Original subtitles

Previously on Call Me Fitz.

I think with time, you and your new cousin

could become quite close.

Sounds like your father is embracing the

idea of bringing the family together again.

You should too.

Embrace Richard?

Get to know him.

Oh ya.

It's like we're one.

Ya, it's like I'm fucking myself.

I think it's time we told everyone the truth.

I am your real father.

Paula is...

My sister.

Face it, the dealership's done.

Everything this family touches breaks.

There's nothing good about the Fitzpatricks.

Fuck.

You're nothing without Fitzpatrick Motors.

We're nothing without Fitzpatrick Motors.

This family wouldn't exsist without

Fitzpatrick fucking Motors.

Our father would like to offer you a job.

It would give us a chance to work together

as brother and sister.

Get off my property.

Maggie Murphy.

Let's run away together Maggie.

Start over.

Fuck my family.

But first you.

You didn't leave me for Elaine.

You left me for your family.

For your son.

Hey Childs, it's Fitz.

Listen about that job offer.

We should talk.

In the pre-owned auto industry, we tin slingers have a saying:

When life hands you a lemon.

You give that baby a fresh coat of paint and dump it on

the nearest sucker.

Thanks so much Mr. Fitzpatrick!

Same rule applies to people.

Put on the right coat of paint.

Find yourself the nearest sucker

I'm Pat Childs.

And you're good to go.

Trust Fitzy on this one:

It's not what's inside, but what's outside that counts.

Now remember Richard, don't be nervous.

This is going to be just as awkward

for your father.

He's not my father, dipshit.

Just 'cause he donated some ball

paste doesn't make him my old man.

But he did offer you a job,

and youhave accepted.

Let's see what's on the table for Fitzy first.

Just walking through that door is a

step in the right direction.

Oh Richard, my heart is beating so quickly.

You're going to fit right in!

Oh, sorry sir.

Argh! My eye!

Eventually.

[♪ ♪]

♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪

♪ With out you

♪ Without youuu

♪ Without you.

This is exciting, I'm getting tingles.

Brother and sister.

Father and son-- Mr. Fitzpatrick, Richard.

No, Rick.

Let's stick with Fitz.

The family united.

The circle of life.

Circle. O.

It's kismet, Ricky.

Fitz.

I want you and your sister to work as a pair.

I want a fluid exchange.

Get inside each other.

Way ahead of you pops.

You see Ricky, we're taking the

"car" out of car bon emission,

which leaves us with "bon",

or French for "good".

Now I want you two to deliver that good

to our next O-Mobile focus group.

Together, great.

Oh, and here's a l ittle light reading.

Welcome aboard, son.

You start tomorrow, nine sharp.

A. M.?

Our accountant has given us one week

to turn our finances around or the

consequences will be dire.

The Lady?

What does she know?

She does not have a penis

with which to think, hmmm.

Hey! Who do I have to blow to around

here to get another drink?

It is his fault.

The Aged One has not paid us

one single rupee.

Wha? I wan' a bottle, a glass,

and you two to fuck off.

Your tab, first.

All four thousand, two hundred and

thirty dollars and eighty four cents, now.

Okay, please.

What's the point?

You two cactus crammers will only

lose it in this dump.

You got no beer nuts, your menu's

garbage and look at these pussy drinks.

Pink Lady?

Appletini?

Gin?

We are attempting to increase our

factor of hipness.

Fuck hipness.

You want to make some real money?

Get some real men in here.

Cousin, the wrinkled man's breath may be

foul but his words are sweet.

So? Where does one find these "real men"

of which you speak?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll get you two clowns back into

black if you tear up my bar tab,

and let me drink for free.

[♪ ♪]

So, when we last met you were having

conflicted sexual feelings

about your cousin.

How's that going?

Well, I tried your coping mechanisms--

Oh good, nice.

- And we slept together.

Well good news is first cousins are

legally allowed to marry.

He's not my cousin.

Thank god, because that would be, you know.

He's my brother.

Listen, toots.

You need to reprogram your

intimacy response.

Next time these feelings come on,

try to think of something unpleasant.

Do you have any phobias?

