All language subtitles for The.Peoples.Joker.2022.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264 (SDH)

(mysterious music)

(insects chirping)

(mysterious music continues)

(no audio)

(dramatic music)
(tape whirring)

(pumpkin clattering)

(dramatic music)

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Heaven's prison.
- Come see them.

(siren blaring)
- Grape taste.

- [News Reporter] I've never
seen something like this.

- Get it.
(dramatic music)

(siren blaring)
- A noticeable difference

from the cyber war, Lois,

is the number of extremists
dressed as clowns.

- [Announcer] Is your sad
wife making it difficult

for you to enjoy golf?
(gentle poignant music)

Once daily Smylex can help.
(gentle triumphant music)

- Do you know what this movement

is really about?
(gentle suspenseful music)

The transsexual
reptilian agenda.

(tape whirs)
- I always told her

to smile more, now
she's smiling more.

- [Announcer] Smylex can cause
loss of blood from the eyes.

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(gentle music)
- And I'd bet dollars

to donuts that sick clown,
Joker, the Harlequin,

as that thing calls itself,

is a Manchurian candidate
(Joker chuckles)

activated by the globalists

that are actually
pulling the strings.

Folks, you know I've been
critical of Bruce Wayne

and the homosexual
leftist dystopia that he

and that facially bifurcated
bitch running mate of his

want to reduce this country to,

but I stand here today pleading,
where on earth is Batman?

And when will he
stop this madness?

(upbeat music)
(fire blazing)

(crowd cheering)

(fire blazes)

(crowd cheering and laughing)

(crowd shrieking)

(audience laughs)

- That laugh was a six,
I need you at an 11.

(audience laughs)
Goddammit.

- I need everybody at home

to think you are
laughing so hard

you are pissing in your pants,
- Cue the opening titles.

- you little piss freaks.
- We go live in

10.
- Live from Downtown Gotham,

it's "UCB Live!"
(audience claps)

(calm upbeat music)

(tape clicks)
(tape whirring)

- As far back as I can remember,

(tape whirring)
(dramatic music)

I always wanted to be a Joker.

(upbeat music)

In the days before the
American Dream sputtered

its last breath, the
most a kid could hope for

in the Midwest was a two parent
household and basic cable.

Technically, I had both.
(TV blaring)

- Don't sit so close to
the TV, you'll go blind.

- (sighs) At least I had cable

- 'cause honey you
should be smiling more.

(calm upbeat music)
- Live from Downtown Gotham,

it's "UCB Live"

with TJ Stiller,
(upbeat music)

Bil Sabatino,

Senator Al Franken,

Ra's al Ghul,

and The Harlequins,

with musical guest,
Sinead O'Connor.

Please welcome tonight's host,
- I can't believe

this show is still on.
- President Lex Luther.

(audience claps and cheers)
- Live from

the United Clown Bureau
in downtown Gotham City,

it's "UCB!"

- (beep), what in God's
name are you doing?

What have I told you
about jumping on the bed?

You could fall, break your
neck, be paralyzed for life,

is that what you want?

- No, I was just trying to-

- You were just trying
to split your head open?

- No, Mama, I just wanted-

- You wanted to bleed
out all over the floor

for me to find you, is that it?

(gentle pensive music)
Unbelievable.

- I'm sorry, Mama.

Honestly, a little
jumping on the bed

should have been the least
of my mother's concerns

'cause, you know,
I'm a, I'm trans,

and she just, you know, she
didn't know that at that point.

There isn't one moment where I,

I, like, realized
I was transgender.

I mean, do cis people
have one specific moment

where they realized
they were cis?

I mean, I don't
know, maybe you do.

I, I'm not gonna ask you
(calm music)

'cause it's none of my business,

and it's none of your business.

Anyway, uh, when I
figured out I was trans,

but when I look back on my life,

it's this, like,
blurry cracked mosaic

of, of, of all these tiny
(mirror cracking)

but very important
gender revelations.

(mirror shatters)

But who could have predicted
that the most important

of which would happen
when my mom took me

to see a movie about
everybody's favorite orphan.

(dramatic music)

(gentle suspenseful music)
- The cyber war

is officially over and
the movies are back, baby.

What you're about to
see is my first collab

with Queebso Entertainment.

The story of a man,
(calm music)

a Batman,

and a city infested
with cyber mutants.

Val Kilmer plays me.

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

- [Dr. Chase] What is it
about the wrong kinda man?

(dramatic music)
Mm.

You know how I feel about
rubber nipples, Bruce.

- I imagine when
most little boys

watched the
Bat-nipple love scene

from "Legends of
the Caped Crusader,"

they probably wanted to be
Batman and screw Nicole Kidman,

I'm sure this was a
sexual awakening for
a lot of young men.

But I watched it and I
wanted to be Nicole Kidman.

Was this why my
mom didn't usually

let me watch PG-13 movies?

Does every PG-13
movie make little boys

wanna become girls someday?

It took years of
moments like this

before the thought
of transitioning
even entered my head.

But, I mean, can you blame me?

When I was growing up, the
only people I saw on TV

that went from jokemen to
harlequin, so to speak,

were, at best, dead bodies
(calm music)

or sex workers on
police procedurals.

- You mean she's
a he? (screaming)

(gun fires)

(gentle suspenseful music)
- Or they were treated like

sideshow freaks on
daytime talk shows.

(audience claps and cheers)
- Creeper, creeper, creeper!

- Our next guest
claims to be a woman

trapped in a man's body.
(gentle music)

(audience jeering)
- Oh, (beep) you!

(beep) you, I'm not
here to entertain you.

Okay, I'm not your (beep) clown.

♪ There was a time ♪
(mirror beeping)

♪ When I had a good life ♪

- Mama, uh, can I
ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Uh, was I born
in the wrong body?

- What did you just say?

- Uh, I asked, was I
born in the wrong body?

(tires screeching)

- How could you
just ask me that?

- Uh, I, I don't know.

- How is that supposed
to make your mother feel?

- I'm really sorry.
(Mom exhales sharply)

No, Mama,
(tires screeching)

where are you going?

- You are very sick, (beep),

I've been worried about
you for a long time,

we are finally gonna
make you better.

(suspenseful music)

(thunder rumbling)
(dramatic suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(calm upbeat music)

(door clicking)
(floor creaks)

- Ah, you must be
(beep), I am Dr. Crane.

Ah, come on in, let's
broaden our minds, huh?

So why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself

and how you've been
feeling lately?

- He's delusional.

He says things like he thinks
he's inside the wrong body.

- I don't think that.

- Then why did you say it?

- Well, why would
you say something

that you don't think, (beep)?

- I don't know, I guess,

I just sometimes
don't feel like a boy.

- Oh, God, something is
wrong with his brain.

- Yeah.
- I hear him crying all night.

I don't know where
he gets that from.

- Do you cry all night?

- Not every night.
- I never cry.

His father certainly never
cries, not even once, never has.

- Do you see how your
crying impacts your mother?

Tell him.

- It makes me feel
like I've failed.

It makes me feel like
I'm a bad mother.

- Hmm.

Did you know that you were
hurting your mother in this way?

(gentle suspenseful music)
- No.

- (cries) I just want my
happy little boy back.

- Mama, I can try
and be happy again.

I promise to never tell you

that I'm in the
wrong body anymore.

I promise I'll never
even tell you if I'm sad.

- Please, Dr. Crane.

(chair creaks)
- Fear not,

(suspenseful music)

for I have developed an
experimental treatment

that's designed to help sad
little boys like (beep) here.

(button clicks)
(machine whirring)

- Maybe sad is the wrong word.

- Yeah, hush, little one.
- Maybe it's something else.

- Oh, you'll be mama's
happy little boy in no time.

(gas hissing)

(suspenseful music)

(static hissing)

(tape whirring)

♪ You don't own me ♪
- It worked like magic.

- What is this?
(fireworks crackling)

(Joker coughing)
(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)
(Joker cackling)

- It works like magic.
(clown speaking indistinctly)

(dramatic upbeat music)

(static hissing)

(dramatic upbeat
music continues)

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(calm upbeat music)

- How are you feeling, honey?

Are you happy now?

- Yes, Mama, are you?

- Yes.

- I heard a lot of other
(calm upbeat music continues)

trans chicks also
describe their childhoods

as a hazy blackout.

(lips squeak)

It didn't help that I spent mine

dulled by the dark
purple haze of Smylex.

But maybe it was for the best.
(crowd yelling)

- [News Reporter] And as
incidents of extreme violence

and increased reports of
people with strange abilities

pop up more.
- Can you explain these

foolish guzzling chicken hawks.

You will not silence the silent-

- [News Reporter] The
White House has confirmed

that President Lex
Luther has passed away

from a diarrhea-related
overdose in a Russian piss bar.

(static hisses)
This is coming on the heels

of signing Senator
Gilda Dent's Bill

outlawing all
non-Queebso content.

(tape whirs)
- And you wouldn't be shocked

to find out that I learned
(electricity hissing)

at a young age I
could use trash TV

to distract me.
- Video girl bosses

compete for the chance at a
reduced sentence and true love.

- And whenever I ran out
(tape whirring)

of shows, all I had to do
was put on a happy face.

- Smylex may also be used
(audience claps and cheers)

to break up-
- But thank God

I had Smylex to numb me
through my adolescence,

because for women like me,
(tape whirring)

first puberty can feel
like being strapped

into the passenger seat of a car

that's barreling
towards a brick wall

faster and faster and faster.
(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

There was no way my meathead
friends would understand.

- Look, man, are you telling
me that you're a fag?

'Cause if you're gonna
tell me that you're a fag,

I don't think I can handle it.

- No, I am not a
fag, okay? (laughs)

It's so funny that you would
even like joke about that

because if I were, I
mean, if I were a fag,

I would probably
be, you know, like,

just, (glugging)

look, I'm a fag. (glugging)

(laughs) Me a faggot? Get real.

(breathes heavily) It
was from that day onward

that I learned I
didn't just need Smylex

to repress my trans femininity.

Can you even imagine
a penis near my mouth?

I could use comedy
to repress it, too.

- Put that down!

That's not a mushroom.
- Oh!

- It's a penis.
- So why not follow

in the footsteps of the greatest
comedian who ever lived?

Ra's al Ghul.

- I wanna talk about
your new movie,

uh, it comes out next Friday.

