Original subtitles

Darling Drusilla...

I have existed from the morning of the world...

and I shall exist until the last star falls from the heavens.

Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man and so...

I am a god.

- What's it like with Marcellus? - With what like?

- He's so fat! It's disgusting. - He's not.

- He's only large. - And tiny where it counts.

- How do you know? - I saw him at the baths.

- Poor... poor Drusilla. - You are vile.

- Hold! - Messenger to the Prince!

- Identify yourself! - Macro!

- Password? - Justice.

Prince?

Forgive me, Prince.

- The Emperor commands you to wait upon him. - What does he want?

A last look at you perhaps. He is 77.

May he live forever.

- How is Ennia? - My wife lives on if in the day she can see you again.

Wait outside.

- What does all this mean? - Take care, little boots.

- Pray to Isis for me. - I'll follow you as soon as I can.

I hate I'm back here, Macro.

He's planning something.

You've nothing to fear. I command Praetorian guards.

With Tiberius, there's always something to fear.

Be very careful of Nerva. They say he can even tell what you're thinking.

Nerva!

- Prince! - Dear friend!

Ten years is a long time for the Emperor to be heading away.

I should feel a great deal happier... if he would back in Rome where he belongs.

- Tell me, how is the Emperor? - Old, like me.

I mean, how is his mood?

Like the weather.

But the weather's good today.

Changeable.

I've heard that during the last month, seven of my colleagues in the senate have been put to death...

for treason.

Nine to be exact. Five of them cheated, they killed themselves.

That wasn't playing fair.

Don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men, how could the Beloved Emperor find them guilty?

You have a gift for logic, Prince.

Caligula!

- Beloved grandfather. - Do your dance, boy.

- My dance? - Yes.

The one that you delighted the army, when your father made you its mascot.

Come on.

Little boots.

- I'd forgotten it, Lord! - Oh, dance for me!

Delight me!

Dance!

My little fishes.

Fishes.

Why not? My little fishes! Come in!

All of you!

Stop that!

Out, little fishes! You've had enough for today!

- Caligula! - Yes, my Lord?

Why do you say such monstrous things about me at Rome?

- I hear you often pray for my death. - I don't, Lord, ever.

You do not?

By Heavens, Caesar, I swear I do not.

You do not in...

in public!

Never, Lord!

Remember this!

That I have let you lived...

so far.

My little fishes love me.

Innocents, you see.

I protect their innocence.

This is the least I can do. For it is a foul world.

Rise up.

Nerva is scouting at us. Help me, Nerva.

Help me transform this young barbarian into a Roman Caesar.

There have been three Roman Caesars. Julius, Augustus and yourself.

- Which do you want him to be? - Best.

- That would be your father, Augustus. - You see, Caligula, I'm insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend! Watch out for Macro when I'm dead.

- I know. He hates me... - Because you are wise.

Because you are good. So when I'm gone, watch out for Macro.

I've taken my precautions, Caesar.

Hmm. What might they be?

Heaven help Rome! For I'm gone!

- I am old. - Yes, Lord, but you will live forever.

All my family are dead but you, child Gemellus and that...

Claudius that's uncle.

The others struck down by fate.

And it is fate, little boots, that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Lord.

No, I'm not! Not even when I'm dead.

Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar, they are gods.

So say the Senate and so the people prefer to believe.

Such myth they use.

- Little boots, just look at you. - Yes, Caesar?

I am mercy. A viper in Rome's bosom.

Uncle!

Caligula!

Do you think this boy have been drinking?

- I think he has, Caesar. - So do I! Macro!

- Yes, Lord? - Bring him more wine!

And waste none.

Remove your bootlaces.

- And what do they say of me at Rome? - Oh, well, they need you, Lord and they miss you.

Most of my life I have given to the Roman people.

I have fought.

I have given all.

- Aren't they lovely? - Yes, Lord.

The Satyrs are from Illyria.

And... uh...

This Nymph... is from... where are you from?

Britain, Lord.

Britain.

- Speaking statues. - Yes, yes! And they do more than speak. They do...

- You prefer nymphs to satyrs? - I like both, Lord.

One needs both. Yes. To keep healthy.

Rome is a republic and you and I are playing citizens.

More confection!

That's it!

That's the best of my stallions.

Serve the state, Caligula, although the people in it are wicked beasts.

- But they love you, Lord. - Oh, no! No!

They fear me. And that is much better.

