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-[wind blowing] -[bird singing]

[mellow piano music playing]

[water rushing]

[Keith] I will say once again,

I am very sorry to have kept you all waiting.

I'm sorry you had to sit in a pub for two and a half hours.

I'm deeply sorry that as a result of all that,

we are starting this holiday four hours late.

-But it was not altogether my fault. -[June scoffs]

[Alistair] It wasn't altogether Keith's fault, you know, June.

No, he couldn't help it.

[Keith] Hadforth's Bounty, this is the one.

Thank goodness. It would be the last one.

-[Keith] Wait there, just wait there. -[thudding]

Oh. It looks quite small, doesn't it?

-[Alistair] Can you manage? -[Keith] Yes, yes, I'm all right.

[thudding]

-Someone pass the luggage aboard, please. -[Alistair] Oh, yes, I'll get it.

-[grunts] -[Keith] June. June, my darling.

-Would you do something, please? -[June] What?

[Keith] Would you pass your luggage aboard, please?

I would like to get your luggage aboard, if I may.

[luggage thudding]

Thank you, my dear. May I help you aboard?

[June] I can manage. Thank you.

[Keith] Right, she can manage. Fair enough.

[June grunts] Oh, damn it, damn it.

-On it comes. -[Emma] Help, Alistair. Help her.

[Alistair] Oh, yes.

Uh, do you want any help, um, June?

[Keith] She doesn't need any help. You heard what the lady said.

[Emma] Blimey, she's barely in. Here let me, June.

[June] I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right.

-Welcome aboard, darling. -[June] I told you, Keith.

First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going straight home.

Fine, fine.

Oh, dear God. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

[Emma] Sorry.

-Thank you, Emma. What's this? -[Emma] First aid box.

-Expecting trouble, are you? -[Emma] You never know.

[June] They've just got to be joking, got to be joking.

-[Emma] What are these? -Life jackets.

-Oh, will we need them? -[June] This is has got to be some joke.

If they think anyone's going to sleep in that little broom cupboard.

-Come on, darling. -Well, have you looked?

Now, I know you're determined to hate everything.

No, seriously. Have you looked?

Yes, you've made your point. Don't go on.

No, please. Take a look. I want you to look.

I don't need to look. I know what's down there.

I chose this boat meself. I ordered it.

You didn't order this boat. You ordered a completely different one.

All right, then I ordered a very similar boat.

-You ordered a bigger boat. -[Keith] Alistair.

You let him put you off with some feeble excuse.

-[Keith] Pass your luggage down, please. -[Alistair] Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Just go and look in the dog-kennelly laughing little bedroom.

-Give yourself a laugh. -Right.

No, I mean, seriously.

This has got to be the sickest joke I've ever heard.

Four people expected to live on this for ten days?

We couldn't survive.

She's always the same.

-Happy holidays, eh? -She's always the same.

Satisfactory?

As a lavatory, this leaves a great deal to be desired.

-Splendid. I'm so pleased. -Is this the only one?

Oh, good Lord no.

There's seven more up forward. Take your pick.

Seriously, Keith. A joke's a joke.

First thing in the morning. I'm sorry, I'm off home.

Fine. It's your holiday. It's your choice.

I beg your pardon. This is not my holiday.

My holiday, when I have one,

will be in a comfortable hotel, somewhere warm,

with a decent bed in a room with space to swing a hamster,

and not in a floating rabbit hutch on an open sewer.

[door slams]

Terrific. Isn't she terrific?

Great woman to be married to, bags of fun.

That's what I've always liked about her, fantastic sense of adventure.

-It's okay, Keith. -Of all the women there are in the world.

It's okay.

Why do we bother mating? Why do we bother?

It's a lovely little front bedroom down there.

Forward cabin, that's called your forward cabin.

Yes, sweet little beds.

-Bunks. -Bunks.

I think it's brilliant, the way they fit everything into the space.

Bless you, Emma. Thank you. That is music to my ears.

Somebody actually enthusing, actually showing some pleasure.

It's so rare. Thank you.

Well. You have to make the best of it, haven't you? Oops.

[laughing]

She's a nice little craft, this, you know.

Nice little craft.

-Mm. -Plenty of fenders, you see.

I mean, that's good. That's good.

The thing about Hanforth's boats is they're not cheap,

but they'll never rent you rubbish.

-There you see, same this side. -Ah, good.

Ah, this is gonna be a great holiday, Alistair.

Just saying Emma, it's gonna be a great holiday, this.

-Oh, yes. -Fresh horizons.

As long as we don't sink.

Sink? You'd have to have a job to sink this.

-Which way do we go, up or downstream? -Upstream, of course.

-How far are we going? -All the way. As far as we can.

-How far is that? -Armageddon Bridge, that's the limit.

You can't navigate beyond there.

Right then.

-Ready for the off? -Mm. Oh, right.

Let's give her a turn, see how she sounds.

Come on, my beauty.

[engine cranks, purrs]

Listen to that. Listen to that.

-Check astern, will you? -How what?

Check astern, see if the cooling system's working.

-Where? -Go on, have a look.

Okay.

What's all this ghastly noise?

Well, what do you think it is? It's the engine.

-How long does it go on? -All the time.

-I'm not living with that. -Well, you're gonna have to.

-Not for ten days. -I thought you were going home, anyway.

How's it look?

Very splendid. What am I looking for?

Well, you see where the smoke's coming out?

[Alistair] Yes.

Well, you should be getting water as well.

That means your engine cooling system's functioning.

Otherwise, you're overheating.

Eventually, bang, the engine blows up under you.

Oh, my God.

Right, stand by to cast off.

[light piano music playing]

[Keith] Now don't let your rope trail in the water, will you?

Otherwise you'll foul your props.

Okay, yes, can't have that.

-[Keith] Are you ready? -[Alistair] Yes.

[Keith] And away we go.

[light piano music continues playing]

[Keith] I tell you, a small firm like ours,

small factory, low overheads, competitive labour costs.

-You've got to win, hands down. -Yes.

Anyway, it's all Martin Cook's problem for the next 12 days.

I've instructed him that if he gets any sort of trouble

from Ray Duffy, or any other employee, he's to throw the book at them.

It's time we got tough, Alistair.

You know what'll finally bring this country down?

-What? -It's when we finally give in,

once and for all, to people like Ray Duffy.

Well, I'm sorry.

If he wants what's mine, he's gonna have to fight me for it.

-[horn honking] -'Morning to you.

Marvellous thing about the river, great feeling of camaraderie.

-Yes. -Only get that on the river.

[bright music playing]

[Keith] You've got to admit it, June. It's terrific.

Admit it.

-Hadforth Brick Works. -What?

Hadforth Brick Works, just passing the starboard.

Well, wow. I must just dash off a postcard.

Ah, thank you, my love.

You don't need to wear that all the time, you know.

-I know. I just feel safer in it. -It's quite safe.

I know. I just feel safer, that's all. Alistair?

-Yes? -Coffee.

-Oh, marvellous. What have you got on? -[Emma] My life jacket.

-You don't need that on, do you? -[Emma] Probably not.

She doesn't need her life jacket on, does she?

-No. -Has she got her life jacket on?

-Yes. -Sweet.

I just feel safer with it, that's all.

I just don't know why everyone's making such a fuss.

[bright music playing]

Ah, it's a coot. There, do you see it? Coot there.

Oh, yes.

-Darling. -[June] What?

