Original subtitles

Guests: AW.

OH...

MRS. SLOVATNY!

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!

BREAK IT UP.

YOU'RE GOING ON OUR HONEYMOON WITH ME.

COME ON.

OH!

OH.

BYE-BYE!

GOOD-BYE!

BYE!

BYE-BYE!

BYE!

BYE-BYE!

BYE-BYE!

ISABEL...

THIS IS A 1939

BLACK CADILLAC STATION WAGON.

IT'S NOT A HEARSE.

BUT IF IT...

IF IT COMES FROM BURT MYERS' MORTUARY--

THEN IT'S A GREAT BUY AT 500 BUCKS,

'CAUSE IT STANDS TO REASON

THAT WHOEVER DROVE IT FOR BURT MYERS' MORTUARY

WAS NO HOT-RODDING KID.

LOOK, LITTLE BIT,

SAY YOU CARRY COAL A COUPLE OF TIMES IN A--

IN A THUNDERBIRD.

DOESN'T NECESSARILY

MAKE THE THUNDERBIRD A COAL TRUCK, DOES IT?

NO.

BUT IF...

BUT IF THIS CAR...

HAS GONE 147,000 MILES...

WHAT WAS CARRIED IN IT

WAS CARRIED IN IT MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES.

IT'S NOT THAT I MIND, GEORGE,

IT'S JUST THAT...

IT WAS SUCH A SURPRISE.

I MEAN, AT FIRST GLANCE, RIGHT AFTER GETTING MARRIED.

OH, YOU SURE WERE HAPPY ABOUT THAT, TOO.

BAWLING OVER THAT HEAD NURSE

LIKE SHE WAS YOUR LAST FRIEND IN THE WORLD.

AND AFTER TELLING ME 100 TIMES

WHAT A BLOOD-SUCKING OLD HARPY SHE IS.

WELL, I'M SORRY YOU THINK I'M A HYPOCRITE.

NO, LITTLE BIT, I DIDN'T CALL YOU--

IT'S JUST I HAD A MOMENT OF FEELING LONELY--

GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT DADDY

OR POOR MAMA BEING THERE

AND GOING OFF TO A STRANGE PLACE...

WAIT. YOU PICKED MIAMI!

WITH A STRANGE MAN I'M NOT EVEN RELATED TO...

IN A HEARSE!

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

I THOUGHT AT LEAST I KNOW MRS. SLOVATNY.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE GOING TO MIAMI, FLORIDA

WITH MRS. SLOVATNY.

I DON'T WANNA GO WITH MRS. SLOVATNY.

I WANNA GO WITH YOU 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU--

WHICH IS WHY I MARRIED YOU!

ONLY THAT LITTLE FACT

WOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER TO REMEMBER

IF YOU'D STOP SHOUTING AT ME!

WHO'S SHOUTING?!

'CAUSE I'M NOT USED TO BEING SHOUTED AT!

Singers: ¶ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS ¶

A RADIO IN A...

¶ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ¶

¶ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ¶

¶ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS ¶

¶ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ¶

I GUESS THEY MUST'VE PLAYED IT

ON THE WAY BACK.

¶ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ¶

¶ DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW ¶

¶ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ¶

¶ O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO... ¶

OHH. THINK IT'LL BE A WHITE CHRISTMAS, HONEY?

WON'T MATTER TO US.

WE GONNA BE LYING ON THE NICE, WARM SAND

IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.

HMM.

HEY, LITTLE BIT,

TAKE A LOOK BACK AT ST. LOUIS.

MAY BE YOUR LAST LOOK.

I DID IT, HONEY.

I QUIT MY JOB YESTERDAY.

GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

YEP.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S ONE BIT AMUSING.

I'M TELLIN--

GEORGE, I...

I THOUGHT MARRIED PEOPLE WERE SUPPOSED TO...

DISCUSS IMPORTANT DECISIONS WITH EACH OTHER.

4:00 YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,

WHEN I MADE THAT PARTICULAR DECISION,

WE WEREN'T MARRIED.

WELL, WE ARE NOW.

OH, THAT'S THE TRUTH.

OH.

MIND TELLING ME WHAT WE ARE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA GO TO MIAMI, FLORIDA

AND LIE ON THE NICE, WARM SAND.

OH, NO WE ARE NOT.

WE ARE GONNA FIND YOU A JOB.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT KIND OF A JOB TONIGHT.

OH, I...

I MEAN...

NO, I MEAN, LIKE WHILE WE'RE HAVING DINNER?

AND THEN WE'LL START LOOKING TOMORROW.

AND WE WON'T STOP

UNTIL WE FIND WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR.

HONEY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO SH--

Rockabilly singers: ¶ JINGLE BELLS ¶

¶ JINGLE BELLS ¶

¶ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ¶

¶ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ¶

George: INFORMATION?

I'D LIKE THE NUMBER OF MR. RALPH BATES.

HIGH POINT, TENNESSEE.

WILL YOU GET IT FOR ME?

THANK YOU, OPERATOR.

HELLO.

THIS IS GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

IS MR. BATES AT HOME?

HE'S AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY AT THE OFFICE?

YOU TELL HIM I'LL CALL HIM IN THE MORNING WHEN HE SOBERS UP.

THANK YOU.

¶ ...ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH ¶

¶ JINGLE BELLS ¶

¶ JINGLE BELLS ¶

¶ JINGLE ALL THE WAY ¶

YEAH, THAT'S ME.

LUCKY.

SOMETHING TO WARM YOU UP, MACK, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T NEED THAT!

I JUST LIKE IT.

¶ ...ALL THE WAY ¶

WELL...

IT'LL MAKE A CUTE STORY TO TELL, UH,

TELL PEOPLE, WON'T IT?

I MEAN,

HAVING OUR WEDDING DINNER IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

WHAT'S A MATTER WITH A PLACE LIKE THIS?

I JUST MEAN IT'S, UH,

A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL.

THAT'S WHAT SO CUTE ABOUT IT.

MIGHT DO US SOME GOOD AT THAT.

IT'S GETTING COLD IN THAT CAR.

A LITTLE COLD ALL OVER.

I NOTICED.

WELL, DOWN THE HATCH.

YOU AREN'T GONNA GET INTOXICATED,

ARE YOU, HONEY?

I--I MEAN,

YOU'VE ALREADY HAD QUITE A LOT OF BEER, DEAR.

WHEN WE WERE GOING AROUND, YOU DIDN'T KEEP A TALLY ON WHAT I DRANK.

I'M NOT KEEPING A TALLY. I--

THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE NOBODY IS GONNA COUNT DRINKS

ON GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

THAT-A-BOY!

YOU TELL HER!

Man: ALRIGHT, KID.

YOU WANT SOME KETCHUP?

NO, THANK YOU.

LOOKS...

LOOKS LIKE QUITE A GOOD STEAK.

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GOOD STEAK.

MMM.

DID YOU GET YOUR FRIEND RALPH BATES?

NO, I TALKED TO THE BABY-SITTER.

SEE, RALPH WAS OUT AT A PARTY WITH HIS FRAU.

MMM.

WHAT KIND OF CHILD DO THEY HAVE--THE BATES'?

MMM. A BOY OR A GIRL?

ONE OR THE OTHER.

OHH.

MMM. YOU GONNA BE CRAZY ABOUT OLD RALPH.

WHEN WE WERE IN KOREA TOGETHER,

EVERY GUY IN THE AIR FORCE WOULD GO TO HIM, WHEN THINGS GOT FOULED UP.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA TALK TO HIM ABOUT.

IT'S NOT A JOB, ACTUALLY. IT'S MORE OF A--

OF AN OPPORTUNITY.

ONE THAT'D SET ME UP FOR LIFE.

WE GONNA STOP OFF THERE TOMORROW.

YOU'RE ROUSING MY CURIOSITY.

AFTER I TALK IT OVER WITH RALPH.

IF I CAN ONLY WAIT TILL TOMORROW TO DISCUSS THE ASPECTS WITH HIM.

MY GOODNESS. IF IT'S ALL THAT IMPORTANT,

WE SHOULD JUST DRIVE ALL NIGHT

TO HIGH POINT, TENNESSEE.

I'D LIKE TO, BUT I DON'T KNOW HIS WIFE.

TO BARGE IN ON THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE--

OH, THAT WOULD BE INCONSIDERATE, WOULDN'T IT?

ALMOST AS INCONSIDERATE

AS DRIVING ALL NIGHT WOULD BE TO ME!

AND YOU--AND YOU DON'T KNOW ME VERY WELL, EITHER.

OR WANT TO, IT LOOKS LIKE.

WHAT'S A MATTER WITH YOU?

WITH ME?!

MOST MEN IN YOUR POSITION

WOULD BE THINKING ABOUT THEIR BRIDES RIGHT NOW,

NOT LIFE OPPORTUNITIES OR ANYTHING ELSE--

ABOUT IF I WAS COLD OR NERVOUS OR TIRED.

ABOUT FINDING A NICE PLACE TO STAY.

I PICKED A PLACE ON THE WAY TO MIAMI, FLORIDA.

MOST MEN ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT WOULD SHOW A LITTLE INTEREST IN THAT WEDDING NIGHT.

THAT'S WHY I SAY IF THERE'S SOMETHING THE MATTER WITH ONE OF US,

GEORGE HAVERSTICK, THAT ONE IS NOT ME.

AHEM.

OH.

COME ON.

GEORGE, UH... I GOT UPSET BECAUSE--

I KNOW. GET UP. I THOUGHT YOU JUST RARING TO GO.

GO WHERE?!

I AM NOT GONNA GO JUST ANYWHERE.

I WOULDN'T DREAM

OF TAKING YOU JUST ANYWHERE.

HEY, MISTER, CAN YOU--

SHH. FOLKS IS SLEEPING.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF--

ARE WE GONNA STAY HERE?

00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU WANT US TO KEEP DRIVING?

MAY I HAVE MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG, PLEASE, GEORGE?

AAH!

OH!

OOH.

OH.

OH. OH!

NOT BAD, HUH? OR IT WON'T BE ONCE IT'S WARM.

LOOKS CLEAN ANYWAY.

COME ON IN, LITTLE BIT. STAY AWHILE.

AH.

WHOA.

OH.

SKIP. SKIP!

Where's Mommy?

IN THE KITCHEN.

DON'T DO THAT, SKIP.

SKIP. NO. IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING.

DON'T DO THAT. PLEASE.

THANK YOU, BOY.

AHEM.

STILL TALKING TO ME?

ALRIGHT, DON'T DIE.

YOU ACTED LIKE ANYONE WITH 5 DOUBLE-MARTINIS IN HIM.

NO BETTER, NO WORSE.

OH.

WHEW.

HOW'S THE HEAD?

GUESS.

COME ON, HAVE SOME COFFEE. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

NO, I WON'T. NO.

IF YOU'D HOLLER AT ME, AND TELL ME I DISGRACED YOU AT THE PARTY,

THEN I MIGHT FEEL BETTER.

GONNA HAVE TO FEEL BETTER SOME OTHER WAY.

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE...

FOR INSTANCE WHAT?

SEEING DADDY THE MINUTE YOU GET TO THE PLANT.

APOLOGIZING.

DADDY DOESN'T FEEL WELL, JUNIOR.

YOU GO PLAY SOMEWHERE ELSE LIKE A GOOD BOY.

YOU GOT A STOMACH ACHE?

MMM. AMONG OTHER THINGS.

DOTTY, CAN'T YOU GET THAT DOLL AWAY FROM HIM? HUH?

DOESN'T LOOK NICE FOR A BOY.

HE'S ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.

WELL, THAT'S NONE TOO SOON TO GET WHAT HE IS FIRMLY FIXED IN HIS MIND.

AND WILL YOU STOP CALLING HIM JUNIOR?

PLEASE. AS A PERSONAL FAVOR.

HONEY, I KNOW YOU HATE THE IDEA OF APOLOGIZING TO DADDY.

YOU BETTER BRIEF ME ON LAST NIGHT.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR SOMETHING I MIGHT'VE FORGOTTEN TO SAY.

OH, YOU DIDN'T FORGET MUCH.

YOU SAID YOU HAD BATTLE FATIGUE

FROM LISTENING TO HIM BORE PEOPLE.

THEN WHEN THE OTHERS SAID THEY WEREN'T BORED,

YOU SAID YOU HAD TO GIVE HIM CREDIT--DADDY--

BECAUSE IT TOOK TALENT TO TURN A WHOLE ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE

INTO MEALY-MOUTHED HYPOCRITES LIKE HIMSELF.

YOU SURE I WAS DRUNK?

OKAY, OKAY. ANYTHING ELSE?

OH, NEVERMIND. JUST LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF IT.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS MARCH INTO HIS OFFICE,

TELL HIM YOU HAD TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS CHEER AND YOU

DIDN'T MEAN A WORD.

THAT'S THE BRIGHT SIDE, HUH?

JUST BE HONEST WITH HIM, RALPHIE.

YOU'LL BE SURPRISED HOW HE RESPONDS.

YOU WERE DRUNK AND THE TRUTH CAME OUT!

I HAD NO RIGHT TO SAY WHAT I DID.

NOT AT YOUR PARTY IN YOUR HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M APOLOGIZING FOR.

IT'S YOUR ATTITUDE YOU OUGHT TO APOLOGIZE FOR--

WHICH I'VE HAD A BELLYFUL OF. IT AIN'T RESPECTFUL.

I'VE NEVER SAID A DISRESPECTFUL WORD TO YOU IN MY LIFE...

