Original subtitles

Previously on Call Me Fitz.

Oh Richard!

This nice lady clearly needs a car

but seems to think she doesn't.

I see you've met my daughter Paula.

You sent her to fuck me over.

Oh, you mistake my intentions.

This could be a very fortuitous

marketing juncture.

[laughs]

[moans]

We'll give you 50 % off a brand new

post car product.

Never drive used again.

I'll drown that fuck in his

patchouli juice.

Mr. Childs told me that he's

Ken's long lost brother.

I could be sitting pretty.

I could have been Mrs. Pat Childs.

Oh Lainey, I want to do it like old times.

[screams]

Evan Williams Burbon Sours.

My proposal panty stripper,

for when I want to seal the deal.

You fucking proposed?

Every time you guys get married,

I'm the one who gets fucked.

We got a wedding to plan.

Ya we do.

Cocksucker.

You want to know what fucks up a dude?

Broads.

Broads and the choices they make.

They do whatever the fuck they want,

and men pay the price.

Like that French chick, Marie Antoinette.

How the fuck was the king supposed to get laid when all

she wanted to do was to stuff her face with cake?

Or, Frida "Ooo, I want a career too" Kahlo.

A little less painting, a little more plucking, Frida.

No wonder Diego went batshit.

You think Clyde would have wound up as road meat

if Bonnie hadn't stopped to take a leak?

Broads sell themselves as all fishnets,

pouty lips and horn-dog perfume,

out to have a good time.

Nuh uh.

They're made of toxic venom, they will sting you,

entrap you and ruin your fucking life.

[♪ ♪]

♪ Without you I'd find my smile ♪

♪ Without you I'd'a won by a mile ♪

♪ Without you Oh life would be so grand ♪

♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪

♪ With out you

♪ Without youuu

♪ Without you.

[♪ wedding music ]

Carnations?!

Carnatations are what you find in

your proctologist's office.

This guy isn't taking me seriously.

This is a joke, right?

You two geriatric fuck monkeys aren't

actually going through with this

bullshit wedding.

No.

We just think flowers cheer

this shithole up.

Did you call the retirement homes?

Vegetables don't grow on trees, Ken.

Guest list is loaded with

Alzheimer's finest.

We'll make a killing on the gifts.

I knew this was bullshit.

Making a buck puts the special in

special day, ass-clown.

Wouldn't be a Fitzpatrick

wedding without it.

Just another scam.

Oh, don't be an asshole, asshole.

Your father is legit and so am I.

This is real and nothing is gonna

screw it up.

For your information,

your mother and I are in -

Say another word and I will kill you.

You know how I feel about that

lovey dovey shit.

Uh fuck!

Get out of my room! Mom!

It really is rude not to knock, Richard.

You morons are in on this too?

The dealership's about to hit rock bottom,

that O-Mo clown, Pat Childs,

up our ass and all Ken cares about is

this fucking wedding.

Look! I've been waiting to be a

flower girl for the last thirty-five--

twenty-eight years.

I even hired security to make

sure it happens, okay.

Does this dress say fuck the flower girl

to you, or...

I volunteered to do the speech.

Yeah, I'm researching fun

Fitzpatrick memories now.

Is there anybody around here who

hasn't lost their fucking mind?

Do I go with a Quinciano or

El Veintitres as my sacred

matrimonial sombrero?

You're marrying them?

You're not a fucking priest.

Church of La Sagrada Familia, Dude.

Yeah, that's right: me and Jesus

are homies, ese.

[♪ Mexican music ]

Cool hey?

I got it off eBay.

Makes everything feel a little bit more

Mexico-y.

Oh my.

What?

Oh, I'm Meghan.

Oooh! Oooh!

Oh, Fuck me.

I just don't understand why you

wouldn't tell me that you have a brother.

I was waiting for the right time,

ladybug.

He tried to frame you for pedophilia.

Kenneth has his quirks.

They seem like awful people-- they drink,

and do drugs, run brothels.

I mean Richard Fitzpatrick tried

to sell his own child!

And we were there to save him.

Isn't that what family is for?

The Earth takes the Sun's light and

gives nothing in return,

except for companionship.

I think with time, you and your new

cousin could become quite close.

I'm not sure that's the best idea.

Who the hell is buying up all the

used cars in this town?

This is Ken's Job!

Oh, it's nice to hear you admit

you're a team.

Never were.

Never will be.

Richard, the stronger this

family is, the stronger your

family business will be.

What the hell are you talking about?

Look, this wedding is a way to embrace

the tangled roots of your family tree.

Which, as it happens,

is the metaphor that forms a narrative

through-line of my speech.

A tale of little Ken and Pat,

brought up single- handedly by Alice,

working day and night to provide

a loving home for her sons.

I need for my dirty little boys to stay

quiet while Mommy's working, okay?

