Original subtitles

(PHONE VIBRATES)

EVELYN: Hi. CHRISTINE: Hey.

The comments are wild.

Oh, yeah, I can't believe it.

Foxy says, "Refreshing and honest."

Mupa, "You've convinced me to end my marriage."

So many women are saying that.

It's... it's really inspiring.

You might start a revolution, Ev.

And how are the numbers?

Ah, through the fucking roof.

Click-through rate is like 90%.

180 page views. (PHONE VIBRATES)

We're easily going to get 200 daily users.

And we're definitely... Keep Makeupmax.

Yep. Thank God.

Bell 21 - "Wish more people had the courage to leave."

"I knew my marriage was over when he choked me."

Oh. Well, we should check on her.

Yeah. Nikki Forever - "A war cry for unhappy..."

Sorry, I'm just... I'm on the phone.

It's not an office.

Christine, I've gotta go. I'm jogging.

Christine, I've gotta go. I'm jogging.

Almost 5 Ks today.

Really?

OK, be careful of stress fractures.

Bye.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

An article I wrote went viral, and I'm just so overcome.

Mm-hm.

It was about the end of my marriage,

and the trauma of women.

I just could not be happier.

Cool.

Ah, well, you're a bit young to understand.

(PHONE VIBRATES) When you have a relationship...

Jon's calling again.

Are you gonna answer that?

Nah.

(GOT TO BE REAL BY CHERYL LYNN PLAYS)

(MESSAGES BLEEPING)

ALEX: Uh... don't come in!

We have to go. We have to pick up Addy and I can't be late.

OK, OK, I'm coming.

(SLAPPING SOUNDS)

Have you got my laptop? Uh... yeah.

Have you got my laptop? Uh... yeah.

I'll bring it out in a minute.

Unhappy that I am, I cannot heave my heart into my mouth.

Can you shut up? Red light, Mum.

What? That was orange, wasn't it?

Don't forget your HPV vaccination form.

It's in my handbag.

Do I have to?

Can't I be exempt on religious grounds?

What religion?

What grounds?

Ah, that I hate needles.

Do you want to get cervical cancer?

I'm not even having sex.

That's good to know.

Alex, what do you know about HPV?

It's a virus that gives you AIDS or something.

That's HIV.

Genital HPV is a sexually transmitted infection.

Mum, can we please do this later?

I've got a quiz in, like, an hour.

But do you know about genital warts?

Soft growths that appear on the genitals?

Usually transmitted through sex by teenagers.

Oh, my God, Mum.

What if they collapse a vein?

They're not drawing blood.

Anyway, you've got your father's veins.

You need to face your fears, Addy.

That's how we build resilience.

Ow! See?

It's just a little prick.

GIRL: Hi, Mr Cooper. Good morning, girls.

Tuck your shirt in, Stephanie.

Dad?

Hey. Mum pinched me.

What? Exposure therapy.

OK.

Can we talk?

Outside?

Please?

Are you planning to return any of my calls or...

I can call you now if you like.

Sorry.

You can't write about our marriage

without talking to me about it first, alright?

Especially when it's full of so many untruths.

I have never been threatened by your success.

I didn't say that. You implied it.

No, I said that you don't understand it. That's different.

Most men don't understand female ambition.

What's not to understand about you putting work

What's not to understand about you putting work

before everything else all of the time?

You know what? I'm so over that. Anything else?

How much time you got? It's really boring.

Evelyn. Oh, hi!

I just wanted to say how much I loved your marriage piece.

Everyone's talking about it.

Bye-bye.

Also, remember when I told you about Isabelle's vaginismus?

Mm.

That was just between us, OK?

Oh, of course, Sandra.

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

Of course. Thanks.

Bye.

Shit.

I don't know if it's OK.

It's demoralising and intrusive, the poor woman.

Poor, obscenely wealthy celebrity woman.

You could argue that it's normalising.

We've all been in a situation like this.

Except ours wasn't plastered all around the world.

I say post.

Post! Post.

In small font.

Whose byline? Penny?

Oh, no way. This is Evelyn's story.

Sure. What's the big deal? You can hardly see it.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Is that a tampon string? Yeah.

Is that a tampon string? Yeah.

OK, I really want to focus on our strengths

so we can increase page views

and lock in a fuck off campaign.

So, on top of the leader board, Evelyn's marriage confessional.

