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Downloaded from YTS.MX

(upbeat percussion music)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(applauding and cheering)

- Okay.

Our next guest is a strange and funny comedian

and he certainly is strange and also very funny.

(audience laughs)

- [Regis] I went to see your favorite comedian

in the world last night.

- Of course you went to see--

- [Both] Gilbert Gottfried.

- Yes, has anybody seen Gilbert?

(audience laughs)

- He's been doing standup since the 1970s

and was named the Comedian's Comedian by Vanity Fair.

- [Man] Have you heard that before about him

being called the comic's comic?

- He is, he is.

He's in a completely different level

than everybody else doing comedy. I think.

- [Arsenio] Hey, you gonna be nice tonight, man?

'Cause I'm not gonna book you no more if you're not.

- I'm sorry, I can't.

(audience cheers) I'm sorry, I'll go back.

Pretend you didn't see me.

- Okay.

- When he introduces, pretend this never happened.

- Now go back.

- And film it. - Go back there!

- What is your dream? - My dream,

it usually involves a midget.

- Not that dream. - Yes.

- The one when you're awake and you think of your career.

- Okay, all right.

Then it's five midgets.

(audience laughs)

- If the Catskills were located in the Twilight Zone,

Gilbert Gottfried would appear there nightly.

- [Man] Jackie Gleason in Casablanca.

- You're getting on that plane with Vic Laszlo

and I know that you know that I know

that you're getting on that plane.

- Gottfried is a standup comic who has appeared

in a number of films

and he always seems to play an obnoxious creep.

- No no no!

Bitch!

- But my dad says third grade is--

- Your dad is a moron!

- Look at this, I'm so ticked off that I'm molting.

- You are singlehandedly responsible

for creating the position of full-time

censor of the Emmys.

- I sleep a lot better since Peewee Herman's

been arrested. (laughing)

Masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

(laughing)

- [Host] Remember this is a family show.

- Yes, I know, that's the first thing you told me.

- Yeah yeah.

- That's the first thing everyone tells me.

All of a sudden she goes please, honey, fuck me in the ass!

(gun fires)

This is a clean one.

(laughing)

- Now Gilbert. - Yes?

- [Regis] Not much is known about your personal life.

- And thank God for it.

(laughing)

- Gilbert! - Yes!

- What were you like as a kid? - What?

I was the same way, just smaller.

(laughing)

- You don't wanna talk about your love life huh?

- What, what, as soon as it happens I'll tell you

all about it. (laughing)

- [Man] Do you actually talk like that?

- Aflac!

- No, I usually have a strong Irish brogue.

You are a black man, are you not?

- Yeah.

- How do you know you're at a gay picnic?

All the hot dogs taste like shit.

(laughing)

- I think this is an act.

'Cause if you are genuine, you are a monster.

(laughing)

He is.

- [Howard] I heard something about Gilbert Gottfried. - [Man] Really?

- [Howard] Holy mackerel. - [Woman] What'd you hear?

- [Howard] Bring Gilbert in, I gotta talk to him.

- [Gilbert] Oi.

- Is it true what I've heard?

- [Woman] Are you married?

- [Howard] No, he's engaged.

- Oh, what?

- [Howard] Look at the pain in Gilbert.

- [Woman] Look at the face, look at the face!

- But here's the bigger news. - What?

- And tell me if it's true or not.

Are you having a baby?

- No no I'm just haven't been working out.

(laughing)

- [Howard] How did this happen?

- I don't know.

Boy this will take more than a radio show,

this'll take therapy.

- Gilbert you're really trying to keep your whole

private life, like you don't even want people

to know it exists, is that-- - Yes, yes.

- You still like to pretend-- - Yes, yeah.

- You're that guy we've known all along who has no one.

- Yeah.

- This really breaks your whole persona

because you're the guy who doesn't care--

- Yeah.

- [Howard] And now all of a sudden you do.

- Yeah this is horrible.

- So is that it, you're not gonna tell us

any of the story of how this all came to be?

(playful music)

- Oh man.

If the 25 year old Gilbert or even the, God,

any of the other Gilberts if they walked in here

would definitely be in the wrong apartment.

- Gilbert is very authentic on stage,

but he's a very sweet, rather shy person off stage.

So there's a natural curiosity what prompts that.

- He's quirky and he's different.

Every character flaw that doesn't work in life

works as a comedian.

- Does he talk like that?

If it's just the two of us and we're talking

and he gets ahold of something that's really funny

yeah, he does talk like that.

Is he in character for all of that?

No, but he's very, very hesitant to let down the guard.

- I think there's always a little surprise

that he became a dad.

(laughs)

And became a husband.

I think no one was more surprised than him.

- I had no idea, when I heard that there was a Dara,

I was actually curious what this person would look like.

- I was afraid to meet her because I said it's gonna be

the most emotionally damaged, I couldn't,

like a girl, I pictured a girl who was a deaf mute

who would never look up.

(gentle music)

- I'm glad you got dressed up.

- [Gilbert] Yes.

No one told me to get dressed up.

- Do you have shorts on underneath?

- Yes.

I still feel very uncomfortable going, you know, my wife.

Still feels weird.

My kids.

Still feels odd to say it.

'Cause it doesn't seem real to me.

- Oh, I'm Dara and I'm married to Gilbert.

I'm Dara and I'm Gilbert's wife.

- This is the first I've heard of it.

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, okay.

(laughing)

- He never had a girlfriend by the way.

He never had a relationship.

Then he ends up with a beautiful girl with two kids?

There's hope for everyone.

- Oh, come in.

- Oh, yeah.

- Nice to meet you.

I'm the mother.

(light music)

- Okay so this picture is a family picture from this year.

Max, Dara, Gilbert, and me.

- Max Gottfried. - Say nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- And this picture was from two years ago.

- [Neil] Who's that?

- It's the same people there.

(laughing)

It's the same people in this picture.

I already told you.

- He does, he tells jokes to people.

- And he sells books and movies.

- Yeah. - That what he does?

- And there's toys of him and stuffed animals of him.

- Um...

(laughing)

- Not really. - Not really, not really.

(laughing)

- Daddy.

Want some candy, you want the gummies Lily?

- I don't have gummies.

Love you.

- [Max] Quick Lily, love you Daddy, love you Daddy!

- Bye bye, bye, bye!

- Bye. - Bye.

- Quite often I look at my life

as a Twilight Zone episode like those episodes

where a guy wakes up and he's in this totally

different world, totally different life.

I wake up and I go what are these other clothes

hanging here and what's this weird apartment

where the furniture matches?

And they go why, you're married sir.

What so me and some woman live here?

Yes, you a woman and two children

that are your children sir.

(laughs)

I don't think I could have imagined it

and I wish I can enjoy things fully,

but I feel like I still haven't woken up

and said oh, this is my life.

(phone ringing)

Let me just see if this is Dara's.

(beeping)

Hello, hello?

- [Gilbert] Eventually, Neil's here.

- Uh yeah it means fuck you.

- Okay. (beeps)

(laughing)

- When I first met Gilbert--

- I did nothing but clean.

- There was nothing dirty in his act.

He would not say one dirty word in his act.

For a long time.

It wasn't until The Aristocrats, right?

- Maybe.

- You were like adamant about staying clean.

- Yeah.

- You were the complete opposite.

- I was like Art Linkletter they used to compare me to.

- No 'cause you used to say that you thought

that it was easy to work dirty.

- Yeah.

