Original subtitles

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

Oh, bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I took the Lord's name in vain.

I was covetous,

and I put some Yoplait peach yogurt in my butthole

and let a cat lick it.

[Yumyulack] Holy shit. Ew! A cat?

You're gonna make me barf.

Are you supposed to talk like that?

I thought this was a safe space.

[Yumyulack] Yeah. For me to kick your ass!

[yelps] What the hell, Father?

You just got bounty-hunted, bitch!

Respect.

♪

[grunts] I'm home.

Nobody talk to me until I get something to drink.

I know I'm gonna regret asking this,

but why are you dressed like the Pope?

Oh, Terry, you ignorant slut.

I have to lay low when I bounty hunt.

This is my undercover gear.

Well, I'm glad you had fun.

All I did today was try to suck my own mound.

I present you the new Pupa.

- Ah! - Oh, my God!

Why does he look like a baby Pennywise?

Cha Pupa!

Aw! That's his cute new thing he says.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?

Glen Powell's specialty Kom-BRO-cha.

I did a bunch of bounty hunting today,

and it got me real thirsty for bacteria.

- [bottle shatters] - What the hell?

No teenager wants to drink that shit.

Wouldn't you rather smoke a fat J

or huff some cumin?

What are you talking about?

The Kom-BRO-cha is marketed specifically to idiots my age.

Okay. The truth is kombucha is poisonous to Shlorpians.

But Jesse and Terry are drinking them!

[gulping]

- Mm. Doesn't matter how we taste. - Jesse, no!

Taste? What does that mean? Why does how I taste matter?

It matters because I need to kill you and feed you to the Pupa.

Korvo, no!

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why can't I pump my own gas in New Jersey?

It's the only Earth activity that calms me down.

I wish the entire atmosphere was fumes.

All the good planets let you breathe oil.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

No!

What's happening here? What the hell was that?

The ray that makes you sit on the couch to hear some hard news.

I thought you were gonna kill me.

- I would never do that. - Okay, good.

Wait. No, I do do it regularly.

But first I'm going to explain why I do it.

Because you respect me.

No, because confusion can make your skin taste

like the bottom of a flip-flop.

Every three months, a very special thing happens.

I murder you, blend your body into mush,

and feed you to the Pupa.

- No, you don't! - Oh, yes, I do.

See, the Pupa needs to be fed your meat every 90 days or he dies.

I've lived here just as long as you and that's literally never happened.

Yes, it has. You just don't remember

because we upload your consciousness to the ship's hard drive

and transfer your memories to a new brain before I bap you.

But we leave out the murder memory so you don't get all pissy.

Okay, fine. Then why am I here?

Allow me to show and tell you.

Cha Pupa!

Huh. That really is cute.

AISHA, where did I put that instructional geode

that came with the Pupa?

[AISHA] Don't ask me. I'm not Mary friggin' Poppins.

Oh, nice. We actually kept it.

The Pupa Owner's Manual, Quartz Edition

[computer whirring, beeping]

[electronic voice] Caution. Failing to feed your Pupa

replicant meat will result in death.

Proper care of your Pupa will ensure it evolves

and terraforms your new world.

You could feed your Pupa choice cuts of the nutrient replicant

or just blend and serve whole.

- [Terry] Oh, that's what we do. - [Korvo] Shh!

Hello, replicant.

Have you had a fulfilling day of bounty hunting?

Yes, team leader. I sure have.

[team leader laughs]

- [crystal slurping] - [replicant groans]

- What an idiot. - I hate this.

[electronic voice] The team leader now processes

the replicant's proteins in the painless method

devised by our Shlorpian doctors.

[replicant screaming]

That doesn't seem painless.

He means for the team leader. He's not in any pain.

[noisy munching]

[Jesse] Aw, look at him go.

And now I upload the memories, minus just a few.

[electronic voice] In a few weeks, the new body will begin

to produce nutrients, and the cycle will begin again.

Under no circumstances should this video be shown to your nutrient replicant.

This is freaking me out!

Don't worry. Being freaked doesn't affect the flavor of your flesh.

Ugh! Stop talking about my flesh!

So you guys just kill me and Jesse whenever you want?

