Original subtitles

It must be so easy being Kerry.

You ever seen a blobfish?

They don't hunt for food, they don't chase food, they don't even swim.

They just float around with their big mouths open

waiting for food to waft into it.

And I ain't much better, am I?

I'm just a bit of half-digested kelp,

hanging out of her barnacle-ridden arsehole, utterly miserable,

just waiting for a big fart to release me from this living hell.

You know you need wind to fly that,don't you? Huh?

You need to wind to fly that.

Really?

Oh, that's annoying.

I left the village once.

I ran away to join a cult.

Well, it...

People said it was a cult,it wasn't a cult,

it was called the Sunshine People.

Happy Band.

It was good,

because you wasn't allowed to seeyour family any more and that.

But it wasn't so good,

because they wouldn't let you go tothe toilet on your own or anything.

And then one day, they saidI had to go to the dentist,

because I had a stinking abscess.

So I went off to the dentistand when I'd come back,

they'd all killed themselveswithout telling me.

So that was the end of that.

I come back home.

I still think about them, though. Do you?

# Sunshine people... #

Jackass Club basically started when me and Ker were at school,

just doing stuff like drinking Tipp-Ex and stuff.

Like, doing mad stuff.

Like falling through skylights.

Stapling my ear to my neck.

Drinking Tipp-Ex.

Just mad stunts to make people laugh, basically. Throwing...

Hanging off monkey bars, tillall the blood runs out of your face.

Upside down. That's quite dangerous, that.

I was Johnny Knoxville, you were Steve-O.

Yeah, I was definitely Steve-O,

because I was, like,the maddest one out of the two.

Slugs was the midget.

We just got him to do any mad shit.

Whoa!

That's it.

Jackass Club!

Jackass Club.

We don't care what we break.

CLATTERING

Sorry, Graham! Sorry, sorry! That is so bad.

That camera costs, like, 300 grand,doesn't it, Graham? Sorry.

Because you're not insured for that,or are you?

You are. All right, fine.

Sorry, Graham.

Right. Bit nervous. Don't be. OK.

So, which one do you wantto hear first?

I've got Murder On The Dodgems,

Magic School orThe Happy Ticket Inspector.

Happy... Happy Ticket Inspector.

Right.

The Happy Ticket Inspector,by Mandy Harris.

Ahem.

"Tickets, please," saidthe ticket inspector, annoyingly.

"Blam," went the murderer's gun.

"Oh, no,"said the ticket inspector's wife.

"Blam," went the ticket inspector'swife's head.

The happy ticket inspector stood up,still with his head blown off,

and looked at his wife.

"Why am I not dead?"said the ticket inspector.

"Because we was bothghosts from the beginning,"

said the happy ticketinspector's wife.

"And this isn't just a normal bus,it's a haunted bus,

"because we died in that bus fire,remember?"

"I don't remember, no,"said the ticket inspector.

"It was the same day whatAndy Murray won at Wimbledon,

"ring any bells?"

"Oh, yeah, I do remember,"

said the dead happyticket inspector's ghost.

And then some other twists here.The end.

Lovely, lovely.

Erm...

I like the twist that they didn't...

Well, one of them didn't realisethey were ghosts all along.

Both of them were ghosts. Yeah.

Really lovely. What's the...?

What are the other two?

I've got Murder On The Dodgemsor Magic School.

Let's hear Magic School. All right.

This is just notes for a workin progress. That's fine.

Magic School (Notes),by Mandy Harris.

There were three mates,one is with glasses,

the other one is ginger,the other one is clever.

Plus, one in a wheelchair, butit's not a big part of the story.

They learned spellsand weren't good at first,

but had to keep trying, becausethe teachers kept going on at them.

The glasses one is the main one.

He's the only one who can beatthe bad wizard, even though

he doesn't look like he can do it.

The school looks like olden times,but it is now.

It's now. Mmm.

The wheelchair one dies very early,

so really,it's just the three of them.

Right.

Yes, lovely, I... It feels...

It feels...familiar in a reassuringsort of way, that story.

I think this is a winner. I think it's...

It certainly feels like it hasa winning formula there, yes.

And this is it.

Right here.

This is what?

My flat.

It's grass.

Well, yeah, cos it hasn't been built yet.

Little thing called imagination, Kerry.

Because, look, the front door will be here.

And then you're straight into the living room, you see? Yeah?

On the wall here will be a canvas with Al Pacino from Scarface,

courtesy of Argos summer sale. Nice. Right? Follow me.

You come through, bathroom's going to be here. Walk in.

And you're literally getting punched in the face by the aroma

of lavender, courtesy of my Glade plug-in.

With thanks to Home Bargains. Ooh, I love lavender.

Have you donea recce of the underearth?

Just saying, because you don't wantto be building on a burial site

and disturbing some dead Saxon.

Kerry! You don't. That's a bit far-fetched. It's not.

No, they haven't let me know about that.

No, Kurtan, you don't need to worryabout that. You sure?

You should phone them up. I'm surethey will have checked to see

whether there was any archaeologicalsignificance on this site,

and I'm sure there isn't.

Where's your toilet?

Over there.

Do you mind?

It's not built yet.

But do you mind? Kerry, can you just hold on?

We'll go to the car and get you...

If anything's going to fucking disturb a dead Saxon,

it's going to be your piss. Can you just turn around?

