Original subtitles

[♪ energetic rock music playing]

This is it. The final trial.

Oh! Ah...

I didn't think I'd bond with anyone out here.

I'm gonna fix the Silvercops from the inside.

It's bullshit. They won't let us become Silvercops.

- Then you tap out! - [body whacking]

- [Terry screaming] - You fucked up, son.

That you did.

Your asses belong to the Silver Army, you Silvergrunts.

[♪ adventurous orchestral music playing]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

- [lasers blasting] - [explosions booming]

Listen up, grunts.

We'll be making planetfall in T-minus three minutes.

You'll be joining the war against the Scourge,

an alien race of soulless, ruthless automatons.

These psychotic fucks are spreading across the galaxy,

pillaging resources and enslaving populations.

Tomblr, th-th-th-this is insane. We have to get outta here.

Don't talk to me, Dodge. You aren't my friend.

- Don't fuckin' talk to me either. - I wasn't going to.

I'm not here to make friends, and I definitely won't have your back

when we get into battle.

All I care about is killing Horseys

and wearing their balls on a chain around my neck!

Jesus, Zobert.

You went from zero to trophy-kill way too fast.

Lock and load, grunts.

Just know that I will be with you every step of the...

- [explosion booms] - [all scream]

[ship crashes]

[high-pitched ringing]

Eat shit, you four-legged fucks!

- [screams] - [horses neighing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- Oh, my God. - Run, run, run!

- [all panting] - [explosions booming]

[horse whinnies]

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[horse whinnies]

- [horse whinnies] - [laser blasts]

Look, I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry for telling you to fuck off, like, a minute ago.

I-I really feel like we-we're gonna become good friends now

and maybe we'll even share our backstory.

- [head explodes] - Oh, my God!

No one can finish a sentence around here!

[bodies squish]

[♪ bright music playing]

[JK Sevens beeps]

According to the Norton Antivirus Malware-mometer,

JK Sevens is sick.

As soon as he said "boop" instead of "bwap,"

I knew something was wrong.

Well, let's put him on the curb and schedule a bulky item pickup.

[Pupa groans]

Should we call Terry and Korvo?

No. They're seeing Avatar 4: The Na'vi Three Day Weekend

at the AMC Extended Stay.

That movie's 72 hours long, and they made us promise not to interrupt

a single Zoë Saldana second.

Well, if they come home and JK's dead,

we'll never get our phones back.

It's so uncool of them to take our phones away

just because we never, ever do anything they tell us to do.

- [JK Sevens belches] - [all yelp]

Agh! He's got SD cards and screws comin' out both ends.

[belches]

[screaming] My buttholes! They blew off all my buttholes!

We're all just chickens for the choo-choo.

"Chickens for the choo-choo"?

Oh, this situation's so FUBAR, I can't think of clichés.

It's horrifying.

If we can survive long enough, maybe we can escape.

I'm not escaping. We have a mission.

We have to defeat the Scourge and free this planet.

Dude, this war is bullshit.

Maybe. But if we prove our mettle here, we'll be heroes,

and then they'll have to make us Silvercops.

Are you serious?

How could you still want to be a Silvercop

after they shipped us to the ass pit of the universe?

Because I don't quit when things get tough, Dodge.

Though I guess you do!

How long have you had that in your back pocket,

you turkey-lookin' motherfucker?

Look alive, Silver shits.

That's the guy from before. That's the guy from training.

- Shut up! Shut up! - I'm the new CO of this unit

and, yes, my second head was killed in action.

I'm sure he's interjecting something snarky and supportive

from the great beyond.

Okay, enough of that. We got a mission, people.

Our Silver Spies have learned about a secret Horsey munitions facility.

We need two volunteers to locate the base,

infiltrate it, and activate this.

A homing beacon.

The signal will allow us to precision bomb the base,

obliterating it without damaging the minerals

in the surrounding area.

Minerals like Goo Rock, Star Rubies, and Gatoradium.

Valuable shit.

I'm not gonna lie, this is a suicide mission.

But apparently that term is bad for morale,

so we're calling it "Super Cool Chill Hero Time" instead.

Whatever dumbass goes on this has a death wish.

Sergeant, I'd like to volunteer!

Tomblr! Did you not hear what I just muttered?

Yeah, but like I said, we have to prove our mettle.

Happy to hear it, Private. Now we just need one more.

Perhaps a best friend from bootcamp?

Who maybe also looks like a tall dog?

I think he's talking to you.

Fine. I'm in, too.

You're all gonna die and rot in hell! [screams]

Ha! Guess he wasn't as dead as I thought.

But he's definitely dead now.

Hey hey, great to see the Opposites family again.

I can only assume Korvo died

from the whole turning to goo thing a few years ago.

- Poor bastard. - No, he's alive and totally fine.

Wow. I was sure he was a goner.

Please help us, doctor. Our robo is sick.

Well, I have no idea how to fix robots,

but I did once treat a woman named Alexa for a yeast infection.

A machine's just a person with no blood, so let's take a look.

[clanking]

- [JK Sevens farts] - Hmm.

Nurse, bring in the Samba.

You have a robot vacuum for the office?

We get to keep whatever we remove from people's butts.

- [vacuum whirs] - [JK Sevens beeping]

[drill whirs]

Whoa, that was awesome!

Just as I suspected.

He's a battle-bot, and he's sick

because he hasn't been fulfilling his core function of,

in strict medical terms, kicking robot ass.

I'm recommending JK start battle-boting as soon as possible.

What's this prescription then?

That's not a prescription. It's a gamer tag.

In case you ever want to get owned in Call of Duty.

- [lasers blasting] - [explosions booming]

Feel free to turn back anytime.

I wish I could,

but someone has to keep your ass from getting killed.

I am perfectly capable of killin' my own ass.

I mean, assing my own kill.

I mean whatever! It doesn't matter!

Uh, any of you know Lieutenant Zergecchio?

He's supposed to guide us through the Yummy Carrot Rainbow Gulch.

Oh, we have a special name for that place.

The Death Gulch.

'Cause people die there?

No, because people die there.

If you want Zergey, he's over there.

Zergecchio?

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - Oh, geez!

[Tomblr dry heaving]

Well, we can't find this base if we don't have a guide.

Better head back.

C-c-come on, man. That's not back.

You better be looking for another trench.

Ugh.

God, I'm starving. I'd kill for a scrotum leech right now.

Let's take a break. I have to use the little Tomblr's room.

The little... Ugh.

Just go. Don't try to make it funny. Just pee.

- [zipper buzzes] - [urine trickling]

- [sighs] - [urine spouting]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[horse snorts]

[♪ tense music playing]

[horse whinnies]

[Tomblr grunts]

[punches thudding]

[hooves thudding]

- [Tomblr panting] - [horse whinnies]

- [Tomblr yells] - [horse whinnies]

[Tomblr whimpers]

I wasn't looking for scrotum leeches.

What the fuck happened to you?

Let's... Let's just go.

[birds chirping]

Hopefully, JK can get some of the battle-boting out of his system here.

I just don't want these robos to hurt him.

Okay, JK. Do your thing.

[JK Sevens beeping excitedly]

[♪ exciting music playing]

[JK Sevens beeping]

JK's got his mojo back!

[sobs] He was my only friend!

Come on, dude. What happened back there?

You're all haunted and shit now.

I don't want to talk about it.

[Dodge] Wow, this must be Yummy Carrot Rainbow Gulch.

I don't know what those grunts we're talking about.

I'm not getting death vibes at all.

- [laser blasts] - Get down!

There's a Horsey sniper on the outcropping up ahead.

Yeah. And that sniper's got a gun!

I'm Tomblr. This is Charger.

On a special mission from Silver HQ.

Name's Gex. This here's Quigonowski.

And you're not going anywhere with that Horsey scumbitch out there.

I can see the sniper.

He's on the high ridge.

Now he's lookin' right at us.

- Now he's pulling the trigger. - [laser blasts]

Now the bullets are coming this way. Oh, shit!

If you guys cover me,

I can sneak up to the perch and take him out.

But you'll get shot! The sniper, to remind you, has a gun!

Don't worry. I've been specially trained

in the latest sneaking techniques.

Somersaults, baby crawls, tippy toes.

I've heard of tippy toes before.

Supposed to really be something.

I also have a fiancée back home,

and she's pregnant with twins.

- [laser blasts] - Ah! I'm hit!

- We gotta save her! - No!

You go out there and you're dead too.

- [laser blasts] - [Quigonowski] Ah! He got me in the head.

- [laser blasts] - Now he got my shoulders!

- [laser blasts] - And my toes!

I've been shot in the head, shoulders, knees, and toes!

Fuck you, you Horsey motherclomper!

Fuck you and your gorgeous, shiny mane!

Hmm. I have an idea.

[horse grunts]

- [grenade beeping] - [horse nickers]

[explosion booms]

- [all cheer] - Yeah!

He had blinders on. Never saw us comin'.

In hindsight, not a smart move.

Also, inside sight. [chuckles]

[horses neighing]

Ah, shit. What's that?

It's Horsey patrol. They must have heard the explosion.

[all panting]

[horse neighs]

Why'd they stop?

- [landmine beeps] - [Gex yelps]

- [Tomblr gasps] - We must be in a minefield.

[landmine beeps]

Shit, shit, shit! I'm gonna die!

I'm so scared, I'm pissing myself.

It's gonna be okay. Relax.

I saw this exact same thing happen

in George Clooney's best movie, The Monuments Men.

We just have to find something of equal weight

and then we switch you out with it, Raiders of the Lost Ark style.

On the count of three, I'm gonna pull you off

just like they did in Lethal Weapon.

I don't understand any of the references you're making!

On three.

One... two, three!

Wow, it worked! [laughs]

I, uh, I didn't piss myself, by the way. That, that was a joke.

- [object thuds] - [landmine beeping]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Run!

- [both screaming] - [explosions booming]

So glad we cured JK Sevens and won a $25 Cracker Barrel gift card.

That's country fried pancakes for everyone.

Hell yeah. Hulu's HuluLulu, play Yumyulack's "Yumyu Mix" to celebrate.

[♪ dance music playing]

[device thudding]

Oh, geez. I guess JK still has an appetite for robo destruction.

That's no big deal.

We can toss him a few more electronics

to get it out of his system.

[saw whirring]

Holy Jennifer Jason Lopez, that was it!

JK destroyed every gadget in the house.

Terry's Vitamix actually put up a decent fight.

What happens when we run out of stuff for him to kill?

- [JK Sevens beeping and buzzing] - [all gasp]

I think Terry keeps a Hitachi Wand in the earthquake supplies.

Get it!

Where? Where am I?

[horse snorting]

[horse whinnies]

[Tomblr screams and whimpers]

Stay back. Don't take another clop!

Relax, T, it's okay.

There are Horseys everywhere!

I know. They rescued us.

This is that secret base, but it's not a munitions facility.

[Horsey] That's right, Tomblr.

You're safe here.

Who are you? I didn't know Horseys could speak standard.

"Horsey" is a derogatory slur.

We are the Equinites.

My name is Buttercup. I'm the leader of the resistance.

Oh, please. You're the scourge on this world!

Come. It's time to remove your blinders and see the truth.

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Buttercup] There are no soldiers here.

Just families, refugees.

This is a sanctuary

for those who've been driven from their homes.

But you were the ones who invaded this planet.

The Silvercops are the ones who came here to steal our natural resources.

Easy to take when you exterminate the locals

and label them a scourge.

But that's the total opposite of what we were told.

Wait, does the military lie about its motives?

I suggest you rest and help yourself to our finest feedbags.

We are a peaceful people, and you are our guests.

[robot] Today is my first day delivering food for Grub Bud.

I am so excited.

Hey there, robo pal. Why don't you come on inside?

[robot] I am not supposed to enter homes.

No, it's fine.

We just wanna give you a tip.

Come on in. Don't be afraid.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[robot] What are you doing?

Sorry, little guy.

[♪ sinister music playing]

[robot] No, wait, please.

- [screams] - [metal clanging]

[robot] Ow, that's my wheel. Ow.

You got the Pad See Ew, right?

Yeah. And the papaya salad too.

[Dodge] Mm.

Damn, these oats are the shit.

Oh, I can't believe it.

The war, our mission, it's all a lie.

How could I be such a dumb sucker?

I mean, I tried to tell you multiple times.

I mean, I've become the very thing that terrified me

about the Silvercops when I was a kid.

A stupid, violent occupier.

Pretty ironic, huh?

You've always been totally honest with me,

and I should have trusted you.

Oh, I'm such an idiot.

[sighs] I'm not who you think I am.

I'm actually a human from the planet Earth

who loves the Fast and Furious franchise and was shot into space.

Some Silvercops framed me for murder and they were going to kill me,

but I escaped and changed my appearance so I could enlist in Silver Bootcamp.

My plan has always been to work my way up the ranks

so I could get close to the Silvers who betrayed me

and take my revenge.

My name isn't even Dodge. It's Glen Kumstein.

Glen Kum-steen?

No. What are you, reading it off a page? I just said it now. Kumstein.

Let's get outta here, man.

Let's leave this planet and start new lives

that are not defined by getting revenge on the Silvercops.

- First, we destroy this homing beacon. - Tomblr, no!

Die! Die! Die! What?

Destroying that automatically signaled Silver HQ

to send a strike team to these coordinates.

I read the manual when I was taking a shit!

Oh, my stars and Marys, we gotta go!

[Tomblr panting]

Silvergrunts are on the way.

We have to get your people out now.

I'll herd everyone toward the main entrance.

No! That's where they'll be coming.

Is there another way out?

There used to be.

It collapsed during a bombing strike last winter.

What are we gonna do?

Back on Earth, my Honda S2000 had about 250 horsepower.

But with all the Equinites here, we have at least double that.

What are you suggesting?

Let's yank off these rocks!

[horses whinny]

[♪ dramatic music continues]

Kill everything that trots.

- Yah! Yah! - [horses whinny]

Yah! Yah!

Yah!

It's too heavy.

You can do it. Yah!

It's hard enough without you yelling, "Yah."

Shit, sorry.

God, I bet the optics on this are terrible too.

- Pull! - [horse whinnying]

[horse grunts]

It's open!

[timer beeping]

- [explosion booms] - [ground rumbling]

The Silvers are here!

Buttercup, keep going. We'll buy you some time.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [lasers blasting] - [soldier screams]

- You see that, Kumstein? - Oh!

- No! - Oh, shit.

Oh, they zapped me.

H-h-hold on. I-I can get you outta here.

Help the Equinites to safety.

I'll hold off the grunts by myself.

Just make me one promise.

Rise up the ranks and take down the entire Silver system.

- I'll do it. - Go!

[Sgt. Argent cackling]

I knew a filthy holo like you could never be a Silvercop.

- [timer beeping] - Oh, shit!

Ow! Ow! Ah!

- Quit it. - You quit it!

[timer beeping accelerates]

- [explosion booms] - [ground rumbling]

[rocks thudding]

[Dodge grunting]

[♪ solemn music playing]

This is the border of Stable Territory.

We should be safe here.

[horse whinnies]

But you can proceed no further.

I understand, Buttercup. Goodbye.

[♪ solemn music continues]

[Yumyulack] None of the apps,

not Postmates, UberEats, or even HuluLemon

will deliver to us anymore

because their robots keep disappearing at our house.

Oh, no! He's gushing oil!

Hang in there, JK. Don't die on us.

No, wait.

Ew! This oil is amniotic.

He's not dying, he's giving birth!

[beeping]

Okay, Sevens. You're gonna push on three.

One, two, three!

[all] Push, JK Sevens! Push! Push!

Ah! I can see it. Just one more big push, JK.

You got this! One more!

[object splats]

Is... Is it a baby?

No, it's next year's EyePhone!

Oh, I wanna cut the cord!

[chiming]

I can't believe it.

All this time, JK just had morning sickness.

He must have only wanted to battle-bot

because he was so hormonal from his pregnancy.

Well, we've learned a valuable lesson.

Never trust a doctor who shares an office with Hometown Buffet.

[JK Sevens beeps]

[Dodge sighs]

I'm sorry, Tomblr.

I don't think I'm ever getting off this planet,

much less infiltrating the Silvercops again.

[sighs]

[soldier] Charger!

Every Silvergrunt suit has a recording device.

We heard everything you said

about taking down the Silvercops.

The balls on this guy. Thinks he's a one-man army.

You Silvercops can go fuck yourselves

in your stinking Silver asses!

[cops laugh]

He thinks we're Silvercops.

You're not?

[gasps] Goldcops.

That's right. We were created to keep the Silvercops in line.

Your friend was spot on. They're rotten to the core.

The entire Silver organization has to go down.

And you want my help?

What do you say?

Do you have what it takes to be... a Goldcop?

[♪ energetic rock music playing]

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

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