TILL LAST NIGHT.

YOU'VE NEVER SAID A GOOD WORD, EITHER.

I GIVE YOU A GREAT OPPORTUNITY HERE,

WHICH ANY OTHER YOUNG FELLA

WOULD GET DOWN ON HIS KNEES FOR.

THE SAME OPPORTUNITY MY FATHER-IN-LAW,

THE LAST PRESIDENT OF REGAL DAIRY, GAVE ME.

ONLY I DIDN'T SNEER AT HIM.

I WAS GRATEFUL.

LIKE YOU OUGHT TO BE GRATEFUL.

FOR WHAT? I EARN EVERY PENNY I GET HERE.

I EARN A LOT MORE PENNIES THAN I GET HERE.

AH, SO THAT'S THE GRIPE, IS IT?

THE BIG WAR HERO'S ALL BURNED UP

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET A CHRISTMAS RAISE OR PROMOTION.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOUNG FELLA.

THE WAY I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL ABOUT YOU,

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU STILL HAVE A JOB.

ALIGHT.

YOU TOLD ME.

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU.

DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.

NO, NO. OH, BUT I WANNA SAY IT--

JUST WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS GREAT JOB

AND WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH IT.

AND YOU LET HIM?!

WHY IF YOU'D EVER TALKED THAT WAY TO MY DADDY,

HE'D HAVE HORSEWHIPPED YOU.

I AM NOT CRITICIZING, STUART.

I AM JUST STATING A FACT.

STUART. STUART, LISTEN.

STUART, YOU HAD BETTER TAKE A BICARB.

I DON'T WANT TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WITH YOUR STOMACH.

WELL, YOUR FINE HUSBAND HAS JUST...

Q-U-I-T HIS JOB.

RALPH?

OH, NO.

THAT MAN OUGHT TO BE GRATEFUL EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE

THAT YOUR DADDY TOOK HIM INTO THE BUSINESS.

B-BUT HE ACTS LIKE HE'S DONE US THE FAVOR.

TREATS YOU LIKE A DOORMAT, A--A PIECE OF FURNITURE.

I THINK YOU OUGHT TO FIND OUT

EXACTLY WHERE IT IS THAT YOU STAND.

WHY...

RALPH IS WALKING OUT ON REGAL DAIRY PRODUCTS,

NOT ON ME.

ONCE THEY START WALKING OUT,

WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'LL WALK OUT ON.

WELL, GIRLS,

WHAT'S NEW?

HI, SKIPPY BOY.

I SEE YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEW.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GONNA DO IT, BABY.

I JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY.

HEY, BUT I KNEW YOU'D GO ALONG WITH ME.

YOU--YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A THOUGHT. ME OR JUNIOR.

HONEY--

YOU NEVER DO.

PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM JUNIOR.

I'LL CALL HIM ANYTHING I WANT.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU ABOUT WHAT TO CALL HIM!

OKAY.

THEN IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

AND I'LL START WITH THAT NEW DOLL YOU SO KINDLY BOUGHT HIM.

HEY, SKIPPY BOY.

I'M NOT BITING MY NAILS.

THEY'RE YOUR NAILS.

YOU WANNA BITE THEM, BITE THEM.

HEY, LISTEN, SKIP, YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING?

RIGHT THIS MINUTE, SANTA CLAUS IS COMING

WITH A LOT OF NEW STUFF FOR YOU. BOY STUFF.

A REINDEER. I ASKED HIM IN A DEPARTMENT STORE.

OH, UH, YEAH, A REINDEER OR A FOOTBALL.

A REINDEER!

WELL, THAT'S UP TO SANTA CLAUS, SKIP.

ANYWAY, YOU WON'T BE NEEDING

THIS SISSY JUNK ANYMORE, WILL YOU, HMM?

NAH.

MY MOTHER GAVE HIM THAT DOLL!

NEXT TIME, SHE'LL KNOW BETTER.

ALRIGHT, DOROTHEA, LET'S GO HOME.

OH, NO, I'M NOT GOING HOME WITH YOU.

NOT TILL I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I STAND.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, HONEY?

YOU STAND EXACTLY WHERE YOU'VE ALWAYS STOOD.

I'M JUST LIKE A-- LIKE A DOORMAT TO YOU.

A PIECE OF FURNITURE YOU'RE SO USED TO

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S THERE!

LET'S GO HOME, HUH? I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE HOLLERING TIME YOU WANT,

BUT AT OUR HOUSE, NOT HERE IN ENEMY TERRITORY.

"ENEMY TERRITORY?!" THIS IS MY PARENT'S HOME AND IF YOU--

AAH!

HONEY, IS HE ALRIGHT?

YOU GO AWAY.

YOU GET OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE I'M NEVER GOING HOME WITH YOU.

DOTTY, YOU KNOW YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I MEAN.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I MEAN.

WHEN YOU STOP BEING HYSTERICAL, CALL ME.

I'LL COME AND GET YOU.

WELL, THANK YOU, HIGH POINT SUPERMARKET.

GO AHEAD. GO ON, STRONGHEART. YOU WON'T MELT.

GO ON, BOY.

GO ON.

OH, NO.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T, YOU SLOB.

OUTSIDE OR NOTHING.

YES?

OH, UH, YEAH, YEAH, OPERATOR, THIS IS HIM.

GEORGE?

WELL, HOW ARE YOU? IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU CALLED BACK.

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE. WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?

I'M UP TO MY NECK IN TROUBLES, BUDDY. I GOT HITCHED!

YOU GOT MARRIED?! WELL, I'LL BE...

NOTHING GREAT ABOUT IT. I WISH I WAS BACK--

HEY, HEY, HEY. HOLD ON, BOY.

HEY, NOW, WHOA, WHOA.

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A GIRL ACTING LIKE THAT?!

NOW, YOU TELL THE TRUTH, MAN!

SON, THIS IS ALL PERFECTLY NATURAL.

YOU JUST GOING THROUGH A PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT.

A WEEK AND YOU'LL BE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'LL BE--

NO, NO, GEORGE. I'M NOT LAUGHING.

I SAID YOU'D BE LAUGHING.

YOU JUST HAUL YOUR KEISTER OVER HERE, OKAY?

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

I AM IN HELL, THAT'S WHERE I AM. I AM IN HELL.

NO, I MEAN GEOGRAPHICALLY, BOY.

FINE, FINE. NOW, YOU JUST KEEP RIGHT ON IT

TILL YOU GET TO CHANCELLORVILLE.

YEAH.

$3.50, BUD. ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER.

YEAH.

GEORGE?

HEY, RALPH!

WHAT'D YOU SAY, BOY?!

WHOOP. HEY, PARK IT IN THE DRIVEWAY AND HURRY UP, MAN!

I FORGOT MY SHOES. I'LL GO GET THEM.

I'D LIKE MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG, PLEASE, GEORGE.

ALRIGHT, BUT LOOK, THIS GUY IS MY BEST FRIEND, AND IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE,

SO WOULD YOU TRY NOT TO ACT AS IF I'VE BEEN TORTURING YOU?

BUT, GEORGE, YOU HAVE BEEN TORTURING ME.

EVERY MINUTE AND EVERY MILE

OF THIS SO-CALLED HONEYMOON TRIP,

OF WHICH YOU HAVE MADE A SHEER, UNMITIGATED HELL!

OH! NO, NO, DON'T!

¶ HERE COMES THE BRIDE ALL DRESSED IN-- ¶

NO! NO, DON'T!

OH, I NEVER WANNA SEE RICE AGAIN IN MY LIFE--

NOT UNCOOKED, ANYHOW.

WELL, IT IS A PAIN, ISN'T IT?

OH, I--EXCUSE ME.

I'M ISABEL CRANE, MR. BATES.

WHY, I THOUGHT YOU MARRIED THAT BOY NOW.

OH, I MEAN...

MRS. GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

OH, THE DRIVEWAY'S TOO STEEP.

WHAT KINDA CAR'S OLD GEORGE GOT THERE?

LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THEM FUNERAL COACHES.

MR. BATES, YOU HAVE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD

WITH THE HEAD OF THE HAMMER.

IT OUGHT TO BE RETIRED WITH AN OLD AGE PENSION.

THAT'S A FUNNY CHOICE FOR A HONEYMOON TRIP.

OH, GEORGE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.

HE CHOSE THE PROPER VEHICLE FOR THE OCCASION.

HUH?

OH, I LOVE SPANISH-TYPE ARCHITECTURE.

MISSION-TYPE HOUSES.

OH, TH-THIS IS SUCH A...

I MEAN, SUCH A SWEET HOUSE.

WELL, HOW GOES IT, HONEY?

MARRIAGE IN ORBIT? HMM?

UH, OH, EVERYTHING IS JUST...

JUST FINE.

Isabelle: GEORGE!

WHAT IS THAT MAN DOING?

HMM.

WHY, THAT IS EVERY BAG I HAVE...

EXCEPT MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG,

WHICH IS ALL I WANTED.

HE--HEY.

HEY, GEORGE!

HEY, GEORGE.

HEY, GEORGE, WHERE YOU GOING?!

HEY, GEORGIE!

YO!

GEO--

WELL...

UH...

UH, HE, UH...

HE...

JUST A LITTLE...

WELL, UH...

HE JUST--JUST GOT IN THE CAR AND DROVE OFF.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE'S DEPOSITED ME ON YOUR HANDS AND DRIVEN AWAY.

YEAH.

OH, HOW FUNNY.

OH, ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

HA. YEAH. YEAH.

IT'S NO SURPRISE TO ME, THOUGH.

ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE, I HAD...

I HAD A FEELING THAT THE FIRST CHANCE HE GOT HE WOULD ABANDON ME SOMEWHERE.

OH, HEY. HEY, NOW. NOW, LOOK. NOW, LOOK.

I'VE KNOWN THAT BOY A LONG TIME,

AND HE'S ALWAYS BEEN SORT OF WAY OUT.

NEVER WAY OUT THAT FAR.

YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU KNEW HIM, MR. BATES.

SO DID I, BUT I--I MARRIED A STRANGER.

WE ALL DO THAT.

UH, WHERE IS YOUR WIFE? WHERE IS MRS. BATES?

SHE'S, UH, NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

OH! OH, I AM SUCH A FOOL.

OH, WHY DIDN'T I KNOW BETTER?

CAN YOU... CAN YOU ANSWER ME THAT?

HEY, HEY, HEY, NOW.

COME ON NOW, HONEY. NOW, LET'S GET OVER TO THE FIRE, HUH?

LET'S GET THAT DAMP COAT OFF, HUH?

THAT'S IT. NOW, I'M SURE THAT BOY'S COMING BACK.

I AM NOW POSITIVE OF IT.

UH, THAT'S A CUTE LITTLE SUIT YOU'RE WEARING.

WERE YOU MARRIED IN THAT?

YES, I WAS MARRIED IN THIS LITTLE TRAVELING SUIT.

APPROPRIATELY.

WELL, NOW, YOU COULDN'T HAVE LOOKED PRETTIER IN WHITE SATIN.

LET'S GET THOSE DAMP SHOES AND STOCKINGS OFF, HUH?

COME ON. SIT YOU RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S IT.

OH, YOU HAVE SUCH A--

A SWEET LITTLE HOUSE AND SUCH A SWEET LITTLE BAR.

YEAH... EVERYTHING'S SWEET HERE.

WHERE IS YOUR WIFE, MR. BATES?

OH, SHE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S GONNA BE OUTRAGED.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD GEORGE THAT CHRISTMAS EVE

WAS NO TIME TO INTRUDE IN ON A YOUNG, MARRIED COUPLE.

AH, YOU'RE NOT INTRUDING ON A THING.

I DID EXPECT IT, AND YET I DIDN'T EXPECT IT.

WELL, I MEAN, IT OCCURRED TO ME.

THE POSSIBILITY OF... OF HIS ABANDONING ME SOMEWHERE.

BUT I--I THOUGHT I WAS JUST BEING MORBID.

I'VE THROUGH A WAR WITH THAT BOY. I KNOW HIM.

HE'D NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DITCH YOU LIKE THAT--

UNLESS HE'S GONE OF HIS ROCKER.

WELL, GEORGE HAVERSTICK WAS NOT A PATIENT IN NEUROLOGICAL

AT BELVEDERE HOSPITAL IN ST. LOUIS

BECAUSE HE WAS SO NORMAL.

THAT'S WHERE I MET HIM.

I WAS A NURSE.

WELL, I'M STILL A NURSE, THAT IS.

WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH HIM?

THAT IS THE MYSTERY.

HE SHAKES!

THAT'S ALL. HE JUST SHAKES.

OH, THAT'S COME BACK ON HIM, HUH?

HMM. HE HAD IT IN KOREA.

OH, IS THAT A CAR?

OH.

NO, IT ISN'T.

ANYWAY...

THAT'S WHERE I MET HIM.

GEORGE.

GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

AT BELVEDERE.

I HAD HIM ON THE NIGHT SHIFT.

MY, DIDN'T HE KEEP ME RUNNING.

OH.

THAT LITTLE BUZZER WAS JUST NEVER OUT OF HIS HAND.

COULDN'T SLEEP UNDER SEDATION--

AND I SENT ENOUGH TO KNOCK AN ELEPHANT OUT--

UNLESS...

UNLESS I WAS THERE.

OHH...

I WAS VERY TOUCHED BY HIM.

