Original subtitles

And action.

Ladies and gentlemen, young and old...

this may seem an unusual procedure...

speaking to you before the picture begins...

but we have an unusual subject.

Turn.

When I say that this is the most important motion picture you will ever attend...

my motivation is not financial gain...

but a firm belief that the delicate fabric that holds all of us together...

will be ripped apart unless every man, woman and child in this country...

sees this film and pays full ticket price...

not some bargain matinee, cut-rate deal.

Turn.

In the event that you find certain sequences or ideas confusing...

please bear in mind that this is your fault, not ours.

You will need to see the picture again and again until you understand everything.

Turn.

In closing, I want to assure you...

that no expense was incurred...

bringing this motion picture to your theater.

And now, filmed in its entirety...

and proven to heal minor cuts and abrasions...

we proudly present Schizopolis.!

His best-seller, Here I Am Now...

helped you find yourself.

His groundbreaking sequel, How To Control Your Own Mind...

taught you how to think.

Now T.Azimuth Schwitters, author of the earth-shattering manifesto Eventualism...

and the world's most influential thinker...

is appearing in person February 11...

at the Civic Sports Memorial Performing Arts Theatre Dome.

Tickets on sale wherever tickets are sold.

All my anxieties subsided.

My life before was full of rituals and habits.

There was a time when, for instance, I was brushing my teeth...

every 15 minutes because I couldn't remember...

- Really? - if I had just brushed them.

And, in fact, I almost lost all my teeth.

- But you don't do that now? - No, no. Not anymore.

I see. Um, that's great.

- So, you felt relief? Uh, you feel free? - Yes,yes.

Any other words you'd use to describe how you feel now?

Uh, I feel in control.

I feel... much happier than I've ever been.

There's just one more thing I need to ask you...

- and then I'll, uh, be out of your hair. - Sure.

Uh, are you currently taking any sort of medication?

Oh, no. No.

- No? Really? Okay. - No. Really.

- Yeah? - Your brother on two.

Oh, fuck! Okay.

- Stop it. - Have you thought about it?

I don't have to think about it.

How long before they figure out you don't have a brother?

First, I am born. Then the trouble begins.

At age five, I fantasize that I'm an orphan...

by trying to lose my parents at a Fourth ofJuly celebration.

They find me.

At age nine, I have an out-of-body experience...

while playing right field.

Three runs score.

At age 15, I'm seized by an acute sensation...

that something terrible will happen to me.

#Inside out in his ear #

# Upside down in his ear #

# Over and over your head #

# Over and over your head #

# Open your mind to it Close your behind to it #

# Changing your mind to it #

#Kiss it #

#Are you gonna get with it #

#Are you gonna get with it #

- #Are you gon--## - I don't usually do these sorts of things--

- um, interviews. - All right.

- Is this being filmed or taped? - It's filmed.

Sir? Sir, are you okay?

Well, we have a myocardial infarction...

of the interior wall of the left ventricle...

Sir? Sir? Can you hear me?

secondary to a thrombosis occlusion...

of the interior descending branch of the left coronary artery.

Um, we should press on his chest.

Probably both were caused by a fat-laden diet and sedentary lifestyle...

- Maybe you should just go call an ambulance. - Yeah, okay.

which, when combined with a stressful work environment...

leads to a myocardial infarction...

of the interior wall of the left ventricle.

- Right, right. - Yeah.

And I'm feeling really awful to begin with...

even before that horrible thing happened.

And so when things got really terrible, l--

wondering how much more depressing this can be...

and I saw this sad show about an unhappy couple.

Look, uh-- I'm sorry.

I'm right-- I've got to do this thing.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, no, it's just--

No, I know I'm just this sad, gloomy...

- wretched depressed guy. - No.

- And it's-- No, I know. - No, it's--

No, if we can just do this another time.

- Okay. My stomach's kind of hurting me anyway. - Okay.

Dark circles under the eyes. Ambulatory discontent.

Tendency to watch the Spice Channel.

Combined with a fat-laden diet and sedentary lifestyle...

could result in fatigue, psychoneurotic disorder...

hyperparasympathetic echo effect, dark circles under the eyes.

- Oh, hey. How's it goin'?

- Oh, not good. - Okay. I'll see ya.

Fletch.

- Hey. - Did you hear about Lester?

- Wh-What? - Heart attack. This morning.

- You're kidding. - Yeah,just dropped dead.

- My God. Well, did somebody call Shelly? - Yeah.

They called her from the hospital.

I mean, you could see it comin'.

- What do you mean? - Well, the guy ate like hell...

had chronic insomnia.

- We can pray, but you don't really have-- - His blood pressure...

was way high...

and I think he had some symptoms of diabetes too.

- Wh-What are those? - Sneakin'candy bars.

Swollen ankles.

Constantly running to the bathroom...

to, uh, urinate.

Hmm.

- Oh, and you know how Lester didn't write anything down. - Right.

Well, now they're looking for a speech...

and it's in his head, and he's dead.

-Hmm. -Oh, but what I really came here to tell you is...

I placed another order.

- So... you'll be getting another shipment. - Oh.

- Oh, okay. - So, if you could keep--

- I'll keep an eye out. Yeah. All right. - Thank you so much.

- Take it easy. Don't work too hard. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Your uncle on four.

My uncle. All right.

Goddamn it.

- What? Hello. - Fifty grand.

And that's our opening offer. You could probably talk us up.

What? Why don't you guys leave me alone?

We could do that. Of course, then we'd just have to call somebody else.

Often, a person of this, uh-- a person of this type imagines himself...

the subject of a-- of a detailed biography.

