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1
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Coolidge College was
established in 18...
2
00:00:46,348 --> 00:00:48,767
Who knows this?
It was in your freshman facts.
3
00:00:48,851 --> 00:00:52,688
The first day of spring semester.
4
00:00:52,771 --> 00:00:54,773
A time to say goodbye
to the parents once again,
5
00:00:54,857 --> 00:00:57,276
and say hello to a few
new student bodies.
6
00:01:00,821 --> 00:01:03,407
As for me, well,
7
00:01:03,490 --> 00:01:07,745
I like to start off each semester
with a certain time-honored tradition.
8
00:01:07,828 --> 00:01:09,079
A ritual, if you will,
9
00:01:09,163 --> 00:01:11,790
that allows me to get my head
in the right place.
10
00:01:18,088 --> 00:01:22,426
Okay, so Suk Mae's a little old,
11
00:01:22,509 --> 00:01:25,262
but she is just so damn good.
12
00:01:27,264 --> 00:01:28,724
She's great with these quick jobs,
13
00:01:28,807 --> 00:01:33,062
plus there is no substitute
for decades of experience.
14
00:01:33,145 --> 00:01:35,898
That looks amazing.
15
00:01:37,816 --> 00:01:40,527
That is perfect. You're a pro. A pro.
16
00:01:41,654 --> 00:01:43,364
Hey, look at me.
17
00:01:43,447 --> 00:01:44,782
Pro.
18
00:01:46,617 --> 00:01:51,121
Well, gosh, that was great.
Thanks for the quick job there, Suk Mee.
19
00:01:53,165 --> 00:01:54,500
I need these in 20 minutes.
20
00:01:56,043 --> 00:01:57,336
Super.
21
00:02:14,895 --> 00:02:17,523
We've got a jumper!
22
00:02:31,829 --> 00:02:34,540
Hold on, son.
You don't want to do this.
23
00:02:34,623 --> 00:02:36,166
I didn't want to come here, either.
24
00:02:36,250 --> 00:02:38,168
They made me come!
25
00:02:38,252 --> 00:02:39,795
They made me!
26
00:02:42,339 --> 00:02:44,925
First year can be kind of scary,
can't it, Timmy?
27
00:02:45,008 --> 00:02:46,468
My... My name's not...
28
00:02:47,469 --> 00:02:52,307
But you know what I've learned in my
seven years here at Coolidge, Timmy?
29
00:02:52,391 --> 00:02:55,644
I've learned that you can't treat every
situation as a life-and-death matter,
30
00:02:55,728 --> 00:02:57,604
because you'll die a lot of times.
31
00:02:58,605 --> 00:03:00,733
Write that down.
32
00:03:00,816 --> 00:03:03,277
- I don't have a pen, sir.
- Well, remember that then.
33
00:03:04,737 --> 00:03:06,155
And you know something, Timmy?
34
00:03:08,782 --> 00:03:11,493
I think you've got the balls
to make it here.
35
00:03:11,577 --> 00:03:15,956
Call me nuts...
but I believe in you.
36
00:03:18,751 --> 00:03:22,755
You see, Timmy, you can't let this
lead you all the time.
37
00:03:22,838 --> 00:03:25,299
Sometimes you've gotta heed this.
38
00:03:25,382 --> 00:03:28,927
And I think that you've got a lot of heart
in there, mister, don't you?
39
00:03:30,053 --> 00:03:32,473
Don't you? I mean,
look around you.
40
00:03:37,269 --> 00:03:38,270
Timmy?
41
00:03:39,438 --> 00:03:40,481
Timmy?
42
00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:43,734
Great work, Van. Thanks.
43
00:03:43,817 --> 00:03:45,986
Remember my credo, Timmy!
44
00:03:46,069 --> 00:03:49,156
Don't be a fool.
Stay in school!
45
00:03:52,743 --> 00:03:55,704
God, I love this place.
46
00:03:56,830 --> 00:03:58,665
- Hey, Van.
- Hey, Van the man.
47
00:03:58,749 --> 00:04:00,918
I called you last night, Van.
48
00:04:05,172 --> 00:04:08,175
My name is Van Wilder,
and this is my home.
49
00:04:08,258 --> 00:04:09,676
Coolidge College.
50
00:04:19,686 --> 00:04:23,232
The last, well, seven years
have gone by way too fast.
51
00:04:23,315 --> 00:04:26,860
This school's given me so much,
I just can't seem to give enough back.
52
00:04:26,944 --> 00:04:27,945
That's Van.
53
00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:30,322
That's him.
54
00:04:31,323 --> 00:04:32,574
Oh, my God.
55
00:04:33,575 --> 00:04:34,660
Wow.
56
00:04:34,743 --> 00:04:36,119
Yeah. Wow.
57
00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:46,547
I was the first ever male cheerleader
at Huntington High.
58
00:04:46,630 --> 00:04:48,465
The first ever!
59
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:52,052
Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"!
60
00:04:52,135 --> 00:04:55,389
Give me an "N"!
What does it spell?
61
00:04:55,472 --> 00:04:56,890
I see a rabbi,
62
00:04:56,974 --> 00:05:00,227
and he's performing a circumcision,
on himself though.
63
00:05:02,187 --> 00:05:03,730
You'll become disciplined.
64
00:05:03,814 --> 00:05:05,315
Your mind will become a weapon.
65
00:05:18,161 --> 00:05:20,581
I'm sorry. You really
just don't fit the profile.
66
00:05:24,001 --> 00:05:25,836
We're just gonna do
a little bit of word association.
67
00:05:25,919 --> 00:05:26,920
Cookies!
68
00:05:30,215 --> 00:05:31,842
Hi. My name is Van.
69
00:05:31,925 --> 00:05:33,176
Hi, my name is Terry.
70
00:05:37,514 --> 00:05:39,224
Let's get it started then,
shall we?
71
00:05:54,197 --> 00:05:55,407
Big finish.
72
00:05:59,036 --> 00:06:00,329
Medic.
73
00:06:00,412 --> 00:06:02,456
Having us both at the same time...
74
00:06:02,539 --> 00:06:03,957
...will definitely lighten your load.
75
00:06:04,041 --> 00:06:05,792
We will bend over backwards for you.
76
00:06:05,876 --> 00:06:07,502
There's nothing
too big we can't handle.
77
00:06:07,586 --> 00:06:09,129
We mean nothing.
78
00:06:09,212 --> 00:06:10,422
We'll stay on top of you...
79
00:06:10,505 --> 00:06:12,174
...and ride you all semester.
80
00:06:12,257 --> 00:06:15,010
Basically, we're saying
we won't blow the job, man.
81
00:06:19,264 --> 00:06:23,393
By the way, can you tell me if there'll be
any international travel, huh?
82
00:06:23,477 --> 00:06:24,478
Huh? Huh?
83
00:06:24,561 --> 00:06:26,647
Seriously, now,
I swear to God,
84
00:06:26,730 --> 00:06:28,649
I'm really uncomfortable now.
It's time you should go.
85
00:06:35,822 --> 00:06:38,283
Not one acceptable candidate.
86
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:40,202
What is wrong with the youth of today?
87
00:06:42,704 --> 00:06:44,331
The Internet, dude.
88
00:06:44,414 --> 00:06:47,000
Fries their brain cells, man.
89
00:06:48,418 --> 00:06:50,337
It's cool, Colossus.
We'll find somebody.
90
00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:52,381
C-los, get your ass off my shirt.
91
00:06:57,928 --> 00:06:59,638
Yo, you really should have him
neutered, man.
92
00:07:00,639 --> 00:07:01,932
That's up to him.
93
00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:04,768
They are getting bigger, aren't they?
94
00:07:05,936 --> 00:07:07,646
I'll get that.
95
00:07:13,068 --> 00:07:14,319
Looks like we got one more.
96
00:07:21,743 --> 00:07:22,744
What's your name?
97
00:07:24,162 --> 00:07:27,624
I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.
98
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,501
Where are you from, Taj?
99
00:07:30,627 --> 00:07:33,338
I'm an exchange student
from Banglapur, India.
100
00:07:33,422 --> 00:07:36,049
Welcome. What can we do for you?
101
00:07:37,551 --> 00:07:40,554
My exchange program culminates
at the end of this school year,
102
00:07:40,637 --> 00:07:43,390
at which time I must return
to my home country
103
00:07:43,473 --> 00:07:46,184
where I do not have many friends.
104
00:07:46,268 --> 00:07:49,146
I would like very much to spend
my remaining days here,
105
00:07:49,229 --> 00:07:50,897
- serving as your assistant.
- Okay.
106
00:07:50,981 --> 00:07:52,482
We're just gonna do
a little word association.
107
00:07:52,566 --> 00:07:54,401
Say the first thing
that comes to your mind.
108
00:07:54,484 --> 00:07:55,485
- Milk.
- Tit.
109
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:58,405
Oh, Mommy.
110
00:07:58,488 --> 00:08:00,574
Most Indians would say "cow"
because they are sacred,
111
00:08:00,657 --> 00:08:03,702
but I hear "milk," I...
I think giant jugs.
112
00:08:03,785 --> 00:08:06,747
You see, I cannot go home a virgin.
113
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:10,667
I came here to study the great American
art of muff diving.
114
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:13,837
To smack clam, munch rug,
115
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,715
dine at just one American pink taco stand.
116
00:08:16,798 --> 00:08:19,926
You know, I wanted to, how is it,
park the porpoise.
117
00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:22,929
You know, I want to take it
through the car wash, baby.
118
00:08:23,013 --> 00:08:26,433
You know, and get it waxed.
I want to wax it. Wax it.
119
00:08:26,516 --> 00:08:28,727
You know, and air dry.
120
00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:32,189
You know, air dry that shit,
yeah. Yeah, air...
121
00:08:32,272 --> 00:08:36,693
And I would like to be your assistant
very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
122
00:08:37,694 --> 00:08:39,696
You'll need a copy of my class schedule
so you can take notes.
123
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:41,281
You'll also handle my finances.
124
00:08:41,364 --> 00:08:43,283
I lecture at the freshman crisis group
every other Monday.
125
00:08:43,366 --> 00:08:45,118
I'm spearheading the Save the Swim Team
Speedo Spectacular,
126
00:08:45,202 --> 00:08:47,621
and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash
to Battle Bulimia this semester.
127
00:08:47,704 --> 00:08:49,289
This is Sick Boy's room.
Not a week's gone by
128
00:08:49,372 --> 00:08:50,832
he hasn't come down
with some sort of ailment.
129
00:08:50,916 --> 00:08:53,335
Shingles, hepatitis, crabs.
That was his fault.
130
00:08:53,418 --> 00:08:55,504
- Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin.
- Thanks, Van.
131
00:08:55,587 --> 00:08:57,589
Don't pick at it. Moving on.
132
00:08:57,672 --> 00:09:00,634
You'll need to move my 7:15
to 8:15, my 8:15 to 9:45,
133
00:09:00,717 --> 00:09:02,803
and my 9:45 to Wednesday.
134
00:09:02,886 --> 00:09:04,638
You owe $75,000
for the speed boat.
135
00:09:04,721 --> 00:09:06,556
Cancel my guest lecture at the Wharton
School next week.
136
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,392
I feel like going somewhere tropical.
Tahiti. Are you writing this down?
137
00:09:09,476 --> 00:09:10,644
Yes, sir.
138
00:09:10,727 --> 00:09:12,437
You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred.
139
00:09:12,521 --> 00:09:15,440
Oh, and schedule a massage after my golf
game tomorrow afternoon.
140
00:09:15,524 --> 00:09:17,484
- With a happy ending?
- Uh, yes.
141
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:21,738
And another $39,000 for your son's tuition
and housing this semester.
142
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:24,533
Tuition?
Van is still in school?
143
00:09:24,616 --> 00:09:26,409
For the better part of a decade.
144
00:09:31,248 --> 00:09:33,625
"Depression:
ls Prozac really the answer?"
145
00:09:33,708 --> 00:09:35,877
"Famine. Crisis in Rwanda."
146
00:09:35,961 --> 00:09:37,796
"Tracking Tuition:
Where does our money really go?"
147
00:09:37,879 --> 00:09:41,591
Each article well-written and extensively
researched by our own Gwen Pearson,
148
00:09:41,675 --> 00:09:45,971
and each article skipped over by the
majority of the student body.
149
00:09:46,054 --> 00:09:49,141
I don't care. I won't pander to them.
150
00:09:53,019 --> 00:09:55,772
"Lite Beer vs. Dark. The Showdown"
by Darius Grayson.
151
00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:57,816
Is that the same...
152
00:09:57,899 --> 00:09:59,818
Pulitzer-prize
winning Darius Grayson.
153
00:09:59,901 --> 00:10:01,403
He's an alumnus of our journalism staff.
154
00:10:01,486 --> 00:10:05,323
He wrote his best stuff in detox.
Still does, I'm told.
155
00:10:05,407 --> 00:10:08,702
I have got a very challenging
assignment for you.
156
00:10:08,785 --> 00:10:10,704
A story that nobody's been able to get.
157
00:10:10,787 --> 00:10:12,080
- About what?
- No, no, no.
158
00:10:12,164 --> 00:10:13,665
It's about whom.
159
00:10:31,057 --> 00:10:32,517
It does not look good.
160
00:10:32,601 --> 00:10:34,436
That's the end of the first half
161
00:10:34,519 --> 00:10:37,480
and the Chickadees will need
a miracle to come back and score.
162
00:10:47,866 --> 00:10:50,202
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step
away from Van's vehicle.
163
00:10:50,285 --> 00:10:51,453
Wilder!
164
00:10:51,536 --> 00:10:53,914
He's got no business parking there.
That's my spot.
165
00:10:55,624 --> 00:10:57,626
They need me, Ted.
166
00:11:00,629 --> 00:11:04,424
This is the first time in my life
I'm glad I'm deaf.
167
00:11:04,507 --> 00:11:08,011
I can't hear the boos. Now, listen up.
168
00:11:08,094 --> 00:11:10,847
I'm only gonna go over this one more time.
169
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,892
In the event they switch
to a zone defense,
170
00:11:13,975 --> 00:11:17,646
we must swing the ball
around the perimeter.
171
00:11:17,729 --> 00:11:20,815
This ball club is the heart
of this institution.
172
00:11:20,899 --> 00:11:23,860
You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks.
173
00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:26,571
You're not boxing out, Big Papa!
You're my Windex man.
174
00:11:26,655 --> 00:11:27,822
I want you shining glass.
175
00:11:27,906 --> 00:11:29,282
Quentin, we gotta D Up out there.
176
00:11:29,366 --> 00:11:33,078
Darius. I want you all over that ball like
a fat kid on a cupcake.
177
00:11:33,161 --> 00:11:35,705
What are you looking at, Suzy? Your mom
called, said you left your legs at home.
178
00:11:35,789 --> 00:11:38,041
For God's sake!
179
00:11:38,124 --> 00:11:41,044
I'd do anything for you guys,
180
00:11:41,127 --> 00:11:43,213
which is why I'm throwing you a little
soiree tomorrow night
181
00:11:43,296 --> 00:11:45,465
but not without a W tonight.
You want to know why?
