Original subtitles

Hallo Klinger what about it. Hello young Peter.

You two are inspecting. Inspecting what ?

What it all about ?.

The pushchair, thought you had a kiddy.

No wise up Klinger. I am a fellow am I not ?

Ignore him.

to bad .

You are wrong.

Have you not hear this.

Of course we have not hear this. We just told you

Mr. Rogers he went dead.

No he has not.

Yes tuesday it was.

He went out in the yard to feed his horse.

and he never came back.

What a way to go.

Dropped dead.

Died before he hit the deck, thank god.

Poor old Peter.

used to give me a 10 when I song a song when I was little.

Well he had nobody you know. That all he had there in the corner all up for option

Yeah ... Look at his. First world war bayonet

Well Rogers He was in that first world war was he not ? How much

It's not mine to sell Julius Caesar and if you want anything you'll have to

come and bid for it on Saturday.

I'll be there, bagsy.

Come on!

Cute shot in Easton!

Stick one up his toga, men!

Excuse me!

Now put that down!

Else, no, he won't take you out anymore.

You could damage a person's pry like that.

With you?

No chance.

Now, do you want that feeling of don't you?

Yeah, sorry Mr.

Clayton.

Haven't you glided?

Catch, pity boy.

Put your legs together.

Stoneman, he's going to dump up Charlton Easton.

Wagons roll.

You what?

The pushchair!

The pushchair!

When you're doing any work, you've got to use your braids, see?

Yeah, so I see.

Bombs away!

I'm half glad you've come round here to help me solve this.

my wages out mooring.

takes me hours when I do it on my own.

that's all right den.

now that I'm doing maths for my GCE some seem to come easier.

have you got that come proper told you to keep?

oh well I have but I don't think I've done it proper.

oh don't worry den.

what with my studies and doing the tea money for casualty.

I'm quite fiscal these days.

where?

good with money.

what's all these drawings of horses?

well when I can't think of how to write me money down I draw an horse.

do they represent money then?

no they're horses.

I think we'd better start to clean page den.

now we'll itemize your expenditure as we say.

what is the rent you pay for this flat?

oh I know that one.

£6 and 50 pennies.

right five six thank you.

what are you doing den?

well I have to put all my different bits of money in different places see.

in case I'm burgled.

what's your food bill?

uh five pounds.

top.

excuse me.

what else then?

clothes?

no.

phez?

a walk.

what then?

uh world wildlife fund.

one pound in my nose bag.

do you see that god?

that is thy work being done here on earth in denises flat.

when you look up like that Maureen can you actually see him?

well not actually as if he was on the ceiling den.

like within my head.

like a private cinema.

oh can you see westerns and all?

well you can't really pick a film like an odian.

it's more as if oh look all that spending money you've got left den.

£3 .50.

yeah but £3 of that is for me mum and dad and they're in me cushion.

well no wonder you're out up.

you don't have to support them.

they're no longer living with them.

oh you do.

It's what kids are for, my dad says.

He would.

I don't know.

Nothing nice ever seems to happen to you, does it, Den?

Oh, it does?

Oh, I've got a birthday card two days early.

Look.

Oh, it's from him.

Yeah, Mr.

Edgies.

And her, of course.

All our love, Bernard and Penny, it says.

Not Sir and Mrs.

Sir, Bernard and Penny.

Well, that's it, Dennis.

I expect you'll get some nice things for your birthday.

Oh, I forgot something, Maureen.

It's Bettine's birthday firsty and I've got to buy a ribbon for her mane.

Well, put it down in your book, Den.

See you at bubbling tomorrow.

Ta -ra!

Bye, Maureen.

Right.

How much is ribbon?

Oh, I don't know.

Now, is that crudit or de bit?

I don't know.

I think I'll draw an horse.

Thank you.

Oh, it's dinner.

I'm out, I'm out, and I'm starving.

Whoa.

Shetman's pie tonight, innit, ma 'am?

