Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Oh no. Oh no.

Oh, teppanyaki.

Shit.

Luther. What's the matter with you?

Sorry, I'm... I'm going.

I told you, no drugs unless you're buying from me.

No, no. I just had... had a family reunion last night.

- Shut up and get on stage. - Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the astronaut with the biggest rocket in his pocket.

Put your hands together for Spaceboy!

♪ I'm coming back on top ♪ ♪ And I'm flipping the switch ♪

♪ I turn the voltage up ♪ ♪ Raise the hair on your neck ♪

♪ 'Cause I was dying from the start ♪

♪ But I made lightning ♪

♪ In the dark ♪

♪ We're powered up ♪

- ♪ Shock me, baby, all night ♪ - ♪ We're powered up ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ Shock me, baby, all night... ♪

Yeah!

I'm back!

Sy Grossman?

He checks out. He's a legit taxpayer.

I'll be damned.

♪ My circuit's running hot ♪ ♪ And I'm plugging you in ♪

What the...

You feeling okay, Mr. Five?

No. I don't think I am.

Tell boss I'm taking a sick day.

Since when does the old guy have moves?

♪ Powered up ♪

No! No! No! No! No! No!

You son of a bitch!

No!

Someone explain what the hell is going on here quick.

Well, Viktor, that's what we're all trying to figure out.

Oh God, don't look at me.

No one's blaming you, Luther.

No! I mean, don't look at me! I'm hideous.

At least you're back to your old self.

The rest of us feel like someone injected motor oil in our veins.

It's so strange. Because I, for once, feel fantastic.

Yeah? Well, you think you got problems?

- Look at this. - Oh wait. No!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not inside!

What?

What the hell?

- I'm sorry. - Whoa!

Whoa!

Turn it off!

I don't know how!

There.

Oh, sorry about that.

- Be careful. - How do you do that?

A gun to my head, I couldn't tell you.

Oh, come on! It took me months to find these original sconces!

I don't give a shit about your sconces.

I want answers now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Breathe.

Viktor, easy.

Relax, Kodiak Jack.

It was me.

I know you're all too terminally emo to do what had to be done,

so I made an executive decision and spiked your sake with the marigold.

Why am I not surprised?

You had no right to do that, asshole!

Oh, trust me, you'll thank me later.

Yeah, or I'll kick your ass right now.

Oh yeah. Now, that I would love to see.

Ugh!

What is with the tails?

I don't know. They won't go back in!

Oh! God. Why is it cold?

The real question is, why would you touch it?

Forget about my tails, all right?

I haven't felt this good in years.

Maybe you guys need to take some more.

Okay, you know what? Give me that.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Klaus, why aren't you sick?

Here's to the non-existent Umbrella Academy.

Kanpai!

Kanpai!

Well, because one sake bomb is too many,

and a thousand is just never enough.

You didn't drink.

- No. - Do you realize what you've done?

- Hey. All right! - Hey, get off!

Dude! I live here!

The fact is you're all too busy living in loser mindset

to realize we're much better off this way.

That wasn't your decision to make.

Give me one good reason why we shouldn't have our powers back.

I don't know. Maybe because we ended the world three times.

We also saved it three times.

Well, that part's highly debatable, Diego.

Forget about saving the world.

I just spent five years building a life for myself.

A real life.

Away from all this, away from Dad, away from our past.

And you had to go and fuck it all up with one sake bomb!

Look. I was trying to help.

No, no, no. Viktor's right. None of us asked for this.

I could have lost my job.

- Did you? - Wha...

Well, actually, no.

My boss bumped me up from brunch buffet to prime time.

And I have been booked in Atlantic City next weekend. But still!

Come on, Allison.

You can't tell me you're not a little bit glad

to have your powers back after all these years?

Why would I be, Benjamin? Why would I want my powers back?

Maybe you can rumor your way out of those

corny-ass laundry commercials you do

and finally get off the B-list.

The...

The B-list? Excuse me.