182
00:11:45,548 --> 00:11:48,093
'Cause nobody wants
to celebrate a loss, guys.
183
00:11:48,176 --> 00:11:50,762
Hey, man, you gonna invite those freak
honeys from Mount Holyoke?
184
00:11:50,845 --> 00:11:53,014
I already did.
185
00:11:53,098 --> 00:11:55,684
They said they'd try to make it
if they weren't humping the Matadors.
186
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:57,644
The Matadors?
187
00:11:57,727 --> 00:11:59,145
What?
188
00:12:00,855 --> 00:12:02,649
Come on, fellas. We got
a ball game to win.
189
00:12:06,486 --> 00:12:08,989
Let's go kick some Matador tail...
190
00:12:32,220 --> 00:12:36,641
How bad do you wanna be a Delta?
191
00:12:36,725 --> 00:12:39,185
Would you walk on broken glass?
192
00:12:40,186 --> 00:12:42,314
Let the shards tear
into your Achilles tendon,
193
00:12:42,397 --> 00:12:44,190
causing acute achondroplasia
194
00:12:44,274 --> 00:12:48,611
which could lead to non-congenital
dwarfism as you got older?
195
00:12:48,695 --> 00:12:51,906
Just ease up on the medical terms.
Just keep it simple and terrifying.
196
00:12:51,990 --> 00:12:53,825
Gordon, there are very few things
more terrifying
197
00:12:53,908 --> 00:12:56,369
than non-congenital dwarfism, okay?
198
00:12:56,453 --> 00:12:59,748
Hey, Richard. Ready to study?
199
00:12:59,831 --> 00:13:03,001
Gwenny, I said 9:30. It's 9:20.
200
00:13:03,084 --> 00:13:05,503
I'm in the middle
of an 80-year tradition here.
201
00:13:08,089 --> 00:13:10,884
I will be up when I'm done with my
presidential responsibilities.
202
00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:13,261
- All right?
- Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.
203
00:13:14,387 --> 00:13:17,307
Who's my alabaster princess? Mm?
204
00:13:18,433 --> 00:13:21,770
You are. You are.
205
00:13:21,853 --> 00:13:23,646
You...
206
00:13:23,730 --> 00:13:26,274
Relax, guys. They're just Doritos.
207
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,444
Listen to me, you little fuck stains!
208
00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:31,654
When I count to three, you will jump
209
00:13:31,738 --> 00:13:33,448
or else be banished
from this house forever!
210
00:13:33,531 --> 00:13:36,034
One, two...
211
00:13:40,747 --> 00:13:42,165
Fuck!
212
00:14:04,437 --> 00:14:07,607
Excuse me.
Where can I find Van Wilder?
213
00:14:07,690 --> 00:14:10,527
In the Guinness Book
of World-fucking-Records, man,
214
00:14:10,610 --> 00:14:13,154
under "Raddest fucking dude alive."
215
00:14:13,238 --> 00:14:14,989
Okay. Thanks.
216
00:14:15,073 --> 00:14:17,826
In any one
of these three rooms, Gramps.
217
00:14:23,623 --> 00:14:24,874
Van Wilder.
218
00:14:24,958 --> 00:14:26,292
Van?
219
00:14:30,422 --> 00:14:33,299
Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.
220
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:37,095
Dad, what are you doing here?
221
00:14:37,178 --> 00:14:39,180
Oh, thank God.
222
00:14:39,264 --> 00:14:40,515
No jammies.
223
00:14:40,598 --> 00:14:41,766
- Party foul.
- No, no, hey...
224
00:14:41,850 --> 00:14:43,560
Don't... Oh, dear God.
225
00:14:43,643 --> 00:14:45,728
Next time you'll know better.
226
00:14:52,110 --> 00:14:55,405
Seven years, and no degree. You should
have graduated twice by now.
227
00:14:55,488 --> 00:14:56,739
I've done a lot in seven years.
228
00:14:56,823 --> 00:14:58,867
If you don't have your doctorate,
you haven't done enough.
229
00:14:58,950 --> 00:15:01,995
But you have wasted enough of your time
and my money.
230
00:15:02,078 --> 00:15:04,914
So pack up your panties, son,
because we are heading home.
231
00:15:06,082 --> 00:15:07,083
No.
232
00:15:09,836 --> 00:15:11,963
I'm staying here with my friends.
233
00:15:12,046 --> 00:15:15,842
Fine. Maybe your friends
can pay your tuition,
234
00:15:15,925 --> 00:15:19,637
because this morning I placed a stop
payment on this semester's check.
235
00:15:19,721 --> 00:15:20,889
I'm sorry, son.
236
00:15:20,972 --> 00:15:24,017
Sometimes in life you have to realize
a poor investment
237
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,102
and simply cut your losses.
238
00:15:28,021 --> 00:15:30,273
Write that down.
239
00:15:42,827 --> 00:15:44,496
I need more time.
240
00:15:44,579 --> 00:15:46,623
There's got to be something
that we can work out.
241
00:15:47,957 --> 00:15:50,627
What is that intoxicating scent you're
wearing, Doris?
242
00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:52,378
I have cats.
243
00:15:52,462 --> 00:15:54,631
Meow.
244
00:15:58,593 --> 00:16:04,474
Maybe you could put me on some sort
of, uh, extension program?
245
00:16:04,557 --> 00:16:06,351
A little, uh, pay-as-you-go?
246
00:16:06,434 --> 00:16:08,353
Mr. Wilder, are you
trying to seduce me?
247
00:16:08,436 --> 00:16:12,273
Who, me? No.
248
00:16:15,026 --> 00:16:18,404
Hey, hey!
249
00:16:19,405 --> 00:16:22,033
You know, may-may-maybe
this isn't such a good idea.
250
00:16:22,116 --> 00:16:24,953
Being bad seldom is.
251
00:16:34,504 --> 00:16:37,173
Oh, yeah. That's the shit.
252
00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:41,844
Hey. Guess what. I'm feeling a little
cold sore coming on.
253
00:16:41,928 --> 00:16:44,931
Maybe we shouldn't do this
for three to six weeks.
254
00:16:45,014 --> 00:16:49,269
Shut up, bitch,
and give me some sugar.
255
00:17:00,071 --> 00:17:03,825
Fill this out. It's a standard payment
plan extension form.
256
00:17:04,951 --> 00:17:08,997
You mean, we didn't have to...
257
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,332
But aren't you glad we did?
258
00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:26,723
You can either mail this in
or drop it off.
259
00:17:26,806 --> 00:17:28,057
Go, baby, 90!
260
00:17:29,559 --> 00:17:30,893
Mail it in!
261
00:17:31,894 --> 00:17:34,689
Mail it in! Mail it in.
262
00:17:34,772 --> 00:17:38,067
Van, you must make four monthly
payments of $5,000 each.
263
00:17:38,151 --> 00:17:40,153
I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have
to let you go.
264
00:17:40,236 --> 00:17:44,282
I... I don't have the resources
to pay for your services anymore.
265
00:17:44,365 --> 00:17:46,451
A good soldier does not leave
his commander
266
00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:49,370
just because he lies wounded,
arms torn off at the sockets,
267
00:17:49,454 --> 00:17:52,457
intestines spilling out onto the mud,
picked at by the birds.
268
00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:54,542
I will stay on at no charge.
269
00:17:54,626 --> 00:17:56,252
Okay.
270
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,879
Exactly how much money do you have'?
271
00:17:57,962 --> 00:17:59,839
He has only $34.
272
00:17:59,922 --> 00:18:04,218
Damn, Van! What the hell
you gonna do with $34, man?
273
00:18:33,956 --> 00:18:35,833
Whoo!
274
00:18:35,917 --> 00:18:39,796
Congratulations, Taj.
Your first blow job.
275
00:18:39,879 --> 00:18:43,007
In my country, a woman's mastery
of her gastronomical releases
276
00:18:43,091 --> 00:18:44,967
is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
277
00:18:45,051 --> 00:18:48,012
Well, Desiree is the foremost connoisseur
of chili con carne
278
00:18:48,096 --> 00:18:49,305
and a TA at Coolidge.
279
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,265
I wish I had teachers like that.
280
00:18:51,349 --> 00:18:55,937
And just like that,
Topless Tutors was born.
281
00:18:56,145 --> 00:18:57,939
X
282
00:18:58,022 --> 00:19:01,567
equals... six?
283
00:19:04,237 --> 00:19:05,905
We knew you could do it.
284
00:19:05,988 --> 00:19:07,740
Desi told me how she and a few
of her grad school pals
285
00:19:07,824 --> 00:19:09,992
could use some extra income.
286
00:19:10,076 --> 00:19:12,495
Taj proved to be an excellent
company accountant,
287
00:19:12,578 --> 00:19:14,664
as well as our most valued client.
288
00:19:25,425 --> 00:19:27,093
Excuse me.
289
00:19:28,219 --> 00:19:32,557
Hi. I'm looking for information
on a current student here, Van Wilder.
290
00:19:38,730 --> 00:19:40,940
Freshman year.
I'll get the others.
291
00:19:41,023 --> 00:19:42,775
Wait, wait. There are more of these?
292
00:19:42,859 --> 00:19:44,652
Actually, there are many more.
293
00:19:44,736 --> 00:19:47,947
It seems Mr. Wilder
didn't quite come out of his shell
294
00:19:48,030 --> 00:19:50,158
until mid-sophomore year.
295
00:19:50,241 --> 00:19:52,410
Thanks.
296
00:19:56,414 --> 00:19:58,624
It's like this itchy,
rashy burning sensation.
297
00:19:58,708 --> 00:20:00,126
And it hurts when I...
298
00:20:03,004 --> 00:20:04,130
Dance?
299
00:20:04,213 --> 00:20:06,174
When I pee!
300
00:20:06,257 --> 00:20:08,092
- You hooked up with a burner, didn't you?
- Yeah.
301
00:20:08,176 --> 00:20:10,303
She seemed like a nice girl,
said it was her first time?
302
00:20:10,386 --> 00:20:12,346
You know, you should always check
the quality of the turf
303
00:20:12,430 --> 00:20:13,598
before you step onto the field.
304
00:20:13,681 --> 00:20:16,517
Listen, go to the campus hospital,
see Stu.
305
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:18,770
Tell him Van sent you,
and remember...
306
00:20:18,853 --> 00:20:20,438
Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.
307
00:20:20,521 --> 00:20:22,148
Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot.
308
00:20:22,231 --> 00:20:23,858
Don't thank me.
Thank penicillin.
309
00:20:25,818 --> 00:20:29,113
Crazy kids with their crazy VD.
310
00:20:30,907 --> 00:20:32,033
You must be Van.
311
00:20:32,116 --> 00:20:33,284
Hi.
312
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,746
I'm Gwen Pearson,
staff writer for The Liberator.
313
00:20:36,829 --> 00:20:39,457
Hey. Oh!
314
00:20:39,540 --> 00:20:42,835
Okay, look, that old bag is stronger
than she looks, all right?
315
00:20:42,919 --> 00:20:45,880
I'm doing a human interest piece on you.
316
00:20:45,963 --> 00:20:48,966
Well, I'm flattered. I'd love
for your piece to be on me.
317
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:53,012
But sadly I don't do interviews.
I never have, I never will.
318
00:20:53,095 --> 00:20:54,096
I do lunch, though.
319
00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:56,390
My editor did say
this would be a challenge.
320
00:20:56,474 --> 00:20:58,518
- Van, second date with Emily. Red? Blue?
- Blue.
321
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:01,479
Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got
killer eyes, not unlike yourself.
322
00:21:01,562 --> 00:21:02,563
Has anyone ever told you that before?
323
00:21:02,647 --> 00:21:04,524
- Yes, my boyfriend.
- Oh.
324
00:21:04,607 --> 00:21:06,567
Is it true that this is your seventh year
at Coolidge?
325
00:21:06,651 --> 00:21:09,070
Carry the two...Yes, that's correct.
326
00:21:09,153 --> 00:21:11,197
So what's your boyfriend's name?
Does he go to school here?
327
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:12,281
Does he appreciate you?
328
00:21:12,365 --> 00:21:14,367
- That's none of your business.
- You know what?
329
00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,743
You're right.
330
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,123
His name's Richard. He's premed.
331
00:21:21,207 --> 00:21:23,167
Van, you have a 1:30
with the swim team.
332
00:21:23,251 --> 00:21:24,585
On it.
333
00:21:24,669 --> 00:21:26,587
- You have an assistant?
- Yes, I do.
334
00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:31,592
Is there anything you can tell me
about yourself
335
00:21:31,676 --> 00:21:33,427
that I haven't already found out
from your public records?
336
00:21:33,511 --> 00:21:35,680
Uh-huh. I'll be at the quad tomorrow night
at 10:00. Sound good?
337
00:21:35,763 --> 00:21:37,390
- Yes.
- It's a date.
338
00:21:37,473 --> 00:21:39,684
It's an interview, not a date.
339
00:21:42,311 --> 00:21:44,981
Gwen, first dates are interviews.
340
00:21:47,233 --> 00:21:49,193
- You going out tonight?
- Mm-hmm.
341
00:21:49,277 --> 00:21:52,572
Rob's coming over. I'm closing in
on that diamond, Gwen.
342
00:21:52,655 --> 00:21:55,741
The dynamic duo
will seal the deal tonight.
343
00:21:55,825 --> 00:21:57,201
Good luck, ladies.
344
00:22:00,246 --> 00:22:03,833
Somebody got awfully dressed up
to quiz me on my first Anatomy midterm.
345
00:22:03,916 --> 00:22:06,544
I'm so sorry, baby, I totally forgot.
346
00:22:06,627 --> 00:22:09,046
- I have an interview for the paper.
- At 10:00 at night?
347
00:22:09,130 --> 00:22:12,425
Can't you postpone it?
Gwen, first exam, most crucial.
348
00:22:12,508 --> 00:22:14,468
It's not like you're on a deadline
for The Boston Globe.
349
00:22:16,304 --> 00:22:17,763
It's the only time he had available.
350
00:22:17,847 --> 00:22:19,390
I'll call you as soon
as I get back, okay? Bye.
351
00:22:22,018 --> 00:22:23,185
He?
352
00:22:28,566 --> 00:22:31,360
All right. Hey, Gwen, all right!
You're just in time.
353
00:22:31,444 --> 00:22:33,738
- Take your clothes off.
- I'm not taking off my clothes.
354
00:22:33,821 --> 00:22:38,200
Oh, well, it is the Naked Mile Run.
Everybody else is in their birthday suit.
355
00:22:40,077 --> 00:22:41,120
Except that guy.
356
00:22:42,496 --> 00:22:45,750
- Um, I have a few questions for you.
- In time. This is gonna be fun.
357
00:22:45,833 --> 00:22:48,044
You know, that three-letter word,
starts with F?
358
00:22:48,127 --> 00:22:51,213
So you're quite the campus man,
heading events like the Jéger Olympics.
359
00:22:51,297 --> 00:22:53,966
Oh, yes, well, you know,
you haven't lived
360
00:22:54,050 --> 00:22:57,011
until you've shot putted
blitzed on Jéger. Heinie?