Right?

Bye, you've been back, Sherrick.

Yeah, you ain't me, ma 'am.

I know.

She had to go around, she aren't you green as a red splitty.

Oh, blimey, I told her she shouldn't have gone and let him keep fit, Colossi.

She's too old.

Oh, the ends of her hair.

Too much backcombing, I reckon.

Whatever it is.

Oh, born, it looks like a bleeding rook's nest.

Tom.

Yeah, nice of you to come round and dish up, shall we?

It's all right.

Oh.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes.

I cooked it myself, Eric.

Oh.

Did you?

Yeah, I never tried your cooking before.

I knew you couldn't like it.

Oh, give us a chance.

I ain't tasted it yet.

No, I can see you don't like it.

Look, give me a chance to taste it, will you?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Stop staring.

I can't.

You are.

I can't swallow when I'm being stared at.

Come and sit over there.

Look at me.

It's fantastic, that is, darling.

You hate it, don't you?

I can see what me dad means now.

Do you like it, Eric?

No, it's horrible.

Oh, I'm ever so glad.

Oh, look, I bought this birthday card from you and me for Dennis.

Is that all right?

Yeah, you like that?

Yeah, I got one, I know.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh, I'll go.

Yeah, dead original, aren't we, huh?

Hello.

Hi, darling.

Yeah, Eric, I bought this fantastic birthday card for Dennis.

Look, it's got horse on the front, wouldn't you?

You tell flies up in the air like this.

Don't worry.

I might eat me dinner, aren't I?

I'm in bowling.

Yeah, well, I'll finish.

Yeah, where's Monster Bunch?

Well, his mummy kept it in for breaking his push -chair, didn't he, Sarah?

He had thought of something utterly incredible.

We can buy Dennis for his birthday.

What?

Well, don't you think he'd prefer a bunny gulp?

Don't be fleshy, Peter.

Sharon was referring to one of those big round things you put your feet on.

All right, a big fat bunny gulp.

Yeah.

Oh, ignore him more.

They've got some lovely ones in wood.

It's really sophisticated, like big dice.

Only the dots are orange.

Yeah, I can just see one of them next to Den's Rick scene sofa.

Well, he could do with some more furniture, Eric,

and he can't afford to buy any himself.

Yeah.

I know where he might pick something up.

That auction up the sidings.

He wants furniture, Peter, not railway wagons.

Well, they sell furniture, don't they?

Yeah, it's a good idea, Pete.

Only, instead of buying dinner present, why don't we have a whip round?

Give him the money, go out the auction.

Sheriff, is there anybody in Francis?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Is it all right having a dead bloke's furniture on your own?

I mean, it might have Mr.

Rudd's polter ghost on it.

We could get Monsignor Sotworth to exorcise it.

Well, how do you exorcise a chair?

Throw a bowl for it and shout fetch it for it.

Now, let's get a bowl.

Right, right, hold tight.

Ding, ding, we are on the bus and we're away with lot number 17.

Now, this is a genuine plaster Ming vase.

Made in Stoke -upon -Yanksie.

I haven't finished yet.

Together with a complete set of clackers.

False teeth to you, love.

Can I have the false teeth without the bars?

Can you what?

Can you have Mando without Barney?

Can you have Wilson and Kepel without Betty?

No, you bloody can't.

What am I doing?

Corpence, then.

Yeah, fourpence.

The winning stands are fourpence.

To Lady Dokka in the front row there.

Do I hear any massive increase?

Do I hear fivepence?

No, I don't.

Right.

Going once.

Four new peas.

Going, going, sold.

Right, flip the teeth in, love,

stick the bars over your head and the old man won't recognise you when you're

going tonight.

You're Kiki sod.

But lovable, Ada, lovable.

Now, always remember that.

Now, here we come to lot number 18 because that follows lot number 17.

Now, that's clever.

Very, very clever.

Now, look at this.

This wonderful article is either a dwarf's broadsword or a giant's toothpick.

