Original subtitles

[Shriek]

Ah ha ha ha!

You swear to me, doc.

It's just like that nightmare I told you about.

The one I keep having when I'm petting Bambi.

You've got to help me, doc.

I'm losing my mind.

I can't seem to take a joke anymore!

I mean, achoke.

I mean...It's like the man in tonight's tale.

He's a head shrinker who's about to undergo

a little final analysis of his own

in a paranoid parable

I call the new arrival.

Don't forget tomorrow our subject issex with the supernatural.

Is it possible? Is it cheating?

Have you had it?

And most important, honey,

did the spiritmoveya?

Call in tomorrow and tell us right here on talk radio 99.

Until then, lothar loves you.

Does your mother know you talk that way?

I don't know,

but the folks at arbitron sure do.

You seen my ratings that just came out in that book?

I'm up 60%.

No accounting for taste.

You know, goetz, I heard a rumor.

They're going to give me your time slot.

Over my dead body.

That works for me, daddy-o.

Excuse me.

This Tuesday, get out and vote.

The U.S. senator in the fifth district

is running again this year.

Don't let him rattle you, Alan.

I want you to concentrate on your show, o.K.?

You'll be great today.

Bonnie, do me a favor-- shut up.

You're my producer, not my mother.

Right. I'm sorry.

It's 10:05 and time forgood psychology

with award-winning child psychologist

Dr. Alan goetz,

author of the best-selling

the art of ignoring your child.

Dr. goetz, our first caller

is a mother from glenbury.

[Caller] Where do I get

my 3-year-old's hormones investigated?

Every time I look, she's m-m--

ah, she's masturbating.

Now, listen to me.

Children rub their genitals

for the pleasure it gives them.

Probably you do, too. There's nothing wrong with it.

Ignore it, ignore it.

Thanks for the call.

Next, Bonnie.

It's our friend from lawndale, Dr. goetz.

Nora?

Hello, Dr. goetz.

Hi. It's what, four days since you last called?

How's little felicity getting along?

Burning the house down?

Not at all.

Writing on the wall with feces?

No, of course not.

Trying to electrocute the cat?

She's banging her head against the wall.

I tried reasoning with her, but that never works.

Then I threatened to take away her favorite toy.

She just started screaming and banging her head again.

Get out of my chair.

Do you hear yourself, Nora?

Every time, it's the same thing--

felicity did this...

Nice shoes, rona. Snake?

You're loads of laughs, lutzmeyer.

You should get a job on the radio.

You'll need one after today.

What's that supposed to mean?

I know what you're probably--

oh, now, now don't get to upset.

Oh, now, now don't get to upset.

You'll have lots of company in the unemployment line.

Rona you can't do that, we have a contract.

What you want to sue us go ahead.

Sue us.

As of tomorrow, this spot belongs to lothar.

Dr. goetz? Hello? Are you there?

Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry. What?

But people count on Alan!

They need him!

Oh, come on! Nobody needs Alan.

After the ratings we got today,

we don't need him, either.

I thought that if you could come out and see her--

why should I see her?

I've got enough problems.

That's what I'm talking about.

Now, wait a minute.

Lady, are you aware

that you're the epitome of the inept parent

and that your felicity

is the ultimate problem child?

Does that mean you're not coming?

Oh, on the contrary.

I'm going to originate good psychology

from your home every day

until little felicity

is a fully functioning little girl!

We're making a house call!

You can't do that, goetz!

Good psychology beats bad behavior every time!

You're out of you depths, goetz.

This lady needs a SWAT team not an armchair radio shrink.

I'm not an armchair shrink!

Do you think a kid did all this damage?

Either that or colonel qaddafi visited.

But it doesn't matter.

There isn't a child in existence that I can't help.

Good psychology beats bad behavior every time.

It better beat rotten ratings

because management isn't pleased

being held hostage like this.

Rona, why don't you go home?

I'd like to, except you can't be trusted.

