Original subtitles

Such a success Live At Six has been. You must be thrilled.

We're absolutely over the moon. Absolutely.

It's been fantastic. Incredible.

There's, er, been a tweet. What tweet?

What's he done now? DRIVER: Told a joke.

A sexist joke. It's all over Twitter.

Douglas, seriously, what was the joke?

It was a wedding three days ago.

I was drinking. Why would I remember?

It was probably just one of your usual ones, yeah?

My usual ones? Your usual misogynist ones.

It's got worse, though. How?

Madeline.

She retweeted the tweet to two million people,

some of whom are press!

Why would she do that? I mean, why?

TOBY: "Don't believe this. Not my co-presenter."

Technically, she was defending you.

SHEILA: 'Or she's saying she no longer wants you

'as her co-presenter.'

Madeline's not like that. Is she? Is she like that?

Babes, nice one today.

'We live in a world where a newsreader's arse

'can push a war off the front page.' Oh, Christ.

And you, my dear, are in possession of a newsreader's arse.

You could get cancelled.

I don't want that to happen, Dad. It would destroy me.

And me.

I'm gonna tell Madeline to take down the tweet.

Douglas. Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline.

How does Madeline always get you back on side? Is she magic?

MADELINE: Just a moment. Madeline.

She's not getting me back on side this time.

I need to talk to you.

THUNDER RUMBLES

SHEILA: No. No! TILSON ON PHONE: 'Why not?'

Because I'm on sodding holiday, that's why!

Yeah, yeah, it's lovely. Well, I think it's lovely.

I can't see three feet out the window.

They said we had an ocean view.

PHONE PINGS I think it's from underneath.

DOUGLAS CHUCKLES

So, either you're telling him or Martin is,

because I'm on holiday.

Because I'm on holiday,

and we're about to ruin a man's life,

and I don't want to have to tell him, because it'll spoil my day...

PHONE PINGS ..and it's already bloody raining.

Of course we have to tell him. It's a bloody headline.

He needs to talk to his wife.

Think of his poor wife, for God's sake.

There wasn't a way to soften it.

He went out and banged another woman.

His choice, his life.

I mean, if it had been another man, we could have done something moving

about him finding his true self - a whole page of rainbows

and photos of his wife looking brave and supportive.

We could've been progressive.

Stonewall would've been off our backs for a whole week.

Then six months later, you'd have run a story

about all his gay affairs and destroyed him anyway.

He'd have had six more months, and we'd have two stories.

Everyone's a winner. Shut up, Douglas.

No, no, no, it's OK. I'm just shutting up Douglas.

So, either you or Martin phone our premier religious broadcaster

and say that God sees all... PHONE PINGS

..and He sent us the photos, OK?

DOUGLAS CHUCKLES

Oh, come on! Do it for me. Jesus.

It's a friend of mine we're destroying.

How do you think it would feel,

personally destroying a friend while I'm on holiday?

I've got a conscience! SHE SIGHS

What does Madeline want? How did you know it was Madeline?

This sucks. What are you gonna do about it?

Well, it's not exactly our fault it's raining.

But it's Dubai. Yep, still not our fault.

I mean, Dubai. We've not been lucky, yes.

What are we doing here? I mean, why here?

They execute gay people, and it won't stop raining.

Might as well be in Scotland.

They don't execute gay people in Scotland.

They don't execute them in Dubai. Gay people are executed everywhere.

No, they aren't. Should I list countries where they're executed?

There's a chance I might know, seeing as I'm a journalist.

Stop it, Dad. Not this again.

No, seriously, would you like a list of countries

where homosexuality's punishable by death? No.

Why not? Because it's racist.

DOOR SLAMS I think that went well.

Because you turned your phone over. Sorry, what?

I knew it was Madeline because you turned your phone over.

You always turn your phone screen away when Madeline texts.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

Well, I don't mean to. Well, you do, every time.

Do you really not know that?

Look, there's nothing... Look, I mean, they're just texts. OK.

