subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Sleeping.With.Other.People.2015.720p.BluRay.x264-English

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi Download

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,078 --> 00:00:30,578 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:31,779 --> 00:00:34,903 [upbeat music] 3 00:00:37,217 --> 00:00:38,711 Matthew! 4 00:00:39,649 --> 00:00:42,497 Hey! 5 00:00:42,498 --> 00:00:44,119 Where are you? 6 00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:49,687 Matthew! Hello! 7 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,641 Stupid, dumb shithead! 8 00:00:52,642 --> 00:00:53,952 ♪ Lot of snags ♪ 9 00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:55,873 ♪ Lot of holes lot of cracks ♪ 10 00:00:55,874 --> 00:00:58,882 ♪ Lot of crags ♪ 11 00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:00,642 God! 12 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:03,074 Matthew, are you gonna fuck me, or what? 13 00:01:03,075 --> 00:01:05,090 On it like a bonnet. On it like a bonnet. On it like a bonnet 14 00:01:05,091 --> 00:01:08,800 - Alright, fight club, what the hell is going on here? - I'm a guest! 15 00:01:08,801 --> 00:01:11,425 Unless someone signed you into the building. You are not a guest. 16 00:01:11,426 --> 00:01:14,337 - Alright? Please. - Aw, man! I miss my friend. 17 00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:16,002 - Don't take that tack with me. - My friend lives here... 18 00:01:16,003 --> 00:01:16,992 Please don't put me in this position. 19 00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,145 Why are you doing this? 20 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,034 I'm gonna have to call the campus police. 21 00:01:20,035 --> 00:01:21,984 Well... uh, now, Jordan, uh, she's my guest. 22 00:01:21,985 --> 00:01:23,266 - Uh, my... - She's your guest, Harper? 23 00:01:23,267 --> 00:01:24,738 Yeah, yeah, uh, yeah. 24 00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:26,080 She's, uh... Hi, Stephanie... hi, uh... 25 00:01:26,081 --> 00:01:28,865 - Yeah. - Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. Mm-hmm. 26 00:01:28,866 --> 00:01:31,554 Stephanie... Sanders. 27 00:01:31,555 --> 00:01:32,961 Stephanie Sanders. Right here. 28 00:01:32,962 --> 00:01:34,880 - Take care of her, okay? - Oh, yeah. No, I got this. 29 00:01:34,881 --> 00:01:36,706 This is all taken care of. You don't have to worry about that. 30 00:01:36,707 --> 00:01:38,145 - Thank you. - Okay. 31 00:01:38,146 --> 00:01:39,617 - Thanks, man. Sorry. - Thank you. 32 00:01:39,618 --> 00:01:42,978 - Oh, rock and roll. - What? 33 00:01:42,979 --> 00:01:45,218 - I said, rock and roll. - Oh. 34 00:01:45,219 --> 00:01:47,073 Alright, this is uh... This is us. 35 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,160 [Lainey chuckles] 36 00:01:48,161 --> 00:01:50,646 "Us." You're funny. 37 00:01:55,489 --> 00:01:56,578 Nice porn. 38 00:01:56,579 --> 00:01:58,358 Ha ha. Yeah. Ha... 39 00:01:59,522 --> 00:02:00,919 Nice panties. 40 00:02:02,369 --> 00:02:04,098 - Who are you? - I'm Jake. 41 00:02:04,099 --> 00:02:05,666 Lainey. 42 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,393 It's a nickname they give to people named Elaine. 43 00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:08,514 Elaine's great name. 44 00:02:08,515 --> 00:02:11,296 - It's like, Elaine! Elaine... - Hey! 45 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:15,713 If you ever even mention The Graduate again, I will slit your throat. 46 00:02:15,714 --> 00:02:19,287 Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up. 47 00:02:20,514 --> 00:02:22,913 Welcome to my Thursday night. Huh? 48 00:02:22,914 --> 00:02:25,282 You, uh... You wanna watch porn? 49 00:02:25,283 --> 00:02:26,711 Smoke drugs? 50 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,986 Ugh! This sucks! 51 00:02:29,987 --> 00:02:32,450 - Mm. - You know what I was gonna do tonight? 52 00:02:32,451 --> 00:02:34,913 Judging from your outfit, I'd say scale a mountain? 53 00:02:34,914 --> 00:02:36,705 - Lose my virginity. - Hold on a second... 54 00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:38,784 You were gonna lose your virginity to Matthew Sobvechik 55 00:02:38,785 --> 00:02:40,802 in 11B at Wein Dormitory? 56 00:02:40,803 --> 00:02:43,393 He's the TA in my pre-med bio class. 57 00:02:43,394 --> 00:02:45,986 I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him. 58 00:02:45,987 --> 00:02:49,248 We fool around after he teaches me things I already know. 59 00:02:49,249 --> 00:02:51,713 Jesus! How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag 60 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,952 such a delightfully unhinged hottie 61 00:02:53,953 --> 00:02:56,514 by being the most boring, fucking guy 62 00:02:56,515 --> 00:02:59,778 on this entire floor is beyond me. 63 00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:02,274 - Well, I'm in love with him. - Come on. 64 00:03:02,275 --> 00:03:03,969 There's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik 65 00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:06,081 the Pontiac Aztec of people. 66 00:03:06,082 --> 00:03:08,449 Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik 67 00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,528 is basically the same thing 68 00:03:10,529 --> 00:03:13,313 as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian outback 69 00:03:13,314 --> 00:03:14,625 that he's about to listen to the Beatles 70 00:03:14,626 --> 00:03:17,058 for the first time, and then I play him Blues Traveler. 71 00:03:17,059 --> 00:03:19,234 That's a cruel joke, for I will have just tricked him 72 00:03:19,235 --> 00:03:21,441 into thinking Blues Traveler 73 00:03:21,442 --> 00:03:24,224 is the greatest band of all time, okay? 74 00:03:24,225 --> 00:03:27,712 Now, if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik 75 00:03:27,713 --> 00:03:30,561 you would be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life. 76 00:03:30,562 --> 00:03:32,673 And that barely covered vagina of yours 77 00:03:32,674 --> 00:03:34,464 deserves better than that. 78 00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:38,561 It doesn't deserve John Popper, it deserves John Lennon. Okay? 79 00:03:38,562 --> 00:03:40,193 You understand me? 80 00:03:40,194 --> 00:03:43,830 I'm talkin' about, like, the "White Album", not "Hook." 81 00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:47,234 Tell me what sex is like. 82 00:03:47,235 --> 00:03:49,825 Oh, my God! You've got a one track mind. 83 00:03:49,826 --> 00:03:51,938 Fuck you. Enlighten me. 84 00:03:51,939 --> 00:03:53,506 You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh? 85 00:03:53,507 --> 00:03:56,215 - Mm-hmm. Tell me. - Okay. 86 00:03:56,930 --> 00:03:58,945 Better be ready. 87 00:03:58,946 --> 00:04:01,377 - You ready? - Yes. 88 00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:03,233 Sex is like, uh... 89 00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:06,305 It's like kissing with your entire body. 90 00:04:06,306 --> 00:04:08,769 Very sensual experience. 91 00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:11,905 It's like shooting heroin in a... in a controlled yet 92 00:04:11,906 --> 00:04:14,625 moist environment, you know? 93 00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:16,513 You know what it's like ...it's like... it's like Times Square at night. 94 00:04:16,514 --> 00:04:20,407 I mean... just the right tinge of danger. 95 00:04:21,443 --> 00:04:22,839 Sorry. 96 00:04:27,107 --> 00:04:28,727 Oh, my God. 97 00:04:29,090 --> 00:04:30,328 What? 98 00:04:31,843 --> 00:04:33,313 Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. 99 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:36,865 Yeah. So I haven't technically... 100 00:04:36,866 --> 00:04:39,682 ...actually really done it yet. 101 00:04:39,683 --> 00:04:41,121 Why're you laughing at me? That's not... 102 00:04:41,122 --> 00:04:42,818 But you're so old. 103 00:04:42,819 --> 00:04:45,697 Fuck you. I didn't call you an old virgin. 104 00:04:45,698 --> 00:04:48,770 I'm not... I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute. 105 00:04:48,771 --> 00:04:50,625 Why're you giving me shit? 106 00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:53,344 Y-you can't get the most boring dude 107 00:04:53,345 --> 00:04:55,968 in the dorm to sleep with you. 108 00:04:55,969 --> 00:04:58,113 You know... that... I mean, that's ridiculous. 109 00:04:58,114 --> 00:04:59,735 You're the one that's should be... 110 00:05:03,138 --> 00:05:05,090 No, I'm... I'm sorry. 111 00:05:05,091 --> 00:05:06,849 I... I'm... I'm... 112 00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:08,352 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset. 113 00:05:08,353 --> 00:05:09,537 I thought... I was just joking around. 114 00:05:09,538 --> 00:05:11,926 You know, I thought we were joking around. So I was joking. 115 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:17,281 This was all, just very romantic 116 00:05:17,282 --> 00:05:19,575 and then you just fucked it up. 117 00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:23,799 It was? 118 00:05:42,018 --> 00:05:43,201 [upbeat music] 119 00:05:43,202 --> 00:05:44,450 What is this? 120 00:05:44,451 --> 00:05:46,082 Get it off. 121 00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:47,479 Jesus. 122 00:05:52,162 --> 00:05:54,871 I'm so, so sweaty. All this on... 123 00:05:58,626 --> 00:05:59,862 You're incredible. 124 00:06:01,345 --> 00:06:03,830 You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day. 125 00:06:05,379 --> 00:06:06,977 ♪ ...smile upon you ♪♪ 126 00:06:06,978 --> 00:06:08,449 - Okay. Alright. - Mm-hmm. 127 00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,782 - Here we go? - Mm-hmm. 128 00:06:20,994 --> 00:06:22,336 [panting] 129 00:06:22,337 --> 00:06:24,865 ♪ That girl's stuck in your head ♪ 130 00:06:24,866 --> 00:06:27,616 ♪ Let down your... and make them stare ♪ 131 00:06:27,617 --> 00:06:28,609 ♪ You know it's not too late... ♪ 132 00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:31,265 Hey! Hey, Hannah! 133 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,889 Hannah! 134 00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:35,394 ♪ 'Cause it's a thrill to give you ♪ 135 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,609 ♪ What you want ♪ 136 00:06:36,610 --> 00:06:38,305 ♪ It's everything you dreamed of ♪ 137 00:06:38,306 --> 00:06:39,553 ♪ What you want ♪ 138 00:06:39,554 --> 00:06:41,568 ♪ I can remiss... ♪ 139 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,688 ♪ What you want ♪ 140 00:06:42,689 --> 00:06:45,794 ♪ If you just don't blow it ♪ 141 00:06:45,795 --> 00:06:48,864 ♪ Everything's going down ♪ 142 00:06:48,865 --> 00:06:53,282 ♪ Everything's blowing but you just can't stop it ♪♪ 143 00:06:53,283 --> 00:06:55,520 - Hannah! - Leave me alone! 144 00:06:55,521 --> 00:06:58,400 - Oh, come on. Look, I could do this all the way to Brooklyn... - Fuck you. 145 00:06:58,401 --> 00:07:00,961 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Easy. Easy. 146 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,040 Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style? 147 00:07:03,041 --> 00:07:05,440 Thank God you stopped, okay? Please. Please... 148 00:07:05,441 --> 00:07:07,584 - You're disgusting. - I'm... okay. Maybe you're right. 149 00:07:07,585 --> 00:07:09,377 - You might be right. - How could you fuck her, Jake? 150 00:07:09,378 --> 00:07:12,448 I look, sorry, I... Ow! Ooh! That got me! 151 00:07:12,449 --> 00:07:14,242 How could you even kiss me after you fucked her? 152 00:07:14,243 --> 00:07:15,648 What are we doing in the middle of the street? 153 00:07:15,649 --> 00:07:17,409 Ugh! Because I hope we fucking die! 154 00:07:17,410 --> 00:07:20,354 Will you get... whoa! Fuckin' please, come on! 155 00:07:20,355 --> 00:07:23,713 Let's get off the street, okay? Okay, look, look, look, look, look. 156 00:07:23,714 --> 00:07:28,193 Hey. Hey, hey, hey, I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay. 157 00:07:28,194 --> 00:07:30,818 And Lord knows, I could use the exercise 158 00:07:30,819 --> 00:07:33,760 but I do believe there are exactly 3 points we should discuss, okay? 159 00:07:33,761 --> 00:07:36,865 First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity 160 00:07:36,866 --> 00:07:40,513 I distinctly recall you saying something about "staying casual," yeah? 161 00:07:40,514 --> 00:07:42,017 - I only said that... - Most likely because you thought 162 00:07:42,018 --> 00:07:43,393 that was what I wanted to hear, yes? 163 00:07:43,394 --> 00:07:46,305 - Yes. - Okay. Well, me taking you at your word 164 00:07:46,306 --> 00:07:48,993 doesn't make me an asshole, it does however make you a liar. 165 00:07:48,994 --> 00:07:50,656 Ugh! You're such a piece of shit... 166 00:07:50,657 --> 00:07:53,440 Hey. Second... second point. Okay? 167 00:07:53,441 --> 00:07:55,841 If you really, actually wanted monogamy 168 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:59,170 why have casual sex with me for three months? 169 00:07:59,171 --> 00:08:02,305 You know, I mean, If you wanna grow flowers, you don't plant 'em in a closet. 170 00:08:02,306 --> 00:08:07,264 So either you're stupid or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either. 171 00:08:07,265 --> 00:08:09,281 You fucked my best friend. 172 00:08:09,282 --> 00:08:11,712 Which brings me to my third and final point. 173 00:08:11,713 --> 00:08:14,721 Your chief complaint is not that I screwed someone 174 00:08:14,722 --> 00:08:16,608 it is who I screwed. 175 00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:18,433 That's what it's about, right? 176 00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,312 So much like your, uh, the counter-intuitive plan 177 00:08:21,313 --> 00:08:23,266 to secure an exclusive relationship 178 00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:25,345 with a guy that you don't actually wanna date. 179 00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:27,553 Moi. Your issue with me and Sarah... 180 00:08:27,554 --> 00:08:28,738 - Do not say her name. - Was a lot... 181 00:08:28,739 --> 00:08:32,993 Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity. 182 00:08:32,994 --> 00:08:36,769 Not to mention, a culturally infused female competition. 183 00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:38,978 Oh! My heart goes out to you ladies. 184 00:08:38,979 --> 00:08:41,792 Baby, you're a bad liar. 185 00:08:41,793 --> 00:08:44,064 You're not stupid. 186 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:47,584 And she can't hold a candle to you. 187 00:08:47,585 --> 00:08:49,312 Can we please go home? 188 00:08:49,313 --> 00:08:51,488 Please? 189 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,345 You know, get out of these wet clothes. 190 00:08:53,346 --> 00:08:55,671 And dry each other off using friction. 191 00:08:58,849 --> 00:08:59,936 Yeah? 192 00:08:59,937 --> 00:09:02,656 - Yeah. - Good. 193 00:09:02,657 --> 00:09:03,670 Whoa! 194 00:09:05,058 --> 00:09:08,033 [sirens wailing] 195 00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,720 - You got a girlfriend, Charles? - No. 196 00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:13,504 Playing the field, hmm? 197 00:09:13,505 --> 00:09:16,065 Be careful. 198 00:09:16,066 --> 00:09:17,782 - You know? - Why? 199 00:09:19,841 --> 00:09:21,813 I don't know if I have time to answer that. 200 00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:30,370 Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks. 201 00:09:30,371 --> 00:09:33,537 Um, what were we talking about? So I said to Jack. 202 00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:36,769 I said, "Jack, Lainey and I, we're looking to buy. 203 00:09:36,770 --> 00:09:39,265 Maybe have a kid." 204 00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:41,281 I hope it's okay that I said that, by the way. 205 00:09:41,282 --> 00:09:43,233 I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you? 206 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,313 Because I know you don't wanna get married, but you know 207 00:09:45,314 --> 00:09:47,712 I do think it's important we make some sort of commitment to each other 208 00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:51,520 and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington 209 00:09:51,521 --> 00:09:53,441 maybe Prospect Heights. 210 00:09:53,442 --> 00:09:55,712 What's up, little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook? 211 00:09:55,713 --> 00:09:58,272 Sam. I have to read you something. 212 00:09:58,273 --> 00:10:00,705 You've been writing again? 213 00:10:00,706 --> 00:10:03,136 - Sweetie, that's great! - No... 214 00:10:03,137 --> 00:10:04,416 - I was never writing. - Honey, yes! 215 00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:06,593 - It was one short story... - Yes! That is great! 216 00:10:06,594 --> 00:10:08,416 No, listen. Listen... 217 00:10:08,417 --> 00:10:10,082 I wanna tell you something, look at me. 218 00:10:10,083 --> 00:10:13,121 Look at me, okay? I know you love teaching. 219 00:10:13,122 --> 00:10:15,968 But that's not a real thing. I mean, this is great. This is... 220 00:10:15,969 --> 00:10:17,953 Can you please just not interrupt me while I read this, please. 221 00:10:17,954 --> 00:10:19,968 - Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it. - I won't. 222 00:10:19,969 --> 00:10:21,697 I don't think I interrupt you, but go on. 223 00:10:21,698 --> 00:10:23,457 - Don't. - I don't. 224 00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:25,793 - Please don't interrupt. - I would love to hear it. 225 00:10:25,794 --> 00:10:27,862 - Okay, mister. - Wow me. 226 00:10:29,409 --> 00:10:30,933 - Sam. - Lainey. 227 00:10:34,209 --> 00:10:39,233 "My therapist suggested that I attend a 12 step program 228 00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:41,633 for recovery from a love addiction 229 00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:42,977 and romantic obsession..." 230 00:10:42,978 --> 00:10:45,281 I'm sorry... beep, beep, squeak, um, hello... 231 00:10:45,282 --> 00:10:47,264 Did you say "Love addiction?" 232 00:10:47,265 --> 00:10:49,569 - "And romantic obsession..." - Sweetie. Sweetie. 233 00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:52,448 - You might as well face it, you're addicted to love. - "Obsession..." 234 00:10:52,449 --> 00:10:54,529 - Huey Lewis. - No, it's Robert Palmer. 235 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,097 "That I've had for the last 10 years. 236 00:10:56,098 --> 00:10:59,072 "As a result I have been able to stay faithful to you 237 00:10:59,073 --> 00:11:01,056 - for the past 6 months..." - Okay, let me just stop you because... 238 00:11:01,057 --> 00:11:04,961 - I feel like... - Sam, I'm trying to tell you something. 239 00:11:04,962 --> 00:11:06,785 - I know. I would love to hear what you're telling me. - Sam. 240 00:11:06,786 --> 00:11:09,537 - Can you listen to what I'm saying to you... - I'm trying to. 241 00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:11,776 Yeah. I'm listening. 242 00:11:11,777 --> 00:11:14,337 "I wanna move forward in our relationship in an honest way." 243 00:11:14,338 --> 00:11:19,425 Oh, I know it. Bein' Honest ...honest, critical appraisal is the foundation... 244 00:11:19,426 --> 00:11:21,430 Sam, I cheated on you. 245 00:11:35,521 --> 00:11:37,271 You cheated on me? 246 00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:44,853 Baby, how many times? 247 00:11:47,777 --> 00:11:49,047 16. 