I... I am the face of a national campaign,

something that I made happen out of nothing

while you were too busy playing backgammon with Bernie Madoff.

Tell him, sister.

Wow.

All right, all right, Klaus. Come on, Klaus.

My brother, it's not too late for you to get in on this action.

- I told you. It's not gonna happen. - Why not?

Maybe with your powers back,

you won't have to keep living life like a human sippy cup.

Huh?

It's a slippery slope. All right?

Into what?

Powers, ghosts, drugs, sex, oblivion.

It's one big spicy gumbo of bad,

and I'm not going back to that old Klaus.

I like this Klaus. "Hey, he collects coupons."

"He's frugal, respectable, reliable."

"And most importantly, he's a Klaus that Claire likes."

And trusts and looks up to.

Guys, Ben doesn't look so hot.

Come on.

It's okay. I just need to lie down.

Get him on this. Lay him down.

Whoa! What do we do? Call 911?

No, no, no, no!

No cops!

All right. We need to go back to the dry cleaners

and get more information.

Agreed. I'll drive.

Let's roll, mofos.

Let's get him out of here, quick.

Watch the tentacles.

The state of the place.

Hey.

You okay?

No, not really.

Yeah, I know.

Come on. Let's go figure this out together.

You wanna get changed first?

Right.

Just... Just let me do...

Well, looks like Sy flew the coop.

Or somebody got to him.

He did say he was in danger.

Look at this. New Grumpson, Maine.

- The hell's in New Grumpson? - Maybe Sy's daughter, Jennifer.

Or maybe that's where our dry cleaner scampered off to.

Or maybe this is all one big setup.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Hell yeah.

Road trip.

Really? Are we really doing this?

Hell yeah, we're doing this.

You do realize we have three small children, yeah?

Lila.

Look, hey. Today's Wednesday, okay?

The twins have garden club, and Grace has gymnastics, okay?

Uncle Lenny can pick 'em up, okay?

Yes. But wait, that's not the point.

That is the point.

Look, I spend all day every day with your family, all right?

And I never ever complain, all right?

You complain all the time.

Okay, okay. Well, look, this is... my family.

I only have one spare pair of underwear.

- You'll be fine. - It might not be enough.

All right? And I want you to come with me.

Uncle Lenny, huh?

Just you and me. Like the old days. No kids.

No kids.

Okay.

- Listen, people! - Road trip?

First mission back, baby!

- We're back. - Car.

Out the way.

- Get in! - I'm in the front!

Everyone in!

- Why are you yelling? - First mission back!

Shut up!

Get in the car and turn on the heat.

Okay.

- All right. - We're doing it.

First mission back!

Why are you so loud?

Yeah!

Hell yes! Let's go kill this bitch!

This is a rescue mission.

Right. Yeah, sorry.

♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Baby shark! ♪

♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Mommy shark! ♪

♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

God! Will you please turn that song off?

I can't. It's stuck.

♪ Daddy shark! ♪

♪ Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Grandma shark! ♪

♪ Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Grandpa shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Grandpa shark! ♪

♪ Let's go hunt... ♪

♪ Let's go hunt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Let's go hunt! ♪

♪ Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Run away! ♪

- Diego, will you change that song? - I can't!

♪ Safe at last, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Oh my God, that smells rancid.

What? You don't like my kale-kiwi-carrot-cabbage kombucha?

It's good for the soul and great for the bowels.

Diego?

Uh... Maybe, uh, pull over.

Can't. We're making good time.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna hurl.

Can you pull over? I need to pee.

You don't want a sippy of this potent elixir? So good for you.

- All right. Heads up. Here. - Oh no.

- You know what it is. Right. Use it. - Not the pee bottle.

Pull over, man.

We are sticking to the itinerary.

Five, open the window.

Open the window.

Oh God!

Open it!

Please!

What the... Did you just break the window, man?

Hey, you spilled my kombucha!

Hey.

Everyone, hold it in!