Second, Opal's 'Kristen Stewart Cheated In Broad Daylight - Why?'

Why? Followed by Pen's

'Why I Said Yes When My Uncle Asked Me Out'.

Also Pen's 'Why I Refuse To Make My Kids Hug Their Grandparents'.

Well, that's good. The confessional pieces are doing really Well, aren't they?

Our readers want to connect.

Let's keep it personal.

Relatability through truth.

That's our greatest point of difference.

Rearranging the office.

Hormones.

Interesting coping mechanism.

I'm looking for vulnerable personal essays.

We need traffic, but not the kind of traffic that costs advertisers.

I thought we were purpose driven?

Yeah, purposely driven to meet traffic targets

and make a difference and hopefully one day a profit.

Does that mean we finally get professional headshots?

No, but if we reach 250 this week...

A pay rise.

I've been on 20 dates in 20 nights and I'm broke.

Oh, yeah, men don't pay anymore.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Why doesn't that surprise me?

They like to empower women when it comes to the bill,

but that's about it.

Hey, that's a good story.

Men are the worst. I mean that.

Mm. Can you work that into your 20 dates pitch?

Oh, that wasn't a pitch. I'm on a new dating app.

Do you really need an app? Show me, show me.

See? You swipe right or left.

No! What hope is there for the rest of us?

Right. Left.

Right again.

Oh... Oh!

Romance is dead.

Left again. Right.

Stop. Stop!

Is it...? Hot?

No, not hot.

Don't date him.

Unmatch. Swipe no.

OK. I mean, he's wearing cargo pants.

OK, back to the meeting.

Confess, swoon, confide.

Make me rethink every life decision I've ever made.

Got it?

I'm really confused. What do I report on?

Oh, first time you did cocaine.

First abortion.

Well, I'm a practising Catholic, so...

Well, you should be great at confessions, then.

What about this?

'My Son Gave Me The Best Orgasm Of My Life'.

'My Son Gave Me The Best Orgasm Of My Life'.

Birthgasm.

His head hit my G-spot on the way down.

True story.

I had a grade-three perineum tear and Penny had an orgasm.

(LAUGHS) If anyone believes there's a god.

Jeet's literally just told us she's a Catholic.

Sorry, Jeet.

That's good, Pen, if it's true.

Um, Jeet, what have you got?

Women living in Syria. Uh-uh.

Libya? Labia?

No, no, Libya. It's a country.

Labia would be more interesting.

I keep a record of everything I Google for inspo.

Case in point -

"Can flavoured yoghurt treat thrush?"

Can it? No.

Actually made it worse.

But I'm telling you, Google browser history,

it's a goldmine.

Evelyn, what are you working on?

I'm writing about the benefits of exercising with a friend.

Lucy and I are doing a month of Zumba... Zumba.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, I'll take this in my office.

Do you mean the cupboard?

Yes, Jeet, the cupboard.

I need an office.

I thought you wanted open plan?

Paul!

Could you please get someone to come and clear this out?

OK, but how is that part of my job as Director of Sales?

Oh, shit, Paul, how was your meeting?

Yeah, good. They're really smart people.

Highly conscientious team.

Cock. God.

I'm trying assertive communication

and I just find myself slipping back into passive-aggressive.

ROBERT: OK.

Are you taking personal responsibility

while clearly expressing your needs?

Robert, I'm not going to take all the responsibility.

He... It's his fault, a lot of it.

It's important there's at least a willingness to compromise.

Anyway, should we lock in our regular time?

I can do Thursdays at 11.

Uh, anything out of office hours?

My staff are really nosy.

You get that with all women. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, actually, I've gotta go. Bye-bye. Bye.

Can I have a word? Sure.

Can I have a word? Sure.

Pull up a... box.

How are you settling in, Jeet?

Are you learning lots?

An article in list form is a listicle,

the splash is the home page,

and people say that they don't read about celebrities

but the analytics say they're lying.

Very good.

Um, it's just the confessional stuff

that I'm having an issue with.

Not much has happened to me.

I just...

Well, I just tend to avoid

doing dumb shit that I'll regret later.

Yeah, well, the thing is, Jeet,

sharing is about honesty and being authentic.

Who was on the phone? Just a friend.

I mean, it's almost the most powerful way that women connect.

Do you know what I find fascinating,

is that you are a young practising Catholic.

Have you ever thought about writing on that?