248 00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:56,417 I don't even know 16 guys. 249 00:11:56,418 --> 00:11:58,336 - 16 guys... - No, the same guy. 250 00:11:58,337 --> 00:12:00,182 16 times. 251 00:12:02,498 --> 00:12:03,521 - Who? - It doesn't matter... 252 00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:05,153 - Tell me who. - It doesn't... 253 00:12:05,154 --> 00:12:07,072 - My brother? - No. 254 00:12:07,073 --> 00:12:08,449 - Was it my brother? - No. 255 00:12:08,450 --> 00:12:09,345 - Was it my brother? - Stop. 256 00:12:09,346 --> 00:12:11,041 You know I'm not attracted to your brother. 257 00:12:11,042 --> 00:12:12,384 Who's so fuckin' hot? 258 00:12:12,385 --> 00:12:14,976 Who is better than my brother? 259 00:12:14,977 --> 00:12:16,704 - I'm not gonna tell you... - I deserve to know. 260 00:12:16,705 --> 00:12:17,664 - No, I'm... - I deserve to know. 261 00:12:17,665 --> 00:12:20,737 I've been getting his second fucking servings. 262 00:12:20,738 --> 00:12:24,385 I've been tasting his sweat. Who's juices have I tasted? 263 00:12:24,386 --> 00:12:27,137 If I've been drinking his juices, I wanna know who it is. 264 00:12:27,138 --> 00:12:29,440 I'm not gonna involve him in this and make things worse. 265 00:12:29,441 --> 00:12:34,720 Oh, oh. You involved my brother when you fucked him 16 times! 266 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:38,241 Who can tell what that fuckin', swarthy man... 267 00:12:38,242 --> 00:12:40,608 What? Get out of here! Get out of here! 268 00:12:40,609 --> 00:12:42,816 Please! Why did you have to do this in public 269 00:12:42,817 --> 00:12:44,480 were you trying to humiliate me? 270 00:12:44,481 --> 00:12:46,881 Look it! Look it! He's looking! I'm embarrassed. 271 00:12:46,882 --> 00:12:49,344 - You won! - I was sacred that you would freak out. 272 00:12:49,345 --> 00:12:51,105 Yeah! Oh, well you thought right. 273 00:12:51,106 --> 00:12:53,654 Get ready for a Classic Sam freak out! 274 00:12:56,417 --> 00:12:58,368 Sam, wait. I'm sorry. 275 00:12:58,369 --> 00:13:01,889 Please, please, don't leave... I'm sorry. 276 00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:05,089 I wanna make this work. I'm trying to get better. 277 00:13:05,090 --> 00:13:06,944 You can't get better. 278 00:13:06,945 --> 00:13:10,358 Lainey, you're not an addict, okay? 279 00:13:13,825 --> 00:13:15,830 You're just a whore. 280 00:13:17,536 --> 00:13:19,478 You're a whore! 281 00:13:22,754 --> 00:13:24,631 You're a fuckin' whore! 282 00:13:38,786 --> 00:13:41,143 [breathing heavily] 283 00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:57,462 [sniffles] 284 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,718 [cellphone beeps] 285 00:14:14,049 --> 00:14:15,744 Before I started this program 286 00:14:15,745 --> 00:14:18,752 I thought "love" was a feeling. 287 00:14:18,753 --> 00:14:21,503 But that's bullshit, it's not a feeling 288 00:14:21,504 --> 00:14:23,992 it's a decision, like everything else. 289 00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:27,681 And I see now that when I was in my addiction I made the decision 290 00:14:27,682 --> 00:14:32,160 over and over again to choose sex over my self-worth. 291 00:14:32,161 --> 00:14:33,889 And it doesn't mean that I don't like sex now 292 00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:37,120 it doesn't mean that I'm not a sexual person. Gail. 293 00:14:37,121 --> 00:14:39,072 I don't need to go trolling online looking 294 00:14:39,073 --> 00:14:40,672 for women to go down on. 295 00:14:40,673 --> 00:14:42,464 I don't need to fuck 8 guys on one night. 296 00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,992 I don't deny what I've done. I embrace my past. 297 00:14:44,993 --> 00:14:46,913 Yes, I did once call one of my neighbors in the middle of the day 298 00:14:46,914 --> 00:14:49,152 when he was at work and said, "Grab some condoms and meet me 299 00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:52,575 at that delicious soft pretzel place." Who cares? 300 00:14:52,576 --> 00:14:56,832 I did let someone put a protein bar up my ass once. Big deal. 301 00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:59,169 I did hack into my supermarket's Instagram account 302 00:14:59,170 --> 00:15:02,592 and posted a picture of my asshole and said, there was a sale on asshole. 303 00:15:02,593 --> 00:15:05,109 And then said, "Come and lick my asshole if you're bald." 304 00:15:05,762 --> 00:15:07,191 [cellphone beeps] 305 00:15:15,105 --> 00:15:17,013 Of all the gin joints. 306 00:15:18,273 --> 00:15:19,957 No way. 307 00:15:21,057 --> 00:15:22,807 - Jake. - Yes. 308 00:15:26,562 --> 00:15:29,472 Oh, my God. Were y-you just in that meeting? 309 00:15:29,473 --> 00:15:31,104 Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure was. Uh-huh. 310 00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:34,166 Yeah. Had to get out of there, though. It was making me super horny. 311 00:15:35,905 --> 00:15:39,648 Wow. It's been... What? 12 years? 312 00:15:39,649 --> 00:15:41,953 I think it might actually be longer. Yeah. 313 00:15:41,954 --> 00:15:43,926 - Wow. - Yeah. You look good. 314 00:15:45,024 --> 00:15:47,168 - So do you. - Thank you. 315 00:15:47,169 --> 00:15:50,561 Wow! The "Old virgin." 316 00:15:50,562 --> 00:15:52,801 Don't you mean the one that got away? 317 00:15:52,802 --> 00:15:54,784 - Stop. - Oh, last thing I remember, we had that... 318 00:15:54,785 --> 00:15:57,824 awesome night together and you just sort of... 319 00:15:57,825 --> 00:16:00,639 - Disappeared. - Oh, plus you were all hung up on that guy 320 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,080 that lived next door to me, the boring guy. 321 00:16:02,081 --> 00:16:03,969 The, uh, Marcus, or, uh... 322 00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,217 - Matthew. - That's right. 323 00:16:05,218 --> 00:16:06,432 I heard he's a lady doctor now. 324 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,128 - Oh? - Yeah. 325 00:16:08,129 --> 00:16:09,313 You ever see him around? 326 00:16:09,314 --> 00:16:11,328 I assume like... doctor things? 327 00:16:11,329 --> 00:16:13,120 - Aren't you a doctor now? - Oh, I didn't do that. 328 00:16:13,121 --> 00:16:14,721 I didn't end up going to med school. 329 00:16:14,722 --> 00:16:16,032 - Oh. - I teach... 330 00:16:16,033 --> 00:16:17,537 - Cool. - Now, yeah, kids. 331 00:16:17,538 --> 00:16:18,848 - Great. - Kindergarten. 332 00:16:18,849 --> 00:16:20,385 Alright. 333 00:16:20,386 --> 00:16:21,984 You? What do you... what do you... 334 00:16:21,985 --> 00:16:24,383 A buddy and I created this CDN and we're selling it 335 00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,144 to a digital media provider... And you're bored already? 336 00:16:26,145 --> 00:16:27,201 - No. - You just asked me. 337 00:16:27,202 --> 00:16:29,633 I know. I'm sorry. I have to... 338 00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:32,256 Respond to that booty text I assume, right? 339 00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:34,239 Oh, come on, Lainey. 340 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,872 I was watchin' you in there. 341 00:16:35,873 --> 00:16:39,233 I saw ya. Checkin' your phone every 5 minutes. 342 00:16:39,234 --> 00:16:41,953 All that tension in your shoulders. Legs crossed, playin' with your hair... 343 00:16:41,954 --> 00:16:43,873 - Why are you here? - Hmm. 344 00:16:43,874 --> 00:16:45,920 - To pick up women? - No, no, Heaven's no. 345 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,735 No, not women, no. Just you evidently. 346 00:16:48,736 --> 00:16:50,528 [Lainey laughs] 347 00:16:50,529 --> 00:16:52,288 I'll see you around. 348 00:16:52,289 --> 00:16:54,464 Hopefully not here. 349 00:16:54,465 --> 00:16:55,894 Yeah. 350 00:16:56,546 --> 00:16:58,293 Hey, I'm on Facebook! 351 00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,007 What... a weird thing to say out loud. 352 00:17:09,856 --> 00:17:12,213 [instrumental music] 353 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:21,056 - You know, I have one last question... actually... - Oh, come on. Come on. 354 00:17:21,057 --> 00:17:25,920 It's like... um, when I sign this, what happens to everything 355 00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:28,801 that Xander and I worked on, like, all the content we created? 356 00:17:28,802 --> 00:17:33,311 We dissolve all past and current product. And you'll work exclusively for us. 357 00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:36,705 Yeah. Right. Time to settle down. 358 00:17:36,706 --> 00:17:40,449 - That's true. That's true. But what if we have... - No. No. 359 00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:44,000 I will straight up murder you if you do not sign this immediately. 360 00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:45,761 Xander, I'm lookin' out for us. 361 00:17:45,762 --> 00:17:47,424 You're lookin' out for us? No, I'm lookin' out for us. 362 00:17:47,425 --> 00:17:49,216 - You're being a dick... - Here's the thing, guys. 363 00:17:49,217 --> 00:17:52,192 I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do. 364 00:17:52,193 --> 00:17:54,945 So if you wanna reopen the terms of the contract, that's fine 365 00:17:54,946 --> 00:17:57,377 I'm just gonna go grab some lunch. 366 00:17:57,378 --> 00:18:02,497 No, alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Okay. You know... y... you just... 367 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,257 You don't have to go for lunch yet. 368 00:18:04,258 --> 00:18:05,974 Okay. 369 00:18:09,985 --> 00:18:12,192 Congrats, boys. You have officially sold out. 370 00:18:12,193 --> 00:18:14,783 Fuck yes! 371 00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:17,760 Oh, my God! 372 00:18:17,761 --> 00:18:19,713 - I really thought you were gonna fuck this up. - Me too. 373 00:18:19,714 --> 00:18:23,873 - I really did. He fucks everything in life up. - Yeah, yeah, I do. 374 00:18:23,874 --> 00:18:25,633 I have two beautiful children 375 00:18:25,634 --> 00:18:28,127 both are gonna have ridiculously terrible teeth. 376 00:18:28,128 --> 00:18:31,233 So you're getting braces, you're getting braces 377 00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:32,917 you're getting braces! 378 00:18:34,048 --> 00:18:36,661 Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with? 379 00:18:38,592 --> 00:18:41,505 Dinner maybe? How about brunch with my folks, you'll love them. 380 00:18:41,506 --> 00:18:42,433 - You're smart, handsome... - Thank you. 381 00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:44,928 And now have stocks vesting until 2018. 382 00:18:44,929 --> 00:18:46,401 You can go get any woman you want. 383 00:18:46,402 --> 00:18:48,191 Really? Well, I still choose you. 384 00:18:48,192 --> 00:18:50,048 Why? Because I happened to be in your eye-line? 385 00:18:50,049 --> 00:18:51,392 Possibly because you're uninterested. 386 00:18:51,393 --> 00:18:53,409 Most likely because you're stunning and successful. 387 00:18:53,410 --> 00:18:55,007 - I'm divorced. - His loss. 388 00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,545 - I have a kid. - I love kids. 389 00:18:56,546 --> 00:18:57,633 Kids love me. I basically am a kid. 390 00:18:57,634 --> 00:19:00,609 - And I don't sleep with my employees. - I quit. 391 00:19:00,610 --> 00:19:02,079 Goodbye, Jacob. 392 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,957 - Congrats. - Thanks. 393 00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:06,848 - Huh. - What? 394 00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:08,641 Paula's somethin' else, huh? 395 00:19:08,642 --> 00:19:10,240 Yeah, she really is. 396 00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:12,192 She was vibin' me pretty hard in that meeting. 397 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,656 - Well, you're a married man. - Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her. 398 00:19:14,657 --> 00:19:16,673 - 'Cause I was, like, I didn't wanna embarrass her... - Yeah, yeah. 399 00:19:16,674 --> 00:19:18,304 - That's good. Let her down easy. - Yeah. 400 00:19:18,305 --> 00:19:21,472 Good afternoon, Dr. Sobvechik's office. 401 00:19:21,473 --> 00:19:24,960 I'm sorry the doctor's not available right now. May I take a message? 402 00:19:24,961 --> 00:19:28,159 Elaine. Elaine Dalton? 403 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:33,345 Yes, um... sorry. It's Lainey. Only my father calls me Elaine. 404 00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:36,246 Mm-hmm. Dr. Sobvechik will see you now. 405 00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:39,734 [instrumental music] 406 00:19:44,769 --> 00:19:47,808 You didn't have to make an appointment. 407 00:19:47,809 --> 00:19:51,029 This used to be our move. Me pretending to be a patient. 408 00:19:54,114 --> 00:19:55,999 You look great. 409 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,719 It's been a while. 410 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,886 I get worried when you disappear. 411 00:20:02,273 --> 00:20:04,448 Me too. 412 00:20:04,449 --> 00:20:07,349 It's really good to see you. W... what do you wanna talk about? 413 00:20:08,928 --> 00:20:10,773 - I can't see you anymore. - I agree. 414 00:20:12,993 --> 00:20:15,030 Yeah. I think... 415 00:20:16,545 --> 00:20:19,777 - We need to be over. - I asked Emma to marry me. 416 00:20:19,778 --> 00:20:21,408 I mean, she kept bringing it up. 417 00:20:21,409 --> 00:20:23,231 Thought it was the right thing to do. 418 00:20:23,232 --> 00:20:25,077 Dr. Sobvechik's office... 419 00:20:26,753 --> 00:20:28,705 Oh, you and Emma got back together? 420 00:20:28,706 --> 00:20:31,574 Yes, uh... uh did I not tell you that? 421 00:20:39,522 --> 00:20:44,032 - How is Sam? - He is... fine. 422 00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:45,430 Good. 423 00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:52,502 Glad we ended it face to face. You were right to come. 424 00:21:01,154 --> 00:21:02,592 Will you do me a favor? 425 00:21:02,593 --> 00:21:05,943 Will you erase your number from my phone? 426 00:21:07,905 --> 00:21:10,006 I won't be able to do it. 427 00:22:03,201 --> 00:22:05,152 Is this what you want, Elaine? 428 00:22:05,153 --> 00:22:06,623 Yes. 429 00:22:06,624 --> 00:22:08,917 I want it all the time. It's all I think about. 430 00:22:10,945 --> 00:22:13,110 [Lainey moaning] 431 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,646 Good afternoon, Dr. Sobvechik's office. 432 00:22:56,032 --> 00:22:58,421 I'm sorry the doctor is unavailable right now. 433 00:23:00,289 --> 00:23:02,656 - He's getting married. - Who would marry him? 434 00:23:02,657 --> 00:23:05,440 Like, can she consent? Is she in a coma? 435 00:23:05,441 --> 00:23:08,576 I mean, who is this person? Where do you find her? 436 00:23:08,577 --> 00:23:10,624 Some sort of, like, website 437 00:23:10,625 --> 00:23:13,408 for people who want to have a horrible, painful life... 438 00:23:13,409 --> 00:23:16,960 I think I need to stop having sex all together for a while. 439 00:23:16,961 --> 00:23:19,136 No, alright. The problem isn't sex. 440 00:23:19,137 --> 00:23:20,383 The problem is Captain Amazing 441 00:23:20,384 --> 00:23:21,887 has monopolized your vag for like a decade 442 00:23:21,888 --> 00:23:23,008 and now you're a pod person. 443 00:23:23,009 --> 00:23:25,184 But maybe if I'm not having any sex... 444 00:23:25,185 --> 00:23:27,104 And become a sexually anorexic? No. 445 00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:28,896 What? Is that a real thing? 446 00:23:28,897 --> 00:23:30,017 Yeah, of course it's a real thing. 447 00:23:30,018 --> 00:23:32,640 Sexual anorexian. It's like depriving yourself of sex 448 00:23:32,641 --> 00:23:37,119 because of low self-esteem, or abuse or other gnarly shit. 449 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,752 That's great. That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing. 450 00:23:38,753 --> 00:23:41,248 It's like enough with this shit. 451 00:23:41,249 --> 00:23:43,041 Sobvechik! It's like enough! 452 00:23:43,042 --> 00:23:45,151 I mean, you can do so much better. 453 00:23:45,152 --> 00:23:47,168 I don't care if it's a woman or if it's somebody else 454 00:23:47,169 --> 00:23:50,559 just anything but the schmuck. 455 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,024 I feel like people are looking at us. 456 00:23:53,025 --> 00:23:53,984 The guy I lost my virginity to 457 00:23:53,985 --> 00:23:55,808 was at my sex addicts meeting. 458 00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,567 What do you think that means? 459 00:23:57,568 --> 00:23:58,912 It's a sign. 460 00:23:58,913 --> 00:24:03,263 You should fuck that guy. A lot. 461 00:24:03,264 --> 00:24:06,944 I don't think everyone should just be running around fucking willy-nilly, okay? 462 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:11,317 In your specific case I do think you should fuck that sex addict. 463 00:24:14,784 --> 00:24:16,928 ♪ One look in the mirror ♪ 464 00:24:16,929 --> 00:24:20,150 ♪ And I know the party is over ♪♪ 465 00:24:22,272 --> 00:24:23,766 You have lipstick on your teeth. 466 00:24:25,442 --> 00:24:27,968 - Thank you. - This is my wife! This is Blainey. 467 00:24:27,969 --> 00:24:30,175 - Lainey. Lainey... with an L. - Oh. 468 00:24:30,176 --> 00:24:32,661 What's wrong with you? 469 00:24:33,150 --> 00:24:35,071 - Never make it end. - This is, uh, Lainey! Lainey, Naomi. 470 00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:37,888 - Oh, may God. - This is my wife. 471 00:24:37,889 --> 00:24:40,672 Shots. I'm getting everybody shot. Shots for all round. We're going to keep it going. 472 00:24:40,673 --> 00:24:42,816 Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now. 473 00:24:42,817 --> 00:24:45,504 - Okay, stop screaming that. - Rich as shit! 474 00:24:45,505 --> 00:24:48,543 I'm telling you, someone's gonna murder us if you keep screaming... 475 00:24:48,544 --> 00:24:53,344 I don't care. We're in a cool bar. I just bought a Tesla! 476 00:24:53,345 --> 00:24:56,128 That's not true. We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it. 477 00:24:56,129 --> 00:24:58,943 - Yeah. - Listen, are you guys, um... 478 00:24:58,944 --> 00:25:01,152 - Are you guys sleeping with each other? - No. 479 00:25:01,153 --> 00:25:03,744 - Oh, good. Oh, my God, good. - What're you guys talking about? 480 00:25:03,745 --> 00:25:05,728 I'm telling her not to have sex with you! Sorry. 481 00:25:05,729 --> 00:25:09,237 Oh, yeah, well you're too late! 'Cause we lost our virginity to each other! 482 00:25:11,170 --> 00:25:12,639 - Are you serious? - You didn't know. 483 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,744 - Yeah, I told him earlier. - We all knew. You didn't know! 484 00:25:15,745 --> 00:25:17,888 - That's a beautiful story. - Yeah. 485 00:25:17,889 --> 00:25:19,455 - So romantic. - Right! 486 00:25:19,456 --> 00:25:21,023 Here we go. Bring it in. 487 00:25:21,024 --> 00:25:23,137 - To virginity! - To virginity! 488 00:25:23,138 --> 00:25:24,790 Get lost. 489 00:25:27,041 --> 00:25:29,439 - Here we go. - I gotta go. I just gonna go outside for a... 490 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,575 That was good. Naomi still has her anal virginity. 491 00:25:32,576 --> 00:25:35,168 That's not true. A lot of guys have been up there, just not you. 492 00:25:35,169 --> 00:25:36,640 Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl... 493 00:25:36,641 --> 00:25:38,496 - Lainey, her name's Lainey. - Lainey. Lainey, I'm sorry. 494 00:25:38,497 --> 00:25:40,576 Quick question before you walk out the door... 495 00:25:40,577 --> 00:25:45,344 Are you the reason that my friend Jake here is like, the biggest slut in the world? 