♪ Run away, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Pull over, pull over!

We're making good time!

Stop puking!

Son of a bitch!

All right, enough! Okay?

No more fighting!

And no more puking, all right? And no... no more powers.

Not until we get to Maine. We'll get there. We'll find this girl.

After that, we'll go back to our regular lives.

Are we clear?

Are we clear?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Good.

Ahh!

- Wipe? - We've run out of baby wipes.

Here you go. I gotcha, buddy.

Where's he going?

What are we supposed to do? Turn around?

No. We've come this far.

It's only another 13 hours to New Grumpson.

Jesus.

I think she's cheating on me.

Lila.

She goes places at night.

She goes places, and she lies about it.

You know, she's got that book club.

Yeah, what is it? A book club of two, Five?

- What are you talking about? - Last night, I followed her.

She was in some café with some guy.

Some Greek-looking son of a bitch with a creepy mustache.

- The mustache was creepy? - Oh yeah.

Sleazy as hell. Just pencil-thin. You know what I mean?

Diego, whatever this is,

trust me... it's nothing.

You guys got the house, a family.

Only an idiot throws that away.

Lila is no idiot.

So am I supposed to just ignore it? Say nothing?

That would be correct. Bury it.

Deep.

Cover that shit with concrete.

You're a good brother.

No Sy Grossman listed. No Jennifer Grossman either.

Well, we'll have a look around. If she's here, we'll find her.

This is why you do recon, assholes.

Recon? Why are you saying "recon"? We're not the A-Team.

Oh really?

- Shit. You fooled me. - At least we still have a team.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Okay, everybody.

- Look over here and smile! - What?

- No. - Smile!

You know what? Screw this.

One or two of you are fine. But all of you together?

You're a bunch of drooling, stunted toddlers.

I'm going back to my penthouse downtown.

Ben, that penthouse belongs to the federal government now.

Shut the hell up, Luther.

All right.

Aw.

Poor Ben-arino.

We're better off without him!

He's right.

All right, everyone. Let's split up and look for this girl.

Let's be discreet.

If you find her or the dry cleaner guy, don't do anything on your own.

- I can't feel my legs. - Let's wait for the team.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Like a glove.

Sure. Like OJ's glove.

Here. You're in charge of Wanda.

Don't go anywhere without us.

You do realize you're waddling? Yeah?

Yeah. Just trying to walk like you.

Let's just find this Jennifer and get out of here.

- Use one of those knives... - Good luck. Don't get killed.

♪ The angels did say ♪

♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪

♪ In fields as they lay ♪

♪ In fields where they lay ♪

♪ Lay keeping their sheep ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night ♪

♪ That was so deep ♪

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪

Here you go.

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪ ♪ Jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing ♪ ♪ And jingle bells ring ♪

♪ Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun ♪

♪ Now, the jingle hop has begun ♪

- ♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell... ♪ - First time to New Grumpson?

Don't take this wrong,

but I don't have the bandwidth for whimsical small-town bullshit.

Don't mind him. He likes to talk.

Huh?

Gary. Head of the Rotary Club.

Didn't have to bite his head off.

No, but if I didn't, he'd still be talking to me instead of you.

Buddy... I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay?

This is not the kind of place where the customer is always right.

It's the kind of place where the customer is frequently wrong,

and when he's rude,

he gets boiling liquids poured down the front of his chinos.

You know what? Your attitude sucks.

Where's your manager?

Oh boy. Bad move.

Not only am I the manager, but I'm also the owner.

So, if you're worried about somebody threatening your person,

I would love to call the police.

- Have them sort it out. - No. No cops.

That won't be necessary.

Well, then may I suggest being nicer to Gary.

He's the town sheriff.

Of course.

♪ What a bright time... ♪

Wow. Talk about a hidden gem.

Sloane would have loved it here.

Wow!

Oh!

Look at the craftsmanship.

You know, it's, um... It's good to see you.

I'm really happy that you're doing well.

