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NARRATOR: Judgment Day. For the 15 American beauty finalists

seeking the coveted National Beauty title, it's the long-awaited moment.

We'd say they all look like prize-winners.

Picked from entries representing practically every state of the union,

they're the cream of the crop.

And of course, a good deal of this win goes to my mother.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

* The most beautiful girl in the world

* Picks my ties out, eats my candy, drinks my brandy

* The most beautiful girl in the world

* The most beautiful star in the world,

* Isn't Garbo, isn't Dietrich, but the sweet trick

* Who can make me believe it's a beautiful world

* Social? Not a bit!

* Natural kind of wit

* She'd shine anywhere

* And she hasn't got platinum hair *

The most beautiful house in the world

* Has a mortgage, what do I care? It's "Good-bye, care"

* When my slippers are next to the ones that belong

* To the one and only

* The one and only

* The one and only beautiful girl in the world *

(DENTIST'S DRILL WHIRRING)

How long till they're straight?

You'll have beautiful teeth by your 16th birthday.

Just in time for junior miss.

So how are you going to be paying for this?

Cash, monthly.

Ten, thirty, fifty...

(HORN HONKING)

Where you been?

Out.

Answer your mother.

Out.

Don't you be a smart-ass.

Lurdy, she's my kid, not yours.

Well as long as she's living under my roof, she ain't gonna

-talk to me that way. -Your roof? You ain't got a roof.

This is my roof.

Where are you going?

To work.

Well, you want some pizza?

That's my pizza.

(ADULTS ARGUING)

So do you want some pizza?

Knock first.

Oh Mona, don't aggravate me. I've got a headache.

When the "do not enter" sign is up, you knock first.

Mona, do you want something to eat or not?

I want you to knock first.

Can I come in?

No!

Hi, my name is Ramona...

Okay.

Hello, my name is Ramona Hibbard, but my... uhh.

(EXHALES)

Hello, my name is Ramona Hibbard, but my friends call me Mona.

I'm the owner of MND,

Mona's Neighborhood Deliveries.

I have a variety of household items that you may need,

but don't have enough time to go all the way to the store to buy.

In laundry detergent, I can offer you Fab or Tide.

Here's my card.

Here's my card.

Here's my card.

You want a 5% discount now?

No, Gerald over at Piggly Wiggly told me he'd give me a 5% discount.

It's 10 to you.

I can't do that.

(SCOFFS) Nice doing business with you.

Hold on, wait a minute.

All right, there you are.

There you go.

Thanks.

Why, how generous,

and completely unexpected.

Thank you, ma'am. I'll see you soon.

And the winner of the Little Miss Scarlet Fashion Model Contest,

12 to 14 age division, is...

Autumn Middleborough.

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

And that concludes the fourth annual

Verna Chickles Little Miss Scarlet Fashion Model Contest.

I want to thank you all for coming today,

and thank you for being so beautiful.

(CHUCKLES)

Where have you been?

I was feeling a little sick, so I went and got myself a drink.

Come on, let's go.

Look what I won, mama. Look what I won.

You won?

Ahh!

Participant?

You didn't win.

You bought this with whatever you paid to get in this thing.

What did you pay?

$135 registration fee.

$135 for that?

Come on, get your bags. Let's go, come on.

(SIGHS)

Don't ask me to drive you to anymore of these things.

I'll pay for the gas.

I don't need you to pay for my gas.

Well, I don't need you either.

I... I can ride my bike.

Mona!

You're aggravating me and I've got a headache.

Now let's get out of here.

Hurry up.

Go on, go on.

(SHUSHING)

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLES)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

LURDY: Wait!

(LURDY GROANING)

Wait! Wait!

All right, listen to me.

If he tries that bullshit again, I'll kill him

and I'll you turn you in for not protecting me

and I'll go live with a foster family while you rot in jail.

Got that?

Nedra, don't believe the brat.

I went into the wrong room. I was looking for the bathroom.

She's a lying brat.

ANNOUNCER: Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois,

is your new Miss American Miss!

CROWD: (CHANTING) Mona! Mona! Mona!

(VERNA CHUCKLING)

Mona, honey, I don't know why you haven't won any pageants.

It's not just that I haven't won after 18 pageants,

I haven't even made it into the top 20.

It's the wardrobe, isn't it?

I'm going to tell you a little secret.

I have started a modeling academy for the most promising young ladies.

A little basic training and you will be winning pageants in no time.

How would you like to pay for that?

Um, cash, monthly.

And It's Hibbid? Hibbard.

Mona. Mona, yes.

Of course.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Very good, very good. All right, all right.

Now ladies, let's move on.

Today, I'd like to introduce you

to the step-pivot-turn-around hand snap.

All right? Now watch me very carefully.

All right. Now one little step,

eye contact, eye contact,

turn your body slowly. At the last moment, snap!

Now remember that, ladies? All right, your turn.

Now one little step forward,

keeping your eyes on your audience.

Turn your body slowly, very good eye contact Tia.

All right, now then, snap!

Oh, very good! All right, let's try it moving.

If your eyes are not on them, their eyes will not be on you.

Move over, Scumona.

-Oh, sorry. -Ouch! Ow!

Sweet Jesus.

(TEACHER CHATTERING)

(BELL RINGING)

Whoa!

Want to sit next to your girlfriend and get cooties.

You can sit by your girlfriend, Dickie.

(ALL TEASING)

-(GROANING) -Ahh! It's cold!

Damn. You guys made me spill my lemonade.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Jason, Eric, Richard? You've got clean-up. Get over here.

(BOYS COMPLAINING)

TEACHER: I don't want to hear it. I've heard it before.

Go inside now. Don't argue. Go, go, go.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

I hate lunch.

Me too.

-I'm in your home-ec class. I'm Mona. -Ruby.

Where did you learn to sew so good?

My grandma.

I don't have lemonade to give you, but do you want my orange?

I'm on a diet.

Well, whatever I've got, it's yours.

And the winner of the Most Unique Pageant Outfit,

-12 to 14 division, Mona Hibbard. -(SQUEALS)

Yeah!

Grandma!

Grandma, we won, grandma!

(GRANDMA CHUCKLING)

Hello, sweetheart.

-I can't believe that we won! -Did you now?

Yeah! I'll take your bag.

-Come on in. -Hello, Mrs. Stillwell.

See, I'm just as pretty and talented as the girls who win.

-The problem is my outfits. -Well, so you won?

Isn't that nice?

The title, no.

-My outfit won, grandma! -Oh!

Yes, but I was wearing it.

Well isn't that nice?

I can pay you $25 for each dress.

Oh, my, look at you.

I can also get you certain supermarket clearance items.

You just worry about paying for the fabric.

How come you're being so nice to me?

You hardly know me.

Must be your looks.

It's hard to say no to someone as beautiful as you.

You go wash up for dinner.

Okay, how much time do we have?

The show starts in 20 minutes.

But I wish we could watch it at my place.

Yeah, but you don't have a TV.

-I know. -Oh, come on, it will be fine.

-Where do we stop next? -The Millers.

Then the Stewarts, then the Petsen-Cofflers.

-They're just two seconds from my house. -Just two seconds.

All right.

The Miss American Miss contest is not going to start without me.

(BOTH WHOOPING)

Come on, Ruby.

Come on.

Mona?

Come on, it's okay.