He's incapable of experiencing any emotion...

or event, no matter how trivial...

- You didn't mark it. - Yeah?

no matter how insignificant--

A person is often incapable of experiencing any event or emotion...

no matter how insignificant...

without imagining it set in type and scrutinized by the public.

Arsenal. Nose army.

Um, nose army.

Uh, beef diaper?

Nomenclature.

- I like him. - Very much.

Throbbing dust generation.

- Drum tissue outburst. -Jigsaw.

Uh, fragment chief butter. King surgery mind?

Moneybucket.

Precision galley sponge.

Smell sign.

Let's take a moment and talk about Azimuth Schwitters.

What is your opinion of Schwitters and the organization?

Oh, that Azimuth Schwitters...

he's the worst kind of charlatan...

and raconteur you can imagine.

He's built a multimillion-dollar empire...

out of dupin' the American public...

with this scheme--

movement--and it's nothing more than a series of rambling...

solipsistic musings about relieving oneself...

of all sense of personal responsibility...

and responsibility to the community too.

And worse than that, we have information from inside sources...

that he's beginning to get a little off in the head...

and his business manager's having to run everything for him.

I've devoted myself to exposing this leader for the fraud that he is, and--

- Are you all right? - My-- My tooth.

- Can we do this again? - Yeah, let's do it-- let's do it again.

Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady?

Ow!

Oh,yes!

Oh!

How long is this gonna take? You've been through all six floors.

- He has 11 cars. - Eleven?

He doesn't have 11 cars. Ask him. We've been to his house.

- What were you doing at his house? - Washing cars.

May I finish?

- So I was speaking with this guy from Statistics... - I don't drink coffee.

- No, these are for me. - who says, uh, we have a mole...

in here somewhere, or something.

- What do you mean, "a mole"? - Who's got a mole?

No, a mole is a spy.

Apparently there's a guy in Creative who's leaking information--

- Who? - A guy.

Leaking information to Thaddeus Tribby.

Now... this guy tells me...

the Right-Hand Man has got himself a mole.

- A spy and a mole? - No, I didn't say that.

I said there's a guy leaking inf--

You said there's a guy leaking information to Tribby.

- Correct. - That's the spy.

Then you said the Right-Hand Man got himself a mole...

I would assume to check on the spy.

- That's two people. - Okay, there's a spy, and there's a mole.

That's twice as many as a minute ago.

Everybody I know has been here at least three years.

- How long have you been here? - Long enough.

I say the guy that told you is the mole.

No, that's impossible. He's been here seven years.

I've worked with this guy since the mail room.

- You're the mole. - No, no, no. He's the spy.

- No, he's the spy. - If I were the spy...

would I be standing here saying there's a spy?

- Maybe. - And a mole?

- It's good cover. - Right. Forget it.

I am not the source on this, and I'm serious.

Okay, it's clear! You can get back to work!

Hoodwink scatter bark?

Hasty land mine?

Ambassador jumpsuit land mine.

Munson!

I don't need to tell you how critical this is.

Hometown. Pay-per-view. The eyes of the media. Here's what I need.

It should be lengthy enough to... seem substantial...

yet concise enough to feel breezy.

It should be serious...

but with a slight wink.

It should lay out a new course of action...

but one that can change direction at any moment.

If you must mention facts and figures, don't do so directly.

The general thrust...

should remain embedded in one's mind forever...

but specific words should be forgotten the moment they are heard.

It should contain nothing that can't be confirmed or denied.

It should be on my desk Friday morning.

- Is there something you want me-- - Lester Richards...

has fucked me...

has fucked Mr. Schwitters...

and has fucked the entire corporation.

You're writing the speech!

- I can't. - Are you telling me that you can't...

take a substantial raise or that huge new office?

Is that what you're telling me?

- Friday? - 10:00 a.m.

I'll just--

About your promotion, l-I just wanted to let you know...

that even though you've been promoted...

ahead of a lot of other people that have been here a lot longer than you...

that, uh, nobody seems to resent you.

That I've talked to... recently.

So, congratulations.

Thanks. Thanks.

- Hello. - Hello.

- How are you? - Fine.

Is your wife coming over tonight?

'Cause her big ass always leaves me satisfied.

Nice of you to mention her. She enjoys sex with you much more than she does with me.

I'm sure she says that to all the men in the neighborhood.

You may be right about that one.

- I'll see ya later. - Okay.

Generic greeting.

- Generic greeting returned. - Mmm.

Mm-wah. Mm-wah.

- Imminent sustenance. - Overly dramatic statement...

regarding upcoming meal.

Ooh. False reaction indicating hunger and excitement.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- Frog level. Elmo. - Elmo.

- Nose army. - Nose army.

Green Bay shuffleboard?

Sanity wedlock. Sodium bypass.

Wigwam. Uh, gypsy land mine?

Calculator revised land mine?

Zygote! Cheap rebound?

Zygote.

Teahouse grain structure. Uh, mellow rhubarb turbine?

Culture turbine.

-Jigsaw. Smell sign. -Jigsaw.

Smell sign.

Yow!

That's right.

- Put this bear wearing a hat. - Obligation.

- The bear wears the hat. - Greeting.

Response indicating caller mistake.

- Mistake. - I don't know.

Semi-innocent query.

Convincingly confused.

Yeah. See, now the bear-- the bear goes into the box.

And so, at this point...

we see him exhibiting diagonal characteristics...

as opposed to horizontal characteristics.

What does that mean?

Haven't you read my manual?

