Original subtitles

- Lorie?

Lorie.

11:30.

Shit.

Shit.

Goddamn it.

- Stop.

Pick up.

Have a good day.

- Knock knock.

- Hey.

- Where's the gift table?

- Just put it in the living room with the others.

Thanks.

- Thanks a lot.

- Goddammit.

Hello?

Hello?

I need a pi�ata.

- We sell pi�atas.

- Yes, I know.

Which, which is the most popular?

- Popular?

I don't know.

That one?

- Never mind.

Just give me that one, and that one.

And do you sell a classic donkey one?

- I don't think so.

- Wait, wait.

See, there.

Right there.

Right down on the shelf.

- I think this one is already sold.

- Christ.

Here, here.

Here's 20 bucks.

- It says don't sell.

- Yes.

And that is why I am bribing you.

- So let me get this straight.

You want three pi�atas?

- No.

I don't want three pi�atas.

I have absolutely no use for three pi�atas.

But what I do want is a happy wife

who has no idea that yet again I was not listening to her,

and that yet again,

and contrary to what I said on the phone,

I was not writing this shit down.

Satisfied, Detective Stabler?

- Mom, do you want to give yourself a coronary?

Just let me help with something.

- I'm doing fine.

Just grab the pitcher and cups for me.

Is the gift table--

- Gift table is all set up, yes.

Where's dad?

- It sounds like he just got home.

- I'm back!

We know!

- What can I do, Mrs. Goodman?

- Uh...

What's all that?

- You weren't answering the phone, so I just grabbed a few--

- I told you what to get before you left.

Didn't you write it down?

- I--

- You know what, we'll just let Luke

pick out which one he wants.

He'll like that.

- I think you did a great job, Mr. Goodman.

- And we will take these outside.

Rosetta.

Could you please try and not

break up my parent's marriage while you're in town?

- Come on, don't tell me you haven't thought

about nailing an older guy.

- I have not.

- So...

- So...

- Have you told your parents

you don't want to go with them to the Dells?

- Not yet.

- They leave tomorrow morning.

- I know.

I'll do it tonight.

My dad is going to throw a fit.

- He'll get over it.

Which friend is Scott bringing over tomorrow?

- I think his friend from work, Chad.

- Chad.

Does Chad have a big cock?

Mama needs to eat.

- I don't know, I'll ask Scott.

Ew.

- These guys are always coming in from the alley.

Hey!

Hey, uh-uh.

Get out!

- I'm here for the party.

- Oh yeah?

- I was invited.

- By who?

- I'm here for the party.

I brought a gift.

- I'm gonna call the cops.

- Can I have some cake?

Okay.

Okay.

Just tell the birthday boy happy birthday for me.

Give him that.

- Hey, weirdo!

What are you doing?

- It's nice to have a friend.

- Well now I feel like a jerk.

- Don't.

He's just trying to make you feel bad,

and you fall for that kind of shit.

- Okay!

Who is ready to break open the pi�atas?

- Now, come over here, son.

Now go ahead.

Make your choice.

- No.

No.

No.

This one!

- We have a winner!

- Another birthday in the books.

- I don't know how you do these, mom.

- You had just as many.

- I know, and they all annoyed me.

- Wait until you have your own kids.

- So, Linds, you all packed up?

- Um...

Yeah, about that.

- What do you mean, about that?

- I just...

I kinda want to stay home.

- Why?

- Because it's Thanksgiving break,

and I just want to relax.

- It's the Wisconsin Dells!

- I know but...

I just wanted to relax in my own home.

- Our home.

The one that you're probably going to have a party in.

- Dad...

I'm not a moron--

- And I'm not in high school.

I can make my own decisions.

If she's not going, I'm not going.

You're going!

- Do whatever you want.

- Any problem?

- I got it covered.

Figured it out.

So, did you find the.

- Yes.

And he confirmed my fears,

but he did gave me the knowledge to rectify the situation.

- Now, can you tell me?

Can you tell me about the supposed evil that walks among us?

In due time.

- Have I not earned it?

You can trust me.

Tell me.

Tell me about this evil that walks among us?

Tell her your I will be late for dinner, okay?

I will close the store properly,

and then I will take care of this problem.

- This is not for young man.

- What?

- I sold it.

- When did you sell it?

- Friday.

- To who?

- It was some white guy.

He even wanted three of them

because he was scared of his wife.

- Bring me the receipts from that day.

All of them.

We may still be able to save them.

- Dad, do you have a second?

I'm sorry if I upset you earlier.

- Nah, it's okay.

I get it.

I was the same when I was your age.

I just miss you, that's all.