496 00:25:45,345 --> 00:25:47,232 - What are you doing? - I'm saying, like 497 00:25:47,233 --> 00:25:49,344 he puts his dick in like, every sticky hole he finds. 498 00:25:49,345 --> 00:25:51,072 - That's not true. - It gross. 499 00:25:51,073 --> 00:25:52,160 - Xander. - But like I'm jels. 500 00:25:52,161 --> 00:25:54,400 Come on. 501 00:25:54,401 --> 00:25:55,999 - No, I'm just kidding. - I don't know. I don't know. 502 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,631 I'm just kidding. I know it's not you. I know it's not you. 503 00:25:57,632 --> 00:25:59,840 - I know it's because his dad molested him. - What? 504 00:25:59,841 --> 00:26:02,111 - What? - Now everybody knows! 505 00:26:02,112 --> 00:26:03,361 He was a boy scout leader. 506 00:26:03,362 --> 00:26:06,112 - Yeah. - Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome. 507 00:26:06,113 --> 00:26:08,256 - How am I welcome? - I just set that up for you. 508 00:26:08,257 --> 00:26:10,304 - Wait a minute, where is she going? - Yeah, don't let her get away. 509 00:26:10,305 --> 00:26:12,927 Dude, you gotta chase after her. 510 00:26:12,928 --> 00:26:15,871 - She's your lobster, man. - I know. Okay, alright. 511 00:26:15,872 --> 00:26:17,919 She seems... 512 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:18,976 - Awesome. - Amazing. 513 00:26:18,977 --> 00:26:21,696 Hey, Lainey! 514 00:26:21,697 --> 00:26:24,511 - What are you doin'? Where are you going? - Sorry, sorry, yeah. 515 00:26:24,512 --> 00:26:27,231 I just... I wanna thank you for tonight. It was great. 516 00:26:27,232 --> 00:26:30,079 Just go... go in and have fun with your friends. 517 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,831 I just... I Facebooked you because I thought... 518 00:26:32,832 --> 00:26:34,752 I should start dating again, I'm trying to get over this guy... 519 00:26:34,753 --> 00:26:36,406 Was this supposed to be a date? 520 00:26:37,953 --> 00:26:39,936 Oh shit, it was... 521 00:26:39,937 --> 00:26:42,943 Oh hell. I'm an idiot, I'm sorry, I'm a dick. 522 00:26:42,944 --> 00:26:45,440 I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know. I... 523 00:26:45,441 --> 00:26:46,656 Well, hey... hey, how about we go on a date? 524 00:26:46,657 --> 00:26:48,448 This is a date now. We'll go out. 525 00:26:48,449 --> 00:26:50,431 - So now it's... - Yeah, it's a date. Let's go on a date. 526 00:26:50,432 --> 00:26:53,120 This is good. I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my jacket 527 00:26:53,121 --> 00:26:57,024 then I'll come out and we'll, uh... date it up. 528 00:26:57,025 --> 00:27:00,832 Matthew Sobvechik? That guy had all the charm of a broken Etch a sketch. 529 00:27:00,833 --> 00:27:04,224 It feels so freeing to tell someone about it. Who actually knows him. 530 00:27:04,225 --> 00:27:07,360 Okay, you're gonna have to explain this to me. I mean, is he packing? Huh? 531 00:27:07,361 --> 00:27:09,439 Is that what's going on? Does it tip in hundreds? 532 00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,232 Read you the Polar Express before bedtime? 533 00:27:11,233 --> 00:27:13,119 You know, it's pretty average actually. 534 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:16,320 Ah, Goddammit! Even his junk is boring. 535 00:27:16,321 --> 00:27:19,201 God damn boring dick! 536 00:27:19,202 --> 00:27:21,984 That's so weird, and you're a catch! It's true. 537 00:27:21,985 --> 00:27:24,864 You know, I'm serious. You've got a strong vocabulary. 538 00:27:24,865 --> 00:27:28,021 You look dynamite in a tank top. It's just... what gives? 539 00:27:28,450 --> 00:27:29,493 I guess... 540 00:27:32,481 --> 00:27:36,319 I guess, I just thought eventually he'd choose me. 541 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,072 - Mm-hmm. - And so I always chose him. 542 00:27:39,073 --> 00:27:42,111 If he texted I'd think of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd... 543 00:27:42,112 --> 00:27:44,992 - That's psychotic. - Mm. Thanks. 544 00:27:44,993 --> 00:27:46,879 Well, I mean it's not your fault. 545 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,736 You know, little girls are told 546 00:27:48,737 --> 00:27:50,912 that someday they're gonna find the one. 547 00:27:50,913 --> 00:27:52,480 What they don't tell you guys is that the one 548 00:27:52,481 --> 00:27:53,696 might be a complete fucking dickhead 549 00:27:53,697 --> 00:27:56,448 with a boring heroin penis that turns you all into a sex addict 550 00:27:56,449 --> 00:27:57,472 that's what they leave out in the Disney movies... 551 00:27:57,473 --> 00:27:58,624 I'm not sex addict. 552 00:27:58,625 --> 00:27:59,679 Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me neither. 553 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,736 I went to a few meetings 554 00:28:00,737 --> 00:28:02,239 because my therapist suggested 555 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,223 that I go, that it... that it might help. 556 00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:06,591 - But it didn't, so I stopped. - Okay. 557 00:28:06,592 --> 00:28:08,255 What's your excuse? 558 00:28:08,256 --> 00:28:09,760 - Me? - Yeah. 559 00:28:09,761 --> 00:28:10,751 My girlfriend said if I didn't go 560 00:28:10,752 --> 00:28:11,775 she'd break up with me. 561 00:28:11,776 --> 00:28:12,896 So I went to a meeting. 562 00:28:12,897 --> 00:28:15,480 She broke up with me anyway. I'm cured. 563 00:28:15,481 --> 00:28:17,901 - Well why did she want you to go? - I don't know. 564 00:28:21,953 --> 00:28:25,760 She... some have suggested 565 00:28:25,761 --> 00:28:29,151 that I have a little bit of a problem staying faithful 566 00:28:29,152 --> 00:28:32,320 for long periods of time... Or possibly at all. 567 00:28:32,321 --> 00:28:35,296 Oh. And it all comes out. 568 00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:39,840 Look, once I come to the realization that I'm with... 569 00:28:39,841 --> 00:28:41,119 ...the wrong girl... 570 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,072 - Mm-hmm. - I don't know how to end it. 571 00:28:43,073 --> 00:28:46,751 - So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people? - Mm. Exactly. 572 00:28:46,752 --> 00:28:49,695 Yeah. Obviously they get upset 573 00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:52,703 but then comes the whole rigmarole of, like, "You're afraid to commit" 574 00:28:52,704 --> 00:28:55,456 and it's like "No, I just don't wanna commit to you." 575 00:28:55,457 --> 00:28:57,919 But I can't say that, because that's, like, mean on top of mean. 576 00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,808 You know, so it's "No, no, no. It's not you, it's me. 577 00:28:59,809 --> 00:29:02,944 I don't like you." 578 00:29:02,945 --> 00:29:04,768 - You know, like that. - Yeah, that's harsh. 579 00:29:04,769 --> 00:29:06,400 - That's harsh, right You can't say that. - That's pretty harsh. 580 00:29:06,401 --> 00:29:08,928 So instead I'd rather just say something like... 581 00:29:08,929 --> 00:29:10,239 "I fucked your sister." 582 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,703 - Much better. - Well, it's honest. 583 00:29:12,704 --> 00:29:15,200 You have to fuck the sister in order for it to work. 584 00:29:15,201 --> 00:29:17,119 - It's like I'd rather... - Be the bad guy than tell the truth. 585 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,277 - See. You get it. - Oh, yeah. But I'm psychotic. 586 00:29:22,145 --> 00:29:24,224 But like an approachable psychotic. 587 00:29:24,225 --> 00:29:26,719 - That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier. - You like it? 588 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,928 Yeah, it's like... it's like Ted Bundy, you know. 589 00:29:28,929 --> 00:29:31,423 You can't get him into a van by just being a jerk. 590 00:29:31,424 --> 00:29:32,575 You've got to have a certain... 591 00:29:32,576 --> 00:29:34,656 ...way about you. 592 00:29:34,657 --> 00:29:37,119 - Appetite? - That would be... that would be something. 593 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,296 - Yes, yes, yes. - I'm hungry again. 594 00:29:39,297 --> 00:29:41,087 Already? 595 00:29:41,088 --> 00:29:43,871 Well, you know, that's Dim Sum for you. 596 00:29:43,872 --> 00:29:44,992 - I have snacks... I have snacks at home. - Yeah. 597 00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:47,359 I have, uh, this is actually... This is my train. 598 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,672 - What here? Oh, yeah, yeah. - So... 599 00:29:48,673 --> 00:29:49,952 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Alright. 600 00:29:49,953 --> 00:29:51,839 So, I'll probably gonna hit the road. 601 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,143 - Yeah. - Jake, thank you. 602 00:29:54,144 --> 00:29:56,352 - Yeah. - Oh. 603 00:29:56,353 --> 00:29:58,847 Hey, this was a... We did it. That was a good date. 604 00:29:58,848 --> 00:30:01,472 - We did the date. - You know, I think it was the first... 605 00:30:01,473 --> 00:30:03,071 I think it might have been the first date I've ever been on 606 00:30:03,072 --> 00:30:04,159 so I don't really have much to compare it to 607 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,375 but, you know, it seemed solid. 608 00:30:05,376 --> 00:30:06,368 - Good. - Yeah. 609 00:30:06,369 --> 00:30:08,511 - Okay. - Yeah. 610 00:30:08,512 --> 00:30:10,015 Shit. 611 00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:12,224 What? 612 00:30:12,225 --> 00:30:14,677 I, uh, I want to fuck you. 613 00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:16,191 - What? - I know. 614 00:30:16,192 --> 00:30:17,824 - No! - What do you mean no? 615 00:30:17,825 --> 00:30:20,639 What? What? What did I do? 616 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,207 - Stop wanting to. - I mean, are you kidding me? 617 00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:23,680 It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you. 618 00:30:23,681 --> 00:30:25,824 I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable 619 00:30:25,825 --> 00:30:27,583 and it's just like you might as well be wearing a sign that says 620 00:30:27,584 --> 00:30:28,671 "Solve my problems with your penis, Jake." 621 00:30:28,672 --> 00:30:31,167 Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about 622 00:30:31,168 --> 00:30:33,439 how we screw up every sexual relationship we've ever have. 623 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:37,344 I know, I... I right. I mean, and yet here I am like wanting... just now. 624 00:30:37,345 --> 00:30:39,872 So, maybe... we gotta just be friends. 625 00:30:39,873 --> 00:30:43,935 Yes, that is the mature, responsible thing to do, uh... 626 00:30:43,936 --> 00:30:46,239 ...for each other and ourselves, yes I agree. 627 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:47,775 Okay, but then we've got to come up with a system. 628 00:30:47,776 --> 00:30:49,279 - If we're gonna be friends, you know... - Okay. 629 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,039 - And I want to be good friends... - It's fair. 630 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:54,943 So, maybe we come up with a safe word 631 00:30:54,944 --> 00:30:57,119 for if we're having sexual tension and then we'll stop whatever... 632 00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:58,144 So, if you're doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy. 633 00:30:58,145 --> 00:31:00,319 - Or feeling attracted. - Okay, but it's mutual? 634 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:01,599 - So it is mutual? - The word. 635 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:02,911 You're saying it's mutual? 636 00:31:02,912 --> 00:31:04,799 - It could be mutual. - That's a yes. 637 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:06,655 - I may or may not need to use the word. - That's a yes. 638 00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:07,744 - We'll have to see in the future... - Hmm. Okay, alright. 639 00:31:07,745 --> 00:31:09,792 Well, let's... well, alright. Say, uh, say it for me. 640 00:31:09,793 --> 00:31:10,881 - Uh, yeah. Anything. - Let's go, come up with one. What you got. 641 00:31:10,882 --> 00:31:13,088 I'll do anything. What do you... You pick it, and yes. 642 00:31:13,089 --> 00:31:14,527 - It's Avocado. - No. Can't do that. 643 00:31:14,528 --> 00:31:17,152 - No. It's an immediate veto? - No, no, no. 644 00:31:17,153 --> 00:31:18,879 Well, I mean, it's too sexual. It's too sexual. Uh... 645 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,087 - "Avocado" is too sexual? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 646 00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:23,647 I mean... I mean you've got to see the way I eat an avocado and you'll be like... 647 00:31:23,648 --> 00:31:25,248 That's like... You know, do that to me. 648 00:31:25,249 --> 00:31:28,672 - It's like Guam. - Guam? Like the country Guam? No! 649 00:31:28,673 --> 00:31:30,687 No, I knew a girl whose father was from Guam 650 00:31:30,688 --> 00:31:32,703 and she literally had one of the best natural bodies 651 00:31:32,704 --> 00:31:33,568 I've ever seen in my life. 652 00:31:33,569 --> 00:31:34,814 Noodle salad. 653 00:31:34,815 --> 00:31:36,287 "Noodle salad?" that's a sex thing. 654 00:31:36,288 --> 00:31:37,342 - That's a... that's... - What? 655 00:31:37,343 --> 00:31:39,072 That's a bunch of guys putting 656 00:31:39,073 --> 00:31:40,223 flaccid dicks into someone's mouth. 657 00:31:40,224 --> 00:31:41,408 That's... that's called a noddle salad. 658 00:31:41,409 --> 00:31:43,391 That is not a thing. 659 00:31:43,392 --> 00:31:46,368 I mean it absolutely is a thing. I know it's a thing. 660 00:31:46,369 --> 00:31:49,984 - Go to noodlesalad.org... - Now, I feel like you're just trying to find problems. 661 00:31:49,985 --> 00:31:51,936 I would make the argument that you are just suggesting 662 00:31:51,937 --> 00:31:54,559 only things that can only be perceived as sexual. 663 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:56,863 - So, okay, so it needs to be more violent. - Mm-hmm, something extra. 664 00:31:56,864 --> 00:31:57,920 - Yeah, I mean... - Dick in a mousetrap! 665 00:31:57,921 --> 00:31:59,263 Yikes! What is that? 666 00:31:59,264 --> 00:32:00,479 - Oh! - That's awful! 667 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:01,376 - You don't like it. - No! 668 00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:02,591 - That's the one. - What? Are you kid... 669 00:32:02,592 --> 00:32:04,384 We'll shorten it to mousetrap. 670 00:32:04,385 --> 00:32:06,463 - Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. - Mousetrap? Alright. 671 00:32:06,464 --> 00:32:07,584 - Uh-oh. - Goodbye. 672 00:32:07,585 --> 00:32:09,023 I'm going. I'm going for it. 673 00:32:09,024 --> 00:32:10,879 - Yeah. Live on the edge. - Goodnight. 674 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,621 Careful. Bye. 675 00:32:14,112 --> 00:32:16,224 - Bye. - Bye. 676 00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:17,918 ♪ And your face will surely show it ♪ 677 00:32:17,919 --> 00:32:20,447 ♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪♪ 678 00:32:20,448 --> 00:32:21,983 Yeah! 679 00:32:21,984 --> 00:32:23,679 Good singing. Good. Alright, free play. 680 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,471 Everybody play. 681 00:32:25,472 --> 00:32:26,623 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 682 00:32:26,624 --> 00:32:28,160 Hey, Lyle, no, no, no, no. 683 00:32:28,161 --> 00:32:30,239 No. Alexander had the ball first. 684 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,927 Here we go. Why did you take it from him? 685 00:32:32,928 --> 00:32:36,384 Hey, no. We've gotta use your words. We don't do that. 686 00:32:36,385 --> 00:32:39,168 One of my students reminds me of you. 687 00:32:39,169 --> 00:32:41,238 He's devastatingly handsome? 688 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:44,064 He reminds me of us. 689 00:32:44,065 --> 00:32:46,496 He has no one to play with and gets angry. 690 00:32:46,497 --> 00:32:48,192 So, nobody wants to play with him 691 00:32:48,193 --> 00:32:50,197 'cause he's angry all the time. 692 00:32:51,167 --> 00:32:52,383 No dates, huh? 693 00:32:52,384 --> 00:32:55,039 Haven't met anyone. I've been busy. 694 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:57,440 Studying for the MCATs, you know. You? 695 00:32:57,441 --> 00:32:59,637 Nothing. Nada. 696 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,975 Have you texted Voldemort? 697 00:33:02,976 --> 00:33:05,024 Trying to distract myself. 698 00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:08,736 Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something. 699 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:11,360 Oof, mousetrap. 700 00:33:11,361 --> 00:33:14,783 You should text me what you want to text him. 701 00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,960 "I miss your cock in my mouth. 702 00:33:16,961 --> 00:33:19,454 "I miss the way you feel on top of me. 703 00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:22,239 I miss making you cum." 704 00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,151 Whoa, since when are you a porn star with killer grammar? 705 00:33:25,152 --> 00:33:27,038 That's how I text with him. 706 00:33:27,039 --> 00:33:29,088 Okay, well you're sending porn star vibes 707 00:33:29,089 --> 00:33:30,815 instead of Lainey vibes. 708 00:33:30,816 --> 00:33:32,480 You're one to talk. 709 00:33:32,481 --> 00:33:33,536 You're a completely different guy with me 710 00:33:33,537 --> 00:33:34,719 than with other ladies. 711 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,160 That's not true. 712 00:33:36,161 --> 00:33:37,183 If you want someone to fall for you 713 00:33:37,184 --> 00:33:38,207 you gotta be you. 714 00:33:38,208 --> 00:33:39,968 Yeah, I don't think I like me enough 715 00:33:39,969 --> 00:33:41,919 to introduce him to other people. 716 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:42,966 Night. 717 00:33:49,856 --> 00:33:51,606 That was fun. 718 00:33:54,464 --> 00:33:56,436 - Goodnight. - Goodnight. 719 00:34:04,575 --> 00:34:06,933 [indistinct chattering] 720 00:34:24,288 --> 00:34:27,488 ♪ Treat me like a fool ♪ 721 00:34:27,489 --> 00:34:31,136 ♪ Treat me mean and cruel ♪ 722 00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:33,909 ♪ But love me ♪ 723 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,031 ♪ Wring my faithful heart ♪ 724 00:34:40,032 --> 00:34:43,391 ♪ Tear it all apart ♪ 725 00:34:43,392 --> 00:34:47,061 ♪ But love me ♪ 726 00:34:49,504 --> 00:34:50,527 ♪ I would beg ♪ 727 00:34:50,528 --> 00:34:55,232 ♪ And steal ♪ 728 00:34:55,233 --> 00:35:00,725 ♪ Just to feel ♪ 729 00:35:01,856 --> 00:35:06,805 ♪ Your heart ♪ 730 00:35:07,968 --> 00:35:10,527 ♪ Beatin' close to mine ♪ 731 00:35:10,528 --> 00:35:13,216 [panting] 732 00:35:13,217 --> 00:35:17,439 ♪ Well if you ever go ♪ 733 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,263 ♪ Darling I'll be ♪ 734 00:35:19,264 --> 00:35:22,847 ♪ Oh so lonely ♪♪ 735 00:35:22,848 --> 00:35:25,311 He looked so normal. 736 00:35:25,312 --> 00:35:27,264 Like he hadn't even noticed that we stopped sleeping together. 737 00:35:27,265 --> 00:35:28,800 No, no. He noticed. 738 00:35:28,801 --> 00:35:30,782 He's just not thinking about it the same way, you know. 739 00:35:30,783 --> 00:35:32,446 Right. Right, great. 740 00:35:32,447 --> 00:35:34,814 I'm a guilty slut and he gets to be a... 741 00:35:34,815 --> 00:35:37,599 ...you know, heartless alpha male who fucking jogs! 742 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:39,007 No! That's not it at all. 743 00:35:39,008 --> 00:35:41,151 To Sobvechik, you're like... 744 00:35:41,152 --> 00:35:43,166 ...you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party, you know. 745 00:35:43,167 --> 00:35:44,768 Like in a second he has to make a decision. 