361
00:22:57,094 --> 00:22:59,931
This was a really bad idea.
I'm leaving.
362
00:23:00,014 --> 00:23:02,975
Hey! Are we gonna
reschedule or what?
363
00:23:13,194 --> 00:23:15,071
Who's a big boy?
364
00:23:15,154 --> 00:23:16,447
Who's a big--
365
00:23:16,530 --> 00:23:18,532
Oh, God!
366
00:23:18,616 --> 00:23:21,077
Those things could
raise the Titanic.
367
00:23:22,787 --> 00:23:24,080
You Van Wilder?
368
00:23:24,163 --> 00:23:26,582
The strip club owner got tired
of using his B squad,
369
00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:28,250
so he came back for the starting lineup.
370
00:23:29,543 --> 00:23:31,462
Topless Tutors was dead.
371
00:23:33,089 --> 00:23:35,466
We are truly up the Ganga river
without a bamboo oar.
372
00:23:35,549 --> 00:23:38,386
We're still $1,200 short
of your next tuition payment.
373
00:23:38,469 --> 00:23:42,431
Taj, I learned a long time ago that
worrying is like a rocking chair.
374
00:23:42,515 --> 00:23:44,725
It gives you something to do, but it
doesn't get you anywhere.
375
00:23:44,809 --> 00:23:46,394
Write that down.
376
00:23:46,477 --> 00:23:48,771
Don't even sweat it, Taj.
I think I've got a plan.
377
00:23:50,189 --> 00:23:51,941
- Let's go get fucked up.
- Sounds good.
378
00:23:52,024 --> 00:23:53,526
Is that all you people think about?
379
00:23:53,609 --> 00:23:55,403
Now, I admit I applied for this job
380
00:23:55,486 --> 00:23:58,072
because I wanted to cut loose
and shake my rump,
381
00:23:58,155 --> 00:24:01,075
but I do not believe that this dilemma
will be solved by partying.
382
00:24:05,246 --> 00:24:06,664
Can I help you, son?
383
00:24:06,747 --> 00:24:11,419
I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder.
I come to you in desperation.
384
00:24:11,502 --> 00:24:15,631
I'm Panos Patakos, president
of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity.
385
00:24:15,715 --> 00:24:19,301
I'm sure you're aware of our... stigma.
386
00:24:19,385 --> 00:24:22,304
Yeah, you guys have had
best GPA the last 50 years.
387
00:24:22,388 --> 00:24:27,643
Indeed, but believe it or not,
the best GPA doesn't get you laid.
388
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:30,563
- Damn well should.
- Amen.
389
00:24:30,646 --> 00:24:33,858
This month marks our 75th anniversary.
390
00:24:33,941 --> 00:24:37,486
I am here to ask you to aid us
in throwing a party,
391
00:24:37,570 --> 00:24:39,113
a party we can be proud of,
392
00:24:39,196 --> 00:24:42,533
a party people will actually show up to.
393
00:24:42,616 --> 00:24:44,285
Gosh, Panos, I'd really love
to help you out,
394
00:24:44,368 --> 00:24:46,287
but I have a bamboo oar
stuck up my Ganges.
395
00:24:46,370 --> 00:24:49,373
It's very scary stuff.
And I just don't have the time.
396
00:24:50,791 --> 00:24:52,501
How much is your time worth?
397
00:24:55,337 --> 00:24:59,383
Panes reminded me that I had
one very valuable skill I'd yet to tap:
398
00:24:59,467 --> 00:25:03,054
My undeniable ability
to throw one hell of a party.
399
00:25:08,350 --> 00:25:11,270
I was hanging on by a thread,
but I was still making tuition.
400
00:25:14,774 --> 00:25:17,234
The strawberry! Eat the strawberry!
It's worth 250!
401
00:25:17,318 --> 00:25:20,029
Don't you think I know that?
402
00:25:20,112 --> 00:25:22,239
- You treat me like a child.
- I don't like the way you condescend me.
403
00:25:22,323 --> 00:25:24,575
- Don't do that!
- Frankly, you're juvenile.
404
00:25:24,658 --> 00:25:26,535
Guys.
405
00:25:26,619 --> 00:25:28,245
I know Ms. Pac-Man's special.
406
00:25:28,329 --> 00:25:31,499
She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.
407
00:25:31,582 --> 00:25:33,709
But we gotta talk, guys.
408
00:25:33,793 --> 00:25:36,754
Huddle up.
Come on. Team meeting here.
409
00:25:36,837 --> 00:25:38,839
Cowboy. All right.
410
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,592
I look at you guys,
and you know what I see?
411
00:25:41,675 --> 00:25:44,261
A collective GPA of 52,000?
412
00:25:44,345 --> 00:25:45,679
Yeah! No!
413
00:25:45,763 --> 00:25:49,517
I see a bunch of party animals
crouched in attack position,
414
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,602
ready to strike. Am I right?
415
00:25:52,645 --> 00:25:54,522
No one even knows we're here.
416
00:25:54,605 --> 00:25:58,275
Au contraire, mon frére. Girls!
417
00:25:58,359 --> 00:25:59,777
Hi.
418
00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:02,279
I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri.
419
00:26:02,363 --> 00:26:04,907
Two girls utterly infatuated
420
00:26:04,990 --> 00:26:09,912
with men who have larger than normal
medulla oblongatas.
421
00:26:15,209 --> 00:26:16,794
Pearson.
422
00:26:16,877 --> 00:26:18,087
I got a hot news tip for you.
423
00:26:18,170 --> 00:26:19,588
It's Friday night.
Get the hell out of here.
424
00:26:19,672 --> 00:26:23,008
I know. I'm just doing some final
revisions to this piece on euthanasia.
425
00:26:23,092 --> 00:26:25,511
Oh, I read that. Made me want
to kill myself.
426
00:26:25,594 --> 00:26:27,847
I'm kidding.
Where's my Wilder story?
427
00:26:27,930 --> 00:26:29,056
There is no story, Elliot.
428
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:32,560
The guy's a joke. I mean, he tries to turn
every interview into a date.
429
00:26:32,643 --> 00:26:34,562
A good writer gets her story
no matter what.
430
00:26:34,645 --> 00:26:37,982
Now please get me the Wilder piece.
431
00:26:38,065 --> 00:26:41,068
He's throwing a big party tonight.
You should be there.
432
00:26:48,909 --> 00:26:51,287
- Hey.
- This is really a pimping good time.
433
00:26:51,370 --> 00:26:52,413
Yes, it is.
434
00:26:53,414 --> 00:26:54,790
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh!
435
00:26:54,874 --> 00:26:58,627
Look who's checking out
the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi.
436
00:26:58,711 --> 00:27:01,130
That's "I moan" backwards.
437
00:27:02,882 --> 00:27:04,425
I put in a good word for you.
438
00:27:06,093 --> 00:27:08,596
Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie.
439
00:27:29,074 --> 00:27:31,243
These are the most pathetic
bunch of pledges.
440
00:27:31,327 --> 00:27:32,953
- You picked 'em.
- What?
441
00:27:35,039 --> 00:27:36,624
- Hey, babe.
- Gwen.
442
00:27:36,707 --> 00:27:38,167
Why aren't you in costume?
443
00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,668
I can't stay.
I have to work tonight.
444
00:27:39,752 --> 00:27:41,462
But you're gonna miss
the biggest party of the year.
445
00:27:43,005 --> 00:27:46,091
Well, um, I gotta go.
I'll call you tomorrow.
446
00:27:46,175 --> 00:27:47,676
What?
447
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:49,803
This party so rocks, Richard.
448
00:27:49,887 --> 00:27:52,932
- This party sucks rectum, Jeannie.
- Okay.
449
00:27:55,476 --> 00:27:56,644
Where the hell is everyone?
450
00:27:56,727 --> 00:27:59,813
Mad props for this pimping good time
451
00:27:59,897 --> 00:28:01,941
go out to those hung
and handsome bad boys
452
00:28:02,024 --> 00:28:04,985
of Lambda Omega Omega.
453
00:28:05,069 --> 00:28:07,571
Thanks for the good time, fellas.
454
00:28:17,748 --> 00:28:19,166
Gwen! Hey!
455
00:28:19,250 --> 00:28:21,418
- Let's get you some skates.
- I'm not here to skate.
456
00:28:21,502 --> 00:28:23,671
Look, for some reason,
my editor thinks you're a story.
457
00:28:23,754 --> 00:28:25,339
Well, what do you think?
458
00:28:25,422 --> 00:28:29,677
As a story, I think...
You're a little soft.
459
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:33,681
Uh, wow, all this time I thought I was
more to you than just some flaccid story.
460
00:28:34,765 --> 00:28:36,558
A dilemma has arose up front.
461
00:28:36,642 --> 00:28:37,935
I don't really know
if we got our point across.
462
00:28:38,018 --> 00:28:39,478
- Crystal clear, guys.
- This is incredible.
463
00:28:39,561 --> 00:28:42,022
100%. Don't go anywhere, okay?
464
00:28:43,774 --> 00:28:44,775
Seriously, Van is a Godsend.
465
00:28:44,858 --> 00:28:47,486
I would have paid him
way more than a grand for this party.
466
00:28:47,569 --> 00:28:49,738
I would have cashed in my Israel bonds.
467
00:28:49,822 --> 00:28:52,908
- How do you put a price on dignity?
- How do you put a price on poonani?
468
00:28:52,992 --> 00:28:53,993
- Yes!
- Oh, God!
469
00:28:56,453 --> 00:28:58,247
Oh, my God. Feel it!
470
00:29:03,585 --> 00:29:05,379
Whoa. Trick or treat.
What's going on?
471
00:29:05,462 --> 00:29:09,174
This vaginal discharge won't let us
partake in the party.
472
00:29:09,258 --> 00:29:10,592
Graphic.
473
00:29:10,676 --> 00:29:12,678
I'm sure that we can accommodate
a few more, yeah?
474
00:29:12,761 --> 00:29:16,390
No can do.
We're at maximum capacity.
475
00:29:19,101 --> 00:29:21,895
- Gwen, what are you doing here?
- You two know each other?
476
00:29:21,979 --> 00:29:23,230
That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.
477
00:29:23,314 --> 00:29:26,442
- You must be premed Dick.
- Yeah, that's right.
478
00:29:26,525 --> 00:29:28,110
What's it to you?
479
00:29:28,193 --> 00:29:29,778
Thanks for the story.
480
00:29:29,862 --> 00:29:30,946
What story?
481
00:29:31,030 --> 00:29:32,990
Brilliant, Pearson.
482
00:29:33,073 --> 00:29:35,326
I have been inundated
with people telling me
483
00:29:35,409 --> 00:29:37,077
how much they enjoy reading
about this guy.
484
00:29:37,161 --> 00:29:40,414
They want more, and so do I.
I want you to do a follow-up.
485
00:29:40,497 --> 00:29:42,875
I did your story, Elliot.
I'm not doing another one.
486
00:29:42,958 --> 00:29:44,251
Even if I tell you it's gonna be
on the front page
487
00:29:44,335 --> 00:29:46,587
of the graduation issue
in two months?
488
00:29:48,881 --> 00:29:51,967
And I quote,
"Van Wilder is a party pimp."
489
00:29:52,051 --> 00:29:54,678
Sick Boy!
Can you believe she wrote that?
490
00:29:54,762 --> 00:29:56,013
Van Wilder's phone.
491
00:29:56,096 --> 00:29:58,223
I do not foresee that to be a problem.
492
00:29:58,307 --> 00:30:00,559
And that guy she's with...
All kinds of wrong for her.
493
00:30:00,642 --> 00:30:04,396
- Sick Boy, how are you doing?
- Van, the shingles are all gone.
494
00:30:05,564 --> 00:30:06,815
That ointment really worked.
495
00:30:06,899 --> 00:30:08,317
Thanks.
496
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,110
Looking good there, buddy.
497
00:30:15,741 --> 00:30:17,076
He'll call you back.
498
00:30:17,159 --> 00:30:18,619
Unbelievable.
499
00:30:18,702 --> 00:30:20,954
Van Wilder's phone.
500
00:30:21,038 --> 00:30:22,706
- Terrible.
- I think so.
501
00:30:22,790 --> 00:30:24,416
Uh, yeah.
502
00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:26,251
- Hang on.
- Unbelievable.
503
00:30:26,335 --> 00:30:28,879
Van's room.
Saturday night, yeah.
504
00:30:28,962 --> 00:30:30,923
That's... How did you...
From the paper?
505
00:30:31,006 --> 00:30:34,176
Yeah, that's fine. Okay, thanks.
506
00:30:34,259 --> 00:30:37,346
- Yeah. No problem, confirming. Bye.
- This writing, it's just...
507
00:30:37,429 --> 00:30:38,514
- Hi, I was just wondering...
- No!
508
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:40,933
...if you could slam the door in my face.
509
00:30:41,016 --> 00:30:43,685
Van, Van, you must listen to me. Because
of her article,
510
00:30:43,769 --> 00:30:46,605
practically everybody wants
to have a party thrown by Van Wilder,
511
00:30:46,688 --> 00:30:48,357
the party liaison.
512
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,858
Your cash camel has arrived.
513
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:56,532
We need to talk.
514
00:30:59,410 --> 00:31:01,829
This is why I don't do interviews.
You totally slammed me.
515
00:31:01,912 --> 00:31:04,456
You journalists
and your irresponsible reporting.
516
00:31:04,540 --> 00:31:07,543
I recorded quotes that you received money
from the Lambdas to throw them a party.
517
00:31:07,626 --> 00:31:10,462
Recorded? What are you, bugged?
Do I need to frisk you?
518
00:31:10,546 --> 00:31:12,381
Why is my story such a big deal to you?
519
00:31:12,464 --> 00:31:15,300
Because I didn't want students to know
that I threw the party.
520
00:31:15,384 --> 00:31:18,929
Yeah, they paid me, but that's not
the only reason I did it.
521
00:31:19,012 --> 00:31:22,015
Those Lambdas are cool in their own right.
People just needed to realize it.
522
00:31:22,099 --> 00:31:25,561
I'm sorry. I didn't know, you know,
you had a benevolent agenda.
523
00:31:25,644 --> 00:31:27,980
There's two sides to every story, Gwen.
524
00:31:28,063 --> 00:31:30,524
Look, I have a chance to make front page
of the graduation issue,
525
00:31:30,607 --> 00:31:32,860
which is a huge deal to me. Please.
526
00:31:32,943 --> 00:31:35,737
- Let me get the other side.
- All right.
527
00:31:35,821 --> 00:31:37,698
There's this function
I'm hosting tomorrow night.
528
00:31:37,781 --> 00:31:40,826
If you want, you could tag along.
529
00:31:40,909 --> 00:31:43,162
- I'll be there.
- It's a date.
530
00:31:43,245 --> 00:31:45,706
It's an interview.
531
00:31:45,789 --> 00:31:47,958
Remember, today's assignment
is about shadow.
532
00:31:48,041 --> 00:31:50,210
So don't get too hung up on detail.
533
00:31:50,294 --> 00:31:52,421
All right, everybody?
534
00:31:52,504 --> 00:31:55,466
Oh, Lord.
535
00:31:56,467 --> 00:31:59,511
So much sinew,
I need a bigger pencil.
536
00:31:59,595 --> 00:32:02,723
8:30 p.m. Yeah, that's fine.
Hello, hello? Yeah...
537
00:32:02,806 --> 00:32:04,099
Word spread around campus.
538
00:32:04,183 --> 00:32:07,186
My calendar was filled
with parties to plan.
539
00:32:07,269 --> 00:32:10,689
Van Wilder,
party liaison, was born.
540
00:32:12,024 --> 00:32:14,776
At the Hillel House,
I broke bread.
541
00:32:14,860 --> 00:32:16,612
And then I broke the boredom.
542
00:32:21,366 --> 00:32:22,910
They said I did them a mitzvah.
543
00:32:22,993 --> 00:32:24,453
That's Yiddish for "good deed."
544
00:32:24,536 --> 00:32:26,955
Write that down.
545
00:32:27,039 --> 00:32:29,541
Oh, yeah, she came, too.
546
00:32:34,046 --> 00:32:36,006
This is the second party of his
she's gone to.
547
00:32:36,089 --> 00:32:37,633
Sounds serious. Threatened?
548
00:32:39,051 --> 00:32:41,678
Threatened? Please.
549
00:32:43,639 --> 00:32:46,934
I'm president of both my fraternity
and the student government.
550
00:32:47,017 --> 00:32:50,395
He's nothing more
than a mild rectal itch.
551
00:32:52,022 --> 00:32:53,690
You know what you do
about a mild rectal itch, Gordo?
552
00:32:53,774 --> 00:32:55,901
- What's that, Richard?
- You scratch it.
553
00:32:55,984 --> 00:32:57,945
And then you scratch it some more.
554
00:32:58,028 --> 00:33:01,490
The more you scratch at it, the worse it
gets until finally you have nothing left
555
00:33:01,573 --> 00:33:06,578
but a raw, chafed,
possibly infected anal cavity.
556
00:33:06,662 --> 00:33:08,455
And then it's won.
557
00:33:09,581 --> 00:33:12,543
When all you had to do from the start
was take a medicated pad...
558
00:33:14,878 --> 00:33:16,171
and smother it.
559
00:33:21,218 --> 00:33:23,679
All right, people,
midterm is next week.
560
00:33:25,389 --> 00:33:27,140
Here you have your five categories.
561
00:33:27,224 --> 00:33:30,352
Commerce and trade,
so forth and so on.
562
00:33:30,435 --> 00:33:32,104
What you doing?
563
00:33:32,187 --> 00:33:34,773
I'm in the middle of class.
564
00:33:34,856 --> 00:33:36,483
You know, that five-letter word.
565
00:33:36,567 --> 00:33:40,195
I thought we could spend some time
together for the story.
566
00:33:41,572 --> 00:33:42,864
H9)'-
567
00:33:42,948 --> 00:33:45,075
I want you to have this.
568
00:33:46,618 --> 00:33:49,079
- Yeah.
- And thank you.
569
00:33:49,162 --> 00:33:50,414
All right, things to remember.
570
00:33:50,497 --> 00:33:52,541
Commerce and trade...
571
00:33:52,624 --> 00:33:55,460
Everybody just file out
in an orderly fashion.
572
00:34:04,469 --> 00:34:07,222
What? Wha-- Oh, come on. Hop in.
573
00:34:07,306 --> 00:34:08,765
I am not getting in that thing with you.
574
00:34:08,849 --> 00:34:11,059
If you want the story,
you'll get in this thing with me.
575
00:34:14,104 --> 00:34:15,772
What happened?
ls everyone okay?
576
00:34:20,819 --> 00:34:21,987
Wilder.
577
00:34:24,489 --> 00:34:26,199
Are we gonna get in trouble
for being in here?
578
00:34:26,283 --> 00:34:28,035
No, no, it's cool.
The equipment manager owes me a favor.
579
00:34:28,118 --> 00:34:29,661
I introduced him to his wife.
580
00:34:29,745 --> 00:34:31,997
Life is all about developing
relationships, Gwen.
581
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:33,582
I hope you can skate.
582
00:34:35,917 --> 00:34:38,545
So the deal is, I score,
583
00:34:38,629 --> 00:34:41,214
you cooperate
and answer all my questions?
584
00:34:41,298 --> 00:34:43,759
- I miss...
- Dinner for two, me and you.
585
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:46,345
Clothing optional.
586
00:35:01,818 --> 00:35:03,779
Ow.
587
00:35:09,743 --> 00:35:10,744
Come on!
588
00:35:18,085 --> 00:35:19,169
Holy crap.
589
00:35:38,980 --> 00:35:40,107
My brothers play hockey...
590
00:35:41,900 --> 00:35:43,485
...for the Rangers.
591
00:35:44,820 --> 00:35:47,406
My dad just didn't see me
as a sound investment anymore.
592
00:35:47,489 --> 00:35:53,453
But he gave up on me and my morn long
before I ever came here.
593
00:35:53,537 --> 00:35:55,664
Maybe seven years of tuition
594
00:35:55,747 --> 00:35:58,333
is a good way to remind him
that you're still angry.
595
00:36:00,085 --> 00:36:03,839
So how long have you and premed Richard
been together?
596
00:36:03,922 --> 00:36:05,632
Since my freshman year.
597
00:36:05,716 --> 00:36:07,134
I bet he's a tighty whitey guy.
598
00:36:07,217 --> 00:36:10,178
- Excuse me?
- White, elastic band, constrictive.
599
00:36:10,262 --> 00:36:12,514
You can tell a lot about a person
by the kind of drawers they wear.
600
00:36:12,597 --> 00:36:14,224
Like you. Granny panties, I bet.
601
00:36:14,307 --> 00:36:16,852
Does that allude to me
being the plain, boring type?
602
00:36:16,935 --> 00:36:20,355
No, I just wanted a visual.
603
00:36:20,439 --> 00:36:23,692
Well, I think it takes a lot more
than the kind of underwear one wears
604
00:36:23,775 --> 00:36:25,068
to define them as a person.
605
00:36:25,152 --> 00:36:27,446
Like what?
606
00:36:27,529 --> 00:36:29,656
Like their actions.
607
00:36:29,740 --> 00:36:31,575
For instance,
608
00:36:31,658 --> 00:36:34,536
most people want to get out of school
so they can make money.
609
00:36:34,619 --> 00:36:39,040
You're trying to make money
to stay in school. Why?
610
00:36:39,124 --> 00:36:42,878
I like it here.
611
00:36:42,961 --> 00:36:45,380
What about your future?
612
00:36:45,464 --> 00:36:47,340
You take life way too seriously.
613
00:36:47,424 --> 00:36:49,885
Life is serious.
614
00:36:49,968 --> 00:36:52,804
You know, I used to party with this guy
who once told me,
615
00:36:52,888 --> 00:36:55,682
"Van, don't take life too seriously.
You'll never get out alive."
616
00:36:58,685 --> 00:37:00,854
He used to write for the school paper.
617
00:37:00,937 --> 00:37:03,607
He kept babbling about the differences
between light and dark beer.
618
00:37:06,735 --> 00:37:08,904
Very strange, but good advice.
619
00:37:08,987 --> 00:37:10,906
You think about the future too much,
620
00:37:10,989 --> 00:37:14,034
you know, you kinda forget
about the present, obviously.
621
00:37:15,285 --> 00:37:18,663
And I am really enjoying
the present right now,
622
00:37:18,747 --> 00:37:21,583
sharing a penalty box
and a tri-latte with Gwen Pearson,
623
00:37:21,666 --> 00:37:25,587
who believes censorship reflects
society's lack of confidence in itself.
624
00:37:25,670 --> 00:37:27,589
You actually read that article?
625
00:37:27,672 --> 00:37:30,050
Okay, look, I read
the damn article, all right?
626
00:37:30,133 --> 00:37:32,552
But don't tell anyone, because if word
gets out that I read,
627
00:37:32,636 --> 00:37:35,472
my reputation?
Shot to hell.
628
00:37:40,185 --> 00:37:43,814
She's smart, she's beautiful,
629
00:37:43,897 --> 00:37:45,816
she can skate.
630
00:37:45,899 --> 00:37:49,945
She's not for you, dude.
She's too high-strung.
631
00:37:50,028 --> 00:37:51,530
Besides, babes that fine?
632
00:37:51,613 --> 00:37:54,491
They're way into themselves and shit.
633
00:37:54,574 --> 00:37:56,034
Van.
634
00:37:57,285 --> 00:37:58,286
After this weekend,
635
00:37:58,370 --> 00:38:01,331
we should have sufficient funds to cover
your next two payments.
636
00:38:01,414 --> 00:38:03,625
I mean, this girl is dynamite.
637
00:38:05,210 --> 00:38:07,629
Too bad she's dating Strapper John, MD.
638
00:38:11,842 --> 00:38:14,010
Where did you find that?
639
00:38:14,094 --> 00:38:15,720
In your room a few days ago.
640
00:38:15,804 --> 00:38:19,182
I'm trying to spark this bong, but this
damn thing won't light.
641
00:38:19,266 --> 00:38:21,893
That's no bong.
It's for my schlong.
642
00:38:27,524 --> 00:38:29,109
Hold on.
643
00:38:29,192 --> 00:38:31,361
You mean I put my mouth
on your cock pump?
644
00:38:33,196 --> 00:38:34,823
Oh, damn.
645
00:38:38,910 --> 00:38:41,121
I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night,
646
00:38:41,204 --> 00:38:43,331
and I just wanted to bring my A game.
647
00:38:44,791 --> 00:38:48,962
Taj, come on.
That's what I'm here for, all right?
648
00:38:49,045 --> 00:38:51,381
Now, follow my foolproof plan,
649
00:38:51,464 --> 00:38:54,175
and I'm gonna help you put the bang
in Banglapur.
650
00:38:54,259 --> 00:38:57,095
All you need are the three fundamentals:
scented candles,
651
00:38:57,178 --> 00:39:00,682
massage oil,
652
00:39:00,765 --> 00:39:02,309
and Barry White.
653
00:39:02,392 --> 00:39:03,894
Write that down.
654
00:39:04,895 --> 00:39:07,939
- Hey, no cock pump.
- No cock pump.
655
00:39:08,023 --> 00:39:10,317
Barry White.
656
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,861
I'm gonna go wash my hands now.
657
00:39:12,944 --> 00:39:17,324
Oh, Gwen. Your labia feels so good
around my swollen phallus.
658
00:39:19,743 --> 00:39:21,494
Oh, I'm fairly confident
I'm going to ejaculate.
659
00:39:21,578 --> 00:39:24,998
I'm releasing my seminal fluids
inside of you now.
660
00:39:38,261 --> 00:39:39,679
Are you okay?
661
00:39:41,932 --> 00:39:43,934
Yeah. Why?
662
00:39:45,352 --> 00:39:47,604
Well, didn't you...
663
00:39:47,687 --> 00:39:49,481
Well, it's kind of hard in 15 seconds.
664
00:39:50,482 --> 00:39:51,775
Damn it, Gwen.
665
00:39:54,319 --> 00:39:56,529
You know the kind of pressure I'm under
with my exams.
666
00:39:58,990 --> 00:40:00,742
- I'm sorry.
- No, look, I'm sorry.
667
00:40:00,825 --> 00:40:02,410
This semester's marks
could very well determine
668
00:40:02,494 --> 00:40:04,996
the next 10 years of our life together.
Do you realize that?
669
00:40:07,666 --> 00:40:09,292
You know,
670
00:40:09,376 --> 00:40:12,587
you shouldn't take life too seriously.
671
00:40:12,671 --> 00:40:15,006
You'll never get out alive.
672
00:40:18,969 --> 00:40:20,971
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
673
00:40:24,474 --> 00:40:26,977
I'm late for my study group.
674
00:40:36,361 --> 00:40:38,780
She was getting awfully chummy
with the rectal itch.
675
00:40:38,863 --> 00:40:41,408
Son of a bitch. Disappear!
676
00:40:41,491 --> 00:40:43,034
Yes, superior leader, sir.
677
00:40:47,205 --> 00:40:49,416
It's time to excise
that cancerous lump.
678
00:40:49,499 --> 00:40:51,209
Forget him tonight.
Let's crap in the chapter room
679
00:40:51,292 --> 00:40:53,962
and make the pledges clean it up.
It'll be fun.
680
00:40:54,045 --> 00:40:57,090
I wish I could, Gordo.
I got dinner at Gwen's parents' house.
681
00:40:58,091 --> 00:41:00,010
Sounds special.
ls Wilder gonna be there?
682
00:41:01,011 --> 00:41:03,680
Hey, guys. Hey, Richard.
683
00:41:03,763 --> 00:41:05,682
Is there anything
I can do for you today?
684
00:41:11,521 --> 00:41:13,023
Dear Van...
685
00:41:18,528 --> 00:41:20,530
Here you go, Ta}
Get your rave on, man.
686
00:41:20,613 --> 00:41:22,115
Thanks. You got it.
687
00:41:22,198 --> 00:41:25,118
"See you tonight. Gwen. "
The invite to the parents' house.
688
00:41:25,201 --> 00:41:29,164
This is-- this is big.
This is very, very big.
689
00:41:29,247 --> 00:41:31,166
- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
- Details.
690
00:41:31,249 --> 00:41:33,585
- I'm off. Taj, you're in charge.
- No, no, no.
691
00:41:33,668 --> 00:41:35,837
No, I do not think I'm capable of handling
such a responsibility.
692
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:39,716
Hey, hey! Listen to me. Do you know
why I chose you as my assistant?
693
00:41:39,799 --> 00:41:42,260
- So you could teach me how to muff dive?
- No.
694
00:41:42,343 --> 00:41:47,807
Well, yeah, but also, because you have
the potential to be great.
695
00:42:04,574 --> 00:42:06,367
- Hello.
- Hi.
696
00:42:06,451 --> 00:42:08,703
- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Van...
697
00:42:08,787 --> 00:42:11,331
Van, you made it.
698
00:42:11,414 --> 00:42:14,209
Evelyn, this is one of your daughter's
acquaintances from school.
699
00:42:14,292 --> 00:42:15,960
There's room for one more, isn't there?
700
00:42:16,044 --> 00:42:18,088
By all means. Come in, please.
701
00:42:21,883 --> 00:42:25,553
Definitely be out of the question
unless, of course, they all agreed with us
702
00:42:25,637 --> 00:42:27,847
and we talked it over.
703
00:42:30,266 --> 00:42:31,351
Excuse me, gentlemen.
704
00:42:32,435 --> 00:42:35,021
Excuse me, gentlemen.
705
00:42:35,105 --> 00:42:38,066
Van, this is Dr. Henke, proctologist.
706
00:42:38,149 --> 00:42:43,029
Oh, well, holy crap.
I hope you're not on call tonight, huh?
707
00:42:43,113 --> 00:42:45,281
- Dr. Beeverman, OB-GYN.
- Oh.
708
00:42:45,365 --> 00:42:47,617
Van Wilder. G-L-A-D to meet you.
709
00:42:49,244 --> 00:42:50,912
And of course, Gwen's father.
710
00:42:50,995 --> 00:42:54,624
Oh, you know, I'm gonna go out on a limb
here. Uh, Dr. Pearson?
711
00:42:54,707 --> 00:42:57,168
- Indeed.
-lndeed.Supen
712
00:42:57,252 --> 00:43:01,131
All right. So am I here for a physical?
713
00:43:01,214 --> 00:43:05,426
'Cause I'm gonna need a few cocktails
before I start coughing for you fellas.
714
00:43:12,517 --> 00:43:13,726
What are you doing here?
715
00:43:13,810 --> 00:43:15,436
I don't know.
716
00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:17,313
No, thank you.
717
00:43:17,397 --> 00:43:20,150
Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian.
718
00:43:20,233 --> 00:43:22,735
He's in his, what, sixth year?
719
00:43:22,819 --> 00:43:24,487
Mm. Lucky number seven, actually.
720
00:43:25,572 --> 00:43:26,906
What are you studying, son?
721
00:43:26,990 --> 00:43:28,408
Well, I dabble in a little bit
of everything.
722
00:43:28,491 --> 00:43:31,411
I've tried to experience all that Coolidge
has to offer.
723
00:43:31,494 --> 00:43:33,580
Well, surely you have
a career in mind.
724
00:43:33,663 --> 00:43:36,249
No, not really.
725
00:43:36,332 --> 00:43:38,418
I'm still looking for that
dare-to-be-great situation.
726
00:43:38,501 --> 00:43:41,880
Maybe you should start looking
for that dare-to-be-employed situation.
727
00:43:41,963 --> 00:43:44,215
The student body
finds Van so intriguing
728
00:43:44,299 --> 00:43:46,593
that my editor has asked me to do
an expose on him
729
00:43:46,676 --> 00:43:48,052
for the school newspaper.
730
00:43:48,136 --> 00:43:50,138
Well, isn't that wonderful?
731
00:43:50,221 --> 00:43:51,598
That will be quite the page-turner.
732
00:43:51,681 --> 00:43:52,932
It'll be a very well written article.
733
00:43:53,016 --> 00:43:55,310
Gwen is an extremely gifted journalist.
734
00:43:55,393 --> 00:43:58,062
Are you and Richard
in the same fraternity?
735
00:43:58,146 --> 00:43:59,480
Oh, no, no, no.
736
00:43:59,564 --> 00:44:03,276
Van isn't exactly Delta Iota Kappa
material.
737
00:44:03,359 --> 00:44:06,696
Richard, you rascal, you never told me
that you were a DIK.
738
00:44:08,198 --> 00:44:09,991
Not that you had to.
739
00:44:10,992 --> 00:44:12,827
I'm gonna go get another bottle
of champagne.
740
00:44:12,911 --> 00:44:15,246
- Richard, will you help me open it?
- Sure.
741
00:44:21,502 --> 00:44:22,962
Wow.
742
00:44:23,046 --> 00:44:25,548
If he's here, who's running Hell?
743
00:44:27,759 --> 00:44:29,135
What are exactly do you think
you're doing out there?
744
00:44:29,219 --> 00:44:30,637
Proving a point.
745
00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:33,806
Your friend doesn't fit in.
He's a virus, and I'm the vaccine.
746
00:44:33,890 --> 00:44:35,350
I can't believe you're doing this.
747
00:44:35,433 --> 00:44:36,809
Pop quiz. True or false.
748
00:44:36,893 --> 00:44:40,396
You and that GDI have been spending
an inordinate amount of time together.
749
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:42,649
True. Now here's a multiple choice
question for you.
750
00:44:42,732 --> 00:44:43,858
You're A, an asshole,
751
00:44:43,942 --> 00:44:46,653
B, an asshole who isn't staying
at my place tonight, or C, all the above?
752
00:44:46,736 --> 00:44:48,821
What's B again?
753
00:44:48,905 --> 00:44:51,699
Gwenny, I'm kidding. I apologize.
754
00:44:51,783 --> 00:44:54,661
- Gwenny, where are you going?
- To go save Van.
755
00:44:54,744 --> 00:44:58,206
God only knows what my parents and their
stuck up friends are doing to him now.
756
00:45:06,381 --> 00:45:08,049
Oh! Okay! All right!
757
00:45:08,132 --> 00:45:11,177
You're a natural, Dr. P.
Hey, what are you looking at?
758
00:45:11,261 --> 00:45:14,389
- Henke, you're up. Come on.
- Hey, all right. All right.
759
00:45:15,765 --> 00:45:18,184
Easy, sailor.
760
00:45:41,833 --> 00:45:44,752
All right, Wilder, let's dance.
761
00:45:44,836 --> 00:45:46,713
It's a good day to die, McDoogle.
762
00:45:48,548 --> 00:45:50,675
Oh, yes.
763
00:46:14,490 --> 00:46:16,451
Jesus! Criminy!
764
00:46:16,534 --> 00:46:19,370
What happened to you, Wilder?
Don't think I don't remember.
765
00:46:19,454 --> 00:46:21,789
You got an A in my freshman
economics class.
766
00:46:21,873 --> 00:46:23,458
You remember one thing,
young man.
767
00:46:23,541 --> 00:46:26,627
Apathy is the glove
into which evil slips its hand.
768
00:46:26,711 --> 00:46:28,629
I'll write that down.
769
00:46:28,713 --> 00:46:31,466
You do that. You're not
fooling anybody, Wilder!
770
00:46:31,549 --> 00:46:34,218
You're only fooling yourself!
771
00:46:42,977 --> 00:46:44,854
- Why don't you walk?
- I think I'll walk from here.
772
00:46:48,900 --> 00:46:51,819
Are you stalking me'?
Because that would be super.
773
00:46:51,903 --> 00:46:54,822
Well, my mom did want me to invite you
to her Tupperware party next week.
774
00:46:54,906 --> 00:46:57,617
Was that a...
775
00:46:57,700 --> 00:46:59,494
Judges' ruling.
776
00:46:59,577 --> 00:47:02,497
Uh-huh. Yeah.
I do believe that was a joke.
777
00:47:08,252 --> 00:47:11,297
I want to apologize for what Richard did
the other night.
778
00:47:11,381 --> 00:47:14,175
It was a really immature stunt.
779
00:47:14,258 --> 00:47:16,344
Yeah, I know,
780
00:47:16,427 --> 00:47:19,597
but, you know, sometimes guys can do
some pretty childish things, Gwen.
781
00:47:23,684 --> 00:47:24,685
Let us proceed.
782
00:48:00,555 --> 00:48:01,556
Is he ready?
783
00:48:02,557 --> 00:48:04,183
Ah, yeah, he's ready.
784
00:48:04,267 --> 00:48:05,268
It's go time.
785
00:48:16,279 --> 00:48:17,905
Such a good boy.
786
00:48:18,948 --> 00:48:22,493
Stop for a second.
Stop for a second. Stop.
787
00:48:22,577 --> 00:48:24,078
Okay.
788
00:48:34,172 --> 00:48:36,716
For the love of God.
789
00:48:36,799 --> 00:48:38,134
Smile, buddy.
790
00:48:44,765 --> 00:48:46,225
Lovely.
791
00:48:46,309 --> 00:48:49,228
It's all about presentation, gentlemen.
792
00:48:57,195 --> 00:48:59,655
Well, I'll be damned!
793
00:48:59,739 --> 00:49:01,991
Poor guyjust needed a little TLC.
794
00:49:08,122 --> 00:49:10,333
I got it, guys.
No problem whatsoever.
795
00:49:13,961 --> 00:49:16,214
Let the damn baby have his ball back.
796
00:49:19,300 --> 00:49:20,843
Thank you, brothers.
797
00:49:23,304 --> 00:49:25,806
It's not like he can
see out of it anyway.
798
00:49:25,890 --> 00:49:27,183
Loser.
799
00:49:33,147 --> 00:49:34,774
Awesome work, sisters.
800
00:49:39,403 --> 00:49:40,655
Special delivery, Richard.
801
00:49:42,156 --> 00:49:45,326
- Time out.
- What the fuck, Jeannie?
802
00:49:45,409 --> 00:49:48,996
"From the sisters of Sigma Theta Tau."
Well, dig in, guys.
803
00:49:53,084 --> 00:49:54,961
Mmm.
804
00:49:55,044 --> 00:49:58,256
Oh, they're still warm.
805
00:50:01,008 --> 00:50:03,094
- So creamy.
- They're awesome.
806
00:50:03,177 --> 00:50:05,680
Oh!
807
00:50:09,350 --> 00:50:11,519
Oh, they're so creamy.
808
00:50:12,728 --> 00:50:15,189
God, these are excellent.
809
00:50:16,274 --> 00:50:17,400
Um, guys? Richard?
810
00:50:17,483 --> 00:50:18,526
Mmm.
811
00:50:22,029 --> 00:50:23,573
Think I've had these before.
812
00:50:23,656 --> 00:50:25,366
Richard.
813
00:50:31,706 --> 00:50:33,165
Oh, my God!
814
00:50:38,212 --> 00:50:39,839
I love this song.
815
00:50:39,922 --> 00:50:41,632
I know.
816
00:50:41,716 --> 00:50:44,552
It is the White Barry.
817
00:50:48,431 --> 00:50:50,057
Is that for me?
818
00:50:50,141 --> 00:50:51,892
I long to rub you the right way.
819
00:50:51,976 --> 00:50:55,855
You're such a bad little Badalandabad.
820
00:51:03,321 --> 00:51:04,697
No harm, no foul.
821
00:51:08,618 --> 00:51:09,827
Are you all right?
822
00:51:09,910 --> 00:51:12,121
Never better,
my little jasmine flower.
823
00:51:31,349 --> 00:51:32,850
That feels good.
824
00:51:38,272 --> 00:51:41,859
Oh, my God.
825
00:51:41,942 --> 00:51:45,488
On, Taj...
826
00:51:45,571 --> 00:51:47,031
Take me.
827
00:51:47,114 --> 00:51:48,991
I want you now.
828
00:51:49,075 --> 00:51:50,868
Now.
829
00:51:50,951 --> 00:51:52,953
Shit!
830
00:51:53,037 --> 00:51:55,164
Don't tease me.
831
00:52:06,300 --> 00:52:08,511
This is the culmination
of my being.
832
00:52:08,594 --> 00:52:12,139
Baby, I'm about to culminate.
Now, get over here.
833
00:52:13,307 --> 00:52:15,393
Oh, Tajy, I'm so hot.
834
00:52:15,476 --> 00:52:16,936
I feel on fire.
835
00:52:17,019 --> 00:52:18,104
Oh, yeah, me, too, baby.
836
00:52:18,187 --> 00:52:20,940
- Burning up?
- Oh, yeah, baby, I'm burning up.
837
00:52:21,023 --> 00:52:24,110
You are most amazing
to make me feel so...
838
00:52:24,193 --> 00:52:26,112
Damn hot!
839
00:52:30,908 --> 00:52:33,703
I wonder how T-Bad's date's going.
840
00:52:33,786 --> 00:52:37,748
Scented candles,
massage oils, Barry White.
841
00:52:37,832 --> 00:52:41,502
Yeah, we can't be too far
from climax, huh?
842
00:52:41,585 --> 00:52:44,296
Whoa!
843
00:53:00,730 --> 00:53:02,648
Why do I always fail'?
844
00:53:02,732 --> 00:53:04,316
You put too much pressure on yourself.
845
00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:06,610
Don't worry about the money.
I'll figure something out.
846
00:53:06,694 --> 00:53:09,739
More importantly,
847
00:53:09,822 --> 00:53:12,867
when the time is right,
848
00:53:12,950 --> 00:53:14,285
it'll happen.
849
00:53:14,368 --> 00:53:16,078
You'll find the one.
850
00:53:31,218 --> 00:53:34,722
Hi. I need to see the grade transcripts
for Van Wilder, please.
851
00:53:34,805 --> 00:53:36,724
I don't think so.
852
00:53:36,807 --> 00:53:40,144
Student transcripts
are confidential. Sorry.
853
00:54:13,719 --> 00:54:16,222
Swim team really does
need your love, folks.
854
00:54:16,305 --> 00:54:20,351
And if Milty Mingleton can shove himself
855
00:54:20,434 --> 00:54:22,978
into that weenie bikini...
856
00:54:27,274 --> 00:54:30,528
...then you don't need to be shy
about making your donations now!
857
00:55:02,726 --> 00:55:05,563
- Whoo!
- Yes!
858
00:55:08,524 --> 00:55:11,026
Thank you, Milty!
859
00:55:13,279 --> 00:55:15,948
After we put all
the water back in the pool,
860
00:55:16,031 --> 00:55:21,370
we'll be accepting donations in the form
of cash, Visa and full-frontal nudity.
861
00:55:21,453 --> 00:55:22,663
Hutch, take over.
862
00:55:25,124 --> 00:55:27,585
That's right, folks.
Save the swim team.
863
00:55:28,794 --> 00:55:30,087
Hi, Gwen.
864
00:55:30,170 --> 00:55:32,715
Bikini-clad judges for a fundraiser?
That's pretty genius.
865
00:55:32,798 --> 00:55:35,384
Sex sells, Gwen. Sex sells.
866
00:55:35,467 --> 00:55:38,304
Listen, it's not too late for you to enter
the doubles breaststroke if you like.
867
00:55:38,387 --> 00:55:41,056
No, thanks. I forgot my suit.
868
00:55:41,140 --> 00:55:43,559
I just came across a bit of interesting
information, though.
869
00:55:43,642 --> 00:55:44,810
All right, look.
870
00:55:44,894 --> 00:55:48,397
The vet assured me that canine semen
is perfectly healthy.
871
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:50,065
In fact, surprisingly rich...
872
00:55:50,149 --> 00:55:53,068
You've been 18 units shy of graduating
for the past six semesters.
873
00:55:57,156 --> 00:56:01,035
Whoa. You, uh, went klepto
on my transcripts.
874
00:56:01,118 --> 00:56:03,078
What's going on with you, Van?
875
00:56:03,162 --> 00:56:05,372
You're actively trying
not to get out of here.
876
00:56:05,456 --> 00:56:08,375
Why are you doing this? Huh?
877
00:56:08,459 --> 00:56:09,960
Do you ever stop playing
the in-depth reporter?
878
00:56:10,044 --> 00:56:13,213
L just want to know
why you're putting off your life.
879
00:56:13,297 --> 00:56:15,841
Not for the paper. For me.
880
00:56:16,842 --> 00:56:18,093
Well, I have no comment.
881
00:56:20,137 --> 00:56:21,472
For either of you.
882
00:56:56,006 --> 00:56:59,760
External occipital protuberance.
883
00:56:59,843 --> 00:57:03,013
Posterior gluteal line.
884
00:57:05,849 --> 00:57:07,559
Dorsal appendage.
885
00:57:07,643 --> 00:57:10,104
Gwen. Was the last one right'?
886
00:57:10,187 --> 00:57:11,188
Uh, yeah, that's right.
887
00:57:11,271 --> 00:57:14,775
Wrong! The dorsal appendage exists only
in marine-equipped mammalia.
888
00:57:14,858 --> 00:57:16,485
I knew you weren't listening.
889
00:57:16,568 --> 00:57:18,988
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
890
00:57:19,071 --> 00:57:21,615
Let's get out of here, go grab a beer.
891
00:57:21,699 --> 00:57:25,786
Are you insane? You know
my midterm and finals ritual.
892
00:57:25,869 --> 00:57:28,455
I study till 11 :00.
Nine solid hours of sleep.
893
00:57:28,539 --> 00:57:30,249
Protein shake in the morning.
894
00:57:30,332 --> 00:57:31,792
Okay, very cute.
895
00:57:31,875 --> 00:57:34,128
And also correct.
896
00:57:34,211 --> 00:57:36,797
Which gives us two hours
and 53 minutes of study time.
897
00:57:36,880 --> 00:57:39,925
So, honey, please focus.
All righty?
898
00:57:44,430 --> 00:57:46,515
I have confirmations
from the African-American Club,
899
00:57:46,598 --> 00:57:48,851
the Gay and Lesbian Caucus,
MECCA, HEPA, PETA.
900
00:57:48,934 --> 00:57:51,603
This multi-coalition party
was a masterful plan.
901
00:57:51,687 --> 00:57:54,481
It should triple our income.
I just hope it's enough.
902
00:57:54,565 --> 00:57:56,859
Van, you must listen to me.
903
00:57:56,942 --> 00:58:00,237
We are merely one party away
from accomplishing our goal.
904
00:58:00,320 --> 00:58:01,488
What if she's right, huh?
905
00:58:01,572 --> 00:58:04,491
What if I'm avoiding graduation
because I'm scared?
906
00:58:04,575 --> 00:58:06,201
Listen to yourself, meathead.
907
00:58:06,285 --> 00:58:09,079
You've never doubted yourself
in your whole life.
908
00:58:09,163 --> 00:58:12,458
This girl's got you fiending, man.
It's not good.
909
00:58:12,541 --> 00:58:15,544
- Not good at all.
- Hey, you.
910
00:58:15,627 --> 00:58:18,255
Please move banner a skosh higher, huh?
911
00:58:18,338 --> 00:58:19,715
H9)'-
912
00:58:19,798 --> 00:58:22,384
You got all this. I'm gonna go, uh...
913
00:58:22,468 --> 00:58:24,553
I'm gonna go make some calls
for the party, okay?
914
00:58:28,557 --> 00:58:30,642
- Hi, Van.
- Hi, Donna.
915
00:58:30,726 --> 00:58:32,352
- Hey, Van.
- Ooh, hey, guys.
916
00:58:35,522 --> 00:58:36,982
What are you doing in here?
917
00:58:37,066 --> 00:58:38,984
I had to talk to you.
918
00:58:39,068 --> 00:58:42,863
I thought a lot about what
you said, and, uh...
919
00:58:42,946 --> 00:58:45,407
Well, just... just...
920
00:58:45,491 --> 00:58:47,201
Just take a look at this.
921
00:58:47,284 --> 00:58:49,620
Yeah. Doodles.
922
00:58:49,703 --> 00:58:52,915
I attended class today.
Just about stayed the whole time, too.
923
00:58:52,998 --> 00:58:55,000
I'm glad you went to all your classes
today.
924
00:58:55,084 --> 00:58:57,002
And a few that weren't mine.
Stepped into the wrong one.
925
00:58:57,086 --> 00:58:59,296
Liked what I heard, stayed.
926
00:58:59,379 --> 00:59:01,757
That's great. It really is, Van.
927
00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:05,636
It really is. But don't do it for me.
928
00:59:07,137 --> 00:59:08,430
Do it for you.
929
00:59:08,514 --> 00:59:11,350
Maybe I'm doing it for both of us.
930
00:59:12,684 --> 00:59:16,730
I shouldn't even be talking
to you like this.
931
00:59:16,814 --> 00:59:19,108
And I shouldn't be
in the women's locker room!
932
00:59:19,191 --> 00:59:22,945
But sometimes you gotta let
your heart lead you,
933
00:59:23,028 --> 00:59:26,532
even if you know it's someplace
you know you're not supposed to be.
934
00:59:27,783 --> 00:59:30,702
How often does your heart lead you
into the women's locker room?
935
00:59:32,788 --> 00:59:34,206
This would be a first.
936
00:59:34,289 --> 00:59:36,125
Why do I find that hard to believe?
937
00:59:36,208 --> 00:59:38,043
I'm not saying that I've never been
in here before.
938
00:59:38,127 --> 00:59:40,879
I'm saying it's usually a different part
of my anatomy that does the leading.
939
00:59:40,963 --> 00:59:42,965
Oh, my God.
940
00:59:46,635 --> 00:59:48,053
I just couldn't believe it, Richard.
941
00:59:48,137 --> 00:59:50,139
Gwen and Van in the women's locker room,
staring at each other.
942
00:59:50,222 --> 00:59:51,598
I mean, I just couldn't believe it.
943
00:59:51,682 --> 00:59:53,100
So anyway,
let me tell you something.
944
01:00:04,820 --> 01:00:08,240
I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.
945
01:00:10,659 --> 01:00:13,078
- I'm here to enlist your services.
- Let me guess.
946
01:00:13,162 --> 01:00:16,039
"Come as your favorite drunk-on-jis,
come-gargling frat boy party"?
947
01:00:16,123 --> 01:00:18,083
Then your mom can come.
948
01:00:19,835 --> 01:00:22,004
It's gonna be a bachelor party.
949
01:00:22,087 --> 01:00:24,464
One last night of debauchery
with the fellas
950
01:00:24,548 --> 01:00:27,593
before settling down
with my fiancee, Gwen.
951
01:00:28,719 --> 01:00:30,762
Oh, please, you didn't think
she'd be interested
952
01:00:30,846 --> 01:00:32,556
in a fuckup like you, did you?
953
01:00:38,270 --> 01:00:43,442
Oh, Van, Van, Van, Van,
Van, Van, Van, Van, Van.
954
01:00:45,485 --> 01:00:48,280
That ought to be enough
to get you started.
955
01:01:06,381 --> 01:01:07,883
- Hello?
- Gwen?
956
01:01:07,966 --> 01:01:09,801
Casey. I'm just using Gwen's computer.
957
01:01:09,885 --> 01:01:11,637
Is Gwen there?
I really need to talk to her.
958
01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:12,930
She's at Richard's,
959
01:01:13,013 --> 01:01:15,390
getting ready for the engagement dinner
tonight. Message?
960
01:01:16,391 --> 01:01:17,935
Nope. That's all right.
961
01:01:25,817 --> 01:01:27,861
Bye. Thanks for coming.
962
01:01:27,945 --> 01:01:30,405
Lindsey and Rob make
such a great couple, don't you think?
963
01:01:30,489 --> 01:01:32,574
- Yeah, I'm happy for them.
- Yeah.
964
01:01:32,658 --> 01:01:35,410
They're gonna make a great married
couple, too. You know why?
965
01:01:35,494 --> 01:01:37,412
Because they love each other?
966
01:01:37,496 --> 01:01:39,248
Because they're compatible.
967
01:01:41,333 --> 01:01:44,378
It's like a heart transplant patient
finding a donor with the same blood type
968
01:01:44,461 --> 01:01:47,047
and just the right
chromosomal anomalies.
969
01:01:47,130 --> 01:01:51,009
A perfect match, connected forever.
970
01:01:51,093 --> 01:01:53,679
Yeah, but that would mean one of them
would have to be dead.
971
01:01:54,680 --> 01:01:58,058
Gwenny, I'm just saying
that they're a match.
972
01:01:58,141 --> 01:02:00,644
Just like you and me.
973
01:02:05,691 --> 01:02:07,359
Lucky girl.
974
01:02:08,485 --> 01:02:10,028
Gwendolyn Elizabeth Pearson,
975
01:02:10,112 --> 01:02:11,655
I'd be honored if you and I
976
01:02:11,738 --> 01:02:16,952
surgically and spiritually grafted
our lives together.
977
01:02:17,035 --> 01:02:19,788
Richard, I don't know what to say.
978
01:02:19,871 --> 01:02:23,875
Just say yes, because I've got even more
amazing news.
979
01:02:23,959 --> 01:02:26,461
Northwestern called this morning.
They wanna interview me.
980
01:02:26,545 --> 01:02:27,921
They're gonna send
some recruitment alums to campus
981
01:02:28,005 --> 01:02:30,424
for written and oral exams.
And then I am in!
982
01:02:30,507 --> 01:02:31,800
Whoo!
983
01:02:31,883 --> 01:02:34,136
Oh, man, Northwestern.
984
01:02:34,219 --> 01:02:37,306
That's great. I'm so
happy for you, Richard.
985
01:02:37,389 --> 01:02:39,349
Gwenny, be happy for both of us.
986
01:02:39,433 --> 01:02:42,811
The Richard and Gwen life plan
is kicking in.
987
01:02:42,894 --> 01:02:46,648
Northwestern. I am the shit.
988
01:02:46,732 --> 01:02:47,816
Oh, and your father wants to get us
989
01:02:47,899 --> 01:02:50,819
a place over in Forest Grove
as an engagement present.
990
01:02:50,902 --> 01:02:53,030
- My parents know about this?
- Yeah, I told everyone.
991
01:02:55,907 --> 01:02:58,035
Where are you going?
992
01:02:58,118 --> 01:03:00,620
I'm not sure, and for some reason,
993
01:03:00,704 --> 01:03:02,748
I feel really good about that.
994
01:03:12,674 --> 01:03:14,301
Hey, Van, can I borrow--
995
01:03:15,302 --> 01:03:18,388
My God, what happened to you?
996
01:03:18,472 --> 01:03:19,723
I got hit by a big truck.
997
01:03:19,806 --> 01:03:21,600
Are you okay?
998
01:03:35,113 --> 01:03:38,158
Dope song. What's it called?
999
01:03:38,241 --> 01:03:40,535
"Gwen Used Me For Her Story,
Then Married an Ass Wipe
1000
01:03:40,619 --> 01:03:44,831
and Ran Over My Heart
With a Big Metaphorical Truck."
1001
01:03:44,915 --> 01:03:46,958
Originally performed by Air Supply.
1002
01:03:48,085 --> 01:03:49,127
Who's Air Supply?
1003
01:03:50,128 --> 01:03:51,296
How old are you, Sally?
1004
01:03:53,131 --> 01:03:55,217
I'm old enough to be jealous
of that Gwen girl.
1005
01:04:03,350 --> 01:04:05,852
Okay, you can do this.
1006
01:04:18,573 --> 01:04:21,535
You must be Gwen, the truck driver.
1007
01:04:22,994 --> 01:04:25,414
Gwen. Hey. Excuse me. Gwen!
1008
01:04:27,332 --> 01:04:29,376
Hey, hold up a second.
What are you doing here?
1009
01:04:29,459 --> 01:04:31,920
What am I doing here?
What were you doing in there?
1010
01:04:32,003 --> 01:04:36,341
As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure
that's my room, wasn't it?
1011
01:04:36,425 --> 01:04:38,176
What was that girl, a freshman?
1012
01:04:39,177 --> 01:04:40,971
She reads ate sophomore level.
1013
01:04:42,139 --> 01:04:43,890
No, this was a big mistake, Van.
I'm leaving.
1014
01:04:43,974 --> 01:04:47,602
I'm so-- why are you here? Did you come
to hire me to do your bachelorette party?
1015
01:04:47,686 --> 01:04:51,356
'Cause your party pimp has already
been booked by your fiance.
1016
01:04:51,440 --> 01:04:54,067
My fiancé? What are you talking about?
1017
01:04:54,151 --> 01:04:55,360
When are you two tying the knot anyway?
1018
01:04:55,444 --> 01:04:57,737
Because seriously, Gwen, I'd really like
to hold that date open.
1019
01:04:57,821 --> 01:04:59,489
That is none of your business.
1020
01:04:59,573 --> 01:05:00,824
And you know what?
1021
01:05:00,907 --> 01:05:02,659
You're none of mine.
1022
01:05:09,166 --> 01:05:11,001
Sounds to me like your rectal itch
1023
01:05:11,084 --> 01:05:12,377
was getting a little
late-night booty scratch.
1024
01:05:12,461 --> 01:05:15,130
First, my bitch
turns down my proposal.
1025
01:05:15,213 --> 01:05:17,382
Then she runs straight
into that loser's arms.
1026
01:05:17,466 --> 01:05:19,301
Now I don't even know where my bitch is.
1027
01:05:19,384 --> 01:05:20,927
Wilder's got some big blowout
planned for tonight.
1028
01:05:21,011 --> 01:05:22,512
Maybe your bitch
is gonna be there.
1029
01:05:22,596 --> 01:05:25,390
You do not call her that, gonad!
1030
01:05:25,474 --> 01:05:27,809
Hey, guys. Just giving you all the 411.
1031
01:05:27,893 --> 01:05:30,020
I'm a counselor for the Further Leaders
of America's overnighter.
1032
01:05:30,103 --> 01:05:31,605
But the bus doesn't leave for a few hours.
1033
01:05:31,688 --> 01:05:33,148
Is there anything I can do
for you before I go?
1034
01:05:33,231 --> 01:05:34,858
Anything at all?
1035
01:05:35,901 --> 01:05:40,280
Okay, listen up. We've got one quick
stop-off before we go.
1036
01:05:40,363 --> 01:05:42,824
Tit wad!
1037
01:05:44,451 --> 01:05:46,828
All right, thank you, man.
Enjoy yourself.
1038
01:05:46,912 --> 01:05:48,997
All right, sister. Enjoy yourself.
Power to the people.
1039
01:05:49,080 --> 01:05:50,165
How you doing, my man?
1040
01:05:50,248 --> 01:05:52,334
- What's up?
- All right.
1041
01:05:52,417 --> 01:05:56,880
I hate to break this to you, uh, Ming,
but you ain't Asian.
1042
01:05:56,963 --> 01:05:59,341
Man, you ever heard
of Tiger Woods, bitch?
1043
01:05:59,424 --> 01:06:02,427
Boy, you better get out of here before I
hit you upside the head with a three iron.
1044
01:06:02,511 --> 01:06:05,555
What's wrong with you?
Enjoy yourself.
1045
01:06:05,639 --> 01:06:06,848
What's wrong, dawg?
1046
01:06:06,932 --> 01:06:08,725
Nothing. I just don't feel
much like partying tonight.
1047
01:06:09,809 --> 01:06:11,186
That's a first.
1048
01:06:11,269 --> 01:06:14,481
Hey, Van. I just wanted to come by
and extend an olive branch.
1049
01:06:14,564 --> 01:06:16,441
ID, please.
1050
01:06:16,525 --> 01:06:18,360
Well, it's a terrible picture of me,
but...
1051
01:06:18,443 --> 01:06:21,112
Well, I'll be the judge of... oh!
1052
01:06:21,196 --> 01:06:23,448
There's nothing fake about this ID.
1053
01:06:23,532 --> 01:06:26,034
Did you sit behind me
two semesters ago?
1054
01:06:26,117 --> 01:06:28,537
I think I remember this behind.
I mean, you sitting behind me.
1055
01:06:28,620 --> 01:06:31,706
This whole rivalry thing
has become a tad childish.
1056
01:06:31,790 --> 01:06:36,211
Well, I hope we can put it all
behind us and be friends.
1057
01:06:36,294 --> 01:06:37,754
That's what Gwen wants.
1058
01:06:37,837 --> 01:06:42,384
You have absolutely no idea
what Gwen wants.
1059
01:06:42,467 --> 01:06:44,052
Say hi to your gerbil for me.
1060
01:06:51,810 --> 01:06:53,311
Okay, kids.
1061
01:06:53,395 --> 01:06:55,230
This is our Uncle Jéger.
1062
01:06:55,313 --> 01:06:57,440
That's right. Drink up.
1063
01:06:58,692 --> 01:07:01,111
This tastes like shit.
Do you have any scotch?
1064
01:07:03,029 --> 01:07:05,282
Gotta go. Sorry. Bye.
1065
01:07:05,365 --> 01:07:07,409
Bye-bye. Call me.
1066
01:07:07,492 --> 01:07:09,077
Gentlemen.
1067
01:07:09,160 --> 01:07:10,745
Trevor.
1068
01:07:10,829 --> 01:07:15,125
We got an anonymous tip that there's
some underage drinking going on here.
1069
01:07:15,208 --> 01:07:16,459
Hutch?
1070
01:07:16,543 --> 01:07:18,628
Hell, no, man. I've been
at the door all night.
1071
01:07:23,216 --> 01:07:25,427
Good enough for me. Have fun, guys.
1072
01:07:25,510 --> 01:07:28,013
All right, Trevor. Stay cool.
1073
01:07:29,014 --> 01:07:31,600
I love you, man.
1074
01:07:31,683 --> 01:07:32,851
No, man.
1075
01:07:32,934 --> 01:07:34,436
I love you.
1076
01:07:36,855 --> 01:07:40,108
Those circus midgets
cannot hold their booze!
1077
01:07:45,113 --> 01:07:47,824
Don't worry, Van.
We'll get you out, man.
1078
01:07:59,919 --> 01:08:03,131
Delta Iota Kappa rules!
1079
01:08:06,968 --> 01:08:09,888
Damn it, Gwen, pick it up.
I know you're there.
1080
01:08:09,971 --> 01:08:12,599
You know I have my Northwestern
interview next week.
1081
01:08:13,850 --> 01:08:19,898
Look, I need you to help me
"release" some pressure.
1082
01:08:19,981 --> 01:08:24,069
You know, help me "relax."
1083
01:08:24,152 --> 01:08:26,237
Just so we're clear, Gwen, I'm talking
about intercourse.
1084
01:08:26,321 --> 01:08:28,114
Look, I know you had
a fling with Wilder.
1085
01:08:28,198 --> 01:08:32,285
And it's okay. You just had to get it out
of your system.
1086
01:08:32,369 --> 01:08:34,954
I just hope you
used some protection.
1087
01:08:35,038 --> 01:08:37,791
And I wouldn't want our future children
to be tainted
1088
01:08:37,874 --> 01:08:40,502
because Mommy went slumming
one night back in college.
1089
01:08:40,585 --> 01:08:41,920
Ugh.
1090
01:08:42,003 --> 01:08:45,256
Why don't you go "release"
your own pressure?
1091
01:08:45,340 --> 01:08:47,133
Oh, and just so we're clear,
1092
01:08:47,217 --> 01:08:49,594
I'm telling you to go fuck yourself!
1093
01:08:54,057 --> 01:08:57,519
Hi, partner in crime. ls there anything
I can do for you today?
1094
01:08:58,520 --> 01:09:01,064
Oh, my God!
We make such the fab team!
1095
01:09:01,147 --> 01:09:05,402
Last night, I was so like Bonnie,
and you were so like Clyde, and now this?
1096
01:09:05,485 --> 01:09:08,655
Would you shut up?
I'm trying to pleasure you.
1097
01:09:08,738 --> 01:09:10,990
Sorry, Richard. Pleasure away.
1098
01:09:12,909 --> 01:09:14,369
P.S., this is an awesome room.
1099
01:09:14,452 --> 01:09:16,287
P.S., shut the fuck up!
1100
01:09:20,917 --> 01:09:23,795
Here, I'm done with all of this.
1101
01:09:23,878 --> 01:09:25,755
The Wilder story's not done.
1102
01:09:25,839 --> 01:09:27,173
Why don't you read it
before you criticize?
1103
01:09:27,257 --> 01:09:32,220
He got expelled today. ls that
in your story? 'Cause it should be.
1104
01:09:42,605 --> 01:09:44,107
Is Van here?
1105
01:09:44,190 --> 01:09:45,608
He don't wanna see you.
1106
01:09:45,692 --> 01:09:47,360
- Excuse me?
- Look.
1107
01:09:47,444 --> 01:09:48,945
Why don't you just leave him alone?
1108
01:09:49,028 --> 01:09:51,531
Home wrecker.
1109
01:10:30,779 --> 01:10:33,615
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
1110
01:10:35,408 --> 01:10:37,535
Out of my way!
1111
01:10:44,209 --> 01:10:46,503
Stop packing!
You can appeal the expulsion.
1112
01:10:46,586 --> 01:10:48,004
It's right here in the school's charter.
1113
01:10:48,087 --> 01:10:49,881
"Any student has the right
to appeal an expulsion
1114
01:10:49,964 --> 01:10:51,758
before the universityjudicial board
1115
01:10:51,841 --> 01:10:54,511
and state his or her case within 48 hours
of being discharged."
1116
01:10:55,929 --> 01:10:57,847
Do you want my hot tub,
or should I just give it to Milty?
1117
01:10:57,931 --> 01:10:59,516
We can get
the law club to help us out.
1118
01:10:59,599 --> 01:11:01,935
They owe you after the "Sue Me, Screw Me"
soiree you threw for them.
1119
01:11:02,018 --> 01:11:05,647
Thank you. I appreciate it.
I'm really not interested.
1120
01:11:05,730 --> 01:11:06,898
You're not hearing me...
1121
01:11:06,981 --> 01:11:08,858
It's over, Taj!
1122
01:11:12,362 --> 01:11:14,155
Fuck you, Van Wilder!
1123
01:11:16,449 --> 01:11:18,535
You heard me. I say... I say...
1124
01:11:18,618 --> 01:11:21,287
Fuck you, you, YOU. you"-
1125
01:11:21,371 --> 01:11:22,872
You, you...
1126
01:11:22,956 --> 01:11:24,707
You pussy ass motherfucker!
1127
01:11:24,791 --> 01:11:27,043
You... You dicksucker!
1128
01:11:27,126 --> 01:11:30,672
Don't sugarcoat it, Taj.
Tell me how you really feel.
1129
01:11:30,755 --> 01:11:31,965
Seven years.
1130
01:11:33,883 --> 01:11:36,344
Seven years!
I've accomplished nothing!
1131
01:11:36,427 --> 01:11:38,346
There's no reason
to stay here anymore!
1132
01:11:38,429 --> 01:11:40,139
Sure, sure.
You've made tons of friends
1133
01:11:40,223 --> 01:11:42,767
who in the drop of a rupee
would do anything for you,
1134
01:11:42,851 --> 01:11:44,102
but that doesn't mean much, huh?
1135
01:11:44,185 --> 01:11:47,063
And who cares about Sick Boy
and all the charities you've helped
1136
01:11:47,146 --> 01:11:50,066
and all of our athletics, huh?
Those are all so minuscule.
1137
01:11:50,149 --> 01:11:51,901
And "I guess so" is a promise
1138
01:11:51,985 --> 01:11:54,445
made to a wet-behind-the-ears
kid from India
1139
01:11:54,529 --> 01:11:58,658
whose only dream was to bury his face
in a beautiful woman's lotus patch.
1140
01:11:58,741 --> 01:12:00,243
Tali»-...
1141
01:12:00,326 --> 01:12:03,413
You have shown me a life I could only
dream about back home
1142
01:12:03,496 --> 01:12:06,416
while masturbating
in my father's woodshed.
1143
01:12:06,499 --> 01:12:07,750
Most importantly,
1144
01:12:07,834 --> 01:12:09,127
you saw potential...
1145
01:12:11,296 --> 01:12:14,507
in me.
1146
01:12:14,591 --> 01:12:18,344
If you do not see potential in yourself,
then you are a blind man.
1147
01:12:20,305 --> 01:12:21,681
I'm leaving.
1148
01:12:21,764 --> 01:12:24,267
Then leave. But leave
the honorable way.
1149
01:12:25,351 --> 01:12:28,688
You've been looking for that
dare-to-be-great situation.
1150
01:12:28,771 --> 01:12:31,232
It is at your doorstep.
1151
01:12:33,443 --> 01:12:35,111
Van.
1152
01:12:35,194 --> 01:12:36,529
We need to talk.
1153
01:12:49,375 --> 01:12:50,627
Get me the law club.
1154
01:13:04,557 --> 01:13:06,434
It's ridiculous! It's preposterous!
1155
01:13:06,517 --> 01:13:08,978
It's ludicrous!
By God, it's impetuous!
1156
01:13:09,062 --> 01:13:10,396
So does that mean you gonna help us?
1157
01:13:10,480 --> 01:13:12,148
Oh, it's on.
1158
01:13:33,461 --> 01:13:36,255
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!
1159
01:13:36,339 --> 01:13:39,092
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!
1160
01:13:41,052 --> 01:13:44,097
We are now in session.
Mr. Wilder.
1161
01:13:44,180 --> 01:13:49,352
You were found in violation of Article 2,
Section B of Coolidge's bylaws,
1162
01:13:49,435 --> 01:13:52,355
soliciting of alcohol to extreme minors
1163
01:13:52,438 --> 01:13:55,191
which is grounds for immediate expulsion.
1164
01:13:55,274 --> 01:13:57,276
You have opted to appeal.
1165
01:13:57,360 --> 01:13:58,695
The floor is yours.
1166
01:14:02,031 --> 01:14:03,032
Ladies and gentlemen.
1167
01:14:08,746 --> 01:14:10,373
As you know, um,
1168
01:14:10,456 --> 01:14:13,376
I've been a student here for seven years,
and I've...
1169
01:14:13,459 --> 01:14:18,548
Let Van stay! Let Van stay!
Let Van stay!
1170
01:14:22,301 --> 01:14:25,722
Order! Order! Settle down, everyone.
1171
01:14:25,805 --> 01:14:27,056
Continue, Mr. Wilder.
1172
01:14:27,140 --> 01:14:29,225
I'm Okay!
1173
01:14:29,308 --> 01:14:32,603
I've learned a lot here at Coolidge.
1174
01:14:32,687 --> 01:14:35,732
Let the record show that, uh,
1175
01:14:35,815 --> 01:14:37,316
when I attended class,
1176
01:14:37,400 --> 01:14:40,737
I did receive exemplary marks.
1177
01:14:40,820 --> 01:14:46,909
However, it was only when I met
a special someone
1178
01:14:46,993 --> 01:14:49,454
that I realized what I was doing.
1179
01:14:49,537 --> 01:14:51,914
Hiding.
1180
01:14:51,998 --> 01:14:55,251
See, after this is real life,
and I wasn't ready for that.
1181
01:14:55,334 --> 01:14:57,253
I don't know why exactly.
1182
01:14:57,336 --> 01:14:59,589
I do know that I don't wanna
end up like my father,
1183
01:14:59,672 --> 01:15:01,549
whose whole life
revolves around work.
1184
01:15:01,632 --> 01:15:05,136
But I see that now. And, uh...
1185
01:15:06,804 --> 01:15:08,056
I'm ready to move on.
1186
01:15:08,139 --> 01:15:10,725
Well, that's that. Good luck, loser.
Who's ready for lunch?
1187
01:15:10,808 --> 01:15:12,101
Mr. Bagg, you will be quiet.
1188
01:15:12,185 --> 01:15:15,021
What's any of this got to do with the fact
that he's guilty of an infraction
1189
01:15:15,104 --> 01:15:17,023
that deserves expulsion?
1190
01:15:18,024 --> 01:15:19,484
Mr. Wilder.
1191
01:15:24,697 --> 01:15:26,949
I can't argue against the infraction.
1192
01:15:27,033 --> 01:15:30,203
I was responsible for that party,
so what happened was my fault.
1193
01:15:30,286 --> 01:15:32,538
I'm here to lay myself at the mercy
of this court
1194
01:15:32,622 --> 01:15:34,290
and suggest an alternative punishment.
1195
01:15:35,917 --> 01:15:38,294
Make me graduate.
1196
01:15:38,377 --> 01:15:39,545
If you'll kindly take a look
at my transcripts,
1197
01:15:39,629 --> 01:15:41,839
you'll see I'm a mere 18 units
shy of graduating
1198
01:15:41,923 --> 01:15:43,466
with a degree in Leisure Studies.
1199
01:15:43,549 --> 01:15:46,302
I am pleading to this committee,
reinstate me.
1200
01:15:46,385 --> 01:15:48,930
Let me audit my last six classes,
take the necessary finals
1201
01:15:49,013 --> 01:15:51,557
and leave Coolidge with a degree.
1202
01:15:56,020 --> 01:15:58,356
God, I've...
1203
01:15:58,439 --> 01:16:03,820
bled crimson and blue
for nearly a decade.
1204
01:16:03,903 --> 01:16:05,738
This school has given me so much.
1205
01:16:05,822 --> 01:16:10,451
Let me repay Coolidge
by parting ways as a graduate.
1206
01:16:21,587 --> 01:16:24,382
What are the courses Mr. Wilder needs
in order to graduate?
1207
01:16:24,465 --> 01:16:27,093
Biology, English Lit, Calculus, Economics,
1208
01:16:27,176 --> 01:16:28,845
Sociology and Political Science.
1209
01:16:28,928 --> 01:16:30,471
Wow. That's quite a load.
1210
01:16:30,555 --> 01:16:32,974
Well, Van can handle quite a load.
1211
01:16:35,434 --> 01:16:38,354
If we expel him, there could be some
sort of a coup d'état.
1212
01:16:38,437 --> 01:16:41,732
He broke a rule. He should pay
the consequences.
1213
01:16:41,816 --> 01:16:46,571
Well, let's take a vote. There's five
of us here. Majority rules.
1214
01:16:46,654 --> 01:16:48,197
I vote reinstatement.
1215
01:16:48,281 --> 01:16:49,323
Mr. Bags?
1216
01:16:49,407 --> 01:16:50,491
Expulsion.
1217
01:16:50,575 --> 01:16:52,702
Miss Haver?
1218
01:16:52,785 --> 01:16:55,413
Reinstatement over and over.
1219
01:16:55,496 --> 01:16:58,416
Okay. Uh, Mrs. Seay?
1220
01:16:58,499 --> 01:16:59,584
Expulsion.
1221
01:16:59,667 --> 01:17:01,127
Professor McDoogle?
1222
01:17:01,210 --> 01:17:04,589
You know, I've waited a long, long time
for this day to come.
1223
01:17:04,672 --> 01:17:06,591
Either way,
1224
01:17:06,674 --> 01:17:09,010
Van Wilder's tenure
here at Coolidge is over.
1225
01:17:13,973 --> 01:17:15,850
Let's see what the kid's made of.
1226
01:17:17,226 --> 01:17:19,103
He's in! He's in!
1227
01:17:30,823 --> 01:17:31,824
Hey, Jeannie.
1228
01:17:31,908 --> 01:17:35,411
Look. I just wanted to explain about the
whole, you know, Richard thing.
1229
01:17:35,494 --> 01:17:38,247
See, me and Richard's unspoken bond
blossomed the other night
1230
01:17:38,331 --> 01:17:40,374
in one beautiful, symbiotic act.
1231
01:17:40,458 --> 01:17:42,084
What sort of act?
1232
01:17:42,168 --> 01:17:43,502
Messing up that Van Wilder party.
1233
01:17:44,712 --> 01:17:46,923
And then we bumped uglies.
1234
01:17:47,006 --> 01:17:48,925
It was the best 10 seconds ever.
1235
01:17:51,177 --> 01:17:52,386
Even
1236
01:17:52,470 --> 01:17:55,598
Yes, these interviews
are somewhat of a formality,
1237
01:17:55,681 --> 01:17:59,518
but I think it's crucial we like-minded
people get to know one another.
1238
01:18:02,521 --> 01:18:04,649
Gwenny! Gwenny!
1239
01:18:04,732 --> 01:18:06,108
Ah, I knew you'd come to your senses.
1240
01:18:06,192 --> 01:18:07,568
Hello, Richard.
1241
01:18:07,652 --> 01:18:09,278
All right, look. I know we have
a lot of surgery
1242
01:18:09,362 --> 01:18:10,947
to perform
on our relationship. Okay?
1243
01:18:11,030 --> 01:18:14,075
But right now I am prepping
for the biggest moment of our lives.
1244
01:18:14,158 --> 01:18:15,451
All right? I have a written exam first,
1245
01:18:15,534 --> 01:18:18,412
and then an interview with five
Northwestern alums.
1246
01:18:18,496 --> 01:18:20,581
All doctors.
1247
01:18:20,665 --> 01:18:23,292
That's why I came,
to help make you your shake.
1248
01:18:23,376 --> 01:18:24,961
That'd be terrific, Gwenny.
1249
01:18:25,044 --> 01:18:27,046
I'll see you downstairs.
1250
01:18:27,129 --> 01:18:30,758
Oh, but hurry. lnterview's in a half hour,
other side of campus.
1251
01:18:32,134 --> 01:18:33,928
Sorry about that.
1252
01:18:42,478 --> 01:18:46,983
- Northwestern. I am the shit.
- You certainly will be.
1253
01:18:47,066 --> 01:18:49,568
Oh, Gwenny, thank you.
1254
01:18:51,070 --> 01:18:53,656
Mmm. Mmm.
1255
01:18:54,824 --> 01:18:58,452
Good luck, honey. You deserve it.
1256
01:18:58,536 --> 01:19:00,162
Yeah.
1257
01:19:01,664 --> 01:19:04,750
Mmm.
1258
01:19:04,834 --> 01:19:06,252
I certainly do.
1259
01:19:26,439 --> 01:19:28,524
Oh...
1260
01:20:01,932 --> 01:20:03,434
Oh!
1261
01:20:11,317 --> 01:20:12,693
Cytosine.
1262
01:20:12,777 --> 01:20:14,653
Nothing but net, my man.
1263
01:20:14,737 --> 01:20:18,366
Now remember, before any final,
take a pre-game dump.
1264
01:20:34,590 --> 01:20:37,051
Thanks for coming in.
You did a great job, really.
1265
01:20:37,134 --> 01:20:40,179
Richard! I was just talking about you.
1266
01:20:40,262 --> 01:20:42,807
Hey, surprise.
I'm on your oral exam board.
1267
01:20:42,890 --> 01:20:45,518
Look, come in here. I want you to meet
your future alumni.
1268
01:20:45,601 --> 01:20:47,812
- I gotta go...
- No, come on. It's a great time.
1269
01:20:47,895 --> 01:20:49,939
Look, it's Richard.
1270
01:20:50,022 --> 01:20:51,607
Finished his written exam
in only 20 minutes.
1271
01:20:51,690 --> 01:20:53,442
This kid is a dynamo.
1272
01:20:53,526 --> 01:20:56,487
Richard, I want you to meet Dr. Stern.
1273
01:20:56,570 --> 01:20:57,571
Dr. Fine.
1274
01:20:57,655 --> 01:21:01,492
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bagg.
I've heard a lot about you.
1275
01:21:02,535 --> 01:21:04,161
Dr. Brown.
1276
01:21:04,245 --> 01:21:05,496
These orals are something of a formality.
1277
01:21:05,579 --> 01:21:08,332
We just want to get
to know you better.
1278
01:21:08,416 --> 01:21:10,918
And Dr. Smelnick.
1279
01:21:11,919 --> 01:21:14,171
Richard, is there something
you want to say?
1280
01:21:14,255 --> 01:21:15,965
You look like you want
to get something out, son.
1281
01:21:21,929 --> 01:21:23,139
Oh, my God!
1282
01:21:30,563 --> 01:21:32,189
- Vile.
- Oh, it burns!
1283
01:21:35,693 --> 01:21:37,069
I'm bleeding!
1284
01:21:38,195 --> 01:21:39,738
Dear God, that's wretched.
1285
01:22:03,762 --> 01:22:06,515
"Oh, I kept the first for another day!
1286
01:22:06,599 --> 01:22:09,518
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
1287
01:22:09,602 --> 01:22:12,021
I doubted if I should ever come back."
1288
01:22:12,104 --> 01:22:14,648
I want you to tell me what Robert Frost
was trying to express here.
1289
01:22:15,816 --> 01:22:18,152
I'm gonna need at least one more booklet.
1290
01:22:20,112 --> 01:22:21,197
What?
1291
01:22:21,280 --> 01:22:23,866
In other school news, we have an update
on the "Wilder Watch."
1292
01:22:23,949 --> 01:22:27,161
The rigorous day has been
a success for Van the man.
1293
01:22:27,244 --> 01:22:32,208
Five finals in the can with Professor
McDoogle's advanced econ final to go.
1294
01:22:32,291 --> 01:22:34,418
Van? Van!
1295
01:22:34,502 --> 01:22:37,755
Van! Van, wake up, wake up, wake up.
1296
01:22:37,838 --> 01:22:39,798
- Your final's in exactly seven minutes!
- Okay. All right.
1297
01:22:53,687 --> 01:22:56,315
It's the moment of truth, people.
1298
01:23:09,161 --> 01:23:11,413
Ah, Mr. Wilder.
1299
01:23:11,497 --> 01:23:13,874
I'm so glad you could fit us
into your schedule this morning.
1300
01:23:13,958 --> 01:23:15,501
Wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.
1301
01:23:17,545 --> 01:23:19,296
All right.
1302
01:23:19,380 --> 01:23:22,049
Pass these out. Thank you.
1303
01:23:44,238 --> 01:23:45,781
It's getting to be that time of the hour.
1304
01:23:49,368 --> 01:23:53,831
And your time is up,
Mr. Wilder. Pencils down.
1305
01:23:59,086 --> 01:24:00,504
- Thank you.
- For four years,
1306
01:24:00,588 --> 01:24:03,007
I have been grooming myself
for the real world.
1307
01:24:03,090 --> 01:24:05,342
And I, like many of us,
define the real world
1308
01:24:05,426 --> 01:24:07,511
as the stuff that happens
after graduation.
1309
01:24:07,595 --> 01:24:08,596
But I was wrong.
1310
01:24:08,679 --> 01:24:12,308
It took a man by the name
of Van Wilder to teach me that.
1311
01:24:12,391 --> 01:24:15,102
You've all undoubtedly
been to one of Van's parties.
1312
01:24:15,185 --> 01:24:16,520
He's probably touched your life
in some way,
1313
01:24:16,604 --> 01:24:18,439
whether you know it or not.
1314
01:24:18,522 --> 01:24:20,983
Watch Van do belly flops into a pool,
1315
01:24:21,066 --> 01:24:23,444
but make sure you see
that he's raised $5,000
1316
01:24:23,527 --> 01:24:25,821
to give the swim team a next season.
1317
01:24:25,904 --> 01:24:28,699
As you're all aware,
Van was almost expelled.
1318
01:24:28,782 --> 01:24:31,285
What you probably don't know is
that he was set up
1319
01:24:31,368 --> 01:24:33,412
by a pathetic,
egomaniacal frat boy,
1320
01:24:33,495 --> 01:24:35,331
one who this reporter knows firsthand
1321
01:24:35,414 --> 01:24:38,042
to have a serious problem
with premature ejaculation.
1322
01:24:39,585 --> 01:24:41,545
And in reaction to this lynching,
1323
01:24:41,629 --> 01:24:45,633
Van put in more effort in six days
than most have all semester.
1324
01:24:45,716 --> 01:24:47,051
Win or lose,
we should thank him
1325
01:24:47,134 --> 01:24:50,387
for reminding us
what we're all capable of.
1326
01:24:50,471 --> 01:24:52,681
That's simply what he does...
1327
01:24:52,765 --> 01:24:55,267
He inspires the uninspired.
1328
01:25:00,314 --> 01:25:04,068
Van. Hurry. The night of fun
and fornication's upon us.
1329
01:25:04,151 --> 01:25:07,071
Hey, have you heard from Gwen?
1330
01:25:07,154 --> 01:25:09,406
No, she... She hasn't yet called back.
1331
01:25:09,490 --> 01:25:12,368
Right. I'll be down
in a minute, okay?
1332
01:25:12,451 --> 01:25:13,994
- Okay.
- See ya, V.
1333
01:25:31,178 --> 01:25:33,180
Wilder.
1334
01:25:33,263 --> 01:25:34,556
McDoogle.
1335
01:25:34,640 --> 01:25:36,600
Jesus.
1336
01:25:36,684 --> 01:25:39,395
This is some pad you got here.
1337
01:25:39,478 --> 01:25:41,980
Decorated in early fuck.
1338
01:25:46,652 --> 01:25:49,697
Well, I made it a point to personally
come down here, Wilder.
1339
01:25:49,780 --> 01:25:51,782
I wanted to give you the results
of your test firsthand.
1340
01:25:52,783 --> 01:25:55,494
And just as I expected,
1341
01:25:55,577 --> 01:25:57,871
you succeeded.
1342
01:25:57,955 --> 01:26:00,332
- 91%.
- What?
1343
01:26:01,333 --> 01:26:03,752
I'm proud of you, Wilder.
1344
01:26:03,836 --> 01:26:06,463
I've been waiting all these years
for you to realize your potential.
1345
01:26:06,547 --> 01:26:08,298
That's why you
and I had friction?
1346
01:26:08,382 --> 01:26:09,883
God, I always thought it was
'cause I fooled around
1347
01:26:09,967 --> 01:26:11,719
with your daughter freshman year.
1348
01:26:12,720 --> 01:26:16,014
Why? What...
You fooled around with my daughter?
1349
01:26:16,098 --> 01:26:18,308
What?
1350
01:26:35,033 --> 01:26:36,618
Hey, I know you.
1351
01:26:36,702 --> 01:26:39,329
- Thank you very much.
- You're the best, man.
1352
01:26:39,413 --> 01:26:41,498
Hey, I couldn't have did it without you.
Appreciate it.
1353
01:26:41,582 --> 01:26:43,751
I need youth fill up
the whole thing with ice.
1354
01:26:43,834 --> 01:26:45,878
Pack as much as you can inside.
1355
01:26:45,961 --> 01:26:48,255
- Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
1356
01:26:50,299 --> 01:26:53,844
Hi. My name is
Orissa Punjab Nizamabad.
1357
01:26:53,927 --> 01:26:55,262
Hi.
1358
01:26:55,345 --> 01:26:57,598
I've just transferred
here from Banglapur.
1359
01:27:06,899 --> 01:27:08,358
Hey. Excuse me.
1360
01:27:08,442 --> 01:27:11,779
Can you tell me where I might find
the raddest fucking dude alive?
1361
01:27:11,862 --> 01:27:15,157
Yeah, by the pool, Gramps.
1362
01:27:15,240 --> 01:27:18,494
Hey, I know you, man. Oh, fuck.
1363
01:27:18,577 --> 01:27:21,538
Congratulations, Van.
I knew you had it in you.
1364
01:27:25,083 --> 01:27:27,211
Dad. I can't believe you're here.
1365
01:27:27,294 --> 01:27:28,796
I can't believe you graduated.
1366
01:27:29,797 --> 01:27:33,008
A friend of yours sent me this.
1367
01:27:34,635 --> 01:27:37,930
I'm proud of you, Van,
graduation or no graduation.
1368
01:27:38,013 --> 01:27:40,432
Thank you.
1369
01:27:40,516 --> 01:27:43,936
And I'm sorry that I spent such a buttload
of your money for so long.
1370
01:27:44,019 --> 01:27:47,105
It's by far the best
investment I ever made.
1371
01:27:57,491 --> 01:28:00,244
- You did good.
- Let's get this man lei'd.
1372
01:28:01,829 --> 01:28:04,331
Meet my new girl.
1373
01:28:19,721 --> 01:28:23,475
You look so...
1374
01:28:23,559 --> 01:28:25,936
Wow. Wow.
1375
01:28:26,019 --> 01:28:27,437
I was hoping you'd say that.
1376
01:28:30,816 --> 01:28:31,817
Thank you.
1377
01:28:36,029 --> 01:28:37,197
May I?
1378
01:28:37,281 --> 01:28:39,366
As long as we cuddle afterwards.
1379
01:28:44,079 --> 01:28:47,749
There's so much that I need
to say... The article...
1380
01:28:56,174 --> 01:28:57,759
I was scared that you wouldn't come.
1381
01:28:57,843 --> 01:29:01,179
Well, I was trying to decide
what panties I should wear.
1382
01:29:01,263 --> 01:29:03,891
Which ones did you choose?
1383
01:29:04,892 --> 01:29:06,143
None.
1384
01:29:54,399 --> 01:29:56,526
It's gonna be a bachelor party.
1385
01:29:56,610 --> 01:29:59,863
One last night of debauchery
with the fellas.
1386
01:30:09,414 --> 01:30:10,749
You can't even... Oh.
1387
01:30:11,792 --> 01:30:13,710
I mean, this girl is...
1388
01:30:15,754 --> 01:30:17,005
I was wondering...
1389
01:30:17,089 --> 01:30:18,548
I'll do it.
1390
01:30:22,928 --> 01:30:25,055
I'm getting my shit together.
Just one second.
1391
01:30:26,431 --> 01:30:28,433
I can't do this!
1392
01:30:36,608 --> 01:30:37,609
Ugh!
1393
01:30:38,610 --> 01:30:40,988
Oh, man. My mama never told me
I'd be doing this.
1394
01:30:43,115 --> 01:30:44,950
I want to chew the choch.
1395
01:30:45,033 --> 01:30:47,285
And then... I don't know how.
1396
01:30:56,503 --> 01:31:00,632
Kids, this is what white jockey
blowin' hookers will do to you.
107672
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