Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Ryan Conner.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I grew up kind of near here.

I actually have a huge and multiracial family.

I have 11 brothers. Here's how that happened.

So my parents got divorced when I was two.

My mom and stepdad have been together since I was four.

My stepdad's Black. I have two Black stepbrothers,

four adopted brothers who are Black,

two Vietnamese brothers,

one Chinese brother, and two white brothers.

And I am right in the middle, age-wise.

Like, picture a college brochure.

- That's pretty much what it is. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, you see my family photo,

your first thought's like, "Yeah, I go there."

"It's a...

"It's a good school, you know, state school, affordable. Okay."

[CHUCKLES]

Since we grew up together, no one has any racial stereotypes.

It always takes me a minute to get them.

Like one time a guy told me what I now know is a racist joke.

At the time, I just thought it was an earnest question.

He goes, "There's a Black guy, a Hispanic guy, and an Asian guy in the back of a car.

"Who's driving?"

I was like, "My mom? I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You got to give me more information, man. When was this?

I was like, "Tuesday is our soccer practice.

"Like, is that...

"Like, if you need a ride, just say you need a ride, man.

"Like, we don't need riddles. I don't know why you're doing this."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just be ready at 6:00. No cleats in the van."

Also, whenever I have to guess stereotypes, I'm always off.

Because I just base them on my brothers' behavior.

Like, one time, a comic friend was writing

what was probably gonna be a horrible joke.

And he was like, "Hey, dude, I need a Chinese stereotype.

"You have a Chinese brother, right?"

I was like, "Yeah, man.

"Chinese people eat all the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And he's like, "That might be too specific."

I was like, "Then you should not have asked me, then. I don't know."

I grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood.

I didn't have any white friends at all till I got to college.

So it wasn't until then that I found out

that everyone doesn't cover their bodies in lotion two to three times a day.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, that's how I was raised.

Like, my mentality was like,

we might not agree on everything,

but we're all fighting the war on ashiness.

- Like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] That's the one thing we've got as Americans.

So then, my freshman year at college, I'm in my dorm room.

It's me and five other white guys I just met.

We're playing Madden,

and I paused the game to put cocoa butter on my elbows.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As soon as I hit the pump on the cocoa butter,

they just look at me like, "Is he about to jack off right now?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They're like, "I love defense, too,

"but I'm not in love with defense."

And I can tell they're looking at me weird, but I don't know why.

- So I offer them some. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they were just like, "I didn't know it was that kind of party, um..."

Well, then I start putting it on my elbows and they're like,

"You can put dick sauce on your arms?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, we all learned something that day.

I just flew in, couple nights ago.

Middle of my flight,

the guy directly in front of me starts panicking

because he thought he was having a heart attack.

- It ended up being indigestion. He's fine. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But the flight attendant announced,

"We have a medical emergency. Is there a doctor on board?"

The woman behind me stood up and goes,

"My husband's a chiropractor."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I don't know if you've ever seen 200 people laugh hysterically

while a man thinks he's dying.

It's incredible.

Even the guy who thought he was having a heart attack

was laughing his ass off.

He's like," Yeah, my heart's exploding.

"Come crack my back, please."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, I... I bet if someone else was like,

"Well, I once played Operation."

He'd have been like, "Then get in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I really felt for him.

It's got to be so embarrassing to think you're gonna die

and tell everyone you're gonna die,

and then you just burp a couple of times.

- You're like, "No, I'm fine. I'm good, actually." - [LAUGHING]

CONNER: And then you just sit on the same plane

with them for another four hours.

I know the feeling because a couple years ago,

I almost died in the most ridiculous way possible.

All right, don't worry. I made it. I'm fine.

- Uh... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Okay? So, then did he die?"

No, I didn't. [LAUGHS]

So here's what happened.

I get taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

Everyone thinks I'm having a stroke.

They do hours of tests on me.

And then the doctor comes into my room and goes,

"Quick. He has dangerously low potassium."

I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?

"Am I about to die of a banana deficiency?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Or am I just going to have the lamest survivor story in history?" [LAUGHS]

Because it's not respectable.

Like, half of my friends are veterans,

and I can just see myself trying to relate to them.

We're hanging out like, "Yeah, we're flying this helicopter over Fallujah.

"And these RPGs are flying at us from every angle."

And I'm like, "Hey, let me stop you there, man. Uh...

"That reminds me of this time I totally spaced and forgot to eat bananas."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Guys like us. You know what I'm saying?" [CHUCKLES]

"A little too close to the edge at times, right?"

[CHUCKLES] So they gave me a potassium drip.

Had me drink these two, like, effervescent tablets.

I was fine in an hour, okay?

So I was like, "Okay, this can't cost more than $4, right?"

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [SIGHS]

Because, I mean, it can't because

number two at Jamba Juice is $6.99,

and that's the same thing but it's delicious.

so this can't be more than $4.

I get the bill a couple months later.

$9,000 after insurance,

- WOMAN 1: Wow. - WOMAN 2: Oh, my God.

$9,000 for liquid bananas.

For $9,000, you can buy every banana on the planet, okay?

So I called up my insurance.

I was like, "Dude, how was this $9,000?"

They were like, "Well, it's 'cause you almost died out-of-network."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "So the next time I almost die,

"I just need to check to make sure I'm in-network."

He's like, "Basically."

I said, "Does anyone ever not pay their bill?"

And he's like, "All the time."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "I'm glad you're used to it then.

"Then mark me down for never going to pay, all right?

"I'll drop off some bananas if you want, but that's..." [LAUGHS]

"I'll pay you in potassium."

But the thing is, I knew from the beginning

that the insurance people didn't respect me,

because when I called to file a claim,

the guy goes, "Sir, can you please confirm your Member ID?"

And then he goes, "One number at a time."

I was like, "Yeah, man, that's how I say numbers. Like...

"How did you think I was going to approach an 11-digit number?"

The only thing I can think of is there's a note on my account that's like,

"This guy is gonna try to say them all at once, all right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You got to step in there, cut him off at the pass."

What the hell did he think I was gonna do?

Like, I was gonna read it like a word?

Or like I was some person who would read a member...

Oh, yeah, my Member ID is, uh, 13 billion, 891 million,

612 thousand, 140 C.

I didn't even know C was a...

Wait, I got the commas wrong.

138 billion, 2...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I was in band from elementary school all the way through college.

I don't know if any of you guys are also really cool.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Here's the irony of band, is that

everyone in the world loves music,

but no one likes it if it's sanctioned by a school.

Like, no one's ever been like, "Hey, what's your favorite band?

"Radiohead?

"Oh, mine's the school."

"My favorite song? Oh, it's, uh...

"It's that one they play during time-outs.

"It's got that, uh, tuba solo you can fuck to.

"It's a..."

Here's what... Okay, here's the deal.

Every school program does fundraisers, right?

For band, in high school,

we sold onions door-to-door.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you know how little the school has to think of you

to make you sell onions door-to-door in your own community?

I don't know if there was a draft or something.

Because football sold pizza, basketball sold cookies,

and I guess eventually they were like,

"Hey, band. Uh, we're down to onions and cemetery plots. What do you guys think?"

[LAUGHING] We're like, "Well, of the two, I guess we're going onions."

They're like, "All right, uh, sewing club,

"find out who wants to get buried on school grounds."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So here is the deal.

The minimum order...

The minimum order was 30 onions for $30.

30 onions at the same time.

Not spread over two decades. This is...

It's just one day, we don't know when

a truck will show up and fill your house with onions.

The average human eats 30 onions in six lifetimes, like...

Like, the only way you need 30 onions on the same day

is if you own more than one Outback.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then for an extra $10, they throw in 4 pounds of garlic.

Which, I don't know if you know what 4 pounds of garlic looks like,

but garlic weighs slightly less than air.

All right?

So then, they sent in a sales guy,

which, you know, they didn't have to do for pizza.

And the sales guy was like,

"Just so you guys know,

"these Vidalia onions are so sweet, you can eat 'em like an apple."

It's just like, "Get the fuck out of here."

If I see someone eating an onion like an apple,

I'm calling the FBI.

Like, that is a tip of the iceberg situation,

where he's like, "FBI, I found the guy who did everything,

"especially the weird stuff."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I still can't figure out how this program existed.

Like, I don't know. The only thing I think of, it was like

there was some farmer who accidentally grew 2 million extra onions,

and he's like, "How do I get rid of these?"

And he knows the principal. And the principal is like,

"Hey, I know a group of kids who just want to be part of something."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just happy to be involved." [LAUGHS]

So, uh, I've been married for eight years now.

- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] - Oh.

Thank you to a couple people. Thank you.

The first one was two years.

The second one was six, uh...

I combined my stats.

My career total's eight years.

I got two rings is the way I look at it. That's the positive spin.

Olajuwon numbers, you know what I mean?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [CHUCKLES]

So I am double divorced.

Uh, so on one hand, whoops. Uh...

At the same time,

if you get one divorce, you are gonna want another one,

all right?

Otherwise, you're gonna be chasing that high for the rest of your life.

Like a retired astronaut just staring at the moon every night, like,

"How do I get back there?"

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, if you haven't had a divorce,

highly recommend it, just...

It's the... It's the best thing in the world.

Unless you don't want one, they definitely don't.

It's... [CHUCKLES] It's horrible, if you don't want it, though.

The first one, the day we split,

uh, we're just ecstatic.

We go separate ways.

I get on the highway and I'm just driving,

just giddy driving, nowhere in particular.

I get pulled over, going 98 in a 55.

And I'm so happy, I don't even understand what's happening.

The cop comes up to my window.

He's, like, nervous, you know, and he's, like, hand on his hip.

And he's like, "What's going on?"

And I just turned around, just smiling, like, "Hello."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And he's like, "This guy is crazy, okay."

He was like, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

And I was like... [ENTHUSIASTICALLY] "How fast was it?"

Like it was Price Is Right or some shit.

And he was like, "You were going 98."

And I was like, "That's really fast."

And he's like, "What is happening right now?"

[LAUGHING] And I said, "Well, to tell the truth,

"my wife and I just split, and it was the worst marriage on Earth."

He slowly lowers his glasses and goes,

"Hell, yeah, brother."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shook my hand, told me to have a good weekend.

He goes back and gets in his car.

And then I'm looking at my rearview mirror,

I see him start to walk towards me, and I'm like, "Ugh,

"he must be required to give me a ticket If he pulled me over."

Comes to me, bends down as he goes,

"Hey, man, I just wanna let you know.

"There's a speed trap at Exit 2. Look out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, that guy's had at least four divorces. [LAUGHS]

That was a veteran move.

[CHUCKLES]

Nothing wrong with being married.

I'm like... I'm for it, uh, in general.

I probably would not marry my ex-wives again, but I'm open to it in general.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Um...

Yeah.

Only... The only thing I don't really like about it is wearing a ring.

I did it because you do that.

But it was just never comfortable.

And then I can't understand why

humans fell for the wedding ring.

Like, centuries ago.

It's just... It's bizarre.

There was a great sales pitch, though.

Whoever came up with it was like, "You know, it's...

"The shape is endless, so it represents your love for each other.

"It's... It's never-ending."

It's like, "Yeah, that, or it's the one shape that won't fall off a finger.

"What makes more sense there?"

Like, you know what other shapes are endless?

All of them.

That is the definition of a shape, all right?

If it's not endless, it's called a line.

All right? [CHUCKLES]

You know what else is endless? Olive Garden breadsticks.

But no one ever gets married,

and they're like, "Yeah, now hold these breadsticks till one of you dies.

[LAUGHING]

So about three months ago,

I got a Facebook invite for an orgy.

Which... Yeah.

First of all, I didn't know you could do that on Facebook.

Uh, secondly, nothing about me suggests I'd be an asset to group sex.

[LAUGHING]

Like, I'm more of a group bowling kind of guy.

Also like, I... I mean,

I can't even handle dirty talk. Like, I...

Like women didn't talk to me till I was 21,

so the only thing I ever wanna say during sex is like,

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"It's swell of you to be here, ma'am." Like... [CHUCKLES]

I don't wanna say anything that could jeopardize her attendance.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I dated someone who wanted me to insult her.

And I was like, "You have no idea how far beyond

- "my capabilities that is." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like... [CHUCKLES]

But I... I gave it a shot.

But I forgot to ask for the parameters for the insults,

which is vital information.

I was like, "She's an economist.

"I'll work with that." Like... Like I treated it like a roast,

which is apparently not what you do. [LAUGHS]

So we're in the moment, and then I just go,

"You didn't see the housing bubble coming, you dumbass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She was like, "Not like that, please."

I was like, "All right, you trickle-down economics dipshit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] She was like, "Can we stop forever?"

I said, "Thank you very much. I would love that."

[LAUGHS]

So... So back to the orgy.

The woman who invited me,

I only knew her from one previous interaction.

Ten years ago, she booked me to perform

- on a benefit for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yes. So, I'm just looking at this invite, wondering,

"Is this a Make-A-Wish affiliated orgy?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, is there some kid who's like, "I'm not going out until I see one, all right?

"Put it together. I read the by-laws, all right?

"A wish is a wish."

[LAUGHING]

At this point I'm like, "I owe it to this... You know?"

Yeah. So I clicked interested, um...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I did it for two reasons, one it is interesting.

Uh, two, I felt like I had to.

She only invited 20 people.

Do you know how bold that is?

Half the people you invite to weddings don't show up.

Like, so I'm thinking to get a decent numbers for an orgy,

you have to invite at least 40 to 50,000 people.

You invite 20 people, you're gonna get

three dudes sitting in the kitchen like,

"What do we fuck? I have no idea."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You wanna do the couch, I'll do the pillows. Like, I don't know."

Eventually, someone's like, "They've got Risk in the closet.

"You wanna fuck that up?"

It eventually just turns into a board game night.

So I did not realize that if you click "going" or "interested,"

- it shows up in your feed. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The next day, I get a notification

that my mom commented on the event.

Every organ in my body shut down.

It felt like my bananas were acting up again.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [RYAN LAUGHS]

I was like, "It's one of two nightmares,

"either my mom thinks I'm an orgy guy or much worse,

"my mom is also invited to this orgy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It takes me a couple of minutes to work up the courage

to click on her comment.

All it said was, "Hey, Ryan. Just wondering when you're coming home for Christmas.

"Let me know."

I still have no idea if she was fucking with me,

if she doesn't understand how Facebook works,

or if she was like, "You know, I never know what to get him for Christmas.

"And apparently he likes these 'or-gi' things,

"so I'll just see if they have them on Amazon. I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[RYAN LAUGHS]

I was back home a couple of years ago.

One of my brothers still lives with my parents.

He's younger than me and he's gay.

That's gonna matter in a moment.

- Uh... [LAUGHS] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I get in late the night before.

He doesn't know I'm there.

It's the next morning, like 8:30,

and our parents go to work.

It's just me and my brother in the house.

I hear him open the door.

Three other guys are directly above me.

They're talking for a minute, all right?

And then all of a sudden, I hear music start blasting,

and then I hear nothing but like thumping

and grunting

and like rhythmic skin slaps.

And I'm like, "Oh, no! I know what this sound is,

"because I've accidentally clicked on it before."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Tiny thumbnails. Don't use your phone.

Um...

And I want it to stop.

But the liberal in me is like, "Is it homophobic to ask him to stop?"

But like, of course, it's not homophobic

to not wanna hear your brother have an orgy.

Like, no one should want

to hear their sibling have an orgy.

But in the same time, like how do I stop it?

It's not like I can walk in and be like,

"Hey, could you stop fucking my brother so loud?"

Like, it's gonna ruin everybody's week.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I'm like, "I'm just gonna be the cool big brother

"and wait it out." You know?

'Cause I'm like, "After all, how long could this last?"

95 minutes is the answer. [LAUGHS]

So credit where credit is due.

Good job, fellas. Well done.

You delivered.

Once the music stops,

I give it, like, another ten minutes for the dust to settle. [LAUGHS]

Whatever that is.

You know when you walked into a room right after someone's had sex,

and you're like, "What is in the..." [COUGHS]

Like the air is haunted by sperm ghosts or something.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I wait those 10 minutes, and I walk upstairs.

Cautiously open the door.

Here's my proof. Four guys, shirtless, glistening with sweat.

One guy is wearing a fedora, which is never necessary.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My brother turns and sees me.

He's like, "Oh, my gosh! I am so sorry.

"I had no idea you were here."

And I was like, "Oh, no, man. It's cool.

"I'm, like, real laidback about this stuff, you know.

"You guys can keep going if you want, you know...

"I'm really progressive and whatnot.

"Uh... I'm just gonna get some waffles,

"and then go downstairs and puncture my eardrums."

- Um... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] And he goes, "I'm so glad you're not mad.

"If I'd known, we would've done it outside.

"But we were just having a dance rehearsal."

And I was like, "Oh, the only thing gayer than an orgy. All right."

- [LAUGHING] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I told him I was like, "Man, I was way more comfortable

"when I thought you were fucking each other."

I was like, "I understand why people have sex,

"but I can't figure out for the life of me,

"why four 20-year-olds had a dance rehearsal at 8:30 a.m."

Like, if I had known you were dancing the whole time,

I would've barged in immediately, just like, "Cut this shit out.

"This is not how you were raised, all right?

"Now start fucking each other or something, all right?"

Several years ago, I did shows in China.

There's a lot of, like, English speaking expats there.

and before I went, I was like, "I don't wanna be the stereotype of the, like,

"arrogant, ignorant American, who goes to another country

"and doesn't speak any of the language."

So I was like, "Let me learn Chinese real quick."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [RYAN CHUCKLES]

Which is the most like arrogant and ignorant thing anyone has ever thought.

I studied Mandarin for several weeks.

At the end of that time, the only phrase I could say was,

"The man rides a horse."

That was it. Not the most useful phrase.

I don't think I've ever said it in English,

except in this moment. [LAUGHS]

Like there's no scenario where it's gonna come up,

like I'm just gonna attend an equestrian event.

I'm next to a guy who, like, just got out of a coma

that he's been in ever since before horses came out.

And he's like, "Hey, man, what does the man ride?"

I'm like, "Uh, the man rides a horse, actually.

"It was Chapter 2.

"I'm surprised you didn't..."

So, I was like, "I give up.

"I'm not smart enough to learn this language." [LAUGHS]

So I was like, as long as I can say, "Thank you," I'm fine.

So I go to China, I'm just saying "thank you" nonstop.

Left and right, just, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

[LAUGHS] After several hours, my translator goes,

"Hey, Ryan, um, you know, uh, when you think you're saying thank you,

"you're actually saying 'smoking'?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Why did you start that sentence with 'you know'?"

[LAUGHS] I obviously did not know that.

I would not consciously be getting change back and then going, "Smoking?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I was like, "What am I saying?"

And he was like, "You're saying 'shi-shi.'"

And I said, "What should I be saying?"

He's like, "Shi-shien." And I'm like, "Well, fuck me. That sounds exactly the same."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So then he teaches me, and then he's like, "Oh, you're saying it perfectly.

"That's perfect."

So then I'm doing it for a couple of days, right?

And then he finally stops me and goes, "Hey, Ryan, um..."

And I'm like, "Smoking again?" He goes, "No, much worse."

Uh...

He's like, "Now, instead of saying 'thank you,'

"you're actually saying a woman's name."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's significantly creepier than smoking.

Just imagine I'm doing a transaction.

I buy something and then I just go, "Stephanie?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're like, "No."

Or it's much weirder if it's "yes."

'Cause then like, "What kind of scavenger hunt are you playing?

"Am I safe right now?"

[LAUGHS]

It was funny, man. Like, there's so many American expats.

I hung out with this one guy one night.

He was out of his mind.

He lived in China and Shanghai

for like nine years at this point.

And he goes, "Dude, I'm never going back to the States,

because China is way more free than the US.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I was like, "Dude, there's police at all my shows

"making sure that I don't mention 'democracy.'"

[LAUGHS]

"Like, I will literally be taken straight to the airport if I do that."

And he goes, "Yeah, but here I can just go outside and piss in the street."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "If I did that at home, I'm gonna get a ticket."

And I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause you should get a ticket. Like..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Public urination is a bigger issue for you than voting rights? Like..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Maybe we don't want you back at home then.

"I don't know.

"If you're just gonna come home and complain that you can't take

"a shit at Food Lion, like..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "I went into Burger King. I just tried to jerk off in the lobby

"and they arrested me.

"What, is Burger King, run by Chairman Mao or something?"

[LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So my first night...

[CHUCKLES]

First night, the promoter pulls me aside

before the show and he goes, "Hey, I just got to warn you,

"uh, there are a couple scams going around."

And I was like, "I'm pretty savvy.

"Uh, I don't think I'm gonna fall for these, whatever they are."

And then he tells me the scams.

I was like, "Yeah, I actually fell for both of those already."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just didn't realize there were scams.

I just thought Shanghai was extremely expensive.

So here's what they were. The first one I got tricked

into buying some art for about a 1600% markup,

I later found out. [CHUCKLES]

So, but whatever, at least it's art. It's something I can keep.

The worst one was I'm walking back to my hotel with my art.

- [CLICKS TONGUE] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And these... These three women who must have seen the art

and been like, "Got him." And...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One of them goes, "Hey, are you American?"

I was like, "Yes, I am.

"Do you have an opportunity for me?"

Like, just, not the way to respond

to "Are you an American?" in another country.

And she goes, "Well, have you been to the tea ceremony yet?"

And I was like, "I didn't know there was one. Tell me about it."

And she's like, "Well, it's only here every 300 years."

And I believed that shit. Like, she picked a unit of time

that no one measures anything by, and I'm like, "Woo-hoo! What luck?"

So they lead me to what can only be described

as an abandoned mall.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gigantic, three-story mall, completely vacant,

except for this one back hallway they take me down,

where I'm like, "Okay, I'm either gonna die

"or they're just keeping the fucking tea party under wraps.

"Maybe that's it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm thinking when we get there, since the tea party is so hot,

there's gonna be a line.

Believe it or not, I'm the only person at the tea party.

I go in. I take six sips of tea,

just one of each of these things.

It was delicious.

Uh, and I was like, "Well, this is probably five dollars well spent.

And, uh... [CHUCKLES]

They give me the check.

- $160 US. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

For six sips of tea.

The crazy thing is, I had exactly $160 in my pocket.

So I was like, "Are you guys working with David Blaine or something?

"Like, how do you know exactly how much money I have?"

And then the woman goes, she was like, "Well, you know, if you need to,

"you can go to the ATM right now."

And I was thinking, "That's perfect. I'll just run."

And then I was like, "Wait a minute. I don't know what happens

"in China if you just run out on a bill." [LAUGHS]

I don't wanna, like, find myself waking up in some leaky torture dungeon

with people doing shit to my joints.

[CHUCKLES] So... And I also didn't wanna leave my art behind

because at the time I didn't know it was scam art.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I pull all my money out of my pocket and I start to pay her.

But I'm... I'm furious, obviously.

And with each bill I put down, I'm like,

"Fuck you, Fuck you! Fuck you!"

And she can tell I'm pissed off, because I just keep saying,

"Fuck you," you know?

So then, she wants me to think it's worth it.

So she... she does this little sales pitch.

She was like, "Well, you know, uh, this is actually

"a very luxurious experience because if you notice that

when I pour the hot water in the cup, a dragon appears on the side.

And I was like, "Yeah, we have that same technology on our Coors Light cans.

"Like I'm not...

"I'm not impressed by your fucking dragon cup."

And then I called her "Stephanie" and I left.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can't believe I had the gall to think that I can speak Mandarin. [CHUCKLES]

I could barely speak English when I was a kid.

