]

[Sheep Bleating]

What would you say to a cup of coffee?

[Bleats]

Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?

[Man] Mais oui, monsieur.

What kind of people just sit like that without a word to say to each other?

Married people?

This is definitely against my principles.

Good. I wouldn't like to think it happened all the time.

I had absolutely no intention of sleeping in hotels.

You didn't?

Hell, no. What do you think I brought a sleeping sack for?

I hadn't seriously thought about it.

Who are you?

Some girl.

- [Yawning] - Sleep well?

I think that room was over the plate-smashing annex.

My days for roughing it are over.

Next time why don't you get Maurice to reserve us a room, if you can't remember yourself.

Preferably with a carpet... and something else in the hot tap besides—

[Sputtering]

All right, now when we're ready...

it's, uh, Joanna in the hot seat...

and Catherine the Great, the codriver, okay?

We've still got three weeks to go, so you may as well make the best of it.

Believe it or not, I am making the best of it.

- You wanted to come. - Okay?

Mommy, I don't wantJoanna to look at me.

Oh, Ruthie, don't be so silly.

Joanna, may I say something?

This may sound absolutely ridiculous to you.

I know that you love Ruthie, but she doesn't seem to realize it.

I don't think you're getting through to her.

She's gotten the idea that you're hostile to her.

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you woo her a little bit?

Woo her?

That's right. Woo her a little bit.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Ruthie, honey, come on.

[Engine Starts]

It has running hot and cold, bath...

free garage, telephone...

and transistor radios are not allowed in the dining room.

Well, sounds minimal, but I'll buy it.

I don't want to go to a hotel!

- Oh! - Our little home for the night, sweetness.

- Of course you do. - I don't! I don't!

##[Radio: Lounge]

##[Music Stops]

Uh, Ruthie, may I have the keys back now, please?

[Ruthie] No!

All right. We'll just have to stay here all night.

Is that what you want?

[Ruthie] Yes!

- With nothing to eat? - I'm not hungry.

- She had a little snack— - Cathy, please.

Ruthie, give me that key!

Don't you have a spare?

If I used the spare, we don't have a spare.

Mommy, I'm so tired.

Do you still want a child?

I still want a child. I just don't want that child.

We agreed before we were married...

we weren't gonna have any children.

And before we were married, we didn't.

Ha, ha.

[Chuckles]

Ruthie, you know, that was kind of a funny thing you did with the key.

Fast thinking.

- Did you see where it landed? - Yes.

Good girl. Where?

I'm not going to tell you.

Tell your daddy at once!

There.

- [Sighs] - I wooed her.

Your time's up, buddy.

[Mark Groans]

[Yawning]

Breakfast is served.

- That's a good cup of tea. - It's coffee!

- I knew it was a good cup of something. - [Bleating]

[Mark] Okay, start her up.

[Engine Starts]

Let's go!

- [Engine Sputtering] - Plenty of revs.

[Engine Stalls]

- We stalled. - You stalled.

- You drive. - No, no.

I don't want to drive.

[Engine Starts]

[Gears Grinding]

[Engine Sputtering]

[Engine Stalls]

You stalled.

[Engine Starts]

[Engine Revving]

Done it.

[Metal Clanking]

[Yells]

That should hold it for a while.

Someone's havin' a bonfire.

Mm, I love bonfires.

One day we'll have a big, big garden and grow lots of bonfires.

Wood smoke is the smell I like best.

Hickory, for instance. You ever smell hickory smoke?

- Never. - I'll have to take you to the States.

- Yeah. - Alternatively, I could get Cathy to send us a few cans.

- They really can it now. - She could bring it on her next trip.

Don't tell me I detect a note of welcome.

Well, you can't expect her not to want to come and see your little baby.

No. Hey, you're not?

[Laughing]

And this, I suppose, is my little holiday surprise.

I don't really suppose it was much of a surprise.

Well! Yeah, you really have to have everything you want, don't you?

[Growling] Aren't we supposed to celebrate? What we got to drink?

Here we are.

[Horn Honking, People Shouting]

- We're getting further south, all right. - [Horn Honking]

- It's certainly getting warmer. - Right.

[Horn Honking, People Shouting]

- Why don't they overtake if they're going to overtake? - [Shouting Continues]

Mark, fire!

- Where? - Here! Us! We're on fire!

Ooh. Oh.

I can't see.

Oh. Ooh.

Ohh.

- Ohh. Mmm. - Water!

[Screams] But where?

- Find some! - Oh, here. Yes, here.

- Oh, it likes water! - Stand back.

- What are you going to do? - I'm going to stand back. Do you think I'm crazy?

- I have telephoned the pumpers! - The fire brigade.

