Original subtitles

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so

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what are you doing up the street

winner is in a free september

ice with no warning cause that happens

there's a game war there's a bird flu

train

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and i love them every day of every week

so my son's a little my husband's

boring

and my father oh a genius is a freak

still i help them love each other father

mother

sister brother

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it's just like funny you've

slowed down take some time for yourself

i'm going to have sex with your father

great thanks i'm so loud

so it's times like these i wonder how i

take it

and all the families live the way we do

if they love each other or if they just

fake it

and if other daughters

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just another day

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it's just another day forever

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that was great wasn't it that was great

i'll crack some late

that'll teach you to take a full 10

minutes sorry what

i said isn't it a beautiful day sure

it's cloudy and raining and really cold

for september but

beautiful makes you just want to dive in

with both feet doesn't it

absolutely i never know what she's

talking about

when it's up to you to hold your house

together

a house you built with patients and with

hair

and you're grappling with that rain and

rainy weather

and you're holding on a latte

can you keep the cup from tipping can

you keep your grit frosting in despair

away

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another day

it only hurts when i'm here

oh you're going to be late and you've

got a huge day you have no idea what i

do

all day jazz band before school class

keep love

then football knock it out of here it

only hurts

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get

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it only hurts when i breathe

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day

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i think the house is

everything's fine i'm just making

sandwiches on the floor

now you're going ahead you'll miss the

bus

go

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maybe a little

let me help you up

okay this is just a blip okay

we'll go see dr fine now

i'll uh wrap up the sandwiches

and we'll go

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mozart was crazy

flat

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there's hard money

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and everything else goes away

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you won't look so pale because you've

got your foreign

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um i still have this practice room for

seven and a half minutes yeah i know

i uh just like to listen i'm henry

natalie yeah i know it's a little creepy

that you know

we have gone to school together four or

six years

really i sit behind you in four classes

uh-huh also creepy

so uh you're in here a lot before school

and after

rent seven minutes

you give up way too easily

you're kind of a confusing person you

should meet my mother

the pink ones with food but not with the

white ones the white ones with the round

yellow ones but not the triangle yellow

ones the triangle yellow ones with the

oblong green ones with food

but not with the pink ones if a train is

leaving new york at 120 miles an hour

and another train is leaving st

petersburg at the same time going

backwards

which train will reach his destination

first

who's crazy the husband or

wife who's crazy to live their whole

life

believing that somehow things aren't as

bizarre as they

are

who's crazy the one who can't

cope or maybe the one who will still

hope the one who sees doctors or the one

who just waits in the car

and i

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the round blue ones with food but not

with the oblong white ones the white

ones with the round yellow ones but not

the trapezoidal green ones

split the green ones into thirds with a

tiny chisel use a mortar puzzle to crush

into a fine powder

it's like an odd romance

intense and variant

we do our dance

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he knows

you'll always take my call

it's truly like he told me

without a little hint of paul

goodman diana bipolar depressive with

delusional episodes

16-year history of medication adjustment

after one week

i've got less anxiety but i got

headaches a blurry vision and i

can't so we'll try again

and eventually we'll get it right not a

very exact science

is it so loft and paxil and abuse

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thank you doctor valium is my favorite

color

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which is also known as the act of

creation

oh you're one of those pretentious donor

types that's totally unfair

i'm not pretentious

i don't know definitely not classical

it's so

rigid and structured you have to play

the notes on the page

there's no room for improvisation right

and what did mozart know anyway he

should have just smoked a bowl and

jammed them trickle take a little star

yeah let's do that

goodman diana's second adjustment after

three weeks delusions less

frequent but the press has stayed worse

i'm nauseous and i'm constipated

completely lost my appetite and gave six

pounds

which is just you know not fair

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oh

goodman diana third adjustment after

five weeks reports continued mild

anxiety and

some lingering depression i now can't

feel my fingers or my toes

i sweat profusely for no reason

i wasted like weeks of practicing here

with you

improvising oscar peterson was

classically trained

beethoven did okay miles davis went to

juilliard

mozart wrote poems about farts

fortunately i have absolutely no desire

for sex although

whether that's the medicine or the

marriage is anybody's guess

sure it's the medicine i'm faithful

it's very sweet but my husband is

waiting in the car

who's crazy

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i was so young and so dumb

and now i am

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it's

they say love is blind

but believe me

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love is insane

goodman diana seven weeks

i don't feel like myself

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i don't feel anything

patient's stable

she's in denial please

dude it's therapeutic right

it's medical marijuana to treat your amd

totally

i don't have anything in my mouth that's

on fire yes that's a good

look i i can't do this not with my life

i'm like

one out from disaster your life

isn't a disaster

the environment is a disaster sprint is

a disaster

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i'm trying to tell you i love you what

