Original subtitles

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

Oh, Bradd and the aliens are gonna fight.

You've got a big mouth, Bradd. You better watch what you say.

What are you gonna do about it, alien bitch?

You're lucky you can even breathe in this atmosphere,

lost in space little pieces of shit.

We're not lost in space, you're lost in space!

I hate you, Bradd, you're a bad egg!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I don't want matinee-style freaks creeping around school

zapping people into piles of ash.

[all] Ooh!

Hey, take that back!

We don't do that anymore!

What are you gonna do about it, you little shit?

I'm gonna bounty hunt your ass.

[all grunting]

[students cheering]

Stop fighting.

You're kicking up a cartoonish dust cloud!

[coughs] Oh, God, my allergies.

Someone get my EpiPen!

I can't die, I'm only 35 years away from retirement.

- [body thuds] - [urine splatters]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.

Why are humans always running and jogging for no reason

when they should be saving their energy

for when they're being chased by a Magoogoo?

Everyone should be holding still and storing calories at all times

for when the Magoogoo emerges!

[♪ dramatic music]

[♪ gentle music]

And done. My love language is a combination of gift giving,

physical affection, and '80s television theme songs.

Yours is JavaScript.

Oh, bugger, I've been telling people I'm a Hufflepuff.

Not all quizlets end in Harry Potter houses, alright?

- Well, they should. - [door opens]

- It hurts. It hurts. - [Jesse and Yumyulack sobbing]

Ow, it hurts. Terry, Korvo!

What the hell happened to you two?

We got into a fight at school.

A bully named Bradd with two Ds

opened a can of double D whoop ass all over us.

Oh. What have I told you about fights?

Shlorpians don't participate in lowly human combat.

We are hyperintelligent, plant-based life forms.

We don't do violence.

We were trying to ignore him,

but then he said that all aliens are lame,

and he called me bitch and said his dad can beat you up.

I don't care what he said.

You shouldn't let him get in your-- Wait, what did he say?

- All aliens are lame. - After that.

- That I'm a little bitch. - No, I'm fine with that.

- The last thing. - He said that his dad can beat you up.

Oh, please, that's taunting 101. Who cares?

That's horseshit.

I can't have anyone thinking that a measly human can beat me up.

I'm Korvo the motherfucking alien.

Is this a bit? Who cares what the kid said?

He's a cum stain.

I care. He dragged me and his dad in on this.

The honor of this family, this team,

and the entire mission hangs in the balance, Terry.

Wait a minute, Bradd said his dad could beat up a dad in this family.

How do we know he wasn't talking about me?

I'm a dad too.

[Korvo and replicants laugh]

[laughter continues]

Okay, you're right. I'm more of a zaddy than a dad.

It's true. That was good though, Terry.

I really needed that. You've energized me for an ass-kicking.

- Well, off to hurt a stranger. - [Yumyulack] Korvo!

Korvo, wait. If you kick his ass with ray guns,

it'll just make it worse.

That's what he was saying we always do.

Oh, please, I can take on this Bradd's dad

without Shlorpian science.

I've got all the sci and fi I need right here.

[sighs] That man is such a Hufflepuff.

- [Pupa laughing] - Hey!

[Pupa laughing]

That's Korvo's third-favorite glowing orb.

It's powered by something that could destroy time and space.

Plus, he uses it to roll out his back.

Ah!

- [Pupa coos] - Oh, okay,

you guys are going naughty mode?

Drop it. Drop it!

- Pupa, I said drop it! - [Pupa coos]

Pupa, no, drop it!

Pupa, you drop that orb right now!

[knocking]

- Can I help you? - Are you Bradd's dad?

I'm Korvo the alien.

Oh, I've heard about you.

Word on the road is your kid told my replicants

you could beat me up.

I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.

You're being real aggressive right now, man.

Well, I didn't evolve on Earth.

I have strength beyond your limited imagination.

You can't go around writing checks

that your bullshit can't cash, you little bitch.

Don't call me a little bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're a big bitch.

[grunts] Don't you grab my fist mid-swing, you cheater.

[Korvo grunting]

[bones cracking]

[Korvo yells]

[Korvo groaning]

- [fist thudding] - [face squelching]

[Korvo groans]

Dammit. Ugh. Ah.

Oh. Oh, God.

[AISHA] Korvo, you think you gonna drag your nasty,

beat-up ass through my shit

and not tell me how you got so messed up?

I ran into the, uh, Boondock Saints, and they sucker-punched me.

[Korvo grunts]

[Korvo screaming]

[hissing]

[AISHA] And I know there weren't any Boondocks Saints.

The replicants told me about your dumbass beef with Bradd's dad.

I'm glad you got it out your system.

Oh, Aisha, it is very much still in my system,

but something's not right.

[AISHA] Yeah, your stupid ego.

I shouldn't be able to be harmed at all by a human

who hasn't even experienced the technological singularity yet.

It doesn't make any sense.

