Original subtitles

- # Oh, Mandy

# Well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy. #

- Will this take long?

- Mandy, a position has become available that I know

for a fact you'll be interested in.

- Doubt it, mate.

- Quality control at the local biscuit factory.

- You're kidding?!

- I know - your dream job.

So, shall I give them a ring?

- Duh! Yes.

- Next!

Mandy Carter? - Yeah.

- Yeah, take a seat. Thanks.

So, you're here for the biscuit taster job?

- Yeah. I love biscuits.

- Yeah, well, if you get the job, you'll hate them by next week.

- I doubt that very much.

Can I ask exactly what the job entails?

- We manufacture 75,000 biscuits every single day.

Your job, Mandy, would be to test one in every 300

for taste and texture.

If that biscuit satisfies your taste buds,

you can let another 300 go through.

- That's it?

- That's it.

- Never wanted a job more.

I feel like my whole life's been leading up to this.

Are you all right?

- I was going to retire soon.

I spent my whole life thinking about biscuits.

What a waste.

Look, Mandy, this job...

..is not for everyone!

It can get quite...

..dull!

You'll hate the taste of biscuits!

You'll reek of bourbons!

Just the sight of a custard cream...

..will make you throw up.

Are you still interested?

- Absolutely.

- Here's your clipboard.

- What do I do with this? - Well, you just hold it.

Makes you look efficient.

Right, every 300th biscuit, you taste it,

and make a mark here.

Now - this is the most important thing -

if you taste a biscuit that tastes off,

then you press this immediately.

The entire production line is stopped,

and the person who made that biscuit

is taken out and shot. - Fair enough.

Do I get to take the broken ones home with me?

- No, no, no. We take the theft of biscuits -

intact or broken - very seriously here.

It would result in your instant dismissal.

OK, let's make biscuits.

- UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, fuck.

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, oh... Argh!

Oh!

Ow!

Oh, fuck!

MANDY PANTS

Oh, argh, argh...!

Oh!

SHE RETCHES

Shit! Uh! Ow!

Ow!

Agh!

Oh! Agh!

Oh...!

Argh!

Oh...

SHE GROANS

HEAVY THUD

Agh!

I'm not slacking, honestly!

I just popped out for some fresh air!

MANDY WAILS

- They take biscuit theft very seriously.

- I can't believe he had the audacity to sack me.

If it wasn't for the biscuits breaking my fall,

I wouldn't be here now.

- Well, yeah, that does seem unfair.

It does mean it's going to be very hard for me to find something else

for you, though, because the biscuit people are refusing

to give you a reference.

This is about all I have.

Go along, and they'll show you the ropes.

- Oh, great!

- Maybe give your face a wipe.

- Maybe wash your fucking balls, mate.

Hiya!

Sorry I'm late.

- First day, is it? - Yeah, I'm right excited.

- Are you? - Yeah.

- OK, well I'll show you around quickly,

and then I'll get you started with your gun.

- LAUGHING: Oh.

For a minute, I thought you said gun!

LOUD MOOING

DULL THUD

- What went wrong at the abattoir, Mandy?

- What went wrong?

What went fucking wrong?

I had to kill cows, didn't I?

- What did you think you had to do, bake them a cake?

It's an abattoir - Bliss Slaughterhouse - you knew that.

- Slaughterhouse? I thought...

I thought it was Bliss Laughter House!

I thought it was some sort of comedy club.

I thought it was going to be a laugh.

Instead it was just mindless killing. - Well, yeah.

- I didn't know there'd be cows in there, all lined up!

- Where do you think beef burgers came from, Mandy?

- I don't know! I just thought they were, like, meaty brown discs.

I just never put two and two together before.

I'm never touching meat again.

Morrissey was right - about that, at least.

You don't need to eat meat, not when we've got Linda McCartney stuff.

- OK, can we get back to why you're here, please?

- Yeah, why am I here?

I only ever seem to get these terrible jobs.

- That's not true. They're not all terrible.

We found you a job with a nature documentary last year.

- EAGLE SCREECHES

You're not meant to step in.

- Yeah, and what did you do? - Stepped in.

I just couldn't stand by and watch a defenceless rabbit

get ripped to shreds.

- It's nature, Mandy. That... - Yeah?

Well, I feel like that rabbit.

When's someone going to boot the eagle off my back, eh?

Why do I only get these terrible jobs?

When am I going to be the factory owner?

When am I going to be the boss?

When am I going to be the chairman of the Bank of England,

or the head of ICI?

I mean, am I stupid or something? Is that my destiny?

Is it cos I'm an idiot?

I never seem to get anywhere, however much I try.

- Look, Mandy, it's not that you're...

..stupid, per se.

It's just that you don't move in the right circles.

You know, a lot of these big jobs, you know what they say -

it's not WHAT you know, it's WHO you know.

- I don't know anyone.

Except Lola, and she only knows me.

- OK.

Just go home, put your feet up.