Yeah. It's been a minute.

Yeah.

You didn't think to call or...

Phones work both ways, you know.

Fair enough.

Look.

You did what you did.

I get it. You got Claire and Ray.

And things worked out fine for me too.

Like, I'm happy.

But we're not friends.

And that sucks, but it doesn't have to be some huge thing.

We ship anywhere in the continental USA.

Oh! Great. Thanks.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fast away the old year passes ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Hail the new year lads and lasses ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

All right. I got Grace and the twins covered.

- You want one? - No, thanks.

♪ Heedless of the wind and weather ♪ ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

Hmm.

Oh God. I mean, that's obvious.

I haven't been laid in months.

The Tower.

Loss of self-control.

Come on, baby. Come on. Give me a good...

Oh shit!

Card of Death.

Oh God.

All right.

Well, that's enough tarot for one day.

I think I'll just leave that there.

Come on. Where are they?

Hey, old friend.

No, not today.

Look, I've had a rough couple of days.

Years, really.

But that's no reason to take it out on you.

Well, everybody's had a rough couple years.

What's special about you?

Uh...

I got caught up in a little international wire fraud thing.

Oh my God.

You're the SparrowBit guy.

- I saw you on the news... - Keep your voice down.

You're a piece of shit.

Mmm. God. How'd you get people to buy into your scam?

It wasn't a scam.

Mmm.

There's some inherent risk in crypto,

but how can you really put a price on true economic freedom?

Wow. You really buy your own bullshit.

Oh, come on.

Everyone wants to mogul-up, don't you?

I mean, there was a time I wanted to leave town,

see what's out there.

But...

that ship has sailed.

I bought this place. Rent is cheap.

Uncle Gary's weird, but he's family.

"Family"?

He's my step-uncle.

Raised me since I was six.

Folks died when I was young.

Oops. Got serious on you.

No.

I get it.

I didn't have a normal family either.

What time does that bus get here again?

Not that I'm in a hurry or anything.

That bus hasn't stopped here in years.

What?

I keep the sign up for tourists.

You know, they sit, they wait, they get hungry. They come in.

Impressed.

I could have really used you at SparrowBit.

Do you think there's a market for an erotic dance studio

in a town this size?

Doubt it, Luther. Can we just get out of here?

Yeah, sure. Just give me a second. This place is a gold mine.

Excuse me.

Do you happen to know somebody by the name of Jennifer Grossman?

I can't say that I do.

- Excuse me. - Oh. Yeah, sorry.

♪ See the blazing Yule before us ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus... ♪

Blink. Just... blink.

Doing your Kegels in public now, are we?

You know, just trying to stay limber.

Not give myself deep vein thrombosis.

Mmm. At your age, you gotta look out for that.

What do you want, Lila?

I just wanted to say thank you.

For what?

For not outing me in front of my idiot husband the other night.

Oh. Well, standard operating procedure.

Hey, so how worried do you think we have to be

about this Cleanse thing?

Hard to say. You know, I used to think the Keepers were 90% batshit,

but since I've been roofied with dodgy marigold,

and I'm shooting laser beams out of my eyeballs, I'll give 'em 50/50.

Right. Well, after this, we'll go back, find Jean and Gene.

- Diego. - What are you two talking about?

Trying to decide which festive drink to partake in.

And?

Well, mulled wine for myself. Eggnog for the lady.

You hate eggnog.

I'm trying new things.

I'm sure you are.

Ah...

That elf.

He's staring right at us.

- Who? - That elf over there.

He's been staring at us.

How much wine have you had?

Stop being weird.

Trust me. There's something up with this guy.

Maybe he likes you.

Look at this sconce!

Luther, not now.

Just like the one from the house.

The one Lila lasered with her eyeballs.

- These aren't easy to find. - What is she doing?

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Heedless of the wind and weather ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

Oh shit.

Guys?

Come on, let's get out of here!

- There's two of 'em! - Go!

Allison!