[People Chattering]

[Chattering Continues]

Passeport, s'il vous plait, monsieur.

[Chattering Continues]

[Horn Honks]

[Horn Honking]

[Horn Honking]

For heaven's sake, park the car in the shade this time, Howie.

I don't want to come out after lunch to a red-hot car again.

What does "Reservé à la direction" mean?

- Reserved for the management. - Well, hell, we're the customers.

- Daddy? - Hmm?

Why do you think Red China's a bitch?

We can't stay here, Howie.

I meant that Red China was a very difficult problem.

All right, Cathy. I'm moving. I'm moving.

Over there, Howie, is perfect.

I saw them.

Daddy?

- Yes, Ruthie? - Did you do that on purpose?

No, Ruthie, I didn't. No, I did not.

No, Ruthie. No.

[Laughing] Do you love me?

Now she asks!

Do you?

Confessions extracted under torture don't count.

- Do you! - Yes!

Okay. [Laughing]

You're gonna get us thrown out of here.

Actually, it's not a bad idea.

It's gonna ruin us anyway.

Mm, this is heaven. I could eat a horse.

You may have to. I hate to tell you this, but we've just gone on a diet.

- But we haven't had any lunch! - Baby, I'm not kidding.

At these prices, we can't afford to eat here.

- [Groaning] - No!

- I'm starving! - You'll just have to practice a little self-restraint.

[Sighs]

I am not hungry.

You are not hungry.

We are not hungry. L—

I am hungry. You are not hungry.

Women in advanced state of pregnancy should be very careful about overeating.

Advanced? I've got eight months to go.

There must be some food shop in that village.

I'm too worried about you to dream of eating anything myself.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll slip down to the chemist and get you some— Guess.

Hamburgers?

Pills! That's right.

- Pills! - Hamburger pills.

Large hamburger pills.

Don't let them see you bringing it in.

- What about food? - What about food?

We have to eat. Let's go to the Domaine St. Juste. Why not?

I'm not dressed.

Baby, the last time we went there I was dressed in soot, and you were wearing a blanket.

I can change, if you want me to.

Change. I want you to.

[Tires Skidding]

I'm still not done up.

- Bonsoir, madame. - Bonsoir, monsieur.

Bonsoir, madame.

Bon appétit.

Merci, madame.

[Groaning]

[Clears Throat]

[Imitating Humphrey Bogart] The lousy cops plugged me, sweetheart.

[Excited Gasping]

[Both Laughing]

Pills! Hamburger pills! [Laughing]

##[Classical]

What sort of people sit in a restaurant and don't even try to talk to each other?

Married people.

You're the only woman I know who's prepared to share her bed with a sardine.

I don't care what kind of a sardine you are. I like you.

Mm.

- Will you hate me when I'm bow-fronted? - Undoubtedly.

- And will you be unfaithful to me? - Blatantly.

- No! - You promised I could.

You promised you wouldn't, when we got married.

Would you mind undoing what you did?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Aren't you coming to bed at all?

- Tired? - No.

- I won't be long. - Shall I call your secretary and make an appointment?

When did you start being as snide as this?

Right after we got married, didn't I?

Did we get married?

Yeah. Remember?

When sex stopped being fun.

Oh, yeah, and started being official.

Yeah, I remember.

[Clears Throat]

I think that lovely little lake breeds lovely little mosquitoes.

- I'll close the window. - We'll suffocate.

[Both Sighing]

[Mosquito Buzzing]

[Mosquitoes Buzzing]

- Wejust have to pretend they don't exist. - All right.

- Good night. - Good night, little mother.

[Kissing]

- Mark? - Hmm?

- They do exist. - No, they don't.

- [Buzzing Continues] - Oh! They do.

- Mm. I have an idea. - Hmm?

- [Mark, Yawning] Sleep well? - [Joanna] Very well.

- I had a dreamy dream. - [Yawns] Tell me the worst.

I dreamt you built us the most beautiful little Wallace-designed house.

- Uh-huh. - And I built us the most beautiful little triplets.

All we need right now is a population explosion.

[Knocking]

Entrez.

Oh, you did not need the mosquito net?

We managed without.

- No breakfast? - [Muttering]

Religious reasons.

- [Door Closes] - We've gotta get out of this place.

This self-denial's killing me.

I'm sorry you were not able to sample our restaurant last night.

Oh, so are we. It was religious reasons.

Particularly when we have to charge you an all-inclusive price.

- As you see. - Beg your pardon?

High season, our price includes dinner and breakfast always.

- Always. - [Groans]

Thank you. I think the inspector is waiting for you outside, monsieur.

- Inspector? - Concerning the expenses for the pumpers and such like.

- Ah. Ah. - We will see you again, I hope.

