Original subtitles

♪

[laser crackling]

‐ Damn it. Stupid thing, come on.

‐ Ooh, build that Earth drill, Korvo. Work those blue arms.

‐ Stop undressing me with your eyes, Debbie.

I just want to work out here in peace.

I'm not out here for your sexual titillation.

‐ Hey, the replicants missed the bus. Can you take them to school?

I got stuff to do. ‐ We didn't miss it.

They purposely skipped our house. ‐ I'm sure it was an accident.

one small tiny sample of her eye.

‐ Can we please go? Homeroom is where I decide

who I'm going to crush on for the day.

‐ You should be helping me construct the Earth drill.

‐ I have to take the Pupa to the dog park. We don't wanna miss the labradoodles.

‐ Oh, oh, is the dog park more important than mining nickel alloys

so we can repair our spaceship?

‐ Uh, I don't know, Korvo.

Can nickel alloy catch a Frisbee in the air?

You know, sometimes it feels like I'm the only Shlorpion

who wants to escape this garbage planet.

without a single redeeming value, Terry.

[screaming]

[alarm blaring]

♪ ominous music playing ♪

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[yells]

[yells]

[barking]

‐ Oh, you guys, there was a shooting at the dog park,

but you would never know 'cause these dogs are just so happy, aren't they?

Yeah, you like those little stumps? You gonna lick 'em?

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

And one of these days, I'm gonna blow it up

and just be done with the whole stupid thing, I swear to God.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

[Pupa coos] ‐ Oh, look at those cute little feet.

They're really growing in. Look at 'em go!

We're gonna go buy lottery tickets, we're gonna win a million dollars,

but then, we give it all as a tip to a waitress

and totally change her life.

You go, girlfriend. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes.

‐ My plan is to sit in dim light, spray nutrients on my stumps,

so‐‐ until they grow out, and I'll study repair manuals.

inhabited with sentient life than you expected,

but it can still be fun.

You just got to roll, roll with the homies.

I just‐‐ let me grow my feet in peace. ‐ Whatever, Korvo.

♪

[grunts]

‐ Huh.

‐ No, and as a scientist/bounty hunter,

I am extremely perceptive.

[groans] ‐ E. T. sucks.

Go back to Uranus.

‐ We're actually not even from this quadrant.

[grunts]

who are probably gonna zap us with their ray guns.

‐ Are you filthy fucking aliens fighting in the hallway?

Principal Cooke's office, now.

‐ Who, who is this, uh, Funbucket character?

‐ Why do you care? ‐ I was unaware

of a second sentient species on this planet.

‐ Bingo bango, I'm Funbucket.

‐ Hm, I, I like that catchphrase. [Pupa grunting]

‐ Oh, yeah, he's got a bunch of 'em. "Bingo bango"

is the tip of the iceberg, my friend. [Korvo laughs]

‐ Oh, yeah. One time he fed magic beans

to Mr. Shromer and it turned him into a bush.

It turned him into a bush! [Pupa exclaiming]

‐ Oh, he must have hated that.

Did he hate it? ‐ Oh, yeah, he was pissed.

‐ Wow, Funbucket doesn't follow any rules, does he?

You know, simple math equations, or who stole the principal's, uh, new pen.

‐ This guy is fascinating. I wish we lived near Funbucket.

We could hang out and talk shit about humans all day and night.

Do science. You know, Funbucket's kind of a Korvo.

Don't you think, Terry?

Bet he hates Earth and their stupid monthly calendar as much as I do.

ANNOUNCER [on TV]: Saturday, come on down to the Gretchen‐Darth Mall

for the annual mega sale.

Deals in every store, and a chance to win one of St. Peter's finger bones!

With special appearances by Funbucket and Rungo the Clown.

‐ Oh, Rungo's legit. He has orange hair and his house is a boot.

I think he lives in Michigan. ‐ Wait.

Funbucket is gonna be at our mall? [Pupa exclaims, grunts]

We could meet him.

‐ Oh, dude, you could compare notes with him.

He could help us with the mission. Huh?

You like that M‐word, don't you?

‐ We have to watch all of these episodes, Terry.

I need to learn everything about Funbucket.

Does he have a penis? Does he reproduce?

