Original subtitles

Bloody hell.

HE SIGHS

HE GRUNTS

UNDER BREATH: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

..yes!

Hey, I'm up a tree.

Oh, well, I'll let the Pride Of Britain people know.

Don't be like that. It doesn't feel stable.

It's the only place I can get a signal. What do you want, Wicky?

I'm in Wales.

Again, congratulations.

Give my love to...

What are those dolls with the big hats? What do you want?

I can't find this murder scene.

I can't even find any houses, to be honest.

I thought I saw a bloke to ask directions earlier -

turned out just to be a giant crow.

I mean, like, crazy big, a-kid-could-ride-it big.

Look, I can't help you. What? Why?

Cos it's not my jurisdiction.

Oh, help me out, Ruth. For old times' sake.

Look, I can't help you because we don't cover Wales.

I don't even know about a murder.

Well, who do I talk to, then?

Well, I don't know, you berk. The Welsh police?

Wales doesn't have its own police force, Ruth. Grow up.

Look, I need to get on. Hang on... I CAN see a house.

I'll go to that. Right. Well, thanks for being no help whatsoever.

And when are you coming down the pub again?

You haven't been in there for ages. The bloody nerve of you.

Are you a lightweight now, as well?

Ruth?

There we are. Steady, now.

Steady...

All right?

THUD Timber, you bloody fool!

Sorry. Have you no respect for the departed?

Butter fingers.

I don't have butter on my fingers.

He doesn't. He just has a pathological disregard

for those that have passed.

I do respect those that have passed, Richard.

He looks pretty respectful. Size of that hat.

You think this is the first body he's dropped?

He drops a body on a near weekly basis.

Treats those who are no longer with us like a collection of yo-yos.

He was waving, Richard.

Hm...

I'm going to leave you to it, lads.

Right. This time, with respect.

Better.

Good grief.

Harrowing, isn't it?

OK, we're instigating a no-sneaking-up-in-the-creepy-cottage rule.

What the hell happened?

Police are baffled. They think foul play.

You sure? He might have cut himself shaving, no?

They don't have the faintest idea

who would have beef with a gamekeeper.

Fair enough. He'd have pheasant if anything, play to his strengths.

Side serving of root veg, lovely glass of heavy red,

what a charming evening.

You are a tough crowd. I prefer not to jest.

You're telling me. Well, someone didn't like him.

That is a frenzied attack.

No. No? No.

A crossbow through the heart. He would have died almost instantly.

So why all the blood? I'd rather not say.

What? Why? Respect to those who have crossed to another realm.

Don't be daft. I'm never daft.

Look at the way I'm dressed.

This is not daft attire.

Can YOU tell me? Don't you dare, Timber.

You ignore him, Tim... Timber, is it?

Yes. He won't say, either. And his name's Timber? Yes.

Re...

OK, look, lads, the thing is, I do have respect for the dead.

Those that are no longer in earthly constraints.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, them.

But I'm going to need to know what sort of blood that is.

It's the gamekeeper's blood. Quiet!

What do you mean? Different blood needs different chemicals to get it up, all right?

If anything, you'd be more respectful by telling me,

because it will stop me from wiping he who has escaped this earthly plane around the floor

like a big old juicy meat pie.

Hm...

Timber, go wait in the car. Why? Because I asked you to.

You may drive us to the parlour.

Really? I'll go warm the engine up. Don't rev it.

Remember...we have a distinguished passenger.

Now, do you wish me to explain the amount of blood? Yes.

Please.

Let's just say, the cadaver was not left intact.

I don't know what that means.

His anatomy was not appropriately fused post mortem.

I still don't know what you're talking about.

The victim's earthly remains had been tampered with.

OK, mate, you and I are going to fall out in a minute. I'm being respectful.

This isn't respectful. This is like talking to a pissed wizard.

Hm. In the attack... that snuffed out the life...

Someone chopped his head off. Ah. Get out!

I just want to know if I can bring the hearse around. Yes, you may bring the hearse around!

Slowly. Remember, you are... At the helm of a person's final earthly journey, I know. Good.

Well... Who the hell would have wanted to ch...

Who'd want to do that to him?

I'd rather not speculate.

And after they HAD done it to him, where did they take the...

..the, um...

..bonce? Bonce?

Yeah, I went with bonce.

Hm...

The head was found by the door,

as if dropped on exit.

One feels the intention was to remove it from the scene.

The local police are quite traumatised.

They would be, wouldn't they?