All I'm saying is you've got to get out of that chair and find a job.

I'm working on this here motor.

-What smells? -What doesn't? Come on.

NEDRA: You've been working on that thing for two years!

LURDY: And I'd be done if you'd stay off my ass!

Get the money box.

Hold on, wait.

-Wow, Mona, you've got a lot. -Yeah, I know.

I'm going to need it.

Okay. I've got the booklet, I've got the clippings.

Come on, let's go.

Hurry up. What are you doing? We're going to miss the opening part.

Okay, let's go.

ANNOUNCER: And here they are, the beautiful 1986

Miss American Miss contestants.

NEDRA: Where are my cigarettes?

Wow, they just keep getting prettier and prettier.

-Here, I made this for us. -Thanks!

Where are my damn smokes? I just bought a pack of smokes.

Lurdy!

I cannot watch this beauty crap.

Nedra, I do not know where your damn cigarettes are.

(ADULTS ARGUING)

ANNOUNCER: From the state of Texas, we have Pam Seal.

You wouldn't know it, but this blonde beauty is a rough rider.

She can tame a wild beast and she can treat them.

She's studying to be a vet at Lubbock State.

From New Mexico, Lucy Ann Miranda.

Lucy's hobbies are aerobics and spelunking,

but she gets her greatest rewards from working with the terminally ill.

LURDY: Would you turn that down?

(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)

ANNOUNCER: Runner-up is Miss North Carolina, Sheryl Ann Tinan.

Our first runner-up is...

Miss Nevada is first runner-up. Miss Texas has got it.

ANNOUNCER: Michelle Willis!

This makes our 1992 Miss American Miss,

Miss Texas, Mindy Joe Gilbert.

MONA: It's always Miss Texas.

(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES CHATTERING)

Stand up.

(SIGHS)

You know, that's the second year in a row a dancer's won.

Uh-huh. You know it's statistically proven.

Singing and dancing and having a platform to do with children

and getting choked up during the interview.

It's the only way to go.

(SCOFFS)

-What? -May I, please?

-Mona, what are you doing? -You need a new look.

-What do you mean a new look? -Just I'm...

-I like my hair. -Come on, Laura Ingalls, it's so over.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

So what do you think?

I think you need to learn to dance and sing.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(GIRL SINGING SCALES)

DANCE INSTRUCTOR: ...six, seven, inside!

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

And one and two and three, drop, four,

over, five, six, seven, eight.

JOEY: Hey baby, come on over here.

You can invite Martin in. He doesn't have to wait outside.

That's not Martin. That's Joey.

What happened to Martin?

He got on my nerves.

They sure come and go quickly.

Come on, hurry. Let's fit this so Joey can drive me home.

(RETCHING)

Mona, are you all right?

No.

Must be nerves.

Yeah, must be. You got everything?

Yeah, we got interview, evening, bathing suit, and your outfit for talent.

(RETCHING)

Do you want some crackers for the bus?

(BLEATING)

Animals love me.

Jo-Jo, I thought you were doing an interpretive jazz routine

to Yankee Doodle Dandy.

No.

Bicycle Built For Two while I'm twirling my fire baton.

But I'm twirling a fire baton while I do an interpretive jazz routine

to Bicycle Built For Two. You knew that!

I told you that at registration.

What a shame.

Thank goodness I'm going first.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, our first contestant

in the Miss Naperville County Beauty Pageant,

Jo-Jo Oberschmidt.

Good, good, good luck to you.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

(BICYCLE BUILT FOR T PLAYING)

(GASPING)

(CHUCKLING) I like this one.

(CROWD GASPING)

(MOANING)

(SOBBING)

I'm so glad I could be here to help, you know?

This could have been an absolute tragedy.

It could.

-Oh, Jo-Jo. Oh, my goodness. -It's fine, honey.

This is an outrage. Oh!

Do you remember Alexandra Valenti?

When she tripped up Princess Somahoni, nobody said anything.

And her nose has never been the same since.

She works in Rite Aid now.

The one on Pat Street?

I mean, this is the fourth scandal I've been involved in.

-Give me a handle. -Oh!

They never proved anything.

Mona, everything will be all right.

No, it won't. I can't compete in the county anymore.

All right, so we'll think of something. We'll move to a different county, all right?

-It's going to be fine. -Even if we move, I can't.

-Yes, you can. We'll figure it out. -No, we won't.

-Yes, we will. -Ruby, I'm pregnant.

You should have a flaming act too. That would do it, dear. (LAUGHS)

It's not going to be fine.

Rule number five in the handbook, "mothers and legal guardians are ineligible."

You know, I needed to win tonight. I needed the money. I needed it.

Now I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

I always loved the circus. Didn't you, Mona?

Yes, Mrs. Stillwell. I think I'll join it.

-Now you stop this, Mona. -It's over.

No, you listen to me.

I will figure it out.

We've made it through a lot of stuff, and we'll make it through this.

(SNIFFLING)

Okay?

(LAUGHS)

Do you remember when Verna Chickle

accused you of cutting the rear end out of Kelly Macon's swimsuit

in the Miss Tiny Little Darling Princess Pageant?

You thought your career was over then,

and it wasn't.

So we're going to make it through this, okay?

Now let me see that smile.

Let me see it.

(SIGHS)

Nope, that's not the one I want to see.

(MONA SOBS)

I want to see that Miss American Miss smile.

(SNIFFLING)

There it is.

That's it. That's the one I was looking for.

GIRL: Mother. Mother.

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Mother!

Mom? I've got to go now.

Wait a second, sweetie. Your Aunt Mona's up there. See?

Yeah, I see, but I still gotta pee.

ANNOUNCER: ...will represent the great state of Illinois

at the Miss American Miss Pageant later this year, is...

(DRUM ROLL PLAYING)

-Miss Paige County, Mona Hibbard! -(SCREAMS)

She did it! She won!

Oh! Ow!

I'm sorry, did I poke you?

Look, sweetie, she's being crowned Miss Illinois!

Well, congratulations Mona. What a surprise, huh?

How many judges did you do to win this pageant?

Everyone except your daddy. His dick was too small.

ANNOUNCER: Isn't she lovely, ladies and gentlemen?

26-year-old Miss Paige County, Mona Hibbard!

(LAUGHING)

Would you stop? If you carry on doing that,

your face is going to get stuck like that, you know?

Vanessa, sweetheart, eat your dinner.

Here, look, put the crown on her head.

Come on, every little girl wants to be a beauty queen.

Not me. I want to be a professional soccer player.

Get this thing off me.

-No, make her put it on. -Leave it on, Vanessa.

Come on, it's like mine.

Vanessa, it's sweet. Let me see. Just look at me.

It's cute.

You know what? I bet Grandma's smiling down from heaven right now.

Oh yeah, I wish she could have been here.

I know.

So my mom never showed, did she?

I didn't see her.

Nah. Ah, no one gives a shit about the state thing, but it counts in the big one.

You know when they cut to the contestant's family

in that little box on the side of the screen?

I mean, she's got to be there.

Mother's got to get in a little box?

No, Vanessa, 99.9% of all Miss American Misses

have had their parents in the audience except Brianna Dombercount, 1997.

Remember that? She was like an orphan?

So the interview went really well.

-Did it? -Yeah, they especially liked the part

-where I got choked up... -Mom!