746 00:35:44,769 --> 00:35:47,198 Do I go home now, or cancel everything tomorrow? 747 00:35:47,199 --> 00:35:49,726 You know, no pre-meditation means no post-meditation. 748 00:35:49,727 --> 00:35:51,584 It's not like months from now he's thinking 749 00:35:51,585 --> 00:35:54,078 "Oh gosh, I... I wonder how crack is doing?" 750 00:35:54,079 --> 00:35:56,576 Or... or "I hope cocaine isn't mad at me." 751 00:35:56,577 --> 00:35:57,918 You know, no dude thinks like that. 752 00:35:57,919 --> 00:35:59,230 Except Aaron Sorkin. 753 00:35:59,231 --> 00:36:00,768 Are you saying I'm crack cocaine? 754 00:36:00,769 --> 00:36:02,463 Yeah. Don't sell yourself short. 755 00:36:02,464 --> 00:36:03,518 We wouldn't have "The West Wing" without you. 756 00:36:03,519 --> 00:36:06,207 Ohh! What is wrong with me? 757 00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:07,808 Nothing's wrong with you. Are you kidding me? 758 00:36:07,809 --> 00:36:10,815 You're great. I mean, your funny, you're sexy, you're... 759 00:36:10,816 --> 00:36:13,214 ...cool, like... Oh! 760 00:36:13,215 --> 00:36:15,263 What? You run out of compliments. 761 00:36:15,264 --> 00:36:17,566 Yeah. No. Uh, do you remember that girl Renee? 762 00:36:17,567 --> 00:36:19,071 Had a spectacular time with you last night. 763 00:36:19,072 --> 00:36:21,983 I'm at lunch. Just tried calling you. 764 00:36:21,984 --> 00:36:24,351 Have you ever thought about taking a road trip? 765 00:36:24,352 --> 00:36:26,335 At least respond so I know you're alive and okay. 766 00:36:26,336 --> 00:36:28,064 GIF of a panda dancing! 767 00:36:28,065 --> 00:36:29,119 Seriously, are you okay? 768 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,368 I was on the subway, did you text me? 769 00:36:30,369 --> 00:36:32,352 Fuck me then ignore me. Nice one, Jake! 770 00:36:32,353 --> 00:36:34,910 Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi. 771 00:36:34,911 --> 00:36:36,991 I have chlamydia. Okay, I was joking! 772 00:36:36,992 --> 00:36:38,560 I do have HPV though 773 00:36:38,561 --> 00:36:40,510 and I hope it's the one that gives you dick cancer. 774 00:36:40,511 --> 00:36:43,456 Emoji of a heart. XXX Renee. 775 00:36:43,457 --> 00:36:45,280 Well, that's sort of normal. 776 00:36:45,281 --> 00:36:46,751 You actively stalked someone today 777 00:36:46,752 --> 00:36:49,088 your perception of normal might be a little skewed, my dear. 778 00:36:49,089 --> 00:36:50,784 - Okay, you slept with her. - Mm-hmm. 779 00:36:50,785 --> 00:36:53,055 - Rocked her face. - Mm-hmm. 780 00:36:53,056 --> 00:36:54,495 - Yes, with my body. - You didn't call her. 781 00:36:54,496 --> 00:36:56,352 I lost my phone in a cab. 782 00:36:56,353 --> 00:36:59,680 - And you unleashed her Khaleesi. - Yeah. Wait. 783 00:36:59,681 --> 00:37:00,767 You mean like "Game of Thrones" Khaleesi? 784 00:37:00,768 --> 00:37:05,535 Yes. Either A, we make multiple babies with you. 785 00:37:05,536 --> 00:37:08,415 Or B, we cut your dick off. 786 00:37:08,416 --> 00:37:11,872 Jesus. I... I've got my fingers crossed out here for an option C. 787 00:37:11,873 --> 00:37:14,783 C, you appease her. 788 00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:16,960 And how do you appease your Khaleesi? 789 00:37:16,961 --> 00:37:19,477 I spend about a month's rent on this. 790 00:37:22,465 --> 00:37:24,767 - What do you think? - Yeah. 791 00:37:24,768 --> 00:37:27,071 I mean, you should definitely wear stuff over it. 792 00:37:27,072 --> 00:37:29,845 Nice neg. Mousetrap. 793 00:37:35,264 --> 00:37:38,687 ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪ 794 00:37:38,688 --> 00:37:43,040 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪ 795 00:37:43,041 --> 00:37:46,046 Hey, you've reached Lainey. Leave a message. 796 00:37:46,047 --> 00:37:48,062 Hey dude, it's me. I haven't heard from you in a while. 797 00:37:48,063 --> 00:37:49,855 So I'm gonna guess you either finally fucked Jake 798 00:37:49,856 --> 00:37:51,935 or you got into med school 799 00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:53,759 either way, mazel tov. 800 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:55,519 Happy Hanukkah. Wherever the fuck you're into. 801 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:56,928 Okay, call me back. Seriously Call me back. 802 00:37:56,929 --> 00:37:58,400 Just pick a TV and we'll get out of here. 803 00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:00,575 - So tell me what happened. - Oh, right. 804 00:38:00,576 --> 00:38:02,688 Okay, yeah, so, uh, I've been seeing this girl Thea, alright? 805 00:38:02,689 --> 00:38:03,711 Uh, she's Black. 806 00:38:03,712 --> 00:38:05,919 - And... - Wait stop. 807 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,788 Does this story end with you doing something super racist? 808 00:38:09,152 --> 00:38:10,463 Oh, my God. No! 809 00:38:10,464 --> 00:38:13,982 Why are you telling me she's Black? 810 00:38:13,983 --> 00:38:17,237 I don't know. I... I'm just trying to give you a mental picture that's all. 811 00:38:17,856 --> 00:38:21,344 Okay. Racist. Keep going. 812 00:38:21,345 --> 00:38:23,359 Okay. Well, we go see a movie. During the day. 813 00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:25,694 And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous 814 00:38:25,695 --> 00:38:28,927 but I do what we talked about. I do not sleep with her. 815 00:38:28,928 --> 00:38:31,231 You're so strong. I'm so proud. 816 00:38:31,232 --> 00:38:33,728 Hey. Not all of us can remain celibate for a year, alright? 817 00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:35,839 I'm just waiting for the right guy. 818 00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:38,719 The white guy? Whose racist now? 819 00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:40,959 - The right guy. - Oh, the right guy. 820 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,072 Oh, the one you waited for 10 years. That right guy? 821 00:38:43,073 --> 00:38:44,832 You know, he's married now, that one? 822 00:38:44,833 --> 00:38:45,823 What're we doing in this aisle? 823 00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,287 Can I finish my story please? 824 00:38:48,288 --> 00:38:51,263 I wait 4 days and then I call her and we go out again. 825 00:38:51,264 --> 00:38:53,376 - Mm-hmm. - Alright. No, sex. 826 00:38:53,377 --> 00:38:55,039 I mean, we hook up but I don't, like, 827 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:56,030 finger her or anything. 828 00:38:56,031 --> 00:38:57,023 Awesome. 829 00:38:57,024 --> 00:38:58,046 So I call her last night 830 00:38:58,047 --> 00:38:59,262 and I'm like 831 00:38:59,263 --> 00:39:00,223 "Hey, do you wanna go see 832 00:39:00,224 --> 00:39:01,022 the new Wes Anderson movie?" 833 00:39:01,023 --> 00:39:02,624 Ugh! 834 00:39:02,625 --> 00:39:04,511 What? Well, and then she's like... 835 00:39:04,512 --> 00:39:06,559 Jake, what are you doing? 836 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:09,375 And I'm like, "Oh, of course Wes Anderson is a such a stupid 837 00:39:09,376 --> 00:39:11,326 white guy thing to suggest," you know. 838 00:39:11,327 --> 00:39:13,695 - Okay, racist. And also dumb. Yes. - Mm-hmm. 839 00:39:13,696 --> 00:39:15,166 You two need any help? 840 00:39:15,167 --> 00:39:16,639 Uh, no, no, we're good. 841 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:18,366 She just takes a while to make a decision. 842 00:39:18,367 --> 00:39:20,096 - I do. - Yeah, you got it. Yeah. 843 00:39:20,097 --> 00:39:22,110 So I'm like "Well do you wanna go see something else?" 844 00:39:22,111 --> 00:39:23,102 And then she says... 845 00:39:23,103 --> 00:39:25,247 Why haven't we had sex yet? 846 00:39:25,248 --> 00:39:26,240 Do you just want to be friends? 847 00:39:26,241 --> 00:39:29,151 'Cause honestly I have enough friends. 848 00:39:29,152 --> 00:39:31,124 Where are you right now? 849 00:39:32,032 --> 00:39:33,460 [both groaning] 850 00:39:33,919 --> 00:39:36,052 Oh, my God! 851 00:39:38,497 --> 00:39:39,989 [gasping] 852 00:39:41,664 --> 00:39:43,166 Oh! 853 00:39:43,167 --> 00:39:44,799 That was awesome. 854 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,196 Oh, my God. 855 00:39:46,911 --> 00:39:48,820 Oh, golly... 856 00:39:49,856 --> 00:39:52,767 Oh, sorry if I was too noisy, but that was like... 857 00:39:52,768 --> 00:39:54,398 I don't know what got into me. 858 00:39:54,399 --> 00:39:55,445 Hey. 859 00:39:55,999 --> 00:39:57,972 Did you, uh... 860 00:39:58,591 --> 00:40:00,191 - No. - Oh. 861 00:40:00,192 --> 00:40:02,048 But don't take it personally. 862 00:40:02,049 --> 00:40:04,181 I don't orgasm during sex that much. 863 00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:08,318 So? Lots of women don't cum during sex. 864 00:40:08,319 --> 00:40:11,392 So? No, no, no. That has never happened to me before. 865 00:40:11,393 --> 00:40:12,704 What positions did you do? 866 00:40:12,705 --> 00:40:14,303 Um. No. We did everything. 867 00:40:14,304 --> 00:40:15,007 But, what's your favorite position? 868 00:40:15,008 --> 00:40:17,407 I don't know. The regular one? 869 00:40:17,408 --> 00:40:20,447 The regular. Come on. 870 00:40:20,448 --> 00:40:22,782 - From behind. - Exactly. Because you hate your dad. 871 00:40:22,783 --> 00:40:24,446 Oh, my God. 872 00:40:24,447 --> 00:40:25,632 Mousetrap! 873 00:40:25,633 --> 00:40:27,134 - All set. - Hmm. 874 00:40:27,135 --> 00:40:29,311 And can I just say, we think you two 875 00:40:29,312 --> 00:40:32,191 are the coolest married couple ever. 876 00:40:32,192 --> 00:40:33,919 - That's... We don't get that enough. - So sweet. 877 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:34,815 - Thank you. - That's really sweet. 878 00:40:34,816 --> 00:40:36,000 - Yeah. Happy holidays. - Let's go, hon. 879 00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:37,312 Happy holidays. Yes. 880 00:40:37,313 --> 00:40:39,103 I will just meet you out by, uh, our minivan. 881 00:40:39,104 --> 00:40:40,574 - I'll meet you out front. - Okay, great. 882 00:40:40,575 --> 00:40:41,824 - I'll have to move the car seat. - Mm-hmm. 883 00:40:41,825 --> 00:40:43,710 - And then there will be plenty of room. - A whole thing. 884 00:40:43,711 --> 00:40:45,566 Bye. 885 00:40:45,567 --> 00:40:47,775 Car seat? We already have a kid? 886 00:40:47,776 --> 00:40:50,078 You know, it's just like... When do you orgasm? 887 00:40:50,079 --> 00:40:51,072 You know what, when does it happen to you? 888 00:40:51,073 --> 00:40:53,919 - When I'm with Matthew. - Yeah, yeah, okay. 889 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:54,965 That's it. 890 00:40:56,127 --> 00:40:58,014 That's it? 891 00:40:58,015 --> 00:40:59,710 Okay, well, that just explained everything. 892 00:40:59,711 --> 00:41:03,711 That... that's... I mean you haven't had an orgasm in a year. 893 00:41:03,712 --> 00:41:06,847 Come on, that's bullshit. Not even when you masturbate? 894 00:41:06,848 --> 00:41:08,894 Lainey, you've got to be kidding me! 895 00:41:08,895 --> 00:41:10,878 What you don't mastur... Why not? 896 00:41:10,879 --> 00:41:13,663 What... I don't kno... I mean, I've tried to! 897 00:41:13,664 --> 00:41:16,928 I try. I just, I don't know, I... I... 898 00:41:16,929 --> 00:41:18,526 - I get bored. - Bored? 899 00:41:18,527 --> 00:41:21,151 - But I feel good when I'm with Matthew. - How's that boring? 900 00:41:21,152 --> 00:41:23,231 I don't... I don't know. I don't know how to recreate that myself. 901 00:41:23,232 --> 00:41:25,568 Okay. Well, fuck the TV. 902 00:41:25,569 --> 00:41:26,910 I'm gonna teach you how to finger yourself today. 903 00:41:26,911 --> 00:41:28,862 Right now, okay? 904 00:41:28,863 --> 00:41:31,807 - What? - It's... it's go time, sister. 905 00:41:31,808 --> 00:41:34,462 - Alright. Let's go. Alright. - Okay. 906 00:41:34,463 --> 00:41:35,582 - No, no. This is a good thing. - Oh, boy. 907 00:41:35,583 --> 00:41:36,798 It's about time. Get it out. 908 00:41:36,799 --> 00:41:38,078 - Okay. - I'm excited. 909 00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:40,063 For the purposes of today's tutorial 910 00:41:40,064 --> 00:41:41,983 your vagina will be played by this 911 00:41:41,984 --> 00:41:43,999 former bottle of green tea. 912 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,438 - Looks just like it. - Okay. Good to know. 913 00:41:45,439 --> 00:41:46,366 So, here's what we do. 914 00:41:46,367 --> 00:41:48,638 First thing, you take, uh, take this guy... 915 00:41:48,639 --> 00:41:50,590 ...this, uh, index finger and you're gonna just, uh 916 00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:52,478 slide in there... like that, okay? 917 00:41:52,479 --> 00:41:53,408 And you're gonna curve it up a little bit 918 00:41:53,409 --> 00:41:55,583 and I want you to tap the roof like that. 919 00:41:55,584 --> 00:41:57,886 You see that? That's your G Spot alright, you got that? 920 00:41:57,887 --> 00:41:59,359 - Yeah. I'll check it out. - Okay, good. 921 00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:01,087 Alright, now, next move, alright, you're gonna take 922 00:42:01,088 --> 00:42:03,007 the middle finger here, alright? And you know, the bad boy, right? 923 00:42:03,008 --> 00:42:04,543 You're gonna have to pop that in as well 924 00:42:04,544 --> 00:42:06,046 and you're gonna have that one tapping the roof 925 00:42:06,047 --> 00:42:08,318 and then this one, the middle finger is going to be 926 00:42:08,319 --> 00:42:11,647 you know, sort of circling, uh, this, uh, just like fleshy gap area. 927 00:42:11,648 --> 00:42:13,598 - My cervix? Jesus. - Yeah, sure. 928 00:42:13,599 --> 00:42:15,806 Okay, y-you know what it's called. Wonderful. Good for you. 929 00:42:15,807 --> 00:42:17,599 Okay, yes, so you're gonna go after the cervix here. 930 00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:19,839 So you're gonna mind the gap, right, tap the roof. 931 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:22,943 - "Mind the gap. Tap the roof." - You got it. 932 00:42:22,944 --> 00:42:25,343 Alright, now, at this point you wanna start thinking about something, uh, arousing. 933 00:42:25,344 --> 00:42:27,103 You know, like, uh, maybe you wanna think about 934 00:42:27,104 --> 00:42:28,927 the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps. 935 00:42:28,928 --> 00:42:30,592 - Gross. - Okay, and then you're gonna start to get wet. 936 00:42:30,593 --> 00:42:31,583 You're gonna start to get wet 937 00:42:31,584 --> 00:42:33,886 and then you're gonna start to feel some, uh... 938 00:42:33,887 --> 00:42:35,838 ...contractions in your vagina, alright? 939 00:42:35,839 --> 00:42:38,078 At that point you're gonna wanna squeeze your vagina harder 940 00:42:38,079 --> 00:42:40,191 than it wants to go, okay. 941 00:42:40,192 --> 00:42:42,143 - And that's called... - Kegeling. 942 00:42:42,144 --> 00:42:44,383 Well, it's pronounced "Kee-gul-ing," but it doesn't matter. 943 00:42:44,384 --> 00:42:45,470 Uh, I got into med school! 944 00:42:45,471 --> 00:42:47,711 I think I know how it's pronounced. 945 00:42:47,712 --> 00:42:49,503 What? You did? You didn't tell me that. 946 00:42:49,504 --> 00:42:51,518 Oh yeah. I got in, uh, Michigan. 947 00:42:51,519 --> 00:42:55,103 - Wow! Lane, that's great. - I know. 948 00:42:55,104 --> 00:42:57,151 Alright. 949 00:42:57,152 --> 00:42:59,838 Well, uh, are you... I mean, are you gonna go? What are you thinking? 950 00:42:59,839 --> 00:43:01,887 Well, I... I mean, I have until the end of the summer to decide. 951 00:43:01,888 --> 00:43:03,006 - So, I just... - Mm-hmm. 952 00:43:03,007 --> 00:43:05,119 - Keep going! - Oh, right. Yeah, um... 953 00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,038 Okay, yeah, da, da, da. Okay, let's see. 954 00:43:07,039 --> 00:43:09,375 So, uh, do you know what a dirty DJ is? 955 00:43:09,376 --> 00:43:10,846 - No. - You don't? Okay, great. 956 00:43:10,847 --> 00:43:13,119 Okay, so the biggest misconception that guys 957 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,326 have about the clitoris, uh, if they can find it 958 00:43:15,327 --> 00:43:17,214 - is that they're too nice to it. Okay? - Mm-hmm. 959 00:43:17,215 --> 00:43:18,208 Like... that's the problem. 960 00:43:18,209 --> 00:43:20,830 I mean, you know, the trick is to be a little 961 00:43:20,831 --> 00:43:21,919 rude to the clitoris, okay? 962 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,007 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 963 00:43:23,008 --> 00:43:25,630 Just go to town on this little motherfucker right here. 964 00:43:25,631 --> 00:43:26,687 You just... like you just... Tweet, tweet, tweet. 965 00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:27,839 You know, so that's the dirty DJ. 966 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,087 You know, like you're scratching a record. You know, this... 967 00:43:29,088 --> 00:43:31,412 Tweet tweet tweet. 968 00:43:32,063 --> 00:43:33,503 Let... let... let the drummer... 969 00:43:33,504 --> 00:43:36,254 Let... let... let the drummer get wicked, right? 970 00:43:36,255 --> 00:43:37,566 And you just really wanna work that little bugger. 971 00:43:37,567 --> 00:43:39,679 You know, remember like the old IBM ThinkPads? 972 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,343 - Mm-hmm. - And that little nub. Right? 973 00:43:41,344 --> 00:43:43,166 Okay, so you just really go after it like that. 974 00:43:43,167 --> 00:43:44,382 - Just like this. Yeah. - Yeah. 975 00:43:44,383 --> 00:43:47,231 Right, so, uh, you have that that's... that's phase three. 976 00:43:47,232 --> 00:43:49,631 - Mm-hmm. - So, again, you know... Yeah, perfect. 977 00:43:49,632 --> 00:43:51,742 - Natural. Okay? Yeah, so tap the roof. - I know. 978 00:43:51,743 --> 00:43:53,983 Mind the gap. Oh, see. Okay, yeah. Work all three. 979 00:43:53,984 --> 00:43:55,934 - He's there. - Look at that. It's like you're doing... 980 00:43:55,935 --> 00:43:57,470 - Right there. - Oh boy, oh boy. 981 00:43:57,471 --> 00:44:00,446 It's like, I feel like Anne Sullivan teaching 982 00:44:00,447 --> 00:44:02,399 Helen Keller about water and everything else is amazing. 983 00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:03,518 - What a breakthrough! - Mm-hmm. 984 00:44:03,519 --> 00:44:04,511 - Yeah, that's it. - Like that? 985 00:44:04,512 --> 00:44:05,950 Yeah, you know, just take a night 986 00:44:05,951 --> 00:44:08,895 crack open a bottle of rose and... 987 00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:11,358 ...just have multiple orgasms. 988 00:44:11,359 --> 00:44:14,325 If you want, you know... You know... 989 00:44:17,727 --> 00:44:19,999 Uh, primatologists actually believed that... that 990 00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:24,415 women evolved this way so that, uh... 991 00:44:24,416 --> 00:44:27,603 ...they could mate with as many men in one session as possible. 992 00:44:28,608 --> 00:44:30,463 - Fucking awesome. You know that's... - Yeah. 993 00:44:30,464 --> 00:44:34,047 - That's neat. - Multiple orgasms for multiple partners, you know. 994 00:44:34,048 --> 00:44:36,063 Sure, yeah. 995 00:44:36,064 --> 00:44:38,814 Gang bangs, and such. 996 00:44:38,815 --> 00:44:40,244 Yeah. 997 00:44:42,495 --> 00:44:44,511 - I'm gonna go home. - Yeah. Me too. 998 00:44:44,512 --> 00:44:46,270 - No, no. You live here. - Yes I do! 999 00:44:46,271 --> 00:44:47,263 - Okay. - Bye! 1000 00:44:47,264 --> 00:44:48,287 - Bye now. - Thank you. 1001 00:44:48,288 --> 00:44:49,717 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1002 00:44:52,383 --> 00:44:54,142 I think... I think it's a little bit weird 1003 00:44:54,143 --> 00:44:55,295 that a straight dude had to tell you all that. 1004 00:44:55,296 --> 00:44:57,406 I think it's sort of great. 