HONESTLY, I WAS VERY TOUCHED BY THAT BOY.

HE WAS...

OH, HE WAS SO HANDSOME AND SO...

AFFLICTED.

SO AFFLICTED AND...

SO HANDSOME.

I THOUGHT HE SINCERELY LOVED ME.

AND THAT I'D MAKE HIM HAPPY.

DARN. I'VE CAUGHT A HEAD COLD.

I GUESS IT'S FATIGUE...

EXHAUSTION.

COME ON NOW.

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A LITTLE...

PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT.

THAT'S ALL.

WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE

HE TOOK MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG?

IT HAD ALL MY NIGHT THINGS IN IT.

UNLESS HE INTENDS TO...

TO PICK UP A FEMALE COMPANION.

COME ON, MARGE.

NO!

PLEASE?

NO.

PLEASE, MARGE?

NO!

COME ON.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

NO.

YOU'RE A DOPE!

THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A BIG DOPE!

PLEASE, MARGIE.

DO YOU KNOW, MR. BATES, GEORGE DIDN'T BOTHER TELLING ME

TILL AFTER THE CEREMONY THAT HE QUIT HIS JOB?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF SUCH A THING?

A MAN QUITTING HIS JOB WITHOUT TELLING HIS WIFE!

AH, GEORGE IS A HIGH-STRUNG BOY, I'LL GRANT YOU,

BUT THEY DON'T MAKE THEM ANY BETTER.

WELL, IF THEY DON'T MAKE THEM ANY BETTER

THAN GEORGE HAVERSTICK,

THEN THEY OUGHT TO STOP PRODUCTION.

I MEAN IT. I MEAN IT.

IF HE IS THE BEST THEY MAKE THEM,

THEN I SAY DON'T MAKE THEM.

I TOLD HIM THE MINUTE I LOST MY JOB.

OH? YOU QUIT, TOO?

WELL, I WAS POLITELY DISMISSED.

MY FIRST DAY IN SURGERY...

I FAINTED.

WHEN THE DOCTOR MADE THAT INCISION,

AND I SAW THAT BLOOD, I KEELED OVER.

THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE, HONEY.

NOT IN A NURSE, NOT IN A GIRL WHO HAS SET HER HEART

ON BEING A FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE,

ESTABLISHING CLINICS IN THE UPPER AMAZON

AND WORKING--OH!

WHAT IS THAT?!

OH, IT'S NOTHING, NOTHING.

THE GROUND'S JUST SETTLING A BIT.

WE GET THAT ALL THE TIME HERE

BECAUSE THE SUBURB OF HIGH POINT

IS BUILT OVER A GREAT, BIG UNDERGROUND CAVERN

AND IS GRADUALLY SINKING DOWN INTO IT

AN INCH OR 2 INCHES EVERY YEAR.

YEAH.

NOW, YOU NOTICE THOSE CRACKS...

COME ON OVER TO THE FIRE, HONEY.

DON'T WORRY. THAT BOY'S COMING BACK I TELL YOU.

HE'S COMING RIGHT BACK.

NOW...

SORRY I DON'T HAVE ANY EGGNOG.

OH, THAT'S ALRIGHT.

I DON'T DRINK.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BEGIN.

OOPS.

OH.

OH, WHAT IS IT?

UH, CHRISTMAS CHEER--

WHICH WE BOTH CAN USE A LITTLE OF.

WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE

NURSES AND DOCTORS SHOULD DRINK.

BUT I-I'M NOT PART OF THE PROFESSION ANYMORE, AM I?

SO...

AHH.

HMM?

OHH.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND, MR. BATES.

VERY.

OH.

WHERE DID YOU SAY YOUR WIFE WAS?

MY WIFE QUIT ME. MM-HMM.

YEP, SHE WALKED OUT ON ME WHEN I TOLD HER I QUIT MY JOB.

YOU'RE JOKING!

NO WOMAN WOULD LEAVE A MAN AS NICE AS YOU ARE FOR THAT KIND OF REASON.

WELL, I'VE GOT NO BEEF. I GUESS I GOT JUST WHAT WAS COMING TO ME--

MARRYING A GIRL WHO DIDN'T ATTRACT ME.

WELL...

MR. BATES.

MM-HMM?

UH...

D-DID YOU SAY YOUR WIFE DIDN'T ATTRACT YOU?

MM-HMM.

NOT IN THE BEGINNING.

BUT I GUESS I'M NOT THE ONLY MAN

THAT WOULD MARRY THE ONLY DAUGHTER

OF AN OLD MILLIONAIRE

WITH DIABETES, GALL STONES,

AND ONE KIDNEY, AM I?

HOLD ON. I AM CONVINCED THERE IS NO GREATER ASSURANCE

OF LONGEVITY IN THIS WORLD

THAN ONE KIDNEY,

GALL STONES, AND DIABETES.

THAT OLD MAN SEEMS TO THRIVE ON ONE KIDNEY!

I'M SURE YOUR WIFE WAS A LOVELY PERSON.

OH, YEAH. SURE, SURE.

YEAH.

DOTTY'S APPEARANCE HAS IMPROVED CONSIDERABLY.

SHE'S IMPROVED ALL AROUND.

WHEN I FIRST MET HER, SHE WAS SUCH A MESS OF COMPLEXES.

PROBABLY FROM LIVING UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS MY FATHER-IN-LAW.

SHE WOULD GET THE VIOLENT SHIVERS

WHENEVER SHE CAME WITHIN TOUCHING DISTANCE OF A POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND.

LOOKS LIKE WE BOTH MARRIED INTO THE SHAKES.

THE NIGHT I MET HER.

THE NIGHT I MET HER, I THOUGHT I HEARD A NOISE

LIKE CASTANETS IN THE DISTANCE.

I THOUGHT SPANISH DANCERS WERE COMING ON.

THEN I NOTICED HER TEETH.

SHE HAD BUCK TEETH AT THE TIME,

AND IT WAS THEM CLASHING TOGETHER UNCONTROLLABLY.

YEAH, SHE HAD THEM CAPPED LATER ON--

AT MY SUGGESTION.

BEFORE THAT, IT WAS LIKE KISSING A ROCK PILE, I SWEAR.

YOU ARE TALKING OUT OF HURT FEELINGS,

HURT PRIDE.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU'RE A VERY SWEET LITTLE GIRL.

¶ IT CAME UPON ¶

¶ THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR ¶

¶ THAT GLORIOUS ¶

¶ SONG OF OLD ¶

¶ FROM ANGELS ¶

¶ BENDING NEAR THE EARTH ¶

¶ TO TOUCH THEIR HARPS OF GOLD ¶

MR. BATES.

YEAH?

MR. BATES, DON'T YOU THINK I OUGHT TO GO DOWNTOWN

AND CHECK INTO A HOTEL ROOM?

¶ THE WORLD IN SOLEMN STILLNESS LAY ¶

WELL, UH--

¶ ...THE ANGELS SING ¶

UH, I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.

YOU GET THE THINGS, SUSIE.

I'LL WAIT HERE.

¶ WITH PAINFUL STEPS SO SLOW ¶

¶ LOOK, NOW ¶

¶ FOR GLAD AND GOLDEN HOURS ¶

¶ COME SWIFTLY ¶

¶ ON THE WING ¶

¶ GO REST BESIDE ¶

¶ THE WEARY ROAD ¶

¶ AND HEAR THE ANGELS SING ¶

¶ FOR, LO, THE DAYS ARE HASTENING ON ¶

¶ BY PROPHET BARDS FORETOLD ¶

¶ WHEN WITH THE EVER-CIRCLING YEARS ¶

¶ COMES 'ROUND THE AGE OF GOLD ¶

WOULD YOU ALL LIKE TO COME IN HAVE SOMETHING TO WARM YOU UP?

OH, NO. I DON'T THINK SO, THANK YOU JUST THE SAME.

YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME IF YOU'D LIKE TO.

WELL, MAYBE JUST ONE, HUH? ALRIGHT, COME ON.

JUST ONE CAN'T DO US NO HARM.

EVEN IF GEORGE DOES COME BACK,

HE SHOULDN'T FIND ME HERE...

LIKE A CHECKED PACKAGE WAITING TO BE CLAIMED.

'CAUSE ONCE YOU'VE LOST YOUR PRIDE, WHAT HAV--

I TOLD YOU!

OH.

HEY, COME ON IN, BRIDEGROOM.

THAT DOOR AIN'T LOCKED.

HA! I TOLD YOU.

COME ON IN, BOY! THAT DOOR AIN'T LOCKED.

OH, SUSIE.

WELL, COME ON IN.

GOOD EVENING, MR. BATES.

GOOD EVENING. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

THEY SENT ME OVER FOR THE CHILD'S SANTA CLAUS.

OH, THEY DID, DID THEY?

WELL, NOW, YOU GO RIGHT BACK,

AND YOU TELL MY WIFE AND HER FOLKS

THE CHILD'S SANTA CLAUS IS STAYING RIGHT HERE

TILL THE CHILD COMES FOR IT!

THAT I WON'T BE HERE TOMORROW,

BUT THE CHILD'S SANTA CLAUS'LL BE,

YOU GOT THAT, SUSIE?

YES, MR. BATES.

YEAH, AND I WISH A MERRY CHRISTMAS

TO ONE AND ALL, SUSIE!

WELL, DIG THAT, WILL YOU?

SENDING THE MAID TO GET THE KID'S STUFF.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT FOR A FAKE?

THEY WANNA KNOW WHAT I'M UP TO.

THEY'RE CONFUSED BECAUSE I HAVEN'T COME CRAWLING!

THEY GONNA BE MORE CONFUSED

WHEN THEY HEAR I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE-- WHICH I'M GONNA DO!

I KNEW IT WASN'T GEORGE.

THING IS, I HAVEN'T GOT ANY CASH.

I HAVEN'T A BUCK IN THE WORLD,

EXCEPT WHAT I PUT INTO THE...

WHAT I PUT INTO THIS HOUSE.

SUSIE,

WHAT DID HE SAY?

MR. BATES?

HE SAID JUNIOR'S STUFF IS ALL UNDER THE TREE,

AND IT'LL BE THERE TOMORROW, UH, BUT HE WON'T BE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DID HE MEAN?

W-WAS HE PACKING?

OH, NO, MA'AM, HE WASN'T PACKING.

MRS. BATES, WE BETTER BE GETTING BACK TO THE CAR, HUH?

IT'S AWFUL COLD OUT HERE, AND I...

SMOKE?

HI, BOY. HOW ARE YOU?

IF THAT'S SOME GIRL, I CAN USE BOTH OF YOU FOR HELP IN THE KITCHEN.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, RALPH?

MY BRIDE-TO-BE'S GIVING ME THE NEEDLE.

YOU'RE LEAVING FOR WHERE?

WELL, I MEAN, IS DOTTY GOING WITH YOU?

OH, GEE, I'M SORRY, KID.

W-W-WHAT?

THEY SPLITTING UP?

HE'S BLOWING TOWN, NEEDS DOUGH.

SAYS WE CAN BUY ANY OF THEIR HOUSEHOLD STUFF CHEAP.

HALF DOWN, AND SETTLE THE REST WITH DOTTY LATER.

POOR GUY.

ASK HIM WHAT MODEL THE WASHING MACHINE IS.

LOOK, RALPH, SUPPOSING I TALK IT OVER WITH CHERYL LYNN

AND CALL YOU BACK.

WELL, NO PRESSURE, MAN.

YEAH. I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

MM-HMM.

I'M FINE, SMOKE.

YEAH.

I'M FEELING NO PAIN.

MM-HMM.

THANK YOU, BOY.

YEP.

WELL...

THAT'S LIFE FOR YOU.

MMM?

I SAID THAT'S LIFE FOR YOU.

WELL...

WHAT IS LIFE FOR US ALL?

WHERE DO WE COME FROM?

WHY?

AND WHERE, OH, WHERE ARE WE GOING?

HUH?

THAT'S WHAT MY PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR

AT BAPTIST COLLEGE USED TO SAY.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT

I'D HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE--

UP UNTIL NOW.

NOW, HONEY, LOOK, YOU'RE ALL TIRED OUT. YOU'RE BUSHED.

I TELL YOU WHAT...

YOU JUST GO IN THERE, AND YOU TAKE DOTTY'S BED, LIE DOWN.

I'LL WATCH THE TV. HMM?

YOU MEAN YOU KNOW NOW THAT GEORGE ISN'T COMING BACK?

MM-MMM. I KNOW NOW THAT DOTTY'S NOT COMING BACK. COME ON.

OH, BUT, MR. BATES, EVEN IF SHE DOES,

I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO FIND A STRANGER IN HER BEDROOM.

FINDING A STRANGER IN YOUR BEDROOM IS FAR FROM BEING

THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF A LIFETIME.

OH.

George: HEY, RALPH-O!

TOLD YOU.

NOW, I TOLD YOU, DIDN'T I?

George: COME OUT HERE! I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU!

HEY, GEORGE! HEY, BOY! HA HA!

HEY?! HEY, WHERE ARE YOU, BOY?!

WHAT? HEY, GEORGE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

YEE-HAH-HAH!

OH, YOU--

YEAH, YOU--OH!

OH, YOU TEXAS JACK RABBIT, MAN.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN?

HOW'S THE DIRTY OLD MAN?

GET HIM, LIVING IN THE SUBURBS LIKE A CITIZEN.

UH-HUH. CHOWDER HEAD.

