Original subtitles

Previously on Call Me Fitz.

Where the fuck are all the cars?

They were repossessed.

All you've ever done is fuck me.

I fucked you?

You you you, you love each other.

I think Richard is acting up because

he feels abandoned.

By his mother, his father, his son,

and now you leaving makes it worse.

Ya, ya what he said.

Someone on this strip is trying to

fuck our dealership.

Mr. Childs told me that he's Ken's

long lost brother?

I could have been Mrs. Pat Childs.

[manic laughter]

Well fuck me.

If you we're plowing her with Burbon Sours

then that means you...

Fucking proposed?

Oh ya...

No european country prohibits marriage

between first cousins.

We are not doing shit until you tell me why

your brother is here.

I think it's time we told everyone the truth.

Richard, I am your real father.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

So that means Paula is...

My sister.

Wait a second,

so Ken's not my real father?

[crowd gasps and twitters]

When people lose something, they find ways to

fill the void.

Sometimes with a business opportunity.

Who needs a son when daddy's got game.

Come on, fuckers!

[♪ ♪]

Sometimes with therapy.

This is all the family I need.

[♪ ♪]

And sometimes with a pathetic attempt

to make up for lost time.

My father - our father would like

to offer you a job.

You tell douche beard he can't

buy his way into my life.

We'd start you at 120,000 Richard

And it would give us a chance to work together,

as brother and sister.

In case you change your mind.

But somewhere along the way, he'll be faced with a choice

that will define who he is as a man.

Get off my property.

Real men stick to their guns and find

their own path.

Real men know if you play your cards right,

the world is your oyster.

[car horn]

You're a fuckin loser Fitz

Fuck.

[♪ ♪]

♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪

♪ With out you

♪ Without youuu

♪ Without you.

[♪ Sad jazzy horn music ]

What the fuck do you want?

The secret is heart.

[♪ ♪]

Oh my god, the hot dog is right.

Maggie.

[hammering]

Ok, Richard, is this

really necessary?

Get off my ass, felchy-smurf.

Every time your mother

abandons the family,

you tend to--

Not want to talk about it.

Don't don't look at this as a loss,

look at it as a gain.

Now you got two daddys.

Who are both lying sacks of shit.

Face it, the dealership's done.

Richard, you've worked your

whole life to build this dealership.

What are you going to do for money?

Don't worry your freakishly-shaped

head over it.

Fitzy's got a plan to put us back

on easy street.

Fuck! There's gotta be something

worth pawning in this shithole.

S'up?

What are you doing?

Looking for the cat.

We do not have a cat.

And mystery solved.

You are welcome.

You want to look for something,

look for something I can sell.

Oh hey, what about this?

Never.

That is a priceless memory of

Richard's father.

Ex-father, dick-drool.

Yeah, Larry.

Wait a minute.

If Ken isn't your father then that

means that we are.

Friends, Josh.

I knew it, you big tall bastard.

Legacy is not about blood,

it's about nurturing.

Think of Grandma Alice.

She faced adversity, and yet found

triumph and she even managed to give back

with philanthropic pursuits.

Look!

She gave all her money to A. A.!

Josh, you're a fucking genius.

Yeah I know, right .

Wait, why?

Betsy.

The car that made me fall in love

with everything.

She must be worth a mint by now.

We gotta track Betsy down.

How do you plan on doing that, Mr.?

Don't worry.

I got a guy.

Foxley Classics .

Get your blast from the past,

with no money down.

Foxley?

This is your lucky day.

Fitz?

I don't think so.

I need you to track down my

first love Foxley.

Betsy.

She's a '52 Elwood Classic.

Well, well.

Look who's come crawling back

on his hands and knees, huh Fitz?

Isn't that your go-to position?

I'll take that as a compliment.

Still know how to charm a girl, I see.

Look, find the car,

I'll kick you a finder's fee.

Five bills.

A grand.

C'mon, Foxley.

Seven-fifty.

For old time's sake.

For old time's sake?