Whichever way it is in mint condition, apart from the rust.

I can do with that, my gun.

What are you going to do?

Take the old woman out there and stab her?

Use it as a dipper.

I'll give you a tap.

Paul, don't do your hats, ladies and gentlemen.

Nubar Koulvenkian is showing his hand.

Tap him some big.

Oh, Barry.

I can't hold myself back any more.

Shrippence.

Blimey, Paul, get these moved into the arena.

Any increase on Shreppence is up to you, Nubar.

Faltons.

Fife pence.

Fife...

You know Southern biz was never like this.

Five pence I'm bid.

Any advance on five pence?

Thirteen thousand pounds.

Very funny, young sir.

I like a humanist.

Five pence I'm bid.

Six pence.

Fourteen thousand pounds.

I'm not a child lover, sonny.

I thought I ought to warn you about that.

Eat him with your mallet.

I'm trying to freeze the opposition off.

Listen, if you don't op it, Jimmy Clithero,

I shall get my big mate in the brown coat there to come over and sort you out.

Now, beautiful article, though this is.

It is not, is it, worth fourteen thousand pounds?

Right.

Right.

Right.

The bidding's with you.

Anything to say, Mr.

Getty?

Twelve thousand pounds.

Paul?

New bar?

Sold for twelve thousand pounds.

Right, come here, you.

Are you going to pay by cash or by check?

Neither.

It's just a flank.

I scare them off.

You and me do a deal?

How much were you thinking of slipping me?

Two, Bob.

Scarpo.

Oh!

Right, ladies and gentlemen,

I was drawing lot number 18 because a JoJo's a dog -faced boy over there.

I'm also withdrawing myself for a quick puddle and a cup of tea.

In that order.

Right.

The court will reconvene in ten minutes.

Hello, Eddie.

Oh, what's your judgment?

Well, it all might be causing you trouble, has it?

Oh, no, no, nothing.

I don't say so.

And I wouldn't put right.

Oh.

What have you been up to, Frankie Abbott?

Nothing.

They just don't understand auctions around here.

That's all.

It's him with his mallet, he did.

Good job.

That's what I say.

Right.

Right.

You make friends wherever you go, don't you, Frankie?

Yeah.

Hoisinality plus.

That's why.

Yeah, plus being mad.

You seen Den?

Nah, the kid ain't shown yet.

Where is he then?

We give him his fibre.

He said he was coming.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Go on, go on.

Go on, girls and girls.

Hello, my love.

You look lovely.

Little girls get bigger every day, don't they?

Get out of it.

Dirty Desmond.

Right.

Oh, yeah, he's, oh, yeah, he's, oh, yeah, he's.

Gather round.

You're not too close.

Love me saps rising.

Now then, gather round and I will show you the wonders of El Dorado's box.

I will show you the mysteries of the East.

London, that is.

I have next, lot number 19.

A genuine reconvener.

No, it's in here, Den.

No, it's in here.

Come and see.

What's going on?

Oh, boy, oh, neat.

This is the best birthday present I ever got.

Thank you.

Thank you, Den.

Thank you.

Oh, I act who I act who.

I know you said to come to the orchestra, but I just act who.

That's all right, Den.

It's something you really wanted.

Oh, wait there and see.

Oh, boy.

Well, I ain't gonna wait.

You ain't about, mate.

I'll bleedin' crown ya.

What you got, then, mate?

Yeah, come on, Den.

Show us.

Yeah, come on.

I ain't about to wait.

I ain't about to wait.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Quietly dusted, sweet tire.

You walk on tick -tock to ever surprise a man.

That's a good boy.

She's still here.

Don't you work here.

The brewery people ain't gonna like it.

They won't know, will they, General?

Get up early in the morning and sneak old Spitfire out.

There won't be none the wiser.

Yeah, but buy an horse when you got nowhere to keep it.

That's Dem really did, yeah?

