Original subtitles

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have reached your final destination.

Owl!

THUD AND TYRES SCREECH

ENGINE CRANKS Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Augh!

Oh.

SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, good. I'm cleaning a creepy mansion.

HE SIGHS

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS

Hello?

Anyone there?

THREE BLIND MICE PLAYS CREEPILY

HE INHALES

Hello? It's just the cleaner.

Hello?

CLATTERING

THEY BOTH YELL

This has got four different chemicals in it.

One spray of this, you'll have a face like a plate of surf 'n' turf.

There is no violence in this heart.

You startled me is all. What's that in your hand?

This is a shard of a Himalayan rock salt.

The other hand? This is an indigenous woodwind instrument.

DEEP BELLOWING

Right. Both could be used as a weapon,

but I can see you've got no upper body strength.

None at all. Move forward. Slowly!

Why are you here?

I'm asking the questions.

Sorry, continue.

Why are YOU here?

I am a shaman.

I have been charged with escorting a soul from purgatory

to a peaceful plain.

What are you, a squatter?

No, I live in a yurt.

Huh, squat in the grass.

Why have you flooded this place with negative chi?

I'm here to clean.

They told me it'd be empty.

This house is far from empty.

Oh, yeah, I need you today, don't I?

Who requested your presence here? Oh.

Don't know. My boss just sends me to do a job.

Probably why I wasn't warned there was an extra

from Lord Of The Rings here. Who are you?

I am Dan Mancoocoomum.

What?

Dan Mancoocoomum.

That's your name? Yeah. Dan Mancoocoomum.

And that's on your passport, is it? Similar.

That's not your real name, is it? Reality is merely a construct.

What's on your birth certificate?

Dan Watson. Jackpot.

Something to refresh before your journey home. Eh?

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, I can't work with a cynical presence.

You'll have to leave. Now, you listen to me.

I am going to clean. A homeless person died here, right?

A lost soul took shelter here, yes.

He needs help crossing from this temporal strife

to a place where time is meaningless.

For that, he'll need more than a cleaner.

A crime scene cleaner.

Hmm. Why am I justifying myself to you, fox head? Who sent you here?

The new owners engaged me to guide this spirit to his rest.

WHISTLING

Maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe I'm imagining you.

What the...?

What is that? Mugwort.

Mate, that is the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth.

And I was runner-up in a welk-eating contest.

FYI, the winner died.

Finish the tea.

And then leave the cleaning to those with a higher purpose.

Look, I don't need this, mate.

Before the day even started,

I crashed my van cos I hit an owl, so...

Wait. Did you just say an owl?

Yes.

You should leave.

WHISTLING Stop doing that.

You clearly don't know the significance

of a collision with an owl. No, I don't.

Because they didn't offer GCSE Horseshit when I was at school.

What became of it?

What? I don't know.

It smashed off the windscreen, I presume it's dead.

Sort of bounced off.

Bounced?

You have to go back.

Yeah, I do. To get my stuff.

You must locate the owl.

It must not be left in pain.

You have to finish it.

What?!

You go back if you're so keen on roadkill mercy.

It's probably how you got your hat.

Go and get yourself an owl glove as well.

I'll clean up while you're gone.

No, I can't leave this place until my work here is done. Right.

So you get to sit around sipping hot mystic piss

while I go and murder an owl with a shovel.

I didn't say anything about a shovel.

The most humane thing to do would be...

It's an owl, mate.

I'll be there all day.

Gross.

Well, that's going in a skip for a start.

No physical objects may leave this space. Eh?

Look, how long do you need?

Depends. Right, best-case scenario.

20 mins. Oh, worst?

21 days.

OK. Enough.

I am not going to hang around while you dance around the room

with your nads out, or whatever it is you do.

You've got the time it takes me to go back to the van.

HE HUMS

Argh! Oh, oh, oh!

Oooooohhh!

Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes, please!

Meow! WICKY CHUCKLES

I'm sorry. There's nothing funny

about ushering the spirits of the dead

to their final place of rest.

There are some funny things about it.

HE HUMS

CLACKING

I'm going back to the van.

Chant and click faster.

Hey! Sacred sage from the Mojave Desert.

And? For your van.

Mate, it needs a mechanic and a panel beater, not a...

..big herb. Burn the sage.

Extinguish despair, and chant these words.

Hey-ey-ey-ey, mingala.

You may then drive your van once more.

It's a traditional wolf chant. Is it?

Do you see this? Yeah, I've noticed it.

Foxes are a conduit to wisdom.

Foxes wake me up by shagging in bins.

WICKY SIGHS

CLACKING

SHAMAN CHANTS

OWL HOOTS

ENGINE CRANKS

Come on. Go on!

ENGINE CRANKS Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!

Hey, mingala.

Hey, hey, mingala.

CHANTING: Hey, hey, mingala.

ENGINE STARTS

Shut up!

POP MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE

# Sweet like chocolate, boy

# Sweet like chocolate

# You bring me so much joy

# Sweet like chocolate... #

MUSIC STOPS AND SHAMAN CHANTS

Oh, that's funny.