Eventualism is not a cause...

a course, a fashion, or a religion.

Eventualism is a state of mind.

Time and again we see the reliance on a proven methodology--

a methodology separate from human experience...

built upon figures, not feelings...

which encourages our dependence on the empirical world...

a world with no room for ground-rule doubles.

Damn it!

Imminent departure. Return as discussed.

- Acknowledged. - Uh, location of offspring.

Acknowledged.

- Secretary blindfold? - Mmm.

Whale blanket.

- Scratch pad horoscope. - Hmm.

Chew bone. Rubber belly flesh frame.

Flesh frame jigsaw. Sneeze?

Sneeze.

Generic greeting.

Generic greeting. Obligatory question about the evening's activities.

Oh, qualified, vaguely positive reply.

Uninspired description of movie and subsequent conversation with girlfriend.

Ooh, really well-rehearsed speech about workload and stress.

Genuine sorrow.

Um, truthful-sounding promises of future satisfaction?

Enticement to agree?

- Accepted. - Gratitude.

I'm just going to make this brief statement...

on behalf of A.R.H.A.D.L.

The spreading of these erroneous and offensive descriptions has gone on for decades...

and we find ourselves once again...

having to make a public statement.

Racehorses do not urinate more frequently...

or at greater length than non-racing horses...

or, for that matter, any mammal of comparable size.

This organized, publicly-sanctioned slander must stop.

Lester Richards is dead...

and aren't you glad it wasn't you?

Don't you wish you felt something?

How many men here are attracted to Shelly, his--his lovely wife?

She's a babe.

And how many women here wish that their husbands would drop dead...

and leave them a big, fat insurance policy?

Yes, I thought so.

Hell, it'll be years before you figure out what Lester's death really means.

So let's forget the blah-blah-blah and go have a drink. Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

- Eccentric money. - Mmm, nose army.

Pacifist cottage.

- Belgian disregard? - Aw, genius kidney.

Dine, dining, death rattle, monkey callousness.

Adirondack. Smell sign.

Smell sign.

- Now? - No. Not now.

- But soon. - Yeah, soon.

Everybody thinks I'm the mole. E-Everybody.

And those people that don't think I'm the mole, they think I'm the spy.

I gotta find out who it really is so people will stop thinking that.

Listen. I think this whole spy/mole thing...

is just a creation of the Right-Hand Man...

to keep everybody paranoid and scared.

I'm scared, but that's terrible, because that's exactly how the mole would act...

if he was trying to not be the mole, you know?

l-I do-- I don't know what to tell you.

Well, I wish you would tell me something, because you are the only person I trust.

Although, I don't believe a word you say.

Yesterday, you said, "Appearances."

I thought you said, "A fear is this."

Weird.

"A fear is this."

Hey, hey. No, don't do that.

I mean, they won't let you, but you shouldn't do that.

I forget. These new rules.

- How's, um-- How's Diane? - Terrible.

She's getting thinner every day.

I mean, I really think the woman has betrayed me...

because when I married her nine months ago, she was fat as a house.

- She was big. Big. Yeah. - Huge. She was big.

Nice. And now, nine months later...

she's skinny and getting skinnier.

I should have known. They say...

- Her mom's thin. Yeah, right. - "Look at the mother. "

- I looked at the father. - Yeah, 'cause her dad's big.

Right. I looked at him, and I thought--

But no, the mother and her, they just sit all day...

- eating nothing on purpose-- - Munson?

- Munson! - I'm-- I'm--

I'm formatting right now. It's formatting.

Shit. Can you see this isn't on?

Hi.

- Hi. - I want to drop these off.

- Okay. - Uh, when do you think they'll be ready?

- Uh, 3:00. - Oh, great.

Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady? Ow!

Nose army.

Nose army!

Vienna dog. Cologne.

Dog cologne land mine.

Jigsaw.

# Wanna be at home in the morning #

# Wanna be alone when I'm snoring #

#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack and paddywhack and don't look back #

#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #

#Skiddle la-la-dee Doo doo la-la-lee-a #

#Skiddle la-la-dee Doo doo la-la-lee-a #

#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack and paddywhack and don't look back #

#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #

#Lookin'in, lookin'out It's so hard to see #

#Leaking in, leaking out Gonna be your baby when you say you drive me crazy #

#And I wanna be at home in the morning #

# Wanna be alone when I'm snoring #

#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack and paddywhack and don't look back #

#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #

#Diddy-daddy wallaloo ##

Ooh!

Excuse me, Mr. Oxygen.

- Hi. - Hi. Oh, you two guys are from the--

- How are you? - Can we have a word with you?

- Sure, sure. - We can't help but notice that you're a fascinating character.

- Very compelling. - More fascinating than the things you're being given to do.

- Spraying houses. - Taking pictures of yourself.

- Driving around. - We think you're in need of another venue.

- In which you are the main attraction. - And paid accordingly.

Oh, oh, you see, well, we haven't done...

the bulk of my stuff yet, and we're gonna do that next week.

- Uh-huh. Why don't you know what you'll be doing exactly? - Right.

- If you're such an integral part. - What guarantee do you have?

Oh, these guys are my friends. I've worked with them before.

This is not our first project, and they told me...

so l-- I trust what they tell me.

- Trust. - Friends. Hmm.

What are you-- What are you offering?

- A vehicle. - A showcase.

A shortcut.

Okay. Okay, okay, I'm in.

Fuck you guys!

No more of this mayonnaise, this shit!

I'm outta here! Fuck you.

Anything that can be imagined is legitimate.

Any action that is contemplated can be taken.