You're the baby of the family.

- Luke is the baby of the family.

- Luke was a mistake.

He's not even supposed to be here.

- Dad.

Let's go!

- Have some fun.

Keep her in one piece for me, huh?

- Have fun!

What are you doing over here?

So who's all coming?

- You, me, and Rosetta.

- Rosetta.

I like that.

What's her story?

- I don't know.

Lindsey met her at college.

- Nice.

And maybe we can get them to do some lesbo shit.

Unless your girl is not into that.

- Actually, she's not my girl.

Lindsey wanted to take a break.

- Ah, a little dick vacation, that's what that is.

- No, she's not like that.

Seriously, I mean...

Every time I, you know, want to take it to the next base,

she just...

I don't know.

She's a prude,

- What do you want?

- Anything cheap.

I don't care.

But like seriously it's like,

you know, when I want to take it to the next level

she's just never into it.

- She took a dick vacation and that's your fault.

You need to be aggressive.

Show you're the man.

She's being all shy?

Take your dick out and put it in her hands.

- Did you just make that shit up?

- No, I saw it in some movie once.

But it fucking works, bro.

In this world, you're either Uncle Jessie or Uncle Joey.

Uncle Jessie puts it in her hands.

- Okay.

I'm putting it in her hands.

- Jay, what is going on with all these pi�atas?

- Well, Vicky and I were talking about it

and we thought we would make it into a competition.

And see who breaks open the first pi�ata.

- Like pi�ata hunting?

- Something like that.

Except, I thought there was going to be three pi�atas.

- Jay, can I have your help in the house?

I need your help.

- Here, I'll go.

I could use a piss and a beer.

- Hi, sweetie.

Where is the donkey?

- I don't know where the donkey is.

- You lie!

- Why would I lie about that?

There's three!

There's three!

- Stop!

Stop!

Stop it!

- What the hell is going on out here?

- Nope.

- Just don't embarrass me tonight, okay Marty?

- Martin.

You act like I've never been out of the house before.

- You act like you've never been out of the house before!

- I have friends, you know.

- Yeah?

Where are they tonight?

Hey darling.

- Hey.

Hi.

Rosetta's cousin!

- Marty.

- It's Martin, remember?

How you been?

- Good.

I haven't seen you.

- Since that rocking party we had, remember?

Such a great time.

- We drink beers in the dorm room.

- Yeah.

- So good to see you.

And I can make sure she gets home okay.

Or she can stay with me or whatever.

- Unfortunately, Marty lent me $400 last Christmas so,

he's now cashing in that favor.

- Oh, well...

My parents they really didn't want this

to be like some big thing.

So it's...

- Come on, you guys.

I mean, I'm just one person.

Like it even matters.

- Okay.

Okay.

Come in.

- I really like your place.

- Welcome.

You have got to get your creepy cousin out of here.

- Don't worry about it.

When the guys get here and we start pairing off,

he'll get the hint.

- Pairing off?

- What the hell else do you think

we're going to do when the booze hits?

- Scott and I are still on our

vacation.

- Dick vacation?

- No, not a dick vacation.

- Sure.

- Ex-sex,

even better.

Room in the freezer?

On the plus side,

Marty will be subsidizing some of the night's booze.

I didn't realized you and the boyfriend

were still taking a break.

We can ditch this plan if you want.

- That's okay.

I'll have to deal with it at some point.

Duty calls.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

This is Rosetta's cousin, Marty.

- Martin.

Hi.

- Hey!

Do you mind hanging this up for me?

- Sorry.

I should have done this earlier.

- It's okay, I can do that.

- Just give me the beer.

- So, how's school?

- Shitty.

- Hey, who's birthday?

- Luke's

- Hey, where's that Captain Tranny pi�ata?

- Captain Tranny?

- It's just Captain America.

It's just a weird looking Captain America.

- You guys had pi�atas?

I want to hit a pi�ata.

- They're in the garage.

- Oh, man.

Look at this beauty.

Scott, five bucks says

I can knock this guy out with one swing.

- Yeah, I bet you probably could.

I mean I bet you five bucks you blow it

and I do your job for you.

- Tight enough?

- We'll find out when I hit it.

- Guys.

- Let me hit.

Let me take a swing.

It's dumb.

I know it's supposed to be dumb.

- Marty, can you go on a beer run?

- I just got here.

- We all just got here.

But if we wait to go get more beer,

we'll all be drunk.

I don't want you driving drunk, Marty.

I care about you.

- Lindsey?

Why won't you come with me?

- Uh...

- What?

Come on.

We can talk about old times.

- Marty, don't be a fucking pussy!