YOUR WIFE THOUGHT YOU DESERTED HER.

YEAH, WELL--AHEM.

Ralph: COME ON, LET'S SEE THAT UGLY MUG OF YOURS UNDER A LIGHT.

George: YOU'RE LOSING THE BATTLE, FELLA.

WELL, SAME TO YOU IN SPADES!

I'M NOT THAT BAD.

STILL GOT THE OLD JACKET ON?

GOT MY BARS, TOO, SOLDIER.

NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE!

GOT THAT SETTLED-DOWN LOOK, YOU POOR SLOB.

WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? SHE KNOW I WAS COMING, TAKE A POWDER?

PRETTY CLOSE, KID.

SHE UP AND QUIT ME THIS MORNING.

DON'T FRET, DAD, UNLESS YOU'VE LOST YOUR TOUCH

SHE'LL BE BACK WITH BELLS ON.

WELL, HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

George: EVER HEAR ME SAY NO?

Ralph: NO. LIKE SOME SCOTCH?

George: BEER'S FINE.

ONE BEER COMING UP FOR THE BOY.

DIDN'T YOU HAVE A KID?

THE PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE

MIGHT GIVE YOU A CLUE, GEORGE.

Ralph: SHE'S ALREADY MADE HIM A SISSY.

THEY'LL DO IT EVERY TIME.

SHE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AT THE LATEST.

Isabelle: AHEM.

WELL, LET HER.

I WON'T BE HERE.

WELL, THEN COME ON ALONG WITH US.

WE'RE FREE IN THE BREEZE, RIGHT, LITTLE BIT?

I'M THRILLED THAT YOU'RE ASKING MY OPINION, GEORGE, WHICH IS TO NOT INTERFERE

IN SOMETHING ABOUT WHICH YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

CATCH THE FIRST PLANE WEST.

Isabelle: GO TO THE CAR, GET MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG?

WILL YOU PLEASE GET MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG?

PLEASE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD IN MIND?

Isabelle: GEORGE?

HONG KONG.

MISS LOTUS BLOSSOM IN THE PAVILION OF JOY.

I NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD, LEAST NOT SINCE.

GEORGE?

ALRIGHT, I'LL GET IT MYSELF!

I'LL GO OUT AND GET IT MYSELF!

BOY, YOU AND ME GOT A LOT TO TALK OVER.

LEAVING.

OOH!

OH! OW!

OHH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BORN IN A BARN!

I DIDN'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT YOU, EITHER!

MR. BATES...

THE GENTLEMAN THAT I MARRIED,

REFUSES TO GET MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG OUT OF THE CAR

OR EVEN TO UNLOCK THE DOOR, SO I CAN GET IT MYSELF.

ISABEL, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK.

GEORGE, MAY I SPEAK TO YOU ALONE FOR A MOMENT?

PLEASE?!

GO ON. COME ON. GO ON.

OHH.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT?!

I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN BE PRESENT

FOR ALL THE ATTENTION I'VE BEEN PAID

SINCE THIS TENDER REUNION STARTED.

AREN'T YOU BEING JUST A LITTLE UNREASONABLE?

IS IT UNREASONABLE TO WANT TO BE TREATED AS IF I LIVED, EXISTED?!

IS THIS IGNORING ME ANY BASIS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE?

WHAT ABOUT MY SLEEPING IN A CHAIR ALL NIGHT, IS THAT A GOOD BASIS?!

YOU SLEPT THERE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO DRUNK TO GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR!

AFTER BULLYING ME ALL DAY LONG

AND THEN DRAGGING ME OFF TO THE OLD MAN RIVER MOTEL.

THAT--THAT PAVILION OF JOY!

00 IN THE MORNING!

I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING ELSE!

CIGARETTES AND LIPSTICK ALL IN THE ASHTRAY.

AND YOU STANDING THERE STARK, STARING NAKED

LIKE A SAVAGE, YELLING--YELLING,

"TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF BEFORE I RIP THEM OFF!"

SHH. WILL YOU SIMMER DOWN?

WE'RE NOT ALONE, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE ALL GOING THROUGH

A PERFECTLY NATURAL LITTLE PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT.

THAT'S ALL.

YOU SEE, I TOLD HER THAT THERE WAS NOTH--

WHAT?! OH. YOU! YOU BEEN TALKING!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE BEEN DOING, GEORGE,

WHILE YOU'VE BEEN GONE IN THAT INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE

YOU HAVE FOR A CAR?!

JUST AN ADJUSTMENT PERIOD THAT NEEDS--

ADJUSTMENT TO WHAT, MR. BATES, HUMILIATION?

NO, THANK YOU!

WHY, MR. BATES, COULD I ASK YOU ONE LAST FAVOR?

MM-HMM.

COULD I TAKE A HOT SHOWER IN YOUR SWEET LITTLE BATHROOM

BEFORE I GO DOWNTOWN AND CHECK INTO A HOTEL?

BECAUSE I'M FEELING VERY--

I'M NOT GOING DOWNTOWN!

I'M NOT CHECKING IN TO ANY HOTEL!

WHY, GEORGE,

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I AM CHECKING IN AT A HOTEL!

HEY, HEY. NO, NO. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT NOW.

LET HER GO, RALPH!

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR BREATH!

YEAH,

AND I'M SQUANDERING YOUR BEER.

GEORGE...

GEORGE, IF YOU WILL HAVE THE DECENCY

TO GO OUT INTO THE CAR

AND GET MY LITTLE BLUE ZIPPER BAG--

WHICH I DOUBT--

I WILL GIVE YOU A TRANQUILIZER.

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. I'LL GET TRANQUIL SO FAST,

IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SWIM.

GO ON, GET UNDER YOUR HOT SHOWER--

WON'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. 100 SHOWERS WOULDN'T WARM YOU UP!

1,000 HOT SHOWERS!

IF YOU'D JUST GIVE EACH OTHER A LITTLE SMILE--

YOU ARE A COARSE PERSON, GEORGE.

VERY COARSE.

I ONLY WISH YOU'D GIVEN ME

A HINT OF YOUR TRUE NATURE BEFORE WE--

WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR TRUE NATURE?!

DID I DISGUISE MY NATURE?

YOU SURE DID!

YOU DIDN'T PUT THE FREEZE ON ME

AT BELVEDERE GENERAL HOSPITAL.

SHE WAS MY NIGHT NURSE

AT BELVEDERE GENERAL HOSPITAL,

AND USED TO GIVE ME ALCOHOL RUBDOWNS AT BEDTIME.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUDE?

SHE STROKED AND PETTED ON ME

LIKE SHE HAD ON A PAIR OF SILK GLOVES.

IT WAS MY JOB! I HAD TO!

SHE HAD--

REMEMBER THOSE DOLLS IN KOREA USED TO WEAR SILK GLOVES?

WELL, SHE COULD HAVE GIVEN THEM LESSONS.

I DID NOT TOUCH YOUR BODY, EXCEPT AS A NURSE...

HIRED TO DO IT!

I DID NOT TOUCH YOUR BIG, OLD...

LECHEROUS BODY!

HOW DO YOU GIVE ME A RUBDOWN

WITHOUT TOUCHING ON MY BODY?

NOW, KIDS. KIDS, LOOK...

...WITHOUT TOUCHING A PART OF THEIR BODY?

HE'S MAKING OUT I SEDUCED HIM

WHILE I WAS HIS NURSE!

NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT! NO, I JUST SAID...

LOOK, GO ON IN THERE.

SAY A FEW TENDER, LOVING WORDS TO HER, HUH?

NO. HOW CAN I? NOT WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S EATING HER.

GO GET HER BAG.

Isabelle: I WANT MY DADDY!

YOU WANNA HEAR THAT ALL NIGHT?

GO ON.

OH.

HEY.

HEY, COME ON NOW, HMM?

NOW, WE DON'T WANNA DO THAT, DO WE?

HMM?

OH.

IT...

IT ISN'T THAT I'M PRUDISH, MR. BATES.

IT'S JUST...

IT'S JUST THAT...

MOST MEN THINK...

THINK THAT GIRLS IN THE NURSING PROFESSION

ARE SHOCKPROOF.

AND I'M NOT.

DO YOU ALWAYS SAY MISTER TO MEN?

HMM?

YES, I DO...

TILL I KNOW THEM.

I WISH YOU'D SAY RALPH TO ME

LIKE YOU KNEW ME.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT GEORGE.

IT'S GONNA SURPRISE YOU.

OH, NOTHING COULD SURPRISE ME, MR. BATES.

YOU SAW HIM OUT THERE. YOU--YOU OBSERVED HIM.

MM-HMM. YEAH. NOW, I OBSERVED HIM THROUGH A WHOLE WAR--

AT WHICH THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE TO OBSERVE.

YOU SEE--YOU SEE TO HIM,

MOST GUYS IN THE ARMY TALK.

YOU'D THINK THEY WERE WILD BULLS TO WOMEN--

SPARE THEM NO MERCY.

AND GEORGE WAS NO EXCEPTION.

ONLY ACCORDING TO HIS STORY,

HE WAS THE WILDEST WILD BULL OF THEM ALL.

YES.

BUT QUITE A FEW DOLLS IN HONG KONG AND KOREA,

THEY TELL A DIFFERENT STORY.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D DO IN THOSE, UH,

UH, TEAHOUSES?

YEAH, I CAN IMAGINE.

HUP. YOU'RE WRONG. SEE? YOU'RE WRONG.

HE WAS SORRY FOR THOSE GIRLS.

HE'D SIT UP THERE ON A PILLOW DRINKING RICE WINE

AND TEACHING THEM ENGLISH.

THEN HE'D COME DOWN AND SHOUT

"OH, MAN. OH, BROTHER,"

LIKE HE LAID THEM TO WASTE.

WELL, THAT CERTAINLY WAS NOT HIS BEHAVIOR

AT THE OLD MAN RIVER MOTEL.

HEY, COME ON NOW, BABY.

RALPH, YOU KNOW,

THERE IS SUCH A TENDER ATMOSPHERE

IN YOUR LITTLE HOUSE.

ESPECIALLY IN THIS LITTLE BEDROOM.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, YOU CAN ALMOST BREATHE

THE TENDER ATMOSPH--AAH!

GEO--

HEY, GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE, BOY?

WHAT'S THIS HEART-TO-HEART TALK GOING ON HERE?

GEORGE!

NOW, WHAT'S A MATTER?

ALL MY PERFUME'S IN THAT BAG.

A $25 BOTTLE OF VOL-DE-NUIT.

OH, THANK HEAVEN FOR MR. BATES.

YEAH, HE'S A DOLL.

COME ON, DOLL, LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

IT'S POSSIBLE

THAT MR. BATES ENJOYS TALKING TO ME, GEORGE!

IT IS JUST POSSIBLE!

NOW, NOW, HONEY.

HONEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

YOU JUST FRESHEN UP IN THERE. I'LL TALK TO HIM.

WELL?

BOY, YOU SURE DID SOMETHING TO SHOCK HER.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

I TRIED TO SLEEP WITH HER. OH-HO, BOY.

I MEAN, I NEVER HAD A WOMAN PUT THE FREEZE ON ME BEFORE.

I KNOW. YOU'VE JUST HAD USED WOMEN UP TILL NOW.

THIS ONE'S UNUSED.

THAT MAKES A PROBLEM COMES HER WEDDING NIGHT,

DON'T YOU UNDER--

YEAH, WELL, SHE CAN STAY UNUSED

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

NOW, LOOK, GEORGE, THAT'S A NICE LITTLE GIRL IN THERE.

IF YOU QUIT HOLLERING, GIVE HER A SQUEEZE--

FORGET IT, RALPH!

BOY, THAT KID OF YOURS SURE HAS IT MADE.

I MEAN, THIS IS VERY HIGH-CLASS LOOT.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS, RALPH?

IT'S A ROCKET LAUNCHER.

ARMY'S GONNA START MAKING IT NEXT MONTH, I HEAR.

YEAH.

WELL, I'D LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

LITTLE GIRLS ARE JUST NATURALLY CRAZY

ABOUT THEIR DADDIES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING...

PROVE ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW?

HEY, FOOTBALL!

RALPH! HUP. HERE, BOY.

I'M IN THE END ZONE.

HERE YOU GO!

HIT ME! WHOO!

OW. OOF.

GETTING OUT OF SHAPE.

I KNOW MY KID LIKES ME, AND I LIKE HIM.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE TO SEE THEM

MAKING HIM A SISSY.

SCARED THE KIDS WILL LAUGH AT HIM,

AND HE'LL GET HURT.

THINGS ARE REALLY ON THE SKIDS, HUH?

WELL...

WHEN YOU MARRY A WOMAN THE WAY I DID DOTTY--

FOR HER OLD MAN'S DOUGH--

YOU HAVE COMMITTED THE ACT OF A LOUSE, BOY.

YOU'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

NO KIDDING?

MM-HMM. YEAH.

DOTTY DOESN'T KNOW IT.

I'VE WORKED DAMN HARD TO KEEP HER FROM KNOWING.

ON ACCOUNT OF HER...

CARING ABOUT ME.

BUT FACT IS, SHE DOESN'T ANYMORE...

OR SHE WOULD'VE STUCK BY ME WHEN I QUIT.

SHE'D BE HERE RIGHT NOW ASKING ME NOT TO GO AWAY,

WOULDN'T SHE?

IF HE CARED ANYTHING ABOUT YOU,

WHY ISN'T HE HERE NOW BEGGING YOU TO COME BACK?