I do have a strong

aversion to meat and meat by-products.

My father and I are vegans.

Well we'll tackle your father another time.

Actually, don't tackle your father.

In fact, all physical contact

with relatives is, you know, out.

Larry, gimme two ham on whites.

Ooh, and some of that zing sauce.

This is so exciting;

Richard's first day on the job,

Josh's work placement.

The entire Fitzpatrick clan

is finally finding their life's purpose.

Don't forget about me, lunch lady.

I get a break from this stupid ankle

thingy to look for a job.

Then you too shall be the beneficiary

of a nutritious lunch.

Weeee!

I got all three food groups represented

right here, ass mallet.

Actually, there are four food groups and

not one of them involve alcohol.

In fact, drinking is frowned upon in the

corporate establishment.

That's fucking retarded.

Nor can you say words like F-ing,

S-ing, or anything in the 'tard family.

I think I know how to handle a bunch of

mooks in slacks.

No, they play by their own rulebook.

This is not Fitzpatrick Motors.

Maybe not, but it will be.

Welcome.

So, where's my corner office?

Ah! You'll notice we have no rooms

here at O-mo; we're all family.

Mr. C.,

still riding the nectar?

I sure am, friend.

Alright.

I have no idea who that was.

So I just sit in a brown beanbag in

the middle of the fucking room?

No, I do.

The ball and mat are yours.

For what?

To change the world, Ricky.

It's Fitz.

Shall we?

And this is our test room.

Each month, we introduce a new

component of the O-Mo to a select audience,

with hopes of growing a viral campaign.

This month we're previewing the

Ergonomic Posture Cockpit,

which comes fully integrated with

social networking capability.

For a little downtown action

I hear you.

Your somewhere you fear.

A butcher shop,

surrounded by ribs, and ground beef, and tripe -

What the fuck are you doing?

Sausages.

Huge uncircumcised sausages.

Hold on there, sister.

That sibling action was a one shot deal.

Well okay, three shots.

Who am I kidding.

Let's do it.

Woah, Woah, Woah; I think we need to

lay some ground rules.

Cousin is one thing, but banging my own

sister-- that hurts the Fitzy brand.

Our new manly look is sure to attract

clientele of the burliest nature.

Finished our new drink menu.

Bourbon.

Exactly.

What else have you got?

Oh, the bounty was rich, Aged One, come.

Giant rusty anchors from the days of yore.

Eye patch,

chains,

leather bullfighter vests.

And this saber, sheathed in an

authentic Mongolian yak scabbard.

And let us not forget our

piece de resistance,

our manliest find yet.

The Great Grizzly of the high north.

The most feared animal of all.

How's does this fit in with the

nautical theme?

[♪ ♪]

Wait!

And the legend of the Sea Bear begins.

Well Lookie lookie lookie here,

if it isn't my fellow O-lympians.

Good work out there today, boys.

And girl-- haven't forgotten about you.

Alright, see ya later.

What up Lar?

I dunno.

So, how's the first day going

Mr. Professional?

This is horseshit.

Where's the fun, where's the thrill

of slinging tin to some dope?

All I've got are blue balls,

and a bunch of shapes on a page.

Well here are some more shapes.

And a few words.

It's the unabridged version.

Yeah it's full of work place tidbits -

like the history of the O's Waste

Management program, and the rules you

need to follow so as not to activate

your firing clause.

What firing clause?

Well contractually you need to follow a

set of rules or you can be expelled with

a full severance package.

Are you saying I get a sweet payday

if I get my ass fired?

Which means you would miss out on your future!

So let's review the O-Mo rule book,

shall we?

Rule number one; absolutely no

alcohol on the premises.

Rule number two; employees are

responsible for the comfort

of their adopted greenery.

Rule number three;

sexual harassment will not be

tolerated under any circumstances.

Richard?

A word.

You gonna severance me, pops?

The only firing going on is the fire

you've ignited in me to get you help.

What're you saying?

Let me make it perfectly clear.

Does the stone lay on the earth,

or does the earth cradle the stone?

There is nothing you could do to make

me fire you, son.

Nothing.

