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NARRATOR: Judgment Day.
For the 15
American beauty finalists

seeking the coveted
National Beauty title,
it's the long-awaited moment.

We'd say they all
look like prize-winners.

Picked from entries
representing practically every
state of the union,

they're the cream of the crop.

And of course,
a good deal of this
win goes to my mother.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

* The most
beautiful girl in the world

* Picks my ties out,
eats my candy,
drinks my brandy

* The most
beautiful girl in the world

* The most
beautiful star in the world,

* Isn't Garbo, isn't Dietrich,
but the sweet trick

* Who can make me believe
it's a beautiful world

* Social? Not a bit!

* Natural kind of wit

* She'd shine anywhere

* And she hasn't
got platinum hair *

The most beautiful
house in the world

* Has a mortgage,
what do I care?
It's "Good-bye, care"

* When my slippers are next
to the ones that belong

* To the one and only

* The one and only

* The one and only
beautiful girl in the world *

(DENTIST'S DRILL WHIRRING)

How long till
they're straight?

You'll have beautiful teeth
by your 16th birthday.

Just in time for junior miss.

So how are you going to be
paying for this?

Cash, monthly.

Ten, thirty, fifty...

(HORN HONKING)

Where you been?

Out.

Answer your mother.

Out.

Don't you be a smart-ass.

Lurdy,
she's my kid, not yours.

Well as long as she's
living under my roof,
she ain't gonna

-talk to me that way.
-Your roof?
You ain't got a roof.

This is my roof.

Where are you going?

To work.

Well, you want some pizza?

That's my pizza.

(ADULTS ARGUING)

So do you want some pizza?

Knock first.

Oh Mona, don't aggravate me.
I've got a headache.

When the "do not
enter" sign is up,
you knock first.

Mona, do you want
something to eat or not?

I want you to knock first.

Can I come in?

No!

Hi, my name is Ramona...

Okay.

Hello,
my name is Ramona Hibbard,
but my... uhh.

(EXHALES)

Hello,
my name is Ramona Hibbard,
but my friends call me Mona.

I'm the owner of MND,

Mona's
Neighborhood Deliveries.

I have a variety
of household items
that you may need,

but don't have enough time
to go all the way to
the store to buy.

In laundry detergent,
I can offer you Fab or Tide.

Here's my card.

Here's my card.

Here's my card.

You want a 5% discount now?

No, Gerald over at
Piggly Wiggly told me he'd
give me a 5% discount.

It's 10 to you.

I can't do that.

(SCOFFS) Nice doing
business with you.

Hold on, wait a minute.

All right, there you are.

There you go.

Thanks.

Why, how generous,

and completely unexpected.

Thank you, ma'am.
I'll see you soon.

And the winner of the
Little Miss Scarlet
Fashion Model Contest,

12 to 14 age division, is...

Autumn Middleborough.

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

And that concludes
the fourth annual

Verna Chickles
Little Miss Scarlet
Fashion Model Contest.

I want to thank you
all for coming today,

and thank you for
being so beautiful.

(CHUCKLES)

Where have you been?

I was feeling a little sick,
so I went and
got myself a drink.

Come on, let's go.

Look what I won, mama.
Look what I won.

You won?

Ahh!

Participant?

You didn't win.

You bought this with whatever
you paid to get in this thing.

What did you pay?

$135 registration fee.

$135 for that?

Come on, get your bags.
Let's go, come on.

(SIGHS)

Don't ask me to drive
you to anymore
of these things.

I'll pay for the gas.

I don't need you
to pay for my gas.

Well, I don't need you either.

I... I can ride my bike.

Mona!

You're aggravating me
and I've got a headache.

Now let's get out of here.

Hurry up.

Go on, go on.

(SHUSHING)

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLES)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

LURDY: Wait!

(LURDY GROANING)

Wait! Wait!

All right, listen to me.

If he tries that
bullshit again,
I'll kill him

and I'll you turn you
in for not protecting me

and I'll go live
with a foster family
while you rot in jail.

Got that?

Nedra, don't believe the brat.

I went into the wrong room.
I was looking
for the bathroom.

She's a lying brat.

ANNOUNCER:
Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois,

is your new
Miss American Miss!

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Mona! Mona! Mona!

(VERNA CHUCKLING)

Mona,
honey, I don't know why you
haven't won any pageants.

It's not just
that I haven't won
after 18 pageants,

I haven't even made
it into the top 20.

It's the wardrobe, isn't it?

I'm going to tell
you a little secret.

I have started
a modeling academy for the
most promising young ladies.

A little basic
training and you will be
winning pageants in no time.

How would you
like to pay for that?

Um, cash, monthly.

And It's Hibbid?
Hibbard.

Mona.
Mona, yes.

Of course.

Elbow,
elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Elbow,
elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Elbow,
elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Very good, very good.
All right, all right.

Now ladies, let's move on.

Today, I'd like
to introduce you

to the step-pivot-turn-around
hand snap.

All right?
Now watch me very carefully.

All right.
Now one little step,

eye contact, eye contact,

turn your body slowly.
At the last moment, snap!

Now remember that, ladies?
All right, your turn.

Now one little step forward,

keeping your eyes
on your audience.

Turn your body slowly,
very good eye contact Tia.

All right, now then, snap!

Oh, very good!
All right,
let's try it moving.

If your eyes are not on them,
their eyes will not be on you.

Move over, Scumona.

-Oh, sorry.
-Ouch! Ow!

Sweet Jesus.

(TEACHER CHATTERING)

(BELL RINGING)

Whoa!

Want to sit next
to your girlfriend
and get cooties.

You can sit by your
girlfriend, Dickie.

(ALL TEASING)

-(GROANING)
-Ahh! It's cold!

Damn. You guys made me
spill my lemonade.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Jason, Eric, Richard?
You've got clean-up.
Get over here.

(BOYS COMPLAINING)

TEACHER:
I don't want to hear it.
I've heard it before.

Go inside now. Don't argue.
Go, go, go.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

I hate lunch.

Me too.

-I'm in your home-ec class.
I'm Mona.
-Ruby.

Where did you
learn to sew so good?

My grandma.

I don't have
lemonade to give you,
but do you want my orange?

I'm on a diet.

Well, whatever
I've got, it's yours.

And the winner of the
Most Unique Pageant Outfit,

-12 to 14 division,
Mona Hibbard.
-(SQUEALS)

Yeah!

Grandma!

Grandma, we won, grandma!

(GRANDMA CHUCKLING)

Hello, sweetheart.

-I can't believe that we won!
-Did you now?

Yeah! I'll take your bag.

-Come on in.
-Hello, Mrs. Stillwell.

See, I'm just as
pretty and talented
as the girls who win.

-The problem is my outfits.
-Well, so you won?

Isn't that nice?

The title, no.

-My outfit won, grandma!
-Oh!

Yes, but I was wearing it.

Well isn't that nice?

I can pay you
$25 for each dress.

Oh, my, look at you.

I can also get you
certain supermarket
clearance items.

You just worry about
paying for the fabric.

How come you're
being so nice to me?

You hardly know me.

Must be your looks.

It's hard to say no to someone
as beautiful as you.

You go wash up for dinner.

Okay,
how much time do we have?

The show starts in 20 minutes.

But I wish we could watch it
at my place.

Yeah, but you
don't have a TV.

-I know.
-Oh, come on, it will be fine.

-Where do we stop next?
-The Millers.

Then the Stewarts,
then the Petsen-Cofflers.

-They're just two
seconds from my house.
-Just two seconds.

All right.

The Miss American Miss contest
is not going to
start without me.

(BOTH WHOOPING)

Come on, Ruby.

Come on.

Mona?

Come on, it's okay.

All I'm saying is you've got
to get out of that
chair and find a job.

I'm working on
this here motor.