YOU HEARD THAT GIRL, THAT CHERYL LYNN. BELIEVE ME,

WE'RE LUCKY SHE'S SUCH A BIG-MOUTH, BUSYBODY

SHE HAD TO BREAK THE NEWS.

IS RALPH BATES PINING AWAY ABOUT YOU?

NO, HE'S SELLING YOUR THINGS.

TRYING TO RAISE CASH SO HE CAN GET AWAY FAST.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT. AFTER ALL HE'S DONE TO ME,

TRYING TO SNEAK AWAY LIKE A THIEF.

IF YOU ASK ME, HE'S MOVING TOO FAST.

IT'S FISHY.

DOTTY...

THE WIFE IS ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW,

BUT HAVE YOU GOT ANY REASON

TO SUSPECT THERE'S ANOTHER WOMAN?

THERE'S NO OTHER WOMAN. THAT AIN'T THE PROBLEM.

THAT ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

DAMN RIGHT.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS

I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET DOTTY MARRY HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I BLAME MYSELF.

FORGET ABOUT HIM, HONEY.

YOU DON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE.

YOU'VE GOT THE BOY NOW.

YOU'VE GOT ME--

US--

THAT CARE ABOUT YOU.

THAT MAN DON'T LOVE YOU, AND YOU KNOW IT!

I CAN IMAGINE NOTHING WORSE THAN LIVING WITH A PERSON YOU KNOW DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

IT MIGHT BE EVEN WORSE FOR THE OTHER PERSON.

I JUST THOUGHT...

I'M TIRED.

I THINK I'LL GO TO BED.

DOTTY.

RALPH, YOU SERIOUS ABOUT CUTTING OUT OF HERE?

MM-HMM.

THEN COME ON ALONG TO TEXAS.

PICK US UP A PIECE OF RANCHLAND AND RAISE A HERD OF CATTLE.

WHAT, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR M--

AHH.

DON'T YOU LOOK PRETTY.

MMM!

I FEEL MUCH BETTER. REFRESHED.

MM-HMM.

GEORGE?

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HOW DO I--YEAH.

WELL...UH...

I--I BETTER C-CALL AND...

AND GET MYSELF A HOTEL ROOM... HADN'T I?

I TOLD YOU, RALPH, LET HER GO!

OH, NO, MR. BOWERS!

NO, NO! DON'T SELL ME TO HER! UH-UH.

RALPH THINKS IF I-- IF I SEDUCE YOU,

THE WAY YOU CLAIM I ALREADY DID AT BELVEDERE--

THAT ALL OUR PROBLEMS WOULD BE OVER.

NOW, HONEY, I DIDN'T SAY--

NO. I DON'T THINK THAT SEX SOLVES ANYTHING.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

ANY MORE THAN LIQUOR DOES.

SHE DOESN'T DRINK, EITHER.

I DON'T THINK THE FUNCTIONS OF A WIFE

SHOULD BE CONFUSED WITH THE SORT OF WOMEN AVAILABLE

IN THE ARMY CAMPS IN OCCUPIED TERRITORIES.

SHE MEANS HOOKERS. SHE KNOWS ALL ABOUT THEM, TOO.

CAN'T YOU TWO STOP MURDERING EACH OTHER, HUH?

I GUESS NOT.

I...I GUESS WE'RE JUST OPPOSITE TYPES.

YEP...OPPOSITE TYPES.

I WANT TO CALL MY DADDY.

MR. BATES-- OH, UH, RALPH,

CAN I CALL MY FATHER... UH, COLLECT?

SURE, SURE, HONEY,

BUT WHY UPSET THE OLD MAN CHRISTMAS EVE?

OH! OH, I WON'T!

I JUST WANT TO TELL HIM THAT-- THAT I LOVE HIM...

AND I MISS HIM.

George: GO ON! GO ON! AND I'LL PAY FOR IT!

Isabel: I'D LIKE TO CALL SWEETWATER, TEXAS, 07...

THAT GIRL NEEDS YOU. NOW, GO ON. BE NICE TO HER.

WHY? SHE HASN'T GOT THE INCURABLE SHAKES. I HAVE.

OH, I--I JUST HOPE I CAN STOP CRYING FOR DADDY'S SAKE.

Isabel: OH, YES, OPERATOR, I'LL--WHAT?

DADDY!

OH! OH, PRECIOUS DADDY!

I CAN'T--CAN'T TALK!

I CAN'T TALK!

I CAN'T TALK!

I CAN'T TALK!

HI, POP! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

NO, NO. THIS ISN'T GEORGE. THIS IS A BUDDY OF HIS.

UH, ISABEL WANTS TO TELL YOU HOW HAPPY SHE IS,

BUT SHE'S JUST BROKE UP WITH EMOTION.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, POP. NEWLYWEDS.

THEY'RE JUST NATURALLY FULL OF EMOTION, YEAH.

THEY GOTTA GO THROUGH THIS LITTLE PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT BETWEEN THEM.

OH, FINE! YEAH, YEAH, SHE'S FINE.

SHE'LL TALK TO YOU AS SOON AS SHE BLOWS HER NOSE. UH-HUH.

HONEY, HONEY, YOUR DADDY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU. NOW, GO ON.

DA-AA-AAH!

POP! UH, LISTEN, NOW, YOU TALK TO HER, POP.

SHE'S TOO SHOOK UP TO TALK BACK. UH-HUH.

HONEY, HONEY, COME ON, NOW.

COME ON, NOW.

DADDY?

UH, OH, HOW ARE YOU, DADDY?

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL!

I'M FINE, TOO.

UH-HUH. YES, I GOT MARRIED YESTERDAY.

YESTERDAY.

OH. UH, HOW'S MOM?

OH.

JUST THE SAME?

OH. DADDY?

I MAY BE SEEING YOU SOON.

NO, I GAVE UP MY NURSING JOB WHEN I GOT MARRIED...

SO I HAVE LOTS OF FREE TIME NOW.

AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH, DADDY.

I--I JUST MAY SUDDENLY POP IN ON YOU.

TOMORROW!

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

UH...DADDY!

Isabel: OH, WHAT A SWEET LITTLE ANIMAL!

OH!

OH, RALPH, WHAT IS THIS LITTLE ANIMAL'S NAME?

THE ANIMAL IS A DOG!

I KNOW IT'S A DOG!

WHY DON'T YOU CALL IT A DOG?!

ITS NAME IS BESSIE.

YOU WANNA GO FOR A LITTLE WALK WITH ME?

OH, RALPH, IT SAYS YES.

YEAH? IT MUST BE DESPERATE IF IT'S WILLING TO GO OUT IN THE SNOW.

YOU ALWAYS DID WANT A DOG.

I STILL DO.

BESSIE HAS TO SLEEP WITH A NIGHT-LIGHT ON

BEING AFRAID OF THE DARK.

COME ON, BOY. LET'S GO, STRONG HEART.

UH, MY COAT.

UH, COAT.

Isabel: HELLO, LITTLE DOGGY.

OH, YES...

WAIT A MINUTE.

WEE, WEE, WEE, WEE.

OH, YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET THING. YES, YOU ARE.

OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SHEARED BEAVER.

IS THAT YOUR WIFE'S CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

IT WAS.

HERE. HERE, PUT IT ON. PUT IT ON.

OH, WELL, I COULDN'T WEAR IT.

NOT IN THE SNOW!

WHY NOT? SOME BEAVER DID. COME ON.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, BESSIE.

COME ON, HONEY.

OH, COME ON.

IF YOU PASS ANY OTHER DOGS, DON'T STOP.

IT'S AFRAID OF DOGS, TOO.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO CATCH UP WITH HER, HUH? PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HER--

WHAT'S THE USE, RALPH? YOU HEARD HER. WE'RE OPPOSITE TYPES.

NO. SON, ANY TWO PEOPLE ARE OPPOSITE TYPES, ESPECIALLY A WOMAN.

FORGET IT, RALPH.

MY MIND'S ON SOMETHING

THAT CATTLE RANCH IN SAN ANTONE.

COME ON, RALPH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT'LL WE USE FOR MONEY?

WHAT'LL WE USE FOR MONEY?

ANY BANK IN WEST TEXAS.

SEE, MY FOLKS STAKED OUT WEST TEXAS.

THE NAME OF THE FIRST GEORGE HAVERSTICK

IS ENGRAVED ON THE MEMORIAL

TO THE ALAMO HEROES IN SAN ANTONE.

I MEAN, THERE IS NO BETTER CREDIT CARD IN TEXAS

THAN AN ANCESTOR'S NAME ON THAT MEMORIAL...

PLUS MY CADILLAC LIMOUSINE.

THERE'S NO RALPH BATES ON THAT ALAMO MEMORIAL.

RALPH, YOU WERE A HERO OF THE LAST WAR.

WHO REMEMBERS THE LAST WAR, MAN?

THEY'RE TOO BUSY ON THE NEXT ONE.

ANYWAY, WHY CATTLE? HUH?

THE TEXAS LONGHORN ISN'T JUST CATTLE.

IT'S A... A DIGNIFIED BEAST.

SON, THE TEXAS LONGHORN IS NOT ONLY DIGNIFIED,

IT IS PRACTICALLY OBSOLETE, BOY.

MAN, IT IS HISTORICAL.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T RAISE IT JUST FOR-- FOR A POT ROAST.

THEN WHAT DO WE RAISE IT FOR? KICKS?

RALPH, YOU GOT TV, RIGHT?

MM-HMM. I GOT TV, BOY, AND IT'S GOT ME.

THERE!

A WESTERN EVEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

WHY, IT'S A NATIONAL OBSESSION.

BUT, RALPH, YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE,

OUTSIDE THAT CAMERA RANGE?

A BIG OL' PAINTED SIGN THAT SAYS,

"THE HAVERSTICK BATES RANCH.

WE BREED CATTLE FOR TV WESTERNS."

WE GET RICH, RALPH, AND WE'LL LIVE LIKE MEN.

UNDER THE DIGNIFIED SKY OF WEST TEXAS.

YES, AND THERE IS DIGNITY IN THAT SKY.

AND IN THE...

IN THE PASTORAL WAY OF EXISTENCE,

A DIGNITY THAT'S TOO LONG LOST.

THAT'S WHAT I'M AFTER.

I WANT TO BE DIGNIFIED, TOO, GEORGE, HONEST.

HA HA HA!

I JUST DON'T WANT TO CROSS A PASTURE ONE FINE MORNING

AND CATCH ME A KEISTERFUL OF TEXAS LONGHORN.

THAT WOULDN'T BE DIGNIFIED.

SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!

YOU TV-WATCHING, CANNED-BEER-DRINKING,

SPANISH- SUBURBAN-TYPE JERK.

I WISH I'D NEVER COME HERE...

'CAUSE I CHERISHED THE MEMORY OF YOU,

AND WHEN YOU OPENED THAT DOOR--

WHEN YOU OPENED THAT DOOR, I SAW A TRAVESTY ON THAT MEMORY,

A NEGATIVE, MIDDLE-AGED SQUARE LOST--

HEY, HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK I SAW?

A YOUNG MAN I USED TO KNOW WITH AN OLD MAN'S AFFLICTION,

THAT'S WHAT I SAW.

THANK YOU.

I SURE DO APPRECIATE THAT.

OH, MAN, OH, BROTHER.

I SURE DO APPRECIATE THAT.

SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED TO YOU, OLD BUDDY!

YOU TURNED VICIOUS.

Carolers: ¶ ...LET NOTHING YOU DISMAY ¶

¶ REMEMBER CHRIST OUR SAVIOR WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY ¶

¶ TO SAVE US ALL FROM SATAN'S POWER ¶

¶ WHEN WE WERE GONE ASTRAY ¶

¶ O TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY, COMFORT AND JOY ¶

¶ O TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY ¶

¶ IN BETHLEHEM IN JEWRY THIS BLESSED BABE WAS BORN ¶

¶ AND LAID WITHIN A MANGER UPON THIS HOLY MORN ¶

HEY, GEORGE.

HEY. COME ON, BUDDY.

BOY, TO RIDICULE AN AFFLICTION LIKE MINE, YOU KNOW THAT'S VICIOUS.

YOU RIDICULE MY AFFLICTION.

WHAT AFFLICTION?

I LIVE IN A SPANISH-TYPE STUCCO COTTAGE

IN A HIGH POINT OVER A CAVERN.

THAT IS AN AFFLICTION, BOY.

SOMEWHERE THE DREAM... OR THE...

OH, MAN.

OH, I WISH I COULD BE THE FIRST MAN ON THE MOON...

OR MARS OR VENUS.

TRANSPORTED AND TRANSPLANTED,

THE ADAM ON A STAR IN A DIFFERENT GALAXY.

HUH. HMM.

IT'S WONDERFUL KNOWING THAT SUCH A THING IS NO LONGER INCONCEIVABLE.

BOY, YOU'RE TALKING OUT OF CHARACTER, DAD.

YOU'RE A DEDICATED CONFORMIST, THE SQUARE'S SQUARE,

THE MOST EARTHBOUND EARTHMAN ON EARTH.

WELL, IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

Carolers: ¶ ...COMFORT AND JOY ¶

THAT WAS MIGHTY FINE, GENTLEMEN, MIGHTY FINE.

WHY DON'T YOU'LL COME AND HAVE A LITTLE DRINK?

I DON'T THINK WE DO THAT.

C'MON, IT'S COLD OUT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUST ONE?