the world is at war filled with death

and disease

we danced from the edge of destruction

the clones came warmer by deadly

up debris our planet is pretty much

broken beyond our repair

one thing is working if you're standing

there

perfect for you i could be perfect for

you i might be lazy

loner a bit of a stoner it's true

but i might be perfect

i'll make myself perfect perfect for you

you square all the corners

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i can't fix what's up

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i can be perfect for

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nice house can i uh come in oh my

no

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are you spying on your own daughter when

did she get a boyfriend

how do i miss well you kind of miss a

lot

do you think they're involved who knows

they're young

they're boring it happens

here let's marry me

i know where to yell

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because i know it's not i love you diana

i have this baby

damn this is crazy

maybe

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there was a time when i flew higher

was a time the wild girl

run free

would be me

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now i see her feel the fire

now i know she needs me there

to share

i'm nowhere

all these blank and tranquil

years seems they've dried up

all my tears

and while she runs free

and fast seems my wild days

but

miss the mountains

i miss the dizzy heights

all the manic magic days

and

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is

terrain i

miss the mountains i miss the pain

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thousands make you crazy

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is

is perfect

nothing's real

nothing's true

through the is

and spending all my time

where the air is

i miss my

i miss my

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you sure about this moment

nothing if he doesn't know

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um

two weeks and it's all working just the

way i knew it would work

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is

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we have been going out for nine weeks in

three days

you keep count you are so the girl

and natalie and this must be harry and

sandra a pleasure to finally meet you

why don't you join us

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hey

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it's somebody's birthday whose birthday

is it

my brothers i didn't know you had a

brother

i don't he

died before i was poor

what what if

he's not here he's not

here love i

know you know

do you feel he's still real

love it's just not so

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why is it you still believe

do you dream or do you

grieve you've got to

let him go

he's been dead all these

years know

my love he's not here

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language stop this it was

uh wonderful to meet you both

what about the new meds

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i know this is hard do you know

what exactly you know i know you're

hurting

so am i do you wake up

in the morning i need help to lift your

head

do you read obituaries and feel jealous

of the dead it's like living on a slick

side

not knowing when you'll die do you know

do you know what it's like to die alive

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i know say

that you're hurting

but to never hit the ground it just

keeps on rolling

at you they might think my name my day

you don't know

you don't know what it is

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can you tell me

what it is you're afraid of

can you tell me why i'm afraid it's me

can i touch you

we've been fine for so long now

how could something go wrong that i

can't see cause i'm holding

on

and i won't let go

just thought you should know i

am the one who knows you i am the one

who cares

i am the one who's always been there

i am the one who's helped you and now

you think that i

just don't give a damn then you just

don't know

who i am

could you

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would you watch as i drown and wonder

why you

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tell me

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that's who i am

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that's who i am

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cause i'm holding off

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oh

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when she gets like this she's useless

can't

use a phone can't drive yeah

i mean not that i would go there that

shit's in order

and totally ineffective apparently i'm

old school

dying green all the preppies and jocks

are reading their parents medicine

cabinets and

popping xanax and snorting adderall

really

i'm the master of the lost art making a

pipe out of an apple

yeah you're going to guys

he's a hero

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i wish

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i wish i could fly

i'd fly far away from here

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he's not here i am

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you know i love you

i love you as much as i can

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take a look at the invisible girl

here she

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her is she fades away

to her boys

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is

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let's not get discouraged we'll find a