[♪ ♪]

What are you doing here?

And where's Richard,

he should have been here by now?

What does it look like I'm doing, dipshit.

I found a job.

This is just a test audience.

All you get are cookies.

And how many cookies did you earn today, Larry?

Oh, zero maybe.

Uuuh!

Oh excuse me, pardon me.

Welcome to the O-mo focus testing everyone.

please find a seat.

Everybody, if you would just please

take a seat!

Front row! Front row!

Take a seat!

Ok ok ok.

Well, um, ladies and gentlemen,

it seems like our esteemed host who

is normally quite prompt is running

a little behind, so let's get this

show on the road.

Woooo!

Behind this curtain, a feast for your eyeballs!

Tah dah!

[gasps]

Dinnerand a show.

Right? Right?

Is that what the o is for?

It's one thing to have carnal

relations with your first cousin,

but with your SISTER???

Half-sister.

She's also a Virgo,

my most bang-able sign.

What happened to

"hurting the Fitzy brand?"

You can't even abide by your own rules!

Yeah, well rule number one:

I get enough of the brown happy sauce in me,

and rules no longer apply.

She's your SISTER!

Listen, I fucked my way into this problem,

and I can fuck my way out.

And because of this, guess who's about

to get sacked with a nice golden handshake.

Pat Childs is a good, kind,

and decent man, who also happens

to be your father.

I hope you can stomach the pain

in his eyes.

[laughs]

Who's the man of the hour!

You!

Did you not see what happened?

I didn't have to!

But I do know you two banged this one home!

This is what it's all about.

Getting to that next level.

Nice and deep.

What the fuck you talking about?

Exactly, Richard.

Did we just open a door,

or did the door open us?

Eighteen months of consumer tests and

we've never had such positive feedback.

Just listen to this!

"Gave me a massive woody."

"I came in my pants."

"Fast, messy, sick!"

Wasn't that fast.

I don't know what you two did up

there, but I've never seen feedback

like this before.

"I could hear the banjo playing."

Okay, that one's a bit confusing,

but overall these are off the hook.

Wow.

I've been trying to turn the heads

of the Kobayashi investment group

for months.

Guess who contacted the O-Mo after

reading these comments?

If we get these gentlemen to climb

on the O-Mo train, we'll have the last

piece of our financial puzzle.

Oh, Father!

They're flying in tomorrow, and

Richard is going to get them on board.

Wait, why would Richard be getting

them on board?

Because, tiger lily,

he's our ace in the hole.

All these months we we've had the vision,

we've had the team,

but we were lacking edge.

With Richard, we finally have that.

Wait, my chair, what are you doing?

Giving my newest protégé a throne,

honeysuckle.

You always loved your bouncy ball,

didn't you my little milk thistle?

Giddyup.

[laughs]

Who else do I have to fuck around here

to get my research?

Here you go, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Just like our father ordered.

Easy there, sister.

Wait am I sensing a little 'tude?

Nonsense, brother dearest.

In fact, I spoke to father

and told him that you were the one

behind our "focus group."

You told our father I took you from

behind in the focus group?

Listen, 'Fitz.'

I'm an Oxford graduate who

doesn't touch alcohol.

I speak four languages,

and have a double M.B.A. with honours.

You, on the other hand, are a drunk.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I have not worked my entire life to have

my legacy stolen by a degenerate inbred

who takes advantage of his own sister.

If that isn't the pot calling the

kettle a hypocrite.

Long as I've got my research,

Fizzy'll get er done.

Good.

Because you're on your own.

Bro.

Well played Wise One.

It looks as if your plan might work.

What'd I tell you?

Not a pussy in sight.

When did this place turn into

a queer palace?

We don't need his kind here.

What the hell does she know,

calling me a drunk.

Oh, Hi!

What the fuck's up your ass?

Oh what?

Nothing.

Just hanging out.

Oh sandwiches, look.

Ooops! Dropped something.

Are you trying to make me toss my cookies?

What?

No, I'm trying to sleep my way to

the top, asshole.

I need you to put in a good word for me

with Pat Childs.

I'll make it worth your while.

Ugh! You're his sister!