Oh, shit, anyone got a pencil?

It won't bite you.

Alan doesn't trust electricity.

Makes sense for someone who works on radio.

Of all the stupid-- aah!

Alan, get out of the way!

Alan, get out of the way!

Dr. goetz, it's you!

You're really here.

Did she get a shock from the buzzer?

I was tinkering with it a little while ago.

I'm a very good tinkerer.

How good a lawyer are you?

Are you, uh, Nora?

That's me-- felicity's mommy.

Aah!

Oh, hell. She's doing it again.

Felicity?

Aah!

Felicity, please stop.

Please stop for mommy.

Not in front of our guests, darling.

Aah!

Mommy has your favorite bubble gum.

Stop! Are you rolling?

Capitulation with a bribe

always reinforces bad behavior.

If I don't, she'll hurt herself.

The gum always works.

But you don't understand.

No. You don't understand.

[Banging]

Listen to the thuds...

How she's picked the softest spot

that makes the biggest amount of noise,

the minimum amount of pain,

bringing the biggest amount of attention.

Now, repeat after me.

Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.

Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.

[Glass breaks]

[Banging stops]

You see?

Now she's learned that you won't always come

when she calls.

Bonnie, give me a book.

Now, all you have to do is read this.

Inthe art of ignoring your child,

you'll find everything you want to know.

I'll even sign it for you.

I already have it.

My God, she must have

every important child psychology book ever written.

Mmm. She's even got Max spitzmacher's

no fault discipline.

He was very smart, but he was wrong.

Please. What could you possibly know about it?

I studied with him.

He was a giant in the field.

Who are you to criticize him?

Well, I'm a mother,

and in my opinion,

Max spitzmacher was an overrated teacher

with no real experience with problem children.

Don't touch that!

Sorry. Friends of yours?

That's felicity's daddy with his commanding officer.

He'll be home from the war any day now.

The war?

Excuse me, but isn't that commanding officer

general Douglas macarthur?

That's right.

World war ii Douglas macarthur?

Nora...

You know what would be very nice?

A pot of coffee.

Dr. goetz works a lot better when he's buzzed.

All right.

But you all wait right here.

Well... What do you think?

It's uncharted territory.

We could do a whole series from here.

The ratings would go through the roof!

You're as crazy as she is.

She couldn't possibly have a little kid.

What's up there is a 40-year-old refugee from some institution.

Better yet,

a milk-carton kid she kidnapped at the safeway.

This experiment is over.

I'm calling the cops.

I don't need you

running around with half-baked ideas

about what's going on here!

Aah!

Still think I'm half-baked?

A look at the kid wouldn't be a bad idea.

In here.

I can feel the child's presence.

Give me a break.

Open the door.

Ew.

God, it smells like grape bubble gum.

Oh, God! It's all over the floors.

[Goetz] Felicity?

It's on my shoes!

Come on, they're only shoes!

These are my Italian shoes!

Freakin' kids, I hate kids!

Rona, please try and control your maternal instincts.

[Goetz] The faults are ignored.

It's typical of older mothers, really.

Felicity?

Felicity, where are you?

Felicity!

Felicity?

Felicity?

Felicity, where are you, you little bitch?

Aah!

Aah!

No! No!

This situation doesn't seem to be covered in my book.

Felicity!

[Electricity crackling]

Aah!

An electrified door knob, shit!

God, are you all right?

God, are you all right?

Look, this is a big country

there are lots and lots of radio stations.

Radio stations much better than this.

What do you think, rona?

Rona, where is she?

[ Loud heaving ]

Oh, that poor child.

What are you doing?

So I don't get electrocuted.

[Whirring]

Holy shit!

The woman's crazier than I thought.

[Nora] Felicity, you're a naughty child.

Do you hear me?

A naughty, naughty child.

Don't you get it?

We're not dealing with a real child.

We're dealing with a fantasy child.

You mean this collection of junk,

this is felicity?

Spitzmacher and I once worked on a case

where the mother actually dressed

in the imaginary child's clothes.

Nora's small enough to fit into a child's clothing.

It's entirely possible

that she's living a complete double life.

It's amazing. It's simply amazing.

Yes. A delusional matrix that's taken years to build.

Our audience will love taking it apart

day by day.

Felicity?

Oh, my God!

What?

What's the matter?

Rona.

You're still sure

about good psychology beating bad behavior?

We'll discuss this later.

Let's get the hell out of here!

[Electricity crackling]

Aah! Damn it! Locked!

Let me out!

Unlock this door right now,

you miserable little monster!

I can hear you out there!

Nora, open the door!

Open this damn door!

Alan, look!

What is it?

What is it?

I wonder what's up there.

I really don't want to go up.

Just think of the ratings.

Shush!

Shit, what the hell do we do now?

Ha ha ha.

Nora?

Is that you?

Careful, Alan. You might spook--

who's the psychologist, me or you?

Nora...

Let's talk.

I can help you, Nora.

Yes, I can.

Nora!

Damn!

You're supposed to know about people!

You know nothing!

Bonnie, I swear, when we get out of here,

you're fired!

You won't have to fire me! I quit!

I'm tired of your arrogance!

It's not my arrogance! It's your incompetence!

Huh?

Bonnie.

Up above you.

What?

Bonnie. Bonnie, look out!

Aah!

Dr. goetz.

You thirsty?

I need to hold the mug.

Could you untie me please?

I don't think that would be such a good idea.

I'm sorry about felicity's behavior.

I'm at my wits end with her.

I'm at my wits end with her.

Now you see why I need help.

Now I think of it...

There is a college of mine, if I could just call him.

Dr. goetz, you promised you could make felicity better.

Good psychology beats bad behavior, you said.

Now look here you sick bitch if you don't untie me now!

I'm going to pinch your fucking head!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

I know you didn't, you've had a rough day.

Should I bring felicity up

after all she is the patient?

Ah, yes, that's a good idea.

Little bit of love therapy is in order.

Good I'll go get her.

Hi...

Felicity.

Your mummy says you wanted to talk to me.

She says you haven't been feeling very well lately.

Is that true?

Well, if you'd come over here,

sit on my lap,

I think maybe I could help you feel better.

I think I could.

I'd like to help you feel better.

You know, felicity,

sometimes people want us to be what we aren't,

and that makes us very angry,

but I just want you to be little felicity white.

I love you just the way you are.

Now, if you were to untie my arm,

I could give you a hug.

Thank you.

Now, here's your love therapy.

The only way to beat bad behavior

is with worse behavior, eh, Nora?

I know it's you!

Dr. goetz!

Stop it!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Oh, come to mommy, darling.

I know what you're thinking--

I spoil her to death,

and I suppose you're right.

Amazing, ain't she?

Been dead 40 years,

and she's still busy as a bee.

It's love that keeps her going,

but it's love that hurts her, too.

That's why you came.

That's why they all came.

They?

Dr. spitzmacher.

He didn't know

what he was talking about.

None of them did.

Not Dr. lasilsky,

Dr. kassir,

Dr. pascalumier.

But I have faith in you, Dr. goetz.

I know you can help us,

me and my little felicity.

I guess you and felicity

should continue getting acquainted,

so I'll leave you alone.

I'll just turn the radio on.

Her favorite show is on.

[Lothar] Talk radio 99.

It's 10:00.

[ Lothar continues talking ]

Ignore it.

Ignore it.

Ignore it.

Ignore it.

Ignore it.

You'll be happy to know

that Dr. goetz did get another radio show,

though he was much more careful this time

aboutscreaminghis calls.

Ah ha ha ha!

I'm feeling so much better.

You were right doc.

A little smotherly love was all I needed.

So until next time kiddies.

I sending my shrink to join the others.

You know what they say.

The morgue the merrier.