Original subtitles

- Hello?

Damn it, Maggie!

Hello?

Hey, Tiny.

Damn, it's been a long time since I've talked to you.

I'm getting ready for a date right now

if you can believe it.

Yeah, it's a blind date that my mom set up.

Some square from her church I'm sure.

I mean, yeah, sure he's a great guy and all,

but probably can't juggle for shit.

I mean, when is she going to realize that I ran away

and joined the circus for a fucking reason?

- Breaking news.

A routine prisoner transport has gone missing tonight.

Authorities became concerned

when the scheduled transportation van

never showed up to the mental health facility,

resulting in the suspected escape of one dangerous inmate

from St. Mary's Maximum Security Correctional Institute

for the Criminally Insane!

Oh my God, are we even safe here?

- Yeah, at the very least

I can have some fun fuckin' with him, right?

And who knows?

If he's cute, maybe I'll even twirl the baton

or juggle the old balls.

I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, I gotta finish getting ready.

Bye, Tiny.

Fuck!

Son of a bitch!

Stop.

- Once again, the baddest of the bitches

are back on the road!

Coming to a town near you to burn the motherfucker down!

What are we gonna do, Laurie?

- To rock and fuckin' roll, bitch!

- What are we gonna do, Nancy?

- I just pulled the World card

and Mercury just went into retrograde.

That's a double whammy of positive cosmic energy.

- Whatever that means, Stevie Nicks.

What are we gonna do, Pam? Pam, what are we gonna do?

- Fuck off, Alice!

- Someone's on the fuckin' rag today.

- I told you I don't want your camera all up in my face.

- I told you I was gonna be doin' this for the band tour.

- Yeah, but I don't want a camera shoved in my face

while I'm jammin'.

- Hey, do you guys know what road we're getting on?

- You're gonna wanna get on to 77,

but it'll be a little while.

- Oh, shit! I think this is about to be our best tour ever!

- What the cards fuckin' say?

- I just pulled all four Major Arcana cards.

I got the High Priestess, the Devil,

the Lovers, and the Hung Man.

- Hell yeah.

- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

- The High Priestess represents the band obviously.

- All right.

- It's a band full of hot-ass chicks.

- That's right.

- The Devil is rock and roll, motherfuckers.

- That's right.

- The Lovers are all the people at our shows

who are gonna fuckin' love us.

- Oh!

- That's fucking right. - Fuck yeah!

- And for Alice, the Hung Man.

- Represents all the dick we're gonna get!

- I forgot to tell you,

the girls get a little crazy on the road.

- What happens on the road, stays on the road.

- I know that's right.

- Hey, I thought you weren't doing drugs anymore?

- Weed isn't drugs.

- Whoa, whoa, hold on, man!

Who the fuck is this guy?

Hey, close crime scene, buddy. What are you doin'?

- Dr. Loomis, Head of Psychiatrics at St. Mary's.

You called me.

- Where the hell you been, man?

You see what I'm dealin' without here?

- Officer, it's going to get way worse

before it gets better.

Believe me, I'm his doctor.

Oh, my God! Vince?

Jeff? Fuck!

Smitty? Did you draw a dick on him?

- It's stickin' out, so I thought I had to draw it.

- The man who escaped from that van is extremely dangerous.

- Yeah, no shit. These guys are dead.

- Yeah, no shit. They are dead.

He's an unredeemable homicidal maniac.

Now he's on the loose,

and I guarantee you there's already been another murder.

- There's been another murder.

- No shit.

- Susan Sosebee, 55 Blueberry Lane.

- Ask dude is she missin' ears?

This guy over here don't have any ears.

- She still have her ears, Kev?

- Um, that's a negative.

- Negative like you don't know, Kevin,

or negative like she doesn't have ears?

- Oh, she has her ears.

But that is the least of her problems, honey.

- Then say that! She still has her ears, sir.

- Copy that. Come on, man.

We gotta go. We gotta go.

Come on, right now.

- You guys leaving?

- Hey, is anybody comin' to get these bodies?

- We can't do this by ourselves, man!

My son's got a youth league basketball game.

- It's my first day.

- Fuck yeah.

Yeah. - Cool.

- You're gonna be all right, right?

- Pam, yeah. Hey, I'm gonna be fine.

I'm done with that shit, okay?

- All right. I hope so.

But we don't need another repeat like last year.

- Pam, I swear, I'm staying clean, okay?

Why do you think my sister's here to run merch and shit?

She'll keep an eye on me, okay?

- Cool. - Yeah.

- Alice had a great idea.

We should all go get matching tattoos.

- All right, what we got here?

- You're not gonna believe this, sir. It's bad.

It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

- 15 years on the job, man.

Nothin' gonna surprise me, bro.

Oh, shit!

Oh, man, what the fuck is that?

- That's a, um, dead lady, sir.

- Doof, get this fuckin' rookie outta here!

Ugh! Oh, shit!

Oh my God! - I've seen worse.

This is child's play.

- Um, worse, how much worse can it get?

She's got a curlin' iron in her fuckin' eyeball!

- Would you pull yourself together, man?

- I'm all right. I'm all right.

Give me a second. Give me a second.

I gotta, gotta find every available unit I got

to get out and try to find whoever did this shit.

- Listen to me.

The last thing you wanna do is get a bunch of cops out here.

You're gonna scare this guy off.

You're gonna drive him into a psychotic rage.

- What the fuck do you mean, a psychotic rage?

Did you not see this shit?

How can he go into any more rage than this?

- You don't understand what this guy is capable of. I do.

I've studied him for years.

He's gonna eat you small-town cops for breakfast.

Eat you, and then shit you out, and eat you again.

- Hey, at this point, we gotta, we gotta shoot to kill.

- No, we need him alive.

- Alive? Why?

H-he's killing people with electronics!

What are you talkin' about alive?

- Listen, you can't just shoot unarmed people.

You're a police officer.

You don't think people are gonna investigate that?

You have an election coming up.

- I don't give a shit about none of that, man.

- Officer, you don't understand.

He has a troubled mind.

A mind unlike any other mind ever written about

in all of psychiatric literature.

We need him detained, but I need him alive.

I've been writing a paper about him

ever since he showed up in my life.