- We should go! - Come on!

What's going on?

Gotta be Sy the dry cleaner. He screwed us!

Diego!

- What's going on? - We've got to get you to safety now.

Hey. Let me go.

Hey, you heard her. Let her go.

- Lila, use your eyeball thing. - I'm trying!

Where the hell is Five?

I don't know!

- Come on. Let's go. Come on. - No. I said get off of me!

Don't shoot!

Everybody, stay calm.

Uncle Gary, what is this?

It's okay, honey. We're just here to protect you.

From what?

I will explain everything later. Now, just get away from him.

What are you?

It's okay.

You can trust me.

Don't listen to him.

Come with us.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

No!

Remember, we can't hurt the girl.

They're heading eastbound on Main Street.

The hell?

What...

Where is everyone?

Same day.

Same time.

A different timeline.

Hey! Don't worry.

I'm gonna go out, okay? You wait there.

No, you stay. I'm gonna go.

No, you stay. I go.

Don't tell me what to do!

Just let me make my own choices for now, okay?

I have laser eyes! I'm more powerful than you!

- They're not even working! - They're gonna work! I feel it!

Why can't I just do something for myself right now?

You'd never do anything if I didn't tell you to!

I take out the trash!

This isn't about you!

- Stay! Stay! - No!

Listen to me for once in your goddamn life!

Did you see that?

Yes!

Really? You gotta one-up me like that?

It stings a bit.

- It does. - Come on.

Oh my God.

I'm a wonderful person.

I am good enough to live this wonderful life.

No, I will not look outward but rather inward to the lives.

- Help! Help! - This life is worth living right now.

Help me! Help me, please!

I know.

Help!

Jennifer?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

They're trying to kill me. Help get me out of here.

Jennifer! Oh my God! We've been looking everywhere for you!

Man, am I good.

We have to go now!

I know, but we have to wait for my family

because I have a terrible track record of abandoning my post.

You don't understand. They're going to kill me.

- I know. We just gotta wait. - Klaus!

Klaus, you idiot! Start the van!

Hey, hey, I did it! I found Jennifer!

Klaus! Klaus!

Start the van!

Jennifer? Her name's not Jennifer. I'm Jennifer.

I thought you were Rosie.

That's just the name I put on my name tag so guys don't stalk me.

Oh, so wait.

My mistake. You are...

You shouldn't have come here.

Klaus!

- Let me go! - You can't trust these people.

Come with me. I will keep you safe.

Shit.

He's bleeding out!

Come on. You're not safe here. Let's go.

Come on. Let's get you in the van.

Ow!

- Come on! - All right. Help me up.

- All right. - Get him in the van!

Let's go!

Get in, get in.

Put pressure on the wound. Watch your hands.

The hell is this place?

Who the hell are these people?

Oh!

Dad?

No.

What?

Oh shit! Get down!

What the hell?

Well, my new power's dope.

Five, get in here!

I can't hold things much longer!

♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Mommy shark! ♪

Get in!

Go, go! Go!

♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Daddy shark! ♪

♪ Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Grandma shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Grandma shark! ♪

Guys, he's dying!

Five, marigold!

- On it. Yeah. - No! He doesn't want that.

You can't just let him die. He stopped breathing.

Do it.

He's right. Give it to him.

- What are you waiting for? - Okay, okay, okay!

I'm so sorry, Klaus.

Klaus?

Hey. Klaus.

Klaus, come on.

Come on.

Klaus.

You okay?

Thank God.

- He's good. - What did you do?

You're okay. You're okay.

- You're good. - What did you do?

I saved your life.

Well, that was a weird fuckin' town.

You know it was all Hargreeves goons?

You know, I should have known. Those sconces were too perfect.

At least we got who we came for.

Oh yeah. Good job, buddy. You found her.

Hey, we're gonna get you back to your dad safe and sound.

My dad?

Yeah, Sy Grossman.

Who?

Help me, Ben.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.

Nancy?

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -