Original subtitles

Hello son. Oh it is you, I thought it was the landlord

My son. The magician.

You are not are gone pull a horse out of your hat are you .

I you come round to stir it up, you can go.

It must be hard on your one washing your on socks.

I am handy on underware.

You always were.

I tell you what son, you can come home to me.

You do not need to be proud.

I am not proud.

I am not stupid neither. I know when I am well off ?

Does my mam want me back ?

Who ? My mam, your wife, remember.

Yeah, well, she's walked out on you at last, didn't she?

Walked out on me?

Who'd walk out on me?

Everybody.

I did, and I bet she has.

The blooming fleas will be off next.

Well, to be honest, son, your mother and me have party company.

But on the best of terms, mind, it's this onus note she left.

Good riddance, you drunken ratbag.

Well, it was her fault.

She denied me my conjugals.

What's that?

She spent the money on me empties.

Anyway, she's gone so you can come back home now.

I know you heard, drove you away with your son.

You just want me back so I can wash your underwear.

Won't have to do that, son.

Mine's on for the winter now.

You and me are a team.

David and...

Dennis.

Yeah, Dennis.

A team.

Me with my vision and you with your spitfire.

Fuck a wolf.

Swear at me if you like, son, but I'll still have you back.

Look, it took me 16 years to get out and I don't want to come back.

A lot's happened since I locked you in the toilet.

Oh, no.

Seat's fallen off.

It's dangerous.

Still, you could fix it, my son.

Yeah, I'm a man now, Dad.

I've got me own lavs to fix.

Come on, son.

Share your dad's old age.

Watch me grow grey.

Yeah, make a change from watching you grow green.

My only son turning against a lonely old man.

Don't sit there.

You'll smash me jumbo.

Oh, jumbo gums.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, get up!

Oh, look, it's all smashed.

I've gone all dizzy.

Get out.

Come on, this is my flat.

Get out.

Don't tell me.

What?

Oh, all right.

I'm going.

You'll see.

I will stand on my own two feet.

I'll get a job.

I'll show you.

I know where I'm going now.

Mamma mia, nice to see you, señorita, señor.

Welcome to the cafe, Luigi.

Excuse me, Chip.

Do you have to use your thank you, Chip?

Well, Luigi's blowing his nose on me towel.

Right, then.

What are you on the broad one?

Broad?

This is my wife.

Broad's Italian for wife, innit?

Come on, mate.

We ain't got all night.

Luigi's got a mafia meeting at ten.

Mafia?

Look, it's merely the ravings of a deranged waver.

Two curries and quick.

I ran a port due to the caterers' federation and they fight dirtier than the

mafia.

All right, all right.

I still feel rotten about it.

We'll be in a minute, Pete.

Orchid customers.

Hey, watch it.

Nah.

He did the right thing, then.

He's old enough to look after himself, has he?

Yeah, but he's not sobering.

Oh, I wish I could do something to help him.

I mean, if he did get a job, maybe my mum would go back to him.

Why?

Is she that stupid?

Oh, no, just a bit punch -drunk.

All right, you two, better make it a big order, Savvy.

Yeah, or your fill is full of potatoes.

Two coppies.

To express, our cofferenos are coming up.

What about?

Hey, what about us?

We haven't all day, you know.

All right, all right.

I've only got two pairs of eggs.

You know?

I could do with a gun of Italian round dent,

might get a bit of money out of people.

You look at this.

Hundreds of people buy things they can't afford.

But that's what you said your job was.

Persuading people to buy things they don't want at prices they can't afford.

Yeah.

Well, my customers seem to have solved all that.

I just don't pay.

If you know what I need,

it's a bloke to go round and put the fear of God into him.

Like a big vicar.

Yeah, something like that.

Well, hang about.

I know something.

who could beat any vicar all out.

Yeah, what you trying to say, Den?

And my dad, he's big, he'd scare your customers.

Look, I want them frightened a bit, Den.

Not clubbed to death with empties.

Oh, no, no, we could sober him up.

Yeah, nose him down.

Well, was it you ordered again?

I suppose I could give him a few easy ones at first.

Yeah, look, your mum's in this, Frankie.

Mrs.

Abbott, £4 .50p, Willy the woolly ostrich.

That's a present for me granddad, won't it?

No need to be ashamed of it, Frankie.

Everyone's in here.

They are.

Yeah?

Yeah, McDougal's.

Here, on McDougal's, see?

One sunburst clock, one set of rainbow Venetian blinds,

one illuminated phantom, see?

Yeah, that's not espresso coffee.

Nah, it's curry, innit, for the McDougal's.

One very hot to curry all of, and a hand cover to coming up.

No, no, it's foul.

I'm sorry.

This looks terrible, but can't eat it.

We certainly can.

All on sign is, if you don't eat it, Mr.

McDougal, the mafia's going to come round your house, see?

They're going to burst through your rainbow Venetian blinds,

grab your sunburst clock, and smash it into your illuminated fountain.

And you?

It's a nice, yes?

It's a good.

Daphne!

Daphne!

Oh, dear.

What do I do now?

Daphne!

Oh, my, she's gone.

Oh, no.

I'm beginning to see little cowboys in the cornflakes.

Oh, no, not that.

Oh, good God, it's real.

They've all gone mad out there.

Oh, sorry.

I'm gonna be a teddy man.

Let's see.

Now, I've got my shoes to clean.

Hey, don't polish your shoes with your vest.

Oh, give me my shirt, then.

Are you sure you're sober?

Course I'm sober.

Here, you haven't seen me on the spoons.

What do you want if you don't want money?

What do you want if you don't want love, baby?

That was rotten.

Yeah, that's right.

He can only play him when he's drunk.

Why's your dad wearing a hair net?

Oh, yeah.

What else?

Get off, you.

I'm a changed man.

Well, there's no need to change into a woman.

This is to keep my hair in place for tallying.

Go and make yourself useful.

Go and get my jacket.

Here, I'll wash my hands, too.

Look.

Not that side.

Here, clean the boots.

Did Dennis tell you what he had to do, Mr.

Dunstable?

Yes, something about acting like a big vicar.

Yeah, voila.

In between nims, perhaps you could pick up some money, eh?

No, it's quite easy.

All the names are on this list, see?

Now, if it's a bloke, answer the door.

You look tough, and you turned a cop up.

Oh, fancy light.

Now, if a bird answers the door, you turn on the charm a bit.

Eh?

Do what?

Just watch.

My, my, my, Miss Abbott, seeing you has brightened up my whole day, eh?

That's a lovely pair of boots.

You're polishing?

Get off, see?

When was the last time you wore this suit?

I wore that suit on my wedding night.

Well, what's this for, then?

It was to keep you quiet.

Here, how do I look, son?

Well, if you wear that, like Ina Sharples.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, you have to let yourself in.

I've just come out of a coma.

Oh, my poor bad legs.

Oh.

Have you come to feel my bumps, then?

You know, it's better to have me head red, too.

Oh, he's gone half past now.

Oh, OK.

Oh, well, he must have given me a quick feel while I was in my coma.

Who are you, then?

Oh, come here to.

Oh, no.

Good afternoon, Miss Abbott.

The sight of you has brightened my day.

Get away.

I've come for the money for Willie the Woolly ostrich.

Oh, I'll pay for you.

Well, I don't know that I'm going to pay you that.

My little soldier tried to fly him, you know, from the bedroom window.

And he burst on next door's railings.

Oh.

I mean, you wouldn't credit what they're using for stuffing nowadays.

Miss Abbott.

No, I shouldn't pay you anyway.

If I get up off here, I should probably go into one of my hallucinations.

Oh, you get those, I'll get them all the time, at least I used to,

I've not had one today.

Do you get the legs as well?

Yeah, they keep collapsing under me when I'm least expecting it.

I could really belt them sometimes.

Could you?

Oh, let's have a look then.

Come on, there's one fellow suffering to another, give us a quick peek.

Just a quick one.

Oh, my God, they're all blowing streaky.

Mine was like that, you know,

before they went through the mottled purple to what they are now.

Oh, mummified and throbbing.

I may appear unsullied, dear, but I'm Mrs, actually.

Mrs...

My hubby left me, you know.

So did mine.

Is that why you can't afford the ostrich?

Oh, my dear man, ostrich.

which is a no problem to a woman in my position.

Oh, you got money, eh?

Well, you know, I'm not rich, so to speak,

but I shall never need to be menial again.

That's so.

You keep this place looking pretty.

Oh, well, I'll help it like that for my friend, who, you know,

keeps me on a pedestal.

And I'll do anything for a man what keeps me on a pedestal.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What's your throbbers on this?

Careful!

Careful, they're on fire.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, I say, ha, ha, ha.

Hands of the sage you've got, haven't you?

Ooh!

You could be enough of little Billy Graham.

I'll have a quick read of your bumps, if you like, because I made them so bold.

I didn't know you had the touch as well.

Feel free.

Oh, yes, you're so deaf.

What does my cranium say?

It says that you're a person who has suffered.

Suffered?

But if you can meet a fellow sufferer who needs help,

your legs will be straight in a jiffy.

Straight?

Not a throb left in them.

Is that fair?

Yes, that's what it says here.

It's a curse.

Yes, it says you're going to meet a very special person.

Yes.

Someone tall and dark with grey and streaky legs.

Sounds like you.

Yes, he does a bit, doesn't he?

You're supposed to be to be in his place half past seven.

Now, where is he?

I don't know.

Here.

Perhaps he's walked out on himself.

Oh, look, don't worry.

Just wait till midnight, then go down the nick.

They'll have him.

Look, it's me money I'm worried about.

Not your bleeding dad.

I'm going to try his place again.

I'll see you then.

OK, good luck, Pete.

You're not sure, right, sir?

Blooming awful.

I said it.

My dad hasn't been in here tonight, has he, cos Pete can't find him.

That's funny.

When I went home from his team, me mum weren't in either.

I reckon her legs have finally got on top of the harbour.

I'll expect they'll point that somewhere.

Yeah, I expect...

Good evening.

Sit them down gently, Vera.

Oh, that's hard, David.

We don't want them throbbing tonight.

Thank you.

That was very nice, Francis.

My compliments to the chef.

It was burnt!

Steak and kidney pie is meant to be burnt, my little Garkon.

Ha -ha -ha -ha!

Told them on senior it was trebon, mercy.

Luigi, they liked it!

Pfft!

Makes a change from a muck you dish up any day.

Oh, my baby!

Your son spoke to me like that, I give him a mouthful of Lucy's.

No, no, no, no, that was only my Frankie's little joke.

He likes to tease his mummy, you know.

He knows it takes my mind off my body.

You're a dab hand in the kitchen, then, are you?

Oh, my dear David,

I'm never so happy as when I'm concocting delicacies for my household.

Oh, yes, the chip pan is hardly off the stove.

I think that's something sort of remarkable, placed as you are on your legs.

Oh, well, you know, it's quite easy, really.

When you have someone like my friends to inspire me...

Oh, oh!

Oh, look at him, weaving round like a little Georgie vest.

Ha -ha -ha!

Come and stop here, they might see me.

I had to stop somewhere, I was running a muck.

What are they talking about?

Chips, bugs and me mum's legs.

Oh, they've hit it off, then.

Oh, it's not right, is it?

My dad's never took my mum to a restaurant.

Here, do you think my dad's drunk?

I think he must be, you know, playing a spoon's good.

HE LAUGHS You did that for me.

Of course, you know, my ex could never handle the spoons like that.

Oh, he lacked all the social graces.

Well, I'll entertain a lady when I take her out.

No, no, really, though, he was quite brutal.

He never hesitated to bludgeon my weaker spots.

Oh.

I could never bludgeon the fair six.

If you'll allow me to tag that word onto one such as you.

Well, of course, I would have walked out.

on him sooner you know dear.

had I not been in the last throes of pregnancy.

oh I did suffer.

I really did.

I expect you had it with your little Dennis didn't you?

well my wife my wife had him you know.

I never wanted him.

oh really it's quite sweet actually.

he often drops a bag of manure in on me.

I'm sure it was accidental.

he doesn't know what he's doing half the time.

quick stop him Frankie.

he's getting all lusty.

right Lord Cheka uh Fraulein.

oh yes well just tell me how much.

50 ,000 a era.

do what?

that's 30 bob in english money.

there you are.

keep the change little soldier.

sure however tight she's in your.

oh I see he's picking up the lingo treats.

this way there.

gently now.

goodbye.

we don't want to arouse your legs.

They haven't throbbed once all night, have they?

Mad bumps never let me down yet, dear.

That's pretty.

Pretty.

Ladies like pretty things.

Oh, gaudy.

Wasting the money on a lot of foliage.

Looking like a strip.

She's here.

She's here.

Ah, la -dee.

Oh, no, she's all alone.

La -dee, la -dee.

I'm in.

Oh, what do you want?

My money.

Look, excuse me, I'm busy now.

Anyway, nobody paid up.

Oh, yes, they did.

You collected over 20 quid.

Ten.

All right, ten.

And Dennis tells you you were spending some of it last night.

Entertaining clients.

Yeah, what's this, pork pie?

Oh, yes.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm cleaning up.

You're never bringing Mrs Abbott round here.

Why not?

I'm no snub.

And this is what he spent my money on.

Well, it's expensive entertaining, the lady.