Case study mapping out the intricacies

of his unique sickness.

His name is Edward Greens.

When he first showed up at the institute,

he was rushed directly into the operating room.

He had 20 bullet wounds on his body.

The local police department had gunned him down,

or at least tried to.

They found him walking down the highway covered in blood,

carrying two severed ears

from two different very recent murders.

When the police saw him, they opened fire immediately.

He was able to kill six officers

before they could restrain him.

- Dude, what kind of sick show are we dealing with here?

- Billy Taylor, four years old.

Tommy and Nicky Smith, eight and four years old.

Jamal Gregory, six years old.

Amanda Morton, five years old.

Lisa McDonald, eight years old.

And Timmy Brown, two years old.

Two! The list goes on and on, friends.

It's time for a change.

Our children's lives are in jeopardy every day.

And children are the future.

People don't realize that every minute,

15 children are involved in a fatal accident

that involves a gun.

15 a minute!

That's 21,600 children a day!

And those are real numbers.

- Psst, psst! Now, now, come on.

- This is nothing new. It's America's number one threat.

We need to make the government pass a bill

that will clean up this epidemic.

We're gonna need to raise some money.

A lot of money to do that.

If you would just excuse me for one moment.

- All right, sorry about that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our keynote speaker had to leave unexpectedly,

but, uh, it's okay.

I can, uh, finish the rest of her presentation.

So let me see.

Uh, uh, guns are bad.

- Yeah, they are.

- Um, dead kids, nobody likes that.

But what we do like is money. We need donations.

And I've donated, and I don't even have kids.

- Another one down, one more girl to go.

How you feelin', Nancy?

- It's not that bad.

- Yeah, show me your tattoo.

- Oh. We're The Abortions, bitch!

- You're sittin' like fucking shit, bro.

Let's take a break.

- You want a pull?

- Uh, no, I'm good. I don't really like drinking.

Plus, I'm driving.

- Shit, bitch!

You've got to toughen up if you plan on rollin' with us.

- I don't really see what the big deal is.

I just really hate the taste of liquor,

and I'm not getting a tattoo.

- It's not about the tattoo.

It's about grabbin' life by the balls.

This is only week one.

You got about six weeks of this.

The road has a way of chewin' off soft bitches

that can't handle it.

There's gonna be a lot of fucktards

that's gonna be tryin' us,

and I don't mind doin' most of the dirty work,

but I need to know the bitches I'm rollin' with

can stand on their own two.

You feel me?

- Why don't you like me?

- That's the shit I'm talkin' about.

To gain some confidence.

This shit isn't cute. And loose that ugly-ass teddy bear.

- All right, you're all set. You ready, darlin'?

- Yeah, I'm ready.

Where the fuck is Alice?

- Should I be wearin' a condom?

- Nah, it's cool. I took the penicillin.

- Fuck it.

- Why do we have to go to your aunt's place every year?

- What is your problem with my aunt?

- She's a horny old bitch. For one, she sucks.

- She is a sweet old lady, Bill.

- Every, every year we go over there,

she tries to pinch my ass.

It's ridiculous. I hate it.

She has claws, babe. It hurts.

- It's called rheumatoid arthritis.

- It's called pterodactyl hands, and it's ridiculous.

- Wow. - Remember that one year

she asked me to change that light bulb?

- Yeah?

- As soon as I get up there on top of the ladder,

talons straight through the back of the jeans,

she drew blood out of my ass.

- No. - It was terrifying.

- There's no way she did that.

- That light bulb, by the way, was not even busted.

She was bullshitting the entire time.

She just wanted to get me up there.

- Okay, first of all, she's been single for, like, 30 years.

- Why is that an excuse for sexual assault?

- Just let the lady have a little bit of fun.

Plus, you've got a nice ass, all right? It's a compliment.

- You remember last Thanksgiving?

- Mm-hmm. - I didn't wanna say anything,

but since you're goin' there,

last Thanksgiving, she tried to grab my balls

with her foot right under the dinner table.

- No, she didn't. - Yes, she did.

I didn't wanna say anything

'cause you guys were saying grace.

You were having a beautiful moment for Jesus.

Meanwhile, here came the devil right underneath the table.

She slid her fat foot out of those cheap pumps

right into my balls.

She has bunions, babe. - Yeah, I know.

- You know what it felt like?

It felt like another guy's balls

rubbing up against my balls.

It was, it was incredible.

- What, for, how would you even know

what another guy's balls

rubbing up against your balls feels like?

- Just please say something to her.

- Okay, we'll see.

Is that a hitchhiker?

- Where? - Up there.

- What are you talking about?

- Up there. That's a lady.

She needs our- - That is not a lady.

- Yeah, I think she needs our help.

We should probably stop.

- That's a dude in a dress, babe.

- No. - You need to get

your eyes checked, that's a man.

I'm not stopping. It kinda looks like your aunt.

Maybe we should hit her.

- Really?

- Take the wheel, babe.

- Mm, gotta take the piss.

Whoa!

Never had to take a piss like this before.

God damn it!

Oh God!

- All right, doc, where you got us goin'?

- Well, I have a suspicion

that he's headed to his family's property.

It's just a few more hours down this road.

- Few hours? Boy, you got a license.

- Shh.

- Let's stop and get some coffee.

- Is this the right place?

- Yeah, this is it.

- No one else is here, though.

- Promoters and sound guys are never on time.

- Where are the other bands, though?

- They'll be here. Chill.

- No, no!

We got, we got Pam, dude.

Not only does she shred on the guitar,

but I think she might've killed somebody one time.

- Alice! - What, what?

- Don't talk about that shit.

- Oh! All right, all right!

Let me see what Nancy's up to.

Why don't you give the camera a reading?

- Okay.

Let the spirits hear me and answer these questions of mine.

What wisdoms of the future can you reveal this time?

- Spooky rhymes, Stevie Nicks.

- Hey, dude, that's not fair.

I haven't burned a hole in my nose with cocaine, yet.

Um, this is weird.

It's not good, dude.

- Uh, excuse me?

- Jesus. - Who the fuck are you?

- Um, I'm your big, I'm your biggest fan.

I'm your fan. - Name a song.

- Uh, the, it goes...