‐ I don't‐‐ I don't know, man. I mean, it hasn't come up.

Yeah, I mean, I think he probably does have a penis.

It's probably huge. ‐ That's good, that's good, Terry.

We have to know all this stuff before we meet him at the mall.

‐ About what? ‐ Someone broke into the computer lab

and reprogrammed the iMacs with artificial intelligence.

iMAC: I used to be a cop. My name is Richard Michaels.

‐ This thing's been trying to arrest everyone that uses it.

Everyone has access to those computers.

‐ Wha, uh, uh, I've got both of mine.

'cause I keep it in a glove.

‐ From now on, I want nothing but perfect behavior from you two.

or any of that Outer Limits bullshit.

[door closes]

‐ Oh, you should have their asses on the street already.

You need to sack up, Cooke.

‐ We'll get them soon enough, Ms. Frankie.

And then you'll see how powerful I am.

‐ Come here.

[grunting]

‐ I wish they would just treat us like regular kids.

‐ [scoffs] Yeah, regular kids with a shrink ray.

‐ I'm gonna kick your ass. Let me out of here!

‐ I cannot believe we are actually going to meet Funbucket.

[stammers] Do my robes look okay, Terry?

‐ Oh, man, I'm gonna ask him if he can breathe underwater.

I‐I‐I bet he can. Honestly, I just‐‐ maybe I shouldn't.

No, I'm gonna ask him just to make sure.

‐ Terry, I believe he's gonna be overjoyed

to learn there are other non‐humans on this planet.

He will no longer feel frustrated and alone.

‐ I'm gonna invite him over for Nintendo. You think he's a Nintendo guy?

Oh, what if he's a Sega man? ‐ Do you think he has a mission, too?

Oh, oh, I bet he does.

Do you think his fur is coarse and hard or soft and silky?

Hm, odd. ‐ What, what?

‐ Funbucket is larger than he appears on TV.

‐ Yeah, he is. Hold on, is his skin made of cloth?

Ew! ‐ What the fuck is going on?

‐ There's a line. You need to get back in line, sir‐‐ ah!

‐ It's just some kid. What did you do with Funbucket?

‐ I demand to see Funbucket. ‐ Funbucket isn't real, you idiots.

‐ It's a kids' show. ‐ A kids' show?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Get out of here, go!

‐ Funbucket isn't real?

‐ TV lied to us. It lied. ‐ That's impossible.

All of human history is recorded on the TV.

I don't even know what's real anymore. Are submarines real?

Are penguins real? ‐ I don't know, probably not.

Wait, the quantum injector. ‐ Is Friends real?

Is Frasier real?

If Frasier isn't real, I'm going to kill myself!

How can you even think of work right now? ‐ The quantum injector.

Primarily used for repairing organic emitters

in the matter transfer array, but with a few small adjustments‐‐

‐ We can make Funbucket real. ‐ We need Funbucket.

He could help us with the mission, Terry. He's a man of science.

You saw the lab he had with that child in the kid's basement.

You saw the shit he was doing in that one episode.

We need him to be as real as possible.

Every single little tiny smidgen of adjustments will matter.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[rumbling, hissing]

[beeps]

‐ Bingo bango, I'm Funbucket.

‐ Funbucket, I'm Korvo and this is Terry,

and we are your new best friends.

‐ You guys aren't gonna try to fuck me, are you?

BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

♪ smooth music playing ♪

♪

‐ Bingo bango!

[screaming]

[shutter snaps]

[monstrous roaring] [all scream]

[Pupa giggles]

‐ You are such a shopaholic, Funbucket.

‐ Retail therapy, baby.

‐ Hey, that's not your catchphrase. Say bingo bango.

‐ Hey, hey, hey, hey. Check out who's real.

‐ Just let me past, will you? Stop it.

‐ I'm sorry I thought you weren't real. ‐ Yeah, it's... okay.

‐ Ooh, let's go to the makeup counter at Bloomie's.

We can get you all done up for the club tonight.

‐ Funbucket, this is not gonna be a discussion.

We want you to be dolled up and spruced up

so that the people are like, oh, damn.

Who are these cool guys at the club with a Funbucket?

‐ Look, make me big right now.

