Original subtitles

So, how did you two first meet? Was it on the show?

Er, yes. Well, pretty much. I mean, just before, I guess.

Yeah, just before. Well, probably just before.

Yeah, I think I probably auditioned her.

No, he did not audition me. Probably.

He did not. OK, let's stop that right there.

Did he give you any advice? Oh, he's never stopped.

He's at that age, though, isn't he? It just goes on and on.

I think he keeps going when I'm not in the room.

Yeah, just an old granddad, really, droning on.

Yeah, it's true.

What was the first piece of advice he gave you, then?

Erm...

He told me it was worth it.

This job,

he told me whatever you have to wade through,

this job is... is worth it.

Did I say that? I don't remember saying that.

Well, you said it. "Wade"? Did I say "wade"?

Yeah, you said "wade".

Was he right? Was it worth the wade?

ON TV: With respect...

With all respect, this is a bit more than industrial action.

DOUGLAS: That's exactly what it is.

I'd say there's a real feeling of moral fervour, wouldn't you?

I wouldn't say "fervour". But you wouldn't say "moral"?

Surely, as a member of the front bench...

Madeline, what are you watching this for? There's cartoons on.

CARTOON PLAYING

ON TV: Your department is showing signs of weakness. Do you agree?

I think you're being unreasonable. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

I'm just reflecting public opinion and trying to get your reaction.

No, no, this is biased reporting. This is typical, I regret to say,

typical of the current trends in broadcast...

Hi.

Hello there. Been waiting long?

Yeah, well, no, I mean, kind of long.

What's the name? Madeline.

Madeline. Lovely name. Thanks.

People call you Maddy? No.

Good. Because Madeline is great.

Erm, Mr Bellowes, I was wondering,

I'm hoping to work in the media, in the news media.

And I was wondering if you had any advice, or...

Work hard and be incredibly lucky. That's all I've got.

OK. Thank you.

Give it a go, though.

OK.

So, who are you? Victoria.

Victoria. Lovely name.

Can you go back a paragraph?

Yeah.

MAN: Can you check the messaging?

Can you change that to... Just make sure that...

Make up. Double check it from here, please.

Can we get the timing? Can we get the timing?

Sorry, Madeline. I'll just go see where Toby's got to.

Right, thank you.

Hi.

Are you a visitor, then?

Here watching how the magic happens?

Well. Kind of.

Ah, it's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.

God, I remember my first time in a studio. Ooh!

I might be coming to work here. Oh, cool.

Nice.

Stick close to me. I'll keep you right on who gets the tea first.

More on the presenting side.

Presenting? Yeah.

Oh, that's great. It's about time we had more...

..people. Presenting people.

What do you do?

Er, comedy. I'm on the comedy team.

For what? Er, this show. This one.

I feed in comedy material. Me and the team.

Is it funny, this show? Er, yes.

Huh. Never thought of it as funny.

Yeah, nobody does, actually, but they're wrong.

So I might end up writing jokes for you, then.

I suppose so. That'd be great.

Me and the team are a right bunch of feminists.

We're all quite militant feminists, actually, so watch out.

Any women on your team? No. No, none.

Which is a pity, we'd love a few. Oh, we're hungry for more women.

Ah, in a way, though,

comedy writers are sort of like women, aren't they?

Are they? Yeah.

Comedy writers are the women of the TV industry.

Aren't women the women of the TV industry?

Yeah, but you know what I mean. No.

Well, we're treated the same way by society. How are we treated?

Well, it's like we're kept in boxes

and only taken out when everybody wants a laugh.

You think women are kept in boxes? Oh, no. God, no. Not me.

No, no, no. No boxes. My women roam free.

Morgan, go away. Yeah. Cool.

Toby sends his apologies. He's got caught up.

Can you come in again tomorrow? Sure. Yeah.

Here? No, no. Not here.

He'll be at the awards thing tomorrow night on the Southbank.

He'll meet you before about six. Do you know the Plaza?

Well, that was quick. I only went to the bathroom.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, you were just faster than I was expecting.

OK. That's weird.

No, I just meant, you know, faster than most...

Most what? Anyway, where were we?