-What smells?
-What doesn't? Come on.

NEDRA: You've been working
on that thing for two years!

LURDY: And I'd be done
if you'd stay off my ass!

Get the money box.

Hold on, wait.

-Wow, Mona, you've got a lot.
-Yeah, I know.

I'm going to need it.

Okay. I've got the booklet,
I've got the clippings.

Come on, let's go.

Hurry up. What are you doing?
We're going to
miss the opening part.

Okay, let's go.

ANNOUNCER: And here they are,
the beautiful 1986

Miss American Miss
contestants.

NEDRA: Where are
my cigarettes?

Wow, they just keep getting
prettier and prettier.

-Here, I made this for us.
-Thanks!

Where are my damn smokes?
I just bought
a pack of smokes.

Lurdy!

I cannot watch
this beauty crap.

Nedra, I do not know
where your damn
cigarettes are.

(ADULTS ARGUING)

ANNOUNCER:
From the state of Texas,
we have Pam Seal.

You wouldn't know it,
but this blonde
beauty is a rough rider.

She can tame a wild beast
and she can treat them.

She's studying to be a vet at
Lubbock State.

From New Mexico,
Lucy Ann Miranda.

Lucy's hobbies are aerobics
and spelunking,

but she gets her greatest
rewards from working with
the terminally ill.

LURDY:
Would you turn that down?

(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)

ANNOUNCER: Runner-up is
Miss North Carolina,
Sheryl Ann Tinan.

Our first runner-up is...

Miss Nevada is
first runner-up.
Miss Texas has got it.

ANNOUNCER: Michelle Willis!

This makes our 1992
Miss American Miss,

Miss Texas, Mindy Joe Gilbert.

MONA: It's always Miss Texas.

(ANNOUNCER
CONTINUES CHATTERING)

Stand up.

(SIGHS)

You know,
that's the second year
in a row a dancer's won.

Uh-huh. You know it's
statistically proven.

Singing and
dancing and having a
platform to do with children

and getting choked up
during the interview.

It's the only way to go.

(SCOFFS)

-What?
-May I, please?

-Mona, what are you doing?
-You need a new look.

-What do you mean a new look?
-Just I'm...

-I like my hair.
-Come on,
Laura Ingalls, it's so over.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

So what do you think?

I think you need to
learn to dance and sing.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(GIRL SINGING SCALES)

DANCE INSTRUCTOR:
...six, seven, inside!

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

And one and two and three,
drop, four,

over, five, six, seven, eight.

JOEY:
Hey baby, come on over here.

You can invite Martin in.
He doesn't have
to wait outside.

That's not Martin.
That's Joey.

What happened to Martin?

He got on my nerves.

They sure come and go quickly.

Come on, hurry.
Let's fit this so
Joey can drive me home.

(RETCHING)

Mona, are you all right?

No.

Must be nerves.

Yeah, must be.
You got everything?

Yeah, we got interview,
evening, bathing suit,
and your outfit for talent.

(RETCHING)

Do you want some
crackers for the bus?

(BLEATING)

Animals love me.

Jo-Jo,
I thought you were doing an
interpretive jazz routine

to Yankee Doodle Dandy.

No.

Bicycle Built For Two
while I'm
twirling my fire baton.

But I'm twirling
a fire baton while I do
an interpretive jazz routine

to Bicycle Built For Two.
You knew that!

I told you that
at registration.

What a shame.

Thank goodness
I'm going first.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
our first contestant

in the Miss Naperville
County Beauty Pageant,

Jo-Jo Oberschmidt.

Good, good, good luck to you.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

(BICYCLE BUILT
FOR T PLAYING)

(GASPING)

(CHUCKLING)
I like this one.

(CROWD GASPING)

(MOANING)

(SOBBING)

I'm so glad I
could be here to help,
you know?

This could have been
an absolute tragedy.

It could.

-Oh, Jo-Jo. Oh, my goodness.
-It's fine, honey.

This is an outrage. Oh!

Do you remember
Alexandra Valenti?

When she tripped up
Princess Somahoni,
nobody said anything.

And her nose has
never been the same since.

She works in Rite Aid now.

The one on Pat Street?

I mean,
this is the fourth scandal
I've been involved in.

-Give me a handle.
-Oh!

They never proved anything.

Mona,
everything will be all right.

No, it won't. I can't compete
in the county anymore.

All right, so we'll think
of something. We'll move to
a different county, all right?

-It's going to be fine.
-Even if we move, I can't.

-Yes, you can.
We'll figure it out.
-No, we won't.

-Yes, we will.
-Ruby, I'm pregnant.

You should have a flaming
act too. That would do it,
dear. (LAUGHS)

It's not going to be fine.

Rule number five in the
handbook, "mothers and legal
guardians are ineligible."

You know, I needed to win
tonight. I needed the money.
I needed it.

Now I don't know
what the hell I'm going to do.

I always loved the circus.
Didn't you, Mona?

Yes, Mrs. Stillwell.
I think I'll join it.

-Now you stop this, Mona.
-It's over.

No, you listen to me.

I will figure it out.

We've made it through a lot
of stuff, and we'll make
it through this.

(SNIFFLING)

Okay?

(LAUGHS)

Do you remember
when Verna Chickle

accused you of
cutting the rear end
out of Kelly Macon's swimsuit

in the Miss
Tiny Little Darling
Princess Pageant?

You thought your
career was over then,

and it wasn't.

So we're going to make it
through this, okay?

Now let me see that smile.

Let me see it.

(SIGHS)

Nope, that's not
the one I want to see.

(MONA SOBS)

I want to see that
Miss American Miss smile.

(SNIFFLING)

There it is.

That's it.
That's the one I
was looking for.

GIRL: Mother. Mother.

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Mother!

Mom? I've got to go now.

Wait a second, sweetie.
Your Aunt Mona's up there.
See?

Yeah,
I see, but I still gotta pee.

ANNOUNCER: ...will represent
the great state of Illinois

at the Miss
American Miss Pageant
later this year, is...

(DRUM ROLL PLAYING)

-Miss Paige County,
Mona Hibbard!
-(SCREAMS)

She did it! She won!

Oh! Ow!

I'm sorry, did I poke you?

Look, sweetie,
she's being
crowned Miss Illinois!

Well, congratulations Mona.
What a surprise, huh?

How many judges did you
do to win this pageant?

Everyone except your daddy.
His dick was too small.

ANNOUNCER: Isn't she lovely,
ladies and gentlemen?

26-year-old Miss Paige County,
Mona Hibbard!

(LAUGHING)

Would you stop?
If you carry on doing that,

your face is going to get
stuck like that, you know?

Vanessa, sweetheart,
eat your dinner.

Here, look,
put the crown on her head.

Come on, every little girl
wants to be a beauty queen.

Not me. I want to be
a professional soccer player.

Get this thing off me.

-No, make her put it on.
-Leave it on, Vanessa.

Come on, it's like mine.

Vanessa, it's sweet.
Let me see.
Just look at me.

It's cute.

You know what? I bet Grandma's
smiling down from
heaven right now.

Oh yeah, I wish she
could have been here.

I know.

So my mom never showed,
did she?

I didn't see her.

Nah. Ah, no one gives a shit
about the state thing,
but it counts in the big one.

You know when they cut
to the contestant's family

in that little box
on the side of the screen?

I mean, she's got to be there.

Mother's got to
get in a little box?

No, Vanessa, 99.9%
of all Miss American Misses

have had their parents
in the audience except
Brianna Dombercount, 1997.

Remember that?
She was like an orphan?

So the interview
went really well.

-Did it?
-Yeah, they
especially liked the part

-where I got choked up...
-Mom!

And said that good
parenting begins at
home and you know...

What is your problem?

Aren't you ever going to
take that stuff off?

