Original subtitles

How much?

4:32. Unbelievable!

Another record on your last day!

It's a souvenir...

You can frame that watch now, you won't need it anymore...

A speech! A speech!

Where is my little Daniel?

Like you all know Daniel resigned last night.

He quits the 2 wheelers for the 4 wheelers

He's the opposite of human evolution that starts on all fours...

...and nobly finishes on two wheels!

I want him to know that he was the best of us all...

...and most of all, most of all, a very good friend.

We are all gonna miss you, you know!

Err... sorry Lily, was that a kiss? Or did your lips just slip?

It's not that it bothered me but I don't know what to think...

Is it clearer now?

Yep! Yep!

Because if they slipped again, your aim really sucks!

And now to celebrate Daniel's departure...

...I announce the big parade!

Open your eyes wide, Lily, because you won't see this often.

How many are they?

Oh, a lot!

They're the best!

Go for it!

Holy shit!

You rule!

So we're having a little party?

Are they from the pizzeria too?

Not exactly, no.

Looks like you'll have to show us your papers.

Sorry we left them inside but if you want we can go get them now.

Ok, but make it fast.

No problem, thanks. (Let's hit the road!)

It must have been at least 5 minutes now.

Watch it, there could be some oil.

Oil?

Yeah, it's my flat but it's also kind of my garage...

It's... it's not much...

Humm, it's... special.

Daniel?

Yes?

We've known each other for 2 years now.

Why did you wait for your last day?

I'm a bit slow. I take forever to decide.

And what made you decide?

Your cleavage.

It's nice, hey?

The dress is brand new.

Ok then... we'll try not to damage it.

You're sure it's a good idea after years of friendship?

We prepared the terrain well, now it's time to build on it.

Maybe we should wait a little more?

No, if I wait any longer...

...I'm worried that you would take it badly and I don't want to be impolite.

Oh, no!

What?

It's 6 o'clock.

Who cares, it's Saturday!

Yes, but I have to go to a meeting for my job.

What?

You just quit, did you already find a new job during the night?

Of course not, it's a meeting for my future job...

...a meeting I had to arrange months in advance.

But you've been waiting for our meeting for months...

Yes, months plus one hour. And that's one hour maximum!

Hey you, just take a number over there.

And don't forget your pictures next time. 77!

247. Wonder if she'll even get there today...

How long have you been a driver?

25 years yesterday.

I retired this morning.

It's the first morning in 25 years that I can read the news.

Ah I see...

Wake up there, number 247!

He's right here!

Your ticket, 2 pictures... sign here... and here.

So, that's your professional licence, driving certificate,...

...new car permit, notepad, license plate and the sign.

That's it?

Why, yes.

After 6 years?

You want the national anthem?

Well a little smile would have been nice.

248!

Lily!

I went to buy some croissants myself...

...and out of despair, I married the baker.

Farewell... and see you later.

Well congratulations, Mr. Daniel!

Bah, you're welcome.

Oh but please, I insist!

Well, ok then...

Hi, Daniel!

Hey, Paulo!

You're doing in tourism now?

Yeah...

The party and the parade were great, we smoked pot like hell!

Yep, it was great. But listen Paulo, I'm worried...

Why, what's wrong?

Your bike makes a weird noise. Is it working, at least?

You kidding me? I fill it with vitriol!

I had two cops on my ass earlier, you should've seen how they bit the dust!

Watch this: 2 cops at the red light up the avenue.

Lights change and I'm away and gone before they even shifted gear!

They were so absolutely pissed!

I slammed the hammer down in the tunnel, and those cops were crying for their mummy!

I'm telling you, they won't forget Paulo anytime soon!

Paulo... I can roger that, Paulo. They did NOT forget you.

Hey girlies! Still wearing that moustache?

Go, Paulo!

Hey girls! Going to the beach? I drive for free today!

It would be my pleasure! Come on!

Hey, hey, are you a "Tijuana taxi" or a nice taxi?

I'm the super-nice kind!

I open the door to ladies, don't make you car sick, shut up unless asked...

...and I even carry bags if you ask nicely.

Thank you, that's perfect, perfect!

So where are we going, miss?

You see the pink house over there, with that big door?

Well yeah, I see it.

Ok, this is where we are going.

I bet you have a favorite route to get there?

Just put all that stuff in the kitchen, I'll store it away later.

Now there's enough food for the whole week!

You're wrong, my son is coming for lunch.

What, he eats all that in one meal?

Of course not. Sunday I'm preparing...

...all his meals for the week...

... his flat is so small, there's not even a kitchen.

Besides, the poor kid can't even cook an egg.

Look. That's him on the picture, there...

He's a real computer geek. He works for IBM.

To each his own...

Right... what's your thing?

Driving, but I doubt you had time to see that.

Funny, my son is having his driving exam today for the 8th time!

8 times...! Well, 8 is my lucky number. I'm sure it'll help him.

At the end of the street, we are going to take the first to the...

...to the...to the...the?

...to the left, Mr. Carbedec.

Turn left, Mr. Carbedec. LEFT!

Turn left, we're gonna crash! Are you retarded or what? LEFT!!

Holy shit! I don't believe this! I've never seen such an idiot in 10 years!

Can't you tell your right from your left?

Well you should have told me earlier!

You need to get a fax to turn left?

Left is just left! Shit, just turn the wheel and step on the pedal!

Well to each his job.

Oh yeah? What's yours?

I wonder where they would hire an ape like that?

Where do you work? In a circus, a zoo, the CIA or what?

A mix of all 3...

You should have told me earlier, sir...

I should have sent you a fax?

Excuse me.

Can I offer you something Mr. Inspector?

Oh thank you, it looks great!

