Original subtitles

Great. Thank you very much!

What the hell, dude?

Spare change.

Hey, you saw what happened.

Can I get another milkshake?

Fuck you.

♪ Baby, I've been going Kind of crazy ♪

♪ About this wicked way... ♪

Skeleton Army has betrayed you...

They now dance to your agony as you burn to ashes.

You are dead.

That's harsh.

You wanna know what's harsh, okay?

This dead meat asking me for money

with gold teeth in his mouth. Unbelievable.

- Wait, take this! Take this! - Watch it, Freddy!

This is a limited foil cover edition!

Hey, hey, I... I noticed you had no shoes.

He doesn't care.

And I wanted to find out what...

Just kidding. Gimme that.

Don't put that in your mouth, Freddy!

What? What are you, a zombiphobe now?

You gotta stop doing this, okay? You're gonna get us in trouble.

Survival of the strongest.

- Survival of the fittest. - Whatever, dude, okay?

- He doesn't need it. I do. - You need nasty gold teeth?

No! I need cash, okay?

Besides, what do zombies needs money for anyway?

I guess earning money is all they ever did

when they were alive.

What a bunch of losers.

Oh! Time to work.

- Hey, Maggie! - Hey, shit-face.

I've got another pickup for you, and don't fuck it up this time.

Don't fuck up this...

No, we're not gonna fuck up this time.

Give us the info, Maggie.

Ladies and gentlemen, the dead are back.

There's no flesh-eating behavior,

nor hunger for brain,

they're just... here.

And that's the real disaster, isn't it?

So, you're saying we have to relearn

our behaviors towards the living-dead?

The less offensive term would be living-impaired.

What do you think, folks?

I lost my job! They don't sleep.

How the fuck can we compete with these damn zombies?

Rain. Rain.

Population has dramatically grown by 175%

within the last six months.

It is now illegal for people to dig up their loved ones.

Zombies you'd like to fuck.

Protests are rising

all over the world as the undead claim equal rights.

I'm Brad Thompson for Coleman News.

Good night, and God bless America.

We're invincible.

Mister McKenna? Hi.

Coleman's Retirement Services for the Living-Impaired.

- You called us? - Yes! Uh,

thank you for coming... so promptly,

- you guys are fast. - Yeah.

Um...

now, I want you to know that we do love him, dearly,

and it was a hard decision for us to make.

We totally understand, sir.

You see, it's my father-in-law, and it's important for my wife

that he be treated with dignity.

- That is our policy, yeah. - Okay.

My wife is very fragile emotionally.

So, if you could...

Oh!

Oh, Pop-Pop!

What did you do?

I swear if you shot him in the brain, I...

That was close.

How many times do I need to tell you?

No more shooting at Pop-Pop!

You said it yourself, Pop-Pop is just a fucking zombie.

Kids...

no, Pop-Pop is living-impaired, hmm?

And the living-impaired have rights,

so you can't shoot them, okay?

He's just like a...

- like a retard. Hmm? Uh... - Hmm.

We don't shoot retards,

do we?

- No, we don't. - Listen, uh, sir.

I don't wanna be mean and put pressure or anything

- but we're on the clock. - Yes, I... I'm sorry.

Please proceed with the extraction.

- All right. - Um.

Okay.

- Are you sure this is necessary? - They're professionals, honey.

I think we got him.

Careful guys, that chair is priceless.

Yeah. Yeah.

This ugly bastard is stronger than he looks like.

Totally normal.

Hey! Like new.

See what we had to deal with every day.

Okay, I'm just gonna need a signature right here.

Let's just proceed to payment. Uh...

Jeez.

The card reader, it's messed up again, man.

Oh, what the heck is that? That's really weird.

So sorry about this, sir, um... Do you mind paying cash?

Here you go.

- Thank you. - You did the right choice.

Okay, come on.

Hey, pleasure doing business with you, dude.

- I mean, sir. - Bye-bye now.

All right.

- Hello. - Hi. Mister McKenna?

Coleman Retirement Services for the Living-Impaired.

I... I believe your colleagues...

have already taken...

Honey?

Maddox Art is murder!

Maddox Art is murder! Maddox Art is murder!

Maddox Art is murder! Maddox Art is murder!

Maddox Art is murder!

Karl, my man!

Freddy, you're getting depressingly uninspiring.

- What do you mean? - Don't worry about it.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Come on, Don, it's not that bad!

His head is holding on a pogo stick!

Exactly! Which makes him, uh... inspiring.

Yeah, like the, uh,

the magnificent head-spinning zombie, dude!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Whoa! - See, art!

You wouldn't know art if it bit you on the ass.

I'm not going to take this one.

- Don. - Or at least, not at full price.

We have the certificate of termination and everything.

He's legit, I mean, you could do whatever you want

with him, you know, uh, no one cares.

- I'll give you half. - What?

- Take it or leave it. - That is an insult.

There's no deal. Come on, Karl, we're leaving.

Fine, you win. Half-price.

- What are you doing? - We're broke, remember?

Oh, my. You have the softest hands.