I mean, you can read them, if you want. OK.

Seriously?

Fine. Help yourself, read the lot. There's nothing there.

Oh, I'm not reading them, darling. I'm counting them.

No, actually, I'm giving up counting them, there's too many.

We've been here three days.

How many times has Madeline texted you in three days,

while you've been on holiday?

She's my friend, she just texts me. Mm-hm.

How's Bill? Bill?

Yeah, Bill. Your best friend, Bill. He must have texted you recently.

Oh! Not for three weeks, actually. Funny, that.

Madeline likes texting. I don't know why.

What does she say?

Well, it's all there, you can read it.

Thanks, but we've only got the room for another week and a half.

Jokes, usually. Bitching about people.

Mm-hm. What does she say about me? Nothing.

She doesn't even mention you. No, I bet she doesn't.

Oh, for God's sake, Sheila, there's nothing going on.

Nothing, as in what?

I mean, you don't think... I'm almost twice her age.

Oh, and that's always stopped a man, yeah?

Well, it always stopped me.

I don't think you're having an affair with Madeline.

Oh, good, thanks for that.

But I do think she's texting you a hell of a lot.

We work together. You're on holiday.

So are you. How long were you just on the phone?

OK. Yeah, OK.

She texts at lot. That's it, that's all.

That's really all.

Go and talk to Claudia.

About what? Just go and talk to her.

What do I say? I don't know.

HE GROANS, THUNDER RUMBLES

Tell her it rains sometimes.

When? SHEILA ON PHONE: 'Now.'

But we're just about to have our first pre-show.

He left half an hour ago, he'll be arriving now.

He's going straight to see Madeline. You could've given me more warning!

I've been trying. You've been busy all morning.

Yeah, guess what I've been doing? Why did she have to retweet it?

What was she thinking? It's everywhere, it's multiplying.

Jesus, I know. I was up all night tracking it.

So was Douglas. He didn't sleep a wink.

Yeah, well, how do you sleep through existential terror?

It's like having Greta Thunberg standing at the end of your bed.

No. Sorry?

Not Greta Thunberg.

OK. Is there pressure to pull Douglas from this evening's show?

That would be seen as a reaction. It is a reaction.

Yeah, of course it's a reaction,

but it has to be the kind of reaction that makes it clear

we don't think there's anything to react to

and we are not, in fact, reacting to it.

It's a thin line. Is he interviewing anyone?

Yeah, of course he is. Live ones?

Er, yeah. Two warm bodies and Michael Gove.

Anyone likely to bring up the tweet?

It could happen. Then what?

He'll handle it. How?

With wit and charm.

How? Spontaneously. He's got an earpiece.

We're briefing one of our comedy guys to help him out on air.

Which one? I don't know, one of them.

Look, it's just a safeguard. He might need a few zingers.

I've seen him do zingers from his earpiece,

you might as well lip-synch a corpse.

Yeah, well, this time, he'll have good jokes.

There's a bigger problem.

If you mean Madeline, I'll speak to her too.

Hay. The Hay Festival.

Oh, shit. I forgot about Hay.

We've got one week. Fucking Hay!

You gonna talk to him now?

Yeah, I'll see if he's with Madeline yet.

He was furious when he left, absolutely raging.

What level furious?

Jesus, Toby, I don't have a ranking system.

Yeah, but out of ten? Emily Maitlis with an opinion.

Oh, dear God. I'll see if I can head him off.

I'm getting in the lift now.

Get Douglas to call me when he's out. Yeah.

SHE SIGHS

Darth Vader. What?

Not Greta Thunberg at the end of the bed, Darth Vader.

Funnier, trust me.

I wasn't making a joke, I was talking.

Or Jeremy Clarkson. Jeremy Clarkson?

Clarkson. Clarkson at the end of the bed, classic.

How is Jeremy Clarkson a portent of doom?

Oh, angry people love him, post-Meghan.

No, they love him because he's not a portent of doom.