Ring off, big boy.

Alice doesn't do married.

Oh ya, baby.

Oooh!

I'm not a dirty boy.

I am not a dirty boy.

I am.

Two peas in a pod.

Like us, Richard!

If Grandma Alice could keep her

family together and earn a good living,

Well then Ken and Elaine can too.

Two peas in a pod.

Ya.

Larry, for a retard you are a fucking genius.

I am?

What's the one thing that could fuck up

a Fitzpatrick family wedding?

Cash bar!

Pat Childs.

Pat Childs?

Nothing says I love you like a good old

fashion family feud.

What?

Richard!

So happy to see you.

Hey, thanks for dropping the charges.

All lessons are worthy lessons,

even if they arise

from fraudulent pedophilia scams.

Right.

Please.

Whoa! Haha.

So what the fuck are you doing?

Meditating.

Calms the mind.

And gives you hemorrhoids.

You have your father's bawdy

sense of humor.

Speaking of, you hear the old man

and Elaine are getting hitched again...

Today.

It is happy news.

You know, she still got the

hots for your scrawny vegan ass.

Well, I do eat - fish - occasionally.

[chuckles]

See, I too have a bawdy sense of humor.

[chuckles]

So you do, slick.

So you do.

Must be why Elaine couldn't stop

talking about you the other night.

Elaine and I haven't seen each other in years.

She said how much better her life

would have been if Ken hadn't stolen

her away from you.

Oh, I wouldn't call it stealing.

It's true, Lainey and I were

once an item when we were young.

But, my brother's interest in her was

purely platonic.

Kenneth was excited by our relationship.

Really quite enthusiastic.

Did Elaine send you?

Listen, if you ever wanted another chance,

now's the time, squeaky.

Arghh-- there I go again,

putting my dick in my mouth.

[♪ ♪]

[weird whistling]

Oh fuck me.

What do you want, Vince?

My alien overlord's earthly flock has grown.

We require a new vessel.

You want to buy a car?

How are you going to pay for it?

With shopping carts?

I'll pay a fair price.

And, once you've received the star

master's insertion, you can come with us.

The plains of Themis glitter with the

spilled milk of unicorn mares.

Hey, you're not authorized to

dispense space messages yet.

Stay still.

Fuck me.

Childs doesn't waste any time.

My mom and Childs?

They were up to something together

all along.

They're trying to take us down!

Fuck.

What the fuck are you looking at?

The geriatric asshole whose

brother and wife-to-be are fucking him over.

I just saw Elaine with your brother.

The brother she still loves.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Lo siento, Señor Fitzpatrick,

no entiendo.

Mom's joining forces with Childs.

They'll wipe us out for good.

Nothing is going to destroy my special day,

you ungrateful little shit.

Oh what's that?

We're at capacity?

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Fuck you.

Base camp to Cholita.

Over.

Cholita?

What?

My prison friends offered to do

security for work credits.

Racist.

You can't tell me to leave!

Daddy put me in charge of security,

and no one is going to ruin my special day,

not even you, Dick.

Do your thing, Cho-cho.

Oh la ley

Hey.

I like my ladies large.

Do you?

So do I, asshole.

Let's go.

Ow, ow, OW!

Hey, Richard.

Cuz.

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought now that we're related,

it'd be a good idea for us to get to

know each other.

Or your old man sent you here to

fuck with me.

Like you don't know what's going on.

I know my father has family he never

told me about.

I know that you're my cousin.

And my last name isn't Childs.

Even though I don't usually touch

alcoholic beverages,

I could really use a drink.

You're seriously not in on this?

She marries Ken,

she gets fifty percent of my dealership--

she flips it to your father.

We can't run an honest business

with secret deals.

We have to stop them.

Only way to stop the merger is to

stop the wedding.

I can't get in--

But you can.

[♪ ♪]

Okay, come on.

Oh Christmas paper.

That's wonderful.

So great.

Oh wow!

You really went all out.

It's Fantastic.

Who the hell called the cheap

retirement home?

Why can't anyone remember to bring cash?

Fucking Altzy's.

Ok, de-de-de.

Are you single?

What?

Answer the question.

Yes.

Next!

But I'm your cousin.

You think you're the first one to play

this bullshit cousin card.

There are men in there.

Hot single men.

You're not gonna get in my way so just

move along, sister.

You and your prettiness

Ok, keep moving.

Oh a pitcher?

That's stellar.

Ah buh buh.

Who sent you an invitation?

The only invitation I have is the one my

alien overlord sent me--

an invitation of light,

sweet star maiden of the Martian canals.

Okay that's hot.

You're in.

Move along.

Great.

Keep moving.

Oh, dear.

Showtime.

Patricia, so glad you could make it.

Kenneth, wouldn't have missed it for the world.