Like I... I lived in the South when I was really little,

and then I moved to the D.C. area,

and found out I didn't know how to say my own name.

All right? Ryan could not be more straightforward,

but in the town where I was from,

it's pronounced... [HIGH-PITCHED] "Raan!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like an "R" and seven pages of "I's."

It's also the sound you get when you throw a cat through the air.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[RYAN LAUGHS]

So I was like, "Ryan?" I'm like, "What is that?"

Is that a vegetable?

I... I love Southern accents, though. Like, it's so melodic.

Like, I have one uncle who talks so slowly

that when he gets to the end of a sentence,

you've already forgot what the beginning was.

So every time he pauses, I just go, "Well, shit."

And he goes... [YELLS] "Damn right!"

That's...

That's every conversation I have with that uncle.

I see a part of my family every year at Christmas,

and it is hilarious because my uncles are just...

All they want to talk about is directions.

Just, "Hey, which way did you come here?"

"What road did you take?"

"You take 220, or you take 460?

"Did you go north, then east? Or did you go east, then north?

"Was there traffic on 460?

"You know, they put that light in. They shouldn't have put that light in.

"We don't need any lights. We don't need lights.

"Which way are you going to go back?"

I'm like, "What are you going to do with this data? Why do you...

"What are you collecting this information for?"

[LAUGHS]

"So. which way did you come?"

I'm like, "I don't know, I just put it in my GPS."

"GPS?"

"You need a robot to tell you how to get to your grandma's house?"

I'm like, "No, no, it's just the easiest thing to do."

And he's like, "No, what you need to do is..."

I'm like, "No, what I need to do is put it in my GPS,"

"so I don't have to look for the weird tree you're gonna describe."

I'm like, "Why does anyone give anyone directions anymore?"

Like, my dad gave me these directions.

He's like, "You're gonna go down 220 about three, four, could be six,

"maybe up to 12 miles.

"You're gonna make a right at the post, okay?

"You can't miss it because it's the only post on that road.

"There's other poles...

"and columns.

"This is the only post.

"You're gonna go down about six, eight, nine miles, possibly.

"You're gonna make a left where the Thompson hot dog place was, that burned down in '86."

I'm like, "It burned down in '86?"

And he goes, "Yeah, but it still feels like hot dogs there."

It's like, "Dad, I don't have this phantom hot dog sense you think I have."

And then he just goes, "Then you've been in the city too long."

That's his answer to everything.

Like, I don't have any, like... I don't have any, like, survival skills,

to be honest, I don't... [SPUTTERS] You don't really need them, you know.

We've got walls and shit. [LAUGHS]

You don't really have to be able to survive.

They... They had me in Cub Scouts when I was little, and I quit when I was seven,

because I realized that everything they taught me in Cub Scouts

was a survival tool in case I got lost in the woods.

And then I realized the only time I had ever been in the woods

was with the Cub Scouts.

So I was like, "If I just cut these guys out of the equation, I'm safe."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm not kidding.

I'm not gonna run into a bear at the Boys & Girls Club, you know.

There's not gonna be a scenario where I'm playing video games with my friends and you're like,

"Hey, someone tie a square knot or we're all gonna drown."

It's like, specifically Cub Scout dangers. It's... It's so absurd.

Like... Like they prepare you for unnecessary danger

and then just subject you to it as a 7-year-old.

Just camping with wolves and bears and shit.

Like, it'd be like if you took a self-defense class

and the end of the first class they were like, "All right, send in the murderers."

"Oh, you're struggling? Then you should've listened.

"You should've listened, all right?"

So, I was born in 1980.

A lot of Cub Scouts going around when I was a kid.

A lot of DARE program.

A whole lot of DARE program.

Look, even as a kid, it was clearly absurd.

Like, it's based on the idea that marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs.

They always backed it up with stats that were clearly made up.

Like, I remember our DARE officers saying,

"Well, 95% of people who smoke crack also smoke marijuana."

That's obviously made up, because crackheads don't take surveys.

All right? Like, where did you get the figures from, man, like...

Are you really trying to tell us there's a socially conscious crack dealer?

Who is quizzing crackheads and then reporting back to the government, like...

Then, the... The most ridiculous stat was, uh...

And they thought they could get this on us because it has a fraction in it.

There are like, uh... One-third of people who die in car accidents

go on to test positive for marijuana.

I'm like, "Only one-third?"

That just means if you don't smoke weed,

you're twice as likely to die in a car accident.

That's the best pro pot statement I've ever heard in my life.

It's ridiculous.

Here is the absurd part of the DARE program.

They start it when you're seven.

I'm like, "I'm seven years old. Why are you teaching me about heroin? Like..."

I... I could not figure it out. Like, I couldn't even tie my shoes.

Like, what makes you think I could work a syringe?

Like, you really think I'm gonna be lighting up a spoon in the bathroom?

I'm not even allowed to touch a lighter, all right?

Also, my allowance was $5 every other week.

Like, I'd have to save up 2 months just to buy generic Tylenol.

I remember the... the DARE officer,

he would bring the, uh... He would do the presentation in the classroom.

He'd have this case with, like, 40 windows in it. Each had a different drug in it.

And now I'm an adult. I know there are only, like, five drugs.

So what the fuck were they...

What were they trying to tell us was in there?

They'd finish the presentation and go, "All right. Any questions?"

We're like, "No, we do not have any questions about meth, sir. Like, we're seven."

You think someone's going, "Yeah, okay. So if I get Sudafed PM

and I crush that up real good, put some ethanol in it...

Put that on the streets within 48 hours...

We don't... No, We don't have meth questions, man.

He was like, "No questions at all?"

I'm like, "Uh, I have one question."

He's like, "Yeah, young man."

I'm like, "Yeah, is that a real dog?"

He was like, "Yes, it is a real dog."

I'm like, "No further questions, Your Honor."

"That's... That's all I got."

We did a, we did a... We did a field trip to the county jail.

Do you know how absurd that is?

