Original subtitles

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[♪ gentle music playing]

Why the F did we leave Clervix 3

to come back to this broke-ass planet?

Look at my skin.

It's cracking from all the dryness, the air, the climate change,

my addiction to blow-drying my scalp.

Korvy, baby, hard disagree.

I love Earth. I missed organizing all my T-shirts into loose categories.

[man] Hey, aliens! A little help?

Is that our neighbor yelling at us like a goddamn animal?

- [hair dryer whirring] - Who?

Korvo, you gotta stop with the hair dryer.

You got no hair, you're burning a hole in your head,

and you're making the house smell like broccoli.

[horn honking]

I got your mail while you were on vacay.

Shit-ton of packages.

You guys really lean into that "buy now" button.

Ooh, my subscription boxes.

I love the thrill of having someone else make

my purchasing decisions.

I know you lovebirds just got married,

so I'm thinking super fancy honeymoon, huh?

Yeah, right. I would never be caught on a low-rent, trash-ass moon.

- Me neither. - Come on.

You guys know what a honeymoon is, right?

- What? Of course, we do. - How dare you!

Piss yourself until you die, Kevin!

If there's anything we know, it's what a bloody honeymoon is.

According to Wikipedia, a honeymoon is

an uninterrupted newlywed vacation taken immediately after the wedding.

We're late for our mandatory sex vacay?

We gotta leave right now.

You're right. I'll book us a room at the nicest resort in Canada,

the sexiest of all countries.

Quick, pack several things we won't end up wearing

and some heavy books we won't end up reading.

- On it. - [clothes rustling]

Can someone drop me off at the mall?

OshKosh B'Gosh is having a sale on all their galoshes.

We're doing special husbands-only time,

and Wikipedia says we can't be interrupted.

[Yumyulack screaming]

I tried playing softball,

and I underhand pitched too fast.

Sorry, pal, I can't help you,

because half of the Solar Opposites

are goin' on a honeymoon.

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.

They eat cheese, which is mold,

but when I scrape mold off my feet in a movie theater,

everyone gets all like, "Oh, oh, oh, don't do that. It's gross."

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Ms. Frankie] Alright, let's make this quick.

I'm late for my other job,

where I stand in front of self-driving cars

to see if they detect humans.

Are you doing a bit? Is that really a job?

Of course, it is. Now shut up.

Due to your planetary absence, you two are failing Sex Ed.

I'm not sure we need to learn about the sex, Ms. Frankie.

Yeah, we reproduce asexually,

without any floppy human organs.

We have these things called shmelk holes.

Each Shlorpian has a unique one.

Shut up! My paycheck is based on how many students pass.

So, if you fail,

I swear I'll make sure you get held back a year.

[Yumyulack and Jesse] No!

We can't hang with the younger kids.

They're intimidating as hell.

Those bitches were raised on Euphoria.

[Yumyulack and Jesse] Ah!

Please, we'll do anything.

Good. We also made porn dioramas

to make sure you dumbass teenagers comprehended the material.

Oh, sorry, that's my rusty trombone.

[chuckles] I meant that.

Can't we just be emancipated from school

like tennis prodigies?

I wish. How good's your game?

- [Yumyulack grunting] - [ball popping]

[Yumyulack groaning]

You're impressive on clay,

but your grass game falls to shit.

It's a no-go on the emancipation.

What a proclamation!

Part of Sex Ed is learning

that your actions have, oh, consequences.

Fucky-fucky can lead to some shit.

So, you two have to take care of this bag of sugar

as if it were a baby for an entire week.

It's conflict sugar, which I'm not proud of, but it tastes better.

I use it to bake oven-fresh cookies that trick men into staying the night.

Pssht, that's it? Easy mode.

Could have been easy mode,

but now that you disrespected my sugar,

you also have to sci-fi it into a real baby.

But I don't want a Sugar Baby.

I want a sugar daddy, or at least a sugar legal guardian.

And it's rude to assume that just because we're aliens,

we have the technology to bring things to life.

Uh-huh. Tell it to Principal Cooke's living car.

- [car brakes squealing] - That's it, good car, good car.

- Get the carrot. Fuck! - [car thuds]

[all laughing]

Okay, that was us.

Oh, shit, it's coming back for more.

[Principal Cooke] Oh! Oh, God!

Fine, here comes the sci-fi.

[Make Alive ray zapping]

- [♪ upbeat music playing] - [Sugar Baby cooing]

- It's so cute. - Aww, hi, baby.

You have one week to keep it alive.

- It can die, right? - Oh, yeah.

Good, I mean bad.

Don't let that happen.

- We have to respect life in all its forms. - [horn honking]

[Principal Cooke] It's grinding my bones into dust.

[♪ sensual music playing]

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

Oh, my God, I had no idea how turned on I'd get

by making out on a bed shaped like an organ.