- Ah. - Ah, merci.

What's French for "I don't believe a word you're saying and you're not gonna get a penny"?

- Oui, monsieur. - Oui, monsieur.

- Plus trente mille francs. - Oui, monsieur.

Et cinq mille plus deux mille cinq cents plus deux mille cinq cents.

Plus deux mille cinq cents. C'est tout.

- C'est tout? - C'est tout.

Um, et mille francs taxe.

- Tax? - Taxe.

- Tax on what? - Quelle taxe, Monsieur I'Inspecteur?

Taxe sur quarante deux mille cinq cents francs, madame.

- Mille francs? - Mille francs.

Mais pourquoi mille francs sur quarante deux mille cinq cents?

- Mille taxe. - Mais pourquoi mille francs?

- Mille francs de taxe, madame! - This is literally highway robbery.

I mean, this is literally highway robbery!

- Don't lose your temper. - I'm not losing my temper!

Et mille francs pour le service.

Dispose of the wreck.

- Nous le feron levez— - Dans la mettre ou?

- Where? - Oh, quelque place or autre—

Come on, Jo.

[Horn Honking]

- [Stammers] - All right! Think I'm deaf? I can hear you!

Oh, look! [Screaming]

[Yelling In French]

Well, we disposed of it.

[Laughs]

[Speaking French]

This is the life.

He let me down, I must tell you, quite disgracefully...

so I'm looking for an architect.

My husband's an architect.

[Laughs]

So, you put up buildings as well as knocking them down.

- Corporation bus— - Oh, he doesn't have a minute to spare.

Eh, what about now?

He has a minute to spare.

Ah, good, good, good, good. We must talk, huh?

No, I must tell you, I'm in a corner.

[Horn Honks]

- Communists! - Are you all right, honey?

Oh, yes.

Hey, Chantilly. Isn't that in the guidebook?

- It could just be. - Do let's stop.

I don't want Ruthie to be late for her lunch today.

Oh, yes. Well, it's off the main road.

Howie, I may as well warn you before we get to Greece...

that the Acropolis is off the main road.

Okay. Okay. This is a democratic trip.

Really great to dawdle through an old place like that, huh?

Joanna, I have to thank you.

I thought you didn't like Joanna, Daddy.

- [Chuckles] - Oh, Ruthie.

Of course I likeJoanna.

Well, then why did Mommy say she was a suburban English nobody?

Uh, I think it may be very important...

to the future of our quadripartite relationship...

uh, to get that particular remark into very clear context.

I think it might be best for the future of our quadripartite relationship...

if we accepted the fact, here and now, that it has no future whatsoever.

Mark, please don't be too hasty.

We're through, Howard. We're through.

Hey, those things took a lot of arranging.

Now, you listen to me. Try and imagine how Joanna feels.

I can see how Joanna feels.

She's gonna feel that the whole trip has been loused up because of her.

Howard, you're the most complacent son of a—

- Abuse me if you want to— - I want to.

You're gonna dominate that girl right out of existence.

I'm gonna smash your face in, Howie.

Well, that isn't a very adult attitude, if I may say so.

Marcus, please, that's the phonograph.

Mark, please.

Come on, Joanna darling. Come on, sweetheart.

You haven't thought to askJoanna if she wants to abandon the expedition...

- at this point, now have you? - Come on, baby.

Well, that, if I may say so, is a very revealing usage.

Calling her "baby" at this point shows you're prepared to do her thinking...

and her deciding for her.

Now, I warn you solemnly, Marcus...

you're denying Joanna the right to be her own paradoxical self.

Howard, you're the largest pocket of untapped natural gas known to man.

[Arguing In French]

[Mark Laughs]

They haven't even opened yet.

- What is it about? - Who knows?

What do people have rows about today?

Uh, money, sex.

Sex, money. He wants. She doesn't want.

She wants. He doesn't want.

[Mark] He thinks that the counter's all in the wrong place.

The counter and display cases. Very funny.

Yeah, that's marriage for you.

- That's marriage for them. - Ah, that's marriage, full stop.

[Mark] I'm allowed not to like Howard and Cathy. They're my friends.

You never intended to enjoy the trip. You werejealous of Cathy before we ever set out.

[Joanna] Well, it's not my idea ofbliss to be cooped up in a car...

- with three Maxwell Manchesters. - You promised when we were married...

- you'd always be happy no matter what. - I know.

Why can't you always be happy no matter what?

- Because I can't. - You broke your promise.

I am happy usually.

I love you, if that's any good.

That's not the issue.

Well, if it isn't, it should be... the issue.

- You're right. - I'm right?

You're right. Let's find a hotel.

1:00 in the afternoon? What do we want a hotel for?