(air whooshes)
- I know, how original,

I was inspired

by the most prolific
(camera shutters clicking)

and successful jokeman
of our modern age.

- I love my wife.
- But my appreciation

for Ra's went beyond just
the blockbuster hits.

(static hisses)
I loved his podcast.

I mean, the dude recorded
it from his garage.

How cool is that?
(calm music)

- Have a good week,
I-don't-give-a-shitters.

(gentle spirited music)
- I even loved the biannual

Ra's al Ghul human
papillomavirus
Memorial Day telethons.

I watched them every year,

but it didn't get any better
than his tenure on "UCB Live."

- Girls like to saute
their boyfriend's penis

with oral water
(audience laughs)

from the tongue.

(audience claps)
- Ra's taught me

that it didn't matter that I
was a shitty miserable person,

all I had to do was
become a comedian

because comedians are
shitty miserable people.

So when I finally had
saved up enough money,

I set course for Gotham City.

All right, it's the last
box, I'm gonna head out soon.

Is dad still not home?

- Uh, um, no, uh, maybe
just call him from the road.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

There's still time
to change your mind.

I, I know they're hiring at
LexCorp Fertilizing Plant

down the street.

- I've thought a lot about
this, I'm, I'm sure, Mama.

- Oh, God, okay.

Well, please,
(gentle suspenseful music)

(exhales sharply) be careful.

Gotham City is nothing
but neon biker gangs,

leather freaks,
and cross-dressers.

And you mark my words, (beep)
because I will not be there

when, (stammers) if you fall.
(upbeat music)

(Joker sighs)

(inhaler whooshes)

- I love you, too.

(dramatic upbeat music)
(car engine revving)

♪ Before I think I need to go ♪

♪ I'm so close to giving up ♪

♪ And I do not give a fuck ♪

♪ I have these
moments in my head ♪

♪ From the howling of the dead ♪

♪ Only calling my BA ♪

♪ What the fuck did I say ♪

♪ I don't wanna go ♪

♪ Before I think I need to go ♪

♪ I'm so close to giving up ♪

- [Joker] I got myself
a shitty apartment.

It was shitty but it was mine,

not that anything
really belonged

to the people of
Gotham that summer.

- Today marks the
one-year anniversary

of Bruce Wayne retiring
the Cape and Cowl.

- Aw, I'm still heartbroken,
Clark, I miss Batman.

(train whooshes)
- But criminals beware,

the Cape Crusader has partnered

with Wayne Enterprises
on an all-new Batdrone.

Not only does it broadcast
quality Queebso content

and facially identify
anyone breaking the law

and shoot them on site,
(gentle suspenseful music)

they also come in
rainbow for Pride.

(static hisses)
- But I didn't care,

I moved to Gotham
City for one thing.

Hello, I'm here to audition
(light buzzing)

for "UCB."
- The door down the hall.

- Oh, all right.
(door beeps and clicks)

(footsteps thudding)

(machine whirs)

(machine chimes)
(machine zapping)

(gentle suspenseful music)
(electronic whirring)

- Please state your name.

(beep)
(Joker sighs)

Welcome (beep) to the
"UCB" audition system.

(machine beeping)

I'll need to collect
your biometric data

to make sure you meet
our system requirements.

- Okay.

(machine chimes)
- Brain scanned: Malleable.

Suitable for comedy reeducation.

(machine beeping)

(machine chimes)
Liver scanned: Damaged.

Substance abuse
approved and encouraged.

(machine beeping)
(machine chimes)

Penis scanned.
- Whoa, what does "UCB" need

to know my penis size for?
- Five inches.

Just small enough to be
desperate for external approval.

- That's a fair
point, I can see why

you need to know that.
- Sex determined,

subject male.
(machine chimes)

Potential for success
(machines beeping)

in mainstream comedy:

(dramatic music)
High.

Audition complete.
(machine beeps)

Welcome to the "UCB" cast.

- That's it, you don't wanna
see my act or anything?

You're just gonna scan my dong

and then move on?
- Please proceed forward

for further instructions.
(gentle suspenseful music)

(Joker sighs)

(crowd chattering)

(Joker exhales sharply)

(cast member clears throat)

(screen whirring)

(dramatic upbeat music)

- [Announcer] Welcome to
the "United Clown Bureau."

- It takes a little
bit from every other

art form out there.
- It's a place where you,

you can say you're proud of.
- We have what are called

gag sessions, where
we all sit around

and gag each other.
- As one of our

newest students,
you are now part

of a 150-year-old esoteric
tradition of sketch comedy

and improvisation.
(upbeat spirited music)

- Does it smell
like blood in here?

- It definitely smells
like blood in here.

- Hi, I'm Lorne Michaels.

In the coming months, you
will complete level one

of our simple class structure,

or, as we like to call it, Cube.

Cube one consists of
levels one through eight.

Then your first
round of level 16.

Cube one is fun.
(gentle chimes)

- Geez, I feel like I'm
joining the Illuminati

or something.
- It is a little

pyramid schemey.
- Cube two,

Hyper Cube.
(gas whooshes)

Where you'll complete-
- But it is everything

I've ever wanted.

(dramatic music)
- Look backwards,

following an evaluation of
your ability to be on game

and date your teachers.
(gentle spirited music)

You will then complete level 16

for the second time by
paying your full tuition fee

of $15,000.
- 15 grand?

Is there, like, financial
aid for this or something?

- And don't worry, girls,
(upbeat spirited music)

you'll play a role, too.

As stated in "UCB"
Training Center's Handbook

of Comedy and Gender,

females are invited
to pay full tuition

to earn the designation
of Harlequin.

Harlequins hold
the estimable task

of dancing sexy, having boobs,

and, of course, laughing
at the jokeman's jokes.

Don't forget,
(gentle chime)

"UCB" is the only
training center

in the country where you
can get Queebso-certified

to perform comedy legally
in the United States.

Punishable by death.
- Jokemen and harlequins,

please put your hands together
for "UCB's" finest jokeman,

Ra's al Ghul.
(audience claps and cheers)

- [Joker] I didn't know this
was happening, did you know

this was happening?
- Nah, it's a bit

of a surprise.
- They should have announced

this beforehand because people
- [Audience] Ra's!

- [Joker] can get really
excited and really like-

- It's cool, but
you gotta be cool.

- You're right, I'm sorry.

- Now that I'm done looking at
everybody's dick measurements

(audience laughs)

In the interest of not
wasting anybody's time,

I'm gonna tell you right now,

I'm not gonna teach
you how to be funny.

(claps) No, I'm gonna
teach you how to be honest.

I need three volunteers
to get up here on stage.

You, you, and you.

Yes, you right there,
next to the penguin.

- Yeah! (claps) Oh, wow.
- Here at the United

Clown Bureau, we live by
the principle yes, and,

that means whatever you're
scene partner says to you,

you must never deny it.

Now let's practice,
Jokeman, start the scene.

- Hey, uh, are you the stripper?

- Uh, no.
(buzzer blares)

- Try again. Remember
the yes, and principle.

- Hey, uh, are you the stripper?

(pump whirs)
(gas hisses)

- Yes, and I want to S your D.

- [Audience] Whoa.

(dramatic music)
- Great work.

You there, what are you doing?

Support your scene partner.

Step forward.
- Hmm?

- I said step forward.

- Oh, I thought I did, um, okay.

- I'll be your scene
partner, are you ready?

- Yes.
- Start the scene, Jokeman.

- Um,
(audience member coughing)

so this is a, um, well, uh,

dinner's almost ready.

- Yes, Mama, and I only
wanna make you happy.

(audience laughs)
- Um. (exhales sharply) Uh.

Yeah, uh.

What do I say?

- Come on, student,
it's your turn.

- Yeah, uh, yes,
and, yes, and, Mama,

no, I'm mama,

your (beep) or your, uh.

Yes, and, yes, and.

Yes, and.
- Jokeman, we got another

seven hours.
- Yes, and.

Yes, and. Yes, and.
(bins clanking)

Yes, and. Whoa!
(Joker thuds)

- (coughing) Wait up!

(coughing) Yeah.
- You all right there?

- It's like freaking weed
dispensary in there, huh?

I feel like I
swallowed a fishbone.

- Yeah, it's really smoky.

- Anyway, you dropped this.
- Thanks.

(Penguin coughing)

- We should probably
get back in there,

you know, you don't wanna
miss Hyper Cube Three.

- Well, as much
as being a jokeman

is a life's dream of mine, my
parents cut me off last year

after I changed my major
to think pieces. (chuckles)

- (chuckles) Well,
I'll see you later.

- You wanna get a drink?

- Um, I don't really drink

because of the
medication I'm on, so.

- Fish?

- Yes, and.

(mouth gobbling)

(throat gulps)
(fish bones chiming)

(customers chattering)
- (sighs) So, yeah, anyway,

mainstream comedy's dead.

It's a bunch of doofy chuds
pretending their parents

aren't rich, telling the same
Tinder jokes over and over

until the "UCB" lets them
soft pedal propaganda.

- True that. How about you?

Do you have a, an
act or material yet?

- Oh, yeah, it's
mostly fish-based,

but catch this, as like a
metaphor for larger society,

you know, like George
Carlin, Lenny Bruce,

even a little bit of Louis C.K.,

you know, before the
unpleasantness, of course.

- Of course.

- It's kind of an
aquatic taste, but,

what's yours like?

- Oh, I mean, I have an act,

but I've never done
it out loud before,

I'd be way too embarrassed

to do it here.
- This is

a judgment-free zone, baby.

- Okay, uh, well, I think the
joke I'm most proud of is,

is a dating joke, but
it's not a Tinder joke.

So I, uh,
- Oh, okay.

- so I get up on stage

and, uh, I, I have a
real tough time dating,

real, real tough time dating,

- Squawking to the choir.

- uh, so tough in fact
that in high school,

my girlfriend and I had
nicknames for our, uh, genitals,

uh, and we called her vagina,

um, I just don't
wanna shout that

so loudly in the
fish restaurant,

- (laughs) Yeah.
- we called her vagina

Treblinka.

And, uh, I thought it was
just like a funny name.

Uh, and I think it's
also a Say Anything song,

um, which is kind of problematic

because I'm pretty sure that
the lead singer got MeToo'd.

It's like, why is everybody
just a creep nowadays?

You know, this is not
(coughs) part of the joke.

Um, so we called
her pussy Treblinka,

and then we found out

Treblinka was one of
Hitler's concentration camps.