Well, I think you were basically just saying

I'm unusually fast at weeing for a woman.

That wasn't intended critically.

I'm more concerned it was intended as a compliment.

Well, it absolutely was.

Is it part of the interview?

What? Flow speed.

It's not an interview. It's an informal chat.

Well, it was an informal wee.

Where's Julie? Julie?

You said Julie was staying.

Er, yeah, she'll be back in a minute. OK.

Nice room, this. Bloody huge.

Yeah. I often stay here during the week.

I mean, the size of that loo. Thank you.

Corner bath. I know.

I love hotels. Do you love hotels? Oh. They're OK.

Everything's sorted for you. Convenience. Tidy.

Impersonal. Yeah.

Now, as far as this silly old job is concerned,

frankly, you're verging on overqualified.

Thin, good hair, fast wees.

Madeline Crow, let me tell you,

there's a great deal more to you than that.

Right. Good-oh!

Trust me.

OK. You know when you're talking to someone,

and they're being a bit self-deprecating,

but it would be insanely patronising to start reassuring them

because really, they're just being funny and not actually insecure?

Yeah. That.

Yeah. Well.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm being spiky.

I just say things. They just come out. I can't help it. Fuck.

No, I completely understand. Speak first, think later. That's me.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Well...

But I hope you realise I wasn't being sexist.

Don't worry about it. It all balances out.

You guys may have a speed advantage on number ones,

but we are killing you on number twos.

HE LAUGHS

Well, there you go. This is my point.

What point?

Toilet humour. It's not a problem. Why not? Good for you.

Thank you?

Do you know, it's funny. When I got started...

No, I'm OK.

The old guys, they always used to say to me

women in the workplace made them tense.

That's... Ridiculous.

..sociopathic.

Exactly. You know what I say to them?

I like being tense.

OK.

So, we talked about university.

Yeah. Impressive.

Thank you. Good work.

Thanks. I mean, it was ten years ago, but...

Any politics? I'm sorry?

At uni, any political activity? I mean, it doesn't matter,

but the press think we're all a bunch of Trots,

so please let us know if there's anything to dig up.

Well, I'm not a Trot. Good, then.

Also not a member of the Conservative Party.

Well, no. I've considered it many times.

Oh, I suppose I shouldn't now, yeah?

The Conservative Party? Yeah.

OK. Good, good, good.

Those are the... blue ones?

Yes, sorry, no, I...

I just assumed, you know, your father was a Labour MP...

Yeah, but following a freak accident,

I found myself developing opinions of my own.

I don't think that was an accident. No, I don't think it was either.

Do you get on with your dad? I mean, despite the politics.

Does it cause any friction?

Of course I get on with him. He's my dad. I love him.

That's good, isn't it?

Mm-hm. Kindest, most passionate man in the world.

I mean, he's against practically everything.

Always looking for new minorities to support.

I don't think he'll be happy until the whole world's a minority.

Well, you'll balance out all the social justice warriors, I suppose.

I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm babbling.

It's the nerves. I'm sorry.

No, I completely understand that. Really, I do.

Getting where you've got, a woman your age. It's remarkable.

No, it's not. Oh, it is.

There are plenty of women my age doing lots of things.

Breaking through. Well, just doing things.

Exactly. Good for them. Good for all of you.

Thanks. I'll pass that along at our next general meeting.

But you are gonna need support out there.

You're gonna need friends. So, please understand, I'm your ally.

I wasn't aware I needed one.

Don't look so frightened. I'm not.

Would it surprise you to know that I consider myself a feminist?

Yes. But good. Not that...

That's good. Well done.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Excuse me a moment. Sure. Yeah. No problem.

Hurry up. You're not even changed. We don't sit down for ages.

We're all in the bar. Yeah, I'll be down in a bit.

No, come now. Sheila's cross with me.

She'll pretend to be nice if you're there. What have you done?

Nothing. Douglas.

She said I wasn't listening. To what?

I don't know. Oh, hi! Hi.

Yeah, as you can see, I'm in the middle of something.

Madeline Crow, yeah? Yes. Hello.

Douglas Bellowes. Well, yeah.

I know who you are. Obviously.

You did that thing, didn't you? The thing we watched.