Yeah like fuck and shit cunt and blowjob and dick and pussy.

Those words I never say.

- You never used to say that.

When we first started dating-- - Pussy.

- You were adamant about having a clean act.

- Pussy, pussy, dick, fuck you, fuck you you piece of shit.

- You didn't like it when people cursed in their act.

- Fuck you. - You didn't, you remember that?

- Curse in your fuckin' cunt, that's how I curse, fuck you.

- He wouldn't say any of that when we first started dating.

And he did yoga.

- Yeah.

(light music)

- You know it's hard to remember.

People ask me this a lot, was he funny?

And you know he was my brother so it's hard for me

to even remember like was there anything outstanding

about him?

Growing up I can't say he was like unusually funny

or anything like that.

He used to do impressions, but that was a bit later on

when he was more like a teenager.

- He has a natural sense of humor but I just remember him

as kind of I would say he was shy and quiet.

- The only really thing that I remember was that the

first night when we went to the Blarney Stone

and they had an open mic and I remembered how

I was impressed with his comedy.

- He was so young, my goodness.

He went up and he was doing some jokes

and I remember distinctly someone said, "Shut up!"

- It was still funny you know.

And he got to the point where he was a performer.

Gilbert was waving before, he got recognized

in the airport and now he doesn't want to be on

the video tape.

- He's camera shy.

People assume that he's his stage character all the time.

That's the furthest thing from the truth.

He wants to be as the character he likes that

but he doesn't want to be himself on the videotape.

- [Arlene] And it's different, if you're gonna pay the guy

a million bucks he'll put on the act but if you're not,

he ain't gonna do it. (laughing)

- [Karen] I don't want that act.

He doesn't want to be on the camera

unless he's doing the act.

- Yeah, I'm scared they won't like what they see

or whatever they like about me, whatever they're

entertained by they might not...

But it's always the case, it's like from the Wizard of Oz.

Don't look at that man behind the curtain.

You don't know how they're react to you after that.

- Who are you?

- I am the great and powerful wizard of Oz.

- You are?

I don't believe you!

(upbeat music)

- Our guest this week is an actor, author,

voice over artist, and one of the most successful

and popular stand up comedians in the world.

A man far too important and busy to be caught dead

appearing on this show, our pal Jim Gaffigan.

- Oh thank you, thank you for having me.

This is an honor, Gilbert.

- Yes.

- This is cool that we're doing this

at the Friar's too right?

- Oh yeah.

Now let's talk about your first special.

- Okay.

- Bitches be suckin' my dick.

(laughing)

- I'm known as a clean comic.

This is different than I thought it was going to be.

He was much different.

I didn't understand this.

- And now you actually love doing stand up.

- I do love it.

Don't you feel great after a set or do you feel,

are you somebody who never feels good after a set?

- Well my fantasy right before I'm about to go on stage

is that the manager is gonna come back stage

and go there was like a fire or a flood--

- Oh that's interesting.

- Here's your check, go home.

- Yeah, that's, I just feel as though stand up

can cure me of life's afflictions.

So if I'm sad it can change my mood.

If I'm overly confident it kind of balances me out.

Like I always think it's strange when people are like

can you believe Seinfeld's doing stand up?

I'm like he doesn't have a choice everyone.

- Yeah.

- It's like once you're a comedian,

you have that heroin in your system.

It doesn't, here we are at the Friar's.

There are 90 year old comedians that go up--

- Oh yeah.

- That can barely move and when they get on stage

they kind of light up.

- [Frank] Gilbert's one of them.

- Yes. (laughing)

- I called Dara recently and I said, "Where's Gilbert?"

And she goes he's on the road.

And I go where is he?

She goes San Antonio.

I said Gilbert Gottfried is alone in San Antonio right now.

I can't believe that.

I can't believe!

I said who's taking him to the club,

who's getting him in the hotel room,

who's opening his bag,

who's telling him where his toothbrush is?

I lost sleep over it.

(light music)

- Oh.

- He's on the road a lot.

He'll leave on a Wednesday or a Thursday,

maybe a gig that night, an early and a late show

on a Friday, an early and a late show on a Saturday,

fly back on Sunday or Monday.

You know it's a grind, it's tiring.

- Now I pack very neatly.

These are shorts, t-shirts, some script for something.

This is usually my flying shirt.

This piece of paper, probably something I don't need.

See this is why I should clean out this thing.

These are worn out socks I have

that I'll be wearing today.

Dara's idea was to at least put some of the stuff in bags.

This actually was a good idea.

- Is anybody talking about how notoriously cheap he is?

- [Neil] Little bit.

- Yeah, I've only heard the stories.

When he goes in for voiceovers and he like

empties all the mints into his fuckin' pockets.

- [Gilbert] Here's some peanut butter cookies

that I obviously got for free somewhere.

- I think he's the only guest that takes all the sodas

from the dressing room at the show.

I gotta take these with me.

- I imagine he wears cargo pants a lot.

(laughing)

- Oh the box, the two boxes.

This one's my DVDs.

The term is merch.

So they'll go hey you selling any merch?

Got any merch?

And so I bring merch.

- When you live in a three million dollar co-op

in New York City like Gilbert does yeah,

it's weird to sell your DVDs after your shows.

Especially when no one has a fuckin' DVD player anymore.

- He is one of the cheapest people in the world.

So Gilbert's going to kinda cut corners wherever he can.

(gentle music)

- You can't do that to yourself.

You can't.

That's how you end up getting shorter and shit, you just

keep yourself all cramped up in the back of the bus.

How the fuck does he ride a bus?

There's not people on there going is that Gilbert Gottfried?

(laughing)

Hey I wanna use the bathroom on the bus, I can't,

Gilbert Gottfried's in there.

- Is Gilbert Gottfried getting on the bus?

(laughing)

That's awesome, I'm such a Aladdin fan.

- Hey, hey how are you?

- Whenever I go to hotels I get my brush--

- Here you go darling, here you go sweetheart.

- Hey do you have underarm?

- Huh? - Underarm.

- Let me see if we have any here.

You know what?

Since you're such a sweetheart I'm giving this to you.

- Oh thank you.

- There you go.

- See?

Years in the business.

You get a free one ounce underarm.

(laughing)

Here we are at a torn up, beat up, dirty couch

and in a cluttered office and I'm sure the audience thinks

it's probably some palace back here.

Dangerfield had this line he always used to say.

No matter how big you are

you always enter through the kitchen.

(laughing)

And it's true.

It's like you're watching through the kitchen

being careful 'cause the floor's greasy and you go onstage

to the applause.

(applauding and cheering)

You know Michael Douglas said that he thinks

he may have gotten throat cancer from performing oral sex

on his wife.

I don't know.

I think cancer is a small price to pay

to lick Catherine Zeta-Jones's pussy.

(laughing)

(playful music)

I would take any strain of cancer

to lick Catherine Zeta-Jones's pussy.

You could give me Parkinson's disease

to lick Catherine Zeta-Jones's pussy.

You can give me a combination of polio and leprosy

to lick Catherine Zeta-Jones's pussy.

You can give me Lou Gehrig's disease.

You can give me a form of muscular dystrophy so powerful

that while I'm licking Catherine Zeta-Jones's pussy

Jerry Lewis pops out of it.

(laughing)

(mimicking Jerry Lewis)

Thank you, goodnight.

(cheering and applauding)

You wanna know what a big star does out on the road?