Eventualism isn't designed to answer all questions.

It's designed to question all answers.

It's not about healing pain.

It's about the pain of healing.

It's not about the struggle of-- Your car dealer on line one.

My car--

Listen. This is the last time I'm taking one of these calls. Do you understand me?

- It's the right thing to do. - No, it's not the right thing to do. It's a betrayal.

You're right. And 50 is an insult.

You wouldn't be comfortable with anything less than a hundred.

They're tracing the calls here because of the bomb threats...

although you probably know that because you're probably making the bomb threats.

- We don't need bombs. We've got you. - You don't have me.

Munson? Munson!

Uh, uh, proofing. Proofing. Right now.

- It's Rudolph Alan. - What? What? What?

- He hit me. - Unprovoked? He hit you. For no reason, he hit you.

I said that I knew he'd been telling people I was the mole, and he hit me!

He's a hothead. He hits everybody.

Which is why he's a stupid choice for a spy or a mole. He can't control himself.

Which is the perfect cover.

That way he's so obvious about being a spy...

that way no one knows he's the actual spy.

All right. All right.

What if the person who is the mole...

is so good at being the mole...

that the Right-Hand Man picks him to be the spy?

Wow. That's perfect. That way he could manipulate his own investigation.

Right.Just like in No Way Out.

I gotta think about that.

I just have a sore spot.

- Oh, you got a problem with your teeth? - Mm-hmm.

- I have just the guy. - Really?

Yeah. He does bleaching, he does bonding, he does scraping.

He does filing. I go to him twice a week.

- It's not bad. - And he's cheap. And he speaks Italian.

- You speak Italian, don't you? - No.

Oh, well, anyway, he's fabulous.

- This is like,just a loose cap. - I mean, look at my teeth.

- Look. Look. - They're gorgeous.

- They're beautiful. - Mm-hmm. I know.

Yeah, he does the lady on Channel 9. You know, the one with the big teeth?

- Wow. What's his name? - Yeah.

Dr. Korchek.

- Dr. Korchek. - Yeah. Oh.

And if you ever have a problem with bugs...

I have just the guy.

Bugs.

The fallacy that work under pressure...

results in a direct pipeline to creative genius...

uh, that divine inspiration...

can be conjured by...

well, anything but the most, uh...

mind-bending concentration...

now, this is the world of the poseur--

the, uh, pretender, the fraud.

Th-- This is the worst piece of shit I've ever read.

No, really. The worst!

What have you been doin', Munson? Jackin' off all day?

Why did you give me this?

- You said you wanted to see a draft. - You're absolutely right.

I said I wanted to see a draft.

I didn't want to see a misdirected, panic-induced...

cretinous little piece of shit.

Maybe if I were able to talk to Mr. Schwitters, I could--

You don't need to talk to Mr. Schwitters.

He told me personally through his assistant that I am to handle this.

Is there any way we could adjust the deadline?

- What's the deadline? - Friday.

Okay, now it's Thursday.

What's that moron? The one that used to work in your section.

The one who wore the brown shirt all the time.

- Oh, Nameless Numberheadman? - Yeah. Send him in.

- Here you go. - Thanks. Uh, did they all come out okay?

Yeah. Yeah, they came out. Okay?

Great.

He said it was 'cause I wasn't getting any work done, but that is not true.

And I know it's 'cause Nick and Ellen and all those guys...

told him I was the mole.

Listen to me.

Listen to me. The--

There is no mole. Okay?

- How do you know? - Because I've been getting calls for weeks...

from some guy offering me money for information.

If they had somebody inside, they would not be calling me on the phone offering money.

It doesn't make sense.

But maybe the calls are coming from the spy...

trying to trick you into becoming a mole.

I'm-- I'm not gonna miss you.

Oh, call me when that package shows up.

- Oh, okay. - Do you have any money?

- #Ba-boo # - # Oh, my darling #

# On my soul #

So... I walk right into his office.

I said, "Right-Hand Man...

"Lester's dead. He's gonna be dead a long time.

"When are you gonna put me in my rightful position in his office...

where I belong?"

Did you want some of these? 'Cause-- You sure?

He had no expression on his face at all.

He said nothing except, "Let me think about it."

I said, "Think about it?

Why don't you think about this? I quit!"

I said that. I said the words, "I quit."

I never felt so light in all my-- You sure you don't want any of these?

Did you eat anything today at all besides yogurt?

So, lightly, feelin' great, like a new man...

I walk out, and it comes crashing down on me...

"Oh, my God. Ten years down the drain."

I drive home, sink in my chair, and...

I'm not ashamed to say l-I cried.

But it's better this way, right? It's better.

I don't want to end up like Lester.

You don't want me to end up-- Lester's dead!

No one wants to be like Lester. Not even Lester.

I got it. It's probably them.

Eat, please.

Hello.

Uh,yeah, this is he.

Um, yes.

Uh, yeah. l-I guess so. Um--

Yeah, I'll, uh, be home the rest of the evening.

If you want. Sure. You're welcome to come by anytime.

Maybe till, uh-- Well, l-I sleep here.

I'll be here all night.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Oh, wow!

Munson!

Polishing. Polishing.

- Yes. - Okay, I'm in.

Sorry. We got somebody else.

Wha--

Explorations one through six.

One: Enormous expansion.

Two: The absolute and essential role.

Three: Public perception of reality.

Four: Transcendent idea of reality.

Five: The collective unconscious.

Six: Long overdue recognition of our own significance.

Explorations one through six.

One: Enormous expansion.

Two: The absolute and essential role.

