Original subtitles

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[♪ ominous music playing]

[Yumyulack] Come on, Korvo, you can do it!

You got this, my King.

- [KORVO] Oh! [flatulence] - [cheering]

You did it, Korvo. Your human butthole's finally closed up.

You're back to normal.

I was starting to think you'd be human forever,

especially since Jesse, Terry, and I have been back

to being fully Shlorpian for a hot second now.

Ah, yes, it's good to be blue again,

though of all the human orifices, I shall miss le anus the most.

Fair thee well, old friend.

I don't get it. We were human, and now we're Shlorpian again?

How did that happen? Seriously, what's the deal?

- Terry! Calm down. - No, I want the answers!

Give me the answers!

There was no "previously on."

I don't understand what's going on.

I'm a new viewer, and I don't understand what's going on.

He's going Real Housewives. Grab him!

- Get off me! Let me go! - [all grunting]

I'm calm, okay? I'm calm. I'm good.

- You promise? - [sighs] Yes.

But for real, how'd this happen?

[AISHA] So to recap, y'all had been on Earth

so long without the Pupa terraforming,

that your Shlorpian bodies started to adapt

to the environment, and you turned human.

Uh, but why aren't we on Earth anymore?

I know, but just in case Terry doesn't understand.

[AISHA] To stop the transformation from becoming permanent,

you left Earth and resettled on Clervix 3.

The new atmosphere allowed your original bodies to reset.

Does this mean we can go back to Earth now?

[AISHA] I guess, if you really wanna go back

to that trash-ass planet.

The human transformation only happens once.

We are not going back!

Geez. Aw, you yelled that so loud.

And right in the place my ears would be.

I don't often speak in such an unceremonious manner,

but this new planet is the tits.

Oh, yeah, this planet is a set of big naturals,

the top of the tatas.

This place is a literal paradise.

There's no parking tickets, the sandwich they have

instead of the McRib is offered all year long,

the environment hasn't been destroyed,

and it isn't full of earwigs and centipedes like the last one.

Everyone here thinks my voice is hot and sexy,

especially when I say exotic stuff like "Sheboygan."

Clervix 3 rules!

The most popular sport is a version

of Hide and Seek, which is basically bounty hunting.

So that means I'm a cool jock here.

And you nerds better not forget it.

Even the Pupa likes it here.

He's reverted to his original color,

restarting his terraforming process.

Plus, I think he's teaching himself to read.

[Jesse] Cute!

Terry Ann, you agree this planet is B-I-G T-I-T-T-Y, don't you?

Oh, yeah, baby. It's a couple sweater stretchers for sure.

The restaurants only have booths,

no tables, just the way I like.

Bookstores still exist, so I have somewhere to browse magazines,

and Star Wars actually happened as a war here.

So now instead of knowing pop culture trivia,

I'm a learned historian.

The folks here even gave you that nickname when we arrived.

What was it again? Swizzle?

Yep, I'm Swizzle.

I've always wanted a nickname, and now I've got one.

Swizzle. [laughs]

Me to a T.

Then it's settled.

The Solar Opposites are staying on Clervix 3.

[cheering in unison]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

But then we did a bunch of stuff that ended up with us leaving Earth.

And now we live on Clervix 3,

which is a wonderful, perfect planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

I just dropped the Pupa, but it's okay because this planet is so nice.

I literally have nothing to complain about at all.

Terry likes it too, so we really aren't even Opposites anymore.

I hope the title still makes sense.

[♪ dramatic music]

[Korvo] Alright, presentation time.

As you know, we've been here on Clervix 3 for a couple of months now,

and we've had a lot of funny adventures. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

But it's time to get serious.

This afternoon, the Supreme Adjudicator will be visiting our home

to determine whether or not to grant us permanent citizenship.

I've met a lot of adjudicators in my day,

but this is definitely the highest-stakes adjudicator yet.

Yeah, well, he's the one who decides if we get to stay on this planet,

so to make sure everything goes smoothly, I've drafted a detailed plan.

We will be conducting a full-scale charm offensive

on the Supreme Adjudicator with our number-one priority being

"to not be extra."

And that's because the three pillars of Clervixian society are...

"Simplicity," "blandness," and "generic competence."

Being extra is a crime on this planet, and I know we've all dabbled in it before,

but today we have to lock that shit down.

Korvy, babe, I don't wanna poke holes in this,

but isn't saying extra kind of cringe?

I thought it was cheugy.