No. Not me. Just you.

Why just me?

We all have mission jobs.

I'm the chronicler, Terry cares for the Pupa,

Korvo's team leader.

And you're the nutrient replicant.

I'm the bounty hunter. I literally bounty-hunted this morning.

This isn't Star Wars, bro.

That's something the Shlorpian elders made up

so you wouldn't question your actual role as a delicious treat.

But I've seen the Pupa eat all sorts of fast food and junk.

- Just let him eat that. - No, it's empty calories.

Terry and Jesse promised they'd stop feeding him that stuff.

We've been good.

- Yeah, we just say, "No way, Jose." - Cha Pupa!

Being the nutrient replicant is the highest honor a Shlorpian can have.

Your job is the most important out of all of us.

[Yumyulack] Oh, man. He is looking pretty hungry.

Poor little guy. Okay, screw it. I'm in.

Plus you'll save my memories anyway, right?

Yep. And after, you won't even remember.

We'll be back to normal.

Do you mind if this one time I do it myself?

Sure. How do you wanna do it? Sword? Flamethrower?

That thing where you rub your mound while hanging yourself in the closet?

Just a simple ray will do.

Here you go. Let me just grab the crystal that sucks your memories out. Ah!

Anyone comes at me with the crystal, I'll blow your fucking head off!

Cha Pupa?

- Ah! - Stay back.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

We just print out another you.

We can take all these memories away too. You won't be sad at all.

Oh, you're right about that. I won't be sad.

Because I'm blasting the Me Machine.

Put that ray gun down and kill yourself right now, mister!

[both grunting]

- [explosion booms] - [Yumyulack screams]

No!

He ruined my shirt!

The Pupa's gonna starve without his Yum meat.

The mission's doomed.

We're all gonna die, and I never even got to tour

the Burlington Coat Factory factory!

Everyone chill the fuck out. Uh, let me workshop this.

Pupa, eat this. It's good for you.

- Cha Pupa. - [stomach growls]

- It's all gross and burnt up. - He needs to eat it to live.

What if we feed the little guy something else from the home world?

Yes! I purposely hid some Shlorpian powdered calorie chunks

in the emergency rations kit.

'Cause that's what I do. I think ahead, baby.

Oh, shit. I ate the chunks last year when we ran out of snacks.

Those were for emergencies!

It was an emergency.

I had to binge all of Shadow and Bone season two

so I could spoil it on Discord

before my Discord dudes could spoil it for me.

- Here. Lick the wrappers. - No. Cha Pupa.

You two stay down here

and try to get the Pupa to lick that wrapper

while I go work on fixing the Yumyulack printer.

[AISHA] Are you sure that makeup glue's strong enough?

This is drag brunch grade eyelash adhesive

I got from Terry's vanity. It'll work.

[AISHA] You ever think about what your drag name would be?

Mine's Nefertitties

'cause I would have some big old titties.

Oh, that is good.

Alright, let's see if this thing works.

[machine beeps, whirs]

Ugh, this doesn't look right. Scan this thing for nutrients.

[AISHA] Scanning. That thing is all jacked up.

The Pupa won't get anything from that.

Damn it. And the printer's shot.

We'll have to try something else.

- [AISHA] Is it expanding? - Oh!

Oh, shit. The growth particles are out of control.

AISHA, open the hatch. We have to get it off the ship.

Oh, crap, crap. Shitty, shitty, crap.

[AISHA] Are you gonna just leave it there?

I'll call heavy item pickup. They'll get it on Tuesday.

[AISHA] The city is not going like that.

Oh, come on. Just a wittle-bitty taste.

- Mm, yummy. - No!

Terry, look. I got Yum's Old Spice Swagger deodorant!

This has to be loaded with Yum germs.

Oh, yeah! Here you go, Pupes. It's gym bag flavored.

- [Pupa barfs] - [stomach growls]

Are you okay, little guy?

- Oh, cha Pupa... - [stomach growling]

Ah!

He just sharted a side table?

Oh, no. This looks like it came from my apartment on the home world.

Your Pupa just sharted it out with some orange goo.

- Excuse me? My Pupa. - You heard me.