HE SNAPS FINGERS OK!

Jeremy Clarkson and Darth Vader. Comedy doom combo.

Plus, Vader takes the edge off Clarkson's darkness.

Listen, it doesn't matter.

Hey, Greta Thunberg isn't funny. We focus-grouped her.

Sorry, did you actually research

to check if Greta Thunberg was funny?

Yeah. That was literally the question.

Were you surprised by the answer "no"?

In comedy, we never know what's funny.

Is Douglas in yet? Just pulled into the car park.

Madeline? In her office. Thanks.

Let me give you a for-instance - you see, "melanoma" might sound funny...

You have a name? Well, not so much a name.

Sort of just a growing profile,

just getting a bit of traction in the comedy arena...

No. A Christian name.

I'm not Christian, no, er, more humanist.

What do I call you? Oh, Morgan.

Morgan, I need you to concentrate on jokes about Twitter for Douglas.

All over that.

He needs to sound relaxed, witty, a good sport.

Yeah, it's all here. Don't sweat it, baby.

Give me an example.

Oh, no, I prefer to feed my material directly to Douglas.

No, OK, let me clarify my request - give me an example or I'll kill you.

OK, er... CLEARS THROAT

OK, look at me. Sorry, what?

I need eye contact. Give me an example.

No, I need to look into your eyes when I say the joke

so I can see the kick moment.

The what?

It's the moment when the joke kicks in

and it all comes together in your head, a bit like an orgasm.

When a woman laughs at you in bed, that's not an orgasm.

Sometimes it is. No.

Trust me, I...

Give me an example now. Do it.

OK, eye contact established. Yeah, he's cooking now.

Is he ready for comedy? Yes, he is. OK. Yeah. Right, listen to this.

No wonder they called it Twitter - it's full of twits.

Is that it? Has the joke happened? Because I don't think I laughed.

It's not your fault, comedy's hard.

Douglas. Sorry, need to speak to Madeline.

Yeah. Douglas.

"Embolism". Why isn't "embolism" funny? It's got "ball" in.

KNOCK ON DOOR Madeline?

You see, comedy has its own special music.

My jokes can be like a secret code no-one understands except me.

Twitter jokes now.

I just told you a Twitter joke. I didn't orgasm.

Sometimes, you have to tell people they orgasmed.

You really don't.

Is it cos it's called X now?

Cos X is actually a really difficult letter for comedy.

TOBY SIGHS

So, you OK?

HE SCOFFS No.

Don't blame you, I wouldn't be. Grab a chair.

I don't need a chair. Can't have you looming over me.

I don't like it when you're looming. Sit.

I'm fine.

Are you standing because you're cross with me?

No. Oh, good.

I hate it when you're cross. Come on, sit down, park it.

Park it.

Madeline, I need to say something to you.

Good. First, tell me how you're feeling.

I'm fine.

No, no, don't just say that. I want to know how you feel.

And don't you try to hide anything, OK?

Because this is just you and me, talking.

Madeline, this is not about my feelings.

Don't be brave, of course it is. It's about the bloody tweet!

You are cross with me. No. Yes, you are.

No, it's not that I'm cross, that's not the point.

You sound cross. I'm not cross!

Then let's start again, then.

Could I just... What?

HE STAMMERS My hand.

Your hand?

Oh, Jesus. You really are angry, aren't you?

No, I'm not angry! Listen... Then let's talk properly.

It's just... What?

..you always do this. Do what?

With the hands. Yeah. I'm tactile. I'm always tactile.

Well, not with everyone. Lucky you, then.

It just looks... What? ..odd.

Odd? Yeah, odd.

Oh, oh, you mean suspicious. Well, kind of. Yeah.

Jesus, really?

You mean people might think we're... what? Having an affair?

Well...

What people? Blind people? You and me, an affair?

I'm sorry... SHE LAUGHS

You're actually older than my dad.

Yeah, I'm aware of that, Madeline, but sometimes, people, you know...