No, I thank you! You were so nice. I'll keep your card preciously!

Would you mind if I eat it in my car? Because I think I should go back to work...

Of course not! Go on, back to work!

Can you save my life?

Well basically... no.

Well... it depends, what are your symptoms?

I have to catch a flight in 25 minutes. If I miss it, I'm a dead man.

But if I make it, you're a rich man!

Humm... Mister is lucky.

I'm no physician...

...but I like emergencies! Can you buckle up, please?

Maybe we should get going now!

And here we go!

White taxi at incredible speed!

- He knocked my radar over! - What's his number?

I didn't get it, it was too fast!

Hey man, open your eyes! That's your job!

Do you think we'll make it?

Because if not maybe we should just take our time...

We'll be fine. Going slow now, but we'll gain some speed on the highway.

Don't take all those risks just for me, sir..

I don't want you to lose your licence!

Don't worry, I ain't got one anyway.

Ah... that's... great.

14 minutes and 30 seconds!

Enough time to read the paper and get a coffee. Have a safe trip, sir!

Thank you...

I don't get it.

On a computer I'm invincible!

Best in the championship, lap record in Monaco, 8 pole positions.

But as soon as I'm on the streets, I crash.

So? We're gonna drink it now, eh?

No, not that soon.

Oh c'mon Émilien, that can't be! I know they say champagne gets better with time...

... but by now it's gotta be almost vinegar! What happened this time?

Hit a butcher's... a change from newspaper stands!

You know what?

You should put a computer mouse instead of a wheel in your car.

Seriously, I swear some disabled guys do that! What...?

Oh come on...

Don't throw me that look there, oh la la... What'd I say?

Émilien, we just got a new record.

A taxi, near the harbour. Guess how fast?

140 km/h?

In first gear, yes...

Then he switched to second gear: 217 km/h!

Did you get it?

Of course, they called in for air support...

Imagine, at that speed!

Hey, did you hear that new joke? Listen, it's really funny.

What is the difference between a comb and an egg?

Err, I see... I'll just come back later, ok?

Yeah that's right!

Much MUCH later, for example after nightfall!

AND NEXT TIME, KNOCK BEFORE YOU ENTER!

Petra...

I didn't say that for you... you are always welcome!

Thanks, my little Émilien. Heard there was a problem with your license?

The news get around fast....

Talking about news, I got some! Everybody's at the Chief's meeting, except... you!

Ah no... we weren't advised!

You know, you just have to push that button...

... see there, it says "power"...!

...YOU GET THAT? I SAID IMMEDIATELY, ARE YOU DEAF ÉMILIEN?

Not anymore, chief!

So guys, after hitting banks in the Netherlands, Italy and Belgium...

...the "Mercedes Gang" just arrived in France.

I will NOT allow the Tutons to conquer our territory again!

My grandpa died at their hands, so this is a personnal matter.

So the Paris-Bonn link and German-French friendship... Kiss my ass!

Got that? Now I don't mean that against you, Petra.

You're German... right, but you're also a cop so that's ok.

And they even got the chutzpah to inform the cities they'll hit in advance!

That's outrageous!

It will be a bank in Marseille within 3 days!

RED ALEEERT! 24 hours a day!

SWATs are supporting us, we get one driver per team.

As soon as the Tutons leave the bank, our teams will follow them...

...they'll stick to their tail, acting like a venom...

That's why this operation will be called...

...Cobra!

Petra, can you please assemble the teams?

3 per car. One SWAT driver, one coordinator and a sniper.

Each team takes a codename and a position as shown on the map behind you.

Team members are listed next to the map.

You have 50 minutes to get in position.

Petra? Sorry, it's about that dinner...

...this week would be nice, because...

...see, the software that I developed...

...we shouldn't wait too long, somebody could steal the idea, you see?

No. What can't wait, you or the software?

Well it's me...

I mean, it... the software... the computer...ahhh!

You see, it's complicated! That's why I thought that...

...a dinner...

As soon as we got the Germans, I'm going to take care of you...

...I mean, of the software!

Oh, ok, that's great!

By the way, what's your team?

I'm with the Cobra, but...

... you're lucky, I put you in the best team.

Looks like we're out of coffee...

See that steering wheel? Great, huh? It's my own...

...got it from Alain Prost in person.

...has a new grip, special "Indy 500".

Even with a ton of sand, you're driving fine.

Oh yeah? Too bad we're not at the beach then.

Hey, no smoking, it irritates my eyes.

No coffee, no smoking...

And no chicks, either!

Boa calls Grass Snake. I repeat: Boa calls Grass Snake.

Grass Snake here, what's up?

Hey, it's Alain. Everything ok?

Just great. We're already swapping addresses.

And you?

We're about to get pissed at, but else we're just fine...

Hey Rachid, see the black car behind us? Let's take it!

Fuck, Marco, you nuts? Wanna steal a car in broad daylight?

Why not? Watch this...

Fuck, Marco, stop it! It's full of cops around here!

That's not our neighborhood, let's stick to what we know!

Cool down, man, no problem! All the cops are at the airport!

There isn't a cop for miles around! Now watch this...

What, you're really gonna do it?

Relax! I told you, all the cops are at the airport!

I've seen it on TV, there's Clinton and his chick meeting the Russians! Watch me!

Hey there, cops! Marco's here! Now watch him screw you, fuck you, smoke you...!

Let's grab him now!

No, no, let him take that trash car...

We need all the space we can get.

Listen, I gotta go take a piss.

Nobody gets out of the car. That's the orders.

See? I told you, they're all at the airport!

Smile guys, you're on candid camera...!

Listen, if that Mercedes doesn't get here within one minute...

...I'm getting a coffee, smoke, and WC! Got that?