In third grade, we did a field trip to the... This wasn't Scared Straight!.

This is just a class,

not to look at the jail,

we served six hours of time behind bars

with other people who were in jail.

We spent an entire school day behind bars.

Our teacher was on the outside like a guard.

And we sat on this, like, long, like, picnic table thing,

just watching guys play dominoes for cigarettes.

That was our field trip. And we're, you know, when you're eight years old,

you have that thing where you're, like, you think you can blend in with adults.

Like you don't realize that it's pretty clear you're a kid.

So you're just like, "Hey, what... What are you in for, man?

"What are you in for?"

"Oh, arson. Cool, cool."

"Me? Uh, I shouldn't say, I shouldn't say."

"Field trip?" "Yeah, actually, Yes. Field trip. Yes."

"Very ill-advised field trip is what I'm in for."

"How could you tell? Is it because I'm three feet tall

and wearing a T-shirt that says 'soccer'?"

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - "Is that..."

It's so crazy that weed is, like, so vilified

when, like, really the only negative side effect

is it makes you misunderstand documentaries.

And then give the wrong information to your friends.

One of my little brothers is a pothead.

And I watched this documentary with him

about this blind guy who gets around using echolocation.

Have you ever seen the guy ticks with his mouth?

He can tell what his surroundings are based off the sound waves.

It's... It's amazing.

So there's a scene where he's going down the street

and he's like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

He's like, "There's a trash can on my left." [CLICKS TONGUE] "Car on the right."

You know... "Fire hydrant on the left."

We're both amazed, but for different reasons.

He turns to me and goes, "So, like, can he talk to dolphins, then?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, no.

I was like, "Why do you think this is an infomercial for Rosetta Stone Dolphin?

"Why did language even enter your mind?"

He's like, "Well, he's talking to trash cans, isn't he?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like, "No, he's not talking to trash cans."

He goes, "Then how else would he know it's a trash can?"

I was like, "You think he's like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

and it's like... [HIGH-PITCHED] 'I'm a trash can.'"

He was like, "Basically."

I was like, "Man..." [SIGHS]

"I just realized that's not even the dumbest thing you're saying here.

"It's what you're implying.

"Which is that dolphins can also talk to trash cans."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I think I've got him at this point, and he just goes,

"Lot of people throw trash in the ocean, so..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's his closing argument. Just locking the fingers.

And, like, I'm just supposed to go, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.

"That's right. That's right."

And then he goes, "But full disclosure,

"I've never been a trash can, so this is purely speculation."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You guys think the country is getting dumber?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Pretty much, right?

I'm usually convinced that it is.

But then, every now, I think it's something like,

well, maybe, maybe not in every way.

Because when I was a kid, pretty much the entire country thought wrestling was real.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like, we've come a really long way from that, you know,

When I was a kid, people would be like,

"You can't beat the Undertaker. He's not even alive."

He'd be like, "Well, that's a great point, actually, yeah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can't beat the undead.

I do... I do. I think we're getting dumber.

I also think, like, we're becoming bullies,

like, so, like, you aren't even allowed to watch the TV shows you wanna watch.

People try to force their TV show on you.

Do you know how many people have, like, tried to make me watch Ozark?

And now I just can't watch out of principle.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because so many people are like,

"You don't even fucking talk to me until you've seen it, all right?"

"Lock yourself in your basement with a can of beans, and don't come out till..."

It's like, why do you care what I watch?

So, I just started giving a stock recommendation back.

And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll watch Ozark, uh,

"you got to watch this, so, I just... Just binged the whole thing."

"It's great. It's called Wheel of Fortune."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They're like, "Yeah, I've seen Wheel of Fortune."

I'm like, "No, you've got to start from Season 1, all right?"

"Otherwise, you're not gonna get it, all right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You'll follow it, but you won't get it."

"And if you don't start from the beginning,

"you'll miss that season where Sajak refuses to sell vowels, okay?"

"People try to buy them, and he's like, I'm not selling them shits."

I'm... I'm not into social media.

I mean, I'm on it, but I don't... [SPUTTERS] Instagram is fine.

Yelp drives me... Yelp is hilarious.

The fact that that we've decided that we're all experts on everything, it's...

There's a one-star review for the Grand Canyon that I saw.

I mean, everyone's allowed to have opinions,

but a one-star review for the Grand Canyon,

you can just say, "Well, that's a stupid opinion."

Here's what the review said. The whole thing just said, "It's all outside."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you know how dumb you have to be

to see the Grand Canyon and your take away is, "That shit needs a roof."

- Like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was in Montreal, uh, doing shows.

I come out of my hotel, and across the street from my hotel,

two different places say "Nuru" on them.

N-U-R-U in these fluorescent lights.

I'm like, "What is this?" I google it.

Turns out it's this thing where a "massage therapist"

covers herself in oil, like a sexy oil,

like a 10W-40, like a, you know what I mean,

not that canola bullshit,

and she just slides all over you for an hour, right?

So I put "massage therapists" in quotes because she's more of a hero.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I was like, "Let's just see what the community is saying about this place."

I open up Yelp, the first thing I see is a one-star review.

Do you know how little pride you have to have

to leave a one-star review for a woman covered in oil sliding all over you,

for your family, friends, coworkers to see... Your name is on it.

Anyone can search reviews.

And this guy, Randall Danby from Denver...

He put his name out there, I will too.

His review just said "Her heart wasn't in it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like he thought it was gonna be her passion project or something.

It's like, Randall, as a general rule,

no woman wants to rub her naked body on a man who writes Yelp reviews.

Facebook's the worst.

I can't stay on Facebook, because it's...

You know, if you ever notice how people use it to make tragedies about themselves.

Every time.

Anything around the world, like, there could be a mudslide in Malaysia,

and people you went to middle school with will mark themselves safe.

Like as if you saw the news, and you're like, "I hope Glenn didn't perish in the mud."

7000 miles from where he's ever been.

And then you look at the comments

and everyone's just trying to one up each other.

Like, "Oh, yeah, I was actually supposed to be there too, uh, where the mud was sliding.