I moisturize.

Oh, hi! I'm Bob Coleman.

And for years we've been studying

the most complex structure of the universe.

The human brain.

Each second, a hundred billion neurons

are sending ten thousand electro-chemical signals

making us behave the way we do.

That's why this cute little creature...

makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

At Coleman, we're dedicated to unlocking

the secrets of the mind.

Help the research, donate your loved ones

through our Retirement Services for the Living-Impaired.

- Great. - Hmm. Bye.

Your vampire hero stands before Shiva,

the last god of evil.

And...

Shiva the Destroyer destroys Dracula.

Huh.

Why don't you just skip to the end?

What are you talking about? That would be cheating.

The whole book is cheating.

I mean, look at Dracula. He's all thin and handsome.

- He has to be thin and handsome. - No, no, no, no.

See, blood is super rich, dude. I mean, he'd be fat.

- At the very least, chubby. - Hey, Maggie!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Listen!

Do you think Dracula, the king of the undead, would be fat?

That is exactly why I don't hang out with you guys.

- This and that ugly hat. - This?

This is a hunter's hat, and I'm hunting so...

- it's appropriate. - Huh.

And I thank God everyday we didn't come

from the same ball sack.

Huh. Thank you. That's nice.

Hey, Maggie, I got you a milkshake.

Why? You know I don't drink milk.

Well, milk builds strong bones.

- I'm lactose-intolerant, Freddy. - Oh, I don't mind farts.

- Farts are natural. - Stop.

Karl, just hand me my share.

Uncle Gary!

There's an ear in my fries, again!

Yeah, I... I told the cook about it,

but he couldn't hear me!

Good one!

I'm gonna leave you a bad review!

This time I'm serious!

Karl.

- Yup. - You're short.

Oh, yeah. Um... funny story.

Don, he paid us half because it was damaged goods,

and, uh, that's not our fault, technically so, uh...

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Are you pissing down my back and calling it rain?

No! We're not into that thing.

It's a metaphor, you dumbass.

Look, can you just trust me for once?

- Trust? - Yeah.

Listen to your brother.

You know he's telling the truth.

Oh, oh, did you hear that? Even the captain... Hey!

You're a lying piece of shit, Karl!

You're a lying piece of shit, Karl.

That's a collectable.

Maybe we might have beheaded the pickup.

Hey, hey, hey! Traitor!

- See, I knew it! - No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no! And this is horse shit, okay!

We're the ones doing all the hard work

while you sit on your fat ass all day!

- Hey! - Oh, really?

Ow, ah, my knee!

Really, can you hack into Coleman's system? Hmm?

Any of you?

I guess you'd ask Captain Galacticus to do it?

No, Captain Galacticus would ask Meta to do it.

Well, then I'm Meta, he's the muscle

and you're just a prick getting a free ride.

Wait, you're leaving, already?

Yeah, I've had my dose of cheesedicks for one day.

Anyway, I got a date.

- A date? With who? - Later!

We were supposed to celebrate!

Hey! Thanks a lot, Judas.

For your information, I know exactly what a metamorph is!

- Metaphor. - Metaph...

- Metaphor. - Metaphlor.

- Yeah, there you go. - Metaphlor.

By all means. Finish your cracker.

This is one of Coleman's biggest processing plants worldwide.

In order for operations to run smoothly

and for the company to profit,

every employee must follow the chain of command

with integrity, excellence, dedication and initiative.

We expect no less from our workers,

and we won't hesitate to cut off dead weed

in order to allow for stronger growth.

That being said, do you know why you're here?

We, um, we got our pickup stolen.

Hmm. Not just one pickup, Dave.

Oh, uh, actually, it's, uh, Stanley.

Ah. [exhales] Stanley.

Over the last month, there have been a lot

of missing pickups and repeated errors

all coming from your sector.

Cracker? Mm-hmm.

It's not our fault, we... we think some jackasses

are posing as us and, uh,

they're, um, stealing our pickups,

- right before we get there. - Coleman's pickups!

Gentlemen!

You are currently owing the company 25,000 dollars,

and we're withholding your last pay...

until the situation is resolved.

- Understood? - Understood, sir.

Damn!

Coming, dear!

Good morning, Mrs. Neard. Is, uh, is Karl up?

They're going to take me.

- What? Who? - The doctors.

They told me I was impaired.

Nobody's gonna take you, Mrs. Neard.

I'm pretty sure you're not dead yet.

Just tell them I won't be leaving my home.

Oh, don't worry, I'll tell them.

Good!

Now, don't just stand there, darling, come in!

Okay. Great!

- Hey, big boy. - Hey you!

- Wanna have boobs for breakfast? - Affirmative.

That'll be 200 credits, honey.

I'm coming, baby.

Love the sound of that!

What you gonna do

when Wild Gringo walks on you?

- Hey, hey! No! - Get over here!

Oh, God, no.

Whoo! One, two, three! Whoo!

And the crowd goes wild for Wild Gringo!

- Whoo! - Freddy!

What?

What do you mean what? I was busy!