You mean, like doing an expose on the Catholic Church?

I just couldn't do it to my mum.

No, no, I thought more like...

..how's it informed your life?

I'm still a virgin.

How old are you? 22.

Yeah, it's not very interesting.

If you were 42...

Anyway, let's go deeper.

What's the sell?

I'm still a virgin thanks to anal sex.

Wasn't expecting that.

(VIBRANT LATIN MUSIC)

Nice and low.

And we stretch.

We listen, we feel.

And we move.

OK, everyone ready?

? I like it like that. ?

Are you alright?

Yep.

Well, got a mammogram on Friday.

You remember what happened last time

when they put the texta all over my boobs.

Yes. The clinic called me because you had a panic attack.

Why don't you come by the hospital

and we do a test run together?

Efflin, baby, look at me.

You're doing it wrong.

Uh, it's Evelyn.

You're gonna drop, bounce and tres, dos, uno...

Drop and bounce!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I can't do that because I had a perineum tear.

12 years ago.

We're gonna all salsa travel.

How are you so good at this?

I just am, I guess.

INSTRUCTOR: Madison, you have some moves, baby.

Hey?

So, at the office today, Opal showed me this new dating app.

(LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)

There's this man on it that looks like Daniel,

and he's called Daniel.

And for a minute I thought it was Daniel.

INSTRUCTOR: Suzanne, perfect. I love your technique.

What did you think of the photo?

I cannot get him out of cargo pants.

Let's go, people. Enjoy the sweat. Enjoy it.

I'm outsourcing.

I'm exhausted.

My sex drive has vanished and his is very alive.

I don't really care about sex.

Can't he masturbate in the shower like everyone else?

Nope. It's a water thing.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

I'm really struggling to understand

how his sex drive is your problem.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

He's my husband.

This is crazy!

(SIGHS)

What happens when he starts fucking someone?

Or gets an STD?

Opal's been on 20 dates this week with a yeast infection.

I gotta say, Ev, I thought you'd be more progressive than this.

Well, sorry, I can't see what's progressive about this.

What are you getting?

Uninterrupted sleep without Daniel pressing up against me.

He wants to have sex every single night, Ev.

I don't know, it just seems so anti-feminist.

Why is it always the woman that has to do the sacrificing?

This is why I didn't tell you.

Because you are incapable of seeing anything

outside of your feminist bubble.

Oh! And I haven't got time for your intellectualising.

The kids have got gastro, I'm on night shifts

and I think I just put my hip out

trying to impress our hot instructor.

I just... (SIGHS)

I want to get on top of this.

I want to fix things before we...

I want to fix things before we...

What, turn out like me?

(EVELYN LAUGHS)

That's not what I meant, Evelyn.

Yeah, it is.

(LAUGHS)

Evelyn? Whatever.

Efflin!

(SLAMS DOOR)

Hi, darling.

How'd your shots go?

Yeah, they were good.

Oh, I told you.

Isn't this place great?

Come and see your room.

Here it is.

Do you love it?

I mean, yeah, the walls are a bit plain but...

You're so right. They are.

OK, well, um, I gotta go.

Oh, OK.

Bye, darling. Goodnight.

I love you... (HANGS UP LINE)

(ALARM BUZZES)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

In closing, I'll say this to the boys.

Do not post an image you wouldn't feel comfortable with

appearing on a large billboard.

Once you share something, it's out of your control.

Something private is suddenly very public indeed.

Often with devastating results.

Trust me. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Right.

Questions?

June.

June.

It's about the curriculum, particularly Shakespeare.

Oh, let's not go there again, June.

I don't want my boy exposed

to Shakespeare's problematic worldviews anymore.

I don't know what to say.

It was a different time,

and we're not abandoning the Bard anytime soon, I'm afraid.

Anyone...? Ah, Evelyn. Hello.

Thanks, Mr Fletcher.

Thanks, June.

I do think it's wonderful

that the school's having a conversation

about the challenges of social media.

But I think it's more pressing

that we address the real elephant in this room

of hormonal adolescent boys.

Pornography.

(LAUGHTER)

I gotta tell, you, June, let's not worry about Shakespeare, OK?

Because the boys are watching pornography.

The number of young men addicted to porn is growing

and they're getting younger...

(VOICE AND SOUND DISTORTS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Living in denial won't help anyone.

You were a 15-year-old boy once.

Don't you remember what it was like?