doctor who will treat you without the

drugs

there's somebody out there for you in

the depression chat rooms

they say it's like big you just have to

keep going until you find the right

match

they have depression challenge and this

doctor

supposed to be amazing a real rock star

three different ladies at the office

gave me his name

three different women at work no i'm

nuts

diana

right this way

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welcome have a seat

it's nice

i'm sorry what did you say i said let's

get started

are you nervous i am i

am a little without a breath

now you go um well let's get started by

getting to know each other a bit

psychotherapy and medication

often work best in canada but we can try

the first alone

and see how far we can ah now why don't

you tell me

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my history

oh okay i was

diagnosed bipolar

16 years ago but it turned out bipolar

didn't totally cover it

well often the best we can do is put

names on

collections of symptoms it's possible

bipolar has more in common with

schizophrenia than depression when i was

young my mother called me high spirited

she would know

she was so high spirited they banned her

from the pta

well sometimes there is a predisposition

to illness but

actual onset is triggered by some

traumatic event

i never know what to say when i have to

go over all this

it starts to sound like some story i

tell it's about some other person

entirely

well why don't you tell me

about the last time that you

truly felt happy

were you happy when you got married i

thought i was so there's a difference

between

being happy and just thinking you're

happy

most people who think they're happy just

have a thought

most people who think they're happy are

actually just stupid

i see were you happy when your son was

born

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tell me my son

why is he still around who is

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you

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my fears

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he's never going away i don't know

family

you know this is one of those moments

where you can just be a typical parent

and lie and say yes yes

thanks

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you know natalie i'll hear you it's not

always about

your comfort i know

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as always

can't change me i'm the perfect stranger

who knows you too

well but i'm alive i'm alive

and i'll tell you the truth if you let

me try

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i'm alive

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that i will find you

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is

i'll never die i'm alive

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so it's been four weeks and i'd like to

try something new today

sometimes when these stories can be

hard to tell hypnosis can be helpful

oh i don't think i could be hypnotized

i mean it's fine i'm just not the type

put your hands in your lap and your feet

on the floor

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breathe

should we turn on the light

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there's a door it's a door that you've

never laid eyes on before

can you hear me

yes

are you still nervous

no

good now make up your mind to explore

yourself

make up your mind you have stories to

tell

while searching your past for what

sorrows may last

then make up your mind to be well

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die you come home from these sessions in

tears

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die die

we were both underground architecture

the baby wasn't planned

maybe there was a marriage i thought i

was expected to be

too busy but when the baby came and all

seemed to make sense until

until he's not here

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talking through your history

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hey i know i'm not supposed to be

backstage but

for luck did you see my parents out

there um

are you okay fine my dad said they'd

both be here

i'm sure they will be will they

we have natalie too and i know she knows

i couldn't hold her in the hospital

where the hell are they

i couldn't let myself hold her that's

the first time you've mentioned

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god

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thank you for coming natalie

goodman

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now let's try to think about what all of

this is doing to you

and your family

your grief

for your son your distance from natalie

i'm sorry it's just um

the thing is um

you know what the problem with classical

is

it's so rigid and structured

you have to play the notes on the page

there's no room for improvisation

oh no

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can lead to depression

the more you hold on to something you

love yeah

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wouldn't you like to go home maybe clear

out

these things maybe spend some time with

your daughter

and let your son go

at last um should we go

yes

yes i will

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this is a good guy it's a good step

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is

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is

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stars

i go the night

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the dancers may disappear

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is

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so

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dance with

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a face we

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there's a world where the sun shines

each day

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you guys

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goodman diane

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discovered unconscious at home