Uh, what, what, what time do you guys go on?

- I don't know, we're second or somethin'.

Go buy a ticket or some shit!

- Good job, Pammy.

You almost beat up a retard.

- Hey, what the fuck you guys doin' back here?

Loadings to the front!

- What's with the freaking gun, Laurie?

- It's for protection, Sally.

You never know what could happen out here.

- I mean, you definitely don't,

like, need a gun for that, though.

- God, you sound like fucking mom.

- I mean, you know how I feel about guns.

- What if someone tries to rape or murder us?

What are we gonna do? Talk at them?

Not everybody is a badass like Pam, okay?

- Is that a neck tattoo?

Oh my God, mom is gonna kill you!

- Mom knows half my back is done, okay?

I got it for J.R., all right?

It just makes me remember not to do dope.

I know the key to your heart.

- You must be The Abortions.

- Yeah, we're The Abortions. Are you with Dick Hammer?

- No, I'm William. I'm with the opening band.

Dick Hammer's headlining.

Our band's name is Heaven Couldn't Find a God

the Same Way Grass Knows Where It Grows.

We're an electronic, didn't-know-our-stepdad,

synth, indie, sort of pop-punk, who-gives-a-shit type band.

- Cool. Well, we do rock and roll.

Take this.

- Don't drop it! Use both hands, motherfucker!

- Sorry.

- Take it on stage. I'm gonna change.

- All right, we're here at the first gig of the tour.

How are you doin'? Are you here to see the show?

- No, I own the joint.

- Oh, awesome. Might fuck that guy.

Let's see. Oh, might be a townie here.

How you doin'? - Ma'am.

- Would fuck that guy.

This must be the opening band, yeah.

Uh, I don't think anyone has ever fucked them.

Let's see. Oh, hey, this must be the bartender.

How you doin', sweetie?

- Good, darlin'. How are you?

- I'm doin' all right. Oh, I'm definitely gonna fuck him.

We're gonna need a bigger cunt.

- That fuckin' bitch. Uh, fuckin' bitch.

Stupid fucking bitch.

- So, what seems to be on your mind?

- Well, I've been sleepin'

with my neighbor's husband,

and I just wanna know if I'm goin' to hell.

- Oh, we hope so.

That's a tricky one, though.

- Well, his wife is always gone.

I know he gets bored up in there, bitch.

- It's nice of you to offer your services.

I'm gonna need you to blow.

- Glad to.

- Strong. - I'm good at that, girl.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

What the fuck?

Oh, you some real shit.

- Split the deck.

- Okay. I love splittin' the deck.

- Oh! - There you go.

Girl, don't put no voodoo on me.

- The Emperor. You're pregnant.

- What? Are you playing with me?

- Girl.

- Inside of you right now is the new baby Jesus Christ.

- Girl, I don't play like that, girl.

I don't want that one.

- Oh, and this is wonderful!

- What's that one?

- He's gonna die, and you're gonna take all of his money.

- Oh, I like that.

Oh, you're good! Good.

- Thank you.

- Did it say when?

- It's me. Yes, they're here.

I'm taking care of it.

I'm taking care of it!

I'm gonna make you real proud. See you tonight.

- All right, we got one more song,

and then we'll be seeing The Abortions and Dick Hammer.

We wanna thank the bar for havin' us tonight.

Our next song is called "Napalm Pussy Juice."

First, we'd like to bow our heads

and take a moment of silence for our old lead singer,

Nikki Knockers.

We miss you, slut!

- How'd this shitty band end up on the bill?

- This band?

This band used to be fuckin' awesome.

Their old lead singer, Nikki Knockers,

she'd take a propane tank, stick it in her snatch,

and shoot fire out her pussy.

- You're fucking kidding me, right?

- Oh, no, no.

Real crowd pleaser, too, until, uh, there was a mishap.

- What kinda mishap?

- One night while performing,

the bottle sucked the fire back in, and her pussy exploded.

- No fucking way.

- Yes, fucking way. I was workin' that night.

Where do you think the eye patch comes from?

Her pussy exploded,

the room's covered in blood, vag shrapnel.

She quit playin' music. We book them out of respect.

The band used to be a legacy at this club.

- Pussy blew up?

- Pussy blew up.

- And she survived?

- She's alive, but different.

- I wish my pussy would blow up.

- Oh, fuck.

Baby.

Jim?

God, you're cold.

- You guys wanna do a little blow?

- I'm cool. - I just had one.

- No blow before the show, bro!

It fucks up my vocal cords.

We'll do another shot, though, for the fuck Cyclops.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you for coming out tonight.

Coming up to the stage next, hear it up for The Abortions.

- Oh, shit, we're next.

- So, uh, we gonna finish this later or?

- Um, I don't know. Do you want some of the penicillin?

- Why would I need penicillin?

- Um, uh, I don't know.

Have you seen this bathroom?

- Choo! Choo!

- Where the fuck is Alice?

Yeah. Dick Hammer, baby!

- So, what about you, detective? What's your story?

- What do you mean by that?

- You know, a story, like your life story,

how long have you been a detective?

- Oh! Too damn long.

- Any aspirations of higher positions or-

- Of course.

Nobody joins the force to make detective and tap out.

But I made a couple of bad decisions,

so, unfortunately, I fucked that up already.

- What happened?

- I got a domestic call one night.

Got reports from the neighbors.

They heard a man and a woman screamin',

fightin', glass breakin'.

I show up to the scene, and, uh, just to take the edge off,

let's just say I tapped my flask

before I went inside to handle the call.

- You were drinking?

- Look, man, this shit is stressful bein' a cop.

It's one of the most thankless jobs you can ever have, man.

Everybody's ungrateful. Nobody appreciates your service.

Matter of fact, it's "Fuck you, officer"

until somebody needs some help.

So, excuse me if I take, take a little drink

every now and then, you know,

just to take the stress off the day, man.

- You're right. I can understand that.

- You can? - Of course.

- So, basically, what happened, man, I get to the call.

I didn't hear any more screamin', no more shoutin',

and the house was, matter of fact, completely black.

What do I do? I'm thinkin', "It's a homicide, maybe."

So, I go inside.

All of a sudden, I hear a loud noise.

I see a sudden movement.