Douglas, one of us is hot, and one of us is clever,

and unfortunately for you, both of those are me, so...

SHE LAUGHS ..stay in your lane, Romeo.

I know. I... HE CHUCKLES

I know. It just... it just looks...

I tell you what, then, if anyone walks in,

I'll take my hands away. OK?

There you go, all safe now.

KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

Oh, I'm so sorry. No, no, come in.

I can come back in a moment. No, it's not...

There's nothing... What's up, Toby?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Well, when I say nothing, I mean basically nothing

but, you know, the tweet. Ah!

Yeah. I needed to talk really quite urgently

in the strongest possible terms about this tweeting situation.

Oh, you're both looking so cross. Why do men always attack in pairs?

No, I'm not gonna attack you. If anything, I'm gonna defend you.

Oh, I need a man to defend me, do I?

Well, no, no, no. Not defend you or attack you.

In fact, I'm remaining neutral in this conversation.

I'm trying to have literally no impact on anything

that is being said in this room.

To be clear, you're here

so you can "really quite urgently" have no impact on anything?

Yes. In the strongest possible terms?

Thanks, Toby. I think we can handle this.

PHONE RINGS Twitter? More like Twatter.

Sheila? Is he with Madeline?

Yes. Did you get him out?

Well, no. They're talking. It all seems fine.

Either you go in there with him or you get him out.

Oh, shit. Seriously, just get him out.

Yeah. Just a minute.

Are you wearing earpods?

LOUDLY: Pardon?

LOUDLY: Are you wearing earpods?

It's soothing music.

Why? Because of all the shouting!

Do you understand why people are shouting?

Pardon?

SHOUTING: Do you understand why people are shouting?!

Erm...

Social media is a hazard, we all know that.

One wrong word at the wrong moment, you have no idea.

Don't need the lecture, Douglas.

I'm not lecturing you, and I'm not finished.

Tell me how you're feeling.

This is not about how I feel.

Toby tells me you can't even remember the joke.

You and your wine.

I'm talking about your tweet. I'm talking about you retweeting.

Yeah. Had to be done.

Listen, I realise on a surface level,

you were defending me, but the way this works...

Did you actually read what I wrote? Yes.

And? It was... Yes?

Potentially... Yes?

..I'm sure entirely unintentionally...

well, damaging.

No, it wasn't. It was definitely damaging.

Definitely and deliberately.

Look, it was a challenge.

I expressed my confidence you would never say anything sexist,

because otherwise,

I could never tolerate you as my co-presenter.

Right.

So, what happens now is anyone who heard you say anything sexist

at that wedding will now, you know, throw it in my face.

I challenged everyone on Twitter to prove me wrong.

And I'm a famous woman -

half the world gets a hard-on telling me I'm wrong.

And between you and me, so does the other half.

I mean, Jesus, your own wife...

My wife?

So, if somebody heard your dodgy joke,

I'm gonna be the first person they tell about it.

And we need to be first,

because apparently, you can't remember your joke,

and everyone - everyone, Douglas - is going to be looking for it.

We need a head start so we can defend you. OK?

So I can defend you.

What do you mean, my wife?

You read that newspaper thing she supposedly edits?

She actually edits.

If you get a minute,

could you ask her why me in a bikini is a news story?

Ask her from me, woman to woman.

OK, look, the point here is -

the relevant point is nobody's going to be out there

looking for my joke.

Oh, oh, oh, trust me, there will be plenty of people looking.

I don't have that many enemies. Oh, Douglas, sweet Douglas.

Do you know what the rich and the famous have instead of enemies?

Friends.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

No, no, it's fine, come in.

If you're having a private moment...

We're not having any kind of private moment.

Well, if you're sure. Of course we're bloody sure.

Good, good. Sorry about that.

Always have to be careful with... this sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

Now, I don't want you to worry. I'm all over this.

We need to control the spread,

get on top of the fallout, mitigate the impact.

Does any of that actually mean anything?