And said that good parenting begins at home and you know...

What is your problem?

Aren't you ever going to take that stuff off?

I mean, everyone's staring at you.

Yeah, because I'm pretty.

Vanessa, if people were to see me without my crown and sash,

it would be really upsetting for them.

-Now give me one of those fries. -VANESSA: Hey, that's mine!

-Mona, you're going to get fat. -I am not.

-Uh-huh. -Am not.

-Mona, don't tease her. -Anyway, this is my last French fry

until after the big contest, which is exactly two months and nine days from now.

Excuse me. Are you Miss Illinois?

Why, yes I am.

Could my little girl have your autograph, please?

Sure. First one.

Is this your daughter?

No, no, she's the...

You can't... You can't be Miss Illinois and have a child.

Oh, of course. Well, she looks just like you.

-No, I don't. -No, she doesn't.

It's ridiculous. She's mine.

Amanda wants to be Miss American Miss when she grows up.

Oh. Well...

Get her teeth fixed and the mole removed, and then, you know, you never know.

And remember, Amanda, it's what's inside that counts.

Okay.

Okay, let's go.

WOMAN: Thank you. There you go. Okay, my pleasure.

(VANESSA HUMMING)

Ruby, make her stop. She's doing it again.

-Stop it. -Vanessa, stop. Cut it out.

I don't walk like that.

-VANESSA: Mmm-hmm. -I do not.

-VANESSA: Mmm-hmm. -I do not.

VANESSA: You do too!

Rise and shine, Illinois. I'm sitting here with Mona Hibbard,

who was crowned Miss Illinois last Saturday.

Welcome, Mona, and congratulations.

Thank you, Joyce. It's nice to be here.

Oh my, it looked like you were having so much fun.

Oh, I was, Joyce.

Me and the gals, we were just like sisters.

-Had a ball. -Oh, I bet you did.

Mona, many people feel that pageants are antiquated rituals

that perpetuate sexist perceptions of women.

What's your response?

Well... I, um...

I would have to say that it's America's largest scholarship program for women.

So you don't think pageants exploit women?

No, uh-uh, mm-mm, no. No.

-But... -And I mean,

it's not as bad as the kind of exploitation they make you do, right?

-(SCOFFS) -Come on,

it must be so hard having your face plastered on buses and billboards,

you know, just to increase viewership and advertisers' dollars.

No, yes. Yes, that's very true.

But thank goodness I don't get judged while parading around in a bathing suit and heels.

Yes, thank goodness.

Mona, as beautiful as you are,

-and oh my goodness, yes, yes you are... -Thank you.

Controversy surrounds you.

I understand that you were accused

of viciously sabotaging many innocent girls,

a behavior that went on for years.

-It's not true. -It's not?

No.

According to this,

Candy Bartholomew had a nervous breakdown

after you stuffed a sock down her saxophone.

Misty Waters had to go into psychotherapy

after you smeared Vaseline on her toe shoes.

And a lovely young girl, Jo-Jo Oberschmidt's right hand was scarred.

(TEARFULLY) Excuse me.

(SIGHS)

I'd have preferred

to use this opportunity to discuss my platform,

(SNIFFING)

empowering America's youth for a brighter tomorrow.

Which I feel very, very strongly about

instead of responding to this mean-spirited...

Thank you so much.

We'll be right back with tips on how to look young in your 20s and 30s

and all the way into your 40s.

Don't go away.

MAN: You're clear. We've got 30 seconds till we're back.

Ow! Ow!

Excuse me.

Oscar?

Oscar?

Are you in here?

Where is he?

You see, I told you, no Oscar.

Oh.

He'll be here. He's coming for me.

He won't forget.

Mrs. Walters, if you just tell me who Oscar is,

then maybe I could give him a call.

How about your son? What's his name?

Bob.

Not Oscar? Not Oscar.

Well, I could call Bob and tell him to come and visit his mother.

Forget about Bob.

He's my friend.

My son, his name is Bob.

Forget about him.

Oscar?

Oscar?

Where were you?

At a convention in Schramsberg.

Now I believe I have asked you to stay off my dance floor,

and this is not a toy. It is a mic stand.

You were supposed to take me to my soccer game.

Well, I got tied up. I was signing autographs and posing for pictures, you know?

I'll take you to your next practice.

-It was a game, not practice. -Well, sorry.

My mom never forgets to take me to my soccer games.

I did not forget.

Vanessa, these roach and small rodent fumigators?

They came from all over the country.

Now I could not let them down.

Miss Illinois.

What's this?

It's 6:15. I want to pick my mom up from work.

Why are they sending me a camera?

Dear Contestant for the 2000 Miss American Miss Pageant, da da da da da.

-This year, we would like each contestant... -Did you hear me?

To take photographs of a day in your life.

Mona, I want to pick my mother up from work.

What kind of a girl are you? What is your family like?

Oh my god, no.

I want to go pick up Ruby right now.

Come on, we've got to go right now. Now, now, now, now.

I just said that.

-Hey mom. -RUBY: What are you two doing here?

Why aren't you at your soccer game?

No, no Clara, just wait until we get into your room, okay?

Ruby, wait. Look. Vanessa, show her.

The pageant sent me a camera.

They want me to start taking pictures of, like, family outings,

you know, day in the life stuff.

I mean, I thought we could get some like candid, fuzzy like,

I don't know, family-style pictures with the old people here.

What do you think? They want human interest stuff.

What is human interest? I don't get it.

-It's stuff that humans find interesting. -Like what?

Like people. Take pictures of people.

What if there aren't that many people that you're interested in?

RUBY: Can you take the wheelchair and put it in the hallway?

Sure. People, people I find interesting. Who do I find interesting?

John Tesh, Vanessa Williams.

You know, I can't take their picture.

Up and over.

-My goodness. -Oh, you've got your hands.

-Are there anybody... is there anybody... -Hurry, dear.

I'm hurrying.

Mona, can you go to that cabinet and get...

There's a white lace robe in the back of that closet. Will you get it?

Oh. Yeah.

Eww. There's a smell in here.

RUBY: There you go. Into bed you go.

I don't feel well.

I've got to get Clara's medicines. You two behave yourselves.

Okay, Vanessa, get the camera out.

Hi. I'm just going to arrange this so it's pretty.

All right. Mind if I brush your hair?

Okay. All right, just take the picture.

-How do I do it? -I don't know, just figure it out.

Come on, just take the picture. Ready?

-(SHUTTER CLICKING) -MONA: That's great.

Oh, ha ha ha, take the picture.

All right, you two, that's enough. Go wait for me outside.

Okay.

I'll just be a few more minutes here with Clara.

The car's right out front. Okay, sweetie.

All right, Clara, let's take your pill and you'll get a good night's sleep tonight.

Thank you.

Mom. Mona's making me take pictures of her with the other old people.

Just tell her to stop and go get in the car.

Okay, see you out there.

-Where is it dear? -It's in the cup.

No, it's not there.

Huh, I thought it was in there. All right.

Ruby, dear, would it be wrong if I asked you for two tonight?

I have such a hard time sleeping,

and tomorrow's going to be such a busy day.

All right, but just this once.

Here, drink up. I need to see you swallow them down, and then I have to run off.

That's good. Drink, drink, drink.

That's good, Clara, that's good.

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Oh, no, dear. No, Oscar's coming to get me.

