Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up

- I'M papering the gents on the fourth floor.

- Shouldn't that be done by decorating and maintenance?

- Not this sort of papering.

- Just a minute, Mash.

You are supposed to use the staff lift.

- Now look here, Peacock, it ain't even quarter to nine yet.

- Captain Peacock to you.

- And it's Mr. Mash to you.

Now you ain't got no authority over me

until the official commencement of your employment,

which is at 9:00.

Now, if you come in here early just 'cause your wife

can't stand you, it's no concern of mine.

Brother.

- Ooh, Mash, Mash, Mash!

Mr. Mash!

- Sorry Captain Peacock, electrical fault.

- Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed

to be cleaning the department, not drinking tea in it.

Now get on with your work.

And get that vacuum cleaner out of here before I come in.

And get the bags changed.

The old ones are blowing out more dust

than they're sucking in.

Captain Peacock?

Certainly sir.

- A cup of tea, sir.

- I do not expect to find you, of all people,

drinking tea in the department.

The canteen is the place for that sort of thing.

- I got it from the the cleaners, sir.

- And they are paid to clean the place,

not bring you tea.

- You misunderstand me, sir.

I took it away from them, at the same complaining

about the mess that the old bags were making.

- I don't think you should refer to the cleaning staff

as old bags, Captain Peacock.

- That's right, you tell him, Mr. Rumbold.

Dirt, that's how he treats us.

Rubbish, rubbish!

Do you know, he don't even call me mister.

- That'll do, Mash, and get rid of that teacup.

Can you spare me a word, Captain Peacock?

- I haven't signed in yet, sir.

- Later, later, this is urgent.

- Yes sir.

I hope I haven't dropped you in it, Stephen.

- Oh, morning Mr. Humphries.

- Morning Mr. Lucas.

- Oh, I say, I like your hat.

What were you hunting last night?

- Will you keep a civil tongue in your head, saucebox.

I bought this to stop me from getting mugged.

You know, people aren't so keen to creep up behind you

if they think you're looking over your shoulder.

Look, the center display's gone.

- The phantom trouser stealer has struck again.

- Oh, perhaps he knows about it already.

- Well if he doesn't, he'll have a heart attack.

What were you up to last night?

- Oh, I picked up this bird in the library.

What were you doing in the library?

- Oh, it's a great place

for chatting up the birds, you know.

Mind, you gotta keep your voice down a bit.

- I always do.

You gotta be careful, too, which section

you hang around, you know.

- Oh really, I suppose you like to keep away

from gardening, science, and historical novels.

- I usually hang around between Fanny Hill

and Lady Chatterly.

- Oh, the sports section.

- As soon as you see one thumbing through a copy, you see,

you go over and say, alright darling,

that's enough of the theory.

Now how about a bit of practice?

- You smooth-talking sex maniac.

- They can't slap you in the face, can they?

'Cause there's a big sign that says silence.

- No.

- A big bird, a big bird, enormous she was, enormous.

Built like a brick chicken house.

- I've never seen one of those.

What, a brick chicken house.

.

- Well anyway, I took her to the pictures.

- I don't remember, but it was a double feature.

Morning Shirley.

Hey, did you know you got a ladder in your tights.

- Oh, trust you to notice.

- Does it go all the way up.

- Well, there's one person who'll never find out.

- Oh look, Peacock hasn't signed in.

- Perhaps his wife was late blowing reveille this morning.

- It won't seem the same signing the book with it

without him looking at his watch

and making caustic comments.

- And I'll tell you what, you sign and I'll caustic comment.

8:46, Mr. Humphries.

One minute late for battle again.

- Oh, not again.

Oh please, Captain Peacock, I beg of you.

Don't tell the evil Mr. Rumbold.

Otherwise I shall lose my position at Grace Brothers,

a position which I've held these 30 summers

and a lot more winters.

Please Captain Peacock, I beg of you,

I'll do anything, anything.

- No wonder you wear that hat.

- Me too, Captain Peacock.

- It's not good, Miss Brahms.

You know what happens when you're late.

Oh, not that again, Captain Peacock.

- Peacock!

- Captain Peacock to you, dog.

Come here, my beauty, and we'll show you

how Grace Brothers teat their deserters.

- Now!

- Lucas!

- Captain Peacock!

- Get up, Miss Brahms.

You have a ladder that goes the whole length of your tights.

- There's one person who found out.

- I will not have this larking about

in my absence, Mr. Lucas.

- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.