I'm glad you talked me out of the Bahamas.

[Korvo sighs] Nothing beats

Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Resort, eh?

Canadian Reddit won't shut up aboot it.

They have the best gin and Isn't-It-I-Tonics in the province.

[knock on door]

Ding-dong. Sorry to interrupt you two love slugs.

But I have complimentary champagne, some big rush zip,

and a pile of Simple Simons with your name on it.

Ah, yes, I understood almost half of that.

It's drugs.

Wait a minute, complimentary zip?

- When does that ever happen? - Well, it's your honeymoon.

You get all sorts of free stuff.

What's the catch, bellman?

You ought to know, I have one hand in my pocket,

and the other one is waiting for a tip.

I've never tipped, and I never shall.

- Get outta here! - Sweetie.

Ugh. Fine.

Now get outta here.

Damn, I was all wet to get married, but I had no idea

how great the honeymoon perks would be.

Yes, everyone's falling over themselves to be nice to us,

just because we've taken their monogamy oath.

Upgraded to first class, big bowl of fruit in the room.

What about all those chocolate dicks we received on arrival?

You guzzled those down. Nom, nom, nom.

Guilt-free dicks.

When people find out you're on your honeymoon,

it's a free Genie Pass to the best shit.

As a married husband,

I think we should enjoy this unexpected boon

without taking it to the extreme.

Mm-hmm, I hear you on that,

but counterpoint from an equally married husband:

Why don't we run around and stress-test this shit

so we can see how much fun stuff we can get?

- Only if we 69.5 first. - Do I have to?

[laughs] I'd love that.

[Korvo grunts]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hey, those are my French fries.

We're on our honeymoon.

Aww, I'll get you truffle oil.

- [chair rattling] - Ah, help!

Someone call the mounted police.

I'm on my honeymoon, you old bitch.

Enjoy your love.

- H-moon hotties here! - [gunshot]

This is our spa day now.

But we're on our honeymoon too.

- Oh, shit! - Checkmate!

You're all entitled to a special rubbing.

[Korvo and Terry gasp]

Uh, oh, yeah!

Honey, you can't just shoot a gun

into the ceiling to get people's attention.

But it's my honeymoon.

Oh, shit, right, congratulations.

[Sugar Baby wailing]

- [Pupa growling] - Ow, Pupa!

Punch JK Sevens somewhere else.

And can you keep that Sugar Baby quiet?

I'm trying to game here.

I carried this baby for nine whole blocks

on the way home.

The least you can do is tell me I'm doing a good job.

Oh, come on, I don't want him.

My arms are tired.

We are totally failing at being a mandatory school family.

I think it wants to feel skin to bag.

Take off your shirt.

Ugh, Pupa, JK, get away from me!

And, Jesse, you gotta stop reading those parenting subreddits.

But their judgments keep me awake at night,

which helps me stay alert for night-time feedings.

Let's just do what all reasonable parents do

when things get hard.

Distract it with screen time.

- [slap thwacks] - No screens for baby.

- [Sugar Baby wailing] - [Pupa screaming]

Can I get five more masseuses, three for each cheek?

On your honeymoon? Of course.

We really should have gotten married sooner.

Who knew it would be the cheat code to life?

It's great, right?

You should definitely enjoy it while it lasts.

What on earth does that mean?

- Honeymoons are only like a week? - What?!

[Terry] It's right there on Wikipedia. Honeymoons last a week.

After that, it's just traveling without any of the perks,

and our week's almost up.

But I've grown accustomed to the honey-lifestyle.

How am I supposed to go back to underwear

without newlywed cans?

[cans clanking]

The honeymoon gives us a pass from being decent and careful.

I took that guy's wallet and shoved him into the pool.

He was wearing a Detroit Tigers hat, Terry.

A Detroit Tigers hat.

He's gonna kill me, Terry. He's probably from Michigan.

I don't want this week to end!

Nor do I, Terry, but I can't control time, not on that scale.

[gasps] Wait, I don't have to.

If the honeymoon only lasts a week,

then I just have to extend the week.

Korvo, you've gone honey-mad. That doesn't make any sense.

This is Korvo, the blue alien in room 413.

MTV Unplug your finger out of your arse and get me a dovmecopter.

My husband and I will have one hand in our...

We'll be borrowing it for the afternoon.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Korvo] If we find the Progenitor ship, we'll find the answer

to extending our honeymoon week.

Ah, yes, the Progenitors. I know them well.

That's why we're here, for the Progenitors.

Nothing like a good old Progenitor, am I right?

Progenitors were the ancient aliens who created the solar system.

Ah, yes, the so-lar system, I know it well.

You're an alien from space.

How do you not know what a solar system is?

I'm more of a sexy, Flash Gordon-type alien.

Damn right you are.

[beeping]

Okay, a Progenitor ship should be buried right here.