I mean,
everyone's staring at you.

Yeah, because I'm pretty.

Vanessa,
if people were to see me
without my crown and sash,

it would be really
upsetting for them.

-Now give me one
of those fries.
-VANESSA: Hey, that's mine!

-Mona,
you're going to get fat.
-I am not.

-Uh-huh.
-Am not.

-Mona, don't tease her.
-Anyway,
this is my last French fry

until after the big contest,
which is exactly two months
and nine days from now.

Excuse me.
Are you Miss Illinois?

Why, yes I am.

Could my little girl have
your autograph, please?

Sure. First one.

Is this your daughter?

No, no, she's the...

You can't...
You can't be Miss Illinois
and have a child.

Oh, of course.
Well, she looks just like you.

-No, I don't.
-No, she doesn't.

It's ridiculous. She's mine.

Amanda wants to be
Miss American Miss
when she grows up.

Oh. Well...

Get her teeth fixed and the
mole removed, and then,
you know, you never know.

And remember, Amanda,
it's what's
inside that counts.

Okay.

Okay, let's go.

WOMAN: Thank you.
There you go.
Okay, my pleasure.

(VANESSA HUMMING)

Ruby, make her stop.
She's doing it again.

-Stop it.
-Vanessa, stop. Cut it out.

I don't walk like that.

-VANESSA: Mmm-hmm.
-I do not.

-VANESSA: Mmm-hmm.
-I do not.

VANESSA: You do too!

Rise and shine, Illinois.
I'm sitting here
with Mona Hibbard,

who was crowned
Miss Illinois last Saturday.

Welcome,
Mona, and congratulations.

Thank you, Joyce.
It's nice to be here.

Oh my, it looked like you were
having so much fun.

Oh, I was, Joyce.

Me and the gals,
we were just like sisters.

-Had a ball.
-Oh, I bet you did.

Mona, many people feel
that pageants are
antiquated rituals

that perpetuate sexist
perceptions of women.

What's your response?

Well... I, um...

I would have to say that it's
America's largest scholarship
program for women.

So you don't think
pageants exploit women?

No, uh-uh, mm-mm, no. No.

-But...
-And I mean,

it's not as bad as the kind
of exploitation they
make you do, right?

-(SCOFFS)
-Come on,

it must be so hard having your
face plastered on
buses and billboards,

you know,
just to increase viewership
and advertisers' dollars.

No, yes.
Yes, that's very true.

But thank goodness I don't get
judged while parading around
in a bathing suit and heels.

Yes, thank goodness.

Mona, as beautiful as you are,

-and oh my goodness,
yes, yes you are...
-Thank you.

Controversy surrounds you.

I understand that
you were accused

of viciously sabotaging
many innocent girls,

a behavior that
went on for years.

-It's not true.
-It's not?

No.

According to this,

Candy Bartholomew
had a nervous breakdown

after you stuffed a sock
down her saxophone.

Misty Waters had to
go into psychotherapy

after you smeared
Vaseline on her toe shoes.

And a lovely young girl,
Jo-Jo Oberschmidt's
right hand was scarred.

(TEARFULLY) Excuse me.

(SIGHS)

I'd have preferred

to use this opportunity
to discuss my platform,

(SNIFFING)

empowering America's youth
for a brighter tomorrow.

Which I feel very,
very strongly about

instead of responding to
this mean-spirited...

Thank you so much.

We'll be right back with tips
on how to look young
in your 20s and 30s

and all the way into your 40s.

Don't go away.

MAN: You're clear.
We've got 30
seconds till we're back.

Ow! Ow!

Excuse me.

Oscar?

Oscar?

Are you in here?

Where is he?

You see, I told you, no Oscar.

Oh.

He'll be here.
He's coming for me.

He won't forget.

Mrs. Walters,
if you just tell
me who Oscar is,

then maybe I could give him a
call.

How about your son?
What's his name?

Bob.

Not Oscar?
Not Oscar.

Well, I could call
Bob and tell him to
come and visit his mother.

Forget about Bob.

He's my friend.

My son, his name is Bob.

Forget about him.

Oscar?

Oscar?

Where were you?

At a convention
in Schramsberg.

Now I believe I have asked you
to stay off my dance floor,

and this is not a toy.
It is a mic stand.

You were supposed to take me
to my soccer game.

Well, I got tied up. I was
signing autographs and
posing for pictures, you know?

I'll take you to
your next practice.

-It was a game, not practice.
-Well, sorry.

My mom never
forgets to take me
to my soccer games.

I did not forget.

Vanessa, these roach
and small rodent fumigators?

They came from all
over the country.

Now I could not let them down.

Miss Illinois.

What's this?

It's 6:15.
I want to pick my
mom up from work.

Why are they
sending me a camera?

Dear Contestant for
the 2000 Miss American
Miss Pageant, da da da da da.

-This year, we would
like each contestant...
-Did you hear me?

To take photographs
of a day in your life.

Mona,
I want to pick my mother up
from work.

What kind of a girl are you?
What is your family like?

Oh my god, no.

I want to go pick
up Ruby right now.

Come on,
we've got to go right now.
Now, now, now, now.

I just said that.

-Hey mom.
-RUBY:
What are you two doing here?

Why aren't you at
your soccer game?

No, no Clara,
just wait until we get
into your room, okay?

Ruby, wait.
Look. Vanessa, show her.

The pageant sent me a camera.

They want me to start
taking pictures of, like,
family outings,

you know,
day in the life stuff.

I mean,
I thought we could get some
like candid, fuzzy like,

I don't know,
family-style pictures
with the old people here.

What do you think?
They want human
interest stuff.

What is human interest?
I don't get it.

-It's stuff that
humans find interesting.
-Like what?

Like people.
Take pictures of people.

What if there
aren't that many people
that you're interested in?

RUBY:
Can you take the wheelchair
and put it in the hallway?

Sure. People,
people I find interesting.
Who do I find interesting?

John Tesh, Vanessa Williams.

You know,
I can't take their picture.

Up and over.

-My goodness.
-Oh, you've got your hands.

-Are there anybody...
is there anybody...
-Hurry, dear.

I'm hurrying.

Mona, can you go to
that cabinet and get...

There's a white lace robe
in the back of that closet.
Will you get it?

Oh. Yeah.

Eww. There's a smell in here.

RUBY: There you go.
Into bed you go.

I don't feel well.

I've got to get
Clara's medicines.
You two behave yourselves.

Okay,
Vanessa, get the camera out.

Hi. I'm just
going to arrange this
so it's pretty.

All right.
Mind if I brush your hair?

Okay. All right,
just take the picture.

-How do I do it?
-I don't know,
just figure it out.

Come on,
just take the picture. Ready?

-(SHUTTER CLICKING)
-MONA: That's great.

Oh,
ha ha ha, take the picture.

All right,
you two, that's enough.
Go wait for me outside.

Okay.

I'll just be
a few more minutes
here with Clara.

The car's right out front.
Okay, sweetie.

All right, Clara, let's take
your pill and you'll get a
good night's sleep tonight.

Thank you.

Mom. Mona's making
me take pictures of
her with the other old people.

Just tell her to stop
and go get in the car.

Okay, see you out there.

-Where is it dear?
-It's in the cup.

No, it's not there.

Huh,
I thought it was in there.
All right.

Ruby, dear, would it be wrong
if I asked you
for two tonight?

I have such
a hard time sleeping,

and tomorrow's going to
be such a busy day.

All right, but just this once.

Here, drink up. I need to see
you swallow them down,
and then I have to run off.

That's good.
Drink, drink, drink.

That's good,
Clara, that's good.

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Oh, no, dear.
No, Oscar's coming to get me.

He looked so
handsome in his uniform.

He said he would
be back for me.

(GIGGLING)

Good night, Clara.