Don't you remember what it was like?

I thought you wanted to talk to me.

I think you've said enough.

Someone had to say something.

And that someone had to be you?

Look, in theory, I agree with you, alright?

The school's way behind,

Fletcher's stuck in a Dickensian novel,

but you embarrassed Alex.

Did I? Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

What about June and that Shakespeare stuff?

That was pretty embarrassing.

Yeah, no, it's fine.

I better get to class.

See? He's fine, Jon.

And you should know that he forgot to clear his browser history on my laptop.

Need I say more?

Look, he's almost 16, alright?

I think it's perfectly normal.

Do you?

This was not ethical porn. It was not.

Now I have to have an awkward conversation with him.

You just had an awkward conversation in front of a hundred people.

Listen, it's bad enough that the kids have to worry about appearing in your blog.

Website, Jon. It's a fuckin' website.

(SIGHS) No wonder Addy doesn't want to tell you...

Actually, it doesn't matter. I'll see you later.

What? Doesn't want to...

PENNY: Who wants a cup of tea?

? Ooh, snap

? You're quite the creature

? Girl from the creature feature

? Girl from the creature feature

? Got me feelin' so nasty... ?

Your post on the benefits of public education

is not doing well.

Our readers don't support public education?

No, you don't.

You send both your kids to private schools.

That's private. How does anyone know that?

Well, nothing's private anymore.

Gin and Tonic from Paddo outed you on Twitter.

Gin and Tonic?

Yeah, a troll obsessed with you. Very verbose.

I love her.

What's her avatar?

Something Parisian.

Do you know her?

Fairly certain it's my mother.

Jeet, could you please tell me when it's 4:30?

It's 5:12.

Fuck it!

Oh, shit.

Hi.

You want to be careful with that thing, you nearly hit a magpie.

You're late.

I know. Sorry.

Jeet forgot to tell me the time.

It's Jeet's fault.

Well, I don't know who Jeet is,

but was it her fault this morning too?

Yeah.

Well, no, that... that was me.

Is everything alright, darling?

Yeah. Everything's totally fine.

I know it's a hard time, Addy.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Gracie's such a bitch.

She's your best friend.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

(ENGINE SWITCHES OFF)

Funnily enough, I'm going through some stuff with Lucy, too.

She's decided to open her marriage,

which I think is a big mistake.

She didn't even tell me.

What does 'open' mean?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Did you write a story about Gracie's mum?

What?

No.

Well, I... I wrote a story on helicopter parenting

which was inspired by her,

but I didn't mention any names and it wasn't mean.

It's OK, I don't care.

She's a bitch too.

Please stop saying that word.

Can we just go, please?

Sure.

My place?

I'd love to show you your room.

The walls aren't plain anymore.

Just home, Mum.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Hey.

I hope you and Lucy make up.

I'm just saying, it's always your posts.

Essays, Paul, and I will write what I want.

Well, no other writer gets clients offside the way you do, Opal.

Well, no other writer gets clients offside the way you do, Opal.

Well, I didn't know we were pitching for a yoghurt campaign.

Anyway, it's fine. Fine?

Smearing lemon yoghurt all over yourself?

All over your yeast infection?

If you bothered to read my weekly... I don't have time.

Do you think Joan Didion had time to read emails when she wrote Self Respect?

Do you think Joan Didion had an email address in 1961...

OK. What's going on?

The dairy client pulled out.

Opal's got thrush.

Cow Wow Creamery is one of their products.

And it went nuts. Lots of women have done the same thing.

I think Cow Wow should do something about that.

Oh, yeah, like, 'I'm Not A Vagina-Friendly Yoghurt Label'.

It is top of the leader board.

And Gin and Tonic tweeted that...

I don't care what Gin and Tonic tweets about anything.

Paul? Yeah?

Start thinking like a woman.

I don't know, get Canestan on the phone or something.

And find somewhere for all this crap.

Like a cupboard?

(GROANS WITH FRUSTRATION)

It's an anti-fungal yeast infection cream

that brings temporary relief to thrush.

OK.

You do know what thrush is?

Yeah.

You know what a vulva is?

Yep.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(FOOTSTEPS)

I haven't had anal sex.

I lied.

I didn't think so.

I just thought it sounded cool.

Anal sex?

Are you going to fire me?

Do you think Penny really had a birthgasm?

She better not have.

Jeet?

It can be empowering to share

if you're the one telling the story.