Well, he didn't bid 13 ,000 quid for an old bannock, did he?

He's right, though.

I only wanted the horse to save him from the knocker's yard.

I never thought I only had the flat to keep him in.

Never mind, Den.

We'll keep him here tonight.

But bannock think they're savin' in the morning, haven't we, Pete?

Yeah.

Are we not the great minds of Penn Street?

which way do you?

over here.

next to Bettine.

she's got a really sweet nature she has.

I'm off home.

you're welcome.

this is your room.

nice isn't it?

I bet you've never stayed in the posh place like this before aye?

you all right Jen?

got everything?

oh yes thank you.

well she's done have sleeping bags do they?

it's for days.

just checking.

I'm tired.

must be the excitement.

well get some kit then.

but make sure you get up before anyone comes in the morning.

oh all right.

good night then and thank you very much for helping me.

good night then.

see you tomorrow mate.

should a kid down eat a teddy or nothing?

good night then Spitfire.

whitty whitty.

ah mate.

hey the lovely boy.

had a good morning to you.

Dennis.

what's the game then boy?

what game?

that then Charlie.

yes.

I had to buy him Charlie.

he was gonna get knackered.

you will be an all my boy.

you can't keep him here.

I won't.

it's just that last night I had nowhere for him to stay.

he's me mate now Charlie.

I've got to look after him.

oh damn it.

Charlie I'd like a word.

my god mr.

Upman.

what word mr.

Upman?

what the hell is that?

my friend Spitfire.

did you bring him here?

well you see I...

yes or no?

yes sir.

now look here Dunstable.

we have a stud of prize horses here.

dare you jeopardize their help with this free bitten ragbag.

just a minute sir.

no Charles.

this is unforgivable.

Spitfire's an horse.

he's a person.

he doesn't belong to this stable.

and if these are the sort of liberties you're taking neither do you.

you're fired.

Yes, yes I quite understand.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Well that's the end of my last idea.

I'm afraid there's no room at the RSPCA in Morin.

If I might say so Monty and your sotworth I think the RSPCA should be

excommunicated.

I don't look for a poor old horse.

That's irrational Morin and not very Christian.

As they rightly explained,

it's not as though the horse has been ill -treated and they can't accommodate

every arrival that's simply old.

I suggest ten Hail Marys Morin.

I'm sorry father.

Hail Mary.

Not now Morin.

You must be able to think of something, you know, Cardinal Heenan.

I know Henry Cooper but I'm still a lousy boxer.

Well surely a stapler should look after him.

Yes, for money Morin, but Dennis can't pay that on 50 pence a week.

Never mind Monty and your sotworth.

You personally must have come near a pope hood while letting spit fire grays on

your lawn.

Here, a Monty and your sotworth, amen.

I'm afraid spit fire's at your verger.

Why what?

That lovely grass verger round your roses.

That's a relief.

It wasn't meaning to be wicked Monty and your sotworth, amen.

Oh, sorry.

Sit down my son.

Oh, thank you dad.

It's the same.

Now listen to me Dennis.

I realise you've put yourself out so much over that animal that you've even

lost your job.

But there's only one thing for it.

You'll have to sell spit fire.

Oh no, that's all I've got left now.

I bloody won't.

It's all right, I'll do penance for him.

You'll wear those beads out Morin.

Dennis, you did a very loving thing saving that horse's life.

You don't want to spoil it by not being able to look after him, do you?

You?

Morin said you'd know what to do because Cardinal Heenan was your mate.

She said you had art lying to God but you haven't.

Raspberries!

It didn't mean that you just upset that's all.

You won't put the spiritual screws on him, will you?

you know if only someone could persuade Dennis that selling the horse is the

only answer Eric?

Eric could make him understand.

excuse me I'd better tell him.

