Original subtitles

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[♪ suspenseful Western music playing]

[shrieks]

[♪ tense music playing]

Hmm.

[slurps]

Porcupine. No, wait.

[slurping]

Hedgehog.

♪

Hyah, lizard, hyah!

[lizard galloping]

♪

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.

Why do all these old billionaires put young people's blood in their veins

when they can be paying to put Gray 55, the robot blood,

directly into their genitals?

That's the good stuff!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[♪ suspenseful Western music playing]

I heard there was an old PEZ dispenser out here somewhere.

- Do you think we'll get to see it? - Don't know, don't care.

I wonder what character it is.

Ooh, and what flavor the PEZ is.

Ooh, and if we find it,

I'm gonna crawl up on the top to get a view of the--

Stop trying to make this fun.

That bounty hunter could still be tracking us.

[Sofia] You know, I'm not some naive kid.

I did pretty good with your hippie pal in Sandbox Town, didn't I?

You almost got killed, twice!

Ah, but I didn't.

Meanwhile, you were higher than Matthew McConaughey's kite.

[deep voice] "Oh, I'm Gavin.

"I'm a lightweight who can't handle some mushrooms.

Oh, take me to the hospital, I can't feel my old hands."

I need to deliver these supplies to the NoHo Hank Funko Pop

Terry threw into the yard when Barry turned into a drama.

Nothing in my orders about keeping you alive.

Ooh, what's this thing?

[Gavin] [sighs] Basketballburgh.

I've heard about Basketballburgh!

[gasps] Do they really have a rollercoaster made out of K'nex?

Yeah, but it's the kind that's only scary

because you think it's gonna fall over the whole time.

Maybe if you get to like me, we can be scared of it together.

I don't want to like you. I want to be done with this.

Hyah!

[both gasp]

[♪ uplifting music playing]

Oh, my God, water!

This better not be a mirage!

Actually, I don't even care. It's so hot, I'll take the illusion.

Something's not right.

Why does it smell like the Smirnoff outlet store?

[dragonfly sizzles, shrieks]

Last one in's a shitty wad of shit.

- [Gavin grunts] - [Sofia yelps]

- What the hell? - Look!

Oh, my God. That dragonfly can't swim.

Someone call a bug lifeguard!

It's not water.

[bugs squealing]

[Sofia] Jesus, what the hell is it?

[gasps] Hand sanitizer,

the cheap kind that smells like coyote vagina.

At our scale, this stuff burns like acid.

[leaf sizzles]

Oh, my God, I could've died.

Hey, hey, you didn't. You're okay.

I don't think I like the Back Yard.

Yeah, well, I don't really like anything.

Except for Coldplay, they rule.

[♪ intense ominous music playing]

Come on, guys, he's gonna be here any second!

I broke out the gouda today!

Only the fanciest cheese for our famous friend.

Avatar! My blue!

- [Pupa grunting] - [JK Sevens whirring]

- [Pupa shouts] - [tray clatters]

Ah, my charcuterie board!

You know how many TikToks I had to study

to get the meat flopped right?

I told you two to stay out of the kitchen!

[Jesse] Why are you fighting? I thought you were besties.

They're both Geminis.

When Saturn's in their seventh house, good luck!

Neither of them were born on this planet.

The star signs are hecka different.

Gemini energy is bigger than galactic star charts!

You two better suck it up.

Our famous friend's coming over to hang out today.

But what he doesn't know is that it's actually an intervention.

Turns out you can have too much alcohol and heroin,

and weed, and all the other drugs smooshed up into a big ball.

He's going to freak out. Everyone needs to be as quiet as possible

while we spring a friend trap on his ass.

Oh, man, the look on his face when we confront him with his own failings

is gonna be tragic! [chuckles]

[missiles whooshing]

- [missiles exploding] - [all screaming]

[crockery clanking]

Stop it with the sci-fi fight already!

- [Pupa grunts] - That's it, if you can't behave,

then we're locking you two in the Manc Ave

until the intervention is over!

[Pupa grunts]

You two are like feral cats!

Are we sure it's a good idea to leave them alone?