- Let's find a hotel. - To hell with the Maxwell Manchesters—

mister, missus and miss.

In future, we travel alone, together or not at all.

[Mark Narrating] My darling Joanna...

so far all goes well.

The car's nearly run in, and my patience nearly run out.

- I miss you like mad. - [Horn Honks]

I drove nearly all night last night.

- Couldn't face one of our hotels without you with me. - [Horn Honking]

I finally slept in the car...

quite near where we buried the poor old burnt-out MG.

I wish to hell I hadn't had to make the trip.

But I suppose, what, with the house and Caroline...

it's just as well that I've got some work.

At least this pays better than corporation bus shelters.

And it's a lot more interesting too. Let's face it.

- I think about you all the time. - [Horn Honks]

It's been a pretty uneventful drive so far.

It's a long, dull road when you're on your own.

- [Horn Honks] - All I care about...

is getting down there and doing whatever has to be done and getting the hell back.

When I'm not being woken at 3:00 in the morning, I feel very paternal...

and I miss you both more than I can say.

- Life's very flat. - [Horn Honks]

I shall probably drive on overnight tonight...

and get down to the site in the morning.

Two or three sessions with the far-famed clients should be more than enough.

It's typical of me that as soon as I get away...

all I want to do is to get back to you again.

I won't write any more at the moment...

because I really do want to get on.

As soon as I have a chance, I'll drop you another line.

Love, love, love, Mark.

- [Horns Honking] - P.S.

The next time we come away, we shall have our own little Ruthiebelle with us.

I don't want any more, Mummy.

- Do you want to finish it? - Uh-uh.

Mm.

Mm. Mmm. Mm-mm-mmm.

[Rolling Thunder]

Boiled egg for supper, Carol?

[Speaking French]

Yeah.

Make sure Carol doesn't fall out of the window...

or eat any chairs or anything, darling, can you?

- Mm. - While I wash out a few things for the morning.

Okay.

- Hey! - Hey. Come on in.

[Grunting]

Come here.

[Giggles]

- [Joanna] Hasn't it come yet? - What?

- Carol's supper. - Uh, no.

Well, couldn't you see what's happening to it?

I thought you were watching Caroline.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I've gotta see his majesty, the client, tomorrow morning.

I thought I'd get this finished.

- I'll go. - I'll go.

Don't bother.

Joanna, I'll go.

[Mark] It's not possible. Where's our egg?

We've been waiting half an hour for an egg. [Speaking French]

- [Speaking French] - [Yells In French]

- I must ask you, monsieur— - I must ask you, monsieur.

You are disturbing the other guests.

I want that egg here in five minutes, or we're leaving.

We're leaving.

- Leaving? - Leaving.

But Caroline's in her pajamas.

Caroline can leave in her pajamas.

They don't want us here? We're not staying here.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to be insulted by a fifth-rate doss-house, and that's it.

I ask you for a boiled egg, and you come back with an eviction order.

I told you we're leaving. Now let's go. Let's go.

[Joanna] He never got home to early tea.

Do it again, Mommy.

The bumblebee, the bumblebee, he flew away from the tulip tree.

He made a mistake and flew into the lake...

and he never got home to early tea.

Daddy, do the duck.

[Quacking]

Thank you.

- [Joanna Sighs] - It was all my fault. I know.

I've been telling Caroline bedtime stories for an hour.

It would be nice if you could avoid fortissimo for a while.

Look, I quit that hotel because they didn't bring you what you wanted.

I didn't want a boiled egg.

I suppose Caroline has nothing to do with you.

You were the one who wanted a child.

Why don't you wake her up and tell her that?

I don't wanna tell her. I'm telling you. I love Caroline.

- You don't know what love is! - Shh!

You don't know what love is.

That's tough on me.

All you can do is take the salute at an endless march past of yourself.

[Laughs]

I have an appetite. Do you?

It wouldn't matter who I was, would it?

I'm willing to call it a day. Do you wanna call it a day?

You never wanted to call it anything else.

You're damn right there.

Oh!

[Sighs] Joanna.

[Mumbling]

We can't even have a fight in peace.

Oh, leave me.

Selfish.

[Gasps]

[Screams, Laughs]

They call it the Mediterranean, my lady.

Mm. Come, it's time for a swim.

I don't understand sex.

Don't worry. It doesn't show.

Seriously, why is it we enjoy it more, and it means less?

Because it isn't personal anymore.

Not personal?

That's right.

[Groans]

"Too late," they cried. "Too late."

[Sighs]

I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I love you.

Find us a big bed.

- Tired? - No.

- Come on. - [Both Laughing]

- End of romantic gesture. - That didn't last very long.