Extra isn't cringe or cheugy because this planet

is eight light years from Earth, so we're technically ahead of all trends.

"Extra" is bussin'.

- Hell yeah! - Oh, don't do that!

High fives are too extra!

I have assigned each of you important jobs for today.

Jesse! You'll make the traditional Clervixian Morg soup.

It's a flavorless room-temperature lumpless chowder.

I repeat, if you put lumps in the chowder, we are fucked.

I've got tons of great dish prep ideas

from watching The Bear on FX on Hulu

on the Disney Interstellar bundle.

All of that is way too extra.

Stick to the recipe and whatever you do,

don't bring up Hulu!

Yes, Chef!

Yumyulack, you will learn and perform

an a cappella rendition of the medium-volume,

moderately tempoed Clervixian Planetary Anthem.

♪ On it! ♪

And lastly, Terry, you will go purchase

the mandatory Clervixian dinner helmets.

These guys play it safe as hell at mealtimes.

[claps] I live to shop, and I shop to live!

It is vital we execute these assignments perfectly today,

and that's it.

Thank you for watching. Good night and good luck.

Okay, places. Places.

Look, guys. Tech week was hell, but we made it.

Let's have a great show, people!

[all in unison] Got your back, got your back, got your back.

Terry, help me rearrange the furniture.

We've got too many diagonals in here.

That's the most extra type of angle.

So, I-I didn't wanna say anything in front

of the replicants because they're little bitches,

but are you at all worried that this planet's, like, too perfect?

Are you saying Clervix 3 only appears

to be an ideal home, but it actually has a secret,

evil, science fiction, seedy underbelly that we won't find out about

until it's too late for us to leave?

I didn't know that was a thing, but, yes, that's exactly what I mean.

It is a thing, which I've been watching out for this whole time.

Any seedy underbellies would've surfaced by now.

Clervix 3 is nothing but a nice, non-seedy,

whatever the opposite of an underbelly is.

- Top tummy. - But we haven't even looked around!

How can we be sure something terrible won't be revealed

in, like, 8 to 10 episodes?

Terry! Focus! The dinner helmets must be your number-one priority.

Okay! Okay.

I promise I'm not even gonna think about or mention this again.

Hundred percent there's a seedy underbelly up in this shit.

Stay on task! Do not be extra.

[objects clattering]

[Korvo] Jesus H. Christopher Kattan.

We have so much extra-seeming stuff.

Look at all these souvenir keyrings from our trip to Santa Fe,

these Man in the High Castle Season 2 FYC screeners,

and all of your old baby toys, Pupa!

- [gasps] - [Korvo] Relax!

I don't mean your Melissa and Doug learning pelican.

Wait a sec, is this the Extra Ray?

- Of all the rays to leave lying around? - [ray zaps]

Son of a bitch! We've been Dragon Balled.

Hello! Just walking through. Nothing to see here.

- Kisses. Okay, bye. - Hold it right there.

Is that Tom Colicchio-brand tarragon I smell?

I just wanted to zhuzh up the soup a little

and impress the Supreme Adjudicator.

No! Zhuzhing is Jewish for extra!

Fine. But you know that ever since I got bit by the Ratatouille rat,

I've been cursed to cook with soul.

Oh! Yumyulack, what the hell have you done to yourself?

I'm gonna do a Blue Man Group-inspired performance

of the Clervixian Planetary Anthem.

No, that's too extra. Also, why are you red?

Yeah, since I'm blue already, I went with the

♪ Opposite color on the spectrum Mm! ♪

The Supreme Adjudicator's gonna love it.

No, he won't.

I told you to keep it simple.

Go wash yourself in the basement sink right now.

♪ You don't understand my art ♪

- Ah! - [door slams open]

- Ah! - Great news!

Ha, ha! You got the helmets?

No, silly goose. I got evidence of the seedy underbelly.

- What? - Check it out.

These trees with cameras on them are on every corner, watching our every move.

There is something sick and evil happening on this planet.

They had cameras like this everywhere on Earth,

and you never had a problem with it then.

Well, yeah, but that's because I was complicit

in commodifying my privacy.

This isn't evidence of a seedy underbelly.

It's just for speeding tickets.

Now get me those dinner helmets.

Ugh. Fine, but I'm leaving the camera tree here

because I'm too tired to drag it out.

Knock, knock. Greetings and pleasant rotations, Solars.

Well, if it isn't our next-door neighbors

Blix and Vorgento.

Greetings and pleasant rotations to you both.