I'm not forgetting the human element,

because that's what agenting is about, the human element.

Show me human suffering and I'll show you an agent.

Mind if I get a moment alone with my favourite presenter?

Fine. OK, Douglas?

My office? Wherever you like.

Now, talk me through how you're feeling,

because I would like to clarify that my agency has no time

for any sort of sexist humour,

and I personally have always struggled heroically

against the insidious cancer of men...

What are you doing?

Leave this with me. I'm taking care of it.

You do understand you're my agent, not Madeline's?

Who even suggested I should be Madeline's agent?

Where did that idea come from,

when her own agent is probably in the building right now?

Hang on, where is Alex?

Surely he's here helping you at this difficult time?

Tell me he's here, Madeline. Would like me to phone him?

Bently, out. OK...

Some agents forget the importance of their own clients,

but I always remember the little people.

Go back to your office or I'll fire you again,

and this time, I won't change my mind

because you're crying in my garden.

Look, I'm helping you.

Do you know how difficult this is gonna get?

I was up all night tracking it on Twitter.

Oh, you're telling me.

It's like having Darth Vader in your bed.

I'm sorry?

And Jeremy Clarkson. Like having both of them.

Not in your bed, at the end of the bed, just standing there.

Who are you?

And Greta Thunberg, if you like. The three of them.

She's just not funny, Greta Thunberg.

Douglas, your wife wants a word. I'll phone her back.

No, but now. I'll phone her.

He'll call you back. I want him out of there.

They were fine. They were completely calm.

He should be angry with her. He's entitled to be angry.

But every time he's angry with her, she just turns him off.

It's always the same.

He goes storming into work, ready to lay down the law,

and comes home explaining that Madeline was right all along.

How does she do that? I can't do that!

Sheila, please. You don't want them fighting, do you?

What I don't want, Toby,

is my husband wrapped around anyone else's little finger!

That woman controls him, I don't know how, but she does.

SHEILA'S VOICE FADES

So, that's why you did it? That's why you tweeted?

You're saying you were trying to help me?

Of course I was trying to help you. What else would I be doing? OK.

Actually, I was trying to help a whole TV show

you decided to put in jeopardy because you got pissed at a wedding.

But yeah, I'm helping you too.

Jesus, come on. It's me.

It's me!

What, did you think I was just trying to...

trying to fuck you over?

Don't.

Oh, my God, you did. You thought I was fucking you over.

Look, Madeline... Get off me.

Look, if there's a problem here, you created it.

You're drawing attention to something that could've been -

would've been ignored.

The Hay Festival. The what?

The Hay Festival 90-minute interview. Yeah?

They've been researching you for over a month now.

You think they haven't been searching your name

on Twitter every day?

You think there's the slightest chance

they didn't find that wedding story before I even saw it?

The guy who heard your joke - he's gone silent, yeah?

Yeah. No.

He's just talking to somebody else - your interviewer.

You don't know that.

Of course I don't know it, it's just an incredibly good guess.

It's not that kind of interview, it's just a chat about my career.

It's an interview with an industry colleague

who is less well-paid than you.

You're not chatting about your career any more,

you're trying to save it.

So, what we need to do now is prep you for hostile questioning

about an offensive joke you can't even remember telling

but which has endangered the credibility

of everyone you work with.

And all this because basically... wine!

I wasn't that drunk. What was the joke, then?

I don't remember.

Too drunk to remember is "that drunk".

So, what we need to do right now as a priority

is find out what bloody stupid thing you said.

I'm so sorry I'm not just clucking around you like Toby,

or... or being clinically useless like your agent.

So, so sorry I'm actually trying to help.

Fuck you. Seriously, fuck, fuck you.

Say something nice.

I just got accused of stabbing my best friend in the back

because I was trying to help him.

Say something nice.

You're my friend too. Your friend?

My best friend.

You and me, best friends against the world.

That's what you said when I started. Yeah. I know.

You've always had my back, and now I've got yours.