He looked so handsome in his uniform.

He said he would be back for me.

(GIGGLING)

Good night, Clara.

Goodbye, Ruby dear.

* You'll say

* I'm the only one

Two, three, four.

I can't concentrate with all the noise.

(GIGGLING)

Sorry.

VANESSA: No.

RUBY: What did I have to do to convince you?

Just do it.

VANESSA: I have to practice. I don't have time.

Vanessa, come on. Just do it.

I don't want to.

It'll be fun.

Just take a bunch of pictures of her wherever she goes.

That's easy, right?

No.

-Don't you want Mona to win? -No.

Missy, you don't mean that.

Will you rub my back?

If she wins, she'll be gone for a year, right?

Yep, she'd be gone for almost a whole year.

Okay, I'll do it.

Thank you. You're sweet.

You're very sweet. You're made of sugar.

You're like a big rock candy mountain.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Stop it, would you?

Just trying to help.

No, no, no. Not now. Not now.

I'll tell you when.

You know any handicapped people?

Only you.

Ugh. Forget it.

What are you so upset about?

I've got six weeks to try and top a marrow transplant to a dying foster sister.

-How about orphans? -Do you know any?

No.

Know who Oprah is?

Love Oprah. She's thin right now, right?

How the heck should I know?

So listen to this. She said that if a little baby never gets hugged or kissed,

when it grows up, it doesn't know how to love.

Then if anyone tries to touch it, it cries and gets all stiff and rigid.

-Oh my gosh. Are you okay? -Oh my god, oh my god.

Ohh! (LAUGHING)

Get the camera out. Get the camera out now.

Okay, let me talk to her, let me talk to her.

Okay, I'm Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

-Okay, what's your name? -Theresa.

Okay, Theresa. Everything's going to be fine.

Nobody panic. I'm Miss Illinois, I have everything under control.

(THERESA MOANING)

All right. Theresa, I'm going to get you safely to a hospital, okay?

-Can you hang in there? -Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, my God.

(THERESA SCREAMING)

* Did you... Oh, what's the song?

* It must have been cold there in my shadow

* To never have sunlight on your face

* You were content to let me shine

* That's your way

* You always walked a step behind *

(THERESA SCREAMING)

* Did you ever know that you're my hero

* And everything I would like to be... *

(HORN BLARING)

Where are you taking me!

(THERESA SCREAMING)

* Must have been... Keep shooting!

* Cold there in my shadow

I'm holding for Lance DeSalvo, the National Pageant Director.

It's Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

Yeah. I was just wondering if you received the press clipping I sent him.

Yeah, I just wanted to know if,

you know, he wanted to use the shot for next month's newsletter

because I think it is a lot more upbeat than Miss Texas in a coma.

Uh-huh, so can you... No, I'm... oh!

(TONE DRONING)

(VANESSA CHATTERING)

Well, I don't know about you, but I think my platform,

Empowering America's Youth for a Brighter Tomorrow, is so excellent

because there are so many things you can...

VANESSA: Goal!

You know what? I'm going to throw that ball out the window.

I'm practicing.

Well, don't do it in the house.

Come in here, help me.

(DIALING)

LURDY: Hello?

-Hello, Lurdy? -Yeah.

-Is my mother there? -Who is it?

-It's Mona. -No, she isn't.

Why is it whenever I call, she's not there?

Hello?

Well, can you just tell her that I need her to come with me to Long Beach, California?

California?

-In a month. -What for?

-For the contest. -What's she gonna do?

Because I need her to be in the little box in the right-hand side of the screen.

I don't watch those things.

Okay?

Well, no, I mean... can you tell her?

-Yes, I'll tell her. -Okay.

-(LINE DISCONNECTS) -You there? Oh...

But Miss Hibbard, I'm wondering about the promise you made.

The promise?

-Yeah, the promise you made on camera. -(BABY WAILING)

Allow me to refresh your memory,

"A vote for me is a vote for the end of the objectification of women."

At the pageant in three weeks,

how will you make known your opposition

to the sexist tyranny of traditional pageants?

I... You know, you'll just have to tune in and find out, won't you?

-Yes, we will. Cut. -Okay.

Uh, who belongs to this?

(WAILING)

(CHATTERING)

He's a sweet, sweet child.

Ah, Mr. Hendricks?

-Beautiful. -Um, perhaps...

(BELCHES)

Pardon me.

Excuse me, miss?

Yes?

Table for two, please.

I'm not a hostess. I'm Miss Illinois.

What'd she say?

She asked if we wanted smoking or non-smoking.

Oh, smoking.

Hmm.

Fine. Right this way.

Come on, come on, come on.

-It's good exercise, Mr. Bryant. -(GROANS)

MAN: Come in, please.

Oh excuse me, Mr. Willoughby. I didn't know you were busy.

I thought you wanted to see me.

Yes, I do, Ruby.

Come in.

REPORTER ON TV: At the pageant in three weeks, how will you make known

your opposition to the sexist tyranny of traditional pageants?

MONA ON TV: Well, I. ..

Could you please just turn that off?

-...find out. -Yeah...

(DOOR CLOSING)

Thank you.

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, momma!

Hey, baby.

-Did you do your homework? -Ruby,

can you get me into the cancer ward of your hospital?

There is no cancer ward at my hospital.

Well, you know, any hospital.

-Mona, can you sit down? -Sure.

-(DOOR BELL RINGS) -I'll get it!

-Now I don't want crippled people. -Vanessa!

I have old people.

So it'd definitely have to be bald kids. I mean, they'd have bald kids, right?

Mona, please listen to me, okay?

I need to talk to you.

What?

Ruby, whatever Vanessa told you, I didn't do anything.

No. Today at the hospital...

VANESSA: Mom, there's someone that wants to see you.

-MAN: Thank you very much, young lady. -Oh, God.

-What? -I need to talk to your mother.

-Ruby, what do you... -Excuse me, Miss Stillwell.

Lieutenant Bloomfield. We met this afternoon.

Right.

I'm very sorry, but we're going to have to take you in.

What? What do you mean, take her in?

-But I didn't do it. -You do have a right to call on an attorney.

What's going on?

I don't know where she got the pills. Honest, I didn't give them to her.

It's a good idea if you don't say anything right now.

Wait, wait, wait, what's going on?

BLOOMFIELD: Do you understand your rights?

-Yes. -Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, what is going on?

Clara Walters died.

Well, so what? She was, like, 500 years old.

Yeah, but she died of a drug overdose and they think I did it.

What? Where are you taking her?

BLOOMFIELD: To the police station.

You two look after each other until I come back, okay?

I'm not staying with her.

Vanessa, you have to be a big girl, okay, because Mona needs you.

No, no, I don't need her. I need you.

Don't worry, okay? Everything's going to be all right.

-Don't worry. -Take her away.

Mom!

What... What are you doing?

Getting a foster family. I'm not living with you.

Hi, I'm a kid who needs a foster family.

Okay, give me the phone, just...

Hi, no, it's my niece. She's just playing around.

Um, I uh...

Listen, do you have any kind of month-to-month plan?

-(DOOR SLAMS) -Okay, I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Goodbye.

What's the sign on the door say?

Don't take that tone with me.

You know my rules.

-Can I come in? -No!

You're not leaving.

-Yes, I am! -No, you're not.

Yes I am too!

