Original subtitles

Hello, Luigi.

How about your hand?

Don't play with your food, Dennis.

All right.

Thank you, Frankie.

It's very nice.

Here, watch this.

Hey, Poggiorno.

Mama, Italiano.

Poggiorno.

Poggiorno.

Si, si, si, si, si.

Molto bene, mon.

Molto bene.

¿Qui sopendro oggio?

¿Vidiamo?

¿Vidiamo?

¿Speta?

¿Speta?

¿Pela seguarabone?

¿Trota?

¿Veratone?

¿Pela ragazzo?

Si, mama.

¿Torte la la picholola?

¿Pela ragazzo?

¿Rocete?

¿Vitella?

¿Marsala?

¿Eperne bolio?

¿Una pelo a meleta?

¿Alfungi?

¿Eto po bolio?

¿Pani?

¿Muyo?

¿Una?

¿Una?

¿Una?

¿Una?

¿Una?

¿Una?

¿E?

¿Quatro?

¿Calo?

¿Quatro?

¿Vitima?

¿Quatro?

¿Qué va chamolora?

¿Vole que fe?

Sit, sit, sit.

Four tout in the house, four cups of coffee.

Come with me, you'll crack on the bowl.

Shut up.

I'll get me mum off to you.

That's funny.

I was just going to say how well we've all danced.

It's leaving school.

Oh, you can't count in, but everybody else says.

Hello, Sharon.

I was just saying how well we've all danced.

Who's that man?

If he says one more word, I'll wrap his discontinued lines round his neck.

Mr.

Winters at the boutique.

Who else?

He can be an utter cat when he gets ratty, you know.

Do you know what he said to me this morning?

No.

Miss Everslee, he said.

Miss Everslee.

This outbreak of shoplifting hasn't gone unnoticed, you know.

Oh, I says.

Yes, he says.

And you know what I put it down to?

No, I says.

Lack of vigilance from the staff.

Cheek.

Cheek.

Hello, Sharon.

Hello, Den.

So I turned around to him with my comeback.

What did you come back with?

I said,

certain people have got quite enough to do with serving customers and dressing

me in those.

I said, quite right.

Yes, I was.

Hi, door face.

What's new?

Oh, shut up.

So he comes back with something new the other day that I came back with.

If you want to get rid of shoplifting, get a stall detector pin, I said.

Don't take it out in sales, ladies, I said.

That sounds like a job for FA.

Well, even someone as stupid as Frankie would do, I said.

Oh, thanks, Sharon.

All he's got to do is be there and keep his eyes open.

OK, sweetie.

I'll take the job.

Oh, don't be so silly.

You've got a job here.

That's all you now.

What do you mean?

I've just got a sack, haven't I?

Ohp!

Ohp!

That is, uh, one of my mottos.

A nice place to live is a nice place to relax.

Now, you reckon you can do the job?

Yeah, I'm sure I care, mister.

I've decorated sitting rooms before.

The study?

That room is going to be my study.

Here, uh, you sure you want it in gold foil, Wedgwood and Swedish Point?

Positive.

And you know for why?

Because I've got taste.

Now, take this.

I had a professional photographer in to take those pictures of my wife.

Drink.

Oh, please.

Cool.

She's a big girl, isn't she?

Oh, sir, this cabinet is not connected at the moment, but when it is,

it lights up and gives off perfume.

Why?

Yes, I reckon I'm a bit of a connoisseur.

That is what you call red wine.

Very good of you to give me this joke, mister bowler.

I give you this job, Eric, because Peter here recommended you.

And I like to trust my employees as I trust they trust me.

Right?

That's just one of your mothos, mister bowler.

Right.

Well, let's expand.

Sit down.

This is something that will interest you.

This lighter is a piece of the actual pattern.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Well, I can see it now you punch it, isn't it?

Now, what's this?

Now you're worried, ain't you?

You think I have stained that chair?

But no, when you pay as much for the chair as I've paid for this chair,

you'll get a chair that does not stain.

Bastards!

Going back in the morning.

Well, you were saying?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, is it all right if I work some evenings, Mr Bowler,

because I like to get your study all done in one go, you see?

I like that.

Here's a key.

Come and go, as you please.

Well, this won't get the baby bath.

Like the watch.

That's supplied to Jacques Cousteau.

The swimmer.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Think you're lying.

Feel free with the amenities of the place.

Oh, er, there's a rather nice blue film on the projector.

Run it through for yourselves, if you like.

Has his bog got a gold sheet?

Velvet.