Mr. Nameless Numberheadman?

- Yes, that's me. - We spoke on the phone.

I have some documents for you to sign.

Please. Come in.

Thank you.

I brought over some documents for you to sign.

And the first one here that you're gonna sign...

is telling us that you're giving us this information exclusively.

And then the one underneath is so that you can get your check.

If you'd sign here, please.

Has ever-- anyone ever told you...

that you're incredibly attractive?

Excuse me?

Don't make me say it again.

- Hello. - Hi, it's me.

I told him I'm gonna go to a movie with Judy.

So I'll be there at about a quarter to 8:00.

Uh, okay.

Oh, my God.

I'm having an affair with my wife.

So, what is Fletcher working on now?

Uh, some speech for Azimuth Schwitters.

Oh, is this the one on the 11 th?

Mm-hmm.

And you said he's having a hard time?

Uh, I don't know. It's-- I guess so.

He comes in every night with this, uh...

"Honey, I'm home" face.

And he pretends to like my cooking...

which I know I'm a shitty cook.

So, after supper, I try to get him to talk, and...

he's so preoccupied that he doesn't hear what I say.

So he doesn't want to talk.

He doesn't wanna fuck.

So I come here.

Hmm.

I better go. Oh.

We never watched this.

Well, bring it next time, and we'll look at it.

Wh-Why don't you leave?

I'd like to get dressed first.

No. I mean, why don't you leave him?

Oh. Oh. Uh, okay. Then what?

Well, then we could--

- I mean, I could-- - Listen to you.

- Like you know what you want? - Well, I know I want you.

I have all this money put away that's just sitting there.

Will you think about it?

Okay. I'll think about it.

So, are you going to Madam Rosa's tomorrow?

I said I would.

You say a lot of things.

Bye.

We interrupt this program to bring you a news bulletin.

Scientists at NASA have confirmed that the comet Havarti is on course toward Earth.

The odds of the comet colliding directly with our planet are being calculated at this moment.

In a related story, the price of capturing, restraining...

and institutionalizing a naked man in a T-shirt...

remains stable at around $367.50.

Is that good?

This is very interesting.

- What do you see? - I see major changes.

- Major changes. - Really?

Yes. This is-- This is-- This is quite dramatic.

You're going to be experiencing major changes.

- They involve a woman. - Really.

- Yes. I see a woman-- - But it's not my mother.

No, it's not your mother. It's-- It's-- It's gonna be happening soon.

It's-- It's something-- Well, it will require a move.

It will require...

drastic changes in your life.

Wow. Um, any idea of a time frame?

- No. - A week? Tonight?

- Uh, it will be soon. - Soon?

But this is-- This is a woman you don't know.

- You haven't met her yet. - Oh. Wow.

This is big. This is going to be a big transformation in your life.

- Morning, Rene. - Good morning.

- How are you? - I'm fine. How are you?

Good. Uh, how's it looking today?

It's pretty busy today.

- Really. Uh, - Yes.

why don't you give me about 10 minutes, and then send the first patient in.

- Okay. - Great.

All right. Now, you see this, uh, shadow here, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay. That's our culprit.

To fix that will be a three-stage process.

Do you think you can make that sort of commitment?

- Oh, yes. - Great.

You don't have to floss all your teeth.

Just the ones you want to keep.

Bob, that's a really kind offer. It really is.

But I'm just dug in deep here. I'm afraid Florida would really be a shock...

although everybody I've talked to just says great things about Tampa.

Remember, be true to your teeth...

and they won't be false to you.

Carol, it's Dr. Korchek. Is Greg in?

No, he's not, Dr. Korchek. Can I have him get back to you?

Yes. Uh, tell him to call me at my office.

What time are you expecting him?

I'm not sure. He hasn't called in today, uh, to check his messages.

- All righty. Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

I may vote Republican, but I'm a firm believer in gum control.

Do you have time to squeeze someone in at 5:00?

She was recommended by a patient, and she's in some pain.

Um, okay.

And Mr. Martinez is here.

I'll be right out.

Mr. Martinez.

- How are you? Yeah. - Hey, Doc.

- Got terrible tooth. - Oh, okay.

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you schedule some time with Rene.

If anything has changed since I saw you this morning...

- we'll take care of it, okay? - Thanks, Doc.

All righty.

Hi, how are you? Dr. Korchek.

Um, I think we're gonna be able to-- to squeeze you... in.

And, um, uh, if you'll just fill out one of the insurance questionnaires--

the name and address and, uh, uh, phone number...

then we'll-- we'll get right to work.

- Thank you. - Okay. Terrific.

All right. I, um--

I think I see what your problem is...

- and I think I can help you. - Good.

It may involve me seeing you more than once.

- That's fine. - Okay.

Then we'll get started.

Okay.

Here's my card. There's a number there.

Uh, you can reach me after hours in the evening...

just in case there's an emergency recurrence, anything like that.

- This says Jiffy Massage. - Oh. I was holding that for Rene.

Um, if there's a problem, contact me.

Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Dear Attractive Woman #2:

Only once in my life have I responded to another person...

the way I've responded to you.

But I've forgotten when it was, or even if it was in fact me that responded.

I may not know much, but I know that the wind sings your name endlessly...

although with a slight lisp that makes it difficult to understand...

if I'm standing near an air conditioner.

I know that your hair sits atop of your head as though...

it could sit nowhere else.

I know that your figure would make a sculptor cast aside his tools...

injuring his assistant who was looking out the window instead of paying attention.

I know that your lips are as full as that sexy French model's...

that I desperately want to fuck.