- Don't look. - Hmm.

- You were masturbating? - Yes okay! Get out!

Okay.

Get out!

I'll give you couple of minutes.

Fuck!

Are you busy, too?

Yeah.

- So, had a fun night? - Yeah.

It was the best fucking night of my life.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

So, um, yeah, uh,

Maggie, I've been thinking a lot.

Well, I just wanted to say that you are...

Oh.

So...

Huh. You guys ready for a pickup?

Pickup? Yes, yes! Hell... Heck, yeah.

Uh. Karl's gonna need like five minutes.

Why?

Jeez.

Is this really the place?

Hey! You're my best friend, Karl.

Can I get your honest opinion on something?

Sure.

Okay. So, you want my honest opinion

- on a rotten finger? - No, dude! The... the ring!

It's ugly. Happy?

Hey! Uh. I'm thinking about proposing to your sister.

Half-sister! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Yeah. I mean, I don't know, I... I feel ready,

and I'm pretty sure she is, too.

Don't you think you're skipping

crucial steps here? You're not even dating!

Oh, my God, and that horrid thing stinks, man.

Well, yeah, that's just the finger.

If... It's the ring stuck to it...

- If I can get the ring off... - Freddy, it says "OG" on it.

Yeah, 'cause she's my Original Girl.

It's a gangster ring!

And you know what, man, dating a coworker is unethical!

Yeah. Especially my sister.

- Half-sister! - Whatever, man!

This conversation grosses me out!

Maggie doesn't even like you.

- Freddy, I'm... I'm sorry, man. - No. No.

- No, no, I'm sorry. - You're probably right!

Because masturbating to ZILFs on the internet

makes you a relationship expert.

- Oh, okay, you wanna go there? - Yeah, I wanna go there!

- Let's go there! Let's go there! - Yeah, I wanna go there!

Ow!

Rise and shine, ladies!

What do we have here?

Karl Neard... and, uh, Freddy Mercks,

crocodile hunter's little brother

and his hippo friend.

Well, I'll have you know that hippos are actually

one of the deadliest animals of the...

Oh. Shut up!

And by the way, we're no longer friends.

Really? You really want to do this now?

I'm sorry. Do you guys hear something?

- Oh, come on. - 'Cause I don't hear anything.

- Freddy, they have guns! - Yes! We have guns!

- Listen to your friend! - He's not my friend!

Shut up! Shut the hell up!

Don't you two idiots want to know why you're here?

- Well, we're here for a pick up. - Yes, I know, I called it in!

It was a trap!

Jesus! We know you two idiots stole from us!

The ring. Right! The gangster ring!

- That's Maggie's ring! - She doesn't like you.

This isn't working.

Rocco, I don't think these guys understand what's going on here.

Why don't you show them what we're capable of.

No, no, no, no, we understand. It's fine.

Rocco, this is not necessary, please, please!

No! No! Please.

I'm just not quite sure

what we're supposed to understand from that.

- Yeah, no, me neither. - I mean...

Shut up!

You don't disrespect the Wild Gringo.

Karl's grandma hits harder than that!

Grandma you say? She sweet?

- She's the sweetest. - Change of plans.

Now, tell us again what happened.

Listen, I have nothing

against the living-impaired.

But one of those got naked in front of my six-year-old!

Oh, come on!

He doesn't even have a penis anymore!

Well, I'm pretty sure I did see

at least one testicle!

Ladies! Now, what do you think?

We'll be back after these messages.

Fucking slackers!

- Really, guys? - Huh! What!

You're piss drunk, aren't you?

A trap! It was a trap!

- What? - The pickup!

- The pickup was a trap! - Yeah! There's blood!

Is this blood? Is this my blood?

I don't know!

- What the hell is that? - I don't know.

Oh, my God!

What if it's a bomb?

Okay, what are you guys on?

- Go on, press Play! - Are you insane?

- Like I'm gonna fall for that. - Okay, I'll do it!

No, Freddy! No!

Come on, guys, it's not funny anymore.

So...

- No! - So...

Oh, Freddy. No!

Our saving throw is not high enough to survive this, Freddy.

You know it! Please, please! No!

We work for Coleman and we've uncovered

your shitty little scheme.

Grandma?

You've stolen 25,000 dollars'’ worth

of living-impaired pickups.

But you know what, make that 50, for our troubles.

We want the money back or sweet old granny over here

goes bye-bye.

I told you, I will not be leaving my home.

You have 24 hours. I'll call you.

What kind of cheap-shot fart-knuckle asshole

goes for your grandma?

Okay, guys, we need a quick job that pays a lot.

Like what? Robbing a bank?

Oh! Why don't you ask Don to help us?

No, I'm not interested in that.

- Yes! - Yeah.

No, no, no, I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Why not? He's super connected

and... he really likes you, man.

Yeah, exactly! I mean, he's very, you know,

"touchy-touchy-feely" kind of guy,

and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like it.

That's it? You have any idea how ridiculous you sound?

Yeah! You're being super selfish!

- Oh. - Karl...

You gotta take one for Granny.