- I believe in short romances. - So do I. Short and happy romances.

- Last one in bed turns the light out. - I'll beat you!

[Giggles]

Worth a try.

Cheat. Cheat.

Cheat. Cheat.

Oh.

[Moans]

You know what I dreamt?

What did you dream?

I dreamt that a train...

drove slap, bang through the middle of our room in the night.

Mr. Freud, what big ears you've got.

Mm, the better to analyze you with, my dear.

[Chuckles] You said it.

Nothing at all to do with sex whatsoever.

But I certainly am not as frustrated.

That's your story. Try and sell it to Freud.

[Train Roars By, Horn Honks]

[Laughs]

[Laughing] Sexy, wasn't it?

Okay, you're not frustrated.

Ahh!

[Laughs, Shrieks]

[Both Sigh]

- Hot. - Scalding already.

We shouldn't get too much sun the first day.

I don't burn. I've got asbestos skin.

- Get in. Come on. - No!

In. In. Get your shirt off.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on! - No!

Get in.

[Laughs]

[Laughs, Sighs]

This must be very near the Garden of Eden.

- Huh. - Mmm.

Do you know what marriage is?

Hmm. You tell me and see if we're thinking of the same thing.

Marriage is when the woman asks the man to take off his pajamas.

And it's because she wants to send them to the laundry.

[Both Laughing]

- Good? - Yeah, very good.

I'm hungry. I'm thirsty.

- You're never satisfied. - What's wrong with being hungry?

It's time you realized that all human appetites are profoundly degrading...

with the exception of lust. [Growls]

[Laughs, Moans]

I wonder if we could just clap our hands and someone would bring us a menu.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just clap our hands...

and make all these people disappear?

- Madame? - [Speaking French]

Just as well, you wouldn't really like it.

What will we do?

Stand very still for several days.

- Maybe it'll go away. - I don't wanna stand very still.

I don't wanna stand still at all.

[Yells] Nor do I.

Come back next week?

Did that hurt?

[Both Moan]

Mmm, Joanna, Joanna, Joanna.

Oh, it's the first time you've said my name as if you really mean it.

Joanna. Joanna. Joanna.

Joanna. I really mean it.

We have a week, Asbestos.

- I'm not Asbestos. - Mm, no.

You're not really gonna rejoin those poxy choir girls, are you?

I promised. We have a week.

- [Inhales] - A week.

Mm.

To hell with it.

It'll only hurt for a minute.

This is the life, eh, darling?

- Your wife is happy? - Oh, yes.

It doesn't take much to make her happy—

a villa, swimming pool, champagne— simple things like that.

You're not angry?

- Angry? - Not to be alone together.

No, we can always be alone together.

Well, I'm waiting now to hear from Palamos about the meeting...

and then I'll show you the whole project.

- Well, if you're interested. - Sure I'm interested.

Perhaps you'll have to stay a few more days. Shall you mind?

I'll suffer. Game.

- Ready? - Uh.

[Whistles]

Come on, darling, give.

[Gulps] Too late.

Come on, sweetheart. We're playing.

Sweetheart, you've been playing for two hours.

Merci. Hello?

Oh, Palamos. I was going to call you. Uh—

Oh, I am calling you? Oh, I see.

Honey, give me the ball.

No!

- Get the ball. - You get it. It's your game.

I've got sneakers on and things.

Very pretty. Did Francoise lend them to you?

- They're a guest pair. Get the ball. - Mm, probably her son's.

- Get the ball. - Or her grandson's.

Will you stop this insane jealousy and get that ball?

[Gasps] There it is.

- [Gasps] No! - Come on!

Put me down. Put me down! Put—

- Will you get the ball? - Certainly not.

[Screams]

Get it!

Mark, we meet Palamos for drinks at 6:00.

We talk about the whole scheme, and then we make a decision.

- Fine. - [Grunts]

[Mark Yells]

Now I've got my shoes wet and everything. I'll probably catch a cold.

Mark, how much longer do we have to stay here?

You were the one who got us into this, sugar.

You were the one who sold me to Maurice, and you were right.

- A chance like this doesn't come up every day. - Thank God.

- Lunch! - Well, I see you at 6:00.

And then I bring the genius with me, huh?

Ciao. Ciao.

Will you please sit down here?

Tonight, we all go to the gala, and everything is fixed. We'll see Palamos there.

I don't have any suitable clothes for a gala.

- Then I borrow you. - There you are. Francoise will borrow you.

Uh, do you mind eating caviar?

Oh, no, no, if we must. [Chuckles]

- Do you like galas? - Some galas.

Oh, please, could you ring the butler?

[Mark] That's the only thing wrong with this part of the world.

You don't get much of a sunset.