We'll do all that later, pal.

To all snakes: no venom until the mouse gets out of the hole.

I repeat, no venom before the exit.

Inspector?

Oh no Petra, I was just getting into it!

I know but... it's the minister.

My respects, sir. Aren't you at the airport?

We just finished. Tell me, Gilbert...

...so what about that Mercedes gang?

Well, we localised them and we're just about to take action.

Good, good, but...

... I just talked with my German colleague...

Hold it right there, sir.

Those nazis won't have time to visit Marseille.

By tomorrow I'm sending them back to their country...

...as special cargo...

Listen. I don't want this to end as a German-French shootdown.

The war is over my dear Gilbert!

Ah but absolutely sir...

...I understand perfectly, they are just common criminals and will be treated as such.

Well then stop calling them nazis, for example...

What, I called them nazis?

Well yes.

I called them nazis?

Yes...

My tongue must've slipped because...

So I can count on you then?

Of course you can, remember the gooks...

...err I mean the Asians. Everything went smoothly.

Almost no casualties... ...at least, not on our side...

Hello? Hello? He just hung up!

You see, it's easy!

Where are those cables...

Shit, Marco! Hurry!

You're gonna move that car, asshole or do you need the keys?

We are the "Grass Snakes", meaning that we're small and COOL.

So we're gonna take this rather "COOL" than venimous, ok?

To all the snakes, don't miss the worms, we want them alive...

...at least for one hour...

I'd better let you guys handle that alone then, ok?

Plus... ...I really gotta take a leak, now!

GO!

What is going on?

Something smells fishy, sir!

Don't move, sir!

Holy shit!

We've been ambushed, send us backup!

I identified the car...

Please take note, I identified the second car!

There are 4 well trained men aboard.

Backup is on the way, sir!

Oh shit, oh shit!

Sir... I think we are shooting at cops, sir!

Looks like they're yielding, no?

Hello...? Grass Snake here... We had a small problem with the door...

Hello sir. Don't worry, you'll be out of here in 5 min.

Err... no problem, no problem...!

Thank you sir.

That's it, they are yielding now!

Hey that's funny... he looks just a bit like...

...like the minister... huh? Huh?

Oh sweetie, you didn't eat anything!

I'm not really hungry today.

Mom, stop it!

Stop worrying about your licence.

Remember your father, he never got it.

What do you mean?

I remember him driving when I was young!

That's true.

He tried the test 20 times, at the end they simply gave it to him!

Aaah... thanks for making me feel better...!

You're welcome.

Here, little David asked me if you could fix that.

Yeah, well, I'm not Super Mario!

I know, you're Super Cop, you enforce the law...

...and defend citizens against evil.

Oh sweetie, you have a nice job. I'm proud of you!

Really! Then why are you telling everybody I work for IBM?

You want me to bring you all the tickets from the neighborhood?

No.

Well then, you work for IBM and they leave us alone.

But I get to fix all the toys from the neighborhood!

You're miserable.

Just kidding, mom!

Can you call me a taxi? I'm running late.

I just found a perfect one!

Friendly, pleasant, the cream of the crop. You'll love him!

Hello?

Am I on the wrong floor?

It depends, who are you looking for?

Camille.

That's me, I mean, my mom.

Oh you're the son... the one working for Apple?

No, IBM. IBM! Mom!

Well I don't know anything about those things. I saw your picture the other day!

Ah Daniel, that's my son Émilien.

I've put labels on them... Veal on Monday, on Tuesday...

I'll be ok mom, I promise!

We should get going, I left the car alone... Bye!

Kiss!

Kiss, mummy!

Where are we going?

Boulevard Voltaire.

Hmmm... I remember the police station but not IBM...

Well that's where we're going.

I'm installing computers there.

You don't mind if I drop you off early? I don't like hanging around them pigs.

Tell me, that's a nice sound for a taxi!

Oh, an expert!

An amateur.

It's a V6, a little bit modified. You know, to make it sing a bit louder!

Hey don't sing too loud, the speed limit is 50!

Ah, you're talking about the signs written "50"?

Yep.

I thought those applied to skateboards!

Err... no, no, I think it's for anything on wheels.

Yeah but there is wheels and wheels! You see I'm at 100...

...a good car with a good driver, there's no risk!

I'm less dangerous at 100 then that piece of shit at 20 km/h...

Watch this...

Did you see that?

You bet I've seen it!

You're not afraid of radar traps?

See, I know where they are.

Pigs don't like changes, they're always feeding at the same place.

You'll see, there is one just a bit ahead.

Watch this, they are just too stupid!

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

You know it's not their fault, they just follow orders.

But nobody forced them to sign up!

Well sometimes I wonder if they were forced...

'cause you really gotta be stupid to join the cops!

Look,...

...I work with them often... ...because of the computers...

You know, the idea I had about them was wrong.

Yeah? So I guess they're even worse then?

Err... no, they're better... Not all the cops are assholes, you know...

Oh I'm sure, there are also alcoholics, crooks, idiots...

Honestly, just between us...

...do you know just ONE normal person who would dream about joining the Pigs?

And taxi drivers?

What about them?

Do you know anybody that would want to become a taxi driver?

Those bastards, who only pick you up when they feel like it?

Who scream at you when you're out of change and can't leave a tip?

Spend all day boozing in the bars, bitching and moaning about everything...

...they're in bed with the cops to screw other people...

...and when they're married to a landlord, there's a disaster just waiting to happen!

You're not married to a landlord?

- No... - Well that's reassuring!

Ok so maybe there are a few drivers that are rude to customers.

But they're not all like that!

See? With the police it's the same thing.

They're not all drunk at 6AM, eager to beat up an innocent black guy...