I had no choice, you see.

No choice.

No choice?

All I wanted was private life.

I did not truly want to become emperor, but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else had become emperor, I would have been killed.

As you will be.

Will be?

Will be gra... gr...

- Will be, Grandfather? - Would be, if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a city and we were just citizens, we're known to one another.

And we were frugal, good, disciplined and dignified.

The Romans I rule are not like we were.

They lust... they lust for power and pleasure.

Money... the wives of other men...

Oh, yes, I am a true moralist.

And stern as any Cato.

Faith chose me to govern swine in my old day which I have become a swine-herd.

- The faithless boy! Has he drunk enough wine? - I think he's drunk enough, Lord.

So do I.

Now he is happy.

Homer! You would not know that? You were educated in army caps only.

You will know enough to be a swine-herd.

Caesar? The Senate sends these documents for your signature.

Of course!

The revise list to candidates for the requested order.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command on the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Tax assessment, regime minor, Brescia and Gaul.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command on the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Senator guilty of treason.

Every senator believes himself to be a potential Caesar, therefore every senator is guilty of treason.

In thought, if not indeed.

The Senate is the natural enemy of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Remember that.

Traitors. Look at them.

Traitors.

They offer to prove any law I made before I made it.

I said: "What if I go mad? What then?"

No answer. They were born to be slaves, Germanicus, never forget that.

I'm not Germanicus, Lord. I'm his son, Caligula.

Yes. And your friend is Macro.

- He serves you and only you, Lord. - And his wife is your friend, too.

- Is she friendly in bed? - We must ask Macro that, Lord.

- She seems friendly. - And your sister, Drusilla...

My sister is my sister, Lord.

I know everything that is said and done.

And thought.

The setting sun and the rising moon.

Gemellus, lovely boy! And too young to betray me.

Perhaps not too young.

Yes. Kiss your old grandfather. Yes. My last grandson.

- I am your grandson, too, Caesar. - By adoption.

This is the last flesh of my flesh.

- Poor boy! What'd it become of you? - He's like a brother to me, Lord.

Brother? Another brother is enough envy.

Brother kills a brother who's killed his father who's killed his son.

Faith! Drink, Caligula.

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy!

When I am gone, Caligula will kill you.

And then, someone will kill Caligula.

Unless... unless he is dead, before I am.

You are looking not well at all.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

A brother kills a brother, who's killed his father...

who's killed his son. Faith!

And then someone's killed Caligula...

- He's going to kill me! - Sssh. You're safe. You're with me.

He's going to kill us.

Because that we killed our father, our mother and our brothers.

- I am not going to die! - You won't!

You're his heir. There is no one else.

Yeah, it is. There's Gemellus an Claudius.

Gemellus is too young, Claudius is an idiot...

and Tiberius is old. You will be emperor. Soon.

- And you will be my queen. - You can't marry your sister.

- You can in Egypt. - But we're in Rome...

and you're already promised.

I know... To Ennia...

It's only a bird.

- Prince? - Hmm? What is it?

My wife.

Ennia!

Now you are a man, Caligula. What are you going to do?

You must be the master of your own destiny.

Take it... with both hands.

Preteens! Why did you permit him to do it?

Bind his wrists!

Bind his wrists!

You must not go, you must not leave me. You're my friend, my only friend.

I've lived too long, Tiberius, I hate my life.

Leave us!

Both of you!

The man to choose the hour of his own death is the closest he will ever come to tricking faith.

And faith decreased that when you die, Macro will kill me.

I'll arrest him and have him executed.

You can't. He controls you.

Anyway, even if Macro dead, how could I go on living with this reptile?

You will respect my friend always, won't you, reptile?

I've always respected him, Lord.

- You hear? - Tiberius, you were wise once.

- Ah, don't taunt me. I'm old. - I watched you go into a monster.

One by one, I've seen you murder your family, your friends, the noblest men in Rome.

- That is treason? - No, it's the truth.

I and my oath had been surrounded by enemies.

My own family and the Senate... You're cruel!

No, honest old men can sometimes see the future.

So, from evils pass and evils yet to come...

I now choose to escape.

So these are your precautions, Nerva?

- Nerva, what's it like? - Warm, no pain, just drifting away.

- Do you see her? - Who?

The Goddess Isis.

- Oh, you're one of those who believe... - Do you see her?

- No. - Are you sure?

You're almost dead. What's it like? What's happening to you now?