Goodbye, Ruby dear.

* You'll say

* I'm the only one

Two, three, four.

I can't concentrate
with all the noise.

(GIGGLING)

Sorry.

VANESSA: No.

RUBY: What did I have to do
to convince you?

Just do it.

VANESSA: I have to practice.
I don't have time.

Vanessa, come on. Just do it.

I don't want to.

It'll be fun.

Just take a bunch
of pictures of her
wherever she goes.

That's easy, right?

No.

-Don't you want Mona to win?
-No.

Missy, you don't mean that.

Will you rub my back?

If she wins,
she'll be gone
for a year, right?

Yep, she'd be gone
for almost a whole year.

Okay, I'll do it.

Thank you. You're sweet.

You're very sweet.
You're made of sugar.

You're like a big
rock candy mountain.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Stop it, would you?

Just trying to help.

No, no, no. Not now. Not now.

I'll tell you when.

You know any
handicapped people?

Only you.

Ugh. Forget it.

What are you so upset about?

I've got six weeks to try and
top a marrow transplant to
a dying foster sister.

-How about orphans?
-Do you know any?

No.

Know who Oprah is?

Love Oprah.
She's thin right now, right?

How the heck should I know?

So listen to this. She said
that if a little baby never
gets hugged or kissed,

when it grows up,
it doesn't know how to love.

Then if anyone tries to
touch it, it cries and gets
all stiff and rigid.

-Oh my gosh. Are you okay?
-Oh my god, oh my god.

Ohh! (LAUGHING)

Get the camera out.
Get the camera out now.

Okay, let me talk to her,
let me talk to her.

Okay, I'm Mona Hibbard,
Miss Illinois.

-Okay, what's your name?
-Theresa.

Okay, Theresa.
Everything's going to be fine.

Nobody panic.
I'm Miss Illinois, I have
everything under control.

(THERESA MOANING)

All right.
Theresa, I'm going to get you
safely to a hospital, okay?

-Can you hang in there?
-Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, my God.

(THERESA SCREAMING)

* Did you...
Oh, what's the song?

* It must have been cold there
in my shadow

* To never have
sunlight on your face

* You were
content to let me shine

* That's your way

* You always
walked a step behind *

(THERESA SCREAMING)

* Did you ever know
that you're my hero

* And everything I
would like to be... *

(HORN BLARING)

Where are you taking me!

(THERESA SCREAMING)

* Must have been...
Keep shooting!

* Cold there in my shadow

I'm holding for Lance DeSalvo,
the National Pageant Director.

It's Mona Hibbard,
Miss Illinois.

Yeah. I was just wondering
if you received
the press clipping I sent him.

Yeah,
I just wanted to know if,

you know,
he wanted to use the shot
for next month's newsletter

because I think it
is a lot more upbeat
than Miss Texas in a coma.

Uh-huh, so can you...
No, I'm... oh!

(TONE DRONING)

(VANESSA CHATTERING)

Well, I don't know about you,
but I think my platform,

Empowering America's Youth
for a Brighter Tomorrow,
is so excellent

because there are so
many things you can...

VANESSA: Goal!

You know what? I'm going to
throw that ball
out the window.

I'm practicing.

Well,
don't do it in the house.

Come in here, help me.

(DIALING)

LURDY: Hello?

-Hello, Lurdy?
-Yeah.

-Is my mother there?
-Who is it?

-It's Mona.
-No, she isn't.

Why is it whenever I call,
she's not there?

Hello?

Well, can you just tell her
that I need her to come with
me to Long Beach, California?

California?

-In a month.
-What for?

-For the contest.
-What's she gonna do?

Because I need her to be in
the little box in the
right-hand side of the screen.

I don't watch those things.

Okay?

Well, no, I mean...
can you tell her?

-Yes, I'll tell her.
-Okay.

-(LINE DISCONNECTS)
-You there? Oh...

But Miss Hibbard,
I'm wondering
about the promise you made.

The promise?

-Yeah, the promise
you made on camera.
-(BABY WAILING)

Allow me to
refresh your memory,

"A vote for me is a vote
for the end of
the objectification of women."

At the pageant in three weeks,

how will you make known
your opposition

to the sexist tyranny
of traditional pageants?

I... You know,
you'll just have to tune in
and find out, won't you?

-Yes, we will. Cut.
-Okay.

Uh, who belongs to this?

(WAILING)

(CHATTERING)

He's a sweet, sweet child.

Ah, Mr. Hendricks?

-Beautiful.
-Um, perhaps...

(BELCHES)

Pardon me.

Excuse me, miss?

Yes?

Table for two, please.

I'm not a hostess.
I'm Miss Illinois.

What'd she say?

She asked if we wanted
smoking or non-smoking.

Oh, smoking.

Hmm.

Fine. Right this way.

Come on, come on, come on.

-It's good exercise, Mr.
Bryant.
-(GROANS)

MAN: Come in, please.

Oh excuse me, Mr. Willoughby.
I didn't know you were busy.

I thought you
wanted to see me.

Yes, I do, Ruby.

Come in.

REPORTER ON TV: At the
pageant in three weeks,
how will you make known

your opposition to
the sexist tyranny
of traditional pageants?

MONA ON TV: Well, I. ..

Could you please
just turn that off?

-...find out.
-Yeah...

(DOOR CLOSING)

Thank you.

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, momma!

Hey, baby.

-Did you do your homework?
-Ruby,

can you get me into the
cancer ward of your hospital?

There is no cancer
ward at my hospital.

Well, you know, any hospital.

-Mona, can you sit down?
-Sure.

-(DOOR BELL RINGS)
-I'll get it!

-Now I don't want
crippled people.
-Vanessa!

I have old people.

So it'd definitely have to be
bald kids. I mean,
they'd have bald kids, right?

Mona,
please listen to me, okay?

I need to talk to you.

What?

Ruby,
whatever Vanessa told you,
I didn't do anything.

No. Today at the hospital...

VANESSA: Mom,
there's someone
that wants to see you.

-MAN: Thank you
very much, young lady.
-Oh, God.

-What?
-I need to talk
to your mother.

-Ruby, what do you...
-Excuse me, Miss Stillwell.

Lieutenant Bloomfield.
We met this afternoon.

Right.

I'm very sorry,
but we're going
to have to take you in.

What? What do you mean,
take her in?

-But I didn't do it.
-You do have a right
to call on an attorney.

What's going on?

I don't know where she
got the pills. Honest,
I didn't give them to her.

It's a good idea
if you don't say
anything right now.

Wait,
wait, wait, what's going on?

BLOOMFIELD: Do you
understand your rights?

-Yes.
-Ruby,
Ruby, Ruby, what is going on?

Clara Walters died.

Well, so what?
She was, like, 500 years old.

Yeah, but she died
of a drug overdose
and they think I did it.

What?
Where are you taking her?

BLOOMFIELD:
To the police station.

You two look after each other
until I come back, okay?

I'm not staying with her.

Vanessa,
you have to be a big girl,
okay, because Mona needs you.

No, no, I don't need her.
I need you.

Don't worry, okay?
Everything's
going to be all right.

-Don't worry.
-Take her away.

Mom!

What... What are you doing?

Getting a foster family.
I'm not living with you.

Hi, I'm a kid who
needs a foster family.

Okay,
give me the phone, just...

Hi, no, it's my niece.
She's just playing around.

Um, I uh...

Listen,
do you have any kind of
month-to-month plan?

-(DOOR SLAMS)
-Okay, I'm sorry.
I've got to go.

Goodbye.

What's the sign
on the door say?

Don't take that tone with me.

You know my rules.

-Can I come in?
-No!

You're not leaving.

-Yes, I am!
-No, you're not.

Yes I am too!

This is your home
and you're staying put.