You understand I'm helping you, yeah? Yes.

You get that it's a smart move, yeah?

Well... yeah.

Because I'm going to need your support with Toby.

Toby's terrified of you.

Yeah. And men are always so nice to the women who terrify them.

That always works out well for us.

Look, if people here think my tweet was an attack on you,

if Toby thinks that, then...

..in this office... I'm toast.

You're not toast. I need you to support me.

I do support you. But openly.

I will openly support you.

I mean specifically support what I tweeted.

I will. I'll... I'll tell everyone I'm fine with it.

You don't have to do that. No, I do. I genuinely want to.

Just retweet me.

Just retweet my tweet.

We could do with the signal boost anyway.

How many followers do you have? Same as me, couple of million?

Yeah, thereabouts. I mean... I mean...

HE STAMMERS ..I can see the logic in that.

Great. Mm.

Thanks.

Do you have your phone?

My phone? Yeah, your phone.

Go on, then. Retweet me.

Get my back. Support me.

Erm...

Is it slowing? A bit.

Anyone picking up on it? Any press?

Someone's bound to.

The Hay Festival - Douglas's interview.

What about it?

I heard a rumour. I cannot divulge the source.

Is it Peter? Yes.

What's the rumour? They switched Douglas's interviewer.

They promised us Gavin.

It's not gonna be Gavin. It's gonna be a woman.

Which woman? I don't know...

OK, well, then we're not any clearer.

..but it's a Newsnight one.

Oh, dear Christ.

Sorry, sorry, should've knocked.

Er, Douglas, there's been a development.

The Hay people. Have they cancelled?

Er, no. They are changing the interviewer.

It's gonna be a woman. Which one?

A Newsnight one... Oh, fuck!

..which does rather suggest they might be going a bit,

you know, feminist - no offence. Offence?

So, God forbid, they might wanna talk about the joke.

Toby, sorry. There's... There's been a retweet.

Madeline's been retweeted.

TOBY EXHALES OK.

But it's a big one.

Who?

Yeah. I retweeted. I retweeted Madeline.

It was my idea.

But... we're trying to close this down.

We're trying to end this!

Don't shout at me. I'm not shouting.

I was defending him, why wouldn't he retweet me?

SHOUTS: Because we want this over! Stop shouting!

SHOUTS: I'm not shouting!

PHONE BUZZES Ooh, it's my wife.

I'll step out. No, you don't have to.

I'm sure it's just... Madeline, a word.

I know what you're gonna say. What the fuck?!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Yeah, I retweeted Madeline.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! It would look odd if I didn't.

She was defending me. YELLS: Fuck!

Look, never mind that now.

You were going to get her to delete it.

Well, you said yourself that wasn't useful.

How is retweeting her useful?

Never mind Madeline.

They've switched the interviewer for Hay.

It's a woman.

A Newsnight one. BELLOWS: Fuck!

Toby thinks they know about the joke and will bring it up.

What do you think? I should cancel, shouldn't I?

You're being accused of sexism,

and now you're going to cancel an interview

because they're switching the interviewer to a woman.

Yeah, that could be misinterpreted.

That's not misinterpreted. That's just interpreted.

Now, you tell me why in the name of God did you retweet her?

Because it would look odd if I didn't!

No, it wouldn't. Yes, I think it would.

I really do. Who told you that?

We discussed it.

Madeline told you that. Look, forget the bloody tweet.

What about the bloody interview?

You need to prep. I know.

No, I mean actually rehearse.

You need an interview rehearsal. A what?

An interview rehearsal.

We'll find someone really good, someone we can trust,

who'll give you the hardest time possible,

who'll come at you from every angle.

But you need practice.

Agreed. Bill could do it, or Francis.

Cass... is a bit vegan, but a woman would be good.

Yeah. But listen, Douglas.

Not Madeline! OK.

You keep Madeline out of this. Anyone but Madeline. OK.

Because I swear on my life, you cannot trust that woman.