That was great. You were great. Yeah, she was.

Thank you. No, you were, really.

Coming from you, that means a lot.

Do you...? No, I'm good, thanks.

Very wise.

I, erm... This may seem stupid, but you signed my book once.

Well, er... your book.

Oh, great. Yeah. Fangirl, right?

You should try finding an unsigned copy, they're much rarer.

You can sell them on eBay. SHE CHUCKLES

You gave me advice. Oh, was it any use?

No, not really. "Work hard and be lucky"?

I figured it was a standard response.

You're gonna be needing one of those soon. I hear talks are going on.

Is that right? Plans are in progress, yes.

We're making them right now. Good, I'm very pleased to hear it.

Yeah, it still has to go to Geoff and Grace, so... Exciting!

Yeah, we really need to be getting on with it.

We should meet up. Yeah.

We should do that. We should have a chat.

Anytime.

Douglas, I don't mean to rush you. You're not rushing me.

We have a lot to get through. Sheila's getting impatient.

Sheila's fine.

KNOCK ON DOOR Shit. Come in.

Erm, Mum wants to know where you are.

Well, did she send you specifically here to ask where I am?

Because I'm sensing a logical problem with that.

You're supposed to be in the bar.

Well, I'll come to the bar, then.

Sorry, Madeline. Got to go. No worries.

I hope it all, you know, works out. Yeah, me too. Thanks.

Oh, and my mum is...

Yeah, I'm her biggest fan, too. OK.

Just tell her I think her daughter's a little bit ageist.

Come on, then.

Why do I have to come to this thing? Because I'm winning an award.

Why should YOU be winning an award? Another old white man.

Well, it's a lifetime achievement award.

And since it's my lifetime,

I'm the only one they can feasibly give it to.

But that doesn't seem fair.

It will, if you think about it a tiny bit.

Great to meet you, Madeline. And you.

Good luck. And if there's anything I can do...

Oh, any advice you've got?

I don't think you need any advice from me.

I do.

I like her. Your wife is waiting for you.

See you down there.

SHE GROANS Douglas. Douglas. Douglas.

Why did I say that about my mum? Oh, don't worry, he's used to that.

He carries a unique erotic charge for the elderly.

He announces deaths.

My mum is 52,

but she doesn't give a damn about him, it's me.

You? Well, it's the face, isn't it?

I practically grew up with that face.

If you're gonna be his co-presenter, I should get that under control.

What, his face? Your...

What? ..chemistry.

Chemistry? What chemistry? For want of a better word.

Oh, no. No, I don't mean that. Jesus.

Well, I'm relieved to hear it.

But he's him, you know, top of his game.

National treasure, all that crappy crap.

Yeah, well, he's known, yeah, certainly.

But he's not swipe right material.

Oh, no, of course not. Of course he isn't.

More like a mentor or something.

I don't think he should be a mentor.

Well, not actually my mentor. Not looking for a mentor.

Yeah, you should look elsewhere. I said I'm not looking for it.

Why? Trust me.

No, tell me. What, you mean you don't trust me?

Do you trust me? Well, of course I do.

Good. Tell me, then.

Look, between you and me,

Douglas isn't like us.

Us? Exactly.

Meaning?

Well, you and I have an understanding, yeah?

OK. We're like minds. We're in step.

We have a connection.

We met three weeks ago.

I know, it's amazing, isn't it? What's amazing?

Now, Douglas...

I love Douglas, but... do you want a drink, by the way?

No. You sure?

Yeah. Mind if I do?

What, is the meeting over?

No, I just thought a drink might be nice.

Go ahead.

Well, your mates are waiting in the bar. We can pick this up tomorrow.

I'd rather have a drink here.

OK. With you.

And Julie?

Oh, no. She's gone home. Sure I can't tempt you?

Yeah. Too early for you, is it?

Oh, God. You're not a non-drinker, are you?

Not at all. I just don't want one.

I can see you're determined to keep me in line.

Well, you're gonna have to try a lot harder.

I'm not trying at all. Exactly.

So... To be honest, I've already had a couple.

Yes.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah, Douglas. Douglas. Douglas.

What shall we do about Douglas?

Well, you could tell me about him.

It's possible we'll be presenting together.

So if there's something I should know, I'd like to know it now.

Right. Should we sit? I'm fine.

No, sit, sit, sit. Make yourself comfortable.

I've been sitting all day. I know what you mean.

So, Douglas, then. What about him?

HE SIGHS

Well, you just saw him in action, didn't you?

He seemed nice. Yeah, nice.

That's it. You put your finger on it.

My finger on what?

You're very quick. Yeah, nice.

He's always had difficulty restraining his, er...

What should we call it?

No idea.

Enthusiasm. For what?

Well, in this case, you. I don't follow.

He's a married man. He wasn't hitting on me.

Well, no, I wouldn't say hitting on you.

Does he cheat on his wife? Is that what you're saying?

Sheila? No, never. I never said that.

So, he's a happily married man

who occasionally notices that other women are also attractive?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Why? I'm not.

Don't you notice other women are attractive?

I'm not married. OK.

Not any more. Back on the shelf, as they say. Available.

Sorry to hear that.

Swipe right.

So, back to Douglas, then. Yeah.

Yeah. Douglas. Come on. Sit. Take the weight off. I'm fine.

No, sit, you're making me uncomfortable standing over there.

Park your little bottom.

I'm really fine. Come on, we're just chatting.

Look, either sit down or let me get you a drink. One or the other.

Have mercy on an old man.

I'll get you a drink. I don't want a drink.

Oh, just one, come on. Really, I'm fine.

But we're very nearly celebrating.

Come on, let's nearly celebrate together.

Oh, thanks very much. Well done.

Cheers. Have a good evening.

Well done. Congratulations. Thank you.

Have you seen Claudia? She was here a second ago.

We need to keep an eye on her,

or she'll be out stopping oil by stoning pensioners.

Madeline Crow. What do you lot know about her?

Er... Young, smart, Scottish, on the way up.

God's gift to the photo desk.

But we don't have anything substantial on her. Nothing topless.

I just met her. Seems very nice. What, is she here?

In Toby's room. He's interviewing her for the presenting job.

He's interviewing her in his room?

Yeah, he does that. He always does that.

OK. Oh, it's nothing.

He uses that room like an office. It's his thing.

OK, fine.

Go and talk to your agent. Why?

Because if you don't, somebody else might. And it's not fair on them.

Michael, can I borrow you for a second? Ah, Sheila. Of course.

Well done. Thank you so much.

Congratulations. Thanks very much.

Ah, Douglas, the man of the moment. Thank you.

We have to move quickly, exploit this lifetime achievement award.

Don't you think? Do we?

Well, lifetime achievement. The window's closing.

Oh.

On the plus side, there are relatively few lifetime achievers

still around to compete with,

and most of them are verging on incapacity.

Bently...

You don't ever hear anything about Toby, do you?

Toby? My producer, Toby.

Oh, your boss? My producer.

Do you ever hear anything about him? Any stupid gossip?

Oh. Toby. Well, well.

Well, what?

Toby, Toby, Toby. Yes, Toby.

Toby is as Toby does.

Are you just pretending to know things now?

One has one's ear to the ground,

one's nose to the... bush telegraph.

Is that right, "Nose to the bush"?

"Nosing the bush" sounds a little...

BENTLY CHUCKLES ..doesn't it?

Have you actually heard anything?

Well, there's a general view

that Toby has certain attitudes.

What attitudes? General ones.

To what? Things.

Have you heard anything about Toby and, well... women?

You mean he's not gay?

Well, he's just left his wife after 25 years.

Well, that's the first sign. Does he have dogs?

No, he doesn't have dogs,

he's not gay, and he's just interviewing her.

He's probably boring her half to death.

Excuse me? Sorry, nothing.

Just a different conversation.

So...

..do you have lots of jokes about me in your speech?

I'm bracing myself.

Well... not that many.

Would you like some?

Oh, dear. What have I let myself in for?

Dreading it already.

SIRENS

Shall I just put it in front of you in case you change your mind?

I don't think I will. There. It's... optional.

Anyway. Douglas. Yes, Douglas.

He seemed nice. I like him. I admire him.

Now, Madeline, you admire what you see on the screen,

and a lot of work goes into that.

You don't want to know how the sausage is made.

No, I very specifically do. Oh, you really don't.

Yes, I do. All right, all right.

I can see who's gonna be the real boss around here.

Tell me about the sausage.

Yeah, coming to that.

GLASSES CLINK Cheers.

Cheers. Oh, take a sip.

Honestly, I don't want a drink.

A tiny sip. You cheersed. It's the law. I'm OK, thanks.

I don't want to call the police. Don't, then.

You're making me drink for two here, Madeline.

Come on, save me from myself.

I didn't think that was part of the job.

Maybe it should be. I really don't think so.

Do you know what? I agree with you.

Keeping me in line, it's not your job.

Cheers. Take a sip.

Is it OK if I don't?

Oh, don't make me feel bad when I'm trying to lighten the mood.

A tiny sip, that's all. Come on.

No, it's just... A tiny, tiny sip.

I'm not telling you anything about Douglas...

till you take a sip.

HE LAUGHS Come on, Madeline.

We're just having a laugh here, aren't we? Come on. Come on.

Teeny tiny sip. Madeline can do it.

That's the way. Now the evening's getting started, isn't it?

So, tell me about Douglas.

Yeah, I'm coming to him. Now... you've been around a bit.

You've worked with a lot of men.

Yes. So you must be used to getting a bit of, well, attention.

I suppose so. Yeah, it's the way of the world, I'm afraid.

I'm not. Good for you.

But since Douglas wasn't hitting on me and he's faithful to his wife,

how is any of this relevant?

I'm talking generally.

Generally speaking, men must, you know, what's the word?

Approach you. Sometimes, yeah.

How do you handle it?

I just handle it.

It's just you and me here.

This is strictly between us, Toby and Madeline.

Well, I... deflect them.

Good word, "deflect".

How?

Politely.

If they've been polite to me. Not politely if they haven't.

Good, very good. So, you keep yourself to yourself.

Alternatively, if they're pretty and nice, I might take them home.

HE LAUGHS Oh, very good.

Sex jokes, that's the spirit.

I wasn't joking. Well, why would you be joking?

I mean, you're a modern woman, for God's sake.

You put it about a bit. I have relationships.

And no-one should be judging you.

I didn't think anyone was. Well, they should cut it out.

What actually are we talking about here?

I'm coming to that. I'm coming right to that.

Oh, hang on. HE CLEARS THROAT

HE HUMS

Er... God, you are stubborn, aren't you?

You're so like me at times, it's not even funny.

I'm not being stubborn. I just don't know what you mean.

OK, OK. You're the boss.

I can see that's how it's gonna be around here.

Right, I'll give it to you straight. Plain talking, how about that?

WATER RUNS

No, no, sit down. I'll be right back.

Maybe I should go. Go? Why?

Well, you're running a bath.

Yeah, sorry about that. I'm a bit pressed for time.

I hate showers, don't you?

I always prefer a proper British bath.

OK, I'll let you get on with it. No, no. Sit.

It'll be ages running. You see the size of that thing?

Not sure how many people they're expecting to get in it.

Well, you need to get ready. Oh, no. Sit.

Please.

So, this decision is basically down to me.

My recommendation carries it.

Either way, if you get the job,

if you don't get the job, my fault, OK?

OK. And the thing is, I am mostly convinced.

You've mostly convinced me.

In the main, I think you're extraordinary.

I see a lot of myself in you, seriously.

But I do want to know, given the Douglases of this world...

..how robust are you?

I'd say I'm robust.

I thought the same, I did,

but you're not looking very robust at the moment.

And you look a little... freaked.

Is this a test? Of course it's not a test.

I'm not freaked.

So, please try to understand

why I'm asking the things that I'm asking.

I don't know WHAT you're asking. OK.

The way men talk sometimes,

the way they behave, the way they joke,

even the way they look at you.

You know, this whole world of entitled masculinity, Madeline...

..does it ever get on your tits?

I cope.

It gets on my tits. Does it ever get on your tits?

As I said, I cope.

I didn't ask you if you can cope. I know you can cope.

I asked, "Does it ever get on your tits?"