- And now we dig. - Fight!

Right, yes, of course. Diggity dig.

- [pickaxes thudding] - [Korvo and Terry grunting]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Korvo] Beautiful.

A piece of ancient history,

undisturbed since the dawn of time, untouched by...

- [scraping] - Terry!

Ugh, you ruined my vandalism.

[door whirring]

[door thuds]

- [♪ suspenseful music playing] - [both gasp]

These primordial geniuses

really knew how to design a control room.

Eat some ass, Marie Kondo.

Oh, look, these two died fucking.

[signal beeping]

This species ignited the sun and set the orbit of the Earth.

And they still had time to be sexy freaks. Impressive.

- [Terry grunts] - [skeletons clatter]

They locked the orbit into 52 weeks to complete a full solar revolution.

But if we increase the circumference of the orbit

a little larger...

Can't spell circumference without cum!

...then each of the 52 weeks will have to be a day longer.

Which means our honeymoon week is longer.

Terry, I love it when you understand what I'm saying.

It hurt my brain.

Now, let's get out of this dusty sex tomb

and go get more free stuff.

[Korvo and Terry] Honeymoon, honeymoon, tee-hee-hee!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [sighs] - [phone ringing]

- [phone clicks] - Hello?

Madam President! I've never had to answer this phone, but-- what?

The whole orbit?

Okay, yeah, I'll just slide in a new day called, uh, Blurgday

right at the end there.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but your appointment is on Saturday.

It's still Blurgday.

It's too bad you're checking out.

You never got to do our VIP swim-with-the-beluga-whale experience.

[both gasp]

[signal beeping]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Looks like a couple more days were added to the week.

So, would you like to swim with the regular belugas

or horny belugas with the French maid hats?

We'll take both.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[air whooshing]

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

Are you done honeymooning?

Hell no, give me more days.

[signal beeps]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [glass tinkling] - [Sugar Baby wailing]

How is this week so long?

I don't know, but I'm so tired.

- [glass shatters] - [Sugar Baby wailing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[fire crackling]

Brr. Consequences build as the week mysteriously extends.

TGIFridays closed their doors for good,

and SNL fans have been forced to watch reruns

to get their fix of overplayed, first-act sketches

that beat non-jokes into the ground.

Brr!

As the Earth's orbit moves away from the sun,

temperatures continue to drop.

- [Sugar Baby thuds] - [TV shatters]

Sugar Baby, no, bad Sugar Baby.

- [bowl thudding] - [Sugar Baby babbling]

It's been, like, 50 days!

I can't do this anymore!

It's all your fault for bringing the Make Alive ray to school.

Don't blame me.

Whatever sci-fi shit is happening

is for sure Terry and Korvo's fault.

We gotta make them stop.

We can't interrupt their honeymoon.

Can we please give Sugar Baby screen time?

It'll give us peace.

But I've been such a good parent.

This week is too long. Look at Pupa.

He's a supercomputer, and even he can't win.

He's been trying to throw JK Sevens out for days,

no one's picking up the trash.

[Sugar Baby wailing]

- [door thudding] - Ahh!

It feels like we're never gonna get to Monday!

We're co-parents.

We have to give up on this together.

Ugh, fine, but can we please let Sugar Baby

watch something sweet and chill and mildly educational?

How about The Great British Bake Off?

Those snaggle-toothed colonizers could dull anyone to sleep.

Okay, but only Bake Off.

I don't want him getting coked up on that flipping Blippi.

[narrator] [on phone] This week, we're making a single pancake.

- [Sugar Baby cooing] - [Jesse and Yumyulack sigh]

And I think we'll have the head-over-beet salad.

What the-- Oh, right, the Alanis Morissette thing.

And... choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo,

a side of this-album-is-about Dave-Coulier-acorn squash.

Hello? I said I want the squash.

- [ice crinkling] - [♪ suspenseful music playing]

Uh, Korvo, why is everyone frozen?

Ah, I guess maybe we pushed the planet a little far from the sun.

But that's not so bad, right?

No, we should be fine, as long as we don't...

- [Korvo gasps] - [♪ dramatic music playing]

Holy shit, we're going to crash into Mars!

On our honeymoon!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Maybe we're gonna miss it!

Its gravitational pull is already affecting us.

We've flown too far from the sun, Terry,

and now the planet is going to pay the price.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Terry screams]

- [door clicks] - Ahh!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Hope you enjoyed your stay. Do you have a quick minute for a survey?

[Terry and Korvo scream]

How did we let it get so bad?

I mean, I know how I did, but you're the smart one, Korvo.

I know, but the danger of changing the orbit

was better than something I'd read on Wikipedia

that scared the gooblers out of me.

Oh, God. What did you read about, Chupacabras, ee-ee?

There's a common phrase people use,

"The honeymoon is over."