1005 00:44:57,407 --> 00:44:59,679 I mean, he's... he's actually dating. He's not cheating. 1006 00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,142 And I... and I hardly think about Matthew. Like ever. 1007 00:45:02,143 --> 00:45:03,967 Yeah, 'cause you're in a relationship with each other. 1008 00:45:03,968 --> 00:45:05,759 No, we're not. 1009 00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,327 Oh, you're not out there! 1010 00:45:07,328 --> 00:45:09,630 I mean, this Jake guy is taking up emotional 1011 00:45:09,631 --> 00:45:12,479 real estate that could be occupied by a real option, okay? 1012 00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:13,759 You leased the space out to Matthew. 1013 00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:15,423 Rent free I might add. 1014 00:45:15,424 --> 00:45:17,598 And now, you... you just replaced him with another 1015 00:45:17,599 --> 00:45:21,023 unavailable avoidant breeder you don't fuck. 1016 00:45:21,024 --> 00:45:23,934 - Like where's the fucking... - Hey babe. Sorry, I'm late. 1017 00:45:23,935 --> 00:45:25,246 Look at this little baby face. 1018 00:45:25,247 --> 00:45:27,135 It's beautiful. Oh, my God. 1019 00:45:27,136 --> 00:45:28,799 Very sick in the head though. 1020 00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:30,590 Very sick in the head. 1021 00:45:30,591 --> 00:45:33,278 - How's your fake boyfriend? - Oh, my God! 1022 00:45:33,279 --> 00:45:36,127 - We're just friends! - Men and women can't be friends. 1023 00:45:36,128 --> 00:45:37,439 It's like life 101. Stop lying to yourself. 1024 00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,383 Come one! That's bullshit. It's the 21st century. 1025 00:45:40,384 --> 00:45:42,558 We know that's not true. You and I are friends. 1026 00:45:42,559 --> 00:45:45,023 But sex doesn't get in the way of our friendship. 1027 00:45:45,024 --> 00:45:47,198 I'm not attracted to you. and I have zero penises. 1028 00:45:47,199 --> 00:45:50,014 - I am. - Hi, George. 1029 00:45:50,015 --> 00:45:51,999 - Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend. - What? Oh! 1030 00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:53,663 I like bad girls with daddy issues. 1031 00:45:53,664 --> 00:45:55,390 She's 22, she'll fuck anyone. 1032 00:45:55,391 --> 00:45:57,247 - Wait. I'm sorry, no. - You know. 1033 00:45:57,248 --> 00:46:00,212 Serious, she's probably fucked everyone in here but I don't even care. 1034 00:46:03,456 --> 00:46:05,119 You got a minute? 1035 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,795 Not really. I'm kind of in the middle of something. 1036 00:46:08,511 --> 00:46:10,783 - I was thinking. - Oh, yeah? 1037 00:46:10,784 --> 00:46:13,588 Do you wanna come to Henry's birthday party this weekend? 1038 00:46:14,271 --> 00:46:16,127 - Really? - Yep. 1039 00:46:16,128 --> 00:46:17,950 Xander, in the 8 years I've known you as a father 1040 00:46:17,951 --> 00:46:20,926 you have never once invited me to any function involving your children. 1041 00:46:20,927 --> 00:46:23,358 - Hear me out. I was thinking. - Mm-hmm. 1042 00:46:23,359 --> 00:46:25,342 Maybe you and Lainey... 1043 00:46:25,343 --> 00:46:28,254 Ah, I knew it! No. See, Lainey and I are not dating. 1044 00:46:28,255 --> 00:46:30,558 I know that. I'm not saying you have to date her. 1045 00:46:30,559 --> 00:46:32,062 I'm not saying you have to come as a couple. 1046 00:46:32,063 --> 00:46:34,942 I'm just saying arrive at the party together. 1047 00:46:34,943 --> 00:46:37,183 Come as friends or whatever this fucked up thing you guys have... 1048 00:46:37,184 --> 00:46:39,518 - We're... we're best friends. - No, we're best friends! 1049 00:46:39,519 --> 00:46:41,726 - That's not true. - What? 1050 00:46:41,727 --> 00:46:44,031 Look, she's my best friend and I would say 1051 00:46:44,032 --> 00:46:45,951 by circumstance and certainly duration 1052 00:46:45,952 --> 00:46:47,583 you would be my next best friend. 1053 00:46:47,584 --> 00:46:50,078 Okay, you know what, I'll even allow that. 1054 00:46:50,079 --> 00:46:53,919 - You're my last single friend, I can't have you... - So what? 1055 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:54,974 - Hey. - What are you talking about? 1056 00:46:54,975 --> 00:46:57,310 - Yes. - We have a meeting with group sales in 20. 1057 00:46:57,311 --> 00:46:58,110 - Are you two prepared. - Huh? 1058 00:46:58,111 --> 00:46:59,294 Not at all. 1059 00:46:59,295 --> 00:47:01,567 Should I reschedule the meeting 1060 00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:03,167 when you are ready? 5 or 6 months from now? 1061 00:47:03,168 --> 00:47:04,991 I would make it a cool 7. 1062 00:47:04,992 --> 00:47:06,654 Yeah, 7 at least. 1063 00:47:06,655 --> 00:47:09,311 Shit, I'm not available then. Oh, well, I tried. 1064 00:47:09,312 --> 00:47:10,687 See you in 20? 1065 00:47:10,688 --> 00:47:12,222 You got it, boss. 1066 00:47:12,223 --> 00:47:15,358 - Oh, yeah. Mousetrap - What the fuck is that? 1067 00:47:15,359 --> 00:47:18,302 - That was repartee. - That's... that's exactly why I can't have you at the party. 1068 00:47:18,303 --> 00:47:20,095 Because you have repartee with everybody. 1069 00:47:20,096 --> 00:47:21,855 You love repartee. 1070 00:47:21,856 --> 00:47:23,966 All you want to do is flit around the party 1071 00:47:23,967 --> 00:47:25,821 flirt with the moms. 1072 00:47:25,822 --> 00:47:28,446 And then they all get mad, and then they turn on each other. 1073 00:47:28,447 --> 00:47:31,390 Then they yell at Naomi, then Naomi yells at me. 1074 00:47:31,391 --> 00:47:33,599 Then they won't let their kids play with my kids. 1075 00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,382 Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends. 1076 00:47:36,383 --> 00:47:39,230 I'm raising friendless children because of you. 1077 00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:40,319 - Do you understand? - I... 1078 00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,806 It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation. 1079 00:47:43,807 --> 00:47:47,231 A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps. 1080 00:47:47,232 --> 00:47:51,102 We'll you've spent 10,000 hours fucking my life up. 1081 00:47:51,103 --> 00:47:53,503 - So bring Lainey to the party. - Okay. Fine. 1082 00:47:53,504 --> 00:47:56,446 I will, uh, you know, on behalf of your children and... 1083 00:47:56,447 --> 00:47:58,335 ...and Naomi, I will, uh... 1084 00:47:58,336 --> 00:47:59,455 I'll talk to Lainey and see what we can do. 1085 00:47:59,456 --> 00:48:03,102 Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date. 1086 00:48:03,103 --> 00:48:05,406 I'm just saying, for the first time 1087 00:48:05,407 --> 00:48:07,443 I'm a little bit optimistic... 1088 00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:10,805 ...you might not become that creepy guy. 1089 00:48:11,199 --> 00:48:12,607 But he's got a point. 1090 00:48:12,608 --> 00:48:14,622 I'm gonna be the creepy old dude! 1091 00:48:14,623 --> 00:48:16,735 Like, that's sucks and then what happens 1092 00:48:16,736 --> 00:48:18,815 when my dick doesn't get as hard as it used to, okay. 1093 00:48:18,816 --> 00:48:20,990 'Cause that's gonna happen. It's gonna happen, it's inevitable. 1094 00:48:20,991 --> 00:48:22,654 And... and young chicks don't put up with that shit 1095 00:48:22,655 --> 00:48:24,255 they have no time for that. 1096 00:48:24,256 --> 00:48:26,270 And older women are gonna be 1097 00:48:26,271 --> 00:48:28,478 no way near into my nonsense. Okay? 1098 00:48:28,479 --> 00:48:30,367 Just not into it at all. 1099 00:48:30,368 --> 00:48:31,934 It's... it's at that point, what do I do? 1100 00:48:31,935 --> 00:48:34,047 I just buy the fedora and move to Miami, right? 1101 00:48:34,048 --> 00:48:35,710 Make a golf cart in my own motor transportation. 1102 00:48:35,711 --> 00:48:37,054 I've never seen you like this. I... I... you're spinning. 1103 00:48:37,055 --> 00:48:39,071 - I can't believe it. I mean... - You're spinning, and honestly. 1104 00:48:39,072 --> 00:48:40,126 Get... get lucky and... and happy about... 1105 00:48:40,127 --> 00:48:40,958 Honestly you sound like a woman. 1106 00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:41,886 You know, bachelor, bachelor parties 1107 00:48:41,887 --> 00:48:44,350 for people third marriages. Like, that's... 1108 00:48:44,351 --> 00:48:46,324 What... what is that? That's crazy. 1109 00:48:47,231 --> 00:48:49,278 - It's him. - Him who? 1110 00:48:49,279 --> 00:48:50,462 [cellphone ringing] 1111 00:48:50,463 --> 00:48:52,031 He never calls. He always texts. 1112 00:48:52,032 --> 00:48:53,437 Okay, no! Don't... don't answer that. 1113 00:48:53,438 --> 00:48:54,366 - Jake! Jake! - Don't answer it. No. 1114 00:48:54,367 --> 00:48:55,807 - Give me the phone! - No. Absolutely... 1115 00:48:55,808 --> 00:48:56,640 Lainey, what are you doing? 1116 00:48:56,641 --> 00:48:58,782 Hey, you don't do this anymore, okay? 1117 00:48:58,783 --> 00:48:59,998 Remember? We're okay. 1118 00:48:59,999 --> 00:49:00,928 I'm sorry, yeah. 1119 00:49:00,929 --> 00:49:01,822 You got to breathe. Lainey, please breathe. 1120 00:49:01,823 --> 00:49:04,093 - Is there a problem? - What? Uh, yeah. 1121 00:49:04,094 --> 00:49:05,791 My wife, she's prone to panic attacks. 1122 00:49:05,792 --> 00:49:08,414 It's this guy she's sleeping with. Uh, it's alright. 1123 00:49:08,415 --> 00:49:11,231 Okay, it's... Hey dude get the fuck out of here, I got it. 1124 00:49:11,232 --> 00:49:12,479 - Oh, easy. Alright, alright. - Okay? Thank you. 1125 00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:16,159 I appreciate you concern, Superman! Fly away. 1126 00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:18,847 Baby, just breath, okay? Will you? Okay? 1127 00:49:18,848 --> 00:49:20,543 Okay? Here. Come on, sit down. 1128 00:49:20,544 --> 00:49:22,014 You're gonna be okay. It's alright. 1129 00:49:22,015 --> 00:49:24,606 You just got to breathe. Please. Okay? 1130 00:49:24,607 --> 00:49:26,302 Okay? 1131 00:49:26,303 --> 00:49:28,575 Yeah. There you go. 1132 00:49:28,576 --> 00:49:30,750 Lainey, this is just fear, alright? 1133 00:49:30,751 --> 00:49:34,003 A really, really large dose of fear. 1134 00:49:36,128 --> 00:49:37,598 That's all that's going on. 1135 00:49:37,599 --> 00:49:39,518 A little adrenaline, in a bad way. 1136 00:49:39,519 --> 00:49:41,461 Does that make sense? 1137 00:49:43,102 --> 00:49:44,990 Also... 1138 00:49:44,991 --> 00:49:46,878 ...mousetrap. 1139 00:49:46,879 --> 00:49:49,566 Complete and total mousetrap right now. 1140 00:49:49,567 --> 00:49:52,671 - Oh, my God. - Stop. You're so fucked up. 1141 00:49:52,672 --> 00:49:54,462 I'm fucked up? What are you talking about? 1142 00:49:54,463 --> 00:49:56,639 You... you went Kathy Bates in "Misery" 1143 00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:57,662 in the middle of Central Park. 1144 00:49:57,663 --> 00:50:00,446 You know... come on. Maybe we're both fucked up. 1145 00:50:00,447 --> 00:50:02,527 At least give me that. Come on. You wanna get out of here? 1146 00:50:02,528 --> 00:50:04,926 Yeah, Central Park sucks. 1147 00:50:04,927 --> 00:50:07,487 No, it's... I mean, it's just a goddamn bird toilet anyway. 1148 00:50:07,488 --> 00:50:09,214 You know, it's... ugh! 1149 00:50:09,215 --> 00:50:12,372 Almost done. Just one more. 1150 00:50:14,655 --> 00:50:15,700 [grunts] 1151 00:50:17,504 --> 00:50:19,519 This is the greatest movie ever made. 1152 00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:20,766 Yeah, of course you love it. 1153 00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:22,686 - Look at her. - God I love you. 1154 00:50:22,687 --> 00:50:24,223 That's you, baby. 1155 00:50:24,224 --> 00:50:26,933 I love you! I'm gonna murder you while I love you. 1156 00:50:28,191 --> 00:50:29,887 That's the second time you said that. Hmm. 1157 00:50:29,888 --> 00:50:30,996 Said what? 1158 00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,438 You called me baby just now. 1159 00:50:33,439 --> 00:50:36,286 And you said it the other day too. 1160 00:50:36,287 --> 00:50:37,822 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 1161 00:50:37,823 --> 00:50:39,167 No, I mean, it was a total accident. 1162 00:50:39,168 --> 00:50:40,158 - I don't... - That's okay. 1163 00:50:40,159 --> 00:50:42,516 - I don't know why I would... - Oh. 1164 00:50:43,424 --> 00:50:45,396 - Yeah. - Oh. 1165 00:50:51,967 --> 00:50:54,100 [indistinct chattering on TV] 1166 00:50:55,936 --> 00:50:57,909 Do you want talk about it? 1167 00:51:00,704 --> 00:51:02,068 Talk about what? 1168 00:51:03,519 --> 00:51:06,451 We're not a couple bur we act like one. 1169 00:51:12,319 --> 00:51:13,502 Yeah. 1170 00:51:13,503 --> 00:51:16,020 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um... 1171 00:51:17,534 --> 00:51:18,974 I mean, I guess I've been... 1172 00:51:18,975 --> 00:51:20,414 ...putting this conversation off for a while. 1173 00:51:20,415 --> 00:51:22,206 - We don't have to... - No. No. No. It's good. 1174 00:51:22,207 --> 00:51:24,372 It's good. We should. Um... 1175 00:51:26,816 --> 00:51:29,204 Um, okay, well... 1176 00:51:30,944 --> 00:51:33,438 You take this risk... 1177 00:51:33,439 --> 00:51:35,326 ...when you start sleeping with people. 1178 00:51:35,327 --> 00:51:37,150 You know, you, uh... 1179 00:51:37,151 --> 00:51:39,518 ...you risk losing them, right? 1180 00:51:39,519 --> 00:51:42,078 For me, I... you know, I've... never slept with someone 1181 00:51:42,079 --> 00:51:43,988 I wasn't willing to lose. 1182 00:51:46,046 --> 00:51:48,372 Except one time. 1183 00:51:49,311 --> 00:51:51,061 And, um... 1184 00:51:52,672 --> 00:51:57,023 And it... kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan. 1185 00:51:57,024 --> 00:51:58,878 And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay 1186 00:51:58,879 --> 00:52:01,471 because I have no right to, you know, and... 1187 00:52:01,472 --> 00:52:03,102 Oh. 1188 00:52:03,103 --> 00:52:05,470 So I just want to ...spend as much time 1189 00:52:05,471 --> 00:52:08,437 with my best friend as I possibly can. 1190 00:52:09,343 --> 00:52:11,796 Before I lose her again. 1191 00:52:15,072 --> 00:52:16,927 I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know it's like... 1192 00:52:16,928 --> 00:52:19,349 No. You're telling the truth. 1193 00:52:20,959 --> 00:52:23,486 Yeah. 1194 00:52:23,487 --> 00:52:26,751 ♪ All in your arm it is ♪ 1195 00:52:26,752 --> 00:52:29,597 ♪ All in your arms ♪ 1196 00:52:29,598 --> 00:52:32,799 ♪ You look so tired living ♪ 1197 00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:35,935 So what now? 1198 00:52:35,936 --> 00:52:39,582 ♪ Like a kite ♪ 1199 00:52:39,583 --> 00:52:41,502 ♪ Kite ♪ 1200 00:52:41,503 --> 00:52:43,071 ♪ Kite ♪ 1201 00:52:43,072 --> 00:52:46,133 ♪ Kite ♪♪ 1202 00:52:54,239 --> 00:52:56,222 - Hey, I got an idea. - Hmm. 1203 00:52:56,223 --> 00:52:58,708 Will you... 1204 00:53:01,568 --> 00:53:05,022 ...take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party? 1205 00:53:05,023 --> 00:53:08,383 I literally thought you'd never ask. 1206 00:53:08,384 --> 00:53:09,406 You thought I'd never get to this? 1207 00:53:09,407 --> 00:53:11,581 I thought you'd never get to this. 1208 00:53:11,582 --> 00:53:13,183 Where have you been all my life? 1209 00:53:13,184 --> 00:53:14,611 I... 1210 00:53:15,487 --> 00:53:17,662 Right over your shoulder. 1211 00:53:17,663 --> 00:53:19,134 Waiting. 1212 00:53:19,135 --> 00:53:21,502 For the right moment. 1213 00:53:21,503 --> 00:53:22,718 Is that a yes or a no? 1214 00:53:22,719 --> 00:53:23,775 [laughs] 1215 00:53:23,776 --> 00:53:25,725 [doorbell dings] 1216 00:53:25,726 --> 00:53:28,735 - Happy birthday! - Happy birthday! 1217 00:53:28,736 --> 00:53:31,103 Look who it is. Look at this little human here. 1218 00:53:31,104 --> 00:53:32,734 - Hello. Happy birthday. - Hi. Happy birthday! 1219 00:53:32,735 --> 00:53:34,398 - It's you're birthday! - It's you're birthday! 1220 00:53:34,399 --> 00:53:36,127 Actually, it's, uh, it's Henry's. 1221 00:53:36,128 --> 00:53:38,334 - He's seven. She's not seven. - Oh. 1222 00:53:38,335 --> 00:53:39,647 But, you know, I'm so happy you guys are here. 1223 00:53:39,648 --> 00:53:43,039 Oh, my God. Are you guys high? 1224 00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,246 - We're actually rolling. - Ecstasy? 1225 00:53:45,247 --> 00:53:47,261 You know, that's how actually Henry was conceived. 1226 00:53:47,262 --> 00:53:48,702 - No kidding. - Yeah. 1227 00:53:48,703 --> 00:53:50,174 - Well that explains a lot. - Full circle. 1228 00:53:50,175 --> 00:53:52,062 - Yeah. - Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys. 1229 00:53:52,063 --> 00:53:54,621 No offense, but seriously, just... 1230 00:53:54,622 --> 00:53:56,029 - Yeah. - Be safe. You know what I mean. 1231 00:53:56,030 --> 00:53:58,782 - But I'm so happy you guys are here. Okay. - It's so good to see you. 1232 00:53:58,783 --> 00:54:00,734 Oh, transformers guy didn't show up... 1233 00:54:00,735 --> 00:54:03,261 - Are you kidding? - No, no, no. Oh, my God. 1234 00:54:03,262 --> 00:54:04,830 - Just kidding. No. Okay. - It feels soft and smooth. 1235 00:54:04,831 --> 00:54:07,583 No, and so there's a little bit of a meltdown. It's a little bit of a crisis. 1236 00:54:07,584 --> 00:54:09,310 - Hey, here you go. - Oh, is this for Henry? 1237 00:54:09,311 --> 00:54:10,878 - Yeah. - Oh, great. 1238 00:54:10,879 --> 00:54:12,862 He loves New York ladies flip flops. 1239 00:54:12,863 --> 00:54:14,527 Oh, no, no, no. Those are mine. Those are for me. Those are me. 1240 00:54:14,528 --> 00:54:15,199 Sorry, that shouldn't be in there. 1241 00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:15,998 It's just a shitload of candy. 1242 00:54:15,999 --> 00:54:18,494 Great. Okay. Um, that'll be nice. 1243 00:54:18,495 --> 00:54:20,830 - Are those hot pads also for Henry? - Yes. 1244 00:54:20,831 --> 00:54:22,878 - Okay. - Can I just hold them now? 1245 00:54:22,879 --> 00:54:24,445 Sure. Okay, come in. 1246 00:54:24,446 --> 00:54:27,677 Okay, hopefully she goes down for her nap. 1247 00:54:27,678 --> 00:54:30,527 - Okay. Oh, my God. - Oh, man, it's broken. 1248 00:54:30,528 --> 00:54:32,511 - Oh, wow. This is... - That kid has a hose. 1249 00:54:32,512 --> 00:54:34,271 - Oh! - That kid has a hose. 1250 00:54:34,272 --> 00:54:35,422 You guys made it, huh? 1251 00:54:35,423 --> 00:54:38,942 Welcome to the hell scape that is my son's birthday party. 1252 00:54:38,943 --> 00:54:40,543 It's birth control. 1253 00:54:40,544 --> 00:54:42,718 Okay, when I say "Hello," you say "Hi." 1254 00:54:42,719 --> 00:54:44,062 - Hello! - Hi! 1255 00:54:44,063 --> 00:54:45,630 - Hello! - Hi! 1256 00:54:45,631 --> 00:54:48,126 I'm Miss Dalton! So, you say "Hi." 1257 00:54:48,127 --> 00:54:50,621 - Hi, Miss Dalton! - Hi, Miss Dalton! 1258 00:54:50,622 --> 00:54:52,063 Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance! 1259 00:54:52,064 --> 00:54:53,437 - Me! - Yes! 1260 00:54:53,438 --> 00:54:55,070 Okay, everybody go out to the grass. 1261 00:54:55,071 --> 00:54:58,782 I will meet you there. I will be right there. 1262 00:54:58,783 --> 00:55:01,822 Naomi, put on track 7 on my workout mix. 1263 00:55:01,823 --> 00:55:03,742 Wait. Hey, Lainey. You... you don't have to do this. 1264 00:55:03,743 --> 00:55:05,533 It's not your responsibility. 1265 00:55:05,534 --> 00:55:08,638 Okay, relax. I do this for a living. 