I could've sworn I heard Sweet Like Chocolate

by Shanks & Bigfoot.

Your van started, didn't it? Look...

Are you done, or what? I need to get on.

Don't fight it, feel it.

Mate, I don't want to be here all night.

I have a spiritual conduit to build.

I'll leave you to potter around

in the shallow waters of human consciousness.

Hmm. Who said that?

Was it Shanks or Bigfoot?

Your sadness is a heavy burden to carry.

You are so smug.

What did you have for breakfast, did you have a bowl of...

..smug? Hmm.

Ah! Smug of coffee.

Yeah!

TROPICAL HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

No!

And what are you going to do with them?

Liberate them.

If you take their earthly life,

you condemn them to a spiritual halfway house.

FLY BUZZES

Oh!

I need to get on, mate.

I trust you will bury this little one. Yeah, yeah.

What's that?

A lemongrass root.

Have a Penguin, mate, for God's sake.

Mm.

Do you get paid for all this, then?

Money is meaningless to me.

Yes, I'm sure. Go on, tell me. I'll tell you.

£450.

What?!

For that?

Are you joking?!

How much do you get paid?

I'm not telling you.

But more, because it's real.

You're irritated by people

with an alternative belief system, aren't you?

Look, I'm sorry, mate.

I just think it's all made up.

By who?

By people who need to believe it.

Chatted to any ghosts yet?

Perhaps you might believe your own eyes.

Perhaps I should make contact.

With a spooky tramp?

He is one of the spirits here.

Let us see whom can be summoned.

RATTLING

DINGING

Is that the homeless guy?

Is that him, in the photo?

That is a photograph of the deceased.

I sometimes find it can help speed up connection.

Yeah, I know that problem.

My Wi-Fi slows down after ten because the neighbour's watching

conspiracy theory videos.

We share the same router.

I'm stealing my neighbour's internet.

Do you know, I've never admitted that before.

Maybe you are magic.

RATTLING

HE WAILS

Hello.

Would you like to come through?

Oh, come on.

Hello, duck.

Muriel here.

I was a housekeeper here in 1872.

Hard work, it was.

The mangle broke and, you see, the rollers weren't as close together

as they should've been and they didn't wring out the water

as much as they should have. Told the master,

but he said I'd have to make do.

Anyway, nice talking to you.

Ta-ra.

Thanks, Muriel. Goodbye.

Is that it?

Muriel came from the spirit world

just to tell you about her knackered mangle from 150 years ago?

Clearly it still rankles. Mate, I've got to get on.

RASPY BREATHS

HIGH-PITCHED: # Three blind mice

# Three blind mice. #

Hello, who's there?

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: This is Sebastian.

I'm the third and youngest son of Clarence and Julie.

Julie? For God's sake.

Yes, Mummy.

She was very upset when I got TB.

HE COUGHS I had to go to the sanatorium

for a while, but they could do no more for me.

HE COUGHS So I had to come back here

for my final days.

REGULAR VOICE: Sebastian? HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Yes.

Do you see that light?

Yes, it's very bright, isn't it?

Yes, Sebastian.

Now, I need you to walk towards that light

and then you will be reunited with your mummy.

Oh, I see. That's very nice.

Thanks a lot. All the best.

Goodbye.

HE SIGHS AND PANTS

Mate, can I hire you?

The lads down the pub would love this.

I've got to get on.

Ooh. If my nan swings by,

can you ask her where the keys to the garage are?

I want to get that mower sold.

I've just received a message from the other side.

You shouldn't be here. Oh.

This has got to stop.

You're a negative presence.

The owl was a sign. I should've known.

Look, mate. The game's up. I know you're not a shaman.

I heard you listening to Sweet Like Chocolate

by Shanks & Bigfoot.

Can't a shaman enjoy Shanks & Bigfoot?

Oh. SHAMAN SNIFFS

What are you doing?

Your aura.

Please stop sniffing my aura.

It bears the heavy stench of regret.

You distress the spirits in this place.

If you are to stay, I must cleanse you.

What do you need to do?

Using my hands on your body,

I will deliver good energy while simultaneously

extracting any negative vibrations.

Like reiki. Yeah, it is. It is a bit like reiki.

Right. This way?

HE GROANS

Close your eyes.

Is this too intimate? Just get on with it.

You've had your appendix out.

I have, actually.

You can just sense that? Sh, sh, sh, sh.

SHAMAN HUMS

RASPY GROANS

Ah!

Someone doesn't want you here.

Yeah, me. I don't want me here.

RASPING

Keith.

Welcome, Keith.

Who are you talking to?

I don't know anyone called Keith.

Is that Keith Patterson?

Hang on!

I do know someone called Keith Patterson.

From when I was a kid.

From school? Yeah.

That's Keith!

Keith's the dead homeless guy.

Ah.

Weasel's put you up to this.

This is a wind-up.

Keith says he remembers you from school.

But that you didn't call him

Keith Patterson then.

Oh, no.

He used to wet himself all the time,

so we called him Pissy Patterson.

Peepee Patterson.