Some of them do their jobs, sir. Just like you... and like me.

Maybe... Yeah, maybe.

But the problem is that I'm not a real taxi driver.

So you're driving a cab just for fun? What's your real job, then?

Well, let me show you...

Do you have a bag... I'm gonna throw up!

Don't worry, as long as we're moving, nothing will come out.

Oh shit!

I'm sorry sir, that's the first time this happens!

Usually the client gets out, walks a bit... and only then...

I'm really sorry, sir!

I have to tell you a secret.

Me too, it's not my real job...

Oh...?

Oh, no...!

Oh, yes...!

Last name and first name?

Morales, Daniel.

Profession... should I write "crazy taxi driver" or just "roadhog"?

Do whatever you want.

Ok...

How fast were you going down the avenue?

Oh, about 90...

About 90?

Well it seemed like more because it's a good car...

...but in fact, we were barely moving...

- Hey, world champion, how's it going? - Just great...

Would you please go check out the toilets to see if I'm there?

Hey, remember the taxi? We caught it again 5 minutes ago.

Going 190 km/h. He's slowing down!

You see? It wasn't 90... but 19 0!

Ah... must've been the sun, I didn't see the "1" on the tacho...

That's why I was so relaxed! If I had known, I would've slowed down!

Well 90 is illegal anyway. The limit is 50... for everybody!

It applies to cars, skateboards, taxis... EVERYBODY!

Lil' cop happy now? He got me, he did his job well, he's happy.

Well my licence is my life. If I lose my car tonight, I'll be dead tomorrow.

So please, just cut the crap and finish me off quickly, ok?

Hey hey slow down, I'm allowed to enjoy this a bit!

Usually I'm the one who gets screamed at, so now that for once I'm lucky...

I didn't knock 'cause my wrist hurts.

Oh, that doesn't matter...!

That you didn't knock, I mean...

Thanks...

About your dinner, your software that can't wait...

Yes?

Well it will have to wait until my scars disappear!

Unless you want to have dinner with a scarecrow.

But it doesn't bother me... Err... I mean, you're perfect, Petra!

I mean, it's not important... ...err I mean...

Yes it is important. I'm sorry, I feel bad for you...

...and for me... But that's ok...

Ah you see! It's like that all day!

If only I could catch those German bastards...

Are you gonna finish me off? You'll see, it'll make you feel better.

Well yeah, I will have to... ...unless... you got an idea?

I could promise not to do it again?

I said an idea, not bullshit!

I'm talking about a real idea... of public interest!

You want me to pick up doggy poop?

Duh...!

Something of public interest...for me. You understand?

Think that I am representing the public...

... and you do something... for me! Got it now?

Ah I see, you want money!

Are you stupid or what?!

Well then tell me clearly what you want instead of babbling for an hour!

What - do - you - want?

Well ok.

The "Mercedes gang"... does that ring a bell?

The only gangs that I know ride choppers...

Well that gang is in bankrobbery. Yesterday was the 7th.

It's driving my boss nuts.

Ah, that sucks...

Yes, mostly for us... Listen, I'll offer you a deal.

You're a car wizard and I need a good driver.

So I'm hiring you as a trainee for 1 month. Then I'll clear your file.

You want me to play cop for 1 month?

It's your choice, a cop or a pedestrian.

I can choose Death or Shame?

Exactly!

Here you have all 7 attacks in order.

You know, I'm no Mercedes specialist... I'm more into Ferrari...

Well right now the gang is "Mercedes" but I'll tell you once they switch to Ferrari!

Pfff... a red Mercedes, how ugly!

I can see that it's red, tell me something I don't know!

We looked everywhere but you never know...

...maybe a detail.

Yeah, talk about a detail!

What?

Your gang, they are German?

Ah nice! Mercedes = Germans! Want a break? You must be exhausted now...!

Their front tires are overinflated which is typical of Germans.

Their 8" tires were ordered from Germany 'cause you can't find those here.

They look worn out, so they will need to change them soon.

On this picture, the muffler is a little bent but not on this one.

They must have bent it during an attack and got it repaired after wards.

Krueger is the only guy in Marseille that can repair those.

And Krueger... is German.

Lucky you are not a Mercedes expert!

Where are we going?

To check out Krueger, let's see what he remembers...

Well what are you waiting for? You want me to sing for you?

If I were you, I'd take the garland off in a neighborhood like this...

What are we doing now?

We begin the phase that takes up 90% of a cop's life...

... observation.

We get acquainted with the area, we survey the entries and exits...

...and analyse the situation.

And at closing time, we'll go ask Mr. Krueger a few questions.

What time does the garage close, please?

Who, Krueger? He never closes, he's an insomniac!

Aaah... thanks!

They didn't have anything else.

Too bad we didn't stop by at my mum's she makes terrific sandwiches...

MMMM her ham and cheese melt... Half Bayonne and half Parisian ham...

...it's simply wonderful.

She made you one?

Yeah...

A small slice of Swiss cheese in the middle with fresh lettuce leaves...

...and with a few pickles... Aaah, fantastic!

But that's mine!

Oh, really? Well it's awesome, congratulations!

Now what's that guy doing?

They are Koreans.

They're a real pain in the ass for my job. They work 24 hours a day.

Well they gotta sleep at some point, they're only human...

No, you'll see, they got the knack.

One taxi, one license, one permit,...

...but 2 drivers!

I dare you to recognize the difference between two Koreans!

That's unbelievable!

By the way I know a Korean... He's in the cooking business. Wanna meet him?

No. First we wait for that garage to close.

We ain't there yet, the guy's an insomniac, he never closes...

How do you know that?

I asked the bar owner next door.

Then why didn't you tell me before?