You know like say the Rolling Stones just did a big show

and then what happens next?

Well me, I soak my socks

and underwear in the sink.

I read somewhere that suds don't do a damn thing

in shampoos and soaps.

But people like suds.

You know you like shampooing and getting a lot of suds

or washing a bar of soap and seeing suds

and it doesn't do anything.

So here's my underwear and socks.

Dip them under quickly because it'll burn my fingers.

This is good hot water.

And there you go.

And then I watch TV or floss my teeth.

And I live the life of a celebrity.

(Max shouting)

- Max you gotta go out because I'm filming something.

You wanna help me put all this back?

- [Neil] Yeah.

- Oh my god.

- So Gilbert won't let me throw anything away.

He hoards everything.

He'll come home from a hotel with a bag of stuff like this.

Do you need any hotel slippers?

T-shirts, forget it.

He's got so many t-shirts, look at all these.

And then wait.

All the shirts I have under here and pants

and then the endless, endless supply of soaps,

every bed has buckets of these soaps and shampoos.

- [Neil] Holy shit.

(laughing)

- This is just one.

It keeps going.

Oh man.

You sure you don't need anything?

There's like so many.

Oh look, Lady Speed Stick, I'll use that.

When we moved from his old apartment he had

soap from PanAm and Eastern Airlines.

(laughing)

(gentle music)

So anyway I don't want him to be uncomfortable

so I store it under the bed.

(laughing)

- If he was here right now he'd be really embarrassed

'cause he gets really embarrassed when

So sorry Gilbert.

I used to work in the music business

and I was therefore at a Grammys party.

Gilbert was invited by a friend of his

and we were both standing in line at the food table.

He just, he looked kind of lost and sweet sweet sweet.

He asked for my phone number and then actually

only two days went by and he asked me out

for coffee and dessert.

He walked me home at the end of the night

and spent an hour telling me turtle jokes

and I thought this is the most bizarre date I've ever had

but I was so comfortable

and he was like no man that I had ever met before.

I know that he feels like he's in like

a Twilight Zone episode, but I don't know.

We seem to fit really well together.

- She's given his life this structure that I don't know.

Gilbert was the guy who was showing up in dirty clothes

when he was single and he didn't function very well.

And I think Dara was the perfect woman for him.

She's really strong, she gets him.

Once she fell in love with Gilbert

there was not gonna be anybody else.

I mean this is one of the most unique human beings alive.

- See this is kind of a waste of filming in a car

when we're at a light.

It just ruins the whole, oh, here we go, here we go.

This is exciting, eh?

- Hi I'm Dara. - Kevin.

- Kevin, nice to meet you.

(doorbell rings)

- [Arlene] Come in!

Good morning. - Good morning.

- You walked here? - Yeah.

We were gonna walk here.

- [Gilbert] Pretty much every day when I'm in town.

- Uh yeah I visit both my sisters.

- I guess. (laughing)

(easy music)

- My mother was very quiet so it was hard to know

exactly how she felt about it but I think she enjoyed it.

- [Lillian] You see how you can't stop?

That doesn't make sense.

(laughing)

- My grandmother, even more so than my mother,

I think was excited.

- My grandmother was always kidding around,

it was hilarious.

She loved a good laugh.

(laughing)

There's something in the DNA or whatever it is

'cause I think all of us had different creative gifts.

Back then I was always photographing family,

places that I liked to go.

Capturing moments.

This is my book, my first book.

Selwyn Rawls and the Eternal Light Community Singers,

a gospel choir of New York.

I joined them after a while.

- Yeah, it's like the power that drew me to photograph them

kept pulling me.

(gospel choir music)

I miss singing, I used to love it.

It's a great release and a great expression.

* I know

* Well lord are you standing

- What the fuck's going on?

This is supposed to be my documentary.

Jesus.

(playful music)

I grew up in Brooklyn.

- This is it. - Yeah.

- [Gilbert] Many years back I was a kid.

See few people know this, I've kept that a secret.

I remember--

- [Gilbert] Oh my god.

- [Arlene] You see that little sign up there in the middle,

that metal, it's a metal sign.

- [Gilbert] Oh my god, that!

- That's really the only memory

that's still alive and well is that little sign.

- [Gilbert] Wow.

Our father put that up there.

- He was a handyman and a very good one.

He thought Gilbert would make a good electrician.

- He was good.

He could like bang through a wall, rewire, plaster it.

I don't have any of that.

I can barely change a lightbulb.

- Uh, just that people say he looks like him the most.

(gentle music)

- This is the apartment we all grew up in.

- My father, he used to get very angry

about things about my brother.

He was worried that he wouldn't do well

or wouldn't have a trade.

Things like that.

- [Arlene] And why did that happen?

- Uh yeah, lot of memories being here.

Well I dropped out of high school

which was not a good thing.

I'm sure my father thought, you know,

he's the loser of the group.

- People always think like oh did you want

your parents' approval?

Well I guess you do, but I remember when my father

was alive there was no sign of success anywhere

in the future.

My dad died when he was 66.

I was 18 or 19.

- I think most comedians have that need to impress

their parents.

To me that's the saddest thing in the world,

your parents never seeing you being successful.

- I think we all have our own little private audience

that nobody else knows about that we want approval from.

And maybe we can't get it from them,

maybe they're not with us anymore,

and so what we're doing is substituting

the strangers giving us that approval.

- People want to say all the time that comedians

are damaged and that's why they go into comedy

or they're seeking approval, and yes, those things

are absolutely all true, but it's true for firemen

and teachers and plumbers, it's true for everybody.

And that's the reason why comedy works

is because everybody feels it.

- [Announcer] Please give a warm welcome

to the great Gilbert Gottfried.

(cheering and applauding)

(light jazzy music)

- I'll tell you what, in the late '70s and we first met

at the Improvisation, 44th and 9th, Hell's Kitchen.

A time in New York where it was just

dank and dirty and dangerous.

- I'll never forget the first time I saw him,

I was at Catch A Rising Star.

- This guy comes on stage at like 12:30 in the morning,

you know which is like the graveyard shift.

His energy was off the charts and he was just

improving everything.

- He was this funny, quirky, screaming, bizarre,

brave thing on stage, and I asked somebody what is that?

And they said that's Gilbert.

- Oh thank you, oh thank you, oh god bless you.

(laughing)

Oh thank you, thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. (laughing)

Thank you very much.

I think I was 17 when I walked into Catch.

There used to be a line outside

and you'd get on the line to do auditions

so that one day if they accepted you, you could work

for free, that's the way those clubs work.

- You know when you think about it a boy comic like him

at 15, with that kind of weird voice and act,

I'm sure he had to battle many a crowd,

like they must have just booed and heckled him offstage

many a time and I think that a lot of his voice

is the talking over a rough, rambunctious crowd.

- Did this ever happen to you?

Did this ever happen?

You're putting on your shirt and you button it

and one side's longer than the other and then you (shouts).

(applauding)

But seriously, you're combing your hair

and the part is crooked and you (mumbles)

and you gotta comb it all over again!

When people ask me like your delivery now,

when did you first develop that?

Hi, to those of you who just tuned in,

this is Jews with jokes.

(laughing)

It's like you don't know.

I just went onstage a few billion times

and then one day you wake up and go oh,

I seem to be like that now.

He's a lunatic.

He's a sick man.

This ranting and raving is a desperate cry for help.

- He doesn't care if you don't like his first joke.

