Original subtitles

URBAN GUARD - POLICE GETTING PAID WITHOUT WORKING

ONE IS A BUM WHOM WE SUPPORT WITH OUR TAXES

How's it looking?

There are a few good memes.

- Don't hit like on any though. - No, no.

This shoot will turn things around.

Look meaner! There you go.

Now look nicer. That's it.

More confident. Come on.

Can... Can you guys try to show more confidence?

Not that much, Feli.

Now, a little sweetness, huh? Try to look a little sweeter.

Uh, Joni, show me some sweetness.

More, huh? More.

Mm.

Impossible to get any sweeter than that.

Can you rotate the girl, please?

That's great right there. You look perfect, Sofi.

- Perfect face, right? - Ah, Feli, that's it, that's it.

- A blank stare. I love that! - Can you take mine now?

The minister asked us to really highlight the whole minorities thing.

What do you think?

Edgardo, look that way.

- Relax, everyone. Here, over here. - How about we lose the curls here?

That's good. Yeah, it's gonna look great.

THIS CHARADE IS PAID BY OUR TAXES URBAN GUARD

COMMUNITY SQUAD

Wow, this is a big apartment for just one person.

Well, it was supposed to be for two, but...

House warming gift! Take it, your sister made it.

What is it?

- Try it. It's a stool. Go ahead. - Oh.

Try it, try it.

It's really, really good!

Spectacular!

Don't you think that if you moved this, it'd make the room more comfortable?

But I don't have the time right now.

But you're quitting, aren't you?

It's not dangerous, Mom.

Your shirt has a bloodstain, son.

Right, I'm... I'm having trouble getting it out.

I was going to ask you about that, but my phone's not working.

- Fine, take it off, I'll wash it for you. - I'm sorry, I can't right now.

- Why? We have to go? We just got here. - I gotta work.

- Thanks for the food. - Put baking soda and soap on it.

You can also use bleach and it'll get all the stains out.

- Right. - If you need anything, please call me.

Yeah. The thing is my phone's not working, Mom.

- Listen Feli, about your cell phone. - Yeah.

I had to cancel the corporate phone line.

I wanted to ask if you could give me back the phone too.

We're having a few issues with payments, okay?

- Okay. - Don't tell your mom, or she'll...

- What? - Thanks.

Love you.

- You have my chip. - I'll give it to you later, son.

- Is it so hard for you to take him back? - He's an urban guard, Adriana.

It's just bad luck, it's an easy job. He helps the elderly.

Isn't his apartment a bit weird? I don't know, I don't think he's alright.

- Who is it? - Pest control.

Yeah, I'm looking at it right now.

URBAN GUARD

No, no, of course, I wouldn't do anything without checking in.

Hey, I've got a customer. Can I call you back in a minute?

Thanks.

Fuck!

- Everything good? - Yeah, not now.

Yeah, the drain is right here.

I saw a little one walking on the countertop the other day.

And my girlfriend really hates them. My ex, I guess.

I don't know, it's confusing when they ask for a break.

You gonna get that?

I'm about to start the fumigation.

Listen to me, Doguito, uh, when I told you to take care of it,

I meant do a little research on him. Only that.

Because I'm seeing him everywhere, his face is all over the city.

And the Queen has issued an order, you know?

Although, I uh-

I gotta ask about it just so I know that we're not fucking up anything.

I'd fumigate,

- things would get messy. - No, no, fumigate now, I'm here.

Okay, whatever you say.

So?

Thank you. You're the best, huh?

I'm gonna get some things, I'm late for my therapist.

Oh, you're doing everything, and the living room?

No, be careful with the TV. Careful.

That's it, I'm done.

And the bathroom?

Ah.

I mean my God.

Yeah, I've told you 'bout my sister.

She creates a foam stool and she's a genius.

I worked there 15 years, gone only two days, they take my phone.

Exactly.

Speaking of which...

I feel bad, but...

I wanted to borrow it since you don't...

I'll give it back to you after my first paycheck, okay?

Diego?

Thanks.

Well, just relax now. Yeah?

The investigation's progressing.

We'll catch them, I promise.

So they said it's a cold case now.

Oh, how quickly they forget about martyrs, huh?

- Wait a sec. - Get in there.

- Hey there. Any update on Diego? - Yeah, got a few leads to look over.

You can count on me for anything you need.

I have some of his belongings, so if there's anything...

- Would you look at that, huh? - Yeah.

When we get to that part of investigation, we'll give you a call.

Feli, we're heading out to the park.