Why didn't you say so.

Twelve hundred.

Fuck.

Fine.

A grand it is but I want it by noon.

Deal.

Foxley...

[♪ ♪]

Still got it, old man.

Some of it, anyway.

Maggie Murphy.

Yeah, I put on a few years.

Unlike you.

Oh, tell that to my tits.

If they're talking, I'm listening.

We had some crazy times, huh?

Yeah.

Streaking through the casino.

You mean running naked 'cause my

boyfriend had a shotgun.

That quickee to Rio?

You mean when you left me stranded at

the airport 'cause you took Elaine

instead of me?

Oh yeah.

You shoulda been there.

Cuba, that was you.

Oh, Tequila.

Qualuudes.

A cheap motel room. And...

[whispers]

That I will never forget.

Why don't we take this conversation

somewhere else.

Done.

I know.

This is awkward for me too.

You know, because you were

my girlfriend.

And we dated...

Come through, Foxley?

Piece of cake.

How did you find it so fast?

Your mom sold it to me before she blew town.

She didn't even negotiate.

A little fuck you to you and your old man.

She knew how much that car meant

to you and Ken

Oh and I'm keeping it.

Okay, first of all,

he's not my old man, and we had a deal.

To find the car.

Which I did.

The rest of your deal can go climb

up your urethra like those charming

little penis fish in the Amazon.

Yuck.

Dot, this car is not just a

car to Richard.

It's love.

Abandoned by his father and mother,

he needs to fill the void

in his heart.

Look, if this is about us,

don't drag them into it.

You really think I'd get in bed with you

after you ruined my life?

I never meant to hurt you.

You're the one who walked away from

the dealership.

Which one?

The rotting pile of ash or the dumpy

trailer on the ass end of dealership row?

You know what?

He's right.

You broke up with me.

Fine.

I'll give you 5k for the car right now.

Larry?

Oh... uh...

How do you feel about layaway?

Like I want to roll it up and skull

fuck you with it.

Ladies.

Hey! Hey!

Hi, how are ya?

Ok. Alright.

Sorry you guys had to witness that by the way.

What can I say?

This stud is hard to get over.

Had some good times in old Bets.

You might say it's your very own time machine,

transporting you back to the land

of yesteryear.

It's a time machine?

Holy shit!

[ZAP!]

Ouch!

Richard, this is the universe telling you

to work through your issues with

your father and--

Steal the car.

I'm gonna make her mine again.

No, I'm pretty sure the universe does

not condone grand theft auto.

Josh can you de-electrify

this fence?

Can a child soldier lay a minefield?

We cannot steal a car

in broad daylight!

Ya, Larry's right.

Thank you.

We'll wait until dark.

You wi - awww.

Josh, let's go get a drink.

The Church of Intimate Light.

Didn't that used to be a rub'n tug?

It's still a still a place of connection,

only now it helps us unlock the deity within.

What are you, a fortune cookie?

Think of me as a cookie of eternal

happiness, a way to touch the

divine and caress the future.

Are we still talking about fucking.

I never should have brought you here.

I just thought the church might give

you a sense of release.

The kind of release I need,

you don't do in church.

Don't you ever want to reach for

something more?

That's what you said to me that night we

were caught doing it on the roof of

the Hojos.

[laughter]

There's more than one way to talk to god.

You wanna talk to God?

I got a mic right here.

Too much huh?

We're not getting any younger, Kenny.

And this is something I

really believe in.

Fuck me.

Not unless you're a member of the church.

I'm in, C'mon.

For the record, I am still not

condoning this crime!

Relax dick stilts.

It's not a crime if it already

belongs to you.

This is the family car--

it's my fucking legacy.

Just look at her curves.

You two keep an eye out for the cops.

This is gonna require the

old Fitzy touch.

Oh... yeah.

C'mon baby.

Come on.

That's my girl.

Let's go.

[bell rings]

[chanting]

My balls are cold.

Doesn't your divine leader believe in heat?

Modesty is a pebble on the path to

enlightenment.