Yeah, we had to move a lot of dangerous stuff down here

to make room for the intervention in the living room.

Like that laser cannon and the ottoman.

It's all harmless, they'll be fine.

What about this microuniverse in a snow globe?

Or this soul disc you made Terry after he saw Tron?

Oh, yeah, we recorded my soul onto that thing

so I could live in the grid as a program.

I'm hella bicoastal, baby.

I made that up to make you happy.

So I still have my digital soul?

- Not cool! - Ah!

- Ah! - [Jesse gasps]

Ah!

Whew, you almost released The Thing from The Thing.

That's a Miss Thing, so we don't get sued.

- Wink, wink. - [Miss Thing growls]

[Pupa gasps]

But even in clearable parody form,

this little lady is just as dangerous as her big-screen counterpart.

Ah, geez, we can't leave them down here with Miss Thing.

- She'll eat them and steal their DNA. - [Pupa gasps]

Wow, Jesse, um, women have to support other women.

She's just jealous because Miss Thing rocks a bow better.

We'll just put her way up here. Problem solved.

- [doorbell rings] - [group gasps]

Oh, my stars and garters, I haven't lit the candle in the bathroom yet!

Listen to me, you two,

if either of you come upstairs for even a second,

you're grounded for life!

But if you can make it through this intervention without fighting,

we'll take you to your favorite fast casual French restaurant.

- Au Bon Pain? - Oui. So be good.

Here, just zone out and watch

the director's commentary-only edition of Shrek.

[director] [on screen] For this first scene, I wanted

a sweeping wide shot, but the studio insisted on starting

with Shrek coming out of an outhouse, wiping his ass.

Now a lot of people wanna know how we got the donkey to talk.

No, it's not peanut butter. It was computers.

[♪ suspenseful Western music playing]

You know what I miss about the before-fore?

Being big enough that a raindrop wouldn't kill me?

Yeah, I was gonna say $5 foot longs.

But that raindrop thing really is a problem.

[Hedgey purrs]

- Hedgey, did you just purr at her? - We're friends.

He wraps his little arms around me when we sleep.

I call them hedgehugs.

I've been beggin' you for hedgehugs.

[Hedgey groans]

He makes me feel safe, at least for a minute.

The Yard's a hard place to live,

but I'll take it over the Wall any day.

The Wall didn't have poison lakes.

Worse. I was there for every era.

[crowd roaring]

I stormed the Duke's staircase in Wall War I.

When Tim took over, I helped clean and distribute sex toys to the needy.

I even smuggled Raisinettes over the wall in the Wall

when the Bowinians split off.

[Sofia] No Duke or Bowinians out here.

That's right, this is a simple yard.

Look at us delivering fruit to hungry people, no politics.

That's the way to live.

[♪ foreboding music playing]

[JK Sevens beeping]

Mine! Mine!

No! Ah!

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

- [JK Sevens beeping] - Ah!

[Miss Thing shrieks]

Aah!

- [Miss Thing shrieking] - [objects crashing]

What the... Oh, finally!

Do you know how long I've been trapped in the digital world?

There isn't even a single Del Taco in there!

- [Miss Thing shrieks] - Ah!

[weapon whirring]

Ah!

[Miss Thing shrieks]

- [bats shrieking] - Ah!

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Miss Thing shrieks]

♪

What's wrong, boy?

Road's blocked.

Usually, Terry throws his chicken legs

closer to the kitchen window.

- [sword swishes] - [Gavin and Sofia shout]

- [lizard hisses] - [Sofia] It's the bounty hunter!

Jesus Christ, where? Oh, me.

Hyah, Hedgey, hyah!

[grunts]

[lizard growls]

He's still coming!

We gotta go off-road!

[grass rustling]

PEZ!

Oh, shit! No time to stop! Go, Hedgey, go!

- [wagon thuds] - [Gavin and Sofia grunt]

Good boy! Get us outta this and it's grubs for dinner all week!

- [Hedgey squeals] - [Gavin and Sofia scream]

- Come on! - Look!

Hurry, push!

♪

- It's working. - [lizard roars]

[Bounty Hunter grumbles]

Hyah, hyah. [clicks tongue]

It'll take him hours to get all the way around.