Oh.

He's a lad, though, isn't he?

Right.

Is his wife again?

Well, it's a good thing Frankie Abbott ain't here.

Too right.

The belly buttons are enough to shut him off.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, don't believe it.

Ah!

Oh, it's dirty about your dirty face.

It's my job.

I was just checking.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, madam.

Oh, Mr.

Winters, that's awfully sorry.

That's awfully well, dear, but he's so wilful.

Look, boss man, please don't.

What?

Boss man.

Well, what I was going to say was, since I've been here,

you haven't had no shoplets in, have you?

You haven't had any customers, neither.

Thank you so much.

Go and see to her.

Well, I will tell you this, Frances,

I'd have to seriously consider your position here if I didn't have to leave the

boutique for a couple of days.

Oh, where are you going?

Mine, Jaws, Miss Eversley.

See my friend, if you must know.

Oh, I know.

This, er, person that I'm going to see, Frances.

Oh, what a cook.

Chips.

Don't be grotesque.

No.

Now, what will we be starting with tonight, then, eh?

Oh, yes.

Well, we shall start off by having, er, and toying, perhaps,

with half a dozen escargot, and then we shall go on to, er,

skirmishing with our tornado, and finishing off by tormenting our mousses.

Mice.

And you shouldn't be cruel to animals.

Dear, you are a little rascal, aren't you?

Now then, Miss Eversley, you made me take on this.

Thing.

If anything gets nicked while I'm away, you get it as well.

The bullet.

Oh, thanks.

Do you have a nice time, Mr Winton?

I intend to, dear, thank you.

Here!

What just twigged where you're going?

It's a tart, innit?

It's just fallen off a Christmas tree, hasn't it?

Hello, Frankie!

Hello, Si, I've got time to pop out for a coffee.

Well, I have now old nigglies gone.

I know, I've got to be back by half -past,

because Matron said I can watch this walt being taken off some bloke's neck.

Oh, how nice.

Come on in.

Aye, aye, you can't leave me.

I've done her nothing about frocks.

Oh, I'll put the clothes sign up.

Let me be a minute.

OK, boys.

You're alone with F .A.

now.

What, didn't do nothing?

We're closed.

Oh, sorry.

We're closed.

Come in.

Just a minute.

I haven't just fallen off a Christmas tree, you know.

How do I know you are, what you say you are?

Well, I said it, didn't I?

If I hadn't said it, you wouldn't know who we were, would you?

That's true.

Just checking.

Very wise.

Okay, Benjamin, stock in the van, please.

Just a minute, just a minute.

If you're suppliers, how come you're taking the stuff away?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you've seen the Financial Times ordinary share index, haven't you?

No.

Well, you ought to in your position.

Let me put it another way.

You know the common market.

Oh, yeah, they're moving it to Nine Elms.

Used to be Cotton Garden, didn't they?

That's right.

Well, this is all part of that, see.

I thought it was vegetables.

Oh, yes.

But due to off -laying UK assets, clothes come into it now.

Oh, I see.

Here, mate.

What?

Well, we will be getting some clothes back, won't we?

Of course you will.

This shop has been put on the European grid system.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Sorry to keep grilling you like this, but I am the store detective, see.

Well, I'll tell you this.

I'm very pleased to find somebody like you here.

Oh, John.

We ain't had a thing nicked since I arrived, you know.

Oh, remarkable.

Fag?

Now, fag, sire.

Round me own, see.

Right.

There we are.

Goodbye, squire.

It's been a pleasure talking to you.

See you, fellas.

Oi!

Just a minute.

There's something wrong here somewhere.

What's that?

Well, I ain't just fallen off a Christmas tree, you know.

I'm going to need a signature for this lot.

Yours.

Oh, you don't miss a trick, do you?

That's the name of the game.

S -I -N -E.

Sire.

A pleasure.

Received with...

Thanks There we are oh, oh ten sharp as a razor as a razor Okay, chicken,

you're me got some unfinished business Oh Talking about they were supplying

What they said the financial times are nine elves in that Perhaps I can get God

to puncture their tires Just a minute they made one fatal mistake that bloke

left his signature look Do you know what this says Frank what we see with

thanks Mickey Mouse You couldn't see him for pasting.

Slapping it out.

Slapping it there.

Paint and paint where everywhere.

Mother was stuck to the ceiling.

The kids were stuck to the floor.

I've never seen a gloomy family so...

Oh, sorry, Mr Bowler.

No, no, no, none of that.

Happy is the man who is happy in his work.