So, I pull my service weapon, fire a shot.

Man, I didn't even hit the guy

who was doin' all the damn screamin' in the house.

- Did you hit his son or his wife?

- Yeah, that would've been a little easy.

I shot his dog.

- His fucking dog.

- It wasn't even the right house.

Man, I mean, here I am executin' a full B&E in uniform,

and I take out the wrong neighbor's dog.

They put me on probation after that.

You know that, right? - Yeah.

- Yeah, man, and ever since then,

I've been tryin' to get back

in the good graces of the bosses.

- Well, that's very unfortunate, detective.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Do you mind pulling off again at this exit?

I need to use the phone.

Also, this coffee is doing a number on my stomach.

I need to drop a deuce as well.

- Got to get these bitches back to the house.

- Huh! Already have.

- Who's that?

- That's that bass player bitch.

Yeah, gave her some blows.

She banged me right in the bathroom.

- Rock star shit.

- Didn't even see us play or nothin'.

I thought we'd have to be on the road with 'em

for a couple of weeks before we're gettin' fucked,

but, uh, nope.

They're definitely gonna come back to the house.

- Jay, baby, I'm gonna be fuckin' amazin'!

Tonight, we're gonna make Caligula blush.

- Yeah, we are.

Wanna lick? - No.

- Okay.

- We now have four confirmed murders

that are suspected to be in direct connection

to our escaped psychopath.

If you have any information, please call 1-800-MURDER.

That's M as in murder.

U as in understand you might get murdered.

R as in, "Really, dude,

you're gonna let yourself get murdered?"

D as in don't get murdered.

E as in everyone might get murdered.

And R as in Romeo.

- That was hot.

- Thanks.

- Wanna step outside and smoke? I've got a joint.

- Oh, I gotta go sell merch,

'cause, like, I actually wanna make money on this tour.

Your band next anyway.

- Oh yeah, yeah, but wait. I'm the lead singer.

Dick Hammer?

That's me.

- Oh, you're Dick Hammer, huh?

Well, in that case, I'm here to get sloshed.

- I like joints and dicks.

- Can I help you?

- I know mom didn't give you that locket back.

- It kinda hurt.

What's, what's lube?

- I heard everything, you little whore!

You have ruined this for yourself!

- Mom!

You know what? Don't you worry about it.

Why don't you go over there and run the merch?

Aren't you supposed to be running the merch table?

Isn't that why you're here?

Chill!

- Excuse me.

Hey, man, can I get you to mic these drums?

- Mic the fuckin' drums, this fuckin' guy.

I hate my fuckin' job.

- Uh, mister, Mr. Soundman, excuse me. Hey?

- Mr. Fuckin' Sound. What, what?

- I'm just wonderin' if you're gonna mic these drums.

- Mic the drums, mic the drum, look around you, bro.

What, are you gonna be playing

with feather dusters, princess?

I'll get right to it when I separate your brown M&M's

in the green room.

Is there anything else in your rider? Mic the fuckin' drum.

I fuckin' goddamn roadie for The Nudes for 10 years!

Here I am with this fuckin' bullshit!

- Hold on, let me handle this.

Hey, he says you're not gonna mic the drums.

- Yes, we've been over it.

We're not mikin' the fuckin' drums.

This is a small room. Get over it.

Let me run the sound.

- What about just, like, a kick drum?

- Dude, I'm fuckin' tellin' you.

We do not mic the drums!

Just let me do my job. You do yours.

- Look, I just think it'd be a little bit better if-

- Swear to God.

- You gettin', like, a fuckin' time over here,

what's the fuckin' problem?

- He wants the fuckin' drums miked.

- We don't mic the fuckin' drums.

- There's nothin' we can do to get a,

just, just a kick drum miked?

- Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Fuck no.

We don't mic the fuckin' drums.

- Let me try to work this out, all right?

I'm a reasonable guy, hold on a second.

- That's real cute and all,

but I guarantee you ain't got shit done

that's gonna make me wanna...

Mm.

Mic the fuckin' drums.

- There it is.

- There, you're miked, princess.

- Yeah, I like a girl with a little bush.

- Yeah, the only problem is the crabs.

It's all right, I took the penicillin.

- Okay, that's gonna be $5.

- Hey. - Hey.

- The record, I'll take one. How much?

- That's gona be 10, yeah.

- Oh. Uh, uh, uh, damn it.

- That's a quarter, dude.

- Uh, okay.

- Nice mustard stain, bitch.

Bunch of creepy fucks out here today.

- What the fuck did that creep want?

- I guess he was, like, tryin' to buy a record or something.

- He buy one? - No.

- Ugh. Did we sell any?

- Yeah, one. Yeah.

- That's gas money.

- So, did you hear what the band guys

were talking about earlier at the bar?

- Mm.

- They said something about us going back to their house,

and they were gonna try to have,

like, premarital sex with us.

- No,

I definitely did not hear about this.

- Oh! - I hear the baby girls

are comin' out to fuck!

- Oh, yeah, dude.

Smell my fingers.

- Oh, no, I will take your word for it.

Give me some more of that shit.

- Ooh! Where did you get this?

- Oh, one of the Dick Hammer dudes.

- This coke ain't no joke.

- Yeah, there's way more where that shit came from.

- Wooh!

With a band name like The Abortions,

you know we're not gonna have, like, wear rubber, right?

- Motherfucker, you wear rubbers?

- No.

- I mean, I just kinda have,

like, a really bad feeling, though.

So, if we could just not go back to the house

that would be-

- Hey, listen. We're gonna be staying with them a lot.

So why not tonight, you know?

- I mean, we could, like, I don't know, get to know them,

and then maybe, like, not stay with them tonight,

but stay with them tomorrow night,

and then, I just, I don't know,

I just don't wanna go out to some, like, creepy house

with, like, a bunch of guys that we don't know.

- Okay. Okay!

I'll go talk to the girls

about skipping staying with them tonight.

Just tonight, okay? - Okay.

- Why don't you go get our cut from the door?

- I can't feel my fuckin' face!

- Oh, fuck, who gave you the coke?

And who the fuck gave it to her?

- One of the Dick Hammer dudes.

- Nancy. - More like baby Dick Hammer.