- Let's go. - Looks like you got an outdoor play date.

Hey, don't forget sunblock.

- Yeah. - Let's go, kids! Go, go! Come on.

- There's no time to lose! - Now they know we're staying on top of it.

Today, we have a tailor-made opportunity.

A green weekend!

We're here to ensure that it goes smoothly.

They asked for us.

They're tired of the police.

They want to show a friendlier image.

That's why they called us.

And because, well, the Parks and Rec guys are on strike due to budget cuts,

or what they call "trimming"... but that's not important.

No, the important thing is that we cannot afford to miss this chance.

We have to gain their respect.

- Shitheads. - Am I really that fat?

It's just a nice back-and-forth dialogue with the community.

Okay? Don't let it get to you.

- What happened? - I'll tell you about it later.

We're Palermo Division! Let's get out and show them how capable we are.

Why'd they shrink me down?

Go, go.

They shrank me.

No, it's just a visual effect.

Hey, we're holding a drawing.

You can win a sustainable kit

- that includes compost-based toothpaste... - No, thank you.

- Fucking asshole. - Wow.

We're making a great impression.

It'd be nice to catch the prick that's doing this joke on us, huh?

That's just publicity. Some will like you and others don't.

- Try not to get upset. - You look good in that cap, traitor, huh?

Shut up, asshole. I'm an urban guard, not a snitch!

- Yeah, I know who you are, baby! - Dumb bitch.

I'm sorry, but there's a bearded guy who often comes by.

He's a strange weirdo.

- Is he here now? Did you see the guy? - He's here every day,

carrying a spray can, walking around.

Okay, describe him for me.

Oh, his eyes are round, black hair, and a sweatshirt.

He wears a hoodie.

Is this him?

Exactly!

Yeah, that's him.

You know what, you're an absolute angel.

You put in so much effort.

And all alone, you're all alone, poor little thing.

I'm 39 years old, lady. Please don't ever, ever, call me "little".

Whatever you say, hon.

Hey, you're beautiful.

- Hey, man, you can't... - No, no.

Oh, no, no.

- That's right! 200 meters! - Don't be ridiculous.

That guy over there sells chorizo!

- You're all a bunch of vegan fanatics. - You shouldn't be here!

Is there a problem here?

Meat-head over here selling pork shoulder, which isn't sustainable.

If he wants, he can sell his poison on another day, but not today.

- This bully's gotta go, he's crazy. - Shut up, you piece of trash!

- I'm Recycle Man, asshole! - Murderer.

Excuse me, man.

There are places to do... certain things and places for other things.

True, right.

So I'm asking you, please, pretty please, to go and come back another day.

You don't have anything better to do, that it?

This park is packed with drug dealers. Why don't you take care of that instead?

- Well, that's for the police. - Yeah? So what's your job then?

- Huh? - We're watching the mallards.

The mallards?

Okay, right, now I get it.

So mallards need Mr. Guard to feed them, or they'll become wild animals.

He's making fun of you.

- You're an animal. - Oh, dear God.

Do you even have a license to be here, sir?

If not, I have to ask you to leave.

- That's what I'm talking about. - That's very good.

- Thanks. - Good, way to go!

It's clear none of you have actual jobs.

- Yes, that's how we do it. Bye! - That's great, Feli.

- Very good. - Well, it's nothing.

Good job.,

What am I supposed to do with all this now?

Oh, I wanna buy one of those, okay?

- Yeah? - Uh-huh.

When you're done, pick up the petals, okay?

Guys, you cool?

Really great photos, huh?

Recyclable, organic!

- Okay? Listen to Recycle Man. - There you go. Here.

There you go, good.

Where do you put that?

In here! Yeah! Okay!

How about we organize ourselves a little better?

There's where you exchange your cash for "sustain-coins".

And here, put in your order, grab it there and then eat it over here. Are we clear?

It's nothing. We just need a little organization, that's all.

- You're killing it man, yeah. - Just doing my thing.

Think you're ready to learn a nice trick.

- This is how you pin someone down. - It hurts.

Yeah, that's the point. It hurts.

Some say this is more effective than guns. I prefer a pistol.

- I agree. - Very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it alright that I stop you both?

- We gotta go to a hostage situation. - Yeah.

I won't bother you then. It's important what you're doing here.

- We're going. - Yeah.

- Let me try a little. - No...

Ah, the paint is still wet!

Stop it, why are you so obsessed? They didn't paint your face, look.

I look like a criminal with a bad goatee.

Why wouldn't I be obsessed?

Because he pities me, he can't bully me. That's it?

