Original subtitles

# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today Oh, Mandy. #

20 Embassy, please, Abu.

Ta.

- Do you still work at Asda?

- No, I'm working as a living statue now, Abu.

- Do you have long Covid? - What?

- You look very grey. - It's make-up, Abu. I'm doing living statue work.

- What is living statue? - You just stand still looking like a statue.

- And this is a job? - Yeah.

- Where do you apply for this?

- Just start doing it.

- OK.

- Right, bye, then. - Bye-bye.

- Oh, shit. Is that the time?

Need to get changed for the theatre.

- Mandy, I'm so excited.

I can't believe you bought tickets to see Psychic Pauline.

- Oh, I didn't pay. I thought we could do the old high-vis jacket trick.

Here, put this on. - What?

- High-vis jacket gets you in anywhere, no questions asked.

I've seen loads of stuff with a high-vis.

I've been on Top Of The Pops.

- Well, we have a terrific programme for you.

We have Bon Jovi, Farley "Jackmaster" Funk,

Frankie Goes To Hollywood and they're all live in the studio.

- I went to the Royal Variety performance.

APPLAUSE

I saw Torvill and Dean.

CHEERING

And I saw the 1980 Embassy World Snooker finals at the Crucible.

COMMENTATOR: - And Higgins will be disappointed with that.

- Muffed that up, didn't you, Alex?

WHISPERS: Alex.

Alex!

Hurricane. - What?

- Couldn't give me a light, could you?

Ta.

Alex.

Alex, can I borrow your ashtray? Sorry.

Oh, thanks.

Quite dishy, Thorburn, isn't he? thought?

If you like that sort of thing.

- That miss gives Higgins another chance.

- REFEREE: - Cliff Thorburn, eight.

- APPLAUSE

Alex, I love you!

CROWD EXCLAIMS

- Oh, and that's a terrible miss from Higgins.

He'll be disappointed with that.

- Jesus fucking Christ. You fucking idiot. - Oh!

- Who let you in here?

- I carried the table in. - You fucking moron!

- MANDY SHRIEKS

CROWD: Oh!

- You're with the Hurricane now!

Now you've done it! I'm going to come for you.

- Alex "The Hurricane" Higgins must have been furious, Mandy.

- Hmm. I cost him the final. Said he'd never forgive me.

Said if he ever saw me again, he'd fucking kill me.

- Wasn't he a big drinker? - Why do you think he turned to drink?

- And you never got to apologise? - No. He died in 2010.

Anyway, the high-vis jacket pays for itself in no time.

- But what do we do? - That's the beauty of it, Lola - nothing.

You just walk in. They think you're meant to be there.

- I'm not sure, Mandy. What if we get caught?

- Thought you might say that. To make you feel better,

we'll carry a table in. - Carry a table? - Yeah.

Nobody questions you if you're carrying a table.

BELL RINGS - If you'd like to take your seats,

ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.

- Let's leave it here, Lo.

We'll cover it in leaflets about zip-wire experiences in old caves

to make it blend in.

Let's get some seats.

- I can't believe it worked. - Never fails.

- Oh, good seats!

- Right, that's the earpiece in.

Ready to go? - Of course.

So I've got all the information submitted by the audience

to the website listed by seat number -

names, addresses, deceased loved ones.

Just in case the spirits are quiet again tonight.

Oh, we don't want another

Nottingham, do we?

I've picked out a few juicy ones to start with.

- Don't give me all the info in one go.

I like to eke it out,

so it sounds like they're coming through in dribs and drabs -

put on a show!

- You certainly do that.

Going to use the spirit

of the dead actress on stage routine?

- Oh, it's a bit hammy.

But the crowd love it.

I'll do it if I need it.

- SHE GARGLES

- Excuse me, I think you're sitting in our seats.

- Piss off, grandma, I was there first. - Oh!

So rude!

- UPBEAT MUSIC

- Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

So LOVELY to be here.

But, wow,

I'm already feeling some spirit energy.

- Woman in row B, seat 12.

- You, my love.

Do you know anyone to have passed in tragedy?

- Yes. - She's recently lost her aunt.

- Was it an auntie?

- Yes, yes. - Because I've got someone saying "I'm her auntie".

- I've got access to the will. She got the necklace.

- You've got something of hers, haven't you? - Yes, I have.

I've got a necklace.

- She says you're to keep the necklace.

Think of her when you wear it.

Don't lend it out or pawn it.

Was she quite a bossy woman

when she was alive, your auntie?

- Yes, she was. - Yes.

She's still bossy!

- LAUGHTER

- She's laughing.

- Son got the motorbike.

- Who's got the motorbike?

- Oh, that'll be my son. - Ah.

She's saying tell him to sloooow doooown.

- Right. - She says she feels much better now,

so you're not to worry.

Will you take her love, my darling? - Yes. Thank you.

Yes.

- Thank you.

- APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

- Goose bumps.

- A5 - daughter Elizabeth died in a car crash.

- I'm feeling some other energy now.

Making me move in this direction.

I think I'm coming to you, my love.

Blonde lady.

I'm getting a... Oh, young lady.

Something about a car crash.

- No. - Sure?

A lady called Elizabeth.

- No. - It's definitely seat A5.

Car crashed on Ledbury Street.

It was a four car pile-up. She can't have forgotten it.

- Ledbury Street.

I want you to think about that.

Definitely for you. - No, not for me.

AUDIENCE MURMURING

- She must be sitting in the wrong seta.

You're losing them!

Do the stage spirit.

- I think the communication from the spirit world

is being disturbed

by a strong, violent presence

here on this very stage.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen,

there is a spirit with me here now

who died 100 years ago when a piece of scenery fell on her head

during a matinee performance

of the Importance Of Being Earnest

by Irish playwright and homosexual Oscar Wilde.

She is trapped now

between Earth and heaven.

She wanders the stage.

She is tired now. So tired.

She wants me to see if I can help her get into the spirit world.

I'll do my best, my love.

Spirits, if you can hear me,

please take this lady to her rest.

Please let her enter your porthole.

Spirits, take her!

- AUDIENCE: Oh!

- She's gone.

Thank you, spirits.

Thank you! - Hey, maybe I should ask

if she can bring Alex Higgins through so I can make amends.

- That's a good idea, Mandy.

- Um, excuse me.

Excuse me, Pauline.

Um, I don't know this Elizabeth woman,

but there is someone on the other side I'd like to talk to.

Um, I've got some unfinished business

with Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.

AUDIENCE: Oh! - The two-times world champion snooker player?

- Yeah. Yeah, could you bring him through so I could apologise to him?

- You want me to summon the ghost! of Hurricane Higgins?

- Yeah. - You want me to summon the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?

- Yes, please. - You want me to summon the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?

I'm sorry, love, I don't do requests.

I'm not a DJ!

- Shame she didn't get Alex. - Yeah.

- Maybe she's losing her touch.

How's the human statue work going? - It's all right.

Most people find the hours of inactivity hard to cope with,

but, for me, it's the only perk of the job. - Hmm.

- When I performed here last night,

I was confronted by the spirit

of an actress

who died on this very stage 100 years ago.

I wonder, will she make an appearance again?

- What the...?

Oh, fucking hell.

I know that smell.

Embassy 100s.

Higgins, is that you?

- Of course it's me.

I've come for you, Mandy.

You lost me the 1980 World Snooker finals.

I said I'd track you down.

And I have. - I'm sorry. It was an accident.

Please forgive me. - I could have potted that blue,

come round for the final red,

leaving me on for the black.

But you distracted me.

You cost me the World Championship, Mandy!

- SHE SHRIEKS

BBC SNOOKER THEME MUSIC "DRAG RACER" PLAYS

- Here comes Hurricane!

- Row A, seat six.

- While I'm talking, I'm being drawn over here

to this lady.

And I'm getting the name...

- Pauline Franklin.

- ..Franklin.

- You're snookered now, Mandy!

This is your cue to die!

- WOMAN: No, means nothing to me. - Come on, think.

- No. - People must be sitting in different seats again.

- Maybe it's the lady next to you.

- No, mate, no. Not me, no.

- Come on, let's get our money back. The woman's a charlatan.

- Pauline! Open your porthole!

Higgins is coming for me!

Help me! - Fuck me, the Grey Lady's real.

- Mandy Carter.

- it's Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.

- This is your reckoning.

- Alex, I love you!

- AUDIENCE GROANS

SHE CHOKES

AUDIENCE: Oh!

- Oh...

She didn't see that coming.

- Typical Higgins - went for the shot,

should have played safety.

- # There's a ghost in my house

# A ghost of your memories

# The ghost of the love that you took from me

# Where our love used to be

# Only shadows from the past I see

# Time can't seem to erase

# The vision of your smiling face

# Though you found someone new

# I can't get over you

# There's a ghost in my house. #