This is gonna work.

- [Sofia] Ah, we're sinking! - [Gavin] Ah!

Oh, no, we need to jettison weight.

- [Hedgey screaming] - Hedgey, quit it.

- It's gonna be okay. - Ah, come on!

- Hedgey. - Hedgey, please, you need to stay calm.

Ah, god, it burns!

[Sofia] Oh, my God, are you okay?

We're still sinking. We need to lighten the load.

- No! - Hedgey, no!

[♪ poignant music playing]

- [Hedgey whinnies] - [liquid splashing gently]

- [Hedgey vocalizing] - [both gasp]

His quills protect him from the hand sanitizer!

Good boy!

Ha! I'm learning a shit-ton about hedgehogs today.

Crap!

We took on too much goo. Come on!

We can save the food, pass it over.

We can't leave the cart.

We can build a new cart.

Stop it! What are you doing?

We don't need the cart if we don't have the food!

It's ruined.

Goddammit.

[♪ tense music playing]

[groans]

You better have a really good answer for what just happened.

Um, I did the cart thing.

You call hand sanitizer goo.

Let's not point fingers.

What is wrong with you?

[Miss Thing hissing]

- [JK Sevens beeps] - [Pupa grunts]

[sighs]

Ah! Au Bon Pain!

[Terry] I forgive you for getting gacked on blow

and then running me over with your convertible.

No matter how many castles you defeat,

you'll never find the drug that makes you you again.

You know, I remember when you started out as a simple gamer boy,

but ever since the movie came out, you've changed.

You wanna fight the final boss? Look in the mirror.

[friend] [in Italian accent] Wahoo, that was beautiful, Terry.

But I'm gonna have to say, "Oh, no!"

You think I need your pity, you little bitches?

[Terry] I'm a little bitch?

You're the one who offered to blow Eric Stonestreet for an eight ball.

[friend] So what if I did?

It's a-me, I'm a fucking a-movie star now!

- [Terry] You begged him! - [Pupa gasps]

[Korvo] Calm down, Terrance, let him express his feelings.

[friend] I don't wanna be here!

The Last of Us people don't have to put up with this shit.

[Jesse] The Last of Us guys didn't drive their Kart

off the PCH hopped up on PCP.

[Sofia hammering]

What were you thinking?

Can we talk about this later?

That bounty hunter's still out there. We gotta get going.

Get going where exactly? You tossed all the food!

Okay, I know it seems bad.

All we have is an empty cart!

I'm never gonna be able to clear my debt.

Yes, you will.

This isn't DoorDash.

When you get paid to transport food,

you don't get paid without the food!

We weren't transporting food!

Oh, I'm sorry, then what were we doing?

We're hauling this.

[♪ intense dramatic music playing]

That's the real payload.

A stupid metal wheel?

It's a valve for a water spigot.

We can use it to turn the sprinklers back on.

Crops will grow again.

Everyone will have all the fruit they want.

- So you lied to me? - I had to.

The grass, everything is dying.

Someone turned the sprinklers off.

They were trying to take all the power and control the yard.

If they knew we had this...

That bounty hunter isn't even after me.

He's after this fuckin' valve.

Okay, technically, yes, but I had no choice.

Look, all you have to do is deliver this spigot to our contact

and you will get your Yardbucks.

This is exactly the type of

Tim and Sisto political bullshit I will not be part of.

Controlling water isn't political.

What? [sputters] Haven't you seen Chinatown?

I only watch movies on Disney Plus!

Yeah, well, that's pretty fuckin' clear.

What are you doing?

If you leave now, you, you, you won't get paid!

Ah, what good's money

if I get killed by some Back Yard Duke before I can spend it?

Come on, Hedgey, let's leave this liar liar

before her pants catch on fire.

[♪ poignant music playing]

Fine, leave!

I don't need you. I'll do it myself!

Stupid Gavin.

Stupid jerk.

Doesn't even wanna save the Back Yard.

[panting]

- Asshole! - [grass rustling]

[♪ suspenseful Western music playing]

[lizard growling]

You.

[lizard snarls]

You killed my uncle!

[shouts]

[Sofia screams]

[Korvo] Look, we just wanna see you get off the streets

and back to the Mushroom Kingdom.

[Yumyulack] No more tennis, no more golf,

no more superstar sagas.

[friend] Oh, come on.

[Jesse] Please go to rehab. You know it's the right thing to do.

- [Terry] Let us love you. - [Yumyulack] Please!

[Jesse] Can you get me a meeting with Toad?

[friend] Oh, God, I'm a big piece of shit!

I'm-a so sorry, you guys.

I just wanna kill turtles and go on odysseys, you know?

I'm so sick of shooting up in the bathroom

of a Long John Silver's

with the fighters from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation!

- [crying] - [Miss Thing snarls]

- Shh. - [Korvo] What the hell was that?

Huh. It's probably not important to the story.

[Terry] Huh, I guess it was just our imagination.

[friend] [sniffles] Thank you, guys.

I was so close to game over,

but now it feels like I have hope.

[guest] Birdo, Birdo, Birdo!

[Terry] Jesus Christ, this isn't about you.

- [JK Sevens whirring] - Mmm.

[Hedgey groans]

What's the matter, H?

You can't still be hungry after that double helping of mealworms.

No, no, do not give me that look.

Yeah, I know, I-I was starting to like her too,

even though she said I dress "daggy,"

whatever that means.

Hey, hey, come on, stop!

I'm in charge here!

[Gavin shouts]

Fine, we can go back.

Once we know she's safe, though, we are gone for good.

- [Hedgey purring] - Alright.

Okay then, if we're doing this, let's hurry up.

Hyah!

I think we really got through to him.

Eh, he won't last the month.

The Thanksgiving Day Parade's right around the corner,

and you know how he gets around the Rockettes.

Okay, I wonder what kind of shit show we're walking into down here.

[director] [on screen] Four donkeys died during the production.

The stage lights were just too hot for the little guys.

We are very proud of you two.

You went the whole day without fighting, good job.

Go upstairs and get your puffy coats,

we're going to Au Bon Pain!

- Yay! - [JK Sevens beeping]

I need a fuckin' smoke.

They only had Camel Crushes.

Gross. Hand them over.

Terry, you brilliant son of a bitch.

I can't believe your plan worked.

Pretending to get our friend hooked on heroin

so we can have an intervention excuse

to lock the Pupa and JK Sevens down here...

So they would work together and become friends!

-"Pretending"? - Either way, I'm impressed.

It's called parenting, honey.

Top work, Miss Thing.

Looking forward to working together again.

[together] Miss Thing, Miss Thing,

- Miss Thing! - Alright!

- Yeah! - You go, girl!

Little one hit me with a container of laundry detergent.

Here's an extra 20.

You're free to head out into the world and spread like a virus or whatever.

We don't really care what you do to humans.

Well, here's a tip, don't do drugs.

- [Solars laughing] - [Miss Thing coughs]

[sniffing]

Huh. It looks like she stopped here and went off-road.

- [Hedgey squeaks] - What is it, bud?

[♪ somber music playing]

Oh...

Lizard tracks, dammit!

[♪ epic music playing]

Oh, why did it have to be Basketballburgh?

There's two dozen bastards down there who'd love to see me dead.

[Hedgey squeaks]

Yeah, I know.

As usual, I don't have a choice.

Hyah!

I'll bet you 10 Yardbucks I won't gamble, okay?

[♪ eerie music playing]

[gasps]

What the hell?

[gasps] The rollercoaster!

Wow, it's so green.

Well done, Little Richard, really.

Tip-top work. Here's your Yardbucks.

Treat your wife to a nice meal, on me.

We're all the same size. That name doesn't make any sense.

It's because I have a tiny dick!

Happy?

Wait, I know you.

You used to be the head of the Wall Council.

You were one of the good guys.

I still am a good guy.

I can't thank you enough for guarding this as you crossed the Yard.

Now, with all the spigots,

I can control all the water

as far as the tiny eye can see!

[laughs evilly]

Dammit, I bet this is just like Chinatown.

[evil laughter continues]

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]

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