A coot over there. Do you see it? Just gone into the reeds.

-A what? -[Keith] A coot, a little bird.

Keith, the river is bristling with bloody birds.

-You know an awful lot about rivers. -Just a bit.

He knows nothing. He gets it all out of a book.

[Keith] Man your heads, bridge coming up.

[faucet sputtering]

[Emma] Oh, my God, I knew it. Alistair, what's happening?

[Keith] It's a bridge, at the Hadforth rail line.

Oh, yes.

[Keith] Not used anymore. Closed on the breaching.

-Staying below? -Yeah, just for a bit.

Make the helmsman a bacon sandwich. There's a love.

Yes, all right.

[Keith] Beats slaving over a hot wheel up here.

[faucet sputtering]

[violin music playing]

[Keith] Better give these decks a thorough going over this evening.

-[Alistair] Yes. -Bit of the old division of labour.

I take the helm. You do the decks. Emma does the food.

Ah, thank you, my love.

You see boats are a society in miniature.

Everyone has a role. Everyone has a function.

-What's your function, June? -Ornament.

Sheer ornament.

[Keith] 'Afternoon.

[horn blares]

I'm not gonna be able to stick ten days of this, you know.

No?

You know, I actually loathe him. Isn't that awful?

No, you don't loathe him, June.

Oh, well, he's just so unspeakable. He's an awful man.

Do you know there actually are some men,

there really are, who understand women, intimately.

When they make love to you, it's as though it were an act of worship.

-God, June. -No, really, honestly.

And there are men of imagination, men of panache, men of--

-Savoir faire? -Yes.

They're not all insensitive, little, sex-starved ferrets.

[Emma scoffs]

[horn blares]

[muffled blaring]

Ah, there she is.

Hello there, Mrs Hatfield! Good afternoon!

Yoo hoo! Good afternoon!

-Who's that? Is that Mrs Hatfield? -It is indeed.

[June] What's Mrs Hatfield doing here?

[Keith] I made arrangements for her to report in.

-[Alistair] How often? -[Keith] Every day.

-[Alistair] Every day? -[Keith] If necessary.

-Stand by on the bow line, please. -[Alistair] Oh, yes, right-o.

[Keith] Get the bow line, Alistair. The one in the front.

[Alistair] Oh, yes, right.

[Keith] Got a few land lubbers on board I'm afraid, Mrs Hatfield.

Oh, well, soon find their sea legs, no doubt.

-[laughs] -Excuse me.

-What's going on? -We're docking with Mrs Hatfield.

That's lovely. I like that.

-What is it? -My life jacket.

[Mrs Hatfield] Nice colour.

-Do you have to wear it? -Yes.

Catch, Mrs Hatfield.

-Whoops. -Okay.

-Well done. -Okay, now.

-Hang on to that, Mrs Hatfield. -[Mrs Hatfield] I will, yes.

Whoops.

Right. Stand by the stern line.

This is Hell, I'm seeing Hell.

[Mrs Hatfield] They're swinging out at the back. Did you know?

Yeah, but that's because you're swinging your rope, Mrs Hatfield.

Don't swing your rope. Keep your rope flat.

[June] Oh, for God's sake. Please speak English.

Perhaps if you turned your steering wheel the other way.

Just a second, just a second.

Uh, we're still swinging out to the middle of the river.

-Did you know? -I know! I know! Just a minute!

-[engine revving] -[Mrs Hatfield screams]

Lean back. Lean back, Mrs Hatfield. Tie off.

I'm trying.

There's nothing to tie this to at all.

-Ballard, use your ballard. -I don't have a ballard.

All right, all right. All right Emma, take the helm.

-Me? -Come on, take the helm.

-Keep it hard aport. -[Emma] Hard aport?

[Keith] Alistair, take this, give me that.

Right. Now, try and push it back towards the bank.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

[Mrs Hatfield] I'm sorry, Mr Taylor. I'm gonna have to let go.

No, don't let go.

June, in the starboard locker there's a round anchor.

-Throw Mrs Hatfield a round anchor. -[June] What?

Oh, June come on. For the love of Mike.

[horn honking]

All right, just a minute. Just a minute.

[Alistair] I can't reach the bottom with this.

Emma, give us a touch astern will you? Very gently.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Mrs Hatfield, will you stop pulling your rope?

[Mrs Hatfield] I am not pulling it. It's just pulling me.

-[engine revving] -[horn honking]

[Keith] All right, sorry.

[engine revving]

-[Mrs Hatfield] So, so sorry. -[horns continue honking]

[Keith] Emma, what the hell are you doing?

-Sorry. -I don't know what I'm doing.

-I said I don't know! -[horn honking]

We seem to have lost a bit of the camaraderie of the river.

[horn continues honking]

Just listen to instructions, and do as you're told, all right?

Do as you are told!

[horn continues honking]

Will you stop that hooting, you stupid bastard?

[hammer pounding]

Sorry about that. Sorry.

I've got a few things in the car for you to sign, Mr Taylor.

-Mr Cook in control, is he? -No apparent problems.

Mr Duffy has arranged to see him at three o'clock this afternoon.

-Oh, has he? -Oh, Lord.

You tell Mr Cook he has my full authority

-to be as firm with Ray Duffy as he likes. -Yes, Mr Taylor.

Keith, I think we ought to find out first

if Ray Duffy is representing the general feelings of the workforce.

No, we don't.

Ray Duffy represents nobody but Ray Duffy.

Listen, I just want to say this.

I don't want to get heavy, but… there's a basic rule of the sea,

and of the river just as much.

Big ship, small boat like ours, it doesn't matter.

[June] Oh, come on. Get on with it.

On any boat, there can only be one Skipper, okay?

One guy who actually gives the orders.

And it's got to be that way, otherwise it's bedlam.

Now, I don't mind taking the job.

I don't mind the responsibility.

But I've got to have your support.

Okay, make sense?

-Yeah, it's fine. -Yes? He'll have us all saluting next.

-Ah, come on. I'm not saying that. -He is not saying that, June.

-No, he's not saying that. -All I'm saying--

All right. Aye, aye. Fine.

Permission to go below, sir? Thank you.

I mean, what's the point?

All I'm saying, is there's got to be an element of order.

Otherwise we'll finish up in the weir. That's all I'm saying.

Yes, that's agreed then. You're the Skipper.

-Emma? -Yes, if that's what you both want.

Right. Fair enough.

[June] I mean, he's behaving selfishly. And this takes just about the bloody cake.

Promising me a holiday for a year

and then seriously expecting me to put up with this.

[Keith] What's wrong with you?

[June] Absolutely unbelievable, even for you.

-[Alistair] You want this in there. -[Emma] Oh, thank you.

[Alistair] I'll bring it through.

-[thumping] -[Alistair] Ow.

-[Emma] That your head? -[Alistair] Yes.

[Emma] Oh.

[June] I mean, what sort of holiday is this boat thing, for me?

-[Keith] I haven't got the faintest idea. -[June] Exactly.

[Keith] What the hell do you want from me?

[June] I want you to respect me as a woman.

-That's what I want. -[Keith shushing]

-No, why should I? -[shushing continues]

What have I got to shush about?

Alistair?

Did they wake you?

Yes.

I don't think I can stand this every night.

Things are apparently a bit awful. June was telling me.

It's all gone wrong, apparently. Poor June.

Poor Keith, really.

I thought you'd given up.