That is one of my mottos.

Right.

I shall be out tonight.

Got your keys.

Oh, yes, Mr Bowler.

It's all here, Mr Bowler.

Ready when you are.

Good boy, then.

Have a cigar, boys.

Oh, sure.

See you.

Oh, bye -bye.

Have a nice time.

Yeah.

See you, Nick.

Good of you to help me out.

It's all right, Eric.

I like a bit of night work.

Anyway, I'm saving up.

You're not going to buy one of them horses again, are you?

I'm buying this dress for Maury from Sharon's shop.

It's exactly the same colour as Bettine's mane, it is,

with the buttons like milk bottle tops.

I shall love that, then.

Oh, there you go.

Hello, Mr Bowler's residence.

Eric.

Hello, Cheryl.

Oh, Eric, something terrible's happened.

The boutique's been robbed.

Oh, no!

Yeah, all us Miss Fortique stuff it was.

Blimey.

Yeah, all them other stuff.

Yeah, it's like football jerseys, won't it?

Yeah, you've got your green and white stripes.

Then you've got your Crystal Palace, Blackburn Rovers.

The one with the buttons like milk bottle tops.

Yeah, yeah, then you've got the ones with the buttons like milk bottle tops.

Ian, I've got a photographic memory, Eric.

But can you help us?

Help?

Nothing.

I found them.

What?

Where?

About six inches from my bloody nose.

That's right.

Hey, whackers boy, I tell you no coming here again.

I don't think to want expand the place.

What are you talking about.

He was pale as a box right. He is problaby selling stolen gear for weeks.

And if we do him. You get me done

for being accessory before joining on to the facts.

So we cannot tell him.

But what about me.

What if the waitress comes back and finds me with a shop full of no dresses, I get the big E.

Then it's me, of course.

Shut up!

The whirls are clicking.

Oh, tell us...

Stump, stump, stump.

The master's at work.

There is a way.

It's dodgy, but there is a way.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Frankie, why don't you go and give a hand with a toad in the holes, mate?

This all part of the plan, huh?

Oh, yes, certainly.

I'm reading between your lines already, mate.

What's toad in the holes got to do with it, Eric?

Just getting rid of him, Dean.

What, a twit don't know?

A twit can't ruin.

I'd better go as well, then.

I'm a twit.

No, you're not, Dennis.

You shall inherit the earth, you shall.

What?

All of it?

Even China?

Probably.

But in the meantime, I need the up of the reliable blokes like you with a plan.

Oh, neat.

What is it, Eric?

It's not dubious, is it?

Double dubious.

Oh, great.

See,

what we do is nick the stuff back off Boulder and get it back to the boutique

before Winters gets back from his dirty wee days.

Oh, well.

And the whole thing never happened.

Simple.

Are you sure simple's a word for it?

I mean, they never taught us breaking and entering the school, you know.

I've got a key.

Oh, no.

And Mr Bowler's out tonight, he said.

Right.

Right.

No, Reg.

I was going out, but I'm a bit bored with roulette, actually.

There's a rather nice programme I want to see on a telly.

The Treasures of the Louvre.

Not the cars, either museum.

Yeah.

See you, Reg.

Right?

Yeah.

There's a stripper and three vicars in a railway carriage.

Yeah.

Very good, Reg.

Now I'll tell you a fact.

There's this glass blower and a games mistress on the top of her 49 bars.

And she says to him.

But supposedly recognises my voice.

Don't know who you are, does he?

Oh, no.

See, I better disguise it, just in case.

Oh, and she'll never get it right, all.

We've got to get him out of there.

I'll do my best, Derek.

Oh, come on, now.

Sure.

Hello, Mr.

Bowler.

I'm the lady across the road, do you?

I'm the lady across the road from the warehouse.

Written of something you ought to know.

What is it?

Copper's swarming all round the place.

Copper's swarming all round the place.

Rhett and a couple of villains are having a tickle.

Yeah, you better.

That's all right, love.

Cheer up.

Well done, Woodham.

Wish you'd wear the confessional out after this, O 'Shea.

There you go.

Bit of Skype, don't you?

Oh, no.

He's got a big car in him.

Bigger speech, Derek.

No, it isn't.

Right, Pete, get the fan.

Den, you come with me.

More?

Look at the women chain.

What intend, Eric?

Keep him watch.

Come on, come on!

Come on, stop!

SHE SCREAMS She'll say anything!

Hello, Dennis, dance to Busby.

Come on, Busby!

It's Maury.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I see.