- Alice, you fuckin' know better.

Hey, how would you guys feel

about staying in a hotel tonight?

- Girl, what? Fuck no.

You heard about this house?

- Yeah, but we can stay with them

in the next stop, you know?

Just first night on a tour,

have a girls night, or whatever.

- Hit this shit.

- I don't know if I should.

- It's not H, you know we wouldn't let you do that shit.

- Fuck it.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck it, let's go to fuckin' stabbin' cabin.

- Hey!

- Hey, um, excuse me?

Um, did we, did we make any money tonight?

- Uh, come again, who are you?

- Oh, I'm, I'm Sally. I'm with The Abortions.

I'm, like, their manager, merch girl, that kinda thing.

- Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, I recognize you.

I-I thought you were gonna be a giant pain in my ass.

- Oh. - Um, what you want?

- Um, just checking on our money.

- No, no.

- Oh, okay.

Hey, sorry, can you, like, check again?

Because it's not like it was empty in there.

So, if you can just check one more time?

- Yeah, yeah, sure. - Thanks.

- Let me, uh, let me start over here.

Um, you know, we got production fees.

You know, pay the sound guy. Let's see.

And then we got the guys in the kitchen.

That's another one.

And then, and we gotta keep the water runnin'.

So girls like you gotta go tinkle, you know?

Be sure that's all workin'.

Uh, you know, I-I think I got you somethin'

at the end of the budget here.

One, two, it's two bucks.

Now, listen. You earned this.

You earned this.

Don't spend all that in one place, all right?

- What production fees are you talkin' about, man?

No one did shit, what the fuck are you talkin' about?

- Ah, oh, I said, we, we turned the fans

on for you guys, and, uh...

- I saw you pay the sound guy. There wasn't a light show.

He didn't even turn on the fuckin' drum mic.

- All right, you know what? I never do that.

Right here, in my own pocket, 20 bucks.

You happy now?

- That's not enough.

Why don't you give her a little more, huh?

- All right, you know what? Here, here.

Take it, take it, take it. - There we go.

- 40 bucks, go. Go on, go.

You, too. You, too, bigfoot.

Come on, it's enough.

You know what the fuck is it

with bands these days, you know?

It's all this political bullshit nonsense.

It used to be about the rock and roll, man.

- You want a shot?

- Oh, yeah, give me a fuckin' shot.

The fuckin' Abortions.

I don't have to hear about your fuckin' menstrual cycle

and all that fuckin' bullshit up there.

You remember the good old days

when women would just wander off into the woods

for about a week.

And just start bleedin' all over everything,

and just leave you the fuck alone, you know?

- Yeah, you can't say those kinda things now, though.

- Fuck that.

Ridiculous.

Mm. Mm.

You wanna know rock and roll,

you remember that band Hot Twatty?

- I do. - Those guys

were fuckin' rock and roll.

Watch the bass player take a line off the lead singer's

big, beautiful, glistening, glorious cock

in the middle of a fuckin' set.

That's fuckin' rock and roll, man.

- That's rock and roll. - Goddamn.

- Uh, uh... - Mm.

- Okay. You all right, man?

- Yeah, I'll be fine.

- Uh. - Mm.

- Uh. - Hmm.

- Y-you're not drivin' home, are you?

- No, I'm fuckin' flyin'. - Oh, okay.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah, have a nice night.

- Stupid, fuckin' lousy bitches.

Fuckin' goddamn thing.

- Uh, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

- What are we doin', Nancy?

- Dude, first show of the tour is over

and the cards were right!

It was fuckin' dope, man!

I'm a fuckin' witch, bitch!

- Okay, calm down, Stevie Nicks.

- Damn, dude, I'm not Stevie Nicks,

'cause I haven't fucked every member of the band.

- Fucked me once.

- Hey, man, we don't talk about that shit.

Cut that shit out. Start the scene over.

- All right, all right, all right.

- Dude, first show of the tour is over,

and it was fuckin' dope!

Now we're heading to our first after-party with Dick Hammer!

- Baby Dick Hammer!

Baby Dick Hammer!

- Hey!

- Baby Dick Hammer! - Hey!

- Baby Dick Hammer! - Hey!

- Baby Dick Hammer!

- Yeah, we're gonna party and shit tonight,

but I, like, might keep it really chill, though, so...

- Oh, sure.

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

What are you bitches up to?

- Huh, doin' what we do best, conquerin' the world, bitch.

- Hell yeah!

Huh, I'm tryin' to make a fuckin' band video here.

What is your problem?

- Whatever.

- Seriously, what is your problem?

- I just don't wanna go back to the house, okay?

- You do realize that there will be coke

and dudes at the house?

- Yeah. - You do like dudes,

don't you? - Yeah.

- Oh, shit. Are you a lesbian?

- No!

- Oh my God!

Laurie's little sister is a carpet muncher!

- No, I'm not!

- Alice.

- There's no shame in the game.

I've had my fair share of bush.

- I'm not a lesbian.

- Then what is it? - Yo, leave her alone!

- No, fuck that. You can't fight her fights forever.

You wanna know what your problem is, Sally?

You're too uptight.

- She ain't lyin' about this.

- You wanna know what you need?

You need to get laid, and we can make that happen tonight.

Which one do you think is cute?

- Yeah, which one do you wanna bang?

- I bet it's that big dumb one, huh?

- Dude! Alice!

- What?

- Probably the Black guy.

- Ooh, he's fuckin' sexy.

- He was fuckin' sexy. - He is.

- You know, we're gonna get you laid tonight.

Get her laid.

- Get her laid! Get her laid!

Get her laid! Get her laid!

- Get her laid!

- Hey, uh, welcome to Pump and Dump.

- Hey, how much longer 'till we get up the mountain?

- Not far at all. About five more miles.

Just gonna stop here, get some party supplies,

and be on our way.

- All right.

- We're gonna raise so much hell tonight,

the devil might show up.

- Wooh.

- Sounds like fun. Can I come?

- No.

Wait a second.

You're gettin' the cheap shit?

- Cheap shit for cheap bitches.

- You want me to get some rubbers?

- Nah!

Choo-choo!

- Wooh!

- Look at that big dumb fuck over there.

I mean, he has those big gorilla hands.