What is this "greetings and rotations" horse shit?

It's how you say hi here.

Would it kill you to pay attention?

- Say what? - Please just say hello.

- These guys like you, Terry. - Whatever. Fine.

- How's your rotaysh? - Ho, ho, it's Swizzle.

[both laughing]

Ha. Ha, ha. Yeah, I almost forgot about my awesome nickname.

I never got one of those on stupid old Earth. Pew, pew.

Korvo, we heard the Supreme Adjudicator is coming,

so we thought we'd come lend you our bland, silent support.

We even brought our robo, JK Sevens.

Oh, God, not JK Sevens.

Why does he always have to make such an obnoxious entrance?

Ugh, sorry. We're still training him to not be so extra.

[Korvo] He acts like a character who was added

in the fifth season of a TV show who's very polarizing

but has big merchandising potential.

[JK Sevens beeps]

[TV slams on the floor]

Could you please stop your robot from destroying my house?

Yeah, if we do, he'll just pitch a fit.

We found it best to just let him tire himself out.

[Korvo] He's just being so extra.

I know. Pupa, why not take JK Sevens to your room and show him your lovely

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri Playmobil playset.

No!

I'll let you read more revisionist history

from a leftist perspective.

- [JK Sevens whirring] - [Pupa groans]

- [Pupa grunting] - [JK Sevens clanging]

[Pupa grunts]

[Pupa screams]

- [whirring] - [Pupa] Ugh.

- [Korvo grunting] - [ax thudding]

Ah, thank God I had this sci-fi ax.

[doorbell rings]

Supreme Adjudicator! You're early!

Greetings and pleasant rotations.

I always arrive early so I don't have to stay late.

Yeah, staying late is very extra.

Pleasant rotations, Lord Adjudicator, Your Supremeness, Your--

W-w-what should I call you?

You can call me whatever you want

as long as you don't call me late for dinner.

[Blix and Vorgento laugh]

- He went there! - Supreme Adjudicator for the win!

Yes, well, go-good one, sir.

That is the caliber of joke that is acceptable here on Clervix 3:

Straight down the middle. Not a hint of being extra.

Well, it's nice to have you. I hope we can--

The adjudication now begins.

Your dwelling appears simple and tasteful.

Not extra in the least.

Oh, I'm delighted to hear that.

But not extra delighted.

[loud crash]

What was that "extra-sounding" noise?

Uh, that was a sneeze.

My sneezes sound like lots of pans being dropped,

and I do them with my mouth closed

with no visual indication that it happened.

- [loud bang] - [Jesse] Aw, shit!

Uh, I just remembered I left a spoon in the kitchen.

Stay here and, uh, look through our very basic coffee table book

that's just pages with numbers on them.

Ah, the number eight.

Good old number 37. [chuckles]

733. Now that is a number.

- Jesse! - Yes, Chef.

What the shit's all this?

The Morg Soup is supposed to be two ingredients:

morg and air.

I got a teeny bit carried away

trying to make things perfect.

- Here. You gotta try this. - No!

- Come on! - I said no. No, no, no.

- Korvo, please. Try it! - Nope, I won't.

- Nope, stop it. - Open that yapper and sip this soup.

[spits] Jesse, I-- That is delicious.

Now throw it away and make the flavorless version immediately.

- Yes, Chef! - Stop saying that.

- [oven dings] - What the hell is in the oven?

It's a special appeteaser I made for the Adjudicator

called the "Pop Rocks Cheez-It Bomb."

When you taste it, it's "da bomb." Get it?

To be honest, I don't.

- Just get rid of it now. - [door slams open]

Great news! Your boy got the helmets.

Oh, thank God. Something's going right.

Sorry, left out a word. Your boy don't got the helmets.

But look what I do got.

What in the actual fuck is that?

This is a Clervixian space bison.

And I think it's part of that secret seedy underbelly

we're all fully obsessed with.

There is no underbelly!

This little stinker here has been genetically modified!

Gasp if you must.

- Behind! - Terry!

Someone's putting chemicals in their food

and it's messing with our bodies.

Like, have you felt really horny and really sterile lately?

I know I have.

They genetically modified the cows on earth.

That's not a conspiracy.

It's just the soulless pillage of a living creature's dignity.

I'm seeing all the twisted threads here.

The only part I'm missing is, you know, the bigger thread that connects them.

But I'm close to uncovering it.

B-T dubs, Jess, whatever you're making smells scrumplicious.

Thank you, Chef!