I'm a newbie, I don't have those reflexes yet, chief...!

But you don't have to be a cop for that, it's just common sense, damned!

We are here like 2 idiots waiting for an insomniac to go to sleep!

Does that sound logical to you?

Now if I were the Mercedes driver and knew my mechanic is an insomniac...

...I'd come during the night. It's more discreet, right?

Oh yeah? You think that the driver will pull up just like that...

...in his brand-new Mercedes?

I can't believe it!

A driver, if he's not driving, he'll be in a garage.

What are they doing there?

Probably getting those 8" tires from Krueger.

That's a miracle! I can't pass up such an opportunity.

If there's a problem, call HQ and give the license number, ok?

Where are you going?

After the Observation comes the Action.

I'll do the Korean trick.

What?

The Korean trick!

What a jerk!

And where do you think they'll put the tires...?

What are you doing there?

Me? Err... sleeping?

Me no house, country mine very cold...

Noooo! Please! No hurt me, me just sleeping!

I'm going to find you a house to sleep in...

...and even eat if you're lucky!

Hey, that hurts!

I'm doing what I can!

What's your name again?

Daniel.

Ah, yeah. Daniel. I'm Emilien.

Let's be pals, that'll make life easier...

Yeah, right...

So now that we are friends, what just happened...

...it stays between us, ok...?

Ok...

Do you think you could let go of my hand so I can go get some sleep?

I'm neither insomniac nor Korean...

Sure...

I waited for you all night.

I did it on purpose so you'd really want me...

You won't regret the waiting!

Always promises... let's see facts for a change!

Not bad... down a little bit further...

What? What's going on?

It's 6 AM and it's not Sunday but Monday!

You can't do that Lily! I waited all night.

And what do you think I did?

Can't you call in sick?

Right, sick on a Monday... My boss would love it...

As if nobody pulled that one before.

So? Anybody could get sick on a Monday morning!

You went to eat at your parents you ate too much...

...and you puked all night. Ain't that possible?

And a man that works all week but stays with his girlfriend on Sunday...

...ain't that possible?

I'm so sorry, Lily. I really had a shitty day.

But I promise that if you go out to with me tonight, I'll explain everything.

Ok, but I don't want to be sick Tuesday morning!

Allright, a short time at the table and a long time in bed.

We could even eat in bed to save time!

You'd better be good, that's your last chance.

I'm gonna rule!

Are we going to wait again all day in front of the garage?

No. The Observation is done, now comes the Questioning.

Do you want to see how it's done?

No...

Well, you're coming anyway!

But I'd be useless! I'd rather watch the taxi in case there's trouble!

I need a translator. In case he gets too technical!

Krueger won't have time to say a lot anyway.

Good morning guys!

Which one of you is Krueger, please?

It's the same as for waiters. It's written on the label.

Mr Krueger, I need to ask a few questions.

Don't worry it won't be long...

Fuck, I'm out of bullets!

What for? They are long gone!

- Really? - Open you eyes, the garage is empty!

Ah yeah, nobody there...!

Ah yeah, nobody there...!

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Do your questionings always work like that or was that to please me?

Well, usually I ask at least one question...!

Come, let's go out and get some fresh air.

You know, you saved my life there...

- Bof... - Yes you did.

As a reward, you won't be cop for a month...

Thanks!

...it will only last a week.

Thanks for nothing!

Look, I really need to catch that gang.

- Because of the blonde bimbo? - No!

No. Well, in part yes, but it's mostly important for me.

I'm tired of finishing every night in a trash can.

It's a question of honor. Sounds stupid, but I need this.

Can I still have the night off?

But of course...!

Are you done, can I borrow him now?

But Mom, you see...

But I lost my prescription and the doctor agreed to write another one.

They are closing in 5 minutes. It's my heart medication.

I won't let you die here. I'll have saved the whole family today!

You're so charming, Daniel!

I know, I know...

Oh my God Johnny, here they come.

Don't worry baby.

I put a bug in that bullet, they can't get away now.

You're so clever, Johnny...

It's my job, baby!

Bullseye! You're so talented...

Now all we gotta do is follow them...

- That's amazing! - ...let's go save your father.

I'll never forget what you've done for me, Johnny...

It's my job, baby!

Ok guys, we just received a call there.

So now, they're even getting a date with us!

It will be the Marseille Bank.

Since they are so precise with us I'm going to be the same with you.

I won't tolerate ANY misbehavior or accident! Nothing!

I want perfect coordination!

Two words to this mission:

Serenity...

...and efficiency.

That's why I decided to call this mission...

The mission...

...Zen.

Chief!

Let go of the grass snakes and cobras. I just got the idea of the century!

The mercedes gang will be nailed tonight or I'm not Emilien Barbadec.

"The best chicken in Marseille"

I hope you plan is fool proof Emilien 'cause this is your last bullet.

You're the one with that bullet so do me a favor... don't miss!

Everybody on the floor! Quick!

Hands up!

Lie down! Don't move!

Come on!

It's working!

Oh yeah? That's good, very good.

Follow them at a distance.

That way you won't be scared!

They stopped. Gauguin Street. I told you, we got them!

Gilbert here.

All units: block all traffic on 10km around Gauguin Street.

They still didn't move. Just one street more.

What happened?

I... The dot vanished!

I can see that!

I wanna know why it vanished!

Slow down, they must be close by!

...a red Mercedes shouldn't be hard to find!

The're close, I can feel it.

They should be right here.

Hold it right there!

Go, go, go!

Don't shoot! I'm just the hostage!

Emilien...

But how...?

I don't get it. I'm missing something here.

How can a red Mercedes vanish? Even Copperfield never managed that!

Hello. Your papers please.

What is happening, sir?

You're German?