REMEMBER, JUST ONE, NOW.

YOU TWISTED MY ARM.

HOW ABOUT YOU, LITTLE LADY?

NO, THANK YOU. I DON'T DRINK.

I'M SORRY.

BUT MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HOPE YOUR WIFE DOESN'T GET LOST.

THAT DOGGY KNOWS THE WAY HOME.

IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU DON'T KNOW THE DOG EITHER.

YOU SEE, RALPH? RALPH?

HMM?

YOU SEE, YOU CHOSE YOUR AFFLICTION,

MARRIED INTO THEM, SO TO SPEAK.

MINE JUST COME ON ME, MY SHAKES.

BUT I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED

IN THE AWFUL IMPLICATIONS OF AN AFFLICTION LIKE MINE.

SURE I'M INTERESTED, GEORGE.

WELL, SUPPOSE IT NEVER LETS UP.

I MEAN, SUPPOSE I SHAKE ALL MY LIFE.

I MEAN, AT ALL MOMENTS OF CRISIS.

AND BESIDES CAREERWISE, THERE ARE OTHER ASPECTS OF MY LIFE

THAT IT COULD AFFECT...

LIKE...MY LOVE LIFE.

AW, NOW, WAS THAT IT?

WAS WHAT WHAT?

WAS THAT THE PROBLEM BETWEEN YOU AND HER?

YOU WERE SCARED THE SHAKES MIGHT AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE

SO YOU MIGHTN'T MAKE THE SCENE?

WAS THAT-- WAS THAT THE PROBLEM?

NO! I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

I NEVER HAD THAT PROBLEM.

NO?

NO!

WHY, DO YOU HAVE THAT PROBLEM?

SURE. EVERY NOW AND THEN.

WELL, NOT ME!

YOU KNOW ME, OLD BUILT-IN EVEREADY BATTERY.

YEAH. I UNDERSTAND.

DON'T YOU BE SO DAMN UNDERSTANDING, RALPH!

HEY, THERE'S A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

LET'S BREAK IT OPEN.

COME ON, BOY. COME ON, BOY.

WELL, YOU ARE A SQUARE, BUT A DECENT SQUARE.

Ralph and George: ¶ BLESS 'EM ALL ¶

¶ THE LONG AND THE SHORT AND THE TALL ¶

¶ AND THE TALL ¶

¶ BLESS ALL THE BLONDIES AND THE BRUNETTES ¶

¶ EACH LAD IS HAPPY TO TAKE WHAT HE GETS ¶

¶ OH, BLESS 'EM ALL ¶

HEY! HA!

AND THEY--AND THEY CALLED HER MISS DORA SHAKING-CHIN

FROM THAT DAY ON.

HA HA HA!

WELL, OLD DORA DIDN'T SHAKE ANY MORE THAN I DID THAT DAY,

NOT THAT I WASN'T SCARED EVERY DAY IN KOREA, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

I WASN'T.

COME ON, OLD BUDDY.

I WAS NOT SCARED IN KOREA.

GEORGE, NOW, WHEN ARE YOU AND A MILLION OTHER GUYS IN THIS COUNTRY

GOING TO GET OVER THE IDEA

THAT A REAL HE-MAN IS A BIG, LOUDMOUTH APE?

GNASHING HIS TEETH AT THE WORLD, LOOKING FOR A FIGHT?

IN OTHER WORDS, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA STOP PLAYING SUPERMAN, BOY?

IT SURE AIN'T DOING YOU ANY GOOD.

LIKE THE WAY YOU ACT WITH YOUR WIFE.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE!

WELL, YOU BETTER TALK ABOUT HER, BOY.

YOU BETTER GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT, NOW,

OR YOU'RE GONNA END UP GEORGE HAVERSTICK THE LAST...

OBSOLETE.

MAN, A WOMAN IS A HUMAN BEING, JUST LIKE US.

A VULNERABLE CREATURE THAT NEEDS KINDNESS AND TENDERNESS,

JUST LIKE US.

MAYBE YOU NEED IT, BUT, UH, I DON'T.

YOU NEED IT, SON. YOU JUST THINK SUPERMAN SHOULDN'T.

I KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG BETWEEN YOU TWO AS IF I SAW IT ALL ON TV.

OH, YOU'RE THE EXPERT, HUH? THE HEADSHRINKER.

ALRIGHT, NOW, LISTEN. NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

NOW, LOOK, NOW.

THERE SHE IS, RIGHT? A NEW BRIDE.

SHE'S NERVOUS, AND SHE'S SCARED,

TURNING TO YOU FOR THAT KINDNESS AND TENDERNESS WE JUST TALKED ABOUT,

BUT YOU'RE 10 TIMES AS SCARED AS SHE IS.

SCARED? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCARED? SCARED OF WHAT?

THE SAME THING YOU'VE BEEN SCARED OF

THAT SOMEONE'S GONNA FIND OUT YOU'RE NOT THE BIGGEST

OR THE TOUGHEST OR THE BEST OR EVEN THE GREATEST LOVER OF ALL TIME,

THE ONE WITH THE BUILT-IN EVEREADY BATTERY, WHICH NO ONE IS.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT, MY FRIEND,

BUT ON THAT PARTICULAR SUBJECT,

EVERYBODY'S GOT TO SPEAK FOR HIMSELF.

OH, NOW, COME ON, NOW.

NOW, YOU KNOW I CAN SPEAK FOR YOU, FRIEND.

I SAT THROUGH ENOUGH BULL SESSIONS IN KOREA

LISTENING TO YOU SWAP LIES

HOW MANY, HOW OFTEN, HOW GREAT.

ONLY THEN YOU'D GO UPSTAIRS AND SIT ON STRAW MATS WITH THOSE DOLLS,

DRINKING RICE WINE AND TEACHING THEM ENGLISH.

WHICH ONE OF THEM TOLD YOU THAT?

WHICH ONE? EVERY ONE.

YOU JUST SAT UP THERE DRINKING SAKE AND TEACHING THEM ENGLISH UNTIL--

RALPH, I OUGHT TO BUST YOU ONE!

WHY?

MAN. I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE NOT A "CASH ON THE LINE,

I'LL PAY FOR IT, TAKE IT" GUY.

THAT'S ALL.

IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, GEORGE.

RALPH?

YEAH?

I NEVER TOLD YOU BACK THERE, BUT...

WELL, YOU SEE, I HAD ME THIS LITTLE GIRL ON THE SIDE.

AW, NO, MAN.

LOOK, NOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FABRICATE

SOME KIND OF SIGN OR A FANTASY JUST FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT BIG SPRINGS, TEXAS?

I MEAN, YOU NEVER GOT ANYWHERE WITH THOSE CHICKS

UNTIL I FIXED YOU UP. ADMIT IT, GO ON!

NOW, DON'T GET SORE. DON'T GET SORE.

SURE, WOMEN LIKE YOU. EVERYBODY LIKES YOU. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

I LIKE YOU.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU SHAKING YOURSELF TO PIECES.

AND I GOT A HUNCH THIS VERY SUBJECT IS WHAT'S CAUSING YOUR SHAKES, BOY.

THE DOCTORS AT THE BELVEDERE GENERAL HOSPITAL,

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SHAKE, BUT YOU DO?

I KNOW ONE THING. I KNOW ANY GUY THAT GOES THROUGH LIFE

TELLING HIMSELF AND EVERYBODY ELSE HE'S SUPERMAN,

BOY, HAS GOT TO SHAKE.

'CAUSE THERE IS NO SUPERMAN.

HE'S JUST A CHARACTER IN THE FUNNY PAPERS. THAT'S ALL, GEORGE.

AND YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT, BOY. YOU'RE REAL.

IT'S ALRIGHT TO HAVE NEEDS AND WEAKNESSES.

YOU WAS SCARED IN THE WAR.

IT ISN'T A LIMOUSINE, MAN. IT'S A HEARSE.

YOU DO NEED TENDERNESS.

NOW, IF YOU'LL ADMIT IT, YOU CAN GET IT.

YOU WEREN'T SUPERMAN WHEN THAT GIRL FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

YOU WERE FLAT ON YOUR BACK, BOY, WITH THE SHAKES.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE RANCH.

OH, NO, NO, MAN. LET'S TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE.

NO! NOW, I DON'T WANT A LECTURE ON MARRIAGE

FROM A MAN SPENDING CHRISTMAS EVE WITH A COCKER SPANIEL DOG!

HEY.

THE DOG IS BACK. HOW COME?

DOGGY JUST COME BACK, THAT'S ALL.

OH, BROTHER!

OH, BOY!

IS SHE OUT THERE, BOY?

Isabel: I BROUGHT THE DOG BACK.

UH, WE...WE...

YOU WERE AWFUL QUIET IN THERE, HONEY.

OH, WELL, I WAS FRESHENING UP IN YOUR SWEET LITTLE BATHROOM.

WELL, YOU... YOU STILL WANT ME TO GET THAT HOTEL ROOM FOR YOU?

HEY, NOW, COME ON. NEVER MIND THAT, NOW, HUH?

NOW, WHAT WE NEED IS A LITTLE FOOD.

NOW, WHY DON'T WE JUST GO ON DOWN AND...

SHH.

SHH.

MY IN-LAWS.

MAY THEIR TRIBE DECREASE.

GET THE THINGS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND PUT THEM IN THE CAR.

WATCH OUT YOU DON'T SLIP.

THIS IS BATES' DRIVEWAY. IF SHE SLIPS, SHE CAN SUE. I'LL HELP HER.

OH, I'M GLAD THEY CAME.

LET'S HAVE IT OUT IN THE OPEN.

CARDS RIGHT ON THE TABLE.

WHY DON'T I GO TO THE KITCHEN?

WILL YOU JUST GET IN HERE WHILE I GET THROUGH WITH THIS HASSLE? HUH?

YOU JUST GET UNDER HIS BED.

THEY WANT TROUBLE, THEY'RE GONNA GET TROUBLE!

WHY DON'T YOU CALM DOWN, TAKE IT EASY!

RELAX, BOY! RELAX. JUST SIT THERE.

JUST SIT THERE AND RELAX. JUST KEEP CALM. RELAX, BOY.

THAT'S IT.

LET THEM WAIT. COOL THEIR HEELS.

MAYBE HE'LL GET A STROKE.

WHAT'S THAT HEARSE DOING HERE?

I HOPE TO GOD IT'S COME FOR RALPH BATES.

WELL, MR. AND MRS. MAC. WHAT A SURPRISE.

WE'VE COME TO PICK UP DOTTY'S THINGS.

UH, WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

YOU BET IT'S OKAY, WAR HERO.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU

SOLICITING CASH OFFERS FOR MY DAUGHTER'S POSSESSIONS!

ALL I DID WAS CALL SMOKEY ANDERSON--

WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WAR HERO.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, NOW, DON'T CALL ME WAR HERO.

WHY? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WERE?

George: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT HE WAS.

I'VE FLOWN OVER 70 MISSIONS IN KOREA WITH THIS BOY.

WHO IS THIS?

THAT'S AN OLD BUDDY OF MINE--

GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

THE FIFTH.

OH, YEAH. THE OLD WAR BUDDY.

Alice: STUART, I'LL GET CLOTHES WHILE SUSIE DOES THE KITCHEN.

HER CLOTHES, FINE, BUT DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO US BOTH.

SUCH AS WHAT?

WE GAVE DOTTY HER SILVER, HER MIXMASTER,

HER TV LAST CHRISTMAS, EVERYTHING,

AND WE'RE TAKING THEM BACK.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, WAR HERO?

HOW DOES DOROTHEA FEEL ABOUT THIS?

SICK! THAT'S HOW SHE FEELS. SICK!

I BELIEVE YOU. I BELIEVE YOU.

SHE GOT MANY A FAULT SHE GOT FROM YOU TWO,

BUT--BUT SHE'S NOT CHEAP, BOY, SHE'S NOT--

TAKE IT EASY, RALPH. TAKE IT EASY. DON'T BLOW A GASKET!

AAH!AAH!

STUART, THERE'S A WOMAN IN DOTTY'S BEDROOM.

THAT'S MY WIFE!

YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S GEORGE'S WIFE!

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING THIS?

HOW...

I'M MRS. GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

UH...

YOU PROBABLY MET MY HUSBAND INSIDE.

WELL, IF HE'S A FRIEND OF RALPH BATES, WATCH OUT.

WHY?

BIRDS OF A FEATHER.

I DON'T LIKE TO INTRUDE, BUT...

DON'T YOU THINK YOUNG PEOPLE

SHOULD WORK OUT THEIR OWN PROBLEMS?

MRS. WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, YOU HAVE NO CONCEPTION OF THE SITUATION.

FURTHERMORE, IF YOU MARRIED A FRIEND OF MY DAUGHTER'S HUSBAND,

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.

TELL ME, IS HE LIVING ON HIS WAR RECORD, TOO?

NO, MRS. WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!

MY HUSBAND IS NOT LIVING ON HIS WAR RECORD,

WHICH WAS DISTINGUISHED

AND WHICH LEFT HIM WITH A NERVOUS DISABILITY...

WHICH HE'D HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO LIVE ON

IF HE WERE THAT KIND, WHICH HE IS NOT!

AND WHILE I WAS BROUGHT UP TO BE POLITE TO OLD PEOPLE,

I'M NOT GONNA STAND BY AND HAVE YOU SAY THINGS ABOUT MY HUSBAND

THAT ARE...UNCALLED FOR!