- It's a disgrace, and it's very discourteous to me.

- Yes, I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, Captain Peacock.

Mind you, sir, if we didn't know

what a really good sport you are, we wouldn't take

such terrible liberties.

- Don't let it happen again.

- No sir.

- I'm surprised that you were allowing it, Mr. Humphries.

My hand isn't as firm as yours, Captain Peacock.

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

You're rather later than customary, are you not.

- Well, apart from one or two other things,

I had to get my wife off.

- Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.

She's staying with her sister in Cliftonville

for a few days.

We girls will have to watch our steps.

- And our ladders.

- Mrs. Slocombe, it had crossed my mind

that if you had nothing on during the next few days,

I might suggest a small dinner a deux?

- Candles perhaps or anything you fancy.

- No trousers.

- Mrs. Peacock, she's only away for two days.

- Mr. Granger's trousers are missing

and so is the center display stand.

- I noticed as soon as I came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas.

- Oh, yes you did, Mr. Humphries.

Yes, my goodness, you said, it's gone, you said.

What, I said.

Mr. Granger's center display stand, you said.

Oh dear, I said.

My goodness, Mr. Granger will have a fit

when he sees it, you said.

And you were right.

- Well, what has happened to the center display stand?

- Mr. Rumbold has ordered its removal.

- Glass of water for Mr. Granger.

- Glass of water coming up.

- Is this one of your machinations, Mrs. Slocombe?

- I don't do machinations, Mr. Granger.

But I'm very relieved that it's gone.

- Well, I shall have to have some words with Mr. Rumbold,

and give him a piece of my mind.

- Good morning.

I was just asking what had happened

to the central display stand.

- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.

I was meaning to have a word with you about that.

In fact, I have an announcement to make.

- Gather round everybody.

Mr. Rumbold has an announcement to make.

- Mr. Lucas, gather round.

I think Mr. Rumbold's going to do a bit of announcing.

- This does not concern the cleaning staff, Captain Peacock.

- Hillary, Deirdre, you heard what Mr. Rumbold said.

Now get about our business, come on!

- Grace Brothers have entered into a promotion agreement

with a perfurmery company to promote their product

by having a special stand on this floor to promote them.

- Yes, you could put it like that.

- Well if it's scent, why can't you clear some counter space

in the ladies' department?

- Precisely.

- Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying

far too much underwear.

- Are you suggesting, Mr. Granger,

that I should remove my underwear

and put perfume there instead?

- Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers

and put perfume there instead?

- Now, now, now.

- Yes, as I was about to say, now, now, now.

I must point out

that this a boardroom decision,

and that the perfume in question is going to be on sale

to both sexes under the brand name of His and Hers.

- Well, I'm not going to sell Hers,

and I refuse to have anything to so with His.

- That's what I'm trying to point out, Mrs. Slocombe.

It's to be promoted by a member

of the perfume company's sale steff.

- Probably a half and half.

- Ah, here comes the special stand now.

- Ices, ices, cold.

Get your lovely ices.

Get your ices.

Hey hey!

Oh, sorry there.

- That will do, Mr. Mash.

- Time's getting on a bit.

I think we'd better all lend a hand.

- Where shall I stick it then,

as the stamp collector said to Mae West.

- That will, do Mr. Mash.

Everybody lend a hand.

- That's what Mae West said to the stamp collector.

I shall take no part in it.

- Ha ha, mutiny on the counter!

- Now now, come come, Mr. Granger.

That's not like you.

- Well, even in the French Revolution,

the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.

- I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Granger.

- Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate

in the outfitting of that stand.

- I'm behind you, Mr. Granger.

- And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries.

Yes, unless Captain Peacock says

I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries.

In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.

- Oh Captain Peacock, seeing as our Mr. Granger

is behaving like a bear with a sore head,

perhaps I can help.

- No no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream

of allowing a lady in your position

to do such work as this, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You're such a gent.

Miss Brahms, lend a hand.

- Mrs. Slocombe, how would tonight suit you?

- For our little dinner date.

- Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you.

You, a happily married man.

- Oh, would that were true.

- Oh, not another one.

- After 14 years, you don't know what it's like.

- I didn't know what it was like after seven.

- Positions everyone, the store has opened.

Mrs. Slocombe, let me know what you think

after you've given it a little thought, will you?

- Come along everybody, the store is open.

Go about your business.

Mr. Mash, leave the floor.

- Leave the floor, Mr. Mash.

- Oh yes sir.