Terry, what you need to uncover is

the fucking dinner helmets!

- The what? - [Korvo] Ugh.

The thing you're supposed to get. The dinner helmets.

First time I'm hearing about it, but I'll look into it.

Dinner hut muts.

- [Korvo grunts] - [cow bell rings]

[Space Bison] Goo!

They say goo instead of moo!

[door slams closed]

[Terry] Oh, this goes all the way to the top.

- [♪ electronic music playing] - Oh, what in the Skrillex?

- [♪ loud electronic music] - [gasps]

Yumyulack, why are you still red? And what is this?

I'm gonna "Reggie Watts" the Planetary Anthem.

["Reggie Watts" loops]

Wow, extra much?

["Extra, much?" loops]

It is extra. What are you doing?

Redefining performance art. The Supreme Adjudicator's gonna love it.

Ahh, no. Out.

["Ahh, no. Out" loops]

- [Yumyulack shrieks] - Where is the Supreme Adjudicator?

[toilet flushes]

Korvo, I commend you on a very not extra bathroom.

The water level was modest, toilet paper acceptable.

Well, if you love the bathroom, you'll, uh, love our pocket dimension.

- No need, I'm sure-- - In you go!

Stop it!

[Pupa] Mine! Mine! [grunts]

- [JK Sevens beeps] - [exasperated groan]

[♪ "Hedwig's Theme" plays on recorder]

[Pupa screeches]

Yumyulack, cut it out!

No!

Everyone's gonna lose it for my tubes.

No! This is beyond extra.

Oh, cheese.

I accidentally triggered the countdown on my Pop Rocks Cheez-It Bomb.

- It's gonna blow! - Are you fucking kidding me?!

[♪ suspenseful slow-motion music]

We just avoided a total disaster.

[Pop Rocks Cheez-It Bomb explodes]

Ah, my head! If only we had our dinner helmets.

[portal opens]

What the...

Seems things took a turn for the extra while I was gone.

My adjudication thingy!

Uh, okay, look, I spent all day pretending

that we're boring and fit in, but the truth is we is extra.

We love this planet, and we want to stay here,

but if you don't think we fit in for who we really are,

we'll find another planet that's not as perfect to call home.

While we Clervixians don't like our citizens being "extra,"

being fake is much, much worse.

Being fake is actually being "extra,"

which you are not.

Does that make sense?

It does not.

Our confusing ways are why we need so many adjudicators.

Anyway, I now declare you and your family

to be permanent residents of Clervix 3.

You may gently celebrate.

- Whoa! - Cool.

- [door slams open] - I found the dinner helmets!

We don't need them anymore. We're official citizens.

Oh, okay. Well, I also found the monster

that's been secretly controlling this whole planet

from a hidden underground lair.

[all gasp]

Unleash me!

Put your hands together for Zazlaz the Mind Freak!

- [electricity zapping] - [Zazlaz groaning]

Terry, you dumbass, this is a Mind Freak!

Right? Wait, you know this guy?

Not personally.

It's an alien race known throughout the galaxy

for their nefarious and diabolical nature.

Their representative on Earth was Criss Angel.

Ha. I told you there was an evil conspiracy.

Zaz, tell him what you told me on the bus ride over.

You-you're gonna love it. He's actually a really good storyteller.

The tale of Zazlaz began four millennia ago.

I was a cocooned hatchling then,

tumbling through the Orion--

[Korvo] Let me stop you right there.

Is the short version that you landed on this planet

and took it over and now you use the tree cameras to spy,

keep the population docile by putting chemicals in the bison,

and insist everything be not extra

because it makes everyone easier to control?

Guilty as charged.

[cackles]

You just forgot one thing.

By revealing me, you must now die.

[Blix/Vorgento/Adjudicator] Hail Zazlaz!

Hail Zazlaz!

[♪ intense music]

[grunting]

[screeches]

- [Zazlaz cackling] - [Korvo/Terry gasp]

I've owned this planet for a hundred years.

Come, my freakies, liberate your master!

Terry, help me barricade the window with the furniture!

But we'll have to put it at a diagonal angle.

Won't that be extra?

Oh, now you care about that shit?

- Yep. - Goddammit, Terry,

this is all your fault.

If you hadn't fixated on digging up a conspiracy,

we'd all be living in blissful ignorance on a perfect planet.

- [glass shatters] - Aah!

It wasn't perfect for me.

Clervix was great for you and the replicants,

but it sucked ass for me.