- Nothing. - You're lying.

You can see her. I know you can. What is she like?

No... nothing at all...

just... sleep...

Liar!

Since Nerva died, Tiberius has been brought paralyzed.

- They say he's close to death. - Tiberius dies, be worse for us.

- Yeah, you love the bastard. - Take that back!

Prince! The physician Charicles.

How is the Emperor? How long will he last?

Well, it could happen any moment, but with care he might last a year or so.

I can smell death...

- but whose? - Don't worry! He can do nothing without me.

So these poor unfortunate creatures thought...

and where are they? No, Macro. He's planning something.

You'll be emperor, soon.

- You swear. - I sw...

I swear.

Leave! Everyone leave!

Tiberius!

Tiberius!

Caligula?

Lord!

Give me my ring.

- No! - Yes.

You... do not dare!

Prince!

You do not dare!

Hail, Caesar!

Hail, Caesar!

I'd get everyone a symbol and a hope. For the announcement.

Gemellus?

Gemellus!

Hail, Caesar.

Gemellus. We are alone.

We must love each other.

Rest, Tiberius Caesar.

Hail, Caligula Caesar.

It's just like the dream.

It's only his mask. You are Caesar now.

Caesar.

Caesar, Emperor of Rome, lord of the world.

Lord of the world...

I liked this dream.

At the...

At the insistence of the Senate and the people of Rome...

I accept... humbly...

the highest office of our great republic.

Our great republic.

Where's the onion? Give me the onion.

Now beloved Tiberius was dying...

- To the Tiber with Tiberius! - Yes! Yes!

- Throw him to the river! - Yes! Yes!

- Tiberius! Throw him! Throw him to the dark! - Yes! Yes!

Today we begin a new era.

I grant a general amnesty.

- Hail! - Hail! Hail! Hail!

Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar!

- Silence! - Caesar! Caesar!

Caesar! Caesar! Caesar! Caesar!

- Silence! - Caesar! Caesar!

Great Caesar is not finished.

As my fellow counsel, the Senate and the people of Rome...

have wisely chosen my loved uncle Claudius.

Hail, Cladius!

Take your place beside me, Claudius.

- Caesar Caligula... - Take your place...

I mean Calisus...

I here with adopt as my son and heir...

the Prince Gemellus.

- Come forth, Prince. - Hail, Gemellus!

From this moment, all official oaths will contain the following phrase:..

I will value neither my life, nor the lives of my children...

any more highly than I do the Emperor.

Hail! Hail! Hail!

And of his sister, Drusilla.

- Hail Drusilla! - Hail Caligula!

We must be careful of him.

- Oh, Claudius? - No, Gemellus.

Oh, yes! Gemellus.

Did you see their faces when I told 'em I had to swear not only to me?

But to you?

They were appalled.

- I do hope so. - But is it wise?

I can do...

anything I like...

- to anyone. - Well, don't start with me.

Who do you suggest?

Get out! Out!

- Who? - Why not start with Macro?

- Macro? - Yes.

Before he controls you as he controlled Tiberius.

Superb! It's bright, Macro. Superb!

- Fetch me Gemellus. - What? Here?

Yes, here. Now.

- Charicles! - My Lord?

Stand here.

- I want to bonus for my guards. - Oh, but Caesar, that's not possible!

All things that happen are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen, then it'd be possible. Logical?

- How, Caesar? The deficit, you see, is... - Look, how much is my purse?

- Well, Lord, that is as much as you may require. - Oh, good!

Ah, Macro! Would you stand over there?

- Longinus, you here. - Yes, Caesar.

Gemellus! I want you to look at these gentlemen very carefully.

Take your time and tell me...

who killed our beloved Tiberius?

Who killed Tiberius?

He did! Macro!

Murderer.

Arrest him!

In honor of your new commander, Chaerea...

ten gold pieces to every man!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

- Chaerea, arrest Macro. - Guards, arrest Macro.

Don't you dare!

Forgive me, Caesar...

Ah, Chaerea!

Two senators beg to see you.

They have a disputable land.

- And they wait your judgment. - Ah, bring them in.

Bring them in.

I'm interesting all there is Rome, even down to the land of the Toga.

Come.

- Caesar, I must complain about the vow... - Give me the documents.

- Guilty. - Thank you! Thank you!

Don't thank. Justice must always be impartial.

- It is so, Chaerea! Is it? - Yes.

You may go.