We mustn't let the customers see me, must we, eh, eh.

It's time Cinderella was back in the kitchen, innit, eh?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not serving.

The ladies is over there.

- Oh, I don't want the ladies.

- I mean the ladies department.

- Guess what, you've got a customer.

Are you being served, madam?

- No, it's quite alright, thank you.

I'm the representative from His and Hers.

- Oh yes.

- I doubt it with those on.

Are you free, Captain Peacock?

- At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

- This is the salesgirl from the scent people.

- Morning.

May I welcome you most cordially to Grace Brothers.

- Oh blimey.

- That must be the salesgirl from His and Hers.

Oh, she's a bit of a turn on, isn't she?

- That's all you think about.

It's all up here, you know.

- Not 100%, it's not.

- Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock

in conversation?

- It's the girl from His and Hers.

- Oh, oh, then I think we'd better ignore.

- Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well

at the moment.

- Just my luck, isn't it, for a bird like that

to sail into my life on a Thursday.

Look at that, one lousy quid.

Where can you take a bird like that on one quid.

- Well, you could buy a six-penn'eth of worms

and take her for a walk along the canal bank

with your bent pin.

- Does she look like the sort of girl

you'd take along the canal bank?

- What about some of your witty chat over sausage, egg,

and chips at the transport cap?

- Hey, old Peacock's chatting her up about, isn't he?

Look at him, look at him, look at him.

- Oh, well he's probably hoping she goes

for the father figure.

- More like the grandfather figure.

- I'm sure you'll be very happy here,

and if there's anything at all that you need,

don't hesitate to get in touch.

- Well that's very kind of you.

Where do I find you?

- About here, actually.

- He isn't half working well on her.

Do you think he fancies her?

Men of Captain Peacock's age prefer some more mature woman.

Someone he can talk to.

- Yes, when you get to his age, I suppose

that's all that's left.

- Hello.

Hello, it's my turn now.

Peacock's leaving the field of battle.

- I shouldn't venture into no man's land

until he's left the department.

- A word with you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Take over, Miss Brahms.

I'm going to have a word with Captain Peacock.

Yes Captain Peacock?

- About tonight.

- Oh yes, I've been thinking about that,

and I said to myself, why not.

I mean, what have I hot to lose?

- What indeed.

- I've been thinking about it, too,

and on second thought, I feel it would be unwise

for us to start something that we couldn't finish.

- Well, you know, two attractive people thrown together.

The spark that lights the tinder.

The all consuming fire.

- I thought it was just dinner.

- Well I think perhaps that lunch in the executive canteen

would be safer.

- In a manner of speaking, yes.

- Well fancy.

Leading a girl on like that.

- He's gonna chat her up again.

- He's chatting her up again, look at him, look at him.

- With his bedroom department smile.

- Randy old floorwalker.

- Yes, isn't it.

- I hope this doesn't seem premature,

and I do hope you won't mind my mentioning it.

- Go on.

- Well let me put it another way.

Do you have a particular boyfriend.

- All my boyfriends are particular.

- Of course.

Yes, no, what I was trying to say was,

I wondered if you might, by any chance,

be free to join me for a drink when we close tonight.

- Sh, not so loud!

No no no, I just wondered if you were free.

- Well it's very kind of you, Captain Poe-cock.

- Peacock.

But my boyfriend's picking me up at 5:30.

- Ah, well.

Say no more.

I was just worried that you might be

at a loose end.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Slocombe.

Yes Captain Peacock?

- I've been thinking over what I said to you,

and I've had second thoughts.

- Well I haven't, and the answer's no.

And regarding what you said about that fire,

I think it would be just as well

if you didn't get your matches out.

- May I inquire what purpose you want to know for?

- I want to change.

- I'm sorry.

Our rooms are not staff.

- Thank you for your help.

- It was a pleasure.

- That told her.

- Your turn on is coming across.

- I see her.

Old Peacock's given up, you see.

He didn't get anywhere with that sexy talk

and the smooth smile and all that.

I think I'll use the direct approach.

Yeah, they're very good with these toffee-nosed

sort of birds, you know.

Just grab 'em and they go mad.

- I must watch that.

I might learn a thing or two

from the Casanova of the cufflink counter.

- I'm not gonna do it in front of you.

- Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me.

- I'm very glad you came over.

You know, it's a funny thing.

I wanted to have a word with you, see.

Really something very important.

What happened?

- I grabbed her and she went mad.

- I wonder if you can help me.

- Be a pleasure.