This is your home and you're staying put.

And that's final. In the case now known as the angel of

* I know some things

* Never change

* But this can't be one of them

* Are you scared?

* Are you scared?

* Are you scared?

* 'Cause if you're scared

* You're not alone

* I once thought I was brave

* But I can't stop crying

In the case now known as the Angel of Mercy killing,

nurse Ruby Stillwell has been named the prime suspect

for the murder of an elderly patient in her care.

Let's go to the camera inside.

Miss Walter was a very elderly woman...

Your Honor, that is precisely the point. She was confined to a wheelchair,

yet the autopsy has revealed that she died of a massive overdose of barbiturates,

drugs that she herself was unable to obtain.

How did she receive such a massive mis-medication?

-(DEFENSE ATTORNEY STAMMERING) -We submit that it was Miss Stillwell,

her nurse, who administered the drugs,

either through negligence or perhaps a misguided Kevorkian...

Your Honor? This isn't fair. He never lets me talk.

All right, I've heard enough.

This court sets a trial date for September 15th,

four and one half weeks from today. Bail's set at $150,000.

PROSECUTOR: Thank you, your Honor.

It's just a minor setback, all right? Don't worry, and I'll see you Thursday.

Should we give them the money and they let you out?

No. It's bail, sweetie. We don't have that kind of money.

What are we going to...

Hey, Ruby.

Let me be the first to report a very interesting side note.

Ruby Stillwell is the roommate of Mona Hibbard,

who will be representing our state in three weeks at the Miss American Miss Pageant.

Somehow I feel there will be more to uncover on this story,

and I'll be there first to report... Whatever.

This is Joyce Parkins reporting live from the county courthouse.

Back to you, Kyle.

(HORNS BLARING)

Come on, you moron.

(HONKING HORN)

Your soccer game?

-Yeah, what about it? -You know, I know we're a little late,

-but maybe we haven't missed it. -I missed it.

Well, so you'll go the next game, right? I mean, the way you practice...

Come on.

I'm really sorry. I was really busy. I tried.

You know, I was all the way up at Budget Town,

so a really, really long way away, okay?

Come on, I'll make you some chocolate something.

Your mother finally called.

What did she say?

-Oh, some stuff. -No, come on, tell me. What did she say?

-I can't remember. -Vanessa, tell me. What did she say?

Is she going to come with me to Long Beach?

She's not.

-Are you serious? -Mmm-hmm.

-Get in the car. -Why? I don't want to.

Get in the car!

I don't want to get in the car.

I don't care what you want to do, I'm afraid. You're getting in the car.

-Where are we going? -We're going... Uh...

We're going to my house.

(SIGHS) She has to go. I mean, she has to go.

She has to go.

How come your mom and dad hate you?

He's not my dad.

I don't know.

Maybe they hate you because you're mean, because you forget stuff,

important stuff.

And you never mean it when you say you're sorry.

Vanessa, I am sorry.

I don't believe you.

(EXHALES)

Okay. We're here.

(KNOCKING)

Nedra, get the damn door.

-Hi. -Mona?

It's me.

-Hi. -Hi.

Wow.

Wow, look at you.

Yeah, I was at a convention in Asher County.

Oh. Yeah.

-Hi. -Hello.

So...

This is Ruby's little girl, Vanessa.

-Hi. -Hi.

Well, we've been driving for about an hour,

so perhaps we could have something to drink?

Sure.

I've got to use the bathroom.

It's down the hall to the right.

-Well look at you, huh? -Right.

Huh?

Look at your hair.

I know. I straighten it now.

Oh. Here you go.

So you coming to the pageant or what?

Didn't you get my message?

Lurdy don't want to.

Then come alone.

-Well, when is it again? -It's a week from this Saturday.

Uh-huh. No, that's not good for me.

-Why not? -It just isn't, Mona.

MONA: Why can't you just rearrange your schedule?

NEDRA: I can't, Mona. I just can't.

Ask... Ask someone to change their shift with you.

Just change your shift with someone. I mean, why is it such a big deal? Just ask.

No, Mona. I just can't. Don't you understand what I... Mona, I just can't. No.

"You are beautiful."

"Never give up."

Quit asking me all these questions, Mona. I said no.

Mom,

I never asked you for anything.

It's one night.

It won't cost you a dime, I swear to god, it won't.

I'll get you room service and a car.

I've been working toward this since I was eight years old.

No.

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you. I don't understand you.

Well,

what don't you understand?

I don't know.

You scare me. That look in your eyes,

like you always was hungry, and then you never would eat anything.

Hey Ma, you ever heard of those Pomeranian orphans?

-What kind of orphans? -They're Pomeranian.

What are you talking about, Mona?

It's "Romanian," Mona. "Romanian."

(LAUGHS)

I thought she was talking about a dog.

She don't know shit. She never did.

No, my point... I got the word wrong.

I was picturing one of them little yappy things,

you know, that Roberta has, all them dogs of hers.

(LAUGHING) Actually, she kind of looks like one of Roberta's dogs.

-Now, now, now, now. -"Oh, look at me, I'm Miss American Miss."

-Stop it! -No, listen, listen, listen.

It's like love is a sort of language and they never learned the words.

That's what I meant.

You're just not a happy girl, are you?

I want to go now, Mona.

Okay, we'll go.

You tell her, "Good luck."

-Mona, I've got... -I'm not moving till you tell your daughter

that she's one of the 50 most beautiful, talented ladies in America.

She just wore the judges down.

You're mean. You're a mean, mean lady.

Mona, get her out of here.

You're both aggravating me and I've got a headache.

-Mona. -Hey.

-What's happened? Where's Vanessa? -She's outside.

Why didn't you send her in? I wanted to say hi.

Because I just... You've gotta tell me what I'm going to do

because I can't win

if there's no one in my family box,

and my mother won't come, so I got no one.

Oh, Mona.

I know, I just need you to tell me what to do because I worked really hard.

I mean, Rubes, you know how hard I worked.

You know? And I...

Just tell me what to do, Ruby.

For crying out loud, Mona.

Please tell me what to do, Rubes.

Tell you what to do.

Ruby, I... What's going on?

My god, Mona!

Look around. I'm in jail.

I can't help you.

I can barely help myself right now, and who's going to help Vanessa?

I'll tell you what to do, Mona.

Why don't you go home and cook Vanessa some dinner,

and then maybe you rub her back until she falls asleep for once?

I can't.

Grow up, Mona!

You're not the one who needs a mother anymore.

Come on, Ruby, I just need you to tell me what...

No. No, you stop it and you listen to me, Mona.

Look at me.

I'm going to get out of this because I didn't do anything wrong,

and then I'm going to forget about it

and it'll just be something bad that happened in my life.

I'll let it go.

But you won't let the bad things go, Mona.

You just hold onto them like everything bad that's ever happened in your life.

You never see the good things,

good things that have been in your life for a really long time now.

Go home, Mona.

Send Vanessa in. I want to say hi.

(NEDRA LAUGHING)

LURDY: She don't know shit. She never did.

RUBY: You never see the good things. You won't let the bad things go.

VERNA: You will fit in beautifully.

VANESSA: Why do your mom and dad hate you?

NEDRA: You didn't win.

LURDY: She just wore the judges down.

RUBY: Don't you want Mona to win? VANESSA: No.

GIRL: Move over, Scumona.