I ah, I brought the lovely bride a gift.

A key to the first car off the

O-Mobile assembly line when we

start up production.

I saved you the best seat in the house, bro.

What the fuck is this?

Ladies.

Oh, hello Richard.

Paula.

Out of my way, cock-cheese.

I got a wedding to fuck up.

Richard, I commend your Herculean

efforts to attend your mother and

father's re-nuptials and I am here to help.

Yeah you can help me

by getting out of my fucking way.

No no, as master of ceremonies,

I have a plan to ceremonially

mastermind your day in the sun.

All you need to do is wait here.

I won't be but a minute.

I don't mind waiting here.

[giggles]

Yet another rich

family Fitzpatrick tradition.

Locks on the outside.

That elongated cock- midget locked us in!!

Larry, open this fucking door!

There's a robust latina guarding the window.

Oh fuck.

I guess we're just going to have

to wait it out.

Here.

On this bed.

[♪ ♪]

I thought the groom wasn't supposed to

see the bride on his special day.

The groom can fuck off and tell me

who in the hell invited little

Patty Handwasher to my wedding.

Can the groom give you this first?

Same thing I wore the first time

we got hitched.

I even had the bullet hole repaired.

What are you up to, old man?

Lainey, I want it to be exactly the same.

Let's do this.

[♪ ♪]

[snoring]

[♪ ♪]

The place of honor for Grandma Alice.

[snoring]

Josh.

Joshua, it's time for the vows!

¿Donde esta?

Buenos Dias.

Buenos Tardes.

Buenos Nachos.

Ok, ready to go.

[♪ ♪]

[giggles flirtatiously]

All rise.

[♪ ♪]

Oh ya!

[♪ ♪]

No European country prohibits marriage

between first cousins.

[♪ ♪]

Oh! It's allowed in Canada and Mexico too.

Oh.

[♪ ♪]

It's like we're one.

Yeah, it's like I'm fucking myself!

[♪ ♪]

[sneezes]

Is this the water closet?

Uh, oh.

No no, keep it open!

Keep it op- oop.

[in a bad Mexican accent] Hombres e Hombriettas,

we are gathered here today to

unite perfection.

Much like chips and salsa;

Ken is brittle and salty;

and Elaine is fiery and caliente,

and filled with big chunks of tomatos.

Shut your fajita hole, moron.

Ok.

We are not doing shit until you tell

me why your brother is here.

Shouldn't he be asking you that, Mom?!

Tell him about your deal with Childs!

Gold Schnapps?

Leave it alone, kid.

My business is none of your

fucking business.

Who do you think's been buying up

all the used stock in town huh?

Mr. Fucking Save-the- Fairy-Polar-Bears,

that's who.

He wants to destroy our dealership.

And they're in on it together!

Why do you think he's here.

This is not in my research.

Keep your pants on, cum-stain.

I invited him.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I invited him.

Mushroom cock still has the

hots for Lainey.

I just wanted to see his face

before I stole her away again.

Mother fucker.

You only proposed to me to get back

at your brother?

And you.

You wanted shut us down because

you still want me?

Elaine, I think it's time we told

everyone the truth.

What the fuck is going on?

I helped organize this event in the

name of family reconciliation and

the choice between chicken and fish.

Chicken.

In the name of narrative truth!

Yeah, so ah, what's going on here guys?

Alright, you want to know the truth?

I love you, Lainey.

Stop being a sniveling douchebag, Patty.

You're so zesty!

Ah, well I had been going steady with Mr. Clean

for far too many hellish years

when he decided to save my honor and

pop the question.

In front of his mother no less.

Elaine, will you marry me?

God I need a drink.

I hate this kind of romantic shit.

But what the cock- washer didn't know

was that I'd been eyeing his brother

the whole time.

She's right.

You are a sniveling douchebag.

Sure, Pat would have been the sensible choice.

But then he said the one thing that

pushed me over the edge--

But when we made--

Stop.

Don't say it.

Made love.

We made sweet sweet love.

[retching]

Get it off.

GET IT OFF!

Dirty boy! Dirty boy!

Vegas or bust.

You coming, baby?

Fuck, yeah.

Lainey!

Lainey!

So O-Mo's a Homo.

We all knew that.

I was pregnant, fucknuckle.

[crowd oohs]

Jesus Christ, Lainey.

Wait, uh.

Pregnant with Richard?

Ehh, yeah.

So Pat Childs is...

Richard, I am your real father.

Ay dios mio.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

You know how much it cost me

to raise that little shitsack?

Lots.

Last week Elaine asked me to sign

a non-disclosure agreement to keep

Ken from finding out the truth

Ah, so that means Paula is--

- My sister?

This means I'm an only mother-fucking child!

Ooh ooh!

[♪ ♪]