And, um, in retrospect,
that kind of matched,

uh, her personality.

And, uh, her Treblinka
was a quarter of an inch

away from her gas chamber.

- Oh, is that the punchline?

- Oh, I don't really
do punchlines.

I'm more of like a, like
a storyteller, like Cosby,

you know, but before all the
unpleasantness, of course.

- Of course. But did that
really happen to you?

- Uh, I never even had a
girlfriend to be honest.

But if it did happen to somebody

and if it happened to me, it'd
be pretty funny and absurd,

you've gotta admit.
- Here's a pro tip,

a lotta good comedy
comes from stuff

that actually happens to you.

It gets good laughs. Ha!

(Batdrones whirring)

- I wish there was, like,
a place we could workshop

our material without having
to kiss Lorne Michaels' ass.

- Yeah, it just sucks that
"UCB" is the only game in town.

You know, before the cyber wars,

a comedian could do like four

or five open mic
sets every night.

- Lucky bastards,
that sounds amazing.

- Yeah, incredible.

- (sighs) It's just not fair.

You shouldn't have to go through

a whole certification
process at a secret society

just to be allowed
to make people laugh,

it should be a God-given right.

- Yeah, but who says we can't?

- The government.
- Yeah, you look like somebody

who cares what the
government says.

What I'm saying is, what
if we just, like, do it?

- We could call it anti-comedy,

then they wouldn't
be able to arrest us.

- I know you're joking, but
that's actually a great idea.

Like, what if we
just rent a warehouse

and we advertise it as
anti-comedy or something?

You know, the government
can't do shit about it.

Comedy can be anything, I mean,
it could be bad on purpose.

- In my case, that would be a
huge help if it could be that.

- You're not lying.

- I mean, you heard my joke

about my non-existence
girlfriend's vagina.

It wasn't-
- Right, it was

very offensive.
- Yeah. It was offensive?

I-
- Yeah.

- Towards women or towards
(calm music)

- Uh, the Holocaust.
- the Jews?

Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that type of stuff

doesn't always fly.

It would've flown
maybe five years ago,

but now antisemitism
on the rise.

♪ I'd like to see the
bad guys win sometime ♪

♪ I'd like to see
the bad guys win ♪

- [Joker] After an hour or so

of pleading with
Oswald Cobblepot Sr,

Penguin finally
convinced his parents

to help us out with the down
payment on a commercial space

in Gotham's amusement district.

♪ I'd like to see the
bad guys have some fun ♪

♪ They're always
getting pushed around ♪

- Okay, first up is
Miss. Pamela Isley.

- Oh, uh, just Ivy,
no Miss., please.

And they/them pronouns,

along with plenty of
sunlight and water,

really make this
wallflower blossom.

- Hey, my nom de guerre's
a fat flightless bird,

so whatever works.

- They call him Penguin.

Uh, Selina Kyle.

- Meow.
♪ Sometime ♪

♪ I'd like to see ♪
- I don't get it.

(stammers) Do you do jokes,
or do you do riddles?

- Riddles mostly.

- Well, we're not trying
to start a riddle theater.

- I mean, a riddle would
count as anti-comedy.

I wanna hear a riddle.

(dramatic music)
- The sun bakes them,

the hand breaks them,
the foot treads on them,

and the mouth tastes them,

what are they?
(dramatic music)

- Grapes!

- My balls, of course.

- (laughs) Balls
are always funny.

- Balls are always funny.
You're hired, Riddler.

(cane whooshing)
The Red Hood Gang

was coming together.

My act, on the other hand.
(dramatic music)

(gentle chime)

Uh, I hated school as a kid,
I'm sure a lot of us did.

And, uh, my mom always used
to say, "You should enjoy it,

uh, because you're
gonna have to work

for a living one of these days."

- It's the least funny
part of that movie.

- "No, I won't, Mom, I'm
gonna be a comedian."

- Boo!
- Hey, screw you, Bane,

you were up here 15 minutes ago

just lifting weights
for 20 minutes.

- Yes, yes, I was.

- Anyway, that's
my time, goodnight.

(audience claps)

- Oh my God, oh, yeah.
- You're telling me, man.

- Here, this will help.
(upbeat music)

- I can't drink, my medication.

- (scoffs) You're a comic,
mixing prescription meds

and alcohol is part of
the job description.

- All right, one shot.

- Salute.
(glasses clink)

♪ I want a big party ♪

♪ I don't want you ♪

(Penguin gasping and laughing)

- Ugh, is that what
alcohol tastes like?

- You better believe it.
- Can I get another?

- Yeah.
(upbeat rock music)

- Doctor] How are you
settling into the city?

- [Joker] I've met a ton of
great people, ton of friends.

- Have you found work?

- I'm pursuing a career
in standup comedy

(doctor chuckles)
'cause I always thought

my life was kind of
a tragedy, and, um,

it is.

It is, it's a tragic life.

- That's good.

- Look, I'm the one who
personally infiltrated

Bohemian Grove 12 years ago

disguised as a Greek
cap massage therapist.

- If I just zeroed in
on how ugly society

was capable of being, I could
forget for one fleeting moment

that I had no idea
who the hell I was.

I mean, forget gender,

I, I had no identity.

(gentle pensive music)
(exhales sharply) Like,

sometimes I wasn't
even sure I existed.

And each morning, I
just created myself.

And every night, I tried
to smile myself to death.

(suspenseful music)

(Batdrone beeping)
- Remember, what's the most

important part of policing?
- Now.

- [Joker] At least I
have the Red Hood Gang.

I know it's cliche,

but, look, this is a
queer coming-of-age film,

I needed a chosen family.
(upbeat music)

And as our illegal
comedy theater

became Gotham's coolest word
of mouth hipster hotspot,

the family was growing.

There was Killer Croc.

(Killer Croc bellows)

Mad Hatter.

- Most everyone is mad here.

- Mr. Freeze.
- Cool party.

- And you had Bob the Goon.
- #Goonlife, baby.

- [Joker] And Timmy Two Times,

who got that nickname 'cause
he used to say shit like.

- I've gotta go do some
poppers, do some poppers.

- [Joker] But that was
the first night I saw him.

- Now, the second
amendment gets a bad rap

from other leftists,
but come on.

(gentle amorous music)
(hearts popping)

- I talked to him after the
midnight set last night,

that's Jason Todd, he
goes by Mr. J though.

- Why should Punisher
get to have all the fun?

(Joker laughing)

- [Joker] He's really funny.

- Do you want, I
should introduce the
two of you, wink wink.

- I don't know why I would
require an introduction,

or why you're wink winking.

- Because you're
laughing at a joke so bad

you wouldn't tell it.

And you got cartoon hearts
popping outta your eyeballs.

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- It's okay if you like dudes.

- I know.
(pump whooshes)

(upbeat music)

- Do you think that
stuff really helps you?

- It makes me look less sad.

And when I look less sad,
people ask less questions.

- You're worried
about how you look

in front of these fish sticks?

Ah, now that's the laugh.
- Point taken.

There is literally a
lady named Clayface here.

♪ Have a, have a good time ♪

(dramatic music)

(alarm buzzing)
- Turn it off!

(knocking on door)

Turn off your fucking alarm!

(thudding on door)

(Joker groaning)

- Ah, no.

I am so sorry I'm late.

I, uh, overslept

because my phone has
a new operating system

and I don't know how
to use the alarm on it.

- Well, you smell like
you're still drunk.

- If I wasn't doped up
on Smylex for 20 years,

I could probably have a
drink every now and then.

- What's that? You're mumbling.

You know, I hate
it when you mumble.

- Where's Dad? Is he,
uh, in the bathroom?

- Um, (clears throat)
no, he is, um,

at a broadcasting convention
in the Diamond District.

But he wanted to be here.

- I haven't even
gotten a call from him

in a year and a half,
I'm sure he was dying-

- It was your choice to move
2,000 miles away from home.

And I can see it's
not going well.

- What do you mean
it's not going well?

- How do you expect
them to put you on TV

when you can't even show
up sober to a brunch date

with your mother?

- Well, Mom, for
your information,

"UCB" actually encourages
substance abuse.

But that's irrelevant

because I started my
own comedy theater.

- What did you just say?
- You heard me.

- Are you on drugs?
- Only the one you put me on.

- [Mom] Comedy is illegal.

- Yeah, I know. We're
gonna call it anti-comedy.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Oh, well, it's, it's like,
um, it's like Andy Kaufman,

but with, like, the
meta Woody Allen thing,

but before the daughter
stooping, of course.

- Of course. Come home!

I'm sure your dad could get
you a job at the station.

- Why would I wanna
work with Dad?

- I don't understand why
you're doing this to me.

You're being very selfish,
(mysterious music)

you're being very childish.

This whole dream of
yours is very dangerous,

and you're childish!
- You're right!

Okay, you're right, it's
childish, I'm stupid.

I'm going to fail, I
am going to fail, okay?

I will fail because
I suck at comedy

because I'm a total junkie

and we all know
whose fault that is.

- What is that supposed to mean?

♪ Gray skies ♪

♪ Are gonna clear up ♪
- Keep your voice down!

You are embarrassing me.

(pump whooshes)
♪ Put on a happy face ♪

- You were mentally
ill, I got you help.

- You were mentally ill!

I wasn't!
- You were mentally ill!

- You were mentally ill!
- You were mentally ill!

You were mentally ill!
- I wasn't!

And now (thuds hands) I'm
mentally ill because of it.

Have a great day, Mom!
(upbeat music)

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ Looking like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

(Joker screaming)
(glass shattering)

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ Looking like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ While I'm looking
like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ Looking like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ While I'm looking
like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ Looking like a bitch ♪
(glass shatters)

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ While I'm looking
like a bitch ♪

(phone ringing)

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ Looking like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪

♪ While I'm looking
like a bitch ♪

♪ Acting like a slut ♪
(dramatic music)

♪ Looking like a bitch ♪

♪ I am not like other girls ♪

♪ I have a dick, titties
out, leather jacket ♪

♪ I'm causing such a racket ♪

♪ Walk like a bitch ♪

♪ But I talk like a faggot ♪

(calm music)

- [Joker] Is there still a
slot open for me tonight?

- You got it, (beep).

- Oh, and, uh, when
you introduce me,

(dramatic music)
will you call me

Joker the Harlequin?

- Sure, you got it.

- So that's my time,
uh, tonight, folks.