Ennia!

You look beautiful.

Is it good for growing hair?

We'll be married soon. Divorce will only take a few days.

- I think we should move. - Move? Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?

Yeah!

What do you think?

I'd hate to leave Rome. I mean, the Senate...

No, no, Ennia. I am Rome. Wherever I am, Rome is.

There is the Senate and the people of Rome.

You don't make me laugh. The way you say that.

- Ah, Longinus. - Forgive us, Caesar.

- Longinus, is it done? - The Senate has sentenced him to death.

The commission.

Chaerea, I now officially appoint you commander of my imperial guard.

But what about Macro? What happened? Where is he?

- He has been arrested for treason. - That's impossible!

Caesar, you know he worshipped you. He made you!

- Nobody made me. - I... I can't believe it.

What did he do?

Ennia! I had to take my destiny, with my own hands.

Guards!

Guards!

Chaerea! She's to be back.

- I love you! - To Gal!

I love you!

Caligula! How could you do it? He was your friend.

He would've done anything for you!

Don't send me away!

I love you!

Caligula!

Now at least she doesn't have to get a divorce.

But you still have to find a suitable wife.

No.

I'm going to marry you.

You can't! We're not Egyptians.

I know.

We are much more beautiful.

Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking at yourself like that.

- Let's go to Egypt then. - You are a fool!

- Caesar cannot be a fool. - But he's trying very hard.

Caesar cannot be a fool!

Little Boots! They'll throw you in the Tiber, if you temp to move the government.

- So? - You are going to marry a lady of senatorial class.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

You've got to have an heir.

Who will kill me when he grows up.

The priestess of Isis are meeting at my house tonight.

You want me to marry one of them?

Yes.

No!

No.

Yes.

I wonder what I should wear.

- When just the performance for almighty Caesar? - Don't be disgusting.

But I'm being practical. If I'm to choose a wife, I want to see what I'm within.

Logic.

Out that one looks rather interesting.

Livia? Oh, she's taken. She's to marry Proculus, one of your officers.

I'll send him to Spain.

She's a virgin. Very boring. Not your style.

- That will be my wife. - Oh, no! Not Caesonia.

- Oh! You're impossible! - She's the most mysterious woman in Rome!

Perfect.

Caesonia's been divorced. She's extravagant. Always in debt.

- I want her. - But not for a wife.

- Send her to me now! - No, Little Boots! I won't let you do it!

It wouldn't be wise.

Yes!

Such as the will of the senate and the people of Rome.

You're very convincing as a priestess, Caesar.

And you... as a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

I told Caesonia that I would marry her.

- Don't... - Ah, but only after she's born me a son.

How will you ever know it's yours?

Don't worry. I've got her very well guarded.

Can you be sure one of the guards will be the father?

They're all homosexuals who have been castrated.

If only all Rome had just one neck.

Is that the officer Livia's going to marry with?

Yes. Proculus.

Proculus.

- Longinus... - Caesar?

You see this young officer over here? Proculus?

Yeah?

Caligula Caesar, Emperor of Rome!

- Hail! - Hail!

- And the lady Drusilla and the lady Caesonia. - And the lady Drusilla and the lady Caesonia.

- Hail! - Hail!

- Are we late? - No, Caesar.

You forgive us.

Was the ceremony beautiful? The augury is good?

- Yes, Caesar. - Splendid.

You are very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.

Caesar.

I shall now bestow the special blessings of almighty Caesar...

upon this...

happy union.

Which way is the secret marriage bed?

Ah! The kitchen! Oh, this will have to do!

See you later!

Little Boots!

I thought you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now for Caesar's wedding gift.

What a delicious bride!

Take off that robe.

Splendid.

- Is she really a virgin, Proculus? - Yes, Caesar.

One can never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, Livia!

Lucky girl! To lose once virginity...

to a direct descent of the goddess Venus.

I...

Caligula Caesar...

command...

Open your eyes, Proculus.

command in the name of the Senate... Open 'em!

The Senate and the people of Rome!

She really was a virgin.

Are you?

Well? Are you?

- No, Caesar. - No?

Well, Isis won't like that! One law for woman, one for man! That's no fair!

Come on! Off with your clothes!

Splendid!

I like your nice bushy hair, Proculus!

- Caesar! I beg you! - So sit up!

I think you were lying to me.

You're a virgin, too.

I...

Caligula Caesar...

command... in the name of the Senate...