'Cause maybe you'll like his second,

maybe you'll like his third, and he just keeps on going.

- [Gilbert] Well I don't wanna be here any more than you do.

(laughing)

So let me barrel through this and we can all

get the hell outta here.

- The audience didn't have anything to do

with his performance, because he was not relying

on the audience to be a part of his routine.

- It was walking a tightrope.

With Gilbert, is this Gilbert's crowd tonight?

I have no idea, let's find out.

He didn't really care.

Which is very brave and really funny.

- Tony Curtis talking to Gavin McCloud.

Hi Gavin.

Hi Tony.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Want some coffee?

Okay.

I think I'll have a donut.

Alright, I'll have one too.

You will have two donuts?

I would go to the clubs, I don't think I was going

every night yet.

After a while it just hit me, I think I'm gonna go

every night.

And then it became weird because it became an addiction.

I mean I was going when there would be transit strikes,

snow storms.

- Yeah, I remember one time I worked one place

and they actually gave me $7 and I thought that was amazing.

And then I went back the next time they gave me $5.

- Hug.

Oh come on.

Did you bring a couple extras just in case?

- Okay.

- Happy anniversary. - Yeah yeah yeah.

Alright.

Okay.

- Love you.

Love you, have fun.

Oi.

(light jazzy music)

- If Gilbert defines himself as a comic,

that comes with certain expectations

and lack of bigger ones.

- Stand up comic's life is, oh god.

You know, I tell stand up agents they don't know why

we bitch I'm like you don't get it.

You get 10% for answering a phone basically.

I go to these, I go to Denver, I physically go to Denver.

I unpack, I hang out with people from Denver

and I tell them jokes.

It's not glamorous at all, at all.

- I don't know if I ever had a clear vision

of what success was going to be.

And whatever it is, it's always different,

the way things turn out are always different

than you imagine them.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, okay, where is it?

- You're heading there. - Okay yeah okay.

- So they feel like they can be that GI storming the bunkers

in Normandy. - Oh.

(laughing)

- [Man] Well that's the thing you know.

The Germans lost the war but they won the fashion show.

- Yeah. (laughing)

- Hi.

How are you?

- Oh good, good.

- It's a fricking pleasure meeting you.

- Oh thank you.

- I am serious man.

What are you doing here?

- Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

Oh!

Feeling nervous a Jew being so close.

(murmuring)

(applauding)

An old Jewish woman brings her grandson to the beach,

her three year old grandson.

The old Jewish woman falls asleep in the sand

and the grandson starts wandering off.

A wave sweeps him up and drags him further and further

out into the water.

The Jewish woman is yelling save my grandson

and a man runs forward, leaps in the water,

and is swimming against the current

and the waves are knocking him against the rocks

and he's getting all bloody.

Then he finally swims out, grabs the little boy,

lifts him up out of the water.

A giant shark starts coming at them and the man

starts beating off the shark.

(laughing)

Well I don't mean beating off the shark.

(laughing)

Because if you beat off the shark that would make

the shark stick around.

So he's beating off the shark and the shark's going

oh oh oh oh no.

He's punching.

Wait, should I start from the beginning?

There are two sharks there now

and one he's fingering the pussy

and the other he's beating off and he's talking dirty.

Yeah, that's it, I'm fingering your pussy

you fucking shark-toothed bitch

and I'm beating you off, fuck you bitch!

Okay, where was I?

So he's holding the little kid and he brings him

to the shore and he drops him on the sand

and then the kid's not breathing and he's pumping

his arms up and down.

Finally the boy spits up water and he's alive

and the beach is cheering and the old Jewish grandmother

goes, "He had a hat."

(laughing)

- Goodnight. - Night.

- You selling books and CDs?

- Oh yes.

- [Man] What would you like (mumbles)?

- I'll take a DVD. - The DVD, oh, DVD?

- Your podcast is my favorite thing every week.

- Oh thank you.

- It's true, that was very fun, thank you.

- Great show, great show.

- Thank you.

Oh jeez.

(laughing)

And that's how it started.

Ah!

- You're very good onstage.

- Oh thank you.

Heil five.

- I feel bad about the uniform.

- Why, it's not wrinkled.

It's pressed. - Thank you.

- Thank you. (laughing)

- Actually I got a joke for you.

- Oh. (laughing)

- Why did Michael Jackson get divorced twice?

- Oh why?

- Came home with crayon on his collar.

(laughing)

Yeah it's bad but, Blanket knows.

- Well it's not the worst thing the Nazis have done,

a bad Michael Jackson joke.

(laughing)

("The Infernal Galop" from Orpheus in the Underworld

by Jacques Offenbach)

It's usually not like this.

Usually they don't have soldiers throughout history

following you around wanting your autograph.

You usually don't have Nazis who want their picture

taken with you.

- [Man] Okay everybody say--

- [All] Aflack.

(laughing)

- Oh, here's, God.

This is just material.

Wow.

So that's how well I have it written out.

- Oh, the sieg heil, and I'll see if I remember this.

I'd go, you know before Hitler came up with this sieg heil

he had to try a few other ones.

That didn't really work as well.

Like he would go out on the balcony

and give an impassioned speech

and work the crowd into a frenzy and then go sieg heil!

- People are becoming to appreciate the far-out humor

of Gilbert Gottfried.

He really is terrific.

You may have seen him now in Beverly Hills Cop 2.

I don't know, has Gilbert been seen in other movies?

- Yes, he'll tell us.

- Alright fine.

- He's a wonderful interview.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Are we on? - Oh we're on.

- Yeah we're on. - We're on now.

- How come the camera's back there?

(laughing)

What happened?

- People like Gilbert.

He made an initial boom, he came out

and he threw a punch right away.

- What do you play in the film?

- Uh I play a loud, irritating Jew

which is a stretch for me.

- That was back when like if you had a spot like that

in a movie you blew up.

Especially if it was an Eddie Murphy movie, forget it.

- What are you trying to say sir?

- Like you'd be holding something in that hand

and this hand you'd forget about it.

This hand...

- His absurd impressions and rambling tangents

have made Gilbert Gottfried a guy you don't easily forget.

- Why do people wear shoes?

- [Man] The comic hasn't had trouble

developing into a film actor.

- A little rambunctious, but weren't we all at that age?

- [Man] How is your movie career progressing?

I mean you're obviously expanding, how's it going?

- I'm expanding, I'm expanding.

It goes on by the second.

She's a hooker!

(laughing)

The prosecution rests.

Every minute it's expanding.

As we speak it's expanding.

How close can you get?

- No one even in the business believed

that they could ever have a real conversation with him.

- This character-- - Yes?

- You've developed-- - Uh huh.

- Is it based on you--

- Can you enunciate?

- Thank God this is almost over, this interview.

- Did you just hike your skirt up?

- No. (laughing)

- Now I'm gonna ask you two questions.

- Yes.

- I'm gonna ask you two questions--

- Yes. - And you gonna answer them.

- Yes.

Can I ask you a question?

- No, this is not your damn show Gilbert!

You answer my question.

- Wait, have you ever had sex with Paula Abdul?

- Oh! (playful music)

- We wanna know don't we?

- You don't have to imitate spontaneity with Gilbert,

and you don't have to imitate the danger of the moment. He'll do all that for you.

- Local film production-- - Can I just do my plug and get the hell outta here?

- (laughing) - Can I please?

I'm in Aladdin, just go see it.

- Okay, okay you marry the princess right?