Yes, why?

Are we already at the border?

Chief, 4 Germans in a not red Mercedes. You're interested?

I'm taking it.

So you're German?

You got a problem with that?

Today I like that actually. Open the trunk.

What did you come to Marseille for?

I came to spend my Deutschmark,...

...but I can do that in another country if you prefer!

Oh no,...

...I prefer you keep that in our territory!

Ok... auf Wiedersehen, have a nice stay.

Danke schön!

Emilien...

I don't get it, I just don't get it. I must have forgotten something...

You see, he forgot the kettle. Classic.

You think? But he's not like that...

It's 8 PM. I've put the answering machine and the alarm at 6 AM.

We've got 10 hours. That should be enough, no?

It's a little bit tight...

...we'll just have to hurry towards the end!

Are you expecting somebody?

Well, my lover, but when you said that you'd come, I cancelled...

Who could it be?

Don't mind him, he'll leave...

Where were we?

Err... I was kissing you.

No, you were kissing me!

What if it was important?

Why?

I don't know... the cops...

Ah yes, if you were a notorious criminal and they come to get you.

You would take me hostage... Just take me now...

Open, police!

Daniel, you didn't kill anybody I hope!

Err... no.

Oh shit, Daniel!

Am I glad you're here!

You can't imagine the shit I'm in Daniel.

Oh yes I can imagine...

No, no you can't imagine.

It's over, we don't have a home.

We lost the flat my father gave us.

Gone in smoke, just like my father.

My husband smoked a lot...

...yet he died of liver cancer, even though he didn't drink...

In fact it's not about the flat. Much worse is that I screwed up again.

If I don't catch them this week, I'll be a traffic cop next Monday!

Stick, wistle, go ahead kids!

It's as to say, on Monday... I'm dead.

Daniel, who's that dwarf?

A pal.

You're playing with Smurfs now?

It's a bit complicated, he's a cop...

What?

You've got a friend in the police?

Not a real friend...

...I work for him, because...

You work for the cops?

Not for the cops, for HIM! He's not really a cop...

...he looks more like a secret agent, something like that.

Yeah sure, and the old lady is Mata Hari.

Oh shit... can anybody explain her? Because I don't think I can.

My name is Camille, hello...

... and the Smurf over there is my son, Emilien.

And if you show me to the kitchen,

I'll make you a good coffee and I'll explain everything.

There's nothing to explain, mom...

...I'm done, I'm in the street... It had started so well, though...

...but then came the garbage cans, the butchers, the Mercedes...

So? Are you gonna kick your homeless friends out or should I call the REAL cops?

Hey stop it, don't make the situation worse, ok?

I'm not complicating the situation.

I just want to finish what we had started.

And I don't want to waste an hour because we are very tight on schedule!

Look, I got caught in the harbour... ...I mean, seriously caught.

They could keep my license for the next 100 years.

But if help him, I'll get it back. It's that or 100 years of unemployment!

Cop, Blackmailer, Smurf...

Nice portrait, you could have finished it before setting him loose!

Here you go, that was completely stupid of me.

I'm not kidding Daniel,...you're free.

Take it.

You know, Daniel, I didn't come here because of our deal.

It's just that I ain't got any other friends... and Mom told me you had a big heart.

"Daniel has a big heart, right? See, he'll help us?"

Ok I think we were wrong... it doesn't matter.

It's not important, it's not your problem.

Don't you worry, Daniel, I'll catch that gang alone.

Won't be easy without a driver... but I'll manage.

Listen, the best way to get rid of him is to solve his problem.

But he doesn't have A problem, he's got TONS! He's a psycho!

Look at his face, it reminds me of "Silence of the Lambs".

You take care of Mata Hari and me of the Smurf.

I'm back in 2 hours.

And what am I gonna do with grandma for 2 hours?

Play bingo?

Please, Lily, ok?

If you're not back in 2 hours, I'll BURN grandma.

Deal!

Get up, you.

- Where are we going? - To solve your problem.

I'm sorry to have ruined your evening.

You really make a good coffee?

The best in town!

A small coffee to change the mood and to say I'm sorry.

I know you don't really want to talk to me anymore But listen up please.

Ok?

You got 1 minute.

It'll do. Ok, I thought about it all night and there was a question I couldn't answer.

Why are they pissing us off like that?

Why a red Mercedes when grey is much more discrete?

To get our attention! We look here, and then!

...it happens there. It's a diversion.

So I think they left the building empty handed and the money took another way out.

Maybe the money is even still in the bank.

1 minute, end of the show.

I'll be back!

10 grand.

Thank you very much.

That'll pay your rent for a while.

And my wife?

You really want her back?

Well, I kinda got used to her...

Calm down, dear!

Look... everything's going to be fine now.

[German] Gentlemen, one more and we retire...

And for the last one, I suggest we hit it big.

Emilien. Emilien!

Piss off!

What if I told you how they changed from a red to a grey mercedes?

Sure, go ahead...

They didn't change the car, they just changed the color.

A nice, red Mercedes enters a parking...

...and a classic grey mercedes exits and dissappears.

That sounds possible.

Easy as pie.

If they did repaint the car we would have found paint traces somewhere.

Except if they put their car in a truck and repainted it in there.

They need tons of paint if they do that every time!

Plus, they had less than 10 minutes! Can you even get paint that dries in 10 min?

Hello, Gégé? Sorry for waking you up, it's Daniel.

I need your magic paint, the LT10.

Metal grey color.

You're out of it? Who could have bought all that in one shot?

The "circuit des étangs"?

What are they doing with that much paint they want to paint the circuit in red?

No, thanks, don't worry I'll talk to them directly.

Talk to you soon, thanks man.

What does "LT10" mean?