Uh, but just before I go, uh,
(stammers) riddle me this,

what goes zero to 60,
(Selina yawns)

gets you laid, and tells
you a new riddle every day?

You give up?

Uh, that would be Ridlr!

(dramatic music)

An all-new, uh,
hookup/rideshare/riddle
of the day app

that I am currently developing.

(gentle suspenseful music)

Uh, but it's Ridlr,,
R-I-D-L-R, Ridlr,

uh, it'll be available.

(audience claps)

- Thank you, thank
you, thanks so much.

- Okay, (lapping) let's give
a warm round of applause

for the Riddler, everybody.

Okay, well this
next act is a drag

in a completely different way.

(audience laughs)
(laughs) Serving up fish.

I hate myself.
(audience laughs)

Okay, welcome to the
stage, Joker the Harlequin.

(audience claps)
- All right, yeah. (laughs)

Um, hi, I'm Joker the Harlequin.

My pronouns are Hee and Hah.
- Boo!

- Um, for tonight's bit,

I will need a volunteer
from the audience.

(Ivy whizzes)

Yes, how about you?
(audience claps and cheers)

I need for you to describe the
saddest moment in your life.

- Uh, sure, it requires
a bit of setting up,

but I'm a botanist, or,
rather, I used to be.

Back before the cyber
war, I was working at

Wayne Enterprises' Aboreal
Preservation Project

in South America.

(pump whooshes)
(Joker giggles)

Uh-
- Keep going, it's fine.

- Uh.
- When word came down

from corporate that going
forward, our project,

my project,
(dramatic music)

the sole focus
was to find a cure

for all the cyber mutations
going on back in the states.

I felt like my dream
of helping humanity

was finally beginning to bloom.

(pump whooshes)
(Joker laughs)

(gentle suspenseful music)

- [Joker] Yeah, just
keep going, its fine.

- But you're laughing at me.

- Just keep going, I'm
gonna keep doing this, so,

it's part of the bit,
it's my, this is my bit.

(audience laughs)
(Penguin laughs)

- Well, as you can guess,
we never found a cure.

(pump whooshes)
(Joker laughs)

- You were searching for
a cure, never found one,

well, what, yeah?
- I was kicked off

the project.

(Joker laughs)

In a last-ditch effort
to regain my clearance,

I thought if I could get the
toxicodendron fusion just right

then I could find a cure.
- Oh my God!

This is so goddamn funny,
I'm gonna piss my ass.

(audience laughs)
- Lacking any volunteers,

I underwent the
treatment myself.

(Joker laughs)

The results are what you,
unfortunately, see here today.

(Joker laughs)
(audience laughs)

My tendons stretched
into thick vines

and sealed my skin with
chlorophyll, my lips with venom.

(Joker screams)
(audience laughs)

And do you know what
Bruce Wayne was doing

whilst my body
twisted and contorted

into the monotonous monster
that stands before you?

- [Joker] What?

- He was selling all of my
research to the highest bidder.

(Joker laughs)
(audience laughs)

(Joker panting)

And that, my dear Joker, was
the saddest day of my life.

(Joker exhales sharply)
(Penguin claps and laughs)

(audience claps)
- Oh, thank you so much

for that. (mumbles)

(upbeat music)

- That's my crab, the
catch of the day. (laughs)

(artist singing indistinctly)

(gentle music)

♪ Back on my way home to you ♪

(Jason sniffs)
(urine tinkling)

- Stage fright?

- Yeah, I mean, I also just,
like, come here to think

sometimes, this is
actually where I, um,

come up with all my best ideas.

- Oh, so is this
where you came up

with the saddest
story ever told bit?

It was so great.

- You watched my set?
- Hell, yes.

It's not every day I meet
someone funnier than me.

- Well, um, I'm really
glad I didn't know

you were in the audience

because, honestly, I
would've been really nervous.

- What do you mean?

- I would've like, I don't know.

I would've tried to
impress you to be honest.

- (sighs) Well, you impressed
me without even trying.

I'm just so glad there's
another queer in the theater.

Hey, what do you say, you
wanna get outta the men's room?

- Literally every single
time I've ever been in one.

(Jason laughs)

(toilet burbling)

I like your tattoos, by the way.

- [Jason] Oh, thanks.

- [Joker] Did you ever meet
someone who's the exact

same kinda crazy you are?

- When we get married,

our first dance should
be "Brick" by Ben Folds.

(Joker chuckles)

Oh, is it too soon to be
talking about marriage?

- No, it's, I just usually
wait until date number two

before I start talking
about abortion pop songs.

(Jason laughs)

♪ We've never looked better ♪
(Joker chuckles)

- Can I show you something?

♪ We're so good together ♪

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- I can't believe you and
Penguin opened a theater

in the amusement mile

and you haven't explored
any of the rest of it.

- It's an abandoned theme park,
it reminds me of Chernobyl.

- Exactly, what could
be more romantic

than radioactive Soviets?

Okay,

open 'em.

(dramatic music)

What's wrong?

- Nothing. Let's go in, please.

(lights clicking)
(electricity buzzing)

(electronics whirring)
(calm upbeat music)

(water burbling)

- So, um, I don't tell
this to a lotta people,

but, um, I'm trans.

- What do y-

Oh!

Oh-oh,

oh, well, I, okay.

I mean, I just didn't
know, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not sorry.

It's just I didn't know,

and you look like, um-
- The real deal?

- I was not

gonna say that.
(Jason laughs)

I mean, I was probably gonna
say something worse, but.

Yeah.
(Jason laughs)

- I take it as a compliment.

I mean, I don't like buying
into some sort of transphobic,

essentialist mindset
about the two genders,

but I'd be a clown and a liar

if I said I didn't get pretty
insecure on first dates.

- Why? You're doing great.

- I feel like sometimes other
gay guys find out I'm trans

and they see me as belonging

to some other
category than them.

You know, like
they're the gay guy

and I am just a gay
guy with an asterisk.

That's stupid, right?

Being obsessed with how
others might label me.

- Not at all, I get
exactly what you're saying

because I love, liked
you the moment I saw you.

I liked you the moment I
saw you is what I said.

Um, what I'm saying
is, it's hard for me

to even fathom being in a
tunnel of love with another boy.

So I guess I have
an asterisk too.

- Well, exploring your
queerness in your act

will probably bring
some understanding, no?

- Is that what I'm doing?

- Well, I know drag was
also forced back underground

after RuPaul's
Fracking Ranch exploded

and killed 1,000 people,

but you're definitely
the funniest drag queen

I've ever seen.

- Drag queen?
- Oh, okay.

Not a drag queen, just
queen of my heart.

- That works.

(artist singing in
foreign language)

(artist continues singing
in foreign language)

So when did you know?
- That I was trans?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

That's probably like the
most annoying question

I could possibly ask.

- Nah, it's fine.

I don't remember most
of my life to be honest.

I just know I was in
the bathtub one day

and I asked myself
how would I be,

or who would I be if there
were no consequences?

Then I realized, screw the
consequences, you know?

I was willing to risk
losing everything

just to finally be myself.

And I did lose everything.

My family.

- It still hurts though.

- How do you mean?
- Well, obviously,

being yourself is more important
than making anybody happy,

even if it's your family,
you could rationally

know that in your head, but-

- But it doesn't matter.

You're right, uh, thankfully,
I had an older boyfriend

at the time to sorta
cushion the abandonment.

But, yeah, it
still really hurts.

Especially since he ended up
being a total creepo dick.

(Joker shudders)

- Oh, um, I've never
told anybody this,

but I used to call
suicide hotlines a lot.

I wasn't suicidal,
not e-every time,

the point is, I would
call suicide hotlines,

and my cell phone was still
a Smallville area code,

so it would always connect
me to the Kansas hotline.

But that was perfect
because I'd ask the operator

what the weather was like,
(gentle music)

and it, I don't know, ground me.

I'd think back to those cool
Midwestern summer nights.

I guess it's like homesickness,

but Smallville never
felt like home.

Basically what
I'm getting at is,

(upbeat music)

I know we said that it
was too early for us

to be talking about
abortion pop songs.

- [Jason] Mm-hmm?

- Is it too early for me to
say that you feel like home?

♪ All alone ♪
(tongue vibrating)

♪ All alone ♪

♪ All alone ♪

- Yeah, that's a good girl.

- Wait, what did you just say?

- Oh, God.
- No, no, no, it's fine.

- I am so sorry.

- No, don't be puddin'.

I'd like to be a
good girl for you.

(gentle suspenseful music)

Were you the first
one that saw me?

The real me?

(calm upbeat music)

Boy, do I hate giving
you that credit.

- Personally, I don't
think we need effective

social programs in this country

because we have
Elmo's dad to teach us

about racism on a Zoom call.

(Joker laughs and claps)

(upbeat music)

♪ A freeway to another life ♪

- Oh my God, you were so funny,

the bit about the
guns, hilarious.

I was fairly certain
I was in love.

- What do you say we go home,
I got some grape soda on ice,

and a bearskin rug waiting.

- Whatever you say, Mr. J.

- Hunka-hunka.

- I felt like puking and crying

and just kissing him forever.

And I was so afraid
of feeling that way.

But I was even more afraid

of the feeling going away
(actress screams)

because, well, when
I was with him,

I don't know, he,
he, he made me feel

the way I hoped I really was.

(upbeat music)
(audience claps and cheers)

People don't talk enough about
how cute T4T couples are.

It's probably because those
combinations of letters

and numbers remind people of...

(air whooshes)
- Rated T for T.

(static hisses)
(gentle music)

- [Joker] Hey, uh,
I was wondering

if you could help
me with something.

- [Jason] I can
sure as hell try.

- [Joker] I, um, I wanna
go, um, Joker to Harlequin.

(gentle suspenseful music)
- I know a place.

- Say, wanna hear a joke?

Why'd the gay clown

dive into a vat
(chemicals burbling)

of feminizing hormones at
a chemical storage plan?

'Cause gender health
is inaccessible

even in comic book movies.

I'm kinda scared, Mr. J.

- [Jason] Don't be, gender
is a social construct.

It's a tool created
by the ruling class

to keep the
proletariat oppressed.

And by taking control-

- When you're in love
(dramatic music)

even the most self-righteous
pop Marxist rants

sound like poetry.
(gentle amorous music)

(machine beeping)
- It's now or never, babe.

- Well, see you on the
other side, pudding.