I'm gonna beat you up really bad but I promise I won't kill you.

‐ Just do the maze. You're screwing up my metrics.

‐ This is stupid. Are you sure we aren't gonna

get like, super duper crazy trouble for this?

‐ Humans test lower species all the time. [Lidia panting]

‐ And lose this data? Do you even want to study humans?

‐ No! I want to eat lunch with friends and see movies with boys.

‐ Done! ‐ I forgot to time you.

Do it again. ‐ Man, this is fuckin' stupid.

You used to be so scientific. Now you're just a jerk.

‐ Continued experimentation could reveal why everyone is mean to us.

‐ I just want to chill at the mall.

‐ Oh, shit, she's going to tattle.

It's Trim City!

TERRY: Ooh, they have Channing Tatum's vodka.

Oh, dude, dude, dude, we should take Funbucket

on a road trip and go to New York City

and listen to podcasts and Gaffigan albums the whole way.

He's America's dad!

‐ Oh, that would be quite the enjoyable experience.

Perhaps we could all stop at some fun roadside attractions along the way.

‐ Yes! Hey, Korv.

You think you're starting to warm up to Earth a little?

‐ I must admit, with Funbucket around,

repairing the ship has lost a little bit of urgency.

Funbucket, we got your drink.

‐ We should circumnavigate the crowd.

‐ What up, my dudes? Hey, I'm Terry, this is Korvo.

We're aliens. ‐ Make room at the table

so we may join you. ‐ You know these dipshits, fam?

‐ No. ‐ Oh, he's just kidding around.

Hey, we got you a drink, Funbucket. ‐ Take a hint, bro.

Funbucket's with us now. ‐ I‐‐ wait, wait, I don't understand.

With? What do you mean?

‐ He means go fuck yourself, bro.

Okay, he belongs to us.

‐ Uh, I don't belong to anyone. I'm real.

‐ Oh, but‐but surfing, Thailand.

‐ Travis and Avery are my friends now.

They don't treat me like some dumb TV sidekick.

‐ Plus, we don't wear stupid wizard robes.

‐ This is ceremonial garb.

‐ That's it. Get 'em the fuck out of here.

[glass shatters]

[laughter]

‐ Later, dickholes.

‐ What the hell, Korvo? What the hell?

‐ Who the hell were those guys? ‐ Look at me.

I'm gooblering. I'm making gooblers.

‐ Oh, my God, I haven't goobled

since they made us shower together at the academy.

‐ According to the Urban Dictionary, we've been "squinched."

It means we've been cut loose. ‐ Oh, man.

Why do I feel like this? It hurts.

‐ Our bodies are not designed for this emotional overload.

There is a chance that we will overheat and die.

I haven't touched a dolphin or been on The Price Is Right.

I'm supposed to fall in love on a train in India

and maybe the woman's a little bit older than me.

They're just hanging out. ‐ That can't be right.

I mean, we do that, too.

‐ Oh, fuck!

‐ What the hell? Are you stalking me?

‐ Oh, my God. Look at what they're wearing.

‐ Oh, shit, they tried to copy our outfits.

How pathetic is that? [Avery laughs]

‐ We wear things like this all the time. ‐ Bro, get a clue.

Funbucket's done with you. ‐ Will you stop crying, you babies?

‐ You're a baby, idiot!

‐ Fuck you, Funbucket!

[Lidia grunting]

PUPA: Ooh! [groaning]

‐ Bad Pupa. Drop it, drop it.

‐ Seriously, it smells really bad in there.

I think it ate, like, an old crabapple or something.

‐ Why can't things just be the way they used to be?

TV was real and Funbucket liked us and wasn't a dick.

‐ Funbucket was too real. Funbucket 2 is gonna be better.

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Make him love us, Korvo. Give him all the bells and whistles.

Make it so he never leaves us. [beeping, whirring]

‐ Who wants to go camping?!

‐ No, we're going to the club. ‐ Put your sin in me.

[retches] ‐ His catchphrases need work.

‐ They're fine.

‐ Y'all ready for bisque? Good night, everybody.

‐ Ha ha ha, oh, Funbucket 2, you sure are an amazing dancer.

‐ I've come here to do two things.

[grunts] Oh.