Urine Geller. Slash.

The Lemonade-Trousered Kid.

Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, Patterson's pissed himself.

Wee Willie Tinkle. Duck-billed platy-piss.

Pissy Hynde. Packet of pissps.

Quentin Pissp.

Father Pissmas. Sh.

Piss Akabusi.

Henry Pissinger.

Packet of custard cream piss-cuits.

I just made that one up.

Why did you bait the child so?

Oh. I don't know, we just...

This is ridiculous. As if you're speaking to him.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Just really sad, innit? What happens in some people's lives.

Did you know him a long time?

Yeah. I was at schools with him, he was even in my Cub pack.

He was a big fan of Shakin' Stevens.

Good friends?

With Shaky?

I've never met him.

I think he lives in Wales.

Ah, he was a good lad.

Used to get into fits of giggles.

We'd tickle him and make him laugh and he'd go off like a soda stream.

The last thing I remember was

we were in a school production of The Wizard Of Oz together.

I was the Scarecrow and he was the Tinman.

Keith was really nervous.

And Matt Bainbridge, who was the Cowardly Lion,

he was trying to make him laugh, you know?

"Pull my finger," and all that.

Well, that's when it started.

It was just a trickle at first.

But then it got stronger and louder.

You can imagine in that costume. I mean, it was made of tin.

It sounded like someone was filling a watering can up.

All the kids started laughing, and...

..Keith stopped.

Laughing?

And pissing.

Now it all makes sense.

Eh?

What makes sense?

The negative energy, I told you.

If you died and were trying to cross to the other side,

would you want to do it in front of the man who routinely

humiliated you?

Poor Keith Patterson.

Keith, Keith Patterson?

Is that you?

Stop it. He's here.

He wants to speak to you. Well, good luck with that,

because I remember exactly how he speaks.

High-pitched voice and a lisp. Off you go.

He says he doesn't want to talk through me.

Oh, really?

He's shy. A shy ghost?

You've got some front, I'll give you that.

Is your name Paul Wickstead?

Yes.

Oh. Well done for being able to read.

Wicky.

He says you preferred to be called Wicky?

I never told you that. He did.

Bloody hell. He says...

"How would you like to have been known as the piss-trict nurse?"

I'd forgotten that one. It is a good one, isn't it?

You lit a touchpaper that led to a life of problems.

No! I'm afraid so, Wicky.

Come, talk to him.

GASPING

Keith, I... No.

To him.

Keith, we...

I thought we were just having a laugh.

Because you were always laughing.

I didn't really stop to think how it made you feel.

It was wrong.

Oh, God. Even putting that cowpat under your pillow at Cub camp.

He says he didn't know about the cowpat. Damn it!

But that he forgives you.

For everything.

He says he'd really like you to attend his funeral.

Oh, OK, I can do that.

And he'd really like you to organise the wake.

He'd like a party at his homeless shelter.

Sorry, what? He says he'd like a big send-off with all his friends.

White tablecloths, candles on the tables. OK.

A free bar.

Is that a good idea at a homeless shelter?

And a Shakin' Stevens tribute act.

OK.

Can you tell him I'll do my best?

And also... Oh, sorry.

He said he's got to go now, actually.

Yeah, but could you just tell him... Yeah, sorry. Keith!

Keith?

Walk towards the light.

If you have to go, go.

It's better now than on the journey.

Yeah, if you can hold it.

OK.

There you go.

And you're through.

What... What happened?

Just a bit of cramp.

Oh, yeah.

So, you're all right for the 16th?

Yeah.

No, I'm going to get Mervyn to do one of his curries.

Yeah, yeah. I want white tablecloths, candles, the lot.

All right. Nice one.

Ta-ra.

Oh.

All right? You're off, then? Yeah.

Going to meet some friends. Right.

What, at Stonehenge, or something?

Zizzi's.

Shamans have to eat. Oh.

And he definitely got through, yeah?

Keith is at peace now. Mm.

It was nice to meet you, Paul.

Wicky. Wicky.

Nice to meet you, Dan Watson.

BEEPING

ENGINE STARTS

MUSIC: Sweet Like Chocolate by Shanks & Bigfoot

# You're sweet like chocolate, boy

# Sweet like chocolate... #

CAR HORN TOOTS

# You bring me so much joy

# Sweet like chocolate... #

Ugh!

SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

SHAMAN: Hello, duck.

It's Muriel here.

This is Sebastian.

I've got TB. HE COUGHS

I'm the third and youngest son of Clarence and Julie.

Is that Keith Patterson?

He says you preferred to be called Wicky?

MUSIC: You Drive Me Crazy by Shakin' Stevens

# You know, baby, when you're in my arms

# I can feel your loving magic charms

# You drive me crazy

# You drive me crazy

# And when I'm looking in those eyes

# I start a-floating round in paradise

# You drive me crazy

# You drive me crazy... #

OWL HOOTS

# I love you, baby, and it's plain to see

# I love you, honey It was meant to be

# You drive me crazy

# You drive me crazy

# You drive me crazy

# You drive me crazy. #