## [Waltz]

Joanna, Joanna, Joanna.

How can a week pass so quickly?

We made the mistake of enjoying ourselves.

Don't go tomorrow. Just don't.

Let's not talk about it. Let's not.

All right, we won't. We won't. We won't.

We agreed.

Oh, quel gala.

You were marvelous, darling. Absolutely marvelous.

- I was? - And so funny.

The way you told the story about the sunset.

You charmed the pants off Palamos.

That wouldn't be too difficult to do, would it?

I knew you'd enjoy it once we got there.

I hated it once we got there.

- Why? - Why?

Why? Because I'm tired of being a parasite.

I want to go. I want to be on our own.

We haven't been here very long.

We've been here month after month for two whole days.

Mm, but I'm gonna work for the man.

Well, I'm not. I'm not.

Suits by Maurice.

What shall we call the baby?

Huh? Baby?

Our baby.

Oh, "the baby," I guess. [Chuckles]

- What is it? - I'm trying to imagine you fat.

- What is it? - Trying to imagine you thin.

As I said to the duchess, "If you wanna be a duchess be a duchess.

If you wanna make love, hats off."

[Birds Squawking]

Darling, I'll meet you here, right here, 10 years from now. Is it a deal?

You'll be building skyscrapers 10 miles high by then.

You'll never be able to get down in time.

I'll always think of this place as ours.

Here comes Daddy.

What the hell's the matter with you?

If you think I'm gonna wait for 10 years, and then turn up and say "what ho"—

Nobody wants you to say "what ho."

- Say, "darling"— - Or "darling" or anything else.

- I never want to see you again. - Then don't.

- I hate you! - Joanna, listen.

We both went into this with our eyes open. Nobody deceived anyone else.

So stop playing the ruined virgin.

It's a tune I've heard before, and I didn't like it then.

Anyway, you're the one who's insisting...

on going back to your— your damn choir.

- Joanna, I don't want you to go! - Yes, you do.

You just want me to become a beautiful memory. The sooner the better.

Who said anything about beautiful? Will you come here?

- I never want to see you again. - Not much. Ow!

- As long as I live! - Joanna!

- No! - I've decided we should get married.

- What do you say? - Yes!

- I won't ever let you down. - I will you.

I don't care what you do, just as long as I've got you.

Mm, Joanna Wallace.

Huh. You won't be sorry, sir.

- You will. - Never.

Never, never, never, never.

##[Italian]

David, we're all down here.

Caroline...

I want you to have lunch with Jeanine and Nanny.

Won't that be nice? And afterwards, you all can go for a swim.

David, you are naughty. We were expecting you yesterday.

- I am sorry. - You are very naughty.

Who don't you know, hmm?

Well, this is Nick and Michelle. You know them.

And Mark and Maurice, le comte et la comtesse.

Oh, have you metJoanna?

- Hello. - Joanna Wallace, my brother, David.

- How are you? - Hello.

She's tired and overheated, and she has a headache.

But apart from that, she's fine. Thank you very much.

Mark, I think you're horrible. I think he's horrible.

[Nick] Mark, I have given Michelle an island.

When you have finished here, you must come and build us a nest.

- [Michelle] Cuckoo. Cuckoo. - You'll be lucky, Nicky.

I am lucky. [Laughs]

Oh, Mark, I must tell you. I can't hear myself drink.

Henri!

[Blows Whistle]

## [Volume Louder]

[Sighs]

And they never got home to early tea.

[Bells Tolling]

[Tolling Continues]

- Good morning. Coffee? - Good morning. Thank you.

S'il vous plaît? Un autre tasse.

Caroline sends you her love.

Did you spend the night here?

Yes. It's very comfortable.

Oh, you've stayed here before, have you?

Once or twice.

Do you mind if I speak with Joanna alone?

But of course.

Did you sleep in the same room?

Yes.

In other words, you—

Jo.

Are you in love?

- Yes. - After only one day?

I see.

I'm like that.

Are you?

How many times has this happened before, you being like that?

Twice. You and David.

I thought I was gonna last a lifetime.

I never meant it to happen.

We just suddenly found that we—

Got on.

- If you like. - Oh, I'm absolutely mad about the idea.

You really mustn't blame yourself, you know.

You've got an infernal bloody gall, I must say.

I don't bloody blame myself. I blame you.

- But that is ridiculous. - Look, Joanna's my wife, or hadn't you heard?

Since some time you have not loved Joanna.

- I am not taking her away from you. - Oh?

No, we are simply going away together for a time.

Thanks. That's really set my mind at rest.

I am sorry we did not know each other longer.

- It would have been easier. - Yeah, and more fun.

Then you could have had the supreme pleasure of taking your friend's wife.