[goo splatters]

The Pupa is prematurely squirting out terraforming fluids

because his body's malnourished without his nutrients.

Well, that blows.

Why does it all look like Shlorpian stuff?

Because he has everything from the home world

coded into his DNA.

Isn't this a good thing?

Don't we want the Pupa to terraform?

This isn't a controlled terraformation.

The Pupa's body is breaking down.

This is a destructive and uncontrollable process

that will ruin this planet.

If the Pupa doesn't get nutrients soon,

his sharting will get worse.

He'll die and so will our chances

of rebuilding the home world.

Pupa already has a taste for flesh,

so let's just find a human similar to Yumyulack

and feed them to him.

Yes, that could work,

but it would have to be a real pathetic, ugly loser

just like Yumyulack.

Uh, are you seeing this floating Yumyulack head out there?

What? Don't worry about that. Who knows where that came from?

The Solar Opposites have to find

a petty bounty hunting-type human who smells like a foot.

- Next. - [Terry] Hello, neighbor Kevin.

You will be reading for the part of Yumyulack.

This is so cool. Always wanted to be an actor.

You know, back in the day, I made some docking videos

on YouTube before the algorithm demonetized foreskin.

- Next. - Hi, I'm Sean Giambrone.

I used to be on ABC's The Goldbergs.

- Next! - Thank you for inviting me.

I have many special skills.

I am a pre-certified Poker Face who--

- Ow! Shit! Fuck! - [Jesse] Principal Cooke,

always fun to see you out in the real world.

Okay, so for the audition,

we're workshopping a scene from Dune.

Put your foot in that box.

Uh, oh, I feel something licking me.

When the fear of being licked is gone, only you will remain.

- [crunching] - Ow! Now it's biting me. I knew it!

These sicko internet perverts just want pics

of your bloody feet, and they aren't gonna pay for them!

Bye, Principal Cooke.

Uh, cha Pupa.

Goddammit, Pupa. We're trying to help you, you little shit.

[Pupa retches]

That's my bank from the home world.

It had terrible operating hours. Run!

[all yell]

[Pupa coughs]

Well, my friends and lover, we're out of moves.

The Yumyulack-making machine can't be fixed.

The Pupa won't eat.

There's a big-ass Yumyulack head floating over Denver.

- Fuck Denver! - I fear, for once,

we can't sci-fi our way out of this.

Poor Pupa. I'm so sorry.

[Pupa retches]

[AISHA] Come on, Korvo. Don't be a little bitch.

- Just tell them. - AISHA, no.

What? What shouldn't you be a little bitch about?

[AISHA] You gotta tell them.

I can't. It's a moment of weakness I've held for so long. Ugh.

What I'm about to reveal may shake you to your very cores.

It may destroy the foundation on which

- our relationship has been-- - Just tell us!

There is... another Yumyulack.

[Terry and Jesse gasp]

Gasping so hard at that revelation got me so hungry!

Why are Jersey Mike's sammies so good?

They get their oil and vinegar straight from the New Jersey Turnpike.

Hey, what did you mean

that one time you said there's another Yumyulack?

Hmm. Well, one time, I didn't kill Yumyulack

and feed him to the Pupa. I let him escape.

I-I-I don't really remember the details.

- It's a bit of a haze. - [AISHA] We good. I got that shit on tape.

No! No, no. We don't have to watch the tape. That's not important.

[AISHA] I put in a Ring camera after someone kept stealing

my porcelain frogs, Terry!

Check it out.

- Ah! - What are you doing?

Please, don't stab me.

No, I-I wasn't.

I was gonna suck out your memories and then kill you.

No, but please. Papa, don't do that either.

Papa?

- Ah. - [crystal slurping]

- Go. - You're not gonna kill me?

I've got a copy of your memories.

Now go before I change my mind.

Damn you, AISHA.

He called me Papa. No Yumyulack has ever said that.

He was so sweet. Not like all the other dipshit Yumyulacks.

Oh, Korvo. I thought I was the only one with daddy issues.

I've been trying to develop them as a Cesar Chavez Day present to you.

But I guess it worked too well.

Oh, my God. Stop being such a pushover!

You're team leader, man. Pull yourself together!

Your Pupa is getting gray and blasting goo.

We've gotta find that Yumyulack. When did you let him go?

It was back when I was really into eating stews,

so I got the idea to send him to live a peaceful existence in Ireland.

Plus, I knew Terry would never go there due to his feud with The Edge.

Well, that goateed, beanie-wearing bitch stole my look!

[spurting]

Fresh konixberries for sa...

Where am I?

Cha Pupa.

[vendor and stand explode]

We're running out of time!

AISHA, watch the Pupa and see if you can get

the Yumyulack-making machine working again.

[AISHA] I was about to go on break.

You'll get OT. We'll fly to Ireland,

grab that tender-ass Yumyulack, bring him back,

and feed the Pupa before it's too late.

You know, I-I-I'm just telling you right now,

if I see The Edge, I'm not gonna walk on.

I'm gonna slap that goatee right off his face.

It's not gonna be a beautiful day for him.

♪

[♪ Celtic violin music playing]

This place looks hella quaint.

Wait, is that The Edge playing the fiddle in the corner?

Terry, that's a lady and she's, like, 90.

Hello. Name's Seamus O'Drinky.

This is me family's Irish pub.

We're looking for a sweet wannabe fuckboy. Ye high.

Might go by the name Yumyulack

or Grand Muff Tarkin,

his Xbox name.

Sorry. Can't help you.

I'd remember if a funny-looking fella like that came in here.

- Thanks for your time. - I'm watching you, fiddle slut.

McYumyulack, it's Seamus.

Seems your Pa's finally come to town.

Look, you know only one dirty-ass hoe

would need that much X-Treme Sour Gooseberry Rockstars.

That son of a bitch The Edge.

Oh, my God. It's Yumyulack.

Jesus, Terry. Get over it.

This must be his place. Look at the name.

[Terry] Classy. Hey, there he is!

Oh, this is gonna be easy peasy, Dan Cortese.

I'm excited to see Yumyulack,

even if it is a low-rent Irish version.

Don't bring emotion into this. He's just Pupa food.

Ah, stupid wire. Someone could trip on this.

I'm gonna kick it in three, a-two, and...

- Terry, don't! - [explosion booms]

[Irish accent] You arseholes aren't taking me back. Get fucked!

That Yumyulack's not sweet or tender.

And he talks all Irishy now?

He played me, calling me Papa.

We gotta take this bitch down now.

Oh, hell, yeah. Another wire.

[Korvo] Terry, would you just leave it?

Fine.

Yumyulack?

We just came to say hi and see how things are going.

Bull shite! And I go by McYumyulack now.

That's me Irish name.

I really like that for him.

For years, I've waited and planned for this day.

Booby-trapped the whole house, so don't come any closer

or I'll blow yas to hell.

I know we hate on the guy for being such a dick,

but he's really made a life for himself here.

Yeah. Maybe we should peace out and just let him be Irish in peace. Peace!

No! We need to get him to the house, chop him up, and feed him to the Pupa

or there won't be a planet for Ireland to be the crown jewel of.

I heard that!

[explosions boom]

Leave our lad alone or we'll burn you up and bury you in the peat!

Damn it. All our sci-fi weapons got confiscated at the airport.

Aer Lingus, more like ass dingus.

Don't take Aer Lingus' name in vain.

It's the sexiest airline.

We gotta grab McYum Nuts and get the "fook" out of here.

Alright, you bog-brained Murphies,

I shit all over your shamrocks.

And Cillian Murphy can lick my balls!

Oh! Ow!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ah!

Oh! Ah!

[McYumyulack panting]

Ah!

Ooh-wee!

[both grunting]

- You're good. - Aye. I had a good teacher.

- Oh, was it me? - No, you fucking idiot!

It was Sensei Sean at the O'Punchies Karate dojo!

[both grunting]

Finish him, Korvo! Finish him!

Papa? Please don't make me go.

I have no choice. I'm not your papa. I'm the team leader.

And you have nutrients the Pupa needs.

It's my duty and yours.

You taught me a long time ago to only care about meself.

- So that's what I'm gonna do. - [ice cracks]

- [splashing] - Ah, no!

Oh, my God. They fell in the ice! Where are they?

RIP, Korvo and Yumyulack.

So what should two fun single gals do

in a town full of repressed drunk European men?

Ah! I got him! I...

Wait, were you guys just gonna leave?

You both went in the ice!

In the movies, that means you're dead. Do your own research.

[Korvo] You didn't even wait five seconds.

Well, it's cold out here. I'm sorry.

[people screaming]

[liquid splatters]

So, yeah, The Edge was just sitting there in the Dublin Airport.

He was such a nice guy. He even gave me one of his beanies.

He said we could be Beanie Boys together so we don't have to compete.

Yep. No more competish, so my whole thing's resolved.

We should get this over with before the Pupa gets any worse.

[normal voice] This isn't over yet.

Hey, what happened to your accent?

It goes away if I don't watch a Colin Farrell movie every day.

McYumyulack, I just want to say I'm sorry.

I didn't want it to be this way.

If I could change the rules,

I never would've murdered you over and over again

and fed you to the Pupa like you were applesauce.

Yeah, right. You're a narc!

I'll pull your memories out in case we ever repair the printer.

How about you just admit you're an asshole and let me go?

Sorry. Timing just isn't right.

Ah.

- Stop! - Ah! What?

- Timing wasn't right. - Get outta the way!

When you let this McYum go,

did you print out another one right away?

- Yes, of course. - And did you feed him to the Pupa?

No. The nutrients don't come in for a couple of weeks.

But when you were waiting,

the Pupa didn't shart any terraforming goo.

[gasps] Wait. You're right. He didn't.

A-ha! So what does that mean?

It means he must have gotten his nutrients from something else.

Maybe the Pupa got fed something to stay alive.

That's impossible. We haven't been feeding the Pupa any Earth food.

You guys told me you were being good.

Oopsies.

You two fed him something, didn't you? What was it?

We totally ignored your rule.

We fed him all sorts of stuff.

We knew he was gonna get all of his vitamins

and minerals from Yumyulack anyway,

so it shouldn't even really matter if we gave him a little extra.

I explicitly said no human food.

It was last year right before we went to that other planet.

- What did you feed him? - It could have been McDonald's?

Great. Let's go get some McDonald's.

- Or Burger King? - Okay.

I don't like how much you ignored my rule, but let's get that too.

And Wendy's, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Domino's...

Wingstop, Papa John's, KFC, Panda Express...

But never any Long John Silvers!

Yeah. We drew the line at Long John Silvers.

We're not monsters.

We don't have time to narrow all that down.

The Pupa is dying.

We need to feed him this Yumyulack and then we'll figure it out.

Well, I vote we narrow it down.

Sorry, this is the only way.

- [crystal slurping] - [Yumyulack groaning]

[Pupa] Cha Pupa.

Wait. Did you hear that?

Stop fucking stalling.

I'm not! The Pupa speaks!

Cha Pupa.

So? He's been saying "cha Pupa" a bunch.

It's super cute, but that won't help.

What if he's trying to say "chalupa"?

[Terry/Korvo/Jesse] Oh!

[Terry] Can you believe it?

The little guy was just trying to tell us

what he needed the whole time.

Classic Solar.

Mm, yummy cha Pupa!

Now that we can feed the Pupa chalupas,

can we stop killing me every 90 days?

Well, I hate changing my routine, but in this case, I'll make an exception.

Who knew chalupas would provide the same vitamins as alien meat?

Pupa is so full of nutrients. He's evolving!

Cha Pupa!

Whoa! Will you look at that?

He even turned a new color just in time for the end of the season.

And by that, I mean autumn.

I'm just happy we ended the day without any huge change.

Unlike last year, when we had to leave the planet

and all that nonsense.

That's right. We saved the Pupa,

Yumyulack doesn't have to get harvested,

and nothing bad came from it.

A big win for the Solar Opposites!

Terry, ring the bell!

- [bell ringing] - [all cheering]

I can live! Chalupa, chalupa, chalupa!

[♪ ominous music playing]

Yes, I am one step closer to regaining control of the mission.

Soon enough. Soon enough.

[maniacal laughter]

Goddammit. How the fuck am I gonna get down there?

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

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