Half-sister, dick-cheese!

Just like what's- her-tits!

What's good for the goose is good for

the other goose.

It's the mother- fucking principal.

You know, Richard you're not angry

at Paula, or Meghan, or me.

You are angry at yourself.

Yeah,

for letting you in my fucking house.

Look, the O-mo has quarterly profit

projections in the millions.

And you, Richard Fitzpatrick,

are not giving it your all.

She knows that place from the inside out.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

You Stop drinking!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Booze has gotten me through

some pretty hard times.

Booze.

Hard times.

Did you even see the connection?

You have a chance to make billions,

to do something really special.

Look, you want to make good on this

presentation, Mr.?

You need to face the music sober.

Even if I do lay off the sauce

for a few hours, how am I gonna pull

a fast-one on those won-ton investors??

Neither one of us know

a god-damned thing about the O.

No.

But we know someone who does.

The O-Mobile.

The O-Mobile is based on a unique

heliocentric design that enables a full

range of dynamic motion.

Can we say poly- gyrational gimbles?

No.

Oh, but yes we can.

Now-- Hey, pay attention.

I worked hard.

Now if you will flip to Figure 30

in Appendix C, we will take a quick

look at the O's

patented wheel tread construction.

which of course mimics the foot pads

of the Amazonian tree lizard.

Oh My God! Oh his right -

Well played, cousin.

You have honored our makeover with flags

of the two manliest nations on earth.

Guinea.

Who trade women like cattle.

And Chad.

Who have wisely kept the vaginal ones

from accessing its education system.

Cousin, is it just me,

or does our bastion of manliness

seem too cluttered?

Your instincts are sound, cousin.

We must unite these stripes of honour

into a single flag that we can

call our own.

[♪ ♪]

At last, cousin.

The natural order has returned.

Not a single woman in sight.

Their feminine agenda cowers in the

face of our stout- hearted virility.

This is no longer a bar, Cousin,

it is a cave.

are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes! We will rename our bar "The Cave."

Oh, I will go you one further.

The Bear Cave!

Yes!

It's a full range of dynamic motion

thanks to it's patented Gy - "

It's a full range of dynamic motion

thanks to it's patented Poly -

Richard, the mountain before you steep.

You can still return to base camp.

Back off, pan-flute.

I've got this.

I know that.

You're my son.

I have complete faith in you.

Ah. Konnichiwa please come in.

Konnichiwa, thank you, please have a seat.

Konnichiwa

Whatever the case, Richard.

I'm your ballast.

Your bastion of calm.

Please.

Ring-a-ding ding, baby.

Good afternoon.

My name is Richard Fitzpatrick,

and I'm here to tell you about

O-Mobile Incorporated .

[heaving]

What's the matter, Larry?

You don't like the horror show?

Shouldn't you be with your father?

Don't you mean Fitz' father?

I thought you didn't drink.

All these years of herbal tea this and

hormone-free that.

What's the point? The world is going

to hell in a hand basket anyway.

But your father will save it.

Father's not who you think he is.

You wanna see something, Larry?

Uh-uh.

[♪ ♪]

Okay, the 0-mo, inspired by

paleolithic engineers,

is based on a unique heliocentric,

single track design, enjoying a full

range of poly- gyrational gimbles.

The O-mo is impact absorbent,

and of course, fully-integrated

with social networking capability.

Introducing a revolutionary new

phase in personal transit for the

modern urbanist.

The O-mo, designed for the

world of tomorrow.

Oh My!

Elaine?

The Sniper!

The fire!

Every bad thing that has ever happened to

the Fitzpatricks.

All father.

And in conclusion, the O is infinite.

The O is eternal.

The O is the Future.

Thank you.

[clapping]

These came in for you.

Son.

[♪ ♪]

WHO NEEDS WOMEN!

[cheering]

Oh, the Pasty, Aged One has

delivered his end of the bargain.

And so, cousin, shall we.

[♪ ♪]

[coughing]

[car horn]

"You are a drunk."

"You need to face the music sober"

[♪ ♪]

"You're my son,

I have complete faith in you"

[♪ ♪]

Oh no!