OH.

I BETTER MAKE THAT COFFEE.

YOU FELLAS ARE LIVING PRETTY HIGH ON THE HOG.

CHAMPAGNE AND BLONDES, HUH?

HEY, BUDDY, THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY WIFE!

CONSIDER THE SOURCE, BOY, JUST CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

I'LL DROP HIM!

BETTER WATCH THE WAY YOU ACT, MAC.

YOU'RE NOT AT HOME NOW, YOU KNOW.

TELL ME SOMETHING, BATES.

WHY DO YOU FEEL SO STINKING SUPERIOR TO ME?

AW, DID YOU NOTICE THAT?

YOU'VE ALWAYS ACTED SUPERIOR TO ME FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'LL ANSWER THAT QUESTION, RALPH.

HE FEELS SUPERIOR TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A BIG MALE COW.

YOU YOUNG PUNK!

A BIG SPIRITUAL MALE COW!

SHUT UP, GEORGE, HUH? JUST SHUT UP!

NOW LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, MAC.

IF YOU FAIL TO SEE ANYTHING SO SPECIAL ABOUT ME,

WHY DID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER?

DID WHAT? DID WHAT? I NEVER--

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE! YOU DIDN'T SUGGEST I MARRY DOTTY?

STUART, YOU DIDN'T!

I HAVE NO SUCH RECOLLECTION!

I REMEMBER I GAVE YOU A FATHERLY TALK ONCE.

WHEN YOU WANTED TO QUIT YOUR JOB

BECAUSE YOU SAID THE WORK WAS MONOTONOUS,

AND I TOLD YOU MONOTONY WAS A BIG PART OF LIFE,

THAT I HAD MY EYE ON YOU, WHICH I DID AT THAT TIME.

UH-HUH. YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE REST OF IT?

SAYING YOU WERE LIVING ON BORROWED TIME

BECAUSE OF DIABETES AND SO FORTH?

AND THAT DOTTY WAS INTERESTED IN ME

AND THAT THE MAN SHE MARRIED

WOULD BE HEIR TO YOUR THRONE AT REGAL DAIRY

AND ITS SUBSIDIARIES,

SUCH AS ROYAL ICE CREAM AND MONARCH CHEESE,

WHEN YOU DEPARTED FROM THIS EARTH?

WHICH IS STILL A COMING ATTRACTION.

I ADMIT I OFFERED YOU A GREAT OPPORTUNITY...

WHICH YOU SPIT ON BY YOUR DISRESPECT, BY YOUR MISBEHAV--

WAIT A MINUTE, NOW! I RESPECT DOROTHEA!

I ALWAYS DID, AND I ALWAYS WILL.

AND I MARRIED HER AND PROVIDED HER

WITH AN OFFSPRING-- A MALE ONE.

IT STARTED OUT A MALE ONE.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF SHE'S TURNING HIM INTO A SISSY!

STUART, WHAT DOES HE MEAN?

I MEAN I MARRIED HER AND PROVIDED HER WITH AN OFFSPRING.

STUART, WHAT IS HE SAYING?

THAT HE HAD THE BABY, NOT DOTTY?

WHY DON'T THEY JUST STOP SHOUTING AND TALK THINGS OVER REASONABLY?

THAT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF SOME PEOPLE.

Stuart: ...A BUM LIKE YOU!

Ralph: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

WHAT ARE YOU? YOU COULD'VE HAD THE MOON FROM ME

IF YOU'D PLAYED ME RIGHT, NOW I'M THROUGH!

ALICE, YOU GOT THE THINGS?

DOROTHEA'S CLOTHES, BUT THERE'S STILL THE APPLIANCES.

WHICH YOU'RE NOT TAKING.

AND THE CHILD'S CHRISTMAS.

WHICH YOU'RE NOT TAKING.

AND THE--

WHAT'S THIS?

A FUR COAT?

MM-HMM. THAT IS A SHEARED BEAVER FUR COAT WHICH COST 700 BUCKS,

WHICH I BOUGHT DOTTY FOR CHRISTMAS,

AND WHICH YOU ARE ALSO NOT TAKING.

JUST WHERE'D YOU GET 700 BUCKS?

FROM MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT, THAT'S JUST WHERE.

THAT'S A JOINT ACCOUNT.

STUART... PICK UP THAT COAT.

IF HE TOUCHES THAT COAT, I'LL CLOBBER HIM,

AND I NEVER HIT AN OLD MAN YET.

STUART...

PICK UP THAT COAT.

OFFICER! OFFICER!

WELL, NO KIDDING!

¶ JOY TO THE WORLD, THE LORD IS COME ¶

OFFICER!

¶ LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING ¶

¶ LET EVERY HEART PREPARE HIM ROOM ¶

¶ AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ¶

¶ AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ¶

¶ AND HEAVEN, AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING ¶

GO AWAY, FOR--

GO! GO AWAY!

¶ THE SAVIOR REIGNS ¶

¶ LET MEN THEIR SONGS EMPLOY ¶

¶ WHILE FIELDS AND FLOODS, ROCKS... ¶

MERRY CHRISTMAS. SOMETHING'S BURNING.

OH, THE COFFEE!

WELL, OFFICER, THE SITUATION IS CUT AND DRIED.

I JUST WANNA REMOVE MY DAUGHTER'S VALUABLES

BEFORE THIS YOUNG FELLA CAN SELL THEM AND SKIP TOWN.

WELL, IF HE DOES, I'LL CLOBBER HIM. HA HA HA.

SO MAYBE YOU BETTER ARREST ME, IF HE'S GOT GROUNDS.

I'VE GOT GROUNDS! DON'T YOU WORRY I AIN'T GOT GROUNDS!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW. I'LL TELL YOU!

THE POLICE CHIEF'S A LODGE BROTHER OF MINE!

OFFICER, DO YOUR DUTY, HMM?

STUART, RALPH'S FACE IS STILL TEMPORARILY ASSOCIATED WITH OUR NAME,

WHICH I WOULD PREFER SHOULD NOT BE SMIRCHED WITH SORDID PUBLICITY.

THINK, STUART. CAN'T THIS POLICEMAN JUST RESTRAIN HIM,

OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO?

NO!

GOOD FOR YOU! IF YOU'RE GONNA DO IT, DO IT RIGHT.

ONLY DO IT REAL RIGHT-- MAKE IT STICK.

COME BE A WITNESS, PAL. THIS CONCERNS YOU.

WE MIGHT JUST GET THE CASH FOR THAT RANCH FROM STUART P. McGILL

FOR FALSE ARREST, DAMAGING MY POSITION IN THE COMMUNITY,

ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

YOU LEFT OUT LIBEL AND SLANDER.

OKAY, CHIEF, I'LL DO THAT.

WELL, IT'S PRETTY QUIET, BUT IT'S A LITTLE EARLY YET.

YEAH. YEAH?

YOU HAVE ONE FOR ME, TOO, YOU HEAR?

HE TELL YOU HE WAS A LODGE BROTHER OF MINE?

HE SURE DID. HE SENT YOU, UH...

FRATERNAL GREETINGS, I THINK IT WAS.

THAT ALL HE SAID?

UM...NO.

HE SAID I SHOULD PROCEED WITH UTMOST CAUTION

ON ACCOUNT OF MR. BATES HERE

BEING SUCH A WELL-KNOWN WAR HERO.

NOW, UH... THE WAY I READ IT,

YOU'RE ACCUSING MR. BATES OF... WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?

ATTEMPTED EMBEZZLEMENT!

ATTEMPTED, UH...

NOW, I DON'T THINK I EVER HEARD OF THAT PARTICULAR CHARGE.

A MAN EMBEZZLES OR HE DON'T EMBEZZLE, YOU KNOW?

HE WAS ABOUT TO EMBEZZLE MY DAUGHTER'S VALUABLES,

SUCH AS ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES, OBJETS D'ART---

ART OBJECTS, THAT IS--

AND LORD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. A TV SET--

WHICH WE GAVE MY DAUGHTER LAST CHRISTMAS, NOT HIM,

AND WHICH WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO REMOVE FROM THAT HOUSE!

YOU WANNA TAKE BACK OLD CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?

TO REMOVE THEM TO A PLACE OF SAFETY SO HE CAN'T SELL 'EM

AND SKIP TOWN WITH THE MONEY.

Ralph: HALF THE MONEY.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHARGE MR. BATES WITH ATTEMPTED EMBEZZLEMENT

OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S ALLEGED VALUABLES IS YOUR DAUGHTER.

WE'RE HER PARENTS! WE CAN SPEAK FOR HER!

THAT DON'T COUNT.

IF BEING A MOTHER DOESN'T COUNT,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SOUTH IS COMING TO.

SORRY. THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO GET YOUR DAUGHTER HERE.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

Isabel: I BET SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HER PARENTS ARE DOING!

WHO ARE YOU, MA'AM?

OH...I-I-I'M SORT OF A FRIEND.

OF WHOSE?

OF MR. BATES. WE BOTH ARE.

I'M A FRIEND OF MRS. BATES, TOO.

MY DAUGHTER NEVER MET THAT WOMAN IN HER LIFE.

I'M A FRIEND OF HERS ALL THE SAME!

WHY, THAT'S NICE.

DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT ALL THIS-- YOUR DAUGHTER?

WELL, UH...THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!

TO TELL THE TRUTH, I WAS JUST CURIOUS.

YOU AND ME, SERGEANT.

THERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. WHAT'S THE PHONE NUMBER?

HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL!

Carolers: ¶ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ¶

¶ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ¶

HIDE IT.

HE'LL FORGET IT IF HE DOESN'T SEE IT.

I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE SO THEY WON'T HONK OR RING THE BELL.

MISS DOTTY...

A LITTLE LIPSTICK WOULDN'T HURT.

IT WON'T HELP, EITHER.

Carolers, drunkenly: ¶ WAS TO CERTAIN POOR SHEPHERDS ¶

¶ IN FIELDS AS THEY LAY ¶

¶ IN FIELDS AS THEY... ¶

SERGEANT SAYS TAKE THESE NIGHTINGALES HOME.

OKAY.

MISS BATES?

COME WITH ME, MA'AM.

¶ ...THAT WAS SO DEEP ¶

¶ NOEL, NOEL ¶

Officer: OKAY, OKAY... PLEASE COME!

WE'RE GOIN' HOME TOGETHER!

WE'RE GOIN' IN ONE CAR 'CAUSE THAT'S TOGETHERNESS.

HEY, RALPH... THAT YOUR WIFE?

MM-MM. IT'S STUART P. McGILL'S DAUGHTER.

SERGEANT, I JUST WANNA HAVE THIS--

ONE MINUTE, MISS, PLEASE. MR. BATES?

I'M ABOUT TO ASK MISS BATES IF SHE WANTS

TO CHARGE YOU WITH ATTEMPTED EMBEZZLEMENT OF HER VALUABLES...

IF THERE IS SUCH A CHARGE, WHICH, LIKE I SAID BEFORE--

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THERE IS OR ISN'T, SERGEANT.

MY HUSBAND AND I ARE GOING TO BE DIVORCED,

AND PROPERTY THINGS WILL HAVE TO BE SETTLED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

BUT HE HAS THE RIGHT TO DISPOSE OF ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO ME

BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO HIM, TOO.

YOU GOT TO CONSIDER YOUR LEGAL POSITION--

YOU JUST BE QUIET, DADDY!

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF--

HUMILIATING THE WHOLE FAMILY THIS WAY!

HE THREATENED TO CLOBBER ME. YOU KNOW THAT?

I GOT TIRED OF HIS TRYING TO PUSH ME AROUND.

I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, RALPH.

HE PUSHES YOU AROUND 'CAUSE YOU HURT HIS FEELINGS--

LETTING HIM KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. YOU COULD'VE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD MATTERS TO ME THAN HIM LIKING ME!

DADDY, DON'T YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD...

EXCEPT APOLOGIZING TO THE SERGEANT FOR WASTING HIS TIME.

OH, THAT'S ALRIGHT. NOW LOOK, FOLKS, IT'S CHRISTMAS.

WHY DON'T YOU FORGET THE WHOLE THING AND GO HOME?

YOU BRING UP A CHILD, YOU SPARE NO EXPENSE, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!

¶ PEACE ON EARTH AND MERCY MILD ¶

¶ GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED ¶

I'M JUST HAPPY THAT MY FOREBEARS AND MY DADDY

ARE NOT HERE TO WITNESS THIS DISGRACE,

OR TO SEE THE KIND OF PERSON YOUR DADDY

HAS LET INTO THIS FAMILY.

LISTEN, SCARLETT O'HARA,

IF BY YOUR FOREBEARS YOU MEAN YOUR CARPETBAGGIN' GRANDPA,

JAIL WAS NO NOVELTY TO HIM.

AND AS FOR YOUR DADDY, HE LET ME INTO THIS FAMILY,

FOR WHICH PRIVILEGE I HAD TO KISS HIS BIG--TOE EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE.

AT LEAST I'LL SAY THIS

HE NEVER KISSED MINE.

STUART, I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN

AS LONG AS I LIVE, I PROMISE YOU.

DON'T WORRY, MAMA. I WON'T HOLD YOU TO THAT. NOT THIS TIME.

YOU COMING, DOTTY?

NOT JUST YET.

I WANT TO TALK TO RALPH ABOUT THE BABY'S CHRISTMAS.

YOU GO ON AHEAD. I'LL BE HOME AFTER A BIT.