It happened again, didn't it? Today.

-What? -Him appointing himself Skipper.

I mean he just assumed. He never even asked you.

Me? I wouldn't want to be Skipper.

-I don't know anything about Skippering. -Well…

It's not his boat.

We've all rented it together. It's our boat.

It's the same with the firm.

You're supposed to be equal partners. You'd never know.

[coughing]

-Are you enjoying that? -No.

If I was--

If you ever thought I was in great danger, say ever?

If I-I ever needed you, because I was in danger…

and you had to sort of protect me from something

or-or-or defend me, what would you do?

I mean, if it was really dangerous for you?

I'd probably run the other way. [laughs]

[chuckles] Oh, Alistair.

[Keith] Come on, then. You tell me. You tell me.

[shushing]

You know so bloody much about what's normal, and what's average.

-[Emma] Oh. -[Alistair chuckles]

Ooh. [chuckles]

It would've been nice, just the two of us.

I should have suggested it, shouldn't I? [chuckles]

You know, I had this idea, this daydream.

We'd just cruise up the river until we got to this island somewhere,

a very small island, deserted.

And then--

I don't know.

-Well. -What?

We'd, and I'd--

We'd swim,

off the boat,

and we'd get on this island, and--

And what?

We'd sit there for a bit.

Oh.

-Well. -Is that all?

Yep.

I'm a rotten swimmer. You know that.

Yes.

Alistair, do you still love me?

Yes.

Do you still want me, physically I mean?

Yes.

-Yes, I'm sure. -I'm sorry, I should… I'm sorry.

That's all right.

No, I mean yes.

A bit difficult now, on the boat.

[Emma] It's all right, you don't have to--

I mean, if I haven't, it's only because--

-No, no. I don't-- -It's not…

It's not…

It's not you.

I promise.

-No, I didn't mean that. -Good, because it isn't.

-No, I know. -Really.

-Don't worry. -No.

-Don't worry for me. -No.

[mellow music playing]

-Time for bed. -Yes.

[mellow music continues playing]

[Mrs Hatfield] Yoo-hoo. Good morning.

-[Keith] Good morning, Mrs Hatfield. -Good morning, Mr Taylor.

So sorry to rendezvous so early.

-Good morning, Mrs Wingate. -Morning, Mrs Hatfield.

-[Mrs Hatfield] Morning, Mrs Taylor. -[June] Hello.

-Good morning, Mrs Hatfield. -Good morning, Mr Wingate.

What's going on then?

Well, the meeting yesterday with Mr Duffy was rather acrimonious, I'm afraid.

Basically, because Mr Cook refuses to accept

that Mr Duffy is speaking on behalf of many other people besides himself.

[Keith] Was he, indeed?

Usual pattern, isn't it? Little insects.

Now, wait there, I'll come ashore and phone.

Now don't go mad, Keith. Don't go mad, will you?

I think it's still possible to find a solution, even now.

But people are getting very entrenched.

Perhaps someone ought to go back. Alistair?

-Hmm? -[Emma] Do you think you should go back?

Oh, no, not me. Keith.

Keith should be the one to go.

-Why not you? -[Alistair] I'd be no use.

Well, in actual fact, Mr Wingate, you'd be,

well, one hesitates to say, rather better than Mr Taylor.

You see?

We were just wondering if Alistair ought to go back.

-Go back? -See if he can calm things down.

-Do you want to go back? -No, not really.

-Go back if you want to. -[Alistair] No.

I don't think it'll do you much good, though.

Mrs Hatfield was saying that she's sort of--

Look, Keith, I might as well run her up to the lock for you, meet you there.

-Oh, really? -[Alistair] Why not?

-Do you think you can manage that? -I should think so.

-Right, well, go carefully. -[Alistair] Yes.

-Keep your speed low. -Naturally.

And keep her over to starboard, right of the river.

[Alistair] Will do.

Well, you're on your own now, matey.

[bright music playing]

-Is it very difficult, Alistair? -[chuckles] Oh, yes.

You turn the wheel that way, you see,

and the boat goes that way.

[Emma chuckles]

On the other hand, when you turn the wheel this way,

the boat goes this way.

-Mm. Very complicated. -Terribly.

Ooh, here's his book. It's got everything.

Bridges, locks, oh, a whole chapter on locks.

Ooh, wildlife.

-There's a boat coming. -Yes, I see it.

-Big one. -Yes, so long as it keeps to its side.

[horn blowing]

-What does that mean? -I don't know.

Just hello, I think.

-Hoot back. -Should I? [chuckles]

-Keith always does. -[both laugh]

Okay, let's give him a couple of bars. Here we are.

[horn honking]

[horn blowing]

-Got quiet a conversation going. -[giggles]

[horn honking]

-Why is it turning this way? -Hmm?

-Seems to be staring straight for us. -Does it?

-Oh, my God, he is. -That thing's heading straight for us.

[Emma] Hey, hey. Listen to this.

One short hoot, I am going to starboard.

Brackets to the right.

Two short hoots, I am going to port. Brackets to the left.

Three short hoots, I am going astern. Brackets…

You've given him three short hoots, haven't you?

-Probably. -Well, that means you're going backwards.

-I'm not going backwards. -No, I know you aren't.

But you've just told him that you are.

[horn blowing]

And two short hoots, that means. That means-- That means--

[June] It means get out of his bloody way.

-Wait. Right, give him four short hoots. -Four?

-It means I am unable to manoeuvre. -Just about sums it up, really.

[horn blowing]

-That's it. -[horn blows]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that one.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that one.

[Emma] No, you shouldn't have done that.

Four short hoots, followed by one short hoot means

"I am turning completely around to starboard."

-Whereas four-- -[ship horn blowing]

-Oh, my God. Look out! -[Emma screams]

[metal crunching]

[mellow piano music playing]

-All right? -Yes.

[engine revving]

Try it again, now.

[June] What's going on?

-We are just a bit stuck. -Stuck?

You mean you've run us aground?

-Yes. -No.

-Oh. -Fine, you've run us aground.

It's hopeless. I think we really are stuck.

This man has actually run us aground.

-Oh, do shut up, June. -This is unbelievable.

In the space of two minutes, we've been practically mown down.

-And now we're shipwrecked. -No, we are not shipwrecked.

Help! [echoes]

Can somebody help us, please? [shouts echoing]

Help! Help! [echoing continues]

-Help! -Would you please shut up, June?

I'm trying to attract someone's attention.

-Well, there's nobody here, is there? -[man] Hello?

[mellow music playing]

Ahoy.

Hello?

-Do you need any help? -Oh.

Thank you. Thank you very, very much.

We must certainly do.

[mellow music playing]

[water splashing]

[boat creaking]

[grunting]

What an amazing man.

He's pushing the boat.

Look, he's pushing the boat.

[splashes]

-There she floats. -Well done.

Bravo.

-Are you the Skipper? -Ah, no. I'm just a temporary Skipper.

-[Vince] You're going upstream? -That's the idea.

-Would you mind if I suggested something? -[Alistair] What?

May I take her up to the next lock for you?

It gets a bit treacherous 'round here.

-Oh, well-- -Yes! Do, please do.

-Do you have a boat of your own? -Not anymore.

I used to have a 42 foot convertible flying bridge twin cruiser.

Coastal cruising mostly.

Did a good few hundred miles in her, I can tell you.

-The Med, all over. -[June] Hmm.