You weren't so modest back in the day.

Fuck.

Feels like I got a pebble shoved

up my ass.

Ahem, shhhhh.

Silence begets honesty, friend.

Oh.

You want some fucking honesty?

Why didn't you say so?

Listen up fucknuts,

because I'll only say this once.

We're all full of shit.

But at least I admit it.

I don't pretend to be some Larry Krishna

bragging about how humble he is.

Ken, c'mon, sit down.

I'm not sittin' anywhere.

This fake guru bullshit is

a cover up and you know it.

As if these assholes weren't a bunch

of fired baristas.

I was LAID OFF!

I honestly think if you'd get your sack

drained and have a stiff drink you

wouldn't need to dress like

Gandhi's homo brother.

He's right, Stu.

It's Ravi Guruswami!

And I'm the one leading the circle

of free sharing, ok!

This is Burning Man all over again.

Obviously your unwillingness

to accept Ravi Guruswamin's supreme

enlightenment has dimmed your kwom.

You hear that barista-boy.

He kicked you in the kwom.

Yeah, well I kicked his ass back in

middle school and I'll do it again.

Okay, you just bought yourself an

hour scrubbing out the reflective pool.

I'm shaking, Stu.

Make that two hours.

Those were MY fire stilts and you know it!

[laughs]

Is this the kind of help you were

looking for, Magpie?

Let's get outta here.

What the fuck's taking so long?

Josh! Josh!

Sorry, man.

Titanium locks--

no way we can cut through it.

Fuck.

Richard, it's times like this we need to

think like Grandma Alice.

Did she let her drinking problem

topple her?

No, she went to A. A.

It's all about moving through adversity.

You're absolutely right, stink-pickle.

We need to move through.

Move through very, very fast.

Josh, get out of the fucking way!

Oh no no no.

[tires squeal]

WAIT FOR ME!!!!

[♪ ♪]

Hasn't changed one bit.

Same old shitty carpet.

Same lumpy bed.

You don't suppose?

No way.

It's been decades.

Still there.

You think this is one of the ones we

laced with pcp?

Only one way to find out.

Oh God, no!

It's been years.

Like riding a bicycle.

Oh that's pretty good.

Typical.

Another broad that let me down.

[car starter turning over]

Fuck!

Everything this family touches breaks.

What isn't broken is that hearty

Fitzpatrick spirit.

What is broken is your face if you

open your pie-hole one more time.

What the fuck is wrong with this car, Josh?

Well, we did just go through a

chain-linked fence,

so it could be multiple things.

I got to get it to a garage.

Whoah! Hey! Whoah!

Jeez, at least you still have

the memories, man.

That's what's good about time machines.

There's no such thing as

time machines, idiot!

Richard, it is a time machine.

Look, June 14th, 1989.

That's the day you ran into that

fire hydrant.

The day Ken taught me how to hot wire.

Yeah.

'89?

Holy shit.

Hey, come here, look.

Junior High.

Remember?

Our first joint.

We dropped the cherry.

We almost set the car on fire.

Your father was so mad.

He's not my father, dick-limbs.

Or didn't you get that memo?

No, Richard.

You didn't.

You may not be bonded to your

family by the chains of DNA but you are

bonded by happy memories mister.

"AA"

That's Grandma Alice.

It doesn't stand for Alcoholics Anonymous.

It stands for Asslove Alice.

Ohhh Alice.

I loved her work.

This is classic stuff, Larry.

Grandma Alice?

But her philanthropic pursuits!

She wasn't a

whatever-the- fuck-ipist,

she fucked for money.

Don't you get it?

I used to wack off to your nana.

There's nothing good about

the Fitzpatricks.

Ken, Alice,

even this car is a piece of shit.

I risked my ass to save you from Foxley.

And this is how it ends?

I thought we had something special.

Fuck.

We'll give you some time, Richard.

This is a lot to process.

Josh and I will try to find us a way

to get home.

I'll leave you and Betsy alone now.

[♪ ♪]

[laughing]

They don't make dope like they used to.

There's a lot of things they don't

make like they use to.

I'd do a couple of things

differently though.

We can.

You and me.

Like we should've done all those years

ago before that kid fucked up my life.

You mean it?

Starting with this.

Oh, Kenny!

I mean who would have thunk it?

Every gas station on the North Side closed

Because of National Mechanics Day?

I didn't get the memo...

What the...

[groans]

Ooooh Betsy.

Let's run away together Maggie.

Start over.

Fuck my family.

But first, you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Betsy! Yeah!

Oh yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OH YEAHHHH!

AAAAAHHHHH!

Richard--

Ahh...

I got nothing.

Ah, Richard...

You are filling an emotional void with

with an erotic fixation on your

first love, the automobile.

Yeah I mean, I got busy with a

spatula once, you know,

but then again, you know, who didn't?

Right?

Richard, you cannot solve

everything with intercourse.

[car roars to life]

You were saying?

Hahaha, shotgun!

[♪ ♪]

[♪ Smooth jazzy Horn Music ]

Why have I got lube in my eyes?

That's a tear.

Fitzpatricks don't have tear ducts: fact.

What the fuck do I have to cry about?

Your son.

I only have one son and his name is

Meghan Fitzpatrick.

So that that's what's eating you,

isn't it?

You didn't leave me for Elaine.

You left me for your family.

For your son.

That makes about as much sense as a

Chinaman winning the Indy 500.

I know that look Ken.

That's denial.

Also, drugs.

But mainly denial.

Right, I went back for the

bullshit kid and the bullshit wife.

And everything worked out hunky-dory.

You're being sarcastic.

Am I?

Wait, am I?

You feel better now?

Must have been the grass.

It's called talking about your feelings.

You always could read me.

You have a special gift.

And it's not just that thing you do

with your tongue.

Well I better get going.

Prayer session in two hours.

Back to Guru Fucknuts' Playhouse?

You don't need those miserable pricks.

Well I may not need the church,

but the church needs me.

You're right, I do have a gift.

And it's time those bastards could

see it too.

Give 'em hell, Mags.

That's Maggie Guruswami to you, fucknuts.

Give em hell.

Oh, great.

Another booze-soaked drunken-daddy call.

What is it this time?

A few shots of whiskey with a side

order of regret?

My mom left.

Ken's not my real father.

Pat Childs is.

Ugh, unbelievable.

As always, it is all about you.

Did you even hear what I said?

I cannot even begin to describe to you

the size of the fuck I do not give.

Who cares if Ken is not your biological father.

Case in point: you are the

biological father of my child,

your only son,

and we both know that means nothing.

[baby cries]

It's up to you, Fitz.

Get a life or take some place else.

Hey! You lying meatsack!

Who the fuck says the secret is "heart?!"

The heart is nothing but a fucked up,

miserable, abandoning whore!

What are you talking about?

It's 100% pure beef heart.

Organic, rich in iron,

silky texture.

Buy three, get one free!

[♪ Just a Closer Walk with Thee ♪]

♪ Just a closer walk with thee ♪

♪ Grant it Jesus is my plea ♪

Your chosen elixir?

Triple scotch, straight up.

And what of you, White Satan?

Three fingers of bourbon.

Neat.

♪ Let it be dear lord let it be ♪

[♪ ♪]

There will be no cancer causing

sticks in this establishment!

Get out.

We are neither in Cameroon,

nor the mid-to-late nineties!

GOOD DAY, SIR!

♪ When my feeble life is over ♪

♪ Time for me shall be no more ♪

♪ Guide me gently, safely over ♪

♪ To thy kingdom shores

♪ To thy shore.

Hey Childs, it's Fitz.

Listen, about that job offer--

We should talk.

Just a closer walk

♪ Grant it Jesus is my plea.

♪ Daily walking close to thee ♪

♪ Let it be dear lord, let it be ♪

♪ Just a closer walk with thee-eeeee ♪