And we'll find you something new on Monday, OK?

- MANDY SOBS

- There, there, there.

There, there.

- "It's not what you know, it's who you know"!

Have you ever heard anyone say that, Lola?

- No.

- No! You see, we don't even know the people that say that! - Yeah...

- Oh, God!

I don't know the right people, or even the wrong people.

I'm never going to be anyone important!

STUTTERING SOBS

- Who wants to...?

- BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY

- Huh...

Who wants...?

- LOUD RASPING

- Ha...

Who wants to be someone important?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

- Yeah, well, I've decided!

I'm going to... I'm going to make something of me life.

I've been letting life roll over me for too long!

- Well, what are you going to do?

- I'm going to have a party.

And I... I'm going to invite all the local celebrities

and dignitaries that I can think of.

You-you know, like... Like Jeffery Archer did.

You know? And he's done all right for himself.

UNCONVINCINGLY: - That's a great idea, Mandy. - Yeah.

- Did you write to your local dignitaries?

- Yeah, I invited the local mayor,

the manager of Fitness First,

the lollipop lady, the local vicar.

Some celebrities, like, uh...

..Linda Lusardi, Alan Yentob, Shirley Bassey.

Now it's just a matter of getting some food and wine, and waiting.

Roll on Thursday.

- Shirley Bassey!

Can I come, Mandy?

- OK, but keep it to yourself.

Don't want any paparazzi or gate-crashers.

- My lips are sealed.

- And don't make this all about you, Lol.

This is Mandy Carter's night.

I'm nervous. Are you? - Mm.

- DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! Someone's at the door.

Someone - who is a someone - has come to my party.

Who are you?

- We're Shirley Bassey fans.

Is she here?

- No, she's not, and she's not going turn up if she sees you lot here.

Go on, shoo!

THEY GRUMBLE

Go on!

- Who was it?

- It were a load of Shirley Bassey fans. - Ah...

They are such a pain.

- Word must have got out.

You didn't tell anyone about this party, did you, Lol?

- No.

Of course not.

I was really hoping Shirley Bassey would show up.

- Oh, I didn't need her stealing my thunder.

- She's still very glamorous.

- Oh, stop going on about her!

- You really don't think she's going to come?

- Course she's not coming, Lola.

Nobody important's coming.

You know why?

Because I'm a nobody.

And what a fool to believe that just for one night...

..just one fucking night...

..I could be a somebody...!

I'm at my lowest egg.

- Talking about eggs - what are you going to do with all of this food?

- I'm going to chuck it in the rubbish, Lola,

Then I'm going to throw myself in the rubbish.

Because no matter how hard I try, everything turns out rubbish!

I don't know why I bother!

- Because I can take one of those quiches with me.

They freeze very well.

- I did a mad thing, Lola.

I had hope.

I hoped that, just once...

..something good would happen to Mandy Carter.

I hoped that Dame Shirley Bassey OBE would come to my house,

and tell me how she did it.

How she got out of the back streets of Tiger Prawn Bay

and made a success of her life.

- I think her powerful yet soulful singing voice

had a lot to do with it.

- Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now, does it?!

Nothing matters now!

The party's over, Lola.

The party's over!

Go on.

You lot can fuck off, an' all.

Yentob, Lusardi - go on, off you piss.

- Well, I'm not bothered.

I'm going for drinks with Vicki Michelle later anyway.

- Suppose I'll have to see what fucking Bono is up to again.

Hi, Bono.

Don't bother coming over. This place is dead.

Yes, she's here.

Yeah, she... Yeah, she's still fit.

- Go on, Lola.

- Well, if you're going to be like that.

I'll see you tomorrow at the salon?

- No, Lola.

You won't see me again.

- Are you sure I can't take one of these quiches?

- Oh, take it!

- Uh, actually, I think I prefer the cheese and bacon one.

- Oh, just get out!

Oh!

PLATE SMASHES

Oh...

STUTTERING SOBS

Oh...

MANDY WHIMPERS

MUSIC: This Is My Life by Shirley Bassey

SHE MIMES ALONG: - # Funny how a lonely day can make a person say

# What good is my life?

# Funny how a breaking heart can make me start to say

# What good is my life?

# Funny how I often seem to think I'll find another dream

# In my life

# Till I look around and see this great big world is part of me

# And my life

# This is my life

# Today, tomorrow, love will come and find me

# But that's the way that I was born to be

# This is me

# This is me... #

- DOORBELL RINGS

Who the fuck is this now?

MUSIC: Big Spender by Shirley Bassey

Fuck me, it's Bassey.

- # The minute you walked in the joint

# I could see you were a man of distinction

# A real big spender... #

- I'm here for the party. I brought some food.

We get to keep anything not sold after a month.

- I'm vegetarian now!

- # Good looking, so refined

# Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?

# So let me get right to the point

# I don't pop my cork for every man I see

# Hey, big spender

# Spend

# A little time with me. #