multiple razor wounds to wrists and

forearms

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self-inflicted

saline rents sutures scars iv

antibiotics

isolated sedated and restrained damaged

ect is indicated

wow i mean they still do that

we do yes it's the standard in cases

like this she's got a long history of

drug therapy

and resistance she's acutely suicidal

it's really our best option that's kind

of terrifying

it's not the electricity involved is

barely enough to light a 100 watt bulb

oh i mean if it's only 100 watt hole

it's safer than crossing the street and

the short-term success rate is over 80

i thought she was better sometimes

patients recover just enough strength to

follow through on suicidal impulses but

not

enough strength to resist them well

that seems very

yeah this illegally we need her consent

and hospital policy is we need yours too

i don't think she's going to go for this

mr gibbon we can administer the ect

and you can bring her home in 10 days or

we can

keep her sedated for 48 hours discharge

her

and then wait for her to try again

listen just go home

okay take the night and talk to them

standing in his room and i wonder what

comes down

i know i have to help her but hell if i

know how

and all the times that i've been told

the way her

illness goes the truth of it is no one

really knows and every day

this act we act gets more and more

absurd

and all my fears just sit inside me

screaming

to be heard i know they won't know

not a single word

i was here at her side when she called

when she cried how could she leave me

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goes to lying

i keep my feet right on the ground

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hey

now i'm strolling right beside her as

the black hole opens wide

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but it's the worst we've ever known

she's been hurt and i can't

give up

could never be

dad why are you taking with you

we don't see a lot of you these days is

this henry a good influence

like compared to what

okay fair the after effects are minimal

you'll feel a bit like you have a

hangover

it causes brain damage your mother's in

for a new treatment

ect okay elemental heat

what is that electroconvulsive therapy

shock therapy now some patients report

some memory loss but

it's usually not much how do you know

how much memory you've lost you've

already lost it

you're kidding right dad that's

language patients have said it's like

becoming a new person it's she

trusts you

natalie

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is

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is clean and simple hundreds of

thousands of patients receive it

every year

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i know

and says

if i've seen this

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one light shines in the drive

one single sign that our house is alive

our house our own

so why do i live there alone

tell me why i

wait through the night and why do i

live on the light

you know i

know our house was a home

long ago take this

chance cause it made me our last

to be free to let go

of the past and to try

to be husband and wife to let

love never lie and to just live

our lives take my hand

and let me take your heart keep it far

from what keeps us apart

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like nothing i know

i can't get through this

alone

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take this chance

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somewhere far from what

keeps us apart and i swear that

somewhere

in the night there's a lot

a light in the dark

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so

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is um

no you're strictly a do-it-yourselfer

and our anesthesiologist now just

breathe normally

relax count backwards from 100 and by

the time you use one

you'll be asleep when you wake your day

experience muscle stiffness

disorientation but don't worry it's

completely normal

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there i am

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well

and they told me it would change

this is

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is

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electricity

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everything is different now i know what

you mean

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is

it's like the fifth night in a row i had

to pick you up at some random club

damn it's been two weeks

it's time to go home home

don't talk just relax

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okay you can go i'm like

percent less messed up now

seriously my dad's gonna be hall of fame

he's bringing my mom from the hospital

this morning and you don't want to be

here

will you call me

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wish i were here

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wish i were

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here

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we're here wow

you look great oh

thank you and who are you

who am i but i am

this is now your daughter

oh of course

and this is our house

diana you don't

you don't remember any of this

i sure right

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this house and all these rooms

last christmas or last

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the year the walls all this glass and

wood

you don't recall i wish

i could our house on walton way

the house with the red door

our trip to central pain

the whole week a downpour

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things were

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of times that you never knew

sing of not remembering

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again

that day our child was born

our baby girls first cried

that grave risley born

i've never felt so

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but that's 19 years

that dr mitchell said there might be

some memory loss

dr madden oh no

see there you go

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things

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i'm not remembering when

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of memories

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again

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hey

it's been weeks

hey have you been on the scene

cause you look like a mess

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thanks

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okay

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hey say

will you come to this dance

it's some spring formal dance

it's march 1st and it's cheese

but it's fun and it's free

i don't do dances

natalie wait

so this much loss is rare but it has

been reported and maybe partly

psychogenic at times like this the brain

tends to repress

troubling memories but they're there

somewhere and they tend to return and

fits and starts it's been two weeks

a little loss of memory is normal

and helpful in forgetting all her fears

i couldn't give a flying what's

normal

we haven't had a normal day in years

diana

are things becoming clearer with the

treatment

is life less cloudy than it was before

yes

do you still feel your head is filled

with concrete

no and you're not a scary rock star

anymore okay

great what about your memories

the memories are there somewhere find

some pictures you can share

keepsakes of the life that's there

behind

her should i bring up the subject of

yes but keep it light at first that's

best

careful that she's not distressed when

the time's right tell the rest

remind her you'll find

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her

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so let's start with something small