- That's real kicks, huh? - [Chuckles]

Hey!

Mark, why don't you come out?

Palamos won't mind.

Hey! Not that one!

There's still life in it.

Hmm?

The whole world is changing out of all recognition.

Hmm.

There is no such thing as permanence anymore.

No, I suppose not.

And we should be glad.

I suppose so.

What kind of people just sit like that without a word to say to each other?

- Married people. - Exactly.

- It's so sad. - No, my darling...

that is not sad.

When something is finished...

one must say it's finished.

I'll always love you. Always, always, no matter what.

Hmm. No matter what?

Yes. As long as I don't catch you.

- If you catch me, you can keep me. - Oh!

[David] There comes a time when we must grow.

When the old things are not amusing anymore.

- How is that? - Painful.

That was out, you pregnant little sow. Plumb out. Leg before driftwood.

- Pregnant what? - Pregnant sow.

- Pregnant what? - Pregnant sow.

Hey!

[Laughing]

- Ha, ha! - [Mark Laughs]

[Laughs]

Well, you'll have to come out eventually.

Help!

Help! My—

Help!

Mark! Mark!

[Laughs] Bastard.

[Growls]

- Give us a kiss. - [Growls, Laughs]

Well, you must decide.

I know.

[Door Opens]

Hello.

Hello.

Well?

I'm back.

Enjoy yourself?

Yes, thank you.

But I missed you.

I did.

Why?

'Cause he's so serious.

I thought you liked people who were serious.

But he's so serious.

You want me to make some funny faces?

You don't need to make funny faces.

Mark, I'm back.

You humiliated me.

You humiliate me...

and you come back.

That's right.

- Thank God. - [Sobbing]

Are you sure you remember which one I am?

Oh.

Oh. [Sobbing]

- [Sobbing] - Joanna!

Mm.

Joanna!

Joanna!

[Laughs]

I've— I've been stupid. So stupid.

- Oh, we've both— - It was always me really.

You were always the one who— I'm sorry.

- Oh, let's forget it. - Can we forget it?

- Can you? - I can.

I'm just glad you're back. That's all I care about.

Well, I'm back.

- We should have parted then. - Why didn't we?

I didn't have the courage.

You didn't have the courage? What courage did you need?

The courage to see that what was finished was finished.

And what was finished?

You know bloody well what was finished.

Yes, I do— David and me. And we finished. So?

You know as well as I do you're hoping David will be there. Why pretend?

I'm not pretending. I do hope he'll be there.

- See? - I like him.

And it'll give me someone to talk to when Maurice drags you off...

for one of his 10-minute chats for six hours.

I'm not having any 10-minute chats with Maurice.

Ha!

Pin on a nice smile, darling. We're almost there.

## [Lounge]

- Ah! - Ah!

Joanna thought these would make a nice addition to the living pit. Thank you.

Oh, bless you both. Prettier than ever.

- Mm. Prettier than ever? Thank you. - Mm.

Everyone is admiring the house so much, I can't tell you.

Tell me, tell me. I can't stand praise unless I have it.

Mark, this is a beautiful house. Congratulations.

- Hey, you must be the architect. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, I just love the high ceilings. - [Mark] And the low floors?

Oh, precious. You're never gonna believe this.

This is the wildest coincidence imaginable. But, you know, when I was en route to the airport...

who do you think I should bump into— metaphorically speaking, of course.

- Of course. - But Howard and Cathy Maxwell Manchester.

- Oh. - On their way back from the hospital.

- She's been undergoing surgery for a particularly nasty cyst. - [Man, Indistinct]

But I'm very happy to say the doctors have given her a very hopeful prognosis.

Anyhow, they told me to be sure to call you when I got to Europe.

What a charming couple you were and everything.

And so when I called Yvonne, and found out you'd built their new home for them...

- well, you can imagine. - What? Yes.

- Isn't that the wildest coincidence imaginable? - Yes, isn't it?

Look, I think you've done the most fantastic things. You must be a very happy man.

- Yeah, I guess so. - Oh, and your wife is such a darling.

I've heard so much about her. You've got a wonderful little boy, haven't you?

Oh, actually, we've got a wonderful little girl.

Oh, that's right, A wonderful little girl.

Well, anyway, I just wanna tell you, I'm so happy to see...

a bright, talented man like you break right through to the top.

And I only wish Howard and Cathy were here to see it.

Because, believe me, they believed in you right from the start.

- If not before. - Come along.

Oh, hi. Listen. [Continues, Indistinct]

- Mr. Wallace? - Mm-hmm.

- Telephone for you. - Oh, thank you.

- Follow me, sir. I'll plug you in. - Mm-hmm.