1266 00:55:08,639 --> 00:55:10,813 Also, 2 minutes ago, I accepted 1267 00:55:10,814 --> 00:55:13,086 my body for the first time. 1268 00:55:13,087 --> 00:55:15,229 - That a girl! - Okay. 1269 00:55:15,230 --> 00:55:18,205 - She dances for a living? - No, deals with kids. 1270 00:55:18,206 --> 00:55:20,285 She told me to relax, and the word lasted 1271 00:55:20,286 --> 00:55:22,227 for like 4 seconds. 1272 00:55:23,007 --> 00:55:24,382 Okay, okay. Great. 1273 00:55:24,383 --> 00:55:25,982 Alright. Are you guys ready to learn a dance? 1274 00:55:25,983 --> 00:55:27,549 - Yeah! - Yes! 1275 00:55:27,550 --> 00:55:28,830 Okay. This is good. 1276 00:55:28,831 --> 00:55:31,710 Because everyone likes a person that can dance. 1277 00:55:31,711 --> 00:55:34,365 And this dance you can do anywhere. 1278 00:55:34,366 --> 00:55:36,158 All you need is your... 1279 00:55:36,159 --> 00:55:38,238 - Body! - Yes. 1280 00:55:38,239 --> 00:55:40,062 And... and just a little... 1281 00:55:40,063 --> 00:55:42,013 - Music! - Yes! Yes! 1282 00:55:42,014 --> 00:55:43,453 Okay, are you guys ready to learn the moves? 1283 00:55:43,454 --> 00:55:44,285 - Ready to learn some moves? - Yes! 1284 00:55:44,286 --> 00:55:45,981 Yes! Okay. 1285 00:55:45,982 --> 00:55:47,646 Let's do this! 1286 00:55:47,647 --> 00:55:49,619 [upbeat music] 1287 00:55:52,063 --> 00:55:54,877 ♪ I know when to go out ♪ 1288 00:55:54,878 --> 00:55:57,438 ♪ I know when to stay in ♪ 1289 00:55:57,439 --> 00:55:59,293 On my count. 1290 00:55:59,294 --> 00:56:00,381 Here we go! 1291 00:56:00,382 --> 00:56:02,686 5, 6, 7, 8. 1292 00:56:02,687 --> 00:56:05,245 ♪ I catch the paper boy ♪ 1293 00:56:05,246 --> 00:56:07,518 ♪ But things don't really change ♪ 1294 00:56:07,519 --> 00:56:10,237 ♪ I'm standing in the wind ♪ 1295 00:56:10,238 --> 00:56:13,075 ♪ But I never wave bye bye ♪ 1296 00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:18,590 ♪ But I try I try ♪ 1297 00:56:18,591 --> 00:56:21,981 - Ugh, I miss drugs. - Why don't we do drugs? 1298 00:56:21,982 --> 00:56:23,646 Because he have to control these lives 1299 00:56:23,647 --> 00:56:26,239 that we gave birth to. 1300 00:56:26,240 --> 00:56:27,710 First of all, I gave birth to them. 1301 00:56:27,711 --> 00:56:29,566 - Alright, whatever. - We gave birth to? 1302 00:56:29,567 --> 00:56:30,877 ♪ It's just the power to charm ♪ 1303 00:56:30,878 --> 00:56:33,310 ♪ I'm lyin' in the rain ♪ 1304 00:56:33,311 --> 00:56:36,243 ♪ But I never wave bye bye ♪ 1305 00:56:38,654 --> 00:56:41,725 ♪ But I try ♪ 1306 00:56:41,726 --> 00:56:44,212 ♪ I try ♪♪ 1307 00:56:45,983 --> 00:56:48,541 - I have not felt that free. - Seriously. 1308 00:56:48,542 --> 00:56:51,358 - Maybe my whole life. - What? 1309 00:56:51,359 --> 00:56:53,950 [kids laughing] 1310 00:56:53,951 --> 00:56:55,261 - I want that... - Here we go. Hold it. 1311 00:56:55,262 --> 00:56:56,511 Oh. What are you doing? 1312 00:56:56,512 --> 00:56:59,805 Okay, okay, he's gonna put a stop to it. 1313 00:56:59,806 --> 00:57:01,118 Hey, alright, hey, uh... 1314 00:57:01,119 --> 00:57:02,301 Now, we're gonna have the time to freestyle. 1315 00:57:02,302 --> 00:57:04,093 - Who knows who to freestyle? - Me! 1316 00:57:04,094 --> 00:57:05,694 Alright... alright, grab your folks. 1317 00:57:05,695 --> 00:57:06,814 Who's the choreographer? 1318 00:57:06,815 --> 00:57:08,413 Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey. 1319 00:57:08,414 --> 00:57:10,877 Jake's friend Lainey, who he really wants to fuck. 1320 00:57:10,878 --> 00:57:13,502 - Yeah, really wants to get deep, deep up in there. - Like bad. 1321 00:57:13,503 --> 00:57:15,165 - Like gross. - Mm-hmm. 1322 00:57:15,166 --> 00:57:17,619 - So she's single? - Oh, 100 percent. 1323 00:57:19,070 --> 00:57:22,195 [music continues] 1324 00:57:37,247 --> 00:57:39,220 This was an awful idea. 1325 00:57:40,159 --> 00:57:41,502 Oh, wow, that's weird. 1326 00:57:41,503 --> 00:57:43,902 I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater. 1327 00:57:43,903 --> 00:57:45,501 Oh, that's... It is good stuff. 1328 00:57:45,502 --> 00:57:47,166 Excuse me. 1329 00:57:47,167 --> 00:57:48,926 I'm Chris. This is Paul. 1330 00:57:48,927 --> 00:57:50,653 Lainey. Jake. 1331 00:57:50,654 --> 00:57:54,013 Ah, hi, you two. Are you guys married? 1332 00:57:54,014 --> 00:57:57,342 This is my son, and he really liked dancing with you. Didn't you, buddy? 1333 00:57:57,343 --> 00:57:59,519 Dude, are you really using your kid to hit on my friend? 1334 00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:01,501 Shut up. Ignore him. He's on drugs. 1335 00:58:01,502 --> 00:58:03,614 Paul, nice to meet you. 1336 00:58:03,615 --> 00:58:06,109 We're headin' out. But here's my info. 1337 00:58:06,110 --> 00:58:08,126 In case you feel like you might need it. 1338 00:58:08,127 --> 00:58:09,886 Come on, buddy. You can drive. 1339 00:58:09,887 --> 00:58:12,221 Oh, boy, "In case you might need it?" 1340 00:58:12,222 --> 00:58:14,813 Why would you need his info? 1341 00:58:14,814 --> 00:58:17,085 You're jealous. 1342 00:58:17,086 --> 00:58:18,781 I'm going to assume it's because you're coming down 1343 00:58:18,782 --> 00:58:20,317 off a powerful drug. 1344 00:58:20,318 --> 00:58:21,694 First part, false. Second part, true. 1345 00:58:21,695 --> 00:58:23,229 "Chris Smith." 1346 00:58:23,230 --> 00:58:24,479 Hold on. What? 1347 00:58:24,480 --> 00:58:27,007 His name's Chris Smith? 1348 00:58:27,008 --> 00:58:28,574 It is? 1349 00:58:28,575 --> 00:58:31,295 As in Chris Smith tree? 1350 00:58:31,296 --> 00:58:32,511 As in Chris Smith carol? 1351 00:58:32,512 --> 00:58:35,229 - No. - Holy smokes! 1352 00:58:35,230 --> 00:58:37,086 I always thought he'd be heavier with a beard. 1353 00:58:37,087 --> 00:58:39,133 - Leave him alone. - I love it. It's great. 1354 00:58:39,134 --> 00:58:40,605 Okay, I'm gonna try it again, alright? 1355 00:58:40,606 --> 00:58:42,045 Just see if any of the water goes down. 1356 00:58:42,046 --> 00:58:44,370 I'm gonna see how much I can drink. Here we go. 1357 00:58:49,246 --> 00:58:51,711 I love those "Rush Hour" movies. Oh, my God. 1358 00:58:51,712 --> 00:58:53,918 Anything that African American guy says 1359 00:58:53,919 --> 00:58:55,421 anything at all and I'm laughing, you know. 1360 00:58:55,422 --> 00:58:58,078 Hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 1361 00:58:58,079 --> 00:59:01,245 - Shit, that was dumb. - No, Chris. It's fine. 1362 00:59:01,246 --> 00:59:03,166 They're great. They're such good movies. 1363 00:59:03,167 --> 00:59:05,151 I was married for 8 years. 1364 00:59:05,152 --> 00:59:09,268 And I just... I haven't done this in a while. 1365 00:59:09,855 --> 00:59:12,052 Me neither. 1366 00:59:13,151 --> 00:59:14,430 Are you okay? 1367 00:59:14,431 --> 00:59:16,989 Yeah. Yeah. 1368 00:59:16,990 --> 00:59:18,740 [moans] 1369 00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:26,387 Yeah. 1370 00:59:27,038 --> 00:59:29,587 Be rude to it. 1371 00:59:33,631 --> 00:59:35,059 Yeah. 1372 00:59:35,615 --> 00:59:38,931 [upbeat music] 1373 00:59:40,447 --> 00:59:41,875 [laughing] 1374 00:59:43,230 --> 00:59:45,747 That was ridiculous. 1375 00:59:47,775 --> 00:59:50,846 The Dirty DJ was our thing, okay? 1376 00:59:50,847 --> 00:59:51,966 - Jake. - That was our thing. 1377 00:59:51,967 --> 00:59:53,725 Okay, let me be super clear here. 1378 00:59:53,726 --> 00:59:55,102 Mm-hmm. Please. 1379 00:59:55,103 --> 00:59:57,917 We don't have things that are sexual. 1380 00:59:57,918 --> 01:00:02,301 We don't sleep with each other, so we don't have things. 1381 01:00:02,302 --> 01:00:04,926 Okay, but you know what I mean, alright? 1382 01:00:04,927 --> 01:00:07,293 I taught you that as a gift to you. 1383 01:00:07,294 --> 01:00:10,461 That was not a Chris Smith gift, okay? 1384 01:00:10,462 --> 01:00:12,350 So. I don't get mad when you bring other chicks to our restaurant. 1385 01:00:12,351 --> 01:00:14,238 - Our restaurant? - Yes. 1386 01:00:14,239 --> 01:00:16,734 Oh, thank you. Yeah. Our restaurant? 1387 01:00:16,735 --> 01:00:18,557 I didn't know we put a down payment on this place. 1388 01:00:18,558 --> 01:00:19,870 Come on. 1389 01:00:19,871 --> 01:00:21,469 You know, I love it that you get ownership 1390 01:00:21,470 --> 01:00:23,550 over a randomly selected dumpling spot 1391 01:00:23,551 --> 01:00:27,037 but me, I can't share with you the slightest disappointment 1392 01:00:27,038 --> 01:00:28,606 over you co-opting an original idea of mine. 1393 01:00:28,607 --> 01:00:29,597 - Co... Okay. - Yeah. 1394 01:00:29,598 --> 01:00:30,590 First of all, you are not 1395 01:00:30,591 --> 01:00:32,510 the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas. 1396 01:00:32,511 --> 01:00:33,534 I don't know who that is. 1397 01:00:33,535 --> 01:00:37,342 And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words 1398 01:00:37,343 --> 01:00:39,230 and sliding scale morality. 1399 01:00:39,231 --> 01:00:40,958 - I'm not one of your dates. - That is very true. 1400 01:00:40,959 --> 01:00:42,142 No. You are not one of my dates. 1401 01:00:42,143 --> 01:00:43,101 - And I'm glad. Thank you. - Some water. 1402 01:00:43,102 --> 01:00:44,287 - No, the lady doesn't need it. - Excuse me. 1403 01:00:44,288 --> 01:00:45,950 - She doesn't deserve that. - I would like that, please. 1404 01:00:45,951 --> 01:00:46,941 I actually would like the water. 1405 01:00:46,942 --> 01:00:49,118 Sir, I-I can't stress enough 1406 01:00:49,119 --> 01:00:50,301 if we give her water I don't know what happens. 1407 01:00:50,302 --> 01:00:51,197 You need to give me this water. 1408 01:00:51,198 --> 01:00:53,597 See she's addicted. This is an addict. 1409 01:00:53,598 --> 01:00:55,549 This is... I've seen it a hundred times with her. 1410 01:00:55,550 --> 01:00:57,309 You gotta trust me. 1411 01:00:57,310 --> 01:00:58,941 You have lost your mind. 1412 01:00:58,942 --> 01:01:01,725 Well, you have lost your water. 1413 01:01:01,726 --> 01:01:04,659 So... I guess we're tied. 1414 01:01:06,014 --> 01:01:08,318 I wanna be able to talk you about this kinda thing. 1415 01:01:08,319 --> 01:01:10,526 I sense that. That's obvious. I just don't know why. 1416 01:01:10,527 --> 01:01:12,606 You talk to me about chicks you screw all the time. 1417 01:01:12,607 --> 01:01:14,771 That's different. 1418 01:01:16,062 --> 01:01:18,046 - Why? - 'Cause I'm going inside them. 1419 01:01:18,047 --> 01:01:19,326 This you're talking about someone inside you 1420 01:01:19,327 --> 01:01:20,797 that's just... ugh! 1421 01:01:20,798 --> 01:01:21,844 - Duh. - Grody. 1422 01:01:24,223 --> 01:01:27,773 This is the Bieder contract that has to go to legal for comments. 1423 01:01:27,774 --> 01:01:30,045 Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute? 1424 01:01:30,046 --> 01:01:33,502 Um... Ah, I mean... real minute? 1425 01:01:33,503 --> 01:01:34,653 A New York minute. I don't know... yeah, a real minute. 1426 01:01:34,654 --> 01:01:36,253 60 seconds. Sure. 1427 01:01:36,254 --> 01:01:37,694 Okay. 1428 01:01:37,695 --> 01:01:39,549 Um, what was the other thing? 1429 01:01:39,550 --> 01:01:40,990 Oh, yeah, buzz me for the 3 o'clock. 1430 01:01:40,991 --> 01:01:42,046 And that's it. Okay. 1431 01:01:42,047 --> 01:01:43,988 Yeah, don't fuck that up. 1432 01:01:44,446 --> 01:01:46,334 You got to let them have it. 1433 01:01:46,335 --> 01:01:48,669 Hey, will you, uh, sign this for me please? 1434 01:01:48,670 --> 01:01:49,917 Well, I have to know what it is first. 1435 01:01:49,918 --> 01:01:52,477 Oh, it's a nullification of my contract. 1436 01:01:52,478 --> 01:01:56,829 It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander. 1437 01:01:56,830 --> 01:01:59,646 And why would you do that? 1438 01:01:59,647 --> 01:02:02,205 Oh, right, no. Because I want to go on a date with you. 1439 01:02:02,206 --> 01:02:05,629 Silly. Uh, if you can just sign the back here. 3 places. 1440 01:02:05,630 --> 01:02:07,038 You can use my pen if you'd like. 1441 01:02:07,039 --> 01:02:10,046 And as you can see I've executed my half, so... 1442 01:02:10,047 --> 01:02:12,702 You stand to make over $5 million in the next 2 years. 1443 01:02:12,703 --> 01:02:16,029 No shit? Wow! That's great. 1444 01:02:16,030 --> 01:02:17,949 Uh, but I mean I never really factor 1445 01:02:17,950 --> 01:02:19,966 money in my decision making, so... 1446 01:02:19,967 --> 01:02:21,342 ...it doesn't change what I'm doing. 1447 01:02:21,343 --> 01:02:22,494 I appreciate the hardball 1448 01:02:22,495 --> 01:02:25,693 but obviously I can't take a request like this seriously. 1449 01:02:25,694 --> 01:02:26,750 But the seriousness of my request 1450 01:02:26,751 --> 01:02:29,182 is reflected in the hardball. 1451 01:02:29,183 --> 01:02:31,954 So I don't... I don't know what to do here. 1452 01:02:33,022 --> 01:02:34,611 [chuckles] 1453 01:02:35,774 --> 01:02:36,957 Okay. I'll go on one date with you 1454 01:02:36,958 --> 01:02:38,813 if you answer a question truthfully. 1455 01:02:38,814 --> 01:02:40,573 Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah. 1456 01:02:40,574 --> 01:02:44,030 I answer all questions truthfully, but fire away. 1457 01:02:44,031 --> 01:02:48,125 What on earth makes you think that I'm worth $5 million? 1458 01:02:48,126 --> 01:02:50,707 What makes you think you're not? 1459 01:02:51,647 --> 01:02:53,779 [instrumental music] 1460 01:02:55,486 --> 01:02:57,022 Get outta here. Get back to work. 1461 01:02:57,023 --> 01:02:58,206 - I'm on break. - So take this... 1462 01:02:58,207 --> 01:03:00,158 - I'm on break. - ...and get out of my office. 1463 01:03:00,159 --> 01:03:01,683 Okay. 1464 01:03:02,559 --> 01:03:04,531 Alright. To be continued. 1465 01:03:05,695 --> 01:03:07,122 TTFN. 1466 01:03:07,838 --> 01:03:10,493 Um, you know, I mean... 1467 01:03:10,494 --> 01:03:12,189 Ta-ta for now. 1468 01:03:12,190 --> 01:03:15,038 My ex has my son this weekend. 1469 01:03:15,039 --> 01:03:17,406 And I know a place with cheap tequila. 1470 01:03:17,407 --> 01:03:19,517 We should go there. That sounds great. 1471 01:03:19,518 --> 01:03:21,854 Can you keep your mouth shut? 1472 01:03:21,855 --> 01:03:23,997 Yeah. I mean, not once we get there. 1473 01:03:23,998 --> 01:03:25,662 Tequila makes me so chatty. 1474 01:03:25,663 --> 01:03:27,549 In a good way I think. 1475 01:03:27,550 --> 01:03:29,917 - You mean out here. - Just... Yes, mouth shut, please. 1476 01:03:29,918 --> 01:03:32,404 - Not gonna say a peep. - Get outta here! 1477 01:03:34,239 --> 01:03:36,732 Back to work, you. 1478 01:03:36,733 --> 01:03:38,163 Yes! 1479 01:03:40,702 --> 01:03:42,846 There you are. 1480 01:03:42,847 --> 01:03:44,542 Hey, thanks for comin', Lainey. 1481 01:03:44,543 --> 01:03:47,292 Partners always have to do these bullshit events. 1482 01:03:47,293 --> 01:03:48,701 I hope your heels are comfortable 1483 01:03:48,702 --> 01:03:49,565 'cause you're gonna be standing 1484 01:03:49,566 --> 01:03:51,902 and talking to boring people all night. 1485 01:03:51,903 --> 01:03:53,822 Chris, I'm having a great time. 1486 01:03:53,823 --> 01:03:55,613 Thank you for inviting me. 1487 01:03:55,614 --> 01:03:58,067 And these shoes are still uncomfortable. 1488 01:03:59,647 --> 01:04:01,074 Elaine? 1489 01:04:01,471 --> 01:04:03,037 Hi, Matthew. 1490 01:04:03,038 --> 01:04:05,373 - Good to see you. - This is Chris. 1491 01:04:05,374 --> 01:04:07,293 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, Matthew. 1492 01:04:07,294 --> 01:04:09,789 Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time. 1493 01:04:09,790 --> 01:04:12,702 Oh. Your name is Elaine? 1494 01:04:12,703 --> 01:04:15,166 - Lainey is a nickname. - I didn't know that. 1495 01:04:15,167 --> 01:04:18,429 Oh, Elaine, you've never met my wife, have you? 1496 01:04:18,430 --> 01:04:20,478 - I haven't. - Let me introduce you. Emma? 1497 01:04:20,479 --> 01:04:23,389 - Come here. - Excuse me. 1498 01:04:23,390 --> 01:04:24,766 This is Elaine. 1499 01:04:24,767 --> 01:04:26,429 So nice to meet you, Emma. 1500 01:04:26,430 --> 01:04:27,581 - This is Chris. - Hi. 1501 01:04:27,582 --> 01:04:29,437 - Hi. - When are you due? 1502 01:04:29,438 --> 01:04:31,933 - October. - Congratulations. 1503 01:04:31,934 --> 01:04:34,237 - Your first? - Yes. It's a boy. 1504 01:04:34,238 --> 01:04:36,829 We're so excited. 1505 01:04:36,830 --> 01:04:38,045 Matthew will be delivering him. 1506 01:04:38,046 --> 01:04:40,029 - Oh. - Oh. 1507 01:04:40,030 --> 01:04:41,981 - OB-GYN? - Yes. You? 1508 01:04:41,982 --> 01:04:43,709 Uh, partner over at Garrison and Shingle. 1509 01:04:43,710 --> 01:04:45,565 - A man of the law. - Yeah. 1510 01:04:45,566 --> 01:04:47,229 I've worked with you guys when I was a mediator 1511 01:04:47,230 --> 01:04:48,541 on Thorpe V. Bronwin. 1512 01:04:48,542 --> 01:04:51,037 - Sure. - Elaine, what is it that you do? 1513 01:04:51,038 --> 01:04:52,318 - I teach kindergarten. - That's right. 1514 01:04:52,319 --> 01:04:54,140 I think I knew that. 1515 01:04:54,141 --> 01:04:56,499 Would you excuse me? I'm just gonna run to the ladies' room. 1516 01:05:02,814 --> 01:05:03,806 Okay, can I cut to the chase? 1517 01:05:03,807 --> 01:05:04,797 I would love that. 1518 01:05:04,798 --> 01:05:06,109 I love cutting to chases. Do it. 1519 01:05:06,110 --> 01:05:08,062 Okay, so you're a womanizer. 1520 01:05:08,063 --> 01:05:09,598 Hey! 1521 01:05:09,599 --> 01:05:10,431 How did you know that? 1522 01:05:10,432 --> 01:05:12,221 - Everybody knows that. - Everybody? 1523 01:05:12,222 --> 01:05:14,109 Your interns call you a Jump Back Jake. 1524 01:05:14,110 --> 01:05:15,165 - I have a nickname? - A nickname. 1525 01:05:15,166 --> 01:05:16,350 - That's how bad it is. - Wow! 1526 01:05:16,351 --> 01:05:18,110 It's not bad. I... 1527 01:05:18,111 --> 01:05:19,037 Or that's how good it is! 1528 01:05:19,038 --> 01:05:20,893 Right? Well, see, that's what I'm saying. 1529 01:05:20,894 --> 01:05:22,045 I... I mean, I assumed they would speak about me 1530 01:05:22,046 --> 01:05:23,196 but I thought I was gonna be more along 1531 01:05:23,197 --> 01:05:24,190 the lines of something like... 1532 01:05:24,191 --> 01:05:25,982 - Stellar Yelp reviews? - Yeah. 1533 01:05:25,983 --> 01:05:26,909 Stellar Yelp reviews. 1534 01:05:26,910 --> 01:05:30,046 - So can I ask? - Yeah, how do I stop you? 1535 01:05:30,047 --> 01:05:33,661 - Mmm. - Were you a fat teenager? 1536 01:05:33,662 --> 01:05:36,862 Did you... No, seriously, did you not get along with your mother? 1537 01:05:36,863 --> 01:05:39,165 Do you just... do you not like women? 1538 01:05:39,166 --> 01:05:41,405 Do you feel suffocated by them as soon as you... 1539 01:05:41,406 --> 01:05:43,421 Yeah, I mean, no, it's none of those things. 1540 01:05:43,422 --> 01:05:45,181 God, those are all bad. 1541 01:05:45,182 --> 01:05:47,346 No, I think it was... 1542 01:05:49,055 --> 01:05:52,861 I think it was because I was like a... like a late bloomer. 1543 01:05:52,862 --> 01:05:53,949 - Really? - Yeah. 1544 01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:56,958 - Me too. - Mmm. Mm-hmm. 1545 01:05:56,959 --> 01:05:58,654 That's amazing. No shit. 1546 01:05:58,655 --> 01:06:00,445 I mean, it's different for women. 1547 01:06:00,446 --> 01:06:02,483 I waited until my wedding night. 1548 01:06:04,126 --> 01:06:05,981 Did you grow up in America? 1549 01:06:05,982 --> 01:06:09,276 Holy shit! I don't think I've ever... 1550 01:06:09,277 --> 01:06:10,941 No, I've never met anybody 1551 01:06:10,942 --> 01:06:12,830 that actually waited until their wedding day. 1552 01:06:12,831 --> 01:06:14,974 That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity. 1553 01:06:14,975 --> 01:06:17,469 Okay, well I grew up very, very religiously. 1554 01:06:17,470 --> 01:06:20,285 - What is your excuse? - Hmm. 1555 01:06:20,286 --> 01:06:22,942 Yeah, my excuse, well, I think it's a... 1556 01:06:22,943 --> 01:06:27,164 I... I thought it was something that should be special. 1557 01:06:27,165 --> 01:06:29,597 I think I literally sprouted... 1558 01:06:29,598 --> 01:06:31,902 ...a vagina when I said that. 1559 01:06:31,903 --> 01:06:32,893 Check, please. 