[AISHA] You are letting your pride get the best of you.

Like in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

before the zombies showed up.

This is not about pride.

It's about my perceived self-worth.

[AISHA] If I had eyes, you know I'd be rolling 'em.

This guy jeopardized my standing as a leader

and the sanctity of the mission.

Now I have to go sci-fi on his ass.

Aisha, prepare me a Shlorpian Muscle-tini.

[AISHA] Fine, but nobody's buying that this is about the mission.

[♪ comical musical sting]

Using science for petty victories never goes wrong.

[laughs manically]

[AISHA] Your bwa-ha-ha laugh is weak as fuck.

[♪ bright music]

[feet thumping]

♪

- [door clatters] - [Korvo grunts]

[♪ dramatic music]

[chair thuds]

[head boings]

- [♪ dramatic orchestral music] - [both grunting]

[Korvo thuds]

[fist thudding]

[groaning]

[Korvo screaming]

[doors whoosh]

- [♪ bright music] - [doors whoosh]

[♪ lively music]

Mm. Ah!

♪

[scope whirring]

[♪ comical music]

[Korvo screaming]

[thuds]

[spear whooshes]

- [spear squelches] - [Korvo grunts]

[beeping]

[explosion booms]

[♪ downtempo whimsical music]

[tires screech]

Drop it!

[horns honking]

[tires screeching]

- [horn blares] - Aah!

Ha, ha!

- [thuds] - [Terry groans]

Yay!

Oh, God! [grunts]

Drop it!

[♪ light swing music]

♪

[happy humming]

[bacon sizzling]

[♪ mischievous music]

[pan clangs]

[birds chirping]

[Korvo screaming]

[♪ mischievous music]

[♪ suspenseful music]

[giggling]

[acid hisses]

[♪ dramatic sting]

[♪ suspenseful music]

[♪ music crescendos]

[acid hisses]

[Korvo thuds]

- [tube clinks] - [acid hisses]

[♪ whimsical flourish]

[sparks hissing]

- [glass shatters] - [♪ dramatic music]

[saws whirring]

♪

[shoes squeaking]

- [indistinct chatter] - [sirens blaring]

Drop it! Please, drop it!

[sirens blaring]

- Don't jump. - You have so much to live for.

No!

[JK Sevens beeping]

Drop... it.

[Pupa whooshes]

What do we do now? That was gonna be my whole evening.

Uh, there's a Monster Truck rally in town.

Ugh, fine, but only because I already revealed

I don't have another option.

[♪ dramatic music]

[zipper buzzes]

[♪ jaunty music]

[knocking]

[phone ringing]

[♪ mischievous music]

[baby cooing]

[knife flicks]

[squeals]

[Korvo gags]

[♪ jaunty music resumes]

[Korvo grunts]

[♪ "Ode to Joy" playing]

♪

[thudding footsteps]

[gears whirring]

No, no! [grunts]

[electricity crackling]

[Korvo thuds]

♪

[fists thudding]

[Korvo thudding]

Drop it!

[♪ lively music]

[water splashes]

[quiet cackling]

[pistol fires]

[missile beeps]

[♪ comical music]

[missile beeps]

[explosion booms]

[eyes blinking]

♪

[♪ dramatic music]

[bell tings]

[ship buzzing]

[♪ lively music]

[ship whooshing]

[♪ suspenseful music]

♪

[♪ lively music]

[♪ suspenseful orchestral music]

- [intestines rumbling] - [alarm blaring]

[Korvo screams]

[screaming continues]

[ship splashes]

[♪ dramatic music]

- [gulps] - [gun firing]

[♪ tense music]

Drop it.

[guns clicking]

Drop it.

Wait, who are you tellin' to drop it?

I'm telling the Pupa.

- The what? - The goddamn supercomputer behind you.

You know what? Can we just say that we're all gonna drop it, please?

No, he's right. You guys are my bros.

I really meant it earlier when I said that for me,

the action is the juice.

I love you guys.

Let's ditch this heist and go to that Monster Truck rally

that's in town, for old times' sake.

- Come on, everyone bring it in. - [guns clatter]

[JK Sevens beeping]

Drop it!

[♪ lively music]

[♪ quizzical music]

[♪ lively music]

[♪ mischievous music]

♪

[♪ mischievous music]

[door slams]

[Korvo] You fucked up now, Bradd's dad.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[Korvo] Well, well, well, it looks like the tables have turned.

You're in my house now!

This evenly matched battle of--

- Evenly matched? - [Korvo] Yes, we are two great warriors

fighting to a stalemate.

Don't try to throw me off, Bradd's dad,

or should I say Evgeni?

How'd you find my real name?

[Korvo] Oh, I know so much about you.

Like your fear of being eaten by an orca!

You thought your identity was a fortress,

but there were cracks in the walls.

Today, as we two equally unbreakable fighters faced off,

I started to gather information about you.

At first, I thought you were just a boring suburban,

ABC Primetime dad.