(dramatic music)
(Joker whooshing)

(chemicals burbling)
(suspenseful music)

- [Bullock] Freeze,
Detective Bullock here,

we've got the Red Hood Gang.
- Hold your fire.

- Oh my God, it's Batman.
- I'll take care

of this my way, boys.

(Batman whooshes)
- What?

I thought he retired.

(water burbling)
(machine beeping)

(footsteps thumping)

- [Batman] Jason!

- Y-you.

(Jason whooshes)

Let go of me, Bruce.

(feet thud)
(dramatic music)

- [Officer] Bruce,
let me get a picture.

- [Batman] Please, fellas,
celebrities are people, too.

Oh, just make sure to
tag the campaign online.

#Wayneiacs.
(camera shutter clicks)

(train screeching)

- Oh my God, oh my God.

I mean, like, this has to be
a placebo effect or something,

like, I feel like, like
me for the first time.

(gentle pensive music)

What's wrong, babe?

- Do you remember that
ex I told you about?

- Yeah, the, the one
that helped you out

during your transition?

- Yeah, well, I didn't
tell you the whole story.

Before I was Jason Todd,
my name was Carrie Kelley.

(suspenseful music)

I spent most of my life
in and out of orphanages.

And when I was 16,

(dramatic music)

I didn't understand why a
billionaire would want to adopt

a little butch shell-shocked
from the cyber wars,

but daytime was about
studying, training.

And the night,
(suspenseful music)

the night was ours.

When I finally came
out to Bruce as trans,

I was so sure he'd kick me out,

but he, he didn't, he,
he did everything right.

He paid for my transition
and he seemed excited.

I thought he was the first
one who saw me, the real me.

The lady at Gotham Social
Services called it grooming.

All I know is a few
months into my transition,

Bruce made a move.

At the time, I thought
it was exciting.

You know, the older guy, rich,

I didn't even think it was weird

that he was basically my dad
or that he made me sign an NDA.

Oh, what would Gotham
think if they found out

that Batman was dating
a trans man? (scoffs)

Thank God I found out I
wasn't the only Robin.

One night I caught him teaching
jujitsu to this young kid,

he couldn't have
been more than 14.

I, we got in a huge fight
and I trashed our hide out.

And I said I was leaving,
and he told me he'd find me,

so I went underground,

and now,

he found me.
(gentle pensive music)

- Jason, I'm, I'm really sorry.

I don't,

I, I can, I can't imagine
what you're feeling

right now seeing him again.

- I don't feel anything.

- Well, the good news is,
I'm not going anywhere.

(gentle suspenseful music)

I'm gonna be right here
by your side forever.

And-
(suspenseful music)

When they show abusive
relationships in movies,

they're always the
beer-bellied wife-beater,

it's never a
90-pound trans dude.

And if it's not like
that in the movies,

how's a girl like me supposed
to know to look for the signs?

So, boys, ghouls,
(gentle suspenseful music)

and all my non-boo-nary friends,

here's Joker the Harlequin's
patented list of warning signs

to look for in a potential
narcissistic emotional abuser.

Number one, he negs you.
(calm upbeat music)

- It's not every day I meet
someone funnier than me.

- Number two, he makes
it clear that his trauma

is more important than yours.

- At least you met your dad.

- [Joker] And number three.

- I hear Batman's picking
Dent as his running mate,

and it's a good thing
they're running though,

since we all know
women can't drive.

- I mean, if he's a comedian,
just run for the hills.

Guilty till proven innocent.

Don't date comedians,
please, ever.

(upbeat music)
(phone ringing)

- Vice Presidential candidate
Gilda Dent was injured

in an acid attack that
authorities are linking

to the online act of-
- Let's be real,

I could Mxyzptlk
myself back in time

to give young Joker that advice,

but she'd be too
busy riding the high

of her hormonal
Jokerification to ever listen.

- On the bright side, this
election could bring us

the first
psychologically-damaged
Vice President.

- Shatter that glass
ceiling, queen.

- [Joker] With estrogen finally
coursing through my veins

or wherever estrogen goes,

I finally had the confidence
to play with my wardrobe a bit.

Sure, people stared sometimes,

but if I wore my clown makeup.

- Clowns are so funny.

- Meanwhile...
(audience laughs)

- And then I landed
on the ground

and there were cats
nibbling my face,

(Joker laughing)
(audience claps)

and they were
nibbling my fingers,

they were nibbling my toes,

(Joker laughing)
(audience laughs)

and that's how I
became Catwoman.

(Joker laughing)
(upbeat music)

- It's the 47th season
premiere of "Serve the Date."

(gentle chimes)
- All right, ladies,

the eligible
billionaire bachelor

who's heart you'll be
- You have got

to be kidding me.
- Hoping to steal is...

- What's wrong, babe?
- It's been a long,

dark night.
- Oh.

- [Batman] But my whole life
has led me to this moment.

- He's on this season
of "Serve the Date."

- I have never seen a man
(phone ringing)

so desperate to appear
straight. (scoffs)

- I mean, he's more than
just a closet gay guy Joker,

I was 17.

- He's so mysterious.
- I know, I, I'm sorry,

I, I didn't forget,
I just misspoke.

This is Joker, leave a message.

(answering machine beeping)

(beep)

(Joker sighs)
- It's your mother.

- Come on, SC, can't you go

five minutes
- (beep) Hello?

- without killing yourself?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Well, I'm coming to Gotham.

- Oh, Jesus.
- I, I haven't seen you

in months and I, I'm
sorry for what happened.

- Hi, I'm Batman,
and in two days,

I'll be hosting "UCB Live"
- What the hell is this?

- with musical guest-
- Every channel!

(gunfire pops)
(TV shatters)

- [Mom] Just call
me back if you want.

(answering machine beeps)
- Did you just shoot my TV?

- Did you just screen a
phone call from your mom?

- Excuse me?
- You just ignored

a phone call from the woman who
brought you into this world.

- Yeah, I haven't spoken
with my mom in six months,

so I ignored a
phone call from her.

- God, you are-
- And you just shot

my goddamn TV.
- You are so selfish!

I'd give anything
to meet my real mom.

And all you can do is
just shit all over yours.

- What is going on with you?

You're acting insane.
- Ah, shut up, Drew!

You are so emotionally abusive.

- It's time for you to get
outta my house, Jason, leave!

(suspenseful music)
Number four,

they gaslight you.

- You're selfish for complaining
about your unbroken home.

- I'm selfish for complaining

about my unbroken home.
- You should forgive me

for destroying your TV.
- I should forgive you

for destroying my TV.

- 'Cause I have PTSD.

- 'Cause I have PTSD.
- No, I have PTSD.

- No, I have PTSD.
(gentle suspenseful music)

- Now, we're gonna go to bed.
- Now, we're gonna go to bed.

(suspenseful music)
- Because you're my girl.

- I'm your girl.
(waves crashing)

(Batdrone beeps)
(upbeat music)

(bats squeaking)
- This November,

be sure to cast your Bat vote

for me, Batman.
- Yeah, right.

When are you gonna stop hiding
the two-faced running mate

you got from the
people of Gotham?

- Penguin.
- I'm sorry,

this creep just
ruffles my feathers.

- Well, if this press tour
has been any indication

of things, my relationship's
not gonna survive one term

under a Wayne presidency.
- Today's suicide count.

Is it true what
they say about you?

- So what do you think?
- Sorry, about what?

- About Mr. J., I mean,
he called me my old name

and he didn't even
know me as that.

He said it just to
hurt my feelings.

He messed up.
- Look, you're dating

a 27-year-old comedian,
I mean, you gotta know

what you're getting into.

- What am I doing with my life?

What did you wanna
be when you grew up?

- (laughs) It's kind of

embarrassing to say,
but I wanted be a cop.

- You got the body for it.
- (laughs) I thought clowns

were supposed to be funny.
(calm upbeat music)

- Why did you wanna be a cop?

- I just, I wanted
to help people,

not just be some fat comedian
in an abandoned warehouse.

- Comedy helps people.

- Last night during your
set, you sang "He Hit Me"

by The Crystals
while Bob the Goon

threw dildos in your face.

- Okay, how about
this, smartass?

Some comedy helps people,
some comedy exists

just to distract
people from the fact

that they're gonna
die alone screaming.

That's usually accomplished
with a pie to the face

or a rubber penis.
- Well, what about you?

- What do you mean?
(calm music)

- What did you wanna
be when you grew up?

- Oh,

a harlequin.

- Well, it looks
like you got it.

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Yeah.
- It's a shame

you didn't stick it out in "UCB"

while you were still a dude,
you know, become a jokeman,

then transition and be the first
harlequin on the main cast.

Blow that shit up from the
inside. Was that transphobic?

- What?
- I didn't mean

to be transphobic.
- I wasn't listening

'cause I think I
just got an idea

that's gonna solve
both of my problems.

- We're hatching a plan!
(gentle music)

- Did we pay the Wi-Fi bill?

- We have Wi-Fi in here?

- You figure that out,
get the gang together.

I'm gonna go home, finish
my makeup, dry off my pits,

and when I get back here,

we're gonna hack the Batdrones
and do some anti-comedy.

(dramatic music)

- You think this collection
of near homeless alcoholics

knows how to hack anything?

- Our entire cast is comprised
of incels and trans women,

at least one of them studied
coding in high school.

Just figure it out,
Penguin, Jesus.

- Ha, that was
definitely transphobic.

(train whirring)
(calm upbeat music)

(dramatic music)
- Oh my God!

- (gasps) Can we talk?

- No, you broke
into my apartment.

- But I, I, I came to apologize.

- This is like the
worst possible time.

- I'm better now and
I'm talking to someone.

I'm talking about my mother.

You look different.

- Yeah, thanks, is
that your apology?

- I thought you'd be
happy to see me and,

and hear that I'm,
I'm working on myself.

- I am thrilled, but I have
to get ready for a show.

- (gasps) Oh! Then you must
let me come to your show.

- Absolutely not.

- Why not?

- Because I wear fishnets
and I get up on stage

and I say gross shit, and I
don't need to deal with you

being pissed off about that.
- Look, I flew all the way

to Gotham to make things right.

Please, let me, I'm a grown
woman, I can handle it. (laughs)

- Fine, then you're
also gonna meet the boy

I'm sleeping with.

- Oh, oh, okay.

Well, um, I am, um,

I am proud to have a gay son.

Thank you for sharing
that with me, (beep).

- You're welcome, thank you
for receiving it so warmly.

Um, I also, you should know,

don't really go
by (beep) anymore.

I've been having
people call me Joker.

- Ugh, so your name's not
good enough for you now?

- Just meet me at the theater.

Goddammit, Mom!

♪ I can't wait to
Serve the Date ♪

- How are we looking
on time, guys?

My pits are dry.
- Camera's ready.

How are we looking Anarky?

- He's so dark and mysterious.
- The Riddler, Gus Gorman,

'cause I'm rolling,
baby, and you're hacking.

- Plus, I've always wanted
to sleep with an orphan.

- These are the "Serve
the Date" ladies,

no completely heterosexual
man could resist them,

especially one like me.
(static hissing)

(dramatic music)

- Hi, I'm comedy's
Joker the Harlequin,

and you probably don't
recognize me from anywhere,

but if you're anything like me,

you are sick of
hearing from this dope.

I mean, we gotta watch him
normalizing white-collar crime

with a bunch of girl bosses
on an asinine reality show.

If only he'd make
(suspenseful music)

a special guest appearance
on "Suicide Cop"

one of these days
and stand directly

behind him at,
(bat squeaks)

you know, the precise moment
that we would want that.

Not to mention the fact
that we got his drones

flying around the city
and up our asses and butts

anytime we wanna go on
a walk with our wife,

with our kids.

That's why the most
(bats squeaking)

responsible thing
for "UCB Live" to do

is to have me on as
a guest host tomorrow

and not the Batman.
(upbeat suspenseful music)

I know you're watching Lorne
Michaels, I know you are.

And you can do this willingly,
or you can ignore this

and I'll just hack
into your show.

I hacked into "Serve the Date,"

clearly I know how to hack,

and I'll hack the
world if I have to

'cause I'm the Joker, baby,
and I'm a woman of my word.

(dramatic upbeat music)

(Joker laughing)
(TV beeps)

(Batdrone shattering)
(Batdrone thuds)

(both cheering)

(horn blaring)
(Mom clears throat)

- Well,
- (clears throat) Hmm.

- that was, um.
- Yeah.

- Do you, um, um, um,
perform here as well?

- Oh, every now and then,
I also do online anarchy,

chaos podcasting,
stuff like that.

- Oh, okay, okay, okay.

I tried.
- What?

- I tried and,
and it's my fault.

I'm the one that convinced
you to let me into your world.

You tried to warn me and I,
I should've listened, (beep).

- Joker!
- Why?

- Because it feels like me, I
don't know how to explain it.

Just call me Joker!
- A, a, a boy dressed

in women's clothing,
acting filthy and angry

at his mother, this
is you, what happened?

You used to be such
a happy little boy.

- I've never been happy
one fucking day in my life!

(gentle music)

- Breaking the law,
(gasps) you are lucky

that Batman doesn't
swoop down from the sky

and lock you into Arkham Asylum.

(Batdrone thuds)
(Mom thuds)

(calm upbeat music)

♪ If I got shot ♪
(sirens wailing)

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
- Already spawned

a fair share of
copycat clown crime.

- [News Reporter] Two
women wearing clown masks

were arrested.
- Disgraced tech billionaire,

Edward Nygma.
- Lorne Michaels,

that Canadian cuck, he's
saying the whole thing

is a prank.
- It's like an Ellen thing,

before all the
unpleasantness, of course.

(audience screaming)
(arrow whooshes)

- This really isn't
what cameo is for,

and I cannot legally
do any of this stuff.

- As far as I can tell,
this is a clear cut case

of copyright infringement.

And I should know, I'm
the lucky son of a gun

who's married to Betty Boop.
(Betty giggles)

- Of course, she
slays politically,

but Joker is also so
funny for a Harlequin.

- Who would make up
such a crazy joke

like Batman being a villain?

Come on, that's (beep) genius.

- I need some air,

text if you need me.
- Are we calling this person

she in the Caitlyn Jenner way,

- Okay.
- or the RuPaul

frack ranch way?

- No clue.
(machines whirring)

- He's so rude.
- Oh, whatever, Mom.

So are you, so am I, we all are.

- Do you really feel that way?

- About what?
(gentle music)

- That you and I don't have
one happy memory between us?

- I really do.

When I really think about it,

I, I can't think of any,

can you?

- No.

I think that's why
it hurts so bad.

(phone ringing)

Sorry.

Hello?
- Lorne Michaels here.

Is this a good time?
- Uh, yeah, it's a great time.

I'm sorr-
- Don't be.

I own 50% of "Serve the Date"

and it was the highest
ratings we've had

since our Death Row season.

And, in fact, your little
routine has given us all

a major wake up call

'cause we're putting
together an all-new cast

and this one's gonna be diverse.

(upbeat opera music)
(patients chattering)

- Oh, um, good job.

- (laughs) Thank you. I know.

I just wanna see if you
would consider joining.

- You want me to join "UCB Live"

after the night I
just put you through?

- [Lorne] Not only
that, I would like

you to host the show tomorrow.

- You're bumping the Batman?

- Honey, you're
bumping the Batman.

- You've gotta be joking.
- I don't joke,

I leave that to my cast.

The writers are all
so very talented,

so I really couldn't
tell you why the show

as a whole is so uneven, jost,

(laughs) comedy is
subjective, of course.

Either way, it's definitely
(phone chiming)

time for me to retire.
- Number five,

he steals your medication.
- Anyway, I'll see you

at the studio tomorrow mañana.

- Tomorrow morning?
- That's right.

9:00 am your accelerated
training begins.

- Do I still have
to pay tuition?

- Don't be silly, we just
dock it from your pay.

(train screeching)

(footsteps plodding)

- Did you take my Smylex?

- Yeah, so what?
(gentle suspenseful music)

I didn't want you to get high

and be unable to have
this conversation with me.

- What?
- How could you do that?

- Do what?

- That stunt back there.

You put yourself and all of
our friends in so much trouble.

Do you realize how
powerful Wayne is?

- Yeah, I know how
powerful Wayne is.

I did this because
of, for you kinda.

- Clout chasing,
edgelord horseshit!

- Let go of me, Jason!

- You slapped the inhaler
out of my hand earlier,

you hypocrite, I, I do
not feel safe around you.

- My mom is in the
emergency room.

- God, Joker, it's
always about you.

- Whatever you say, Mr. J.
(gentle pensive music)

- Where the hell are you going?

- I can't do this anymore,
I can't, we're done.

- Please, no.
- Please don't touch me,

please.
- Look,

don't leave me,

you're all I have,
I'm all you have.

A-and I, I love you.
(gentle music)

- Then, please,
just leave me alone.

(gentle poignant music)

Jesus Christ, what
happened here?

- Well, because of
your little stunt,

Batman and a bunch of Gordon's
pigs decided to raid our ass.

- Is everybody okay?

- Are you okay?
(calm upbeat music)

- Yeah, I've never
been better, Penguin.

- Is your mom okay?
- Nope.

But you're gonna
do a shot with me

because I have some
really good news.

- You're so hopped up on Smylex

that you're gonna start
a new theater with me

somewhere in this town?
- No, there's not gonna be

starting a new theater

because I shattered
the glass ceiling

that is "UCB Live."
- What?

- Yeah, Lorne
called me, Michaels,

he loved the video we did.

And he wants to put
me on an all-new cast,

it's a diversity cast.
- And you said yes to this?

- I mean, I didn't say
no. Why would I say no?

- I, I don't know what to say.

- Oh, I'm speechless, too.

- You're messed up, you
crafted this entire persona

on being outside the mainstream,

then the second you get
invited to the table,

you start kissing
Lorne Michaels' ass.

- How could I kiss
Lorne Michaels' ass?

We can't even afford to animate

the back half of it.
- This is a betrayal, Joker.

- Think about all the queer
kids who finally get to watch

a trans woman on a comedy show.

- Oh, that makes you a hero?

- What if it does, you prick?

- Then it makes you the
hero Gotham deserves,

a selfish, stupid, asshole hero!

(gentle music)
- I don't know if it's Dent,

or Wayne, or some other
psychotic soul junkie

in their back cabal,
someone is transmitting

electrostatic brainwaves

into my wife and children,
(phone chimes)

making them less
affectionate towards me.

On that note, I'd just like
to reiterate that T girl clown

that destroyed all the Batdrones

is not my child.
(dial tone ringing)

(gentle music)
- Smallville Suicide Hotline.

- Uh, hi, um, I, uh,
was just calling to see

if you'd let me know
what the weather was like

in Smallville right now.
- This is an emergency hotline

for people who wanna
off themselves,

no weather service
for sad losers.

- Totally understood,
thanks so much.

(gentle music)

(machine zaps)
- Hello, please, state

your name.
- Joker the Harlequin.

- [Machine] The name
you entered Joanna Kerns

to Harlequin not found.

Please, state your name.

- Listen, bitch, I
legally changed my name

to Joker the Harlequin,
so it better be

in your system.
- The name you entered Lisa,

bitch, I legally changed
my name to Joanna Kerns

to Harlequin not found.

Please, state your name.

- Drew.
- Access granted.

(door whooshes)

- Hello, I'm Ra's al Ghul,
you must be Joker, welcome.

- Um, hi, we've met
before actually.

- You look different.

- Yeah, well, I am different.
(calm music)

Where's Lorne Michaels?

- It's just you
and I today, Joker.

- Well, I'm afraid you got
your work cut out for you

because I never even
passed yes, and.

- One of my best students
failed at yes, and

during his first attempt,

the eagerness to
not accept defeat

is what made him a legend.

- Yeah, then what happened?

Did you cut his
arms and legs off

with a laser sword
on a volcano planet?

- Close, after I flunked
him, he threw on a codpiece

and helped get comedy outlawed.

- Batman went to "UCB"
and you trained him?

- I'm afraid I
failed the Batman,

he gave up before ever
reaching Hypercube.

Some men just don't wanna
watch the world burn.

- So what you're saying is, I
should start fighting crime?

- I'm saying that
the failure to settle

is a sign of a greater path.
(gentle spirited music)

- Oh, yeah, and what's that?
- "The People's Joker."

It was foretold that
someday a clown would rise

to restore the power of comedy

from those who have stolen it.

That this person
would reclaim comedy

and would repurify
it as an art form.

- It sounds pretentious.
- It is.

Comedy has long held a lofty
view of itself for its ability

to see and to disseminate truth.

But truth controlled by
autocracy is a distortion.

The prophecy states that
a man will come forth

that sees the
virtue and madness.

A man that truly understands
the healing power of laughter.

- Question, what if she's
not sure she's a man?

- Joker, are you ready to begin?

- Sure.
(upbeat music)

- [Ra's] A true jokeman
doesn't tell jokes.

(upbeat rap music)
He tells the truth.

- Uh, an Atlantean, a
Kryptonian and a metahuman

walk into a bar.
- So if you're living a lie,

you can't be a jokeman.

- [Joker] How come people
always bring tomatoes

to comedy shows?

- We lie when we are afraid.

So tell me, Joker the Harlequin,

(swords clank)
(Joker breathes heavily)

what do you fear?
(gentle music)

- My mother,

my boyfriend as well.

- What you really fear
is inside yourself.

You fear your own
power and truth.

Now you must journey inwards,
breathe in your fears.

Breathe.

(gentle suspenseful music)

(static hissing)
(Joker groans)

(dramatic music)
- Where are you?

- I'm back in Arkham.
(gentle suspenseful music)

(gentle music)
- What do you see?

- Crane.
- Have you come for a refill,

sonny boy?
- He can't hurt you.

- You ruined my life, Crane.

And I'm certain you
ruined so many others.

- I don't ruin lives,
(gentle suspenseful music)

I make them super sane.

(suspenseful music)
(Crane laughs)

I give the gift of victimhood.

(upbeat music)
(crowd howling)

Any red-blooded Gotham
who wants to be a victim,

but they're all
waiting for a man

in a rubber suit to save them.

- [Joker] I'm not a victim,
and I'm not afraid of you!

- [Crane] Ah, but you
should be afraid of me.

- Without fear, what
will you hold on to?

Oh, my poor little boy.

- What, what, what, what?
- I've never been a boy.

And I think you've
always known that, Mama.

- I know what I
thought about my mother

and I couldn't handle if
somebody felt about me

the way I felt about her.

- [Penguin And Mom]
So, yes, yes, Joker.

- I knew you were a little girl,

a trapped, miserable
little girl.

But I was protecting
you from growing up

and turning into a
trapped, miserable woman

because I know what
that feels like.

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(fire blazing)

- I've just been walking around
in circles my entire life.

- We all do, my dear.

And you can't blame yourself

for repeating the only
cycle you ever knew.

We're human and we
all need family.

- It's more than that,
Ra's, and you know it, it-

- What do you know
about clownfish?

- What is it with
this movie and fish?

No, I don't like Pixar,

I find them emotionally
manipulative.

And John Lasseter is a
walking boundary violation

in an Hawaiian shirt.

- Japanese clownfish,
like humans,

have a very strict
social structure.

But in clownfish
society, women rule,

(gentle magical music)
a school of clownfish

is always led by one female.

She leads the path and she
mates with all the men.

But when the
dominant female dies,

the largest male
will change his sex

and resume her former role
as mother of the school.

- Are you telling me this
to make me jealous of fish?

- No, I'm telling you this

'cause clownfish know that
identity is not fixed.

What you were before is
irrelevant to who you are today.

So who are you?

(Joker exhales sharply)

- I still don't know.

- Well, we'll soon find out.

- Do I have what it takes?

- We'll find that out
as well, I suppose.

By the way, take a look at this.

- What's this, more prophecy?

- Notes from our
board of censors.

- I can't do drugs on camera,

I can't talk about
Bruce Wayne or Batman,

and I can't wear
drag, that's my act.

- You had to expect there
would be some rules.

- It's not drag Ra's and you
know that, it's my clothes.

- I tried to explain
that to Lorne,

but he wants to ease
people into your situation.

- My situation?

It's bullshit, it's bullshit!

I you, you, all day,
you've been telling me

to find my truth.

- Look, don't shoot
the messenger.

I'm not trying to tell
you to do anything.

- You're another old rich
guy who doesn't get it.

- I'm just relaying a
message from my bosses.

Did I say you need to
listen to that message?

- Yeah, and what about
"The People's Joker,"

would he listen?

- You know what? I
think she wouldn't.

(fire continues blazing)

- Okay.

Okay.
(calm upbeat music)

So what now?

- It's time for you to
get ready for the show.

(upbeat music)

(dramatic upbeat music)

♪ Bow before our jungle queen ♪

(artist howls)

♪ The spunkiest chick,
I've seen on screens ♪

(artist howls)
♪ Will she name her pronouns ♪

♪ Body woman ♪

♪ Body woman ♪

♪ Rock a body like no gal can ♪

♪ A sexy sensation
of Jokerfication ♪

♪ Body woman ♪

♪ Body woman ♪

♪ Girl lives in a shallow ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

(artist cheers)

(wings flapping)
- Holy shit!

(suspenseful music)

(tires screeching)
- Joker, get in.

- Ah, no.
- Ah, come on,

you're already late as is.

- Fine.
(car engine revving)

- So, ready for the show?

- Yeah, I am ready for the
show, please, just drive.

(horns beeping)

- When are we gonna
set aside some time

so we can talk about us?

- Are you kidding me
right now? Talk about us?

- Pull over, Jason.
- God, we got company.

- All the more reason for us

to not have this
conversation right now.

- Look, I screwed
up. I am screwed up.

And that's why
you're the only one

for me because so are you.

- [Joker] Just a reminder,
kids, this is not romantic,

and I will show you the
checklist again if I have to.

- It's not you that I
want Jason, it's her,

it's Joker, nobody's
gonna take away my dream

of hosting "UCB Live."
(dramatic music)

- You really think
you're gonna be able

to transition without me?

- (laughs) Why is
it always about you?

- This isn't about me at
all, this is about you.

Think about it, think about
all the progress you made

when we were together.
(suspenseful music)

You would've never
- Yeah,

you're right.
- figured out who you were

without me.
- You're right,

I would've never figured
out who I was without you

because I finally
had love in my life.

I finally had
somebody who genuinely

and authentically loved me.

And it's just my luck,
the ultimate joke of it

is, I found love from
an unstable clown

with a Damaged
tattoo on his head.

Of course, I fell in love
with the most traumatized boy

on the planet.

Of course, I thought
if I just fixed you,

I could finally fix me.

(bat thuds)
Stupid Bats!

(car engine revving)

- I've never thought
you needed to be fixed.

- Dummy, that is why
you're the first person

that genuinely loved me.
(gun firing)

- Still love you.
- Puddin', puddin',

I can't swim!
(barrier shatters)

(static hisses)

(gentle suspenseful music)
(water burbling)

(gentle poignant music)

Come on, Jason, wake
up. (inhales sharply)

(water splashing)

(Jason sputtering)

Oh, thank you, God.
(cape flaps)

Ah, fuck you, God.

All right, Batsy,
you wanna get nuts?

(pump whooshes)
(rubber squeaks)

Let's get nuts.

(laughs) Whoa!
(gentle suspenseful music)

(Joker groans)

(Batman groans)
- Don't worry, Bruce,

we're not gonna kill ya.
- Ow.

- We're gonna hurt ya
really, really bad.

(Batman thuds)
(Batman groans)

Ain't that right, Penguin?

- Yeah, we're gonna
treat you real ice.

(whip cracks)

- Selina?
- Bruce.

- Batman knows Catwoman?

- I went on one lousy date

and he's going around telling
people I'm a sex worker.

Not that there's anything
wrong with sex work,

it's just girls can be cat
burglars, Frank Miller.

- And gender nonconforming
plant people can be botanists.

(Batman groans)
Isn't that right,

you plagiaristic
sack of fleshy fauna?

- What are you people?
(gentle spirited music)

- (laughs) Don't you see, Bruce?

We're the jokers of the
(cat growls)

daughters, we're the
daughters of the jokers

you couldn't burn.

(laughs) Get it?

- Nope.
(Ivy groans)

- He's getting away!

- Got him!

(Ivy squealing)
(suspenseful music)

(zip line booms and whooshes)
(arrow thuds)

Just a grown man who
plays with toys all night.

(thunder rumbles)
(lightning crashes)

(Batman groans)
- You like that, Batman?

That's my impression of
one of your Batdrones

concussing my mother. (laughs)

- At least your
mother's still alive.

- Ah, so that's where
Jason picked that one up.

(fist thuds)
(both grunting)

(Batman thuds)
(suspenseful music)

(thunder rumbling)
(fists thudding)

- (groans) Let go of
me, you crazy bitch.

- I am not crazy!
(gentle spirited music)

(Batman screams)

(mouth crunches and gulps)

I'm super sane! (laughs)

(suspenseful music)

(calm music)

All right, I'm pretty sure
I just killed that Batman.

Can you at least agree with me
that we need to take a break?

- (exhales sharply)
Yeah, maybe you're right.

I was just really hoping for
a happy ending here for us.

- You were my happy beginning

and, honestly, I needed
that way more right now.

But I'm gonna be late
and I ripped my jacket

so I have nothing to wear.

I don't know, a
Joker in a red suit?

- Oh, come on.

- I'll make it work.

Bye, puddin'.

(Jason exhales sharply)

- [Perry] Look, I
don't wanna scare you,

but do you know what this
movement is really about?

Transsexual Reptilian Agenda.

(artist singing in
foreign language)

(artist continues singing
in foreign language)

(artist continues singing
in foreign language)

(upbeat music)
- Live from Downtown Gotham,

it's "UCB Live"
(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

with David Spade,

Rudolf Hess,

Hermann Gorig,

David Spade,

with musical guest,
Ben Folds Five.

(audience claps)
And tonight's host,

Joker the Harlequin.
(audience laughs)

- Thank you so much, Gotham
City. How we doing tonight?

(audience claps)

I'm Joker the Harlequin here
to ease you into my situation.

(audience laughs)

Um, well, uh, you know, as
the first openly queer person

on the "UCB" cast, normally
it'd probably be my duty

to come out here and
make all you cishets

feel comfortable.

But I'm not sure if you
noticed on the drive over here,

things aren't exactly,
uh, comfortable

in Gotham City
right now, are they?

(audience laughs)

Jesus, you guys are really
desperate for a laugh, huh?

(audience laughs)

Covfefe.
(audience laughs and claps)

(dramatic music)
Uh-huh.

(suspenseful music)

Oh my God it's Smylex.

(scoffs) You know, I
should have known, Lorne,

Lorne Michaels wanted me
to come out here tonight

dressed up like a man.
- What the hell is he doing?

- She's doing exactly
what I trained her to do.

- And I'm not a man.

People have been trying
to convince me that I am

for my entire life and
I'm not, I'm not a man.

And I'm not a woman
with an asterisk either.

I'm not a Joker,
I'm not a Harlequin,

I'm not a hero, and I'm
not a villain either,

because heroes and
villains don't exist.

(wires sizzling)
They were just invented

to sell you soda, life is
not a comic book movie,

believe me.
- That should have been me.

- I really wish it was.

The truth is, we're all
capable of being heroes

and villains at
any given moment,

it just depends on what
we choose to show up as.

And, you know, another
thing, I'm sure this show

was really funny at one point,

I don't really remember
it ever being funny,

maybe back in the '70s,
(audience laughs)

all it remember doing
- My God,

I'm ruined.
- is convincing us

politicians are
actually comedians,

and that comedians are
moral arbiters of truth

that we should turn
to for answers.

And what could be more
irresponsible than that?

All we can do is
hurt each other.

And if we're lucky, maybe
tell a Tinder bit or two.

(audience laughs)

You know what?

Who wants to hear the classic
Joker the Harlequin bit:

The saddest story ever told?

(audience claps)

Yeah, yeah? Okay, cool.

Well, once upon a time,
(gentle suspenseful music)

there was this little
boy named Bruce

who had all of the money
(audience laughs)

in the world,
(sniffing and sighing)

and he wouldn't shut up about
his stupid dead parents.

(audience laughs)

My empire!

(Lorne screams and groans)

- (groans) No!
(plant screeches)

(Joker laughing)

- And he couldn't face the
truth about who he really was,

(sniffs and sighs) so
he stayed up all night.

(Joker laughs)
(audience laughs)

He stayed up all night,
dressed up like a goddamn bat!

(audience laughs)
(Joker sniffs)

(air hissing)

(Joker pops)
- [Audience] Ah!

(gentle suspenseful music)

(gentle spirited music)

(gentle spirited
music continues)

(gentle spirited
music continues)

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(electronic beeping)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(Joker screams)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle suspenseful music)

- Where on Earth am I?

(gentle chimes)

- Who said anything about
being on Earth, pretty lady?

- (chuckles) Well, hey,
little guy, who are you?

- I'm Mx. Mxyzptlk, that's who.

- Mr. Mix-a-what?

- Mx. Mxyzptlk.
(gentle chimes)

- Oh.
- And you are in

the fifth dimension.
(drum roll rumbling)

(tambourine rings)
(groans) Not entirely unusual

for someone once they've
achieved a super psyche.

- Oh, cool. Well,
what else can I do?

- Ah, pretty much
anything you want.

You wanna see Richard Pryor
having sex with Marlon Brando?

- I mean.
- I mean, who doesn't, right?

- Yeah, duh.
(static hisses)

Good for them, to be honest.

- Well, I suppose you wanna
see the birth of Rick Moranis

just to see if his parents knew

they had a winner
right out the gate?

(Rick cooing)
(gentle chimes)

- [Doctor] Congratulations,
Mr. and Mrs. Moranis,

he's gonna be a
national treasure.

- [Mxyzptlk] Or sail
through the multiverse

and any of infinite
possible timelines.

- So let me get this straight,

you're saying that not only
are there an infinite number

of dimensions, there's
also an infinite number

of possible timelines?
- Precisely,

(Mxyzptlk exhales sharply)

my dear, our
universe is just one

of many existing
in a vast structure

of alternate possibilities.

- Hey, that's me.
- No, she's you.

- Oh.

(dramatic music)
(static hisses)

Say, Mx. Mxyzptlk,
- Mm-hmm?

- do you think you can clean
up my timeline a little bit?

- Uh, (sighs) I'm not so
sure that's a good idea.

The last time I did that,
the Endless exiled me.

- Please, Mx. Mixy? Please?

(gentle spirited music)

♪ I laugh on the outside ♪

♪ But my smile's
just skin deep ♪

♪ Deep down inside, I want to
cry and weep myself to sleep ♪

- Aw.

♪ See Gotham's dark and dirty ♪

♪ And not to sound forlorn ♪

♪ I'm sad to say ♪
- Uh-huh?

♪ Though Batman's gay ♪

♪ He's a closeted warlord ♪

- Mm-hmm.

♪ So Mixy, Mx. Mixy ♪

♪ With the powers
that you wield ♪

- Ah, here we go.
♪ Spread light ♪

♪ Into my darkened world
and make my smile real ♪

♪ Well ♪

Oh, all right.

♪ With the wave of my imp hand,
I'll make your city clean ♪

♪ You'll do comedy legally ♪

♪ The streets will
be less mean ♪

(Mxyzptlk whistling)
(bomb booms)

♪ Where clowns will get
the help they need ♪

♪ Without all the guilt trips ♪

♪ From the State,
no longer put away ♪

♪ By a man with rubber nips ♪

- Wow! Oh, oh!

♪ Mixy, Mx. Mixy ♪

♪ While we're making
things ideal ♪

♪ Dimension swapping Batsy
would make my smile real ♪

- Well, the pickings
are rather slim,

what you thinking, Harlequin?

- Hmm? Billionaire
toy, MeToo playboy.

- Not him.
- Not him.

- Not him.
(book whistles)

♪ Well, Batman should be kind ♪

♪ Sweet and not a slob ♪

♪ Oh, wait, (chuckles) I know
just the Penguin for the job ♪

- (chuckles) That bitch.

♪ But Batman needs a Joker ♪

♪ Do you wish that to be you ♪

♪ If it's so, then let me know ♪

♪ And I'll bid you adieu ♪

- No,

if I only get one more.
(light switch clicks)

♪ I could wish for love
or fame, but I had them ♪

♪ And they didn't set
my sad heart free ♪

♪ I could wish to be cis ♪

♪ But I've done
so much as this ♪

♪ I'm the woman
that I want to be ♪

♪ But they say that I smiled ♪

♪ When I was a child ♪

♪ Oh, so naturally ♪

♪ So my wish ♪

♪ Will have to be ♪

♪ Just one happy memory ♪

- Why for you, dear
People's Joker,

no request is barred, but
this wish came true in '92

in your mama's car.
(upbeat music)

♪ I'm a lover ♪
♪ I'm a singer ♪

♪ And I'm making dinner ♪

- (laughs) Why?
- (laughs) Why not?

(Joker and Mom laughing)
(upbeat music)

♪ I'm a joker, I'm a smoker ♪

♪ I'm a midnight cookie eater ♪

- Cookie, what?
(both laughing)

Mixy, thank you.
(gentle pensive music)

It's, this is honestly
all I ever wanted.

- Well, don't forget what
happened to the little boy

who suddenly got
everything he ever wanted,

she lived happily ever after.

(upbeat spirited music)

(upbeat music)

♪ If I were a hero for a day ♪

♪ I'd go back in time
to save my village ♪

♪ From learning
everything that changed ♪

♪ Would I really do
with all the good ♪

♪ To replace my life
with what it could be ♪

♪ I know you don't
know me, but I do ♪

♪ Will improve it, but I still
try to live another day ♪

(calm upbeat music)

♪ Here comes the world's
greatest bird detective ♪

(dramatic music)
(siren wailing)

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
(fist thudding)

♪ Nothing's much,
much more effective ♪

(crowd claps)

♪ Batguin, Batguin ♪
(fists thuds)

♪ Protector of the night ♪

♪ Making up with Justice
What he lacks in flight ♪

♪ Batguin, Batguin ♪

♪ Fighting real crime ♪
(mouth crunching)

♪ Used to be the Penguin,
now it's Batguin time ♪

♪ Batguin ♪
- I got a penguin belly,

but for a Batguin, we're Bat.

(breathes heavily) Batguin.

It's me, Penguin.

Ha!
(calm upbeat music)

♪ If I'm not alone ♪
(audience claps and cheers)

♪ Then why do we feel alone ♪

♪ And if none of us are alone ♪

♪ Then why are we lonely ♪

♪ And if I'm unwise ♪

♪ Then why can't I
give good advice ♪

♪ Are all of us
just leading lives ♪

♪ As leading roles ♪

♪ Well, I don't know,
but they've said ♪

♪ Kid, you're delusional now ♪

♪ This life is a movie ♪

♪ It'll be over soon ♪

♪ You'll either win,
or meet your doom ♪

♪ That can't be correct 'cuz
I've seen the trouble I'm in ♪

♪ One day, you'll ♪
♪ It seems to be ours ♪

♪ It seems to be ours ♪

♪ Oh, no, but now,
I'm walking on back ♪

♪ And I just found ♪

- You will not silence
the silent majority.

You won't block a bald eagle

and you cannot
shadow-ban short rib.

(calm upbeat music)
- Have you ever tried DMT?

- [Announcer] The
Riddler may be in jail,

but passing up this offer
would be a bigger crime.

- I do, am intrigued about
what you're doing though,

uh, about a, um,
(calm upbeat music)

a indie Batman queer
coming-of-age film.

I think good for you,
I think that, uh,

you're taking a chance,
you're breaking barriers.

Uh, why not? Why not?

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

♪ So when's my part
supposed to end? ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't
want to wait for ♪

♪ The people to stand ♪

♪ The credits roll, the
seats all collapse ♪

♪ Did they get the joke?
♪ Did they get the joke?

♪ Did anything land? ♪

♪ Did anything land? ♪

♪ If I were a
villain for a day ♪

♪ I'd want to pick
apart that brain ♪

♪ And throw the memories
of my mistakes away ♪

♪ But I have to let them stay ♪

(upbeat music)
- Do you know what?

Everyone in this theater
go fucking crazy!

It's the end of the song and
we want this theater electric.

I bet you want to get home, but,

bitches on heat
seem like this, so.

Have a good night!
(upbeat music continues)

♪ Well, isn't is beautiful
how this life is a movie ♪

♪ And it'll be over soon ♪

♪ Whether you win,
or meet your doom ♪

♪ You'll be rewarded by time ♪

♪ For even having
the guts to try ♪

♪ 'Cause movies last
for as many nights ♪

♪ As the ones you love ♪

(artist harmonizing)

(gentle music)
(machine whirring)

(gentle suspenseful music)
(characters chuckling)

(calm upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(spirited triumphant music)

(gentle chimes)