- It was incredibly odd when you first hear in the grapevine

in this club that Gilbert's gonna be in Aladdin.

- And then we drop papa in law and the little woman

off a cliff.

(laughing)

- I love the way your fowl little mind works.

- It's so funny because Aladdin is such, it's Disney!

He's so not Disney.

- There's gonna be a new Aladdin,

it's the Return of Jafar, and it's going right,

it has everything that the movie didn't have.

Full frontal nudity. - Really?

(laughing)

Now Gilbert, you don't strike me as a Disney kinda guy.

- Yeah I'm a Disney kinda guy.

You know I just finished reading Mackenzie Phillips's autobiography.

In Mackenzie Phillips's autobiography,

she says that when she was a little girl,

her father would climb into bed with her every night

and have sex with her.

This to me was mind-boggling.

I can't get my daughter to hold my hand

when we cross the street.

(laughing)

We're running through oncoming traffic

and she's pulling away from me

and this guy's nailing his daughter every night!

And I'm not saying I want my daughter to have sex with me.

I just want her to know that Barbie Dream House

- wasn't free. - (laughing)

(playful music)

- Oh jeez, which ones bother me?

- [Neil] Yeah.

- Well I don't really like the Mackenzie Phillips joke.

Ugh.

- The worst thing you could say to me

is don't joke about that. (laughing)

If you say don't joke about it, that's wrong,

that's horrible if you joke about, well,

then I'm gonna joke about it.

- He tells me to shut up.

- Gilbert is a child and he's a demon at the same time.

Certainly Dara saw that in him.

My guess is that Dara was really patient

when they started going out.

Is really patient today.

But you know, Dara now has literally three children.

(mumbling)

- Look look. - What?

- She's waking up.

You know at night I heard her moving

and then I went down here and she was sitting up like this

with her eyes open. - That's weird.

Don't jump down the building, you'll die.

- [Man] Yeah, don't let her jump down the building.

- So soft. - Right?

- [Gilbert] Okay Maxy, Maxy.

- Should I take a picture of Max in his glasses? Just like that?

- [Gilbert] If you want to, sure. - Just a minute.

Just one minute. - Where's your camera?

- [Arlene] I have to find it.

- The camera. - What kind?

- [Arlene] Alright Max hold on tight.

(laughing)

- Not literally hold on tight.

- Well I was like this.

(laughing)

- [Arlene] That's good actually.

- Certain things, not everything.

Certain things, yeah.

(gentle music)

- My sister Arlene was gonna chronicle my mother's life.

I think it was more my mother's death in a way.

You know her last years living by herself,

her last years in a nursing homes and the hospital.

I wouldn't have touched it.

I think it'd be too weak or too secretive about it.

- That's how I knew how to cope with it,

by taking pictures.

It's how I dealt with the pain

and watching her fade away.

You know out of all the other work that I've done,

it's such an intimate work and revealing about her

and to show her in such a vulnerable state

that I was almost, I was afraid.

- He was actually very good in a way

that we don't really talk about things like that so much,

but he said something like well,

that's the point of the photograph, you know.

And I was stunned.

- It's emotional, it was very emotional for me

to look at the book.

Honestly, honestly, this is the truth,

there's some picture of me the day after

my mother passed and I look at that and I say

that was the saddest day of my life.

Without question, that was the saddest day of my life.

- It definitely brings back memories

and it brings back my father.

I can hear my father's voice saying

your parents aren't gonna be around forever.

And as bad as it is when your father dies

there's something about your mother dying

that really pulls the rug out from under you.

- Yeah, yeah I was definitely a mama's boy.

(laughs)

- Also you know neither sister ever got married

and they would all meet up at his mom's house.

She was like the center.

- Yeah, yeah even my grandmother Van Dyke did.

Yeah at 89 years old.

- How old are you now?

- I just turned 90 last month.

- Oh jeez.

(laughing)

- I don't feel 90, it's funny.

I think it's all in your head.

13 emotionally probably, but I just don't feel it.

- What I want to know is when you have a son who's 65

do you still look upon it as your little boy?

- Oh sure, yeah, to me they never grew up.

I said you can't be 65 'cause I'm 65.

(laughing)

- Hey can we sing together?

- Yeah.

- 'Cause I have some of your lyrics written down.

- Lyrics? - Yeah.

- Okay.

- Well here.

This is, here, we're both putting on our glasses.

This is like we're in a home.

Okay, put on a happy face.

- You pick your key.

- You talk about an untrained singer.

(laughing)

* Gray skies are gonna clear up

* Put on a happy face

* Brush off the clouds and cheer up

* Put on a happy face

* And spread sunshine all over the place

* Just put on a happy face

I just sang with Dick Van Dyke.

(chuckles)

And I think I came.

(laughing)

(light jazzy music)

See this is a comedy cruise, so they've handed each one of

us a phony mustache.

Eh?

A lot of people watch me and go ooh boy

so you're there, you can take any movie or TV show you want

and now you've made it and no, no it could go any second.

You should be a little more impressed with me.

Have you ever heard my John MacGuyver?

Everything must be done according to schedule.

- It's hard making a career in showbusiness, it's even

harder sustaining it and comics are people who

for them to be successful have to go out

and make strangers laugh.

People you don't know laugh.

- I don't wanna say my wife's cooking is bad,

but how can you burn jello? (laughing)

Oh that was wonderful, oh, what a beautiful crowd.

What a wonderful audience.

Years ago you could have said to me

you're gonna be going on stage to an audience of

20,000 people and it will be broadcast all over the earth

and I'd go oh, okay.

A scene from every 1940s murder mystery.

Beats me.

(laughing)

And now when I'm about to go on there's a part of me

going can I still do this?

I don't know how to do this.

(cheering)

Just once I'd like to hear a black person say

today I got on the elevator there was a Jew standing there,

I got so scared.

(laughing)

I didn't even think he lived in the building.

- I think there's times Gilbert still enjoys

going up on stage and I think there's other times

that he's just exhausted and he's tired of telling

the same jokes over and over.

- Mickey Mouse on acid.

Oh god, I'm freaking out.

Oh god I'm freaking out! (laughing)

- Uh uphill climb.

- Yeah.

(cheering)

- Right now I'd like to share a very old

Jewish expression with you.

I'm just doing anything to avoid my regular act

which I'm so fucking tired of.

Say, I don't like the way you're talking to her.

Come on, you and me are gonna have to tango.

And you too.

Go ahead, throw one punch at me.

Come on, I'll put one arm behind my back

and I'll take on both of you.

And he puts the kid in the sand and the kid's not breathing

so he's pumping his chest, lifting his arms up and down

and beating him, no, he's a little boy,

he wouldn't do that to him 'cause his dick isn't that,

he can't hold on to that.

He would have to beat him off like that.

And you couldn't get a firm grip.

Wait a minute!

Come back, this one's clean!

Usually I lose the crowd quicker than that,

I must be slipping.

- Bingo in a half hour.

You wanna play bingo?

- I dunno.

- Let's exercise, will you go to the gym with me?

- Who's this guy Jim you keep talking about?

- I'm serious.

You wanna walk around the track?

- In a second.

(chuckles)

- No I thought-- (laughing)

Fuck you.

- Maybe I'll grab a piece of pastry on the way out.

- You can't just eat and not exercise.

- Yes you can, look at everyone else on the boat.

(laughing)

(mellow music)

I'll never get this.

That's it, that's it.

Yeah.