"Except that I never made plans to go

"and to be honest, I'm not even sure what part of Florida Malaysia is in, but..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...aside from that, this is about me, okay?"

Someone did this to me in real life, too.

Okay... So offensive.

The guy, uh, he asked me when I moved to L.A.,

and then I asked him when he did, and he just goes,

"It was actually, um, the day after Katrina hit."

And I said, "Oh, man, I am so sorry."

And he goes, "Yeah, it was... It was a really tough time.

"For my family and everyone."

"I bet. So was your family okay?"

He was like, "Yeah, everyone, everyone made it out all right."

"So was the house okay?"

And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, the house made it just fine."

[SPORADIC LAUGHTER]

I said, "Great. Well, how far are you from the levees?"

- And he goes, "Oh, pretty far back." - [SPORADIC LAUGHTER]

I said, "How far?" And he goes, "I don't know.

"Two and a half, three thousand miles."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Did you say 'thousand'?"

He's like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm from Seattle."

"I've never even been to New Orleans."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Why did you bring up Katrina then?"

And he goes, "Well, I'm just referencing the date."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "No one knows the date of Katrina, man.

"If I didn't have that follow-up question,

"you would let me live my life thinking that the levees broke,

"and you just jumped on a raft and swam to L. A. in pursuit of your dreams.

"In reality, you're just a monster.

"It would be like if I told people, 'Oh, yeah, my cousin died September 11th.'

"You're like, 'Oh, no, I am so sorry.

'In one of the towers, or the Pentagon?'

"I'm like, 'No, he choked on a tuna melt in Dayton, actually.'

"But never forget, that's what we say about him.

"Because it was also in a Quiznos, so double never forget."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - [LAUGHS]

My favorite job I ever had when I was in college,

I worked for what, in retrospect, was probably a drug front.

I'm pretty sure it was. So officially it was a decking company,

but my department, we did set up appointments for estimates.

And we got paid like $25, $30 an hour for that.

So that's shady on its face.

The other thing about it was, half the people were college students.

Half were, like, fresh out of prison.

- Like... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One day out, our boss was on a work release program.

He had nine felonies and went by 'Felony Freddy,' okay?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Freddie wanted everyone to drop out of college.

He would mock us for going to school.

My friend John was a business major,

and he had his book out on the table in our meeting before he went out.

Freddy just goes up to me and goes, "You don't need that shit."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Yeah, I do.

He goes, "I didn't even finish high school, look at me."

John was like, "Yeah, that's my point too." Like...

"Yeah." [LAUGHS]

And Freddy goes, "Give me any vocab word."

I was like, when's the last time you heard an adult say "vocab word"?

And John's like, "All right, well, what does this mean?"

Fred's answer is way off and John tells him,

and Fred goes, "Maybe in your book.

"But that's not how it is in the real world, all right?

"I didn't finish school, and I'm still your boss. So fuck your book."

And he takes the book, throws it at the wall.

And then he turns around and goes, "You're fired."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

John's like, "For what?"

And then Fred goes, "I rethought it.

"And now you're hired because life is about second chances."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One day I'm in the passenger seat and this guy, uh, Marcus is driving.

I went to school with him. I never... I never met him before this day,

Never been in a van with him.

We're driving down the interstate. He just slams on the brakes.

Middle of the highway. Complete stop. Everyone's swerving around us.

Everyone's freaking out in the van, like, "What's going on? Marcus, What's going on?"

He's just like, "Oh, nothing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Can you pull over to the side of the road?"

He was like, "Do you think I should?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Absolutely. I think that's... Yes." He goes, "Okay.

Slowly pulls over, right? All right, get out of the van.

I call Freddie. I was like, "Fred, we're on 95. Marcus just slams on the brakes."

Freddy goes, "Yeah, that's gonna happen from time to time."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Why would that happen from time to time?"

And he goes, "Well, he has seizures."

I said, "Why is he driving?"

"Is he allowed to drive?"

And Freddy goes, "Well, not according to the government."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But I play by my own rules, as you know."

And I said, "But why is he driving?"

And he goes, "Dude, when he's on, he's fucking on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "What does that even mean?"

We're driving a minivan through the suburbs.

Not shooting a Jason Statham movie.

And then he goes, "Dude, he's top three in the state in hitting green lights."

I'm like, "That's not a real stat. No one measures that.

"How stupid do you think I am?"

We were with this other guy, uh, this guy, Chris from Denver.

He was the dumbest man on the planet. He was... He was a white guy.

Everyone knows this type of guy.

He was this white guy who just wanted the Black guys who worked there to think he was cool.

Everything he did in his life was to make the Black guys who worked there think he was cool.

He would try to freestyle in the van constantly.

It was the most uncomfortable shit I've ever been near.

One day... One day he just turns down the radio.

Everyone rolls their eyes, like, "This shit again."

And he just goes, "Trees and shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "That's all I've got for now, all right?" And just turns it back up.

It's like, Chris, do you not have a filter in your brain,

or did "trees and shit" get to the filter,

and your brain was like, "Let it through, let it through."

Let the world know about "trees and shit."

[LAUGHS]

The most uncomfortable thing he did.

One day he pulls out a photo of a baby, all right?

And we're like, "Who is that?"

And he goes, "That's my son."

We're like, "Well, that's not good for the planet, but all right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "How old is he?"

And then he goes, this is a direct quote,

he goes, "My girl shit him out last month."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's the most revolting sentence in the English language.

I wish I did not know how old his son was.

I did not want to hear that sentence, but I do you want to think

that that's how he thinks it works.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's not even the uncomfortable part.

This was the uncomfortable part.

Someone said, "What's his name?"

He locks eyes with every Black dude in the room, just one at a time.

And he goes, "Justice."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "I get it, I get it."

Yeah, this is Justice.

It's like, man, you were trying way too hard.

You can't be a white guy and name your kid Justice.

That would be like if I was like "Yeah, this is my son Brown v. the Board of Education."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah."

"No, it's not his full name.

"His middle name is Montgomery bus boycott.