BOY: No, I think it's Moaner, baby!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

VANESSA: Mona?

Mona?

Mona?

So how was your day today?

Ah, I see you had a Wal-Mart opening.

You didn't go, did you?

Mona?

Mona, can you hear me?

Oh, come on, Mona, answer me.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Get up, Mona. Get up!

Ruby told me to tell you that you have to pack. You have to go.

(GROANS)

You're supposed to leave for the pageant tomorrow.

You've worked your whole life for this.

Don't worry about me. I'm going to stay with Suzy O'Connors.

Who's that?

Right wing.

She's Republican?

On my soccer team.

(GROANS)

Ruby says if you win, then I'll go to a nice foster family.

You know, if you win.

What do you mean if I win?

Well, how can you win lying on that couch eating all day?

Want to look at the mail?

Look, it's your Miss American Miss souvenir book.

Oh wow, look at all these really pretty girls.

Just let me see.

Miss Indiana wrote a children's book about a dyslexic mouse

based on the adversity she overcame in her own life.

And Miss Rhode Island was in the Peace Corps,

and assisted in building housing for 500 families.

Up hers.

That's the spirit.

And here you are!

Did they take this picture special? Because it's great.

It says your hobbies are aerobics and riding rollercoasters.

Since when?

It makes me look carefree.

The judges like carefree.

Who's the one who donated marrow to her dying foster sister.

-Oh, yeah. -Hey, you two are exactly alike.

Her hobbies are aerobics and riding roller coasters too.

What? Let me see that.

(GASPS)

-That fat, pug-nosed, lying... -Bitch?

Hey, you just watch your mouth.

-Fine. -I'm allowed to say shit like that.

-You can't. -Whatever.

(GROANS) Oh god.

Well come on, Mona, don't just sit there. I can help.

Really?

Mmm-hmm. I've got to sit on the suitcase to see if it'll shut.

Let's see, we'll pack this

and this,

and this.

Come on Mona, let's go pack.

Well hey, Vanessa?

What?

Well, I was just thinking maybe, you know, you could come with me

and help me with my costumes.

You know, because I... Well, I mean, I got an extra ticket.

Won't that be bad?

No, you know, you just...

Stay out of sight and...

I think it would be really good for you.

You know, to see what you can accomplish with a lot of hard work

and a serious attitude.

Greetings from the Hawkeye State.

I'm Fauna Fairchild, Miss Iowa.

I'm a senior at Iowa State majoring in agriculture,

and my platform is encouraging youth to postpone sexual activity.

Hey America, just say no.

Greetings from the Mountain State. I'm Ashlee Carruthers, Miss West Virginia.

I'm devoted to developing civility through care, courtesy and respect of power.

Vote for me and help me make a more polite America.

Please, and thank you.

I'm Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

I'm a performing arts major at Mafrese Borough Junior College,

and my platform is preventing birth defects and infant mortality.

(GIGGLING)

I'm Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

I'm a magna cum laude graduate of the University of Texas

with a double degree in genetics engineering and cosmetology.

My personal crusade is to assist the transplant community

in increasing organ and tissue donation.

Share your life, America. Share an organ.

Hi, I'm Mona Hibbard from the Prairie State of Illinois.

I'm passionately devoted to empowering America's youth for a brighter tomorrow

by promoting character strength,

and encouraging our youth to take control of their destiny.

All it takes is focus, aim, and drive.

Cut! Miss Illinois,

I've asked you three times to gently, gently toss the ball to Miss Texas.

Well, is it my fault if she can't catch?

-Not at all. -She's not very athletic.

-She isn't. Let's do it again, okay? -Okay, fine.

All right, people, let's go. We've got to get this before lunch.

Hey, who's got a 20 on the beach ball?

Thank you. All right, who's throwing it in now?

(CONTESTANTS CHATTERING)

Hey look, there's Belindy Lindbrook.

CONTESTANT: Who's that interviewing her?

BELINDY: I really get offended when people call me

"Belindy Lindbrook, the current Miss American Miss, a beauty queen."

It's like people think that all we do is just stand around and look pretty.

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

Hey!

Hello, so good to see you.

-Mr. DeSalvo? Miss Illinois. -Really?

MAN: Oh, Mr. DeSalvo?

CONTESTANT: Where have you been?

Miss Texas?

Oh my word.

I'm Lance DeSalvo. I'm the director of the pageant.

So nice to meet you. And who's this?

Um, this is Steve. Steve, say hello to Mr. DeSalvo.

Hey, how do you do?

DESALVO: That's incredible. Your lips, they didn't move once.

How do you do, Steve?

-Hey, how's it going? -Where were you?

-Getting some food. -What? Did anyone say anything?

No.

Well, just stay out of sight and give me the plate.

Hey, did you know that this hotel has got an indoor swimming pool?

Yeah, great. These elevators take so long.

Hey, Mona.

Oh, hey Lorna.

Oh, you sure know how to tuck it away, don't you?

I have a very fast metabolism.

Yeah, right.

Who are you?

Vanessa.

Oh, how do y'all know each other?

We don't. We just happen to be waiting for the same elevator.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. I could have sworn I saw y'all talking.

-We were. -Yeah, we were.

-We were. -Mmm-hmm.

-VANESSA: Yeah, we were. -Nine, please.

She's just a little girl who was wondering where the indoor swimming pool is.

-It's on the top floor. -No, it's not. It's on the second.

-(VANESSA GRUNTS) -Oh, no, not here.

I could have sworn I saw y'all talking at the airport this morning.

-The airport? -Wait. Hi.

Hi!

Hi, Lorna.

(ALL CHATTERING)

-My sunglasses! -They're on your head, silly.

The interview.

Stop it. My stomach aches just thinking about it.

This group of women is representative of the women in our society today,

and we are the role models for the women of tomorrow.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, but are you Jo-Jo Oberschmidt?

I was a long time ago, but it didn't look right on TV Guide,

-so now I'm Joyce Parkins. -It's me, Cricket.

Cricket McCordin, remember? Cheerleading camp two years ago?

Remember?

Hey! Hey! Ho, let's go.

Cricket, how are you?

Okay, sixth floor. Who wants out? Anyone? Anyone?

Come on.

Mona? Mona? Isn't this your floor?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, six, yes, that's me. Excuse me.

Well, well, well. I had no idea the infamous Miss Illinois was in the elevator.

Yeah. So what are you doing here in Long Beach, California?

Special assignment. The story I'm working on

is going to catapult me to a position nationally.

Sounds painful.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm going to wait for the next one.

All right. All right.

Lenny, drop everything and check on something for me.

Vanessa?

Vanessa?

What?

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing? I feel completely exhausted.

Oh yeah.

And what if I do this?

What if I don't even make it into the top 10?

Well, let's see.

Then you won't be going all over the country for a whole year,

and I won't be going to a nice foster family.

Yeah. And then we'll both be losers.

Yeah.

Have you slept at all? You look like crap.

No.

Want me to rub your back?

My mom would always rub my back.

Get under the covers.

Are you cold?

No.

No?

Ruby says there's a good chance you're going to win.

She did?

Really?

Really.

-You know, Vanessa? -Yeah?

I want you to know I would have rubbed your back,

but I wouldn't have done it good.

No, probably not.

See, I never had a mother who'd teach me how to do it.

Not like you have.

(SIGHS)

Boy, it must be great to have a mother who...

Who what?

Who loves you.

Yeah.

(CONTESTANTS CHATTERING)

MAN: Miss Alabama?

-How'd it go? -Great.

You're going to win! You're going to win! You're going to win!

Shh! We don't know that for sure.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

-Hello. -Hi.

-So how'd it go? -Oh, great.

That's good.

Now who is this?

Vanessa.

Wait, are you guys related?

-No. -Yes.

-Well, what is it? -Um... Yes.

-Yes? -Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, what's the big deal?

She's my niece.

Who is?

She is.

MISS TEXAS: Oh.

Wait, you said that you two didn't know each other.

And I thought I read in the souvenir book you're an only child

whose hobbies are aerobics and riding rollercoasters.

They are.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know about you guys, but I'm totally confused here.

Honey, where do you belong?

You're driving me crazy, all of you!

I don't know where I belong.

And besides, what's it to you?

Get out of my way, away!

I hate this hotel. I hate this hotel.

Well, that just...

Okay, I've got to go to dance rehearsal now, so I...

Good luck with your lip gloss and...

Bye, Steve.

-That's your light. -Okay.

You stay in this area right here, you're in it.

Would you just take five?

Hi, excuse me, sorry.

Just want to make sure we're not washing out here in the opening moments.

When the lights come up, we don't want to lose her face because she's...

Hi!

I feel as a friend, I got to tell you,

they're onto you,

you and the little girl.

I heard that reporter and Belindy talking...

I don't know what you mean.

(CHUCKLES)

Your lips never move.

Miss Illinois? Miss Illinois, you're up.

Hey people, where's her music?

You're killing me here. Come on!

Vanessa. Stay in the room from now on.

When the door's open, I can just dive in, like this.

(CRASHING)

Vanessa, what are you doing, goddammit?

-Getting out of the hall. -Well, don't destroy the hotel.

-I'm not. -Well, what do you call this?

-Modern art? -No, it's not. You just stay in the room.

-Why can't I just go out to the hall? -Because you can't.

-Who said? -I do.

Well, who do you think you are, my mother?

(PHONE RINGING)

-Miss Illinois. -Mona, it's Ruby.

Ruby, it's Ruby.

Oh, I'm here too.

Vanessa's here too. Yeah, I brought her with me.

You did?

Yeah. I mean, it's okay. I thought you'd be pleased.

Mona's doing good, real good.

I'm sure she is, sweetie. I miss you. I love you.

I love you too.

Nessie, can you put Mona on the phone?

She wants to talk to you.

-Hi. -Hey.

Mona, I just wanted to wish you luck. Not that you need it.

Hmm.

-I'm proud of you, Mona. -Really?

Yes.

Ruby.

All right, there's people here who need to use the phone, so I have to go.

Listen, do you know a Joyce Parkins? She's a newswoman.

-Why? -Well, she came here to talk to me.

I thought she was doing a story on me,

but she spent the whole time asking questions about you.

Well, what did you say?

I didn't say anything. Just watch out for her.

Listen, they're going to let us watch the show tomorrow night,

so I want to see that Miss American Miss smile.

Okay. You shouldn't have...

All right. I'll call again when I get a chance.

I love you. I love you both.

Okay.

Bye.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great.

I can't believe... I can't believe this.

You know better than that. I want my light directly in front of me.

Come on, get it higher. Move it. Higher.

(CHATTERING)

Yeah, listen, there's a new cue at 127A. It replaces 127.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

ANNOUNCER: Warning 10 minutes to curtain.

Okay, ladies, listen up. Lance DeSalvo, our pageant director,

needs to meet with you all in just a few minutes, okay?

So can we hurry it on up, please?

Oh, right. Miss Illinois?

The director would like to see you before the show.

-Oh, Okay. -Hey Mona, could I ask you a huge favor?

Since nobody's seated in the area reserved for your family

and I have so much family,

and my Bible school teacher, he's coming too, could I use...

No.

Miss Illinois? Please, it's ten minutes to show.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Take it, take it, take it. Thank you. Come on.

Okay. It's show time, folks.

ANNOUNCER: Channel five is proud to bring you the following special broadcast.

Tonight, on EI, a special inside look at Miss American Miss Pageant 2000,

brought to you by Chicago's Joyce Parkins.

There you are. Miss Illinois,

no one seems to be seated in the area reserved for your family.

I have someone.

Vanessa, I need you.

For what?

To um, you know, sit in the section.

Because when they cut to my family box, no one's going to be there

and I don't want Miss Texas' goddamn Bible school teacher to have my seats.

So you know, I don't care what anyone thinks.

Just comb your hair, sit up straight, and come on.

Why should I? I don't want you to win.

Oh, God. Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Well, what do you want? What...

I'll do anything for you. What do you want me to do?

I want you to answer me one question.

Okay.

Why do I look so much like you?

Oh.

You're just lucky, I guess.

Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! I'm seven, I'm not stupid.

Look, Vanessa, I don't know what you're thinking.

We got to go. The pageant's beginning.

Tell me. I want you to tell me!

I can't.

-Answer me! -I can't.

Even if I was who you say I am,

I couldn't... I couldn't do the things...

everything I've worked for. I...

I'd be nothing.

I'd be a big nothing.

And come on, you wouldn't want me anyway.

I just want to know where I belong.

You belong in the family box.

I'm here in Long Beach, California, where in just a few moments,

50 state representatives will be vying for the crown of Miss American Miss,

including a very controversial Miss Illinois.

So please stay tuned for my special expose, the ugly world of beauty.

(STAGE CREW CHATTERING)

(JUDGES CHATTERING)

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome.

I'll be your host tonight for the Miss American Miss Pageant 2000.

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

* I'm every woman, it's all in me *

Miss Illinois, you're late! Ready? Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

* I'm every woman, it's all in me

* I can read your thoughts right now Every woman has to say *

(VOCALIZING)

* I can cast a spell with secrets you can't tell

* Mix a special brew Put fire inside of you. *

Oh, I did the best I could, Joyce, which in most cases I must say was...

Well, how do I put this? Plenty.

* I'm every woman I'm every woman

* I'm every woman I'm every woman

* I'm every woman I'm every woman

* I'm every woman I'm every woman

* That's me

* Me!

Oh Joyce, Joyce, to have to be constantly less than what you really are.

-When I was younger... -I'm sorry, Miss Chickle,

I'm going to have to interrupt. Thank you so much.

But I am being told that they are making the announcement for the top ten finalists,

so let's go inside.

Our next contestant, Miss Alabama.

(SCREAMING)

As you can see, we've got a very excited Miss Alabama.

All right, number eight,

Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

Oh!

Finalist number nine,

Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

And contestant number ten,

Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

And there you have your top 10 finalists.

One of these beautiful young women will become our new Miss American Miss.

And now it's my pleasure to introduce the bathing suit competition.

Miss Alabama.

Miss Florida.

Now listen closely, everyone. It's time now to announce our final five.

Best of luck, ladies.

Now in random order, our final five are

Miss Tennessee,

Miss Alabama,

Miss Hawaii,

Miss Texas,

and Miss Illinois.

Yay!

Yes, yes!

(WHOOPING)

And there they are, ladies and gentlemen, our top five finalists.