What does that mean?

It's what people say about nasty couples

who've been married for a while and hate each other.

They start to see the ugly parts of their spouses they can't un-see.

That's why the divorce rate is like 4.5 out of 5.

So we make a promise.

Divorce is a forbidden D word.

Like how Disney Plus won't let us say "Donald [bleep] dirty [bleep]"

or how Dopey is the only dwarf that [bleep].

I never want to resent you,

not more than I currently do.

Korvo, if we can fuck with the Earth's orbit,

we can fuck with marriage statistics.

Honey, I am here for the tough times.

- I want to see your ugly parts. - I do too.

Let's return Earth to its rightful orbit,

warm the planet back to the previous catastrophic temperature,

and end this honeymoon on our terms.

That's my hot-ass husband right there.

And every year, we can celebrate our anniversary right here.

[pickax thudding]

[♪ classical music playing]

[air whooshing]

[rumbling]

♪

[♪ classical music playing]

[Yumyulack yawns]

Good thing Korvo equipped the house with its own artificial gravity

after Terry kept throwing his jugs on the roof.

[window thudding]

[distorted beeping]

[♪ classical music continues]

- [Sugar Baby screams] - Ow, he cut me.

What the heck is wrong with you?

[gasps] It's the baking show.

Look what they're using.

[gasps] While we've been resting,

Sugar Baby was watching them destroy his friends and family.

[both] Ah!

That little freak's on a murder mission.

He was Ms. Frankie's special sugar.

She must have killed all his friends with her fresh-baked hook-up cookies.

We can't let him kill Ms. Frankie or we'll never pass Sex Ed.

Activate magnet shoes.

[shoes beeping]

[shoes clomping]

How do these work on cement?

Shut up, nerd.

[Pupa grunting]

Ah! No!

[♪ heroic music playing]

[beeping]

Harry Potter whistle!

- Aw, friends. - [JK Sevens beeping]

[Terry and Korvo grunting]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Oh, what the hell? It's stuck.

We're gonna have to do it manually.

There are 10 switches around the room we must engage at the same time.

Love, love, love, love. I got mine.

That's eight. Come on, Terry, we just need two more.

[rumbling]

How the hell are we supposed to reach the last two?

Oh, God. We're gonna have to spread our flaps

and use our shmelk holes.

What? I've never shown anyone my shmelk hole. It's disgusting.

I haven't either, but we don't have a choice.

But mine's so ugly.

You're not gonna think I'm sexy.

This is what I read about on Wikipedia, Terry.

We're gonna see the ugly parts of each other,

and we'll be okay.

- I don't know. - Terry, I love all of you.

Uh, okay, fine.

[Terry groaning]

[limb rustling]

[Terry groans]

Oh, God, oh, fuck, it smells like, like...

I can't be clever on-the-fly like Deadpool.

It stinks, okay?

Hey, th-th-that's normal.

I showed you mine, it's your turn now.

Okay.

- [Korvo groaning] - [limb rustling]

[Terry] What the fuck?

It's beautiful. That's not fair.

- It's gross, don't look. - No, it is not.

Why does yours smell like cinnamon?

I want it in my mouth.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[limb thuds]

[machinery powers on]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[limbs slurping]

Hey, the polar bears are gonna be okay.

Yes, but we also returned climate change.

Oh, the polar bears are not gonna be okay.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [screaming] - [buildings thudding]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Typical sci-fi reset.

Oh, my baby.

[Sugar Baby growls] [♪ suspenseful music playing]

Apologies to my subscribers for the late post.

The gravity chaos fucked up my other, other, other job.

ASMR of sexy Pokemon names.

Charizard,

Squirtle, Jigglypuff.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ah!

- [Sugar Baby growls] - Ahh!

- [Sugar Baby growling] - Ow, that really hurts.

I regret being helpful.

- [glass shatters] - Oh, no!

What the hell is going on?

We, we lost our Sugar Baby.

Go ahead and fail us.

Did you spend wakeless days caring for something

that exhausted you, didn't listen, and eventually ran away

to pursue something you didn't approve of?

You betcha with a capital B, Ms. Frankie.

Plus, he stole 20 bucks outta my purse.

Congrats, you experienced true parenting, you passed.

Sugar Baby is still out there.

I'm worried he's gonna do a murder on you.

Nah, without us, I'm sure he'll get licked to death by a horse.

He'll be fine.

[narrator] Today, on The Great British Bake Off.

Everyone, grab your sugar.

- [Sugar Baby growling] - [host screaming]

[♪ gentle music playing]

Korvy, I'm having VIP withdrawal.

- Am I important? - We did the right thing.

We have all we need to feel special,

us, the team family,

and this goddamned heart-shaped bed.

[lips smacking]

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Terry] You wanna blow out my back and break this bed in half?

[Korvo] This heart shape is too small!

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]

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