The only crime they get round here normally is someone nicking a Zoom lolly from a post-office freezer.

Zoom? I'm projecting.

It's a crime I got away with as a child -

I've been...haunted by guilt ever since.

Right.

Well, we better get the poor fellow back to the parlour for preparation.

New shirt, spot of powder, sew his head back on, is it?

Please! Some respect!

ENGINE REVS, CRASH Richard!

Timber!

No! Timber!

Well?

I don't know, they've gone out the front.

And my present?

Well, it's gone, isn't it?

Where would it have gone?

Well, I imagine they put it in the coffin with the rest of him.

It would still be mine if you hadn't dropped it.

I didn't think we'd be disturbed.

Though, if I had, I would have put my fingers up the nostrils for a better grip.

You dropped my head.

There wouldn't have been a head to drop, if it wasn't for me.

I must have it, so that part of him belongs to me. I must own him.

Give it a bloody rest.

Give what a rest?

The husky voice, the...dramatic gestures,

the flared nostrils. You think I flare my nostrils?

Yeah, you bloody do. Giving it the big 'un while I do all the work.

Oh, really? Who selected the kill?

Who planned the route? Who filled the car up?

Arranged for a dog sitter?

Hm? Who packed the killing kit?

Hm? You don't even know what's in the killing kit.

Why are you being like this?

I'm not being like anything. I just wouldn't mind some gratitude, sometimes.

Do you not find me grateful?

Don't, no, no, don't start...

Will you get it back?

For me? You know I will.

No...no.

No, we can't have creepy death sex now, no.

We've got things to do.

Oh, God, I'm helpless.

HE MOANS

I'm just not used to an automatic, Richard.

Please, no excuses. Let's just try and afford our client some dignity.

Is he a client? Not really a client, is he?

Why wouldn't he be the client?

I suppose I thought it'd be hard to settle an invoice when he hasn't got a head on his shoulders.

We need to phone for a recovery vehicle.

I tried, there's no signal. Well, then you'll have to find one.

There's a tree about two miles down there you can use.

Get in, I'll give you a lift. The walk will do him good. Quick as you like, Timber.

CAR DOOR SLAMS

I've got a question. Why am I so hard on him?

Because I know...

..that one day...

..he will have to fend for himself.

Because I won't be here,

and because every night, I go to bed knowing

he will never be able to cope.

That is why I am so hard

on my poor, baby brother.

No, why is he called Timber?

Oh. When he was a kid, he kept falling down. Oh.

What's his real name? Timber. Oh, right.

Well?

They've just gone back in. Well, two of them have.

And the other one has my head? No, the hearse hasn't left yet.

Just listen when I tell you things, or YOU take over the watch.

You're being really grumpy today. I'm not being grumpy,

it's just you forget, this is my day off.

I've got mountain of paperwork waiting for me tomorrow.

You know, this is supposed to be fun.

I must have it. It's how I possess him.

Do you know that?

I've been thinking... Do you think, just this once...

..can we just leave it there, today?

You know, we did a really good kill.

It was... It was neat, and...

Could you maybe just leave without a trophy, just this once?

And what do you propose we do with the rest of the day?

Well, I thought we could get a takeaway and watch The Chase.

Everyone takes a trophy.

All our favourites - Peter, Ted, Dennis. They all took trophies.

We said we were going to do this properly.

We said we were going to be the best.

I know... Oh, does he think he's better than Dennis, all of a sudden?

"Oh, I've done enough for today. Now I'll just have a jalfrezi,

"and fingers crossed, I just make it into the history books, anyway."

Look at the state of you. You've barely pulled a comb through your hair.

Sorry... Just tired.

Why don't you have a sleep, then?

Sure Fred and Rose built naps into their routine.

I'll get you the head. Thank you.

There we are. Ah, thank you.

You must see some awful things.

Yeah. You just normalise it after a while, though, don't you?

But you must know that.

Normalise death?

Well, yeah. Blood's blood after a while, isn't it?

A body's just... No, it is not.

The earthly remains are precious to those left behind.

They shoulder the burden and it is to them I show my respect

with the care that I take. Yeah, I know what you mean.

I never get to meet the relatives, but I... I do like...

Putting things right.

Yes. That's what I always say, I like to put things right.

Erase the signs of the pain their loved ones endured.

Exactly. See, there you go, Mr Big Hat, we're not so different.

What does your partner think of this grisly profession?

Ah, well, that lucky lady is yet to make herself known.

You don't have a partner?

No. Do you?