Follow me. He plugs me in.

- They call you from America. - Ah, they call me from America.

They call me from here. They call me from there.

They call me from every bloody where. Hello?

Hello, Hal. How are you?

It's Hal Van Benius. Huh? So, what's the story?

It's fixed? Well, that's wonderful. Wonderful.

Yeah, when do we start?

Yesterday? I can't do. I have things I have to do yesterday.

Rome?

Rome, Friday? Yeah.

Yeah, I've got it. I've got it.

I'll see you then. Great. Bye.

- Rome, Friday. - So you are very much a success.

Oh, incredibly much. Come on.

##[Continues]

Shall we dance?

##[Stops, Resumes]

I think it is a little bit too early in the evening for that.

- Is it ever too early in the evening for that? - Mark, Mark, you're here.

- No one tells me a thing. I'm repairing the electrics... - Ah.

Which you should have been here to check again, incidentally.

And no one tells me you're arriving.

Well, there is a great many things I want to discuss with you.

- Have you met my fiancée? - Oh, how do you do?

Well, we go somewhere quiet, then we have a long talk.

- I thought this was going to be a party. - Please, Mark, I have problems.

What's the name of your fiancée again?

I don't know. I haven't asked. What's your name, darling?

- Sylvia. - Sylvia.

- Oh. She's very pretty. - Mm.

But you—you have divorced Joanna?

I don't understand. Well, anyway, the main question is—

The main question is— When are you free?

Oh, Joanna, I want you to meet my fiancée, Sylvia Albino. Joanna Wallace.

- David's been telling me about you. - Congratulations.

- Thank you. - I had a phone call from Hal Van Benius.

- And? - I got the job.

Good.

Good?

You're going to the States?

- Only for two years. - Then you must spare me 10 minutes.

- I need your advice, Mark. - We're gonna see him in Rome on Friday on his way through.

Ten minutes, huh?

Oh, hi. Say, I've heard the wonderful news about you and this beautiful girl here.

And I only wanna say that if you two can be as happy...

as those two wonderful people over there, and have a marriage like theirs...

you haven't got a thing to worry about.

Uh, but you see, Mark, my problem is very simple, but very complicated.

So you must spare me 10 minutes, huh?

Oh, 10 minutes, please.

Now, you see, you're the obvious man, since it was your original conception.

And I think it only fair that you see what you can do. Because if—

Oh. Oh, everybody jump, please.

Everybody jump. [Laughs]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I think you should be there to supervise—

I hate those occasions.

I hate those occasions. You love those occasions.

I love you.

- Oh, and I love you. - Hmph.

How long is this gonna go on?

- How long is what gonna go on? - The pretense that we're happy.

You've never pretended we're happy. Who's pretending?

You are. That we're happily married, that you wanted to stay with me.

- Those are two entirely different things. - You don't have to tell me.

If you had someone you wanted to go to, you'd be on your way.

- You don't have to tell me. - Why are you still here?

Because I'm not you.

How long are you gonna go on resenting the past?

Who's talking? Just who's talking?

I'm talking. What would you do if we got a divorce?

- Cry. - Yeah? Like for how long?

I don't know. Why would we get a divorce?

What if I died or I didn't exist?

If I hadn't had chicken pox, I'd have had chicken pox. I don't know.

- I love you. - Well, then. Well, then.

What would you do if I didn't exist?

Probably marry David.

But you do exist.

You knew the answer, so why did you ask the question?

Because I knew the answer.

There'll never be anyone else like you in my life.

- You promise? - I hope.

- It's you who can't accept it. - What can't I accept?

Why do you stop the car every time I say something?

What can't I accept?

That we're a fixture. That we're married.

You go on about my leaving you, when I'm always still here.

- You sure you don't want me to leave you? - Positive.

Why do you think I'm here?

I don't know. That's the whole thing.

- That's the whole thing. You never stop to think. - [Tires Skid]

I've stopped to think.

Stop thinking.

[Indistinct Whispering]

Now?

- Here? - Mm-hmm.

- I love happy endings. - You're just plain immoral.

How can it be immoral if we're married?

We're gonna have to get a divorce.

[Horn Honks]

[Gibberish]

- Come on, Howie. - Okay, okay.

[Horn Honks]

[Horn Honks]

- You have to admit it, we've changed. - I admit it, we've changed.

It's sad, but there it is— life.

Well, at least you're not a bad-tempered, disorganized, conceited failure anymore.

You're a bad-tempered, disorganized...

conceited success.

Passeport, s'il vous plaît.

Wait a minute.

[Speaking French]

No, my passport's in here. It must be in here somewhere.

I've got a very important meeting in Rome...

and I've got to get through.

- Bitch. - Bastard.