Oh, well, thank you.

Bye -bye, Maury.

What does she want?

Mr Bowler is coming up the stairs.

Up the stairs!

LAUGHTER Eric, I think I've had a little accident.

LAUGHTER Join the club, mate.

Here, quick, get in the clothes.

Come on, this works, mate.

Why can't we just walk out with them?

Well, if the porter sees us walking downstairs, that's all right,

cos we work here.

But if he sees us walking down the stairs, it'd be louder with clothes.

It's a level matter, innit?

Oh, I see.

Mind you, we could always dress up and pretend we're girls.

I think this'll be easier, then.

Come on, we'll use a bowtly around the back.

Come on, Eric, quick!

Hang on, about.

Come here, Jep.

Stay right there.

Come on, that's it.

Quick!

Get ready to catch it, Sharon.

Come on.

Come on.

There we go.

That's it.

I got it.

All right.

Here we go, then, ten -point.

Volunteer number one for the Peyton Duffy dressmaker.

Down she goes.

That's all, eh?

All right, sir.

Thank you, Miss Ebbersley.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Miss Ebbersley.

Let's go get some more, Eric.

All right, then.

Oh, somebody might see.

Well, hurry up there, please.

Now if you believe in a world beyond Arthur.

Quite frankly, Maude, no.

Well, what would it take?

A sign, Maude.

A manifestation if they actually saw something.

I brought you through.

Luke.

Oh!

Arthur, it's my mother.

It's Mrs.

Salves.

Mrs.

Salves will just see my mother floating through the air.

Frightened?

Me?

Course I'm not, mummy.

I've got me wee, willy, winky night light.

And me potato gun.

Exactly.

Yeah, if anyone else tries to rob the place,

they're in for a nasty shot when they see me.

Yeah, I'll come home as soon as me night light runs out.

What?

Yeah, I know I'm your little Victoria Cross.

Goodbye.

Oh, love to Teddy.

Police, quick.

Hello?

Police?

I was Wellington's boot.

No, no, I'm not being funny.

It's the name of the boutique.

It's being robbed.

Send someone, quick.

Put them down here.

There's some spare rats out there.

I'll wait till the dead are known.

Hello, everyone.

What are you doing here?

I told you nothing else would get Nick while I was still around.

Stone me.

Talk about closing a stable door after yours is bolted.

Oh, see, you've got the dresses then.

I still don't see how I...

I figured in the planner.

you didn't that's why we got him back.

oh I've just thought of something.

what?

nothing hell.

what?

I'll tell you one thing I'm boldest gonna have to learn to get along without

me.

too dodgy or that.

what are you gonna do about his decorating Eric?

oh I shall finish the job naturally.

me hello.

something's in trouble.

must be an accident.

oh bloody sorry.

he's blind.

all right all right now nobody moves.

no trouble.

we don't want any trouble.

oh you leave my Eric alone.

hello hello.

I know you don't.

you ought to.

he's in the other day buying your wife frilly knickers.

all right all right all right.

it's a perfectly natural thing to do.

there's no matter.

come on come on.

what's this all about them?

hmm.

we was helping Sharon change her display.

yeah these are all my colleagues.

I see false alarm he.

Well, we had this call down at the station.

Oh?

Somebody made a mistake, obviously.

Oh, yes, somebody did.

He has some very nice clothing here, you know.

You don't want to get this nick, do you?

Well, it's funny you should say that, because...

Because what?

I don't know.

Thank you, sir.

Well, uh, sorry you've been troubled, officer.

Oh,

we didn't drag you away for some nice hot crumpet round the station for nothing.

That's all right, sir.

It'll keep.

Right.

Back to the car, boys.

Good night, miss.

Good night.

Good night.

Thanks for coming.

And don't think I don't know who it was who sniggered, because I do.

Who was it?

All that.

All that, sir.

There's only one thing to do now.

What?

Murder Abba.

Where is Frankie?

Frankie, where are you?

Frankie!

Oh.

Please, sir.

He's not here.

He must have gone.

Shame, that.

Cos, sir,

I was going to take one of his ears in each end and tear him off his head.

And I was going to make him jump 20 foot in the air with my hat pin.

Like I said, shame.

Any idea we might be, please?

No, old, uh, you, Dennis.

Oh, no, uh, Maureen.

Afraid not, Sharon.

Haven't a clue, Eric.

Look, I'll see.

What about you, Frankie?

Search me, mate.

Frankie!

Frankie!

Frankie!

Get out of here, Frankie!