Come on, draw something on me, man. Look at how stupid I look in that!

The one there has no paint. Maybe he's tired.

There's no way he's tired! He's just taking his time.

But he doesn't know about the one thing I'm really good at.

Sitting and waiting.

I wanna be done with the drawing and just go to a poetry jam.

I don't give a fuck about the silly drawing, okay?

I'm waiting for this guy to show up.

Fine, baby, when you're able to chill, just text me then, you got it?

- Where are you at? - Watch out!

- Careful! Careful, hey bro! - Oops!

Look at all that mobility go to waste. Genius, huh?

Hey!

Beautiful.

Shh! Come here.

- What? - Come here!

- What? - Look.

LET'S RECYCLE! LET'S HELP SAVE THE PLANET

Look, look. Watch that guy.

Take this. Look. Same guy, right?

That's the guy vandalizing the posters.

It's him, right?

- You think? - Yeah, 100%.

Wanna help me out?

At least he should apologize. I'm sick and tired of being taken for a fool.

Okay.

You go from the front, and I'll go in back.

Move on him like pliers.

What-what's a plier?

Tac, tac!

What's up?

- Everything okay? - Yeah.

- Good. - Oh, hey.

Do you recognize us?

Al Pacino and Stephen Hawking.

- And who is Stephen Hawking? - Can I ask for a favor?

Will you open your bag so I can check it out?

You've got a search warrant?

Man, look, all we want is an apology. Okay?

It's one thing to do street art, which we completely respect,

and another thing to insult us, get it?

I have no idea what you are talking about, man. Beat it.

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey, hey! Dude! Hey!

What are you, crazy?

Hey! What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey! What the...

- Thanks. - Are you insane? What's wrong with you?

- You dropped this, man. - Check if he's got a spray can.

You can't go through my stuff. Stop it!

No. No, no.

He's got a couple cellphones,

a little cocaine, a lot of molly, but no... no spray cans.

What are you, a dealer, moron?

- What do we do? - Take him to the station.

- Someone get in trouble there? - Quiet, just keep painting, alright?

That's it.

Beautiful. Really good.

Move, lemme see.

My friend is gonna love it.

- You guys are weirdos, huh? - Shh.

Draw another penis in her mouth.

Freeze! Freeze or I'll shoot you!

- Thanks, dude. - Sure. Anytime.

- Yeah. - Hey, I took a little bit.

- I don't know if... - It's fine, don't tell.

- No? No? - Don't tell me. Just go.

Appreciate it.

I already told the cops.

They were at a barbecue, but no way they'll believe this.

You won't get a pat on the back for catching me. I'm just a freelancer.

Wanna tell us who your boss is?

I work for Woppy.

Do you take pride in your work?

Better than what you guys do here.

At least I provide a service. I'm not living off the State though.

I don't mean to disrespect you.

I appreciate what you do. You're very brave.

Ooh, a service?

A service?

Alright, let's see what kind of service.

Alright, uh...

- Well... - Mmm. Mmm.

You call this adulterated shit a service?

I'm sorry, but I don't think you're my target customer.

Ah, because I'm handicapped, I know nothing about drugs?

Do you know how much codeine, Tramadol and painkillers I have in my blood?

I know. I'm sure you had a very tough life, I apologize.

No.

- It wasn't that tough. - My bad.

But, I do know enough to realize a few little things like, for example...

...that this stuff you're selling is complete shit.

- You snort funny. Do you want a bill? - No. I like it bareback.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, boy.

This is very bad.

It's really bad.

Is this what you want your children to use?

Huh? Just work with us, okay?

Give us a name. Okay?

- I dunno, uh... I dunno. - Well, you gonna speak or keep quiet?

Huh?

Powder.

Hey, chill out, bro.

If you don't... if you don't want to talk,

we're not going to force you, okay?!

I mean you can...

you're free to do whatever you want, got it?

Oh man, what are we doing? Good urban guard, bad urban guard?

- I bet you're the good one. - Know what?

- Hey, no. - I've had it with you. You pissed me off.

Do you need help there?

No. Everything's crammed in here.

Okay, what's going on here?

Nothing, we're just interrogating this guy that was selling drugs.

All good? How's it going?

What is this? Are you insane?

Hey. No, we can't be doing this. We're not the police.

- Yeah, it's obvious. - No, man, we are urban guards!

What... what, what's so...? Wipe your nose, Feli.

- What's obvious? - Nothing, that these guys aren't cops.

- Is it now? Wait. - Mm-hm.