This is the food for a start.

Crisps?

As they were free, quid's worth it.

Ladies like crisps.

And flowers.

And drink.

And bowls of water.

I got to wash my feet, haven't I?

And not the belly button.

Yes, bloody mouse again.

There we go.

Oh, you missed.

Well, I've only used a trap.

No, you're all right.

Oh, you see, traps are no good.

Look, I implored you to do a job collecting money.

I've done it.

I'll hand it over.

Oh, I've never said anything about it.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got a lot of spray in to do.

Yeah, that should stop them jumping.

All right.

All right, I'm going.

But you're not over the last of this.

I'm going to get that ten quid out of you.

If it's the last thing I do...

Oh, yeah.

What?

What about my commission?

Top of the decommission!

That's a cock of wolf.

Yeah.

That's a spitfire.

Yeah.

And that's our court, eh?

How they make models of the...

everything nowadays even men and women can you see all their parts oh yeah do

you reckon my mum and your dad would get married hey your mum would have two

little soldiers then yeah yeah you ain't having me bedroom or me ducks or what

I found in the ostrich I don't flip him onesie yeah you were right about your

dad Danny you're spending that money yeah of course he is give me ten bob

chipped in me that's not a past ten to go it's all going on his mum you know oh

he is taking her out again then taking her out he's having a party for her

isn't he Chris Flair's bowls of water of a lot bowls of water he's washing his

feet Corey must really fancy your mum yeah I know what we're gonna do that hey

that's only one thing you can do let's go around there tonight and break it up

yeah and just see it we'll make each other cross no man's land waiting to make

the first move then we'll swoop in and Are you sure you won't partake of

another little nip?

Oh, no, Tardar, it must bleed.

Music?

Look, I savage breath.

Vera, do you think your legs will take to accompany me around the floor?

Pardon?

Would you care to dance?

Oh, the night fantastic.

Oh, my lovely.

Look, I'm an eagle.

No.

No.

Those are heavy, mister.

Oh, mister, what is he doing?

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about the lumps in the floor.

It's an old -fashioned house, you know.

That's wonderful.

It's caring to dance.

Oh, but it lacks a woman's touch.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry about the goldfish.

What goldfish?

There's nothing there.

Oh, the little sod's escaped again.

Sit down, dry your leg out.

I didn't bargain for that, you know.

Look, I'll say, would you like something to eat?

I think I've got a pork pie somewhere.

Oh, that pie smells like...

Yeah, all right.

How about a drink, then?

No, Tardar.

I think I'll have a drink.

Vera, you were knowing how you were saying about a woman's touch.

Yes.

Well, I've been thinking.

This place, it lacks...

Well, it lacks a woman's touch,

and I thought with the occasional help from someone who understands about grey

and woolly legs...

Douglas!

Daddy!

Oh, I see you're drinking again, Dad.

Who are you?

Who needs you doing?

Now, look, see, we all know that you're...

Go on.

Well, we know that you're adulterating.

Yes, actually.

We just have an acute understanding of each other's bodily functions.

That's wrong.

You're drunk again, aren't you?

Here, test him with a spoon.

Argh!

David!

Well, I'm not in the mood for music.

Still, you didn't go all best to your...

Oh, well, hasn't he hit you yet, then?

What?

Here, you're not really brutal, are you, do you?

He is.

Anywhere's in here, next.

Give me that right.

Hey, father, don't take me!

You come behind me, then.

No, no, you won't protect him.

I'll have me here alone.

You're swine.

No way.

Shoo.

Oh, oh, a little mistake, my dear.

Come out, my little Francis, my little Assisi.

Now you're seeing him as he really is.

He only wants you here to clear the place up for him.

He doesn't need it.

Yes, he does, then.

The place is a pigsty.

Show me one pig.

I'm looking right at you.

I wonder I didn't see it before, blinded by your silver tongue.

I suppose you're cussing over you.

Me cussing over?

That's Italian for pig.

Gosh!

Oh, my legs are caving in all around me.

Frank can get me home quick before the interference starts.

Here they come, the dots.

Come and make me some chips, Mummy.

Chips?

I'm going on strained baby nosh the rest of my life.

Good riddance, you stupid hydrophobiac.

Spots before your eyes, hope your vertical hole goes.

Now that's over, what about Pete's money?

Tell him he can have the crisp.

He doesn't want the crisp.

Oh, the flowers, just ten quid.

He can't have it, I haven't got a job.

Well, we'll just have to get you one, won't we?

Oi!

Hi, good lad!