It's not a major problem for me, however I feel about it.

Does it bother you, me saying tits?

Madeline, does it bother you?

It's like my dad saying it.

Exactly. It's no more than that. It's just a word, right?

Tits. Tits. Just a word, isn't it?

It's just a word, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you say it. You say tits.

What, now? No. No, generally.

I mean, in general, it's a word you would use.

You'd say tits. I'm sure I have said it, yeah.

Yeah. No, actually, yeah, no, do say it.

Say it. Say now. Say tits. Why?

Well, because I've said it, and...

..and I'm feeling stupid, like I might have offended you.

Don't make me feel stupid. That's not fair.

Come on, don't pour cold water over everything. Say it.

Say the word. Say tits.

Are you playing games with me?

Of course I'm not playing games. SHE EXHALES

Is this...? Are you checking if I'm... robust?

Why? Are you not robust?

OK, could you just explain what relevance this has

to a conversation about Douglas?

Hmm.

You do want this job, don't you?

HE TUTS I mean, you want it... enough.

I want it far too much.

Which is why I'm asking about Douglas.

It's not all about him. I didn't say it was.

HE SIGHS All right.

Douglas is a fine man in many ways,

but he has a certain background.

He has certain attitudes to life.

He's not like us. You keep saying "us".

I know. It's amazing how that just happens, isn't it?

Let me put it another way.

You're a feminist. God knows I'm a feminist.

Douglas, whatever he imagines,

he will never ever be a feminist.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Fine.

Fine?

How can you be so beautifully tolerant?

Because I don't really care.

I'm sorry? I don't really care if he's a feminist.

But you're a feminist.

I suppose so. You suppose so?

Is it mandatory? Well, it should be.

What, because I'm a woman? If I ruled the world, I'd pass a law.

A law just for women, passed by a man? Well...

Look, as a man speaking as a man, yes, I would call myself,

without hesitation, an ardent and committed feminist.

OK. What would you call yourself?

A journalist.

WATER GURGLES

Your bath is nearly full. I'm sorry?

By the sound of it, I think your bath is about full.

Is it? By the sound of it, yeah.

Mm.

Can't get your mind off flow speed, can you, you naughty girl?

I was thinking I should, er, I should probably...

Could you check it for me? Excuse me?

The bath. Could you check it? I don't want it overflowing.

It's fine. It's, er, it's about half full.

Could you stick some bath salts in? I forgot.

I'm sorry? Put some bath salts in.

There's some on the side.

Which one? Oh, I don't know. What's your favourite scent?

I don't have one. Pick one for me.

Whatever it is, that'll be my scent. Our scent.

I'd better go. Let you get ready. What did you mean, "Not a feminist"?

I didn't say I wasn't. Well, you kind of did.

No, I said, "I suppose I am a feminist."

I don't really think about it. Oh.

Clearly, we're gonna be arguing a lot.

They'll be pulling us off each other.

So, come on. Explain yourself, young lady.

How can you not really think about feminism?

Could you stop that? Stop what?

You seem to be... What? Undressing.

Well, I'm gonna have a bath.

Fine. I'll leave.

You can't leave on that bombshell. I can't see how any sane woman

wouldn't be in favour of women's rights.

To be fair, you have to explain that.

Please don't speculate on my sanity.

Please don't tell me what I can and cannot think,

and don't ever, ever tell me what I have to do.

Oh, some fire at last. That's what I'm talking about.

HE GRUNTS

God, could you give me a hand? With what?

Cuff links. I'm hopeless with cuff links.

I don't think that's appropriate. They're only cuff links.

"Appropriate." I'd like to hear you say that out in a war zone,

sharing a chemical toilet with 20 hairy squaddies.

Oh, she's done that before. We're not in a war zone.

Yes, you and me, though.

Everywhere is a war zone with us two, right?

You keep saying "us". Stop saying "us".

And can you stop undressing?!

Look, turn your back if you're determined to be a snowflake.

I really don't need to be watched.

I'd prefer it if you didn't, in fact.

Well, say something.

Say what? Something nice!

Stop killing the mood.

Thank you for a stimulating meeting.