Yeah, well, Father told me

that public confessions can be dangerous.

Oh, well, your dad sounds a little bit...

Hang on, do you mean Father Father?

Father Killian.

Father Killian.

Yeah, well, he would say that.

Does he ever share anything with you?

Well, he once told me that he was allergic to shellfish,

but that was about it.

You wrote a great headline.

You clearly understand what grabs people's attention.

I'm going back in.

What do you mean she threw a book out the window?

What book was it?

No, I don't want to know.

Miss Lin thinks she's be having problems with her social group.

Because all her friends come from perfect nuclear families.

Maybe she should go to another school.

No. No, it's just an adjustment period.

She just needs time.

She's not like Alex.

Maybe we should stop treating her like an adult.

I mean, should I force her to stay with me?

No, no, we've always treated them as equals.

That was the one part of parenting

we could actually agree on.

we could actually agree on.

Maybe we were wrong.

She's just a little girl.

Hey, I want you to stop writing about the family.

What?

It's too confronting for them, and me. Alright?

No divorce, no masturbation, no weird family secrets, no STDs.

(SCOFFS)

I can't do that.

I write so that other women can feel seen.

So that they feel less alone in this mad fucking world.

Look, just do it for the kids, please.

Addy's being teased about hitting puberty early.

Really? Mm.

Well, I was just...

I mean, precocious puberty is a really worrying trend.

Alex was humiliated by the debating piece.

Well, I took that down as soon as he made his case,

which was exactly my point - he should have made the team.

I have teachers deliver me flat whites with a snigger.

How can you ask me to stop writing?

Not what I'm asking.

I'm just asking you to consider our privacy, alright?

(BIRDCALL) Hey, look.

An eastern koel.

Beautiful.

Now, not at 4am in the morning.

Now, not at 4am in the morning.

Apparently it's just them letting each other know

they made it through the night.

Hmm.

(SIGHS, GRUMBLES)

No way. I'm not getting it. It's off the track.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

(LATIN MUSIC FROM LAPTOP)

Hi. I know it's late.

Can I come and see you?

One of the nurses wants to talk to you about her marriage.

I've become an unwitting confessor.

Everyone wants to talk to me.

Everyone but you.

Can we forget the other day?

Can we forget the other day?

It's just...

..we haven't always thought things through.

I mean, remember our belly chain phase?

(LAUGHS) I will not apologise for that.

Lasted a year.

(LAUGHS)

What if he falls for someone else?

And then before you know it, you're in a lonely apartment,

on your own.

That sounds amazing. (HALF-LAUGHS)

You're not regretting it, are you?

No.

I just wish Addy would stay over.

(SIREN CHIRPS)

She blames me.

Children don't blame their parents.

They blame themselves.

That's so much worse. (LAUGHS)

She's more mature than you think.

She just needs time.

I just don't want this thing with Dan to derail you.

I just don't want this thing with Dan to derail you.

It won't.

I'm not like you.

I don't feel things the way you do.

Sometimes I dig deep just to try and feel something,

but there's nothing there.

I'm empty.

You're not empty. (LAUGHS)

You're just... measured.

Sensible.

What are you doing here at five o'clock in the morning?

I wanted to make sure you made it through the night.

And one more thing. (LAUGHS)

Just imagine I'm one of those lovely Irish mammogram nurses.

Whatever happened to the woman who was fused to her sheets?

Take a deep breath.

Just some light skin marking.

(WHIMPERS)

Doesn't mean you have cancer.

Why do they do it, then?

To assist the radiologists.

To assist the radiologists.

Helps give a more accurate reading.

Well, they'd be assisting my anxiety

if they didn't do it at all.

(POPS CAP ON MARKER)

You need to face your fears, my friend.

? Games, changes, and fears

? When will they go from here?

? When will they stop?

? I believe that fate has brought us here

? And we should be together, babe

? But we're not

? I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

? And I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning

? I try to say goodbye and I choke

? I try to walk away and I stumble

? I try to walk away and I stumble

? Though I try to hide it, it's clear

? My world crumbles when you are not near

? I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

? But I'm dreaming of you, babe

? And I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning

? I try to say goodbye and I choke

? Yeah

? Try to walk away and I stumble

? Though I try to hide it, it's clear

? My world crumbles when you are not near

? Yeah, yeah, yeah

? Yeah, yeah! ?

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