I know that if I could for an instant have you lie next to me...

or on top of me, or sit on me, or stand over me and shake...

then I would be the happiest man in my pants.

I know all of this, and yet you do not know me.

Change your life. Accept my love.

Or at least let me pay you to accept it.

Sincerely, Dr.Jeffrey Korchek.

No! Stop it!

How's that? Is that-- Is that good?

Is that all right? Shut up! Is that all right? Is that good?

For two months.

- Two months she's been on me. - Right.

I miss you. I want to kiss you. Come down and--you know.

- Right. - I get down there...

- last night at midnight, there's somebody else there. - Oh.

And the fucking bus is gone.

- I gotta wait till 5:00 in the morning for the next bus. - Right.

Anyway. It'll just be for a few days, man.

I can't. I just can't do it.

I can't. And I gotta tell you, you know, this whole drug thing, uh--

I'm a doctor. I can get you drugs.

You shouldn't be hanging out with these-- these thugs, these criminals.

- You can come to me. - Heroin?

No. Heroin l-- I can't get. But Darvocet I can get in enormous quantities.

Darvocet? What do I look like, a housewife?

Well, consider it a standing offer.

Just be for a few days. Come on.

I can't. l-- l-- I'm repainting the-- the house now.

It's just-- It's a terrible time.

It's perfect.

For 10,000 bucks, I'll paint the house.

That's-- That's an outrageous figure. You know that.

For painting a house.

But I'll-- I'll get this. Don't worry about this. This is on me. Okay?

And then another funny thing happened, followed by two things...

that were pretty amusing.

And the whole thing ended with something that was just hysterical.

Hello?

- I did it. - You did what?

I thought about what you said, and I left him.

That's great.

Tsk. Oh, honey.

Oh, that's great.

- Um, before you do that, - Mm-hmm?

I need to tell you something.

- What? - Um...

- today at work, - Mm-hmm.

l-- I met this person.

- "This person"? - Yeah.

Is it a male or female?

- It was a woman person. - Uh-huh.

And, um, something happened.

- What happened? - Well, something happened for me.

I don't think that anything happened for her necessarily...

but something happened for me-- this feeling.

- Mm-hmm. - Like this kind of falling for someone feeling.

Falling like you fell for me feeling?

Well...

with us it was more, I think, of an incline than a fall.

It wasn't like-- You know what I mean?

- So-- - The result was the same, but it wasn't a fall.

It was a slide.

But this was a fall, I think.

So?

So, I thought I should say something about it before--

- "Before." - You know.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Are you-- Are you leaving?

Don't talk to me, you worm.

There was a time--

There was a time when I felt like an old rag...

with a stain that you couldn't get out.

And you were like--

You were like a piece of rotting fruit on a windowsill.

And it was great.

You worm!

The federal government announced today that, in an effort to eradicate the national debt...

it will be selling the state of Rhode Island to a group of private investors...

for a reported $18 billion.

The investors plan to enclose the entire state with an all-weather roof...

and turn it into the world's largest shopping mall.

When asked for comment, a White House spokesperson would only say...

"Well, at least we didn't sell it to the fucking Japanese."

- Your brother. - You're-- You're looking for my brother?

I don't know where he is. He wanted to stay with me, but l--

Eight hours, your brother, $15,000.

$15,000, my brother, eight hours?

- Well, but if-- - Your brother...

- $ 15,000, eight hours. - Okay, but if I can't find my brother...

um, can I give you the $15,000?

Do you still need my brother, or--

Eight hours, your brother, $15,000.

- All three of those things. - Correct.

- All three. Um-- - Correct. Correct.

The keys? You're gonna take the car?

- The tape. - You want the tape?

- The tape. - The tape.

- Eight hours. - Okay. You've got a little tartar buildup there.

You may wanna--

You wanna see aggression? You wanna see vitality?

You wanna see me, son of a bitch.

Look at this. Fuckin' total disregard. Fuckin' total disregard.

Federal government. Stinkin' fucks!

Hey, what the hell you doin'?

Hey! Hey! Hey! W-Wait! Wait!

Hey, hey! Come on! Come on! What are you doin'?

What are you doin'? The son of a bitch is after me. Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey! Get him off of me!

Okay, Mr. Tribby.

I'm gonna recommend that you come in every four months instead of every six...

because you tend to build up calculus at a slightly accelerated rate.

- Okay. - Okay?

You going to the big event on Friday?

I wouldn't put money in his pocket.

- Oh? - I don't need to.

Got myself a defector.

Classic disgruntled employee.

- I see. - He's gonna provide all the information we need.

-Any messages for me? -You do have one urgent message.

- From? - Your brother.

Oh, he-- he seems really happy, you know.

He actually enjoys going to work in the morning.

And what is it, uh, exactly that he's doing?

I don't know. He's getting paid as some sort of...

consultant or something.

I see.

Oh, um, did you get a call from an Attractive Woman #2?

l-- I told her to come see you.

- Yes. She did come see me. - Hmm.

So, do you think you can help her?

Yes, I do think I can help her.

Is it about the money?

Elmo Oxygen is not about... money.

What is it then?

Elmo is not feeling...

fulfilled.

There's a spiritual... element...

missing.

- "A spiritual element--" - "Missing."

Elmo needs his other side to speak.

His tender side.

His...

feminine side.

- Uh-- When you say this other side... - This tender, feminine side.

must speak, do you mean literally speak?

Say dialogue?

Language does not always require speech.

We're a little confused.

Actually more than a little.

All right. If metaphors are too complicated for you, let me explain it.