Jeez!

- Jeez or jizz? - What?

It's toothpaste. Don't be so immature.

Uh-huh.

Karl, I'm glad you called.

From what I understood, you're in deep, and it stinks.

Now that is an accurate metamorph,

my good sir.

Uh. Karl said you might have a job for us?

I don't, but the boss does.

- A high profile pickup. - So, when do we meet him?

You're about to.

Ladies and gents,

the mad artist of the macabre, the one and only, Otto Maddox!

Huh, so it is art.

This is a nice place. A bit dusty, but cozy.

Listen up, Granny!

Let me make this crystal clear for you.

You do what I say, you don't run, you don't scream,

and it'll all be over in no time, hmm?

But you try anything funny,

and my friend, Rocco, over here, is gonna impair you.

Oh, I'm already impaired, dear, but thank you.

- I think I'm impaired too. - No shit, Sherlock.

The Darwin awards called, they have a trophy for you.

- Really? - No! Not really, Rocco!

Jesus Christ! Look, I have shit to do.

You keep an eye out for me, okay, while I'm gone.

And stop playing with your gun.

God!

My doctor said it's important to keep your brain stimulated,

so I suppose they have activities scheduled here?

- Hmm. - Bingo Mondays?

Social dance Fridays?

All right, make yourselves comfortable,

he'll be right with you.

We'll talk about my finder's fee later, hmm?

For the record, I hate you guys.

You're so stuck up, relax.

- Wow. - Oh, dude!

Isn't that the girl that you were masturbating to?

Shut! No! That's the real one.

Oh, my God. The jewels of rock.

The blade of death. Even got Rupert!

- Isn't she marvelous? - Yeah.

No! You got a 35-millimeter print

of the banned film Zelvirella?

Sir, there's like only five copies in the whole world!

Yes, and I own all five of them.

Welcome!

Welcome to my private exhibition.

- Oh, fuck me! - God!

Don told me you are the best in the hunting business.

- Really? - Uh. Yes. Yes, we... we are.

Yes. You know, I... I... I really dig your style.

Thank you. Throughout my life, I gathered quite the collection.

Though I feel my existence will remain incomplete

until I possess this last, but not least, precious piece.

I want her at my arm, tomorrow night,

for my big performance.

- Zelvirella? - Yes,

the queen of the dead, the exquisite Debbie Jones!

She's been located, in her family plot

at the Country Hill Cemetery.

You'll find all the boring info in there.

So, uh, just another pickup then.

Actually, it's a bit more complicated.

This cemetery is Coleman's property.

Wha... You want us to steal from Coleman?

Exactly!

I do not want my name mixed in some shady business.

That's why I'll pay you 25,000 to bring her to me.

You know, we're really looking at the Express VIP service here,

- and it's, uh, it's double. - Oh, I'm not here to bargain,

this is the job, this is the payment.

Well, all true collectors know that Zelvirella is worth

beyond the Express VIP service, isn't she?

He's very smart. All right, 50,000 it is.

Bring me my queen!

So, let me get this straight.

We wanna steal from Coleman to repay Coleman,

for stealing from Coleman.

Yep! That is exactly what we're gonna do.

- What? - Nothing.

No, it's just, you're all glittery.

You're... It's pretty.

Uh. Thanks. I guess.

Yeah! It's super cool having you,

you know, with us, in the van...

Watch out!

Have you got a death wish, buddy?

You're gonna get us killed, asshole.

Just pay attention to the road instead of staring at me.

That's really mean, Maggie.

Like, have you ever seen an asshole?

It's not pretty!

I looked at my asshole once.

I mean, with a mirror, you know.

What? You guys were never curious?

Overpopulation, diseases, epidemic.

The smell alone makes my stomach turn.

Sixty million people die each year on a global scale,

adding to the living-impaired population count.

Now, in military terms... we call that an invasion.

What do you think is gonna happen

when they outnumber us, when they turn against us?

We need to restore balance,

and the only way for that change to occur

is to engineer society's perception of the undead.

All eyes will be on this event.

Including pro-living-impaired activists,

making the Otto Maddox art show a perfect target.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to present,

Project Zoltan.

Doctor West, the floor is yours.

Mr. Hannity, may I have a word with you?

Sit.

Sir, I understand the situation might be unstable,

but I assure you the formula is working.

And as people say,

- shit happens. - I'll stop you there.

This little project of yours is costing me a shitload of money!

With all due respect, sir, you can't make an omelet

without breaking some eggs.

And you can't make chicken soup out of chicken shit, can you?

This is it, I'm shutting your ass down.

You've got great qualities,

I'm sure they'll appreciate you at Coleman Malaysia.

Go, go, go, go, go! Guys, come on.

- We're invincible! - You guys need to dig fast,

I don't know how much time we got

before the next patrol.

Maybe you can, uh, come out and help us.

No, we only have two shovels, genius.

Yeah, no thanks. I'm just gonna keep the engine running,

and keep an eye on Coleman's Security System.

Freddy, for fuck's sake, tie your goddamn shoelaces!