something personal

and pretty i bet you all know these

shiny things they must be

tacky trinkets for my next atlantic city

no actually die there are wedding rings

it was

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well that's how i remember it so that's

how it'll be

it was raining it was portland

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maybe

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we hit the highway in the honda

and i took pictures everywhere we went

we saw the pain in the desert the grand

canyon

and and rhonda and that learned what her

middle

finger here's the first house that we

hold

on baltimore in front of that place

and we built this one on land that we

both chose

and here's a pig of all of us with

smiles on

every face the photoshopping

hardly even shows

we're standing by a lake with all these

ducks

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gonna get back what we had and maybe

more

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get us back to good times forget the

things

we should gonna get us back to better

than before

we can get us back to better than before

all right fine

here's the headline in the paper when

you

freaked out at the market

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i made it to the school wait you

remember

it wasn't here all too much

your life has time of something you've

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got to get back

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make everything much better

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your

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once

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there's something missing like it's

tugging at me i can almost see

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i know it's late i needed to talk to

natalie about some homework

she's not answering her phone is

everything okay

him yes

you remind me of someone

how old are you seventeen why

i don't know now he's in a room

to fill

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the memories

there nothing left

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with nothing to remember

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it's annoying

there's no way

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eight

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just don't give up

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henry

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sailing out into my

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i'm sure something's missing i wish it

how i do i don't know

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does the puzzle come together piece by

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have you talked to your depression your

delusions and your son

what what

your husband didn't

oh my god

you two should talk more

we should talk more that's it

i don't even remember marrying this man

it's not like i'm some

sexually frustrated soccer mom well

interestingly the underlying challenges

are similar

i'll see you next week next week

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ugh

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um

what are you doing what is this

where did you get that it's nothing an

old music box

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we played it for the baby

sometimes it helped him sleep diamond

him we did help

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you drove too fast the lights

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how could i ever forget

outside the morning was cool

and wet he had such chills

but still he lay there so

still

i'm just eight months old

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wondering

that hospital room

how could i ever forget

screaming at them

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oh

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someone simply said

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set the day that i lost

how could i ever

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why would you want to remember the

things

that hurt you i want to remember

everything dan

how did he die

he was sick with what why was he treated

what was wrong

something the doctors are missed

the clinic the er each specialist

they said babies cry allergies

gas who knows why

i was a child

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raising a child

we'd stay up

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still he'd just cry

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and crying he was a baby when he died

but i remember him older no

he was a baby we should call dr matt

why would we call dr maddy i'm just

trying to make sense of all of it

what was his name i i never remember

hearing you say his name oh diana

what about your name tell me it's gonna

be fine it's gonna be fine

we'll go back to the doctors cause we

cut it just in time

we'll take the

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what was his name

[Applause]

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why

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day

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[Applause]

[Music]

don't tell me what you're saying

[Applause]

[Music]

i promise the boy says forever

a boy says whatever may come will come

true

and who can know how when all i know now

to be

true is this promise that i

made to you

a question a boy wonders whether

[Music]

that's the promise that i made that day

[Music]

if you see her please send her my

[Music]

but the man still remembers his love

a promise a man says forever

a man says i'll never regret or let you

a promise that i made to stay and i'll

stay

true

[Music]

knowing one day we'd remember that joy

you remember that girl i remember that

boy till we do

the promise i made i make it brand new

the promise that i made

[Music]

to

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captioning not available

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that i can play so well

i'm alive i'm alive i am so alive

and the medicine failed in the doctor's

life i'm alive

let me help you can't just go

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[Music]

they told me that the wiring was somehow

on the firing and screwing up the

signals in my brain

and then they told me chemistry that

just another circuitry was mixing up and

making me insane

with how the skin is

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is have returned but

not entirely unexpected they tried a

million that math it struck me through

their backpack

and told me that's the way it goes when

finally you hit it

i asked you just what did you sharpen

said that no one

[Music]