Can you, like, imagine him using 'em on you?

- Pam, stop.

- I mean, come on. You know you'll like it.

- I guess he's cute in, like, a lumberjack sort of way.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, how you doin'?

Let me get a pack of smokes and a titty mag.

- Which kind, man? - Uh, let's get a full flavor.

- No, no, no, which kinda titty mag?

- Uh, somethin' with all-American tits.

- Listen, America's a big place,

and this is the Pump and Dump.

We got a lot of titty mags,

so let me ask you a few questions.

You gonna, you like, like, big titties?

Uh, you into the smaller titties?

Uh, you into Asian girls? Uh, you into Black chicks?

- Uh, sure, man. I'm just looking for a titty mag.

I-I don't even care.

- I mean, like, big, flappy titties

or the tater tot nipple, tinier titties?

We got, uh, got the newest jailbait in

if you're into the younger titties.

- Listen, man, I, um, this is gettin' a little personal.

I-I-I just want a titty mag.

- Listen, I got the good stuff in the back,

if that's what you really want.

- Look, I'm not going to a second location with you.

I mean, just surprise me. Just give me whatever you want.

Titty mags and smokes, man. Where are my smokes?

- All right. You know what?

We just got the newest taint in. You look like a taint guy.

We'll put that right there.

And then, uh, you know what?

I'm gonna throw in some, uh, chicks with dicks.

- Uh-uh. - No, no.

I don't wanna touch that again. That's yours.

Uh, your total's going to be $6 and 66 cents.

- Unfortunately, we have no new information

about this bloodthirsty homicidal maniac.

If there is no breach-

- Hey, what the fuck is that?

Y-You can't turn on a goddamn chainsaw in here!

This is fuckin' Pump and Dump, man!

Fuckin' Pump and Dump!

- Welcome to the Dick Hammer Slammer.

Temple to debauchery and sin, y'all.

Come on in. Come on in.

- Hey, I told you guys I had more where that came from, huh?

Yeah! Now who's gonna buy that?

- Oh shit!

- 19, 20!

- So good!

- Oh, my God.

- Try it. - Yes!

- Cheers.

- Hey!

- Mushrooms!

- Oh! - That's the real shit.

- All right. - That's real shit.

- What's going on? - Hey!

- Oh, yeah!

Oh, shit.

- Wooh! - Oh shit.

Oh, damn. What a party.

- Nah, dude. You need to calm down.

You're startin' to freak everybody out.

- Yeah, dude. I think you got a fuckin' problem.

- I know the key to your heart.

- Always stay pure.

- Baby, wake up.

Wake up!

- Always stay pure.

- Get your shit together.

- Comin' at you live with the first after-party,

The Abortions and Dick Hammer

are here to burn the motherfucker down.

Say hi, everybody!

- Hey, these chicks aren't no lightweights, man.

- That's right!

- Oh, yeah. We're not a bunch of little bitches.

- Nah, we're whiskey drinkin', guitar playin',

punk slayin', tough as nails, ass kickin', bad ass bitches!

- Hey, here, you wanna hit this?

Oh, come on! Be cool!

- Oh, come on.

- It's just a little bit of weed.

- She's just our Miss Goody Two-Shoes.

Don't worry.

We're gonna break her in by the end of this tour.

- I'm not a Goody Two-shoes.

- Are you kidding? Yeah, you're a Goody Two-shoes.

You in, uh, editor of the newspaper,

archery club, chess club.

Wait, weren't you even a Girl Scout 'till senior year?

- And that's some Goody Two-shoes shit.

- What's wrong with that, though?

I was in chess club, too.

- Really? - We really wish

you wouldn't tell people that shit, Bobby Fischer.

- Hey, I'm just sayin',

I can't wait to see her break out of her shell.

That's all.

- Mm, yeah.

- Like, archery?

Like, bows and arrows that kinda stuff?

- Oh, yeah. She kicked ass at it, too.

She's really fucking good.

- That's fuckin' cool.

- You should get her to teach you sometime.

- Yeah, I'd love that. - Ooh, ow, ow!

- No, I-I haven't done it in a while,

and I didn't bring my bow.

- You don't have a bow and arrow?

Go get one out of the old cabin over there, man.

There's ton of shit over there, man.

That place is creepy as fuck.

I went over there one time, man, like, middle of the night.

It was just like a presence in this place. It was chilling.

- I was once there, too. This shit was scary as fuck.

I had nightmares for fuckin' months.

- What? - But I'm not, like,

a pussy or anything, you know?

- You know it's a murder cabin, right?

- What? - What?

- A murder cabin?

- Oh yeah! Crazy stuff.

I don't wanna freak you guys out.

- Don't y'all live here?

How do y'all not know this?

- I had this house.

So, I said, "Guys, quit your jobs. Leave your girlfriends.

Move in with me and become fucking rock stars!"

- Yeah! Rock stars!

- Hold on, hold on. What about the cabin?

- I'm getting to the cabin.

My meemaw gave me this house.

I used to come here in the summer.

She would always tell me,

"Don't go up to the cabin on the mountain."

So, obviously I did.

- You made it sure to go.

- It looked like just another rickety old shack to me,

but over the years, folks around the mountain

started to let bits and pieces of the story slip out.

- Some sorta lover came in,

saw some dude bangin' his old lady, shot her?

- Crazier than that. A massacre.

The most savage mass murder

that has ever occurred on this mountain.

- What? A mass murder?

- Yes. You guys sure you wanna hear all this?

- Yes!

- We're not pussies.

- All right.

You ever heard of the Crowleys?

They were a biker gang.

So, the cabin was their clubhouse.

They were into some real dark, occult-type shit, okay?

People said they had sex rituals.

People said that they sacrificed animals.

People on the mountain were outraged.

They were terrified.

The rumor is, one night, some good old boys went up there

and slaughtered them all with a pickaxe.

Cops would have never even found out about it,

except some city guy on a hiking trip

was goin' by the cabin,

he could smell the rot coming from inside.

He just came up on the cabin and saw blood on the porch.

And when he opened the door,

he found a biker impaled through the chest with a pickaxe.

Well, he ran right down the mountain.

The police said it was the most heinous crime

that has ever happened in this county's history.