- No, I don't tie my shoes. - What are you, five?

Maggie, it's a way of life.

The only time Freddy got knocked out,

he was tying his shoe.

He sneezed and smashed his face on his own knee.

- Dude, dude! That was a secret. - Four stitches!

- Guys, I don't care. Just go! - Yeah.

We're in.

Debbie Jones, here we come, baby.

No way.

Coleman, you shady motherfucker.

- Yeah. Yeah. [chuckles] Oh. - Yeah.

No way.

Oh, shit!

Guys! Guys, guys, guys! We got to go!

Okay, I present to you

the Queen of the dead,

- Zelvirel... Oh, my God! - Oh, fuck me!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's all dried up!

Yeah, super dry, like extra crispy dry!

She's a freaking skeleton!

There's no way Maddox is gonna pay us for this.

Let's give her a chance.

Maybe she's still somewhere in there.

She just needs our help waking up. Right?

Hear my voice! Rise!

Rise!

Rise!

You broke her into pieces!

Keep your fucking voices down!

Or what, Maggie?

I mean, look at this! We're screwed anyway!

What could be worse?

What the heck!

Someone shot me!

- They shot me! - Freeze!

Stop shouting freeze? You already fucking shot at us!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Freddy, I don't wanna die.

I don't understand! We... we use it all the time!

Mr. Hannity?

Please. I... I swear it's not my fault.

He got strangled with the sex swing.

Well, well. Welcome back, Mr. Coleman.

- Is he able to speak? - Short answer is no.

Oxygen shortage and intracranial hemorrhage

will leave your brain damaged.

I need a word with him. In private.

Mm-hmm.

Bob, Bob, Bob.

May I call you Bob?

You've always been a source of inspiration,

seizing all opportunities as they present themselves,

never taking bullshit from anyone, hmm?

Well, now, I'm seizing mine.

I'm taking over.

I've got big plans for the Coleman Corporation.

One, two, one and one, two...

And step, step, and one, two, back.

- One, two. - What the hell is going on here?

Social Dance Friday.

He's making great progress, he's a natural.

Thank you!

And... and what have you guys done with my place?

- We tidied up a bit. - You did what?

It was dusty.

She is our hostage, numb nuts! Not our maid!

Now, now, settle down.

I got the perfect remedy for grumpy boys.

- Freshly baked sweet rolls. - Sweet rolls, man!

We are so fucked.

I'm so fucking cold...

You're not dying, Karl.

I think I'm losing too much blood...

It's just a tiny... It's a scratch. You're fine!

Oh. [gasps] Oh, shit! You actually got shot.

- Yeah! I told you! - Dude, chicks dig scars.

Cheeseburgers? Really?

Thank you for all the extra lactose, Freddy.

Since when is there lactose in cheeseburgers?

Oh!

- What's up, losers! - It's them!

Um. I'm gonna put you on speaker phone, okay?

- I think I hung up on them. - Freddy!

I didn't do it on purpose!

Oh, here, here!

Did you just hang up on me?

- Stan? - Maggie!

- What, you two know each other? - No!

So, after all this time,

you're still Coleman's little bitch, huh?

Screw Coleman, okay!

If you don't bring my 50K in 12 hours,

this old sweet old granny over here goes bye-bye.

Hey, hey, hey!

How do we even know she's alive, huh?

- Good point. - She is fine.

Yeah, well, then put her on the phone!

- Really? - What the hell was that?

Uh, uh, nothing! What the fuck, Rocco?

- Put the gun down! - What gun?

Look, put Grandma on the phone right now, or the deal is done!

- Yeah. - Yes.

Uh. Yes. Um. She's coming.

Come on, wake up. Please, wake up. Plea...

She's back!

Speak!

- Hello. - Grandma.

Oh! Hello, sweeties,

- isn't it a beautiful day? - Are you okay?

Is that bastard treating you well enough?

- Language, young lady! - All right! That's enough!

You got 12 hours! Got that?

- So, how do you know this prick? - He's my ex.

- You slept with the enemy? - Thank you, Freddy,

for the reminder!

Shit!

Okay, we need another Zelvirella.

You mean like the one that Karl masturbates to?

Can't you just say "jerk off" like normal people do?

Show us!

I'm not gonna jerk off in front of you guys!

Show us the girl, you sick fuck!

Hey, would you quit crying,

you overgrown cry baby?

I've never shot a granny before.

Oh, there, there. Aw.

Oh, she's live.

Uh, wait. I wanna see.

That totally looks like her.

This could actually work. So, how do we find her?

Well, they also have a massage parlor,

and you can go and book private sessions.

Not that I ever tried. I'm just saying.

Yeah, I guess, there's a first time for everything.

♪ You get me high ♪

♪ Electric love... ♪

Username?

- Master-_bator69. - Come again?

- Master-_bator69. - Just give me a second.

- How original. - It's a play on words, Maggie!

- Mm-hmm. - So, you do use that word.

- Double-standard much? - Platinum member! Wow!

Which one of our delightful ZILF girls

have you come to see today?