You need a babysitter to go get a case of beer?

- No, I don't need a babysitter.

Just someone to help me carry it.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realized a case of beer was so heavy.

Don't trouble yourself.

Come on, Lindsey, let's go on a beer run.

- I only meant--

- No, no, let's all go!

Because we need at least four people

to pick up a case of beer.

- But...

- No, no.

Not you, Martin.

You stay here.

I wouldn't want you to throw your back out.

You stay here.

Relax.

Enjoy yourself.

We'll be back.

- Why was leaving a stranger in my house a good idea?

- Cause he's get all weepy,

and call my aunt, and take off.

Trust me, his feeling are all hurt.

He won't be here when we get back.

- Ooh.

Yeah, it's full.

Hey, mom.

No, it's me.

These gosh darn fracking chips are so good.

Oh my God.

- Cake.

Can I have that cake now, oh human being?

Candy!

I like candy.

Do you have any strawberry ones?

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you, kind sir.

- Hello?

You can...

You can come in.

Real funny.

Douchebags.

You're not a pussy.

You're not a pussy.

You're a man.

Man.

Just like mom said,

"Just go inside the house, Martin.

"Just go inside

"the house".

Okay.

Okay.

Just some tools.

Don't be a pussy.

Clean up the tools.

Just clean up the tools.

The tools.

Tools.

Just take my wallet.

Please.

No.

No.

Just take my wallet.

Please, oh no, oh no.

No, no.

Please just take my wallet.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care, just...

No, oh no, oh no, oh no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

No.

No.

No, no, no.

No, no.

- Hope you like ice beers, my man.

- Who are you talking to?

- Your cousin, person.

- Oh, right, Marty.

Marty!

Could we be so lucky?

Hopefully.

- Shut up!

He could still be here.

Marty!

- Maybe he's out back?

- Marty!

Martin!

You calling your prostitute again, weirdo?

Everybody knows she only hangs out with you

because the check clears!

I think he bounced,

but another guest joined the party.

- Oh, we're getting a donkey show?

- Yep, start sucking his dick.

- Whoo!

I'm gonna pin a tail on that ass!

- Oh, come on!

Show a little respect!

- So, we all know how the game is played, right?

Everyone draws a card, each card has different meaning.

- What were the meanings?

What, like, five is social...

- Five is guys, six is chicks--

- No, six is dicks, I thought.

What--

- Who gives a fuck?

Ladies choice, huh?

What do the cards mean?

- Two is you, so the whoever picks the card

picks two people to drink.

Okay.

- Three is me, so whoever picks it drinks.

- Four.

- Four is supposed to be whore,

to signify the womenfolk to drink.

But fuck them, you know?

Four is going to be assign four drinks.

Anyone you like.

Five guys, six is chick.

- Chicks.

Okay.

- Seven is um...

- Seven is heaven.

Cups to the sky, last to raise, drinks.

- Okay.

Eight is rule.

Whoever draws that card makes new a rule.

Nine...

Bust a rhyme.

- Ten is category.

- Jack, never have I ever.

- Queen, ask a question, answer with a question.

And king--

- Into the giant cup.

- Okay.

- Never have I ever.

Never have I ever

had my dick sucked.

- That's not fair.

Every guy has had his, you know...

- I hate this game.

- Never have I ever kissed a girl.

- Finally!

- And on that note,

I think we're out of beer.

- Ever heard this song before?

- Nope.

- I like it.

- It's pretty good.

- Mmm.

Feels so good after sitting on that floor.

- The couch is more comfortable.

- I'm done with sitting.

I want to move.

- I think I can handle getting some beers.

- Can you handle not being a bitch for two seconds?

- Scott.

I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm going through a whole host of things right now and I'm

trying to process.

You know when they say, It's not you, it's me, well,

that is very true in this case.

- What, is it another guy?

I don't want to know.

Just know that I'm here for you for anything.

- I know.

I know.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What?

I thought you wanted me to be more aggressive.

- No.

- Okay.

You know what?

I'm just going to go, okay?

They're about to screw in the living room

and it's just weird.

- No.

I care about you.

I want us to try to be friends, okay?

Can we do that?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

- Okay.

- So, you want to watch a movie or something?

- A movie?

- Yeah, we could like smoke pot, watch a dumb movie.

Hang out like friends.

- I have some pot.

But I think the living room is occupied.

- Yeah, right.

Do you have a TV a little farther away?

- I have my laptop in the bedroom.

- Great, that works.

- Scott.

- Linds, you're the one that said you wanted to hang out.

- Not that.

I just don't want you to confuse the situation.

- It's just a movie, Linds.

- Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm being a weirdo.

- Listen, you have the opportunity to be with me tonight.

Don't fuck it up.

- Do you like toys?

- Besides that one?

Lead the way.

Whose room is this?

- Guest room.

You're my guest.

- They're definitely going to have to wash those sheets.

- Ah!

You have a pretty high opinion of yourself, don't you?

- Don't sell yourself short.

If it wasn't for me,

you'd be the most attractive person here.

- Pick a hand.

- Left.

Ooh, you dirty girl.

- I'll be right back.

- What are you putting on?

- It's called The Caretakers.

It's about this vampire, a half-breed vampire

and they both have apprentices and...

Ohh.

- Who's ready to get all Gary Busey up in here?

- Oh, that's cute.

They aren't for me, daddy.

- Gosh, what is he doing to her?

- I don't know.

- Turn it up.

I don't want to hear this.

- Are you going to be a good girl?

I have to ground you.

- I'll be a good girl, daddy.

I want to go back to the church choir.

- Oh yeah.

What do you want to sing?

I want to sing in a choir.

- What are you going to sing?

Hallelujah?

- Yes, yes!

- I'll sing, Hallelujah!

- Oh my God, that feels good!

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I don't know what ever you're doing, it feels amazing!

- Oh my God!

How are you doing that?

- Doing what?

- Whatever you're doing to my ass.

No one's ever been up there like that.

- Wait, how are you in two places at once?

- I'm not.

- What?

- I'm not.

- There's something in the bed!

- No, no!

No!

- What a silly movie this is.

- Your friend is like calling you into her sex games.

- Is she?

- Are you into that?

- Not with Chad.

- Not with Chad?

- Maybe I should go check it out, you know?

Make sure everything is okay.

- You're just high.

- I'm going to go check it out.

- Rosetta?

Chad?

Is everything okay?

Are you sure?

Okay.

Goodnight.

Take me with you.

I can help you defeat this evil.

I must do this alone.

If they kill me, who will run the store?

- If they kill you, who will defeat this evil?

- I will kill it.

But I may sacrifice myself in the process.

I must go.

- Wait!

Take me home.

- Take the blue line.

- But it's late.

Gangs.

- Now you have the fear of death.

The death that you have inflicted on others.

Take the blue line.

Then go.

It's not too late for you, Jimmy.

Deep down, I think you're a really good guy.

- Emma?

Yes?

I think it's time we both went our separate ways.

Jennifer are you home?

Are they good?

They're the best there is.

- What are you doing?

What?

- What do you mean what?

What the fuck was that?

- I'm a man.

Don't I have needs?

- You're not my man!

Why can't you understand that?

- Because I care about you, Lindsey.

I wanna be with you.

- Tough shit.

It's not in the cards.

- Okay, then just be up front with me.

Why not me?

- It's not about you.

Or any other guy.

- Oh.

Oh!

Well then we should talk about it.

Slowly.

And in great detail.

- Rosetta was right.

People make me feel bad and I just always

- fall for it-- - Linds...

Scott, just go.

- You know, I've been trying to do that for an hour,

but someone was caught up on being friends.

- Way to be a typical guy, Scott.

- Oh yeah, typical guy.

Some schmuck who doesn't want

to be stuck in the friend zone.

- Don't forget your jacket...

Great.

Great.

Do you have a lighter?

Yeah, hold on.

Chad!

Rosetta!

Hello?

I think there's a flashlight in the kitchen.

- Did you hear that?

- I did.

- There it is again.

- Where are Chad and Rosetta?

- Who knows.

- Let's check the fuse box.

- Please tell me it's in the basement.

- It is in the basement.

- Awesome.

Did we leave that open?

- Maybe Rosetta when she came in?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- You think it's just them?

- No.

Is there another entrance in the basement?

No.

- Let's get those lights on.

Ooh.

Okay.

- Alright, we'll go out the back and call the police.

- And tell them what?

- Have them look around just in case.

There's something weird going on.

- I think the Chicago P.D. has better things to do

than placate a bunch of drunk college students.

- Okay, and what if there is something going on?

- Well, what if we're just of stoned?

- My scenario is the only one

that's going to guarantee us to get out of here alive.

- Okay, okay.

If you're right we're just run out the back door.

But let's go upstairs,

make sure our friends aren't messing with us

and go from there.

Deal?

- Yeah.

Okay.

I'll go first.

Just in case.

Linds, Linds, don't go in there.

- What?

What is it?

What is it?

- It's okay just...

It's okay, Lindsey.

We'll just go.

Come on.

- No, I can't!

No, I can't!

No, I can't!