And that's final.
In the case now
known as the angel of

* I know some things

* Never change

* But this
can't be one of them

* Are you scared?

* Are you scared?

* Are you scared?

* 'Cause if you're scared

* You're not alone

* I once thought I was brave

* But I can't stop crying

In the case now known as
the Angel of Mercy killing,

nurse Ruby
Stillwell has been named
the prime suspect

for the murder of
an elderly patient
in her care.

Let's go to the camera inside.

Miss Walter was
a very elderly woman...

Your Honor, that is precisely
the point. She was confined
to a wheelchair,

yet the autopsy has revealed
that she died of a massive
overdose of barbiturates,

drugs that she herself
was unable to obtain.

How did she
receive such a massive
mis-medication?

-(DEFENSE ATTORNEY STAMMERING)
-We submit that it
was Miss Stillwell,

her nurse,
who administered the drugs,

either through
negligence or perhaps
a misguided Kevorkian...

Your Honor? This isn't fair.
He never lets me talk.

All right, I've heard enough.

This court sets a trial date
for September 15th,

four and one half
weeks from today.
Bail's set at $150,000.

PROSECUTOR:
Thank you, your Honor.

It's just a minor setback,
all right? Don't worry,
and I'll see you Thursday.

Should we give them the money
and they let you out?

No. It's bail, sweetie.
We don't have
that kind of money.

What are we going to...

Hey, Ruby.

Let me be
the first to report a very
interesting side note.

Ruby Stillwell is the roommate
of Mona Hibbard,

who will be representing our
state in three weeks at the
Miss American Miss Pageant.

Somehow I feel there will be
more to uncover on this story,

and I'll be there
first to report...
Whatever.

This is Joyce Parkins
reporting live from
the county courthouse.

Back to you, Kyle.

(HORNS BLARING)

Come on, you moron.

(HONKING HORN)

Your soccer game?

-Yeah, what about it?
-You know,
I know we're a little late,

-but maybe we
haven't missed it.
-I missed it.

Well, so you'll go the
next game, right? I mean,
the way you practice...

Come on.

I'm really sorry.
I was really busy.
I tried.

You know, I was all the way up
at Budget Town,

so a really,
really long way away, okay?

Come on, I'll make you some
chocolate something.

Your mother finally called.

What did she say?

-Oh, some stuff.
-No, come on, tell me.
What did she say?

-I can't remember.
-Vanessa, tell me.
What did she say?

Is she going to come with me
to Long Beach?

She's not.

-Are you serious?
-Mmm-hmm.

-Get in the car.
-Why? I don't want to.

Get in the car!

I don't want to
get in the car.

I don't care what you
want to do, I'm afraid.
You're getting in the car.

-Where are we going?
-We're going... Uh...

We're going to my house.

(SIGHS) She has to go.
I mean, she has to go.

She has to go.

How come your mom
and dad hate you?

He's not my dad.

I don't know.

Maybe they hate you
because you're mean,
because you forget stuff,

important stuff.

And you never mean it
when you say you're sorry.

Vanessa, I am sorry.

I don't believe you.

(EXHALES)

Okay. We're here.

(KNOCKING)

Nedra, get the damn door.

-Hi.
-Mona?

It's me.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Wow.

Wow, look at you.

Yeah, I was at a convention
in Asher County.

Oh. Yeah.

-Hi.
-Hello.

So...

This is Ruby's
little girl, Vanessa.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Well, we've been
driving for about an hour,

so perhaps we could have
something to drink?

Sure.

I've got to use the bathroom.

It's down
the hall to the right.

-Well look at you, huh?
-Right.

Huh?

Look at your hair.

I know. I straighten it now.

Oh. Here you go.

So you coming to
the pageant or what?

Didn't you get my message?

Lurdy don't want to.

Then come alone.

-Well, when is it again?
-It's a week
from this Saturday.

Uh-huh.
No, that's not good for me.

-Why not?
-It just isn't, Mona.

MONA:
Why can't you just rearrange
your schedule?

NEDRA: I can't, Mona.
I just can't.

Ask... Ask someone
to change their shift
with you.

Just change your shift with
someone. I mean, why is
it such a big deal? Just ask.

No, Mona. I just can't.
Don't you understand what I...
Mona, I just can't. No.

"You are beautiful."

"Never give up."

Quit asking me
all these questions,
Mona. I said no.

Mom,

I never asked
you for anything.

It's one night.

It won't cost you a dime,
I swear to god, it won't.

I'll get you room
service and a car.

I've been working toward this
since I was eight years old.

No.

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you.
I don't understand you.

Well,

what don't you understand?

I don't know.

You scare me.
That look in your eyes,

like you always was hungry,
and then you never
would eat anything.

Hey Ma,
you ever heard of those
Pomeranian orphans?

-What kind of orphans?
-They're Pomeranian.

What are you
talking about, Mona?

It's "Romanian," Mona.
"Romanian."

(LAUGHS)

I thought she was
talking about a dog.

She don't know shit.
She never did.

No, my point...
I got the word wrong.

I was picturing one of
them little yappy things,

you know, that Roberta has,
all them dogs of hers.

(LAUGHING) Actually,
she kind of looks like
one of Roberta's dogs.

-Now, now, now, now.
-"Oh, look at me,
I'm Miss American Miss."

-Stop it!
-No, listen, listen, listen.

It's like love is a sort
of language and they never
learned the words.

That's what I meant.

You're just not
a happy girl, are you?

I want to go now, Mona.

Okay, we'll go.

You tell her, "Good luck."

-Mona, I've got...
-I'm not moving till
you tell your daughter

that she's one of the 50 most
beautiful,
talented ladies in America.

She just wore the judges down.

You're mean.
You're a mean, mean lady.

Mona, get her out of here.

You're both aggravating me
and I've got a headache.

-Mona.
-Hey.

-What's happened?
Where's Vanessa?
-She's outside.

Why didn't you send her in?
I wanted to say hi.

Because I just...
You've gotta tell me
what I'm going to do

because I can't win

if there's no one
in my family box,

and my mother won't come,
so I got no one.

Oh, Mona.

I know, I just need
you to tell me what to do
because I worked really hard.

I mean, Rubes,
you know how hard I worked.

You know? And I...

Just tell me what to do, Ruby.

For crying out loud, Mona.

Please tell me
what to do, Rubes.

Tell you what to do.

Ruby, I... What's going on?

My god, Mona!

Look around. I'm in jail.

I can't help you.

I can barely help myself
right now, and who's going
to help Vanessa?

I'll tell you
what to do, Mona.

Why don't you go home
and cook Vanessa some dinner,

and then maybe you rub
her back until she falls
asleep for once?

I can't.

Grow up, Mona!

You're not the one who needs
a mother anymore.

Come on, Ruby,
I just need you
to tell me what...

No. No, you stop it
and you listen to me, Mona.

Look at me.

I'm going to get out of this
because I didn't
do anything wrong,

and then I'm going
to forget about it

and it'll just
be something bad
that happened in my life.

I'll let it go.

But you won't let
the bad things go, Mona.

You just hold onto them like
everything bad that's ever
happened in your life.

You never see the good things,

good things that have been
in your life for
a really long time now.

Go home, Mona.

Send Vanessa in.
I want to say hi.

(NEDRA LAUGHING)

LURDY: She don't know shit.
She never did.

RUBY: You never see the
good things. You won't let
the bad things go.

VERNA:
You will fit in beautifully.

VANESSA: Why do your
mom and dad hate you?

NEDRA: You didn't win.

LURDY: She just
wore the judges down.

RUBY:
Don't you want Mona to win?
VANESSA: No.

GIRL: Move over, Scumona.

BOY: No,
I think it's Moaner, baby!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

VANESSA: Mona?

Mona?

Mona?

So how was your day today?