-What do you do, Mr Grant, for a living? -Oh, call me Vince.

I'm what you might describe as a victim of the system.

Mm? Oh, dear.

[June] How sad.

You're in business, are you?

Yes, my husband and Mr Wingate are in partnership.

We have a small factory, novelty goods.

-Are you on holiday? -Permanently.

What I always say is, life is a holiday.

[June chuckles] How true, how true.

-Life is a holiday from death. -Ah.

-Water fowl, you see? -Oh, yes.

Sweet.

You always been a Managing Director, then?

Oh. No, that's quite recent. Um--

Actually, I was in the show business before that. [chuckles]

-Were you now? -I was a singer, principally.

Well, we were a group actually, very young at the time.

We, uh, got our first professional engagement in Torquey,

-would you believe? -Know it well.

That's where I met my husband, actually.

I think he was responsible for booking us.

We only did one season. [chuckles] I don't think we were frightfully good.

Anyway, soon after that, I married my husband.

And that was the end of my show business career.

[Vince] A great story. It's a wonderful world, show business.

Could that be your husband?

Yes. Yes, that's him.

Spot a Managing Director anywhere.

-Hello. -Hello.

We've got a new member of the crew.

[tense music playing]

Vince, this is Keith. Keith, this is Vince.

Keith is my husband. Vince is a white knight.

[Keith] White knight? What do you mean, white knight?

[June] He rescued us when we ran aground.

-[Keith] You did what? -[June] Alistair ran it aground.

[Keith] Ran it aground?

[mysterious voice] Alistair.

[suspenseful music playing]

How on earth did you run it aground?

A slight misunderstanding of river etiquette.

[Vince] Don't carry on, Skipper. It could have happened to anyone.

-[June] This man's been simply wonderful. -[Vince] Not at all.

Would you care for a drink?

-A drink? -With us.

Would you like to buy yourself a drink, on me? Here.

Oh, no, Skipper. No, please. I never accept payment.

-Not for good turns. -Oh. Oh, well.

I'm sorry. Fine.

It's a little rule of mine, if it's all the same for you.

[lively music playing]

-[Keith] All right. -[June] Yes? Did you?

[Keith] Yes.

[June] Just typical. He tips everyone, quite indiscriminately.

[June talking indistinctly]

[Keith] There's no such person as a man you don't tip.

We'd better get underway.

[June] I think if you're going to thank him, you should do it properly.

You should ask him back on board, and offer him a drink.

We don't want to ask him back on board.

We don't know who he is.

He is a thoughtful, kind human being who went out of his way to help us.

See you, then.

-[June] Bye. -[Keith] Goodbye.

[Vince] Bon voyage.

-[Alistair] Cheerio! Thanks again! -I say--

Hello?

We were just on the point of opening a bottle of wine. [chuckles]

-[Vince] Ah. -We usually have a glass around this time.

Would you care to join us?

Oh, my God.

[Vince] A, ah. What about that?

-[Keith] Ah-- -[Vince] Look at that.

[Keith] Very good, very good. Ooh, ooh, careful. Careful. Um--

[all laughing]

No, no, no. Enough's enough.

-I've imposed on you enough. -Rubbish.

Look, I only came on board for a drink, and I've had a couple of meals.

Mm. You utterly deserved it. Hasn't he, Keith?

Absolutely, least we could do.

Well, I didn't know what to say.

I know. The table makes into a bed.

We can make the table into a bed for you.

Well, thank you, June. God bless you.

-You've torn us off rock, single handed. -[chuckles]

You've steered us through dozens of locks.

-Three, three locks. -[June] All right, three locks.

-You've captained us magnificently. -No, no. He's not the captain.

No, he's the captain. I'm the pilot.

[Keith] Now get it right. He's the pilot.

-Well, whatever. -Only one Skipper, eh?

[Vince] Definitely. You're the Skipper.

[clears throat]

Well, good night. See you in the morning.

Thank you for your food, your wine, and your charming company.

[chuckles] It was nothing, sir.

-[Vince] Good night, Ginger Nut. -[June giggles]

She told you about that, did she?

-Were they really called that? -[chuckles]

Four red heads, a smile, and a song. [chuckles] They were dreadful.

-Lost me my job, actually. -Ah.

Uh, you didn't mind what I was saying earlier on about me being Skipper?

Not at all.

I mean, it's got to be sad. There's only one Skipper.

-Dead right. -You have to make it clear.

-Let people know who's the boss. -True.

I mean, I'm the Skipper. This is my boat.

-Sure. -And that's my wife. Okay?

Know what I'm saying?

My wife.

Certainly.

And there's nothing there for you. All right?

I never imagined there was, Skipper.

Good.

So.

Okay, no offence?

None taken, Skipper.

Only one false step, and I'll throw the book at you.

Good night.

Good night to you, Skipper.

[door opens, closes]

[whistling]

[ominous music playing]

[bubbling]

[thudding]

Come on, then! Let's be out at you!

[grunts]

-Good morning. Rise and shine. -What is it? What's the matter?

-'Morning to you, Skipper. -[grunting]

I'm sorry, did I startle you?

What time is it?

[Vince] Uh, 7:30, you said you wanted to be on the move early.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Uh… Sorry, I'm a bit uh…

-Skipper? -[Keith] Yes?

It just occurred to me, Skipper. I mean I don't know how you'll react to this,

but it might help if we try giving everyone a share of the responsibility.

How do you mean?

Well, someone at the helm one day, and someone in the galley the next.

Get more of a-a team feeling.

Good point.

I'm not altogether sure about Alistair going back on the helm, but--

[Vince] I mean, let's face it.

He's gonna be a liability wherever you put him.

I mean, he's not a river man, is he?

No, he's not a river man.

Well, let's say Emma at the helm, and Alistair in the galley.

Yes. Right.

-What about me? -Yes, of course. Now what's left?

-Deck maintenance. -Deck maintenance?

Make with the old mopping buckets, show them the Skipper can muck in.

Okay. Just for today, this is?

Oh, yes. Tomorrow we'll all move 'round.

What about June?

Well, we could start her on cabin maintenance.

-What? -[Vince] Tidying up.

You're joking.

[laughs] Don't blame me. Take it up with the Skipper.

[tense music playing]

-[gasps] -'Morning, Cookie.

Good morning.

Skipper's decided you're gonna take the helm today, Emma.

-Me? -Everyone's gonna take turns.

-Oh, no. -Nothing to it. I'll show you.

You mean you want me to take it through locks and things?

[Vince] Naturally. Oh, you can tell Alistair he's cook for the day.

-Cook? -Yes.

-Alistair? -[Vince] Yes.

God.

[footsteps thumping]

[shower running]

[Vince] Ow.

Okay, what do I do?

Right. Sit here.

Now, the first thing to do is to start your engine.

-Now there's your ignition. -[Emma] Yes.

[Vince] First, check that you're in neutral

-by doing that, like that. -[Emma] All right.

[Vince] And now your key.

[engine cranks]

Good. Well done, Cookie.

-[Emma] Yes. You don't have to do that. -[Vince] What?

Keep holding on to me. Please don't do that.

-I can manage, thank you. -I'm sorry?

Please don't. I don't like it, thank you.

-Oh, I beg your pardon. I'm sorry. -It's all right.

-[Alistair] Emma, did you say cooking? -Yes.

-Right. What am I cooking? -Whatever you want.

-You're the cook. -Oh, no, I'm not, you know.

-[chuckling] -Oh, no, he's not, you know.

Now, can somebody tell me what I've got in my hand here?

-Piece of rope. -Incorrect. This is not a rope.

It may be what you call it a rope, but it is not called a rope.

-On the river, it is called a scuff. -What?

Now you notice that both your scuffs are attached

to a metal ring, this, which we call a piggle.

I didn't know that.

Now you attach your scuff to your piggle

by inserting it through the piggle, like so,

and then tying it off with two half semi stanchions, or sheep shackles.

-All right? -[Alistair] Really?

And you do the same thing there, will you?

I've never heard of any of this.

Then pay attention, and you'll learn something.

Now, to the boat itself.

Now this is divided, you'll notice,

into various areas, all of which have names.

Now the names that they print in the brochures,

they're not the correct names

that any self-respecting boat owner would normally use.

This deck area here is your gaff deck, the gaff deck.

Immediately below the area beneath that, we refer to as the scuppers.

Now, you two are sleeping in the scuppers.

I thought we were.

Moving along.

The weevil deck, all right?

Beneath that, what you call the saloon, and we call the mizon.

[Emma] What do you call the kitchen, then?

It's called the galley, Cookie.

You knew that, didn't you?

Now this deck area here, the so-called cockpit,

is in fact your kedge deck.

Now further astern, stepping onto the roof of the poop cabin.

Below me is called the poop cabin.

This deck area here is called the dodger.

And here, right at the very, very stern, this area here we call the snuffle deck.

Well, for obvious reasons.

Now finally, the long narrow corridor running from your snuffle,

down each side of your dodger, 'round your kedge…

Are you listening?

…forward again, past your weevil, and meeting at your gaff,

are your port and starboard squeezes. Mm?

Well, they speak for themselves.

Are you sure about this?

-What's the matter? -Well, it's just that I--

Well, I've never actually heard of any of these. Uh--

-Well, I've heard of them, but-- -What are you saying?

-[Alistair] Well, I'm saying I found-- -I'm sorry.

I… I don't quite see what you're saying.

Well, um--

-Nothing. -Good.

Should we get it a try?

-Right, start engines. -Start engines.

[engines start]

Good. Well done, Cookie. Right.

When I say go, both of you unfasten your scuffs,

pull them clear of your piggles, then wait for the command to board.

And as soon as you're there, you shout out,

"Bow scuff aboard, Skipper," so she can hear you.

All right, off you go as quick as you can.

-Bow board. -Is that me that does that?

[Vince] Yes, you should come on quick as you can.

-Right, done it. -[Vince] Good, now what do you say?

-Aboard scuff, Skipper. -[Vince] No, bow scuff aboard, Skipper.

-I'm sorry. -[Vince] All right, say it.

Bow scuff aboard, Skipper.

[Vince] Good. Well done, Ginger. All right.

Oi, oi, oi. What are you doing now?

I'm getting on board, or the boat'll go without me.

-[Vince] What have you got in your hand? -A rope.

-A what? -A scuff.

[Vince] And what's your scuff attached to?

The boat. Uh, the, um, snuffle deck.

[Vince] So if you hold on to that, you'll be all right won't you?

Now, wait for the command.

What deck you standing on?

Oh, hang on, it's like rice and paella. No, um--

-[Vince] Kedge! -Kedgery. Kedge, that's it.

[Vince] All right. Stern aboard with your scuff. Off you go then.

Come on, Alistair.

I think we'll call you Lightning, Lightning Wingate.

Okay. Right, I'm here.

Stern scuff aboard, Skipper.

Stern scuff, and loudly. She's got an engine running.

Stern scuff aboard, Skipper.

I can't hear him. Can you hear him? Say it louder.

-Stern scuff aboard, Skipper. -Again, louder.

-[Emma] I can hear him. -Come on, again.

Oh, bugger this.

Oh, we now have a stern scuff ready to tangle around our propeller.

Brilliant. Good thinking, Lightning.

Look, I've not come on holiday to be shouted out. I'm sorry.

But I'm not.

Oh, come on, Alistair. Don't be so weedy.

Alistair.

Oh, Alistair.

Do you want to take over? Is that what you want?

What's all the noise?

-What's going on up here? -Skipper.

We can have a demonstration for the Skipper.

-Start engines. -[Emma] Start engines.

[lively music playing]

Bow aboard.

-Bow scuff aboard, Skipper. -Stern aboard.

-Stern scuff aboard, Skipper. -Go ahead, helm.

[Emma] Go ahead.

Pull your scuff neatly into the boat.

-All present and correct, Skipper. -Well done.

-Weren't we good? -Brilliant.

He's terrific. He knows everything.

Well, I suppose I'd better do my bit then.

-[Emma] You can mop the kedge. -Do what?

-[Emma] This bit, the kedge. -You mean the cockpit?

It's usually called the kedge, Skipper.

-Is it? -Normally.

Well, you will probably do this, and the dodger, and possibly even the weevil.

But I wouldn't try the squeezes, or the gaff till we're stationary.

-No, no. You're probably right. -[chuckling]

You're handling her very well, Cookie, very well.

-[Emma] Thank you. -Gonna make a very good helmsmen.

What are you cooking up for lunch today, Lightning?

-[Alistair] Stew. -Delicious.

Isn't that a long business, making a stew?

-Only if the tin opener jams. -[chuckles]

-[bird chirping] -[Emma] What's that bird?

It's a guillemot.

-A guillemot? -Yeah.

-Where's that book? -Come on, Skip. Give me some elbow.

-[laughing] -[lively music playing]

Hello! Hello!

Hello!

Emergency.

[lively music continues playing]

Looks as if I'm gonna have to go back.

[June] Oh, no. For how long?

Just I'll this evening. I've got to sort it out.

-[June] Is it serious? -Looks like we're having a strike.

-A strike? -Oh, no.

Biggest order period of the year, and they decide to strike.

-Bastards. -Well--

The ingratitude that gets me, the sheer ingratitude of these people.

I know. I know.

Well, my God. They'd be unemployed, but for us.

I know. I know.

That's why I had to catch you early, you see.

Quite right, Mrs Hatfield. You did right.

-In order to be back by two, you see. -[Keith] Quite.

Because after that, of course, I'll be out as well.

-What's that? -[Mrs Hatfield] I'll be on strike, too.

It's unanimous, you see.

You'll be on strike?

Don't be ridiculous, Mrs Hatfield. You're one of us.

No. Technically, Mrs Taylor, I'm actually one of them.

What the hell are you wearing, anyway?

I'll leave Vince in charge.

There's no point in leaving you in charge, is there?

Nope.

I'll have something to say to you when I get back.

You're a broken reed, man, a broken reed.

And in future, will you kindly come dressed for the office,

and not like some renegade garage mechanic.

-You're not going with him, I take it. -I don't think I'd be much use.

The trouble is I can see both their points of view.

-Well, isn't that a good thing? -Not in this case.

It means they wouldn't listen to me, anyway.

The only people to get heard in this world are extremists.

They're the only ones with the energy to shout loud enough.

Oh, wonderful. Just wonderful.

Well, I'm going to start lunch

before Vince decides to have key-holding practice.

[sombre music playing]

[bird chirping]

Ahoy.

Guess who I met?

My very good friend, that's who I met.

-This is Fleur. -Hi.

-Hello. -How nice.

What have you bought, for goodness sake?

Well, I thought we all might like to celebrate, so I…

-I bought some grog. -[June] Grog?

Well, Merdoc, Chabli, and Serta, and that sort of grog.

-[Emma] Did you get the eggs? -Nor I did.

[Emma] The bread? The milk?

Damn, I knew there was something else.

[June] How much booze have you bought?

-How much money did you give me? -Thirty pounds.

-Well, that's what it must've cost me. -[Fleur] Ah.

-[Vince] What is it? -[bird singing]

-It's a grebe. -A what?

-Grebe, crested grebe. -[Emma] Who is she?

[Vince] Friend of mine. Make a lot of friends on the river.

Lovely bird. It's a lovely, lovely bird.

-[Vince] Fleur! -[Fleur] Oh, don't do that, Vince.

[Vince] Come on, we're gonna have a party.

Just a minute. Who says we're having a party?

[Fleur] Oh, he's always having a party.

Well, we're not having a party. Alistair?

-[Alistair] A party? Are we? -Mm.

[upbeat music playing]

-Hello. -Hello.

-Don't you like parties, then? -Well, sometimes.

You should come down.

There's all us women, and just Vince. It's terrible.

I'm sure he can manage.

Oh, well, yes. With Vince, it's the more the merrier.

[Alistair chuckles]

I've had threesomes, and foursomes, and fivesomes.

Actually, it can be very unhygienic.

You married to Ginger or the other one?

-The other one, to Emma. -Yes.

I thought you would be.

-Why? -Oh, I don't know.

You look suited.

-What do you do? -When?

-For a living? -Nothing to speak off.

-Oh. You're unemployed, are you? -No. I'm very rich, really.

I've got a lot of property.

And I let that to people at vast rents.

-So I don't have to worry. -Oh.

-A capitalist, you see? -Ah.

My father's incredibly rich. He's the richest person I know.

That's the only way to be, really, isn't it?

[chuckles]

You look very unhappy, you know.

He's quite a man, isn't he, Vince?

They're always attractive, positive people.

I try to be positive.

It's not that I don't want to be positive.

But even when I have positive ideas, I find it hard to be positive about them.

Yesterday, for instance, I had this thought

that one day Emma and I would take a boat out on our own.

And we'd go up the river together, way up stream.

And we'd find a really quiet bit,

and one baking hot afternoon, we'd both dive off the boat…

without any clothes on, you know.

-Naked? -Yes, naked.

And we'd swim around for a bit.

And then we'd crawl ashore onto the grass in the rushes, and we'd…

-you know? -[Fleur] Make love?

[Alistair] That's it.

You see I can say it to you, a complete stranger.

But when I try to tell Emma--

[Fleur] You should have told her.

She'd have liked it.

Well, no. I don't think she'd have been very interested, really.

-[Fleur] Why not? -She can't swim.

All right.

-Want to give it a try? -What?

A swim? Coming for a swim?

-Hang on. -What?

Don't do that, please.

Please don't take this the wrong way, will you?

But it sort of has to be with Emma, you see?

I mean you're terribly attractive and nice, but-- Oh, God.

-But it has to be with Emma. -[Vince] Yes.

Okay.

Fine.

No more to say then, is there?

Sorry.

-[upbeat music playing] -[Vince laughing]

-Hello, Lightning. -Hello.

-Give Lightning a glass. -No.

Oh, come on, Alistair. Just for once enjoy yourself.

Here, have a drink. Here take it.

-[Vince] You know what'll happen? -Oh, yes, I know what'll happen.

-Isn't this a terrific party, Cookie? -Yes, it's a terrific party, Vince.

Come on, Ginger. Now, what are we waiting for?

Get 'em off.

-Now listen. -[Vince] Bravo. Bring on the Ginger.

No, no. Listen, listen.

Um, you're gonna have to use your imagination.

-Shame! -Come on!

-Rubbish! -You've got to imagine I'm 17.

-Whoo! -Oh, dear.

[clears throat] All right.

Radio off.

-[music stops] -Ready?

-Ready. -[both] Ready.

[all cheering]

♪ There's a place I want to be ♪

♪ Crazy place that's part of me ♪

♪ Deep within the heart of me, but ♪

♪ I wander ♪

♪ Right through the dream That never dies ♪

♪ Where the lights of the night ♪

♪ Are as bright as my sights Are aimed high ♪

[Vince, Emma, Fleur cheering]

[June singing in the distance]

♪ It's now or never I'm moving on ♪

♪ It's where I run out of luck And know I'm not far ♪

♪ It's now or never ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ I've lived the rest of my life It's now or never ♪

♪ It's now or never ♪

♪ Whatever's next coming up ♪

[Keith yells] June! What are you doing?

[man] Oh, here comes trouble.

What the hell are you doing?

-It's cabaret time. -Would you like a drink?

And who the hell is that?

[Vince] This is a friend of mine. Fleur this is--

[Keith] June, will you put some bloody clothes on, please?

Oh, come on, Keith. We're having a bit of fun, that's all.

-Fun? -She was showing us her Ginger Nut skill.

[all laughing]

Now that's quite enough from you.

Oh, come on Keith. Don't you remember?

♪ It's now or never ♪

Listen, June. I have not had a good day.

In fact, I've had the worst day of my life.

I have spent four hours this afternoon

with my face pressed up against a wire fence,

attempting to negotiate with Ray Duffy.

I am tired, I am angry, and I am frustrated.

The last thing I want is to come back to witness the spectacle of my wife,

prancing around half naked on the roof of a rented boat,

making a complete and utter bloody idiot of herself

in front of an audience of 200 bloody strangers.

-[Vince, Emma, Fleur laughing] -Now will you get down from there at once?

You are pathetic and embarrassing.

[Vince, Emma, Fleur continue laughing]

How dare you speak to me like that?

How dare you, you despicable little man?

Easy on, Skipper.

And you're off this boat as of now. I've got your number.

Skipper says we have to go, we have to go.

-Nonsense. -Hey, he's the Skipper.

Oh, come on, Vince.

No, listen. Let me explain. Now, you're a crew.

And you've elected a certain person as your Skipper.

-Elected? We didn't elect him. -[Vince] Didn't you?

-No, of course not. He just took over. -We certainly did not elect him.

Yes, but nonetheless.

No, Alistair and I paid for half of this boat.

We're just as entitled to be called Skippers.

Yes, but you can't have four Skippers, can you?

[clicks tongue] Well, we ought to elect somebody then.

[Emma] Let's do that.

[Keith] What the hell are you all talking about?

-There's his hat. It's up for grabs. -Now don't do that.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Don't touch it.

Not till you've been elected.

Do you wish to be considered for election?

I don't need to be elected. That's my hat.

[June] Keith would like to be considered.

Any more candidates? Emma? Alistair?

Well, I would like to propose Vince as Skipper.

-[Vince] Ah, no, no. -[Keith] Vince? Now listen.

[June] All those in favour of Keith as Skipper?

Could we have a show of hands, please?

[Keith] I'm warning you, June.

[June] Any votes for Keith?

No?

You know, I don't think anyone's voted for you at all, Keith.

[Vince] No, I-I-I vote for the Skipper. I'll stick with the Skipper.

Thank you very much, indeed.

Now, votes for Vince. Any votes for Vince?

Well…

That looks like it. Vince is our Skipper.

-Oh, no, he isn't. -It was a fair vote.

It, uh, did look rather unanimous, Keith.

Wait a minute. He'll vote for me, won't you?

[June] Alistair?

Do you want to vote for Keith?

Well, yes.

-And no, really. -[Keith] Oh, my God.

[Vince laughing]

[June] Congratulations to our new Skipper.

Well.

Very reluctantly.

[June] To the new Skipper.

-The Skipper. -The Skipper.

[Keith] I'm not accepting this, you know.

Tomorrow morning, I am bringing in the law.

You have not heard the last of this, not by a long shot.

-This is mutiny, you know? -[laughter]

Legally, it is mutiny.

Deposing a captain of his ship against his will is mutiny.

[crowd applauds]

[mellow piano music playing]

[Fleur] Hey.

Would you mind telling me where I fit into this jolly little crew?

-First mate. -Oh, goody.

[sniffs] I think I better go and cheer up my crew.

-Have a good time. -Right.

Oh, Vince, no.

I'm gonna go out and teach them some knots.

Come and join us.

Did you say we're going upstream?

Yep.

Good. I can look for that kingfisher.

-[June gasps] -[Vince] Hello.

I think you need a little naval discipline.

[June] Oh.

[birds singing]

[Vince] Fleur!

Where the hell are you?

[tense music playing]

Fleur at the helm, if you please.

Ginger, deck maintenance.

-Oh, really? -If you please?

Terribly chilly for that.

-Lightning, cabin maintenance. -Right.

-Cookie. -[Emma] Yes?

In the galley.

Oh, really? I thought we were moving 'round.

We are, Cookie, but we are moving in mysterious ways,

as the hymnbook would have it.

Well, it's just that I don't want to get stuck.

-Cookie. -Yes?

If you don't want to pull your weight on this boat, that's fine.

But in that case, it wouldn't be very fair, would it,

to expect this boat to pull your weight?

So if you'd like a little walk along the toe path,

just say the word, and we'll drop you off. All right.

Oh, I see. Terrific.

-Cookie? -Yes?

Should get in the habit of saying Skipper, shall we?

Now, we don't want to get sloppy, do we?

No, Skipper.

[tense music playing]

[Keith] Good morning!

-Full ahead. -Full ahead, Skipper.

Well, I don't know about you.

But Keith Taylor had an excellent night at a very reasonable hotel.

He had a first class breakfast.

So all in all, Keith Taylor is happy to look on last night

as a moment of relapse in an otherwise perfect holiday.

True, his businesses in ruins.

His workers are, even now, looting and pillaging his factory,

apparently with the full blessing of the law.

But nonetheless, he is not going to let that effect

what might be the last holiday he can ever afford. Ah!

He's going to enjoy himself. May he come aboard, please?

-Full ahead. -Full ahead.

What are you doing?

-We're just going to leave him there? -Bye.

-[horn honks] -[breaks squealing]

Right! I'm fetching the police, the police this time!

This is all your fault, Wingate, damn you!

You just stood by, didn't you? You've given me no support!

Not at the factory, not here!

You spineless little rat!

-[Alistair] Me? -[Keith] That's it! We're through!

Partnership dissolved, friendship dissolved!

I'm suing you for everything you've got!

[Vince] Full ahead as she goes, helmsman!

[Fleur] Full ahead, Skipper.

[Vince] Lightning, you are idling about doing nothing!

You're on half rations!

-[Vince] Cookie! -[Emma] Yes, Skipper.

[Vince] Take note that Lightning is on half rations till further notice.

[Emma] Tell him, looking at this curry, he's extremely lucky, Skipper.

[thunder rumbling]

[June] Are we stopping soon? We've been going nonstop all day, Skipper.

[Vince] Got to keep up the schedule, Ginger.

[June] What's that up ahead, Skipper?

[Vince] Paupers Lock, highest lock on the river.

[June] Poppers, as in fish?

[Vince] No, paupers as in victim of the system.

Take the port channel here, helmsman.

-[Fleur] That's the weir, Skipper. -[Vince] Yes.

[Fleur] Starboard channel's the lock.

[Vince] Yes, I know what I'm doing. Thank you, helmsman.

[Fleur] Sorry I asked, Skipper.

[Vince] Right, standby for mooring, fore and aft!

[Fleur] Ugh, God.

[Vince] Come on, Lightning! Come on!

[engine rumbling]

Oh, hell.

-This isn't a very good place to moor. -[Vince] Hang on there.

[engine continues rumbling]

-[Alistair] This is an island, isn't it? -[Vince] That's right.

And as soon as you scuff, I want to show you something.

[Alistair] Oh, right. Here, catch.

-Full astern. -[Fleur] Full astern.

[engine rumbles]

-[Alistair] Hey, what's happening? -[June] Hey, wait a minute.

Hi. Help, I say.

[June] You left Alistair.

[Alistair] Hi. Help, I say.

-[Vince] Full ahead. -[Fleur] Full ahead.

-[Vince] Stop engine. -[Fleur] Stop engine.

[water splashes]

-What's happening? What was that? -It's the kedge anchor.

He told us a kedge was a deck.

Oh, it wouldn't believe anything Vince says.

He wrecked daddy's boat.

I say. Don't forget me, will you?

What is Alistair doing over there?

Hello.

I seemed to be marooned.

Vince, what is Alistair doing there?

[Alistair] Hello?

-[Vince] Lightning? -Yes?

It was the opinion of the crew, Lightning,

that you were getting a bit soft, a bit flabby you see?

Oh, yes?

So we thought you could do with a touch

of the Duke of Edinburgh awards, all right?

Just a minute.

What is my husband doing, marooned on an island?

We're toughening him up for you, Cookie. He's soft.

Skipper, I married him soft. And I like him that way.

And if you leave him all night on that island in this temperature,

he will die of pneumonia.

Now get him back on board, please… Skipper.

-Please. -Request denied, Cookie. Start the supper.

Now, listen.

Tomorrow, we'll be returning downstream.

Now, this entails turning the whole boat the other way around.

So what is now our port side, will become our starboard.

And what is now our stern will become our bow.

So, as from tomorrow,

starboard, port.

Similarly, forward, aft. All right?

Carry on.

-He's mad. He's totally mad. -Sounds quite logical to me.

I'm on board a boat with a mad man.

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

[male voice yelling] Wingate! Alistair Wingate!

Hello?

Keith Taylor is going to hound you, Wingate.

He's gonna hound you for the rest of your life.

Oh, Lord.

[Vince singing] ♪ There's a place I want to be ♪

[June] ♪ There's a place that's part of me ♪

-[both] ♪ Deep within the heart of me ♪ -[ducks quacking]

-[Vince laughing] -[ducks continue quacking]

[Emma] Alistair.

-Alistair? -[Alistair] Emma?

-[Emma] I got you a tin of beans. -Ah.

Alistair. They're all in bed together.

-[Alistair] Yes. -They wanted me, too.

-[Alistair] What did you say? -I said I had to do the washing up.

Alistair, what's happening?

I think it's called the final collapse of civilisation as we know it.

Here, catch.

[gasps]

-Got them. -Good.

-[Vince] Hello, hello. -[Emma gasps]

[tense music playing]

-[Emma] I was… I was just-- -[thumps]

[Vince] He'll need this.

[Emma] Thank you.

[water splashes]

I think we're gonna have to deal with you in the morning.

Now, look, you are not frightening me.

Not, not.

[Fleur] We could make her walk the plank.

That'd be great fun. Happens on all the best pirate ships.

-[Vince] The plank it shall be. -I'm not--

I am certainly not planking.

I'm sorry. No, sorry.

Oh, my!

Nighty night, Lightning. Enjoy your supper, won't you?

[water splashes]

[thunder rumbling]

Very nice.

Come on, June. Time we were away.

-I want to be at Armageddon by noon. -Ooh.

I think I slept on something awful to my back.

-On the bow anchor, if you please. -Yes, Skipper.

-Stern. -Shut up.

-'Morning, Lightning. -Good morning.

[Vince] Haul away, Ginger.

-Sorry, I can't. -Half rations for Ginger.

[Fleur] Half rations for Ginger.

It's no good, Vince. I'm a woman. Women are meant to haul anchors.

-Quarter rations for Ginger. -Quarter rations for Ginger.

-Seriously, Vince. Enough's enough. -"Yes, Skipper."

When you talk to me, you will say, "Yes, Skipper," or "No, Skipper."

Have you got that through your thick head,

you stupid, ugly, middle aged, ginger tart?

[yelling] Have you?

Yes, Skipper.

[Vince] I will have discipline on my boat.

-Where is Cookie? -[thudding]

Where's our Cookie hiding this morning?

-[tense music playing] -[gasps]

Good morning.

Good morning, Skipper.

I think it's about plank-walking time, don't you?

Look, listen.

I think this whole thing is very silly, and getting out of hand.

And I wish to say--

[Fleur] Only one snag. We haven't got a plank.

What do you mean, we haven't got a plank?

[suspenseful music playing]

[grunting, yelling]

-Hello. -[Emma] Hello.

-Rotten morning. -Yes.

You mustn't worry. He's only… he won't.

[gasps]

Now look, this is a rented boat, you know.

-You just can't go around-- -Cookie.

[shushing]

[water rushing]

[tense music playing]

She'll be all right, won't she?

-I mean, you're not going to-- -All right.

Here we go. Come on.

Come on, man. Alistair.

Alistair!

You'll be okay, Emma! You'll be fine!

[Vince] Ah. Do you want me to give you a hand or something?

Alistair--

And another.

-[Emma gasps] -[Vince] Long way to go yet.

-[Fleur] Come on. -[June] You're not going to--

I mean, she'll fall in.

Alistair, please help me.

Uh… it's, um, it's a bit…

Go on, and again.

It's okay, Emma!

Alistair, it is not okay!

In another 15 seconds, I'm gonna step of a plank into a river!

-And again. -Go on, again!

[tense music playing]

Oh, Alistair. In another five seconds, I'm going to drown.

In another…

In another five seconds I'm going to drown.

I'm going to die!

Yes, well I, uh--

Oh, hell.

[Fleur] Come on. Three or four more steps.

-There's plenty to go yet. -[Vince] Now, one more step!

[suspenseful music playing]

Alistair, please help me!

Please, please help me!

All right, uh, all right.

Stop that!

I'm afraid you're gonna have to stop this, please!

Sorry!

Stop it!

You mind your own business, Lightning.

I said stop it, and I mean stop it. Now, stop it!

That is my wife on that plank, my wife whom I love.

So we'd like our boat back please.

No, I mean, you can have the boat. Have all our things. I don't care.

But I'd like my wife back.

Thank you.

I don't think you've quite grasped the rules of the sea, Lightning.

Nobody leaves their ship without the Skipper's permission.

So the only way you're gonna get Cookie back,

is to take her from me.

You care to try, Lightning?

-Yes! -What?

I care to try, yes!

Oh, Alistair.

He'll kill you.

[thunder rumbling]

[water splashes]

[sombre music playing]

I'm gonna do you a favour, Lightning.

When I fight, which I've been known to do a lot of in my time,

I don't usually tell people in advance what I'm gonna do to them.

I like to make it a surprise.

But in your case, I'm gonna be friendly.

So number one, I'm gonna break your nose, all right?

Yes.

Number two, you're gonna lose about four of your front teeth.

Fine. Yeah.

And number three,

I'm gonna smash one of your arms,

and make sure that you limp for the rest of your life.

That sounds very reasonable.

Well?

[grunting]

Oh, it's appalling.

[grunting]

[grunting]

Somebody ought to stop this.

[grunts]

Go on, Vince! Kill him!

[thumping]

[maritime music playing]

[thumping]

[water rushing]

[Emma] No! No!

No, Alistair! Please, no!

Oh, Alistair!

[grunting]

No! No, Vince! No, please no!

No! No, Vince, no!

Alistair!

No!

No.

[bubbling]

[Fleur] Vince!

-Vince! -What?

Don't move, Vince, whatever you do!

-What is it? -It's the kingfisher!

Where?

[suspenseful music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

-[water splashes] -[bird tweeting]

Oh, now look what you've done, you… Vince!

Vince!

Vince. Oh, my God, he's killed Vince.

My God, the bastard.

Go on, then. Go in, and get him.

-Well, you go in. -[Fleur] I'm not going in, I'll get wet.

Oh, Alistair. Alistair.

-[grunts] -[crying]

Back again. [laughs]

Oh, no, you don't. You keep of this boat.

-What? -Keep away, I warn you.

I'll cut you if you come any closer.

I will. I'll cut you.

-Look, all I want is some first aid. -Right.

There's a bandage and there's a tube of something.

Now, keep away.

[scraping]

[upbeat music playing]

-[Emma] Upstream or downstream? -[Alistair] I don't know.

[Emma] Come on, you're the Skipper. Up or down?

[Alistair] Up. Upstream, of course.

[upbeat music continues playing]

[engine boat humming]

-[suspenseful music playing] -I'm going to hound you, Wingate.

Keith Taylor is going to hound you.

[heels tapping]

You can't go under the bridge, Alistair.

It's one of the things you should have learned.

[gun cocks]

[gun firing]

[both sigh]

[woman singing] ♪ We're going to get you ♪

♪ We're going to get you ♪

-♪ We're going to get you ♪ -[gasps]

Say your prayers, you middle-class vermin.

-[hissing] -[dramatic music playing]

[hissing]

[Emma screaming]

[screaming]

[panting]

[sighs]

[water rushing]

[Alistair screaming]

[Vince, in distorted voice] I want my boat back.

Lightning, I want my boat back.

-[Alistair screaming] -Alistair?

Alistair?

Wake up, wake up, Alistair. Alistair, it's all right.

It's all over, all over now.

-[Emma shushing] -[panting]

-It's all over. -[engine rumbling]

-Emma? -Yes?

Who's driving the boat?

[mellow piano music playing]

[gasps] Oh, my God!

-[metal crunching] -[wood breaking]

[birds chirping]

Alistair, where are we?

[Alistair] We seem to have discovered the absolute limit of navigation.

[birds continue chirping]

[Emma] Should we stay here?

They'd never find us so far up stream.

[Alistair] No, we'll have to go back.

[Emma] They're all… They're all so unreasonable.

[Alistair] Then we reasonable people

will just have to go back and reason with them.

[both chuckle]

-[Emma] It's just so beautiful here. -Well…

We could have a holiday.

No harm in that.

All right.

What do you want to do for your holiday?

I don't know.

[birds continue chirping]

What's the matter?

I'd forgotten how beautiful you were without your life jacket.

-[bright music playing] -[splashes]

[Emma] Oh. Oh. Oh.

[both laughing]

[music ends]