The lame aliens here never laughed at my clever references to TGIF sitcoms,

and they gave me the worst nickname ever:

Swizzle.

Just because I swizzled my butt a little bit

when I walked around here on my first day,

I get a nickname?

And it was only on account I hadn't done a good job

wiping my human butt after I took a dump.

And guess what? It gets a little itchy around the rim.

If anything, my nickname should be "Itchy Butt."

What are you talking about? I thought you loved that nickname.

I was lying.

I'm just an amazing actor.

Remember I took that YouTube masterclass taught by Scoot McNairy?

Well, he was good on Narcos: Mexico.

I always scolded you for hating on Earth.

If I did it here, I'd be a hypocrite.

Oh, Terry, you beautiful idiot. I love when you're a hypocrite.

- You do? - Your lack of principles

is part of what keeps the flame burning.

[Korvo and Terry kiss]

Uh, guys, can you wrap up your emotional beat

and help us out over here?

Say the word and I'll pipe this meat sack.

If I die, my control is broken.

This entire planet will descend into chaos.

Descend my ass, you shaved bear-lookin' bitch.

Okay, then let's make a deal.

We're listening.

If you let me go back to secretly running this planet,

then all of you will live like kings.

I promise to never freak your minds.

I may rock your bodies, but I will steer clear of the minds.

Uh, that was a good offer. Do we stay?

I mean, I do like living on this planet.

With my sexy voice, I'm like the Rosie Perez of Clervix.

♪ I like it too ♪

Oh, my God, Yumyulack, enough with the singing.

You're not Pink. How about it, Terald?

Wanna be a king?

Um, well, if that's what everyone else wants,

I'll stay.

We'll accept on one small condition,

no one can call Terry "Swizzle" anymore.

Sorry. Diminutive nicknames are a part of my grand design.

Consider it a small price to pay to live in paradise.

Plus, look at him.

He's all swizzle and no stick.

- It's okay. It's fine. I'm fine. - No deal!

You're throwing away paradise for a nickname?

No, because if my Tear-bear isn't happy,

then it isn't a paradise.

That is the stupidest shit I have ever heard.

My horde, attack!

- [door slams open] - [Solars gasp]

You know what, Zaz?

You forbid anyone to be extra,

but you're the most extra of anyone here.

In fact, you're cringe as fuck.

- [Extra Ray zaps] - No!

I'm turning whatever the opposite

of extra is!

[Yumyulack] Well, would you look at that?

A basic-ass fiddle-leaf fig.

- Brutal! - Let's haul ass before someone kills us.

My mind, it isn't being freaked anymore.

I can be an asshole now.

[Clervixians clamoring]

Damn. The planet went to total shit really fast.

Like every episode after the pilot of Glee fast.

That is fast!

Well, now we need to find a new place to live.

AISHA, survey the sector for habitable worlds.

One without vampires.

[AISHA] Okay, we got two options:

a previously unknown utopia planet full of sexy,

Na'vi-like creatures.

- Or Earth. - Can't do Earth.

Too many of my exes live there.

And it's clearly on the precipice of climate

and societal collapse.

Sounds like we're going with the utopian option, then.

Everyone, lotion up those neural tendrils.

[AISHA] Sounds good to me.

At least on this planet, there won't be nonstop ads

for Jurassic Park 7: Oviraptor's Day Off.

Wait, there's another JP coming out?

[AISHA] Mm-hmm! But don't worry.

I know a digital projector at CAA who said it sucks.

I thought Jurassic Park Dominion finished

the original six-movie arc that Spielberg had always intended.

That means that this one will be starting

a whole new adventure 65 million years in the making!

[AISHA] Guys, come on.

No spoilers, but this one tries to be a comedy, and it doesn't work.

Please, let's go to the nicer planet.

Then it's settled. The Solar Opposites are going back to Earth

and renewing their AMC Stubs memberships.

[buckle clicks]

[spaceship whooshing]

You know, I'm gonna miss Clervix 3.

All my favorite restaurants were there,

plus I probably could've gotten used to that nickname.

Shut the fuck up, Terry. I swear to God.

- Call me Swizzle. - No.

- Please? - No!

- Terry! - You have zero principles!

Such a hypocrite.

But I just got used to Swizzle right now. I'm sorry!

People can change!

You gotta give it time for a nickname to grow on you.

How else am I gonna immediately explain that I have a itchy butthole to people

if I don't have Swizzle as my nickname?

[JK Sevens beeping]

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]

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