Ah, I see you had
a Wal-Mart opening.

You didn't go, did you?

Mona?

Mona, can you hear me?

Oh, come on, Mona, answer me.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Get up, Mona. Get up!

Ruby told me to tell you that
you have to pack.
You have to go.

(GROANS)

You're supposed to leave
for the pageant tomorrow.

You've worked your
whole life for this.

Don't worry about me.
I'm going to stay
with Suzy O'Connors.

Who's that?

Right wing.

She's Republican?

On my soccer team.

(GROANS)

Ruby says if you win,
then I'll go to
a nice foster family.

You know, if you win.

What do you mean if I win?

Well, how can you win
lying on that
couch eating all day?

Want to look at the mail?

Look, it's your
Miss American
Miss souvenir book.

Oh wow, look at all
these really pretty girls.

Just let me see.

Miss Indiana wrote
a children's book
about a dyslexic mouse

based on the adversity
she overcame in her own life.

And Miss Rhode Island
was in the Peace Corps,

and assisted in building
housing for 500 families.

Up hers.

That's the spirit.

And here you are!

Did they take
this picture special?
Because it's great.

It says your
hobbies are aerobics
and riding rollercoasters.

Since when?

It makes me look carefree.

The judges like carefree.

Who's the one
who donated marrow
to her dying foster sister.

-Oh, yeah.
-Hey,
you two are exactly alike.

Her hobbies are aerobics
and riding
roller coasters too.

What? Let me see that.

(GASPS)

-That fat, pug-nosed, lying...
-Bitch?

Hey,
you just watch your mouth.

-Fine.
-I'm allowed to
say shit like that.

-You can't.
-Whatever.

(GROANS) Oh god.

Well come on, Mona,
don't just sit there.
I can help.

Really?

Mmm-hmm. I've got to
sit on the suitcase
to see if it'll shut.

Let's see, we'll pack this

and this,

and this.

Come on Mona, let's go pack.

Well hey, Vanessa?

What?

Well, I was just
thinking maybe, you
know, you could come with me

and help me with my costumes.

You know, because I...
Well, I mean,
I got an extra ticket.

Won't that be bad?

No, you know, you just...

Stay out of sight and...

I think it would be
really good for you.

You know, to see what you can
accomplish with
a lot of hard work

and a serious attitude.

Greetings from
the Hawkeye State.

I'm Fauna Fairchild,
Miss Iowa.

I'm a senior at Iowa State
majoring in agriculture,

and my platform is
encouraging youth
to postpone sexual activity.

Hey America, just say no.

Greetings from the Mountain
State. I'm Ashlee Carruthers,
Miss West Virginia.

I'm devoted to developing
civility through care,
courtesy and respect of power.

Vote for me and help me
make a more polite America.

Please, and thank you.

I'm Wanda Love,
Miss Tennessee.

I'm a performing arts major
at Mafrese
Borough Junior College,

and my platform is preventing
birth defects and
infant mortality.

(GIGGLING)

I'm Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

I'm a magna cum laude graduate
of the University of Texas

with a double degree
in genetics
engineering and cosmetology.

My personal
crusade is to assist
the transplant community

in increasing organ
and tissue donation.

Share your life, America.
Share an organ.

Hi, I'm Mona Hibbard
from the Prairie
State of Illinois.

I'm passionately devoted to
empowering America's youth for
a brighter tomorrow

by promoting
character strength,

and encouraging our youth
to take control
of their destiny.

All it takes is focus,
aim, and drive.

Cut! Miss Illinois,

I've asked you three times
to gently, gently toss
the ball to Miss Texas.

Well, is it my fault
if she can't catch?

-Not at all.
-She's not very athletic.

-She isn't.
Let's do it again, okay?
-Okay, fine.

All right, people, let's go.
We've got to get
this before lunch.

Hey, who's got a 20
on the beach ball?

Thank you.
All right,
who's throwing it in now?

(CONTESTANTS CHATTERING)

Hey look,
there's Belindy Lindbrook.

CONTESTANT:
Who's that interviewing her?

BELINDY: I really get offended
when people call me

"Belindy Lindbrook,
the current Miss American
Miss, a beauty queen."

It's like people think that
all we do is just stand
around and look pretty.

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

Hey!

Hello, so good to see you.

-Mr. DeSalvo? Miss Illinois.
-Really?

MAN: Oh, Mr. DeSalvo?

CONTESTANT:
Where have you been?

Miss Texas?

Oh my word.

I'm Lance DeSalvo.
I'm the director
of the pageant.

So nice to meet you.
And who's this?

Um, this is Steve.
Steve, say hello to Mr.
DeSalvo.

Hey, how do you do?

DESALVO: That's incredible.
Your lips,
they didn't move once.

How do you do, Steve?

-Hey, how's it going?
-Where were you?

-Getting some food.
-What?
Did anyone say anything?

No.

Well, just stay out of sight
and give me the plate.

Hey, did you know that
this hotel has got
an indoor swimming pool?

Yeah, great.
These elevators take so long.

Hey, Mona.

Oh, hey Lorna.

Oh, you sure know
how to tuck it away,
don't you?

I have a very fast metabolism.

Yeah, right.

Who are you?

Vanessa.

Oh,
how do y'all know each other?

We don't.
We just happen to be waiting
for the same elevator.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I could have sworn
I saw y'all talking.

-We were.
-Yeah, we were.

-We were.
-Mmm-hmm.

-VANESSA: Yeah, we were.
-Nine, please.

She's just a little girl who
was wondering where the indoor
swimming pool is.

-It's on the top floor.
-No, it's not.
It's on the second.

-(VANESSA GRUNTS)
-Oh, no, not here.

I could have sworn I saw y'all
talking at
the airport this morning.

-The airport?
-Wait. Hi.

Hi!

Hi, Lorna.

(ALL CHATTERING)

-My sunglasses!
-They're on your head, silly.

The interview.

Stop it. My stomach aches
just thinking about it.

This group of women is
representative of the women in
our society today,

and we are the role models
for the women of tomorrow.

Excuse me, I'm sorry,
but are you Jo-Jo Oberschmidt?

I was a long time ago,
but it didn't look
right on TV Guide,

-so now I'm Joyce Parkins.
-It's me, Cricket.

Cricket McCordin, remember?
Cheerleading
camp two years ago?

Remember?

Hey! Hey! Ho, let's go.

Cricket, how are you?

Okay, sixth floor.
Who wants out?
Anyone? Anyone?

Come on.

Mona? Mona?
Isn't this your floor?

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, six, yes, that's me.
Excuse me.

Well, well, well. I had no
idea the infamous Miss
Illinois was in the elevator.

Yeah.
So what are you doing here
in Long Beach, California?

Special assignment.
The story I'm working on

is going to catapult me
to a position nationally.

Sounds painful.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm going to wait
for the next one.

All right. All right.

Lenny, drop everything and
check on something for me.

Vanessa?

Vanessa?

What?

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?
I feel completely exhausted.

Oh yeah.

And what if I do this?

What if I don't even
make it into the top 10?

Well, let's see.

Then you won't be going
all over
the country for a whole year,

and I won't be going
to a nice foster family.

Yeah. And then
we'll both be losers.

Yeah.

Have you slept at all?
You look like crap.

No.

Want me to rub your back?

My mom would
always rub my back.

Get under the covers.

Are you cold?

No.

No?

Ruby says
there's a good chance
you're going to win.

She did?

Really?

Really.

-You know, Vanessa?
-Yeah?

I want you to know
I would have rubbed your back,

but I wouldn't
have done it good.

No, probably not.

See, I never had a mother
who'd teach me how to do it.

Not like you have.

(SIGHS)

Boy, it must be great
to have a mother who...

Who what?

Who loves you.

Yeah.

