Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Jessica Holmes.

And I'm Dan Tenenbaum.

We begin tonight with a larger-than-life story

down on Kensington Wharf.

Action 9's very own Bailey Stone is live with the story.

That's right, Jessica.

I'm here with two local crabbers

who appear to have caught

what may be the largest squid ever recorded by man.

Can you walk our viewers through exactly what happened?

Sure. Yeah.

We was, uh, out there. You know, a... a normal day.

We was trying to haul in some claws

when Rolfe here, he said that he snagged something real big.

Real big, yeah.

Yeah, huge like.

Yeah, I thought it was a fucking whale.

So I says, "Go on! Reel 'er in!"

Yeah, and I'm reeling 'er in, right, and I'm reeling and reeling.

Right. And then, next thing you know, bang!

- Yeah. - Look at that. A big-ass squid.

Real big. Yeah.

What was going through your mind when you saw that?

Uh, great question. I was actually... I was hungry.

- On account it was lunchtime. - Yeah, we was gonna have hot dogs.

Okay, now getting back to the squid here.

Dan, Jessica, I don't know what is happening right now.

Something is moving inside the squid.

I don't know if you guys are getting this in the studio,

but there seems like there's a...

I... I mean, this is incredible,

but I think I see a... face.

- Here. - Yes, yes.

Uh, they are cutting inside the squid to find out what is in there.

Okay.

What the fuck?

Can you tell us what happened?

The Cleanse.

As you can see, many questions remain.

What is the Cleanse?

Who is this little girl?

Where did she come from, and where will she go from here?

Thanks for that report, Bailey.

Now, let's go to Liza King in our Channel 9 chopper...

Leave it to this clown car of a family

to botch a simple search and rescue.

For a second there, we had her.

Who were those weirdos with the fanny packs?

Was it me, or did they smell like wet sheep?

Goats, I thought.

- Mmm. - Maybe llamas.

Who cares?

And why did they call you Nancy?

Their names are Gene and Jean.

They run an underground organization called the Keepers.

Sex cult?

No, not a sex cult...

Once you get to the top, it's always a sex cult.

Yeah. The man's got a point.

They're an extremist group who believe they have memories

from an alternate timeline.

- Some of their memories are bang on. - Yeah.

They're calling this phenomenon the "Umbrella Effect."

Ugh. How is this even possible?

Well, you know, we're still working on that.

What do they want with Jennifer?

Great. You don't know that either.

Hey, hey, hey.

Are you okay?

I'm absolutely fine, thanks to you.

Look. Are you mad at me because I saved your life?

I was very clear, was I not?

No marigold.

I know, Klaus. What was I supposed to do? Let you die?

I know. It's just three whole years down the drain.

Three years clean and sober. But this is what you wanted, right?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this. Our little parasitic relationship.

The eternal screwup and his holy savior.

As long as I'm around,

you don't have to look directly at your empty pit of a life.

Wow! You know what? Maybe you should take it down a notch.

No, I think I'll take it up a notch, shall we?

I mean, dysfunction is, after all, what we do best in this family.

We got daddy issues! Daddy issues!

Chaos junkie.

Mommy issues.

More daddy issues.

Obnoxious asshole issues.

Then you...

you seem kind of weirdly self-actualized, as far as I can tell.

Anyway, I'm just so done living,

cowering in your little bubble of superiority.

So this is the thanks I get for taking care of you

for the past five years?

- I think you've got that back-to-front. - Oh!

Who took care of you since Ray walked out?

None of these guys gave a shit.

Who took care of little Claire

while you bombed every shitty audition in town?

So you think that I like having a grown man living in my basement,

covering my entire house in bubble wrap?

You think I like picking your sorry ass up

every time you hit rock bottom?

Bottom? Moi?

There's no bottom here, missy. No bottom at all.

I'm the goddamn Mariana Trench!

- Wait till you see. - You know what? Fine.

- Fine. Jump off the deep end. - I will.

That is so clearly what you wanna do.

Have fun, and see if I give a shit!

Thank you.

Truly, thank you.

Finally, a grain of honesty.

It feels good. Feels refreshing!

You wanted the old Klaus. You got him.