Do I need a bodyguard?

- I wonder if you have a changing room I could use.

- Are you having any difficulties, Mr. Humphries?

- Not yet, Mr. Granger.

This young lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms.

Would you believe to change?

- I don't like the tone of your voice.

And our changing rooms are not

for the use of the female staff.

- Oh, alright then.

Have it your own way.

- A glass of water for Mr. Granger.

And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas.

- I think you'll find that it'll fall into your shape, sir.

And don't worry about the sleeves.

They'll ride up with wear.

- And don't worry about the color being too bright.

It'll wash out in the rain.

- It's alright, thanks.

Just looking.

- That's all I've had this morning.

Four just lookings, three no thank yous,

and two where's the gents.

- Well I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr. Granger,

but I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas.

- Oh yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.

The ones she's just putting up

on the stands.

Oh yeah, she's put some cards up there, too.

- Yes, what do they say.

- I can't quite focus, Mr. Granger.

Shall I go over and observe?

- No, no, I don't think we should fraternize.

Call Mr. Lucas, he has younger eyes.

- Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

- Mr. Granger was just observing the young lady

on the center stand and was wondering what's on the cards.

- Well at his time of life, very little, I should think.

- The print, Mr. Lucas.

- Ah yes.

With every bottle of His perfume you purchase,

you get a free tie.

Take over, will you Mr. Humphries?

I'm going to see Captain Peacock.

- It says, with every bottle of Hers,

you get a free pair of stockings.

Well, that's very good for our trade, I must say.

I'm going to have a word with Captain Peacock.

- There we are then.

Let's hope we don't get a short circuit when we plug it in.

As Mae West said when she picked up the midget.

I suppose it'll take a few moments to warm up.

As Mae West said to the Eskimo.

Eskimo!

- Mr. Mash.

If you've finished, I'm sure you are urgently

required elsewhere.

- You're quite right, Captain Peacock.

I've got a bunged up carsey in the bargain basement.

- I wonder if Mae West ever said that.

- I think it's disgusting.

It's undermining my underwear.

- Yes, and my accessories.

- You must do something about it, Captain Peacock.

- For once, I entirely agree with you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- This thing must be stamped on right now.

- I must deal with this my own way, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Well go on, then.

- I'm just trying to think of the best way of handling it.

- Tell her to push off.

- Jesus!

- Well, you've got to put something under them

to get them going.

- I've found that myself lately.

- Is, umm, is everything to your satisfaction?

- Yes, it's all fine, thank you.

- You certainly cause a stir in the trouser department.

- Yes, this outfit usually gets the men going.

It's the gymslip look that does it.

That and the stocking tops.

- Yes yes, if you're that type,

it must have a certain effect.

Your stockings also seem to have upset the head

of the ladies department.

- Yes, well I suppose that job would attract

a rather odd sort of person.

- No no no no, it's free samples that have upset her.

- I'm having to make the appearance of complaining

on their behalf, you understand.

Of course.

- Well I think that has made the department's attitude

quite clear and there's no more to say.

Don't move, you man, you.

Cover your body with me.

You're sophisticated and dangerous.

You're slightly aloof.

Yet you have a hint of pulsating virility.

You're wearing His, the man-sized perfume.

- Oh yes yes, that's very nice, yes.

May I congratulate you on a very arresting sales technique.

- Well it's corny, but it works.

You should hear what they cooked up for the ladies.

Stay just where you are.

Don't move a muscle.

If you want a real he-man, you'll find I'm a killer.

Just let me caress you and wrap myself around you.

Who am I?

I'm the Hers perfume to attract the perfect him.

- Glass of water for Mr. Humphries.

Yes sir, if you're wearing His,

and yes madam, if you're wearing Hers,

you can be sure of instant results.

And remember, this week only, you get an amazing free gift.

For him, a tie, yes a tie

in these gay, irresistible His colors.

For the lady, a fantastic pair of garter grip stockings.

They never let you down.

Keep your chappie happy with something snappy.

Get your amazing free gift now with every purchase

of His and Hers.

- And today's special price, ladies and gentlemen, 85p.

- Did you ever hear the likes

in all your born days, Mr. Granger?

- I don't think that we should take it lying down,

do you Mrs. Slocombe?

- No I don't.

And Mr. Lucas.

Miss Brahms.

Now I've no doubt you've noticed the way

in which this young lady operates.

- Yes, we have, Mr. Granger.

- I felt it.

- She's certainly drawing customers away

from our departments.

Now if you will all back me up, I will take the matter

to a higher authority.

- I'll back you up, Mr. Granger.

- It's never going to Peacock.

He's gonna have his eyes glued to her garters

til closing time.

- No good going to Rumbold.

He'll back up Peacock.

- Weak as water he is, weak as water.

- We're lumbered then, aren't we.

- Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?

- I beg your pardon, Mr. Granger.

- Mr. Granger's quoting from Henry II,

when he wanted to bump off Becket.

- Oh not nice Mr. Beckett from hardware.

- No no no, Mr. Granger played Becket

in Grace Brothers production of Murder in the Cathedral.

- I'm sorry I missed that.

- And Mr. Granger was very good, in spite of his gamey leg.

- He fell of the cathedral steps,

and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him

in the front row of the stalls.

- It got a very good round of applause.

- Are you suggesting then that we should stab her

in the staff canteen?

- Mr. Granger, if I could just have five minutes extra

maybe at lunch time, I think I might be able

to arrange a little sabotage.

- We none of us heard that suggestion, did we?

No, Mr. Granger.

- Nevertheless, carry on, Mr. Lucas.

For the lady, a fantastic pair

of garter grip stockings.

They never let you down.

Keep your chappie happy with something snappy.

Get your amazing free gift now

with every purchase of His and Hers.

And today's special price, ladies and gentlemen, 85p.

- She's still there.

- Yes, Mr. Lucas's plan that we don't know about

isn't really going like a dose of salt.

- Well everything's ready.

- That's a microphone.

As soon as she starts her next demonstration,

I'll be on radio six and seven-eights.

- I must tell Mr. Granger, he'd like not to know about that.

Don't move, you man you.

Cover your body with me.

You're sophisticated and dangerous.

You're slightly aloof.

- Bald as a coot with only one tooth.

Stay just where you are.

Don't move a muscle.

- She's wearing a tin bra and starch in her bustle.

If you want a real he-man,

you'll find I'm a killer.

- With a face like yours, you'll end up

with Guy the Gorilla.

- Somebody's interfered with my tape.

No, no, no.

- Please, please, please!

Let's marshal all our facts and find out precisely

why this young lady left.

Now first of all, whose finger was it

on the button that ruined the tape.

- Well it was my finger, but it--

- No no no no, just the facts.

Now, how did the other voice come into it.

- Well I was talking through my hat, sir.

- Well there was a microphone in his hat, sir.

- I see.

- Ah, well, you see, Mr. Granger said,

will no one rid me of the meddlesome priest.

- Well actually, Henry II said it.

- That I can explain.

It wasn't Mr. Granger who said it in the play,

it was Becket, you remember, Mr. Rumbold,

he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.

- That's why he got such a good round of applause.

- Now, I may be dense.

What has the play got to do with this girl leaving?

- Ah, well you see, Mr. Granger drew our attention

to the fact that Henry II wanted to get rid of Becket.

- Not Becket from hardware, no.

- Thomas of Becket, you see.

Well I took the hint because I knew that they

wanted to get rid of the girl.

- I would like to state at this point

that I had no hand in the girl's departure.

- I should think not.

With your eyes glued to her garters.

Anyway, good riddance, I say.

It was ruining our sales.

- Here here.

- Well the pity of it is

that the His and Hers perfurme company

is a subsidiary of our firm, Grace Brothers.

- It was a very pleasant smell.

Don't you think, Mr. Humphries?

- Most appealing, Mr. Granger.

You found it most appealing too, didn't you, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh yes, I did, I did. I did.

Yes, I did, Mr. Humphries.

I thought it was most appealing.

You found it very appealing, too,

didn't you, Captain Peacock?

- The gymslip was very eye-catching.

- And Young Mr. Grace, who is the principle shareholder

has alerted me to the fact that he will be popping in

to see how the campaign is going.

- Oh dear.

- Oh, we made a right naus up of that, didn't we?

- As you say, Miss Brahms, a right naus up.

So we shall have to think of something, shan't we.

- Yes sir, if you're wearing his.

And yes madam, if you're wearing hers.

Then you can be sure of instant results.

And remember for this week only,

you get an amazing free gift.

For him, a tie, yes a tie, in these irresistible His colors.

And for the ladies, a fantastic pair

of garter grip stockings.

They never let you down, so keep your chappy happy happy

with something snappy.

Get your amazing free gift now with every purchase

of His and Hers.

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents readymade suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats underwear and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings,

♫ restaurant and teas, going down