(CONTESTANTS CHATTERING)

MAN: Miss Alabama?

-How'd it go?
-Great.

You're going to win!
You're going to win!
You're going to win!

Shh!
We don't know that for sure.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

-Hello.
-Hi.

-So how'd it go?
-Oh, great.

That's good.

Now who is this?

Vanessa.

Wait, are you guys related?

-No.
-Yes.

-Well, what is it?
-Um... Yes.

-Yes?
-Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, what's the big deal?

She's my niece.

Who is?

She is.

MISS TEXAS: Oh.

Wait, you said that
you two didn't
know each other.

And I thought I read
in the souvenir book
you're an only child

whose hobbies are aerobics
and riding rollercoasters.

They are.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know about you guys,
but I'm totally confused here.

Honey, where do you belong?

You're driving me crazy,
all of you!

I don't know where I belong.

And besides, what's it to you?

Get out of my way, away!

I hate this hotel.
I hate this hotel.

Well, that just...

Okay, I've got to go to dance
rehearsal now, so I...

Good luck with
your lip gloss and...

Bye, Steve.

-That's your light.
-Okay.

You stay in this area
right here, you're in it.

Would you just take five?

Hi, excuse me, sorry.

Just want to make sure we're
not washing out here in
the opening moments.

When the lights come up,
we don't want to lose her face
because she's...

Hi!

I feel as a friend,
I got to tell you,

they're onto you,

you and the little girl.

I heard that reporter
and Belindy talking...

I don't know what you mean.

(CHUCKLES)

Your lips never move.

Miss Illinois?
Miss Illinois, you're up.

Hey people, where's her music?

You're killing me here.
Come on!

Vanessa.
Stay in the room from now on.

When the door's open,
I can just dive in, like this.

(CRASHING)

Vanessa, what are you doing,
goddammit?

-Getting out of the hall.
-Well,
don't destroy the hotel.

-I'm not.
-Well, what do you call this?

-Modern art?
-No, it's not.
You just stay in the room.

-Why can't I just
go out to the hall?
-Because you can't.

-Who said?
-I do.

Well,
who do you think you are,
my mother?

(PHONE RINGING)

-Miss Illinois.
-Mona, it's Ruby.

Ruby, it's Ruby.

Oh, I'm here too.

Vanessa's here too.
Yeah, I brought her with me.

You did?

Yeah. I mean, it's okay.
I thought you'd be pleased.

Mona's doing good, real good.

I'm sure she is, sweetie.
I miss you.
I love you.

I love you too.

Nessie, can you put
Mona on the phone?

She wants to talk to you.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Mona, I just
wanted to wish you luck.
Not that you need it.

Hmm.

-I'm proud of you, Mona.
-Really?

Yes.

Ruby.

All right, there's people here
who need to use the phone,
so I have to go.

Listen,
do you know a Joyce Parkins?
She's a newswoman.

-Why?
-Well,
she came here to talk to me.

I thought she was
doing a story on me,

but she spent the whole time
asking questions about you.

Well, what did you say?

I didn't say anything.
Just watch out for her.

Listen,
they're going to let us
watch the show tomorrow night,

so I want to see that
Miss American Miss smile.

Okay. You shouldn't have...

All right. I'll call
again when I get a chance.

I love you. I love you both.

Okay.

Bye.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great.

I can't believe...
I can't believe this.

You know better than that.
I want my light
directly in front of me.

Come on, get it higher.
Move it. Higher.

(CHATTERING)

Yeah, listen,
there's a new cue at 127A.
It replaces 127.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

ANNOUNCER: Warning
10 minutes to curtain.

Okay, ladies, listen up.
Lance DeSalvo,
our pageant director,

needs to meet with you all
in just a few minutes, okay?

So can we hurry
it on up, please?

Oh, right. Miss Illinois?

The director would
like to see you
before the show.

-Oh, Okay.
-Hey Mona,
could I ask you a huge favor?

Since nobody's
seated in the area
reserved for your family

and I have so much family,

and my Bible school teacher,
he's coming too,
could I use...

No.

Miss Illinois? Please,
it's ten minutes to show.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Take it, take it, take it.
Thank you.
Come on.

Okay. It's show time, folks.

ANNOUNCER: Channel five is
proud to bring you the
following special broadcast.

Tonight, on EI, a special
inside look at Miss American
Miss Pageant 2000,

brought to you by
Chicago's Joyce Parkins.

There you are. Miss Illinois,

no one seems to be
seated in the area
reserved for your family.

I have someone.

Vanessa, I need you.

For what?

To um,
you know, sit in the section.

Because when they
cut to my family box,
no one's going to be there

and I don't want Miss Texas'
goddamn Bible school
teacher to have my seats.

So you know,
I don't care
what anyone thinks.

Just comb your hair,
sit up straight, and come on.

Why should I?
I don't want you to win.

Oh, God. Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Well, what do you want?
What...

I'll do anything for you.
What do you want me to do?

I want you to
answer me one question.

Okay.

Why do I look
so much like you?

Oh.

You're just lucky, I guess.

Stop it!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
I'm seven, I'm not stupid.

Look, Vanessa, I don't know
what you're thinking.

We got to go.
The pageant's beginning.

Tell me.
I want you to tell me!

I can't.

-Answer me!
-I can't.

Even if I was
who you say I am,

I couldn't...
I couldn't do the things...

everything I've worked for.
I...

I'd be nothing.

I'd be a big nothing.

And come on,
you wouldn't want me anyway.

I just want to
know where I belong.

You belong in the family box.

I'm here in Long Beach,
California,
where in just a few moments,

50 state representatives will
be vying for the crown of
Miss American Miss,

including a very
controversial Miss Illinois.

So please stay tuned
for my special expose,
the ugly world of beauty.

(STAGE CREW CHATTERING)

(JUDGES CHATTERING)

ANNOUNCER: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome.

I'll be your host tonight for
the Miss American
Miss Pageant 2000.

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

* I'm every woman,
it's all in me *

Miss Illinois, you're late!
Ready? Two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

* I'm every woman,
it's all in me

* I can read your
thoughts right now
Every woman has to say *

(VOCALIZING)

* I can cast a spell
with secrets you can't tell

* Mix a special brew
Put fire inside of you. *

Oh, I did the best I could,
Joyce, which in most
cases I must say was...

Well, how do I put this?
Plenty.

* I'm every woman
I'm every woman

* I'm every woman
I'm every woman

* I'm every woman
I'm every woman

* I'm every woman
I'm every woman

* That's me

* Me!

Oh Joyce, Joyce,
to have to be constantly
less than what you really are.

-When I was younger...
-I'm sorry, Miss Chickle,

I'm going to
have to interrupt.
Thank you so much.

But I am being told that they
are making the announcement
for the top ten finalists,

so let's go inside.

Our next contestant,
Miss Alabama.

(SCREAMING)

As you can see,
we've got a very
excited Miss Alabama.

All right, number eight,

Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

Oh!

Finalist number nine,

Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

And contestant number ten,

Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

And there you have
your top 10 finalists.

One of these beautiful young
women will become our new
Miss American Miss.

And now it's my
pleasure to introduce
the bathing suit competition.

Miss Alabama.

Miss Florida.

Now listen closely, everyone.
It's time now to
announce our final five.

Best of luck, ladies.

Now in random order,
our final five are

Miss Tennessee,

Miss Alabama,

Miss Hawaii,

Miss Texas,

and Miss Illinois.

Yay!

Yes, yes!

(WHOOPING)

And there they are, ladies and
gentlemen,
our top five finalists.

Now once she becomes our new
Miss American Miss,

one of these beautiful young
women will say goodbye to
her family, her friends,

and for one solid year
she'll travel the globe,

speaking out on the
issues of the day,
spreading goodwill,

and let's face it,
ladies and gentlemen,
just reminding everyone

of what truly
beautiful really is.
Don't you think so?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Now let's see how
talented they are.