I very much hope I get the job

and look forward to working with you and Douglas,

but now I think it would be better if I left.

You can leave any time you want, no problem. Thank you.

But first, women's rights. Discuss. I'm seeing you tomorrow.

This job you want so much is all about having a dialogue,

the kind of dialogue we're having right now,

so tell me what you mean and you can go.

Come on, we're talking. We always enjoy talking.

Women's rights. Specifically women's. Exactly.

Do you have rights? Yes.

Do you have any rights I don't have? No, of course not.

Do I have any rights you don't have? Well, no.

We have the same rights, then, so we call those human rights.

Any other subdivision or category or descriptor is unnecessary,

not to mention patronising and presumptuous.

Good, very good. You are a feminist.

Never said I wasn't. You want equality?

Are you granting me equality? Of course I am.

Huh, I'm confused. How come I wasn't equal in the first place?

How come I needed YOU for that?

Because that doesn't sound very equal to me.

Plenty of places in the world women don't have equal rights.

I agree. What have you done about that lately,

or might that limit where you go on holiday?

Oh, now we're cooking! This is the stuff.

See you tomorrow. Wait, where are you going?

I just heard you undo your belt, and I'm leaving.

What happened to robust? Nothing.

Robust means that I will never mention any of this again

if you don't.

Mention what?

Oh, for God's sake! You don't think I'm propositioning you, do you?

I don't think anything. I'm just leaving.

That's a very unpleasant accusation to make.

I think you might want to think twice about that one.

I'm not accusing you.

I couldn't work with someone who thought that about me.

I'm just leaving. That's all I'm doing.

WHISPERING: Wait, wait, wait. This is...

HE EXHALES

This is silly. I mean, look at the two of us.

We've both been drinking. I haven't been drinking.

You don't have to go. I do, and I'm going!

I'll go.

I am stepping into the bathroom, OK?

I'll change in here.

I'll leave the door a little open so we can talk.

No peeking.

We can talk tomorrow.

No, no, no, you can't leave on that unpleasant note.

Not after an accusation like that.

I won't be able to sleep.

Don't do that to me, Madeline. Don't be unfair.

WATER SLOSHES

HE GROANS

So, are we friends again, Madeline?

Are we friends again?

SHE INHALES Yes.

Good. Can you come a bit closer to the door so I can hear you?

Oh, will you bring my, er, the papers on the table?

Just the ones on top.

Oh, and I forgot my drink, if you don't mind.

SOUND DISTORTS Bring yours, too, if you want.

KNOCK ON DOOR Whoever that is, get rid of them.

DOUGLAS: Hello?

SHE INHALES

Oh. Where's Toby?

Er, he's in the bathroom.

Well, it was you I was looking for, anyway. Come for a drink.

Come and meet everyone.

Listen, I'm not sure this is, er... I'm not sure it's gonna work out.

Yeah, but you don't want to get stuck here with fossil man.

Why don't you...?

Listen, it doesn't matter. It was just a thought.

Why did you come back? No reason.

I'll leave you to it. See you soon, I hope.

I mean, good luck with it all.

Really, best of luck. It's worth it.

Whatever shit you have to wade through,

it really is worth it.

CLOCK TICKS

Thanks.

PHONE BUZZES

Has yours? Yeah.

No, we had one cancelled yesterday. Seriously?

Because... Er...

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah. Just got a DM.

Who from?

Just someone who works for my dad.

Hi. Hi, everyone. DOUGLAS: Hi, Madeline.

Or do I call you Emily?

No, Kirsty. She's Scottish. Yeah, Kirsty.

Oh, hello, Sheila. Come to watch? This is gonna be fun, yeah (?)

Sheila, should we go to the viewing room?

We can watch from there. Sure.

Hey.

Hey.

God, this is ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean, you interviewing me.

I mean, rehearsing me.

Helping me, obviously.

But it's also ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean, how can there be all this fuss about a stupid joke?

CLOCK TICKS

It wasn't a joke, though, was it?

It was a story...

and they all laughed, all those men laughed.

And the story you told them was about me.

MAN: 'OK, studio, here we go. Three...'

BELL RINGS '..two, one.'

Stop!

And I know exactly what you said.

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