(laughing)

- [Dara] Gilbert and I have been together

almost 20 years now.

I never met nor will I ever meet

another person like Gilbert.

I know it seems odd, but it works.

We're like two puzzle pieces that fit together.

- You'll never believe what I'm gonna do with this.

This is a comic mind, here.

- [Dara] We dated for 10 years before we got married

and that was not easy.

- Now I got spit on my hair.

- He was so ridden with fear.

He was scared that if he had a quote unquote traditional

life like a wife and kids

then he wouldn't be who he was.

That he would be like everyone else.

And I told him, we could get married and have kids

and it doesn't have to be anywhere near normal.

I don't even know what normal is.

(laughing)

(clapping and cheering)

- Gilbert you wanna see this, our wedding?

- Yeah I saw it, I was there.

- But you wanna see the pictures?

- I was already there.

- But do you wanna see the pictures?

- I don't have to see the pictures.

I was there, I experienced it.

- I think it was hard at the beginning because

he doesn't really, you know, open up.

I mean you see, he's very, he's reserved.

Even like his good friends, they talk about movies,

they talk about pop culture.

They don't talk about feelings.

First anniversary, February 3rd 2008.

Dara, warmly thinking of you and hoping this will be

a happy celebration of your anniversary.

Happiness always, go fuck yourself, Gilbert.

(laughing)

I haven't seen these in a long time.

For you on Valentine's Day.

Dara, go fuck yourself 500 times.

(laughing)

This comes straight from the heart.

- Happy but nervous.

He didn't really talk about it a lot,

he just kinda went along and went with it.

He doesn't deal with real moments.

I think he avoids, you know, and probably uses humor

to mask real emotions.

- When Lily was first born, and I think maybe when babies

are first born sometimes they are all pressed together,

their face hasn't developed, and I remember thinking ooh,

that's really an ugly baby.

That was my first thought.

I thought oh, she's really ugly.

Then within a few days or so I looked at her and say

oh, she's cute, and then more and more, I'd think

wow, she's a really pretty girl.

And then I thought in terms of being a father

where I thought ooh, maybe it would make me much happier

as a father to be the father of an ugly girl.

'Cause you know a pretty girl every guy is gonna be after.

And but then I think, but then if you have an ugly girl,

maybe the ugly girl might try to make friends

by fucking more guys.

So you can't win either way with a girl.

(laughing)

(playful music)

It was kind of like in Frankenstein where Frankenstein

meets the little girl and she's throwing her daisies

in the water and it's like.

(crying out)

I think I was Frankenstein at that point.

(baby talk)

- The way he looked at the kids, oh my god.

He was so proud and so happy.

And I said look, see, I mean you were so scared.

Meanwhile it ended up okay and he's like

such an amazing dad.

Gilbert, are you paying attention to what she's doing?

- Yes.

- [Dara] Lily, what are you doing?

- Drawing.

- [Dara] Gilbert did you have any idea

that this is what she was doing?

- Videos of my act?

- No. - No.

One time Max was asking can he come

to one of my shows and Dara said to him oh, well no you

can't because they don't allow kids in daddy's shows

and he says a lot of bad words.

And Max goes, "That's what makes it funny!"

(laughing)

(cheering and applauding)

- Before we get started let me just say this.

New York is the greatest city in the world.

(cheering and applauding)

Yeah, that's right.

I'm glad to be here and I think everybody here

will agree that right about now we can all use

a good laugh.

Unfortunately though our first roaster is Rob Schneider.

(laughing)

(gentle music)

- We were roasting Hugh Hefner just a couple of weeks

after the Twin Towers were knocked down.

And back then we didn't call it 9/11, it was just like

a couple of Tuesdays ago.

- It was already a weird time to be doing this big

comedy event but especially in New York.

People are kind of walking around like zombies.

- [Jimmy] The one and only Gilbert Gottfried.

- Even doing a roast so soon after was in bad taste.

Someone had to call it out, someone had to make a joke.

- That's the way my mind works.

I wanted to basically address the elephant in the room.

I have to catch a flight to California,

I can't get a direct flight.

They said they had to stop

at the Empire State Building first.

(laughing) (murmuring)

- Somebody yelled "Too soon" and Gilbert in his

awkward way sort of vamped for a second holding on

to the podium, hoping it was a time machine

that he could just go back two minutes.

But to his credit, he just doubled down.

- Okay, a talent agent is sitting in his office.

A family walks in.

The talent agent goes what kind of an act do you do?

And he goes, watch.

All of them take their clothes off.

The father starts fucking his wife.

The wife starts jerking off the son.

The son starts going down on the sister.

The sister starts fingering the dog's asshole.

(laughing)

Then the son starts blowing his father.

You want me to start at the beginning?

(laughing)

I'll wait til you're ready.

(laughing)

- To the delight of the audience and the admiration

of the comedians, his way to get out of this huge hole

is to dig an even deeper hole by telling The Aristocrats

joke and what he essentially did was I'm gonna dig

til I come up on the other side of the earth,

that's my way out of this, and that was amazing to see.

- Now where was I?

Oh yes, the son is licking out his father's asshole.

(upbeat percussive music)

- The Aristocrats was basically, is the backroom dirty joke.

You know comics hang out in the back room

and that's the joke they tell, it's not meant to be

out there in public for public consumption.

- The talent agent says, "What do you call yourselves?"

and they go, "The Aristocrats!"

(laughing)

- I think The Aristocrats sort of catapulted Gilbert

into a world where blue comedy was considered artistic.

- Cloris Leachman is so old that her tits are labeled

whites only and coloreds. (laughing)

- These roasts became really popular.

That's what really brought him to America.

Now everyone knew this Gilbert.

- Her tits are a shameful time in this country's history.

(laughing)

- What I think is remarkable about you,

and I don't even know how you pull this off.

You are probably the filthiest comic I've ever heard.

- John Stamos walks into a bar.

The bartender says we have a drink named after you.

John Stamos says, "You have a drink named secret fag?"

(laughing)

- And yet in the same career, Disney thinks nothing

of hiring you for cartoons.

- So Mickey, what's in it for us?

- Oh no, not another lamp.

- In all the different cartoons you're in,

isn't it always the same voice?

It's always a bird. - Yeah.

- You mean that pompous piece of cyber trash?

- Why is that?

Have you been typecast as a bird?

- [Gilbert] Yes.

- Aflac! (screaming)

- Do the Aflac, just do it for us.

- Aflac! - Yes!

- He loved doing Aflac.

- I wanna return this duck.

- That Aflac job, it's a dream.

It's like what everyone wants.

He can roll out of bed, go in a booth, Aflac,

and you're paid a shitload of money.

- I'm always afraid one day Aflac's gonna wake up

and go we can just get a duck.

(laughing)

Thank goodness I had that health insurance.

- Really?

What health insurance did you have?

- Elflac! - Alright.

- I'm sure this happens to you.

It's like, do you ever like, in the middle of a show

go what the fuck am I doing right now?

- All the time. - Yeah.

It's like sometimes it'll hit me for a second.

I'll go I'm standing here, people are looking at me

and I'm acting stupid.

- You know you wanna just go home.

- [Gilbert] Yeah, yeah.

- But listen, this is how you chose to make a living.

- [Gilbert] Yeah.

- And now you kinda, there's nothing to fall back on.

- It's like Hyman Roth in Godfather.

This is the business we've chosen.

(laughing)

- Oh, you mean talk to them regular?