Open your eyes, Livia!

and the people of Rome...

You see how I exhausted myself to make your wedding holy.

My blessings to you both!

Gemellus!

Caligula!

Caligula!

Gemellus!

Jupiter loves me!

Drusilla!

- He's trying to kill me! - Who, Little Boots?

Gemellus! I saw him! He ran away! Wants me dead!

Now... now, Little Boots!

Now you'll be alright!

Hail, Caesar!

- Hail! - Hail, Caesar!

All hail Caesar's beautiful horse, Incitatus.

Hail the most honorable Incitatus!

Hail, Incitatus!

There's Gemellus over there. Watch him.

Chop chop, dear uncle, chop chop!

I want your honest advise.

Shall I make myself king of Rome?

King? Well, but this is republic, isn't it?

Very well, then.

I shall make myself king of the republic.

But you're already greater than any king, Caesar.

I am a god!

Or at least I will be when I'm dead.

Gemellus, try one of these morels. Gemellus!

- What's that smell? - What smell, Caesar?

- What have you been taking? - Just a medicine. A bit to drop off the fever.

- Did you give him medicine for the fever? - Well...

- Yes or no? - No, I don't.

Gemellus! Are you accusing your sovereign for being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar!

You took an antidote before coming to my table.

Which is tend to mount for accusing me poisoning you.

That is awkward, isn't it?

Caligula!

Chaerea!

Arrest Gemellus...

for treason.

Guards! Take him away!

No!

No!

No!

No, please!

As if there ever could be an antidote against Caesar.

Drusilla!

- Why are you so concerned for him? - I'm not concerned for him.

- But for you! - He knows about Tiberius!

- He's a threat to me! - He's not! He's not even your heir!

Caesonia now carries your child.

- Gemellus will die! - You amateur!

Amateur?

And they weren't even poisoned.

Caesar!

- Well done! - Thank You.

What will you do to her? What she said was treason.

I decide what is treason, not you.

Dance!

- Dance? - Yes.

And what about your son?

Show Incitatus your new dance.

My son...

he will dance with you.

Music!

You are... beautiful...

Drusil...

beautiful.

We are all alone...

Drusilla.

- He's going to kill me. - No.

He's going to kill me.

- The fever must be at soothe. - He's going to kill me.

- What if it doesn't? - He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

Drusilla!

Drusilla!

He's going to kill me!

He's going to kill...

me!

Drusilla!

Tell you...

I love you!

- Where is my sister? - She's coming.

I'm here, Little Boots.

Drusilla...

- I'm dying. - You are not.

I must...

make my will.

Don't talk. Sleep.

Longinus. I want Longinus.

Take my horse to his own bed.

- He's a monster. - Even so, it's better that he doesn't die this time.

- I don't see, why? - The people love him.

There could be more revolutions, civil chaos, if he dies.

It looks as if he's claimed to die anyway.

Longinus?

You call for me, Caesar?

My will.

Here with to my beloved Drusilla...

the Roman Empire...

title of Augusta...

my little boots.

Little boo...

He's sleepy.

No, he's not.

Drusilla.

Why do I get angry with you?

Why do we always argue?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady! You must not touch him! The fever is contagious!

Sleep! You're safe now. Drusilla's here.

I offer my life, if Jupiter will only spare our beloved Emperor.

- Jupiter accepts your offer. - Hmm?

Execute him.

The fever is breaking.

Do you hear that, Little Boots? You're going to live.

Drusilla tells me that I've been neglecting my work. So I recalled for duty.

Your signature and seal is required, lord!

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the...

Senate... and...

people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

Rome, Rome, Caesar, Caesar, Rome, Rome, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!

I, Caligula Caesar, command on name of the Senate and people of Rome.

- No wonder life's so dull. - Yes, lord... oh... no, lord... and don't...

Let's see if Proculus can liven things up for us!

Proculus!

Do you know that his wife is expecting her first child?

We're not quite sure who the father is.

Him or... God.

Divine Caesar, please! What have I done? Why am I here?

- Treason. - I've always been loyal to you.

That is your treason.

You're an honest man, Proculus, which means of bad Roman.

Therefore you're a traitor.

Logical, hmm?

Now you must die like Gemellus.

Like all moles failed Rome.

Now slowly, very slowly.

I want him to feel death. I want him to smell death.

Now! What does it feel like, Proculus?

Can you see the great goddess Isis?

What does she say?