"Less Than 10 minutes".

So? You like my theory?

You think it's them?

No, stupid, it's the butcher team's regular training...!

Hey, tell me Daniel. What's the plan, now?

What are you doing?

We are going to say hi!

Are you crazy, they'll see us!

They're not gonna forget us, either!

But they'll recognize me Daniel, they saw me well in the trunk!

Put that on.

Ah shit!

Is that ok?

You're perfect!

Hey faggots, is everything ok? Think you are Schumacher?

Happy spinning around in circles? Let me see your little toys there...

Oh, Mercedes?

Oh dear... they build cars too? Do you Germans know "turtle and hare"?

You don't know that game? I'm gonna show you.

Give me 55.

Maybe I should get out now, no?

Don't worry, I'm sure they're playful.

"Turtle and hare" goes like this:

You win 55 if you pass my car within 2 laps. That's 1 + 1.

You know how to count?

We don't want the money.

I said 55 because I don't want to steal more from you.

But a tourist that doesn't get screwed is not really a tourist, no?

Hey, if I'm already behind you again after the first lap,...

...don't drive the second lap for nothing, honey!

Thanks girls!

Get lost! Quick!

It's not that I'm bored but I gotta go to the garage.

I don't know what's wrong, but my car is a bit slow today...

We'll do the rematch whenever you want...

Here are your 55.

What are we doing now?

Let's get a drink.

Frenchies...

Are you completely crazy? We had the gang and you just goof off!

We could have called backups and jailed them!

Oh yeah, for what motive?

For speeding on a circuit?

Pfff, the evidence...

We'd have found it later, as usual...

Hold it. Do we have to catch them in the act? Yes or no?

Well maybe, but right now WE are getting trouble.

If we continue like this, WE will get jailed!

Ok, ok, listen. We'll get them in the act.

They are raging now and nobody's more playful than a driver.

Now we can build them a nice little trap.

Yeah? What kind of trap?

A trap for idiots.

And what's your "idiot trap"?

Not an "idiot trap"!

A trap FOR idiots.

Ok. So how does it work?

It works like this. We bring them to wherever we want.

And that's right... here!

I'll need 20 red light keys and 20 talkies.

Ok for the talkies but I don't have a key and the guys always watch theirs.

Except when they take their shower.

- Oh... no! - Oh... yes!

- Oh no! - Oh yes!

- Oh no! - Oh yes!

You're a natural!

Here you go, Jimmy.

Hurry up, I'm freezing my ass off here!

One minute.

Emilien, I...

What are you doing in your birth suit?

I'm not naked, I'm wearing a towel, ok!

And what's it to you anyway?

I got the right to be naked in my office, no?

It's MY office, no?

Well yes...

Nobody ever taught you to knock before entering?

Your mommy never told you anything, doofus?

Oh, what a welcome! And was about to tell you a good joke...

Well your jokes are never funny! Now fuck off!

Ah! That felt good!

COME IN!

Oh, Petra...!

Am I disturbing?

Never!

Yes, I can see that I'm disturbing. I'll come back later.

For once she comes into my office with something to tell me...

...I'm naked in the middle of the room! Can you believe that Daniel?

What can I say? Anyway she's too good for me...

She looks like a doll, she's already inspector...

What would she do with a such a little di...?

Hey, hey, enough already!

Are you done whining yet? You're digging your grave here!

She's not lady charity, you know. That kind of engine doesn't run on Diesel!

What she needs is a MAN.

So straighten up, because you look more like an monkey now.

Stand up straight!

See!

Now you walk over there, bend her back and give her the kiss she wants!

Either you get slapped or she's hooked for the next 10 years.

Your chances are 50/50. And if it doesn't work, at least you'll know.

It's like a lottery, scratch and win!

Emilien, you're ok? Hey, are you ok?

You are right, I gotta do it...

I'll go in there, scratch, ... and take the jackpot!

Ouch!

It was 50/50...

He'll get her in the next drawing...

Got those keys yet?

Done!

Take those.

You think they're mad?

Imagine your chick shows up 17 hours late, what would you do?

Err... kill her?

So there's your answer!

But we still got those flowers!

Oh, the nice flowers!

Can we smoke them?

Did you bake all those cakes?

Yep!

Since neither of us gets laid anymore, we took revenge on the cakes...

What a crisis!

Thanks, Camille. I had a wonderful day with you.

- I'll call you... - Ok...

Are those for me? Thanks... goodbye!

Hey...

You don't want to have that intimate evening?

But you got visitors Daniel... you have to take care of them!

We'll do it another day, a year sooner or later won't matter...

I put Camille in you bed, her back is hurting.

Good night, boys!

That's some good shit!

It's from Jamaica...

See, there are advantages to being a cop!

Stop it, you'll tempt me.

Tell me, why didn't you go to races instead of doing it with a taxi?

My father spent his life in a wheel chair because of a car crash.

How could I tell him I wanted to be a race pilot?

I understand.

And you? How could you finish so low?

Quite a story too, actually...

My dad died when I was 17, my mom and me were left with nothing.

So I had to go work right away.

And without a degree, your only chance is in the police.

Where did you live?

In Asnières.

Jules Ferry high?

Yes, why?

What, you're from there?

Yes... I swear!

That's crazy. We could have ended up in the same class.

I could've taught you to steal bikes, you wouldn't have turned bad!

You dream about so many things when you're a kid but in the end...

...nothing goes as planned.

Yep. You dream of playing in the front and you end up a goalie.

You believe in our plan, Daniel?

It'll roll.

Are you sure?

Come in.

I'm not disturbing?

No, like this it's fine. What's up?

RED ALERT!

Guys, the "cougar" plan has started.