The newspapers called it The Blood Mountain Massacre.

That cabin's been empty ever since.

Folks around here, they won't go near it.

They say that it's haunted

with the demon ghosts of those satanic bikers.

- We should have a seance, and try and contact the bikers.

- Calm down, Stevie Nicks.

- I'm not Stevie Nicks.

I've never had anyone blow cocaine at my asshole.

- I could do that for you.

- Oh my God! What the fuck!

- What the fuck!

- Relax! Relax, relax, everyone.

It's an old house, okay?

This happens all the time.

Jay, go fix that for us.

- Yeah. - Jay.

- Yeah, go, Jay.

- Jay.

- Uh, you want me to go fix it?

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

- You want me to get out in the dark

after that scary murder story?

- Yes, you pussy!

- Yeah, yeah. - Pussy!

- Come on, pussy!

- Yeah, pussy! Come on!

- Oh, I'm not a pussy. Fuck you, guys!

Fuckin' asshole! - Got you!

- Dick! - Oh, I got you.

- All right, guys, I'm getting outta here.

- We're just getting started.

- Yeah, sorry. I'm gonna take a shower.

- There's towels and shit in the cabinet

if you need one.

- Night!

- Where the fuck are you goin'?

- I'm going to get a beer, fuckin' dick!

- What's his problem?

- Gross!

- Peekaboo!

- What the heck are you doing?

- Hey, chill out, baby. You know you want me, come on.

- No! Get the heck outta here!

- What the fuck?

You know what your problem is?

You're a self-righteous, stuck-up bitch!

- Get the heck outta here!

- Dumb bitch! - Yeah.

- Fuck you, Danny! Fuckin' asshole.

- Oh my God! Oh!

- God damn it. This is Ed strikin' again.

- Doc, I don't give a shit about an arrest.

Whatever the fuck report you're workin' on,

all I know is whenever I see Ed or whatever his name is,

he's gettin' a bullet right between the fuckin' eyes.

- Yeah, fine, blow him away. Just shoot him away.

Where is the justice in that?

This guy needs to be put in a cage and studied.

It's the only way that we can prevent a condition like this

from happening to another child in the future!

- Man, I don't care about the kids or the future.

- What if you were the guy to bring him in? Single-handedly.

Save everybody. Think of what that'll do for your career.

- Hm, that would get me back

in the good graces of the captain.

- Yeah, it's just the big opportunity you need.

In front of your captain, in front of the mayor.

Make the news, the headlines.

I can see it now.

"Small-town cop single-handedly saves town from madman."

- Hey, look, you gotta with that small-town cop shit!

How do I know you just ain't tryin' to use me

to help you so I can bring in this guy

and get your ass a recognition?

- Because I don't care about any of that stuff.

You can take all the glory.

I-I'm gonna get famous off my research.

I'm writin' a book about him, for God's sake.

Look, you might even make a Medal of Valor for this.

They'll give you the key to the city.

- They'll give me the key to the city?

- I'd be surprised if they didn't.

- How, how far do you think they got?

- Come on, let's go.

- Pump and Dump!

- Wait. - Um, okay,

is something wrong?

I thought you wanted to fuck.

- Oh, I do, just not in the hot tub.

Last few times I had hot tub sex, I got gonorrhea.

- Don't worry, I took a penicillin.

- Mm, okay. You wanna take this upstairs?

- Just so you know, I like it rough.

- Oh, shit.

- Get outta here, virgin.

We're gonna need a couple hours.

- 10 minutes at least,

but you can always stay if you want, this is one big party.

- Yeah, I think I'm good.

- Aw, boo!

Mm. - No, wait, hold on.

Let me put on my fuck track.

- Hey, cherry bomb. - Hey.

- You bored with the party, too, huh?

- Yeah, that's why I'm, uh, readin' this book.

- I'm readin' a book, too! Look at that.

What are you readin'? - "Moby-Dick."

- "Moby-Dick?" - Yeah.

- I'm readin' that same book. - No, you're not.

- I am.

- Ooh, what do you got there?

Oh, shit, you are kinky.

Oh, you got the key, right?

- Hey. - Hey.

- I've got a surprise for you.

- I'm not tryin' to fuck you.

- I couldn't get it up if you wanted to.

- Hmm? - No, this is better than sex.

- What is it?

- Come with me.

- Just tell me, what is it?

- I know the key to your heart.

Come with me.

- Mom! - You don't deserve this!

- Mom, that's mine.

Babe, you're so cold.

Somebody help!

Please!

What was that?

- Mm, nothing.

- I thought I heard something break.

- Well, maybe somebody broke something.

- What's in the box?

- This is pretty challengin' for me,

but I'm kind of an idiot, you know?

"Moby-Dick" is hard. Like, real hard.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Pam, I'm startin' to get freaked out.

- I ain't scared of shit.

- Do you like big books?

- I actually love big books.

- Yeah? - The bigger, the better.

- Has anyone ever told you you're real pretty?

- Sweetheart, you okay?

- Do you know what this word is?

- Antelope?

- Like the fruit? - No, like the animal.

- Like the rabbit with the horns?

- Uh, no, that's actually not a real thing, but-

- Huh. - Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

- Um, you don't really seem like the rest of those guys,

so why are you in a band with them?

- I just play drums. I don't know.

I guess I just like to hit stuff with my stick.

- No, uh. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay. Just, just wait.

Um, I just, I really like you

and I just kinda wanna take things slow, so...

- I'm sorry.

- It's-it's so cool, it's fine.

Um, yeah, have you, uh, you seen where everybody went?

Um, you know where they're at?

- They're probably upstairs.

- Oh, uh, what about Laurie?

- She's probably with Freddy. - Oh.

- That'd be my guess.

- I should probably just go check on her.

- No. - It's okay.

I'll be right back, so.

- Oh, he's, she's in good hands.

- Definitely not, I'll be back.

- Okay.

- Laurie, are you serious?

It's the first night, and you're already messed up.

- Mm.

- What would mom say?

- What the fuck is goin' on out there?

Oh, hell no!

- What's goin' on in there?

- There's some psychopath out there!

He's got Laurie!

- But where's Sally?

- I don't give a fuck about that bitch!