- Come on. - What are you doing?

Look out, Klaus!

You know what? Actually, while we're here,

does anybody else have some shit they wanna get off their chest?

Because now's the time.

No?

No takers?

Good. I'm done being the bad guy in this family.

Now that the show's over, what are we going to do about Jennifer?

We need to find her.

We're not going anywhere in this piece of shit.

He said I was the best one, so...

Just saying.

Careful.

Mm-hmm.

- Careful. - Yeah, sure.

Hey, Ben?

What? What do you want?

Uh, it's three o'clock.

Time to check in with your parole officer.

Oh, right. I can't wait to catch him up on what I've been up to.

Crossing state lines, shooting up a whole town,

flipping a Volkswagen.

Good idea.

Moron.

All right.

I need a run on a Chrysler LeBaron Town & Country,

'80, '81.

Brown, simulated woodgrain sides, New Mexico plates.

Look for matches with an owner first name Gene.

That is Golf-Echo-November-Echo.

Or Jean. That's Juliet-Echo-Alpha-November.

Know what's strange?

All those people back in New Grumpson.

They were wearing Hargreeves-branded military gear.

Luther, the entire goddamn place was a Hargreeves town.

It's like it was designed to keep Jennifer hostage.

What's so important about her anyway?

Isn't it obvious?

She's one of us.

- No. No way. - I mean, that would make sense.

Why else would Dad build a Truman Show around her?

The guy played us, all right?

Nothing Jennifer said jibed with Sy's story.

They're both gone now, so that leaves us with two shitty options.

We either go after the Keepers or, worse, talk to Dad.

Come on, man.

Think we need to split up. Me and Lila will follow up with the Keepers.

The rest of you go talk to Dad.

Uh-uh.

I'm going with you.

And I'm going after Jennifer.

It's better if we stick together.

No, it's not.

And this little field trip proved it.

You're awfully gung ho for a person

that didn't wanna go in the first place.

You're all a bunch of clowns. I'm going on my own.

Ben.

Don't you walk away from me.

And then there were six.

Look.

The reason that they call me Nancy is...

I already know.

Know what?

I followed you.

The other night.

You what? What, so you're spying on me now?

I saw you.

You were in the café with... with him.

With who?

Don't play dumb.

The little Greek guy with the mustache.

Is that funny to you?

Yeah, trust me. That is absolutely hilarious.

Our kids are gonna grow up in a broken home, and you're laughing.

Diego, the... the little guy,

the little Greek guy,

is Five.

Yeah. We've been undercover investigating the Keepers.

You've been lying?

And you're working undercover with the CIA?

This is why I didn't tell you. You'd have some bizarre reaction.

I'm not having a bizarre reaction.

- You're acting like I had an affair. - It's worse.

Okay, as much as I would love to unpack whatever this is,

we have much more important things to think about.

It's because he's in the CIA, huh?

I'm just a dumb delivery driver.

No, Diego.

Then why?

Because I needed something for myself, okay?

Something other than changing diapers and wine moms and ballet class.

At least you get to get outside the house every day.

I'm just trapped in this unending suburban hellscape.

I mean, that's good to know. That the life we built is so bad.

That's not what I meant.

You think I like delivering packages day in and day out?

Busting my ass?

Oh, trust me.

I'd rather be out there cracking skulls,

but, I mean, somebody's gotta show up for this marriage, because...

it sure as hell ain't you.

♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Daddy shark! ♪

♪ Grandma shark ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo... ♪

Help me!

Ben!

Knock, knock!

How about some fresh clothes hot from the dryer?

Who... Who are you?

I'm Dr. Jean, with a J.

And I'm Dr. Gene, with a G.

We'll let you decide which is the dominant Jean...

And which is recessive.

What the hell is going on?

Am I a prisoner?

- No! - No, of course not. You're our guest.

We have been looking for you for a very long time.

We have so many questions about the Cleanse.

What are you talking about?

The Cle... Uh...

Oh.

I get it, I get it. It's okay.

You have just been through a very traumatic experience.

That gang of miscreants, they were trying to kidnap you.

No, no.

They... They were... Uh...

They were...

They were what, hon?

Well, thank goodness we got you when we did.