Reptile!

Make a note of this.

I said slowly, you fool!

Lucky boy! To off escaped me so easily.

Longinus! Reptile!

Cut off those and send them to Livia...

as a souvenir of their great love.

Caesar says, "Cut them off!"

And now send the rest to Livia.

Curtain!

Child's head...

has just appeared.

- Is he alive? - Yes, Caesar.

My lords! I'm now to be married to Caesonia.

The mother of my son, Caligula Germanicus!

Ring, ring! Give me the ring!

You are now wife, mother and empress of Rome.

It's a girl.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl. Did you not hear Caesar say?

I heard the voice of Caesar, but your daughter did not.

- I should've waited, shouldn't I? - There will be other children.

- Longinus. - Caesar?

One month of free games and a gold coin to every Roman...

to celebrate the birth of my son.

My son... Julia Drusilla!

Julia Drusilla!

Drusilla?

Drusilla!

- The fever! - Drusilla!

The fever!

Drusilla!

I'm here...

it's your Little Boots!

It's your Little Boots!

Do something.

I am doing everything I... I can, Caesar.

I swear! But the fever must take its course.

Great Isis! Save her!

Take me!

Caesar begs you, o mighty goddess!

Caesar!

Drusilla?

Get out! Get out! Go on! Get out! Get out!

Get out! Go on! Out! Out! Out!

Drusilla!

Almighty mother...

You...

I begged you...

Caesar begs you...

We, Caius Caesar Caligula, do decree one month public mourning...

for our beloved sister, Drusilla.

During which time anyone who laughs, baths, dines with his parents or children...

or has intercourse will be sentenced to death.

Such as the will of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Hello!

Come on, darling!

Caligula has finished!

Nestor restores the imperial heirs.

The slaves of Rome!

The people!

The army!

The tribune of the people!

The Senate!

And great and supreme... the Emperor!

Hail!

And I am... the lady Drusilla, his sister!

Let's make love once again, brother Nestor!

No! No!

Stop!

Stop!

No! Stop!

Another drunk.

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report, he's gone to Egypt.

And according to the other reports?

Well...

to Greece...

another, Persia...

to Carthage and another again, to Gal.

And where do you think he is?

- He could be anywhere. - No.

He's here in Rome.

He's testing us.

Get off!

I have existed from the morning of the world, and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night.

Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man.

Therefore I am...

a god.

I shall wait for the unanimous decision of the Senate.

All those who say aye...

say "Aye!"

Aye!

Aye!

- Aye! - Aye!

- Aye! - Aye!

Aye! Aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye! Aye!

He's a god now.

Aye! Aye! Aye!

Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

- Baa! - Baa!

The period of mourning is now over.

He's mad!

Enjoy yourself.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But... ah... are you going to enjoy it as well?

I don't know. Should we ask them?

Longinus!

Ah, Longinus! My financial wizard.

We have a question for you.

Who're the richest men in Rome?

Who?

Answer: The pimps.

Question number two.

Who are the most lascivious sluts in all of Rome?

Who?

Answer: The senators' wives.

So, an imperial brothel. A most logical way to balance the state budget.

As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, we have gone to great expense...

to bring you the finest flesh in our empire.

Five gold pieces!

Only five gold pieces for each and every twenty minutes!

And that's a bargain!

Look at them! Aren't they beautiful?

The most lascivious ladies of the Roman Empire have come today...

to perform their patriotic beauties for all.

For a mere five gold pieces.

All with them, that they will welcome you well.

Follow for all the imperial bungalow...

and better make your choice of the finest treasure of the Empire.

Just five gold pieces for each and every twenty minutes.

And that's a bargain, most of the women here are respectable, married ladies.

Senators' wives. Whores of plainest reputation.

I'll have to work out a special rate for you.

Greetings! Flavia, come!

Don't waste time! The wives of our senators are not merely beautiful...

like their husbands, they are insensible.

And for only five gold pieces, took any one of you.

Do the wives of golden juice come on you!

Take their wives, use them, confuse them.

Do as you will with them.

They are yours. Just yours for only five. Five gold pieces.

Hairy nipples!

Senator Marcellus! Your wife will scare our customers away.

Try help walnuts.

Hey, you over there! Don't pinch yourself.

The more that you give, the more they will bite you.

How many enjoying the skills perfected by our senators' ladies...

while their husbands left in the Senate?

Only five gold pieces!

Five!