So I couldn't understand how you could fight me

to a draw so many times.

I don't remember there being a draw.

[Korvo] As an alien from another planet living on Earth,

my survival demands that I drink a quart of piss a day,

look good in a crop top, but mostly to be observant.

While we fought, I had my eyes open.

I first knew something was amiss

when I saw a painting above your fireplace.

I saw beyond its basicness.

The forest in that painting was in Nova Scotia,

known for being voted one of the best places

to raise a Hanna, like from the movie Hanna.

Sweet little Evgeni must have been trained

in the art of fighting by his dad, just like a Hanna.

My dad moved me to the woods as a baby,

after a time traveler tried to murder me.

My dad beat his ass.

[Korvo] No, he didn't! They were evenly matched!

You made your attack robots look like my kid?

- That's fucked up. - [Korvo] That doesn't matter.

We've been intertwined from the very beginning, Evgeni.

The unstoppable force versus the immovable object.

We balance each other.

I don't remember any balance when I was smoking you.

[Korvo] Perhaps earlier you noticed me pass you

on my daily rollerblading route.

The literature you were reading at the magazine stand

piqued my interest.

You mean when you tried to kill me and totally ate shit?

[Korvo] No, I didn't! Shut up!

My sharpened powers of deduction made me realize

that your background is way more complicated

than I previously guessed.

You were later trained in Russia,

a hunch that was proven true when you shot at me

after I had shrunken myself down and ended up in your toilet.

Two shots in the head, one in the heart, even when shooting into a shitter.

Wait, you were in my body and I shit you out?

I didn't even know you were in the toilet.

[Korvo] Wait, so why were you shooting at your own shit?

To break down the log!

You know what? I'm sick of this.

My past is none of your concern.

I keep it to myself for a reason.

[Korvo] I could leave it at that,

but I can't because you're not just a Hanna

who was subsequently trained by the KGB.

No. When I was in you, I took a sample,

which analysis proved you've been genetically altered

into a killing machine by Weapon Z,

a legally clearable version of Weapon X for parody purposes,

a program that's Canadian and so is poutine,

which is what you were eating!

We're two sides of the same coin, Evgeni.

A double-headed dildo of fighting ability.

Sure, I could step into the shadows and be evil like you,

but I choose not to.

- You attacked me. - [Korvo] I fight for justice.

What about you, Evgeni, why do you fight?

Is it your training or your watered-down genetics?

Or are you just an asshole?

The only reason I had to fight you

was because my son came home crying with a black eye.

Your shitty kids have been bullying him.

He told me exactly what they said to him.

That all humans are dumb and that he's a little bitch

and that their dad could kick my ass.

[robots whir and thud]

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, for realsies? - Yeah.

That's exactly what the replicants told me

but that Bradd was bullying them.

Did they have black eyes too?

They bloody did.

You didn't threaten to kick my ass, did you?

No, no, I did not.

Well then, what the fuck?

[♪ dramatic music]

Please, I don't have any more in the tank.

This is it. Th-th-this is the end of me.

Please just drop it.

[crying] Why? Why are you doing this?

We trained you to be good.

We trained you to respond to a verbal command.

[groans]

Wait, was it, "Drop it"?

[gasps] Pupa... give it.

Oh, alright, we trained you to give it, not drop it.

Oh, who's the Hufflepuff now, huh?

Where's the sorting hat when you need it?

Oh, my God.

- [Terry giggles] - Drop it!

So they made the whole thing up.

They knew we would have to answer the call to battle,

the two of us, great handsome warriors

of undeniably equal skill.

Saying it doesn't make it true.

I said undeniably, Evgeni,

that means you can't deny it.

I just don't understand why.

Why did they go to the trouble?

Wait, did your replicants ask

if they could go to a Monster Truck rally today?

Yes, but I said no, I can't support Monster Trucks.

The monster part makes them too scary.

I don't even support regular trucks.

Wait, did Bradd ask you if he could go too?

You don't think?

[crowd cheering]

- Yeah! - Smash that shit!

Look at those happy little bastards.

I wonder what they like more,

the large wheeled trucks or that they got away with it.

I'm proud of 'em for getting one past me.

Look at 'em having fun.

My dad never let me go to anything fun.

Maybe I'm too hard on the kid.

I too am impressed by my replicants' wiles.

Hey, let's not tell them we figured it out.

Let 'em think they pulled it off.

- Really? - Yeah.

We'll get our revenge during their impressionable teen years.

- I love that plan. - Good.

But just to be clear, we are not friends,

and we are nothing alike.

Fine.

Have you ever taken

one of those Harry Potter sorting hat quizlets?

Sure, I'm a Hufflepuff.

- Why? - Oh, no reason.

No reason at all.

- Woo! - Alright!

- This is awesome! - Alright. Yeah!

- Oh, my God! - [crowd cheering]

[Terry laughing]

Drop it!

Drop it!

I'm the Pupa.

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

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