Of course. I'm in my 50s.

Well, 50's the new 35, isn't it? So...

Well, who will look after things if you were to...

..you know? Die?

I think we're all right for a few years yet.

HE GRUNTS

Are you sure?

How much do you weigh?

I'm at my fighting weight.

You're very fat.

Blood pressure high?

Not that I'm aware of, no.

Get dizzy when you stand?

No. You're almost certainly pre-diabetic, you know that?

How many days a week do you drink?

Only on the ones with the word "day" in them. Am I right?

No laughing matter.

Your liver must be foie gras.

Oh, yeah, I'm a giant human goose.

You have had no-one in your life to implore you to exercise restraint.

Delayed gratification. You eat and drink what you want, when you want.

You have no-one to love you and you have failed to love yourself.

Bloody hell! Sorry, none of my business.

I'm perfectly happy on my own, thank you.

For now.

If you've had no-one to look after you in this life,

who will look after you when you've gone?

Well, don't walk out now!

I'm starting to get bored.

You know what happens when I get bored.

Listening? Yes! Sh!

Just give me a minute.

Something's happening.

I might have had one of my ideas.

Oh, I like your ideas. Is it very dark?

Oh...

Black as, baby. Mm.

Why would I need someone to look after me when I'm dead?

Pauper's grave for you, then? It's a little Dickensian, isn't it?

You're a little Dickensian. What?

Nothing.

Look, what do you mean?

Well, let's start with the basics.

Who would arrange and pay for your funeral?

I don't know. The lads?

You have sons? No. No, the lads from the pub.

So no partner or children, no family, and your parents?

One dead, one dead to me.

I see.

I've got a sister. Someone to bury you, at least.

Are you close? I mean, she's got a family of her own, so...

Just the lads from a pub, then.

Oh, God... What?

I've just remembered the funeral they arranged for Trinidad Dave.

Would he not have approved, Trinidad Dave?

I mean, they meant well, but...

..they... CARIBBEAN MUSIC

..they took it in turns to limbo under his coffin.

Oh... God, you're right.

I can't let them arrange my funeral.

What happens to your body...

..is the tip of the iceberg.

Your soul should be your biggest concern.

Stop saying cryptic things and then walking off!

Oh...

Richard's going to be so cross.

Basically, what you're saying is just religious mumbo jumbo.

You think so?

I have to have someone to look after my soul?

Do you think you'd get away with spouting that sort of nonsense in front of Professor Brian Cox?

He'd make you feel this big with his piercing eyes and his soft, wet lips.

I'm not religious. What?

I don't have a faith.

So why do you need a bloody soul chaperone?

I have people who love me above all others - my wife, my daughter,

my beautiful, innocent brother.

These are my chaperones.

When I pass, I will live on through them.

How? Everything you have done,

every memory you created,

every positive influence you had in the world,

they will take on a life of their own.

They will live on in the minds of those once touched.

My father lives here.

My grandparents, even.

And anyone I tell of them takes them on, too.

My father's name was Geraint.

Hmm...

You now have a little of my father inside you.

I don't want your father inside me.

Where have you cast your shadow, Wicky?

Who will be taking you on?

Keeping the memory of you alive?

The boys from the pub?

You're going to walk out again, aren't you?

Yeah.

Do you know what Philip Larkin said on the subject?

Something about it being perfect.

He said, "What will survive of us is love."

OK, the young one's clearly gone off to get the hearse fixed.

That could take ages.

We'll wait it out.

And when he gets back, he'll take my head.

I know, I know, but we have to be practical sometimes, sweetheart.

We've probably lost that trophy, but I told you that.

I have an idea. I thought we might get another one.

A different head. A jogger... on the way home. Mm-mm.

Once the undertakers have gone...

..I could get you a very big head indeed.

I like the big head.

I want the big head. We need to stay focused.

I have to get into the bloodlust zone if I'm to take a second life.

Imagine a double murder.

Hm?

I didn't hear anything you said. You can just let me go.

HE WAILS

Is that..? Timber!

SHOUTING: Timber!

Oh, thank God. Can you help?

He's had a terrible fall.

HIGH-PITCHED WAIL

A chair...

Put you down here.

Thanks so much.

What were you two doing out there?

Er, we're bird-watchers.

We are.

We like watching...

..birds.

What happened here?

Oh... It was just an accident.

Someone cut themselves shaving?

I did say that! Please.

WHISPERING: He doesn't like people dissing the dead.

We don't have a telephone signal here.