[Music]

was never in my brain

or in my blood but in

my soul

make up your mind this is clarity

that you did not have before that the

treatment is strong

but lasts only so long it may be your

mind

let's say that's not it the ect

there are moments of light the one thing

that's sure

is that there is no cure but that

doesn't mean we don't

fight to talk therapy

there's

[Music]

a new drug regiment

[Applause]

[Music]

you have a chronic illness like

diabetes or hypotension

if left untreated you could be

catastrophic

i understand there has to be another way

save me try again

don't walk out on treatment don't lose

what you've won

you've struggled for years but you've

only

grown my first psychiatrist told me that

according to emmanuel grief that

continues past

four months is pathological

and should be medicated

four months for the life of my child

who makes these decisions

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magic you know that it's not we know

it's not perfect

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goodbye

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what are you saying

[Music]

mom it's time you start thinking of your

own happiness

it's not happiness it's henry

you love him um

you can't just walk out on your doctor

maybe i've lost it at last

maybe my last lucid moment

has passed i'm dancing with death i

suppose

but really who knows

maybe i'm tired of the game

of coming up short of the rules of the

shame

and maybe you feel that way too

i see

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a girl felt caught

i'm not known

[Music]

but there'll be no more crying

for me

not for me

maybe we can't be

[Music]

let go

[Music]

17 years ago

your brother died of an intestinal

destruction

he was eight months old

i couldn't say that to you before i'm

sorry

we wanted to give you a normal life

but i realized i have no clue what that

[Music]

is

i need a life that's normal

that's way too far away

but something next to normal

will be okay yeah

something next to normal that's the

thing that i'd like to try

[Music]

we'll get by

okay

[Applause]

[Music]

hey hey

you look like a star

[Music]

you came well i said that i might

[Music]

but tonight

she's

[Music]

freaking out that this door running and

perfect for you

[Music]

i will be perfect for you

so you can go i could crazy

crazy it's true

[Music]

sometimes life isn't safe

i'm crazy i know i can do

[Applause]

[Music]

is

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[Applause]

[Music]

so anyway i'm waiting

i thought you'd like to know

your faithful come what may

but clearly i can stay we

both go mad that way

so here i go

and eating

[Music]

i guess that you can see

i'll try this on my own a life i've

never known

i have a face

[Music]

with you always beside me

to catch me when i fall

[Music]

i never get to know

the feels

[Music]

it's not true

what doctors call this function we try

to call romance

and true it's quite a trick to tell the

dancers

[Music]

[Applause]

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i love you once and though you

love me still i know it's time for

me to fly

i love you once ago

i love you still i know

it's time for me to go

[Music]

goodbye

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so

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i am the one who loved you

i am the one who stayed

i am one and you walked away

i am the one who weighed you

[Music]

and now you act like you just don't give

a damn

like you never knew who i am i

am i am i've

always been here

but i know you know who i

am no

i know you know who i am

can't you just leave me alone i know you

know

who why why didn't you go with her

cause i'm holding on let

me go let's go

i am the one who helps you i am the one

who cried i

am the one who watched while you die

yeah yeah yeah i am the one who loves

you

i try pretending that i don't give a

damn

but you always know who i am

[Music]

i am

dad what the hell where are the lights

off

where's mom

she's gone

so it's just for now

yes okay

[Music]

i need some light

first of all we need some light

you can't sit here in the dark

and all alone it's a sorry

sight it's just you

and me

we'll live you'll see

[Music]

but we've waited far too

long for all that's wrong

to be made right

all our peers away

trying to fight for things we

feel but somehow

some ghosts are never gone

[Music]

you don't have to be happy

at all

[Music]

have you heard from her well i've heard

from her she's staying with my

grandparents

do they actually exist yes

that's good right well going home has

never been a solution to any of my

problems

but you have me for seriously you're

like number three on my instagram

you're my favorite problem

[Music]

the price of love is lost

[Applause]

[Music]

i know you can't tell me if you're still

treating her i just

wonder if she's okay i believe she's

working on it

and she's aware of the risks you think

she'll come home

it's good to know sure dan

would you like me to recommend somebody

for you to talk to

no

[Music]

the way

[Music]

[Applause]

let's shine

shine shine

[Applause]

when our long night is done

there will be

there will be light

there will be lights

there will be

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh

[Applause]

uh

[Applause]

uh