I know. No, no, no. You really can't.

I know.

Yeah. You say that, but actually, do you?

I do. I really do.

She plays you. She what?

Madeline. She plays you. Oh, no, she doesn't.

You went in today to read her the riot act.

How long did it take her to get you doing exactly what she wanted?

How many minutes before you were doing the exact opposite

of what you went in there to do?

You were going to get her to delete her Twitter account.

Instead, you retweeted her.

She played you. Do you get that? Well, no, I do.

I mean, I do, I get it. Hang on. I'll call you back in five.

MADELINE: You got a moment? TOBY: We've had an idea.

A rehearsal. An interview rehearsal.

OK, so we'll put you in the spotlight

and throw everything at you

till you can answer every question in your sleep.

We get someone who can really needle you, really go for it,

punch you till you learn how to smile and knock it away.

Douglas, take that look off your face.

What look? The answer is no.

I'm sorry? No, I won't do it. It can't be me.

I can't do the prep interview. Obviously not.

OK. Well, fair enough, yeah.

Has to be someone else. Someone good, but someone else.

Well, fine, yeah. Yeah. For the obvious reasons.

Yeah. OK. OK, good.

What reasons? Well, the obvious ones.

What obvious ones? Well, you know. You two.

Just that, really. You two. What does that even mean?

There is... How does one put it?

I don't know, how does one?

You two have a certain... chemistry. A warmth.

A mutual... you know, thing.

I think you'd both find it very hard to be sufficiently, erm...

well, let's say dispassionate about each other.

What are you implying? I'm not implying anything.

We're co-presenters.

We present together, that's all. We're professional.

Of course you are, no-one's saying you aren't.

There's nothing for us to be dispassionate about!

All I'm trying to suggest... Shut up, Toby, he's right.

I should do it.

I will. I'll do it. I'll do the prep interview.

No, can I just...? I don't think... Honestly, it's fine. You win.

I'll do it.

Are you sure? Course I'm sure.

I can give this guy a hard time, right, Douglas?

Erm... PHONE BUZZES

Oh, can I just...? It's Sheila.

You know what we should do? We can use studio B, make it proper.

Let's go talk to Jenn, we'll schedule something.

I'm gonna see her right now. I'll come with you.

Don't worry, I'm all over this.

Hey. Crazy idea - me.

Sorry, what? I'll do the prep interview.

What do you think?

HE STAMMERS

You're my wife.

We've been married for 20 years, it's not the first date any more,

and I'm an awesome interviewer.

How many careers have I personally destroyed -

and not just the proper villains, really good people too?

Why aren't you saying anything?

I'm just absorbing. Come on, this would work.

I can be tough on you.

Who can be tougher on you than your wife?

If there's anyone in this world who can get under your skin

better than me, I'd like to know who it is.

We could get studio B tomorrow morning, we can even record it.

Oh, sorry. You're on the phone.

It's Sheila.

'Is that Toby?'

It's... It's Madeline.

She says "hi".

"Hi" back.

Get me Toby. Is he there? Let me talk to him.

Yeah, well, Toby isn't, erm... I'll phone him. I'll just phone him.

We can use one of the studios, do it properly.

Toby thinks Madeline should do it. Toby suggested Madeline.

And what did you say?

Well, we're only just, er, starting to talk about it.

Douglas. Hm? What did you say?

Well, we're literally discussing right now.

Me or Madeline? What did you say?

Oh, this is good. This is... This is brand new.

This is... This is uncharted.

Basically, you're getting competitive

over who can tear me apart best!

Who's winning?

'Douglas?'

'Who's winning?'

PHONE RINGS

PHONE BUZZES Oh.

Hello, yes? Ah, Douglas. It's me, Bently.

Don't phone back, I just wanted to leave a message of support.

No, this is me, Bently. This isn't voicemail.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

No, I'm here, Bently. Is it, though? Is that true?

It's more of a sort of light grey, isn't it?