DOROTHEA, I AM NOT SURE YOU SHOULD HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL TO--

I DON'T CARE WHAT'S HAPPENED BETWEEN US, RALPH.

THAT CHILD IS GOING TO HAVE HIS CHRISTMAS.

SEND HIM IN A TAXI TOMORROW, AND HE CAN HAVE IT.

NO. HE'S GOING TO SEE HIS PRESENTS

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING WHEN HE OPENS HIS EYES.

HE WON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ELSE.

OH, YOU CAN EXPLAIN IT TO HIM.

YOU DON'T EXPLAIN CHRISTMAS TO A CHILD. IT'S GOT TO BE THERE.

ISABEL HAVERSTICK, MRS. BATES.

AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND, GEORGE HAVERSTICK.

GEORGE...

GEORGE HAVERSTICK?

OH, OF COURSE!

RALPH TALKS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!

AND NOW THERE'S A MRS. HAVERSTICK!

WELL!

SINCE-- SINCE YESTERDAY.

ISN'T THAT LOVELY!

WELL, I...ARE YOU...

ARE YOU STAYING IN TOWN?

THEY'RE STAYING AT OUR HOUSE

WHERE THEY'VE BEEN UP TO THEIR NECKS IN OUR TROUBLES,

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SOCIAL TALK.

IF YOU WANNA COME, YOU CAN GET SKIPPY'S STUFF.

I'LL DRIVE YOU TO YOUR FOLKS. WHERE'D YOU PARK?

DOWN THE STREET. WE ALL CAME IN MY CAR.

WE--WE DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE.

NO. WE'RE JUST GONNA DROP YOU TWO OFF,

AND WE'RE GONNA BE ON OUR WAY...SOMEWHERE.

BUT--BUT THAT'S--

IT'S A 1939 BLACK... CADILLAC...

HEARSE.

OH, WELL... WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA! IT'S SO...ROOMY.

YEAH! HEY, RALPH, THIS IS SOME NICE GIRL YOU MARRIED HERE!

RALPH...RALPH, WHY DON'T YOU DRIVE?

YOU KNOW THE WAY BETTER.

FINE.

HEY, BUDDY!

I'M GONNA CLOSE THIS.

THAT WAY, WE CAN'T HEAR YOU, AND YOU CAN'T HEAR US, OKAY?

Dotty: I LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.

GEORGE IS JUST AS NICE AS YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID HE WAS.

THE GIRL SEEMS A DARLING.

Ralph: I'M GONNA RAISE CATTLE WITH GEORGE NEAR SAN ANTONE.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

OH?

HMM? OH, WOMEN LIKE SECURITY.

CATTLE-BREEDING IS CHANCY...

EVEN IF IT MEANS A MAN WASTES HIS LIFE

AT A DESK JOB, TYRANNIZED OVER BY INFERIOR MEN.

I ALWAYS WANTED YOU TO BE INDEPENDENT-- YOUR OWN BOSS.

NOT WHEN YOU WERE FACED WITH IT!

I BROKE THE NEWS TO YOU,

AND YOU WALKED OUT ON ME, TAKING MY SON WITH YOU.

THAT WAS NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU QUIT YOUR JOB.

WELL, I THINK YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

YOU REALIZED YOU HAD TIED YOURSELF DOWN

TO A SQUARE PEG IN A ROUND HOLE

THAT HAD NOW POPPED OUTTA THAT HOLE,

AND WOULD'VE BEEN OF NO FURTHER USE TO YOU.

RALPH, THAT IS NOT WHY--

I GOT WHAT I HAD COMING TO ME, ALRIGHT.

I TOLD YOUR OLD MAN SOMETHING

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU 5 YEARS AGO, DOROTHEA.

I MARRIED YOU WITHOUT LOVE.

I MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR STINGY-FISTED OLD PAPA'S PROMISE

TO MAKE ME HIS HEIR APPARENT. ASSURANCES, LIES,

EVEN BROAD HINTS THAT HE WOULD SOON KICK OFF.

RALPH, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT?!

WELL...WHY'D YOU ACCEPT IT, THEN, DOTTY?

BECAUSE I WAS SO...

CUT IT OUT, WILL YOU? HAVE SOME PRIDE!

I DO!IN WHAT?

IN YOU!

I'M TELLING YOU, DOTTY,

I'M NOTHING BETTER THAN A LOUSY--

DON'T TELL ME AGAIN! DON'T TELL ME AGAIN!

DON'T HUMILIATE ME, PLEASE!

DON'T HUMILIATE ME!

WAIT A MINUTE, DOTTY, I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU KNEW IT ALL THE WHILE AND STAYED WITH ME,

WHAT ARE YOU LEAVING ME FOR NOW?

WELL, I...I JUST...

I GOT TO THINKING WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE FOR YOU...

HAVING TO MAKE YOURSELF KISS SOMEONE YOU DON'T WANT TO KISS,

HAVING TO MAKE YOURSELF WALK FROM YOUR BED OVER TO MINE.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, DOTTY.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID. THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!

IT IS! I DON'T WANT YOU TO WASTE YOUR LIFE

ON A DESK JOB OR ON A WOMAN YOU DON'T LOVE.

THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID--

DOTTY?!

WHAT AN...

WHAT AN AWFUL, FRIGHTENING THING IT IS.

HUH?

TWO PEOPLE LIVING TOGETHER...

JUST...TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLDS...

ATTEMPTIN'... EXISTENCE TOGETHER.

I DIDN'T MARRY YOU GRITTING MY TEETH AND SHUDDERING,

THE WAY YOU MAKE IT SOUND.

HONEY, I LIKED YOU. I SINCERELY LIKED AND RESPECTED YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPECTED.

THAT'S THE WAY MEN FEEL ABOUT HOMELY WOMEN.

BUT YOU'RE NOT HOMELY. NOT ANYMORE.

WHEN YOU BEEN A HOMELY GIRL,

YOU FEEL HOMELY ALL YOUR LIFE.

THEY CAN CHANGE YOUR TEETH OR FIX YOUR NOSE,

GIVE YOU A WHOLE NEW FACE--DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW.

DOTTY, I'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES.

YOU'VE IMPROVED IN APPEARANCE.

BUT EVERY TIME YOU SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL...

YOU FEEL CHEATED.

HONEY, ANYTIME ANY MARRIED MAN SEES A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

HE FEELS CHEATED.

DOTTY...DOTTY, NOW LISTEN TO ME, WILL YOU?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ANYONE BUT YOU, HONEY.

I'M GONNA GET A BOX TO PUT THESE TOYS.

NOW, HONEST!

STOP IT! YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD!

IT'S NOT YOUR JOB ANYMORE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

DOTTY--

OH...

RALPH...

OH, RALPH, I LIKE YOUR WIFE.

I THINK SHE'S REALLY NICE.

YEAH. WELL, SHE'S LEAVING.

DO YOU WANT HER TO?

I TOLD HER I DIDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ANYONE ELSE.

DID YOU MEAN IT?

OF COURSE I MEAN IT.

YOU THINK I COULD STAND TO GO THROUGH IT ALL AGAIN?

I REALLY LIKE THAT WOMAN.

IN SOME WAYS, I'M...

WELL, I'M CRAZY ABOUT HER.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE JUST GOING THROUGH

A LITTLE PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT.

WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 6 YEARS, LITTLE GIRL!

ALL THAT TIME, YOU'VE BEEN UNDER A TERRIBLE STRAIN--

HATING WHAT YOU DID...

AND MAYBE TAKING IT OUT ON YOUR WIFE, RALPH BATES.

AND--

I FOUND THIS IN THE BEDROOM.

OH... IT'S PERFECT.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS MADE JUST FOR YOU.

Isabel: OH!

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, DOTTY.

YOU DO... YOU DO MEAN THIS?

I TOLD YOU, HONEY.

OH...

THE HUMAN HEART WOULD NEVER PASS THE DRUNK TEST.

WHAT?

WELL... YOU TAKE THE...

HUMAN HEART OUT OF... OUT OF THE HUMAN BODY...

PUT A PAIR OF LEGS ON IT AND TELL IT TO WALK A STRAIGHT LINE...

COULDN'T DO IT.

COULD NEVER PASS THE DRUNK TEST.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, DOTTY... I LOVE YOU SO--

UH...

WE'LL BE GOING NOW, MRS. BATES, AND GET OUR THINGS.

WE GOT TO GO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

OH, YES, WE DO.

THIS SOFA LETS OUT INTO A BED!

YEAH!

IT'S ACTUALLY VERY COMFORTABLE.

YOU CAN STAY RIGHT HERE.

SURE.

IT'S VERY EASY TO FIX.

VERY EASY.

WE'VE INTRUDED ENOUGH ALREADY.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU OUT.

OH, PLEASE, I INSIST!

IT REALLY ISN'T EASY TO FIND A HOTEL IN TOWN

WITH SO MANY FOLKS COMING INTO TOWN FOR CHRISTMAS.

WELL, IF IT'S NOT PUTTING YOU OUT TOO MUCH...

Dotty: OH, NO!

OH, THIS IS SUCH A SWEET LITTLE ROOM.

YES. SWEET.

AND THE FIRE'S SHINING SO BRIGHT STILL.

Ralph: YOU'RE NOT PUTTING US OUT AT ALL.

AND WE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, GEORGE! TEXAS, THE RANCH...

KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BOY?

WE CAN ALL TALK IT OVER TOGETHER AT BREAKFAST.

YES.

WELL, I'LL, UH...

WE'LL--WE'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE NOW.

UH...GOOD NIGHT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY?

MAMA TOOK ALL MY THINGS.

I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO WEAR THIS COAT TO BED!

OH, NO...I'LL LEND YOU A NIGHTIE.

NO, I DO THINK WE OUGHT TO GO TO A HOTEL.

LOOK AT THAT.

OH... HOW EXQUISITE!

OH, NO. THAT'S YOUR HONEYMOON NIGHTIE.

OH, NO, I HAVE ANOTHER. PLEASE TAKE IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE. LOOK.

PLEASE TAKE IT.

WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

COURSE, IF YOU'D RATHER HAVE THE PINK ONE...

OH, NO, NO, NO! I'M JUST DELIGHTED WITH THE BLUE ONE.

WELL... THERE YOU ARE.

ALL SET.

ANYTHING I CAN DO?

ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO...

RALPH...JUST LEAVE 'EM ALONE.

UH...

OH...YEAH.

GOOD NIGHT NOW.

GOOD NIGHT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, KIDS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

THAT LITTLE GIRL HAS VERY FRENCHY TASTE IN NIGHTIES.

SHE SURE HAS.

WELL...OH, BABY,

PLEASE DON'T USE THAT VICKS VAPORUB ON YOUR CHEST.

I'M NOT!

THIS IS HONEY AND ALMOND CREAM FOR MY HANDS.

OH! OH, WELL, THAT'S BETTER.

Ralph: GET OFF! WILL YOU GET OFF THE BED, YOU?

Get off the bed!

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT HIM?

WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST, UH...

LET HIM STAY THERE,

AND...WE CAN USE THE "HIS."

HEY...IN TEXAS, LET'S GET A BIG ONE, HUH?

AND CALL IT "OURS."

THERE'S MORE DIGNITY IN IT.

I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO LIE THERE WONDERING

IF YOU OUGHT TO MAKE THAT LONG, DANGEROUS WALK BETWEEN "HIS" AND "HERS."

COME ON TO BED.

RALPH?

YEAH?

DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS HOMELY?

OH, NO, NO, DOTTY.

NO, HONEY.

YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HOMELY.

YOU JUST HAD SORT OF A...

OFF-BEAT FACE, THAT'S ALL.

I GUESS THEY'VE TALKED THINGS OVER...

AND ARE WORKING THINGS OUT.

I NEVER REALIZED TILL NOW, THE SHAKES ARE CATCHING.

LITTLE BIT...

WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

LITTLE BIT, I SOMETIMES GIVE THE IMPRESSION

OF BEING A VERY... EFFICIENT TYPE OF PERSON.

SORT OF... SURE OF HISSELF.

TOUGH. LIKE I--

LIKE I THINK I'M A SUPERMAN OR SOMETHING.

YES. YOU DO GIVE THAT IMPRESSION...

SOMETIMES, GEORGE.

WELL, THAT IS NOT QUITE TRUE, THAT IMPRESSION.

I AM ACTUALLY A VERY NERVOUS TYPE OF PERSON.

I'M A VERY NERVOUS TYPE OF PERSON RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW.

DO YOU, HONEY?

I EXPECT MOST MEN ARE NERVOUS...

DON'T YOU?

AT THE BEGINNING.

OH...

THERE'S ONE GOOD THING ABOUT MARRIAGE.

WHAT? WHAT?

THERE'S SO MUCH TIME.

NOTHING HAS TO DEPEND JUST ON ONE DAY...

OR ONE NIGHT.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE...

BOTH OF YOU.

BOY, I SURE WISH I HAD THAT LITTLE BUZZER

THAT I HAD AT THE BELVEDERE GENERAL HOSPITAL.

HONEY, YOU DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE.

I'M NOT WAY DOWN AT THE END OF A CORRIDOR.

I'M RIGHT HERE.

BZZZ!

BZZ-BZZ-BZZZ!

THAT FOR ME?

YES, MA'AM.

YOU COME ON OVER HERE.

NO.

NO, WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE?

COME ON.

IT'S NICE BY THE FIRE.