Y'all ready for bisque? ‐ Hello.

Nobody cares about your janky knock‐off Funbucket.

‐ You are just jealous. Our revised Funbucket is vastly superior.

What's happening? Oh, God.

Unseen forces pulling us together. ‐ Whoa, whoa, hey, stop that.

Get away from our Funbucket.

‐ The quantum injector. Oh. ‐ Help! Help!

KORVO: Maybe the‐‐ I think their flesh matrixes are attempting to reconcile.

‐ Y'all ready for bisque?

[roars]

‐ No, no, no!

[roars]

‐ Hey, uh, you guys do to‐go cups?

Great, could I get uh, just a couple to‐go cups for the road? Thanks.

[roars]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ You don't think people are gonna get mad at us for this, right?

‐ Terry, relax. That could be anyone's mutant.

‐ Terry! [groans] Korvo!

‐ We should do something.

‐ Why do you need so many dolls? ‐ Why do you need so many ray guns?

‐ Because we're aliens. ‐ It just seems excessive.

‐ Lidia Johnson was last seen Monday.

Her parents are pleading for any information

that leads to her safe return.

[chuckles] Good luck with that.

‐ Lidia, it's Randy. Stop fucking around and come home.

God damn it, this is hard on me. I didn't think I'd miss you this much.

LIDIA: Wow, my stepdad actually does care.

‐ Do we get a reward too, or how does that work?

‐ Dang, girl, you gooblering. ‐ Uh, oh, no.

Yeah, 'cause the police are after us.

‐ Yeah, well, what is it with humans and their kids?

I thought they liked making them. ‐ What are we gonna do?

‐ This is a classic "killed a hooker in Vegas" situation.

Stalling is only gonna make it worse.

Let me go and I'll tell them to put you in a good prison.

‐ We could dissolve her. ‐ I'll get the acid.

‐ This is wrong. ‐ She's right.

You should hit the side like ketchup. ‐ You can't just kill me.

‐ Don't worry, we'll plant your pieces and you'll grow into a beautiful new girl.

‐ It doesn't work like that! Can you just wipe my brain?

‐ What's a brain?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Wait, we can't park here. There's street cleaning tomorrow.

‐ Have you guys seen the shrink ray?

It's usually in the cupboard with the ice cream maker we never use.

‐ Hey, I use it to freeze and eat yogurt. [Korvo scoffs]

‐ This is so embarrassing. ‐ Why are you dissecting your classmate?

‐ Despite having been examined by countless scientists

over hundreds of years, the human brain is still a mystery.

‐ Plus, she was mean to us at school.

‐ Everyone is mean to them. I didn't invent it.

‐ School sucks, okay? We don't like it.

‐ It doesn't matter if you like it. We're on a mission.

When things don't go your way, you can't just give in to emotion

and do whatever you want like make a new Funbucket.

‐ What? ‐ Uh, you can't shrink people.

‐ We weren't gonna kill her. We were just reprogramming her a little.

‐ Are we in trouble?

‐ We will discuss your grounding later. Sew her up and let her go.

‐ Your grounding is going to be prison for the rest of your lives.

And let me tell you, being a weird alien in jail

is not going to be pretty.

[groans]

‐ Just keep doing that until she's cool. ‐ Someone's going to prison.

[groans]

Someone's‐‐ I'm a sunflower.

‐ Wow, it really is making her dumber.

I can't believe humans drink this stuff.

‐ This would be going a lot faster if we had some Mountain Dew.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Uh, will you drive straight? ‐ The effort is already being made, Terry.

[tiny horn honks]

[weak growling]

‐ I guess we should, uh, put it out of its misery.

‐ [groans] No, I should.

You know, Terry, I've learned an important lesson today.

You can't project your own wants and desires on other creatures‐‐

Oh, crap, catch it, catch it, catch it. ‐ Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh crap.

KORVO: This isn't your fault, Combo Funbucket.

We shouldn't have been guided by emotions.

It's gonna be okay. We're gonna have one last great adventure

before you go live at the mall. ‐ The mall?

What? I thought we were gonna kill him.

I thought we were gonna throw him off the edge.

‐ God damn it, Terry. See it, the mall?

All the way down there?