Who knows what might've happened to you.

Is there anyone we can call for you?

Mom? Dad?

Maybe a friend?

They're all gone.

My whole life.

It was all a lie.

Am I just part of someone's sick joke?

It's okay, hon.

You're safe now.

No, uh, I gotta go.

Hush now, darling.

You just let Jean and Gene take care of you, hmm?

That's right.

Here. This will make you feel better.

Go on.

Not bad, right?

You know, not everybody likes alpaca milk right away.

Notoriously hard to milk.

Small teats.

Just like...

So this is book club, huh? Nancy?

Oh, shut up, Diego.

Oh Jesus!

You drive.

You sure? Wanda?

Yeah. I don't give a shit anymore.

She's pulling to the right a little bit.

And don't go over 40, or the muffler's gonna fall off.

Got it.

Welcome to the Keepers HQ, courtesy of Jean and Gene.

Jean and Gene didn't give us much to go on.

Stay focused for once, darling.

All the files are gone.

Yeah, it certainly looks that way.

While you two stand around twiddling your dinks, I got recon to do.

There's nothing here, Diego.

- Our targets left in a hurry, correct? - Yeah.

So?

So... haste makes waste, mami.

Out with it. Why can't you blink?

I can blink.

You know, I just...

Won't.

You gotta get back on that horse, kemosabe.

Don't!

Don't!

Whoa! Where are we?

A subway station.

I can see that, numbnuts, but why did you blink us here?

Believe me, Lila, it was not on purpose.

Ever since Ben spiked us with that janky marigold,

when I blink, this is where I end up.

- Neat. - Not really.

What's down here?

Oh!

Okay, not the MTA. Not the Tube.

Trust me, this is unlike any subway you've been to.

Well, where do the trains go?

That's the weird part.

I took a westbound train. I went one station over.

When I came up, it was the exact same day, exact same time,

but a completely different timeline.

Now that's interesting.

Yeah.

A map.

That's helpful, innit?

If I could understand it.

I once navigated the Tokyo subway

with a bullet wound in my thigh and on my period,

so how hard can it be?

Okay, so...

North to south. This connects around here.

Fuck me, this is confusing.

Eastbound. Shall we?

We should get back to Diego.

Boring. Come on. Let's take a ride.

I don't wanna be hopping on trains until we understand this.

You need to move your ass!

Go away, go away! Stay outside!

Oh, great.

Uncle Klaus?

Claire Bear!

You're here!

Uh, what are you doing?

You know, this TV has...

been on the fritz for a while.

Haven't you noticed?

I just thought I'd take her down to the old geek lab

and let them work their magic.

Hey, careful! Careful of your feet!

Your feet on the glass. Watch your feet on the glass.

That was an accident.

And I'll pay you back.

Uncle Klaus,

whatever happened, why don't we just sit down and talk about it?

I appreciate your input, Claire Bear,

and I'd be happy to discuss it at a later date, but...

However, your Uncle Klaus has had a truly... horrible day,

and he just can't...

he just can't have this conversation right now. I'm sorry.

Come on, Uncle Klaus.

Are things so bad a drink won't make it worse?

No, it's too late.

- No. - It's too late.

No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is. I'm going.

Please, just talk to me for a minute?

Will you move, please?

- We could just get through this together... - Will you please just fucking move?

Now!

I already told you that it's too... late.

Damn, it smells like ass.

Jesus!

Dr. Jean Thibedeau.

The Cleanse?

Come to papi.

Come on.

Yucko.

Gross.

Dear diary,

why do I always wear suits?

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Leaving bread crumbs. It's a broken vending machine.

Stain on the floor in the shape of Australia.

- Three burnt-out light bulbs. - Mmm. Poetic.

Yep.

Where do you reckon we end up?

My guess is back in Gene and Jean's apartment.

- Same day, same time, different timeline. - Different timeline. I knew it.

Shows what you know.

You must have jumped forward, ahead of time, to the end of the world.

No, no, no. We haven't jumped anywhere.

We're not moving forwards or backwards through time.

We're just going to alternate versions of now.

This is Gene and Jean's apartment.

I've been here before.

This is my apocalypse.

Your apocalypse?

Yeah, the original timeline.

I was stuck here for 40 years.

This is the timeline where Viktor

blew up the moon and we didn't stop it.

Well, this is a very shitty timeline.

Hold on a second.

Binoculars?

What?

Did you just fart?

Get down!

- Who the hell is shooting at us? - I am.

Okay. We need to get out of here. Go!

Wait for me!

I must improve my cardio.

Shit.

The hell are you doing?

Did you find something, love?

Oh, I found something.

Something that's gonna blow this case wide open.

Okay.

Let's see.

Umbrella Academy.

That's impossible. There was no Umbrella Academy in 2006.

Not in this timeline.

It must be one of Gene and Jean's artifacts.

Keep reading.

October 14th, 2006.

Wait, what's so special about October 14th, 2006?

The day Ben died.

Our Ben.

That's a coincidence.

Let me break it down for you.

A random dry cleaner shows up out of the blue

and hires us to go to New Grumpson, Maine,

to rescue a girl named Jennifer.

The whole town goes to shit,

we get T-boned,

and the girl gets kidnapped by two vigilantes in a station wagon.

Now, in their trash,

we find a foreign document that has something to do with Ben's death.

Hence...

whatever is going on with Jennifer,

it's got something to do with Ben.

Ipso facto, mofos.

Bet you regret not sending in that resume, huh?

The hell's the "Jennifer incident"?

That was a tragic accident.

Hello, Benjamin.

Sy, where the hell have you been?

Where's my daughter? Did you find her?

Oh, we found her all right.

We got lit up by a bunch of friendly townsfolk strapped with Uzis.

I said it was a dangerous job.

You also said she was your daughter, which is total horseshit.

She has no idea who you are.

Why are you even here?

- So you talked to her? - Yeah.

We totally hung out.

Nice girl, really.

So now you understand.

Understand what?

How special she is.

I mean, yeah, she seemed cool.

To be honest, I can't stop thinking about her.

Where is she now?

Taken by two weirdos with... fanny packs.

Gene and... Jean something.

Okay, listen to me very carefully.

This is an extremely volatile situation, okay?

You can either believe me or not. It doesn't matter.

Either way, she's in grave danger. We need to get her back immediately.

- What do you think I'm doing here? - Where are your siblings?

Forget about those losers. I'm running point now.

Let me out of here!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What is...

What is happening to me?

It's her. She's calling out to you.

What? What are you talking about?

I told you.

She's special.

And you're special, too, Ben.

Just listen to your body.

She needs you, Ben. She can't be out there on her own.

You've got to see this through.

You have everything you need to find her... within you.

Okay? Just close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Listen to your body.

Use your instincts.

Everything all right, dear?

Yeah, it's nothing.

Come.

- We wanna show you something. - Yeah.

Whoo!

What is all this stuff?

Proof.

Proof of what?

Proof that the world we live in is one big, phony-baloney lie.

At first, it was...

it was like a dream.

One of those dreams where you don't know

whether you're dreaming or not.

But then,

along came the artifacts.

Whoo!

Little tokens of proof, slipping through time and space.

Proof of the many-worlds theory of quantum mechanics and such.

Better believe they called us

every name under the sun. Didn't they, Jean?

Frauds, tricksters, charlatans.

Accused us of intellectual dishonesty.

Who's "they"?

"Who's they"?

The faculty at Golden Mesa Community College, for starters.

Our reputations were dragged through the mud.

Tenure, revoked.

And all because

we dared to speak the truth

about these memories.

Memories of another timeline.

A timeline that felt so much more...

More true.

Where... I was teaching at Harvard,

and Gene was a MacArthur fellow.

Okay.

But, uh, what does all of this have to do with me?

Jennifer.

You're the key.

The way to destroy all the false timelines and restore the real one.

We're ready, sugar.

What do we need to do, huh?

How can we help you bring about the Cleanse?

You people are...

You people are fucking crazy.

Mmm!

Language, darling.

Hey, help me! Somebody help me!

We were so nice to you.

Brought you into our home.

Gave you alpaca milk.

Maybe seeing an old friend will help jog your memory.

I believe you two are already acquainted.

No.

Think about it, kiddo.

Close 'er up, Rudy.

No, no, no! No!

Wait! Wait!

Don't leave me in here with it!

Let me out! Please! No! Let me out!

Let me out!

Are we really doing this?

Yeah.

Yeah, we are.

Hold on.

You skipped the family reunions. You barely call.

You never submit anything to the family newsletter.

And yet, here you are, first in line to see Dad?

What's with that?

I'm stuck, okay?

I'm... I'm stuck in an endless argument with him in my head.

And I feel like...

like the only way I can move forward is

if I finally say my piece to him.

- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.

Just a... friendly reminder to the group

that the last time you spoke your piece with Dad,

he murdered you.

I'm sure that won't happen again.

Right?

We probably won't even make it past the front door.

If civility doesn't work,

I'll just rumor their brains all over the wall.

Let's go.

Three people approaching.

Copy. We gotta help.

May I help you?

Yeah, you can run inside and tell Reggie that we're coming in

whether he likes it or not.

Of course, Ms. Hargreeves. Welcome.

We've been expecting you.

Luther. Viktor.

I'll escort you inside the house. This way, please.

What the hell is going on here?

This better not be another daddy-daughter ambush.

Did you tell him we were coming?

No.

I haven't talked to the man in five years.

What a pleasure to finally put faces to names.

You must be Allison.

I've heard so much about you.

You have?

Yes.

And Luther... my little space boy.

I finally get a chance to properly thank you

for watching over me on the moon.

Oh!

It was nothing.

Dear Viktor.

I understand we share a passion for the violin.

It's more of a love-hate thing for me, but...

Come.

Come sit.

Okay.

Is, uh, Reggie home?

I'm sure he's puttering around somewhere.

Let us get to know each other a bit first.

Go ahead. Don't be shy. The chef will be cross if you don't.

Tea?

Well, I'll be damned.

Yo.

- Quinn. - Klaus.

What a delightful surprise.

I thought you were dead, but it turns out you can float.

You know, the whole death, rebirth, death, rebirth, death...

It's a vicious cycle. You look well.

The beard.

It's very... robust.

Thank you.

You look like the same degenerate, smackhead piece of shit

that owes me money.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

What was that? Like, five grand?

I don't really... I don't have much cash on me.

- Try 40. - Forty?

No, mon frère. You've got me confused with someone else.

The vig's been running five years, Klaus.

Hands... Oh!

The math is good.

Look, Quinn, you know,

we could stand here and debate dollars and cents all day long,

but I think you and I both know

I don't have your money.

And even if you gave me the time,

I wouldn't get it.

So if you could find it in that dark, black pagan heart of yours

to forgive the debt...

How about I rip one of those pretty eyes out of that head of yours

and wear it around my neck.

You could do that, I suppose.

Or you could save us both the stress and the energy

and the headache and the time and kill me right now.

Where's that gun at? Where are you keeping it?

Keep your hands to yourself, you weirdo.

- The back of the waist? - Stop it!

You always were a sick puppy.

Ruff!

Not in the face, please.

Junkie piece of shit.

Jesus.

Son of a bitch.

Must be quite cold in Canada.

I mean, yeah.

I mean, it can be.

The summers are quite pleasant.

And Luther, what about you? What do you do?

Oh! Um...

I'm a professional dancer.

- A dancer? - Yeah.

How wonderful!

You've all done so well for yourselves.

No thanks to your father, I might add.

I heard that.

My chief of security informs me

that the tiny hamlet of New Grumpson, Maine,

is still smoldering in the wake of your colossal ineptitude.

Reggie, darling, please.

Tell me everything I want to know now or suffer the consequences.

You first.

- Hey, hey. - Whoa!

Ah!

So it's true.

I suspected you couldn't have done all that damage au naturel.

But how?

Reggie, enough.

Is this really how you treat your guests?

Threats and interrogations?

Now, sit down,

and we'll have a conversation like a civilized species.

Guess we know who wears the monocle in this relationship.

Tea, darling?

No, thank you, darling.

If I may be so bold as to ask,

how did you regain your powers?

Why did you destroy the town of New Grumpson?

And...

what have you done with the girl?

Well, it's kind of a long story,

but it all started

when we were approached by Sy Grossman.

I'm unfamiliar with the name.

- Oh. - You know what, Reg?

I think the real question is

why you'd build an entire town to hold a girl prisoner?

Her name is Jennifer.

And I wasn't holding her prisoner.

I was protecting her.

Protecting her from what?

From you, naturally.

So she is one of us.

I'm afraid not.

She's nothing like you.

In fact, she's your complete opposite in every way imaginable.

And she has more power than all of you put together.

Hey!

We need to talk about Ben.

That is quite the gift you have.

Well,

gift and a curse, really.

I think I've got an idea how you're gonna pay off that debt.

Oh, come on. Don't keep me in suspense.

Asshole.

In Moldovan.

From Moldova.

And it's mostly redacted.

Great. So we can't read it or see it.

From what I can tell, this document is from our original timeline.

It explains how Ben died.

It refers to it as the "Jennifer incident."

We already know how Ben died.

Okay, then. Tell us.

Well, it was a tragic accident.

Ben, our Ben, died because we failed as a team.

Nobody was responsible, and...

And what?

Allison, how did Ben die?

It was a tragic accident.

- Ben died because we failed as a team. - Failed as a team.

Nobody was responsible, yet we were all responsible.

Ben Hargreeves represented the best of us.

Ben was the Umbrella Academy.

What kind of sick party trick is this?

Okay, can any one of you remember how Ben actually died?

Anything?

I... I wasn't there.

Well, neither was I, but the rest of you were.

You think you'd remember something

about the death of your beloved brother,

but you don't.

- What the hell is going on here? - Isn't it obvious?

Someone's been playing putty with your hippocampus.

Messing with our memories.

As fascinating as this may be,

I assure you I haven't the foggiest notion of what this is about.

You know something, old man.

You are speculating about the actions

of a completely different version of myself

from a completely different timeline.

That said,

it does sound like something I might do.

Oh, here we go.

There may or may not have been

a certain clandestine project

with a certain clandestine intelligence agency.

Human experiments on the mind.

I should have known.

Psychological warfare was all the rage in the '60s,

but it was only a brief contract.

Immensely lucrative.

So you can erase memories?

With the human mind, anything is possible, young man.

If you can erase them, you can restore them?

- With the proper technology. - Which you have?

Naturally.

It's in this building somewhere.

All right, old man, you're gonna put 'em back,

each and every memory to do with Ben's death.

Because if you erased the Jennifer incident,

that means there was something important enough

that you'd take the time to get rid of it.

I will do no such thing!

We need to track down the girl before it's too late.

Reggie, please.

Darling, this is messy work. It could take hours, days.

Whatever chain of events has been set in motion

is ultimately your handiwork.

Whatever timeline it happened in, help them.

Please.

What the hell?

What was that?

Nothing we can't handle.

No shit.

- I see 'em! - Get down!

Hurry up!

Shame.

They were real good workers too.

Yeah, but shooting them would have ruined everything.

We did what we had to do.

We sure did, kitty cat.

Might be time for a Chikkadoo.

I'll fetch the wagon.

Just lean back and relax, Luther.

Yeah, right.

Do we all have to do this? Can't you just do it to one of us?

Fragments of your original memories

are still locked away in your minds.

They are all integral pieces of a bigger puzzle.

I wanna be connected too.

But you weren't on the mission.

I wasn't on the team then, but I am now,

and I wanna know the truth as much as you do.

Excellent. Please take a seat.

- How about you? - Yeah, I think I'm going to spectate.

Ditto. No offense, but I'm not letting you near my gray matter.

Very well. Perhaps you could help.

Any last words before Dad liquifies my brain?

I'm sorry I lied about book club.

Good.

You know, a husband and wife shouldn't have any secrets, Lila.

That's a rule.

You're right.

No more secrets.

I think that we need a break from each other.

- Time to reassess our marriage. - What?

Wait! Is this gonna hurt?

Indubitably.

It was a tragic accident.

Ben died because we failed as a team.

Nobody was responsible, yet we were all responsible.

Ben Hargreeves represented the best of us.

Ben was the Umbrella Academy.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -