Original subtitles

Previously on Call Me Fitz.

Time to blaze in some Christmas cheer.

My memories of this old clunker are far from fond,

they're the very things that set me on a course

to change the world.

That's why we're going to destroy it.

The O-cinerator.

It doesn't just destroy used cars,

it repurposes them into low carbon emitting

fuel for the Omobiles.

Ali, I'm finally hitting the big time.

I should have made these changes a long time ago.

You will be visited by three goats.

That's not right.

This is Melody Gray, ghost of Christmas Present.

I'm the ghost of Christmas Past.

Let's do this.

Pat Childs has been secretly plotting to

usurp your family for years and years and years.

You want to understand a Fitzpatrick,

you gotta become a Fitzpatrick.

Here we go.

Yes! Yes! Oh!

Welcome, my dear Fitzpatrick family

to my last will and testament.

My beloved family.

When you see this, I'll be long gone.

Scored myself a sweet little time share in Fort Lauderdale,

I'm outta here in the morning.

But one day, I will be gone for good.

That's why I'm making this video.

But first, a confession.

This may come as a shock, but I did NOT make my living as

a professional footwear model.

Rather, a model of another sort.

Triple anal.

That's me.

So while growing up may have been somewhat unconventional

I was able to make a few choice investments along the way.

And, my dear family, I've hidden my fortune

in our first family home, which you will find in-- oh.

A will is not a will without a little rum

for my nog.

Shit, empty.

Hold on my dirty little boys,

I'll be right back.

Grandma Alice, you can count on me

to honour your dying wish.

What?

Hey that's...

Oh no.

Not the basement.

No no no.

Don't go.

Don't go there.

[scream and crash]

At least you didn't suffer.

It hurts.

It hurt's you ungrateful fuckers,

somebody save me!

It hurts!

Oh, oh, you make it hurt so good

Ouch.

[♪ ♪]

♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪

♪ With out you

♪ Without youuu

♪ Without you.

Isn't it exciting?

Our elves, our "O-lves" busily decorating?

Hitting up the holiday guilt angle.

I like where you're going with this.

Did you know we're giving O-mos away to the faithful

so they can transport themselves

to a brighter future.

What, is something wrong?

I'm allergic to Christmas music.

Especially when it involves whales.

Richard.

Richard you're drying out.

Detoxifying.

The evil is leaving your body.

I'm fine.

Don't focus on how you are.

Focus on who you have become.

Tomorrow the world will know you

as Richard Childs.

Be strong, I know you can do it.

Ok.

Which reminds me.

I've got something for you.

I was going to save it until tomorrow,

but I can't wait.

Hand sanitizer?

Clean hands, clean mind.

Mr. Childs.

Here is the menu for the party this afternoon.

Right.

Larry, drunk?!

What are we doing here?

You promised me a stripper.

No stripper.

This is an important family meeting.

Family meeting?

You said this was gonna be

a poker game.

I was told it was a skinny jean swap.

I had to resort to deception, for we are here

to save Richard's soul.

Soul?

He barely has a liver.

You know what, I'm out.

No but this is an emergency.

The only emergency is in my pants.

Hey.

I told you if you were going to pierce your

Tiny Tim you should've gone to a professional.

Which would've made a great Christmas present,

but why break with tradition?

Excuse me, I thought we were talking about me here?

Can we just focus?

Unless no one wants to hear about

Grandma Alice's fortune.

That's right, I know all about the money Grandma Alice made

during her A-S-S Love Alice days,

and I know where she hid it.

But first, you gots to help me.

I kinda like this new Larry.

He's so... masculine.

What?

He's kinda cute, too.

Kinda.

Tell me about it.

Ya, ok, I know what you're doing here,

and I am NOT going to fall for it!

For today marks the birth of a new Larry,

who's only weakness is porcelain figurines

and ticklishness.

Cough it up, Larry.

THE HOME!

SHE HID IT IN THE HOME!

Is there an attic?

Her mattress, her mattress!

Somebody get me an axe.

[♪ Tidings of Comfort and Joy ]

Cousin, we have created a

den of Sodom.

We?

I believe it was you that wanted to

"kill the Western infidels one half-price bourbon at a time."

We have pushed, but they have

pushed harder with their bear-like claws.

Maybe it's time for a rethink.

You know, I used to be just like you guys,

all sober and shit.

You know what?

It's way more fun on the other side.

Once you get a taste for it.

[♪ Joy to the World ]

Here you go.

Please, don't hit me!

What the hell are you talking about?

You don't recognize me?

I recognize the bargain you're about to get.

This is my ex-son's crap, I'll give it to you for

20% below book.

Money never changes hands here.

What's the front for?

Speak easy?

Bordello?

Opium den?

Such a kidder.

It's important to keep a sense of humor

during these dark days.

Hey - I do know you...

It's also important to remember the

first tenant of charity:

thou shall not hit a volunteer who is helping

alcoholics, drug addicts and prostitutes...

Hookers, why didn't you say so?

Sign me up.

Another booze-soaked drunken daddy call.

I know you can do it.

Merry sober Christmas Fitz.

[eerie laughter]

It is eighty-six per cent alcohol.

[laughter and coughing]

Sanitizer slammers?!

I'm in!

Oh well.

We can always do rat poison.

That stuff is killer.

You see what I did there?

Whole play on the ghost thing.

Boo-cause your rules of mortality

no longer apply in the spirit world.

Josh!

You've gotta kill more than brain cells

to be a ghost.

Ah, but the night is young.

So dude.

I have come here to warn you.

You've been targeted for termination.

What the fuck are you blabbering about?

Cyber goat dude.

[bleats]

Traveled back in time to kill you.

Shoots horns out of it's lasers.

It feeds on human souls...

and oats.

Fucking ghost of Christmas future!

Good thinking, ya.

Maybe he can help you defeat Cyber goat.

Oh and one more thing.

Most importantly.

You can't forget this.

What?

What what Josh?

What's the most important thing?

Ha ha ha later dude!

Fuck.

[old fashioned horn sound]

Fuck me.

RICHARD.

OH RIIIIICHAAAAAARD!

How many times I gotta tell you.

IT'S FUCKING FITZ!

What do you WANT?!

I thought you'd never ask.

Grandma Alice?

It's Ass-Love Alice to you.

We Fitzpatricks call it like it is.

Look, wherever you're planning on take me,

I'm good.

Scary future, blah blah,

I get it.

No Richard.

For as long as you continue on this path,

your life will be dominated by the twins

underneath my cloak.

Oh Jesus, Grandma!

Don't turn away.

This is the path you've chosen.

Touch grannie's Titty Tassels.

Ah come on!

Do it.

Now!

Ah god.

[♪ Joy to the World ]

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

You see, Fitz?

Goodness is a slippery slope.

Buy yourself a little something special, sweetcakes?

Looks like the same old Ken to me.

Maybe, but he's been doing this with a number of

the prostitutes, three of whom are using

the proceeds to better themselves.

Pretty soon, there will be no more hookers.

No more hookers!

Well who's going to lick my candy cane?

[laughs]

Without hookers, he drinks less.

Without drinking, he saves more for charity.

And bit by bit, the Ken that you

once knew will disappear.

Hey, I can't control the actions of morons.

He taught me that.

You still don't get it, do you?

Merry Christmas.

Grannie's tassel, pumpkin.

You have got to be kidding me.

Two things I don't do, golden showers and kid.

Now go on, look.

It's me, right?

Dead and forgotten.

I get it already.

Listen to your grandmother!

Now look.

Fine.

Estelle Weathers?

Who the fuck is that?

The bitch that got my burial plot.

Remember?

You threw me in a compost bin and put my ashes

in an ice bucket.

Right.

Tassel?

Who gayed up the place?

It's your future, Fitz.

Christmas, ten years from now.

Another rousing session of lovemaking!

I love it when you cry.

Pat Childs and my mother?

See what you've done?

Oh you can look away.

But you can't hide from this.

Do I look like I need to summer in Majorca?

The lattes suck.

Say hello to Baby Fitz.

Without the voice of dissent in his life,

he's turned into an entitled douchebag.

Do something, old man!

Attaboy.

What's he got brain cancer or something?

Worse, Richard.

He's found god.

And god taught him to love even

little Larry Foxley.

Larry Foxley?

That's right.

Your beloved Ali found herself

a new life partner.

Dot Foxley?

Girl on girl.

Fitzy like.

The love of your life leaves you for a woman,

and that's what you take from this?

Hey, I look out for numero uno, okay?

Way I see it, the future looks

pretty good.

I sit at the head table, right?

Dream on Fitzy.

Thanks to Chester's relationship with Meghan,

he's blossomed into a powerful lobbyist

who's helped to pass new legislation banning

the sale of used cars.

You're shitting me?

That elf-felcher couldn't pass gas.

He's changed, as will you.

Oh, and Chester married the next heir to O-Mobile Corp.

Fine.

But we're still raking in the bucks, right?

And I'm still the VP.

Cushy job and easy money?

Come on help me out here!

Oh I'm helping you out, I'm introducing you to

your new boss!

Ah ha, ah ha, yup.

Her superhero-like ability to suck the crazy out of others

rendered her indispensable during negotiations.

Ok, I've seen enough.

Get me outta here.

Nuh unh, you don't get off that easy.

Someone's missing.

No. No.

Larry!

Richard, buddy!

[in unison] Awww. Besties for life.

Nooooo!

Hey, hey you.

What day is it?

Why, it's Christmas day.

Suck you off for a dollar.

I'll make it five if you can track me down

a bottle of Wild Turkey.

Biggest one you can find.

Fuck you.

[snoring]

[smash!]

Whoa!

Whoa... goats.

Goats!

There is nothing in this house.

Oh jeez.

There's no fucking treasure in this

shithole house, Larry.

What did Alice say?

Exactly.

Well, she said she hid the treasure

in the first Fitzpatrick home.

And then she died.

Horribly.

Oh, you moron.

Pat and Ken didn't move in here until they were

thirteen years old.

Oh.

Well we could always ask Ken.

Like I want to ask that sack of ass anything.

I was always Grandpa's favourite.

Find.

My.

Daddy!

Ok.

Oh I missed you.

[♪ jazzy Jingle Bells ]

[laughs]

Down, down.

What the fuck are you all looking at?

Ricky.

Are you responsible for replacing our

Holiday Beluga Singalong?

Deck my balls, jingle-beard.

This place needs a little Frank.

You're not behaving, you're ME-having.

This from a guy who writes a bunch of

cheques he can't cash then cons the public

into thinking he's a saviour.

Where's the fucking O, you O-mo?

As Frank says, from now on,

we're doing it my way.

Starting with getting my Grandma's car back.

Merry fucking Christmas!

I told you these are free.

Where's the fun in that?

The fun is in knowing that you've helped

those less fortunate.

You promised me hookers.

You're such a kidder, Ben.

Hookers.

Good day to you.

Ken! You need to help me save your...

Richard.

I'm done with that kid.

Not mine.

Never was, never will be.

So go roast your chestnuts on an

open fire.

No but, he needs you, Ken.

We all do.

Blood or not, he is the only son

that you will ever know.

That kid doesn't give a shit about me.

Think of the gifts he bought you

through the years!

What about Christmas, 1979.

Pack of smokes.

But he got the brand right didn't he?

I guess the little fuck did know me.

Ya.

But, it's too late.

Nothing, NOTHING will ever

change my mind.

What about cold, hard cash?

[sighs]

I will tell you about the money

when you answer one question:

Where was your first home?

Suck my two lumps of coal.

Ken, this is enough money to get you

and the dealership back on track!

Why won't you answer me?

Because it's painful, assneck.

What?

You think I enjoyed watching my mom blow guys

from the backseat?

Well, maybe I enjoyed it a little.

But do you think I enjoyed enjoying it?

Sadly yes I do.

Our first home wasn't a house fuckwad.

It was a '52 Elwood-Classic.

Betsy, the family car.

I want my car back, Childs.

Richard.

I'm afraid it's too late.

You don't intimidate me with your eco bullshit,

your sweat wicking turtleneck,

your George Lucas beard.

We're all in this together, Richard.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a future to launch,

with or without you.

What the fuck are you talking about Zamfir?

Really?

You think this is going to stop a Fitzpatrick?

[in unison] Oooooooooo

What the fuck?!

Back off.

Everything you've ever wanted in a

socialization acceleration mobilitator.

Hey.

Can you turn that up?

Welcome to the Christmas Day launch of the mobility device

that is about to change the world.

The O-mo.

Get out of my way, you fucking freak.

But, I'm helping our mighty overlord provide

tofurkey and dressing to his faithful denizens.

Mr. Vince, there is no time for fun,

or the rapid loss of grey matter.

You need to let us in so we can save Richard!

And get my fucking inheritance!

The O-pocolypse has come!

I call unto ye SWARMING ARMIES OF GAHOUL!

Wow, elves!

Merry Christmas.

Nice suit.

Lainey, I -

Am a lying sack of shit who keeps ruining my life

over and over again?

I am who I am.

I did look in the mirror, like you said.