Maureen?

is Eric Duffy a Catholic?

no agnosticist I think.

he might even be worse.

he might even be C of E.

they with his pull in this district they'd be queuing to get in the church.

hiya.

oh hi Sean.

how's Dean?

oh he's having a little but Maureen's with him.

it's about the hardest thing I've ever done talking a bit of selling.

I think we could have thought of something.

I went for one at a time was it?

made a right putting myself down at Chesterton Zoo.

lovely animal I says.

18 I says.

and she says no years I says.

and he shoots me a moody star speeding his eye inners.

showing a queen word in when I rang her.

she'd have done something.

and he told you she was out.

Prince Philip?

nah.

I knew she was out.

because I wouldn't put me through to her.

Here we are, here we are, here we are again.

Your lovable auctioneer is backed by popular request.

Now, for the last lock of the day, now, ladies and gentlemen,

you have all had time to inspect that answer to Arby Smith's prayer out there

in the yard.

A horse!

A horse!

My kingdom for a horse.

George V said that.

And he would have given his kingdom for such an animal.

Pure arabias.

Not a drop of Jewish blood in him.

Right, now who's going to start the bidding?

What about you, JoJo?

Shall we say a hundred guineas?

Wally.

Right, don't let's say a hundred guineas, then.

For God's sake, say something, the silence is deafening.

Two quid.

Two quid.

Two quid, two quid, I've been.

My word, this is getting so cut and thrust,

I'm thinking of joining in a bidding myself.

Four quid.

Why didn't you say you had somewhere to keep him?

I've given him to you.

Pumping up the price, then.

How?

Five quid.

Not you, then.

I told you this nag must have something.

Even the owner's bidding.

Six, that's it.

Right, I think we've hit our ceiling, as one fly said to the other.

Right, going once, going twice.

Come on.

Sold to the Duke of Norclack's trainer in the front row.

There you are, Jim.

Antimatized pound profit.

Yeah, here, mister, you will give him a good own, won't you?

No, none of the little bottles.

What?

Hey?

Glue, sonny, glue.

That's what I bought him for.

You can't do that.

That's utterly bistill.

Don't give me all that arts and flower stuff.

Love its business.

I'll tell you what we're doing, mate.

Look, we'll buy him back off, you all right?

All right.

Ten quid.

You chiseling kit?

Not at all, I've got to offer.

I've got a wife and a cocktail cabinet to support.

Hang on, now.

Come on, give our extra three quid.

Come on.

They're on him big -hearted offer.

So, grow up.

Yeah, I hope you get a cocktail stick stuck right up your nose.

Shame I never bought that bayonet.

He comes so close, then.

Well, you come so close every time you open your great big Norfolk set.

Ah, dance the ball.

Oh, Mr.

Upman.

How is it?

I've been...

I'm saving you up.

I'm glad you come.

I'm just in the mood for you.

Oh, that'll be stunning.

You know what you've done?

Yes, made a mistake.

Don't give me made a...

Yes, I'm very sorry, Dennis.

I was rather hasty.

I was talking to Charlie,

and anyone that likes horses as much as you do should work with them.

Would you like your old job there?

Oh, yes, please.

Well done, mate.

I hear you had to sell him, too.

Who have you sold him to?

Well, we were rather clever, you see.

We sold him for seven and bought him back for ten, or 12.

I beg your pardon?

Pots of glue.

Oh, I see.

Dennis, what do you think about selling it to me?

He'd only be used for giving my children rides.

Well, that big posh house of yours in the country.

Yes.

Oh, yes, please.

Oh, good.

That's plenty, then.

Here.

And you will come down to see him occasionally.

How neat.

We'll all come, mate.

Drop in for tea, shall we?

Yes, that would be fine.

Course I am out rather a lot.

Look, I've got more birthday money than I started out with, right?

Natalie, you'd be able to buy us something else now, Dan.

Yeah, only not another horse, Dan, eh?

Oh, no, Eric.

I'll get something for indoors.

What you got in mind, then?

Well, they're selling pythons at the pet shop.

Ah, come on.

Oh, well, let's see.