I want you to get me that little P.A.-- the one that wears black and the clogs.

I would like to fuck her, please.

And I want you two guys to write us a scene.

Now, what is so confusing about that? I don't understand.

- Of course. - This is fine, Elmo. We want you to be happy.

- I don't mean to be difficult. - Oh, you don't know difficult.

- Is there anything else we can do? - How about a bowl of fruit?

- Yeah. - Fruit would be good. Yeah.

- Good, good. Okay. Um, anything else? -Just name it.

Elmo is tired now.

I'm... glad you feel that way. That's the way I feel too.

Have you thought about how you f-- No.

Can I tell you how I feel?

- Is there something that--

- Yeah. - There's a registered letter here you have to sign for.

- A what? - A registered letter.

Okay. Thanks.

- From the office ofTunnel-- - Fennel--

- And Funnel. - We represent the interests of Attractive Woman #2.

- Oh, no. - Who received from you...

on 10 February 1995, a letter--

The full content of which is reproduced below for your benefit.

- Oh, my God. - Which is so explicit in nature--

- And intent-- - That we will pursue a case of sexual harassment against you.

- Oh, shit. - We draw your attention...

to underlined sections one through four.

- This is bad. - "That sexy French model that I desperately want to fuck."

"Have you lie next to me, or... on top of me."

- "Or sit on me." - "Or stand over me and shake."

Oh, my God.

- David Stanley on two. - Ah.

- David. - Dr. Korchek, how are you?

Uh, wonderful. Where's Greg?

Greg? Greg has disappeared.

Uh, I'm getting that feeling, but I'm-- What I want to know is--

I mean he's disappeared on purpose...

with all of your money-- with all of our money.

He's cleaned us out, and, uh, we don't know where he is.

Um--

And?

Well, obviously we're-- We've contacted the authorities...

and, uh, we're doing everything we can.

Okay. All right.

Um, all right. l-- Then I'll speak to you soon.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Has it-- Has it been eight hours?

So, we see, time and again...

that a man cannot escape his own nature.

But instead he must reconcile himself to that nature.

See, we are what we pretend to be...

because we pretend to be what we really are.

The act is not an act.

The plan was I was gonna go back to work after Emily was born...

but it didn't really work out that way.

Well, I was going through my second divorce...

when I went to apply for a job at Schwitters world headquarters.

And I got the job.

And I'd been there about a week...

when someone told me Mr. Schwitters wanted to see me.

So he took me out to dinner.

At the end of dinner, he proposed.

Fortunately, Lester was well-insured.

So I plan on selling the house...

and taking all the money and traveling.

I've always wanted to travel...

but, um, not with Lester.

As I understand it, I'm supposed to look like somebody's wife. Is that right?

- No. - Yes.

I'd like something more important to do.

You done?

- Mmm. - Hello?

Oh, my God. When?

Did somebody call Shelly?

Wow. Um, so now what?

Who's gonna take over?

Oh, boy.

Okay. Does this, uh-- Does this mean that you're gonna be late?

Okay. Bye.

What did you drop?

Derrick was kidnapped and held hostage.

And Gassim, who may work for either the Mossad or the P.L.O....

married Sue Ellen so he could get information on Sue Ellen's brother...

who is the prince of Saudi Arabia.

Wow. Amazing what you can miss when you skip a day.

I know. Oh. Hang on just a minute, Deb.

There's somebody at the door.

Okay. Thank you.

I don't know. It's some package.

What is it?

- Oh. Deb, let me call you back, okay? - Sure.

It's these huge women having sex...

with these little, tiny men.

I was planning on it.

Call me if we're still on.

Hello.

Oh, spaghetti and soft rolls. Your favorite.

I told him I'm gonna see a movie with Judy.

So I'll be there about quarter to 8:00.

Okay, I'm gonna go. I'll be back by 10:00.

And Emily's in the TV room.

Say you love me.

Say you need me.

Say...

I'm the most important person in your life.

I love it when you say those things.

Hi.

Oh, the movie wasn't that great, butJudy was fun...

and it was nice to get out of the house.

Okay.

Lester Richards was a man beloved by family...

friends and colleagues.

A man who leaves behind a legacy oflove, good work...

and a sincere and genuine interest in other people's lives.

But why not find inspiration from this sorrowful event?

Inspiration to say the kind words and do the good deed now...

immediately upon thinking them or feeling them.

Time is in glorious abundance to those who procrastinate.

Hello.

Fine.

About four points.

That's right.

You may be right about that one.

Okay.

If you'll keep her just tonight, I'll come by and pick her up tomorrow.

Call my mother. She'll call me.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh.

Right.

Oh. Absolutely. Um, yeah.

Of course.

Oh, you worm!

You know, you accepted that job...

just before I accepted your invitation to move in with you.

I mean, too bad about the timing.

If I had waited just a little longer...

you could have been gone.

You worm!

Uh--

Uh...

a little.

No. I, uh--

I don't know. l--

It's not a-- a physical kind of tired. It's different.

Maybe.

You're very accommodating.

Hmm.

Okay.

I want to go.

To your room.

I could be happy just doing this.

It's funny to think about all the people I've known...

and all the decisions I've made...

coming together at this point.

I'm glad we know each other.

Hmm.

Over the past decade, the enormous expansion of Eventualism...

across the continent proves the absolute and essential role of Eventualism...

in all realms of life, be it metaphysics, psychology, art, what have you.

The public perception of reality before Eventualism was inadequate.

Eventualism provides one...

with nothing less than a transcendent idea of reality.