Now once she becomes our new Miss American Miss,

one of these beautiful young women will say goodbye to her family, her friends,

and for one solid year she'll travel the globe,

speaking out on the issues of the day, spreading goodwill,

and let's face it, ladies and gentlemen, just reminding everyone

of what truly beautiful really is. Don't you think so?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Now let's see how talented they are.

(PLAYING CLASSICAL PIECE)

As we listen to the talented Miss Hawaii on the piano,

I ask myself, "What makes a woman beautiful?

"And how far will some go to be called The Most Beautiful?"

(PLAYING FAST COUNTRY PIECE)

(UP TEMPO DANCE PLAYING)

MAN: Miss Illinois, this way, please.

* He is the very model of a modern major-general

* I've information vegetable, animal and mineral

* He knows the kings of England and he quotes the fights historical

* From Marathon to Waterloo, in orders categorical

* He's very well acquainted too with matters mathematical

* I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical

* About binomial theorem he is teeming with a lot of news.

* With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

* He's very good at integral and differential calculus

* I know the scientific names of beings animalculous

* In short, in matters vegetable,

* Animal, and mineral

* He is the very model of a

* Modern major-general

* Tonight, you're mine

* Completely.

* You give your love

* So sweetly.

* Tonight,

* The light

* Of love is in your eyes.

* But will you love me

* Tomorrow?

* Tonight,

* With words unspoken,

* You'll say I'm the only one.

* But will my heart

* Be broken when

* The night

* Meets the morning sun?

* Oh, yeah

* I need to know

* That your love

* Your love, your love, your love, your love

* Is a love I can

* Be sure of

* So tell

* Me now

* And I won't ask again,

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow?

(VOCALIZING)

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow?

* Will you, will you, will you, will you,

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING LOUDLY)

ANNOUNCER: Time to narrow it down to our final three contestants.

And here they are, in no particular order.

Finalist number one, Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

Finalist number two, Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

Thank you!

Third and final contestant, Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

Which one of these beautiful women will become our new Miss American Miss?

It's your call, America. That's right. Let your voice be heard.

So while they're changing into their evening gowns,

please write down the number at the bottom of your screen.

This year's Miss American Miss should represent you,

so speak up, America.

And here they are in evening gown.

Miss Tennessee.

Miss Illinois.

I have the final piece of information

to disqualify Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois...

-ANNOUNCER: Miss Texas. -Right here.

ANNOUNCER: And there you have our contestants in evening gown.

Next, we're going to roll out our soundproof booth

and we'll begin our final round of competition questions.

And we'll start with Miss Texas.

I'd also like to tell you that the construction of this booth

renders it absolutely soundproof.

I doubt if they could hear a bomb go off once inside.

All right.

(CHATTING INAUDIBLY)

Have you ever been to Appalachia?

No.

I want out and there's only one crown.

Look at us.

Two white trash girls trying to crack the code.

(DOOR OPENS)

Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

Well, tell me it's all true.

Tell me that you grew up with foster brothers and sisters,

and that you risked your life to save one of them.

Tell me you love aerobics and rollercoasters.

'Cause if it's true, then you deserve to win.

What difference does it make?

Well, I don't know if I want to be a pretend role model to thousands of little girls...

Or a real role model to one.

(DOOR OPENS)

ANNOUNCER: And now Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

Here we go.

What quality do you most like about yourself and why?

That's an easy one.

Mona, it's your sincerity.

Come on, come on.

Could you repeat the question?

What quality do you most like about yourself and why?

I don't like myself.

(CROWD MURMURING)

What are you...

But I'm going to.

Vanessa, you're my little girl.

My...

Come on.

You belong with me. We're going home.

I don't think that was the right answer.

Mmm. Hang on.

-What is she doing? -How would I know?

She can't do that.

All right, what do you want to do, go to commercial?

No, no, no. Keep going, keep going. Be funny.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's kind of what makes live television so interesting.

And, uh...

We actually had a chance and then she goes nuts.

Shut up, Lurdy.

ANNOUNCER: But I do remember...

Wait a minute, what just happened?

Miss Illinois just made a statement

that women with children should be allowed to be Miss American Miss.

ANNOUNCER: And I mean, he talked to everybody

who would talk back to him for 12 minutes onstage.

The following year, this poor sucker went over there again

and the same thing happened, only this time...

Hey, no one can come in and out until after the show.

No, they need you onstage now.

Didn't you hear? I'm ineligible. This is my daughter and I want to go.

Please.

(ANNOUNCER CHATTING)

We are live on TV.

Please just... please? Please?

Please, please just go. Please.

Cut it. Thank you. What's going on?

Just let me go in for a sec.

What's going on in here?

ANNOUNCER: ...contestant before , but I do remember...

If she just did what I think she did,

she's fucking brilliant.

-You go, Mona Hibbard! -(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

-Right on. -I'm going to call.

-What's that number? -Where's my phone?

No finalist has ever sacrificed the crown

in order to make a statement about the realistic psychological

and socio-economic conditions of today's American women.

-But she can't win! -(TELEPHONES RINGING)

Mothers and legal guardians are ineligible.

We're too proud.

We evolve with the times.

What's happening?

I don't get it. What happened?

She's making a statement about the difficulties women face

(SNIFFS) maintaining high self-esteem in a patriarchal society.

ANNOUNCER: So something's up. Let's find out.

They've scored her. The judges have scored her. Go on with the show.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please?

Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois, has given her answer

and she has been judged by our panel.

So let's now bring our other two finalists out of the booth,

and we'll continue on our countdown to find out who will be

Miss American Miss 2000.

Our judges have tabulated their scores, along with your telephone call-in votes.

Touche.

So here we go. Our second runner-up,

Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Mona! Mona! Mona! Mona!

You cracked the code. You found the new frontier.

First runner-up Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

WANDA: Congratulations!

That means Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois, is our new Miss American Miss.

You won, you won!

(CHEERING)

She won, she won!

Wow.

Congratulations.

She's ineligible.

Wait, you guys know that I was going to break this story.

I had it first. You guys all know this.

Tom Brokaw, if you're out there watching, you know that...

Wait a second. I didn't say cut.

I didn't say cut. Back it up. I'm not through.

Yes, you are.

No, no, no, no, no. Back it up. Come back here.

Ruby's watching.

BOTH: Hi, Ruby!

Hi.

We did it! We did it!

We did, we did it!

Vanessa, Mona, we did it!

(LAUGHING)

We did it.

* With you right here beside me *

MONA: Whoo hoo! She's free, she's free, she's free!

Oh, my god.

I missed you!

(CHATTERING)

* Like a perfect stroke of genius

* I might have noticed right beneath my very nose

* As I was thrashing through the thorns, I stumbled on the rose

* Oh if every angel near and far

* Knew how beautiful you really are

* Then heaven might go right to sleep

* Its work complete

* I do believe you can carry

* Twice the weight of every suffering fool

* And either wisdom that you share

* We wouldn't have these tears to stroll through

* I might have noticed I'd forgotten what I'd set out to win

* And where I wanted to arrive is where you've always been

* Oh if every angel near and far

* Knew how beautiful you really are

* Then heaven might go right to sleep

* Its work complete

* For every prize on earth I might've won

* I'd trade them all away for just this one

* Just the sight

* Of heaven getting it right

* Oh if every angel near and far

* Knew how beautiful you really are

* Then heaven might go right to sleep

* Its work complete