1560 01:06:32,894 --> 01:06:34,014 There's a Georgia O'Keeffe 1561 01:06:34,015 --> 01:06:35,838 painting in my pants as we speak. 1562 01:06:35,839 --> 01:06:38,557 - There are worse things. - That's true. 1563 01:06:38,558 --> 01:06:40,061 Pollock. Ooh. 1564 01:06:40,062 --> 01:06:42,003 [laughing] 1565 01:06:42,973 --> 01:06:44,989 Yeah, but that was that... that's why I... I, yeah. 1566 01:06:44,990 --> 01:06:46,365 I mean, I had a bunch of friends that had done it 1567 01:06:46,366 --> 01:06:48,381 and it just... I don't know. 1568 01:06:48,382 --> 01:06:51,101 At some point I realized it wasn't gonna be special 1569 01:06:51,102 --> 01:06:52,637 and so I just wanted to get it over with 1570 01:06:52,638 --> 01:06:55,731 and it's never been special ever since. 1571 01:06:56,478 --> 01:06:59,006 - So who was the girl? - Hmm. 1572 01:06:59,007 --> 01:06:59,998 Do you remember? 1573 01:06:59,999 --> 01:07:02,109 [cellphone vibrating] 1574 01:07:02,110 --> 01:07:03,774 - You need to get that? - Nope. 1575 01:07:03,775 --> 01:07:05,757 - Please. - No, no, no. It's just a friend. 1576 01:07:05,758 --> 01:07:07,325 Well, you can still get the phone. 1577 01:07:07,326 --> 01:07:08,223 - I don't wanna get the phone. - Okay. 1578 01:07:08,224 --> 01:07:10,099 It's just a friend. It's no big deal. 1579 01:07:11,773 --> 01:07:14,706 Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice... 1580 01:07:29,182 --> 01:07:31,805 Are you one of Matthew's patients? 1581 01:07:31,806 --> 01:07:34,206 No. I went to Columbia. 1582 01:07:34,207 --> 01:07:37,213 I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you. 1583 01:07:37,214 --> 01:07:39,827 Well, I haven't seen him in a long time. 1584 01:07:41,311 --> 01:07:44,798 It shouldn't bother me but I don't like meeting his patients. 1585 01:07:44,799 --> 01:07:47,795 It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen her... 1586 01:07:48,222 --> 01:07:50,236 You know... 1587 01:07:50,237 --> 01:07:53,362 Of course. Yeah, I'd feel the same way. 1588 01:07:55,679 --> 01:07:57,853 [instrumental music] 1589 01:07:57,854 --> 01:08:00,701 Lainey, everything okay? 1590 01:08:00,702 --> 01:08:02,365 Oh, I gotta go. Chris, I'm so sorry I'm leaving. 1591 01:08:02,366 --> 01:08:03,966 I'm... I'm sick. 1592 01:08:03,967 --> 01:08:05,213 Oh, no. Well, let me... let me drive you home. 1593 01:08:05,214 --> 01:08:08,158 - No. Please... - Is everything alright? 1594 01:08:08,159 --> 01:08:09,437 I'm just not feeling well. 1595 01:08:09,438 --> 01:08:12,350 Oh. We should take our driver. 1596 01:08:12,351 --> 01:08:14,940 Emma and I are gonna stick around for another hour or so. 1597 01:08:14,941 --> 01:08:17,916 But he can drop you off and be back in 20 minutes. Easy. 1598 01:08:17,917 --> 01:08:19,484 You don't know where I live. 1599 01:08:19,485 --> 01:08:21,500 That's so nice. Are you sure? 1600 01:08:21,501 --> 01:08:22,942 Yeah. She'll never get a cab out at this hour. 1601 01:08:22,943 --> 01:08:24,669 It's no trouble. 1602 01:08:24,670 --> 01:08:25,821 Look, I'm really supposed to mingle a bit 1603 01:08:25,822 --> 01:08:26,718 but if you want me to come... 1604 01:08:26,719 --> 01:08:28,606 No, it's fine. I'll call you tomorrow. 1605 01:08:28,607 --> 01:08:29,533 Okay. 1606 01:08:29,534 --> 01:08:31,964 Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better. 1607 01:08:31,965 --> 01:08:34,386 Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight. 1608 01:08:35,326 --> 01:08:37,587 It's no trouble. Thank you. 1609 01:08:39,806 --> 01:08:41,502 So it's the black town car. It's across the street... 1610 01:08:41,503 --> 01:08:43,101 I know what your car looks like. I don't need it. 1611 01:08:43,102 --> 01:08:44,829 I like your date. He seems nice. 1612 01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:47,741 - Fuck you, Matt. - Why haven't you returned any of my calls? 1613 01:08:47,742 --> 01:08:49,214 - I blocked your number. - Why? 1614 01:08:49,215 --> 01:08:51,165 Because I'm not an asshole. 1615 01:08:51,166 --> 01:08:52,691 Okay. 1616 01:08:57,823 --> 01:08:59,763 [instrumental music] 1617 01:09:03,102 --> 01:09:04,446 Uh-huh. No, no. 1618 01:09:04,447 --> 01:09:06,494 What? What? 1619 01:09:06,495 --> 01:09:07,987 You're so greedy. 1620 01:09:10,621 --> 01:09:12,670 - Uh-huh. - What? What do you want me to do? 1621 01:09:12,671 --> 01:09:15,123 I want you to do nothing. 1622 01:09:17,215 --> 01:09:19,101 I want you to do exactly 1623 01:09:19,102 --> 01:09:21,779 what you don't normally do. 1624 01:09:22,366 --> 01:09:24,658 - Okay? - Okay. 1625 01:09:26,111 --> 01:09:27,571 [sighs] 1626 01:09:29,822 --> 01:09:32,786 ♪ You got a reason ♪ 1627 01:09:33,887 --> 01:09:35,902 ♪ Reason to leave ♪ 1628 01:09:35,903 --> 01:09:38,334 ♪ I lost it back then ♪ 1629 01:09:38,335 --> 01:09:40,285 ♪ But I am losing ♪ 1630 01:09:40,286 --> 01:09:42,013 Alright. 1631 01:09:42,014 --> 01:09:44,275 Fuck. Oh... 1632 01:09:45,759 --> 01:09:47,635 [heavy breathing] 1633 01:09:50,271 --> 01:09:52,509 ♪ Come on come on come on ♪ 1634 01:09:52,510 --> 01:09:54,483 ♪ Come on come on come on ♪ 1635 01:09:57,821 --> 01:09:59,891 ♪ Come on ♪ 1636 01:10:01,374 --> 01:10:03,676 ♪ I never told you ♪ 1637 01:10:03,677 --> 01:10:09,437 ♪ You're my one and only woman ♪ 1638 01:10:09,438 --> 01:10:12,829 ♪ So you act like a child ♪ 1639 01:10:12,830 --> 01:10:17,181 ♪ I really don't mind the way you cry ♪ 1640 01:10:17,182 --> 01:10:19,069 ♪ Come on come on come on ♪ 1641 01:10:19,070 --> 01:10:21,598 ♪ To the deepest part ♪ 1642 01:10:21,599 --> 01:10:23,645 ♪ But you ain't that ♪ 1643 01:10:23,646 --> 01:10:26,364 ♪ In my... ♪ 1644 01:10:26,365 --> 01:10:29,437 ♪ Come on come on come on... ♪ 1645 01:10:29,438 --> 01:10:31,230 - Can you come? - But you haven't... 1646 01:10:31,231 --> 01:10:33,810 Come inside me. I want you to come now. 1647 01:10:34,814 --> 01:10:36,562 - Come! - Okay. 1648 01:10:38,014 --> 01:10:40,509 Oh, oh, fuck! 1649 01:10:40,510 --> 01:10:42,877 Oh, Lainey. Oh, oh! 1650 01:10:42,878 --> 01:10:46,259 Oh, oh, Lainey. Oh, fuck. 1651 01:10:51,613 --> 01:10:53,970 [heavy breathing] 1652 01:10:57,790 --> 01:11:00,531 Oh! Oh, shit. 1653 01:11:08,478 --> 01:11:10,963 Who's Lainey? 1654 01:11:14,431 --> 01:11:18,035 Um... it's a long story. 1655 01:11:22,334 --> 01:11:24,723 You wanna tell me about it? 1656 01:11:28,861 --> 01:11:30,323 Yes. 1657 01:11:32,830 --> 01:11:34,429 It's right here on the right side. 1658 01:11:34,430 --> 01:11:35,731 Thank you. 1659 01:11:38,399 --> 01:11:41,523 [instrumental music] 1660 01:11:51,582 --> 01:11:53,588 I just tried calling you. 1661 01:11:54,526 --> 01:11:56,787 - My phone died. - Hmm. 1662 01:11:57,982 --> 01:12:00,307 So how was your day? 1663 01:12:01,535 --> 01:12:03,090 Swell. 1664 01:12:05,181 --> 01:12:07,379 Want to come up? 1665 01:12:17,695 --> 01:12:20,883 [instrumental music] 1666 01:12:46,495 --> 01:12:49,619 [music continues] 1667 01:13:15,358 --> 01:13:18,546 [music continues] 1668 01:13:26,975 --> 01:13:28,924 - It's over. - Hmm. 1669 01:13:28,925 --> 01:13:31,677 He didn't choose me. 1670 01:13:31,678 --> 01:13:34,866 You never told him to make a choice, you know. 1671 01:13:39,454 --> 01:13:41,810 How was Paula? 1672 01:13:42,239 --> 01:13:43,891 Hmm. 1673 01:13:46,110 --> 01:13:48,275 I was a mess. 1674 01:13:50,271 --> 01:13:52,659 She nice to you? 1675 01:13:54,654 --> 01:13:56,243 Yes. 1676 01:13:57,885 --> 01:14:00,275 - Good. - Hmm. 1677 01:14:16,829 --> 01:14:18,994 What's up? 1678 01:14:20,061 --> 01:14:23,090 Are we in love with each other? 1679 01:14:35,261 --> 01:14:37,586 What are we gonna do about it? 1680 01:14:45,951 --> 01:14:48,339 What do you wanna do? 1681 01:14:51,230 --> 01:14:52,691 Nothing. 1682 01:14:56,317 --> 01:14:58,834 There's nothing to do. 1683 01:15:04,894 --> 01:15:07,537 I love you for free, Lainey. 1684 01:15:10,749 --> 01:15:13,533 I love you for free, Jake. 1685 01:15:13,534 --> 01:15:15,698 [instrumental music] 1686 01:15:45,438 --> 01:15:48,755 [instrumental music] 1687 01:16:04,254 --> 01:16:07,932 I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor? 1688 01:16:07,933 --> 01:16:10,236 Tempting. Tempting, but no. 1689 01:16:10,237 --> 01:16:12,124 Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow. 1690 01:16:12,125 --> 01:16:13,820 Hmm. 1691 01:16:13,821 --> 01:16:15,645 Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes? 1692 01:16:15,646 --> 01:16:17,597 No, Kara and George are shipping it to me on Monday. 1693 01:16:17,598 --> 01:16:20,317 - Cool. Alright. - I'm good. I'm good. 1694 01:16:20,318 --> 01:16:22,460 - You got it all figured out. - Yeah. 1695 01:16:22,461 --> 01:16:25,117 Alright, well... 1696 01:16:25,118 --> 01:16:26,525 ...last chance to ditch med school 1697 01:16:26,526 --> 01:16:27,580 and run away with me, huh? 1698 01:16:27,581 --> 01:16:29,278 Come on, what do you say? Let's go. 1699 01:16:29,279 --> 01:16:32,028 You just sneak in here, I'll drive. Bounce around. 1700 01:16:32,029 --> 01:16:34,716 You know, unfortunately I don't sleep with men 1701 01:16:34,717 --> 01:16:36,349 in relationships anymore. 1702 01:16:36,350 --> 01:16:38,205 - This new crazy thing. - Gotcha. 1703 01:16:38,206 --> 01:16:39,869 No, that's okay. That's okay. 1704 01:16:39,870 --> 01:16:40,924 I stopped cheating anyway. 1705 01:16:40,925 --> 01:16:44,242 So, bad timing. What happened to us? 1706 01:16:45,469 --> 01:16:47,420 We're getting a chance to start over. 1707 01:16:47,421 --> 01:16:48,829 That's true. 1708 01:16:48,830 --> 01:16:50,780 - Just in time... - Oh, yeah. 1709 01:16:50,781 --> 01:16:51,740 - If you ask me. - Oh, yeah. 1710 01:16:51,741 --> 01:16:54,675 Yeah, before things got really bad, and weird. 1711 01:16:58,813 --> 01:17:02,621 Alright, well, goodbye forever. 1712 01:17:02,622 --> 01:17:05,331 Goodbye forever. Again. 1713 01:17:06,686 --> 01:17:09,811 Up top. There you go. Yup. 1714 01:17:15,518 --> 01:17:17,779 Thank you, Jake. 1715 01:17:18,877 --> 01:17:20,562 For what? 1716 01:17:22,430 --> 01:17:25,587 For teaching me how to love someone. 1717 01:17:28,670 --> 01:17:30,482 Anytime. 1718 01:17:34,237 --> 01:17:36,157 I'll get this for you, you've got to close this. 1719 01:17:36,158 --> 01:17:37,203 Yep. 1720 01:17:39,678 --> 01:17:42,876 It would be kinda cool though if you could just hang onto the back. 1721 01:17:42,877 --> 01:17:45,373 Eddie Murphy at the beginning of "Beverly Hills Cop," remember that? 1722 01:17:45,374 --> 01:17:47,292 Cigarette truck. Never mind. 1723 01:17:47,293 --> 01:17:49,180 Uh, alright, drive safe. 1724 01:17:49,181 --> 01:17:50,749 - Yeah? - Hmm. 1725 01:17:50,750 --> 01:17:52,626 - Go. - Bye. 1726 01:17:54,622 --> 01:17:56,978 Go be a hot shot. 1727 01:18:00,414 --> 01:18:03,581 ♪ I feel ready for a ride ♪ 1728 01:18:03,582 --> 01:18:07,923 ♪ For the... ♪ 1729 01:18:09,310 --> 01:18:10,749 Hi, babe, it's me. 1730 01:18:10,750 --> 01:18:13,565 Um, I hope the goodbye went well. 1731 01:18:13,566 --> 01:18:14,973 Oliver and I are on our way. 1732 01:18:14,974 --> 01:18:17,137 Okay, see you soon. 1733 01:18:18,622 --> 01:18:19,772 Nice job, Oliver. 1734 01:18:19,773 --> 01:18:22,236 You're a whirling dervish out there. A whirling dervish! 1735 01:18:22,237 --> 01:18:23,837 - You got this, Henry. - There you go, Henry. 1736 01:18:23,838 --> 01:18:25,373 Right through. How's that feel, blue? 1737 01:18:25,374 --> 01:18:28,252 - How's that feel, blue? - There you go. 1738 01:18:28,253 --> 01:18:30,045 Yeah, little legs, but they move fast. 1739 01:18:30,046 --> 01:18:31,869 Get it. Get it. Reverse it. 1740 01:18:31,870 --> 01:18:33,244 Reverse it. Yeah! 1741 01:18:33,245 --> 01:18:35,837 - Yes! Nice pass, man. - Get off me! 1742 01:18:35,838 --> 01:18:38,716 Okay, I know. I'm just a passionate fan. 1743 01:18:38,717 --> 01:18:40,637 I'm sorry, go play soccer, what are you doing talkin' to me? 1744 01:18:40,638 --> 01:18:41,661 - What are you doing? - What? 1745 01:18:41,662 --> 01:18:43,005 You're embarrassing the kid. 1746 01:18:43,006 --> 01:18:44,572 The kid's having a great game, you're embarrassing... 1747 01:18:44,573 --> 01:18:47,165 Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry! 1748 01:18:47,166 --> 01:18:48,828 - And that's better? - How's that feel, blue? 1749 01:18:48,829 --> 01:18:51,388 How's that feel, blue? 1750 01:18:51,389 --> 01:18:52,924 My love is conditional. 1751 01:18:52,925 --> 01:18:55,858 [indistinct chatter] 1752 01:18:59,038 --> 01:19:02,173 When we were kids, we had orange slices after a game. 1753 01:19:02,174 --> 01:19:05,853 Thank you. That's like $400 worth of frozen yogurt. 1754 01:19:05,854 --> 01:19:08,573 - Holy toppings! - She just said it's every topping. 1755 01:19:08,574 --> 01:19:10,620 Every flavor. 1756 01:19:10,621 --> 01:19:12,125 Hey, what's up dude? 1757 01:19:12,126 --> 01:19:14,684 Is it okay if I go over Henry's to go swimming? 1758 01:19:14,685 --> 01:19:15,581 It's cool with me, is it cool with you? 1759 01:19:15,582 --> 01:19:16,669 At my house? 1760 01:19:16,670 --> 01:19:17,660 You're gonna go swimming at my house? 1761 01:19:17,661 --> 01:19:19,901 - Yes, I am. - Hmm. 1762 01:19:19,902 --> 01:19:21,917 - Let me think about it. - What do you say? 1763 01:19:21,918 --> 01:19:23,772 Alright. I'll allow it. 1764 01:19:23,773 --> 01:19:26,045 You sure you don't want to come to brunch? With me and your mom? 1765 01:19:26,046 --> 01:19:28,733 We're gonna have some eggs benedict and some frittatas. 1766 01:19:28,734 --> 01:19:30,620 Yeah, 'cause that's... 'cause that's what kids wanna do. 1767 01:19:30,621 --> 01:19:31,612 They don't want to go swimming. 1768 01:19:31,613 --> 01:19:33,020 They want to go to brunch. 1769 01:19:33,021 --> 01:19:34,460 Thanks, Jake. 1770 01:19:34,461 --> 01:19:36,273 There you go. 1771 01:19:37,342 --> 01:19:39,324 You have really changed, my friend. 1772 01:19:39,325 --> 01:19:41,948 - Yes. - I have to say, I don't mind it. 1773 01:19:41,949 --> 01:19:42,908 I don't know what that whole thing 1774 01:19:42,909 --> 01:19:45,085 was with Lainey but it really turned you around 1775 01:19:45,086 --> 01:19:47,315 in the right direction. 1776 01:19:47,741 --> 01:19:49,308 How's she doin'? 1777 01:19:49,309 --> 01:19:51,804 - Lainey? - Yeah. 1778 01:19:51,805 --> 01:19:54,483 I don't know. We haven't talked in a while. 1779 01:19:56,541 --> 01:20:00,669 Look at her, passing out toppings like, uh... 1780 01:20:00,670 --> 01:20:02,332 She's just like a dealer. 1781 01:20:02,333 --> 01:20:03,965 - What? - You're mad? 1782 01:20:03,966 --> 01:20:05,244 - No, but are you... - You're happy. 1783 01:20:05,245 --> 01:20:06,588 - You're both? - You're crazy. 1784 01:20:06,589 --> 01:20:07,422 Are you mappy? You're mappy? 1785 01:20:07,423 --> 01:20:09,117 I'm just gonna say you're mappy. 1786 01:20:09,118 --> 01:20:10,205 - I can't... - Have you thought this through? 1787 01:20:10,206 --> 01:20:11,101 - I know it's a birthday gift. - I can't go to France. 1788 01:20:11,102 --> 01:20:11,997 - Okay. - I can't take off work. 1789 01:20:11,998 --> 01:20:14,204 'Cause I'm pretty sure there's gonna be 1790 01:20:14,205 --> 01:20:17,116 a very nice suite in a 5 star hotel just waiting for ya. 1791 01:20:17,117 --> 01:20:19,484 But you're right. It's a bad idea. Maybe you shouldn't go. 1792 01:20:19,485 --> 01:20:21,597 But I've got to find someone now with your exact name 1793 01:20:21,598 --> 01:20:24,157 that can go to Europe and use that room. 1794 01:20:24,158 --> 01:20:26,684 - Anybody here named Paula? - Shh. 1795 01:20:26,685 --> 01:20:28,541 - You're crazy. - Settle down, people. 1796 01:20:28,542 --> 01:20:29,629 - No, not at all. - Are you kidding? 1797 01:20:29,630 --> 01:20:31,293 I think this is a great idea. 1798 01:20:31,294 --> 01:20:33,180 When did you get this good? 1799 01:20:33,181 --> 01:20:35,730 I spent a long time being bad. 1800 01:20:37,726 --> 01:20:40,060 I just... I mean. I just... just... 1801 01:20:40,061 --> 01:20:42,525 [indistinct singing] 1802 01:20:42,526 --> 01:20:43,869 What? 1803 01:20:43,870 --> 01:20:47,123 Uh, I'm sorry, I just... 1804 01:20:48,190 --> 01:20:50,205 I know this guy from somewhere. 1805 01:20:50,206 --> 01:20:52,572 - With the glasses. - I can't put my finger on it. 1806 01:20:52,573 --> 01:20:54,737 - From work? - No. 1807 01:20:56,925 --> 01:20:59,805 - Your neighbor? - No, I... 1808 01:20:59,806 --> 01:21:01,564 I feel like he had longer hair. 1809 01:21:01,565 --> 01:21:03,868 Maybe he's an actor? 1810 01:21:03,869 --> 01:21:06,290 Maybe I knew him at Colum... 1811 01:21:07,038 --> 01:21:08,467 Columbia. 1812 01:21:12,445 --> 01:21:14,109 You know what? I'm... I'm... You mind if I run 1813 01:21:14,110 --> 01:21:15,228 over there just to see if it's him? 1814 01:21:15,229 --> 01:21:16,988 - Okay, baby. - Alright. 1815 01:21:16,989 --> 01:21:18,963 Be right back. 1816 01:21:21,885 --> 01:21:23,827 Well, we can talk about it. 1817 01:21:24,669 --> 01:21:26,098 Sobvechik? 1818 01:21:26,974 --> 01:21:28,402 Yeah. 1819 01:21:28,798 --> 01:21:29,981 [screaming] 1820 01:21:29,982 --> 01:21:32,243 - Oh, you're pregnant. - Oh, my God. 1821 01:21:35,550 --> 01:21:37,203 [screaming] 1822 01:21:39,357 --> 01:21:41,106 [grunts] 1823 01:21:42,621 --> 01:21:44,883 You boring, fuckin', asshole! 1824 01:21:46,749 --> 01:21:48,338 Sorry, sorry. 1825 01:21:50,301 --> 01:21:53,469 Hey! Hey! Jake! 1826 01:21:53,470 --> 01:21:55,613 Somebody do something. 1827 01:21:55,614 --> 01:21:58,002 - Jake, Jake! - That's for my girl, you shit! 1828 01:21:58,461 --> 01:22:00,147 Fuck you! 1829 01:22:00,733 --> 01:22:03,123 Come on. Get up! Come on. 1830 01:22:04,669 --> 01:22:06,941 You fucking boring piece of shit! 1831 01:22:06,942 --> 01:22:08,914 Fucking tourist. 1832 01:22:10,365 --> 01:22:11,772 I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. 1833 01:22:11,773 --> 01:22:13,330 [grunting] 1834 01:22:15,198 --> 01:22:16,627 [groaning] 1835 01:22:18,973 --> 01:22:21,276 - Matthew, my water broke... - Honey! 1836 01:22:21,277 --> 01:22:22,652 Honey! 1837 01:22:22,653 --> 01:22:24,860 - We need a doctor. - I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor! 1838 01:22:24,861 --> 01:22:26,589 Hold on, hold on, hold on. 1839 01:22:26,590 --> 01:22:30,012 I am her husband. That is my wife and that is my baby. 1840 01:22:30,013 --> 01:22:32,316 And this motherfucker I don't even know... 1841 01:22:32,317 --> 01:22:34,258 - Let's go! - What are you doing? 1842 01:22:34,430 --> 01:22:35,900 Fucking maniac. 1843 01:22:35,901 --> 01:22:37,724 That's my husband! Oh, my God! 1844 01:22:37,725 --> 01:22:39,869 - Oh, my God! - No! No! 1845 01:22:39,870 --> 01:22:43,835 ♪ Well if you ever go ♪ 1846 01:22:43,836 --> 01:22:47,389 ♪ Darlin' I'll be... ♪ 1847 01:22:47,390 --> 01:22:48,509 No! 1848 01:22:48,510 --> 01:22:50,044 No! 1849 01:22:50,045 --> 01:22:51,293 No! 1850 01:22:51,294 --> 01:22:53,340 Matthew! Hey! Hey! 1851 01:22:53,341 --> 01:22:54,845 He didn't do anything. 1852 01:22:54,846 --> 01:22:55,997 We were just having brunch 1853 01:22:55,998 --> 01:23:00,348 and then this fucker comes out of nowhere and decks him! 1854 01:23:00,349 --> 01:23:03,101 The Henley wearing bullshit motherfucker! 1855 01:23:03,102 --> 01:23:05,692 Oh, my God, this isn't happening. I need a tissue. 1856 01:23:05,693 --> 01:23:07,409 Oh, my God. 1857 01:23:15,390 --> 01:23:16,818 Hey. 1858 01:23:22,781 --> 01:23:24,637 They're gonna book you for assault. 1859 01:23:24,638 --> 01:23:27,218 What? Why? What did I... 1860 01:23:28,766 --> 01:23:30,995 Sorry, bad joke. 1861 01:23:32,318 --> 01:23:33,756 So you're gonna need someone to bail you out. 1862 01:23:33,757 --> 01:23:36,243 Oh, come on. Paula... 1863 01:23:38,237 --> 01:23:40,050 - I don't need a hardball... - My girl? 1864 01:23:40,476 --> 01:23:41,938 What? 1865 01:23:43,005 --> 01:23:45,980 - What are you... - My girl. Who's your girl? 1866 01:23:45,981 --> 01:23:47,100 Well, I can explain that. That just like... 1867 01:23:47,101 --> 01:23:48,989 Who's your girl, Jake? 1868 01:23:48,990 --> 01:23:50,108 I was... 1869 01:23:50,109 --> 01:23:51,677 That guy's a fucking asshole 1870 01:23:51,678 --> 01:23:53,563 who was really shitty to a good friend of mine. 1871 01:23:53,564 --> 01:23:55,516 - Okay? - You can't even say it. 1872 01:23:55,517 --> 01:23:57,938 You can't even look at me and just say her name. 1873 01:24:00,573 --> 01:24:02,077 - I don't even... - Give me the courtesy. 1874 01:24:02,078 --> 01:24:03,229 What are you talking... 1875 01:24:03,230 --> 01:24:06,269 I haven't even spoken to her since she left. 1876 01:24:06,270 --> 01:24:08,989 I'm... I didn't do anything wrong here. 1877 01:24:08,990 --> 01:24:10,813 - Okay? - You've been playing house. 1878 01:24:10,814 --> 01:24:12,221 - Oh, Shit! - I let my son... 1879 01:24:12,222 --> 01:24:13,980 - What are you talkin' about? - ...fall in love with you. 1880 01:24:13,981 --> 01:24:15,804 - Oh come on, that is not true. - You've been lying this whole time. 1881 01:24:15,805 --> 01:24:17,757 I'm not... I have not lied! I have... 1882 01:24:17,758 --> 01:24:21,915 I have not... I am... I would not lie to you. To him, okay? 1883 01:24:21,916 --> 01:24:24,157 I wasn't trying to hurt you. 1884 01:24:24,158 --> 01:24:26,492 - Wow, you really, you really... - Really what? 1885 01:24:26,493 --> 01:24:27,612 2 different people, my friend. 1886 01:24:27,613 --> 01:24:30,460 Oh, come on. I am not, okay? 1887 01:24:30,461 --> 01:24:32,092 But you're gonna figure it out. 1888 01:24:32,093 --> 01:24:34,481 Figure what... What are you doing? 1889 01:24:35,230 --> 01:24:37,235 Y-y-you're just gonna go? 1890 01:24:38,814 --> 01:24:40,029 Okay. 1891 01:24:40,030 --> 01:24:41,021 Great. 1892 01:24:41,022 --> 01:24:42,547 Great, okay. 1893 01:24:43,485 --> 01:24:45,362 [laughing] Great! 1894 01:24:47,454 --> 01:24:49,308 Wonderful. 1895 01:24:49,309 --> 01:24:50,429 Fuckin'... 1896 01:24:50,430 --> 01:24:52,348 [cellphone ringing] 1897 01:24:52,349 --> 01:24:54,941 [indistinct chatter] 1898 01:24:54,942 --> 01:24:56,923 Who wants more wine? 1899 01:24:56,924 --> 01:24:58,109 - I'll take some. - Great. 1900 01:24:58,110 --> 01:24:59,793 [cellphone ringing] 1901 01:25:00,316 --> 01:25:01,564 Hello? 1902 01:25:01,565 --> 01:25:03,260 Hey, baby. 1903 01:25:03,261 --> 01:25:05,084 - Jake? - Yeah. 1904 01:25:05,085 --> 01:25:07,516 Yeah, yeah. How you doin'? 1905 01:25:07,517 --> 01:25:12,413 Um, I-I'm fine. Where are you calling me from? 1906 01:25:12,414 --> 01:25:13,821 Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail 1907 01:25:13,822 --> 01:25:16,156 for cool people who fucked up? 1908 01:25:16,157 --> 01:25:17,531 Just one big old jail for everyone. 1909 01:25:17,532 --> 01:25:20,530 Jake. What happened? 1910 01:25:22,078 --> 01:25:25,778 Well, I ran into our old college buddy, Matthew Sobvechik. 1911 01:25:27,773 --> 01:25:30,524 Oh, baby, what did you do? 1912 01:25:30,525 --> 01:25:33,372 Well, I, um... 1913 01:25:33,373 --> 01:25:37,404 I, uh, sorta beat the shit out of him. 1914 01:25:37,405 --> 01:25:39,964 - Fucked up his life a little bit. - ...what it was. 1915 01:25:39,965 --> 01:25:41,681 Why did you do that? 1916 01:25:43,038 --> 01:25:44,562 I, um... 1917 01:25:45,470 --> 01:25:47,667 Well I just, um... 1918 01:25:49,342 --> 01:25:51,507 I just really miss you. 1919 01:25:52,797 --> 01:25:55,537 Yeah, I think about you like, all the time. 1920 01:25:56,701 --> 01:25:58,619 You know what, the word think is... is wrong 1921 01:25:58,620 --> 01:26:00,348 because I don't actively do anything. 1922 01:26:00,349 --> 01:26:02,770 You're just... here. 1923 01:26:07,868 --> 01:26:10,140 But I didn't... I didn't think I'd remember you. 1924 01:26:10,141 --> 01:26:12,124 You know I thought that I would forget about all of it. 1925 01:26:12,125 --> 01:26:16,028 And I, uh, didn't. You know, I just, uh... 1926 01:26:16,029 --> 01:26:17,852 I know we're no good at this shit. 1927 01:26:17,853 --> 01:26:19,644 And that's why we agreed to stop seeing each other. 1928 01:26:19,645 --> 01:26:21,362 So we wouldn't fuck it up but... 1929 01:26:22,653 --> 01:26:25,147 But I want you to come back. 1930 01:26:25,148 --> 01:26:28,626 I need you to... Because, uh... 1931 01:26:31,390 --> 01:26:36,434 Because I'd rather fail with you than win with anyone else. 1932 01:26:39,773 --> 01:26:41,938 [instrumental music] 1933 01:26:42,972 --> 01:26:44,370 Hello? 1934 01:26:46,846 --> 01:26:50,236 - Lainey, are you still there? - Just keep talking. 1935 01:26:50,237 --> 01:26:52,444 I love hearing your voice. 1936 01:26:52,445 --> 01:26:54,428 - I love hearing you say my name. - Oh, you do? 1937 01:26:54,429 --> 01:26:55,549 - Jake. - Lainey! 1938 01:26:55,550 --> 01:26:57,372 - Jake. - Lainey! 1939 01:26:57,373 --> 01:26:58,365 - Jake. - I love you so much. 1940 01:26:58,366 --> 01:26:59,868 - I love you. - Lainey, Lainey, Lainey. 1941 01:26:59,869 --> 01:27:02,172 - I love you! - I love you so much! 1942 01:27:02,173 --> 01:27:04,060 - Hey, I love you. - I love you, Jake! 1943 01:27:04,061 --> 01:27:05,533 - Give me the phone. - Lainey, Lainey! No, no. 1944 01:27:05,534 --> 01:27:07,739 What are you doing? Fucking take it. 1945 01:27:07,740 --> 01:27:09,789 Okay, honey, you're on speaker phone in a police station. 1946 01:27:09,790 --> 01:27:13,212 - Be very careful what you say. - Hello, police. 1947 01:27:13,213 --> 01:27:16,508 I love you. I love you. Don't... don't hurt anymore people. 1948 01:27:16,509 --> 01:27:21,019 Easy. Easy. Watch it! Back off! Back off! 1949 01:27:21,020 --> 01:27:25,788 Elaine! Elaine! Elaine! 1950 01:27:25,789 --> 01:27:30,322 - I love you! I love you! - Jake, I love you. 1951 01:27:32,797 --> 01:27:35,153 [cellphone vibrating] 1952 01:27:37,564 --> 01:27:39,090 Yes? 1953 01:27:39,613 --> 01:27:41,660 Yes. 1954 01:27:41,661 --> 01:27:44,433 I will communicate the message. 1955 01:27:46,078 --> 01:27:48,124 Mr. Sobvechik will not be joining us. 1956 01:27:48,125 --> 01:27:49,787 We will have to postpone. 1957 01:27:49,788 --> 01:27:52,059 Come on. This is the third time. 1958 01:27:52,060 --> 01:27:53,853 My client has a newborn he has to spend time with... 1959 01:27:53,854 --> 01:27:56,636 We have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit. 1960 01:27:56,637 --> 01:27:59,676 Your client is clearly dragging this thing out... 1961 01:27:59,677 --> 01:28:01,650 We'll be in touch to reschedule. 1962 01:28:02,717 --> 01:28:06,034 [instrumental music] 1963 01:28:11,837 --> 01:28:14,973 I forgot that Pinkerton was an alias of yours. 1964 01:28:14,974 --> 01:28:17,235 You never caught that reference. 1965 01:28:19,069 --> 01:28:20,946 Madame Butterfly. 1966 01:28:21,980 --> 01:28:23,643 Just because I don't applaud your intellect 1967 01:28:23,644 --> 01:28:26,161 doesn't mean I don't notice it. 1968 01:28:33,917 --> 01:28:35,100 Mathew... 1969 01:28:35,101 --> 01:28:37,211 I need you to swear 1970 01:28:37,212 --> 01:28:39,035 that you didn't plan this. 1971 01:28:39,036 --> 01:28:41,149 I didn't plan this. 1972 01:28:41,150 --> 01:28:42,491 Jake's offering you a lot of money 1973 01:28:42,492 --> 01:28:44,572 to settle this emotional distress lawsuit 1974 01:28:44,573 --> 01:28:46,523 so just take it. 1975 01:28:46,524 --> 01:28:48,732 Or what? Are you... are you threatening me? 1976 01:28:48,733 --> 01:28:50,364 I don't need to threaten you. 1977 01:28:50,365 --> 01:28:54,043 Let me guess. I drop it, or you tell Emma we slept together. 1978 01:28:54,044 --> 01:28:56,753 - I'd tell her what I know. - Which is what? 1979 01:28:58,812 --> 01:29:02,098 I know that you stop breathing when you kiss. 1980 01:29:03,997 --> 01:29:06,908 That when you lean in to whisper, you put your lips 1981 01:29:06,909 --> 01:29:09,458 right up against the back of my earlobe. 1982 01:29:10,589 --> 01:29:12,379 That you kiss the back of my neck before 1983 01:29:12,380 --> 01:29:15,025 you slip my coat over my shoulders. 1984 01:29:17,470 --> 01:29:20,369 I remember every compliment you ever gave me. 1985 01:29:21,405 --> 01:29:24,306 Everything you ever did to me in bed. 1986 01:29:25,820 --> 01:29:27,035 And the day you made me yours. 1987 01:29:27,036 --> 01:29:29,149 The day you said... 1988 01:29:29,150 --> 01:29:32,699 ..."Elaine, I wish I could have known you 1989 01:29:32,700 --> 01:29:35,228 "when you were a little girl, so that I could've been..." 1990 01:29:35,229 --> 01:29:37,266 "Could've been your true love." 1991 01:29:38,621 --> 01:29:40,978 I remember too, you know. 1992 01:29:42,364 --> 01:29:44,850 Would any of it sound familiar to Emma? 1993 01:29:46,396 --> 01:29:48,604 Some, yeah. 1994 01:29:48,605 --> 01:29:49,469 I don't think she needs to know 1995 01:29:49,470 --> 01:29:51,036 the things she holds close to her heart 1996 01:29:51,037 --> 01:29:53,874 were rehearsed on someone else. 1997 01:29:56,604 --> 01:29:58,386 Goodbye, Mathew. 1998 01:29:59,389 --> 01:30:01,650 ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ 1999 01:30:03,102 --> 01:30:06,034 ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ 2000 01:30:07,580 --> 01:30:08,860 So is he gonna drop the charges? 2001 01:30:08,861 --> 01:30:09,947 Am I allowed to leave the state? 2002 01:30:09,948 --> 01:30:12,764 - He will. You may. - Good. 2003 01:30:12,765 --> 01:30:13,947 Because I booked us a flight back 2004 01:30:13,948 --> 01:30:15,196 to Michigan at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. 2005 01:30:15,197 --> 01:30:17,435 Great. I have a final at 3:00. 2006 01:30:17,436 --> 01:30:19,995 Excellent. I'll help you study. I'll make flashcards. 2007 01:30:19,996 --> 01:30:21,819 - So no honeymoon? - Oh, no, no. 2008 01:30:21,820 --> 01:30:23,292 There's gonna be a honeymoon. 2009 01:30:23,293 --> 01:30:24,221 I got us the penthouse suite 2010 01:30:24,222 --> 01:30:25,467 down at the plaza right down the road here. 2011 01:30:25,468 --> 01:30:26,780 - Nice. - Mm-hmm. 2012 01:30:26,781 --> 01:30:28,027 But first I've gotta take you downtown 2013 01:30:28,028 --> 01:30:29,885 and make an honest woman out of you. 2014 01:30:29,886 --> 01:30:32,219 - Rings? - Shit. 2015 01:30:32,220 --> 01:30:34,705 Kidding. Xander's got them. 2016 01:30:36,189 --> 01:30:38,043 I can't believe we lost our virginity 2017 01:30:38,044 --> 01:30:40,731 to each other and saved ourselves for marriage. 2018 01:30:40,732 --> 01:30:42,491 - Yeah. - That's pretty great. 2019 01:30:42,492 --> 01:30:43,517 I'm proud of us. Nicely done. 2020 01:30:43,518 --> 01:30:44,699 I mean... 2021 01:30:44,700 --> 01:30:45,659 It's not like we haven't done it. 2022 01:30:45,660 --> 01:30:46,939 - Of course. - I know what it looks like. 2023 01:30:46,940 --> 01:30:48,476 Yeah, yeah. It's been a while. 2024 01:30:48,477 --> 01:30:50,332 But I know what your situation is down there. 2025 01:30:50,333 --> 01:30:53,138 Oh, really? Yeah, how's my situation? 2026 01:30:54,077 --> 01:30:56,977 Are you kidding? It's perfect. 2027 01:30:59,164 --> 01:31:03,217 Oh, well, I'm pretty much a dream come true. 2028 01:31:06,558 --> 01:31:08,242 - Mousetrap. - Mousetrap. 2029 01:31:10,301 --> 01:31:11,869 - Do we really have to... - No, we don't. 2030 01:31:11,870 --> 01:31:13,277 ...say that. 2031 01:31:13,278 --> 01:31:15,698 Well, from safe word to code word, I guess. 2032 01:31:16,956 --> 01:31:18,459 - We should probably... - Let's go fuck first. 2033 01:31:18,460 --> 01:31:19,996 - Then we'll meet them down there. - We gotta do it now, yeah. 2034 01:31:19,997 --> 01:31:21,308 - Yeah, let's be quick. - Yeah, yeah, of course. 2035 01:31:21,309 --> 01:31:22,971 Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late. 2036 01:31:22,972 --> 01:31:24,060 Absolutely. How long shall I tell him we're going to be? 2037 01:31:24,061 --> 01:31:27,516 - A couple of hours. - Really? Luck guy, aren't I? 2038 01:31:27,517 --> 01:31:28,828 Yeah, and then we'll still go get married. 2039 01:31:28,829 --> 01:31:29,980 Absolutely. Yeah. 2040 01:31:29,981 --> 01:31:31,355 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something. 2041 01:31:31,356 --> 01:31:32,860 What? 2042 01:31:32,861 --> 01:31:36,316 ♪ We are sleeping... ♪♪ 2043 01:31:36,317 --> 01:31:37,618 That. 2044 01:31:38,398 --> 01:31:39,953 - Yeah. - Better right? 2045 01:31:41,245 --> 01:31:43,963 - So we just got 20 blocks. - Why didn't we take the bus? 2046 01:31:43,964 --> 01:31:46,811 Oh, that's a good point. Should we get on the bus? 2047 01:31:46,812 --> 01:31:49,916 - I wonder if we find the route... - Oh, you're such a romantic. 2048 01:31:49,917 --> 01:31:52,123 No, I actually left my sweatshirt, I think. 2049 01:31:52,124 --> 01:31:53,947 - I love you. - I love you too. 2050 01:31:53,948 --> 01:31:57,596 ♪ We can stay together ♪ 2051 01:31:57,597 --> 01:32:01,756 ♪ I'll keep you safe forever ♪ 2052 01:32:01,757 --> 01:32:05,138 ♪ I know that sounds heavy ♪ 2053 01:32:05,885 --> 01:32:09,425 ♪ Fuck it and whatever ♪♪ 2054 01:32:09,884 --> 01:32:12,498 ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ 2055 01:32:13,788 --> 01:32:16,241 ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ 2056 01:32:16,893 --> 01:32:19,036 Uh, Yeah, w-we'll be here. 2057 01:32:19,037 --> 01:32:22,802 Okay. Have fun? I don't know, okay, Bye. 2058 01:32:24,188 --> 01:32:27,163 Um, they're gonna be here in like, 90 minutes. 2059 01:32:27,164 --> 01:32:28,604 When have you ever had sex for 90 minutes? 2060 01:32:28,605 --> 01:32:30,588 - With you? - With anybody. 2061 01:32:30,589 --> 01:32:32,924 - Oh, many times. - You have not had sex for 90 minutes. 2062 01:32:32,925 --> 01:32:35,132 I have had like, actual intercourse... 2063 01:32:35,133 --> 01:32:37,116 I bet they're counting like, foreplay and stuff. 2064 01:32:37,117 --> 01:32:39,643 No, but maybe they are. 2065 01:32:39,644 --> 01:32:42,812 Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all. 2066 01:32:42,813 --> 01:32:44,636 I bet this sex thing is a ruse. 2067 01:32:44,637 --> 01:32:46,364 - For what? - They're having trouble. 2068 01:32:46,365 --> 01:32:48,316 Of cold feet, second thoughts. 2069 01:32:48,317 --> 01:32:49,181 Second thoughts? 2070 01:32:49,182 --> 01:32:51,067 They literally just got back together. 2071 01:32:51,068 --> 01:32:54,011 I know. But now they have this whole sex thing. 2072 01:32:54,012 --> 01:32:56,284 - I don't know. - First of all... 2073 01:32:56,285 --> 01:32:58,267 ...we had sex, at the last minute 2074 01:32:58,268 --> 01:32:59,645 right before we got married. 2075 01:32:59,646 --> 01:33:01,916 - I don't think that's true. - Really? 2076 01:33:01,917 --> 01:33:04,604 You don't remember someone sneaking into my room right before... 2077 01:33:04,605 --> 01:33:07,324 Who? Who? I'll murder him. 2078 01:33:07,325 --> 01:33:09,403 Text us if you're gonna do this. 2079 01:33:09,404 --> 01:33:11,707 And we'll be there. I've got the rings, the whole deal. 2080 01:33:11,708 --> 01:33:14,524 - So just, uh... - We're gonna have sex for 9 minutes. 2081 01:33:14,525 --> 01:33:16,060 We're gonna have sex... 2082 01:33:16,061 --> 01:33:17,468 Yes, we're gonna have sex for 9 minutes. 2083 01:33:17,469 --> 01:33:21,117 Now, I... Now, I'm super happy with 4 to 6. 2084 01:33:21,118 --> 01:33:23,803 4 to 6 minutes or 46 inches? 2085 01:33:23,804 --> 01:33:26,620 - Both. - I can get to like, 6 and a quarter. 2086 01:33:26,621 --> 01:33:28,189 - I'll show you, right now! - Prove it. 2087 01:33:28,190 --> 01:33:29,948 - Alright. - It is so cold. 2088 01:33:29,949 --> 01:33:31,388 - I can't get hard right now. - Do show me. 2089 01:33:31,389 --> 01:33:33,307 - I can't get hard right now. - Alright. 2090 01:33:33,308 --> 01:33:34,811 - Ooh, I wanna though. - Here. 2091 01:33:34,812 --> 01:33:36,252 If they're gonna be 90 minutes... 2092 01:33:36,253 --> 01:33:38,556 - Will this help? - Yeah. Ooh, that's do it then. 2093 01:33:38,557 --> 01:33:40,178 It's doin' somethin'. 2094 01:33:41,021 --> 01:33:42,939 Ooh, there's a kid lookin' at me. 2095 01:33:42,940 --> 01:33:44,987 The kid's locked eyes with me. 2096 01:33:44,988 --> 01:33:46,844 - Hey. - We made it work. 2097 01:33:46,845 --> 01:33:50,012 12 years. Who would've thought? 2098 01:33:50,013 --> 01:33:52,603 I bet... I bet my brother 7 and I'd be out. 2099 01:33:52,604 --> 01:33:54,907 - I had to give him $5000. - What? 2100 01:33:54,908 --> 01:33:56,443 Yeah, 5 years ago. 2101 01:33:56,444 --> 01:33:58,716 I gave him $5000, remember you were so mad? 2102 01:33:58,717 --> 01:33:59,835 - Yeah! - Yeah. 2103 01:33:59,836 --> 01:34:01,179 - I paid him that... - You said... 2104 01:34:01,180 --> 01:34:03,067 Because I... I lasted longer. 2105 01:34:03,068 --> 01:34:04,753 You said you got into a car accident. 2106 01:34:05,597 --> 01:34:08,092 It's weird to look at you for this long. 2107 01:34:08,093 --> 01:34:10,940 - What do you mean? - I never look at you. 2108 01:34:10,941 --> 01:34:13,457 You gotta get a good gander. 2109 01:34:16,156 --> 01:34:17,851 What are you doin'? Don't dance. 2110 01:34:17,852 --> 01:34:21,275 Don't dance, please. Ugh! 2111 01:34:21,276 --> 01:34:22,876 I don't like it. What are you... what are you... 2112 01:34:22,877 --> 01:34:25,244 Don't grind up on me. 2113 01:34:25,245 --> 01:34:26,619 - What? - There's not even music. 2114 01:34:26,620 --> 01:34:29,436 Really? There's music in my body. 2115 01:34:29,437 --> 01:34:31,260 Now, something's gonna happen. Let's get outta here. 2116 01:34:31,261 --> 01:34:34,236 Let's go back to the hotel. I wanna do stuff to your body. 2117 01:34:34,237 --> 01:34:36,763 Upstairs, downstairs. Right? 2118 01:34:36,764 --> 01:34:38,641 - Yeah. - Alright! 2119 01:34:40,765 --> 01:34:42,834 - I love you, honey. - I love you. 2120 01:34:43,068 --> 01:34:44,795 Let's go! 2121 01:34:44,796 --> 01:34:46,288 [Miniature Tigers singing "Oblivious"] 2122 01:34:48,573 --> 01:34:51,451 ♪ Lately I feel like ♪ 2123 01:34:51,452 --> 01:34:55,025 ♪ A blown out birthday candle ♪ 2124 01:34:57,373 --> 01:34:59,291 ♪ One look in the mirror ♪ 2125 01:34:59,292 --> 01:35:03,120 ♪ And I know the party's over ♪ 2126 01:35:05,469 --> 01:35:09,372 ♪ And yeah I want a big house ♪ 2127 01:35:09,373 --> 01:35:11,227 ♪ With a swimming pool ♪ 2128 01:35:11,228 --> 01:35:13,009 ♪ Oh oh oh ♪ 2129 01:35:13,660 --> 01:35:17,563 ♪ Fuck it baby I got you ♪ 2130 01:35:17,564 --> 01:35:20,796 ♪ Fuck it baby I got you ♪ 2131 01:35:20,797 --> 01:35:24,379 ♪ I'm so lost in my head ♪ 2132 01:35:24,380 --> 01:35:27,804 ♪ It's way too real out there ♪ 2133 01:35:27,805 --> 01:35:31,835 ♪ I'm lost in a daydream I don't care ♪ 2134 01:35:31,836 --> 01:35:36,208 ♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪ 2135 01:35:40,157 --> 01:35:45,938 ♪ Spaced out in the days I couldn't hear you ♪ 2136 01:35:48,956 --> 01:35:53,584 ♪ The music drowns you out I didn't care ♪ 2137 01:35:56,796 --> 01:36:00,827 ♪ I know you want a quiet house ♪ 2138 01:36:00,828 --> 01:36:03,185 ♪ With a lemon tree ♪ 2139 01:36:04,956 --> 01:36:09,180 ♪ I'm sorry baby you're stuck with me ♪ 2140 01:36:09,181 --> 01:36:12,284 ♪ I'm sorry baby you're stuck with me ♪ 2141 01:36:12,285 --> 01:36:16,027 ♪ I'm so lost in my head ♪ 2142 01:36:16,028 --> 01:36:19,483 ♪ It's way too real out there ♪ 2143 01:36:19,484 --> 01:36:23,515 ♪ I'm lost in a daydream I don't care ♪ 2144 01:36:23,516 --> 01:36:27,153 ♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪ 2145 01:36:27,612 --> 01:36:31,388 ♪ I'm oblivious oh ♪ 2146 01:36:31,389 --> 01:36:35,259 ♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪ 2147 01:36:35,260 --> 01:36:37,883 ♪ I'm oblivious ♪ 2148 01:36:37,884 --> 01:36:40,657 ♪ Oh oh oh ♪♪ 2149 01:36:41,789 --> 01:36:44,639 [instrumental music] 2150 01:36:44,640 --> 01:36:50,140 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 163943