(PLAYING CLASSICAL PIECE)

As we listen to
the talented Miss Hawaii
on the piano,

I ask myself,
"What makes a woman beautiful?

"And how far will some
go to be called
The Most Beautiful?"

(PLAYING FAST COUNTRY PIECE)

(UP TEMPO DANCE PLAYING)

MAN: Miss Illinois,
this way, please.

* He is the very model of a
modern major-general

* I've information vegetable,
animal and mineral

* He knows the kings of
England and he quotes
the fights historical

* From Marathon to Waterloo,
in orders categorical

* He's very
well acquainted too
with matters mathematical

* I understand equations,
both the simple
and quadratical

* About binomial theorem
he is teeming
with a lot of news.

* With many cheerful facts
about the square
of the hypotenuse

* He's very good at integral
and differential calculus

* I know the scientific names
of beings animalculous

* In short,
in matters vegetable,

* Animal, and mineral

* He is the very model of a

* Modern major-general

* Tonight, you're mine

* Completely.

* You give your love

* So sweetly.

* Tonight,

* The light

* Of love is in your eyes.

* But will you love me

* Tomorrow?

* Tonight,

* With words unspoken,

* You'll say I'm the only one.

* But will my heart

* Be broken when

* The night

* Meets the morning sun?

* Oh, yeah

* I need to know

* That your love

* Your love, your love,
your love, your love

* Is a love I can

* Be sure of

* So tell

* Me now

* And I won't ask again,

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow?

(VOCALIZING)

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow?

* Will you,
will you, will you, will you,

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING LOUDLY)

ANNOUNCER: Time to narrow
it down to our final
three contestants.

And here they are,
in no particular order.

Finalist number one,
Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

Finalist number two,
Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

Thank you!

Third and final contestant,
Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

Which one of these beautiful
women will become our new
Miss American Miss?

It's your call, America.
That's right.
Let your voice be heard.

So while they're changing into
their evening gowns,

please write down the number
at the bottom of your screen.

This year's Miss American Miss
should represent you,

so speak up, America.

And here they are
in evening gown.

Miss Tennessee.

Miss Illinois.

I have the final
piece of information

to disqualify Mona Hibbard,
Miss Illinois...

-ANNOUNCER: Miss Texas.
-Right here.

ANNOUNCER:
And there you have our
contestants in evening gown.

Next, we're going to roll out
our soundproof booth

and we'll begin
our final round
of competition questions.

And we'll start
with Miss Texas.

I'd also like to tell you that
the construction of this booth

renders it
absolutely soundproof.

I doubt if they
could hear a bomb go off
once inside.

All right.

(CHATTING INAUDIBLY)

Have you ever
been to Appalachia?

No.

I want out and
there's only one crown.

Look at us.

Two white trash girls trying
to crack the code.

(DOOR OPENS)

Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

Well, tell me it's all true.

Tell me that you grew up
with foster
brothers and sisters,

and that you risked your
life to save one of them.

Tell me you love aerobics
and rollercoasters.

'Cause if it's true,
then you deserve to win.

What difference does it make?

Well, I don't know if I want
to be a pretend role model to
thousands of little girls...

Or a real role model to one.

(DOOR OPENS)

ANNOUNCER:
And now Mona Hibbard,
Miss Illinois.

Here we go.

What quality do you most like
about yourself and why?

That's an easy one.

Mona, it's your sincerity.

Come on, come on.

Could you repeat the question?

What quality do you most like
about yourself and why?

I don't like myself.

(CROWD MURMURING)

What are you...

But I'm going to.

Vanessa,
you're my little girl.

My...

Come on.

You belong with me.
We're going home.

I don't think that
was the right answer.

Mmm. Hang on.

-What is she doing?
-How would I know?

She can't do that.

All right,
what do you want to do,
go to commercial?

No, no, no.
Keep going, keep going.
Be funny.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that's kind of what makes live
television so interesting.

And, uh...

We actually had a chance
and then she goes nuts.

Shut up, Lurdy.

ANNOUNCER:
But I do remember...

Wait a minute,
what just happened?

Miss Illinois
just made a statement

that women with
children should be allowed
to be Miss American Miss.

ANNOUNCER: And I mean,
he talked to everybody

who would talk back to him
for 12 minutes onstage.

The following year, this poor
sucker went over there again

and the same thing happened,
only this time...

Hey, no one can come in
and out until after the show.

No, they need you onstage now.

Didn't you hear?
I'm ineligible. This is my
daughter and I want to go.

Please.

(ANNOUNCER CHATTING)

We are live on TV.

Please just... please? Please?

Please, please just go.
Please.

Cut it. Thank you.
What's going on?

Just let me go in for a sec.

What's going on in here?

ANNOUNCER:
...contestant before ,
but I do remember...

If she just did
what I think she did,

she's fucking brilliant.

-You go, Mona Hibbard!
-(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

-Right on.
-I'm going to call.

-What's that number?
-Where's my phone?

No finalist has ever
sacrificed the crown

in order to make
a statement about
the realistic psychological

and socio-economic conditions
of today's American women.

-But she can't win!
-(TELEPHONES RINGING)

Mothers and legal
guardians are ineligible.

We're too proud.

We evolve with the times.

What's happening?

I don't get it. What happened?

She's making a statement about
the difficulties women face

(SNIFFS) maintaining high
self-esteem in
a patriarchal society.

ANNOUNCER: So something's up.
Let's find out.

They've scored her. The judges
have scored her.
Go on with the show.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if I could have
your attention please?

Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois,
has given her answer

and she has been judged
by our panel.

So let's now
bring our other two
finalists out of the booth,

and we'll
continue on our countdown
to find out who will be

Miss American Miss 2000.

Our judges have tabulated
their scores, along with your
telephone call-in votes.

Touche.

So here we go.
Our second runner-up,

Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

AUDIENCE: (CHANTING)
Mona! Mona! Mona! Mona!

You cracked the code.
You found the new frontier.

First runner-up
Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

WANDA: Congratulations!

That means Mona Hibbard,
Miss Illinois,
is our new Miss American Miss.

You won, you won!

(CHEERING)

She won, she won!

Wow.

Congratulations.

She's ineligible.

Wait, you guys know
that I was going
to break this story.

I had it first.
You guys all know this.

Tom Brokaw,
if you're out there
watching, you know that...

Wait a second.
I didn't say cut.

I didn't say cut.
Back it up. I'm not through.

Yes, you are.

No, no, no, no, no.
Back it up. Come back here.

Ruby's watching.

BOTH: Hi, Ruby!

Hi.

We did it! We did it!

We did, we did it!

Vanessa, Mona, we did it!

(LAUGHING)

We did it.

* With you right
here beside me *

MONA: Whoo hoo! She's free,
she's free, she's free!

Oh, my god.

I missed you!

(CHATTERING)

* Like a perfect
stroke of genius

* I might have
noticed right beneath
my very nose

* As I was
thrashing through the thorns,
I stumbled on the rose

* Oh if every
angel near and far

* Knew how
beautiful you really are

* Then heaven
might go right to sleep

* Its work complete

* I do believe you can carry

* Twice the weight
of every suffering fool

* And either
wisdom that you share

* We wouldn't have
these tears to stroll through

* I might have
noticed I'd forgotten
what I'd set out to win

* And where I wanted to arrive
is where you've always been

* Oh if every
angel near and far

* Knew how
beautiful you really are

* Then heaven
might go right to sleep

* Its work complete

* For every prize on
earth I might've won

* I'd trade them all
away for just this one

* Just the sight

* Of heaven getting it right

* Oh if every
angel near and far

* Knew how
beautiful you really are

* Then heaven
might go right to sleep

* Its work complete