- We are here for Zelvirella. - Of course, your favorite.

Oh, it says right here

you never claimed your membership rewards.

Well, it says it right here.

And boy did you accumulate some points!

So, here's your free Platinum Membership pin...

gel for your penis...

a lovely ZILF T-shirt...

some coupons...

and, of course, our famous...

- pocket penis laser pointer! - Oh!

Okay, look, we don't have time

for free swag, okay?

God. [exclaims] God!

Oh, that laser is brutal.

Uh, you can proceed to booth 23, she'll be right there with you.

Okay.

♪ ...My super, sticky Dirty heart ♪

Oh, and, uh, Platinum member's friends...

do get a special discount. Care for a trial?

No. We'll just wait outside.

Don't touch anything, Freddy.

Happy to finally put a face on my best tipper.

Hello.

Hi.

Oh, you're kinda cute.

- You too. You smell nice. - Thanks.

So?

- First time here, huh? - Uh, yeah.

Just open it. Ow!

Are you having fun, Karl?

It's not what you think, Maggie. Get away!

Hey, maybe we can give them like five minutes?

- What? - Oh, come on. He needs this.

I'm hanging out of a window!

Are you friends gonna be watching? 'Cause it's creepy.

- No! It's my sister. - Ooh! Well, we can invite her

- if you wanted... - No, no, no, no, no!

Extra players need to register first!

Oops.

Look, we don't have much time, okay?

Oh, wait, did you come here to save me from my pimp?

Yeah! Yeah, sure.

Wait, why? Is he mistreating you?

No, he's just so overprotective, you know?

It's suffocating! Like...

Oh, shit.

Hey! This is against house rules! Open up!

Everybody out! Now!

Nobody tells me what to do, girl.

Oh, shit.

Oh, come on!

Hey! Your membership is terminated!

Sadly, we are also expecting

a big protest against living-impaired abuse.

That's a real shame

for freedom of speech. Well, if you're traveling by car,

and don't want to be late for dinner

you should definitely avoid the Art District.

Love. It's the best feeling, right?

I'd rather be in a car crash.

- Freddy, pull over! - Okay, okay.

Perfect.

- I'm stuck. - Thank you, we can see that.

I can't fucking believe you! You just drove right into him!

- He hit us! - Li... Li... Liar!

- Shut up! - You okay, there? Poor thing.

- I've been worse. - Aw.

You weren't paying attention. Again!

I was paying attention

to you being negative. Again!

Would you two just cut it for like a second, please?

In other news, Country Hill Cemetery has been

the theater of yet another hate crime.

The police are looking for three suspects

driving a green delivery van.

They are deemed armed and dangerous.

You know, the police is looking for us now.

Wait, what did we do this time?

Oh! Nothing serious. Just you know, um, a hate crime!

- That is a load of bullcrap! - All right!

You said you're the brain of the operation, Maggie.

So, you got any great plan to get us out of this?

Yeah, I got a plan. I got a plan.

I got it, uh, right, uh, right here!

- That's very mature, Maggie. - Mm-hmm.

Says the guy who looked at his own asshole.

Asshole!

You shut up!

Asshole.

- Uh, Captain! - There, dickless. Go, fetch!

Guys! Guys! Guys! Come on!

None of our assholes are gonna matter

if we don't get back on the road, like, right now!

Okay.

Hey! Hey, hey, come on, big guy!

- Don't mind me. - Shut up.

How about I call us an Uber?

Hey, losers, clock is ticking.

All right! Now look, shitstick, we're on.

Meet us at the Maddox Gallery, with Grandma.

Take it or leave it!

That shitty attitude,

I missed you, Maggie.

- What a twat! - Yeah!

All right, let's hope that old glittery fart

likes bootlegs.

Zelvirella?

Zelvirella?

Oh, shit! She's gone?

Well, of course, she's gone! I mean, we kidnapped her!

Go get your girl! Go!

No! No!

No, oh! [gasps] Bad! Bad!

Is Mr. Coleman appreciating his new scenery?

Mr. Hannity.

We've made great progress.

However, I'm afraid we need more time.

Why? I've seen the tests. They're fine.

They looked scary.

Focus on scary and stay away

- from the party-popper heads. - Yes, this is the formula

we have here, but it is extremely unstable

and infectious, we don't know...

You believe Coleman's Special Forces

can't contain this?

The protocol suggests

that we perform additional testing.

Maybe you're right.

- What are you doing? - Following protocol.

Oh, no! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Let me out! We don't have a cure!

Zelvirella?

Hello?

- Spare me! No! No! - Cut the crap.

- Where are you taking me? - We're on a job,

and we're taking you to Otto Maddox at the Gallery!

Otto Maddox?

- Artist and billionaire? - Yeah, yeah.

He wants you to be his date for tonight's event.

- Oh! - Huh?

Oh!

- Oh, that's so romantic. - Ow! Watch out! Watch out.

That's a... It's a... It's a bullet wound.

It'll probably leave a scar.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's so gross!

You wanna know what's gross?

Is that you ever dated that jerk.