Violence gets you nowhere, guys, so-

- Exactly! Don't use violence! - But violence...

- Don't ever use violence! - Alright, enough, Feli! Okay.

But, sometimes, there are other methods that can be helpful.

So then, here's what we're gonna do right now.

I'm gonna ask you to take this pencil and draw a tree, a person, and a house.

Go ahead.

And how's that helpful?

Enough.

No. Okay.

Oh, wow.

What's wrong? Was daddy not around much?

I'm sorry, but can we get a real officer to interrogate me?

We'll be done and you can go back to getting paid without doing work.

- Ah, without doing work. Alright. - Yeah.

No! Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

- Who's your boss?! - Stop!

Come on! Who do you work for?

- Stop! - Describe that Woppy guy.

I don't know what you want me to say! He's bald, got a scar on his forehead!

- He's about 50 years old! - What is this, Miguel?

Uh, we were just interrogating this male subject.

He was in the park dealing narcotics.

It got a little out of hand. The guys got carried away...

Are you nuts? It doesn't work like this.

There's a D.A., a procedure to follow. And this...

is an illegal detention. You have no authority for this.

You are municipal employees.

They did a full search.

We could get a complaint for this. For abuse of authority.

Now, thanks to you, we have to let him go.

We were onto him, Mike. He sells the best blow on the block.

For seven bags of blow, you fucked up our investigation.

Alright, uh...

I'm gonna go now, guys, so, thanks!

Listen up.

For your sake and for this division, you're suspended.

- No. - Next time, you're out.

Alright. Okay.

I have some pork in the car, four or five...

- You're really high. - Huh? What'd you say?

I gotta say you're really funny when you try to act like a badass.

We make a good team, you and I, huh?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

HOW IS SEX WITH A PERSON IN A WHEELCHAIR

PREGNANCIES RISE IN ORGIES IN REHAB CENTER

"COME FUCK ME ON MY WHEELCHAIR" A REVEALING INTERVIEW

COME FUCK ME ON MY WHEELCHAIR

Hi!

- All good? - Yeah, checking emails.

Emails? You shut that quick.

- What's going on? You're all good? - Yeah.

Yeah, everything's fine, thankfully. Fine.

- You showed up unannounced. Good. - Yeah.

No, I tried calling, but your number's out of service so...

Huh, right, it's just uh...

I just uh, switched to another company, ya know?

I got a new phone too.

- Want something to eat? Not hungry, but... - No, don't bother.

I brought your car keys, I'm gonna grab the toaster.

- Oh! - Okay?

Okay, but... but what's going on?

It'd be nice to know what we're doing with this break. Like, uh...

Are we gonna break up for good or try again?

Um... let's break up, that's fine.

Or we could give it some more thought.

No, no, you're right. Let's just split.

Okay, then, you know what? I'm gonna ask that next time you come to my house,

you ring the doorbell and give me a heads-up.

But why's it your house? I'm the one who found this place,

I signed the lease, and I'm staying over at my sister's small condo.

Okay. If you wanna keep it, just tell me. No big deal. I'll find somewhere else.

Alright then.

- So you want me to leave tonight? - Yes.

- You really want that? - Yeah.

It was just a suggestion! You don't have to take it literally.

- Ah, no! Well, if you could... - No, it's fine! I'm leaving tonight!

Not a problem. You want the couch too? Just keep it!

- Oh, well, great. - You wanna take this?

It's yours, I don't even know what that is.

It's a Styrofoam stool!

- I don't get it. - It was made by my sister!

- She designed it! - Ah.

It's from my dad's factory!

You can have my mom's food too, it's in the freezer!

Great, yummy, thanks. I can't wait to eat your mom's food.

Oh yay! And you know what?!

I moved the furniture around to make the space more cohesive!

Ah, fuck my life!

I swear I really paid attention. There were no pigs around.

But these two showed up, in like a gas station uniform.

A handicapped chick and a freaky skinny dude who looked kinda dead.

They kept asking me who I worked for.

And what did you say?

Nothing really.

But they were nuts.

They took all of our blow and criticized it as well.

They're right though. Honestly, I'd prefer not to sell crap.

- I have a reputation to uphold. - "Nothing really"?

Define what's "nothing really."

Well, uh, you know, what I meant is, it's just...

Gabriel, this Urban Guard guy is a problem.

He's messing with us.

Mm. Thanks, Mom.

I'll speak to Paula.

No, no, don't bother.

So we better go now.

I have a spinning class tomorrow at 8:00, okay?

Okay.

GREEN SPACES