"We call him Monty.

"Please like me." You're just trying way too hard.

Also, a white guy named Justice does not sound like an ally.

It sounds like a renegade sheriff.

With a show on TNT.

"Justice is part of the problem.

"This fall."

[LAUGHS]

It's everyone's first day.

You're trying to get a read for him, like, "So listen, is this guy in school?

"He just get out of prison?

"What? What's your deal?"

If you look for obvious signs like types of tattoos, like I'd be like

"Oh, teardrop tattoo... Art student."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I was horrible at it.

One day I'm driving this guy.

Calvin is in the car with me, and I'm thinking he's in school,

just based on everything about him and so I was like, "What'd you do before this?"

And he's like, "Tsk. I haven't worked in a minute."

I was like, "What have you been doing?"

He was like, "Well, I was in the pen for four years."

But because I saw him as a student, when he said "the pen."

Instead of hearing "penitentiary,"

my brain translated to "University of Pennsylvania."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I go, "Oh, man, my uncle went there too."

He's like, "For real?" And I was like, "Yeah, what did you major in?"

And then he goes, "attempted murder."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Oh, shit. My uncle was public policy.

"Things have changed.

"Things have changed."

And we we became pretty friendly, and I found out what he did,

and it was, uh, hilarious the way I reacted to it,

because...

There was a pawn shop across the street of my high school.

There was an incident there.

When I was in high school,

and it turned my school into lockdown for six hours.

So then when I found out that he was responsible for it,

- I was just like, "That was you?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I can't believe I'm hanging out with you right now."

Like, like, I turned into a Manson woman, like, I'm just in the cult.

Like every time he got out of the van,

I was just calling up people from high school.

Like, "Do you remember the pawnshop shooting?"

They're like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Guess who I'm hanging out with right now?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They were like, "Get out of the van, dude." I'm like, "No, you just don't understand

"people like me and Calvin. We're different."

[LAUGHS]

That's true.

I got one more story for you.

So nothing ever felt dangerous...

The most dangerous things that's ever happened to me, at work,

I was performing at a club,

and as soon as I got introduced, I grabbed the mic

and the fire alarm just starts blasting.

All right. Just... No one from the club

is acting like there's a fire alarm going off.

So I told the crowd, "Hey, don't worry, guys,

"this is just a drill," which is absurd.

Why would there be like a middle school fire drill

in the middle of your show?

Also where the policy is, "Just ignore it. Let it ruin your night."

But the crowd was like, "Well, he has the microphone.

"He wouldn't lie to us, would he?"

So I just keep performing.

I think it's gonna go off for a couple of minutes.

It went off for 45 minutes.

At the end of that time, I go in the green room.

The managers in there are really nervous-looking and I was like,

"What's going on? Is there a wiring issue?"

And he goes, "No, dude, we got a big ass fire."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "What do you mean, you have a fire?"

Like, I said, "Why didn't you get me off stage?"

And he goes, "Yeah, that's what the fire department's been saying, too."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "I didn't even know you could tell the fire department

"'No', like... you know, we, we'll, we'll blow on it.

"We got it. We got it."

I was like, "Seriously, why didn't you get me off stage?"

And he goes, "To tell you the truth, I was about to get you off stage.

"Then I saw how much fun you were having.

"And I decided that's how you'd want to go."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Really, man, I've known you for an hour,

"and you think you can make end of life decisions for me.

"Also fuck you for thinking this is the peak of my life."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Easily the worst show I'd ever done.

And he's like, "Just let him go.

"His family will understand. He went out on top."

It's like I wouldn't mind if I died on stage in my 90s of a heart attack.

I don't wanna die when I'm 40, because someone forgot

to take the chicken tenders out.

Little less of a hero story.

So then after the show, I'm in the bar area

and this woman comes up, she's talking to me.

And the conversation was already awkward.

Because when she came up to shake my hand, I'd just come out of the bathroom.

And my hands were wet.

And so as soon as our hands touched, she gave me that,

like, "You nasty motherfucker" look.

Which... Come on, let's all grow up.

We know what's happening there.

It's one of those bathrooms with the hand dryers.

This... It's a slow trickle of cool air

like it feels like an old man is whispering into your hands.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like I don't have time to dry my hands with secrets, like...

I got a life to live, so I walk out, shake hands... Like...

She acts like I was actually in the bathroom, like,

"Can't wait to shake me some hands."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Like...

Like anyone has ever done that.

So five minutes into an already awkward conversation,

she goes, "Where'd you go to college?"

I said, "George Mason."

She put her thumb down in my face and just starts going,

"Boo!"

It was like I went to George Mason.

I don't even have an opinion on it.

Like, "Why are you doing that?"

And she just goes, "I went to Florida."

I've got no idea what that means, right?

She may as well have said "I like pop tarts,"

like, there's, there's, there's no connection.

And then she goes, "We beat you in the Final Four."

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

It's like, "First of all, neither of us played in that game. All right?

"Like I know I didn't, and I think I would remember

"if a 5-foot-2 woman played in the men's Final Four."

So then she gets defensive and she was like... She's like, "Well, you know.

"The University of Florida is known as the Harvard of Florida."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "No one has ever said that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No one's ever even thought that."

It's also a very weird way to brag.

That's like saying, "Did you know that pizza rolls

"are the lobster of the frozen food section?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like, I'll give you that, but it's a very low ceiling, very low.

[CHUCKLES]

Also, the thing is, it's like the game was 15 years ago.

It's a borderline historical event... That...

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - That would be like if every time

I met a British guy, I'm just like, "Boo."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "What's that for?"

Like, the events of Braveheart.

Okay?

Then she asked me if I went to grad school anywhere, and I got to lay it on her.

I was like, "Yeah, I actually went to Harvard," which is not true at all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just wanted to be able to say, "Or, as we called it,

- "the Florida of Massachusetts." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right. Thank you so much, guys.

You've been an awesome crowd.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You've been wonderful.

I really appreciate it.

I can't thank you enough.

Have a great night. Thank you.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[IMPERCEPTIBLE]