We must trap him inside this house.

And I will perform the ceremony

of the ,

and send his cursed soul back to hell!

I am not your enemy,

but you will regret engaging me.

- Please let us go!

I am not the maniac!

The maniac is the pi�ata.

The most deadly of all pi�atas

in the.

Who lives for one reason.

For revenge.

A revenge than even he can't fully understand.

I am investigating.

Yes, this is...

This is his work.

- Can you please stop looking at her?

- La pi�ata.

La pi�ata was once a man.

A man like you.

He worked in a factory.

It was a pi�ata factory.

And he was.

His compadres like to make fun of him.

For some reason he was constantly ridiculed.

One night his colleagues they played a cruel trick on him.

Something went wrong.

He fell into the shredder.

The industrial shredder.

And his blood and his spirit

seeped into the materials of the pi�ata he once made.

- I do not understand a word of Spanish.

- I took a little in high school but...

Have you not heard a single word I had said?

We must trap la pi�ata.

I must perform the ceremony or the...

- Oh my God!

No.

Give it to him!

Give it to him!

- Are you okay?

- Scott!

- Linds, get out.

- Come on!

- Linds, please.

- Scott, let's go!

- Get out.

- Scott, let's go!

- Here.

Let me see your arm.

We're gonna have to get you to a hospital.

No, we have to kill that thing.

- What?

- We have to kill it or who knows

how many people it's going to keep killing.

And we can't go to the police even with a good story,

because they'll see the bodies and think that we did it.

They'll think it was us.

That thing will still be on the loose.

We have to go get it.

Think about your friends, Scott?

Chad and Rosetta and Marty?

- Who?

- The cousin.

- Oh.

Is he dead?

- I mean, I assume so.

I haven't seen him.

- Right.

Well, with that logic,

we're going to have to hide the bodies.

- What?

- Think about it.

Even if we do end up killing this thing,

there's no way the police are going to believe

that it was a killer pi�ata.

So, there's going to be bodies.

We're going to have to take those bodies and hide them.

And then their cellphones, what they ping

- or whatever-- - Scott...

- So we'll take their cellphones and the bodies...

Scott.

- We'll drive up Goose Island and throw them into the river

with the rest of the dead bodies.

And then we'll drive--

- Whoa, whoa, Scott, Scott!

One thing at a time, okay?

- You can't go back in there without any weapons.

Did you not see how crazy that thing was?

- Oh God, I wish we knew how to defeat it.

- With weapons.

- We don't have weapons, Scott.

- Then let's fucking make some.

- Wait.

- Uh...

The house is behind us, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Let's go kick its ass.

- I've never fired a gun before.

This could be a bad idea.

- How hard can it be?

- What if I accidentally shoot you or something?

- You should probably swap that out.

Hey...

If we do end up

you know on the losing end of this,

I'm happy it's next to you.

- Me too.

- We should probably do it.

- What?

- You know like it.

- No!

- What?

Do you want to both die virgins?

- God, speak for yourself.

Look, I need your head in the game, okay?

And if you're thinking about head,

then we are definitely going to die.

So focus!

You check the living room.

I'll check the bedrooms.

- Are you sure it's safe to split up?

- The house is not that big.

- All right, you brightly-colored son of a bitch.

- Scott!

- Go!

Go, go, go, go, get out!

It's gone.

- Where did it go?

Oh shit!

Ah!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

- All right.

Here.

You're okay.

Just, just hold on, Lindsey.

I got this.

Finally.

Fuck!

- Scott.

Scott!

Do you know what you are?

You're a toy.

A nobody.

Nothing but paper and glue, little man.

Do you know what you are?

You're fragile.

You may be a mean son of bitch.

But at the end of the day,

you're just a pi�ata!

And pi�atas were put on this Earth for one reason!

To get the shit beat of them.

- Help your mom with the bag, will you son?

- Where are you going?

- Just to check on the house.

We are very disappointed in you, young lady.

Dad, can we talk about this later?

- I told you she was going to have a party, Gwen.

- Is that your ear?

- Luke, go in the other room, please.

- But mom--

I said go in the other room.

- Are these people dead?

- Obviously, you're going to have to pay for the cleaning.

Disposing of the bodies.

- Disposing of the bodies?

- David, what do you think we're going to do with them?

Call the police?

- And tell them what?

That a killer pi�ata...

Murdered a bunch of kids?

Good luck with that.

All right.

Linds, I'm going to get this ear back on,

then we're going to burn your friends

and toss their belongings into the Chicago River.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Good.

Where's my...

David!

- What, what?

I'm just trying to figure out

what we're going to do here.

It's just so tragic.