This was the most humane way I could think of

to end our time together, little friend. [weak screech]

It will all be over in...

between 35 and 58 seconds, depending on wind.

TRAVIS: Stop. ‐ Leave us alone, Travis and Avery.

You've done enough. ‐ Don't kill him.

We love him. ‐ But he's a monster.

‐ Bro, we don't care what he looks like or if he's violent

or if he's been combined with another Funbucket

on a molecular level, bro.

TRAVIS: He's still Funbucket.

Just, just do it. We'll catch you, broheim.

[screeches]

♪ swelling orchestral music plays ♪

♪

‐ Korvo. [growls] Terry.

‐ Shh, shh, shh. It's okay, buddy. It's okay.

‐ Do you feel like maybe we're the bad people in all this?

‐ We're aliens. Our ways are mysterious.

We can't be judged by human standards.

Now let's get out of here before we get arrested for all this shit.

[explosions] ‐ Is that the children's hospital?

Man, you don't really think of them blowing up like that.

I mean, what, are they storing giant tanks of flammable liquid?

In a children's hospital? No wonder all these kids are getting sick.

‐ By the way, when we get home, you're throwing out that ice cream maker.

You do not use it for yogurt. ‐ Oh, my God.

Have you been sitting on that for an hour? I do too use it.

‐ That is the opposite of true.

MS. FRANKIE: Hey. ‐ Oh, my God, what?

I told you, I didn't touch the computers.

‐ I'm watching you, you creepy little fucking aliens.

You think just because you didn't do anything bad today

you're gonna get away with it? Oh, you are on fucking blast.

I've got my eyes on you.

‐ We didn't do anything. Why are you always mad at us? I‐‐

[Lidia vocalizes]

‐ I used to be small, but now, I am big.

I'm peeing my pants.

‐ [laughs] So funny.

You're the best, Lidia. [Lidia laughs]

‐ Every time I think I know the slang you kids use, you switch it up.

‐ Wow, humans are dumb.

I guess we're never gonna get busted on anything.

‐ What does that mean? Busted? Busted on what?

‐ Uh, I‐I mean...

‐ Did you guys shrink this girl down and then lobotomize her

to cover your tracks?

‐ Uh... ‐ [sniffs]

Did you dump Diet Coke in her exposed brain?

That's horrible. Something has to be done about you two.

You can't just go about your regular lives

without some sort of punishment.

Things cannot go on as if nothing happened.

‐ You know what, Terry? I think those bros really did love Funbucket

in a much more deeper and sensual way than we ever could.

‐ You know, we should invite them over for a game night.

‐ Ooh, extra crispy, my favorite. ‐ Wait, KFC?

Are we not in trouble? ‐ We may be trapped on this world

that's on the brink of mass extinction plagued by a species

that destroys the environment, but while we're here,

breathing in the disgusting poison air, at least we have each other.

I could not replace you with a million Funbuckets.

‐ What's a Funbucket? ‐ From now on, we're gonna be best friends

and we can watch all the Harry Potter movies back to back.

‐ That's not what I meant. Look, from now on, we focus on the mission

but we also be a family and all that kind of shit and do that stuff.

‐ And we can wear matching costumes and compete in fashion shows‐‐

‐ No, no, I'm covering my ears. ‐ Just two friends holding hands down the street.

Everyone's like, are, are they lovers? No, we're friends.

‐ What is the mission, anyway?

It gets brought up all the time and Korvo's always pissed,

but nobody's real clear about it.

‐ When the Pupa reaches maturity, it'll evolve into its true form.

One that'll destroy and rebuild the planet in the image of the home world

using data stored in its DNA. That kind of stuff.

‐ Wow, seems like a pretty important job to put Pupa‐‐

[both groan]

‐ Gross. ‐ That's sick, Pupa.

Don't eat the gooblers. Bad Pupa.

[crunching]

Wow, I can't believe we didn't get in trouble today.

Korvo was pissed. ‐ We never should have kidnapped a kid.

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking.

From now on, we only shrink adults. No one cares when some jerk goes missing.

‐ Good night, Mr. Janitor. I made you an outfit out of Kleenex.

If it doesn't fit, just rip it a little bit.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

♪

[imitating laser fire]