My brother will be back soon, so we'll organise something then,

but it doesn't seem broken to me.

Are you very close with your brother?

Yes. Very.

Adorable.

Such a shame about this accident.

It's very sad for someone to die all alone out here.

Is there anything more tragic?

Hey, don't start, you.

Where is he?

Where's who?

Where is the body?

What does that matter to you? HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Oh... Could I have some tea? I think I may be in shock.

I can make some tea.

The deceased is in the hearse, if that's what you mean.

We're having transport problems.

Oh, you've got problems, all right.

Would you like some tea, dear?

How long have you two been birdwatching?

Oh, a...long time.

Years.

What's your favourite bird?

I like a curlew. They're inquisitive.

Oh. And you?

Why do you ask?

Just answer the question, dear.

Why should I?

I've got another question, if you don't like that one.

How did you know it was a "he"?

What?

You said the victim was a "he". How did you know?

I'm saying you're murderers, just to be clear.

I think you two are murderers!

HE YELLS

Ugh! THUD

I like the robin.

Fiercely territorial.

You said I'd have to stand up one day, Richard.

You told me that one day I would be tested.

Today, I become a man.

THUD

Shall we take it now? Shall we just take it straight away?

Don't be ridiculous, it has to be dead first.

Why? It might be more fun just to take it now.

It wouldn't stay still enough. It would scream. We're lucky enough to have it tied up at all,

with all the hints you were bloody giving,

and now I've got two of them to deal with. I got over-excited.

Yeah, well, you always do.

You were supposed to wait for the undertaker to go.

PATHETICALLY: Humph. Don't be mad at her.

You're not the one who has to kill three of them in one day.

And all because you have to take your souvenir.

Hang on... Am I one of the three?

And what are you planning to take?

HE GASPS

My head!

My beautiful head!

You can't kill me!

Oh, I'm afraid that horse has bolted.

Put it back! Put the horse back in the stable.

It's massive.

I don't even know where we'd keep it.

I'll build a shelf, an extra-wide one.

You're going to get it...

..I promise.

THEY MOAN

MOANING CONTINUES

Do you actually mind?

Don't you raise your voice to ME...

..or maybe I'll do as she asked.

Do it.

Do it, please.

But why would you want to?

I'm just a bloke.

I haven't even found anyone to look after my soul yet.

What? Just give me a few more years to find someone to remember me when I'm dead.

What is it talking about?

I haven't got anyone who'll care if you murder me.

Well, I have, but it's not going to ruin anyone's life.

Sur... Surely you want to murder someone people will miss?

Why would I care about that? Why would he care?

Don't you people want to be famous?

You're not going to get famous by killing a nobody.

We're going to make YOU famous, too, silly.

Your famous, massive head...

..on...my...shelf.

WOMAN: Surprise!

Taser, taser, taser.

Ugh!

GRUNTING

All right, dickhead?

They were going to chop my head off.

Where would they have kept that? It's massive.

Yeah...

Did I do well, Richard? I'm very proud of you.

Bit dramatic, all this, innit, babs? Just a bit.

I've got a question. How did I know to come?

Just heard two DCs in the station talking about some murders in rural Wales.

They were getting all excited it was a serial killer.

Then I remembered you ringing.

No. Why did you say "taser" three times?

SHE CHUCKLES

What, so you just came on the off-chance?

I thought, if I know anyone unlucky enough to be murdered in rural Wales,

it's you.

I'm not unlucky.

You've bought tickets to the White Horse Christmas raffle for 25 years.

You've won nothing.

Yeah, because Mervyn fixes it, I've told you.

It's just a way of getting cheap meat for his cousins.

Back to Brum, then? Please.

I need a pint. So will you be naming your firstborn after me, then, now I've saved your life?

Oh, God, yeah. Even if it's a boy. Especially if it's a boy.

No, you'd be better with girls. You're not man enough to raise boys.

Shut up. I'm a hunk.

You didn't look very hunky in there.

What, when the murderers were trying to chop my head off?

How come you're in this?

It's my car.

Why aren't you in a cop car?

I told you, Wales isn't my jurisdiction.

But you were at work.

I took the afternoon off.

Why?

I just had a bad feeling.

You are a disgustingly nice person, aren't you?

It's horrible, actually. Good job, too, innit?

So...are you coming down The Horse later, then,

or are you feeling too almost-murdered?

Why did you do that?

Why did you come?

Well...cos I was worried about you.

I often am.

I'm a nobody.

Not to me.