Get over it. I told you, it only ever

happened like once or, you know...

twice. Why am I trying to justify myself to you,

it's none of your fucking business anyway!

- I was just kidding. - Very funny.

- Thanks. - It's sarcasm, Freddy.

Yeah, duh! Yeah, I knew that.

Oh!

Looks like you folks got a problem.

Uh-huh.

Let me give you a hand

with that!

I got just the right tools in my car!

Oh, uh, you don't have to do that, sir.

Pleasure, ma'am.

- He just "ma'am-ed" me. - Did he? I didn't...

- I blacked out. - Okay, we're so royally fucked!

No, I think if we just play it cool, we'll be fine.

Yeah! I tried to swerve out of the way but he just,

like, jumped right in front of me!

Don't worry about it. Happens all the time.

These sons of bitches, they're worse than possums!

- Yeah. - Hold that for me, sir.

Yes, I can do that.

All righty. Let's start with the head.

Wow, that was...

- quick. - Majestical.

Oh, jeez.

Well. Here you go, folks.

You might wanna stop at a car wash,

- get rid of that smell. - Yeah.

Well, you're a real lifesaver.

Yeah! No, that was really, really nice of you.

Now, drive safe.

What the hell did you do that for?

To save your asses!

That is assault on an officer of the law!

Yeah! A really nice officer

that had no idea that we were wanted!

And how was I supposed to know that?

I thought that it was super brave.

I am so done!

I will be in the van. Fuck all of you!

Well, we can't just leave him there.

I'm Chelsea Lee, your favorite Red Carpet correspondent,

here at the Maddox Art Gallery

where the glitterati of Necropolis is here

and Mother Teresa is here!

Mother Teresa, oh, my goodness!

Isn't she looking lovely in her designer robe?

Nobody pulls off white and blue like Mother Teresa!

Mother Teresa, you rock the white and blue!

Martinis later?

You should see her on the dancefloor,

she is a maniac!

Here at Coleman News,

we don't let protesters ruin our night,

and we just look forward to the art.

I look forward to seeing

what Otto Maddox is going to release today.

Who knows, last time, it was very controversial.

Tonight, it's probably going to be even more racy.

But Coleman News...

will show you everything.

Let the show begin.

Oh, my God! Have you guys seen this place?

There she is!

My queen! I was getting impatient.

She's as magnificent as a thousand suns rising

over the ocean.

All of this is yours?

Oh, yes, darling, yes. All of this, and you.

You sure know what you want.

Wow! She's in pristine condition.

Oh. Botox and fillers, you know how it is.

I've had some work done myself.

- Oh? - Hmm.

Okay! Let's get her clean and dressed!

Stop right there, dude!

You got our money?

What I wouldn't give for the golden star

of my celestial realm.

Oh.

Stop!

Stop, okay? Stop! The deal is off!

Shut the fuck up, Karl!

You trying to ruin my mood?

No, no, no, no, no, he's just, you know, jealous.

No, no, we like each other!

Hmm, that's real sweet, honey,

but this is a huge opportunity for me, so.

Hmm.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Grandma.

She's not the real Zelvirella, she's a ZILF girl...

and she's the love of my life.

Okay, listen, he is just being emotional.

What did you just say?

I said that he's just being emo...

Not you!

I got fooled by a cosplayer?

Ah! She's a worthless fake!

Do I look like a man you can play games with?

What now?

No!

Yeah, come at me.

- Sorry, Karl. - Get off him!

Adios, guys!

Go to hell, Don!

Shit!

I'm sorry.

Dude, you just killed Mother Teresa.

- She was so mean! - Yeah, super rude.

Way out of character.

Hit that glittery fucker!

Huh!

Not bad for a worthless fake, huh?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Play nice.

No, no, no, no!

Why are they so hostile all of a sudden?

There has to be a logical explanation.

Maybe there's bath salts in the hors d'oeuvres?

That's actually plausible.

Hey.

You really meant what you said up there, master-_bator?

You can actually call me Karl.

I'm Jane.

Go, go, go!

Move. Move, move, move! Come on! Guys, we gotta go! Go, go, go!

Oh, shit!

Holy fuck, are you guys seeing this?

Yeah, it's like, uh...

- In the movies. - Yeah.

What the hell are we supposed to do now?

Okay, we charge at them

and we hit them in the brain real hard.

Yeah, and don't let them bite you.

- Great plan. Genius. - Thanks.

Oh, that was sarcasm. I...

Oh, for fuck's sakes!

Where's my money?

Look, we have it. Almost.

What do you mean, "almost"?

You know what freaking time it is? It's freaking time's up!

Dangerous bio-terrorists have claimed

responsibility for the ongoing Maddox Art Gallery attack.

The terrorists have been identified

as being Karl Neard, Freddy Mercks,

Maggie Neard, and Jane Doe.

Feminist, activist, terrorist.

All very dangerous to our freedom.

Oh, now, we're terrorists?

No, no, no, no. We're bio-terrorists, okay?

- It's far worse! - Thank you, Karl,

that really helps a lot.