- [Neil] Yeah.

- [Gilbert] No I still feel uncomfortable with that.

- Yeah.

It's too late for it now.

(gentle music)

- Oh wow.

These are the tweets that got him fired from Aflac.

I guess I printed them.

We took 'em down, we deleted them from Twitter

and I guess I found them somewhere online

and I printed them just to have.

- Japan is really advanced.

They don't go to the beach, the beach comes to them.

- No.

I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent.

I said is there a school in the area?

She said not now but just wait.

What do Japanese Jews like to eat?

Hebrew National tsunami.

I mean it's so cheesy you know.

He didn't mean anything wrong,

he didn't mean anything bad.

- Good evening, the nation of Japan has suffered

a colossal, historic earthquake that has caused massive

damage, massive loss of life.

- [Reporter] Literally just being washed away.

13 foot tsunami engulfs that country.

- [Reporter] Farmlands quickly disappeared,

entire major road, bridges and homes gone.

- [Reporter] Gilbert Gottfried, making things even worse

after a string of offensive tweets regarding the disaster...

- [Reporter] Many were offended by the tsunami jokes

comedian Gilbert Gottfried tweeted.

- [Man] I think he went too far,

I thought they were offensive. - You did.

- Gilbert's career will not survive this.

- You don't think so? - Okay let me read you,

let me read you-- - I think it's done.

- A well-known comedian is no longer the voice

of Aflac's duck today because--

- Gilbert Gottfried controversy, he made some pretty

tasteless jokes about the tsunami.

And Aflac stepped in and said no, not funny, and canned him.

- [Woman] Inappropriate is one thing but I'm going

when you got lives lost, to make jokes like this,

it's inappropriate.

- Here's one but I need you people who are watching this

to understand, this is not my joke.

- You feel you have to read it?

Maybe it's--

- Well I don't think you'll understand unless you know.

I think you need to-- - You have to read it.

- You got to read it.

- I just broke up with my girlfriend

but as the Japanese say there'll be another one

floating by any minute now.

- Okay that was just one of them, he said it's like...

- [Man] Gilbert, oh no, fired, bummer man.

- I remember when it happened I thought well this is

the entire earth talking saying they hate me

and they want me dead, and I remember my agent

saying to me, I got you booked in some club in so and so.

And like I always ask and I said how's the pay on this one?

And he goes I don't think you can ask about the pay anymore.

I think you just take it.

(pensive music)

- You know in my opinion everything has a context

and too soon, uh, it's your feeling, you know.

- In this world I think everything is too soon now.

Like no matter what you say people have a comment on it

but I think that also for Gilbert he could have waited,

you know, not to take away from Gilbert's art, but

he could have probably waited.

- In days gone by when a comedian got up on stage

you did it and it was done, it was over,

you didn't have to worry about it.

And unfortunately the internet has changed all that.

- If a bunch of us were sitting around a table

and he told these jokes, we might say oh that's awful,

but it's funny. - Right.

- But you don't tweet them.

- It's the fact that it's in writing I think

is one of the issues, right? - Right.

- But that's a good lesson for everybody.

Just be a little more thoughtful before

you put your tweet out.

You know?

It might be fine.

Just be more thoughtful, that's all.

- I guess because you put it out there publicly like that

it's almost like you're going to church

or you're going over to your mom's house or something.

I guess you have to look at it like

you're talking to everybody now so there's

a new behavior.

Gilbert kinda showed like is that how Twitter works?

You can get in trouble like that?

I didn't know.

Somebody had to be the first to run off the cliff.

- I just felt like shellshocked.

And I remember everybody was kind of like that

and I remember thinking like, God, okay,

I've had a nice little run and now it's gone.

Of course it's a lot worse when you have a wife and kids.

- [Dara] He cried.

He felt horrible.

He was innocent, he didn't mean anything wrong.

That was really hard.

- Well yeah, he felt like he let the whole family...

But no, he really didn't think he was doing anything wrong.

- Is it appropriate?

No.

Is it hurtful to a lot of people?

Yes.

If you take it literally, if you read the minutes of it.

But if you know Gilbert and you know the intention of it,

he's thinking I'm gonna joke about it

'cause it's the only way I can deal with it.

- What people don't understand about humor is

it doesn't mean you don't care.

A lot of times what it is, it's a defense mechanism

'cause you don't want to see the pain,

you don't want to feel the pain or you're feeling it

and you need to diffuse it.

So you make a joke.

- He doesn't really filter himself and I think

that's why people are drawn to him in this

politically correct world we live in

to have a loose cannon running around in the world

is refreshing.

I mean if someone doesn't say it nobody will.

But why do you hire him as your spokesduck

if you didn't know what he does?

- The way he deals with tragedy is through humor.

That's his way of dealing with bad things.

When my grandmother passed away and I was so upset,

I said to him I can't call her, you know,

I used to call her every single day and now

she's not alive and I can't call her.

He's like you could call her.

She just won't answer the phone.

(laughing)

And you know what, it made me laugh.

And you know what, it made me feel this much better.

It feels good to laugh.

- I think I told you this before 'cause we haven't met

that many times but I told you when I got out of college

I was at one of the comedy clubs, and I think

it's the Improv but I don't know.

And it was 12 o'clock, you were the last guy on.

You talked about it before that you're the okay,

let's put him on at the end, everything like that.

You were defiant to the audience.

Nobody was laughing.

(laughing)

And you kept going and it was--

- [Frank] I remember those days.

- Simply the funniest thing I'd ever seen ever ever.

That's why I can't be a comic.

That's why I can't do standup.

I'm funny, I'll do it, but if I'm not pleasing the audience

it's me and you are not that.

You're defiant to the world.

It is the greatest gift you could ever have.

You just, you are true to yourself so that's why I think,

that's why I admire you, that's why we all admired

Lenny Bruce-- - Yeah.

- You know it goes way back so.

- Wow, that's as nice a compliment, wow.

- But it's true, it's true, and it's why I can't do

the dangerous stuff.

- Now do you have anything--

- She's saying wrap it up.

If you don't listen to what I guess is the producer

much less your wife-- (laughing)

- [Frank] She is the producer.

- She was saying this when you walked in.

(laughing)

- Wrap it up. - Yes!

- Enough, enough with the Jews.

(laughing)

(light jazzy music)

- Oh hi. - Good to see you man.

- How are you?

- I'm great, how about you? - Eh.

- Eh, come on, you're good, you're good, I know you're good.

- (laughing) - Thank you for doing this for us.

- Oh sure, no problem. - Appreciate it very very much.

So you know we're not a local children's hospital. - Yeah.

- So we're a pediatric cancer hospital,

we take kids from all 50 states and foreign countries

and we're gonna be the hospital where kids get sent

- that can't get treated at their local children's hospital. - Yeah.

- And we're a research hospital so this year

we have to raise about a billion dollars

just to give you a sense of what we're doing here.

- A year.

- Yes ma'am.

- I'll see when I'm up there.

- I know I know.

- That's easy for you to say.

- I know.

(applauding)

- Our St. Jude journey started in 2002

when my youngest daughter Jordan was just 15 months old.

As parents we noticed that something wasn't right

with Jordan.

She was lethargic, slept more than normal,

and she bruised really easily.

After repeated visits to her pediatrician,

we received a call one evening asking us

to bring Jordan to the emergency room.

- There were a few speeches that were,

it almost made me feel human.