- Who the fuck you think you fucking with?

- Sally, get behind me. I'll handle this.

- Sucker.

- Hey, buddy, I don't know who you are

or what you're doin' here,

but you're about to have a Manimal problem.

- Fuckin' right.

- Welcome to the Manimal house, motherfucker.

Oh, shit.

Who are you, dude? What are you doin' here, man?

Listen, we can talk-

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You ladies okay? - No.

- Talk to me, ladies. What's goin' on?

- He killed Manimal!

- Who is Manimal? Is that a dog?

- Get a hold of yourself, girl.

- It's the big-ass dead motherfucker.

- In here? - Yeah!

- Is the killer right here,

right now? - He is dead.

- Shit!

- He was right fuckin' there.

Right in front of- - So, this is not him?

- No! What the-

- Oh, shit. Hey, look, we gotta get outta here.

Come on, hurry up, hurry, hurry up.

- You'll be much safer in here, trust me.

- So, you're just gonna leave us in this cop car

when there's a killer on the loose?

- It's for the best, ladies.

You wanna be safe or what? Just sit tight.

Give us a few minutes.

Okay, it's boom-boom time.

- I think I saw him go towards those bushes.

- Which bushes?

There ain't nothin' but bushes back here.

What are you talkin' about?

- The one by the shed. He's attracted to them.

I told you he was raised in a shed.

- Raised in a shed? What?

- Keep going. - Raised in a shed?

- The fuck.

- This shed, right here?

- Right here. On the other side of that bush line.

- All right, stay on my hip. Stay on my hip.

What the fuck?

- What are you doing with that fucking gun?

We do not use guns!

- Right! We only use knives, don't we, mom?

- Out! Get your dumb ass out of here.

What is wrong with my baby? My boy.

Did that stupid whore do this to you?

Where is she?

Stupid!

- Holy fuck!

- Hail Satan.

We obediently gather today

to summon your dark wisdom and power.

It is here where the prophecy will be fulfilled.

Let the ears of the dead bear witness to our blasphemies,

let the tongue of the dead speak of your wicked glory,

let the eye see what cannot be seen by the living,

let the hand pull you up from the pits of hell

and make your heart beat again.

Hear our call to summon you, my master.

Bring me the locket.

Lord Lucifer, as a relic of true evil,

I present your unholiness with a locket

worn by the wives of Henry VIII.

May all the evil energy attached to them

be used in conjuring your malevolent glory.

Oh, great master of darkness,

it is with the dagger of the dead

that the first blood will be drawn,

made from the stone on which Cain slew his brother Abel,

the same blade that shed the first innocent blood

on God's forsaken earth.

So, it shall shed my blood

to serve as a broth for the offering.

As it was written in the Book of Isaiah,

since thou wast precious in my sight,

thou hast been honorable, and I have loved thee.

Therefore, I will give men for thee,

and people for thy life.

Surrender to darkness, rebuke the light.

Surrender to darkness,

rebuke the light.

- Surrender to darkness,

rebuke the light.

- Surrender to darkness,

rebuke the light.

- Rebuke the light.

- As it was in the beginning, so it shall be in the end.

May the dark cast the light

and let the unholy fill the room.

Lord Lucifer, bless this blood

so we might baptize your unholy womb.

With the power of the seven seals of hell,

I baptize you in the name of the unholy trinity,

the father of life, the sins of the flesh,

and the unholy spirit! - Fuck you, motherfucker!

I'll fucking kill you!

I'll fucking kill you!

- Drink the blood of the dead.

- Fuck you!

- Prime her for the seed of your wickedness.

- No!

Mom, what the heck is going on?

- You have nothing to fear, my child.

Today is a very special day for you.

Think of it as like your wedding day.

- My what?

- You are the chosen one.

- Chosen for what?

- You will be the unholy mother of the Antichrist.

Isn't that exciting, honey?

- Who are these people?

- They are your brothers. They are my children.

You see, Sally, we are just small pieces of a bigger puzzle.

I had your brother here when I was a young girl

because my father was a horrible, horrible man.

He raped me for years, and eventually I got pregnant.

After the birth, I was sent to boarding school,

but I ran away.

I wandered aimlessly until I was welcomed into a new family,

the family of Satan.

I was to be the chosen one!

I was to be the mother of the Antichrist,

but unfortunately, I wasn't suited for that role.

The prophecy says that the mother

is an untouched woman, a virgin.

I was far from that.

The ceremony was attempted anyway.

The devil was conjured into a man

who would lay with me and get me pregnant.

- And that man was me.

And the child to be born was Freddy, my son.

And it's now into his young and virile body

that we will summon the devil.

- I'm psyched about it too, dad.

- Of course, the original ritual was ruined

by this bastard child of yours.

He's not even a part of this fucking family.

He massacred the original clergy

'cause of his poor conditioning.

- It was after that I got pregnant with you girls.

Laurie turned out to be a nasty little whore,

so now she will die and you will fulfill the prophecy.

And I will become the grandmother of the Antichrist.

- You're insane!

- Silence! Kneel before me, my son.

For you.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

What are you doing now?

- You fool! What have you done?

- What the fuck do you think you're doing?

- Ed, Ed, remember who's your little brother, man?

Who loves you, huh? Ed, Ed, no.

Ed, Ed, put me down.

Ed, Ed, put me down! Ed, stop!

Ed, stop!

Mommy, mommy, help me-

- You fucking ruined everything!

- No, what are you doin' to my boy?

- Doing something I should've been done years ago!

Getting rid of this fucking mongoloid!

- What the fuck! - What the fuck!

I can't, I don't know what to-

- And what the fuck do you think you're doing?

- Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

- What are you doing?

- Can't you see the seal has been broken?

I don't fucking need any of you anymore!

Just you and me now, little piggy.

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

You ruined my entire plan.

There's nowhere to run.

What are you gonna do with that?

- Mom!

You're alive.

Mom, you-

- Put pressure on it. Put pressure on it.

I'm so sorry I put you through this.

I truly do love you. Even though you ruined everything!

A gun? You don't have the guts.

You whiny little pig!

- It's gonna be all right.

I promise. We got you.

- Fuck!

- Goddamn.

That went hard last night.

Well, let's see what the gang's up to.