Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

- # Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

Oh, Mandy. #

- Come on! Let's hear the rentable value.

DOORBELL

Fuck me!

Who's not watching Homes Under The Hammer at this hour?

- Mandy Carter?

- Who are you? - I'm from a credit recovery agency.

- A who? - I'm a bailiff.

- Right. No, I'm...I'm not Mandy Carter.

She left about a week ago.

I'm...Candy Marter.

No relation.

- I see.

I'm empowered by law to recover

goods to the value of £2,648 and 68p.

Did you get our letters? - Letters. No.

I haven't had any letters.

- This won't take long.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

- HE SLURPS

- Oh, fucking hell!

- Ooh! Fuck!

- Mandy Carter!

Don't normally see you in here of your own volition.

To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?

- I need you to find me a job.

- Well, this is the keenest I've ever seen you to find employment, Mandy.

The last time we had a benefits assessment,

you told me you had "wrong Covid".

- They've taken my telly!

Now I'll never know the rentable value

of a two-bedroom basement flat in Bolton.

I need to make some money fast to get it back.

- Let's see. Have you got any A-levels? - No.

- Maths GCSE?

English GSCE?

There's not much for people without any qualifications.

- Oh, come on! There must be something!

I'm not expecting to be Head of EMI!

Just something where I can make a few quid quick.

- Well, there is this.

What are you like with trees?

- Trees?

I'm all right.

- Well, maybe this is for you.

It's only part-time, but we could find you something else as well,

and at least it'll show that you're willing to work.

- What is it? - Yeah, apparently, some kids have been swinging

on the branches and breaking it. It's over 800 years old.

Um, you'd be trained in the use of poisoned darts.

The training would be on-the-job, apparently. You interested?

- You had me at poisoned darts.

Are you the tree man? I'm meant to be meeting some sort of tree cunt.

- Yeah. That's me.

You must be Mandy.

- Pleased to meet you.

- Ah. You done this sort of thing before, Mandy?

- Well, I've seen a tree, if that's what you mean, on TV and that.

- Right. Well, this is a London plane -

Platanus acerifolia.

Oldest in the world.

800 years old.

If this tree could talk,

it'd be able to tell you about the Battle of Hastings,

the Black Death,

and something else old.

- If it could talk, I probably wouldn't talk to it about history.

I'd just get it straight onto Britain's Got Talent.

- Oh.

Well, unfortunately, with its becoming boughs,

it's a magnet for children, who swing on its branches,

potentially damaging its bark.

Your job, Mandy, is to...

..deter them!

Here's what you need.

This.

And this.

And this leaflet. Er...

"Firing Poison Darts For Pleasure And Profit."

- So, what...what do I do?

- Well, you just sit here,

and when a child jumps on the tree,

you shout at it to GET DOWN!

And if it doesn't budge, you just shoot it in the neck with a dart.

- Will it kill them?

- Unfortunately not.

- Are you sure I'm allowed?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so old,

the council have authorised the use of poison darts.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

I hope you get a few of the bastards.

You knock off at 5:30. - Right.

Get off the tree!

GET OFF THE TREE!

- Piss off, grandma!

- Oh, you little shit!

- Ow!

- THUD!

Mm.

Get off the tree!

ARROW SWOOSHES

ARROW SWOOSHES

DOUBLE SWOOSHES

VOLLEY OF SWOOSHES

Get off the tree!

Get off the tree!

Get off!

HE HOCKS

Ewww!

- Agh! - Dirty devil!

BELL DINGS

ARROW SWOOSHES

ARROWS PING

- I mean, what on earth were you thinking?

23 people are in hospital thanks to your blowpipe antics.

- I got carried away. I got a taste for it.

- You're making it really hard for me to find work for you here, Mandy.

This is the sort of thing that would make the local paper,

if there were local papers any more.

- Is there anything else? I don't have a penny.

- Nothing. There's nothing, Mandy.

You're on your own now.

- So, this is it.

Can't even get a job shooting kids out of trees.

This is what rock-bottom feels like.

I need a drink.

- Well, it's a simple hit.

It's just...can't do it myself cos everyone knows me round here.

- Hm.

We need to find someone local,

someone who wants to make some easy money.

- I enjoyed that job. - Yeah. Yeah.

- I was accurate.

Only needed one chance, and they were down.

It was good money, too.

Oh, give us another one, Paul. Put it on the slate.

- I can't do that, Mandy.

We haven't had a slate since 1976.

- Paul, please!

I'm at my lowest egg!

- Did you just say egg?

- Yeah. - It's ebb.

- Ebb? What kind of word is ebb?

- All right, love!

Do you want to come over here and join us? Eh? Take a seat.

We'll buy you a drink.

Plus, we, er...

..we want to discuss something with you.

- All right. Nothing dirty, mind.

- Strictly business.

- Paul!

- So, you're a crack shot, are you?

- Yeah. Great shot. Cold as ice.

- Right. I'll cut to the chase.

We're looking for someone like you -

a good shot.

And there's big money in it, too.

You could, if you'll pardon the expression, make a killing!

- I don't get it.

- Oh!

Cool customer, eh?

- Oh! - Cheers, Paul! - Nice one, mate.

- Thanks, Paul.

- How much?

- How much what? - For the job. How much?

- Oh! It was £12 an hour, but it was only part-time.

- No. For this job.

How much do you want? - Oh.

Right. Um...

Five grand. - Oh. Is that all?

- Oh, I mean 15! - No.

Five grand. It's a deal.

- Right. All right.

What do I have to do?

- This is him.

- That's a very professional photo.

- Yeah. He did some acting once.

- He'll be at 15 Rillington Place next Tuesday.

9pm.

- I'd be killing a man? Is that right?

How much was it again?

- Five grand cash.

- Right. I could do with the money.

- Look, if it makes you feel any better, he's a very bad man.

- In fact, he's a very, very bad man.

- Yeah. Well, that does makes me feel better, actually.

Can I have the money now?

- Right. Look.

Take that now for expenses.

When you've finished your job,

you get the rest.

- Fair enough.

Better get on with it!

Photo.

- Well, I mean, he is a bad man, isn't he?

- He's a very bad man.

Just not as bad as us!

- Mm, is this a bit fun for a hit man?

- OK, well, we could lose the bubble writing.

- Hmm. I don't know.

I feel like if I'm going to leave this at the scene of my hits,

it needs to be a bit more like, "Oh, it's them!"

You know, a bit more professional.

- I definitely think adding a name would make it more personal.

- Yeah. It's just, as a hit man, I'd just rather not reveal my identity.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Um, have you thought about using a pseudonym?

- I've always liked the name Graham.

- Graham.

- And what about a surname?

WHISPERS: Graham...

Horton?

- Does that sound a bit too much like Graham Norton?

- People like Graham Norton.

- Yeah, but would you trust him to kill someone for you?

- Oh, that's a point.

I reckon he'd make a right pig's ear of it!

- OK.

There you go. How does that look?

- Oh, that's lovely!

Yeah. How much is it?

- Well, how many do you need?

- Oh, not many - 15, 20.

OK. - Well, we've got a special offer, at the moment,

it works out cheaper if you buy 7,000.

- Oh, I'll do. Yeah. Thanks.

Excuse me. You haven't had any guns come in, have you?

- Guns? No.

Oh, well, hold on! I'll ask Linda.

Linda? Linda?

- Yeah?

- We haven't had any guns come in, have we?

- Guns? - Yeah.

- No, love.

What's she after?

Colt 45?

AK-47?

Uzi?

- What kind of gun you after, love?

- Any of those will do.

- Linda, she says any of those will do.

- Well, take her number, Maur,

and if any come in, we can give her a ring.

- What's your number, love?

- Actually, how much is that big sword there?

- Hang on a sec.

I'll ask Linda.

Linda?

- What now?!

- How much is that big sword on the model?

- Call it £4.

- It's £4... - Yes, I heard.

Yes, I'll take that, thanks.

Oh, fuck!

- Hello! - Oh, hiya!

- Are you OK? - Yeah, I just got my sword stuck in this tree.

- Oh, dear!

I wonder if I could...

- BARK CREAKS

- There we go!

- Oh, thanks. - OK.

It's a lovely sword. Where did you find it?

- You'll never guess. Sue Ryder - the charity shop!

- No! - Yeah! - That's fantastic.

I've always loved swords, ever since I was a little boy,

but my mum could never afford to buy me one.

- Oh. Well, would you like to take this one?

- Oh, no, I couldn't possibly take your lovely sword.

- Oh, no. Go on. It's yours.

- Oh, that's very kind.

I can put it with my others.

- Others?

- I'll just put this here.

- You're not married, are you?

- No. How did you know?

- Your decor could do with a woman's touch.

- Honestly, I can't thank you enough for this new sword.

- Oh, you don't have to thank me.

- Well, there must be something I can do for you.

- Actually, I couldn't take a photo of you pretending to be dead, could I?

- What? - I know it sounds mad, but I was hired to kill you

and I won't get the money if I haven't completed the job.

- Um...

Yeah. All right. I'll do it. - Oh, great.

- As long as you tell me who hired you.

- All right. It's a deal.

- Is it done?

- All done.

- How do we know?

- Ta.

- Yeah. I found your card.

I've got a job for you.

Well...

..two jobs, actually.

- I couldn't bring myself to do it, Lola,

but he let me pretend I'd killed him, so I still got the money.

- That is very understanding of him.

- Yeah. - And what are you going to do

with all the business cards you had printed up?

- Oh, don't worry. I found a good home for them.

Someone bought them off me on Etsy,

so made a bit of extra cash there, too.

- Ah.

- JAMES BOND—ESQUE MUSIC

# Bang, bang, I shot you down

# Bang, bang, you hit the ground

# Bang, bang, that awful sound

# Bang, bang I used to shoot you down

# Music played and people sang

# Just for me, the church bells rang

# Hey! #