Original subtitles

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[beacon beeping]

Oh, damn it. Stop beeping.

- [beeping continues] - Ah, stupid thing!

Okay. Loving that sound.

Also, drop that crap right now, mamacita.

We're headed to the arcade!

They're debuting a new VR game, Below Deck Sailing Yacht.

I can't. This is important.

Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit. Get this.

One of the deckhands forgot to tie a fender,

and the stern is rubbin' on the dock.

I can't go to the bloody arcade. I've gotta fix this beacon.

Allow me to counter that with my whiny mode.

[clears throat]

[whiny voice] Korvo, there's no way

this thing matters more than two adoring husbands

attending an exclusive VR event together.

You know I'd love to see VR Andy Cohen

be a messy little bitch but not today.

Come on! Set it aside

and revel in some Earth culture with me.

[Korvo] This is the distress beacon,

which you broke when you spilled a low-carb V8 on it.

[normal voice] Sorry that I was thirsty for over seven vegetables.

Everything in this house beeps. Who cares?

It's beaming our coordinates into space!

And?

And if any cyborgs in the quadrant pick up the signal,

they could pinpoint our location and assimilate us.

Cyborgs were a myth the elders made up to trick us into going to bed on time.

I don't care. I can't put the mission at risk.

Ugh! I wish there was a way to see that everything would be okay

if you just bailed and had fun with us.

And I wish there was a way to show you that being responsible is cool.

- [♪ mystical music] - Wait, what if there was?

Why do you say that like that? Stop. It's cringe.

Replicants, assemble!

Ah, geez. Are we in trouble?

I was just exploring my own body.

What do you... N-no.

We are finally going to use the ship's What If? Device.

Oh, really? Hell yeah!

Holy moly. I didn't even know we had a What If? Device.

Hey, what's a What If? Device?

It's a piece of Shlorpian technology you can use

to see how life would be different

depending on wild scenarios we plug into it.

Inspired by how they do it in Futurama, now airing on Hulu?

No, it's totally... It's a very different thing.

Don't say that or we'll get an email telling us we can't do it.

This is awesome! The Solar Opposites are having our very own What If? Day.

We could do a bunch of wacky scenarios.

This is gonna rip ass. Did I use that correctly?

- No. - Cool!

Come on, hurry! Let's go and do some What Ifs.

♪ What If Day, What If Day ♪

♪ Anything can happen on What If Day ♪

♪ What if ♪

♪ The Solars lived underwater ♪

♪ What if ♪

♪ Terry was allergic to corn ♪

♪ What if ♪

♪ Jesse had a Spice Girls bat mitzvah ♪

♪ And Young Sheldon had never been born ♪

- ♪ What if Korvo had big naturals ♪ - We're talkin' titties!

♪ Yum and the Pupa won a Tony for writing a play ♪

♪ Well, you're about to find out ♪

♪ Because anything can happen ♪

♪ On What If Day ♪

[Terry] Yeah!

I can't believe we have our very own What If? Device.

I'm gonna ask, "What if I was a Yeti?"

I can't wait to lurk around all naked and mysterious

while shitting in the snow.

Perfect idea. We're doing that for sure.

I'm gonna ask, "What if I wore two bows on my head?"

Dream bigger, Jesse.

- Ten bows. - [Jesse gasps]

I'm gonna ask, "What if ketchup tasted like mustard?"

Let's go ham with all sorts of crazy What Ifs.

- I wanna go first. - Nuh-uh. No way. Me, me!

We're all going to get a turn.

But it was my idea so I'm going first.

AISHA, reveal the What If? Device.

[AISHA] Coming up!

[all] Whoa!

- Wait a hot girl second. - What's wrong?

The What If button. It's already been pushed.

- [♪ dramatic sting] - How can you tell?

Usually, the crystal is above the top.

It's not supposed to be recessed like that.

See? It should look like that.

Well, let's unpress it so we can get What If'ing.

- Don't touch that! - Ow! What was that for?

We can't just reset the button.

Why not? I want to. It's so pressable.

Because we don't have any idea how long it's been running.

Ow! See? It's hot from being on for so long.

Well, you know Terry don't care about that shit.

You don't understand.

If this thing's been running this whole time,

it means we're all already inside someone's What If.

Okay, Grand Moff Obvious. That's why we gotta turn it off.

If we do that, reality as we know it will end,

meaning that something unpredictable about our lives

could change for the worse.

I guess if we never turned it off,

it means someone liked what they were What If'ing.

Exactly. Someone used the device and their life got better.

Not me. I'm basically all grievance all the time.

Me too. I mean, my life's okay,

but I've got notes. You know?

Yeah. I'd be Mrs. Austin Butler right now

if I had What If'd, that's for darn tootin'.

Sorry, but generally not being happy isn't good enough.

We're not unpressing this button until we have a good guess

what it will change about our lives.

We need to do a pro and con list for everyone here.

Korvo, no! Pro and con lists are a gateway drug to Venn diagrams.

Break out the whiteboard!

[all groan]

And done.

Crap. Turns out we actually all have really awesome lives.

So we all have an equal chance of messing up our lives

if we press the button.

Fuck it. I'm gonna press that shit.

- No, don't! - It's an even chance my life gets shitty.

I'm willing to take those odds.

- Me too. - Yep. I'm in.

Nobody here has a bad life. Why take the risk?

There was a whole song about it.

Yeah. We were promised a bunch of wacky What If scenarios.

We don't take kindly to broken promises, king.

But you don't know what we'll lose.

Finding out will be part of the fun.

- Think about the mission. - Mission, schmission.

What if whatever the What If is

endangers the thing that we're doing with the Pupa?

Um, we're totally unbothered by that possibility.

We're not exactly doing great with the Pupa anyway.

Maybe resetting the device puts the mission back a few steps. Who cares?

- What? I care! - Why? Your life sucks.

Don't you wanna slide that finger all over that big red button?

Choke me and push it.

Don't try and sexy pet me into agreeing with you.

I actually have a cool life. Maybe the coolest life.

So cool you could chill Capri-Sun on it.

Your life isn't cool.

You're the leader of a team that doesn't respect you,

you never let yourself have fun,

your fashion sucks, and you're a bald-ass bitch.

You're a bald too.

Yeah, but we own it, like Steven Seagal.

We're slaying the no-hair, no-ears look. Smooth.

Come on, gang. It's three against one.

Wait, wait, wait. You wanna have fun?

What if we play with the Dumb Ray instead?

Yeah. Hmm. What if we did that?

Let's use the What If? Device and find out!

We wanna do a bunch of fun What Ifs now!

No more talking or being cautious.

No. Let's leave the ship and watch some TV.

I heard there's a Carlito's Way marathon on VH1.

That's something the whole family can enjoy.

You hyped the What If? Device too well. Get him!

- [all shouting] - [Korvo wailing]

- [all yelp] - What the hell?

[AISHA] No roughhousing on the ship!

Whoa. I see your Shlorp Fu has improved over the years.

Well then, let us begin.

AISHA, give me cover.

[♪ energetic music]

[Korvo grunting]

Come back here with the What If? Device, you overly cautious son of a bitch!

I already did my steps for the day.

Please don't make me chase you. Please!

[tires screeching]

Follow that husband.

Keep your pants on.

I have $14,000 in unpaid parking tickets,

so I have to do this once a week.

You really shouldn't own a car.

Ugh, you sound just like that woke-ass judge.

[Korvo shouting]

Gotta get you somewhere Terry would never go.

That store that only sells books about planes,

Disney's California Adventure, maybe the dermatologist.

- [thud] - Ah!

- Ah! Cut it out! - [What If? Device beeping]

Without the ship systems, this thing is unstable.

Ah! Stop hitting me!

It just leaked a random What If.

[phone rings]

Give us back that device. We wanna have fun.

Also FYI, I'm gonna order Greek food for dinner tonight.

So do you want to split a lamb souvlaki?

No to the first part. Yes to the souvlaki. [grunts]

Guys, check it out.

What if I had a mustache?

I could finally participate in No Nut Movember.

Oh, no! The device is losing cohesion.

All sorts of What Ifs are getting out.

Ah, not the coin machine!

Oh, my God, I'm alive! And I'm rich! Woo!

Ah! I've been tie-dyed.

[Korvo] Oh, God, a What If'ing phoenix.

Lollipop trees! A rhino!

- [cars thud] - [device zapping]

Ah!

[all scream]

- [Korvo screams] - [all screaming]

Oh, God. I suck at Rainbow Road.

Why couldn't it be Moo Moo Meadows? No!

[all screaming]

Korvo: Oh, God.

[all screaming]

Would you stop being a crazy person?

Do you realize how much worse you're making our lives

by not pushing the button?

Don't you see that, Korvo? Don't you see?

Ah! I have a wedgie!

[happy gibberish]

I can't! I can't!

We'll just have to live with all this weird shit.

Babe, what's going on with you? You hate random chaos.

I know. It's just...

I think I was the one who pushed the button.

Ah, Korvo, but that means--

It would be my life that would change if we unpressed it.

- Oh, really? - Why?

Because my life is amazing.

I'm in love with you and you love me back,

and we have a great little family.

I don't deserve any of this.

Oh, it only makes sense that I made a What If

and asked what my life would be like if you loved me, Terry.

[stammers] But the whiteboard, the mission.

It's not the mission I'm worried about. It's us.

If we push that button, it might reset our marriage.

Our whole love story.

I don't wanna lose us so we can see

"What If Jesse had the powers of Thor" or whatever.

Yeah, I'd use his hammer to rob pharmacies.

What if, without this, I become super lame and stupid

and we never end up together?

Oh, Korvo, I love you because you're lame and stupid.

[Yumyulack] And unpopular.

Pushing the button will never change that.

- Really? - Really.

But our marriage needs to be built on truth.

We need to know our actual un-What-If'd reality

for what we have to mean something.

We have to know what if the button had never been pushed.

You're right. Terry, that's it!

What the hell's that?

It's an emergency crossover machine.

I keep it in the car in case we ever get a flat tire

but also want to hang out with the Flintstones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I could have been crossing over this whole time?

This machine uses quantum entangle technology.

I can repurpose the components

and build a single-use What If? Device.

It won't be strong enough to transform our world,

but we can watch the What If on a screen.

Of course! Wait, what?

I'm not a logic guy. I'm really stupid.

Alright, here we go. Gather round, everyone.

What if whoever used our What If? Device

had never pressed the button?

[gadget whirs]

This is way back when we escaped the destruction of Planet Shlorp.

Look, there's the other 99 ships.

[Yumyulack] But you always say it's a hundred adults.

Wouldn't that only be 50 ships?

[Korvo] A hundred adults is a hundred sets of adults.

[Yumyulack] That was not clear.

[Korvo] Well, it's clear now, you pedantic little shit.

[Terry] Shh! This took us back far as hell.

Greetings, crew. It is I, Commander Zarck.

- Commander on the deck. - [Solars gasp]

[Korvo] Who the fuck is Commander Zarck?

Holy crap. He must be our real mission leader.

Hunk alert. Wee-woo, wee-woo.

Oh, my God, I want to take a bite out of that!

Oh, sorry, babe. [groans]

- [What If zaps] - [explosion booms]

Wait. So we used to have a different mission leader?

I don't remember this Zarck guy at all.

Yeah, da fuck?

Da fuck indeed, Terry. Let's keep watching.

Get out of my seat and don't mess with the controls again.

You've set us way off course. We almost hit that space eye.

Sorry, sir. What should I be doing?

I don't care. Go clean out the Pupa's poop tray.

Yes, sir. My course was better.

Man, I looked at all the cabinets on the ship

and I can't find any cake.

Do we not have any treats? I want treats.

I'm bored!

Are we there yet? This sucks.

Everyone quiet! Hey, hey, it's okay.

We'll get you terraforming in no time.

- Coochie-coo. - [Pupa giggles]

Enough complaining.

The future of the Shlorpian race is in our hands.

Take the mission seriously

and follow my orders with rational diligence.

[mocking] "Take the mission seriously."

Oh, God, that guy's such a sleemo.

You three are way too focused on goofing off.

There's no room for fun when we have a Pupa to take care of.

We have to be strict and diligent at all times.

Wrong. It's not a dichotomy, Korvo.

They're too goofy, but you're too strict.

That kind of thinking will cause conflict and endanger the mission

just as much as they are.

Uh, b-but it's very serious work, sir.

That's why you need balance. Like me.

Look, as long as I'm here, we'll be fine.

Commander, I am so over your vibe, sir.

- Terry, go to your room! - Gah, I wish I'd never been planted!

[blows raspberry]

Nice one, boss.

Hey, a little respect.

I'm your leader whether you like it or not.

We do all the work while you just boss us around.

We don't need balance.

Oh? And who would be a better leader?

I would obviously be suited to the task.

Ha! This whole mission would fall apart without me.

Oh, please. You wish. We would do fine without you.

Oh really? Well how about we use the What If? Device

to see how fast you'd botch this if you were on your own.

[machinery whirring]

What if I was ejected in an escape pod

and my team had to complete the mission by themselves

and they didn't remember me at all?

Or what if I don't press the button and stayed your leader?

This device is powerful.

I shouldn't use it to make a point.

So this Zarck guy pressed the What If button

and disappeared himself and we all totally forgot?

What a loser.

Okay, but just so I'm clear,

what we're watching right now is

what would've happened if he hadn't pressed the button

and stayed our leader on Earth, right?

Yes, Jesse. My God. Keep up much?

Let's watch how differently that would've played out.

[alarm blaring]

We've located a planet ripe for terraforming.

Everyone strap in and prepare for landing.

[♪ epic music]

♪

[whirring]

Ee-yarth, our new home.

[♪ muzak playing]

Good, good. The Pupa likes a clean house.

- Scrub near that wall. - [canned laughter on TV]

- No TV. - Ugh!

Our sole purpose in life is the mission.

Don't get distracted by human culture.

There's only one way to find out if our neighbors like us.

- Nanobots. - Buy an RV. Na-nanobots.

No! Those nanobots are only to be used if cyborgs invade.

I'm gonna start wearing fun T-shirts

to show off my incredible personality

and provide a window into my genius.

- [laser zaps] - My apparel!

Shlorpians wear robes.

[grunting]

Ooh, see that? The Pupa's evolving.

I wub you, Commander Zarck.

Aw! Good words, Pupa!

Commander Zarck, I'm requesting permission

for Terry and I to co-sleep in this bed.

Request denied.

You'll sleep in your regeneration pods

so you can do clerical work while your body sleeps.

- [Korvo/Terry] Yes, sir. - And Terry,

stop standing outside the neighbor's window

and watching their TV.

No standing in line.

Absolutely not.

No. No!

No!

Oh, we finally did it! The Pupa's terraforming!

[Yumyulack] What? No, that's too soon.

We didn't get to do any cool shit.

Aah, does this guy hate fun?

I don't buy it. This can't be it.

Look, it's happening!

All our hard work and discipline paid off.

The mission is complete.

Shlorpian civilization will be reborn

exactly as it always is, unspoiled by outside influence!

[♪ dramatic music]

♪

[screaming]

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[screen glitching, static]

Wow. I can't believe it.

Zarck, am I right? Oh, he's a real Chad.

You know he chews gum.

Yeah, he was a stud.

Korvo, babe. You gotta push that button.

You'll reset Zarck's original What If,

and your biggest desire will come true.

The mission will be complete. Earth will be terraformed.

We really messed this up.

Zarck would've gotten this world terraformed twice over.

He's not wrong.

We do spend a lot of time arguing about new Dr. Pepper flavors.

Little Pepper, Lot of Pepper, Nurse Pepper, Pepper Zero.

It's okay, Korvo. We get it. Do what you gotta do.

[♪ emotional music]

[Korvo groans]

[sparks crackling]

Whoa! More Shlorp Fu!

You broke the shit out of that thing.

Damn right, I did.

But I thought you wanted to complete the mission.

That's like your whole thing.

That Zarck guy was full of shit.

Sure, he got the mission done in record time,

but we aren't just cogs in a Shlorpian machine.

We're guiding the Pupa,

but we're also learning a lot from living on Earth.

We found out about love, The Criterion Collection,

paintball, NASCAR, and Tubgirl.

Oh, love Tubgirl.

All these beautiful things

that Shlorpians would benefit from knowing,

they aren't in the Pupa's record of the home world.

How many Planet Shlorps have existed

where nothing's different?

Why do we keep replicating it to be the same

when it could be the same but also better?

But th-the mission!

I mean, you always said my dicking around would mess it up.

It does. You go too far all the time.

But now at least we can stay married

and keep boinking for the good of the mission.

Amen, you bald little bitch.

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

Hell yeah! Oh, get it.

Kiss fest! Woo!

I'm gonna get into a handstand for a vertical 69.

Catch me, catch me, catch me.

You better tongue that mound.

You're slayin', pimp!

Uh, what about all the random What Ifs

that the device created when it was malfunctioning?

Like my mustache, and also this thing.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at my hot coins. [grunts]

Yeah, this thing's gotta go.

Doesn't it all just go away like at the end of The Lion King

when light returns to Pride Rock?

No. Without the device,

we'll have to break it all down by hand.

- [gunshot] - [coin machine screams]

[coins clinking]

[phoenixes screeching]

Keep going. You're doing great.

I just got off the phone with the Navy.

They dumped the woman who turned into a dolphin

into the Mediterranean.

She's lovin' it. Doing all sorts of flips and jumps.

[gunfire]

Yeah! These holy water-infused bullets are doing God's work!

[phoenix screeches]

[♪ pleasant music]

I'm pretty glad you didn't press the button

and reset everything, Korvo.

Me too.

And so the big What If turned out to be an "it was."

- Did-did that make sense? - Well, we'll punch it up later.

- It's like 80% of the way there. - Perfect.

Somehow, we got out of this day stronger than before,

without any What If consequences.

Yeah. Consequences suck.

They really do.

Fuck consequences.

- [Terry laughs] - Yeah, fuck 'em!

- Fuck consequences indeed. - [all laughing]

[♪ suspenseful music]

[beacon beeping]

[electronic voice] Distress signal received.

Downloading coordinates.

I've got you now, you ungrateful turds!

What If it's time for me to get my revenge?!

[laughing maniacally]

Oh, shit, I forgot my water bottle!

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]

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