Senators' wives...

for a blameless reputation!

He's making customs using all our wives and daughters.

Humiliating the Senate and defending the army.

That's why the people love him.

Longinus! You're not having any fun! Enjoy yourself!

- What is your preference? - Everything and nothing, Caesar.

You can't have both for the same price.

- He's provoking you. - Only me? Huh!

He's mad! He doesn't know what he's doing.

He knows what he's doing perfectly well.

- Give him enough rope... perhaps... - He'll hang us all!

We also have a few very sappier ladies here today.

You may slash them or may bind them.

Five gold pieces to buy you both!

For five gold pieces!

Can't you stop bothering for just a few moments?

Chaerea!

I hear you have a taste for little boys.

- Is that not so? - No, Caesar! Big boys.

- My soldiers. - Are they ready?

Yes, Caesar.

Perfect!

We sail for Britain!

He will not go again!

We're only a few has marched from Rome.

And what new madness is this?

Mars tells me we will enjoy a great victory.

- Ah, Chaerea! - Caesar?

Are we prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar...

only...

Only what?

- Where is Britain? - Where?

There.

Ah, yes, lord, there...

but... eh... there is no enemy.

There is papyrus cane.

- Papyrus cane, Divine Caesar? - Yes, papyrus.

Don't be so stupid, Chaerea!

Order my army to attack and destroy that papyrus.

Yes, lord.

After all, we must have some proof that I have conquered Britain.

War!

Kill!

While all of you were living safely here in Rome...

your beloved emperor was risking his life...

to preserve and enlarge the Empire.

I've heard rumors that the Senate doesn't believe that I ever went to Britain.

No! No, lord!

But I did conquer Britain, and I have a hundred thousand papyrus canes to prove it!

- Hail, Caligula Caesar! - Hail, Caesar!

- Hail, Caligula the Conqueror! - Hail! Hail! Hail!

Better be careful, he's in a strange mood tonight.

Caligula!

- They hate you now. - Let them hate me. So long as they fear me.

They are senators and consuls. They are important men.

So important that they prove all I do?

They must be mad.

I don't know what else to do to revolt them.

Great victory!

In Britain!

And now...

the booties captured during this great campaign.

Fish.

Mullet, blenny and salmon.

Oysters...

and beautiful pink pearls.

From the blue seas and silver rivers of Britain.

Gained from the green forests and golden holms of Britain...

swell pheasants, lovesome geese.

Cowards.

Crawl! Crawl! Crawl!

I hate them!

Almighty Caesar says...

to balance the state budget...

we shall confiscate the entire estates of all those who have failed Rome.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galva, Aponius, Marcellus, Antonius, Cassius...

Chaerea!

They have failed me. Arrest them.

Lepidus...

Sextus and Octavius.

Guards! Arrest them!

Almighty Caesar says...

finish your dinner.

Eat!

He must be done soon.

- Watch Chaerea! - Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to kill me.

What is amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

Is it true that there is a conspiracy against me, Longinus?

Eh... well, lord... that is... I mean...

It seems there is a secret plot.

A plot is always a secret, if it's not a secret, not a plot or a plan.

That is logical, is it not, Claudius?

Even a half-wit can know that and you are a half-wit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

The situation's gone too far.

He's muffed the guards, overruled the government and insulted the best friends of Rome.

Yes, the Senate counts for nothing anymore.

No one is safe from him.

- He's a tyrant. - Then what can we do?

There's only one solution.

- If Caligula ought to die... - It could happen.

You need to sleep.

I think I shall resign myself to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able to face the facts, have you?

The facts? Yes, my lord. Can you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

Psst! Are you ready?

Will you speak your lying sister Isis?

Long have I wondered in the land of men...

in search of you, brother Osiris.

I have been killed and cut in two bits.

You put my pieces together, bringing back life...

with a kiss.

There goes our blood.

It doesn't matter. It's only a show.

- I can't get it right. - No, Caesar! Look, like that.

Hello, precious!

Have you been a good girl?

Don't you think she looks beautiful in my costume?

- She's even wearing my little boots. - Cause you like her power.

My little... boots!

She's serious.

Going to be dressed like you today.

Password?

Scrotum!

So be it!

I'll...

live...

live...

Hail, Claudius Caesar!

- Hail, Claudius Caesar! - Hail, Claudius!

- Hail, Claudius! - Claudius, hail!

Hail, Claudius Caesar!

Hail!