Guess what I saw looking back at me?

Ken fucking Fitzpatrick.

It's all I got, Lainey.

It's all I ever had.

You remember Christmas, 1982?

Not a bloody thing.

93 to 99?

Ah... No.

Ya, me neither.

I guess we'll just have to keep on trying.

Yuck.

Meghan, you're the only one who can help us.

The only one Chester will listen to.

That's right he'll listen.

Listen.

I am your mother fucking celestial bride,

where is Pat Childs?

Where is he?

We have to get in there?

Let us innnnnnn!

Please make it stop!

Just go.

Alright, let's go.

Hi, I'm Josh.

I gotta... hey, wait up, hey.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Chanukah.

Kuwa na Krismasi njema,

and seasons greetings

to all children of Earth.

From our family to yours.

Hello?

Hello!

Goddamnit why can't they hear me!

Why listen to the past when they've already

bought the future.

The O.

Everything you've ever wanted in a

socialization acceleration mobilitator...

Fuck you, Childs!

and more

And don't forget the Ocinerator...

Oh there he is.

Oh Richard, Richard.

Move it wheels.

I got ya buddy.

I never thought I'd be happy to see you.

Hey guys.

Cool headphones.

Whoa, a time machine.

Fuck these guys, let's go.

Nice of you to join us, Kenneth.

So nice to see that you're still a

giant sack of gay.

You think you can steal everything I've worked for?

Worked for what?

The used car is a blight on the planet.

Just as you were a blight on our family.

There he goes.

Colonel cock sock, trying to pretend

our family is something other than a bunch of

alcoholic party hounds who earn their cash

the honorable way.

On their backs, and under the hood.

Our mother would be rolling in her--

- Ice bucket!

If she could hear you talking trash like that.

She was a whore, but she was proud of it,

and we're still the same sons of bitches

we always were.

We are indeed!

Sorry, I thought I had something.

You tell him... dad.

That was then,

You guys wait here.

and this is now.

He's right, old man.

My whole life has been a lie.

Ahh... umm...

Pay no attention to the man behind

I am Pat Childs, CEO of Child's Corp,

inventor of the O-Mobile!

It doesn't even exist.

It never did.

It's been caught in R for years.

But it will exist!

The road to tomorrow is paved with the

ideas of today!

Face it, you son-robbing twinkle-twat.

Your O is a big, fat zero!

So we're not getting a free car?

It's not a car!

It is a socialization acceleration mobilitator!

It will make the world a cleaner, nicer place!

A real Fitzpatrick calls it like it is.

You're no visionary, and nice is bullshit.

We're still just mama's dirty little boys.

So what's it gonna be, Uncle Pat?

The bottle in your hand, or the bottle in mine?

Huh?

I am not a dirty boy.

And I never will be.

Whoah!

Time machine!

Oh my god.

That stinks.

That's gotta hurt.

Pussy.

Sooo, this might not be the best moment,

but do you wanna maybe get a coffee sometime?

Fuck off.

You didn't say no.

[alarm bell]

What the fuck's going on?

What the hell?

Aw fuck.

On no.

The car.

Josh, you think you can get old Betsy started?

I'm on it!

Come on Josh.

How do you stop this thing?!

You don't.

He's got about twenty-eight seconds.

Shit kid, hurry up!

This is it, Josh.

This is your chance to pass auto shop!

I'm trying!

Goddamnit.

Come on, our fortune is in there,

it'll be Ocinerated.

Come on Josh

Oh god oh god oh god.

Come on let's go.

Come on, start the car.

The spark plugs were just dirty.

Come on Josh.

Hurry up buddy you can do this.

And the air filter is made out of

solid gold.

The battery, the engine, it's all gold.

The stolen wedding rings!

She melted them down.

Mom came through in the end.

Fitzpatrick or bust, baby!

We're rich!

[cheering]

I know my purpose.

I'm a mother fucking mechanic.

The best fucking mechanic I know buddy.

Hang on.

[car engine starts]

[old fashioned horn]

[♪ Bing Crosby's White Christmas ♪]

There.

Just like daddy.

You got plans, Devon?

We do now.

Come on.

[♪ Bing Crosby's White Christmas ♪]

The salesman was back, a man you could trust.

His breath sweet with bourbon, his eyes full of lust.

And I heard him proclaim, all giddy and merry,

Happy Fitzmas to all, and to all--

FUCK OFF, LARRY.

[♪ and may all your Christmases be white ♪]

[♪ ♪]