- Wait! Where's Jane? - Who?

Look, she's right there!

- They're not attacking her. - I know, it's weird.

It's like they're only attracted to us. Warm-blooded.

Look, she's getting our money.

- That back-stabbing bitch! - Heart-stabbing, Maggie.

Heart-stabbing.

- So, we hit them in the brain. - Real hard.

Here.

- Oh, 'cause I'm the girl? - No, 'cause you're badass.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Before we do this, and you know, most probably die,

I just thought it would be really cool

to have you as a brother-in-law.

Hey, don't I get a say in that?

Okay, uh, listen, Maggie, I'm...

I'm really sorry being jealous of your ex-boyfriend,

who is an asshole.

And I'm sorry too, okay?

I know, I made the plan fail, and that was selfish.

I get it, so, I'm sorry.

You guys are so lame, but adorable.

All right, fine. Okay, uh,

I swear to God, if we ever get out of this thing alive,

I will...

play D&D with you.

- Good enough. - Uh, dude, that's huge!

- I know. - Okay.

We're gonna show these rotten bastards

- what happens... - Hey! Ugh!

- Hold on. - Maggie!

You can't go into battle with your shoes untied.

- Okay. - Okay!

We're gonna show these rotten bastards

what happens when Wild Gringo gets wild!

We're invincible!

Ow! Motherfucker!

Maggie!

That's why we drink our milk!

I'm lactose intolerant, asshole!

Okay, uh, all right, uh, I'm gonna pick you up,

I'm strong enough to do that.

Freddy!

Guys?

Freddy, come on, wake up! Freddy, come on, please. Freddy!

Freddy, Freddy.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Shit!

Guys?

Shiva the Destroyer.

Fucker!

Welcome to Pain City.

Population, you!

- Freddy! - Oh!

That's okay.

Just kick his ass already!

That's what I'm talking about! Whoa!

Hey, don't make me... Stop! I'll stab you, man. Come on!

Oh, my God!

Whoa, yeah!

Wow! Guys!

Gringo! Gringo! Gringo! Whoo!

Ooh, that was crazy!

Freddy, look out!

Oh, my God! Oh!

- Jane? - Everybody, get on your knees.

Now!

I'm surprised you're all still alive,

but glad to meet the terrorists behind Project Zoltan.

Oh, it's Dracula's hound.

- Shut up, Karl. - Just saying.

This massacre just exposed your true nature to the world.

- You filthy zombies. - Hey, she's living-impaired.

Down on the ground, now!

Oh, hey, man!

I bet you didn't see this one coming, huh?

Tell me, how does it feel to be on your knees?

Now is not the time, Dave.

My name is Stanley.

How many fucking times do I have to tell you that?

- Who the hell is Dave anyway? - Calm down!

Everything is fine. We have the money.

- My money! - Hey, time out.

- Finders keepers. - Sneaky bitch!

Baby, I'm so sorry. I was... I was really scared.

- She was scared, Maggie! - She's lying, Karl!

- You don't know that. - I agree with both of you!

Shut up!

Enough with the fucking bickering!

Do you hear yourselves?

"I am scared." "I agree with you both."

I should shoot all of you in the fucking face.

- Give me that. - Ah!

Nice. Now...

where was I?

Ah, yes.

Your days of roaming our streets

and infecting us with diseases are over.

Well, the last disease I caught wasn't from a dead guy.

You know, you got some nasty shit going on

inside your lab yourself, I've seen it.

I bet you orchestrated this whole fucking thing.

- So, it wasn't bath salts? - You made them look bad,

so you could cash in on some big ass Coleman cleanup contract

and be the goddamn hero, didn't you?

And you all are the perfect scapegoats, aren't you?

You got me! You got me, clever girl.

Too bad no one's ever gonna find out.

Karl, laser penis!

Oh!

Yes!

- No mask! - Yeah, I know! It's all Freddy.

You ruined everything, you wretched scum!

- What have you done? - The world a fucking favor!

You look better dead, baby.

- Nice shot. - Good pass.

Oh!

- It's a miracle. - You fucking fucker!

Well, I love you too, Maggie.

Yeah, nice try, shit face.

Uh, guys? Hate to interrupt, but where's the money?

And where's Stan?

Oh, we can't.

What would my father say?

- Why can't they be together? - But I love you.

Come on, pick up. Shit.

I got the money, you knucklehead,

I got the money, you bitch.

You fucking asshole!

Any moment now.

Here they are Brad,

our terrorists are exiting the building by the front door,

as we speak.

Anything to say for your defense?

Yeah, we're innocent.

I recorded everything and I have proof.

I recorded everything and I have proof.

I do.

Yeah, so I skip to the end.

Oh, I know, I'm cheating.

Well, the good news is, we got Granny back.

She's living-impaired now, but she always thought she was,

so I guess she's finally happy.

And we didn't get arrested.

Turns out that Captain Galactica's keychain plan

didn't work out as I'd hope,

it didn't prove anything.

But all hell broke loose.

The infection got out and spread like crazy.

Welcome to the real zombie apocalypse.