Soon its influence will extend beyond the tangible empirical world...

and into the collective unconscious, where it will become even more powerful.

Eventualism is the long overdue recognition...

of people everywhere of their own significance.

Is it finished?

Yeah, it's finished.

Are you pleased?

I am actually.

A New Mexico woman was named final arbiter of taste and justice today...

ending God's lengthy search for someone to straighten this country out.

Eileen Harriet Paulglace will have final say on every known subject...

including who should be put to death, what clothes everyone should wear...

what movies suck and whether bald men who grow ponytails should still get laid.

They tried his house?

- There was nobody there. - Did they call, or did somebody actually go over there?

Both.

Maybe somebody gave him another offer.

Did you write this?

Yes.

It's very good. He'll be pleased.

Not only are you writing his words...

you are speaking his language.

You know, when I first got here, we had a saying.

I'll just--

Mr. Schwitters, it's such an exciting thing to have you here today.

- Terrific. - My life was a complete mess...

- until I read your books and found out about your philosophy. - Yeah. I'm sure it was.

- I'd been divorced three times. I was about-- - Let's get Munson.

- Okay. Hey, Munson. Munson! - The day after...

I read your book was just so exciting.

- I found out how to control my mind-- - Great speech.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah. It was a great speech.

- Go ahead. I'm listening. - Well,just to know that you're here--

I mean, and your philosophy changed my entire life.

- Fabulous. - And everyone that l--

Yeah. I mean, I'm not mechanically incl--

Hi. Excuse me. Mrs. Schwitters, I wanted to introduce myself.

- My name is Fletcher Munson. - Hi.

- Um-- - Hi.

I thought maybe your husband had mentioned me.

I've been working for him the last few days... closely.

No.

Oh. Well--

You know what? He's been really busy writing this speech that he's doing today.

- So maybe that's why. - That's probably it then.

- Yeah. - Anyway. Well,just wanted to say hi.

- Well, nice meeting you. - Nice to meet you. Bye.

Bye.

What time is it?

About five after.

I didn't ask you what time it is about. I asked you what time it is.

It's three after 8:00.

- And what time does the speech start? - 8:00.

"8:00"?

Ladies and gentlemen...

once in a very great while...

an individual emerges from a--

from a sea of troubles and-- and brings from this--

this sea... something to us.

Something in us. Something...

from that... sea.

- Did you write this? - I wish.

He reveals.

And I think you know who it is.

He's here with us tonight.

Author, philosopher...

human being:

T. Azimuth Schwitters!

Thank you.

Nose army!

Oh, God. Very bad.

Do something, will you?

People, get an ambulance.

- Someone-- - Nose army!

Nose army!

Well, how is that book?

It's extremely good.

Really? Yeah, I haven't read it, uh...

but the subject interests me.

- Where are you flying? - Costa Rica.

- That's where I'm going. - Really? San Jos�?

Did you have any strong personal feelings about him...

one way or another?

Where did you get the gun?

- What's your name? - Dolores.

- Have you got my messages? - Yes. People who have called to send regards.

- Oh. Fabulous. - The president.

- Uh, send him a card. - Senator Dole.

Hmm, send him a card. Stop pacing!

- Governor Wilson. - Uh, send him some meat.

- SenatorJohnson. - Ca-Card.

Stop sweating on that. It's an antique.

- Governor Edwards. - Next.

- Mr. Perelman. - Uh, card.

- Where's the tape? - Wh-What tape?

The tape. The tape of the assassination. The one that, uh...

- my, uh-- what's her name-- my wife shot yesterday. - Oh, it's right there.

Well, put it in. I want to watch it.

- Oliver Stone. - Who?

- Oliver Stone. - I don't know who that is. Send meat.

- Senator Feinstein. - Send him a card.

- Mayor Dooley. - Card. Okay. Let's watch this.

- What the fuck is this? - I don't know. It looks like your house.

Thanks for the news flash. What the hell's this guy doing in my house?

l-- I don't know. It looks like he's getting ready to screw your wife.

Hmm. I wonder what that's like.

Did you plan to shoot anyone else?

Did you plan to shoot yourself?

Elmo no-o-o-ose army.

Well, you're two creative and intense houseplants.

Houseplants. I can see that. I can see that.

I believe so strongly in mayonnaise.

I'm talking about perception...

and communication skills-s-s-s-s-s.

Houseplant.

I can make sense... out of yesterday.

Can you understand the power of that?

You will learn something from me.

- And which one's a plane? - I'll get it.

Do you see which one is different?

Can you circle the one that's different?

- Hello. - This one is.

- Okay. - Um, no. There's no Bob here.

- Well, do you wanna-- do you wanna-- to color? - What number are you dialing?

Well, that's this number, but there's no Bob here.

All right. Fine.

Okay.

- Who was that? - Somebody for Bob.

- Hmm. - What is it?

It's a spider.

Different spider.

In three years, I am hired by an ad agency for a lot of money to write copy...

for their biggest client...

a cellular phone company.

In five years, my wife leaves me for someone smarter, handsomer...

and more emotionally demonstrative.

In eight years, after getting drunk at a friend's wedding reception in Anchorage, Alaska...

I fall asleep in a snowdrift while walking back to my hotel.

I'm discovered the following spring and successfully thawed.

Until then, I wait.

Action.

Ladies and gentlemen, young and old...

I know this may seem an unusual procedure, but I thought you might have some questions.

And since I'm already here, I can answer some of them.

Yes.

Yes.

Not specifically. I actually find all of them rather weird.

Yes.

Foot-long veggie on wheat.

Thank you.

Cut.