- After several hours of tests,

the head oncologist came into our room,

stood at the foot of Jordan's bed,

and said I'm so sorry, your daughter has cancer.

She has leukemia.

I asked the team is there any place on this planet

that we could bring Jordan

to give her a chance at life?

(pensive music)

The answer was no.

And her mom asked the one question you never wanna ask.

How long?

- Hi.

- [Nurse] We're just waiting for all your blood work

to come back, it's not all back yet.

- Okay, thanks. - Alright.

- [Nurse] Nice big deep breath.

And again.

- It's tough to go to the clinic there.

And my sister's there, they'll put whatever tubes

they put in her and it's difficult to witness all of that.

- I was diagnosed in April of '09.

I have stage four breast cancer.

And it's very, I get very fatigued and I'm very frightened.

- From the time that we stepped on the plane

to when we walked onto the campus of St. Jude,

we knew we were exactly where we should be.

We asked Dr. Leung, as Jordan's parents how could we

help along this journey?

He thought for a moment and said, "I want you

"to do three things.

"I want you to envision Jordan with hair.

"I want you to envision Jordan flying home cancer free.

"And I want you to envision Jordan growing

"with her own family.

"Don't ever lose sight of that.

"I will take care of the cancer."

- The speeches were heartbreaking and

really is death for me.

This I've got no chance in hell of this being anything

but a disaster.

(cheering and applauding)

Oh thank you.

Thank you, thank you...

- If I were here alone today I'd be in a terrible mood.

He makes me laugh.

("Somebody to Watch Over Me" instrumental

by George Gershwin)

(laughing)

Then he makes fun of me too.

- [Neil] You do?

- A man comes home from work.

He goes honey, honey, I just won the $500 million lottery,

start packing!

She goes, what should I pack?

He goes, I don't care, just pack and get the fuck out!

(laughing) (applauding)

A Jewish woman, an Italian woman,

and a Polish woman are all...

I remember looking at the faces in particular

when I saw people laughing and applauding

and I saw the guy whose daughter had cancer

and it looked like his face lit up and I thought

that was an amazing moment

when I'm up there doing dick jokes.

(laughing)

A little boy walks in when his mother's in the shower

and he points down, he goes, what's that?

She goes oh, um, well your father and I had an argument

yesterday and he hit me with an ax.

And the little boy goes wow, he hit you right in the cunt.

(laughing)

I think they want something to laugh at.

Wherever tragedy is, comedy is looking over his shoulder

sticking his tongue out.

You know it could be totally poor taste,

totally filthy, which I specialize in.

- It's definitely a gift.

It's a gift to turn life's anxiety and doubt

into something funny, into humor.

(laughing)

- I've been to a bunch of these and I think the happiest

day for everybody will be when St. Jude's hospital

closes up because there's no more business.

(cheering and applauding)

Thank you.

- Yeah, I got a standing ovation.

Granted they were standing and leaving but still,

I got a standing ovation.

So it still counts.

- [Arlene] There's the 11.

Alright thanks, I'll see you tomorrow I guess.

- I think that Gilbert in the grand scheme of things

I would think of him as the ultimate comedian's comedian.

You know every comic loves him.

Has a deep abiding love for him and that is very rare.

Comics love to hate their own but Gilbert I think

escapes all of that.

Even the guys like George Burns, people hated George Burns.

Guys like, oh, who's the other one?

The guy with the huge dick.

- [Neil] Oh, Milton Berle? - Yeah Milton Berle.

There are way more stories of people who hated Milton Berle

than anything else.

I don't think you'll ever find a story

about someone who hates Gilbert

and that in this business, that's a unicorn.

- There's always gonna be a demand.

People love seeing him, his shows are packed.

He sells out, he's hilarious.

- He's brutal, he's vicious, there's no one better at it

than him.

Really, honestly.

- A little boy comes home from school.

He goes dad, dad, I got my first blowjob today.

The father goes that's great, how was it?

He goes, tasted awful.

(laughing)

- The fact that he still does it gives the rest of us

something to shoot for I think.

It's like you know you can't pull back if Gilbert doesn't.

- 'Cause he had cum in his mouth.

(laughing)

He had cum in his mouth.

See he was a little boy with cum.

Picture a little boy with a mouthful of--

- I think there has been nobody that's been more

true to themselves in what they do and what their belief is

than Gilbert.

I love that he hasn't kowtowed to the man.

You know, he just does what he does

and he's taken all the slings and arrows

along with all the gifts and rewards.

- I actually believe the best years for Gilbert

are ahead of him, but I'm just looking forward

to watching their kids grow up and find out

what their father's like.

(chuckling)

- Some of us have been fortunate in our lives

to team up with someone romantically who saves our life.

And I don't think it's much of an exaggeration

to say that Dara saved Gilbert's life.

- The fact that he made that work and I can't,

it makes me want to leap off

of the fucking Chrysler Building.

How did he do that?

Unbelievable.

But god bless him.

- Years ago you could have said to me the minute I agree

to do some comedy club, that's when Steven Spielberg

would call me to star in his next movie.

He never did, but it's like I would get offers

that I couldn't do then and now with kids

I'm missing a lot of stuff that I should be at.

- I went to the Museum of Natural History.

- Oh my god yes yes!

- And I saw the tallest dinosaur in the world.

- When I get back to New York we'll have to go again

'cause I wanna see that.

I guess I'd like to do less road but I don't see

that day coming too soon.

I mean I guess you always have to do.

You have to dance with the date who brought ya.

(gentle music)

This is a fantasy I have in my mind.

I wish that I could bring my mother and father back to life

for just like a couple of minutes and go okay

I just finished this movie with so and so,

I'm on this TV show, here you can watch me walk down

any block and people are coming up, they want

their picture taken with me.

To be able to bring them back for just like short moments

to say to them well I've got two children

that I named after the two of you.

And that I've got a wife who's madly in love with me.

You know my parents would be amazed.

- Happy birthday, I love you.

- That's your problem.

- I love you.

(jazzy music)

- Now I remembered a bit I used to do.

You know John F. Kennedy died,

he was assassinated tragically but if John F. Kennedy

was alive today and he was getting a blow job,

it might go something like this.

You know, Martin Luther King.

- Oh you want a bigger one?

- Oh yeah, my whole life.

I think I've had two colonoscopies.

He said you can come back in 10 years

and because you know according to this doctor

you could eat lunch out of my asshole, that's how clean.

- [Dara] That's really disgusting.

(laughing)

- Gottfried baby boy, nine pounds, 23 inches.

I wish I was 23 inches now.

Get it?

When you go into my asshole to have lunch,

there's a French maitre'd

who brings you in. (laughing)

- Gilbert I'm gonna embarrass you for a minute.

I just wanna let Brian here know that Gilbert performed

tonight 100% free of charge for people like your daughter.

- Oh shit!

- Part you must keep it straight.

- Yeah.

- Tight your butt.

(blowing conch)

- Let me tighten my ass.

- Almost, tight it more!

(laughing)

- Can't get my ass tight enough.

It's also how unrealistic I am that...

(laughing)

Thank you.

How totally unrealistic I am...

See other performers are wasting time getting pussy

after the show.

Not me.

I'm wrapping up these donuts to go.

- Gilbert said himself that he's a homosexual.

- [Arlene] He never...

(laughing)

- And for the record going back to the dining in my asshole

part just so I can throw in a reference

that no one will know, the maitre'd will be played

by Fritz Feld.

(clicks)

(laughing)