'This isn't... I'm here, Bently.' Oh, never mind.

At some point prior to dawn, it's very, very dark.

But... But, Douglas, however dark it gets,

you must always remember that the dawn will come,

that the light will return...

unless you die in the night, but that's never gonna happen.

Well, it is someday, but... let's not get bogged down with that.

Who says you're gonna die at night?

You could die at any time at your age.

On a sunny day on a beach,

just when you're feeling happy and safe.

That's how I'd like to go.

Or in a helicopter. Never been in a helicopter.

It'd be good to get that in before... the end.

Anyway, listen.

I know what you're thinking - all those other scandals,

all those lives crushed beyond repair

by the cruel media jaws of inexorable tragedy.

You're thinking of, erm...

oh, God, whatshisname.

Oh, and that other one.

But... But listen, listen.

You're not in their level of trouble.

You don't have their profile.

Well, you may do after this, but...

Anyway, the point is that for every life utterly destroyed

by this sort of thing,

there's always someone who gets through it perfectly well.

Can't think of any at the moment, but...

Oh, Bob Geldof!

He's never been in any trouble.

He did Live Aid.

Met him once in a Harvester in Wandsworth.

He's a lovely man, despite the brogue.

Angela Rippon.

Met her too at a KFC.

Beautiful woman.

Tremendous grip strength.

In fairness, I made her angry because I jumped the queue.

BENTLY CHUCKLES

PHONE LOCKS

TOM: Ironic.

Excuse me? I was just thinking, ironic.

What is?

Well, you mistaking a driver for a writer.

Oh. You heard about that.

Well, yeah. It was me.

Yes. Yes, I know. Yeah. That's what I meant.

Oh, OK. So, I was just saying, ironic.

You know why? No.

Cos I think I might be a writer. OK.

I'm having lots of concepts. Oh, good.

I'm having a concept for a sitcom at the moment.

Sitcom's dead.

Is it? Yep. Dead.

Well, that's disappointing.

Just had a concept. TOM TUTS

Sorry.

What's not dead? Er, movies. Big movies.

OK, so I should have a concept for a movie, then? Yeah.

You involved in movies?

PHONE RINGS No.

TOBY CLEARS THROAT

Douglas, have you chosen? You have to choose.

They are both prepping to interview you.

Oh.

Oh, OK.

Did you tell her?

Right. Good.

How did it go down?

Yeah, I bet. TOBY CLEARS THROAT

OK, no worries. See you tomorrow.

TOBY SIGHS

I've got a concept for a movie now. Oh, Christ.

Er, sorry, I'm just...

No, it's no problem. It's, er, early stages.

Yeah, of course. Obviously.

So, how's the wife?

Erm...

DRAMATIC RUMBLING, INTENSIFIES

NORMAL SOUNDSCAPE RESUMES

So, we will treat this like a real interview. OK?

No pit stops this time round, we just keep pressing on. OK?

We'll have the recording, we'll review afterwards.

Yeah.

You're really sure about this? Of course.

I mean her.

Yes! OK. Your choice, obviously.

DOOR OPENS

Sheila! Hi.

I didn't know you were coming in today.

DOOR OPENS

Hi! Hi, everyone. Hi, Madeline.

Or should I call you Emily?

No, Kirsty - she's Scottish. Yeah. Kirsty.

Hello, Sheila. Come to watch? This is gonna be fun, yeah?

Sheila, shall we go into the viewing room?

We can watch from there. Sure.

Hey.

God, this is ridiculous, isn't it? I mean, you interviewing me.

I mean... rehearsing me - helping me, obviously.

But it's all so ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean, how can there be all this fuss about a stupid joke?

It wasn't a joke, though, was it?

It was a story. And they all laughed.

All those men laughed.

And the story you told them was about me.

TOBY OVER RADIO: 'OK, studio, here we go.'

BELL RINGS

Stop!

Simon, plotline for a action-comedy movie with sequel potential.

Simon is a man.

No - Martin.

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