Thank you, I do appreciate it. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Right.

It's not very nice for the builderswhen they come here, is it?

I just... Can I own anything without her pissing on it?

That's so much better.

Could you really not have waited? No.

Sake.

I certainly think that honestyand trust

are reallythe key themes in this story.

I would have to disagree and say Ithought vampires was the key theme.

Well, books is a very new thingto me.

Not so much Kayleigh, because you'vealways been a bookworm.

But I'm just discovering,like, the love for it.

And I'm literally,can sit in my armchair, open a book,

and I'm transported to a differentworld. Which is what I love.

I've been to Narnia,I've been to Hogwarts,

I've been bullied by Snape,I've been on the Hogwarts Express.

I've had the sorting hat on my headso many times.

But not physically -in my mind's eye.

That was so good.

You absolutely just droppedthe mic on that one.

It's such a goodatmosphere at book club,

because everyone's on the samemind link, would you say? Yeah.

Like, everybody likes books,

everybody has really interestingways how they approach the book.

You know. Like, for example,there will be some times

where people will say, "I findHarry Potter quite annoying."

And I'm like, really?

And they explain to me why,because he's quite whingy,

and I'm like, I never saw that.

And now I reread it withthat in mind and I'm like,

"Yeah, he just plays the victima lot."

Yeah, us Mucklowes have beendropping like flies

the last few years.

And we ain't reproducinglike we used to.

Because our females are too lazy. Yeah.

And I reckonif we carry on like this, we've got

about 30 years left till extinction. Yeah.

There'll be no bringing us back withmosquito DNA or whatnot. No.

And I'm feeling the pressure to carry on the bloodline.

Can't exactly leave it to Mr Tumble over here.

Well, you say that, but Mr Tumblehas a net worth of 5.6 mill.

How do you even know that?

Just a sort of rough estimationof all his telly and live stuff.

That actually makes me sick when you think there's paramedics

and nurses out there onminimum wage. Yeah.

But laughter is also a medicine,to be fair.

In a way. True. Very true.

I remember the first time we met the vicar,

and it was when our headteacher, Mr Matthews, made us go round

the vicarage to knock on his door to apologise to the vicar...

Because we'd broken into the churchafter youth club

and we got all the kneel cushions,the prayer cushions, and just

stacked them up like a massive Jengaand then played Jenga with it.

That was my idea.

And I thought the vicar was going to absolutely bollock us.

Like, proper bollock us.

But he just smiled.

He was like, "No worries, guys, do you want to come in?"

We were like, "Yeah, obviously."

And he was like, "I've just beenbaking some chocolate chip cookies,

"would you like one witha glass of squash?"

And I was like, "OK..."

Yeah. And I remember watching him with his little oven gloves on

and his little pinny, just pottering around the kitchen.

And I remember thinking,

"You have no idea the hell we're going to be putting you through."

It's sort of weird, because everyonethat we had met before, like,

teachers and that, had alwayssort of given up on us, but he just

kept coming back and coming back. Yeah. He was indestructible.

He was like Stretch Armstrong.

No matter far you stretch him emotionally,

he'd just ping right back.

Sort of refreshing, in a way. Yeah.

And addictive.

Very addictive.

Even more addictive thanBeehive Bedlam on the old Sky.

And that was, like,crack cocaine to me. Mmm.

You had a real problem with it. Real bad problem, yeah.

Do you think the vicar'sproud of us?

Nah.

He looks up to us.

And I know that for a fact.

You know I started saying ker-ching

when I see things I really want to buy?

Well, I heard him say it at a boot sale

when he was looking at a hand trowel.

He does the same to me as well. Does he? Well, you know...

You lot know how muchI love Swindon, right?

Every time I'm in the car withthe vicar

and we drive past the sign thatsays "To Oxford",

he goes, "Boo!" like that.

And then he looks at me to seewhat my reaction is.

He's sort of showing off to me,in a way.

Do you think he is? Yeah.

Same with me.

Well, you know why he's never

introduced us to his friends, don't you?

Oh, he's ashamed of his friends.

No, because we're his only friends.

Can't exactly introduce us to us, can he?

Suppose not, no.

If somebody told you, when you were,like, 15,

that one of your best mates would bea vicar, what would you do?

Ooh, I don't know.

Go to the police, probably.

My physical heroes areAndre the Giant from WWF...

..before they hadto change it to WWE,

because they were upsettingthe World Wildlife Foundation.

I just really like Andre the Giantas a sportsman,

because of his heightand his strength.

He was taller than any manthat I've ever known.

He had gigantism, which is why he was called Andre the Giant.

So, when he was five, he was 6' 2",

and all his classmates kept thinkinghe was a teacher.

Yeah. He was in a lot of pain, though. A lot of pain.

If he was here now, he'd be taller than the boom.

He would.

Andre the Giant's most famousfight was probably with Hulk Hogan.

It was a hard fight,because everybody was saying,

"Andre the Giant's going toabsolutely power down Hulk."

He didn't. No. Do you know why?

Because...

I found out, actually,after that, that it was theatre,

so they planned that.

So don't put bets on wrestling,for God's sake.

It's a soap. It's like EastEnders or Emmerdale.

They're writing weeks ahead, so they know already who's won Wrestlemania.

Really? Yeah.

And having to tell Ker that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I still am in denial about it,to be fair.

And I'd prefer itif we'd behave as if it's real.