This time it's the S.D.L.M. bank.

Here are you positions for today.

Arthur, you'll be at the crossroads 1. Jacky, you're number 2...

...at the National Flamarion crossroads. Momo at the crossroads de L'Évêché.

Nº 2, Manu, radio and key. Nº 3, Vincent, radio and key. Nº 4...

Yes?

Yes I know, you're back in one hour.

Exactly.

I'll be at your place.

Cougar here, the bird is in the cage...

[German] Everybody shut up and on your knees!

Cougar here. The bird is soon gonna fly!

Get ready to jump.

Shit, they got hostages!

Don't do ANYTHING for the moment!

Sorry but there's no room for you.

That's ok, I'll wait...

No, no, I got a better idea! You're gonna run!

What?

It'll shape you up!

Let me go!

Shit! All the cougars, jump! Catch the bird!

Catch that bird!

You see, it's not the Mercedes we had to follow...

It's the Mercedes TRUCK we had to follow!

That deserves a toast!

And now we go home! Cheers! Cheers!

There we go!

Is everything set?

20 strategic points are blocked.

If they cross any of these diagonals they're caught like rats.

They're on Michelet boulevard, it ends on the Mazard square.

Who's at that corner?

Err... Jean-Bat, Nº 7.

Call him, he's the opening act.

Nº 7, Jean-Bat! Are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

You're the first, are you ready?

Yes, no problem.

So it's our turn now.

Daniel, it won't fit!

Yes it will...

Hey the Bavarians, how are you? Still in tractors?

Sorry I was so slow last time, I forgot the handbrake...

Hey, I'm talking to you. Now it's a lot better.

We do another turtle/hare or are you cowards?

Ok! Ok!

You Frenchies always got that big mouth!

Come on the highway with me, we'll see!

Did I upset you?

I'm going to crush your Peugeot!

Sorry, I did upset you.

I give you an other chance, but I won't bet a lot this time.

I feel cheap taking money from you so easily. Here, baby, that's 10 francs.

You're going to pay for your insolence.

Better insolent than ridiculous!

I think you exaggerated a bit.

No, no, tell 7, 8 and 9 to go on red.

Jean-Bat, get on red, now!

Nº 10, Chris, in position.

Nº 11, André, in position.

Perfect. 12 and 13, get ready.

N°13, I got a small problem here...

2 cops stuck on the red light.

Damn!

Tell them off!

Easy to say! They've settled down!

We're getting close. Find a solution or we're dead!

Paulo, let me talk to the cops.

Sorry sir, it's for you.

Hello?

Inspector Gibert here. There's a bomb next to you!

Where?

In the red light.

Just stay calm, we know how to stop the mechanism!

Listen carefully: put the key in the light and make the light turn red.

But it's already red!

Shit, don't worry about the color...

...just turn the key to the right! Got that?

Yes... yes, inspector...

Hurry, we just past N°12.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Let me do it.

19 and 20, get ready. You know 20 is the last!

Yeah, I know...

Are you sure that's the road?

It's a shortcut.

On the highway, they're dead. We got more power!

There was probably a reason for that fence, Daniel!

The highway's not finished. It's a dead end.

Well, as you know what you're doing...

Daniel, I may look calm but I'm getting sick!

Won't be long now.

That's just it, I'd like to get old, Daniel!

10 seconds.

Eat that rat!

Hey stop, there's no bridge there!

5 seconds.

GO! EAT HIM, EAT HIM!

Shit, let them win Daniel! You only bet 10 francs!

I don't wanna die for 10 francs!

It's now or never! HOLD ON!

What...?

[German] Oh bravo, Karl! We won!

[German] Are you sure?

I swear, you scared me!

I really thought you'd rather die than lose.

You know the turtle and the hare? The turtle always wins!

Hey, "Einstein"! You ever read "La Fontaine"?

Big hare not happy at all, been fucked by little turtle...

Cougar will be happy! Long time he want to eat hare!

Yes, yes, big hare, big hare!

I'm sorry about the place.

It's not very romantic.

- But I really wanted you. - Oh really?

You really wanted me... I didn't realize...!

We do the revenge?

No. Later. We really got to go now.

Daniel, what are you doing! I've been looking for you for 15 minutes!

What were you two doing in the dark?

Photo finishing.

It's not the moment for photo finishing, the minister is waiting!

In the name of the President of the Republic,...

...it's an honor to offer you the National Knighhood medal of honor.

Congratulations!

I'm sorry Emilien.

For not believing me or for slapping me?

Both. How can I make you forgive me?

We'll find out.

I read the story of your exploits.

Amazing!

This experience made us think. Thanks.

We're going to change the way we see the road...

implement a new police force, more efficient and modern.

And all that thanks to you.

Thanks.

Of course this medal is only a symbol. It won't give you your licence back.

Well I was hoping for some err...

- Mercy? - Exactly.

But we do show mercy! We could get you jailed for years... yet you are free.

I'm not free, I'm a pedestrian!

I understand.

Without a car, you're like... an orphan.

Yes, a pedestrian orphan!

I understand.

There's a solution, but I'm not sure you'll like it.

Go ahead, we'll see...

So? Are you happy now?

Yeah...

What, you're not happy?

Oh yeah, I'm great...

I don't understand. Your first Grand Prix, first line-up, a super car...

your friends and your girlfriend. What's wrong, Daniel?

It's the sponsor!

"National Police"

Can you believe it? We find him money, a car and he's still not happy.

Tell those cheerleaders to stop waving... they distract me!

You know what you could do to really make me happy?

Yeah? What's that?

Win that fucking race! We don't give a damn about the sponsor!

Ok then, take the champagne out of the freezer, so it's not too cold!

Let's go, Daniel...!